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The Affordables 1.3: Three Badasses And A Baby
32 Plays21 days ago
3 years after their last mission, The Affordables get a call to escort a demonic canine called The "Dog Goblin" around town for a few hours until he decides to leave for another decade or so. The gang quickly realizes that this will be no easy task and then ultimately decide they hate that spoiled little demon mutt; Chimichanga especially hates it. Let's see what happens, shall we?!
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Transcript
Introduction and Recap
00:00:30
Speaker
as you go all good and well hey hey hey guys good morning good afternoon and good evening ladies gentlemen non-binary folks of universe none no no no this is role players and welcome back to episode three of the affordability we've got Cass we've got ah David and we've got Justin here doing our ah little 80s action theme thing set in the modern era um hey guys should we talk about what happened last time or does it matter what do you think
00:00:57
Speaker
Yeah, look at talk about it because I forgot already. Oh, all right. Yeah. I mean, this whole plot is loosely tied together. So um tell your friends if they want to listen to the affordability, they don't have to start an episode one, but it helps.
Bayesian Jungle Adventure
00:01:09
Speaker
um So what happened last time? These guys were dropped into the Bayesian jungle um after ah Blake Dancer said, hey, there's a war of bots and skeletons going on over there.
00:01:25
Speaker
and I have a sapling that I planted there last year, and I don't want it to die and so these guys heroically jumped in with a ah with gusto in their hearts, and there was some hacking of robots and chimichanga got a got a flame machete and and ah and I Jack Lazer got to keep a really cool silver bow and arrow that kills robots really easily. And our good friend Everett got to keep a bone that she took from a skeleton as a weapon. um So that's cool. Damn right. Yeah. And hey, you know what else happened? She hacked, and she hacked real good. And then when she was done hacking, she hacked some ore and made all the robots stupid.
00:02:12
Speaker
And Chiwen Changa just walked right into the place and started shooting grenade launchers and stuff. And Jack Lazer said, oh, I'm going to be stealthy. And he started killing guys from the bushes. And then ultimately, they I forget how you ah use a furoga stone and you kill the giant robot thing and then turned it into melted liquid metal and created a a safe space around the tree. So that way it doesn't die.
00:02:40
Speaker
um pretty And that real and I don't think yeah, I don't think any lessons were learned but you guys did the job um And then all of the all of the skeletons ordered five guys at the end um So that was cool um And that's pretty much it ah So let's time jump a little bit because you don't have to go from adventure to adventure We could say that like a little bit of time has passed to see you guys can have a life outside of doing affordable work um So yeah What do you say Jimmy Chang? How much time do you think has passed since you saved ah the bezoic rainforest?
Three Years Later: Reflections
00:03:18
Speaker
um i who Three years. Three years passed yeah as you guys. that's an only rub he' nine or thought nine hundred dollars for last time i doubt that id need more work for us anytime sooning but yeah that I mean, you know what, that's fine. All right. So have you, have you that was a jokey but you know, that's eight five years. okay you want week Okay. So three years have passed. You guys that's job you guys got paid. We're like, well,
00:03:48
Speaker
Guess we'll wait until they crowdfund another couple, couple hundred bucks. So, all right. What's Jimmy Chang up enough to do for the past three years? Um, he's been letting his hair ah grow out and his shirts stay off.
00:04:06
Speaker
And he looks a lot like new Keanu Reeves. Oh, you know, it's funny how that happens. Wow. But yeah, he looks pretty, uh, he looks pretty attractive now and every day he, uh,
00:04:18
Speaker
you know debates whether or not he should cut his hair and he goes, no, not today. He has a new troubling thing. He used to be the grenade launcher, now it's his hair. He has to figure out if he's going to make a decision. Then he goes out into the living room and looks at the grenade launcher and says, no, not today.
00:04:33
Speaker
Not today. Yeah. What about your neighbor? I forget what that guy's name was, but like, you know, he moved. We forgot who he was. Well, I blew a hole in his apartment in ISIL. Like you did. Yeah, you did. And then he blew it. He had to move in that building. Never got fixed. I was going to say, so are you still living there? Because there was a there was a villain there that was trying to make that into slums.
00:04:55
Speaker
Yeah, it's like that. It's like trailer Park Boys when they burned down Ray's trailer and they're just living on the shell of the trailer. That's yeah that's kind of like it was it's not that bad, but it's kind of like there's like a broken window, you know, and like it's it's kind of burned up a little bit or somehow I don't know. It's yeah. So what kind of adventures or ah You know excursions have you been on as like you know because you guys are on the hero list now so you know like when you weren't working there were still people that were coming after you guys because you were on the hero list like it did you encounter any bad guys along the way or did you have a pretty peaceful couple years.
