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EP. 19 The ABCs of Death (2012)
94 Plays1 year ago
Nick and Gerald go letter by letter and review 2012's The ABC's of Death.
What letters are your favorite? Do you want the guys to review the sequel? Let us know! We hope you enjoyed our horror month special!
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Email the pod at 2guys1screenpod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction & Halloween Special
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 19 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast. My name is Nick. And I'm Gerald. And we'd like to wish you all a happy Halloween, little bonus episode. Ooh, spooky. ah We are reviewing for you the ABCs of Death, which is kind of fitting. For Halloween? Yeah, I guess. Yeah. It makes sense.
00:00:30
Speaker
Um, we're going death by death letter by letter here. So if you haven't seen it or you want to see it, uh, come back later. Come back later.
Discussing ABCs of Death
00:00:41
Speaker
Uh, it's a little confusing at some parts. Some of the letters are up for your own interpretation. I feel some of the letters are just bad looking at you. Z.
00:00:59
Speaker
Z's just off the rails fucking is I will not I will not tolerate anybody who's a fan of of Z Well, I won't I won't that's a terror. It's awful. It's so bad awful or funny. I Didn't find it funny. Really? No, but what we'll get to Z when we get to Z. All right,
Engagement & Future Reviews
00:01:19
Speaker
ah this film was released in 2012 and There are three of them
00:01:27
Speaker
2. 2? 2.5 is just like a compilation of the best letters. I'm pretty sure. Oh, that's when we should have watched them. Yeah, probably. ah Do you know they're making another God's Not Dead movie, by the way? Was this 5? I think so. i saw I was on AMC going to buy tickets, and it was like coming soon.
00:01:52
Speaker
Who's watching these? I don't know. Christians? I guess. So follow us on Instagram. Two guys, one screen pod. Send any comments, concerns, requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail dot.com and follow our individual letterbox. Uh, link in the description. Let us know about the clips. Yeah. Are you guys really enjoying the clips or, or the clip?
00:02:20
Speaker
Can't find it half the time. Yeah, I know. Where is it? I think it's a myth.
00:02:28
Speaker
So ah depending on how this goes, maybe next year we could do part two. do you Okay. Do you really want to do part two after the absolute struggle that it is to take notes on a movie like this? Kind
Film Premise & Artistic Freedom
00:02:43
Speaker
of, because one, I've never seen part two, and two, i've the ratings are way better.
00:02:50
Speaker
maybe this is a lot like going strictly off rotten tomatoes because fuck them though but the first one has like a 36 or something and the second one has a 73 that's a huge jump okay so maybe it is better but this was like you know we take notes for all the movies we review this was the most work this was this was a struggle it took me two watches to like do this because it was just so much and it just goes because they're all relatively short little films for each letter. It just goes so fast. Yeah, they're trying to squeeze a lot. Trying to squeeze a lot into like five minute segments. Some of them aren't even five minutes. Some of them are longer and some of them are shorter, right? Right. um So yeah, we're gonna go letter by letter. Gerald's gonna do A, but I'll read you guys the the intro of the film before we get to the first death. And
Violent Apocalypse Scene
00:03:44
Speaker
ah here we go.
00:03:46
Speaker
So twenty the film opens, and it's like a black screen with some but some type on it. And it was some print, some like some words. And it says 26 directors ah we're get ah or ask were given a letter and asked to choose a word, then create a short tail related to their chosen word. And it goes out of its way to mention that there was complete artistic freedom. And I'm here to say maybe there should have been a little bit of studio interference, because what the fuck on some of these?
00:04:15
Speaker
Some of these are borderline illegal. Yeah, I mean, it's not some of these are not OK. And then the opening I did enjoy. ah There's like blood creeping through like the floorboards and there's those little blocks that kids use like with the ABCs on them. I fuck with that. It works.
00:04:35
Speaker
The premise of this movie is amazing. Amazing. but It's like a thousand ways to die. But the showy I never have to watch it. Oh, multiplication rap. And so you're in this room and enough blood comes in events of these blocks float and the ABC blocks form the title card, which is ABC to death, which is great.
00:04:59
Speaker
Yeah, so we're not going to read every single director ah or the cast list because we don't hate ourselves that much. Right. We're just going to we'll shout out the directors that are notable, which are very few. But sure. Well, they're foreign. Therefore, a lot of this is foreign. A lot of it's not in English, which I didn't realize it was going to be the case. Right. You want to kick it off with a a a a. So a opens up and there's a guy eating some bread in his bedroom ah and then a lady presumably his wife walks in and she's holding a knife and she starts attacking him
Cycle's Time Loop Concept
00:05:46
Speaker
with said knife he tries to defend himself ah but she manages to cut off like half of his hand like kind of where his
00:05:58
Speaker
Yeah, in between in the little in between like do the like the little Star Trek thing and it's like right in there, right? You know, so it's like kind of dangling. And then she stabs him in his throat and
Critique: Dog Fight & Spider Fear
00:06:12
Speaker
he's still alive. Through all that, how he's still alive, how he's still alive. So she she walks out and comes back with a frying pan.
00:06:24
Speaker
And I can't tell if it's water or grease. I put hot grease. I did too. Yeah. Uh, and throws it in his face. So his face is like boiling now. This movie off the rip, like what the fuck is going on? What the fuck's happening? What a way to start the movie. Yeah. Uh, and then she starts beating the fuck out of him in the head with this frying pan. And you hear some like sirens going off in the background, some alarms.
00:06:53
Speaker
Like a car crash. Yeah, car crash stuff like that. And she goes to the window and then comes back and then starts talking to him, said that she's been, she's been poisoning him for a whole year. Uh, and he, she didn't want anything that, uh, any of this to happen. Yeah, it wasn't supposed to be like this. Yeah, it was really, uh, dumb, like this whole monologue.
00:07:24
Speaker
I think you needed to explain what the fuck's going on because the whole time you' like why is she beating the shit out of him? Yeah, but does it explain it though? Yeah, it was the apocalypse and she wanted him to die before the apocalypse started. Okay, but how's he still alive?
00:07:38
Speaker
Ask the person who directed a A. See this is how this movie's gonna go. A is for apocalypse. So I don't think she said that she was poisoning him for a year. I'm pretty sure she said a couple months.
00:07:54
Speaker
I thought she said poisoning since last year. OK, that's not what I wrote, but I also watched this movie like almost a week ago, so it's I'm not going to argue you on it. Anyways, she could be retarded and she could not have poisoned correctly or give him a strong enough dose. Yeah. And I think she wanted to. ah Obviously, like you said, he's like her husband or something, and she cares about him and she doesn't hurt in her mind. She didn't want him to be there for the end of the apocalypse and like the world to end. And she wanted him to die before that
Humor in Bizarre Segments
00:08:26
Speaker
and just like peacefully go out from poisoning.
00:08:28
Speaker
Then no one would know but instead she goes this route what you go like but She goes ham which is like what the fuck? Yeah um I like this. Honestly, I think this movie doesn't have to make sense necessarily No, it's not going to it doesn't mean I like it. But I think this is a good start to the movie It's a good like to suck you in you know, I mean I It sucks you in. ah It's got some good gore ah this yeah first opening, so you're you know what you're into, and some of them get absolutely fucking crazy with the gore. Alright, so we're gonna move into B. I'll just tell you now I didn't like B, but... Nah, I don't either. We'll keep going. It opens with a couple fooling around on the couch, and this kid walks in and he can't sleep.
