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Ep 134: Invasion USA (Schlock & Load)
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Our next installment of Schlock & Load features maybe the only GOOD Chuck Norris movie, Joseph Zito's INVASION USA from Cannon Films. Norris is a mostly silent former special ops agent that is pulled into a fight against terrorists that are trying to use America's racism and social tensions to take it down from the inside. This flick features the actual destruction of an entire, real neighborhood in Georgia.
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Transcript
Introduction & Hosts
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back.
00:00:05
Speaker
God damn it. This is a professional podcast. I need both of you to pull your fucking selves together and act like it. Welcome back. And this week, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Jack.
00:00:21
Speaker
This is bad movies. Where's people?
Chuck Norris & 'Invasion USA' Overview
00:01:00
Speaker
Welcome back. And my my intro wasn't just me being random. By the way, this is what we're talking about. It's on the screen here. Chuck Norris. It's our schlock and load episode for March.
00:01:12
Speaker
Invasion USA with Chuckie Knorr. But he's kind of Jason Voorhees in this movie. And that's why I did my intro. Okay, we've talked about before how like I kind of grew up watching Chuck Norris movies and then we watched them as adults. I did not like them.
00:01:27
Speaker
Yeah. And it's like I don't get the hype about Chuck Norris movies. This one brings it back and it's not because of him, but this movie is why people like Chuck Norris movies. Yeah, no, he's fucking terrible.
00:01:39
Speaker
He's terrible and like yes, he's doing the Jason Voorhees thing so it works. I'm just a cold calculated killer named Hunter. It's time to die. Now you see me. Now you don't. we'll Talk about Chekhov's disappearing act.
00:01:52
Speaker
and That's what I mean. I don't just mean like his his blandness of being Jason Voorhees. I mean like he just appears where people are. and like, i mean, we'll get to it. But that final fight scene with him and Richard Lynch is just like, okay's he's there and
Richard Lynch's Tragic Backstory
00:02:08
Speaker
then he's gone. yeah There's something I'd like to ask before we get started so I know if I'm being an asshole or not. Can I answer it?
00:02:15
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Ask it. Was this dude with fire? Yes, because I asked the same question. oh yeah What happened was he had a really bad LSD trip and set himself on fire back in the 60s. Oh, man. After massive reconstructive surgery, he finally felt good enough to be coming back on screen.
00:02:34
Speaker
Well, so I didn't make a joke because i was going to say something terrible along the lines of, is he doing a fire Marsha Bill movie? Yeah, same. But I'm not going to say that. So I think he was a stage actor before the fire.
00:02:47
Speaker
i think he's like, that's why. I read an article about it, and from what I saw in that, he's his first movie acting role was in the 70s, and the fire was in like 1967.
00:03:00
Speaker
But he was a stage actor before that. Yeah. Okay. But that guy, Richard Lynch, has been on the podcast before. Yes. Not with either of you guys, but Whitney knows about it because she's watched it with me. He's Savage Dawn with Lance Henriksen and William Forsyth.
00:03:14
Speaker
Because I remembered asking him that question and he told me that then, but he forgot. And so he had to look it up again. And then now I remembered it. Yeah. And I got the whole story this time because I at first i was like, oh, this guy looks like he was in a fire. And then like the next scene, I'm like, oh, no, no. He looks like he was in a fire.
00:03:28
Speaker
Like his whole neck right here ah has all of it. And it's like lack of lips. And I'm not trying to be a dickhead, like when there's a look. And I feel a lot better that he burnt himself instead of something tragic like saving puppies in an orphanage or something. Yes. At least it was just a bad LSD trip.
00:03:44
Speaker
Or a good one. what You know what? he wasn't He still didn't go against LSD. He appeared in a documentary with Timothy Leary like a couple years after surgery. Oh, really?
00:03:55
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. um But he has... that way um We'll just talk about him real quick because we're talking about him. So Richard Lynch, he's playing Rostov in this movie, Mikhail Rostov, unless you're watching the German version, in which he's
Film's Historical Inaccuracies & Action Style
00:04:08
Speaker
playing Michael Hames, an American terrorist.
00:04:11
Speaker
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Because obviously they're redubbing it, so they they don't give him a Russian accent and everything, but it was still during you know the two sides of Germany. Okay.
00:04:21
Speaker
okay they Half of it had certain relations with Russia, and and so they just made him American. Look at America killing themselves, although I'm curious to watch that version and find out what they say when he says America hasn't been invaded but a foreign nation. It's 1812.
00:04:40
Speaker
And well, he said in 200, he said almost 200 years. and I mean, I'm sure he's talking about the Revolutionary War, not whatever you're talking about. 1812. When the British came. 1812. Yeah. The British came back to fuck around and find out. But before they found out, they took our capital and they burnt our White House.
00:04:56
Speaker
That's why it's white. Well, this movie was written. today This movie was written by Chuck Norris himself and a guy named James Brunner. So I'm not surprised they don't know about the War of 1812.
00:05:08
Speaker
Yeah, that was the last time we had a foreign occupation on our soil. Because he said 200 years, and this is 85, so I'm going to assume he's talking about like um like you know when we were fighting. Is talking about the Civil War?
00:05:22
Speaker
I don't even know what he's talking about, honestly, because they didn't invade during the Revolutionary War either. They were already here. We were leaving them. who Maybe he's speaking for the Native American people that were here.
00:05:33
Speaker
Ah, there we go. Yeah, that's what he's doing. We're the foreign invaders. Always have been. I'm going to tell you something about this movie that really works for me that's abnormal for a lot of these hero movies.
Cannon Films' Explosive Focus
00:05:48
Speaker
Chuck Norris never has a problem in this movie. He is the boogeyman. Normally you have a hero who's good against the henchmen, but like the main bad guy always gets his goat. You know what I mean? And he needs that one thing, whether it be the hero's journey to find it himself or a magical fucking sword.
00:06:05
Speaker
Usually they need something to get them through. And Chuck Norris just like, Nope, I'm activated. You killed my native American friend. And now I will kill each one of you in a really fun way with no emotion whatsoever.
00:06:17
Speaker
Yeah. There's one part where he's really upset. He's like, everyone I take out, hundreds more pop up. he's He's upset about kids dying. yeah about Yeah. So there's that.
00:06:29
Speaker
that' um so there's I watched ah watched an interview with Joseph Zito, who, by the way, is the director, and we have discussed before. Joseph Zito directed Missing in Action.
00:06:41
Speaker
Oh, okay. Shocker. And we'll be talking about him again because he also directed Friday the 13th, the final chapter, which turned out not to be the final chapter. Weird. And ah he directed Red Scorpion.
00:06:53
Speaker
Oh, is that Dolph? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Because we always confuse that with Red Heat, which is Arnie. Yeah. But ah this is also the last time that Chuck Norris and Joseph Zito worked together.
00:07:06
Speaker
I have a story about that. but Well, go out with the band, dude. It's the swan song. The interview I saw with Joseph Zito, he said differently from this, but what I read online was that Cannon basically went into the editing room and was like, get rid of all this story stuff, all this background, all these character things.
00:07:25
Speaker
Just focus on Chucky Knorr and explosions. Yeah. Kudos to whoever said that, right? Yeah. That might address, though, what you're talking about, about how he didn't have a hero's journey. He didn't have the middle. The beginning of this movie is like, let's get him back into the action.
00:07:40
Speaker
The middle of this movie is Jason Voorhees blowing people up. And then that's also the end of this movie. Yeah. With a low small scale like war. So we have a first act and a final act.
00:07:52
Speaker
Yeah. No, we have a prologue and an act. That's it. When this movie got over, I text our group chat. i was like, that's how you fucking end a movie. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking great. This might be a better ending than The Fly.
00:08:05
Speaker
Yeah. Well, because there's no nothing. Like, it's just like, boom. End. He doesn't get the girl. He doesn't have like a line. He has the line right before the final explosion. Uh-huh.
00:08:17
Speaker
But not a line after. i love this chick, by the way. I just. McGuire. Yeah, dude. Her use. I have some written down over here.
Production Insights & Box Office Performance
00:08:25
Speaker
Her use of names. Like, she's calling people. She's like, this bozo over has been holding me forever. Hey, cowboy. Listen up, shithead. Hey, dingus.
00:08:32
Speaker
This fly boy over here has been up my goat Well, that actually ties into what i had the other story I had about Chuckie Noir and Joseph Zito. Chuck Norris was pushing for Whoopi Goldberg to play the reporter.
00:08:45
Speaker
and i don't like that. I don't hate it, though. i'm playing it in my I'm playing it in my head. Imagine her saying, these bozos have been keeping me here. I can hear her saying, hey, cowboy. yeah Yeah. It would sound more derogatory coming from Whoopi Goldberg than it would from this girl.
00:09:01
Speaker
And it's not a sexual relationship, really. I mean, there's barely flirting when he's like, maybe I'll see you around. Wink. he is I can't wink, so I'll just say wink. Wink. He doesn't wink. His beard does.
00:09:12
Speaker
was good But apparently, like, Joseph Zito overruled him. And so he's like, okay, cool. That's fine. I just won't work with you anymore. Oh, wow.
00:09:23
Speaker
Okay. I mean, it's his petty. I think it's perfect. to So am I. I think it's a perfect minor actor to do a minor role. You know what mean? She's there. She didn't need to add a whole bunch.
00:09:36
Speaker
We are here for squibs, dummies, blowups, fucking car pranks. Like we this don't don't fucking give me movie love. who What is one of your favorite tropes? Least favorite tropes, dude. It's like, hey, I'm a guy. didn't love You're a girl.
00:09:54
Speaker
We've been in this movie for ah about 20 minutes of real time. Let's get married. Let's get married. But ah a little bit, ah one more background thing on the who wrote this. So the writer, James Bruner, wrote some other Chuck Norris movies like Missing an action in Action and Delta Force.
00:10:10
Speaker
But credit for the story goes to Aaron Norris. Yeah, saw that. Who guys might remember as the director of Sidekicks. Yep. And his brother. And, yeah, well, and I mean, Aaron Norris also wrote the story or script for ah Braddock Missing in Action 3, Top Dog, Sons of Thunder, which is apparently a 1999 Chuck Norris TV show that didn't go anywhere. Top Dog is the Texas Ranger.
00:10:37
Speaker
Is Top Dog the one where Chuck Norris has a dog as a cop? Yeah. Yes, where Chuck Norris is hanging out with a dog. I wouldn't go too far. It's his own version of K-9.
00:10:50
Speaker
Turner and Hooch. Yeah. and sir And just based on the things that he does working for Canon, I'm sure it came out about one year after K-9. Uh-huh. I didn't look at the years. Because this movie came out one year after You got a guess?
00:11:07
Speaker
Red Dawn? Yeah. Yeah. makes It makes perfect sense.
Cultural Impact & Action Tropes
00:11:11
Speaker
so So it's like, dude, I like that. This is what I wanted to ask you. Whitney, I have not looked this up. Do you want to play the budget box office game? I have not either. Okay, good. I know it.
