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Savage Worlds - The Phony Express 2.8: B*tch-Slapped by God!
90 Plays11 months ago
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Transcript
Introduction to Role-Playing Session
00:00:25
Speaker
I don't feel ready. You don't feel ready? I don't either. I forget, you know, I don't know. You know, good morning, good afternoon, and good naked ladies, gentlemen, non binary folks universe. No, no, no. This is role players. Welcome back to role players. The phone express two points eight, I think. What is eight in German?
00:00:44
Speaker
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:01:05
Speaker
And then he was like, ah, go get a weapon. And then she was like, ah, there's a raven. Everybody goes, hi. And then she got a weapon to fight ghosts. And then she went to Mottontop Joe's like, I'm gonna play this golden fiddle that Sheffi gave me. Oh yeah. Sheffi gave her golden fiddle. And he's like, don't you do it? And she goes, I'm gonna do it. And then she did it.
Bar Fight with Abaddon
00:01:25
Speaker
And then meanwhile, on the train, Maverick and Cutter, they did some epic fight scene stuff in a bar. And the chandeliers were crushed. Discs were thrown. Chests were stepped on. Pants were removed. And that was fun. And then the guy in the white turned out to be Abaddon, the demon of sloth, the whole time. Oh, dude, dude, shit. And then he turned their tokens into bullets and then started shooting Maverick and Cutter with them.
00:01:53
Speaker
oh no when they got their arms ripped off ah jeez um and then cutter was like you suck at being a sloth sloth you're doing too much work to be sloth sloth and he's like oh man you're kind of right and then maverick was going to give his last words but he's like it's going to take me a long time to say my last words and then he told his whole life story and that bought them enough time for rin to piss off um
00:02:15
Speaker
uh mutton shop joe with the creepy golden fiddle to the point where he slammed his foot against the ground causing a small earthquake and the railing the giant train.
00:02:28
Speaker
And then Ishii made an epic return after Rin got their bodies back for them and they climbed out the train.
Facing Ghosts and Taunting Abaddon
00:02:34
Speaker
Ishii landed with electricity powers on Maverick's shoulder. And then Rin used a little dart gun that she got from Punky and apparently it made the train disappear for some reason. When there's a bunch of lost spirits on the train tracks, I'm sure of what to do. And then Abaddon stood up towering nine feet over and was like, let's fucking go, bro.
00:02:56
Speaker
And the gang, he very mad. And the gang is standing toe to toe with a demon of sloth. And that's where we are now. The gang is finally back together after like three episodes of being apart. Yes. So what do you do? Avadon's like, I'm a fuck you up. Oh, bitch.
00:03:21
Speaker
I mean, that's me. I tried to like. Stand up and try like how far away are the ghosts? They're like about the length of this long ass train that you guys were on. So like some of them are relatively close and then they just keep trailing farther and farther, probably four miles back the length of the train. So they're kind of like all over the place back there.
00:03:49
Speaker
Hey, all of you ghosts, we need to work together to stop this evil bastard. I don't think I want to do that.
Soul Deal Discussions with Abaddon
00:03:58
Speaker
I'm sorry, I don't understand you, but I need your help. I said, I don't think I want to do that. But we should all do that. Others will all die.
00:04:10
Speaker
And then Avadon turns around and goes, he says, everybody sit down. And then they all just kind of sit wherever they're standing and just like put their butts on the track. You say. No, you suck. Stop being so hurtful. That's mean. I didn't say anything mean to you guys. But you know, you just mean to our bodies. I disagree with that. You were very insulting to me. I was just making an observation on what you look like.
00:04:40
Speaker
You're a short man and you you're OK looking. I don't care. All right, so we got a we got a battle or what? How about we hail this peacefully lame? What does that mean? That means that none of us gets to die right now and none of us has the good heart.
00:05:09
Speaker
could all just go our ways and be happy with that. Right. OK, so I don't think you
Battle Escalation Against Abaddon
00:05:14
Speaker
understand. I understand what peace means. I mean, like what how are we going to resolve this in which in a situation in which I don't just plug your asses? You know, you can't just like take all of the adults because like what are the children going to do? And that's not very nice. Like, you know, like. Got to be nice.
00:05:36
Speaker
Also, like Carole mentioned earlier, you kind of sloth. So why? It's like way too much work to like kill all of us. Yeah, you're right. I should probably have somebody else do it, huh?
00:05:49
Speaker
I mean, I get that you're like a bottomless pit and stuff, but like, I mean, you could just be like, you know, getting the people that deserve it. You know what I'm saying? Like the bad people or the people that are like really sick that aren't going to make it, that kind of thing, or like old people, but like sick people know what they did. Yeah, totally. But you know what I'm saying? Like you didn't have to take every one, you know, because
00:06:20
Speaker
Like, that's just it's not cool. And like, well, yeah. OK, you told me that I should take the old people and I'm looking at one right now. So maybe I'll just take it. I mean, really, he's all he's he's who I want. So I'll just take him and then I'll be on my way. No. But what about all these other people?
00:06:44
Speaker
What'd you say? You guys did that thing where y'all talk at the same time. But what about these other people? What about? Well, are they going to be able to come back to or like what? I mean, I suppose most of them ain't been sloth like or ain't been trying to, you know, I mean, it ain't their time. So, I mean, it's just the train happened to be going through and, you know, I just keep riding until I get my prize. And so Maverick was being a bit of a loose.
00:07:14
Speaker
And that's just how I am. So I can't really like give you my body. Well, I don't want your body. I want your spirit. Then how about I give you like a little bit of my spirit and I keep the rest. How much we talking? How much of the pie? Show me on this chart how much I can have. I want to willing to existence a whiteboard. I can draw a pie chart.
00:07:40
Speaker
He holds up a pie chart for you. And he says, just like, you know, just just draw with this marker how much of it I can have. OK, you see, like this circle. This line is how much I can keep. And this line is how much you get. And like his line is like. A small piece. Oh, yeah, that's not going to do it for me there, Maverick. How about I take a little bit of cutters, a cutter? You willing to give me a little bit of that? So brother, come on.