00:09:20
Speaker
Uh, and it turns out the couple fooling around the, I believe the male partner is his cousin and they're at the child's parents' house. They're like babysitting essentially. Um, and he does, he can't go to sleep and they make up this story on the spot that there's a snow monster that will, uh, come and get this child. Is the child a he or a she? It's a she. It's a she, right? Okay. Um,
00:09:50
Speaker
Right. And the boyfriend, his, her cousin says this and the girlfriend's like, wasn't fucking snow in Mexico, you idiot. But, uh, but one time this snow storm came from Nepal and covered Mexico and snow for 40 days and people couldn't go outside and children were disappearing, which the lore on that's pretty interesting. Like make a horror movie out of that. Yeah. That'd be crazy. Uh,
00:10:18
Speaker
And then they started finding children dead with their hearts torn out. And ah they figured out who... They figured out like this this snow monster was doing it and they had a battle.
00:10:31
Speaker
In 1958, they had a battle that was so bloody and there was so much death that they made
Surreal Imagery & Disturbing Scenes
00:10:37
Speaker
a truce with this being in 1958. And they stored him in a cold storage container and he was only allowed to go outside after 8 p.m. for kids who weren't in bed.
00:10:49
Speaker
like It's just funny because like kids will fucking believe anything. Sure. like I believe Santa was real until I was 14.
00:10:58
Speaker
So the girlfriend's telling her more telling this child more and she's like he rings ah a doorbell And he throws these buys of these children into a cart And the girls like is this the boogeyman and she's like well if you want the boogeyman You'll just get abducted but this snow monster thing will eat your heart out in front of you while you're still alive So, ah you know pick your poison pick. Yeah your choice you you choose and then There's a janitor walking outside randomly, like on the sidewalk with the cart, the whole nine. And he rings their doorbell and it pans up to like the window of where this couple and this girl are staying. And this girl is tits out against the window getting fucked. And she's so into it. Yeah. ah And this doorbell keeps ringing. They don't answer because they're fucking. And eventually the man goes down and he opens a door.
00:11:52
Speaker
Uh, then it gets a little wonky. All of a sudden the girlfriend is in, like bust through the child's bedroom and she's like stabbed. Uh, and you see this janitor, I wrote garbage man, but janitor coming with a bloody pizza cutter. Yeah, it's a pizza cutter. Uh, and the girl, like he's in the girl's bedroom, but she's under the blanket and like counting sheep. Right. Cause they mentioned earlier, like to count sheep.
00:12:21
Speaker
And he leaves because she's in bed. And the title of that one is B for Bigfoot. I say B for bad. B for bullshit. B for bullshit, for sure. It's it's fine. Yeah. It's boring. A little bit. That one. I'll tell you, this C is is one of my favorites. C is one of your favorites. I like C. But I also like this movie called Coherence, which this gives me big Coherence vibes.
00:12:50
Speaker
Okay. Cause I also don't like see, but sorry. So we open on a blood stain and this guy is like hosing it down with a hose as you do as one does. Uh, and then like his wife calls for him and then it cuts to them in sleeping in bed.
00:13:19
Speaker
And the woman claims to hear something. So the man goes to investigate. It fades to black again. And it's morning time. And the man walks out into his yard to find a hole like in the bushes, ah which he proceeds to be sucked into.
00:13:42
Speaker
Well, he like goes to investigate it and then gets sucked into it. ah Then it fades to black again. And he wakes up lying on his lawn at night. So he walks into his house and he sees himself and his wife sleeping in the bed. Right. Uh, so he's like, what the fuck's going on? So he like runs back out into his living room and you hear the wife say what she said earlier. Like, Oh, I think I hear a noise. So he sees himself get up and go to investigate. And he's like, you know,
00:14:18
Speaker
hiding behind this shit and he ends up following himself outside and he strangles himself with a hose. As you do. As you do. And then that's where the, the hose is wrapped in barbed wire, which was pretty sadistic. I mean,
00:14:44
Speaker
right so then it cuts to so that but that like creates a blood stain right so then we go back to the beginning of the movie where he is hosing down the movie we go back to the beginning of the segment where he is hosing down his own blood stain Well, he throws and he throws the dead the guy's name is Bruce, I think in this. He throws the dead Bruce into the bush. Oh, yeah. john Yeah. and And he notices the blood stain on the ground. Right. So C is for cycle. So he's basically stuck in a time loop. I fuck with this heavy. I think it's great. Time loops are fine. Dormammu have come to bargain. Cuckoo ass. All right. Cuckoo.
00:15:33
Speaker
The movie? There's a time loop? There's a time loop, huh? Yeah. I already forgot about that movie. It's so irrelevant. Uh, yeah, see, did I put it in my top five? I don't know. It might be there. Uh, we're going, we go to D. D's terrible. Yeah. I don't like D. Uh, premise. There's this man boxer getting taped up to go boxing as you do. And.
00:16:03
Speaker
Uh, he's got some dog tags on that I think say buddy. Yeah. And as he like walks away from where you're like, the camera's filming, you see a poster for a lost dog ad for a dog named buddy. Uh, and then this was fucking strange where they filmed this because he gets in the ring. There's a guy with the chain and there's no dog. I rewound this twice to make sure I wasn't crazy. There's no dog.
00:16:30
Speaker
And then it cuts back to our main character buddy, and it cuts back to the guy again else. There's a dog um And this is all filmed in slow motion by the way right Zack Snyder is creaming his fucking jeans watching this
00:16:48
Speaker
ah And this dog kinda fucks him up. He he bites his wrist, he bites his thigh. And there's moments, it goes back and forth between like the dog being very like pristine and white to being like gray. like
Infidelity, Violence & Abstract Storytelling
00:17:01
Speaker
So dirty. um So this guy's getting fucked up and he bites the dog's head.
00:17:08
Speaker
ah and his teeth Dude, this guy's teeth are so nasty. Yeah, yeah. Uh, and he punches the dog several times in this whole segment, but the dog is just not. It kind of looked realistic, didn't it? It did, but the dog is just kind of phased. Yeah, it is concerning, especially because it's international. They don't give a fuck about dogs out there. Uh, and then they have this weird staring contest for a minute. It feels like an eternity because it's slow motion. Uh,
00:17:41
Speaker
And then the dog jump like like jumps up in the air and grabs him by the neck and yanks him to the ground.
00:17:49
Speaker
ah And I guess at this point the boxer realizes the dog is Buddy who's missing, who I guess is his dog. And he's yells Buddy and all of a sudden they're like have a truce and they fight the guy who was who set the dog on on the boxer initially, and they beat the shit out of him. ah And D is for dog fight. Terrible, terrible, terrible. Really bad. One of the worst ones, besides Z, one of the worst ones. 1000%. And O, fuck O. O. O is for orgasm. Spoiler, wow. Yeah.
00:18:35
Speaker
All right. So you didn't like e you were saying, uh, no. All right. I don't like spiders. This gave me that the, uh, what is it? The last story and creep show. Oh, okay. Yeah. Those kinds of vibes. All right. So he, it starts with a guy sitting at his desk and we see a really bad CGI spider.
00:19:00
Speaker
It's so big. Yeah. Climbing up his wall. So, you know, the classic roll up a newspaper, go to it and he goes to smack it. And guess what? Well, my biggest fear he missed. So now the spider is gone. You know where that guy is. Right. So then he's like, uh, looking, looking around and then he feels it on the back of his neck.
00:19:31
Speaker
and it proceeds to bite him. And then the spider runs away again. So then it cuts to Sunday and the
Filmmakers' Struggles & Parodies
00:19:42
Speaker
spider follows him to bed while he's sleeping, crawls on him, bites him. So he's getting a bunch of bites like all over his face and everything. The shot where like the spider goes over the pillow and like onto his face, I was like, uh,
00:19:59
Speaker
I went, ugh, but then I realized that's a bad CGI spider. and Okay. ah Monday, the spider is watching him eat a sandwich. And this guy's like,
00:20:13
Speaker
laughing at this show with his mouth open. It's kind of gross. Don't eat with your mouth open. So then Wednesday, ah the spider is back into the computer room and the guy's on his laptop jerking off and spiders. A lot of jerking off. of Yeah, a lot of jerking off and the spider is watching him. Um,
00:20:36
Speaker
Saturday He's on the phone with his girlfriend or his wife or whatever And there he's like explaining to her that he's getting his bites and he said that his ear hurts, but it's all right It's no big deal So then Sunday comes around and he's in the bathroom and the spiders in the shower So he says fuck this guy. I'm getting my revenge on this motherfucker and So he rolls up a the newspaper again and he smashes it. He gets it. So then he throw the too much guts, too much guts for a spider, way too much guts. So he throws it into the toilet, flushes it. And he feels like this pain in his ear.