00:11:22
Speaker
Of course. So it's canon, which makes me want to say they made it for $5, but I don't think that's right. I'm going to say the budget is 10 million. Wife? ten million wife
00:11:36
Speaker
15. You guys are splitting the difference, but Jack was originally right. The budget was $10 million. And then Menheim Golan, I'm sure I'm saying it wrong, saw some of the dailies of what Joseph Zito was doing, called him, and was like, I'm giving you $2 million more dollars because this is fucking awesome. So it was $12 million okay in the end.
00:11:58
Speaker
And box office, I'm going to go ahead and say $12 million. Five. 17.5. Ooh. Together. Yeah, I mean, with canon, I mean, I don't think they're, you know, usually we're like, well, with promotion and this, they are I don't think they're promoting a lot.
00:12:16
Speaker
They got a trailer. they They put trailers on their own VHS tapes of their other movies, which is free. it's Smart. But it may not have made a lot of money in theaters until 2007. And I meant to look up what took its place, but I forgot to.
00:12:32
Speaker
Until 2007, this was MGM's highest selling home or second highest selling home video behind Gone with the Wind. Oh. Well then. Damn, I can see why. I mean, this is ah this is a popcorn flick. Pop it in, turn your brain off, have a good time.
00:12:47
Speaker
Yeah. I just love that MGM's top two selling home videos were Gone with the Wind and Invasion USA. As if Chuck Norris could be mentioned in the same whisper as that fucking movie.
00:13:00
Speaker
That's too awesome. You guys want to guess how many people died in this movie? Not for real? 127. i ah hundred and twenty seven two hundred and forty Whitney, you were so close. 129. Damn. Now, how many did Chuck Norris kill on screen? 100.
00:13:25
Speaker
11. 30. I mean, there were a few carfuls of people. so That's what I was trying to do i was like, well, we only see him like kind of pull up that Uzi on a couple people. But then it's like, no, he puts the bomb on the thing and he drops the bomb down the other thing. and But real quick, you taught you mentioned...
00:13:42
Speaker
pulling out his Uzi. I've got a question for you. Uh-huh. What the fuck is the point of this? So you can let him go and grab something else and they're still there. They're technically holstered.
00:13:53
Speaker
Absolutely. It looks so silly. I love it. I disagree. I fully disagree, dude. These are slings and I love them. Winnie's 100% right because you can drop one and you know punch, punch, punch somebody if you want to, or start a car or eat a snack.
00:14:09
Speaker
And then it's right there instead of, oh wait, I want to get a fruit roll up. Let me put this away. Oh, great. Now my hands all sticky. Put it under my arm. I just love that you're like you can put down one and get a snack. Yeah. Wait, so you're steve's still just holding the other. Hey, guess what would have fucking helped out John Travolta when he was taking a shit in Pulp Fiction?
00:14:30
Speaker
If he had a slinging Uzi. Our movie starts with some Cuban refugees, presumably, coming over on a ship. And Whitney was like, did they really just stick these people on a ship for like a week? Because they look like they've been out there. Yeah. They're method ah supporting actors.
00:14:47
Speaker
The Coast Guard comes to the rescue. Look, Americans. And we have Richard Lynch as the captain. And that smile says you're going to survive. Yeah. Two minutes. Right. Yeah. do If that smile says welcome to America, i'm like we got to go anywhere else. I don't care where we just came from.
00:15:05
Speaker
This is not the land of ah for us. yeah li theto us that this And I think something like that. I think we're getting a look at our our current nation's new foreign policy.
00:15:17
Speaker
i think. Yeah. Because, man, they are off they mow them down and just decimate women, children, everybody. Everybody. And Richard Lynch, we talked a little bit about, but he's in a bunch of other movies. As I said, Savage Dawn.
00:15:30
Speaker
Some of the ones I recognized, God Told Me To, Death Sport, The Sword and the Sorcerer. ah He was in the Rob Zombie Halloween 2 and Lords of Salem. i don't But he passed away in 2012. I don't think I've seen rests yeah rest in pictures i don't think i've seen any of his movies that you just said.
00:15:48
Speaker
No, but it's it's kind of surprising because like Rob Zombie liked to bring back his favorite B-movie actors. you know He had Karen Black and he had Sid Haig and ah Bill Moseley and all those guys. But like I'm surprised because a lot of the stuff Richard Lynch did wasn't necessarily horror.
00:16:04
Speaker
It was a lot of stuff like this. v So I was like, oh, cool. Rob Zombie watched something besides horror. he's got ah He's got a face for espionage. I mean, he does do horror. He also was in a movie that I took note of because we need to watch it. Maybe not for the show, but we need to watch it.
00:16:19
Speaker
It's called Stunts. And it's about a stunt driver whose brother is also a stunt driver and is killed in an accident. And he has to investigate. And as I was looking it up, the trailer was playing at the top of IMDb and it was just car crash after car crash. And I was like, all right.
00:16:36
Speaker
All right Well, watch that and stunt rock. I have stunt rock on Blu-ray. Of course you do.
00:16:43
Speaker
But yes, Benvenidos Estados Unidos or whatever he says. She said it better That's actually what the name of the movie was going to be.
00:16:53
Speaker
that a for realsies? is It is a for realsies. Because I was like, was it supposed to be called It's a Time to Die?
Character Analysis & Narrative Choices
00:16:58
Speaker
Because they say it five different times. Did you? Really? I looked it up. Yes.
00:17:04
Speaker
Benvenidos Estados Unidos. youtado i Let Whitney say it. Well, I think he says it wrong, so I'm trying to say it what he said.
00:17:15
Speaker
um Remember, this is written by Chuck Norris. Well, okay, he is a Carlos. yeah But I think he abandoned that heritage. Oh, yeah. So... Anyway, yeah, Blamo kills all these people.
00:17:27
Speaker
We also meet his right hand man, Nico, played by a guy named Alexander Zale, who plays a doctor in Showgirls. And I didn't recognize that more recently than I have. so I didn't recognize anything else, though.
00:17:39
Speaker
So, yeah, not familiar to me. I don't watch Showgirls nearly as often as you do. I've only watched it twice in the last two years. Jesus Christ. That's two more times than me.
00:17:50
Speaker
That's not bad. Female bleep will say that it's not enough.
00:17:55
Speaker
Mrs. Bleep. Yeah. But they're they're ah they're killing these people. Yeah. They're killing these people because there's a bunch of drugs hidden here. And you think, oh, it's going to be a drug movie.
00:18:06
Speaker
It's not a drug movie. No, it's not. It's not a drug movie. But the drugs, the drugs are kind of important. ah Yeah. For part of it. I thought we were also going to get a backstory. And i I know you said that was cut. And I think that's a good call.
00:18:19
Speaker
But I kept waiting for a backstory of Chuck Norris and ah Rostov working together. and Like he became a double agent. Well, we got a little bit of backstory on that because we got ah Rostov's nightmare.
00:18:31
Speaker
The tiniest. you know Or or he's talking Adams is talking to Chuck Norris about coming back to the fold or whatever. He's like, yeah, you should have let me kill him. Sorry, you got blanked out by the Internet, so I had to.
00:18:43
Speaker
Oh, repeat. you but Yeah. You should let me kill him. He's your problem now. And then we get that because like he was going to kill him. And then he's there like, no, you got to bring him in presumably. But then we cut to Chucky Noir driving on a swamp boat. This is where my notes start. It just says shirtless fan boat.
00:19:02
Speaker
I want to do this so bad. um I growing up watching a lot of stuff like this, I thought for sure my life was going to have more to do with um fan boats and houses on lakes and rivers.
00:19:13
Speaker
Let's move to Florida. no How dare you? um chair I have been on one of these fan boats. It was for like a tour thing. So it wasn't nearly as exciting because they didn't go. They did. They did crank up the speed a bit for us, but they they couldn't go this fast. You know, right. There's a lot of rules and stuff about that. Now, our guys were not following said rules.
00:19:32
Speaker
This was shortly after a dude had been like eaten by an alligator because he was feeding them. You know, they were feeding. They chum the water for these for these gators. yeah And this guy like put his arm in And this thing just fucking pulled him in So they were not supposed to be Chumming the water so they were like we're not Gonna put any meat in the water And then they opened a cooler and proceeded to throw chicken in the water If anybody asks we did Not put any meat in the water But I do have a fun story about this fan vote.
00:19:59
Speaker
Yeah. on ah It was when I was working on a television show. And so I was there with lipi improvement the crew and the producers and stuff. and One of the producers, everybody was drunk because it was a day off and we were in New Orleans.
00:20:14
Speaker
So but well I could have just stopped at it was a day off. but it was It was New new Orleans.
Chuck Norris's Network & Film Connections
00:20:19
Speaker
But we don't have to go the tour. Everybody's hung over from the night before. So they start drinking early. We're out there.
00:20:25
Speaker
She's hammered. Maneuver. She's up walking around on this thing because we get to the point where we stop. ah I don't want to say her name. Well, what was her position? She was the producer. producer a A producer. Associate producer, I think. But she gets up and she's walking around because we're where we're stopped. And these gators are all around the boat because they've been throwing the meat out there and everything. And she goes, takes a step and kind of like drunk stumbles and like kind of starts to tilt and fall towards the water.
00:20:52
Speaker
Dude, one of these things, not a a moment's hesitation, just sits up and opens its fucking maw. It's like, well. It's like the crock and hook. It's like.
00:21:05
Speaker
Exactly. It was literally just it just set up. It was just like. Who we found out, according to Derek, is a pirate.
00:21:14
Speaker
Look, he's a pirate, all right? I don't remember which episode that was, but i was listening back and I was like, what the fuck are we talking about? Fucking pirate crocodiles? Everybody in Never Never Land is a pirate. If anything, they should be investigators.
00:21:29
Speaker
Skeleton crew. I think it was skeleton crew. Okay. Investigators. Oh, no. If they're going to be anything. We just started a new cartoon, dude.
00:21:42
Speaker
Copyright trademark. Investigators. Hey, do me favor. Print this onto like a DVD and mail it to me and I won't open it.
00:21:52
Speaker
There's a couple little scenes with Chuck Norris that pretty much just sets up what he's doing. He's riding a swamp boat. He's a gator wrestling. And he's hanging out with this guy, John Eagle. Yeah. Eagle John. No, John Eagle.
00:22:04
Speaker
I thought it was Eagle John. Oh, John Eagle. A guy named Del Birdie, who the only movie I recognized, I didn't recognize him from it, but I remember his character. It's a movie called Wolfen, which was a very good 80s werewolf movie.
00:22:16
Speaker
Low budget. But he plays, um not surprisingly, like a Native American... Guy that's knows about the werewolves. So, yeah, you know, most of his other roles I saw looking through were like, you know, native native guide and things like that. so Yeah. Elder one and and what have you.
00:22:34
Speaker
So that's pretty much what's going on Chuckie Knorr. Meanwhile, we meet the FBI who's cold on the trail of Rostov. We have this guy Cassidy, who's the head of the FBI, played by a guy named Eddie Jones, who also has passed away. Oh, 2019. Oh, man. Not too long ago.
00:22:52
Speaker
Yeah, I recognized him from one episode of Cheers, a later episode where he's trying to get Miss Rebecca to quit smoking. So he dumps like a bucket cigarettes on the table. He's also in the Rocketeer sneakers and the Terminal.