00:08:10
Speaker
Oh, you don't deserve shit. Does that mean they can live? That's hurtful. We know we're giving a piece of stupid. Oh, give me back the back, you son of a bitch. Oh, you want back. Which one's right? Hang on a second. Kathy, come here. Which one of y'all's back? And you see,
Weapon Strategy and Support
00:08:31
Speaker
like, a bathroom materializes beside him. And he's like, is this the one you're talking about?
00:08:39
Speaker
Yeah, I think so. Oh, Carter, you're going to need a very gentle bath after all this. You are just covered in blood. I need more than that, Matthew. And I'm not talking to the other kind of thing we do. I need some medicine and healing and a long time in a bed.
00:08:59
Speaker
Again, not the way we do it sometimes. Sorry I didn't hear that, Maverick. I mean, we are probably all going to die as well, so it doesn't really matter. Well, listen, Sloth was it? My close friends call me Abaddon, but you can call me Sloth, sure. All right, so can I just call you Don, then? I don't care, whatever. OK, so listen, Don, what if I because I've already
00:09:29
Speaker
I believe I've already met you before because remember I almost died and then I was like, I've got a mission and you were like, fine. What if I gave you half of my soul for Maverick and then you basically get to have him whenever he actually goes?
00:09:57
Speaker
Well, it's not about me as well. So you're saying that when Maverick dies, you die too. Mm hmm. Interesting, interesting. How do you feel about that memory? You can can have my.
Weaken Abaddon with Holy Water
00:10:14
Speaker
Part of the soul as well, so. That you can it don't need to affect all of her soul.
00:10:24
Speaker
No, he's just having half of mine so that when you die. Yeah, she gets he gets all of mine. So you basically get two for one. You know, because obviously I know how you work. I know you're sick. So how about that? How about you let.
00:10:48
Speaker
Maverick live. You get half my soul. And then when he officially dies, you get us both. I don't know about that. It's a tough given, like, give him like a couple more years. I don't know if he's got a couple more years, to be honest. I'm just trying to take him if he does something stupid. I'll keep him in line. Yes.
00:11:17
Speaker
Because obviously now I have something invested in keeping him in line because now I'm connected to him. So that means you're going to do like burning workouts and all that stuff. Yep. We're going to keep you healthy. I know for I'll do those again.
00:11:36
Speaker
I'm going to start like trying to pull myself up onto my feet. Why are we making a deal with this stuff? Don't give me anything you've got. What the hell? Go back down there. Nobody, nobody need you up here. Who cares what Maverick does. I've got this. I got this.
00:11:58
Speaker
What do you say? Here's the first thing I don't think that you that you know exactly what what you're dealing with, because. I mean, I don't have to make a deal with any of y'all. I could just I could just steamroll your ass. I'm well aware of a slow thing to do. Yes, no, I also know how you are. OK. Well, here's the thing.
00:12:27
Speaker
How about that? I don't I think that you're Miss Little Know-It-All-Britches that thinks that you think you know more than what you know. I don't think that you know exactly what you're asking here, kid. I think that you're telling me. I don't think we've met before. I think that you probably met somebody else that works in the death department. I don't know about that. You look real familiar. That's racist. That's demonist.
00:13:00
Speaker
I'm reading Justin in the chat. He's doing rolls.
Defeating Abaddon
00:13:04
Speaker
He's doing. So I, um, I reached it. I wanted to sneak sneakily start carving a cross on the tip of a bullet. So I got to shoot this guy. Um, hopefully that would do something, but, uh, I go reach him. I like little pouch and I hear you just hear like a bunch of bullets across the ground. I was trying to find him my whiskey flask. Cause I'm hurting. Ow.
00:13:29
Speaker
So, so you think that I'm just gonna wait, let's see you do it over there. What are you trying to do over there? Filler just like screaming about cutter. Do you want to weigh in on all this before I make a decision? I don't think you deserve a deal. I don't think you deserve shit.
00:13:50
Speaker
It doesn't matter what Maverick does. That's the natural course of his life. You son of a bitch. You're just bitten to be. You're over. I said before I say again, you're overstepping, sir. You getting, I don't know, you're getting bored. Cause all you do is lays around all day and you're a little hole in hell. I don't know, but it's bullshit and you know, it's bullshit. And I know it's bullshit. Maverick already knows it's bullshit. Ren. I don't know. She wants to make deals. I don't like, that's the, I don't think we can make, you know, we don't know you nothing. I don't like your brother neither.
00:14:24
Speaker
I also don't think I know that yet, but I don't like him. I don't like your brother either. Your whole family sucks ass. I hope you know that. He's awesome. Okay. I don't know that neither. I've been very good to your other brother, by the way.
00:14:47
Speaker
because Sheffi has been very taken care of in my brothel. So you at least can say that I have done something for your family because I have been very nice. Oh, is that what they go by now? Sheffi. Yeah, that's so stupid.
00:15:10
Speaker
Oh, yeah, I'll crack me up. He just just goes by totally different stupid little name. Just just can't seem to leave little little angry boy behind always has to look over his shoulder. Keep them safe. Oh, that's so nice. So cute. Hmm. Sounds like someone needs to look in the mirror. So cute. Hmm.
00:15:32
Speaker
All right. You know what? I'll tell you what I'll make you one final deal because I just realized something groovy is about to happen. And, uh, the way we kind of win. So, uh, I'll tell you what, how about I
Post-Victory Reflections
00:15:43
Speaker
keep this beautiful beauty right here. This nice blonde piece of something. And I take half a year. So I'll just take the whole of the lady and half a year or the half of yours and the rest when she dies, that way you got longer. What do you think? A nice fresh young soul like bath is here. That's good eating right there.
00:16:04
Speaker
I know. Did you say you shoot him? Yep. It's not going to work, but I do. He goes flying off into the wind. He goes, yeah, like I was saying, so how about. I do it again. I shoot again. I got six more bullets in there. You got them four that time. That's a hit.
