Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
The Affordables 1.13: The Ballad Of Milky Tony
31 Plays17 days ago
The Affordables get transported into a strange land with a fallen folk hero. Can they help Tony lose his terrible nickname and save the town? Yeah probably
Recommended
Transcript
Website Updates and Future Plans
00:00:40
Speaker
My role 20. I am on role 20. Everyone's on Yes. Everybody's on role 20. Hey, good morning, good afternoon, good evening. More players. Welcome back to role players. Affordable is represented with 13. And hey, guys, hey, listen.
00:00:52
Speaker
Well, this is affordable and you know, like we've had a lot of fun here today. ah But hey, before we get started, I just want to say something that we haven't done in a long time, which is, um, Hey, we have a website. It kind of had some issues over the course of the past few months. Cass has been working diligently to get everything fixed, but now it's fun. Installers network.biz now, right? Cass not.com. Correct.
00:01:15
Speaker
Right. So it's not, it's fun. It's still fun installers network, but that calm is going to be called biz because we know how to get biz done around here. Uh, and also because they took our calm and we can't get it back. So we're biz now. There's another biz niche. Um, I found a print ah website builder and then I couldn't get the dot.com because they were dumb. So yeah, it's not. Yeah. Enjoy.
00:01:40
Speaker
Yeah, if we ever get it back, we'll let y'all know. But in the meantime, fun is always network.biz. We kind of have to rebuild everything, but we're going to try to do that relatively soon. But I just want to call everyone's attention to it to please go back there. as we are constructing it and re-adding some new things. We're going to work on like adding some new articles on there for people to write about, video games, TTRPGs, things like that. Just general, just fun things to write about you know because you can't trust the news anywhere else anymore. ah you know We're also going to like have like different playlists of our shows on the Fun and Cellars Network and our different podcasts that are on there too and streamers and um any other creative shit that we come up with at the time. but I'd love to get some more artists
00:02:14
Speaker
ah Renditions up there too of different characters sceneries just to kind of help other artists kind of get some more attraction as well So please go on there say hello to us There's a little message section as well. If you want to send us a message. We're bringing it back, baby Fun as always network.biz. Thank you for listening. And now let's get back
Arrival in Luminous
00:02:30
Speaker
into show. So Here we go. Oh, I just made this five minutes ago. So please bear with me So we're not gonna do it what happened last time. We're just gonna jump right into it Jay proto Yes, sir. um You're here. That's right. And Robert. What is it? Fuck. Robert. Pierre Robert Robert de la Mer is also here. I forgot what's up. And we have Everett. um I feel like Pierre has more names, more than enough names, so Everett only needs the one. Yeah.
00:03:11
Speaker
so You guys are on like kind of you guys all arrive at the same time in like a very kind of. Let's just call it heavily filtered land. You guys always look around you. You see very brightly colored trees with like kind of like an interesting kind of sheen like it. What's that kind of sun solar effect that they use in films where like the kind of little circles kind of show up for a little bit like when the light hits the lens just right kind of like a lens flare. That's the word.
00:03:44
Speaker
um There's like everything kind of has like a little bit of like a brightly colored lens flare, like pinks and greens and purples. It's almost like it's Easter around here, but don't take that to heart. It's just kind of more pastel-ish colors similar to that of Easter. um And then like you just kind of see this serene land, um little bunny rabbits hopping around, just like a general fun looking atmosphere.
00:04:10
Speaker
No context for why you're here or how you got here. You're just here together. What do you do?
00:04:20
Speaker
Ah, it's probably chasing. Fuck. fuck She's chasing. Fuck. is This place gives me a headache. She's probably using bunnies. Yeah, you see a little bunny that has like a name tag that says fuck on it. And he's like, don't touch me. She's chasing cute. Yes, but I don't give your kids it.
00:04:41
Speaker
Aww, but please! Okay, fine. Uh, then he stops and jumps into your arms and lets you fit him. She like lays on the ground and just lets them all like climb all over.
00:04:54
Speaker
Yeah, there's just a pile of bunnies all of a sudden just like swarming all over Everett. um Jay Proto, what do you do as Everett just embraces this new place? Well, how do we... I was just on a motorcycle and doing a cool race in... In Greenland. In Greenland, I guess. And in how do we end up here? Like, what the fuck?
00:05:16
Speaker
Uh, yeah. Yeah. ah yeah yeah it's a ridiculous and i that's some good questions and Last thing I remember, I was sandwiched between a Dutch woman and a Belgian woman.
00:05:28
Speaker
this far Right. There was another man and tu involved as well. Yeah, that was me. Okay. Follow me. You are very, you're packing down there. What? Yeah, of course. I'm always, I've always got my, my nine millimeter on me and he pulls his gun out of his pants. No, I mean you're a baguette. Oh.
00:05:53
Speaker
Yeah. Then he pulls a baguette out of his backpack. I was about to say there's a baguette. I was hungry because I have this bread. Here you go. Yeah, of course. It's going to bring bread to an orgy, which we were having, but- Oh, you were? I thought we were just hanging out with some ladies. We're just vibing. This usually has a start. Oh, okay. That's cool. All right. Do you guys remember traveling here? Because like I don't.
00:06:23
Speaker
Maybe maybe it's a Belgian woman slipped us something. Maybe. I mean, I just figured they just like poof, like snap their fingers and like poof just here because like we won the country and stuff. So like are we in like green? I'm pretty sure we're like in Greenland, guys, because like, you know, whatever. That's where we ended up last time. Remember, because like I found a really cool castle and then like Yeah, maybe we just like walked through like a weird like time portal or something, like a vortex. seafo to those right I watch too much sci-fi sometimes. Okay, well, do we have cell phones on us?
00:07:02
Speaker
Yeah, all your stuff is still with you. What's what's what's the date say? like What's the date? The date on your phone says whatever date it was when you okay like on the when you were the race. Can I check maps to see where I am? Yeah. It seems like an obvious solution. Yeah, OK. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, go ahead and yeah you can open up Google Maps. Why don't you just call it like investigate a mystery or something? Are you OK to use my phone? Sure, yeah.
00:07:31
Speaker
I mean, because you're probably gonna have questions, so. Oh, ten yeah, that's a 10. All right. So what questions you want to look at? So I'll tell you this so you know what kind of questions to ask. What sort of feature is it? No, I'm just kidding. What sort of creature is it? Yeah. you look at You look at your phone and you open up maps and you see that it says it's still trying to find a signal oh that you're offline right now. So like it just shows where you were last when you like GPSed over to Death Valley for the race. Yeah. um But the cool part of Death Valley
00:08:03
Speaker
And um but like it says no signal, like offline mode. Oh, no. So as far as what kind of creature is it, you can see that while Everett is screaming over at you in a pile of bunnies, the bunnies are starting to kind of like snap together like Legos while on top of her.
Exploring Dingleberg
00:08:22
Speaker
Oh.
00:08:23
Speaker
That sounds like a problem. ah What was it going to do? ah It looks like it's um it doesn't like all the bunnies are kind of like snapping together like you're like. here likein kitchenin And then like to kind of stand up ah over lording over Everett.
00:08:42
Speaker
And then they turn around um and they just have these really bright, sparkly pink and blue eyeballs um like literal sparkles coming off of their face. ah Big old ears, but they're kind of like slicked backwards a little bit. um And he goes, hey, you guys knew around here or what? Well, yes, we are. Actually, we just teleported. Oh, shit, you guys can teleport. That's crazy. Can you get me out of here? It sucks here.
00:09:10
Speaker
Well, I can't. Yeah, I don't have any signal on my but my phone here. Otherwise, i could I could call my goon squad and maybe they could teleport you. Ah. Well, shit. Anyways. And he he reaches down and grabs Everett and puts her on her feet. He goes, hey, sorry about that. I just didn't want to crush you on account all of my bunny weight.
00:09:31
Speaker
I mean, it's fine. That would be a good way for me to die anyways. It's fine. Yeah. You know, I've killed people before by accident. Crushing people because we were just snuggling too hard. That's the number one cause of death here in Luminous is too hard of snuggles. Oh, wait. What did you say? I'd be fine with it. What'd you say?
00:09:53
Speaker
I said that's the leading cause of death here in Luminous's. There's two hottest snuggles. Where's that? where Where is that? Luminous. Where's what? Snuggles? No, Luminous. What did you say? Oh, Luminous. that' this This is the land of Luminous. Welcome. I forgot you're new here. I just said that. I'm so sorry. Welcome to Luminous. Thanks. We appreciate that, but like we just kind of woke up here. Oh, I mean, that's how most people get here, I think. Oh.
00:10:20
Speaker
Uh, can, is this in Greenland? Is this like, you know, you're not the first person to ask us if this was Greenland, weirdly enough. No, who else asked? Uh, one of the other guys that lives in town. Okay. So, I mean, uh, I think his name was like Tom green, John green, something green. Can we, uh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I know him.