00:23:06
Speaker
Oh, I don't recognize him for the Terminal. Rocketeers makes sense. He's probably a journalist. Yeah. And the most important thing he's in is Chud.
00:23:18
Speaker
Crickets. Crickets. Still haven't watched it. The chief of police, I believe. But we got to get to Chud. This guy. yeah And we also meet. Dude, it is a fucking. If we don't, if we don't watch Chud, we're not going to understand half of the shit that he says.
00:23:32
Speaker
Okay. Just in general. Yeah. and on the war on the podcast Life is what I was referring to. We can do it and we can play a drinking game when every time, anytime someone yells Bosch, which is the name of the detective, we take a drink and we see who dies before the end of the going to say, are we going to die? This sounds like a die thing.
00:23:50
Speaker
how I counted once and I want to it was like a hundred. how about we make it a hydrating game? but joing Water. I would die from water. We might. It might be like the when the fraternities started like trying to... like They were like, look, we're not hazing. We're not using alcohol. We're making them drink water. And then kids were dying anyway.
Satire of Cultural Themes
00:24:09
Speaker
it Turns out, just shouldn't haze.
00:24:12
Speaker
And we also meet Maguire, who's played by ah Melissa Prophet, who was in Casino. She played Joe Pesci's wife. Oh, yeah. She got the diamonds in her hair.
00:24:23
Speaker
Yeah, and she's one of the one of the Italians from Goodfellas. Also like the the women who are just, you know, yelling all the time. And she's an action Jackson as an as a newscaster, I believe also.
00:24:36
Speaker
So we'll talk about that. Oh, yeah. We'll see you soon.
00:24:41
Speaker
so newscast. She got a promotion lovely from a newspaper reporter. Yeah. Yeah. Good for her. Working for a cooler director in that movie, though. Who's that director?
00:24:52
Speaker
That is ah Craig R. Baxley. Oh, I know that name. ah Yeah. ah Dark Angel and Stone Cold. Stone Cold. I don't know why I couldn't think of the name of two coolest movies we've watched in the past year, but.
00:25:05
Speaker
Not wrong.
00:25:08
Speaker
Not wrong. But I do like her quick little thing, though, because she was there taking pictures and they're like, how did you get here before the police? She's like, because I drive faster. This is where she first starts. like These bozos over here have been holding me for an hour now. See?
00:25:20
Speaker
I love it. I want more nicknames from her. very pretty. She is. She's no whoopee. And we have this boat boat full of dead people that they stripped down, too, which is pretty fucked up. these are the people. Well, it's because they killed the Coast Guards to take their boat so they could all people. thought maybe they just moved all the people off the other boat and threw them in there as message.
00:25:40
Speaker
No. yeah Yeah. This is the Coast Guard. All right. They took their uniforms. Derek's way is really weird, though. It's like, all right, move him onto that boat, but first, strip him down.
00:25:51
Speaker
That's what I thought, and that's why i was like, all right, guys. Whatever you, I mean, I heard this guy burn himself doing acid, so it makes sense. You're not just a bad guy. You're a weird guy, too, aren't you? I love that I'm the one that understood.
00:26:05
Speaker
yeah and then we have Rostov meeting up with this guy, Mickey, ah played by Billy Drago, who you guys might recognize. Whitney does. I definitely know from the Untouchables.
00:26:17
Speaker
He was uncharmed. Yeah. Last time we I watched this, like she was there for most of it, I think. And she was like, oh hey, that's... He's like a warlock. sand He's like the time. what she said his name or whatever he was. And I was like, I don't know what
Richard Lynch as a Villain
00:26:33
Speaker
that means. She's like, from Charmed. Duh.
00:26:35
Speaker
He looks like he is in charge or ah dabbles in time travel, but not for good reasons. Yeah. Like there's no, and he wasn ever played a good guy. No. ah No, because he was in The Untouchables.
00:26:47
Speaker
um he's He's in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. He played Papa Jupiter, so not great there. i mean, he did play a one episode of Good Guy and Charmed. He was like a good warlock and then became a bad warlock.
00:26:59
Speaker
Well, when you see him and they introduce him as a good guy, you're like, well, he's turning bad. Well, he was previously bad and then was good and then was bad Oh, actually, I forgot. I do have a photo of this guy.
00:27:10
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Look at that, dude. Cocaine eyes. Yeah, that is a bad guy face if I've ever seen one. Uh huh. I think I did. I had drug schemes with this guy. He's not just like undressing you with his eyes. He's sizing up what what size ball gag you wear.
00:27:27
Speaker
yeah He's also in a movie I haven't seen, but he's in a movie with Cynthia Rothrock called Lady Dragon 2. Dude, speaking of Cynthia Rothrock, Derek is so upset he missed out on something.
00:27:41
Speaker
Oh, yeah. did If you guys knew this and didn't tell me, I'm going to be even more upset. Neither of us knew this. Two years ago, like in the fall 2023, little more than year so a little ah little more than a year ago Cynthia Rothrock, Don the Dragon Wilson, Patrick Kilpatrick,
00:27:57
Speaker
ah and a few other people that whose names you would probably recognize and then a bunch you wouldn't, made a movie in Mezcal. Down here at the same set where they filmed Quick and the Dead. It's literally called the Mezcal movie set.
00:28:13
Speaker
Yeah. They made a movie there called Black Creek, and there was even a Kickstarter thing for it. And depending on your donation level, you could fucking go to the set and meet everybody.
00:28:24
Speaker
If you donated $800, you could have dinner with Cynthia Rothrock. ah Whitney, you guys would not be driving that nice car you are
Fan Interactions & Behind-the-Scenes Trivia
00:28:32
Speaker
now. I'll tell you that much. Derek would be having dinner with Cynthia Rothrock.
00:28:36
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, we bought that car in 21. Yeah, we already had it. So I already couldn't afford the $800, but I would have found a way. I got to move around some funds. Whitney's like, oh, wow, you got motivated to sell off some of your old board games that you're not playing. And I'm like, yeah, no reason.
00:28:52
Speaker
Derek sells so much plasma. He goes to the dinner just lightheaded. love it. Movie queen. Ninja kick. who ah We gotta take a little winker.
00:29:04
Speaker
wheres it listen i need a banana. Wake me up with the bananas. Get here. I'll be reinvigorated. yeah Yes, I'm very upset about it. but I would be too if I was you. I'm not upset about it now.
00:29:17
Speaker
Don the Dragon Wilson was there. Sure, I'm not having dinner with him. patrick Mostly because he won't return my calls. I would like to go drinking with Patrick Kilpatrick. Why can't I picture this fucker? Hold He was in... Well, he's in Remo Williams, as she didn't watch. Yeah.
00:29:33
Speaker
Arizona Beer House. 33 taps. 800 plus cans and bottles. You can do it for here. You can do it to go. You can do whatever you want. Except that. That's right, Arizona Beer House at 150 South Colb in Tucson, Arizona.
00:29:47
Speaker
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, and every other day of the week. Open 11 a.m. to midnight. We're going to save the whole camp, but you're really going the tip. I need the tip. Hey, guys, I don't want to sound needy here. I'm needy.
00:30:00
Speaker
But we have a Patreon at patreon.com slash first people. Mm-hmm. And it only costs $3 a month. $3 a month is nothing. And I know times are hard right now. Real hard for me. Inflation's up.
00:30:11
Speaker
You can't afford your groceries. Can't eat. But you can't afford $3 a month if you love us. Give us $3. Super love us. Please love us. we're not We're not begging. I'm begging. We're not pleading. I'm pleading.
00:30:23
Speaker
We're not down on our knees. Oh, boy. I mean. My knees hurt. They've been on it on so long. But we do kind of need the money. I need the money bad. We need new equipment. new equipment.
00:30:35
Speaker
We need to do remote podcasts for all of you. wouldn't mind eating. We need to have video. wouldn't mind eating. ah We need more drinks. Food sounds good. So please check out patreon.com slash worst people. Please check us out.
00:30:49
Speaker
You get a bonus episode every month and we're going more content coming for you. I'll send you pictures. ah Thank you guys. Thank you so much. Please give me patreon.com. I'm being held hostage here slash worst people. I don't pay my way out of here. They're going to kill me.
Memorable Action Scenes & Humor
00:31:03
Speaker
They're basically they're there to do a drug deal, kind of. um It's a deal. Billy Drago is there to do a drug deal. But why is he acting creepy at the end of it? Like, you were asking for it.
00:31:14
Speaker
I love this whole scene because they clearly don't trust each other. And, like, Drago, who has that creepy face I just showed you guys, and Lynch, who also has a creepy face.
00:31:26
Speaker
There's barely a set of lips between them. Are just... who What the fuck? They are just staring each other down the entire time. Like, this guy makes a phone call.
00:31:37
Speaker
He gets up out of his chair. he does does he does i so they They do not break eye contact the entire time. And I'm like... Something happened. Somebody hit somebody. This scene coming up, though? First off, this chick it does not know how to snort drugs. well that's You know what, Whitney?
00:31:57
Speaker
That's an okay thing to be bad at. They went in her nose. I think she did it. I mean, if you had a pile like that, I probably would... Oh, if I had a pile. You motorboat it.
00:32:09
Speaker
murder rumstein But if she was motorboating it, then we couldn't get this scene but where he's like, ivan or I said Ivan Drago. really Hold on. It goes from a pile to her snorting it to...
00:32:21
Speaker
three lines yeah because she snorted most of the pile and then broke up the oh did you want some too here i saved you these three little lines snorted it out into three lines yeah there was no razor blade no no razor blade involved she sniffed everything around it to form three lines i can't think of a more efficient way to get three lines and sniff around these three lines that's the best way to do this right okay i've thought about it forever and ever because my brain won't stop working ah I'm dead and I'm still thinking about it. note here, just so I made sure we brought it up and I thought you would, just says Coke knows.
00:32:53
Speaker
you know like We have to talk about this, dude. This is, it gives me cringe thinking about it, but it's also like Batman, ah the Joker. what is Yeah, it's the pencil.
00:33:04
Speaker
We make this pencil disappear. We make this Coke straw disappear. Because, yeah, it's like, the pleasure it's been a pleasure working with you and Richard Lynch. The pleasure's all mine. Fucking bats this chick's heads the head down, and that thing goes right up her nose. And there's blood on the table. Like, the people making this were paying attention. Yeah.
00:33:22
Speaker
And he shoots ah Billy Drago in the dick. And then kicks this chick or throws this chick out the fucking window. And leave leaves the drugs and runs. i just He's not there for drugs. He's there no because we didn't mention the phone. Yeah, the phone call was there's people somewhere else that are exchanging the money once he has the drugs. Right. No, it's not money. It was weapons.
00:33:43
Speaker
Oh, this guy this guy was giving him because that's why he's on the phone. He's like, all right, the Coke is here. Cool. Get the greaseball on the phone. Greaseball is Nico. Like, i'm I'm not calling that. This guy but was using that term.