00:21:27
Speaker
And then he's like screaming and then a bunch of little baby spiders crawl out of his ear and not a bunch. I mean, literally like fucking yeah hundreds of thousands. Start crawling out of his ear and you find out that the spider laid eggs in his ear.
00:21:44
Speaker
And E is for exterminate. I like this one. I don't know. I enjoyed it. I think it's fucking terrifying to think about a spider laying eggs in your fucking head. I think it's terrifying to figure out that a spider is actually stalking you and coming for you. Right. I'm not sure if you want to do A so you could avoid doing F, but it's definitely a theory of mine. Because F is fucking terrible. I love F. What do you mean?
Chase, Claymation & Vampire's Perspective
00:22:09
Speaker
You love F? F is funny, dude. F is fucking stupid.
00:22:14
Speaker
You're complaining about bad CGI on a spider, and this one has some of the worst CGI in the whole fucking film. All right. So, F is a Japanese girl, and you know this because she's just fucking standing in front of a Japanese flag. And she says that ah people in this country believe they were watched over by gods, and she doesn't believe in god.
00:22:41
Speaker
because and she farts, because ah sensitive girls are sensitive and ashamed of farting, so therefore there's no God.
00:22:55
Speaker
And then this teacher, I guess, she's her teacher, Yumi, Miss Yumi, walks over and apparently she saw ah our main character fart and our main character is now embarrassed.
00:23:10
Speaker
And then we hear this like monologue, like her internal like thinking as she thinks that Yumi's been watching her. And she tells us she's been yearning for Yumi's breasts.
00:23:25
Speaker
ah And they like go to like hold hands, I guess, and an earthquake happens. And our main character tells us it's God's wrath.
00:23:38
Speaker
and Like the fucking ground cracks and this black gas comes out and they say it's from the ass of God. And she's like, I don't want to die. From God's ass is gas. I want to die from you gas. So I got I wrote down. I wrote down. Yumi sprays and our main character prays for that.
00:24:07
Speaker
And then it just shows like the wrath of the apocalypse I guess or earthquake and people's heads are on fire. Some people are turning into stone Our main character gets sucked into Miss Yumi's butt And they show again very bad CGI her like in the fetal position inside her ass But For some reason Yumi's also in there And she says that they all smell the same on the inside That's fucking weird.
00:24:40
Speaker
um I don't know why I wrote there, but I'm pretty sure it ends with ah with her fart blood. And if you didn't know what F was for, F is for fart and F is also for fucking stupid. I hate it. I hated this one so much. I didn't find any of this funny at all. OK. We have different humor, I think.
00:25:04
Speaker
I don't know how- I just don't get how you can complain about bad spider CGI and then this is funny. This is terrible CGI. This is like up there with Z oh for bad CGI. Yeah, but the concept is a lot more appealing to me. That's fucking crazy! It's more appealing? A fart? A girl sucking another girl's fart is more appealing to you? Yeah, because I don't like spiders. I'd rather suck a fart than right fight a spider.
00:25:35
Speaker
Yeah, what about farting blood? It's bad, but... I have hemorrhoids. Alright, about that. I said I had hemorrhoids last time. Fuck it. Okay. H is for hemorrhoids. I wish.
Dystopian Future & Chaotic Mix
00:25:52
Speaker
Alright, G. G's terrible as well. I don't understand what happened. I don't get why G is for what it is. Okay. I don't get why he died. Right. Okay. This is gonna be a quick one.
00:26:05
Speaker
So it's a short one and it's a POV of a guy getting ready to go surfing. He like gets out of his car, put some shit in his bag, grabs a surfboard, goes to the beach. And I, would I think he only goes like a couple of feet out into the water. No, he gets out there cause it cuts like he went out. So maybe like Yeah, he's a good. He's in deep water. He's a good length. Not his cock, but how far he is out in the water. We don't know how long his cock is. Might have made it better. So when he gets out there, he like immediately gets pulled under the water.
00:26:52
Speaker
Out of know nowhere. So now we're like under the water with the camera and we see like, I think it's blood. What do you think it is? It's like a black mass. I didn't see anything. No. Okay. I don't know what I don't know what you saw. I'm happy you saw something at the top right corner of the screen. Like this thing starts coming in like that.
00:27:19
Speaker
No, I just remember the cameras like floating on the water. You see the surfboard floating. Yeah, that's after that. Like perpendicular. Oh, well, maybe I'm imagining things to make it better. ah But I'm happy you saw something. You have closure. ah Yeah. Like you said, we see whatever that thing is. And then it goes up to a shot of the surfboard and it ends. And G is for gravity.
00:27:48
Speaker
I mean, G could have been for Great White Shark, G could have been for anything besides gravity. Anything. If you wanted to do a water thing, fucking... Geez, forget a new fucking segment, please. This is terrible. Yeah. Not great. No. ah H is off the fucking rails. H is a good one. um I don't know if I'd say good, but it's fine it's a move it's a it's a segment.
00:28:12
Speaker
and almost The beginning almost looks like it's animated. Right. But it's not. Uh, they're at this like showroom, almost of like, like where you like perform like a,
Body Image Issues & Revenge
00:28:25
Speaker
like a fashion runway type. Yeah. Or like a strip club. Yeah. Something like that. Uh, and a, a furry comes out. I don't know how else to put it. It's a fucking cat that's dressed sexually. Uh, and it cuts the audience. There's a dog. They're all like, he's dressed up like as a dude.
00:28:47
Speaker
And he's watching, and he's he's horned up. And you his eyes and his tongue like shoot out of his fucking face. And like literally like go right to her tits, cat tits. Yeah. ah He gets on stage. He's going crazy about cat tits. And then you see on her arm ah that she's a Nazi, apparently. So there's that.
00:29:14
Speaker
ah and then She's like enticing him or whatever when there's a little robot. It looked like the little John from Star Wars. Oh, you know what I'm talking about? Donk droid. No, no, go was that big one that goes. Yeah, the little tiny ass, the little tiny ass johns that are on the Death Star. Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They sound like mice almost. Right. ah And his little robot sneaks up behind this dog and punches him right in the in the john or in his nuts.
00:29:44
Speaker
Uh, and all of a sudden this thing, it looks like,
Extreme Ending & Conclusion
00:29:52
Speaker
uh, like a telescope for a submarine almost that comes down and his eyes get tied around this. No, it's his testicles.
00:30:03
Speaker
When the robot punches him in the nuts, his testicles come flying at his mouth. See, I missed that. All right. So it's testicles. Yeah. Uh, he is electrocuted. Yep. Uh, and then this, the cat flips the switch and his pool opens below him that has like water and like electrical probes. And these little John's that, uh, punched his nuts have like teeth on top of them, uh, that are coming like bite his hands and his feet. So he's like trying to stop himself from falling in.
00:30:39
Speaker
ah And then a necklace I'll lock it falls out of his shirt and he opens it and it says keep calm and carry on All right ah He puts his feet in the trap so he can get up and he punches his cat furry in the face And electrocutes her she gets thrown in this pool and she melts and explodes
00:31:05
Speaker
The dog, uh, it ends with the dog smoking a cig and he winks at the camera and it says H is for a hydro-electro-diffusion. What the fuck does that mean? H is for holy shit. What the fuck are you guys doing? Yeah. That's a random one right there.