00:16:26
Speaker
You hit him. Go ahead and roll your damage, your cutter. What's my gun do? I mean, a four is a four is a four. Thirteen. Nice. Wow. Thirteen damage when the bullet kind of like sits into him for a little bit before it kind of starts to like fall out and you see like a little bit of like purple goop kind of starts to come out of his chest. He goes, huh? Why ain't that interesting?
00:16:49
Speaker
And, and I'm going to stagger forward my gun arm waving around. Yep. I miss. I just get it. I just get an empty to chamber and shoot all six. That's one, one, two, three. Okay. That's my, that's my fourth one. Miss. Wow. Yep. Miss. By the way. Yeah. You just want to be closer to five or your damage on the five. So that's eight.
00:17:14
Speaker
Okay. I got one more. Bang. Oh, thank goodness. That was going to be awkward if the last one wasn't. I'm like right in his face. I put it like right. I just, I'm like leaning on his eyes, the barrels, his chest. I'm just, I'm leaning and I'm using to hold myself up now. Bye.
00:17:30
Speaker
And that's only three damage. So you've done a total you've done eight on one. You did 13 on one and you did three on one. Yeah, you just shoot pew just like just cutters just just like staggering forward continuously walking. Bang, bang, bang. And like.
00:17:52
Speaker
The bullets kind of one sticks into him and then kind of falls out. Another one kind of pings off his chest. Another one just kind of like he catches in his teeth and spits out. And the other one just like bounces off his chest. He just kind of looks down at cut. He goes, why aren't you cute? Maybe I'll take you instead. I like that you're being all fiery.
00:18:12
Speaker
Maybe you can be one of my go-getters. You ever want to work for hell, little guy? I dropped my pistol. I pull my cutlass out. I forgot I had. Yeah. Why don't you try it like your ghost gun on him? So you bring out your cutlass and you just start swinging it at him. My cutterless. Your cutterless. Right. All right. Roll a fighting roll.
00:18:37
Speaker
Negotiations are over. I got a four. It doesn't hit. I'm stupid. It pings off of him. I'm just like slapping him with it. You see, you see cutter. You see cutter as like, he's just walking up blasting bullets. Bang, bang, bang, bang. He's swinging his sword each time. It's clanking off of the hard body. You keep your name out of your mouth, you son of a bitch. Oh, Basie.
00:19:06
Speaker
We're gonna have such a good time in hell together, aren't we? Slap, slap, slap. Roll
Session Wrap-Up and Announcements
00:19:11
Speaker
another fighting roll. You swing and it bounces off again. Cutter, try one more fighting roll.
00:19:25
Speaker
You got you son of a bitch. Can Rym call behind the guy and like go on her hands and knees behind Abaddon and let Cutter push him over her back. You want to like tabletop him? Yeah. Sure.
00:19:46
Speaker
No cutters just like slap him with his sword. Whack, whack, whack. And she's not really pledging. She got him. So I'm dying. All right. She's tabletoping Maverick. You want to help out with that? I to be honest, I'm kind of lost right now. What what does like happening with like table topping? So so table topping is like
00:20:12
Speaker
when somebody like gets on all fours behind somebody and then like somebody pushes them and they they fall over top of the body. Yeah. Okay. That's what table topping means. Um, yeah, that's what you're doing for the bolt issue goes and like throws her, throws her wings up into the air. Like she's like summoning lightning and then just like her body just like lights up all blue. Um, did you turn her into a wild card yet? All right.
00:20:43
Speaker
I did do that with like an earlier level up. Okay.
00:20:50
Speaker
Yeah, then I'm going to have her do a fighting role against that guy. She rolls a four. Do you want to give her one of your bennies? I mean, yes. She rolls a seven. She flies in. She thunder tackles into this guy and he starts to like light up a little bit in blue light and he staggers as like cutters like leading into him. He's like, oh, you're just a little guy.
00:21:19
Speaker
And he takes a step back, not so much because he's damaged, but because the flash of the the thunder is like overtakes him for a second. He goes, whoa, that's scary. And then like he trips over in and he tumbles backwards and starts to roll and he rolls back onto some of the spirits and bowls them over like a bowling ball. What the hell? You're going to rinse going to hand cutter Betsy. Don't give me your old rifle.
00:21:46
Speaker
No, my pistol. Oh, OK. And you're going to use your she's also still has her shotgun so she can get up and get her shotgun from being your right. Yeah, my right. Yeah, my right. Don't you have a ghost sucking gun? I don't think that would work on this, though.
00:22:05
Speaker
Oh, I mean, you could cry. But I don't know. And then, like, you see, like, she's like flying up and down, just like, phew, phew. Like, it's like a King Kong like thing. We're just like, if the planes are flying around, there's big beasts. And he's like, get out of here. And he just starts like swinging his arms around. It's like she comes by and just like little lightning streaks pass him. And she was a pecker, pecker, pecker. Oh, Punky, I love your stash. Pecker, pecker.
00:22:32
Speaker
Oh, no. That's horrible. I also want to shoot my gun. You want to shoot your gun? Shoot your gun at him, Maverick. Do it. Do a shooting roll. I do a shooting roll. That's an eight. Well, that's an eight. I'll do your damage plus your thing plus your extra dice damage. 16 damage. Oh, my eyeball. You hit me in the eyeball.
00:23:01
Speaker
Take that, you stupid sloth. Oh, that's so mean. I ain't done nothing to y'all yet. Oh, Parker, Parker. What do you guys do? I'm going to give you one more round before he retaliates. He's still distracted very much by getting shot in the eye and a lightning bird fucking attacking him after you guys tripped him.
00:23:20
Speaker
I don't know enough like Pokemon attacks to like differentiate that. So that's easy. Not a Thunderbolt. And she'll try to attack him again.
00:23:35
Speaker
She rolls a six this time. And then he retaliates and he does a backhand and just sends Ishi flying off into the woods somewhere. And she goes crashing and crashes in there somewhere and you see like the blue light dies down a bit off into the woods. Rin, what do you do? So did Cutter catch my peacemaker? I'd say probably, yeah.
