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EP. 65 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)
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Transcript
Comedic Intro and Episode Setup
00:00:00
Speaker
That a shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how I identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:27
Speaker
a
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrubbing the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes. Hello and welcome to episode 65 of the Two Guys One Screen Podcast, a.k.a. the Hemorrhoid Homies, a.k.a.
00:01:01
Speaker
the Poe Town Boys. My name is Nick, and as always, I'm joined by Gert. And we are here to review Pirates of the Caribbean caribbean episode 6.
00:01:17
Speaker
Four. There you go. I guess it's an episode. It's part of, it's movie number four on Stranger Tides where the only good thing about the movie is the soundtrack.
00:01:29
Speaker
shit is but like but but shit is but is a crazy sentence yeah i mean like this shit is rough shit is but is like what you just said shit like but i watched this okay so to put it in perspective right the last time we were supposed to record this i'm pretty sure we we talked about it maybe on a yeah you want it that has yet to come out uh But yeah, you want
Social Media and Listener Interaction
00:01:55
Speaker
it?
00:01:55
Speaker
I said this movie sucked and you didn't feel like recording that day. So we pushed it off. ah So I had to sit through. i sat there through this twice. um don't know why you did it to yourself. I wanted to freshen up.
00:02:07
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I didn't want to, know. Yeah. Go in like, ah like ah oh, you can say retard again because South Park said it last night. Let's go. Hey, great.
00:02:22
Speaker
I mean, we we we can't throw it around, but it's what it is. Hey, they said faggot. They called Donald Trump a retarded faggot. It was awesome. I don't think I have to bleep that because you're just saying what they said, right?
00:02:33
Speaker
Yeah, I'm quoting South Park. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. All right. Well, before we get into this fucking movie, we'll do a little... So follow us on Instagram, TwoGuysOneScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to TwoGuysOneScreenPod at gmail.com.
00:02:51
Speaker
Follow us on Letterboxd. Follow us on TikTok. Follow us on YouTube. ah Give us a voicemail, 508-8-5-DIS. 508-8-DIP-TIP, six-minute limit.
00:03:03
Speaker
limit Yeah. Oh, I have an update on. I didn't get it. I got it through personal DM on Instagram, so I don't know if it counts.
Reviewing 'Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides'
00:03:15
Speaker
However, yeah what'd you get? ah tiger I got no. I got one person. Man to man. Even better. No, I got one person that said they would subscribe if we made a Patreon.
00:03:30
Speaker
Whoa, that's fucking news. One person, yo, but that's hey someone you know? Yeah. But they would subscribe. But they would subscribe. Do I know this person?
00:03:43
Speaker
No, it's my old black friend from Target. Shout out to your old black, out to your old non-mean friend from Target. I mean, nah, you know I'll give him a shout out. Shout out Brian. Also, it's crazy we get non-mean support after the wild shit we say on this podcast.
00:03:56
Speaker
It must be because they know we're joking. Yeah, he loves it. He's okay with racism as long as it's funny. So he told me. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Oh, and go check out our, uh, other podcast.
00:04:12
Speaker
Yeah. You want it? That was right in my fucking ear. Yeah, dad. Yeah. It's available on the same page. I don't have my little, uh, pop pop joint on. we we record We both recorded a few episodes of those because we went shopping.
00:04:28
Speaker
Just stay tuned and find out. Broke the bank? We'll just say that. and I fucking broke your back on my couch. Fucking wish. ah I just lost where I was.
00:04:40
Speaker
We're back. Basically, this fucking piece of shit is directed by Rob Marshall.
00:04:48
Speaker
And it came out in 2011 post Chris Benoit post 9-11. Yeah. And we're only doing this piece of shit because we promised you guys the franchise. The whole fucking piece of shit series. Yeah. You might as well not keep it as a trilogy. you Might as well get all five of them done. Yeah.
00:05:04
Speaker
Yeah. We're doing them all. Honestly, only the first one is a good movie. I would agree with that. ah Here are your new additions to the cast. We have Penelope Cruz who plays Angelica. I mean, she's a piece. This isn't even a question, right? She is a mommy.
00:05:21
Speaker
Can say A mommy? Yeah. Yeah, she's a mommy. ah We have Ian McShane joining the cast. ah He plays Edward Blackbeard Teach. um This is like a jump scare for me when he walked out. I was like, holy shit, it's the guy from John Wick.
00:05:35
Speaker
that's Yeah, i was literally thinking that the entire time. Yeah, and it's hard to like not see that guy when you're watching the movie. He's playing Blackbeard, which is cool, right? Yes. Iconic pirate.
00:05:46
Speaker
I don't know if he existed or not. but I don't know if I love the casting either. Nah, he looked too, like when I think Blackbeard, I think like really decrepit dude. And like he's old, but. yeah Right.
00:05:59
Speaker
i would I would agree. I think, I feel like Jeffrey Rush could be Blackbeard. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe swap him. But I like Jeffrey Rush's Barbossa.
00:06:11
Speaker
Up next, we have Wish version of Nicholas Holt. We got Sam Claflin. Yeah, he kind of is right? He's fucking... He's Nick... Nicholas Hall Light over here. Yeah, Timu.
00:06:25
Speaker
Timu Nicholas Hall. have an ass. He plays Phillip, a.k.a. the missionary. A.k.a. aka mean he's a I mean, he's a cute kid. He can get fucking piped down. know what mean? Yeah, but in the movie, like, don't know, bro.
00:06:38
Speaker
He's kind of irrelevant. and You got that pony tail to fucking yank on and just fucking give it to him. You know what mean? Yeah, you can really dog his dog and ride him. yeah but like Yeah, you know, you could fucking make him see God.
00:06:49
Speaker
Give it to him so good. i mean As it pertains this movie, though, he's kind of pointless. and I would agree with that. He's your new... ah Let's get a love angle going.
00:07:00
Speaker
Yeah. type Yeah. It's bad. um Next, we got Astrid Burgess Frisbee. Her last name is Frisbee. I don't know. You can throw me around. you Yeah. Like a fucking Frisbee. She plays Serena. It says in here that she was in Cuckoo, which is interesting. i Yeah. I saw that when I was looking through earlier, but I i couldn't remember her.
00:07:21
Speaker
Well, she's down there in the cast list. I'm not worried. Hmm. ah who else we got? We got Richard Griffiths who plays King George. This is a skip. He's a whole fat fuck. Yeah, but like that's Vernon Dursley, bro. It really is fucking Keith. Why the fuck was Keith Richard playing Captain Teague for? Yeah, I don't know.
00:07:43
Speaker
That a dumb question. But anyways, Captain Teague is back in the movie cast again. We have Stephen Graham who plays Scrum. Stephen Graham, let me tell you something right now, okay? Stephen Graham is in one of my favorite movies of all time.
00:07:55
Speaker
Which is? He's in Boiling Point. Let me tell you something. of you If you work in a kitchen, anybody out there, you know, works in a kitchen and you want to see an accurate depiction of what kitchen life is like, watch this. Also, if you marvel at the way movies are made, like the technical aspect behind it, they made this entire movie. It's 95 minutes, not one cut.
00:08:16
Speaker
Whoa, that's crazy. You just follow the camera. You just follow this guy around the entire day. I kind of like that. It's a great movie. gave it five-star. I love that movie dearly. Being friends with you for so long, yeah I feel like that would be a good watch for me to you know figure out how your day-to-day life goes.
00:08:34
Speaker
Also, just for the record, as long as you've been friends, I've still not seen your piece. Even when you were here, I didn't see it. It's pretty upsetting, right? Yeah, upsetting. I did i did try and like get you to...
00:08:45
Speaker
ah Lady and Tramp and Oreo, but yeah you weren't about Well, we were in the elevator. Yeah, well. Yeah, was on the spot. The more you know. Is there anybody else you want to shout out on this list?
00:08:57
Speaker
don't think so. No, the rest of them are kind of fucking stupid. but I'll give a shout out to Diobia Opare, who plays Gunner. He was the dude. He was like the guy. He was a black guy whipping whites. How about that?