00:31:25
Speaker
I, I'm a little split on. Yeah, eyes, uh, it's a little depressing as well. But we're almost at J.
00:31:36
Speaker
Is Jay the one that I thought I liked? Jay's an amazing one. Okay. All right. So I starts ah with a guy sitting on a toilet in a bathroom and he has a syringe and a bottle of some type of liquid. So he opens the shower curtains and we see a woman tied up with her own underwear ah in the tub and there's blood all over and she has a voiceover and she says that she wasn't an intruder and that he changed her that you aren't brave or unique you're basic she can't remember how she got here and then the guy injects her with the syringe
00:32:32
Speaker
And then runs out of the bathroom. She starts scratching her body everywhere until it starts bleeding and like bleeding, bleeding, a lot of blood. And she starts vomiting. And she tries to pull herself up from the, using the shower curtain, but the lowell little, little rung on the The rod. The rod and the little circular johns that hold the shower curtain up break. And she dies. Lily just take the the tie gag off. Right. It was not tied on there very tight. No.
00:33:18
Speaker
um
00:33:21
Speaker
I can't tell. Oh, eyes is for ingrown for some reason. Yeah. Were they married, do you think? Or was like was it a one night stand and he's a serial killer type thing? Or did he rape her? I'm not actually sure. He could be ah just a crazy dude. there's not There's like nowhere near enough context. No. i don't I mean, maybe there were a couple, but I'm not sure.
00:33:50
Speaker
ah
00:33:53
Speaker
Jay, I'm getting more fucking Japanese here.
00:33:59
Speaker
um This man is wearing a Japanese flag headband and it slowly zooms up to you see him. There's two men, like one guy's laughing and the other man loses focus and his face changes and they like puckers. Essentially, what's going on here is the guy who has a Japanese flag headband is going to is supposed to kill, decapitate the other guy.
00:34:25
Speaker
who's on his knees. I'll say it like that so it makes more sense. So the guy who's on his knees just keeps making these stupid faces.
00:34:35
Speaker
ah And the dude who's supposed to decapitate him is like pouring fucking sweat. ah And then they cut back to the guy on his knees and his eyes are hanging out of his head. And the guy who's supposed to you know kill this dude's name is Kawabe, they go, what's wrong?
00:34:53
Speaker
um And he's like distracted. He looks back down and a guy who's supposed to kill him, who is supposed to get decapitated, kills him, is killing himself. He's like doing the hiri kiri, John. sedu sir Wow. Sapuku. What's other than you showed me the other day? Cthulhu? Cthulhu? That's not Cthulhu, Sapuku. He gets decapitated. The head rolls. There's a little weird face on his head.
00:35:20
Speaker
And you see a puddle of this dude's blood in the reflection. You see the guy laughing. And ah Jay's verge to die. Geki, which went to go look it up. Did you die? Geki is a genre of film, television, video game and theater in Japan, literally meaning period drama. So I'm guessing this is a satire on a period films. Yeah, ah this one's pretty.
00:35:49
Speaker
Fine. I found it very funny, but it's explaining it doesn't really truly show you like, you know, what the faces look like. Cause it's all claymation and it's really funny. It is. There's a lot of claymation, which I appreciate.
00:36:08
Speaker
So K is our K is interesting. Yeah. K is the first animated film that we get and The plot revolves around a woman going to the bathroom. So she's sitting on the toilet and she's, she's pushing hard as fuck. You know, like she's constipated, right? She's pushing, pushing. I can relate. Right. And then you just hear, she drops a turd and she goes to flush the toilet, but the toilet doesn't flush.
00:36:43
Speaker
So her first instinct is to shove all of the toilet paper into the bowl and try again. I'm not too sure what she was trying to accomplish there. Yeah, I don't know. So there was no escape. I don't know. No escape. Yeah. And someone's knocking on the door to get in. you Right. She's, you know, she's at a party. Uh, so the turd won't go down. It won't flush and it hops out of the toilet.
00:37:14
Speaker
And she can't pick it up to throw back in the toilet because that's really disgusting. So she, she takes off her stiletto and stabs it and tries to bring it over to the toilet. But every time she tries to, you know, get rid of it, it just but like pops up, gets out of the toilet again and it keeps following her.
00:37:41
Speaker
So she keeps, she tries blowing it into the toilet. That doesn't work. So she decides to take off or pretty gross to do that. Pretty gross. Yeah. So she takes off her bra and tries to use it as a slingshot to this clever i to send it into a toilet, but that doesn't work either. So the turd ends up on the ceiling.
00:38:06
Speaker
but she doesn't know that yet. So she's like bending down on the ground looking for it. So, but as she bends over, her underwear kind of like rides down a little bit. I'm stuck under this toilet step, bro. Yeah. And the turd ends up shooting back up her asshole and shooting out of her mouth. So she just falls onto the ground and blood just starts pouring out everywhere.
00:38:37
Speaker
and they finally break down the door and they find her dead. um K is for klutz. Finally a good one. L is fucking crazy, dude. L is great. This is one of the ones I remember from back in the day. All right, so we open with two men tied to chairs naked and people are watching them with masks on.
00:39:06
Speaker
A lady appears in front of them and starts undressing and she has like a paint a black stripe painted on her face And I wrote in my notes jerk off contest question mark literally ah But you're led to believe they're jerking off and I guess if you come first you win Yeah, whoever comes first wins wins. So well, you get to stay alive. I guess our main character we follow we don't know his name, but he comes and The lady walks over to their guy, and she presses a button on the back of his chair. And this spike goes through his fucking throat. Yeah, like up through it, like his ass, like all the way up through his throat. Like, yeah, the spike is in the bottom of the floor. Like if you've ever seen the classic scene from Cannibal Holocaust, where they found out. Yeah, I'm not sure how many people can relate to that one. Nobody. Nobody.
00:40:02
Speaker
ah But essentially, this guy makes it through all the stages. ah He gets to stage 12, which is a cripple. ah And she's got no leg, and she's fucking herself with a fake leg. And the contestant in this one is like, what am I supposed to do? And our main character's already jerking himself off.
00:40:21
Speaker
um And there the lady that walks over and like, you know turns a spike on she's sitting off to the side and She like opens her Her leg and he's beaten off to like underwear essentially ah And there's a an eye appears in her snatch like blinks it was Crazy um
00:40:51
Speaker
So he wins because he's jerking off to the girl instead of like the cripple. And the lady goes to kill the other guy and the device won't work. He keeps pressing it and pressing it. And then it finally works and it shoots through the guy's shoulder and into this girl's jaw.
00:41:06
Speaker
um Here's the your it stage 13. A little boy lays down in bed in his underwear.
00:41:18
Speaker
ah And this man appears they don't show you but you're led to believe he's fucking the kid Yeah, so they basically have to masturbate to a child getting raped And I wrote I Wrote shoots ropes. Yeah, this new guy dude. He's fucking into it ah Our main character throws up And then he awakens and it feels he like he like passes out because he's been jerking off for 13 rounds. ah Then he wakes up and it feels like a dream sequence because there's this hot like hot chick riding him. ah But he looks over and the he's now, the contestants are jerking off to him. And then the girl who's on top of him just starts chainsawing his body.
00:42:15
Speaker
And that's how he dies and L is for libido How many rounds are you making it to I Could probably go three really it takes me a while recharge Sure, well, we don't know how much time I have in between that's true. I'm thinking one after another. Yeah Cuz he's out of breath like his eyes are red like he's tired.