00:05:33
Speaker
No, I think I think chimichanga here just continued working with his with Jane secretary, you know, getting the maybe odd job here and there and i might have gotten another level or two, you know, ah fighting monsters. Actually, I was gonna say that if you've been if you've been adventuring this whole time, you should have another level up by then because I think that's just pretty normal. The thing is, you never fail the role. so Right. right but Every time you complete a mystery, you get two experience points just at the end. so Well, it wasn't really a mystery it per se. Oh, I see. like he didn't really Gotcha. Yeah, it was more like we know that there's Mothman over there, go get him. Gotcha. You look over there and there's Mothman. There's Mothman. We got him. Did you learn with peanut butter?
00:06:23
Speaker
Uh, no, no, no. Oh, so he's not a, he's not a big fan. He's going to be extremely mad about that. I'm just saying. Yeah. So while he's, he was kidnapped, so it doesn't matter what he thinks. Right. um so All right. So you've been doing some odd jobs. Uh, so you're still in your little slummy apartment. Um, that's right. All right. Very good.
00:06:47
Speaker
um Okay, so ah let's figure it so you're still there doing odd jobs with Jane. ah What about jar Everett? What's Everett been doing over the past couple of years?
00:06:59
Speaker
So Everett has taken her hacking skills to another level. She now friends with ah some cops on the force because she has become an intelligence analyst for the ah local cop ah station. You know, she- Local cop station, yeah. Yeah, she um took her hacking skills to good use, kind of like Penelope Garcia on criminal minds.
00:07:27
Speaker
and instead decided to ah help the bad guys or the good guys get the bad guys. Um, so that is, that is what she has been doing. And she also has in her station at the police station, um, that the inside her desk, um, you know, like the, how they have like the, those desks that have like the three drawers on the side. And there's like one really big one on the bottom.
00:07:57
Speaker
Sure, sure. So those are supposed to fit like like the folders or whatever so that she can keep her files. But instead, it's like a shrine to Jack Lazer because she finally got to meet him in person. And some now she is even more in love with him. So he has like ah something that she might have stolen off of him, like some random like knick-knack or something that his extra pair of sunglasses, you know, maybe or something.
00:08:28
Speaker
You're like Helga Pataki with her like Arnold shrine that she has made of gum and shit like in her closet. Yes, but not with gum. Not with gum. No, not with gum. Gotcha. Okay. Yeah, she took like little pictures like with him in the background and her like, you know, like super close. You know how like you take a selfie with somebody or somebody like early in the background. She took a bunch of pictures of them together when she was on that adventure. So she's not like creepy at all. Not at all. No, no, no. Okay. Uh, okay. Cool. So it definitely sounds like a level up for you to you and you and, and, and chimichanga have been very active. Um, I think you both should level up from your adventures. Uh, cause you still learn.
00:09:10
Speaker
ah All right, Jack Lazer, Jack Lazer, what have you been up to? I apparently since for time jumping three years, what is Jack Lazer up to? um Probably um went to Thailand for a little bit. Thailand? Yeah. Why Thailand? Had a little mishap with ah with ah with a hooker that happened to have a penis, it turned out. Yeah, OK. When was it though? You know, we all you're in india i have paid I paid 150 bucks.
00:09:39
Speaker
Yeah, so you had a good time. That's good. Well, I'm glad that you I'm glad that he decided, you know, you know what, we're here. Let's let's try it out and you know once see what happens. They say when in Rome. um yeah And then, you know, he blew his 20 bucks he made from the thing in underground Thailand gambling. And then he was like, I had to find my ah second pair of glasses. I'm missing them.
00:10:05
Speaker
and he And he went on a killing spree. No, not really. A killing spree? No, not really, no. He probably did the same thing to me. He just did odd jobs and stuff. And not so much like hunting monsters. Like he probably like at one point took a job as a mechanic in like Nebraska.
00:10:23
Speaker
Rough. Like end like yeah he became a lumberjack. A mechanic in Nebraska. Yeah, that's my favorite. Well, like Wolverine goes like, you know, he goes right. There was a wall and he like just starts doing odd jobs. and Right. And just kind of lives off the grid, getting paid under the table. But also like, you know, any movie like that, you know, I've been working my normal job, but suddenly, oh, no, there's a an orphan in trouble, a young teen being chased by the mafia. I got to stop them. Yeah. know Yeah, that happens all the time. I'm there to help. Yeah. All right. Well, that definitely sounds like Jack Lazer also.