00:10:49
Speaker
Yeah, I think it was Hank Green was here. I know him personally. Oh, shit. Well, hey, congratulations. You have a friend here. All right. Can we go into town? Can you take us there? Absolutely. All right. Let's go get somebody. OK. Yes, I'm starving. Robert, do you do anything? ah No, I just don't go with them to town. ah Do you look at anything? Do you interact with anything? Is there anything that you think your character would feel compelled to do otherwise follow them?
00:11:18
Speaker
not at this moment okay um so yeah you just well i guess you are a mime kind of so you um or to break those old habits yeah so any facial expressions that you're making just like so if this were a cartoon and the camera cut to you like what what would you'd be doing or like, you know, would you be miming anything? When he said, this is luminous, I went, oh, they're like, you know, I'm doing like a big surprise face. Sure. Yeah. And then when he said Hank Green, I went, oh, you know, like the mind doing surprise face. um And then when he said, let's go to town, let's get a feeling. Oh.
00:11:56
Speaker
That's a beautiful role play. I appreciate that. Take an experience point for Robert. That's great. Oh, yeah. um so Sometimes guys will get experience points to say, hell yeah. I love it all. You leveled up all night. So you guys follow, ah well this person hasn't told you their name, but you follow this bunny creature um as it skips down like this long hill and as you go down the hill,
00:12:22
Speaker
Cass, I know you've got, I should address you by Everett, I guess, but Cass also has this mind for big colorful things per her Sasha, Rocket Run and Forkers. So like, you know, I wanted you to kind of help me flesh out this, like what you imagine this world is like, I'm kind of building it as we walk. So aside from being like kind of lens flare, colorful pastels, you know, fluffy things everywhere. Like what do you imagine as like you approach like what would be town?
00:12:50
Speaker
I feel like everything like all the buildings and stuff would probably be made out of like candy and like gingerbread and stuff like candy land. Yeah, basically like it's like candy land and we're legitimately like walking into the ah cupcake forest with the ah cupcake princess. Oh, yeah. it's a cup The cupcake princess right now is ah she actually you see her she's wearing this beautiful blue gown. um She's it like standing around like this field of like kind of like these like their frog like creatures but they're very furry. um And she's got like she's got this like beautiful melanated skin. She's got like beautiful brown eyes like dark hair. She's got like bracelets like as far as her arm can go on either side. So actually a cupcake.
00:13:38
Speaker
No she's not a cupcake either way. I'm still gonna slap you and be like Deeb's. Deeb's. Yeah you got it. You got it bud. Did you say college you got it cowboys? No I said you got it bud.
00:13:54
Speaker
Oh, you got a cowboy. no um So you see this this gal, ah she's like she's kneeling down next to all these kind of frog like furry frog like creatures. And she's just kind of like giving them little scritches on the heads. And as she pulls her fingers away, like a little a little magic flash of light, so but like a blue light flashes. And you see there's just like a cupcakes with candy cane stabbed in the middle of them everywhere. And everybody's rejoicing. Yeah. Yeah.
00:14:24
Speaker
And they're just like skipping around her, licking the candy canes and taking little nibbles out of the cupcakes as they run. And you see with every nibble and every lick, they get like a little shinier. Their fur gets a little bit more healthy. And they just look like you know little tears that come out of their eyes of joy. And they're just prancing around this princess of cupcakes. What do you do? Well, that's strange. I turn to the bunny guy. Hey, what's your name anyways? Oh, hey, actually, I was going to ask you that.
00:14:54
Speaker
Oh, I'm Jay. I'm Jay. Bitch. Yes. I'm i meet Jay proto. Jay proto. Nice to meet you. Hey, nice. Jay proto. Can you give me a name? Oh, hi, Everett. And then that's, uh, Pierre, right? Hi. Pierre Robert de la mayor. Yes. We. Pierre. Okay. Robert de la mayor. Also, Jay, I am creeped out now. I do not want dibs anymore. Yeah. Okay. Uh,
00:15:20
Speaker
Yeah. So, uh, that was really weird. Um, can you like, so they, I don't even know what to ask here. This is, Oh, let me ask you something. Okay. What's up. Give me a name. Oh yeah. That's right. You need a name. I thought she would, you don't have a name. No, I'm just a bunch of bunnies that just slapped themselves together. Now I'm a bunny, a big one, a big thing. All right. Uh, what do you think Everett?
00:15:50
Speaker
Yeah. Somebody's pretty good.
00:15:54
Speaker
ah Let's see here. She like kind of does like a circle around the bunny and like looks him up, like gives him a good, like, you know, thorough looking and, um, she's like fluffy. You want my name to be fluffy. Yep.
00:16:17
Speaker
And then he puts his hands on his, he puts like his fists on his, on his, uh, on his hips like he's Superman and puffs out his chest and goes, fluffy it is. Let's go guys. I can't wait to tell everybody I finally have a name. Um, and he says, do you guys want to talk to the princess or do you guys want to head to town? I don't have to talk to her. She's just doing a thing. She does that every day. They have like food and stuff in town, right?
00:16:41
Speaker
Oh yeah, food as far as I can see, but the only thing is you're not allowed to eat the buildings. You can smell them, you can get real close and get a little lick for fun, but there's a two lick limit on every building. Does it sell like miniatures of the buildings if you like the taste or smell? Do we sell miniatures of the building? We. Hmm, that's a good question. I don't know if anybody's ever asked for that before. Maybe. Maybe if we cannot leave, this is business to start.
00:17:11
Speaker
Hey, you know what? Most people don't leave here. So yeah, you might want to think of that. What? Like, okay, wait, do you have food besides, you know, sugar? Oh yeah, certainly. We got steaks, big steaks, little steaks, medium rare steaks. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. Let me get some of those. They're pretty high up. Oh yeah. We put them really high. So the steaks are high here. That was a good pun.
00:17:41
Speaker
What's a pun? I'm a bunny. but but ah All right, Fluffs, just take us sit into town. We're going to get something to eat. All right, cool. I'm just saying, if you want steaks, you can get them, but you got to get really, you got to go up high to get them. That's all I'm trying to tell you. Oh, Fluffs, I like that. That's a good, that's a good, uh, like quick nickname. I like that. Let's just call him Fluffs. yeah So my name is Fluffs now.
00:18:04
Speaker
Well, you're fluffy, but you go by fluffs. Like, I've got this friend, her name is Cassie, but she goes by Cass. You know, it's just kind of like, it's like just shortened it. It's like a nickname. Okay, so I have two names. Cool. Yeah. um And he jumps up and clicks his heels together and he goes, yay. and You see a little bit of fur fly off his feet as he lands and he says, all right, let's go to town.
00:18:27
Speaker
um And then we approach town and ah Justin, AKA a Pierre, as you approach town is a big sign that says welcome to on it. What would you say in this land of luminous the town is called? Dingelberg.
00:18:42
Speaker
Did you say Ingleberg? Dingleberg. Oh, Dingleberg. All right. All right. All right, guys. So look, this is Dingleberg. You know, the crown jewel of luminous. um So come on in, you know, make yourselves comfortable. um I've never really brought guests around town before. This is very exciting. Oh,
00:19:05
Speaker
thats fluffs and i oh is this is this a restaurant right here? It sure is. Which one is this? Uh, this is called everything but sugary bullshit. Yeah. The everything but sugary bullshit. It's kind of new. Um, uh, started by people who we found out there were some diabetics here that had to be really careful about that kind of thing. And so they started this everything but sugar, everything other than sugar bullshit store. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to go in here. So I'm starving and I gave my bag out of it.
00:19:42
Speaker
you Get your fat geta away Get away here just inhaled that thing and I am French. Yeah, we get it Here's a bottle of wine and some cheese too. Thank you. I'm gonna go inside though All right, cool. You know what? I'm just going to be out here skipping around. yeah You know, I don't know how long I'm going to be a big bunny creature, so I want to make the most of it. It like just kind of happens at random. Oh, OK. All right. um Yeah. All right. That's cool. You do you and I open the door. All right. You go in and he smiles at you and like a bunny falls off his face and starts hopping around on the ground and goes, ah, dang, it's happening again.
00:20:25
Speaker
Um, okay. Uh, so you're going to go and do the, are all of you going into the, everything except sugar, everything? What is it? Everything that's not sugar bullshit is what's yes pretty much. yeah Yeah. Okay. You guys go in and, uh, David, since you brought it up, what do you see in there? Uh, I see a, uh, a bunch of peanuts everywhere. Yeah.
00:20:50
Speaker
You mean like on the ground or just on the shelves? and Both on the, well, I mean, if you've ever been in one of these places, it's on the ground. It's fucking on the chairs, on the tables. It's ah in boxes available for free. um And there's a lot of red and white everywhere and the workers are wearing red shirts and it's just a fucking five guys.
00:21:11
Speaker
It is a five, guys. You got it. All right. And you see something. You walk in and you say, welcome to five. I mean, everything that's not sugar bullshit. How can I help you?