00:42:42
Speaker
Could use a blue chew. Right. Hey, blue chew sponsor us. So this felt very Serbian film. I don't know if you got that vibe. A little boy getting fucked. Yeah, it felt pretty Serbian film to me. Yeah. Let us know if you want us to review Serbian film for the pod. I'd be down. but I'm not down. Not down. No, I'd rather not talk about that movie ever again. How about if we get
00:43:10
Speaker
50 likes No, no, nope. No, you gotta go higher than that buddy. All right I'm not not reviewing a Serbian film. I'm putting my my opinions and that film out on the internet Okay, and it's one of my favorites Really? Yep, it's quite sure. It's short sweet and fucking depressing and I liked it Is this the one directed by, uh, Ty West? Ty West. All right. Ty West famous for the X trilogy. a X Pearl Maxine. I have not seen Maxine yet. So M starts and there's a woman at a toilet. A lot of toilets in this movie. A lot of toilets, a lot of shit, a lot of blood, a lot of jerking off.
00:44:00
Speaker
So she's at a toilet and she tries flushing it, but it won't flush. Uh, she goes to the garage to get a plunger. And when she comes back, it cuts to the toilet and the water is super bloody. And it looks to be, I have entrails, uh, but you find out that it's a fetus.
00:44:30
Speaker
and M is for miscarriage. Oh my God. And that's the whole thing. It's so funny that she finds the plunger in a dark, like some random ass room not in the bathroom. Who's keeping a plunger anywhere else? That was my exact thought. ah But I wrote this, to I wrote like her intestines. I was like, what is that? And then it says M is for, the reveal of M is for Mitch Carridge. I'm like, holy shit. That's a fetus. He gave birth into a toilet.
00:44:59
Speaker
ah Apparently that happens a lot like women don't know they're pregnant and they shit on a baby. Yeah, dude Right in the pocket. You're a shadow, baby um We'll go to end and was one of my one of my favorites I already said it, but I'll say it again um And there's this bird that talks in the cage like repeats like a phrase or whatever ah It's Shane's pet and Shane's girlfriend and Uh, is afraid of the bird flu, which is valid. Hey, um, let's the, uh, the bird out of the cage and he's like, say something to mommy. And she's like, hi, the bird's like, a hi, Annie, you're so beautiful. Uh, and ah Shane proposes to Annie with the bird. The bird like pulls a ring out and puts it on her finger and she's like, yes. Uh, if somebody proposed using a bird, I mean,
00:45:58
Speaker
Who is actor saying yes to that? That's way better than mine. You fucking lose her? With a bird? Dude, mine was rough. Mine was very... cringe all over the place. Lame. You wanna tell us about it? No, I'll send you the video at some point. Oh, I don't wanna see that. No, it's very cringe.
00:46:20
Speaker
And then the bird, the bird just goes rogue. And starts saying phrases, it's heard. So it says, don't be scared. Joy, my girlfriend isn't going to know. ah Repeats that a couple of times. Mine is kind of big, so it's going to hurt a little.
00:46:36
Speaker
And then it's what the girl is the girl saying Shane yours is so big and makes like these moaning noises And Annie just kill Shane. I think she stabbed him or something. Yeah, and and is for nuptials was Like a wedding, okay. Yeah, I looked it up afterwards. I didn't know what that word was either I'm not exactly sure what you're gonna say for Oh, but ah good luck. Oh is very yeah
00:47:09
Speaker
fever dream yeah very david lynch yeah gave me big eraser head vibes so bear with me if this comes out like absolute dog shit because i don't know what's going on right So the opening shot is really pretty.
00:47:34
Speaker
So it's like close ups of like body parts and like the tip of a lit cigarette and like this late this guy's like eating this girl out. And it like flashes between images of like her like closing her eyes and like throwing her head back and the tip of the cigarette ah bunch of random fucking images show up like bubbles flow out of this chicks mouth ah like like Willem Dafoe and poor things still need to see that there's like a a Barbie doll voodoo doll thing and it's burned through the stomach with the cigarette and there's like the woman she's on a leather couch
00:48:28
Speaker
and, like, and gripping onto it. A bunch of color changes, like neon greens and reds. A man dressed in all leather, like, invades the scene. And I think she's getting raped at this point.
00:48:54
Speaker
Or or should she just can't yeah, I don't really know she gets strapped in too. Yeah, like some really kinky sex I Mean that's all I have wrote because it's kind of Hard to comprehend but oh is for orgasm Yes, one of my least favorite ones I didn't really care for this no No, i what am I gonna say tried my best guys? and She's it's not I don't like this. No, I don't like this. I
00:49:25
Speaker
I don't like pee either, but it's all right. We'll go to pee. If one kind of bothered me. I don't like it. All the cat lovers, sorry. I have two. You have two.
00:49:40
Speaker
ah There's this kid looking at a bike. Bikes! What the fuck is that from? I'm Segura. If you know, you know. um And they all, like, used follow her to, like, the pool.
00:49:55
Speaker
Uh, they all have a day at the pool. They go to sleep the next day they're eating. Uh, and the mom goes to the mall. Look at this bike. The girl was looking at the day before, uh, they feel like a calendar or whatever. Like she saved this money for her daughter, Cindy, Cindy's birthday. Uh, and she makes money by being a hooker by fucking dudes or chicks. Hey, whatever. Um, the bills. Yeah.
00:50:24
Speaker
uh while she's at work uh it cuts back to the house and the dad is drinking and going on a fucking rampage the kids are like terrified tears the whole house apart looking for money uh he we cut back to the mother who is on the street and she's in this club and this man walks over to her and he's talking to her you don't hear what what he's saying but he gives her a card um And she's like, all right, you fucking weirdo. And then she comes home and the kids don't have ah the kids are like terrified and the old money's gone and her husband left piece of shit. da So she's like, what am I going to do? And she calls this guy who gave her the card. um And essentially the guy was going to pay her, have her much money to step on a kitten on video and like kill it.
00:51:20
Speaker
They don't show it, show it, but it's definitely very uncomfortable and unsettling. It's very uncomfortable because she's like, you don't actually see like, you know, the stomp part, but like she gets kind of close. Like she's putting a little bit of pressure on this kittens head, man. I don't know. I like it. Yeah. And like you said, P is for pressure. Yeah. We, we both have two cats. Uh, not a fan, not a fan at all.
00:51:49
Speaker
She basically uses the money that she got from killing that kitten to buy her daughter a bike. You sick fuck. Or pay rent. She has no money now. Yeah, but it cuts to her like smiling watching her daughter ride a bike. I miss that. ah Q is one of my favorites. Really? Yeah. and Okay. So Q, we start on a film set like with a green screen.
00:52:17
Speaker
Uh, and a girl with massive tits, uh, does a line of Coke and it cuts to Adam Wingard, who is the director of your next and VHS. Great movies. Go check those out.
00:52:33
Speaker
And his co-director Simon Barrett, and they're basically saying like, this is a disaster. This isn't going well. So it cuts to the girl with the big tits screaming for the camera. And they're like, yes, this isn't working dog. So we, we find out that they're coming up with ideas for their scene for ABCs of death. And they feel really disrespected because they were given the letter Q and they're only getting paid $5,000.
00:53:04
Speaker
So they they come up with this idea to do a snuff film with a duck. So it ah it cuts to them in the desert and they have a duck in a cage and it bites Adam when he sticks his finger in it like no shit. It's mad at you. Right.
00:53:24
Speaker
So they walk over to the camera and they both have guns and they press record and they're aiming at the duck and Adam can't get himself to shoot the duck. He wants Simon to do it. So Simon's like, all right. Uh, his gun jams and like an idiot, he like turns it sideways and pulls the trigger and it ends up shooting Adam and Adam shoots Simon.
00:53:53
Speaker
and they both fall down and die, but does a close shot to the duck. The duck survives. Q is for quack. That's an interesting one. Very meta. Yeah, very meta for sure. All right, so we'll move to R.