00:24:02
Speaker
OK, so then she's going to reach for her rifle and she's going to go right like since I'm going to go right in between his eyes. OK, shooting role while he's he distracted. For four is good enough for shoes thing. Go ahead and roll it again. I forgot my 17. There we go. There we go.
00:24:27
Speaker
17, Durmage, oh my gee willikers. You blast them in the same eye again. Oh god, the same place. It's a little sore from the first one. Oh god. Why? And he starts like reeling back and forth holding onto his head. Cutter, what do you do? I guess I shoot him with this new gun.
00:24:56
Speaker
I'll try to at least. Um, Bathy runs over and she grabs ahold of you and helps you steady your arm. Um, and you feel like a warm embrace of first spirit, kind of like, like holding you steady. I do an, I do an emotional and dramatic, uh, look at, look into her ghost eyes. Oh, my eyes are all very sad and a little teary. Oh, and then I, that gives you a, that gives you a plus two to your shot.
00:25:26
Speaker
Go back to hell you son of a bitch. Bang. That's a hit. That's a six. Yep. Roll damage. What's Betsy's damage? 2d6 plus one. Nice. It's the same as mine. Roll that nine. Take that you said. Nice. The same eye again son of a bitch. I feel like y'all are doing this on purpose.
00:25:48
Speaker
Oh, yes. Cutter who was aiming for his chest. Yeah, he's like really good. Oh, God damn it. Maverick, what do you do? I.
00:26:10
Speaker
go and I don't know. I'm deciding between like going and looking if Ishi's okay or like shooting again. Where does your heart take you? If Sains Row has taught me anything. Go to her Maverick. It's like the better decision to let go save the person because the ending where you like go after the bad guy wasn't as nice. I know it's kind of weird, isn't it? Yeah. So
00:26:39
Speaker
I need a hero. I'm going and getting my bird. You're going to get your bird. You run over. You find Ishi with your scavenging ability. You find scavenged Ishi. She's laying in the woods. She's wounded. She's got a couple of sparks coming out of her chest. But she gets up and kind of shakes it off and goes. I put on her cooker.
00:27:03
Speaker
And she pets you with her with her with her wing and you hear, is this thing on? Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hey, hi. Hi. Right. Hey, do you have some rocket launchers or something in your basement? I have. So I mean, no. Nope. Nope. I'll take it as a yes. Uh uh. Nope. That's not true. OK. No, don't you come over here. I'm not ready for company.
00:27:34
Speaker
Okay, let's go. Oh, fine. And you're going to run to Punky's house? Yes. You're running to Punky's house? I mean, how far is it away? I mean, you're going to be gone a while. You have a horse. You go get your horse. Are you literally living the battle against Punky's house? I mean, a rocket launcher would be pretty useful.
00:28:01
Speaker
Did they have rocket launchers in the 1901? I mean, he sounds like he has one. I mean, he might. He has Professor Punkenstein, after all. So, like, how, what's the condition of Laxloff? He's really upset that his eyeball was shot. So he's kind of dealing with that right now. I think there might be an idea. I like,
00:28:30
Speaker
want easy to help the others and I'm going to ride to Puckenstein.
00:28:35
Speaker
You're going to ride the pumpkin sign. I mean, you do have a way to communicate with him. You could just you could just try to talk to him and get something sent to you versus you going out if you really want to. That is true. He was like trying willing to catapult a train. I mean, that was we talked about that. Something to us. I did. I told them off screen that Punky was willing. If she had asked, he would have catapulted her onto the train. No, I'm fine.
00:29:05
Speaker
So yeah, so do you want to try to rule a persuasion on Punkenstein? Yes, it's really important that you send us some really good stuff. Or if you have like something in your like home, like maybe a big cannon that's like mounted in like your backyard or something to like use that. You guys always want to like cool stuff.
00:29:27
Speaker
That's a four. Fine. Give me like five minutes and I'll have something sent to you. But that's it. Don't ask me for anything else. Okay. I'm glad you can make a deal. Have you seen that Lady Danes around by chance? I was just wondering if she wanted to come over. I think that she's like around here, but I didn't really see her. Yeah, I just wanted to come over and see my pecker.
00:29:56
Speaker
I'm sorry that it's kind of bad right now. Oh, damn it. Just fine. We'll talk about it later. OK. So he's going to be sending you something allegedly. So so Sloth is kind of reeling and he kind of he kind of steadies himself and he pulls his hand off his eye and it's like a bunch of blue and purple goop. That's just like pouring out of it. It's like, all right, I tried to be nice. I was going to make a deal with y'all. OK, now I'm going to give you one more.
00:30:26
Speaker
Oh, that's things you ever have like a like a pebble in there or like a like one of those little G nats flying your eyeball and you're like, ah, that's how it feels right now. But three of them got in there. Oh, anyways, let me just take the bath. You know what? How about I just take cutter and his girlfriend and then I'll call it even.
00:30:45
Speaker
What do you think? Last offer. What did I tell you about saying our name? God damn it. Hey. Boom. Yes. Blow my dice, Beth. You can also, you can also bet. Yeah. That's 15.
00:31:10
Speaker
That's 15 damage. He's like, all right, how about just the two of you? And then you pull up and you say, I told you stop saying her name and you pull the trigger and you shoot him in his other eye. Oh, not possible. Oh, that happens. That happens. It takes forever to get it out. Oh, and he's just like he's literally blinded right now and he's just like in a rage. He's like, I've had enough. And he starts like pounding his fist on the ground and starts to shake the phony express and shake underneath your feet. Yeah.
00:31:42
Speaker
use your robot machinery strength go rip a one of the big cross from out front of the church and just spear them with it
00:31:54
Speaker
We always said there was no church here. The tea and magic carpet is the cross from the old church you told me that. Go get it. That is true. I haven't saved in the basement. No, it's the tea. It's the tea and magic carpet.
00:32:11
Speaker
Oh, that's right. She's going to go snatch the team from matching garbage trying to hit you. He rolls a three to try to like swing at you, but like he's currently blinded. So you just like you just feel like a big blast of wind past you. I got to I got to dodge, but I've just fall over. Yeah, I've done it the whole time. So you're going to go grab
00:32:37
Speaker
You're gonna go get the tea on a matching carpet. Yeah. Okay. Cutter, I'll give you another action before we loop back around the Maverick. Oh, you know what we haven't been doing? I'm a marksman, so I mean, I've hit my last few shots anyway, but since I haven't moved since my last, I guess I fell over. Is that kind of me moving?