00:11:02
Speaker
should get a level up because he's been working hard. Fuck, yeah. I'm fucking taking those lug nuts. Tighten those lug nuts. It's a good skill that you develop there. Yeah. OK, so a few years past and, you know, you you don't hear much from Blake
Mission with the Dog Goblin
00:11:16
Speaker
Dancer. um He just says, well, when I have more work, I have more work. um And then you guys all get a notification in the group chat and your Discord server, one you haven't gotten messages on for a little while from Blake Dancer. And he says, who wants work?
00:11:31
Speaker
um and you all get get the option to check in. Do you guys type anything to him or do you just accept the? Jimmy, Jimmy Chang, I'm immediately surprised. Yes, me, me. Okay, awesome. All right, ah Jack Lazer, do you respond? um He typed back, what's the job? What's the job? Okay, ah Everett, do you respond to anything?
00:12:00
Speaker
Yeah, she replies with the gif with Christina Aguilar, where she's pointing at herself with both fingers. Gotcha. Cool. um And so um immediately, you guys get a get a group chat ah call from PlagueDancer. It starts ringing right away. Good. Bing, bing, bing, bing. I press the the green check mark or accept button. Gotcha. OK.
00:12:29
Speaker
so everybody pops onto to the call i assume um so can you see a familiar q as we jo like
00:12:41
Speaker
I'm right. my first like ah Yeah, you guys. Right. Cool. Uh, got a job long time. No, see how the fuck I don't care. Kind of give you a job now. Y'all want to hear right? Here we go. Um, of course I do. All right. So look, look, I'm not going to lie. It's going to be a really fucking hard job. So just, just, just so you know, you're going to get paid a little extra as long as you don't end the world. That's right. This is an apocalyptic threat that I have y'all dealing with. Are y'all ready for something like that?
00:13:10
Speaker
Of course. Really? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Right. You guys are taking this actually quite well. I'm telling you that you might end the world in this job and you're you're okay with it. Well, tell me more. Tell me more. I said maybe. All right. So I'm just actually quite surprised. I thought you were going to say fuck off, Blake. But okay. Cool. Cool. All right. So.
00:13:34
Speaker
As you all know, there's monsters in the world, y'all seen them. So there's there's this thing called the Dog Goblin that makes its way around like every so many years. ah Real cute little guy until he gets real fucking pissed and then he's just like a real menace. From from Jack Lazar and the sounds soft. Did you see the fucking Dog Goblin? Right, it's the fucking Dog Goblin. Thank God.
00:14:01
Speaker
so the dog goblin no so every so often blake blake oh for three years all of a sudden you're dropping the god dog goblin on us my god what's the dog goblin what the hell's that you never heard of the dog goblin so every so the thing is Alright, so the dog goblin, he goes by Hector when he's on Earthrealm. His name's, but but he's a dog goblin. He's a real cute little guy until he gets pissed off. And he comes around every so many years, and usually I have people go and escort him around to have some fun. He has things he likes to do. And as long as you keep him a happy little pup, he's fine. But when he gets pissed off, he just starts raining hellfire around everywhere.
00:14:43
Speaker
Uh, you know, he just starts really terrifying people, setting things on fire, possessing people, making things explode, you know, the huge, um, so essentially what I need just like my kind of dog.
00:14:57
Speaker
Right, well, you know, it's also apocalyptic, you know, one time, you know, ah many moons ago before I was born, um my predecessor. ah Well, I wouldn't say my predecessor, but somebody like me who was trying to prevent world domination from creatures, you know, just and instead of fighting them, just said, hey, let's go get some ice cream. And that was fine back then, because he didn't know what ice cream was.
00:15:18
Speaker
I'm so anyways you know just something that happens every so many decades or years depending on what he feels like showing up i just got where it is gonna show up and he's looking for a good time i made arrangements for you guys to go and pick him up at the airport.
00:15:32
Speaker
Um, and just show him a good time around town. Um, so you just got to take him to some cool places, make sure he has a good time. And, uh, then that's it. And you get paid also did another round of crowd funding so I can afford you guys again. And hi, hey I made 1200 bucks. So I can pay you guys for a couple more jobs. Um, so, you know, how do you guys feel about taking around on a cute little apocalyptic doggy for a little while and showing him a good time.
00:16:00
Speaker
What type of dog is it? He's a corgi. Oh, fucking yes. I mean, you're working with like ah like a chihuahua or something. I just like picture the Taco Bell dog in my head. ah Now, you know, I know why you would think that they're like feisty little facts, aren't they? And the worst.
00:16:20
Speaker
Yeah, but now he's a cute little corgi, but he just turns into a little dog goblin son of a bitch ah when he gets mad. So like, he'll tell you where he wants to go. But last time I checked with him. Now this could change. He has things he likes, such as extreme temperatures.