00:54:16
Speaker
ah Honestly, the premise of this one's kind of interesting. Yeah, I really like this one. I don't get the ending, but maybe we're not supposed to. right um There's a man in a hospital with a blood bag and like covered in bandages. ah He basically looks like Deadpool and he's writing on like these discs and there's two men at the front of the hospital ah talking with like the receptionist. ah We cut back to the man and he's getting undressed. Looks like a, like I said, like a burn victim.
00:54:52
Speaker
um And his skin is fucking gone. It's cooked. Yeah, ah but they cut these little Specifically sized shapes of skin off of him It's bloody Mm-hmm, but they take it and they Clean it. It looks like a room like where you like processed photos shout out one hour photo One hour Frodo great movie. We should review it we should I um And then he it cuts he gets wheelchair like into a cage and Then like everyone's taking photos of him and he's like being mobbed This girl starts licking his arm cut to more skin being removed and the doctor ah Rolls him over on his side and Spanx him hello ah And the patient he chokes him out
00:55:48
Speaker
and he sticks his head in the what What is that thing? It's like if you can't fucking shit in a hospital you just like it like goes right into a bag the bedpan Yeah, he just sticks his head in there. That's gnarly And I guess there's a gun in the closet cuz he either was a soldier or if somebody else's soldier uniform, but he grabs a gun Smacks the shit out of this nurse with her glass bottle ah Any
00:56:17
Speaker
He stabs this dude with the, he's like attached to that rod that has the blood, blood bag on it. Like the IV bag. Yeah. He like stabs the dude with that rod. Uh, he shoots another guy and the guy, when the guy gets shot, he goes flying through the window. It's pretty funny. Kind of. Yeah. Unrealistic, but funny. And then this is where it kind of loses me. Uh, he's like in like a train yard and he starts pushing a train.
00:56:47
Speaker
yeah and The blood bet Go ahead. like He's like superhuman or something and the blood bag is now empty And then like he'd like falls over I guess he dies um And then it starts literally raining blood shout out evil dead 2013 ours for removed Yeah, I don't I don't get the ending I mean, I don't get why he has like camera negatives as skin
00:57:18
Speaker
are I don't know what, I guess in this society his skin is like worth money. I thought, I took it like they made like belts out of his skin. Nah, his skin is literal camera negatives. So S. S. Eggs. Actually, I actually kind of like S. Yeah. So we're in a desert. And a woman is taken captive by gunpoint by this other woman.
00:57:48
Speaker
which I will refer to one as the woman and the other one as the captive. So we're straight. Uh, but they're also being chased by this guy, which originally I thought had like a pumpkin head looking face, but I think I know who he is. So the one woman puts the captive in the trunk and takes out a flamethrower to attack the evil dude.
00:58:15
Speaker
She lights him on fire and then immediately gets in her car to drive away. Uh, the other guy hops in his truck and a car chase ensues between the two cars. The woman runs out of gas and bro pulls up. She takes the captive out of the car and the evil guy says it's not the captives time. Uh, he wants the other woman.
00:58:43
Speaker
So he pushes the captive out of the way and he grabs the woman's hand. And she passes out. And I'm assuming this guy's like the Grim Reaper. Yeah, because he says ah it's not her time and like you can't run forever. Right. So she wakes up in like this really dirty, grimy room, looks straight out like a Saw movie. Yeah, it does.
00:59:06
Speaker
with ah a bunch of other women that look really disheveled. um And one of the girls grabs this bag of white substance that's in between the previous girl's tits and she starts cooking it. And I'm, I don't know much about drugs, but I think she's making heroin because she puts it in a needle and injects herself.
00:59:37
Speaker
And S is for speed. Speed? Well, it's probably speed the drug. That would make sense, right? Yeah. Uh, we get the T. T is in my top five. I fucking love T. he is a mit T might be my favorite. Uh, it's completely animated, like stop motion, claymation vibe. Uh, and there's a red bull.
01:00:02
Speaker
ah With a smile face being thrown out and the kid is like staring at it like through the window ah Dad his dad gets home and goes it's showtime and they go to the bathroom And I guess this kid is struggling to use the bathroom because he's scared of it ah But his parents send him on the on the toilet and the ground starts shaking So he gets off and his green liquid shoots out of the toilet like a fountain um And the toilet unscrews from the floor and like turns into a monster and locks them in the, locks his family in the bathroom. And there's this like, I don't know how these toilets work that they have, but apparently there's a, the top of the toilets like attached to the wall. How's that work? Yeah, I don't know what that is. And there's a chain. Is that your flusher? I guess. And this chain, he chokes the shit out of the dad.
01:00:57
Speaker
And the wife is trying to like help the father. So this she sticks the plunger in this like toilet monster's eye. And it shoots out like blood. But the blood is like a xenomorph blood, and it's like acid. Right. And melts like half her face off, which is gnarly, even in claymation. Yeah, it's a very gory short. The monster eats like half her body.
01:01:24
Speaker
ah The dad throws up.
01:01:31
Speaker
his intestines and his, uh, he gets eaten. And when he gets eaten, there's like a, it looks like he took like a fucking shotgun and shot blood. Right. It was, it's bloody. Uh, the toilet burps, uh, and just disappears. It's just gone. And the boy wakes up. So it was all a nightmare. And his stomach's gurgling like he's a shit. So he,
01:02:01
Speaker
sneaks into the bathroom like quietly and a dad wakes up and he's like he's finally using the fucking toilets about time and he sits down and his top part falls and like scares him and somehow his head ends up wedged between the toilet and the lid and the dad walks in and sees his head like in the toilet and he's like laughing at him And this, I don't know how, but this heavy thing that's like attached to the wall for the toilet falls and crushes his head. Well, earlier, um, the dad mentions that sometimes they use the wrong screws to put those things on the wall. Well, maybe you shouldn't fucking do that. Right. Uh, and it cuts, but you hear the dad screaming and a T is for toilet.
01:02:50
Speaker
class I just appreciate the animation. Yo, yeah, it's it's fantastic. You know, they put a lot of effort into it, right? It's a gory one. It's it's Kind of funny. Yeah So you This is a like POV style like hardcore Henry type John
01:03:18
Speaker
So it starts with I think they're opening like a ah coffin or some kind of wooden box.
01:03:27
Speaker
And a lot of people are attacking the main POV character. And a priest starts throwing holy water at him. ah They keep attacking him and then he like kind of runs away a little bit and grabs a woman and bites her neck.
01:03:47
Speaker
He then runs away into the woods and he's being hunted down by, I put the humans as we'll find out. They have like flashlights and everything. Uh, he runs into a man with a bow and arrow and flaming arrows.
01:04:08
Speaker
And he immediately, he initially misses his first shot, but then ends up hitting him in the arm. Uh, he passes out and when he comes to a guy is standing over him with pliers and starts pulling out two of his teeth when he wakes up. Uh, the priest then walks over and takes a wooden stake and puts it through his chest and a fireman walks over and decapitates him with an ax. Surprise, surprise. Uh, it's a vampire, but you is for unearthed.
01:04:47
Speaker
It was a fun one. I didn't hate it. No, they also the like the end is funny. I pick his head up and it's like the POV of his head. Yeah. We're like, huh? They probably they probably wanted to do a vampire one, but they got you instead of V and they're pissed. They're like, let's figure out how we can do this anyways. yeah ah V is set in the yeah, set in the future.
01:05:15
Speaker
ah New Vancouver 2035 the Fraser quadrant There's a group of people who are like armed in a room They hear a knock at the door. They go to answer it like cautiously, but the door explodes This robot and lady enter the start shooting these people ah And there's a family under the table they're like hiding and they have a child and um And it cuts to a discussion between this lady who is enter with the robot talking you're superior and all the world is dying infant sterilization and As long as you like You're allowed to have children if you work for this company and it's ah that's how you he says opportunity to earn it back through service um And she wants to have children
01:06:11
Speaker
So we cut back in this, you know, they obviously don't want to, they don't want to lose their child. Um, and the mom, the mom here, like what the fuck happened? She like used some Jedi mind trick shit. that's what i' have laid done You're going to let us go. Um, and because this woman who's with the robot, like wants to become her own, she's having like an issue with killing the child.