00:32:57
Speaker
No, I mean, you're just kind of RPing that, like, you – that's how you dodge the shot. So I got plus one to my shot. Mechanically, no, you didn't. I'm going to be sitting up on the ground. I put my left hand under my right hand holding the pistol, and I squint my eye, and I –
00:33:14
Speaker
My my hands waving like, yeah, I should. That's one of the anchors. Did I get you? Oh, let me check. Oh, David. And then Maverick, as you're as you're tending to Ishi, you hear here.
00:33:45
Speaker
And you see you see like a little wagon like comes driving over like it's an automated wagon that was like was was picking up shit from like the the driveway earlier and it comes down and there's like a couple of satchels that are that are in there and then you see a little talky box that says push me. I am.
00:34:06
Speaker
What do you look like? Because I'm like thinking, what if I push this and then it explodes? It's just a talkie box. Like the ones that you used before with like that you play on with the Ravens. And I press it. This is penis.
00:34:21
Speaker
I mean, that's really killing the power of penis. Yeah, it says penis. And then the bags all open. That was a password. The bag. And you see out pops these several bottles that have like teas on them with clear liquid inside of them.
00:34:45
Speaker
Um, and then you see that there are a couple of, um, like bottles with like blue, uh, juice in them. And that's what you have. You have a couple of bags of, uh, clear water with a tea on it and some blue juice. Okay. I lied. I lied. I forgot. There's a third bag. Uh, there's a third bag that opens up and there's a super soaker in there.
00:35:07
Speaker
It's like it's like a water pump. It's like it looks like a steampunk version of like, like a squirt gun where like there's like kind of like a pump. And it's like, there's a place to pour in liquids in the top of it. So I'm going to like, put both those things in a like, a steampunk super soaker.
00:35:28
Speaker
Are you putting both in there? Yes. Oh, well, probably shouldn't do that, but you already done it, right? I mean, like, how much space is in there? Like, how big are the containers? You know what? Let's just say there's little note. This one says, drink this. And then the other one says, shoot this. OK, then I'll do that. So, my forefathers were like, oh, yeah, the water is for, like, the subsidence. And the other one is, like, to make the water better.
00:35:58
Speaker
Now the the tea, the tea looks a lot like the tea on matching carpets. It's holy water. Yeah, it's God's tea. Yeah, it's holy water. Yeah. And so you shoot. No, I'm saying you fill it up with your water and then you drink. You said you drink the blue stuff. I want to sign a note. Drink me for the blue stuff.
00:36:27
Speaker
Then I drink the blue stuff. Yeah, you take a drink of it and you see like your bullet holes start to patch up and your skin starts to heal over and scab and you're not wounded anymore. Whoa. How does he do stuff like that? He's very, he's an interesting fellow, that's all. But I talked back into Ishii. Thanks a lot for the stuff. Peke!
00:36:58
Speaker
I knew it wasn't Ishi, it was you. Faker, Faker, Faker. OK, let's get the team in Ishi. Faker. OK, and you still have one more of those bottles left that you drank that healed you up. OK, that's good. And you have a super soaker full of tea water, God's tea. All right, what are you doing? Run back. OK. Ren, what do you do? I grab the...
00:37:28
Speaker
Uh, the T from matching carpets and I run back and I basically try to jam it down his throat. You jam it down his throat. We're going to have to do some cool acrobatics to do that. Cause he's much bigger than you. How are you going to do that? I have, so I have a, uh, he's blind and he swung at you.
00:37:49
Speaker
I have an edge of improvisational fighter. So it ignores any penalties that I get. So you want me to do athletics? You can do a fighting role. Maybe let's do athletics first to see if you can get it in his mouth. If not, you can still use a fighting role to see if you hit him with it.
00:38:12
Speaker
Um, but he's pretty big. Um, sure. We'll say that you maybe you use your mechanical leg and you kind of jump up high enough to maybe get it in there. Uh, but not do a fighting role to see if you can actually get it in there. Okay. Seven. Nice. Oh, you are not going to be happy with me. You may need a Benjamin.
00:38:37
Speaker
Oh, no, I'm going to use the Benjamin. Otherwise, you know what? I'll say that you maybe just smack him across the face with it, but not enough to damage him, but enough of him to be like, oh, that's holy. Oh, that's holy. Oh, and like he's got like a little bird across the side of his face and goes, oh, God. Oh, God.
00:39:07
Speaker
That's a great episode title right there. Bitch slap by God. Let me write that down before we get... So, so, Cutter, you just saw him get bitch slapped by God.
00:39:24
Speaker
What do you do? Um, I guess all I can do. Well, where, where, where did Ren end up? Where did Ren end up? Ren is like. I just slapped him in the face with a cross. Okay. I don't know if he fell off. Yeah. She's up. She's up in the shit smacking him with a piece of wood. Okay. Then I should probably not shoot my gun over there. Um,
00:39:52
Speaker
You can do a cutter. You can do a cutter. Use that big brain of yours. It's been growing. You're getting so smart. You can do this. I'm going to get my rope out. I'm going to remember my time of lasso in the chicken. Chicken. I'm going to try and catch him while he's like he's stabbed his little feet. I'm going to try and like loop it up under his foot and try and catch his foot and pull it.
00:40:16
Speaker
Oh, that's a cool idea. I like that a lot. You know what? I'm going to say that because he's blinded, he's he's not going to be able to avoid it as much. It's still going to be a tough role, but I'm going to say, yeah, let's make it. What do we do for them before athletics? I assume because I was throwing. Yes. Let's make that a last athletics role and I'll give you a plus one to it because I like the ideas. Do I still get my also my marksman plus one? Sure.
00:40:43
Speaker
Yeah, brother, it's good because I got a two, so I got two extra points. That's a four, then. So yeah, you get it under his ankle.