00:16:35
Speaker
He likes if it's really hot or really fucking cold. um He likes superheroes, last I checked. That was a pretty new thing for him. He likes, he likes heroes, heroic things. He likes explosions. And he also likes chasing cats. That one's been pretty consistent since I've known about him, Adam. So extreme temperatures, superheroes, explosions, and chasing cats. So just keep meditating for a few hours and he'll tell you when he's ready to go home. Just drop him back off at the airport and he'll fly straight to hell and you won't see him for a little while.
00:17:05
Speaker
but What's like his favorite snack? I don't know. You have to ask him. OK, I think I'll stop and ill I'll stop and pick up some ice cream. I got a cooler here. I'll get some ice. I'll get some liquid nitrogen, too. And I'll be right on to the airport. Well, you know, it's a good idea. Take that shit straight to the airport security. They'll be fine with it. Well, now we're going to I'm going to stand outside of the side that says dog goblin.
00:17:33
Speaker
Right. That's what you should do. he That way he knows that. ah I don't know if he can read ah English words very well. So you might need to like put like a picture or something on there. Okay. Put picture. Okay. Got it. Um, yeah, he's still just just, just, just kind of, just to remind you, I don't know if I said this, but like he's like several thousand years old, but he has the mentality of a small child. So like, right yeah he's very temperamental. So you just have to like, you know, could treat him like he's just like a little guy.
00:18:01
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, these things live, they're immortal. So, you know, a thousand years old, there's nothing for them, right? Right. Yeah. That's like a toddler for us. So just like, you know, just keep in mind of that, like when you're trying to like reason with them, cause you're just a little fuck. umm I understand. Right. All right. Any, any questions? Are you guys okay to do this? Cause I'm telling you. Well, hold on. Why is he a goblin though? what do What do you mean? Is this, does he like transform into,
00:18:32
Speaker
some kind of goblin form or is it like? Right, yeah. He changes form when he gets upset. No, no, he he will straight up shape shift when he's pissed off. OK, I got you. But but normally he's so like corgi good goblin bad. Right. If he's a little corgi boy, he's a happy little guy. But if he starts like if his skin starts to bubble up and his hair starts to fall out and his teeth start to get real big, he's turned into the dog goblin. I swear to God, he's a fucking nightmare.
00:18:57
Speaker
yeah chey Did you hear about that one time? 20 tourists went missing at the Mount Rushmore? That happens all the time. Wait, what was it? 1978? I don't care. 1975 it was. that That happened. Oh, yeah. I mean, I just figured they you know got caught up in some like ah tourist trap or something. you know so No, he he made Lincoln's nosebleed. He showed them all up there.
00:19:25
Speaker
like it's those yeah Oh, I didn't know that. ah and I didn't know that was like living rock. I didn't know that was possible. Well, it's not you. He shoved the people up there. They were. Oh, it's from the people. Oh, my God. It was the people's blood. Oh, my goodness. They didn't have enough of his snacks. And it was it was too temperate that day. with my
00:19:51
Speaker
It was a beautiful day. and he united it God damn it, South Dakota. You fail this again. Are y'all talking about South Dakota? I fucking hate it there. Fucking, are y'all just talking about the big mountain that's got the weird guys on the front? Fucking hell. Yeah. I feel the same way. Nebraska. Oh Nebraska, ugh.
00:20:17
Speaker
It's almost like we were just there or in Oklahoma. I don't remember where. We're in Oklahoma. When you pull into Nebraska, it says welcome to Nebraska. We are sorry. Yeah, something like this. I thought so. I thought so.
00:20:36
Speaker
Yes. says you yeah You missed Kansas a little while back. Turn around. Go that way. i'm right All right. Well, have fun. you know Make sure you pick them up it ah at 10 a.m. ah at the airport. That's when he's expected to be out and ready from departing from the plane. and Wait, so you mean in like 15 minutes?
00:20:57
Speaker
Yeah, like 15. Oh shit. Yep. 15 minutes y'all. Oh my God. I'm running out of the car. All right. I i remember my cooler though. I got my cooler. Yeah, I have your cooler. um I don't know if you have time to stop for liquid nitrogen, but if you want to try to get some on the way. I'm going to stop at a gas station and grab like so like like you know a couple bags of ice. Okay. I thought you were going to say I'm going to stop at a gas station and grab some liquid nitrogen because I was like, there's probably one somewhere where you can get it.
00:21:23
Speaker
I'm gonna ask the guy I go in there and I'm asking the the the person at the register like, Hey, you guys have like liquid nitrogen? ah Yeah. Can I how much is it? It's like $4,000. $4,000.