00:09:10
Speaker
Oh, yeah, okay. That was that guy. And we got... Nobody else that I think is worth mentioning in this list because, i mean, this movie just kind of sucks.
00:09:23
Speaker
Who played that Spaniard dude? I don't know. He looked like fucking... I don't know who looked like. He looked like somebody, though. Maybe it's Oscar Jeneda, whose credit is the Spaniard.
00:09:35
Speaker
Maybe it's that guy you're thinking of. Oh, maybe. Yeah. All right, moving on. We're doing it. If you haven't been here, which is kind of weird to jump in just for this movie, but if you haven't been here but to a scene by scene, ah you know, we're going to talk about what what happens in each scene.
00:09:51
Speaker
i would say break it down. but There's not much to break down. It's more of a breakdown of why would you do that? ah not but Not, oh, this is why they did this and this is why it's like this. and I also titled my scene by scene Pirates 4 because I just don't care about the names of these movies anymore. They're just too confusing.
00:10:06
Speaker
They're basically rinse and repeat movies where it's like, okay, so this group of people are are looking for this thing. This group of people are looking for the same thing. And then eventually they come together.
00:10:17
Speaker
Yes. Like an hour and a half in. Yeah. Right. I would agree with that. It's not fun. Well, this movie opens. um it's We're looking at two fishermen on a boat at night.
00:10:32
Speaker
And they're they're catching some fish and in the net. They find they catch this guy. ah And he just like suddenly comes to life like a jump scare. And it cuts to this carriage. I mean, it got me.
00:10:45
Speaker
Yeah, I was like, eh. They're going through the woods in Spain, and they present this fish the fishermen present this man they found to the majesty, the guy who like runs Spain, like your majesty.
00:10:59
Speaker
How doesn't have a name? That's my ah pet peeve mine, Big. Even movies don't give characters names. Give them fucking names. Like even if it's like, sir. Well, his is majesty, and I'm still not really happy with it.
00:11:13
Speaker
But they believe the guy they caught has found Ponce de Leon's ship or wrote on it. Imagine riding Ponce de Leon's ship. Yo. um But they're like, that's not possible because Ponce de Leon died 200 years ago.
00:11:27
Speaker
um And this guy they caught in the net is carrying a journal. And the king looks through the journal and realizes that he might have found the fountain of youth. And then it cuts to title screen.
00:11:40
Speaker
And then basically you forget about these Spaniards until like the last 25 minutes. Literally. They're just, don't even worry about that whole part. it doesn't have any relevance for rest of the movie for the most part, even when they come back has no relevance, honestly.
00:11:53
Speaker
Not really because the fountain of youth is still used. I just, we'll get there. Yeah.
Jack Sparrow's Escapades
00:12:00
Speaker
Um, We cut to London and they're advertising a pirate trial and execution.
00:12:06
Speaker
um And people are like hyped to see a pirate get executed. And they call in Jack Sparrow to like take the stand and it's Gibbs.
00:12:17
Speaker
um In disguise. And then they then they ah they bring in the the justice, Justice Smith, who is Jack Sparrow ah just dressed up as ah judge.
00:12:29
Speaker
And Sparrow tells Gibbs that he's found guilty of being innocent of being Jack Sparrow. So instead of being sentenced to death, he's being sentenced to jail. And the audience writes because they want to see Gibbs hang.
00:12:45
Speaker
For some reason, it was giving me big Order of the Phoenix vibes at the beginning when Harry's in court. Honestly, I think it's disrespectful even compared to two movies.
00:12:55
Speaker
I'm sorry. I'm just she's fucking around. but like that that's The court scene in Harry but and Order of the Phoenix goes in our episode, but like that seems awesome. This scene kind of sucked.
00:13:07
Speaker
Yeah, you don't. Yeah, because that scene had Dumbledore bursting in, defending Harry, and then just running away because he's mad. It was serious. And then this one just has nothing.
00:13:19
Speaker
Nothing going for it. We see Jack leave the courtman change. um We see he has the judge tied up. He hops in this ah car caravan thing with Gibbs, and he says he'd pay the driver to take them right out London.
00:13:33
Speaker
And Gibbs tells Spare there's an imposter Jack Spare running around saying he's looking for a crew in the Fountain of Youth. ah And the OG Jack Spare, because we left him the last movie, he was going to find it.
00:13:44
Speaker
But long story short, he gave up. um they The little car ride ends and the door opens up to Redcoats, a.k.a. the British. A.k.a.
00:13:56
Speaker
They lost. They did lose. Fucking boys gave it to them.
00:14:02
Speaker
Yeah, you fucking... Cut that. You fucking tea drinkers. Yeah. Jack gets handcuffed to a chair in a dining room, and he meets with George Augustus, who is the King of England, amongst other titles.
00:14:17
Speaker
The boy Vernon Dursley. Hey, see? Harry Potter comes around. Same guy? Same guy. I mentioned that, it ah and you never... spatted an eye no genuinely didn't hear you hey that's okay man uh same guys fuck you zencaster yeah fuck you get better um the king also knows that jack is there looking for a crew which is not true because there's an imposter and uh he asked jack for the map that jack had and jack doesn't have anymore that he lost it um
00:14:54
Speaker
The king then tells Jack that the Spaniards have found the fountain of youth, and that's just disrespectful. We can't have that. Fuck the Spanish. So he's sending in Jack ah with a ship and a captain to find the fountain. And it turns out that captain is Barbossa. Remember him? He's been in every fucking movie.
00:15:12
Speaker
Fucking traitor, dude. ah Who now has a ah peg leg and ah unfortunately lost the pearl, which pisses Jack off. Didn't just lose it like someone took it, like it drowned. It's underwater.
00:15:26
Speaker
Like I'm low key ready to admit this, that like if Barbosa was laying. Yeah. Hold on. I'm getting there. Like if, if Barbosa was like laying on his back, right. And he had his peg leg, like sticking straight up in the air. Like I'm riding in on it.
00:15:39
Speaker
Yeah. I'm riding. Yeah. you know Yeah. You'd go for a ride. Then, like, I want... not even i't I don't only even want Barbosa. I just want Jeffrey Rush to, like, just spit on me while I'm riding his leg You know mean? Spit on while you're riding a peg leg is crazy. mean, hey.
00:15:56
Speaker
ah for You into some BDSM-type beat. Don't knock it till you try. Yeah, you're right, actually. Um... Jack ends up escaping.
00:16:08
Speaker
He disarms these two guards and he swings from a chandelier. feel like he swings from something in every fucking movie. He's chased through the building and he jumps out his window and he's hanging from a banner above the street when he gets spotted and a guard cuts the banner and he lands this lady's fucking carriage.
00:16:27
Speaker
And he starts sucking on her fucking neck, which is crazy because she's old. This is like granny porn. yeah but Yeah, but then like he he runs away, but she was mad. like She wanted it. She really wanted it.
00:16:40
Speaker
And he takes her earring, which I don't know why that had any meaning, but he took her earring. And then he's staying the roof of this ah carriage and he hops onto several different carriages to like escape.
00:16:54
Speaker
um He hops onto one that's like, this guy's like driving like hot coals. don't know why you have so many hot coals. This isn't like the fucking 1940s in Germany. You know what i mean? like Why do you have so many hot coals?
00:17:06
Speaker
Yeah, what are they doing with them? Yeah. Like fireplace deliveries? ah and For some reason, they hit the top of a bridge, like driving underneath it, and it ignites with like a wall of a wall fire.
00:17:20
Speaker
And as their crews and Jack grab onto a road sign, which is just a lady with fucking knockers. Fat tits. Huge.
00:17:31
Speaker
um And then he lands on his feet and he's about to get shot by a soldier when fucking dad pulls up. Remember dad? And saves Jack.
00:17:43
Speaker
ah He has no other meaning in this besides to tell him the same bit of information we get retold several times going forwards. Right. And I said that in the last movie, like Jack's dad just pops up for like five minutes and irrelevant again.
00:17:58
Speaker
That's it. What's the point of him being here?