00:40:52
Speaker
And you and you pull when he goes you kind of get pulled a bit at first, but but bathy kind of grounds you Like she is she is unmovable right now. You always wear my rock back And she holds on to you and steadies you as you hold on to the rope and you pull him down. He falls to the ground Oh God, I mean damn it out of your mouth Take his pee
00:41:20
Speaker
Speaking of which Maverick comes running up to the game with a Super Soaker and a bottle of Blue Juice.
00:41:30
Speaker
I'm going to throw the blue juice to like Kata and I hope that he like actually catches it. Bring this, I'll heal you. He'll catch it. Beth, he catches it for him. And I say, oh, thank you, Beth. Not knowing that Kata never gave it to her. Yeah, she opens it and just like pours it down your face. And you're healed, healed by the power of Frankenstein.
00:41:55
Speaker
Oh, thank you, Beth, for healing me. And then I go and I want to shoot this stuff on a sloth. All right. Roll a shooting roll to shoot your stuff on sloth. That's a five. That's a five. It's still a hit. Roll five d6s. Five. Five d of them.
00:42:18
Speaker
17. Seven teens of damage. He just like starts rolling. Oh, that's a bath. I don't want. I'm clean. I'm clean. And he's rolling around like he's like holding onto his eyes. His body's starting to like sear. He's like he's like pounding onto the ground. Everybody choosing us. Everybody roll an agility check to make sure that you don't fall over. Well, I guess you can't because Beth, he's holding you down. But
00:42:43
Speaker
Well, you guys all pass that written especially fucking 14 feet. He's like trying to cause an earthquake beneath your feet. But like you guys are like solid as a fucking rock. Yeah, I'm hot as a rock. Rin, it's your turn. He's rolling on the ground, beating on the ground. His skin starting to like peel off. He's covered in hot liquid and you have a tea. What do you do? He's on the ground.
00:43:09
Speaker
I. I'm going to take. OK, I'm going to take a sword off of his. Wherever he's holding it. And I'm going to cut into this guy and then I'm going to shove that T right into his chest. Oh, you're going to cutter him. All right. Well, how about we do this? How about we roll to
00:43:39
Speaker
How about athletics first? I know this is kind of a bending of the rules, but let's just fuck it. We'll just go with it. A four. It's not quite you have the sword in there, but it's not quite piercing super in there, but you got the sword kind of into like some of the fleshy parts that's like burning off from the from the water. So you're starting to get it like a little bit in there, but you get like a little bit of headway. It's kind of like when
00:44:04
Speaker
You know it's kind of like when I'm trying to think of a good analogy, but I can't think of one right now We're just like something she just wants an open wound Like when you put your when you put a spoon and some hard-ass frozen ice cream at first And you get like a little chip in there at first Yes, she just wants an open wound is she's gonna shove that tea right in there All right roll a fighting roll against this guy I'll give you a plus two because he's on the ground and
00:44:31
Speaker
Um, to your role. Wow. That was, that was, I'm going to use my last Benny there. Oh my goodness. I failed. Uh, okay. So I got a five.
00:44:46
Speaker
I'm five unfortunately is not enough to penetrate him, but you are hitting him with it and he feels it as you just drive this further and further into his body. It's like you're just beating him like a pinata while he's on the ground. He's like, Oh, God, please. So I will say you're softening him up with the holy water. So even though you didn't get to get the kill strike, like he is super soft. So flaccid right now. It's ridiculous. Oh, shit.
00:45:13
Speaker
uh he just took his turn trying to knock you all over uh maverick what are you doing i'm going up there and i'm going to soften the spot up even more with my super soaker all right roll another roll another shoot roll i guess just to see if you can hit it that's a 14
00:45:33
Speaker
All right. Roll five d6s plus the bonus d6 that you get. So six, six d6s. Yeah. You spray it on there and it just that wound just that that Ren pride the sword into just starts to just open up.
00:45:51
Speaker
Revealing, it's like a purple mass inside of it, like this outer shell is cracking and breaking and you have like just sprayed a huge fucking hole inside of him. And Rin is just like beating the shit out of that mush with with the tea, just. No, no, I think of. Cutter, what do you do? Um.
00:46:18
Speaker
Uh, I can't really, I can't really, I don't know if I can help much. I guess I'm some back to full strength. I mean, I got, I'm just going to run over there and, uh, I come up behind, uh, ran it outside. Did I start grab like the other, uh, edge of the other T side of the T and help her smoosh it down. All right. I like that. Let's roll. Um,
00:46:39
Speaker
Let's roll a, uh, why don't you guys both do a strength off, a strength roll together to see if you can, if you can push it in there together. Teamwork team teamwork. That's a seven together. That makes a 10. You both push it farther down in. Uh, and he just lets out like a, like a loud gurgle.
00:47:06
Speaker
And then you hear Pecker Picker! What's that? It kind of sounds like Martin Chopp's show. It's like na na na na na na na. Yeah, like at the end, like as he suddenly goes, ah, I hate this, I hate this. And then you hear Pecker Picker as like a lightning ishy comes down and like just pretty much just like arrows on top of him and explodes like
00:47:30
Speaker
the holy water to like electrify it. So like, so she smites them as you smite them the teas coming in, as like Ren and cutter are just thrusting it into the open hole. And then everything kind of stops for a second. And he just stops moving. And he goes, All right.
00:47:50
Speaker
Uh... I'll go home. I'll go home. I'll go home. Spare me. Spare me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm done. I'll quit. I'll leave. I'll work for you in your brothel, even. Whatever you want. Just don't do this. We're sitting here straight home already, buddy. Don't you worry. We got the one-way ticket right here.
00:48:04
Speaker
Oh, that's a good joke about my train. That's good. That's good. Oh, and you thrust it in one final time and then his body just kind of turns to stone. And then just like you see like a bunch of cracks start to form in it, and then it's like it just crumbles into a bunch of little pieces of rubble underneath you. Yes. Point one for humans. Can't go be in season three. Can't go be in season three.