00:21:39
Speaker
Yeah, do you know how hard it is to get liquid nitrogen in a gas station? That's a steal. Give me. Jay wires you money like very immediately so you can get. This is rad. This is awesome. it's like i and I get like this you know steel steel tube with a like liquid nitrogen in it and I throw it in the back. and ah Yeah, I need to call bags of ice too. I'm going to... Yeah. Right. All right. That'll be $2 for a bag of ice.
00:22:05
Speaker
Two dollars for ice? I know inflation. I'm buying a monster rehab. All right. Can I interest you in our rewards? Do you have a rewards card, sir? ah No, and I got to go. I got to take care of this dog goblin.
00:22:23
Speaker
Oh, all right. Well, um but just so you know, it gives you five cents off of a gallon of gas and um you know you get points and you can cash in to get you know um free stuff, right? Depending how much money you spend. Next time. Next time. Next time, Frank. I'll do it next time. All right, fine. Yeah. All right. Well, have a good day. That'll be $4,002, please.
00:22:48
Speaker
Yeah, I hand them my credit card. Cha-ching. All right. And so you get, is there anything else? So you get your monster, ah your beer. I guess you got it for free because I didn't charge you for the monster. So you got a free monster rehab, a bag of ice, and a liquid nitrogen container. yeah Excellent. All right. So while while you're doing that, I had to do the airport. ah Jack Lazer, are you what are you doing, my guy?
00:23:13
Speaker
I'm stopping at my ambiguously located lock up. My level, if I just did, since I said I was mechanic ah periodically, I took the driver skill from some other class. I don't remember which one. I can have plus one for driving, and I can hotwire things. And um
Meeting Hector, the Dog Goblin
00:23:29
Speaker
but I also have a Toyota pickup and a windowless van. I got two vehicles. Oh, wow. So you really you went from just having a ah motorbike to yeah like a little garage. Yeah. Did you pick driver two?
00:23:42
Speaker
Do you have driver as well? um nice yeah like get I get my window as Vegas. I think it's that'd be a good thing. Take this thing around with the kids. We need to shove them in the back. and if he's getting You guys sound like a convoy now. wait i don't have no You don't have a driver, but you have a Ford Focus. But I was the driver.
00:23:59
Speaker
you are We're all drivers. That's Sunday driver. Yeah, Sunday driver. She's learning how to do all of like the maneuver driving while she's working at the police station. Sure.
00:24:14
Speaker
you know lu in the in the mood to like learn how to do that shit so she like does it on her like ah breaks and stuff notcha okay ah so so yeah so jack laser oh by the way to me changa did you level up from all your three-year experience of doing work yeah yeah I'm just taking a point of luck off or OK. Doomed off. Doomed off. Yeah. So so Jack Lazer, you stopped by to get your what now? A van. I was like, I think like you're taking your van. Yeah, like a windowless van. A windowless van. Yeah. Like it has no glass in the windows. What?
00:24:52
Speaker
Like it has no glass in the windows and you mean like there's no windows in the back of the bag yeah yeah like oh i see gotcha when is the hay when a piece of candy. vans Right oh i thought you were talking like you just got like an old beater that did not when is it. and
00:25:08
Speaker
Yes on yeah on the side of the white van you can see there's like a very faint they've been tried like scrub off and paid over and says. free candy, but it's free something. We don't know. Yeah. Free. Yeah. It just says free on it. And like all the, all the concern is like, yeah, free freedom. You can still see like the decals from like the previous business that had it before that says, um, uh, it's like got like Korean writing on it. It was like a Korean church. had it Yeah. yeah anyway so I drove that to the gas station near the airport and I see a Ford focus pull out just as I pull in. Uh-huh.
00:25:44
Speaker
and I get out and now Jack, later he's rocking like a beat up cool guy leather jacket. He goes in and looks around. Where's your sunglass rack? It's right beside you, man. Damn. Couldn't see him.
00:26:03
Speaker
Oh, mirrored aviators, huh? All right. How much for these mirrored aviators? That'll be sixty five dollars. It's a steal.
00:26:17
Speaker
you Think to five bucks for gas station sunglasses. The Raven. Yeah, I pretty much live off of gas station sunglasses every day. I've ever owned a gas station sunglasses.
00:26:32
Speaker
Oh man. I like getting them at Walmart for five bucks. Yeah. That's a good steal. I need it. All right. Cheap necklace. A cheap necklace? Yeah. Check the liquid nitrogen section. I like some of it. I go find like a, a necklace has like a little cheap little like that, like bend a really easily bendable metal, like a ying yang thing on it.
00:26:59
Speaker
I don't know how much for this little chintzy yin-yang necklace. I don't know. What's the price tag say? I can't see it from here. It was under the $1 section. All right. Well, I guess it's a dollar then, guy. All right. Thanks. I snapped the yin-yang off. I throw it. I put it in the take a penny, leave a penny.