Cracks in Reality
00:21:21
Speaker
ah But this is just a five, guys, man, like that's. I don't know what you're talking about, guy. Nope. Oh, OK. There's only four guys back there. Well, that's just. But you're but you're number five. ah Dan, you got me. All right. There's five of us. So ah Are you guys like real people? Like yeah ah so I should I should say, are these real hi humans? Are they like human looking or like? Or are the ones in there? Yes. Well, there's a there's a there's a um there's a giraffe working in the back. um But all the rest of them are humans looking. And how did you get here?
00:22:01
Speaker
Uh, you know, we just kind of got here, man. Um, it feels like it's been so long ago. I don't remember exactly. I just know we were here and then we just made the most of it. ah You know, actually, and then you see you see the giraffe, like six or long neck, like overthrewed into the conversation. And she says, wait a minute. I remember you said that you had just gotten blown up and then you were here and you thought you died, but you made it here instead. Right. Oh, yeah. And he goes, oh, yeah, right. It feels like that was so long ago. But yeah, you're right. I think we were about that we were getting blown up and then we were here. Oh.
00:22:42
Speaker
Jay. Wait, we were about to be blown. I'm getting Russian now. Shit. Yeah. Viva. Viva about to be blown, Jay. That's pretty good' close, close enough. Oh shit. Wait. By the Belgian and the Dutch woman. head there They had bombs with them. ah why They were the bomb. They were the bomb, you know? I thought they were the bomb.
00:23:05
Speaker
Yeah, but like you said, you know, oh, oh, oh. yes Yeah, we got bombs. We got bombs. You guys need some? Well, I know you guys have bonds or fucking five guys, right? So, um, yeah, people love ours. It adds a good kick to all of our burgers. Can I get a burger without the C four in it? Sure. Would you like C three no mustard? I'd like mustard on it. Yeah. Dice onions. Yeah. A little bit of diced onions. It sounds good.
00:23:32
Speaker
OK, cool. And the giraffe like puts her long neck out and s serves it to you from her head. Oh, that's that's probably unhygienic, but that's fine. No, there's no germs here in Dingleburg. No germs, huh? No germs, no bad germs anyway. We kick those all right out. Only good germs here in Dingleburg.
00:23:56
Speaker
OK. ah
00:24:00
Speaker
Well, I'm going to try to eat this burger then you eat it. And it's I mean, you can tell me, but it is one of the tastiest, most juiciest burgers that you know has ever existed in the world. That doesn't tell me anything because that's your standard five guys experience.
00:24:17
Speaker
do You got it. you This episode is brought to you by five guys. That's right, guys. Five guys eat fresh. Could you forgive me? Eat fresh. Could you imagine if some fucking employee hears this podcast and we're like ripping on five guys and they send it to corporate, it's like a dumb idea and they go, we need role players on the stat. It's like they fucking sponsor us because we're just saying that they put C4 in their burgers.
00:24:41
Speaker
but what ah Hey, listen, if you're a Five Guys employee, hey, hey hey go ahead and let us listen to some of these episodes, okay? Go ahead. Yeah. ah We'll totally retract our C four statements as long as you pay us. Yeah. If you pay us, if you pay us, we will we you we will bat under the corporate overlords. We'll have no thoughts unless you tell us what those thoughts are. um Anyway, um so yeah, you get a burger. It's great. um Then you guys here. Oh, I should say Everett or Robert. No, Pierre Robert de la bear. Are you guys doing anything while you're in this place other than calling dibs on a giraffe woman?
00:25:20
Speaker
Um, Pierre, uh, yeah, Pierre once he says, Oh, I will have one of the hot dogs. Oh yeah. Here you go. What, what, what, what, what? And it's a 20 foot long hot dog. Oh, this was quick. Thank you very much. Yes. You're welcome. Very much. Welcome to America. I mean, luminous. Yeah. Well, this is Dingleburg in the grand area of luminous.
00:25:49
Speaker
You guys new around here? Where does Luminous reside? Oh, well, that is a question for, ah well, actually, I don't know anymore if you could ask him. But we once had someone who kind of ruled this land named Tough Tony. And, um you know, he kind of fell in some hard times lately. So I don't know if he's going to take any visitors. But um Tony would know. Usually he would know anyway. He's kind of the keeper of knowledge around here.
00:26:19
Speaker
Oh, okay. ah where Where is this tough Tony? Well, we don't call him tough Tony anymore after the incident. um Frankly, he's been called, you know, I think it's kind of mean, but everybody's kind of been piling it up. They've been calling a milky Tony on account. He fell in a bucket of cow's milk recently and kind of lost his status as tough Tony. ah Where's milky Tony then?
00:26:43
Speaker
um I mean nobody knows he when he fell into despair. He just kind of Disappeared, but you might be able to follow the trail of milk Just no one's been brave enough to follow it what and I looked down and there's a trail of milk Yes, I don't know Yes, there's a big old puddle of milk where it started and then you see the bucket over there It's like yeah, that's the cows milk bucket over there. Oh he this is this happened like five seconds ago as I was you're saying and Yeah, it happened five seconds ago when he fell into the bucket of milk by accident. Okay. He was a great folk hero of our town. And, you know, now he's, he's lost all status. Everyone's forgotten what made him cool and tough. And now it's just milky Tony.
00:27:28
Speaker
And then like, as this person says Milky Tony for like the second or third time, you see like a literal crack in reality just go, and she they look over and they're like, huh, well that's interesting. And you see just like fire, like kind of like peeking through these little cracks in reality. And she's like, I wonder if Milky Tony could fix this. Another one goes, p another crack in reality. Milky Tony, Milky Tony, Milky Tony. Crack, crack, crack, crack.
00:27:57
Speaker
How can I get David to say the most stupid name? I don't know, right? That was crack, crack, crack. Crack, crack. You see like half of the giraffe's head is like getting pulled into one of the fabric tears. She goes, oh, it's so beautiful. I can't. And she pulls like half her face out and she looks like a giraffe version of Two-Face from Batman. I knew it. We're dead. We're in the war. I don't want boobs anymore. Aw.
00:28:28
Speaker
Uh, guys, guys, I don't know. I don't know how to tell you what I saw, but it's not frightening. It's not fun. And there are bad germs in there. All right. Let me see. No, you have a beautiful face. Do not ruin it.
00:28:44
Speaker
i Put your hand in. Don't look inside there. what he Why not? well ah Roll a tough roll. If you got to poke your head in there.
00:28:58
Speaker
I got Not good. I got a two. I'll have a W2 face as well. Yeah, you come back and half your face is just like scorched. Wait, wait. I have a new ability. I can just pay it backward. I can roll three dice and select the best two to give someone advantage. What? To give them advantage? I get disadvantage um on me later. There's no advantage in this game. Now there is, bitch. I got it.
00:29:25
Speaker
Give yourself, as someone else, an advantage on any roll. Roll three dice, select the best two for your result. Whenever you do this, the keeper gains one hold. The hold may be spent to give any hunter, but usually you, a disadvantage. Roll three dice and select the two worse inside. Oh, so you just want to add the two best dice together instead to get your new roll. Yeah. Gotcha. It helps them or not, but I got a four out of five and a four and a three.
00:29:47
Speaker
Okay, so that would make it a nine for Jay Proto, which is still a mixed success. seea time Anyway, i put I put I try and put a bubble around his head. You know what, we'll say it's not fully two face, but like his ah like from like his cheekbones up on the left side of his face is is just like a gray goop, like like gray scar tissue.
00:30:09
Speaker
And Jay, when you poke your head in there and you take a look and you feel just like this immense heat, um that's hot. Yeah, you see just unimaginable horrors that like just like blink in and out of existence for your brain. And like all those images instead of just being something that you see, it's almost like they are like polaroid pictures just coming and slapping you with like burning polaroid film. I don't know what you call that the paper that you print your pictures on, but like. hey hit what Hold on a second. It shouldn't be a nine. It should be an 11 because he has a plus two.
00:30:39
Speaker
Oh, you're right. Back all that shit up. I made a perfect bubble around your head, baby. You're safe. so Oh. Oh, then the scar tissue. You know what? The the Polaroid pictures could a slap, slap, slap against this little bubble. Yeah. I'll handle it. Don't worry. Your face, your face on scars. No, I come back down. I come back out and I just go, Oh, that was a little.
00:31:03
Speaker
That was a little while. Then I take the scar tissue and just rip it and it's, I'm back to normal. Toss that shit. I love it. Okay. Um, and she goes, Oh, okay. You guys better go sign me. There's Tony right away. Hmm. Yeah, guys. So I saw some like crazy, uh,
00:31:21
Speaker
I don't know. Just seem like some like shock footage like any. I don't know. Shock footage. Yeah, you've been on shock websites, right? Like, I don't know. It wasn't that bad and dot com. I mean, it wasn't even as bad as ron dot com. Honestly, it was it was just like someone was trying really hard. You guys seen ah Event Horizon? You think bugs or something weird like that? No, I was like unimaginable horrors. Like, a you know, people being mutilated.