00:33:55
Speaker
crazy and yeah he's like all right cool they have this stuff we have this stuff cool we're good that's when and then yeah he uses a woman to break his fall out of the window and then and i love that desk clerk yeah he goes back in he's like what the fuck happened here look at all these dead people look at that large bag of well huh speaking of nobody's looking mark we're retiring i don't want to work here anymore bag of drugs And it's not just like that gallon Ziploc bag. Like there's a there's a doctor's bag. Yeah. Doctors. We just either had giant ass bag of Coke that we were talking about. Was it nothing but trouble?
00:34:33
Speaker
Yes. Yes. Yeah. Where is it? like those roadside bags that are yeah that are full of sand. It's that. okay ah And then we have this guy Adams who's sneaking into Chuck Norris's house, which is probably not a good idea. Adams played by Martin Shakar.
00:34:52
Speaker
Only thing I know him from a Saturday Night Fever. got one of the friends, but. Thank you, by the way, for not putting up a picture of nothing but trouble when I said it. So thank you for moving on. i erased it off of the thing so I could make room for today's pictures.
00:35:06
Speaker
This is the best movie brought it up and I was like, oh, Jack. I would rather see that. that's like I think that's what Cobra Commander looks like under that mask. You know what i didn't erase? ah Why would you ever erase that?
00:35:21
Speaker
um But so, yeah, he sneaks into Chuck Norris's house. but Of course, Chuck Norris gets the drop on him and he's like, hey, the company needs you back. That's what we talked about earlier. He's like, well, you guys lost your ch lost your chance. It's your fucking problem now. yeah But he's got this cute fucking armadillo as a pet. In the note, armadillo pet for the win, dude. Armadillo pet for the fucking win. This thing is um so cute.
00:35:44
Speaker
Yeah. Dumping it's a bowl of milk over. Yeah. And it's sitting here like scratching around trying to like, like a dog or a cat. Like I didn't know they did that too. Yeah. It's like scritch, scritch, scritch. I'm going lay here now.
00:35:55
Speaker
This thing is fucking adorable. A little bit derpy. And I want one. I definitely want one. Very derpy. I think falling off the stairs later. So, you know, it's not dead. Could you imagine Candy playing with him?
00:36:06
Speaker
I just rolled into a ball. Anytime she comes around, she's just kicking the ball around. Yeah. Shaggy would probably hurt him. I had a thought just now, though, about how this is kind of how Vin Diesel and all them play the like, especially Vin Diesel plays these Fast and Furious movies where it's like you can't get over on him.
00:36:25
Speaker
you know what i mean like right let's sneak into his house i saw you sneaking right i'm gonna get in his trunk i was already in my trunk like you just you can't get what you're over on dude i want that someone's like i'm getting in his trunk and they open and he's just laying there you can do it and we can call it fast and uh furious yeah the fast and the furriest because he is the furriest and then he can do furry road But we get that flashback we were talking about with Rostov going to shoot a fucking rocket launcher into this house to take out this ambassador, which is pretty cool. Pretty cool.
00:36:58
Speaker
And I thought for a second he was going to take out one of the guards with it because he's waiting. I'm like, dude, if you fucking face this guy with a rocket, that's going to be awesome. he's gonna He's trying to line it all up. So the both the guards are like this, and then the ambassador's all behind him. just And Whitney was saying that she thought that this was the same house from MIA. Missing in Action.
00:37:21
Speaker
the the The mansion that he's like sneaking in and out of. When he crawls up the wall. Oh, that that easily could be. And I think I'm going to I'm pulling it up here real quick. is This was filmed in Georgia and Florida, and that was filmed in the Philippines. But I think in the interview and it is canon.
00:37:37
Speaker
Exactly. and No. OK. In the interview, Joseph Zito had mentioned the Philippines, but none of this was filmed in the Philippines. OK. So it's not but it's very similar. i mean southern ah southern plantation when he wakes up from the dream. He's like dude.
00:37:51
Speaker
I can't do this with Chucky Norris running around out there. Yeah, so we have to kill him and yeah we know no fucking way. We can't we have a plan, you know Yeah, if you would have just stuck to the plan everything would have been fine. na He still would have come getting you No, because he said it's your problem, not mine. But he didn't stick to the plan and he went after him. Yeah. Killed his buddy.
00:38:13
Speaker
So guess what? Now I'm on your ass. I know know. He wouldn't have heard about any of this. He lived in the fucking middle of the swamp. oh bullshit He would eventually heard about all these. As soon as he found out about the kids dying, it would have gone on for a while.
00:38:24
Speaker
But the second that he would have found about the kids dying, he was like, well, now it's my problem.
Chuck Norris's Stoic Performance
00:38:28
Speaker
Sorry. Now it's my problem. Dude, he is so... We make fun of Chris O'Donnell for being cardboard actor. Yeah. Chris O'Donnell is an Oscar-winning actor. He's Daniel Day-Lewis compared to Norris. Oh, easy now. Easy now. We shouldn't put those two in the same breath.
00:38:47
Speaker
Just compared to Chuck Norris. Yeah. Chuck Norris, he doesn't even have an expression. I know he's trying to do a cool guy thing, but the whole thing is just like...
00:38:56
Speaker
I'll like get them they shouldn't have killed those kids yeah you shouldn't have did that he's just a boy the part where he's getting to his truck after where we're getting to the scene Walker told me I have AIDS thought about starting this with that by the way he just looked at the camera and was supposed to be like lament like just memorable you know like
00:39:16
Speaker
yeah and none of it works he's not a facial actor no and nico has the line where you know you know exactly how this movie is going to go as soon as you go into it but nico has the line that lets you know for sure because he's like he's one man alone what could he do ah couldn't possibly get any worse guess what happens so rostov rostov and his goons go and assault rostov and two smoking barrels yes they assort assault assault chuck norris's house they assorted all right you put the china cabinet over here it's going to be so great it's really going to tie the room together it's going to throw them off right the ottoman the ottoman's trash we need to move that out somewhere i know i know i'll figure out a place for you to put your feet but it's not gonna be that trash ottoman doesn't go with anything
00:40:02
Speaker
I also said they assaulted his house. it's a It's barely a shack. it's ah it's a Uncle Duvet's house in Hard Target was a mansion compared to this thing. Oh, boy. Good old famboat. He much. No, he needs a famboat and a couple of friends.
00:40:17
Speaker
That's it. And his armadillo. But John Eagle pulls pulls up right as these guys are about to do their attack. He sees them and warns Chucky Norris just in time. He dives out the window. and he And John Eagle gets get got.
00:40:30
Speaker
I want to say, though, he did the best he could with a double barrel shotgun and and killed one and winged the other one. And then he's out of bullets. Oh, yeah. His hand. Yeah, because he shoots that guy Tomas in the hand because we see that later. That guy's still running around.
00:40:43
Speaker
Oh, yeah. um And don't worry, folks. Like I said, oh, they bla blow the fuck out of this house, by the way. Yeah. yeah It goes sky high, but the armadillo is okay. They they show you. I definitely thought about I was like, oh, Whitney's not going to be happy if we don't see that armadillo.
00:40:56
Speaker
and there in here comes just down the stairs struggling to get down the stairs too was like oh lands on it i know it's because of his short legs but this is what made me say it was a little derpy because it like it's trying to it's like reaching its paw down and it just like tumbles over and it's like well that's fine i think i want to name him dick dick armadillo like dick army take army dilo dick he might sexually assault someone oh he's just gonna chain me to a radiator not let me leave
00:41:24
Speaker
um We call that a Saturday. and We have the beginning of the assault. We've got this couple. They're fucking on the beach. um And this flare goes up. And first of all, if I'm on the beach making out with a chick and she's like, let's go have sex on this blanket.
00:41:38
Speaker
First of all, no. But also, if like if I'm in this situation and I'm this guy, a flare goes up, I'm going to be like, huh, who was that? I'm going to be like, weird nipples. Cool. Got it. Maybe they thought that somebody was celebrating him.
00:41:51
Speaker
You know, anytime you're doing really good. This is the beginning of the assault. We have these World War two transports coming up on the beach.
Urban Decay & Right-Wing Views
00:42:00
Speaker
So Nico is there hiding in the the reeds.
00:42:02
Speaker
He comes out and just fucking caps these two. he doesn't give a fuck. he does. And I do like that he starts watching fucking Carson or whatever they were watching on TV and laughing. I feel like he has a de-silencer on his gun because like it looks like a silencer, but it's the loudest boom I've heard from a gun today.
00:42:21
Speaker
It's like ah in a scanner darkly when Robert Downey Jr. is trying to make a homemade silencer. Have you seen that? there Oh, yeah. You make a home lead silencer and then he shoots it and just boom.
00:42:35
Speaker
But I mean, these these prisoner trans or not prisoner, but soldier transports are authentic like World War Two ones. Joseph Zito said in the interview that they got these from some military collector guy.
00:42:48
Speaker
So these were like real used World War Two. ah that's awesome. Yeah, they looked it. Imagine coming out of one of these into the fucking beaches of Normandy, just getting mowed down. that's and that's that's what happens here without the mowing down part though yeah we have thousands of people running out of these fucking carriers yeah and i don't know if it wasn't this scene but joseph zito did mention also in the interview that later on during the big battle there were 1600 extras oh Yikes.
00:43:19
Speaker
Yeah, that's a lot of extras. He said everybody in this film was meant to be in the film from the mall to the streets to everybody. Well, yeah. Yeah, I read it like but like no like people in the background like they're really like, you know, they'll do that, especially low budget stuff like Canon because like that neighborhood is abandoned.
00:43:39
Speaker
The mall was abandoned. So they they had to fill it with people. And i read online that apparently theirre their cannons report, their budget report for this or whatever it was, said that they had a total of 10,000 extras.
00:43:52
Speaker
i'm wondering I'm wondering what guy was like, ah yeah, I'll be in this. And then he came back with a fake mustache. Yes, I will do your movie. Well, something I had just learned about a new hope that I wish we would I would have known for the Han Took Shots first podcast where we discussed episode four. Which podcast is that?
00:44:11
Speaker
Han took shots first podcast where discuss this beautiful fucking ah wonderment to society. Han took shots first. It's up there in the corner. Um, so in the very beginning, when, uh, Vader takes like storms, the tentative for all the guys that he kills, like like all the extras laying there, start hiding there. Like they're in a position to hide their faces. It's so you can come back for another scene.
00:44:33
Speaker
yeah Like it's something, it's something that a lot of extra workers have done. Like it's, if you can't recognize their face, you can be put another scene. So that makes sense if you see people like a bunch of people with their hands over their face or face down, it might be that reason.
00:44:47
Speaker
More work. Yep. They want to get paid more than one day. Yeah. um This is where we find out that it's definitely Christmas when there was a moment when Rostov and Nico were at like a beachside cafe and there was like a Spanish version of Rudolph the Red Nose are we Jingle Bells playing in the background. And Whitney was like, is this a Christmas movie? and i was like, who knows? It's Florida.
Visual Spectacle & Narrative Stakes
00:45:10
Speaker
And then, you know, it is that right after. Yeah, because right here, all these people are putting up lights in this idyllic little neighborhood. want to the star on the tree. Yeah, this family is arguing about putting the star on the tree, which isn't a star, you stupid little kid.
00:45:22
Speaker
It's not even close to a star, you dumb baby. it looks like the top of the the Kremlin. Yeah. In Russia. Or so St. Peter's Cathedral. that's the like That's the one that most people know.