00:18:02
Speaker
ah we cut to a bar where his dad already knows that Jack's gathering a crew, but Jack is like, bro, I'm not gathering a crew. He's an imposter, dude. It's not me. um And his dad's like, you need two silver chalices ah from the Ponte de Leon ah for the ritual for the fountain of youth.
00:18:25
Speaker
ah But Jack doesn't have a ship and ah his dad knows some people at the bar who do have one. ah So,
00:18:33
Speaker
His dad like Batman's out and fucking disappears. And then Jack approaches this guy, believes this is Scrum, ah for a ship. And he's like, I'm Jack Sparrow. And he's like, you're not Jack Sparrow. You're a fucking imposter.
00:18:47
Speaker
You're not the real one. um A sailor walks into the bar claiming to be going sell with Jack Sparrow. And Jack follows him to this other room and then sees the imposter Sparrow. And they have a sword fight.
00:19:03
Speaker
um The fake Jack Sparrow in this sword fight does a move that only the real Jack Sparrow says one person knows. So he goes in for a fucking smooch.
00:19:15
Speaker
And it turns out that fake Jack Sparrow is Angelica. And she's a woman playing Jack Sparrow. And like Jack Sparrow's former lover.
00:19:26
Speaker
Because every woman is Jack Sparrow's former lover. That's true. He's fucked a lot of bitches. It's kind of what he does. ah and she's mad at him for betraying her.
00:19:39
Speaker
ah And while they're arguing, the Redcoats break ah the door down. They break down the walls. got to get that Chris Jericho sound effect. Yeah, we use that a lot, don't we?
00:19:49
Speaker
We really do, and I feel like we
Fight Scenes and Crew Dynamics
00:19:51
Speaker
need it. Yeah, got to get that, and gotta get it's got to be Kane. Got to get that. Yeah. ah I thought the fight scene here was pretty good with her, Angelica, and Jack teaming up fighting off the Redcoats. thought it was pretty good.
00:20:06
Speaker
ah They escape through a trap door. jazz ah the Jack asks Angelica about the chalices um and what's required for the ritual, and they need a mermaid tear.
00:20:19
Speaker
Wow. We cut to Gibbs about to be executed, Barbossa comes out and hands him a rope and goes, go ahead, tie your noose. Time to go. And he wants to know where Jack is, ah but Gibbs won't tell him.
00:20:33
Speaker
and he's like, do you have anything good to tell me? Because I'm just going to hang you if not. ah So Gibbs pulls out the map that he probably took off Jack. And he burns it right in front of him. And he says that he has it all memorized to save his own ass.
00:20:47
Speaker
So Barbossa is now taking Gibbs with him on their little expedition to find the Fountain of Youth.
00:20:55
Speaker
Next scene we have ah Scrum who's talking to... Jack, but doesn't think that Jack is the real Jack Sparrow. And he is not scrum diddly umptious. No, but he can eat my fucking scrum.
00:21:08
Speaker
but ah what What's a scrum? Eating scrum is like eating ass. I'm pretty sure. So do you want like full on like. I want him looking to dried up poop flakes off the rim of my asshole.
00:21:20
Speaker
So he's got to shave it first. I'm pretty sure. I'm also pretty sure the guy that plays scrum Stephen Graham was also in Saw.
00:21:28
Speaker
I could be wrong. Saw 1? Nah. He's not in Saw. I'm a fucking idiot. Saw 7? Donnie Wahlberg and Steven Graham, same person.
00:21:39
Speaker
Okay. They look the fucking same to me. just how I feel. um Yeah, so on the Queen Anne's revenge ship, which means ah it's Blackbeard's ship, we cut and we see on the deck a black man, a big black man. Yeah.
00:21:58
Speaker
A large black male. like Like you could call this guy Bubba and it wouldn't be wrong, you know? Yeah, he looks like the guy... You don't want to drop the soap around.
00:22:11
Speaker
No. But he's whipping the whites, so there you go, guys. I mean, it took him long enough, right? like Yeah. they're on um We see a guy at top of the ship. Whoa. He's getting fucked.
00:22:27
Speaker
He's on top of this ship. He's getting fucking, he's tied up. And the story behind him is that they raided a village. And this dude was a big a big religious nut.
00:22:38
Speaker
And the first mate of the ship asked Blackbeard not to murder him. And we find out that Blackbeard's first mate is in fact Angelica. I'll be honest. I thought for a split second it was Liz and it's not.
00:22:53
Speaker
It's Angelica. should have been. That would have been cool. She's not in this movie. We can't talk about her aggravated being. No, mate because this one doesn't do anything sexual and it kind of made me mad. Her kids are jiggling the majority of the movie.
00:23:07
Speaker
And that's true. And she is Hispanic. So that's also true.
00:23:13
Speaker
Blackbeard's government name is Edward Teach. And Angelica, we find out, is his daughter. But she tells Jack that that's not actually true and that she convinced him of it.
00:23:25
Speaker
And there's a prophecy that Blackbeard will die from a one-legged man and he needs the fountain of youth to avoid his fate. The
00:23:37
Speaker
two of us today are fucking bad. One-legged man? Who has a one-leg? I got a third leg. I'm just kidding. My dick is small. Yeah, they never called you tripod. They called you like stank rod.
00:23:51
Speaker
Called me fucking small thumbs. That's true. They did. Yeah. and that's fin as not Yeah. Like looking back at it. I did it too. And I kind of feel bad. don't know why you feel bad for him.
00:24:01
Speaker
Fine. No, I know. But I've heard I've heard substantial where I got called the N word. I'm not even a fucking N word. Like hard R. At work when I fired this dude.
00:24:14
Speaker
Oh, right. You told me about that. Yeah. Yeah. But also, we've been claimed by the blacks on TikTok. So I'm pretty sure I'm black now. That's true. And we're also... My peen is not bigger.
00:24:24
Speaker
No. We're also claimed by the band Avatar. So that's what's up. We are claimed by the band Avatar. We should save that for the Fantastic Four recording, though. Okay.
00:24:36
Speaker
Yeah, so...
00:24:38
Speaker
One leg. We cut to the Navy ship and Barbossa is asking Gibbs for a heading and they run to the Spaniards and Barbossa gets the ship prepared for battle. But the Spaniards don't really give a fuck.
00:24:50
Speaker
They just go right by him because they're focused on the fountain. That's all I want in life. Barbossa to ask me for some heading. You what mean? yeah Yeah. At one point, like, your head on my fucking thing or a heading. I don't care.
00:25:03
Speaker
That's what he said to Gibbs. Put your head on my thing. That's all I want. ah We cut to Jack, who's talking to the crew about throwing a mutiny. And the crew tells Jack they've never seen Blackbeard before. He doesn't leave the office much.
00:25:16
Speaker
And Jack's like, well, they're not on Blackbeard's ship that they've been lied to. um And they're all headed to the fountain, they will die. Which inspires them to take over the ship. Which makes no sense, because they still go to the fucking fountain anyways.
00:25:28
Speaker
So just, yeah, just go along with it. If everybody just went along with everything... Yeah. We'd all end up in the same spot. So they try to take over the ship. Jack climbs into bed Angelica and tells to take over the ship, which she gets pissed off about.
00:25:43
Speaker
ah We see the fucking... You see the fucking quartermaster, that fucking albino fucking bald guy. He gets stabbed right through the fucking chest and just pulls a sword out of his chest he's fine. Yeah, he didn't care.
00:25:54
Speaker
I don't know what his, don't know what his, uh, not ethnicity, but fucking race species is. He's probably black, but he's probably like one of those albino kids. No, I mean like in the movie, like, is he not human?
00:26:06
Speaker
don't know. kind looks like an orc. How do you fucking take a ah sword right through your fucking chest and not be dead? Maybe he's undead. Hmm.
00:26:16
Speaker
Uh, where's got that retard strength on him, you know? Yeah, that fucking ho-min-no-min-no-min going on. Uh, I don't know why it fades off like that. Anyways. ah that big black dude who whipped white people before, he starts attacking Jack.
00:26:30
Speaker
Um.