00:48:34
Speaker
And then the sky turns blue. The sun is shining on the world. Oh, yeah, it's very bright because it was red for a really long time. The ethereal track is my bird. You're hugging your bird and you get shocked like it's just. I look towards Bathy.
00:48:54
Speaker
Bathies, no longer where she was as she held you, but you see her off in the distance standing by the railroad tracks, and she sees you and she reaches for you and starts to run. I run to her. Slow motion. It's torn up and I'm all bloody. This is the only music I have. It's not rock. It's not very uplifting. And we collide as the last piece of the tracks dissipates.
00:49:23
Speaker
We hug. I pick her around. There are little methods to rest spins. And you see like the ball at like the bottom of her butt as her skirt flies up. Sorry, you had to see that, Maverick. And yeah, you do that. And she says, let's get Mary cutter.
00:49:51
Speaker
Uh, I ain't got nothing to give you. I guess we can go back to the old family farm, but I'm just, I'm still, I don't know. I still, I still, I'm still, I look around. I'm still wanted, Matthew, for what I've done. And I, you know, all that too. I don't want to get you caught up. So that's a yes, Ben.
00:50:17
Speaker
Yeah, of course. Well, I got to clear my name first. She kisses you while you're talking. So while that's happening, Rin, you see like all the people are starting to like walk their way back towards town.
00:50:38
Speaker
And, um, you know, they're all like, Oh, Hey. And you see, you see Pam, what a color Pam. Is that what the name we gave her was Pam? Yep. Yeah. She's like, Hey, how's it going? How's, uh, how was your day? Uh, I've had better. Um, yeah. Uh, do you mind helping me back to the brothel?
00:51:03
Speaker
Oh, no, not at all. Oh, yeah. You know, all the girls are coming. Sheriff Jeff is somewhere around here. Oh, hey, Joe. Hey. Thanks, Joe, for your help. Yeah, just don't play that stupid fiddle anymore.
00:51:20
Speaker
Mm, I'll practice. You see, you see, he's like, you see, like, I don't know where like he has it in his hands and he's like tucking it into a satchel into like a like a burlap sack. He's like, nope, not already. I'll get a different one and I'll keep practicing so I can come and play a song for you. Well, how about instead? Maybe we have lunch sometime. Just the two of us deal. Just don't play the fiddle anymore.
00:51:49
Speaker
Fine. Awesome. And then he shuts his door. And Maverick, you're hanging out with Ishii. Yes. Here. Did it work? Did my cool thing work? I said the bazooka. Did the bazooka come? I mean, it's not what I expected, but it worked beautifully. What are you talking about? It had like a flamethrower on it and it shot giant missiles and it could probably blow up a mountain. I mean,
00:52:19
Speaker
I didn't know about that, but like we did the thing. So we saved the town, so. Oh, good. I just want to make sure I didn't send that to the wrong people. I got I get a lot of requests in here for weapons and doomsday devices for villains. I really got to send you like a gift basket or something. Yes, right. OK, so so you have the you have the boobinator 5000, right? Maybe. I'm just going to take it as a yes. All right, cool. The world is fine. Everything's fine. OK.
00:52:50
Speaker
Should I like bring it back at some point? Oh, yes, definitely. You know, it's a rental. OK. I'll bring it back after like the celebrations. Celebrations for what? Someone's birthday. I'm not coming to another party. You know, it's let's make it the city's birthday because it will be rebuilt, not rebuilt, but like refilled with life.
00:53:14
Speaker
Yeah, whatever. I'm just going to kidnap. Yeah, I mean, yes, yes. Put all the adults back in the town. That's a good idea, Maverick. Good show, old bean. We did it. Pekka, I mean, yes, we sure did. Yes. All right. All right. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. So all the shutter in the grin.
00:53:41
Speaker
So what if you're like playing with the rest of your day? I say we all sit down and have a nice rest. That sounds beautiful. Easy smile and thumbs up. Well, I was going to ask you guys a very serious question because I know that we had, you know, a pretty rough day today. And, you know, we, we defeated a lot of like crazy things. And I, I just got to know,
00:54:12
Speaker
Do you guys think I should cut my hair? Yeah, I don't want to say it for a long time, but you got like a rat's nest going on up there. Now that the whole thing is going, that's our biggest problem. I'm glad it's over because I need to tell you who. You have all the time out that you can get like a haircut. Do you think that you the barber that did your haircut would do my hair? Oh, yeah. He's he's he's fantastic. He's like a little wizard with them scissors.
00:54:41
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Didn't you say that he like, you know, was really nice and stuff and like, like really, really nice.
00:54:50
Speaker
Yeah, he was really nice to me. He was really, really nice to me. And he was, uh, he made sure to like, he, he did my first, remember he did my mustache. He did. He showed me how to do the oil and all the stuff in it on it. He did it by hand for me. Maybe we'll go there later together or something. Make sure he's not like, you know, I don't know if he drank a little bit or something, but be careful. Okay. All right. I'll tell him that you sent me. How's that? That's good. Yeah. Okay.
00:55:20
Speaker
Cool. Cool. Do you think fucking a demon and coming back from your dad is like good on my resume? I know what that is, Maverick. Well, I mean, maybe it's it would be something for like, you know, maybe a different industry. Maverick, are you thinking about like changing your career? You know, maybe I could like work in matching carpets.
00:55:49
Speaker
You, you know what? I think that would be a great retirement plan. Oh, I think so too. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you already got a room. So, you know, we'll just, uh, we'll just make you a room for like useful things. Yeah. Better start earning your keep. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like no rest for the wicked.
00:56:18
Speaker
You can hear it. You hear like you're like all the way over in the phonics, especially here.
00:56:23
Speaker
Way. And then you get your first slap on the back, Maverick, and he goes, God damn it, Maverick, that was one hell of a round. Oh, yeah. But oh, man, I fucking got shot like 18 times. Bet they put a bullet right between my picker. Not between, you know, between, you know, my ghost sales pretty sore and I probably got some children.