00:45:35
Speaker
But Rostov and Nico show up in this nice little neighborhood and they're like, man, these people sure make it easy. And they just fucking light these houses up with rocket launchers. There's kids making out. Well, there's two teenagers making out in a car with five kids playing ball around that said car. Yeah. I don't get that. We don't see him reload this rocket launcher. I think ever this is the first multi-firing rocket launcher ever.
00:46:00
Speaker
No, he's got a bunch already loaded down now in the car. We see him like shoot, turn and shoot. I'm pretty sure. like i was just like, damn, this is I need to get me one of these. ah Where does he get these wonderful toys?
00:46:12
Speaker
But I think I mentioned it when I was promoting this on one of the other episodes. But this is a real neighborhood. These are real houses and they are really being exploded. I can't believe they were abandoned. They're beautiful. Well, they weren't abandoned. I think they were. i think they were ah i imminent domain.
00:46:27
Speaker
they They got kicked out because this neighborhood was scheduled for demolition to build a new runway for the Hartsfield Airport. So we'll blow it up.
00:46:39
Speaker
We'll blow it up We got that. We got you. Did you say you need it blown up? Because I know a guy. And apparently this is we like to blow shit up. You heard of Chuck Norris? This is currently the location of the Georgia International Convention Center. So that runway didn't even last.
00:46:52
Speaker
Huh. They fucking blow these houses up and it is glorious. And of course, the first one they do is where we just saw these cute little kids. The little girl like snuck out and put the star on the tree and she's all happy and they're having a family dinner.
00:47:04
Speaker
Boom. Dude. It's family annihilated. Yeah. She survives. She survives. Well, she's going to have a lot of therapy and maybe she'll kill herself in like 10 years. Yeah, the neighbor runs picture.
00:47:17
Speaker
Yeah, it's pretty fucking cool that you really blew up a neighborhood. I like that. Yeah. And we're not going to go through each each action scene because there's a lot of it. Basically, what they're doing is all these people they brought in, because I was thinking, because I just recently watched this, but I kind of forgot how it starts here.
00:47:31
Speaker
I was thinking like, this force isn't going to be anything against the military, but that's not what they're doing. No. They're forming little cells and they're going around and doing stuff to make Americans mad at other Americans. Like this next one, they go to this party. like Cubans hanging out, having this party. For some reason, our reporter Maguire is there.
00:47:49
Speaker
She's Cuban. She knows good food. McGuire sounds pretty Cuban. yeah and She knows good food. And we also have Michael Carmine here from Leviathan. He was de Jesus. Oh, yeah. He's the one talking shit to the cops. He's the one introducing. He's the one who gets shot first. Yeah, you're right.
00:48:08
Speaker
These cops show up and they get out and they're like, are you guys going to fuck with us like you did last time? And these cops are just like, not exactly like last time. that no A little different than last time. Have you ever heard of an escalation?
00:48:19
Speaker
and And this is where we see what their real plan is, because they shoot all these people and drive away. and then the real cops show up and all these people get pissed. They're like, oh, shit, they're back. And they start throwing bricks and rocks at the real cops. Well, Keo or whatever his name is, says he wants witnesses. Don't kill them all. Well, yeah, but that's what it. But ah also it's this like so these cops show up. Now these people are like, oh, the cops shot our friends. Yeah.
00:48:41
Speaker
Cause we didn't talk about when they were having ah their beach lunch around shirtless people, which by the way, eating shirtless, that should be reserved for drunk people at home, not out at a restaurant. Um, he says, he's like, these American people are so free. It's their freedom. That's gonna be their undoing.
00:48:57
Speaker
Yeah. You know, ah cool line, it doesn't really make sense to what he's doing. But yeah, he's just trying to, uh, tiny cells doing all these little sting operations, much like the rebels in episode four.
00:49:08
Speaker
our Our FBI agent later on says like that basically they're turning Americans against other Americans, but more importantly, against authority. I laughed. Well, you know what's worse? Against authority.
00:49:22
Speaker
I can handle people killing other people, but disobeying the law? How dare you? And then we get the perfect snapshot of what Reagan wanted people to think America looked like in urban neighborhoods, because we have Chuck Norris driving through urban decay.
00:49:39
Speaker
Hookers saying, fuck you, what the fuck you looking at? Yeah, there's hookers that are talking shit to a dude alone in a truck. Bad hooker, by the way. yeah um And then of course, there's black people who are exclusively dressed like pimps and gangsters. yep There's poor white people who are bikers.
00:49:54
Speaker
And everybody's just screaming at Chuck Norris for no reason other than he's white. But then we also include white people. So I don't know what... Because he doesn't belong there. I don't it's it's just it's a it's that idealized like right wing like look how bad America is if you're in these city places these urban right it's a big it's New York in the movie big yeah you know same thing where it's just gunshots and shouting and But yeah, he so he goes to this Gil's bar, which is so scummy that even I wouldn't hang out there.
00:50:28
Speaker
i s slightpe This place is dirty. I would be there. I was wondering earlier. was like, man, have I ever seen Chuck Norris in a movie that shows tits? Like, I couldn't think of one because he's, you know, pretty...
00:50:40
Speaker
like Family. or Family. he wants to keep that clean cut wholesome. But then this. But then this. In this scene rather. Walk in like. Oh there they are. Oh there they are. Oh there they are.
00:50:51
Speaker
but Okay. That girl's pouring beer off her tits. Okay.
00:50:56
Speaker
Yep. And I do like when he goes with there and this guy confronts him and he's like, you don't belong here. I don't know you. He's like, hey, that makes two of us. I don't know you either You're putting way too much fun on it, though. Sorry.
00:51:07
Speaker
That makes us even. I don't know you either. Crush bottle. ah Goodbye, man. We give a lot of shit Mork Norris from. ah ah When here, but he's not too far off.
00:51:20
Speaker
No, but you know what? Mork Norris was putting inflection on words. It's the wrong inflection. It was bad, but but he's putting it on. There was effort. I don't know what she's doing here.
Action Tropes & Humor
00:51:32
Speaker
What she's doing here.
00:51:36
Speaker
How do you not like this guy? Like he's he's basically he's trying to hunt down Rostov when this guy Tomas, who's played by guy named Alex Colon, who also is dead. 1995. Oh, wow.
00:51:47
Speaker
Who was in Deep Cover and Red Scorpion, the two movies I recognized from him. um Basically, this guy shows up and there's these two. I'll say two bodybuilders. There's this bodybuilder and this other tall guy. There's a thyroid and a tall guy in a tank top.
00:52:04
Speaker
And he's a balloon animal. I just like they're washing their cars, though. And Tomas hits the bucket, knocks it over. And now they're like, I'm going to kill him for this. Yeah. Yeah. Well, clearly it's those words exchanged, too.
00:52:17
Speaker
It's a shortened version of Chekhov's gun, though, because it's like you piss these guys off who are cleaning their fancy car. We're not waiting until the third act. We're going to about four minutes. We're going to blow this fucking car up.
00:52:30
Speaker
Look how clean it was, though. Somehow, and this is the another Jason Voorhees moment, because somehow Chuck Norris knew that this guy was coming to this place to get this hooker and go to this room.
00:52:41
Speaker
So we do know that he talked at the other bar, the SCSI bar. He did meet his contact. or We don't know because we don't have backstory. His buddy, who he's like, hey, you're into all this seedy shit. you know And he's like, all right, there's some new customers at this bar.
00:52:56
Speaker
Can't remember the name. He's like, there's there's new people that I've seen there. Might be Ross Dobbs guys. But then besides that, he doesn't know what hooker, what room, yada, yada. Yeah, because they go up. the The guy takes this hooker upstairs and Chucky Norris is waiting in the room.
00:53:10
Speaker
All right. I got it. I got it. Tunnels. Exactly. Exactly. Tunnels but behind between the fucking c closets, Derek. It's a Jason Voorhees moment. It's like the people under the stairs, right? He's in the walls.
00:53:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:53:27
Speaker
um But yeah, he basically he stabs this dude in his bad hand and questions him. And the guy gives up some information. not my strong hand. And then he leaves him stabbed and he just hands him a grenade with no pin in it. yeah He's like, see you later. If you if you survive this, tell Rostov it's time to die.
00:53:46
Speaker
That's like the third time we've heard it now. third Third or fourth. Yeah. And then he has the good idea of why am I still holding this thing and just hucks it out the window and it blows up these dudes really sweet. It is a really sweet car. It's like a big fucking Cadillac. Yeah. Super. cheap Oh, there's another line in there it's with Chuck Norris's delivery. It's bad, but it's actually a cool line.
00:54:07
Speaker
When that big dude comes in and he's like, what the fuck are you doing here? He's like, you get out of here or I'm going to if you come back, I'm going to give you so many rights. you You're going to beg for left. Is that right? like If I give you so I'll give you so many rights, you'll be begging for a left. No.
00:54:22
Speaker
So many. Right. way
00:54:26
Speaker
Sorry, I didn't sleep well last night. I'll give you a laugh. who You're going to beg for a laugh. What's the line? I keep having nightmares about that time I didn't kill that guy. Can we get some of that coke from that first scene? We had a bunch of coke and I really need like just some. You know what? That's the problem. These canon movies are fueled by cocaine and Chuck Norris is not.
00:54:43
Speaker
No. At all. So that's the problem. I've discovered it and solved it. He seems like he's fucking dosing himself with chloroform in between takes. He's a ketamine guy.
00:54:54
Speaker
you I wish he was that cool. He was tired from giving tom's Tom Sizemore acting lessons for Firebirds. Or not Firebirds. Harley Davidson. Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. I want it back. It means everything to me. And if you don't bring it, I'll kill you. I'll kill you dead. And then we go to this mall, which again was like an abandoned mall. Tom Sizemore was fueled by coke.
00:55:17
Speaker
Not in that scene. No, but like just and that's why it's funny. He was fueled by coke. That's what I mean. He took acting lessons from Chuck Norris, did that, and everybody was like, you got to wake up, dude. He's like, I have a plan. Then he did a canon movie, and he's like, oh, i get it. Did he act with Nick Cage at but at that point?
00:55:35
Speaker
He was like, dude, going to so much coke, I'm going run with high knees, and that is from Firebird.
00:55:42
Speaker
But we go to this mall and there's this guy who looks like a cartoon character of a tall guy. That's one of the terrorists. Whoa, what? this This terrorist with the the bag that's beeping, he looks like the cartoon version of a tall guy. He's like weirdly shaped like Gumby. Yes. I just don't get it.
00:56:01
Speaker
Like a tall cartoon? Like if you saw a Like if somebody drew Shaq as a cartoon. Like if you if you saw a tall guy in a cartoon, like his legs are really long and his body kind of gets narrow and then his head and then he's got like a poofy like eraser head hair going on. He looks like Gumby. It's kind of like Gumby. Okay.
00:56:23
Speaker
If somebody stretched him a little bit. First of all, claymation instead of cartoon, my friend. Well, that wasn't my original. Anyway, he reminds me of a cartoon of I can't think of. And that's why and it doesn't matter. It's not important. He's got a bag and it's beeping. Yep.