00:26:35
Speaker
Wow. Is that what you wrote? No, I just said it oh Yeah. Wow. It was funny. Yeah. Keep that. No, i gotta cut that. I gotta a bare minimum on bleep it. I can't put that. I'll be on Patreon.
00:26:50
Speaker
That'd be on Patreon for Brian. Yeah, just Brian. Yeah. yeah Yeah. Hey, I mean, if we get if we start one, we can start plugging it. Yeah. um Jack decides to climb to the top of the of this ship for some reason and free this religious missionary guy. i don't know why ah that was his next thought. This is Philip.
00:27:13
Speaker
Um, and well, he's called Mr. My notes. So, but yeah, Philip shout out black Philip, the goat. Yeah. From, from the witch. Yeah, that's true. You can get a plushie of him.
00:27:24
Speaker
That's sick. It's probably $45 though. Right? Definitely. Yeah. If it's off a 24 website for sure. Oh, then it's gonna be like 80. Yeah. ah Jack announces they've taken the ship over when Blackbeard enters ah and Blackbeard again is in the chain so not very intimidating because that kid is a squeak he's like five two okay he's a tiny little dude yeah his voice isn't really intimidating either No.
00:27:50
Speaker
Also, he, for some reason, has, like, the sword that he carries, you find it by the end of the movie, it has, like, you can control the ship with the sword. Control, like, the ropes and everything else.
00:28:01
Speaker
The sails and stuff. And he hangs the crew, but doesn't really hang them. He just kind of like, ties them up. It's not like they're like, hanging from their neck. Blackbeard's about to shoot Jack and yeah and when Angelica says they need him.
00:28:12
Speaker
um The missionary, Philip, he calls Blackbeard account a coward. ah We then find out the, they send one of these mutineers in a rowboat.
00:28:24
Speaker
And like, yeah, go swim out there. You have a chance to live. And they light his boat on fire. This fucking ship has a flamethrower on it. I mean, that's kind of gangster. I'm not going to lie. And what was funny was like, oh, he might not be dead yet. And then they just fucking it again.
00:28:37
Speaker
Yeah. The second time. Yes. We're in Blackbeard's office with Jack. And, oh I got fucking. but You got blood everywhere? I got blood on the mouse pad.
00:28:49
Speaker
Damn, dude. What? What? I'm a bit squirting, you know what mean? Where about on your fingy?
00:28:59
Speaker
Just my knuckle. It's like a little fucking mark. It's just kind of annoying. It'll be fine. It's the dark mark? It's not as big as a dark mark now.
00:29:12
Speaker
baby We find out that Blackbeard's quartermaster saw the future about ah him getting murdered by a peg leg. Uh, so Jack tells Blackbeard that Angelica is not his daughter.
00:29:24
Speaker
And, uh, it turns out that Blackbeard can just make voodoo dolls. It made a voodoo doll of Jack, but they're like, Oh, Jack's figured out a way to defeat Blackbeard. And like, you know, gain control of this voodoo doll and dispose of properly. But no, this voodoo doll has really no purpose at all in this movie. Just the five-minute scene and then it's over.
00:29:43
Speaker
Yep, and then it's done. ah So that he... Also, this voodoo doll scene was cool. Like, he holds the fucking doll next to the candle whatever else. Like, it was interesting.
00:29:54
Speaker
Getting hot and heavy. Then they just do nothing with it. So I just don't get... What the point of it was? Yeah, what are we doing? So basically, like, you're going to help us get to the fountain. and If not, I'm just going to fucking mutilate you using this voodoo doll. But that doesn't really actually happen.
00:30:09
Speaker
We cut to the naval ship where the crew is fearful of Whitecap Bay because of mermaids. And one guy decides to desert the crew and jump off the fucking side of the ship, which is like, so you're going fucking die anyways, brother.
00:30:23
Speaker
they call That's what I call my penis. White cap bag? Yeah. Mine's like light pink cap. Light pink cap, yeah? Yeah. You know, it's not like a straight white. It's like a pinkish hue to it.
00:30:35
Speaker
You got that nice one on you, huh? I don't. I really don't. Like a starburst. Pink's my favorite starburst, so I'm coming for it. but I ain't big on it. I ain't big. it Let me chew on my fucking gnarly dick like that. Why not?
00:30:48
Speaker
um i don't think I want someone to chew on my cock. nibble? I'm not into nibbling. What? Like two pirate episodes ago, we were talking about nibbling on tip. No, I know.
00:30:58
Speaker
You're not nibbling on my tip. mike This is a nibble-free tip zone. Can I like smack it and call you a bad boy? Yeah, honestly, if you smack it a little bit, I'll get hard. Yeah, that's fine. That's okay. um but Don't be smacking my fucking sack. Just my tip. Well, no. That's where all the pain comes from. Yeah, yeah don't be smacking my tip. yeah ah But Barbosa is able to give the crew a pep talk. We cut to Jack and Angelica, who...
00:31:22
Speaker
Jack Trump put the moves on her and he wants know what the ritual is for the fountain of youth. Um, and they need ah mermaid tear and the two silver chalices from Ponzi alone, but we already fucking told you guys that we're being told that again. Uh, we do find out here that you need one chalice has the mermaid, uh, tear and the other one does not because one person has gets the life, the years of the other person.
00:31:45
Speaker
Yeah. Um, Angelica shows Jack a room full of boats and bottles, including the Black Pearl. CGI here, horrendous. We came out in 2011, fucking horrendous CGI.
00:31:59
Speaker
Yeah, pretty bad. ah There is some decent ones at the end, but right here, pretty bad. Horrible. Ass.
00:32:10
Speaker
Angelica tells Jack that she really is the daughter of Blackbeard, and she really and she really wants to have a dad. She needs a daddy in her life. You what mean? Well, I have a few candidates.
00:32:22
Speaker
Right. um Who have a very successful podcast. Yeah. Joe Rogan. Yeah.
00:32:33
Speaker
Undertaker. Yeah. ah She suggests using Barbossa, like take the years from Barbossa to give to her father. Yeah. And Jack says that her father is not worth saving.
00:32:45
Speaker
ah Their ship reaches Whitecap Bay. And they decide to go to the top this lighthouse because mermaids are attracted to light. um So they turn on the light and they use the crew out in the water as bait for mermaids.
00:33:04
Speaker
So there's just, I mean, this is how I took it. Maybe I'm just like dirty minded, but ah this crewmate calls it churn and butter. and i want it get When it gets to churn and butter, they i essentially fucking do it to men and then drown them and eat them at the bottom of the ocean. So like they like fucking rape them like dolphins.
00:33:21
Speaker
I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Is what he was alluding to. They're little skanks. ah They're interrupted when ah one of the guys from Black Pitch Crew asks them all to sing because mermaids like it.
00:33:33
Speaker
um this one mermaid starts surfing the boat then pulls up um and she starts singing a scrum. He really want to kiss. He wants to kiss like, yo, you're fucking crazy, bro. He's like, no, let me get this kiss real quick.
00:33:45
Speaker
Come on. would you Would you? Would I kiss a mermaid? Yeah. Would like straight up but like fish them down? know what mean? If my fate was going to be the same fate of them, I'd probably not.
00:34:00
Speaker
But would you know that 100%? ah hundred percent Because I feel like it's like rumor, right? They don't know for sure until it happens.
00:34:11
Speaker
That's difficult because like they know that later in the movie when they have like the mermaids like the mermaid like harvesting thing essentially. They all know like, oh, you got to get mermaid to cry to get, you know what mean?
00:34:22
Speaker
Yeah. To get to the fountain of youth. So I don't know if it's common knowledge. I ain't doing it. If it's like risk it for the biscuit type shit, I'd probably try it. and Fishy though. Scaly.
00:34:34
Speaker
rough? It sounded like you were making me feel bad for not wanting to do it, but now you're like, oh, you shouldn't do it. what I'm trying to figure out what side are you on you kissing the fish or not? You're out here talking about dolphin pussy looking delicious, and then you're out here talking about dolphin pussy looking delicious, then you want fucking kiss a mermaid? What's with you?
