Transcript
Speaker: I want to football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
Speaker: Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
Speaker: We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
Speaker: rinsing your girl out, bud.
Speaker: Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
Speaker: Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
Speaker: want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk?
Speaker: We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
Speaker: Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes. Hello and welcome to episode 95 of the Two Guys, One Screen podcast, the hemorrhoid homies, the diarrhea daddies, the Poetown boys.
Speaker: i think i called us I think I called us on one of the episodes the Hindi homos. Oh, wow. We're not Hindi. but We are homos. don't We are full-blown homosexuals. Don't get that twisted.
Speaker: And welcome to our, not for you, but for us, our final recording ah for Christmas month. Yay. We did it. I mean, we made it to December.
Speaker: we We're recording this on December 1st, and you're hearing this the day after Christmas. Start taking your decorations down now. Oh yeah. the people Do people that? I don't know. i don't really care. My parents typically left them up through new years, right? Yeah. Through my birthday ish. Maybe even a week after that.
Speaker: Sometimes you're like, you just don't want to do it You're like, that's too much fucking work. It's so much fun to put it up and take it down. Yeah. Also, I mean, like some um I was that my parents are, but I was never a person that was like, I'm going put the tree and do lights all around the house and do like wreaths. Like that's just a lot of work. Just just put a tree up and call it a day. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Trees enough work. You got to put every ornament back in the individual box after that. That's crazy. It's fucking annoying, huh? It's fucking it's fucking annoying as shit. Now I don't want to do it.
Speaker: Yeah, but you know, we hope you had a great Christmas or whatever holiday. We hope you're enjoying Kwanzaa if you're not mean. yeah I think Kwanzaa the 26th, I'm pretty sure. oh is it?
Speaker: I could be wrong. We can fact check me live on the podcast, but Hanukkah is sometime this month, or right? Hanukkah, we hope you had a great Hanukkah. Yeah, Kwanzaa is the 26th. Look at me being black as fuck. Nice. that well Yeah, so i don't know if I even said it, but we're here to review the movie called The Santa Claus, or is it just called Santa Claus? I always thought it was The duh is the the Santa Claus. The. Yeah. The one and only. Literally, I was today years old when I realized Claus was literally like a Claus.
Speaker: Yeah. I was like fucking mind blown. I mean, that is it's a cool play on words, and I think I understood the reference because they revisit the clause again in the second one.
Speaker: there's even they They only magnified in the top part of the card. There's a second clause in the bottom part of that card. There is. And then watch out because there's going to be a first. You can't have a divorce sin. That's a bad PR. Yeah.
Speaker: ill get I'm getting married. Yeah. yeah And to be fair, the new wife that he gets in the second one is way fucking harder than the brood he has in this movie. That's very true. Yeah. This bitch, like, don't know. She looks like fucking ah Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
Speaker: Not Kill Bill. im Sorry. Pulp Fiction. But ugly. Uglier, yeah. Uglier. Yeah, for sure. I mean, Uma Thurman's a piece, right? She can get fucking rinsed. Yes, she is. She can... She can ult me. She can kill me. She can... What else is she in?
Speaker: Oh, wow. Charlie as an adult's a fucking ugly motherfucker. I'll tell you that much. Well, it always throws me if you don't have to plug it anymore. We'll just go into the cast list. This movie came out 1994. This is pre-Chris Benoit, pre-9-11. Pre-Our Births. Pre... Yeah? Uh...
Speaker: free yeah ah What do you think Ben Wilde is doing in 94? Oh, he's in WCW, I would assume. Chris Benoit. Good old Chris Benoit. Yeah, him.
Speaker: I've already Googled this before, and it it should just come up. His son got a tattoo on his forearm that says, like, the cross face, because that was this ah was Chris's finishing move.
Speaker: Oh, wow. was like, yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: He was in some random promotion called World... I guess this is WCW. Whoopsie. World Championship Wrestling? Nope. I'm sorry. i read it wrong because i ended in 93. Various promotions from 93 to 94. He was a little lost the year 1994. In 1995, he was back in WCW. Let's go. Let's go. um ah He was back. Big.
Speaker: well Movies directed by John Pasquin, who decided he wasn't going to the rest of the trilogy. Oh, also, was his birthday yesterday. So happy birthday.
Speaker: how How about that? And that's all i have to say about that. Here's your cast list. We got Tim Allen. I almost said Scoot. This is Scott. You play Scott Calvin. Scoot sounds like some like black dude's nickname. Like, hey, yo, where's Scoot at? Yeah, we're Scoot. Yeah.
Speaker: ah yeah Yeah, that's fair. ah I mean, if you don't know who Tim Allen is, what are we doing? It's Tim Allen. yeah yeah Yeah, he is Tim Allen. Most, yeah I guess, most known for his... Did you say Moose Knuckles? What'd you say? Most known for like his voice acting, I guess, right?
Speaker: Yeah, and then how big... How big was that show he had on... a Home Improvement? Yeah, that was huge, right? That show fucks, dude. Yeah. Tim the Tool Man Taylor?
Speaker: Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. He even puts like a little he puts like the little belt on. Yeah, he does. And he throws it away. Good reference. Also, if you didn't know who he was, he's he's making the rounds of the internet again because of the Toy Story 5...
Speaker: ah Promotion, we'll say. not saying hype. It's definitely not hype, but promotion. ah hy causemo you know He's buzz, everybody. And I am getting fucked by him big for their clout.
Speaker: I don't think it's a question. Yeah, he's not an ugly guy. He's a piece, no? He's a piece. Yeah, he is. Look at him. Did he also do dirty job with somebody else?
Speaker: That's Mike Rowe. Mike Rowe. But Mike Rowe and Tim Allen kind look the same, right? they Yeah, they give off the same energy. Mike Rowe. R-O-W-E.
Speaker: but he's spelled it right. This is the same. Yeah, they look the same. I would say Mike Rowe is a little wrinklier in the face than Tim Allen is. I mean, he's but he's done a lot of dirty jobs. Yeah, and you know what's crazy? is is He's younger than Tim Allen, and he looks a little worse. i mean, he's seen some shit. Yeah, all those dirty jobs will do it. Yeah, yeah I want to drop a dirty job right in his chest. Today, I'm getting Cleveland steamered.
Speaker: um Yeah. Next, we got Judge Reinhold. He plays Neil. I fucking love this guy. He was in Two and a Half Men, the show. He played Herb. i Yeah, i remember this guy like kind of exclusively from this movie, but apparently he's in Gremlins? No, we talked about him in Gremlins. Yeah, he's in Gremlins, too. Check out all one of our best episodes, Gremlins.
Speaker: ah And, I mean, I don't know what you say, but I'm getting fucked by this guy for the clout because, to me, this guy has big clout. I guess he's kind of douchey. Yeah.
Speaker: I was going to say his character in two and a half men and the character he plays in this movie are kind of the same person. I think he plays like the same guy in every movie. Yeah. Next we got Wendy Crewson who plays Laura. um Honestly, if she had a little bit of longer hair, I'd probably fuck her, but I'm kind of not fucking it.
Speaker: Yeah. She ain't getting fucked today. He ain't fucking it. Sorry. I had like one of those. fuck it I saw. Did you? Yeah, it's like one of those. Something's getting plugged. Something's getting plugged or unplugged. I don't know what it is. I'm getting plugged.
Speaker: ah She was in Air Force One. You ever see Air Force One? No, I haven't seen it yet. But I did start. I did start this past week by now. Hopefully I've finished it. I did start the Green Mile, which you've called me out on not watching several times.
Speaker: I just got the part where Tom Hanks gets grabbed by the balls big. There you go. That's where I'm at. i'm just I just want you to know that if it goes in a supernatural direction, I'm kind of out on it.
Speaker: a little bit i kind of don't love it but i'm gonna i'm gonna finish it you know i'm about halfway through the movie at this point uh i didn't think i'm not gonna spoil it but you might not like it i didn't think they would spend on a three-hour movie i didn't think they'd spend probably close to 30 minutes on a mouse but they do hey so if you like watching people chase after mice or one specific mouse i mean go for it and that's with tom and jerry I mean, that big, yeah, that big black Na Mean, he's like not really even in it until like...
Speaker: Until basically he, you see in the beginning. cause he, I don't know what he did yet, but you see in the beginning and I can guess what he did, but I don't know what he did. I can make assumptions based off stereotypes of what he did. Sure. But, uh, and then, you know, he's just kind of like in his, in his bed the whole time. And then all of a sudden he just grabs Tom Hanks his balls and then, Oh, I guess you're back. Yeah. But he's in the covers. That's why I'm just, I'm curious, but, Oh, he's like, you know, besides Tom, he's the main character. Yeah, I just, you know, the the first 30 to 40 minutes, just not really around. like if Like, if you showed me a picture of him, I'd be like, oh, that's Bubba.