01:06:40
Speaker
So the robot just does it for her and like fucking murders them, detaches the fucking baby's head from its body. And they say that it's called people who have children have parapsychic activity or telekinesis. And the robot scoops out the mother's insides to i get this gene so they could like breed like the perfect human or whatever.
01:07:06
Speaker
ah And then this man all of a sudden appears who I guess is talking for the, like who is like controlling the robot. right And he starts talking and then like he sniffs this, our main character lady.
01:07:22
Speaker
um And we find out that she's been on this active service for 10 years and she's approved to have kids, but she's infertile. She can't have any. ah And I don't really know what the disagreement was about, but he wants to murder children.
01:07:38
Speaker
Yeah, she's not about it. Yeah, and he just kills her. ah And there's ah more shooting you know ensues, another doctor gets shot.
01:07:52
Speaker
ah
01:07:55
Speaker
I don't know what I wrote here, but robot this robot fucking takes the head of the baby. ah And for some reason, the main dude who's controlling the robot, his head explodes.
01:08:08
Speaker
And it says V is for vagitus, which ah means the cry of the newborn baby. Yeah, it's a weird one. If you guys don't know what just happened, I don't know either. Right. That's a really weird one.
01:08:24
Speaker
As is W.
01:08:28
Speaker
oh yeah this is a fucking weird fucking one yeah so w we start animated and there's a demon and a warlock and they have kidnapped a naked woman wendy wendy wow caught her name this naked woman wendy and a they start gutting her with this knife and a knight bursts through the door and tries to save her but the warlock electrocutes him ah then it cuts to the real world and there's the two directors arguing over the creation of the segment
01:09:11
Speaker
ah They have a list of words that start with W that they consider using and the one director mentions a walrus the size of Godzilla destroying a town and the other directors like ah Do you have a town and can you have it done by the end of the weekend and the other guys like not I can't that can happen and So he says, what about a warrior woman who killed trolls? But they don't want to do that either. So he's like, what about W for wheelchair? And there's a guy in a wheelchair who gets pushed off a cliff. Like, no. So, uh, this lady walks into the room and says they need to see this and pulls them into like this conference room and they're watching a news report of clown zombies.
01:10:04
Speaker
And during the news report, they keep seeing the letter W pop up randomly. And they're like, this, this has to be like a thing. Like this isn't a coincidence. So, uh, clown zombies end up coming to the filmmakers building that they're at. And basically like some random acid trip montage happens.
01:10:32
Speaker
where there's like a bunch of like, this guy just keeps repeating the same thing over and over, a bunch of flashes, lights, stuff. A zombie rips a guy's head off and eats a lady's eye out. The the warrior lady that they were talking about earlier ah cuts off the main director's head. ah The walrus is here.
01:10:57
Speaker
For some reason, uh, the director's head end up being thrown and put into the animation from the beginning and it's stabbed by the demon. Uh, and W is for what the fuck. Yeah. What the fuck is right. Yeah. Anything you want to add to that one? No, I didn't like it. No, it's all over.
01:11:28
Speaker
um We'll get to X. I like X. wait X is in my top five. It's all... This lady and a man are waiting for the subway. And there's like a bikini model poster that like keeps popping up throughout this whole segment.
01:11:49
Speaker
I think the subway arrives and they sit next to each other. And the man's piss is like can't believe I got to sit next to a fucking fat girl.
01:12:01
Speaker
um And she's like upset that he said that to her, but it cuts her leaving and these two dudes call her gelatin. And like this is real bullying. ah And like she's not even like that fat.
01:12:18
Speaker
Now, she's pretty fat. You think so? Yeah, she's fat. OK. Never mind. I would bully her, but she's fat. Oh, OK. And they're like, go do something.
01:12:33
Speaker
And then she's walking, and this random guy like screeches in her face. Yeah, it was weird. Random. And then they asked her if she was a Brontosaurus in Jurassic Park.
01:12:46
Speaker
Which, by the way, when they spell that when they said that, I spelled Brontosaurus right in the first try, and I was proud of myself. Good job. um And she's going up the stairs to her apartment now, and these two women are laughing at her and telling her to lay off the peanut butter. ah And if they looked like her, they wouldn't go outside. And she can't even like climb upstairs. ah She gets home.
01:13:11
Speaker
And she's eating some nasty ass shit. What the fuck was it? I don't know. Some French ass food. It's gross. Cabbage in a jar. Gelatin esque. It looks like the scene from ah I think it saw three with the pigs. Oh, mm hmm. It's gnarly. And.
01:13:35
Speaker
the skinny ad starts playing on tv for the same bikini mouth from before and she gets naked still covered in like all sorts of shit uh throws it up And then she looks at this knife and she starts cutting like parts of her gut and her cheek off. And she's spitting blood. It's so, i I mean, I was grossed out. It's it's hard to watch. It's gnarly. Yeah. ah She sits in the toilet and she stabs herself repeatedly in the thigh.
01:14:06
Speaker
And then when she gets up you see a huge fucking gash in her leg. um
01:14:14
Speaker
The next part, I just wrote no in big capital letters. ah She gets in the shower and pulls out an electric serrated knife. Like when' to plugin like a of a turkey or something.
01:14:26
Speaker
And ah and like she grabs like her fucking dangle by her like arm and she was to cut it and I was like, no, no, this is not happening. Uh, she cuts her arm and it fades to black and she gets out of the shower and she's cut all the fat off her body. Yeah, she's like a skeleton. Like she looks like she looks like the animatronic from Terrifier 2. That's exactly what I have written down. Yeah.
01:14:56
Speaker
Uh, the floor is covered in like bloody water. Uh, and she falls to the ground cause she's probably fucking dead. I lost so much blood.
01:15:07
Speaker
and Fat and I don't mean just so much ah X is for XXL. This is one of the grossest scenes in a movie. I've seen in a long time Yeah, it's not the hyperbolic, but it's pretty gnarly. It's gnarly. It's great Yeah, like I said to my top five. Yeah. Yeah, like you said it's straight out of Terrifier type shit. Yeah
01:15:30
Speaker
ah Real bullying. Real bullying, for sure. Fuck that bridge to Terabithia shit. s Nope. Fuck that bridge to Terabithia shit. This is a real bullying. So this one's odd. Why? We start at a middle school and there's kids entering and... I want to ask you, this is, uh, it says Hopetown Junior High. Is this the same Hopetown from Hopetown, New Jersey from, uh, Friday the 13th? Sure seems like it, huh?
01:16:00
Speaker
i Who knows we got serial killers and pedophiles. Alright, so Like I said, we started middle school and kids are entering and we cut to like a creepy dude and a kid hunting with bow and arrows and He ah shoots the deer but the whole time this creepy dudes just staring at this kid like eyes wide like smiling at him and and ah It cuts to a janitor which we find out is the creepy guy. He's scaring it all he's He's staring at all the kids playing basketball and he yeah he looks to his left and he briefly sees like a deer creature staring at him kind of looks like a wendigo type John and All the kids eventually like the bell rings and everybody leaves ah so he walks into the gym and
01:16:54
Speaker
Starts licking the bench where all the kids sweat all over the place like It's a very sweaty segment here. That's really disgusting almost too much sweat. I would say who's sweating this much I don't know. Oh, no. People who work out probably. Yeah. So cut back to the ah previous flashback of the boy and the man hunting again and the man cuts the deer's head off and rubs the button and rubs the blood on the boy's face. And the old guy then proceeds to pull down his pants.