00:34:51
Speaker
but like I don't know, because mermaids are usually... evil, like in real stories, not in like Little Mermaid type things. I just want you guys to know literally the next episode coming out next week, Gerald's talking about eating dolphin pussy out, but will not kiss mermaid. This is fucking crazy.
00:35:09
Speaker
Listen, all right? Because dolphins all people. Yes, but i would like
00:35:21
Speaker
I'm mermaid? No, because they're going to kill me. The dolphins are going fucking kill you too. Not necessarily. Oh, so you got to get raped and live than just get fucking murdered.
00:35:33
Speaker
Yes. Okay. I'm a survivor. Fuck you. ah Fuck you. look than ne got right You, the listener out there, you tell me how fun. I'm not crazy. Listen to this episode and this conversation, then go listen to fucking Dark Knight. I'm not telling you that you're crazy.
00:35:52
Speaker
i'm just saying I'm just saying like... Are you saying I'm being hypocritical? Yes. The very next episode, you were like, yo, let me fucking get up in there I fucking duffel pussy and eat it. And then like me saying, oh, I would probably kiss a mermaid on the mouth of a human face is crazy. You're like, oh, it's fishy and scaly.
00:36:09
Speaker
That's your fucking defense? Yeah, but like neck up is the only part that's human. That's what I'm kissing, son. What do you think I'm kissing? I'm sucking on our fucking pipe? What you think? Why's the mermaid got a pipe on her?
00:36:23
Speaker
I don't know. What are we doing? I meant to say dorsal fin, but I said pipe. dorsal fin. but they dont I'm not sucking her scales. I'm so i'm sucking her face. think she got a like a... those What do insects have?
00:36:36
Speaker
The proboscis? What are you talking about? is that a type of car? No. No, proboscis or probiscus, whatever. That's a little. Hibiscus is a flower.
00:36:47
Speaker
Hibiscus. Yeah. Hibiscus tea. That's fire. No, it's like that. You said that, son. What? but you How? Hibiscus tea. You like hibiscus tea, little gay. Is it?
00:36:58
Speaker
That's a little gay. Find yourself some pure leaf hibiscus tea and then come at me. Yeah, pure leaf. I'm going peach every day the week. Peach pure leaf is so overrated, bro. us know your favorite pure leaf flavor. This not 2012. You got to move on from peach.
00:37:13
Speaker
I'm holding on to the past. No. now No, no, no. It's raspberry and blackberry all the way. Fuck you. You were drinking that in high school, too. So what are you talking about? Raspberry?
00:37:24
Speaker
they They for sure had blackberry. I'll give you is probably new. Raspberry was for sure. Always in the cafeteria. Yeah, but I was on the peach vibe. Like I was rocking with the peach. Right. And then I became a man and now I drink raspberry.
00:37:36
Speaker
All right. No, i don't you know I don't follow that. no No, I'm going to say no, but you guys let us know. what is the What's the vibe for Pure Leaf? What should you be drinking? no At least if you if you drink unsweetened Pure Leaf, though, like get out.
00:37:51
Speaker
but also if you But also if you drink Hibiscus, Pure Leaf are kind of a fad. Until you try it, and then you're like, I love flowers. Yeah, it' like it's like but like yeah it's like it's like making fun people take it in the ass, and you take it in the ass, and you like it. You're like, oh.
00:38:08
Speaker
That's what I'm worried about. oh whole new world. Get it? Mermaids were full circle. I did it. That was impressive. You're not impressed, but that's fine because you're being a little bit fucking gay today.
00:38:18
Speaker
What do you mean? Just because I wanted to drink some hibiscus flower tea? Yeah, you're talking about fucking... I don't know. I don't even fucking know what you're talking about. Anyways, you, the viewer at home or in your car, or maybe you're about to hang from a noose. Let us know what you think.
00:38:34
Speaker
What? Where does that go from? The guy had to ask fucking homeboy tie his noose. I don't know. right. So anyways, Joe wouldn't kiss mermaids, but you eat dolphin, dolphin cooter all day.
00:38:47
Speaker
That's what's up. I guarantee it looks better. Tastes better. Feels better. Wait,
Mermaid Encounters and Debate
00:38:54
Speaker
objectively, if you get a still shot from the first blonde mermaid that pulls up and hangs off their boat, you're telling her is not as attractive as dolphin pussy?
00:39:03
Speaker
That's what you're saying. Bro, you might be actually in the bestiality for real. No, no, no, no, no. Listen to me, though. Listen, all right? I'm going to... A dolphin, right? Yeah. Is a mammal.
00:39:15
Speaker
Okay? Yeah. So it's got like...
00:39:20
Speaker
That mammal puss, you know what mean? But like a fish, right? A mermaid, right? The lower half is part fish, correct? Yeah. So that's probably not the part you want to go into.
00:39:35
Speaker
It's probably rough and like filled with like okay weird like algae or something, you know? hey So what do you think a fucking dolphin's pussy is filled with? Fucking Windex? What do you think is in there?
00:39:48
Speaker
No, I'm saying it's probably cleaner. I don't... How? they're all They're all in the fucking ocean. What are you talking about? Yeah, but I don't know, man. It just makes sense to me. Also, you asked me if I wanted to kiss a mermaid. The human fucking face of a mermaid.
00:40:01
Speaker
Versus... You saying dolphin pussy looks delicious and you saying a human face on a woman looks gross. I think you're into, even think you're gay, so I think you just like to fuck animals.
00:40:11
Speaker
No. That's your case, bro. You like to fuck animals. No. You to fucking animals. And you can women, I ain't fucking it. You ain't fucking it. You ain't fucking it.
00:40:23
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. I don't know. Maybe Gerald will have like a revised statement to make later in the episode. i just play what I don't think I understand what you're saying. Yeah, I'm not dicking down a mermaid. If that was your question. No, I'm not going to dick one down. that was the That was the question the whole time. But give one a little. No, you asked if I kiss a mermaid is what you asked me. if i I'm pretty sure I said, would you give it to a mermaid?
00:40:47
Speaker
No, I wouldn't give it to a mermaid. I'd give her a little kiss, though.
00:40:51
Speaker
Yeah, but then like that's their whole thing, right? They want you to love them. Because they're going kill You know mean? Like a dolphin's a hit it and quit it type beat. You know i mean? Like they're not going to remember you. Like they're just going leave like dad.
00:41:04
Speaker
So it's like fine. You know what mean?
00:41:08
Speaker
Okay, well, then go back to what I initially said. If you know they're going to murder you, I'm not doing it. But if it's just right roll the dice, see what's going to happen. That's what I'm saying, because in the in the mythos of Pirates of the Caribbean, right?
00:41:23
Speaker
Yeah. Like, they don't 100% know. It's like they've heard stories of the mermaids. So you're rolling the dice. So you're with it then.
00:41:35
Speaker
yeah Yeah, I guess so. In this universe, you're with it. I guess I would give it shot. But you're being like, that's fucking weird you'd do that when you'd fucking eat a dolphin pussy. About saying I'm eating it. Where are you getting I'm eating it?
00:41:48
Speaker
You said dolphin pussy looks delicious. What does that mean? Yeah. What does that mean? I mean, it made you could just eat it. Unnecessarily. You're gonna fuck You're going to fuck your dick? What are you going to put in there? Your cock? Yes. If you're admitting to fucking a dolphin on this podcast, I can't. we can't I'm not saying I would. Okay.
00:42:06
Speaker
I thought it was. It's all jokes. I'm not saying I would. Right. Right. But you're like, oh it's weird. You'd kiss a mermaid. Hypothetically.
00:42:18
Speaker
Hypothetically, it's weird you fuck a dolphin. What are we talking about? It's weird. No, not even hypothetically. It's fucking weird you fuck a dolphin. That is weird. I think it's better to fuck a dolphin than kiss a mermaid's human head.
00:42:34
Speaker
Yeah, but then you look down. you know i mean? Like, at least you know what you're getting into with a dolphin. Alright, moving on. I'm done. I'm done with this. I'm done with this fucking dumb guy. I've lost brain cells having this conversation with you.