Speaker: Yeah. Like, that guy's the one that rapes you in jail. oh Yeah, yeah. He looks like, he also looks at the guy that takes the detonator and throws off the boat in Dark Knight. Yeah.
Speaker: He's like, give it to me. And he fucking tosses that shit off the boat. I ain't giving it to you. No, absolutely not. um But if you wanted to give it to me, no, I think you're fine. If you wanted to give it to me, I wouldn't have a choice. okay You know what I mean? He'd just fucking throw himself on me.
Speaker: ah Next, we got Eric Lloyd, who plays Charlie. I have no comment. i do I do find him pretty annoying in the second one. yeah the only The only thing I remember about the second one is like there's like a plastic Santa.
Speaker: The second one's goaded, dude. For me, the second one was watched way more than the first one when I was growing up as a kid. The second one's great to me. It could be bad, but you love the second one. I remember like Christmas of 2006 or some shit.
Speaker: I got the third one on DVD, and I was mad hyped because I'd never seen it. And I watched it, i was like, this shit is fucking horrible. Yeah. Oh, and Tim Allen voices all of them. Toy Santa, Real Santa, and Scott Calvin, SC.
Speaker: Elizabeth Mitchell is his new wife, and she's a fucking piece. um So anyways, who is Eric Lloyd in Batman and Robin? That's a curious That's a good question, huh?
Speaker: Stay tuned in the new year. You might find out. He plays a young Bruce Wayne. Oh, wow. We got David Krumholtz, who plays Bernard, the fucking legend.
Speaker: Yeah, probably the best character in the fucking franchise. Let's be honest. fucking love Bernard, dude. Bernard's the greatest. He's an Oppenheimer, apparently. He's in Oppenheimer. He's in 10 Things I Hate About You. He's in Superbad. He's also in a Sausage Party, which I have the Spanish poster, so it's Fiesta de Salchicha, which is fantastic. Guy's in everything. Yeah.
Speaker: I Love You, Man. Great movie. I did not know he was in the Springsteen documentary, which I was a fucking rut row. He's in The Judge. Hey, if you haven't seen The Judge, go watch to The Judge. It's a great Robert Downey Jr. movie where he's not Iron Man.
Speaker: um so Is it post-drug abuse? The Judge? Yeah. What what is What's the timeline on Robert Downey Jr. drug problem? How long did it last for? Because this came out in 2014. This is pretty fun. we're good. Yeah, okay. This is pretty good then. I think like anything pre-Iron Man, he was fucking coked out of his mind. Okay. Yeah. It's like Sherlock Holmes.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. He took it because he needed fucking drugs. Makes sense. um Oh, I guess there's some more people we need shout out. Okay. ah I don't give a fuck about that. We'll go Paige Tamanda who plays Elf Judy.
Speaker: Like Judge Judy. I will say she looks like a Miranda Cosgrove spinoff in this picture. Asian Miranda Cosgrove, right? A little bit, yeah. Yeah. Oh!
Speaker: Yeah. Oh, thank you for watching Icarly! That's Icarly!
Speaker: Oh, do you know my brother Drake and our Josh? Oh, this is my my friend, Jeanette McCurdy!
Speaker: Oh, but I think ah she got to molested on set. That's not good. No. Yeah, we don't. We don't. we won't We don't. We don't condone molestation of no children or anybody, really. No one. Don't be molesting people.
Speaker: Next, slide ah we got. I mean, who else you want to talk about in this cast list? don't think anybody. i just I will give a shout out to this guy, Peter Boyle, but who's Mr. wi Whittle. he's a He's kind of a big deal. He's a big actor.
Speaker: this fucking guy. Yeah, he's in Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah. That's where I know him from. Right. In second Scooby-Doo live action movie. He plays Captain Cutler. I will show you my Cutler if you want.
Speaker: Yeah. I think that's it.
Speaker: See if anybody in the bottom here it has a... Oh, Frank Welker is a reindeer voice. Shout out to Frank Welker. The Frank Welker? The Frank Welker, yeah. Crazy.
Speaker: It's fun to scroll to the bottom of Letterboxd Cast and see if there's any kind of a bonus Easter egg castings. Anyways, if you're new to this podcast, we do a scene by scene, which is what we're going to do right now. So strap it in, strap it on, get your ball and shake it for daddy.
Speaker: And... Yeah. You know, for a Disney movie. Yeah. This is very anti Santa. I think I didn't even realize it was a Disney movie, man.
Speaker: Yeah, it's. That's why. So this is a live action Disney movie from 94. Kind of crazy, huh? That is kind of crazy.
Speaker: Pretty sure it's got to be Disney. Yeah, it's got to be Kane. It's Walt Disney Pictures. I mean, that's. That's got to be. Be Disney. to be. The Jews making a movie about Christmas.
Speaker: Oh, he's dead by now. Give me a break. he's ah Yeah. Stick to fucking mice. Well, don't fuck mic mice. like What are you talking about mice?
Speaker: Mickey Mouse? Oh. oh oh Oh, got it. Okay. Yeah, I was late on that one. All right. So the the movie opens... ah We're in an office building and there's a Christmas party going on much like Die Hard.
Speaker: um And it's been their best year all thanks to the do it all for you, Dolly. um Let me ask, does Dolly do everything? She's fucking better, bro. What's Dolly doing for us?
Speaker: 1994, they got some technology on the way. you know She could probably give a nice little... but Yeah, and they definitely got some lonely people in 1994 looking for some fun. Yeah. Yeah. So um they this is B&R toys. i don't know B&R stands for, but B&R.
Speaker: And they're lot of success is all thanks to their marketing team, which is Scott Calvin and Susan Perry. Uh, and they come up and give like a thank you speech and Scott tries to make some jokes, which, you know, eh.
Speaker: They don't, they don't really land cause it's. No. I mean, none of the jokes me really land that much. I don't think. Not really. no ah i mean Scott, ah we follow him. He gets in his car and he has a voicemail for a lawyer Laura, who is his ex-wife. And he's going to be late because of a three-car pileup. And he's late to pick up his child, which is Charlie.
Speaker: um And Laura has a new ex-wife, Neil. Laura has a new ex-wife, Neil, is a sentence I just said. Laura's new husband is Neil. Neil. Or boyfriend. I don't know.
Speaker: But they live together. I genuinely don't know. mean, he's piping her down for sure. For sure. And they live in his house. they They call it at the end of the movie, Scott, or he calls it, Neil and Laura's house. So, I mean, she she i mean she didn't get the house and the divorce. That's for sure.
Speaker: Right. Scott got to keep that. That's good. Yeah. Or Scott's doing so well at his job that he bought just bought a new house. I mean, he made he created the hottest selling toy of 94. Yeah. Don't get it twisted.
Speaker: It wasn't the fucking Furby. Right. Did the Furby come out in 94? Yeah. I don't know. um I'm thinking of ninety s toys. Yeah. Yeah, I got you. What was the hot selling item in 98? In 1990, what was the hot selling item? My dad's load into my mom's vagina. That was pretty hot. Well, no, that was 97. Oh, fuck. You're right.
Speaker: Yeah. Yo, is it correct? Our parents were fucking a month apart. Yeah, I mean, our parents were were, I would say they were at least trying at the same time. for Well, my parents weren't trying. in the crazy Right. Well, that's... Yeah. That was accident. Well, the other thing, too, to consider is that if it's like, it's like what, nine months for pregnancy?
Speaker: Right. Yeah, my dad turned, like, I don't know, 43 or whatever it was. He's like, I'm fucking making a kid today. yeah Right. That falls right around my dad's birthday from when I was born. But either way, you let us know if you were an accident. Write in.
Speaker: oh I don't want to be alone. yeah So Scott asks Laura to come in and, uh, we're in Scott's house and Laura tells him that she's going to Neil's family for dinner this year for Christmas. It's Christmas Eve.
Speaker: Um, and Neil was pretty impatient and starts blowing on the horn. Uh, and we find out that, uh, through Charlie talking to Scott that Neil might have told each other, it wasn't a Santa Claus anymore.
Speaker: Um, and it's young, like, right. I mean, yeah, he's definitely young. And Scott says that, uh, you know, if we're going to tell Charlie that Santa's not real anymore, or let me be a part of that.
Speaker: But Charlie's kind of overhearing the whole conversation and they are not, co-parenting too well because they just argue all the time and Charlie Carl calls him out for that, which is probably why they divorced in the first place.