00:27:16
Speaker
oh Somebody's going to find that and think it's pretty neat. And I used my mechanics skill to fix the sunglasses to the end of the necklace. yeah but but so Gotcha. I like it. You know what? I like that a lot. Have have an extra point of XP. That's pretty funny that like you went on like a whole thing just to get a new pair of sunglasses because Cass's character's still yours. I haven't done it for three years, but I just realized.
00:27:37
Speaker
It took you three years to replace your second pair of sunglasses. Okay. um I did have another pair, but it got lost inside of a tie hooker.
00:27:48
Speaker
say
00:27:53
Speaker
Inside of a tie hooker. Got it. All right. No, the Thai Hooker is a monster. It's like a big monster made of ropes and hooks. That's why I went there with the ocean and the edge of Thailand. Yeah. Filled many a fisherman.
00:28:16
Speaker
ah great I'm laughing like way too loud today, Jesus. The Thai Hooker. Okay. It's the Thai Hooker. I'm going to put that in my monster book. Yeah, please, please. And then he's a calculator. You know, I need to I need to add him to the to the creature companion volume, too. That works out pretty well. Oh, man. It's like the um fishing pole with legs on Toy Story, how no one understood it was actually Matt Hooker. Yep. yeah um All right. So. um All right. So you got you replaced your sunglasses. ah Now what are you doing? Are you just heading to the airport?
00:28:55
Speaker
Yeah, I go straight to the airport now. All right, Everett, what are you doing before you are you doing anything before you get to get to the airport in 15 minutes? No, she's just jumping in her. ah ah It's like a really it's not like really like a sports sports car, but it's like a Nissan, like one of their I can't remember what it's called, but they've got like this really fast car that I saw a fast car and GTR.
00:29:22
Speaker
The GTR. Yes, the GTR. Thank you. I couldn't. I knew it started with a G, but I could not fucking remember. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, it is continually considered a sports car, but it's. Yeah, so she's going to get into her that car that she has and into her that race to the airport. All right. Roll for racing. Roll act under pressure. Yeah, it's a souped up GTR. They made it into a sports car.
00:29:51
Speaker
She hacked some robots to make it into a supercar. There it is. She hacked the car itself to make it into a sports car. A Niner, you get there pretty quickly. You beat Jack Lazer there by several minutes. um do You show up with like fire streaking behind the car. um Not because you were going that fast, but because there's flames spitting out the back for coolness.
00:30:13
Speaker
um And, uh, yeah, it's a dangerous to everyone else on the road, but it's fine. Uh, so you guys all arrive at the airport. Uh, you see a plane touching down. It's like a black and red plane. Uh, that's got like fire coming off it and like a big, like red aura kind of around it. I hope that play I hope everybody's okay on there. Oh, you think that's our guy? Uh, maybe, I don't know. It looks like the thing's about the crash.
00:30:42
Speaker
ah And it's on its way but Yeah, it it slams down onto the ground and erupts in like a big like mushroom cloud explosion up into the air. Oh, no. Oh my god. And hope everyone's okay. And then left on the tarmac is a fucking core. He just stayed in there. i and and And while that's happening, Jimmy Chang is just looking at Everett's car.
00:31:08
Speaker
just sta Just eyeballing it. Yeah. He's like, dude, that thing is sick. Get that thing. Ultimate hacking skills while I was working. That's pretty sick. I like the flames coming out the back. I don't know why, but I don't know why that's necessary, but it's rad. You know, I thought it would look cool. So I just had to do it. That's dope. Anyways, do you want to go like help those like The plane crash, maybe. Well, it was a crash. I behind. Wait, what? Oh, wow. There's a dog out on the. Oh, my God. Well, we got to get them. You see like a bunch of melted corpses start to like form together, kind of like the liquid metal of like the Terminator 1000 or whatever it was that you 1000.
00:32:01
Speaker
um It just kind of like forms together and builds itself up like Alex Mack from Nickelodeon and like starts to form together into this like probably like three and a half to four foot like bipedal corgi guy. um And he just kind of standing there like with his tongue out of his mouth looking around like lot like with kind of like a little teardrop kind of like forming out of his left eye because he's lost and he doesn't know who's supposed to be picking him up. And oh would do we know he he' even when he's not a dog goblin, he just goes by dog goblin, right?
00:32:30
Speaker
Oh, his name's Hector. Oh, he just said, OK. Yeah. Oh, yeah. His name is Hector. I could not remember his name. Start running over. You start running over. Now, he he starts to talk to you right away when you call his name. Now, I don't have this planned out. So what do you think that dog goblin Hector in Corgi form talks like? Well, our net. I don't know what that how to do that. Isn't that like like down here? Kind of like horseman.