00:42:46
Speaker
This is fucking crazy. This is fucking wild. Let us know. We gotta put up a fucking poll online. Would you fucking... Would you eat a dolphin's cooter or kiss a dolphin's mermaid in the mouth? You tell us.
00:42:58
Speaker
No, actually, no. Not even that. You got dolphin cooter, a picture of dolphin cooter, and a mermaid face. We won't even say fucking it. We'll just say a or B. You pay hey your you pick.
00:43:13
Speaker
A mermaid's face or a dolphin's pussy. You pick. Let me know. only only reals Only real ones will go with the dolphin.
00:43:25
Speaker
See y'all in prison. What? With that fucking black guy. Yeah. Bubba taking me and the dolphin.
00:43:36
Speaker
ah So they, the mermaids start fucking circling this boat. They start jumping out of the water and attacking the crew. ah And then they have two other boats like further out that start bombing the water like drive these mermaids to shore cause they're gonna catch them in nets.
00:43:53
Speaker
ah Blackbeard uses his like mind control, sword control, whatever the fuck it is, to use flamethrowers and drive the mermaids towards the shore.
00:44:06
Speaker
ah But the mermaids start killing the crew at shore who are waiting with the nets. So Jack tries to tell them to retreat. But Blackbeard's like, nah, fuck it. You stay here. You're gonna fucking do this. You're stick it out.
00:44:18
Speaker
ah So Jack decides to make a run, turn off the light in the lighthouse. And i don't know what he did. he kind just like fucking tapped the ceiling couple times. did the so delay yeah Which made the whole top blow off.
00:44:30
Speaker
So then he there was that. That part was cool though. The little jump off of it with the explosion. It was very cinematic. Sure.
00:44:42
Speaker
I think you just have it out for me this episode. I don't. You talked about eating dolphin pussy.
00:44:50
Speaker
the The very next... It's crazy that that episode's coming out next. It's the next one coming out. Is you going, yo, dolphin pussy looks delicious. Yo, that could be a delicacy in some countries. what mean? They kill dolphins.
00:45:02
Speaker
Alright, so... This falling debris from the lighthouse lands on mermaid. Make me some dolphin pussy sushi. And, uh, she... is This mermaid's stuck. Uh, and the mer... The fucking Philip.
00:45:15
Speaker
Black Philip, who's white. Tries to, uh... He like catches her by the tail, but then goes to release her, but it's too late because the crew from Black Book's crew catches her.
00:45:28
Speaker
It was a jump scare. It got me good. It didn't work for me. I'm a pussy. We cut to the Navy arriving the next day. i don't know what to do with you.
00:45:41
Speaker
um and there're there're are fucking so Here, theyre like they're at least a day behind. ah But somehow later in the film, they all end up at the same place at the same time.
00:45:52
Speaker
So I don't i don't know. ah And they see the boat because Barbossa left the boat ah you know out at sea getting attacked by Mermaid. So they have to go by foot.
00:46:04
Speaker
um We cut to Blackbeard and his crew who are being led by Jack with his compass to find Ponce de Leone's ship. um And at this point, they blindfolded Jack for a little bit he wouldn't know where Blackbeard's ship was.
00:46:20
Speaker
ah ship As they're walking, Philip notices they're carrying this fucking mermaid in a fucking glass coffin with water in it. ah But she can't breathe because it's like sealed shut.
00:46:30
Speaker
So he takes it upon himself to open the casket and leaves it cracked ah with a Bible so she can breathe. So they're like dolphins.
00:46:44
Speaker
Meaning to breathe air. and Yeah. Yeah. I mean, most things breathe oxygen. No, look, I know that fish breathe oxygen. Okay. But the gills filter the oxygen out of the water.
00:46:57
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. But I'm saying they are more like dolphins than you would like to admit because they breathe like straight air, not water. I'm not saying they're not like dolphins. I said, it's fucking crazy that you wouldn't kiss a human face over eating dolphin box.
00:47:13
Speaker
That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I've said that four fucking times already. It's wild that you would pick the lady's face who was just that blonde-haired bitch that was just hanging out like this, didn't show any tits because Disney movie, who was like, hey, boys, you wouldn't kiss that face. You'd rather look at a fucking dolphin and go, want to eat that fucking box out. What's that muff like?
00:47:33
Speaker
That's what I was saying, bro. All right. Okay. You can have that opinion. That's fine to have that opinion. It's just I'm just saying it's wild. That's what I'm saying. I'm just trying to get some easy clam, all right?
00:47:45
Speaker
That's not even, you gotta go in the ocean, you gotta boat and go out in the ocean and just find a fucking dolphin. Then try to get near it. Uh-huh. And then you're like, yeah, what's up, dolphin? Can you just go over a dolphin? I'm about to play tricks with you. I'm about to make it my own personal sea world out there. know what mean? Okay.
00:48:07
Speaker
ah they come across a collapsed bridge and Blackbeard's like, all right, Jack, you're going. Just jump off the cliff, make to the other side, go find the chalices and come back. And they try to take his compass so he has a reason to come back to them.
00:48:21
Speaker
now And Jack's like, na I'm not doing that shit. We'll go around. And Blackbeard threatens to shoot Angelica. And then they have a whole thing here of like playing roulette. But it's like backwards roulette where it's like there's six guns, not...
00:48:37
Speaker
And then it's like the biggest, the most spread out version of real you could play versus like one gun. Didn't make any sense. Uh, so he shoots one gun at Angelica and there's no bullets in it.
00:48:51
Speaker
Uh, then Jack asked the quartermaster if he jumps off the cliff, will he survive? Um, and the quartermaster takes his voodoo doll, which he thought would have some meaning and throws it off the fucking cliff and then nothing happens.
00:49:03
Speaker
So Jack, uh, Angelica's like, I'm fucking with the talking. I'm going to go. And then Jack jumps off in front of her. And that's basically the end of the yeah fucking Buddha doll. It doesn't come back.
00:49:16
Speaker
We cut to Barbossa and crew. And Barbossa is collecting some frogs. That's what's... Okay. Never mind. yeah Yeah, we're going to leave it at Nevermind, I think.
00:49:31
Speaker
You're crazy, son. Wilding out today. Stop Kermit.
00:49:37
Speaker
um We cut to... ah We're back with Blackbeard's crew and they drop the mermaid casket and it breaks open and she spills out and then now has legs um And the missionary puts a shirt on around her.
00:49:55
Speaker
cause She's nude. And Blackbeard's like, you're gonna walk. And she's like, I can't. So Philip carries her. He's whipped, bro.
00:50:05
Speaker
Then he starts putting the moves on her when they like at the next resting spot.
00:50:12
Speaker
Blackbeard orders them to get a move on and bring the creature. And Phillip freaks out. She's like, has a name. Well, she hasn't had a name for most of the movie. I'm trying to eat her calamari.
00:50:23
Speaker
And ah her name is Serena. It's a nice name. We cut to Jack, who's boarding the Ponce de Leon. Uh, and Barbossa's already there somehow. They were a day behind like 30 seconds ago, but Barbossa's already there. Uh, they tried a sword fight, but this ship is on a fucking cliff, so they can't move because the ship will be off balance.
00:50:45
Speaker
Uh, and they find this box that should have the chalices in it, but it's empty because the Spaniards are ahead all of them. Uh... They look at this map that's been left behind, and I guess this map tells them where the next, where the Spaniards are going to be hanging out.
00:51:03
Speaker
ah Cut to Blackbeard, who he's with his crew, and they, I guess this is like a fucking, like a mermaid farmer. You know mean? Like, if you want need some mermaid tears, you'd fucking set this shit up and just fucking keep mermaids there. But essentially, it's puddle.
00:51:19
Speaker
Gary Poodle. And ah they leave mermaids them to die if they don't want to give up tears. And there's like all these dead mermaid skeletons there. um And they're going to torture her for a tear.
00:51:33
Speaker
um Blackbeard puts together that that the mermaid and Philip have a thing going on for each other. But you think and threatens to kill Philip if she doesn't give us a tear. And then he air quotes kills Philip.