00:31:50
Speaker
Yeah, like people getting like. You meant centipede? Yeah, i like that kind of shit. And like, ah I don't know, you've seen like old like paintings of hell and shit where people are getting like boiled alive, that kind of shit. Yeah. easy sos even Yeah. I mean, I've seen worse. So Jay, as you're saying that, you see like peeking through one of the cracks, like it's a fracture in ah in a window. You see, ah you see Maxine Steel starts beating on the crack of it and she goes, Jay, Jay, is that you?
00:32:20
Speaker
Jay, my dear. Oh, my God. Get me out of here. Jay, please. He knows these bombshell. Yeah. Here, give me a hand. All right. um I'm in a grabber. You're going to pull vaccine steal out of the. Yeah, I don't want to i feel bad. That was pretty annoying.
00:32:39
Speaker
Well, that was where you said was your guys chased her into another dimension. I didn't want her to go to like the horror dimension. I didn't know horror. di dimensionches I want to to give my hand. I want to. ah I pretend to twist my hand off, but I pull my sleeve up and and I throw him ah a.
00:32:53
Speaker
I'm basically a mage hand, I'm gonna throw a visible mime hand. I don't wanna watch that shit. Like a big Mickey Mouse glove or some shit. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna say that your magic works pretty well. This is pretty basic. Nothing's like pulling her in, she just doesn't know how to get out. So you reach, you grab ahold of her, the mage hand grabs ahold of her and you guys yank her out. But as you pull her through, you create more fractures in reality, because you pull her through.
00:33:21
Speaker
She's, you know, she's not tiny and the crack is really small. Jay's going to take the, take his hands, both sides of the crack and then just close it. Hey, good job. You closed it. Good job, Jay. You closed it. Yeah, you guys act like we haven't done, like, weirder shit than this. I don't know. Jay, I love you so much. Shut up. My kids, do you want to have zero? Oh, okay. Can you listen? I didn't know if I can impregnate you. Stand up. Stand up. Help her up. Help her up.
00:33:51
Speaker
Listen, and I brush some brush some of the fucking scar tissue off her or whatever. Yeah, she's like, like dust. All right. I mean, so that I probably can't handle looking at rotten dot.com that long. Sorry. Uh, can you, uh, can you just fuck off now? Actually, this is a nice change of pace. Uh, yeah. Um, just, keep just call me, you know, I'm going to go and heal for a little bit because I've been in and a hellscape for what feels like 8,000 years. So I'm going to go in, um, a couple days to you. Hey, whatever. Shut up. And they're listening. You want to talk about hellscapes for a thousand days. You made me launch watch the entirety you of lost and you never apologized. I thought you were enjoying yourself. He didn't say anything. Yes. Cause you duct tape my fucking mouth because I was trying to keep bugs from crawling in it. Do you understand how, you get the fuck out of here.
00:34:52
Speaker
That's my love language. I was trying to protect you and include you on things I like. Okay, I don't. sort just You're just a rude person, Maxine. I'll change for you, Jay. No, you won't. Is this the lady that stole my car in like? Yeah, it is. We were in the middle of the desert. Oh, my God. Like, you'll see ever. She's like just in the back, like towards the entrance. Like she's sucking on her milkshake that she got. And she like just throws the milkshake in Maxine Steel's face.
00:35:26
Speaker
Exact feels kind of good because it's cold that I just been in a hellscape for 8,000 years. I'm sorry but it makes it ah if yeah If if if it makes things any better I have a piece of it on me No Okay, I make I kind of wanted to keep it. ah I want to make ever another milkshake while this is going on Okay, row plus cool to see how cool of a milkshake it is
00:35:51
Speaker
that's a 10 best bestest milkshake ever mango cheesecake please thank you very much here and i toss it with the lid on she she grabs it from midair Maxine, Maxine puts your like pulls out like a like a like the like the red plastic covering over like one of the tail lights from your from your car. She throws it on the ground. It manifests into like a ah cycle and she hops on it and she says, All right, I'll see you around. I guess, Jay, don't be a stranger here and wherever the fuck we are.
Maxine Steel's Entrance
00:36:22
Speaker
It's luminous. Hey, go figure out how go figure out how we can leave.
00:36:26
Speaker
All right. You got a baby. And then she drives through the door, making a hole in the wall at the Kool-Aid man with her bike, dude, heads off downtown. so she She sucks. Why would she, but she couldn't use a fucking door. Hey, we have a drive-through window now guys. Yay. That's a, that's a really wants to blow up her bike while she's driving away. You're going to try to blow it up. Yeah. How do you do that? What does that look like?
00:36:51
Speaker
So she pulls out her phone and asks Jesse to send a rocket launcher and blows up the bike. All right. Well, we're just going to make this a kick some ass roll from Jesse to see how he does with manifesting a bazooka. like It fires a homing rocket, essentially.
00:37:13
Speaker
That's a twelve. Jesus Christ. yeah jake Jesse crawls out of your out of your phone, dusts himself off, looks around and goes quiet and then reaches into your phone, pulls out is like takes him like quite a few seconds to pull out this massive like homing rocket. He says, one second, ma'am. And he walks through the giant hole in the wall and he just kind of fires up and here and goes.
00:37:35
Speaker
so And just like a big ass rocket, a comically large rocket flies out of this little hole. Um, and then he walks back in, shoves the market launcher back into your phone and then holds up a pocket watch. He goes, three, two, one. And he hear, and then just like people screaming like about three blocks over. Um, and he says, bike destroyed them. Very good. And he crawls back into your phone. Thanks, sir.
00:38:05
Speaker
Yes, exactly what I wanted. Hey, at least we saw Jesse. That's cool. Yeah, she hasn't used Jesse in a little while. But yeah, Jesse still works here. All right. Beaire, is there anything that you would like to do um now that this all happened? um He's finished eating his 20 foot wiener.
00:38:28
Speaker
um there Still, did did what's your base coming out of the same rift as Giraffe went into in his clothes now? ah Yes. it's well yeah There were several that formed, but the biggest one, Jay just closed with his hands. and Okay. I was just gonna go smoke go outside and smoke a cigarette.
00:38:45
Speaker
You go outside and you smoke a cigarette and you see that off in the distance, not far from where Everett fired or I guess where Jesse fired his rocket. um You see like kind of often like the like the the center of town is a large pillar, like a large kind of cobblestone looking pillar with kind of like a.
00:39:08
Speaker
a purple aura surrounding it. um And not far from where the explosion happened, you see more of these cracks kind of like, now that you're like, you know what they look like, you see them way off in the distance, these cracks in reality are kind of everywhere. And you see this pillar is like dropping rocks from it, like every so often, like every few seconds, you just see like a chunk of it just slough off down to the ground, creating like a rumbling outside, kind of shaking the whole town. Where's the bunny at?
00:39:37
Speaker
Where's the bunny at? ah You see at this point, he's like about a two foot tall bunny person made of maybe like four or five bunnies. And there's like a bunch of other bunnies kind of like hopping around town. He says, hey, dude, what you doing? Having a cigarette. Do you want one? Absolutely. I've never had a cigarette before, dude. Here you go. I give him one. All right. Let me take a puff of that. What is this giant obelisk here? Oh, that's the pillow that holds up our world, dude.
00:40:06
Speaker
Ah, it is ah falling down. It sure is. We're all very scared. This has been going on for a long time? For a while? Only over the past like five minutes. Oh, okay. And I mean, everybody, everyone is scared, but no one is doing anything. We don't know what to do, man. It's never happened before. I don't know what to do about it. Oh.
00:40:30
Speaker
Okay. Um, you say Tony, we got to find Tony. Okay. He knows how to fix everything. Well, maybe. Okay. I look at the door. Guys, the world is falling it apart. We need to find Tony. Yeah, I know. Like there is a giant prick out here falling down.
00:40:53
Speaker
Oh, I'm gonna come outside. Come outside to see the things that I described to him. The big pillar in the sky. Oh, wow. Yeah. so to the ground That looks pretty fucked. Yes. I mean, we. Looks pretty fucked. I don't know, maybe... ah
00:41:13
Speaker
Maybe we should go find a Tony guy then, I guess. I don't know. Mm hmm. Indeed. ah Then as you guys step outside, you see probably about a dozen people, ah so several of which are holding different instruments, um start playing a song and you see like a bunch of these guys kind of do like this choreographed dance number and they begin singing about how how tough tony was once the toughest of all tony's and after the milk accident became milky tony and every time they sing milky tony and other crack forms in the sky um and then uh they say they say essentially the song goes on about like how he was once a folk hero um uh that everybody respected but after he had an embarrassing incident everybody stopped respecting him and now the sky is falling
00:42:03
Speaker
Maybe I'll make a song
Milky Tony's Downfall
00:42:04
Speaker
about it later. I don't know. I reach up and close them. Yeah, OK. Just keep closing them. OK, you close a couple of ones that kind of spark nearby where you are. um I want to make ah an invisible megaphone. OK. Do you want me to roll magic for that? No, I'd say you could just do it. That's easy enough. I want to yell.