00:33:00
Speaker
Oh, man. All right. Give me something. Give me a personality trait to give with it because I don't know if I can do a Goodwill or not. So I can do like his Batman i think hilarious and rude, I guess. Like you think you should be a what? Like hilarious and rude at the same time where like he's got like those one jabs, but they're like.
00:33:24
Speaker
Also don't forget, he's a child. but yeah forgetting What were you saying, Justin? he's ah What did you say? I thought I should be like, can you should be like a bro like, hey guys, what's up? He would be like a he'd be like a kid. So he he could be something like that where he's just trying to be cool um because he's meeting new people for the first time.
00:33:44
Speaker
So he's just like trying to act all cool. So he's got like those one liners that he's like trying to be funny, but it just comes off rude because he's a kid. He doesn't realize. Yeah, you see, he like he like pulls out a pair of sunglasses um and puts them on his little doggy face as you yell at his name and he says,
00:34:05
Speaker
Hector, I barely know her. it Was that funny? Was that funny? Guys? That was really good good, Hector. That was really good.
00:34:17
Speaker
okay yeah she Anyways, what are we getting up to? I mean, what are we getting up to? Uh, here, uh, I ah got you a little something, uh, here, I have a hit of this and I get the liquid nitrogen, you know, and I open up the container and, uh, I'll pour them. I take out a flask and I pour them a little, I try to pour them a little shot.
00:34:45
Speaker
yes ah felt Careful. This is a, this is real cold. This is like the coldest stuff I can get. Do you have it? Check this out, and I hand it over to him. Oh, I love how, uh... And it's a flask. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah, it's like you're drinking alcohol. Try this, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, ooh. I do have a request, though. What's that? Do you happen to have a seepy cup lid? I can drink this out of... Uh, no. I run back to my van. Guys, I'm not good with kids. What are you calling a kid? I'm thousands of years old.
00:35:22
Speaker
I'm not good with ah young immortal beings. That's better. You feel like his left eye is like tweaking a little bit and he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm a big boy. like um i' That's right. That's why you get to drink out of a flask if you would like. You mean I shouldn't drink it from a sippy cup? No, you get to drink out of whatever you want. I don't care. I spotted this next to the $65,000 sunglasses. A sippy cup in the shape of a dinosaur.
00:35:49
Speaker
Oh, dang, i I can drink it from his tail. Oh, shit. I mean, shoot. No, I can swear I'm a big boy. Shit. um He starts like he's can you pour it into the dinosaur, please?
00:36:03
Speaker
I try to pour it into the dinosaur but it all kind of evaporates ah as I'm pouring it and I'm just like
00:36:18
Speaker
you know this like ah like one foot tall like yeah metal cylinder and i'm just like here you know just just get out of here it's so cold it's just evaporating immediately so He takes it, he takes it and like like, like starts to drink it, like knock it back. And then like, he just rolls onto his back and like wraps his feet around it and just starts to like, just like starts like using his feet to lift it up so he can drink the whole thing. And he just land on the ground, pound this thing back. He looks like he's enjoying it. You can see like his look at him. Yeah. He just looks like a little, little baby doll right now drinking the baby, baby bottle. Yeah. His kingdom's little legs. Um, loves yeah.
00:36:59
Speaker
So then he just lets out like, he lets out like a little burp that just like freezes everything around him. oh my god um Yeah. So it's just like an ice puddle around him. He says, all right, cool. That was good. Oh, sweet. I'm glad you liked it. Yeah. Do you guys feel like taking a nappy nap now or? Always. ah Yeah, I could. I mean, I just kind of woke up like an hour or so ago. i mean what You want to take a nap? to come ah I mean, I want to take a nap.
00:37:28
Speaker
Hey, I got some blankets in the back of my van. Oh, you got blankies? Yeah. I mean, blankets? Cool blanket comforters? ah Yeah, i got like I got like a little wool one. I got like a, yeah, I got a comforter in there. You know.
00:37:40
Speaker
Oh, it's made of wool? That doesn't sound too bad. Guys, right? That was like a good one. Oh, my God, you're so funny. Whoa, you got a hot chick with you? Hey, I'm Hector. Hey, yeah Hector, you want to. yeah Hey.
00:38:03
Speaker
Do you like do you um do you like Fortnite? I mean, of course, I'm like one of the greatest players on the Internet right now. All right. Someone take me to a to an Xbox or a good but working computer. We need to play Fortnite right now. I've got one in my apartment. No, I'm not a allowed to go to girls' houses. Well, if we have like, you know, ah you know, like people to watch over us, then I think it'd be OK.