00:51:47
Speaker
I'm thinking this was planned, though. At first, this is fucking stupid, but after like the rest of the movie, like maybe they planned like to like fake kill him? You think so? I don't know. He straight up sliced my guy.
00:51:59
Speaker
But then like he didn't like he was like playing dead, too, so yeah maybe he wasn't playing. I don't fucking know. It was fucking stupid. I he would have bled out by then. Yeah. so I'm saying i'm sitting maybe a wwe WWE cut him like they didn't actually fucking cut him. Oh, yeah? it was all of it all work? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe.
00:52:16
Speaker
maybe We cut to Jack who's telling Gibbs about Angelica how he wants to save her. Now he had stirrings or AKA real feelings for her. Uh, Barbosa and Jack sneak into the Spaniard settlement settlement settlement.
Climactic Battles and Plot Twists
00:52:33
Speaker
It's a word. And they see these chalices. Um, and Barbosa has frog poison on his tip.
00:52:45
Speaker
Damn, I wrote it like that, too. That's exactly how I wrote it. That's what saying, bro. Barbossa knows what's up with them frogs. He likes that tongue action. yeah da not Like frogger. I would say the frog tongue action would probably be a crazy rib job.
00:53:02
Speaker
Right? Yeah. I'd give you He might stuck, though, you know? Because, like, he can catch flies and the flies get stuck. So, might get, like, you Do flies actually get stuck on their tongues?
00:53:12
Speaker
I'm almost positive, yeah. Like, once they're, like, it back, like, once he retracts the tongue, it's, like... It's stuck on there, yeah. Because they got no teeth? Right. I don't think frogs have teeth. They just kind of swallow that bitch. But... Swallow a hole.
00:53:26
Speaker
What kind of frog do you think they're going after if he's got poison on his tip? The ones that he caught in the fucking, like, two scenes ago. The red ones. Yeah. You think they're real?
00:53:37
Speaker
like What are they called? I don't know. There's definitely poisonous frogs that exist in Earth. In Earth, yeah. I mean, the little poisonous dart frogs, but they're like the size of my pecker. I mean, this frog that he called was pretty small.
00:53:50
Speaker
he had like so He had a jar there were several of them in there. Yeah. If you're asking me what kind of animals these are, I don't know. You're not up on your amphibians? No, I'm not because don't cook too many of those.
00:54:03
Speaker
You know what mean? No. you ever had frog legs? Yeah, I've had alligator. I had alligator in Thailand. What? Yeah, on a barbecue. They had a whole they had a fucking alligator skinned on a spick.
00:54:16
Speaker
Is it spit? No, I don't know what it's called. You're the shit. It's a fucking rod jammed down its throat. out of as Kind of a pig roast, right? Yeah. Pig roast, it was a fucking alligator. legator Was it good?
00:54:29
Speaker
I don't remember. I don't think it was like memorable though. That's fine. I like alligators, not an amphibian, but I'm just saying, no, it's a reptile, um but I've eaten it. Yeah. Yeah.
00:54:41
Speaker
And you're trying to eat dolphin a different way. that's so um That's what I'm talking about. Not frog, though. Like, that's a little strange. You know? I've had frog legs. had frog in Singapore. I'm very, like, I really want to try more exotic meat.
00:54:54
Speaker
And don't take that out of context. That's how we got here. I get it now. All right. Yeah. okay Okay. So...
00:55:04
Speaker
Jack is able to take these chalices pretty easily. ah And then him and Barbossa fight some guards on their way out. But then they're met with like a larger crew ah with guns.
00:55:15
Speaker
i don't know how Barbossa is fighting with one leg. You know, it's kind of gimping. It's pretty sick, though. I will say that. It is sick. Especially when when we get them. They are a few and far between our good. Especially later when he uses his stick to fight.
00:55:28
Speaker
Yeah, or he fucking takes a drink out of it. That was... yo Yeah. screww Unscrews. I have McDonald's Coke in there for sure. Make it like a fucking, yo, Yeti, sponsor this man's leg. Give him a Yeti leg. A Yeti leg? That'd be crazy. For like actual people? Yeah, it keeps it cold. Yeah, man.
00:55:45
Speaker
but You could just unscrew it. It's like a ah leg flask. But I'm sure like if that shit like like if actually has like a gallon of water that's heavy, bro Like carrying that fucking weight around?
00:55:57
Speaker
Yeah, but how much do you think like a leg weighs? yeah but you don' Yeah, but your leg has muscles that that you're controlling. you're just You're just literally just carrying weight. Yeah, it's like dead weight, right? Yeah, you're not care it's not like your muscles moving.
00:56:10
Speaker
You're right. Next scene, I guess Philip is still alive. um And he comes back and he frees the mermaid. And she's so touched by this that she sheds a tear. She's probably so fucking tight too. young No, I don't.
00:56:24
Speaker
I'm lost on where you stand with this. i mean there's no i don't i don't know I don't know what you mean, man. but This is like literally like this felt like like fucking Dateline, like Chris Hansen. Like they fucking... You get the child molester to come in and they fucking the crew rushes in and like fucking catches you.
00:56:40
Speaker
Because Blackbeard's crew rushes in and collects the tear. ah And they don't put it in Dumbledore's spank bank. Although I do miss talking about Dumbledore's spank bank. That is true. Does he just...
00:56:53
Speaker
well It's just crazy. You just like dove head first into a big vat of semen. and just see and just see all And just see every memory of your entire life in there.
00:57:05
Speaker
Yeah. Probably sticky after you get out of there. For sure. We cut to Jack and Barbossa, who are now tied up to trees. and We find out that Blackbeard took the pearl from Barbossa and left him for dead.
00:57:21
Speaker
Also took his leg Didn't take it, but you know he fucking removed it. Cut. He fucking 36'd it. Yeah, true. And ah Jack's like, well, don't worry, mate. We'll get out of here. And he shimmies up this fucking tree and launches himself off the tree like as a distraction.
00:57:37
Speaker
Jack knows his way around a pole. That's all I'm saying. He's good. He's savvy around a pole. every every poll Every movie, there's a pole in him. right Yeah, he likes that.
00:57:49
Speaker
i'm not I'm not putting any judgment on him, but ah he might be a little... man I don't think you're the one to put judgment on him. You what I mean? Fucking dolphin box eater over there. Yeah, you're right. Fucking dudes is better. Yeah, I would say probably fucking dudes is better than fucking a dolphin. I would say yeah.
00:58:04
Speaker
That's... It's legal. I would, I would go. Yeah. So anyways, um, there's just a fight scene here, which actually isn't that great. Uh, Jack is like swinging from a tree and literally just like runs around and just like ties the whole group like very easily.
00:58:20
Speaker
Um, and just kind of magically has the chalices. Uh, the Navy is able to free Barbossa. We cut to, ah
00:58:31
Speaker
Angelica and Jack beating up with the rest of Blackbeard's crew. And Jack says, look, have the chalices, but if I'm going to give them to you, you need to not hurt Angelica, give me my compass back, and free Gibbs.
00:58:46
Speaker
So they do all that. um Jack gives Gibbs the compass, and he leads Blackbeard's group to go find the Fountain Youth. And he finds a water droplet that's traveling like upwards, which like gives him a lead, I guess, to like where to go. He like uses it as almost like a telescope. he like looks through it, and it's almost like x marks the spot.
00:59:08
Speaker
Yeah. um Or for you, it's a T-mark spot, because the dolphin pussy looks like a fucking T. Hey, yo. Yeah. ah they find ah They go through this cave and hit a dead end, and Jack clings these chalices together like try to make something happen. And they're like, all right, you're fucking phony. You have no idea the fuck's going on.
00:59:30
Speaker
ah Blackbeard shoots him, but he uses the chalices as like a ricochet shield type beat. And then notices the chalices say, water of life. water of life Whoa. um All of a sudden, water starts fucking puddling up on the ceiling and Jack gets sucked in. Jack gets sucked upwards.
00:59:52
Speaker
And the rest of the crew follow. They get up into this little nature-y area. It's kind of beautiful. Didn't this happen in Aquaman or some shit? He was like looking for the fucking something.