00:42:24
Speaker
Everyone stop saying milk Tony. He's making this guy fall down and the Giants don't dick crumble. As you yell that in a big microphone, like a big old sloth of the pillar, like just. See, when I said milk Tony, the killer broke. It wasn't good. And then then the people finish the number. And that's why we say Milky Tony. um And then. No, don't say it.
00:42:54
Speaker
Oh, sorry, okay, we won't anymore, the song's over. But yeah, every time we say meh, every time we call him that, the sky falls more. Just call him Derry Tony, maybe. All right, Derry Tony. And then like you see like little baby bullets, like bullet holes start to form. like but but It's not as bad, I guess. this At least this is something we can do for the meantime.
00:43:19
Speaker
Yeah. And something I would say I'll give you for free is it's, you see that like, even when they struggle to not say Milky Tony, like, and to call him anything else, it's hard not to put an adjective before his name. Like it's like, like the giraffe woman inside, like struggled hard to just say Tony. Like this guy is so important that like he has to have a nickname or like ah an adjective before his name. Is this guy needs to have a adjective before his name?
00:43:48
Speaker
Maybe we can make him have a sort of good accident where he becomes like awesome Tony or something. Yeah, why don't we just call him ah Tough Tony and look around? ah well Do you think he is doing this himself because he is mad? where tough Tough Tony? too tough tone Is that who you're talking about? Tough Tony? Yeah, every time you say Tough Tony, everybody just kind of looks around confused. They're like, who's who's that? Yes, these people are sheeps. They need to be shown.
00:44:19
Speaker
him doing something. Who is tough Tony? i I look around and I check if the if reality is healing itself. It's not healing, but it's not breaking when you say it. OK, so it's a good. So if you give him a good edge to like a badass Tony. Yeah, I mean, nothing's healing because like you guys are smart enough to piece it together. They have to believe in Tony. Like, yes, if they don't believe in it, if they don't believe what you're saying, then it's not going to work.
00:44:49
Speaker
Like they don't know who these other adjectives are. All they know is Milky Tony because that's what happened to him. And nobody remembers why he was called Tough Tony. So if I say like idiot to Tony, like idiot Tony.
00:45:03
Speaker
Another fracture happens. They go, idiot, Tony. Oh, I mean, I guess it does make sense. I mean, what idiot falls into a bucket of milk? Nobody kind of starts laughing in the whole town. Even the little bunny guy fluffs is kind of like, yeah, what an idiot. Idiot, Tony. And like more cracks start to form. Like just like it looks like someone's taken a hammer to reality at this point, just is like splintering everywhere. All right. Well, um then I looked down at the ground and there's a bunch of milk.
00:45:30
Speaker
Yeah, right. attractive the milk the help I mean, you guys see this, right? Like, we have yeah, we did it's so entertaining I look down and I see milk. ah but We should probably just follow this. Apparently this happened. Like the whole milk thing incident happened. Like, I don't know, an hour ago or something.
00:45:49
Speaker
right Literally five minutes ago. oh Literally five minutes ago. like Literally it just happened. That's why there's still a spilled bucket of milk. Wait, just as we got here, does this happen? Yes. This cannot be a coincidence. Oh no, did the milkshake machine break? Well, maybe, but he fell into a bucket of milk. so we Ew.
00:46:12
Speaker
That's weird. Yeah, right. So we better just, I mean, like, look, here's some milk. This must have been a big bucket. It's a huge bucket. Apparently. It's like a milk of money. Milk of that out here, man. All right. Um, I'm just going to start following it. Okay. Uh, yeah, certainly you can follow it. Uh, Everett, did you want to do anything else? Nope. She's just kind of like ah rolling with it.
00:46:37
Speaker
OK, so you guys just want to follow the trail. We make sure there's nothing else that you want to do. OK, cool. Let's make a trip. All right. So you guys follow the trail. um I'm not going to make you roll anything because it's it's a trail of milk and it's pretty consistent. It's almost like a blood trail, but it's milk um and you follow it over to like through town, like past the explosion where you see Maxine Steel is just like trying to taper bike back together.
00:47:05
Speaker
um from like just random explosion you see like a bunch of candy canes like ginger bread chocolate houses that are just like all like melted like actually you know what you accidentally made a ah house of s'mores because the marshmallow home the chocolate home and the graham cracker home all got blown up Um, and so all of the town is enjoying, um, the s'mores because they're not part of a house anymore. So while they're all doing that, Maxine is like trying to take her bike together with like melted, um, melted, uh, marshmallows and shit, trying to fix her bike.
00:47:38
Speaker
Oh, my God, she lived. She's Maxine Rogue Steel, baby. Holy shit. Yeah, she just survived eight thousand years in hell. I think it's going to take more than a rocket the kill maine steel to Damn. But yeah, I mean, she looks actually pretty good, too. Like she doesn't look like she took a scratch, just the bike is fucked up because the bike ain't as tough as Maxine Steel.
00:48:01
Speaker
and Um, so yeah, she's like, God damn it. I hate when random rockets hit my stuff. Son of a bitch. It's like, I hate this place. Um, so you guys follow the trail of milk, uh, out of town. Um, well, it's not exactly out of town. It's on the outskirts of town, I guess, um, to like an open clearing where there's apple trees as far as the eye can see. And you see, there's just a sad looking figure sitting on top of a stump and you hear them just wailing.
00:48:31
Speaker
ah Hey, yeah Tony. ah Yeah, it is Tony. he he He looks up and he says like a name tag on this is Tony. um ah Justin, what would you say Milky Tony looks like? Or and like the the kind of vibe that he gives? um He's covered in milk for sure. He sure is. He's ah he's probably he's he's like a.
00:49:02
Speaker
Not amorphous, but he's almost like a blob man. He's like a tapioca pudding kind of guy. And he wears coveralls. He's a coverall-wearing blob man. Yeah. He's got arms and legs. He's got a body, but he's kind of made of squishy stuff. Sure, okay. Yeah, I can kind of see it. Kind of like the Musinex guys a little bit. Yeah. It kind of looks like a ball of mozzarella, like fresh mozzarella.
00:49:30
Speaker
Yeah, or like a slimmer from Ghostbusters put on pants. um Okay, he looks up and he says, Yeah, that's me. I'm Tony. ah Tough Tony. Not anymore. Why not? Because I've Cause I've, and he just kind of like points to his outfit and the puddle, he goes, because I, and it just like slumps, like his shoulders like slump. And he just kind of like puts his little blobby face in his hands and just like starts to cry again. Yes. You ridiculously fell into a vat of milk. We know these. Why are you ruining the world? I'm not ruining the what I would never, I love this place. I assume you are doing some sort of magic or something. Cause you are mad at everyone.
00:50:23
Speaker
No, I would never. I love this place. Then why is your name so integral to this place? I don't know. Ask the narrator. Who is that? yeah Don't get too metal on me. You of a bitch. You see then like a little ah little fairy kind of pop poofs out of nowhere with like a little banjo and starts kind of strumming a little bit and goes, let me tell you all the story of Tony. He's like, yeah, that's the narrator. My creative and invisible gun and I shoot it. Thank you.
00:51:01
Speaker
just he is goingnna punch Well, he's integral to the... It makes no sound. I just hold up my hand like I'm holding a gun. and i like I jerk my hand and then the thing just explodes. Yeah, just a little banjo falls into pieces on the ground. He goes, oh, wow.
00:51:19
Speaker
Jay Holster's just a shotgun. but Yeah, he has like the six-barrel shotgun ready.
00:51:27
Speaker
He goes, oh, I like that guy. He was cool. Oh, he's fine. His badger's just done. Oh. And then like the the fairy gets up and goes, oh, man. Now how am I going to tell stories? You don't need to get out of here. All right. And a he disappears. OK.
00:51:46
Speaker
What do you guys do? You have you have this sack of a thing here?
Plan to Restore Tony's Reputation
00:51:50
Speaker
Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony what Can he stand or is he just like falling down? He can stand up. He's just being a lump because he's sad. All right. So you felt a thing of milk. Big deal, right? Big deal, man. Who cares? Everybody's making fun of me. I'm going to role manipulate someone now.
00:52:20
Speaker
And you need to like, listen, man, this world depends on you. Clearly the fucking dick over the pillar over there is falling apart, literally falling apart. And the horrors of hell are busting through. So, uh, you got to toughen up, buddy. Okay. I don't know. That sounds like a lot of responsibility for someone named. Yeah.