Speaker: Probably. ah and then his mom leaves and, uh, he asks her before she goes, if he can, uh, if he has to stay one and two, she can pick him up early.
Speaker: got to get the fuck out here. Ma dad's a little fucking crazy. He's fucking a doll up here that he made you a doll. The doll that he made. Oh, yeah. That makes sense.
Speaker: She does it all. Right. All of it. Cleans up, too. Head. Vaginal. Yeah. Fucking shits on me, too. Like, this is crazy.
Speaker: Does it all. Somebody call Mike Rowe. There's a fucking dirty job going out on over here. I'm a doll fucker. Wow. ah Scott's looking at a cookbook, but he's like, four hours. not doing this shit.
Speaker: So he tries to pull up to some nice ah restaurant he knows, up but they're closed. And they go back home. And we see on a TV this like nice dinner set. And it pans over.
Speaker: And it's Scott just burning the shit out a turkey. i don't know how you let a turkey catch on fire in your home, but I mean, it's kind of crazy, right? He didn't even fry it. He fucking put it in the oven.
Speaker: Like, he must have cranked that shit to like 500 degrees. Dolly was cranking that shit. which Yeah, that's why the turkey burnt. Right. Scott was upstairs getting cranked by Dolly. and Oh, wow.
Speaker: Charlie's just sitting here like, Dad? Dad, think it's turning black. Why it smell like chlorine? What, your jizz doesn't smell like chlorine?
Speaker: No, it smells like jizz. My jizz smells like chlorine a little bit. Really? Yeah. So does that mean you can, like, come into pools? I mean, you're not going to see it if I do. There's too much netting around my nether regions to catch all the fucking jizz.
Speaker: Well, no, I thought you were going to just, like... That's, like, your new your new side gig. How hard Jerking into people's pools. My new side? They pay me to do it? Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: I was going to say, how how long do you think... swims for before it gives like you come in a pool and how like they say like cum or swimmers they swim in the yeah yeah how long do they keep like god damn we haven't found it yet it's just i think they're probably fucking drowning i think they're dead on fucking arrival oh really they gotta be right like they can't there's nothing to what are they swimming in in water You're swimming in the pool. You're swimming in water.
Speaker: No, but it gets in the fucking vagina. i mean, she's wet. She's like a slip and slide, right? i guess. i don't know. I kind of want to Google how long do cum swim for? like Like, they got good lungs on them or like, what are we doing here? all right, here we go. Here we go. Like, I got Michael Phelps swimmers over here. What's going on?
Speaker: It would just be funny, though, if like every pool just had everybody's ever come in a pool ever just doing laps, just still waiting to find that egg. So my exact Google was can cum survive in water? Yeah.
Speaker: Sperm cannot survive long in water. While they might live for a few minutes in plain, warm bath water, it is highly unlikely to result in pregnancy because the water dilutes the semen and the sperm are quickly dispersed.
Speaker: In chlorinated water, like a swimming pool or hot tub or very hot water, sperm will die in seconds. Yeah, but my sperm smells like chlorine, so now what? It's dead on arrival. but It's fucking coming out dead. But if my shit's already part chlorine, I should get a little extra time, no?
Speaker: No, chlorine kills them, I just said. You're not listening to My cum smells like chlorine. My cum is a little bit chlorine. When it goes into a chlorinated pool, it's be like, ah, it's just more chlorine.
Speaker: Well, maybe you're just infertile. I hope so. i don't want kids. ah Yeah. I hope so. I mean, they're just busting women and just nothing's going happen. should put that to the test.
Speaker: Come over later. So anyways, um
Speaker: he fucked up this turkey pretty bad. And then Charlie's like, well, Neil's good at cooking. And Neil's a fucking fuck up. They go to they go to Denny's and Charlie does not like Denny's.
Speaker: um And house are having a party at Denny's. just like fuck It's everybody. They're just all hounds Denny's on Christmas Eve. The whole fucking Ying Dynasty over here. Yeah, all of them. but Yeah. They got a picture of Mao hung up. just fucking... yeah They're all sitting on the floor. Wow. They walk in. Charles is like, Daddy, why you all sitting on the floor for?
Speaker: Why are they sipping tea? But, Daddy, I told you, I don't want Lomain.
Speaker: Why is that guy sticking a chopstick in his dick hole, Dad? Why... Son, that's sounding. Yeah, we'll talk about that later. I'll show you. We got a dirty job. Dick's sounding.
Speaker: Yeah, someone's got to get it if it's stuck, right? Yeah, if it's up that it's stuck. Yeah. Exactly. That's what the blacks say. so Yeah, they do.
Speaker: So I don't really understand how they're out of eggnog and chocolate milk at this fucking Denny's because to the Chinese don't be eating that shit. No. They're also out of apple pie. I mean, the Chinese are not eating that.
Speaker: ah So we cut and Scott's reading to Charlie and he is asleep, quote unquote, and he gets up to leave and Charlie asks about this line from the book that's arose such a clatter.
Speaker: And he's trying to explain to him that a rose is like one word but can also be two words. It's like when you're trying to teach an immigrant English. You know? Same kind of thing. What? I need to put a right around for that? No. Just kidding. Maybe a little. I can literally teach immigrants how to speak English. Fuck you. oh that No, that's good. um I literally do. By the way, I learned like boner. Yeah.
Speaker: Like a boner yeah your dick's like rock hard, like... Garote. It's like garage, but garote. It means you got a hard dick. It can also mean ah it can also mean a large paddle.
Speaker: oh yeah no Whatever you prefer. by all context I also learned this word. got We're going have a segment, What Nick Learned in Spanish this week. I also learned this word, cachonda. That means fucking.
Speaker: oh like means you fucked yeah That means fucking or it means you're horny. Cachonda. Estoy cachonda.
Speaker: I'm horny. I'm horny or I want to fuck. Or I'm fucking. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah. Calls. sos And then I saw a video on TikTok. Shout to that guy. He's like, oh, you know, sometimes you watch Spanish, Spanish ah porn and you're like, yeah, you're used to hearing my gusta, my gusta. And then they throw some word you haven't heard like catch on. But you go, what the fuck was that?
Speaker: I like fucking. I like fucking. I like that. And make no mistake. I 100% did jerk off to Spanish porn last night. Yeah. Well, you got to, right? Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. And then when I knew what she was saying, I just turned it off. You're like, OK, I'm not hard anymore. Yeah. I'm also having a problem. My loads are not very big. Are you jerking off every day? No.
Speaker: Dude, i I literally, I think I jerked off to my slut cousin. Just skip this part. I think I jerked off in the month of November three times. Oh, you almost passed no nut November.
Speaker: Yeah, I was going to try, but then I'm pretty sure I jerked off like on the 1st or like or like like I jerked off Halloween and it was like 12 a.m. So it was November 1st, technically. i was like, fuck! Damn it! So I ended up, I was like, i guess I'm not doing no nu November, but then I just only jerked off two more times. So it's like...
Speaker: i Better than most men. i have a theory my dick is dying. I think it's just giving up. i think we're just I think we're done. Alright, we'll get some string. We'll yeah fucking bound it up. and i think I think my dick is like Earth and Interstellar. It's just a dying planet. and And we need to get off of it. We just gotta yeah make go find new life somewhere else.
Speaker: Need to fucking slingshot me somewhere. Need a dick plant. Yeah, I need... a So if anyone has extra spludes they want to donate or a functioning cock they want to give me, would that make me trans?
Speaker: No. No. He's just dick for dick, right? Yeah. I mean, you're fine. Yeah. It's not like there's going to be a big slit now. Right. Well, anyways, back to this kid.
Speaker: Oh. well
Speaker: Charlie's you know trying to poke holes at how this whole Santa thing works for some kid at school told him Santa's not real um and basically at the end of it like you gotta believe if you believe and if you don't you don't it's just what it is uh and Charlie tells uh Scott to leave cookies out and then Scott is such a great name for a fucking divorced dad Scott yeah for sure for sure a great name uh We cut and you hear a ah clatter on the roof and it's probably Santa. And Charlie runs over to wake up dad and Scott tells him to fuck off. and he's like, no, dude, there's really a noise. And then he hears the noise and he tells Charlie stay in the drum and ask if he can dial 911. He's like, yeah, it's 911.
Speaker: I feel like they really thought they were cooking with that. Probably. joke and It just was like, yeah, man. It was probably their way of like teaching kids how to do it. ah So Scott runs outside in his boxers.
Speaker: And he's like, hey, you. And then that was pretty good. And then wow you you could be Buzz Lightyear. I could um do infinity and my cock. I was going to say my ass. Yeah.