00:56:38
Speaker
But it's Christmas time at the mall, so nobody gives a shit because they need to get that fucking tickle me Elmo or whatever. It was cool in the 80s. What's that terrifying and talking bear? Maybe Teddy. Teddy Ruxpin.
00:56:49
Speaker
Teddy Ruxpin. But I think this is Cabbage Patch time. All right. It's 1985. Definitely. no yeah that Oh, yeah. This is Cabbage Patch killing. This guy takes his package in and he stops near the only caring person in the entire mall because he leaves the package behind. And this dude's like, ah excuse me, sir. I left it anywhere else. Yeah. The wife notices. But Whitney, if you were to tap Derek and be like, hey, that guy left his bag. Derek like, hey, mister. Well, he's too far.
00:57:14
Speaker
Yep. I wouldn't pick it up. And even if I did pick it up and go, hey, you forgot your bag. First of all, beeping, putting it down, leaving. Second of all, it's running away from you. Second of all, that guy who was running from you.
00:57:26
Speaker
If I picked I was like, hey, you forgot your bag. And he started running. I'd be like, that looks like it's probably the correct idea. Set it down and run the opposite direction. Honey, start the car. This guy's running from his own package. So we should, too.
00:57:40
Speaker
We should. Don't say anything. Just walk away. Leave. Briskly. Just walk away. But there's some terrorists there waiting and they open fire because now a cop's chasing this guy, too, presumably just because he's running through the mall and he looks like a cartoon. He went behind. he went behind the North Pole. You're not supposed to go behind North Pole. You can't see behind the scenes.
00:57:58
Speaker
That's against mall law. This small cop sees this guy running and he's like, hey, like I got out of the I got out of Toontown. Get back here. I've got some dip for you. Hey, tall guy cartoons.
00:58:09
Speaker
hey tall guy cartoon
00:58:13
Speaker
It's like if Ryan Stiles was a cartoon character. There we go. Now you described him perfectly.
00:58:21
Speaker
But yeah, so that explodes because there's a bomb, obviously. like Three or four other bombs go off. So these guys are just they're planting bombs. This is where Tomas was supposed to be. And of course, Chuck Norris shows up in the nick of time in his big black truck, his BBT.
00:58:38
Speaker
This is like a I want to I want to guess it's as oh it's pretty big. It's a good It's big fucking truck. Yeah, it's definitely not a single cab. It's not even extended cab. Sure, I'm not talking about the size of the cab. I'm talking about the truck. the truck I would say it's a 76 GMC step side, but she's got a lift. It's a big truck for being street legal.
00:58:58
Speaker
I like it, but I think I've really had this Nissan. Well, Chuck Norris would never be caught dead driving a Nissan. Oh, God, no. Especially Hunter. Yeah, Matt Hunter. yeah matt hunter He's driving those reporters Mustang.
00:59:12
Speaker
Well, he will be. course he is. He's like, I'll take that. It's a Mustang. It's fine. Good thing she wasn't driving of those Japanese cars. Oh, thank God. It's a Mustang. oh I didn't want to have to chase him down on foot.
00:59:24
Speaker
I saw that Datsun over there. I thought, oh, God, no. She has a Corolla. I'm going to start running. Do you have a Japanese car? No. It's German.
00:59:35
Speaker
I'm kind of okay with that. oh god It's Das Auto. I mean, it does they got us to the moon. But there's at one point in this giant fucking swath of action scene, ah there's the smartest security guard in the world.
00:59:51
Speaker
You see one of these mall cops pull up in one of those little three-wheel golf carts. See these trucks chasing each other with guns. It's all,
Chaotic Action & Stunts
00:59:58
Speaker
nope. pearl And just U-turn right back home. We both laughed out loud at that. yeah He pulls up and he's like, yeah, no.
01:00:04
Speaker
You can see it in the background too of the original shot before they even like focus on him. He's just like... I do want to say say, we say what we will about Chuck Norris, right? Because he's not a good actor.
01:00:15
Speaker
He did almost all of his own stunts for this movie, including when he's hanging off the side of this Nissan. Oh, yeah. driving Driving through this mall, driving through kiosks, driving through the front doors. That was Chuck Norris the whole time. The fight scenes, he's he's good with the fighting. He's good with the stunts. He's good with the shooting.
01:00:31
Speaker
Yeah. He's not good with talk delivering lines. He's bad with talk talk. You know, Jean-Claude Van Damme is not a good actor. His movies are more entertaining because he can like put inflection on his voice. He goes in full. He goes in full. Chuck is like, he doesn't, you know what it is? d Chuck is very scared to be vulnerable.
01:00:47
Speaker
That's why he is this reserved. Jean-Claude Van Damme is, he's like, I can't be vulnerable. I'm fucking Jean-Claude Van Damme. Superhuman. Well, Joseph Zito was saying, and I didn't know this, or maybe I didn't, just forgot, but Chuck Norris was like a military man.
01:01:01
Speaker
So he's got that like stoic attitude of like, I don't know what what rank or what what department he was in or any of that. club Branch. Branch, there go.
01:01:12
Speaker
But he's got that stoic attitude, and that's kind of what comes across as he's just like, we don't show emotion, you know, like old military, not like. A good soldier follows orders. Exactly.
01:01:23
Speaker
You'll get there when we watch Bad Batch cartoon. They have this shootout. They steal this truck. And when they're driving away, there's these two girls that are like, hey, motherfucker, you hit my car. He picks this girl up by her hair and just drives away. Yep.
01:01:36
Speaker
This is car. This is car pranks that I love. i was just like, oh, my God. And it reminded me of this movie that I should have you guys watch. it's It's harder. it's We haven't done it yet, but I imagine it would be harder to do like foreign language films on here.
01:01:52
Speaker
We'll find out because with Schlock and Load, we're going doing some Cynthia Rothrock and stuff. I love that's Hong Kong. But there's this movie called Fatal Termination, and it has you could find the scene on YouTube, I think. It has the most insane stunt I've ever seen.
01:02:07
Speaker
There's these this guy holding this little girl like buy her hair, out of this car with the door open and he's just flying down the street and like it's he she's really there she's hanging out and this is what it reminded me of and it's terrifying this girl inches off the ground i mean this is already through this is already pretty ballsy what you're talking about is ludicrous yeah well you know hong kong yeah that's true um they they didn't have rules over there i mean but they filmed the milo and otis This girl is hanging out this window.
01:02:38
Speaker
So they're you know they're trying to catch up to him. i Chuck Norris gets McGuire to reach over and save her eventually. But it's just it's a lot of cool action. It's worth watching. Yeah. Yeah. But with like I love that the terrorist pulls a pin on this grenade and then Chuck Norris hits the car and the guy drops it. And they're like, oh, fuck.
01:02:55
Speaker
ah Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it. And now it fucking crashes into a line of cars at like a dealership and like the truck goes up and then it's just like, it's like Dark Angel. it's yeah car out Boom, boom, boom, boom. I just, I'm grinning from ear to ear. I'm just like, at this point in my notes, it says, this is a fucking awesome movie.
01:03:15
Speaker
like Stop taking notes and just watch this action. Yeah. ah We do have that moment of Rostov getting a hold of to Tomas and asking him, you know, hey, you know, you were supposed to be there. You weren't.
01:03:27
Speaker
Chuck Norris was. So that tells me that you told him. Yeah. You know, then he shoots him in the dick. Yeah. Well, it's we get one more time. He's like, did he say anything to you? And he's like, yeah, he said it's time to die. And he spits in Richard Lynch's Lynch's face.
01:03:43
Speaker
So he shoots him in the fucking dick three times. He just saw how many dick shots have we had now? Three? ah No, because this is three right here. and Yeah, this is like six like total dick shots or individual dicks. dick dick like individual people Six people. I think it's only been two people.
01:03:59
Speaker
you sure? There might have been another one. I'm not sure. no But there's been at least a clip unloaded into dicks. Yeah.
01:04:07
Speaker
Oh, I got to reload. I can still see him penis in there. Come on, brothers. You want to be a nation of dick shooters?
Political Response & Vigilantes
01:04:15
Speaker
um Now we we find out there's like vigilantes policing the streets. The National Guard has been mobilized. Which, dude, I'm sorry. I don't think it'd be National Guard. I think they would send the fucking full-on military. We'd be martial law.
01:04:26
Speaker
What, the amount of things that had have been going on that we can't stop? Well, they actually do mention that very quickly. um they They have this... This meeting happening that seems like a terrible idea.
01:04:37
Speaker
Turns out it is a terrible idea, but they, they you know, Chuck Norris solved it. But all 50, the governors of all 50 states and all the high ranking military personnel are having a meeting in one building while terrorist actions are going on. All right. Operation All of Our Eggs in One Basket. We'll start with a meeting.
01:04:53
Speaker
But the the news people mentioned it's one of those background things because they're going through all these news stations. um They're there to talk about you know what's going on and to try to halt the dissolution of constitutional am amendment ah constitutional rights and da da da. So think they're trying to prevent full on martial law is what the yeah the politicians are doing.
01:05:15
Speaker
The military is the who like, let's do it. So because martial law hasn't been enacted yet, it's the National Guard. The next step would be full on military occupation. But Chuck Norris gets stopped by some quote unquote National Guard guys. And like, ah so you see an Asian guy that's fine. This is America. There's people of all races and creeds.
01:05:36
Speaker
But when he pulls up to ask him for his ID, he's English is not this guy's first language, which also could make him American. That's fine. ah But not in a 1985 canon film starring Chuck Norris. No way.
01:05:51
Speaker
So they have a little shootout and like the Asian dudes laying on the ground and there's this other red bearded gentleman sitting next to him. They've all been. much interesting What a delightful way to describe my people.
01:06:03
Speaker
Well, we've already got one. He's the star. So we got to make sure people know it's another one. um But i like he asked this first guy, hey, you feel like talking and the guy just cusses him out in whatever like language he's speaking. And he's like, just it doesn't just shoot him with the Uzi.
01:06:17
Speaker
He like cuts him in half with the Uzi. He like makes a line across his body. And he's like I didn't think so. You want to talk you know i see a magic trick?
01:06:29
Speaker
i like i like the cops like flying around or the national guard whoever like stay off the streets they are not safe and like this family is trying to go to this church and they're hiding from the helicopters because they don't want to get arrested it's like i'm pretty sure people could go to their church yeah right if there's a curfew if there's a curfew though yeah yeah we're trying to get inside buddy We were outside in the curfew. hep The curfew was two hours ago. Yeah, we were really far outside. Whatever God you pray to doesn't care where you are.
01:06:59
Speaker
well I know which ones these guys pray to. I know who which God these people pray to because this is a Catholic church. Oh, yeah. Because we got that priest up there like, and he loved us. He told us.
01:07:13
Speaker
and I'm not going auto-tune it because priests don't do that. No, that was perfect. You could be pastor. they They talk like a harmony sing those songs. Ave Maria Maria Maria
01:07:26
Speaker
a they maria And so I said on to my son to go home. yeah It was getting late. Nope. do get Nope. uber You did it wrong. You said it was getting. you did like you You did some tonage there. can't not. Priests are just priest are just flat.