00:52:42
Speaker
we Totally. But I rolled an 11. I manipulate someone role. So he he says, well, Hey, you know, no one's been, you're the first person that's been nice to me since the milk incident. Um, I mean, are you guys all, can you guys all say something nice? That might be nice. Yeah. You're tough Tony. No, I don't know. You're, I already said something. this you The world depends on you, buddy. Come on. Can your other friends say something nice too? It's kind of making me feel something.
00:53:21
Speaker
For the first time in five minutes. see You seem really, really nice and, um, like huggable, I guess. Oh, wow. No one's told me I was huggable before. I mean, you look cozy. Might need a bath or something, but I mean, you know, you look squishy. I already got a milk bath. yeah We just got to clean you up.
00:53:49
Speaker
Okay, what about you, mister, uh, quiet guy? Uh, I will say to you, do not be a pussy! is The people are mocking you! Got there! Tell them, I am Tony! Shut the hell up! Smack them with your goopy hand! Tell them, Uh, tell them, uh, you are a stupid! Because look at them out there, they're a bunch of little people! You can beat them up! They are little people? Yes. We, even. We?
00:54:18
Speaker
Yeah, we should do it. Don't do a punch, just yell at them. Tell them, stop saying is this about me. Stand up for yourself, Tony. Well, the only... I guess there's one way that I could do that, but I might need some help. Alright, what is it? ah Well, usually the narrator takes over this part, but you broke their banjo, so I guess I'll do it.
00:54:39
Speaker
um But there are, you know, to to become a folk hero again, you have to do something worth, you know, what's have a story created about you that's worth telling. And you have to do something cool for everyone to respect you again. Maybe, maybe there are some trials left somewhere we can do where people will respect me again. Yeah, I got a trial for you. There's this like a really annoying, mean, cold piece of shit lady in town.
00:55:08
Speaker
And you could kick her ass out and people would probably be really thankful. You want me to throw someone out of town? Yeah, well, it's better than, I mean, like, you know, what's more alpha male than that? Well, I mean, I don't want to hurt anybody. I just want people to respect me. I've come, I don't know why they called me tough Tony. I don't remember why they called me tough Tony. All right, well,
00:55:33
Speaker
But everyone will forever remember me as milky Tony. No, they won't not. All right, guys, did I pull a huddle together with Everett and Pierre? Dayla? Dayla, whatever. Dayla, whatever. Dayzaboo. All right, guys, look, we need to make this. We need to give this guy a little fucking ego boost, right? Mm hmm. Mm hmm. All right. What do you think? Can we do a little We kind of play the bad guys here, maybe. You know, let him win. I mean, OK. But like, what happens if he does win? Like, what what happens if he's like actually got some crazy shit going on underneath all of that and then we get fucked? Well, I mean, he knows it is just a fake fight, so he will not hurt us for real. Yeah, we just stage it. He'll who you'll be in on us. Look at this guy.
00:56:34
Speaker
what is he going to do to us That's right. He's a bad. Well, we don't know that he's a bad ass, right? Do you guys, I think maybe tough Tony was like a, one of those joke names. Like you have a big guy call him tiny. Yeah. Like you, you call somebody like fat Tony who's like really skinny and like. best this Or in the very least he's, he knows he's just a set up. So he will not have us. Well, it seemed like as if the town was insulting him.
00:57:03
Speaker
Uh, then the, you know, reality would start to tear. So I think it was a legit name. That's all. I think he's out like this either way. He knows it is just a joke. Oh, well, he set up so he will not hear have this too bad. Right. That's the plan. What do you guys think? I am on board with these. Okay. ever I just want to say, I think y'all are just being really nice to this fellow. I'd really appreciate what y'all are doing.
00:57:32
Speaker
What the fuck is that? It's just a little the narrator that you broke the banjo. I'm to grab it and roll it. You're going to throw them. Yeah. Is there a chasm anywhere? That's that but where like label the line says death at the end. Uh, yeah, but there's a tree with a hole in the middle that says death tree. I throw them in the death tree. He goes, ah, dang, the death tree. Let me tell you all about this thing. at fact And then I got chewed over slowly, like a Venus fly trap for all of it. Uh, and, um, okay. You got rid of the narrator. All right, guys. So let's, uh, yeah. Uh, break, I guess, and we'll, we'll try to talk to him. We'll make a plan. All right. Can I be respected? All right. Tony. lee
00:58:25
Speaker
Go ahead and kill him, Jay. Oh, okay. I'll tell him. yes yeah yeah which yeah Hey guys, thanks for the nice things you said. That was really uplifting. And then like, he looks up at the pillar and you see like, like a boulder kind of like reverses from the ground and kind of like glues itself back in. Like that was nice. You know, you gave me something nice to think about for a minute. That was, that was very nice. Yeah. So how about we, uh, we know, we know a good way to change the town's opinion of you. Oh, please tell me. All right. So we're going to, we're going to stage a fight.
00:58:57
Speaker
You're going to stage a fight and you're going to be like in a play. Yeah, we're doing a little play where you're going to fight us and that the townspeople will think it's real, but you're just going to, you know, kick our ass, but not actually kick our ass. And, you know, we're going to pretend to be bad guys. We're going to come in, maybe like, uh, start eating a bill too much of a building. And then you're going to throw us out, you know, throw us out of town, you know. i Oh, you're going to break the two lick rule.
00:59:25
Speaker
Yeah. And that's, you know, that's a no go. So you gotta, you gotta to lay down the law, right? Uh, I mean, yeah, I mean, that does make me a little frustrated cause there's a rule and you can't lick the building more than twice. Right. So I'll go to like at a third time and then you stop me and you say, no, that's not allowed. And you know, a little fake punch here and there, fake kick. And then I'm like, Oh God, it hurts. Uh, I got to leave town now cause I was beaten up by tough Tony and then everybody respects you again.
00:59:55
Speaker
You think they'll call me Tough Tony? If I refer to you as Tough Tony, you have to get my ass kicked. Yeah. Well, what? Okay. Well, what if when they think of Tough Tony, then they think how Tough Tony turned into Milky Tony. I kind of think I need a new name. Badass Tony.
01:00:14
Speaker
Oh, well, you see like another rock goes flying up from the ground onto the onto the pillar and he goes, I like the ring of that. That's wow. Badass. to right Yeah, yeah, you're a badass guys, right? He's a badass, right? Am I ah am I a badass little clown? A clown. Am I a badass? He says to you, Robert.
01:00:34
Speaker
I look around, I look around like the John Travolta meme. Who is clown you are were speaking of? He's a mime. Oh, I thought I thought. Oh, well oh, I'm sorry, mister. I thought you were. I'm sorry, Mr Mime. How do you do you think I could be badass, Tony? Hey, I haven't been calling you milk, Tony. Do not call me a clown. ah You see like a rock falls off off the pillar crashes. Um, Jake, Jake puts it back on the top.
01:01:01
Speaker
just guy I mean, you could be called super badass, Tony. Really? I mean, oh, man, I don't. Do you guys think that we did? Do you guys think that they'll go for it? I feel kind of bad lying to everyone. Yeah. I mean, you're not lying. We're just OK. We're lying. But, you know, it's it's it's to it's the healthy universe or whatever here. So I think it's sure. but I guess it sure beats actually going through trials and proving myself. This seems a lot easier.
01:01:31
Speaker
Yeah, I don't really. Yeah, I just this seems like a lot of work and this is. Hey, I'm I'm cool with that. You know, I'm pretty tough myself, so you don't have to go too soft. You can make it look pretty real. OK, I have zero harm, so. I have zero harm as well, at least physically, emotionally, though I'm nearly dead.
01:01:50
Speaker
That's all right, man. And do you know, I could even get you like a cool like outfit or whatever for like your thingies, because then you would be given more like bad ass if you had like a better outfit. i'd Let me just get let me just get Jesse out here as Jesse. I need to get this guy a bit of outfit send. Yes, ma'am. What would you like?
01:02:12
Speaker
hmm let's make him look like he's got big muscles and like um yeah let's uh fix this shirt here and yeah and then let's um change these to jorts instead of the overalls because nobody thinks you're a badass in overalls i'm just saying yes like yes like like like sir jonathan chana with the jorts got it Yes, exactly, exactly. But instead of the ball cap, we're just gonna. Hmm, what should we do for the top part of this, Jay? What are you thinking? Denim jacket. How are we going to make him look badass? Denim jacket, for sure. And some sunglasses. Oh, yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah, we're going to have to get him some sunglasses and a denim jacket, like just like he said.
Creative Content Discussion
01:03:02
Speaker
All right. Send. All right. And you see, like, he jumps out of your phone.
01:03:08
Speaker
Uh, pulls up like a big curtain, uh, and then like over top of Tony and then just, so it's kind of doing like a lot of work, like kind of cartoonishly, like you see like scissors come out to cut his hair. If he had any, you see like, he's doing like a quick shave. You see like he's like cutting like, like the Grinch, how he cut like an outfit out of like the curtains that he has in his cave and shit. Um, he's doing all that kind of fun stuff. Um, roll for me, a tough roll to see how tough you make Tony look. Okay.