Speaker: No. ah And this Santa falls were off the roof into his front yard. Go ahead. Charlie's like, you fucking killed him.
Speaker: ah And Scott goes look for ID and finds a card that says Santa Claus on it. um And on the back of it, it says, you put the suit on and the reindeer will know what to do.
Speaker: ah And they look up and realize there's a reindeer on the roof. ah They look back down and Santa's body is gone. They're just clothes. He fizzled out.
Speaker: What do you think was going on with this guy that he quit?
Speaker: I think he's dead. He didn't quit. Nah, nah, i don't buy that. You fell off the fucking roof. You got cushioned by snow. You're good. I think he probably broke his back, but he didn't die.
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, that's how I tell him. Maybe his life was just falling apart. Mrs. Claus left him. Bernard was like secretly like fucking his asshole on the side. Like his asshole.
Speaker: Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, Bernard has that power to like just vanish. It's like he could like be going in on a Santa's ass. And then he went, huh? just vanishes. And then he's gone. Or Santa was having like an affair with Bernard. Right. And Mrs. Claus found out.
Speaker: plus
Speaker: He's like, what the fuck is Mrs. Claus's first name? Don't have one, right? He's like fucking Martha. The past 800 years. Yeah. Cosited gay. She's like, who are you fucking?
Speaker: Yeah. Bernard double fist my shit. It's so nice. I'm fucking spread, yo. Yeah. Um, And Bernard gets it, you know? Bernard's like, hey, shake this ball if you need Santa because I shake his balls.
Speaker: Right. what he likes. Fucking balls, bitch. That's all I need. So... Well, you know how, like, they're making it, like, all safe or whatever, the sled at the end? Towards the end? Sure, yeah.
Speaker: Maybe Bernard's, like, option, right? Didn't really go well. Right. Yeah, you get, like, a fucking, like, a dildo or something. just opens. You know, he just kind of sits in there. Yeah. He's not going to move around very good.
Speaker: Or maybe it's like a surprise one. Like you're just sitting on the seat and then it opens and a dildo just gets fucking, wow, sprung upwards into your ass. And then there's just some elf holding it the whole time. And then suddenly he's like crammed like this. He's like, fuck.
Speaker: He's like, Bernard, can't open the door yet? And Bernard's like, wait for it. Wait for it. He's like, no! What the fuck?
Speaker: there's out there's like There's probably like six of them because your daddy needs a big butt plug. and finally yeah One, two, hee-yah! And they all just fucking hoist his boulder in his ass.
Speaker: I don't know, man. Yeah. Yeah. So, that was wild. You got me while I was flying over Kenya this year.
Speaker: Uh, so there's a a ladder appears and Charlie climbs up to the ladder and Scott's like, oh, the Ranger and the sleigh are a gift from the cable ah company.
Speaker: And he's trying to tell Charlie to get out of the sled and he's like, let's go. Which cue the reindeer to take off. So there's some really fucking horrible CGI in this. Yeah, it's 94. 94. then, like, I like, you know, the reindeer. They look like animatronics or something. Puppets or something. You think Comet was an animatronic or was a real life fucking deer?
Speaker: That was no deer. No, it was a real deer? Yeah. I don't know. It looked he looked real as fuck to me. But props them for using animatronics. Yeah. They motherfucking motherfucking comet fucking Cupid.
Speaker: They land on another house and Charlie's like, you got to go in the house, bro. And ah Scott doesn't want to do it. And he's like, this is all fucking stupid. And Charles, like, how can you think everything I say is stupid? and It's like, bro, shut up. You're for.
Speaker: ah And then Scott's like, God damn it, I guess I gotta to be a parent. And it's also like, yeah, you probably should put the suit on a because you're literally in your boxers riding in a sled with a random kid. Well, it's not a random kid. It's a son, but that doesn't make it even any better. No, it doesn't. And ah so he grabs this... He puts the suit on, he grabs Santa's bag, Santa's fucking sack. It's a nice maroon. Like, normally...
Speaker: All the Santa costumes are like bright red. She wants a nice velvety maroon. I like that. I actually agree with that. ah So he grabs the bag and the bag makes him float and they plop into the chimney.
Speaker: And this dog comes in, starts barking at Scott and he tries to escape through the window, which sets the alarm off and then gets sucked back up the ah the chimney again. The guy starts fucking shooting at him.
Speaker: i didn't i heard I heard a guy be like, who's there? That's all I... Who's getting shot? There's some like gunshots. He even tells Bernard or later. He's like, yo, i was getting fucking shot. I heard him say that he was getting shot, and I just didn't see it in the in the join.
Speaker: ah They land in the next house, and the bag is empty, but Comet's giving them the evil eye about like getting the fucking house, bro. And he's like, bro, there's nothing in there. uh, sex empty comet.
Speaker: There's mad. I can't fuck you again. ah ah I need a recharge. Oh man. no fucking i was infertile Oh boy.
Speaker: I need a recharge. You retard. um Is it in the second one? Comment? Like kind of like a retard. Like he's like the dumb fucking reindeer. He's like, uh,
Speaker: ah And then magically the the sack refills. And there is no actual chimney, but he gets sucked through his fucking tight little hole.
Speaker: um And he hits his head on the way down. And this little girl, I think her name is Sarah, wakes up. And she's like, Santa? And he's like, no, I'm Scott Calvin. Jerk off.
Speaker: And she keeps asking the question. He's like, look, do you fucking want this doll or not? And I get pissed off at her. He she tells him to drink the milk and he's like, lactose intolerant.
Speaker: Yeah. and And he gets sucked back up the chimney and disappears. The next house he's at he delivers a canoe and it fall over and he's like, fuck this shit. Uh, and then they're in the sled and there's a dog.
Speaker: Santa's delivering fucking animals. Somebody called PETA. yeah Yeah, Charlie's getting fucking licked off by this dog. Hey, yo. Santa's sled. Hey.
Speaker: Uh... They finished delivering the toys and the land in the middle of fucking nowhere and the reindeer leave. And this, uh, I mean, yeah, Disney was on some fucking shit back in the day. This fucking little kid's spitting on his hands, pulling poles out of the ground. Like, what are we doing?
Speaker: but like Like, literally, what are we doing? They give Santa, like, the fucking, like, the eye. Like, the eye. Like, he literally fucking hawked to it on his hand and was just like... Just fucking... That's crazy, bro.
Speaker: Starts punching a code and he's like, watch out, Santa. Yeah, but, like, you can say that we're fucked up, like, why you little kid spitting on his hands for any reason? Right. Who's Santa?
Speaker: yeah Yeah. He's like, hey. but i ah Watch out. Yeah, you better watch out. Yeah. Yeah. So he puts in some fucking code and they descend below the surface.
Speaker: ah And Scott's trying to figure out what the fuck's going on by talking one of these elves. And then he meets Bernard. And Bernard's like, you're Santa, bro. That's what's going on. Just fucking accept it.
Speaker: Yep. Yep. ah And he's like, can I get you a drink? And he's like, no. And then Charlie walks over and says that he's hungry. ah So Scott introduces Charlie to Bernard. And instead of Bernard getting Charlie some food, he goes, here's a snow globe.
Speaker: You're hungry? Chew on this fucking glass, bitch. what what are you talking about? It's either glass or my cock's not, kid. You choose. don't know. And also, what the fuck is Bernard's fucking deal?
Speaker: Why does he have dreads and look like a fucking Rastafarian, but he's white? you And then he talks with a Jersey accent. Like, what are we doing? He's like, you ever need Santa, just shake this ball. Who talks like that and has dreads? I don't know. Bite the fucking globe. Yeah, it's I mean, it's silly. Yeah. um But he he done he with it i I just think it's just, which you gotta pick your culture, brother. Which one are you?
Speaker: Like, it's just, what the fuck is even happening? Uh, it's a big bumble clot with this one. Yeah. Scott's going to get a fucking blood clot when he starts gate away.
Speaker: Bernard sends Larry to go feed Charlie. Wow. naard to yeah yeah I'm not going to describe what I did. So you're like baby birding him. Okay. Well, I didn't want to say anything, so it could just be funny. We went to cut it. Okay.
Speaker: ah Bernard and Scott walked through the factory and Scott is like, yeah, not Santa, bro. He's like, nah, you are. You read the car and accepted the clause, the Santa clause, which blew your mind just like a blue Scott's mind.
Speaker: i mean, i didn I never realized why the E was like tilted on the cover. Yeah. I mean, my cock's little tilted to the left, I hope. I think so. I think it's to the right sometimes.