01:00:05
Speaker
Something, yeah. And like, or in, in maybe it was a Snyder's Justice League. I don't know. was It wasn't one of those, but something like very similar happened in this in this like same realm.
01:00:21
Speaker
Barbossa and crew, meaning the Navy, are waiting there for Blackbeard. He's there to arrest Blackbeard, ah but instead they have all-out war. We see the missionary get sliced open in his stomach and fake die again.
01:00:36
Speaker
Um, Angelica asks, I wrote, by the way, i wrote, uh, missionary fake dies again before I knew what was going to happen. Cause I knew he wasn't going to fucking die. Right. Uh, Angelica asks, scrum to follow her with the tear to go to the fountain youth and Jack stops them.
01:00:52
Speaker
Uh, and then there's like a scramble for like the, it's like fucking hot potato chalices basically. Mm-hmm. I don't know why Jack is stopping them for besides he doesn't want homeboy to live.
01:01:07
Speaker
Blackbeard. Blackbeard. Yeah. That's like his whole thing. um Next scene is the missionary stumbling right back over to where the mermaid is where she's locked up. they walked like literally three feet.
01:01:18
Speaker
If he can fucking sliced. Yeah. If he can just stumble back over there, that must've been that far away. um Suddenly the Spaniards pull up. Remember them? And ah the lead Spaniard says he takes the chalices from ah Angelica and he just stomps him out and throws him in the fucking water.
01:01:37
Speaker
And he demands that the Spaniards destroy the temple. There's no real reason for this besides like have faith in God. kind of yeah his his whole like motive is that like everybody should die and if if god tells you that you're supposed to live long you will some dumb shit yeah um so while they're all talking just before this barbosa was getting his ass beat by blackbeard um but blackbeard's distracted by the spaniards and barbosa stabbed him through the back and uh
01:02:11
Speaker
puts him down. I wrote kills him, but he's not dead yet. yeah But he's got that, he's got that poison tip in him. you that Yeah. Barbossa gave Blackbeard a fucking poison tip.
01:02:21
Speaker
Angelica grabs the blade to take it out of her father, but the, that shit has poison on it, bro. But I guess didn't fucking matter because ah what happens. Yeah. Jack tries to stop her.
01:02:34
Speaker
don't listen yeah um the spaniards destroy the temple serena shows up with the chalices and gives them to ah jack i wrote blackbeard um and jack brings them to blackbeard and angelica And he's like, right, one has a tier one, does not.
01:02:55
Speaker
And they're like going back and forth about who to save. then Blackbeard's just like, all right, that's the one that has the tier. And he's like, yeah, he's like, I'll take that one. He saves his his own life without even like kind of asking Angelica what she thinks.
01:03:07
Speaker
um And then Jack, Jack, you was coming. He fucking swapped the cups. So Blackbeard dies in a fucking water tornado. It was kind of cool and dissolved. he Yeah.
01:03:18
Speaker
You literally see his flesh peel from his bones. ah We cut back to Philip, who's still fake dying where the mermaid was. Um, and she pulls up, i wrote some gay shit happens.
01:03:33
Speaker
I mean, it's true. Yeah. They kiss and she brings them underwater. Then that's the last time we see them for this movie. I mean, she saves the life. We cut to Jack who's in a rowboat bringing Angelica to exile.
01:03:47
Speaker
And he goes to exile her and she comes with all these excuses to like take her with him, including that she's preggers. um And then says that she loves him and he still leaves her there with a gun and a bullet.
01:04:01
Speaker
But she uses that bullet to shoot, try to shoot Jack and she misses. Yeah. uh, Barbosa takes the queen and revenge as his ship and announces they're going to Tortuga. Uh, Jack meets up with Gibbs and, Gibbs has all the ships that were like in bottles. He took them all.
01:04:22
Speaker
So now Jack and Gibbs have a nice fucking fat fleet. got, I got fat feet. Yeah. And, uh, they're going to try and restore the pearl. And that that's the end of the movie.
Final Thoughts and Comparisons
01:04:36
Speaker
Yeah. This movie's just kind of blah. This movie's so blah we're talking about eating fucking dolphin pussy. Big blah. This is going to dolphin pussy debate episode. That's a sub. I don't know if we can even like... Over two parts.
01:04:50
Speaker
I'm braing um'm probably going to give it two and a half. I don't like hate it, but it's just fucking stupid. And like just nothing remarkable happens. It's just kind of boring. I'm giving it like a... yeah i there is I follow someone on Letterboxd who gave it a half star.
01:05:06
Speaker
which i think it's It's not fucking Ginger Deadman. No. ah I'm giving it two. Maybe I'll give it a two. It's fucking... It's bad, dude.
01:05:17
Speaker
Plus, i gotta give I got to leave room for the next one. You know, Dead Man Tell No Tales. Like, that's probably worse, right? got a 4K steelbook of that movie. Wow. I've never seen it, so it's probably going to be a schlog.
01:05:30
Speaker
I saw it in theaters. Wow. Yeah, I saw it in theaters back in the day.
01:05:37
Speaker
um um is it is the mermaid Is the mermaid dude romance worse than the Elizabeth Will shit in the last and At World's End?
01:05:49
Speaker
Yes.
01:05:52
Speaker
I don't think it is. I think it is. Because it it had no plot relativity. And Will and Elizabeth did?
01:06:03
Speaker
I mean, yeah, because they've been in love since the first movie, so it was a nice send-off at least, right? Like, it had a resolution. That's something, right?
01:06:14
Speaker
I mean, theirs had a resolution as well. We don't know what it was. They swam off together. wrote Some gay shit happens. I mean, yeah. They swam off happy ever after.
01:06:27
Speaker
I don't think the the beginning of At World's End with them trying to figure out their conflict because Elizabeth was dicking down Jack is not is not like an issue that needs to be resolved. It took a whole movie to resolve it, and it shouldn't have been all that. It made it like way more than it needed to be.
01:06:44
Speaker
No? Yeah, and this didn't need to be in the movie at all. Well, I think they added the fuck... they added i would agree with the guy flying with a mermaid. kind of fucking wild, but...
01:06:55
Speaker
It was like unnecessary. They were like, oh, well now Will will and Liz aren't in it, so we need another love side plot. We need Penelope Cruz.
01:07:05
Speaker
Who's a piece. She ain't no fuck yeah sheno fucking Knightley. No, that's true. But if you want to do another love story, just do Jack and someone finally. you know Let Jack get it.
01:07:17
Speaker
Nah, Jack's not going to match with one person. He's going to be all over the He'll be bopping and scatting on the pussy. You know I mean? He's scatting He's shitting on him. Dogging people. Just dogging broad after broad.
01:07:30
Speaker
I'm with it. Maybe I'll give it a two. It's a two. Don't lie to yourself. We're debating a half star here. Whatever. it's really Oh, that's not Teague. That's Blackbeard.
Episode Conclusion and Teasers
01:07:45
Speaker
ah Yeah, that's our episode on Trash mid movie. We'll do a... So follow us on Instagram, 2guysonescreenpod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to 2guysonescreenpod at gmail.com.
01:08:00
Speaker
Follow us individually on Letterboxd. Follow us on TikTok and YouTube. Fucking... You can send us a voicemail, 508-8-5-0. 508-8-8-dip-tip, six-minute limit.
01:08:15
Speaker
And then, listen to our other podcast, Yeah, you want it? For all our physical media pickups. Hopefully it's already out by now. Yeah, leave us a comment and let us know if you want us to start a Patreon. Brian does.
01:08:30
Speaker
Do you?
01:08:34
Speaker
Uh, next week is our episode of the dark night. It's, it's, it's a wild fucking episode. There is, there's a lot of good shit there. A lot of stuff that we now just do in our everyday lives. That's also true.
01:08:48
Speaker
Um, we've been wanting to get it out for a while, but it's just, we're just constipated.
01:08:55
Speaker
don't like that. That's what it is. Uh, obviously the dark night, one of the greatest movies ever, but yeah, Until then, we'll see you guys next week.
01:09:08
Speaker
Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.