01:03:38
Speaker
It's very important to roll. Oh, no. Are you going to do a help out? Okay. Roll. ah roy is my yeah I'm uh, I'm going to use my sidekick. I can make you look good or whatever. Uh-huh. Where I can just replace. Oh, cool. I like that. Okay. I love that skills. Technically. That's kick ass. I forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Awesome. Do that. Yeah. Roll that. I think I roll. What do I roll? I just do the same roll. So what was that? I think some, yeah, I think tough, tough.
01:04:04
Speaker
Check out 11. 11. So I'm just going to replace your fucking role. Yeah. So you like go behind the curtain to would help Jesse just like like dress up and shit. And yeah, he comes out looking really cool. He's like he's like a kind of like a blobby alternative to like Jack Lazer or Jay Proto. Hell yeah. Except in shorts. He's actually looking like a badass because shorts are him. He's wearing double denim. Right. And that's just completely badass. So.
01:04:34
Speaker
Yeah, his collar's popped. He's like, whoa. Wow, I feel happy of myself. Yeah, you look fucking cool, man, right? Right, Mayim? Right, right, right, Pierre? Right, de la mare? Hey, let me get a good look at this man. I reach my pocket, pull out invisible pair of glasses, put him on, squint. This could kick my ass, I think, yes.
01:04:58
Speaker
we see See look at that this could kick my ass ah Okay, so um I don't know why but I just kind of think of like what if we made a book called could this kick my ass? And it was like a survival guide for like people in the woods Like by Bear Grylls. That would be hilarious. Could this deer kick my ass? Here's ways the deer could kick your ass. Yes, it can. Yeah. Could this kick my ass? Volume one. Yeah. Yikes. OK. So yeah, we need to make that. Maybe we can make pages of that for the website, Cass. We can just do Candace Kick My Ass. Yeah. We'll put it in the blog because there's a whole empty spot for a blog. Yeah, let's make some entries for Candace Kick My Ass and see if people like it.
01:05:44
Speaker
Yes. All right. We can use your little AI generator to make like pictures of like tough deer. Let's do it. All right. We're working on this. All right. So this is the creative process for anybody who asks. Yeah. This is how we come up with shit. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, he's feeling really good about himself. He says, okay, so how do what What kind of fight are we going to have? like ah you i mean Do you want me to just approach you? Are you guys all going to do something nasty? Is it all going to be different crimes? One big crime? like and What's it going to look like here, guys? ah I'm going to start eating a house. and then im about the When I'm about to take the third bite, you just come up, push me out of the way. You just push me away from the house. And then I'm going to try to punch you. and thought I'm going to give you a right hook. You're going to step out of the way.
01:06:38
Speaker
And you just punch me right in the face, but don't, you know, not too hard. And then I'm going to go down and I say, Oh man, bad-ass Tony here. Fuck. And then I will say, no, oh I will come in, try to stop you. That's my friend. I will say, and then you will punch me and I will say, Oh geez, this guy is badass. He kicked both of us.
Staging the Fight
01:06:59
Speaker
And then Everett, you come in, right?
01:07:01
Speaker
ah Maybe you should know I'll just be filming the whole thing. It's fine. And then that way we have roots. Excellent idea. Oh, you can yeah use. Can you make your little man put big screen for everyone to see? I mean, I can hack into like the billboard or something, I'm sure. Oh, I don't know what any of what you're talking about, but it all sounds like you're really excited about it. Yes. All right. We OK.
01:07:29
Speaker
All right. Well, hey, look yeah, let's do this. And you see like a couple of cracks like start to like disappear up in the sky. And it's like, yeah, this is my town. Almost right. Nobody, nobody licks the building more than twice. That's right. to see it out We're going to head down to the center of town now. Okay. Right near the pillar.
01:07:48
Speaker
Okay, I'll, um, yeah, I'll come find you in a minute. I just kind of have to psych myself up a little bit and then, oh Hey, you got this bad-ass Tony, super bad-ass Tony. Yeah, super bad-ass Tony. Yeah, super bad-ass. He like starts doing like little squishy push-ups on the garlic. Just like, it's like bubbles start to pop and gurgle as he puts up like.
01:08:06
Speaker
ah Come on, badass, Tony.
01:08:12
Speaker
So you guys are going to go into town. Any other preparation with your production, your show that you want to do, or are you just going to go straight to, like, licking? Like, are you going to try to get any publicity? Are you going to try to... you know I'm going to try to... Are there people there? How many people are there? Oh, yeah, tons of people. There's people that are enjoying, a small like, s'mores near the wreckage. Oh, that's right, yeah.
01:08:32
Speaker
I'm just just going to be pretending to be filming Jay and be like, oh yes, see on a daily stroll through a town. none She's like vlogging. Yeah. yeahp
01:08:49
Speaker
I'm going to start with my trip to luminous. I'm going to try to get everybody's attention. Sort of okay. How do you do that? I'm gonna be like wow these s'mores Look great and I'm gonna Try to take a smore You're just gonna take a smore from like i take a smile from the pile. Oh, man. I'm so glad I can eat the buildings finally I've just wanted to do this for the longest time And you see like one like little dragon boy. He said, it's like, yeah, me too. It's when it breaks off. It's fair game. We just can't know how to lick it when it's still part of the building. Oh, so like I can't I can't do this. And I like I saw like the side of a building. Well, yeah, but you can only do it one more time, Mr. Otherwise, you know, as it breaks the rules. Oh, OK. And I'm like, so if I like a building three times
01:09:40
Speaker
No! Something bad's gonna happen, huh? You hear, like, an audible gasp from, like, 50 people. like
01:09:48
Speaker
It's like, no, don't look at that one. One more time, and that's it. What are you guys gonna do about it? Who's gonna stop me? And I'm looking around for Badass Tony. You see, like, the Dragon Boy goes, well, I mean, you haven't broken any rules yet, mister. You can lick it one more time, but there's other buildings to lick. Please, think about what you're doing. and I'm gonna lick that building again.
01:10:09
Speaker
All right, so now you're up to two and he goes, that's it. Now you have to find another building, mister. Like he's talking like it's like s'mores falling out of his mouth. He goes, please don't do this. You've never seen what happens if you look up.
01:10:20
Speaker
And he's like, I don't know. Everybody starts looking at him like, who? Who's going to stop this this rogue? And then you hear Maxine perks up and goes, rogue? Hm? And you see. That's fucking bitch.
01:10:35
Speaker
Somebody say my name. And you see like, you see Tony kind of like starts coming through and he sees like slapping himself on his like kind of jiggly face he's like boom. boom Come on, Tony. Come on, Tony, let's go. You're not milky Tony anymore. And he like walks up, and he says, hey. He kind of like holds up his hand, and he has like like written in cotton candy and like chocolate frosting like on his hand like what he wants to say. He's like, hey, you don' don't don't you lick that again, mister. Oh, are you going to stop me? I hold stick my tongue out, and I'm inching it closer and real slowly.
01:11:16
Speaker
are you guys got me he says he like hold up his He pulls up his sleeve a little bit further and goes, hey, I'll hurt you if you do it. ah If you try.
01:11:31
Speaker
And they go, milky Tony. And then like this starts to fracture a little bit. And they go, like oh, no. Is he going to? What's he going to do? And they kind of like they're darting their head back and forth to like watching your tongue like move so slowly towards the building and Tony. And he like rolls up his sleeves and goes, I'm milky Tony no more. And he starts like charging at you. What do you do? Do you put your tongue on the building? No, I'm going to try to punch him. You've got to punch him.
01:11:56
Speaker
Um, so you're gonna try, you're gonna miss him, right? Let him dodge so that way he can hit you, right? Yeah. Um, so yes yeah, why don't we make that just like a manipulate someone on everyone else? Okay, all right. To see like if your show is convincing.
01:12:13
Speaker
That's a seven. There's a couple people that may be in the right angle kind of like, I'm going to spend a point of luck on this one. ah serious its Like on the on a fake fight. I love it. I think it's fantastic. That's wonderful. That's my second one. When I spent luck, an enemy from your past comes back into your life and they aren't happy to see you, which I don't think that part's true.
01:12:40
Speaker
um Yeah, um so you you beautifully like go to swing this punch. It barely connects with or barely misses him. He like is like jiggles out of the way. He brings like a big old slap like kind of like a penguin slap. Like he just his hand just forms into like a little just like flyswatter. Just slap right into your belly, giving you a pink belly. Oh, my belly. And he says, hey,
01:13:07
Speaker
That's a warding shot. Put your tongue anywhere near that building again, mister. And wait, you'll see my wrath. Oh, Pierre, oh, help. well This guy's a badass. He's stopping us from looking at the buildings. You badass. Stop hurting my friend. You badass.