Speaker: Sometimes. And he's, and Scott doesn't understand. He's like, i'm not Santa Claus. It's like, you accepted the Santa Claus. And he's like, what are you talking about? He's like, read the fine print. He put the suit on. He read the card. He assumed the duties of Santa. You are now Santa, bro. It's what it is.
Speaker: You're the fucking fat man. Yeah. Not Mel. Uh,
Speaker: Bernard starts yelling at him and then ah everybody starts looking and then he calmly is like, look, man, you got 11 months to figure this shit out and you're due back by Thanksgiving and I'll send you the list.
Speaker: What list? Epstein's list. Yeah, that's where they are. They're in fucking Epstein's workshop right now. And he's like, bro, listen, the all the kids that want Epstein on, you got deliver double to, okay? you can't You can't forget those kids. They got fucking raped by thousands of men. Right, yeah. Bill Clinton included.
Speaker: Right. ah When he wasn't jerking off Trump. Right. Which way was it? It was probably reciprocal. It was probably both. I don't even think he he was sucking them. Trump was sucking them.
Speaker: Oh, wow. ah Wow, Bill. It's huge. Bill Clinton, biggest dick. The greatest dick. Biggest dick. Greatest dick I've ever seen, honestly. Yeah. um Scott asks what will happen. Bernard.
Speaker: I've known Bernard for probably over 50 years now. Bernard's got... I know he's white. He kind of looks like a Rasta, but he's got the dick of a black guy. I promise. Biggest dick.
Speaker: Talks like a Republican. I like that. yep Scott asks what happens if he chooses not to believe. And Bernard tells me to be disappointing millions of children and killing the spirit of Christmas. Oh, no. ah What are we going to do So now is when I texted you. And I mean, this is just wildly inappropriate. And we're going to make jokes. And if you don't like it, I just don't care. They made the movie this way. It's not my fault. Yeah, go at Disney.
Speaker: So Judy walks over and she's, uh, what? It's Judy. That's her name, right? I know. It's it's fucking big booty Judy over here. It's not Judge Judy. No, but Judge Judy can low-key get fucking rich. Not even low-key. She's rich as fuck. I'm trying to get up in there. Yeah. I'm trying to get some fucking inheritance. You know what I'm talking about? Fucking bang that fucking mallet on me. You know what mean? Yeah, I like that. Sentence me to death.
Speaker: Sentence me to a fucking pegging. ah And her job is to take Santa's suit off and clean it. ah Because Bernard insists. Bernard is like that, like that, ah like Dennis in Split. He's like, take it's very dirty. Take it off. Very dirty. Take it off. Like, he just keeps saying that.
Speaker: Like, fucking Bernard wants to jerk off in the corner, judy ah undressing fucking Scott. yeah He's like, yo, I can see fucking Timmy Allen. Peace.
Speaker: He's got that fucking screwdriver on him. You can't see Santa's red nose. Oh, wow. ah um So, to be fair, she she gives Scotza pajamas that say SC on there.
Speaker: And she does leave the room and let him you know change and privacy. But the rest of the fucking elves were straight goon into him changing. They were. They were just looking in the fucking windows. Yeah. i Hey, why does this safe why's it say SC for small cock?
Speaker: Okay. I don't know why You're giving fucking cocoa, but I'm trying to stick it in your fucking cocoa hole. I don't know why that got me so hard, but.
Speaker: Yeah. i got you i don't, I don't know, man. i mean, warm paws got you harder than I've seen anything ever get you. That's true. The opposite of cold plays. Literally warm paws got you. That's crazy, dude. Fucking awesome.
Speaker: So she comes back with some, uh, hot cocoa and uh, I honestly really despise people who call it hot cocoa. It kind of bothers me to no extent. think it's hot chocolate.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It is. Yeah, I just like, i hate that. It's not too warm. It's not too hot. Like, it sounds like you live in a Hallmark store. Like, just don't. Why? oh my. du Speaking of that.
Speaker: You know Hallmark now is a cruise, a Christmas cruise that you can go on? Yeah, mean, talk about that. That's crazy. This is some of the most faggy things I've ever heard. Yeah, that's wild. I asked my dad. I was like, yo, you going? He's like, well, it's like $4,000. Yeah, I don't think Glenn's got four grand to go on a Christmas cruise for go Christmas cruise.
Speaker: And then i I mean, when your dad came back, I'd be like, dad, are you gay? He's like, well, I learned a lot about myself on this trip. Oh, wow. I like men. Yeah. God damn. Oh, man. This is Len. He likes men.
Speaker: Yeah. I told him to cut the cable and he was very worried that he wouldn't have Hallmark. Like not pay for cable anymore? Yeah. I was like, why don't you just like stream everything? Yeah. cheaper in the long run. and YouTube works.
Speaker: He's like, well, I need i need Hallmark. That's crazy. That's the wildest thing I've ever i heard anybody say. Literally, the only thing he watches is football and Hallmark. So he's like polar opposites. He's really fucking gay. North Pole.
Speaker: And then he's also really fucking gay because he watches, you know, men. But he's served our country. Shout to him. Shout to Mr. Futterman. That's true. So this hot chocolate she made took her 1,200 years to get it right, you know? And she's just sitting there. And she's just sitting there, I'm sorry, just like smirking at him, you know?
Speaker: I mean, she wants it. she i She's giving him the fuck me eyes big. And Scott even says that she looks good for her age, but she's dating some guy and rapping. Hey, fuck that guy and rapping and rap me up.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm fucking the big man himself. oh Yeah, it's like, yeah, do you want to have benefits here do you want to not? Yeah, you want to fucking unionize or what? Suck this cock, bitch.
Speaker: It's like, I don't know what the hierarchy of elves are in this world, but like, do you want to be fucking top elf? You better start taking some tips from Bernard. Yeah. Bernard knows how I like my asshole licked, all right? Yeah. Write this down. You fucking bring me some hot chocolate. Get the fuck out here. Lick my ass, bitch. Start to there.
Speaker: but Like, what are you talking about? High chocolate. Well, she's got to be high up on the list, though. To be bringing Santa chocolate pajamas? Well, that, and, like, she's talking to him on the little fucking device later on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fair.
Speaker: She's probably, like, second tier. Yeah. I mean, she's probably just sitting there, and she's just like, look, i we just need to get Bernard out of the picture. He's like, no, i not Bernard. Then she just grabs his fucking balls, and he's like, all right.
Speaker: Oh, okay. Also, she's right. I mean, she's fucking... eye level know what you i mean oh yeah she can fucking go to town anytime she got the perfect yeah i mean it's crazy i mean he we were talking about in that episode about keeping horns while going triple h's pants he could literally fit her in his pants i mean that's what's up you know yeah like that's what talking about my son's name no i'm not want to hear this want hear i'll pause the recording i will i'll pause it no um
Speaker: So anyways, he looks, yeah, he said she looks good for rage, but she's seen someone rapping. That was fucking very strange. Yeah. um And then there's whole... He's where i got that South Pole. I got that fucking North Pole.
Speaker: know what mean? Yeah. Yeah, it's North. This shit's inverted. Yeah, that South Pole fucking dick believes in slavery. i don't. I don't. I'm the North. I have a dream that all elves... We'll be created equal. All right. have a dream of all L's will suck this dick. You know what mean?
Speaker: Yeah. oh you want a promotion? Oh, you don't like working on the fucking dollhouses? Time to suck on the candy cane. Yeah. You want to fucking move up to the fucking cars? Yeah. right.
Speaker: Fucking blow my motor. You think you can be built on Barbie toys? i stick those in my ass. Yeah. They're not ready. You to start fucking oiling my piston. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, you want a raise? but You got to be on that naughty list. yeah ah I just thought, so it's just like, she's like, he's sitting there and Judy walks over. He's like, Judy, it's been a great a great asset to the ELF community, the ELF community. He's like, what can I do for you for chris for Christmas? She just goes, I'm like,
Speaker: want to peg you he's like what you want to do what yeah get your ass out here we gotta uh we gotta open up a fucking spencer's in the north pole now but santa if i peg you it would look really good for the elf plus community yeah you know yeah elfs plus And he goes, look, yeah, I love the ELFs, man. like they're my they're Those are my guys, you know?
Speaker: Yeah. they i one I don't know if I want to join them. Like, I fuck with them. But, like, I ain't part of that community, you know? I'm full. Oh, yeah, he is. I'm a fucking built boy, you know what mean? Yeah.
Speaker: Um, so I can't get past this line that she's seeing someone her age, but, or what are her, her, she's seeing someone in rapping. And then she telling him like, you know, believing is seeing, not seeing is believing. So I don't know. pull it down if you're fucking big, huh? want to see it. know what mean? Talk all this fucking big game, Santa. Yeah. Where's it at?