00:56:50
Speaker
issues later, but I, I, she done did me a favor. I ain't looking to make any tiny Jeff's anytime soon anyway. Yeah, me neither. And I can really relate with that. Like my ghost self doesn't feel good. Well, at least my buddy feels perfect now. You know why? Because I finally got me a cup of brew. You want some? Oh, yeah, I would love nothing more right now. All right. Oh, I heard that you might be going and being a whore. So that'd be cool. Maybe I'll come by and see how your day's going.
00:57:18
Speaker
I know. I've never been talking about being a whore. I'm just like working in a whorehouse.
00:57:25
Speaker
Right. And he goes, God damn, that's good. Anyway, yeah. Working. He puts an air quotes as he walks away. Hey, guys, Mavericks working at the brothel. Everybody. Hey, old man, Mavericks working. You want to go see some more wrinkles? He's working at the brothel. And he just keeps saying that all the way down to the sheriff's office. He's just like yelling at people as he passes. He's working. He's working, guys. He's working.
00:57:53
Speaker
um and then you feel like i can see i can see a slogan right now maverick i fucked a demon and survived to tell the tale exactly maverick i fucked a demon and survived to tell the tale smith
00:58:15
Speaker
So so you guys settle down for the evening and you guys get a much needed rest spending time with the people you care about and recuperating and the people we don't care about and the people you don't care about, you know, because there's I mean, you just regardless of what you've been through, you can't like everybody, you know, nobody's going to get along.
00:58:36
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, you know, what are you going to do? And then you get a wonderful night's sleep and you wake up in the morning and Sheffi has a whole big old meal prepared for you, a hero's feast prepared in the morning for you guys. Oh, it's been working with us.
00:58:57
Speaker
Everything is goulash. It's always goulash. Everything is goulash. I'm thinking about opening up a store because everything's goulash. I will go there. I think that would make hundreds of dollars.
00:59:18
Speaker
Have you ever eaten goulash out of a shoe, out of a bowl, out of a hat, out of my ass? There's tons, the sky's the limit, but my body isn't. You can go wherever you want with the goulash. I like, remind me never to go to that place when he opens it. Wait, you don't go to that stuff. Your goulash doesn't go anywhere near your rectum now, does it? Only if you wanted to.
00:59:42
Speaker
Uh, no, thank you. I like it in the bowl, uh, straight from whatever. Kathy puts her arms around you, Matt, uh, cutter and like, kind of gives you a smooch in the cheek. And she goes, I like it in the bowl too. Oh, not in front of America. I didn't see anything. Uh, there we go. That concludes episode eight of the phony express. Good job guys.
01:00:09
Speaker
Uh, I think it leveled up last time, like I said at the end of the episode. So that's all good and gravy. Um, yeah. The second season was like way more dangerous and eventful than the first one. Oh, it's not over yet. There's still some things that happen. Really? It's not over yet. Justin said, I think it was season three.
01:00:34
Speaker
Well, it must be true. Now, Justin said that the demon wasn't going to make it to the season three. OK. Silly maverick. I survived to fuck the demon, Adrian. Silly maverick. I survived to fuck the demon, Rick. Yeah.
01:00:52
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Uh, okay. Um, so, hey, thanks for hanging out. You know the deal. Go review us on podchaser.com. Go review us on Spotify. Remember the fuck I was just on the podcast. Go listen to my music. Look for random Adam. It's R-A-N-D-O-M-A-T-O-M. It's my name, first and last, as an anagram. Look it up. It's good shit. I think it's great. I put a lot of hard work into it.
01:01:13
Speaker
What else? Justin's got maps on DriveThruIPG under the fun installers blanket. Go to DriveThruIPG slash fun installers. Go to three besties and a guesty to listen to all their cool stuff they have coming up. They have a new season. They got gothwarts coming. Three weeks. No, two weeks probably when this comes out. Maybe a week. I don't know. I haven't been paying attention to when I post things.
01:01:32
Speaker
Um, uh, and, uh, uh, and Adrian is, uh, if you look all the way back in Adrian's old posts on Twitter, uh, there's a lot of, uh, anime sexy stuff. So go look at that. If you're into that memory lane. Yes. Yes. I always wondered how Adrian got so many followers on Twitter and then I discovered how
01:01:56
Speaker
several thousand that are there for those sweet, sweet anime titties. Yeah. And so I actually have a question of the day. So, yeah, you know, I thought that maybe I would. I would pick one from like the list that I made for that's our cue, which is a show I'm trying to get more people to go listen to, which is just our ending segment, but as a whole podcast.
01:02:22
Speaker
So this guy asks,
01:02:27
Speaker
Uh, is it gay to ask another dude what cologne they're wearing? Firstly, I do not care about sexual preferences. I accept anyone as they are. I'm an avid cologne wearer. I wear it daily. I buy all kinds and enjoy smelling cologne on myself and on others. A few years ago, I was with a few buddies and he asked another male friend what cologne he was wearing. Another friend snapped quickly and said, dude, don't ever ask that again. Are you gay? So dudes, is it weird or gay? How would you react if someone told you that your cologne smelled good?
01:02:55
Speaker
Man, if one of my friends ever asked me where I purchased a product from, I would think he was the biggest homosexual and I would be offended by that. How dare you answer where I purchased a product? You deviant. That's so funny because my coworker asked me yesterday what perfume I was wearing.
01:03:20
Speaker
And I had to think about it for a second, because I kind of have a perfume arsenal. Was this a girl or a boy? It was a girl. And I told her what I was wearing. Yeah, sniff me more, mommy. No, I say ask away, even if you're straight or gay. And if you're not, it doesn't matter, because in life it makes us all feel good to be flattered.
01:03:56
Speaker
Exactly like it like Be like, yeah, it's love getting compliments even from other dudes. It's true get more compliments on a regular basis actually actually question asker who is never gonna hear this your sounds like your friend who told you not to ask that is homophobic and he needs to figure Maybe he is in fact gay and just doesn't want to admit it. He needs a little let it fly
01:04:13
Speaker
I just made that up.
01:04:22
Speaker
Yeah, let that freak flag fly flag flea flea flea fly let that flag fly and Let the flea fly flu and sniff with permission guys. Thanks listening
01:05:41
Speaker
Does it look good already?