01:17:30
Speaker
He's going to molest that kid. Yeah, he's going to fucking rape that kid. And it's cutting back and forth now to the boy wearing his basketball uniform all bloody. And we see a shot of the arrow flying through the sky. And then we find out that the deer monster is actually the boy holding the deer head. And he rams the antlers into the creepy guy's eyes and like rips up with the deer head and decapitates this guy and the head goes flying and goes through the basketball hoop. I actually like that. Yeah, it was a good touch. Uh, and the boy proceeds to put the deer head on like a mask and we're led to assume that the boy rapes the guy's head because he, we briefly see like his shorts start coming down a little bit.
01:18:21
Speaker
And why I didn't I didn't see that. Yeah. Yeah. It's really quick, but they're not going to show a kid like taking his pants off. So no, it shouldn't do that. Nope. So why is for young buck? Get it. Got it. Good. We've reached the the last letter and only G did they go out with a bang. All right. So it's this lady in Japan. I'm getting all the Japanese ones, it seems. Uh,
01:18:52
Speaker
Let's talk about March 11th. Radioactivity covered our shitty country. um We cut the three naked men eating so making sushi. Not eating, makings. They're naked and they're making sushi. And she's got a gun to their head.
01:19:09
Speaker
ah we It cuts back and forth to other part where this man in a wheelchair is staying with another guy. And he's saying you know Japanese products and nuclear energy are safe.
01:19:23
Speaker
Talking about like a new age of mutants This lady I guess is sick of their Sushi production and shoots them in the heads like one bullet goes through all their heads like across Also, she's now wearing a Nazi cap so she's a Nazi Then like her the Nazi Symbol on her hat like changes into like a cross with like lines around it ah And it cuts this cop lady investigating the building and finds this but she finds the dead bodies ah With sushi stuffed in their mouths and what the fuck was on top of them like it looked like a face hugger. Yeah some kind of Crab looking thing
01:20:17
Speaker
ah And the cop this pisses me off a lot of movies do this slips and falls and blood right be careful. Just be careful careful, dude um Back the man in wheelchair he claims that ah their technology is so simple even inferior countries can use it ah And I mean There's a naked lady skipping a lot of tits and And, uh, she, this other lady has like a skirt on and her tits out, but has a massive fake dick. Like massive, like size of like a... I mean, it's my torso. It's so big. And that, that wide too. Uh, and she's trying to like give it to this lady cop, uh, but she don't want it. And then a blade comes out of the tip of the dick. And this, this poor girl gets fucked with it.
01:21:17
Speaker
like literally fucked it. And it sounds like a chainsaw.
01:21:26
Speaker
um And it cuts to this cop that was, you know, but from before and she's got like bugs all around her and like half her body's like scarred and she's now naked. And they, she like sends these bugs on this lady with the big ass fake knife dick.
01:21:46
Speaker
and there's a fight scene, and she literally pulls the blade. Oh, that doesn't happen yet. So she's trying to kill this cop with fucking, she's trying to maiwap her with her fucking cock knife, essentially. So instead of any other regular fighting method, the cop decides to try to shoot a carrot, an onion, and a potato out of her pussy. And, and,
01:22:15
Speaker
The lady, the biggest cock knife is like cutting into pieces like Fruit Ninja. Yeah, little i I wrote that down, Fruit Ninja. ah And the cop pulls out the cop just pulls the blade out of the out of the dick, yeah which why do you think that earlier? Right. And it cuts the tip off and this cock is bleeding for all rice. So she's dying. ah The cop makes out with her.
01:22:42
Speaker
ah She's tongue in her down and she rubs like this rice porridge looking stuff on her tits And then there's like a montage there's a lady that has I mean, this is fucking crazy She has on one breast the Twin Towers and another breast an airplane and she's like jiggling her tits um Then there's like these dudes that have like dick rockets and like they blast they're just I don't know I And then the man in the wheelchair, he gets a boner. And, uh, that's like the emperor. He's like, my emperor is standing. And, uh, rice covers the screen. Z is for, uh, Zetsu Mezu, I think is how you pronounce it. And that means extinction, which after watching that, I think the human race should go extinct. Uh, yeah, ah very Japanese. so
01:23:40
Speaker
I don't know what the fuck I just watched. No. So those are ABCs of death. Those are all of them. Well, for now. Part two, baby. I'm so down, so down. It can't get worse.
01:24:01
Speaker
What do you mean it can't get worse? It can get worse. No, I don't think so. You know, it can always get worse. I think it's getting better. Is anything gonna get worse than Z? I don't know, but it can definitely get worse. Most franchises just get worse. That's true. ah So what are your top fives?
01:24:21
Speaker
In no particular order. Well, no, it's in order. ah My number five is C for cycle. My number four is M for miscarriage.
01:24:37
Speaker
I think our top three might be the same, but we'll find out. Number three, L for libido. Number two, X for XXL. And my favorite is still T for toilet. Okay. So number five for me is J for that Japanese word. Oh, the the Jedi Geki Jedi Geki. Yeah that one with the Japanese guy making the faces. That's number five Number four is Q for quack. Oh Wow, you really like that one. Oh, yeah, it's funny ah Number three is X for XXL Number two is L for libido and Number one is T for toilet. Fuck. Yeah
01:25:34
Speaker
just swap two of them, but basically the same. Yeah. Um, I'll let you say your rating first cause mine's going to hurt your feelings. I don't know if it's going to hurt my feelings. We might have the same, you might be lower. Um, no, we're not, we're definitely not going to have the same rating. You don't think so? There's no way. If we, if we have the same rating, I'll review Serbian film. Really? I swear to God, there's absolutely no way we have the same rating. Okay. Do you want me to write it down first so you know I don't change my answer? Yeah.
01:26:02
Speaker
All right, I'll do it on my phone because I'm a pen. Okay, it's written. Okay, so given that these top five are really only the good ones. Yeah, a couple of them are okay. ah I'm giving it a one and a half star. Fuck you. What? i What was yours you cut out? 1.5.
01:26:29
Speaker
hey Hey We have the same reading guys you really gonna give it a 1.5. Yeah, why oh, I thought mine was for sure gonna hurt your feelings No, it's not a great movie. We sucks fucking ass, but you got 26 letters and only five of them are even worth a damn No, there's a couple others. that I like yeah, they're like good mid All right. Well that actually this episode concludes our Halloween ah bonus episode month we hope you guys enjoyed i wouldn't say we killed ourselves but we put in the work to make sure this would happen yeah a lot of schedule changes but you know life happens but we make sure we can get every possible episode out to you guys
01:27:15
Speaker
And you're probably thinking, oh, they're horrid out. No, we're fucking not. Never. ah Because next week, ah we're back we're back to just Tuesday episodes for now. ah Next week, a movie you've been asking to review, um I don't know, since before the podcast started, Long Legs. Fuck yeah. ah So stay tuned for that.
01:27:38
Speaker
And, uh, let us know, you know, the next two weeks are, are open. So if you have your suggestions, please email us. Yeah. Send us an email, not chat GPT generated. Uh, send us an email DMS on Instagram. Uh, if you have our personal numbers, text us. Um, yeah, for the plugs, speaking of that, follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod. We post, uh,
01:28:06
Speaker
whenever anything's going live. ah We posted the polls, the clips, I feel are your number one reason to go because those are funny. We try. Follow up, you know, any comments, concerns, questions, requests to guys one screen pod at gmail dot.com and our letterbox are also linked in the description. Yeah. Follow that shit. Tell your friends. Tell you. Well, maybe i don't tell your family. I wouldn't like to my mom about this, but Uh, you know, you know, whatever anybody you think they would want to listen to a movie podcast, uh, until next time, we will see you guys next week. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.