Speaker: Huh? Scott. Huh? ah
Speaker: Oh, big dick Scott. Yeah. Where's it
Speaker: Where's your fucking cock at?
Speaker: It's not be too good if your fucking wife left you. yeah I know needles fry fucking packing that shit. Yeah. Yeah. That's I mean, but I look so big in my little elf hands.
Speaker: Oh, no. a soof dely How many elves you think he needs to jerk his shit? That's crazy. like oh Probably at least four. like Four of them. Single file hands up like this.
Speaker: but and They're just standing there like this, right? He starts fucking their hands. Fucking their hands.
Speaker: Here comes the Ig-Nog.
Speaker: That's fucking insane. oh It's a the ah crazy visual. ah Yeah. it's like It's like when you go see like, a what's that shit?
Speaker: Niagara Falls and they like give you the free punch that comes with it until you get wet. They walk in, they all grab a poncho, and they're just like...
Speaker: Yeah, come on, a little more spit, a little more spit. Dude, that's Bernard's where Bernard is. They're just fucking spraying lube
Speaker: Santa, I'm out of spit. the Well, fucking take some out of her mouth. Santa, I need more spit for Christmas. Oh, wow.
Speaker: Four elves just holding this fucking... Just fucking it.
Speaker: Yeah. Okay, so that's crazy. Hey, at least that one can stay. i don't know. He's convinced that believing is seeing or whatever. And he goes to bed like all fucking giggly with his son, which is just fucking strange. Yeah, because he just got a fucking. Yeah. of He had a force or five. Some with some fucking elf hands. Yeah. And then he's fucking like rubbing his cheek like you up. Like it's just fucking weird. just Fucking weird, dude. I didn't like it.
Speaker: ah ah And he wakes up the next day at home and he's still wearing the SC small cock pajamas. And he runs outside to it was all real. And Charlie's inside opening gifts and Laura pulls up and asks him where he got those pajamas at. And he's like, I actually have no idea. All I remember is was fucking four L's.
Speaker: Scott. Laura, I was getting the craziest hand job you could ever fucking imagine. ever I had eight hands on my shit.
Speaker: Like, ugh. bro I'm just kind of like laying there, kind of like fucking gyrating up and down a little bit. You know what I going crazy. mean, you could, you could really make it a six man thing and have two elves a allowed to each ball. you know i mean like just like it Like they're trying to hold the fucking medicine ball. it's like ah i got fucking Bernard over in the cuck chair. He's fucking yeah like starting to rub his shit. He's keeping things wet.
Speaker: Yeah. He starts stroking his shit, but um I keep calling him over. He needs to fucking on my shit, you know? Yeah. Getting dry over here. Yeah, I'm getting a rug burn on my cock. know, I'm in the North Pole. This shit needs to be wet.
Speaker: Yeah. Get some fucking snow. Melt that shit. Yeah. ah so Don't worry. Charlie was in the next room over. No, Charlie was actually the bed right behind us asleep.
Speaker: Oh, okay. Hey, you want to recreate a Serbian film, kid? No.
Speaker: I know the perfect sex tape to give your mother for Christmas. I know i know i know a bunch of Serbians on a naughty list this year we can bring in to help us shoot it
Speaker: ah My boy Milos got it good. Yeah. Oh, wow. Milos. I couldn't remember his fucking name. So um Charlie tells Laura about their whole experience and she sends Charlie to the car um and Scott tells her, hey, he just had a weird dream. You know, it he'll yeah ahll be fine. It's just wasn't actually getting stroked off by four elves. That didn't actually happen. No, no, no. Yeah.
Speaker: Why was our son dreaming about that? The kid's disturbed. Kids say the wildest things, Laura. You know, hes you got, well, 1994, not yet. I was going to say had the internet, but it's, nope, there's no internet.
Speaker: He's got the Hub magazine, you know? Yeah. So he's sitting there thinking he runs outside and he's talking with Charlie. He's like, yeah, dude, that fucking really happened. And Neil is also there. He's like, what?
Speaker: And he's like, yeah, and Judy, you remember Judy, your fucking, your side piece, Judy? He's like, no, dude, Judy was the waitress. He's like, shit and Laura's like, oh, Judy gave you the pajamas, huh? A waitress gave you, pun oh, a Denny's waitress gave you pajamas that say small cock?
Speaker: And he's like, hey, man. Yeah. It's like, hey, we get it. You left me. I get it. I'm down bad, all right I'm fucking the bitch at Denny's. Yeah. Yeah. We cut to it's a show and tell, bring your parent to work kind of thing. Do people do this anymore?
Speaker: I don't think so. I mean, I remember like in elementary school, we had like grandparents day. That was cool. I don't think i ever had that. No. Bro, my grandma, I was fucking proud as shit. Yo, there's my grandma right here. And she's like, i don't want to be here. I'm like, well, that's fucked up. Yeah.
Speaker: I want to watch MASH. It's like I fucking survived the Holocaust to sit here.
Speaker: that little wow I mean, my grandma was born in 32, but she wasn't Jewish. No, I know. i'm just like, if there was a, yeah. um So this is Fireman O'Hara talking about third degree burns. He's clearly traumatized from some shit.
Speaker: ah and definitely needs therapy big. And Charlie brings up, he wanted, he was going to bring up Neil, but he decides to bring up Scott. He wants Scott.
Speaker: The teacher really reminded me of someone. Okay. And I think it was the fucking aunt from Sleepaway Camp. I don't remember Sleepaway Camp enough to confirm or deny that one. Oh, the one that was like, hey, going to make you trans.
Speaker: Oh. Well, then maybe, yeah. yeah Possibly. ah And Charlie, with full confidence, gets up and tells all these kids and adults that his dad's Santa.
Speaker: And he tells the whole story again. So we've now heard Charlie tell the story three times in the past, like, ten minutes. And Scott corrects him and says that he works for a marketing company.
Speaker: um And elves come up, and the teacher's like, they're not elves. We call them little people. political correctness in 94 that's kind of crazy yeah i just thought they would be like they're midgets yeah yeah they're just midgets um so this one kid in the class all right yeah this one kid in the class he's like let me get this straight if i push your fucking bitch ass off a roof i'm santa which was funny
Speaker: Yeah. Kid's got a point. Yeah. ah And then it cuts to the principal's off with Scott, Laura, and Neil. And the principal's a non-mean who has a ball, hey? Probably got fat booty. I ain't going to lie.
Speaker: um And Neil's like, look, principal, I'm a psychiatrist. I wear faggy sweaters. Let me take care of this. because I make literally no money in my profession. So I'm just going to try it right now.
Speaker: Uh, and Neil asked Scott what they did last night, meaning Scott and Charlie. And he's like, you know, we have a little sugar, little cocaine, brown liquor and look for women.
Speaker: No big deal. you know what I mean? Fucked eight of them. like You know, you know, I'm an eight time hand fucking champion over here. Yeah. Uh,
Speaker: ah And the principal's basically look, you gotta get Charlie not to believe that this fucking thing is it exists, that you're Santa. Like, you got you gotta cut the shit out. We cut to Scott and Charlie watching a polar bear. where What places still have polar bears?
Speaker: Do zoos have... They still have polar bears around? They do, yeah. I mean, that's really the only way they can survive.
Speaker: Sorry. Sorry. Well, it's like we had to send all the pandas back to China. That's fucked up. Yeah. or you will no haboda Do you think it was a trade? Like, hey, we'll give you all the pandas and you stop eating the dogs. You you send the dogs over here. We'll take the dogs and you keep the pandas.
Speaker: I hope so. Because we care. ah We cut. So they're watching a polar bear and Scott's trying to tell Charlie that, you know none of this is actually happened. He's like, no, that definitely fucking happened, bro.
Speaker: And then what was this about? They're walking the park and there's just reindeer following them. Yeah, and some little kid chasing the reindeer. i don't I don't get it. I didn't get it. Yeah. We cut to Laura who finds Charlie playing in his room, and he's pretending like the chairs are reindeer. This was super gay. This was mega gay.
Speaker: i mean, I was a loser kid. I never fucking did this. That's true. This is mega, mega gay. Were you a loser teenager who did this? i mean, you knew me as a teenager. I was a fucking loser, but I also still didn't do this.
Speaker: But you also believed in Santa. Tall is about 14. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. um well I'm not judging. I'm i'm happy for you. No, you know, it's it's it is a bit silly.
Speaker: And I pray any child who still believes in Santa does not listen this podcast. So they're probably not going to find this out. Like what what do think a good age? Like 10? Yeah. i Well, I thought 14. But but i don't know how you like lasted that long without someone like saying it in school.