01:07:46
Speaker
We must go home. Dude, I fucking. You got one with me. No, I didn't go to a Catholic church. Every time I was lucky and they're sitting up there doing their oh man dawn rob I'm just sitting there like, don't laugh. You're in church. Don't laugh. You're in church. don't I might have told this. I do. my My grandma passed away a while ago and I hadn't been to church before her funeral. hadn't been church and fucking decade plus.
01:08:14
Speaker
And i almost laughed at her funeral because the words to the prayers are so fucking demeaning that my life made so much sense.
Critique of Cultural Elements
01:08:23
Speaker
Like, it's just like, we are unworthy of your love and we shall never be worthy of anything until you tell us that we are one with ourselves and you could will accept us for who we aren't.
01:08:31
Speaker
Oh my God. Like it's all these ridiculous pairs and all of my family is doing the same like whip yourself kind of like tone where it's like, dude we love God. God is good. like You just gave me such hard flashbacks because there's that one song that they do all the time. It's like, and he said to us that we do that. but And I said that fast delivery. I just had like the hardcore flashbacks to being so fucking bored and wishing as a 12 year old that I had discovered marijuana at this point. Yeah. Wow.
01:09:00
Speaker
Like listening to these prayers about how we're all unworthy until God tells us otherwise. i'm like, my life makes so my my pain makes so much sense right now. That's terrible.
01:09:12
Speaker
It made me, you know, give me good coping mechanisms. I went to a loving church. Alcohol and humor. Yeah, but now we got Jack on the podcast. So thank you. catholic um What if I was normal? Maybe I wouldn't be funny.
01:09:23
Speaker
i mean, you're not wrong. thought going say not funny. i was like, oh, no, here it comes. This is going to sting. But I do like these guys. are like They're like, we're going to blow up this church, right?
01:09:34
Speaker
And we get another Voorhees moment because he tries to set it off. It doesn't go off. Here's Chuck Norris on the rooftop. Didn't work. It will now. Throws it down on him. Boom. Zap.
01:09:45
Speaker
It's a good time. It's fun despite him. Not because of him. But it is. I did wonder, like, of course, I would love to see Arnold Schwarzenegger do this movie. But anybody that would zing.
01:09:57
Speaker
Dude, his lines would be so much better. like i mean, you said Jean-Claude Van Damme. You got anybody, Whitney? like who like Anybody besides Chucky Knorr. think Seagull would be better. ah barely but yes she is right she is right speaking of seagal and van damme we all know chuck norris is martial arts guy and he only kicks twice in this movie yeah that's because in that interview i watched with joseph zito he was like i didn't i don't know martial arts i know guns okay so i had him do guns ah so oh luckily one of the kicks made me laugh really hard so
01:10:31
Speaker
There's this this thing with the the stores are limiting food and stuff and people are getting really mad and that would definitely not happen, right? No, no way. There wouldn't be anything to do with people not caring about other humans at stores with food.
01:10:43
Speaker
Yeah, the guy from the store is like, guys, there's a limit on toilet paper. What the fuck? What do you mean 12 items? Turns out we're out of toilet paper. By the way, he said you can get 12 canned items per person.
01:10:55
Speaker
Yeah. So you go in, you give your kid 20 bucks, your other kid 20 bucks, and your spouse 20 bucks. Now you've got 48 items. Yep. Done. Until they're out.
01:11:07
Speaker
That's per day. Come back tomorrow. Yeah, well, you'll you'll be stockpiled, and then you'll be the target of the neighborhood. I'll be stockpiled guns and ammo. But like this fake National Guard shows up, they're going to kill all these people. But of course, Chuck Norris is there to save them.
01:11:20
Speaker
Yep. And I only want to talk about this scene because Nico is there. He takes Maguire hostage. Mm-hmm. And he's like, Hunter, come out, Hunter. And fucking what does she yell? She's like, do something, cowboy. Yeah.
01:11:35
Speaker
And of course, he Jason Voorhees is up right behind Nico. The scene is grabs this gun out of his fucking or not out of his hand. He grabs his hand, as you can see in this photograph, turns it towards Nico's head and makes him blow his own fucking brains out. Amazing.
01:11:48
Speaker
It is fucking cool. And this the stoicness in this scene makes it perfect. huh Yeah, that actually works really well right there because it's it's a Voorheesable moment. Yeah, that was that was really good. And then we have these people, the people who are going to the church sending their kids out there like all the kids are going on a school bus out to the country where it's safe. And I'm like, cool. Terrorist with bomb.
01:12:10
Speaker
Yes, terrorist with bomb.
01:12:14
Speaker
You knew it was going to happen. This bus driver is fucking clueless. Oh, yeah. Because yeah these terrorists speed up next to this bus, slap this bomb on the side. Then Chuck Norris shows up, speeds up next to the bus and tries three times and finally takes the bomb off. This bus driver is just like, this is driving.
01:12:34
Speaker
He's doing this. Shut down. What is it? ah ro Row, row, row your boat. no dude this is I swear to God, this is a drunken Chris Farley. No yelling on the boss. Bust around in your precious.
01:12:48
Speaker
pretty drink Jerking into a fucking bridge embankment. The bridge embankment from Tommy Boy. Oh, OK. Because when he to his hair jerk. Yeah, that's right. It's the same voice. That's why I got it mixed up in my head.
01:13:03
Speaker
he's easy yeah He's like, oh I tried to make it. Oh, he's talking about. He's talking about driving it off a cliff ah in Billy Madison. I was trying to make myself red like he does, but nobody made themselves red like Chris Farley. No, he was good at it, man. he was I can, but it gives me a headache. Don't do that. You're going to turn pretty red right now.
01:13:18
Speaker
Thank you.
01:13:20
Speaker
But he does grab the bomb and drives up next to the terrorists, and there's like you know two seconds left, and he's like, hey, lose this. Huck. Dude, i it okay. did but like Did you see the timer, what it was set at?
01:13:34
Speaker
That timer was going ninety so fucking fast. It was 192 quick seconds. I don't really understand it. How fast can you count? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. It was on little kid time.
01:13:46
Speaker
Whitney said, that's a fast timer. I said, that's because it's in Russian seconds. Get it? Russian? yeah Russian. it Russian and European. and European. You got any Russian music over there, Paul? No, Dave. No, no Russian music. What?
01:14:05
Speaker
um No you deserved you deserve to get blowed up You should have put this timer on like i don't know 30 seconds Put it on I'm not trying to help you kill kids But I'm just saying you had a job It's big enough to take out one car Or one bus So you don't have to worry about you don't have to get a mile away Before it goes off right like You should have set it for a much shorter time But of course the kids can't die The kids in this next scene are dead, but we don't see it happening. You can't show it. That's what it is. Yeah.
01:14:35
Speaker
Because it's Chuck Norris at the carnival we were talking about. And he's like, for every one I kill, 100 succeed. Yeah. ah Sorry. I was nodding off there. That was me emoting. um Oh, man. This is a tough scene to get through. I'm sad. Yeah.
01:14:54
Speaker
Sad. Yeah. Now we're sad. Yeah. Chuck Norris gets arrested by the FBI while watching Earth versus the Flying Saucers, by the Well, he does talk to Dude and is like, when this plan is never going to work. Do you know how many wheels that we have to spin?
01:15:12
Speaker
Yeah. But I told Whitney the movie that he's watching is almost the movie I had us do for our final Derrick at Classic Movies because it's another Harryhausen flick. Oh, man. Let me read you my notes. It just says, oh, great. Some dumb movie Derek will make us watch.
01:15:29
Speaker
Wow. It's a good movie. it's just As soon as I saw it, I didn't know it was Ray Harryhausen, but I saw stop motion fucking UFOs.
01:15:40
Speaker
And I was just like, yep. If Derek doesn't know what this is and doesn't have it on Blu-ray, he soon will. And me and Whitney are going to have to fucking watch it. It's going to have some awful noise that we just hate. You see them blow up the Capitol building with that UFO. it was pretty cool. Yeah.
01:15:57
Speaker
yeah ah Chuck Norris gets arrested Rostov sees it on TV and it's like oh we're taking him to this place where we have all the governors and all the high ranking military and he's like perfect ah I was like going there anyway he's like send everybody there um i do like when these news people are interviewing him because they would have cut because it's like do you have anything to say to the the people watching and he's like Nico was easy now it's your turn yeah something. now you open your eyes
01:16:30
Speaker
When you open your eyes, I'll be waiting and it'll be time to die. It's your time to die. He's like, one night you're just going to close your eyes and when you open them, I'll be there and you'll know it's time to die. But doesn't say it that cool.
01:16:42
Speaker
Like if you because they they introduced him as a vigilante that has killed suspected terrorists and yada yada. But then when he looks at the camera, he could be talking to the American people. You're next.
01:16:53
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Like that's the thing is like, like you have anything to say to the people watching? He's like, yeah, you're next. umm good Yeah. He just goes full full Lance Henderson. I'm going fuck you. Then I'm going to eat you. you with a knife dipped in shit.
01:17:07
Speaker
Oh, you want Lance Hendrickson as this guy. I do. Chucky or as Hunter? As Hunter. yeah as Chuck Norris. That would be dope.
01:17:18
Speaker
Yeah, that would be really cool. um this the The terrorists go and rob this armored car garage, and it's really funny because you have these guys. It's like they're peaceful, like day ah dayin day out work. You know, this guy's working on the thing. These guards are standing guard.
01:17:31
Speaker
But this thing explodes, and the dude sitting at this desk is fucking rocked. He gets shot to Bolivia. Oh, that was fantastic. um And they go and assault the this governor's mansion, whatever the fuck this building is. Yeah, sure. And, you know, they can get through because bullets can't get through an armored car. Tank bullets can, we find out. uhu I don't think they're called bullets, but... No.
01:17:57
Speaker
Shells? We can call them rounds. All right. um Whitney noticed, and I saw it, but she called it out. When these guys behind the armored trucks that are in this, like...
01:18:09
Speaker
People truck? Yeah, it's it's like the the open the open top, like, i don't know, deuce and a quarter. Yeah, kind like the truck they had ah Paul Walker dinosaur in in Tammy and the T-Rex.
01:18:20
Speaker
That might have been a dumb truck, I'm not sure. Because it had like the wood slats on the side. But when they're turning one of the corners and they go over a bump, there's a dude that straight up flies out of that truck. I didn't catch that. I'll be right back. The guy that was right behind him is holding on. Dude, it's a canon film.
01:18:39
Speaker
Filming gets wild, y'all. and No take two. Sorry, guys. ki You might not work for us ever again because you're dead. Sure, we made this $12 million. dollars But we left it in the
Explosive Finale & Recommendations
01:18:50
Speaker
movie. We've already we've already used most of those explosions because, or most of the $12 million dollars because explosions. There's so many explosions. We aren't even talking about the explosions that much because I want you to watch it.
01:19:01
Speaker
Yes. um They go in and attack the building and find out it's empty. And when Rostov realizes it's a trap. Yeah. I told you so. Which he says in Russian, which apparently babushka is Russian for trap. Oh, I thought he said mamushka and it's the dance they do in Adam's family.