01:13:28
Speaker
ever You're filming this, right? bridge Oh, yeah, I got all of this. Don't you worry about it. You see, like there's like five different versions of of Ash Jesse on like little drones like flying around like with cameras, like taking pictures and kind of like projecting it up to like billboards and shit. And he's like, yes, ma'am, it looks quite good. Jolly good. Quite indeed.
01:13:52
Speaker
um And ah so Pierre. Is it Pierre Robert? or robert Pierre is pierre roberto pierre iss his first name. Okay, good. Pierre, because your bladder is empty. Yeah. I'm going to jump over at him. I'm going to try to pretend to punch him. Punching style. Now, do you want to do another manipulator? Do you want to do something with your magic to make that look good? um and No, I'm just going to use my classic mime skills. and Oh, actually.
01:14:22
Speaker
Oh, I want to try to use my put on a show ability. Oh, hey, what's that? You can entertain people and get them to feel joy and forget their troubles. Oh, shit. Decide what the show is like, which is a fake fight. And I can use it far more weird, but it's going to be pure performance. So I'm going to roll it. um can you Can you bring that the skill up on the screen, too, so I can look at it? can look Let's just look at it there. That's awesome.
01:14:47
Speaker
On a 10 plus, the audience is transported and happy. The troubles and trauma are eased in their minds for a good while. That's awesome. That's fan-fucking-tastic. I'm going to roll charm as I jump and pretend to punch this guy. Oh, no. here um I ah yeah too am going to roll. I want to roll to help out.
01:15:11
Speaker
Never mind. gotta How about to get him up to a six? Yeah, I forgot. oh yeah um I don't know what the condition is on my psychic skill. i' use I'm going to use luck and I'm going to succeed as well. I'm going to help out too because I'll be able to like boost him up while like I'm filming and shit. Okay. ah Yeah, just go ahead and roll help out anyway. We'll just kind of see how this all resolves. But he's going to roll luck, I think, either way, right?
01:15:38
Speaker
That's a 9 for a help out. So that boosts it up to a 6. So like you're helping out to try to like get make it look more real and get the cameras in the right way. What's his modifier on that roll to put on a show? Plus charm. All right. Yeah. and Plus charm or plus weird. I got a 10. Damn. Wow. You know what? I'm going to say, do you still want to use your luck or do you just want to roll with what he did what they did to get you up to your 7 or 9? I'll take that 7. Yeah. OK. She's filming it well, and I guess Jay's like,
01:16:05
Speaker
oh no help me I'm like it just says that there's a ruckus when you're done but um but it says like the effect lasts a while or no it says the effect just lasts a little while or you pick one or the regular time but there's a ruckus when you're done um There could be a little Just a little ruckus? OK. Yeah. So yeah, you jump in. ah You go to throw. He barely stumbles out of the way. He forgot his line. He forgot his place. But like you really make it look good. And he goes, all right. And then like you see for a brief moment that like his his like the lens flare on his sunglasses is like fucking perfect. And you see it's almost like an anime character just like coming up with a really cool idea about the casticle spell or
Revelation and Resolution
01:16:49
Speaker
some shit.
01:16:49
Speaker
One day. And then he just like he just like grabs you by the collar and just like chucks you into like a graham cracker building and just like breaks part of the wall. um And he loses control a little bit and forgets that it's an act. And you take two harm as he throws you into the wall. OK. Oh, my God. Are you all right? And we draw. That's right. I'm Tony. And Tony.
01:17:19
Speaker
Badass Tony. And then you see Maxine Steele flies in and kicks Badass Tony into the wall, um sending him flying. And she goes, hey, don't you touch them like that, you son of a bitch. And then the crowd just like lets out like an audible gas and they start getting crazy, like throwing chairs that are like just made of like jello and stuff. And they're just like kind of causing a ruckus as like Maxine Steele enters into the fray because she thinks that this dude's like roughing you guys up.
01:17:47
Speaker
All right. Jay stops time. That's your luck special. It's our coming back to be annoying. I figured Jay stops time. You stopped. Maxine. Except for me and Maxine. Right. It's like, it's like a Scruff McGruff thing. We're like everything or like a Malcolm in the middle thing. We're in the hyperbaric time chamber or whatever. Hyperbolic time chamber. What? What? I'm trying to help you. You're we're fucking faking it.
01:18:18
Speaker
What? I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean you're faking it? sh We're faking a fight so that he gets an ego boost and this world doesn't collapse. Wait, OK. You're telling me that this is all like a ah ah pro wrestling thing. Yes, exactly, actually. And we're the heels. Sure. Why didn't you say so? Because you just showed up.
01:18:46
Speaker
are You told me to try to find a way out of here. I didn't know this was the way out of here. Okay, well, help us. So, you know, take a hit. All right, I can do that. Take a fall. Here's bucks. 20 bucks. Roll manipulates someone with a plus two advantage because you gave her 20 bucks. right I got a six, so I failed. You rolled a four with a plus two and you got a six. And she says, she takes your money. And she says, you know what? And she tucks it back into your pocket. She goes, one more date. That's what I want. Okay, I swear to God, if we end up watching Lost, I will kill you. I'm sorry. I thought you liked it. Okay, I won't leave your mouth either. Okay.
01:19:35
Speaker
All right, I get to leave at any time, though, if it's bad. Yeah, you can pick where we go. I just want to hang a little bit. That's all. All right. Cool. Deal. All right, right on. Follow me on. Yeah, follow me on the Chum album and we'll talk about it. We'll make plans.
01:19:53
Speaker
Um, man, she shakes her hand and then she charged in and she makes like a big show. She pumped up the crunch. She goes, I'm going to put this loser in the ground. He's not bad ass. I'm bad ass. And the only way you could be bad ass is if you beat me. Um.
01:20:10
Speaker
And then she charges in um to go and attack him. But um let's have ah Everett. Would you roll for her since you are kind of the camera person? Roll to see if you can make her attack look good, but shitty enough for Tony to counter. Because Tony's like reeling over in the corner. So you have to. Yeah, Tony's reeling over in the corner, like just like not realizing that like what the fuck didn't just happen to him. Eleven.
01:20:36
Speaker
And Eleven, she goes and throws the best punch you've ever seen that barely connects with him. And like you see her hand like breaks part of the wall, like where she goes to swing at him. And she goes, I'm in with the plan, buddy. Just go ahead and give me a good wallop. And like without even thinking, like his sunglasses fall off like they're cracked down the middle. His eyes are like a bright red and he just like forms just like this massive like stone fist out of his like gelatinous hand and just socks fucking Maxine so hard. She flies off like Team Rocket into the distance.
01:21:06
Speaker
um And just disappears somewhere in the sky and like he like slams his fist into the ground it starts shaking He goes Tony Tony and he goes what did you call me Jay? What did you call me? Badass ah um Because yeah badass Tony and then like he starts chanting it and the whole crowd starts chanting it and badass tony badass tony um and then like the pillar starts to rebuild itself all the cracks and bullet holes in the sky start to disappear and all of a sudden all the rainbows form back the clouds are there all the buildings have repaired themselves everybody's happy they're high-fiving tony giving him a hug um which you realize he's probably never gotten a hug before um so that's really making him happy and you see like the stone pillar starts to like
01:21:55
Speaker
form of a topic like a metal coating that like reinforces it into like a steel pillar and like and then everybody's just happy and they hold him up over their head and he cheers and he looks down at you guys and he gives you like a goofy thumbs up piers piers hand comes up out of the rubble shaking um so ah a shit thumbs up up
01:22:20
Speaker
I feel like she's going to reach into her bag and pull out one of those like confetti um poppers and just start like popping them here and there just to get people's attention to like um badass Tony's like awesomeness. Awesome. Yeah. So you make that the scene is really pretty. It's really nice. Everybody's happy. And um all of a sudden you guys are back in Greenland.
01:22:51
Speaker
ah Like all of the fancy stuff, all the wonderful, colorful things, the interesting characters, the interesting lighting, the lens flare, the fluffy things, ah the candy houses, all gone.
Return to Reality
01:23:03
Speaker
And you're back at your ski resort in Greenland. And you see ah in your little um sauna house, in the little sauna building, you see there's like a little rift that's torn like underneath the the sauna, like in the water.
01:23:19
Speaker
and Not the sauna, not the sauna, the hot tub, excuse me, um and a hot tub. And you look into the hot tub and you see ah you see an image of of badass Tony being lifted about by his peers and being cheered. Aw. This is so sweet. Justin cut off.
01:23:39
Speaker
yeah yeah have happened at best time I'm saying something stupid and he probably closes browser is some shit
01:23:58
Speaker
but he doesn't say something funny when he comes back i'm just going to end the episode there i'm fact no i i reach pierre reaches over to the tree beside the beside the spa and he grabs a little bowl of tapioca pudding and he says but to
01:24:24
Speaker
If he doesn't say something funny when he comes back, I'm just gonna end the episode there.
01:24:57
Speaker
well does it look good already
01:25:20
Speaker
Does it look good already?