Speaker: I didn't have... I was a loser. I guess, yeah. Had no friends. Literally had no friends. He had me. Eventually. the time I met you, I already knew the truth.
Speaker: Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. So, I mean... when i I'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure if when we met... and where we were both at in life, and I looked at you and we're like and I was like, so what's Santa get you? You'd be like, I'm not fucking talking to this kid.
Speaker: You fucking think Santa brought him gifts, this fucking idiot? Yeah, was kind of a dickhead back then. Yeah, I mean, it's what it is. ah But, like, if when I have kids, yeah I don't want it to get spoiled, you know?
Speaker: I feel like that's, like, you know, I'm big on, like, celebrating Christmas, so that's got to be... A little bit. I mean, I know once they go to school, it's fucked for sure in today's age.
Speaker: Yeah. The thing is, like, are you going tell me about some fucking dickhead at school? Tell him.
Speaker: I should tell him before they go to school, huh? Well, not school like mills, like fifth grade, maybe fourth grade. Maybe you tell him. I don't know. Yeah. I have no idea, honestly. I genuinely, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker: I found out myself. I feel like that's the best way. Find out yourself. Yeah, I found out because my aunt asked me to help wrap gifts for my younger cousins. You were like, yeah, what the fuck is this? I was still sitting, I was still there, I was still there with my cousins who were like probably seven and eight and the three of us were all like, oh, Santa's coming to tomorrow, I'm 14.
Speaker: that's fucking wild Wait, did your sister know before you sister has been telling me that my sister claims that she's been trying to had been trying to tell me a lot that he wasn't real.
Speaker: Wow. And I was like, nah, bro, you're fucking wrong. And then i I mean, shout to my dad, but I would ask my dad, I'd be like, yo, what's the fucking deal? be Like, he's like, if you believe you believe that's what you would tell me.
Speaker: I mean, he's not, you know, Yeah. So, you know, I yeah though right like chose to believe and that's what it is. I mean, yeah, but like, like they say in this movie, Santa's kind of like an idea, you know, he's like, he's a, you know, it's a construct.
Speaker: Yeah. So anyways, now we just ruined it because we talked about him fucking elf hands. Sorry. Now we talk about Tim Allen doing that. oh Not Santa. Okay. It was Tim Allen. Scott. It wasn't Santa. It was Scott. Yeah. He's not, I don't call him Santa in this boot and this scene by scene. He's Scott the whole time. Yeah.
Speaker: Uh, so Laura and Neil think, tell Scott, i think it's best that him and Charlie don't spend time together anymore. But then we see Scott walking with Charlie in the park, telling him that keep it a secret.
Speaker: I mean, I would keep the elf fucking secret too. Oh well yeah. Yeah. So you can't tell mom that I'm fucking little people. Little 1,200-year-old people. Yeah. Can't tell him that.
Speaker: And he bribes them five bucks keep it a secret. We cut to the next day, and Scott awakens fat as fuck with a beard. And he arrives late to a staff meeting in sweatpants, and he tells them all was a bee sting.
Speaker: They order – yeah. They order lunch, and he orders basically just all desserts and a glass of milk. ah And then a guy in the meeting pitches this TV spot for tank TV tanks.
Speaker: um And he has like this drawing board and it's like Santa in a tank with elves. And he's like, Scott has issue with the way the elves look and that Santa's in a tank and needs to slay.
Speaker: So they, mean, I got fucked with it. They also kind of shit on the tank saying like, you know, it has 10,000 parts and you have to always buy new ones that breaks. You fuck with sand in the tank.
Speaker: Yeah. That's cool. Shit. You know, there's a movie out there. I forget what it's called, but Goldberg plays Santa. And like fucking beats the fuck out of people.
Speaker: Now that's something we should do next year. 100%. I've never heard, I've never seen it though. So it's probably horrible. Bill Goldberg? Yeah. The one and only.
Speaker: Santa's Slay. 2005 horror comedy.
Speaker: This time is up. So Santa goes back to being bad by killing as many people as he can. After a millennium of spreading Christmas joy due to losing a bet with an angel, Santa Claus reverses his demonic self and gives the gift of evil and fear.
Speaker: Hell yeah. i mean, I'm down to do this. it's go like hor It's probably shit. It's probably like mean one. like It's on Tubi. Oh yeah, it's bad. But yeah. yeah Fucking Goldberg. He's got to give someone a spear and a jackhammer.
Speaker: For real. Okay, so...
Speaker: Scott's boss has to talk to him outside and he tells that he looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy. And we then cut to ah Scott running on a treadmill and he's fatter and he has whiter, longer hair in the doctor's office.
Speaker: And the doctor checks his pulse and says it's great. And he said he's very healthy, but Scott gained 45 pounds in a week. That's concerning. And he's like, what's your diet? And he's like, it's milk and cookies.
Speaker: And he's like, well, you know, maybe don't do that. Uh, then he asked about facial hair growing back too fast. Um, and then the doctor listens to his heart and it has like a weird rhythm, but nothing ever happens with that.
Speaker: Uh, we cut to Scott watching Charlie's soccer game and his little girl just walks over to him and she's like, I want ballet slippers, fat man. Like this is very concerning. Like yeah stranger danger, like kids just pulling up and sitting on your lap. Like wild.
Speaker: It's a dream come true for some, but not for most. Not for most. Not for most. Not for most. ah Laura and Neil pull up and Scott's got a fucking line of kids. He's like, it's just get the fucking elves.
Speaker: Yeah. Just fucking waiting to fucking sit on Santa. You know what I mean? Hey, yo. We cut and Scott receives a delivery. It's ah it's the list, the naughty and nice list.
Speaker: And it it was funny. He was like Ahmed or like some random ass like Middle Eastern. and He was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys got the wrong fucking house. That shit was hilarious. You guys gave me the fucking call list for the fucking Al-Qaeda line. What are we doing in here?
Speaker: Yeah. well This is the Allah list, not the Santa list. Yeah. Guys, I can't fucking read Arabic. Yeah.
Speaker: So... I can give dogs, not goats. Goats? You're fucking goat? ah
Speaker: We cut, and Laura is pissed, and then it cuts to Scott, and he's walking down the streets, seeing if kids are naughty and nice, and there's one little fucking bad bitch who's nice. Yeah. She's grown, by way, and a full-ass adult. She's like, in your dreams, Sleigh Boy. calls him Sleigh Boy. Ooh.
Speaker: Yeah. Sleigh Boy's definitely a fag name, too, no? Sleigh Boy? fuck. Yeah. We cut and see Scott trying to shave his face, but the hair just grows right back. It's never ending.
Speaker: And then we see Charlie talking to a a judge and the judge looks and like I'll just be a minute. yeah just Charlie you ever had seven minutes in heaven. Yeah.
Speaker: ah So then Laura and Neil are waiting for them to be done. And Laura's like, I'm having doubts about taking Scott's visitation rights away. And Neil's like, yeah, fuck that guy, dude. He's out of his mind. And then Laura recounts riding to Santa at Charlie's age when she really wanted a toy that no one remembers called the mystery date. It's like, dude, no one remembers that fucking toy for a reason.
Speaker: Yeah. ah And Neil's toy he never got was the Oscar Mayer wiener whistle. Which is just crazy, dude. i My fucking Oscar Mayer wiener whistle. You can blow on that shit as hard as you want, baby.
Speaker: the end of the movie, it's like a real thing. like But the funniest part is that he wanted a fucking wiener whistle in his mouth at three years old. That's crazy. He already knew he was a flamer. Yeah.
Speaker: He's like, look at sweaters. I'm trying to blow Oscar Mayer himself. I mean, that fucking wiener whistle is the size of an elf cock. Let's be honest. I mean, that's true. Yeah.
Speaker: Yo, you know how many fucking elf cocks you can suck at once? I mean. That's crazy. Scott comes arrives and Charlie says that he told the judge everything. like oh good That was supposed to be a secret, dude. What the fuck, man?
Speaker: Yeah, and the judge like, you know, in light of all this, yeah no more visitation. yeah I know. yeah Chris Hansen's waiting outside. Oh, yeah, not going to press charges, but ah this is this i want be crazy. do Yeah, Mr. Calvin, this is out of you're out of control.
Speaker: You need help. ah Scott then goes to lauren ah i wrote scott goes to Laura and Scott's house. Scott goes to Laura and Neil's house.
Speaker: Uh, with, and Charlie's there and insists that, uh, Charlie insists that Scott is Santa and he hands him the snow globe. Uh, then Scott asks for a minute alone with Charlie and, uh, Charlie wants to go with him in the sleigh, but Scott tells it's better if you just stay here.