01:19:17
Speaker
a moose Because he was like something something babushka is what I heard. and know was like Maybe it was the dude's name. And the dude was like, I told you so. but do Whatever language it is, it doesn't matter what language it is.
01:19:30
Speaker
I told you so never sounds cool. I told you so. Like he says all spurgendurgen.
01:19:37
Speaker
Kluge talken. They just spit on the mic. Basically, all these people leave the... They run out of the building, and there's the National Guard, and we have full-scale, well, small-scale war. And I don't want to complain about it because I really like the action, but I just want to say, I'm American, and these terrorists just fucked us up on our own soil whole bunch.
01:19:59
Speaker
I want these guys to shell them coming right out. As soon as that door opens, I want one of these tanks just to just hit him. like, all right, cool. We're good. Don't fuck with America.
01:20:13
Speaker
Don't fuck with Jesus. and Nobody fucks with the America. ah Whitney had a good point because Chuck Norris is inside searching for Rostov. It is dead silent inside. So even even though we see people flying through walls and bullets and stuff inside the building, like we see them get the walls get shot and they're made of plywood.
01:20:32
Speaker
You can't hear a fucking peep from this war happening outside. Easy answer. This is like the governor's mansion or office, right? They don't want to hear the screams of the poor when things really go downhill. Is it the same office from Latchkey Vids? It's all soundproof. It's all soundproof. You could fire a gun in there at some fucking animatronic version of the mayor. Well, this the indoor walls are all plywood.
01:20:57
Speaker
Right. That's because they spent all the money making the outside soundproof. Exactly. This is a purge room. They could hit a button and fucking shutters just... ah But then we have Rostov and Norris facing off against each other.
01:21:10
Speaker
ah Kind of. It's a little bit of a fight. Chuck Norris does give this dude a roundhouse kick to the face. Oh, shit. The kick. We had to go back just before this. When Chuck Norris is first starting to like, stalk this office way. yeah There's a guy that's, like, looking around for him. And Chuck Norris kicks him from off screen.
01:21:28
Speaker
Like, the guy just looks in this direction forever. And all of a sudden, just a foot comes up and boom. kicks him it's such a cartoony thing and i wasn't expecting it missed that one oh i do also like when he shoots those other two guys that are hiding behind the the door because oh yeah and then one of them looks like uh jim belushi and they both just get blown away that's pretty fucking yeah dude there's some fucking killer action right here i mean it hasn't stopped pretty much since he got activated it is just fucking go time kill time
01:21:58
Speaker
Yeah. um America wins outside and inside. We still have ah Norris is hiding again. Rostov's looking for him. Rostov's got a bazooka. yeah Yeah. He's playing the deadliest game of hide and seek that's ever happened.
01:22:13
Speaker
my line This is high stakes. Nice. oli oyosin free show to walter I know it's a different game. ah I thought of me playing like Halo one or two with a rocket launcher and somebody jumps around a corner like, oh, it scares you and you kill both of you.
01:22:31
Speaker
That's what's going to happen right here in my mind. Like, yeah, you got him. You got you too.
01:22:38
Speaker
We get that the final, well, the final scene and the final Voorhees moment. The final Voorhees! Because Richard Lynch is walking down this hallway, looking indoors, looking, and you see Chuck Norris come out behind him silently, and he opens up his fucking rocket launcher, and that's what calls his attention.
01:22:56
Speaker
And this I have a clip for. and we're going it's in slow motion, kind of, and I slowed down a couple parts. Like, I slowed down the whole thing, and I slowed down some important parts. So here we go. Chuck Norris. He hip fires that bitch. There's a dummy that gets exploded. Now here coming out the window, a bucket of blood. Where's the bucket of blood? There was there was a blood spray at the beginning. Okay. A whole leg. There's the leg. And then the bottom left, there's the head of the dummy just tumbling out of this window. i strangely like want ham with all that meat flying out that window. i kind of Can you replay that?
01:23:31
Speaker
Oh, I absolutely can. So it was my my pleasure. This is definitely just a Richard Lynch dummy that they put an explosive inside of at the beginning of this. OK, because I slowed it down more here. It's just a dummy that explodes and then just the big blood, the brain, right?
01:23:51
Speaker
Oh, man. Wow. Dummy head. Oh, there's an arm the center.
01:24:00
Speaker
That's a way to steal from your plate. I'd love a wing.
01:24:07
Speaker
And like, there's that flaming view of the window. I think we see Chuck Norris and then credits. Finn is done, dude. That's how you end a fucking movie. It's an hour 47, which like I, when I first put it on, it's like, ah, it's a titch too long for these kinds of movies.
01:24:24
Speaker
No, it's not because we fucking get to it. We stay in it. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably i mean, they kill those people at the beginning, but then it's probably 20, maybe 30 minutes of like story set up, like getting Chuck Norris involved and stuff. It still involves action. Not really. It did.
01:24:42
Speaker
And yeah, maybe ah maybe 20 minutes. And that includes and attacking Chuck Norris's house. Yeah. And then it's just action scene after action scene after action scene yeah throughout this whole movie.
01:24:55
Speaker
And they just interspersed. They interspersed just enough dialogue to tell you how things are progressing. Mm hmm. mean, we still don't know, like, the the terrorist endgame, and that's fine. Like, their endgame was just to disrupt America. It wasn't like, hey, let's take over America, and we can maybe make money off of this and this.
01:25:14
Speaker
No, let's just. Let's knock them down a peg or two. Let's just hurt them. That's all. That's all we're doing. Oh, I do want to mention and Chuck Norris doesn't get doesn't finish his line before he blows up Rostov because he's been saying this whole movie, it's time to die. It's time to die. He just says, it's time.
01:25:32
Speaker
And then blows this dude away. i kind of like it, though, because like it's time to die. It's cool. It's time. It's just he doesn't put an inflection on it. do you know what time it is? yeah Hey, check your watch. What's it say? It's time. It's time time to die. What time is it?
01:25:47
Speaker
It's time to So we'll do recommendations. All right, Jack, you go first. um Yeah, I love this fucking movie, dude. I will be getting this on. Is there a beautiful 4K of this? There a beautiful 4K of this available from Vinegar Syndrome right here.
01:26:02
Speaker
i should probably i should probably own that. This is such a good movie that does not need my caveats, will benefit from them. um It will also make for a great put it on and put music over it because you are just going to have bodies flying across the screen no matter what you're listening to. So, yeah, full recommend.
01:26:21
Speaker
Especially if you're listening to Let the Bodies Hit the Floor. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor. Dead Bodies Everywhere by Korn. Ooh, I could dig either of those. and So yeah, full recommend. um I don't need anything to make me watch it except for time.
01:26:38
Speaker
Yeah, obviously full recommend. This movie is fucking awesome. And like after we did Missing in Action, I remember all of us were like, oh, I don't know if we're ever going to do any more Chuck Norris movies. But I got this with my subscription to Vinegar Syndrome. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have picked it up because Chuck Norris.
01:26:53
Speaker
Thank God you did, man. Lowercase g. This is fucking bonkers. So yes, full recommend. Explodey, explodey. Wife. My hair looks great right now.
01:27:04
Speaker
does. you know how much I hate. I hated M.I.A., right? Missing connection. I fucking hated it. This is my favorite Chuckie Norris film.
01:27:17
Speaker
Yay! Let's golf clap for this movie. Yeah.
01:27:22
Speaker
She's still going recommend it. One star. By far his best movie. Don't watch it. Worst film ever. One star. No, I... It kept me captivated. kept me in it.
01:27:37
Speaker
um a lot of humorous, bada-booms, body parts flying. Dummies. Yeah. and I swear in that last scene that Chuck had, um he's got blood, like a cut above his right eyebrow.
01:27:53
Speaker
And there's dr drips of blood on his shirt. I think he actually got cut because it's like perfect. Just a little drop, little drop. Oh, that's other people's blood. He didn't bleed this movie.
01:28:04
Speaker
Well, he's bleeding right here. He's like he's like Slim Diesel. So I do give this a recommend. The caveats do help. They will make it better. Just sitting there talking shit with your friends.
01:28:16
Speaker
This might be a movie that you put on during Barley Fest. You know, and just a thousand percent. Have on and enjoy it. yeah thousand percent put that on. So it's full recommend all the way across the board. Whoop whoop.
01:28:30
Speaker
How'd you guys thinking though, didn't I? I mean, i was wondering because you don't like some of the best movies that ever existed. Miami Connection fucking sucks. Miami Connection doesn't suck. It doesn't.
01:28:41
Speaker
Yeah, i'm no I'm not normally into like shaming people and liking stuff, but come off it.
01:28:48
Speaker
Make me watch it four more times, maybe. If you didn't love it the first time, you might not ever. But next week we have a guest and we continue our journey in Joseph Zito town because we're going to have zip back on the podcast. And we're going talking about the prowler, which is also directed by Joseph Zito noise and is mostly like a special effects reel.
01:29:12
Speaker
It's not really a movie, but it's, it's, it's a of good time. I'm what i excited to have zip back. I heart his face. i'll ask him I'm going to see him tomorrow. Give me a fun time. And ah for those who want to watch The Prowler before we talk about it, it's available on Prime, Shudder, a streaming service called Night Flight that I think is like for horror movies.
01:29:33
Speaker
Or you can rent it on Amazon or Apple for $4 or buy it for $10. We'll see about that. So it's out there. And of course, we have our Patreon at patreon.com slash worstpeople. It's only $3 month.
01:29:46
Speaker
And you get a bonus mental health episode plus a bonus la key vids episode. The mental health episode for this month is Major League because R.I.B. R.I.B. Rest in Baseball. Rest in Baseball. It works, dude. Yeah. Just just a bit outside.
01:30:00
Speaker
Yes. Bob Euchre. So we're going talking about Major League. ah The Cop Rock episode for this month is Three Corps Meal, also known as the Baby Merchant episode. Baby Merchant. So strap in and strap on.
01:30:16
Speaker
You don't have to strap it on. And I want to mention, ah we have a new web store for our merch. So you don't have to go to TeePublic and find us or do whatever.
01:30:27
Speaker
You can just type in shop.badmoviesworstpeople.com. Oh, nice. And get our merch. When I post this episode, I will be starting a sale because this is the first time I talked about because I control, kind of control the pricing now. It's still, I have a window.
01:30:41
Speaker
But I'll be starting a sale. So t-shirts will be starting at $13 for the next week after this episode comes out. So go check it out. Shop.badmoviesworstpeople.com Now can you get more than shirts?
01:30:53
Speaker
Oh there's shirts, hats, mugs, jackets, tote bags, pillows, cell phone cases, jokers, ball gags. ah There are onesies. You can get a onesie for your baby.
01:31:05
Speaker
Yeah. says assholes right on it so that's nice. Love it. But yeah you get all that stuff. And I mean some of the stuff I believe ah when I put it on sale the coffee mugs and some the other stuff gets real cheap.
01:31:19
Speaker
I want to say like like maybe five bucks or something like that. I'm not 100% sure. Nice. But it gets cheap. So check that out. Shop.badmoviesworsepeople.com And of course, we have to thank Evasion for our opening and closing music.
01:31:32
Speaker
I've been Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Jack.
01:31:37
Speaker
It's time to die.