Speaker: And this is when Bernard appears. Um, and they're like, is, is Charlie coming or not? Uh, and then Laura enters the room and they're all just gone.
Speaker: So we cut to a police meeting and they're all looking for a guy who looks like Santa, which is just amusing to everybody. I mean, like, I guess, yeah, it is kidnapping.
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, especially if you don't have any, if you do not have custody of your child and you just take them. It's, I guess. Yeah. That's bad. Yeah. Great. And then from here down as I say here down because of the notes, but like from this point forward in the movie, it's a lot of it's super duper cringe to me.
Speaker: Like very cringe. ah We cut to this sleigh and there's this guy. there's just I mean, he's literally fucking trans. Quentin? Yeah. I mean, he's trans before trans.
Speaker: And what kind of accent is this? Maybe Scottish. Something like that. Something over there. do ah Scottish. Yeah. Lossie.
Speaker: He sounds like a fucking jerk. me the Aussie. um Him and Charlie are developing defense improvements, I guess. sand who's Who's fucking shooting RPGs in la da Santa? This isn't fucking ah the Fat Man movie. He's not getting shot.
Speaker: um Charlie calls his mom and the police are at the are at Laura's house. and But he's he's not on the phone long enough track the call. We then see the fireproof suit. This is like that fucking scene in Incredibles.
Speaker: Yeah, it really is. ah And then there's a montage of Scott getting ready to fucking stupid dance while they're walking. i don't know what that was about. Gay as fuck. Like the movie see like kind like quote unquote serious up until this part. And you're like, what are we doing?
Speaker: And then there's cops just erect arresting fake mall cop Santas, which was funny. Yeah. And there's the lineup. You got to think about that, right? Like all the mall Santas, like half of them probably criminals, right? Probably. They're not great people. Yeah, definitely not good people. oh There's that fucking lineup of fake Santas and Laura's like, its none of them.
Speaker: It's like a serious moment. I think know husband. Ex-husband. Yeah. Yeah. We cut to the sleigh and Charlie made some bullshit improvements nobody cares about.
Speaker: ah But there is a mic in the ball of his hat, which I guess is useful. Right. um So Santa makes a visit to that girl from last year. And he's obviously substantially nicer. And she says he got fat.
Speaker: Uh, she even soy milk this year, which he doesn't like because he said last year he was lactose intolerant. Remember that? I mean, Hey, she remembered. So like, you should be happy. Yeah. But fuck soy milk.
Speaker: Uh, Scott and Charlie pull up to Neil Laura's house and Scott's delivering gifts and he literally gets arrested. Like, why would you go to their house? You know, the cops are going to be fucking scouting the house out. But also, like, he's Santa. He has, like, magic abilities and he's getting fucking arrested.
Speaker: Can he, like, apparate? Yeah. Yeah. hard yeah Or, right, who is he giving gifts to? Charlie? Just fucking hand it to him. You know what mean? and then And then at the end of the movie, he drops gifts to, he drops the weenie whistle and that mystery date gift at at the end of the movie.
Speaker: So what the fuck are doing in their house? ah You fucking jerk off. You fucking jerking off on their tree? Like, what are you doing? Yeah, I'll give you some fucking fake snow. Yeah. So kids in the neighborhood see Santa get a arrested. Bad luck.
Speaker: And, uh, it's kind of funny though. They're like, where oh where's Charlie? And he's just on the roof. ah Judy tells Bernard, Santa.
Speaker: He's unresponsive. I sat on his face for too long. Can't breathe. Can't breathe. So they have to deploy the ELF. Because you can't peg Santa into unconsciousness. not okay. Yeah. ah We cut to Scott was getting interrogated. And this guy is like, when I say your name, you say Scott Calvin. And he gives all these iterations of names.
Speaker: um The ELF visit Charlie on the roof and he's afraid. And he's like, who do you think these people are? They have pointy ears and jetpacks. What the fuck are we talking about? You think they're here to harm you?
Speaker: They're clearly elves, buddy. Yeah. You know, your dad's their boss. Yeah.
Speaker: ah He's like, don't worry. each other We struck your dad off constantly. Yeah. Don't worry. a Great cock on him. but We're on the nice list. Yeah. The ELF take Charlie off the roof and the officer parked outside kind of sees they kind of don't.
Speaker: Uh, they, then they go to the police station and say they're there to save Santa and they tie up his police officer. Kinky. But like, cause like they, it's kind of like their cock. It is coming out of their cock. It's like straight up.
Speaker: Yeah. It's like the lightsabers in, uh, uh, space balls. You're right. Exactly. Uh,
Speaker: So they free ah they free Scott, and then their next decision is, let's go back to Neil and Laura's house. Like, what are we doing? i literally wrote, what are we doing? That's what I call that was what i wrote.
Speaker: How about you finish giving all the gifts? Oh, yeah. Yep. Yep. um Wow. I mean, oh, wow. That's a lot Okay. That's, yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. so I mean...
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. or Where is he at? um And they see Scott. Everybody's in the same room. Scott, Charlie, Laura, Neil.
Speaker: And I don't know what happened, but I think they just look in his eyes and they go, Santa? Yeah. look Out of nowhere. Laura's like, oh my God, you're Santa.
Speaker: So gay. And then Neil's like, Scott. And he's like, Santa? He's like, no, no, no. i can't It can't be. It can't be. He's making us believe his psychosis.
Speaker: Fucking idiot. Shut the fuck up. ah Laura burns the custody papers. And this point, you think the fucking movie's going to end like six times, and it doesn't. um Bernard tells... ah Bernard tells Scott to shek shake shake Scott's ball.
Speaker: yeah I wrote, Bernard tells him to shake his ball whenever he needs dad.
Speaker: True, though. Yeah, shake your ball whenever you need dad um The police show up with along with the whole neighborhood. And Laura comes out and says there's no need. And then Santa takes off and literally does three laps. is not It's ridiculous.
Speaker: He fucking drops the bombs on him. Yeah, just saying the N-word. Just drops the fucking wiener whistle into his mouth. Yeah, to fucking...
Speaker: Herb's mouth. Herb. Yeah. Yeah. Neil or fuck his name is. And he gives Laura the mystery date toy, which looks fucking gay. and then Charlie, we cut and it's still in front of the house and no one's there besides Charlie. And he's shaking his ball. It's like, dad.
Speaker: what yeah And then dad shows up and gives Charlie the fucking a ride of his life. Yeah, he does.
Speaker: o That's the end of the movie. Yeah. Man, I love when movies end with fucking child abuse. Oh, wow. Before timing with the button.
Speaker: Yeah, great. This movie doesn't hold up, man. This is a rough one. i i But I really like the first 37 minutes of it.
Speaker: Yeah, when he's like... like Literally, to like when i got to when I text you about that one part, like after that, I was like, I'm out on this movie. it just kind of gets boring. Really boring, really repetitive, and it's only 94 minutes.
Speaker: Yeah, shouldn't be. i might have to hit this with that mean three. Three? i was going to go a little lower. I was going to go two and a half. Oh, wow. You're that low on it. Yeah, man. I was like, wow, this is not as good as I remembered.
Speaker: I like Tim Allen. Tim Allen's cool, right? you give the I mean, even Charlie's performance isn't horrible. It's a little cringe, but it's not bad. ah Yeah. Yeah. And Bernard's the goat. Bernard's goaded.
Speaker: So... throat goat Bernard my throat goat they just they just have fucking Bernard farting him on coke cans but yeah yeah so anyways I don't really know what's going to come out Friday because that was supposed to Pwner Express and that movie that episode can't come out I mean, we could just skip it, right? Yeah. friday yeah ah Well, on January 6th, wow, what a day to choose.
Speaker: um On January 6th, we have an episode for you, the Best of Two Guys, One Screen 2025 Edition. yeah The Best of Capital Satori highlights.
Speaker: ah We will have follow-up with people who were pardoned. and We will have follow-up with people who were arrested. and we will talk to the Democrats. Yeah. See what they're thinking.
Speaker: Yep. And then we'll try the new ah the new video game live, the VR Capital Storming Simulator. Yeah. um And as of this recording, that's currently all we have scheduled for episodes. That's wild, huh? That's all we have going right now. But you know between now and you listening to this, we will have recorded ah five more episodes. so that's cute.
Speaker: And... ah Merry Christmas. yeah that youre You know, Happy New Year, I guess. Fuck you. We definitely said it to you in the Pwner Express, but you're just not going to hear that episode. So, Happy New Year. We'll talk to you guys in 2026.
Speaker: Toodles. Fuck you, Mark. I want you to stroke me.