00:38:37
Speaker
Wait, what are you guys's names anyway? Wait, what are you guys's names? I don't know anyone. I'm Hector. ah Nice to meet you, Hector. I'm i'm ah um Luke, Chimichanga Smith.
00:38:50
Speaker
Is Jimmy Chang of your real name? Is that what your parents named you? No, no, no, no, no. It's a nickname. It's like a nickname it's or a code name, whatever you want to ah everyone i call it. Luke, Jimmy Chang, a smith that kind of has like a an action hero ring to it. What should I be called? I'm I'm just Hector. That's not that's not cool. I mean, isn't it? and Yeah, I mean, it's OK. Yeah, I think Hector is a really cool name. You think Hector is cool? Yeah. You don't think I should add like a cool like yeah You know, like a nickname, like I want a code name, too, but like, you know. but Are you sure that Hector's fine? Why don't you go by heck and then people can be like, you people can be like, what the heck? Oh, dang, it's like hell, but heck. Exactly. Oh, that's good. That's good. shit Yeah, I'm Hector. What the heck? When is it right? Like you're looking at me. I'd be like Hector. Heck.
00:39:45
Speaker
like Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay. All right, cool. Well, you guys are like really cool. and Like other people like that I have hanging out out with before weren't as cool. So thanks for being cool, guys. no what's what's that What's that guy with all the sunglasses called? What's your name, mister? Jack laser. Your name is Jack laser, like lasers that I can shoot from my eyes. Check this out. And he just like blows up a building with his eyeballs. so um just um Like that? Like that kind of laser? Yeah. Well, um I mean, I guess, yeah, probably. That's rad as hell. Your parents named you that. just i was though I think it was Americanized when my family came over across the the boat. You know, what was your name before? Originally, I think it was laserinsky or something like that. absolutely Right. Cool. ah Wow. um How big was the building that he blew up?
00:40:42
Speaker
Uh, it was, um, it was one of the, uh, what do they call them? The little guard stations that like, they have the the little arm that they lift up and down for people to drive in and out of. He blew one of those up. That was, was there, was there a guy in there? Yes, there was a guy in there. Well, he's not there anymore. No, he isn't, is he? Yeah. There's just a charred corpse and a bunch of shrapnel everywhere. Oh shit. Hey, hector you know what's really hot place.
00:41:11
Speaker
What? The desert. I've been to the desert once. Yeah. Yeah. I i but i was beat up this guy name. Well, I didn't beat him up, but I took this guy Joshua's hammer and then ran away with it. OK.
00:41:25
Speaker
Yeah. All right, cool. He was a carpenter.
00:41:29
Speaker
It's like a Bible reference or something. What's what's what's a Bible? I don't know. What's that? I'm talking to Adam. What? I'm talking to Adam. Yes. Yes, it was. Yeah, Jesus was a carpenter. Everybody knows this. Yes.
00:41:53
Speaker
Um, uh, so he's like, yeah, okay. I mean, we could go to the desert. I guess it's not like the most fun place I could think of. There's nothing out there, but I guess you heard a burning man. Yeah, I just burned a guy. You see him? He's over there. Let's go burn some more men. Yes. Let's burn more men. And he like opens up his mouth and like fire spits out of it. He goes, yeah. like duckcan oh no we likecker i mean I mean, you know, we can we can make a man out of like wood and wicker and stuff and burn that. That'd be fun, huh?
00:42:22
Speaker
So it's not like in a live prison. We try not to kill those. But what if we put somebody inside of the giant wicker man and then burn it? No, I think they did bees. Well, I mean, did they burn him? I don't know. Nick, what's that? Do you want to watch wicker man? No, I haven't. They burn. They burn a guy, I think, inside of a wicker thing. Well, let's not. Oh, he gets out. Sorry, Hector.
00:42:49
Speaker
ah Oh, yeah. OK, well, let's let's ask what the hot chick wants. What was your name, lady? My name's Everett. Oh, Everett, that's like Hector. I only have one name. Well, now I have two. Damn it, Jimmy. che Now I have two names and it's going to make it seem like I'm trying to look cool in front of the one name girl. It's OK. Like. Yeah, no, it's totally OK. I have a second name, but I just don't go by it. OK, it's fine. OK, well, OK.
00:43:21
Speaker
All right, so let's like, OK, do you want to go to the desert then? Is that what we're doing? Yeah, everybody you everybody in the van. We were going to go play Fortnite. Oh, fuck, I forgot about Fortnite. Let's go play Fortnite in the desert. There better be an Xbox there. Let's go. I mean, I guess I could figure something out with my computer over here. She's got her laptop on her on her hip and her satchel. All right. So you guys get them in the van. You guys are taking them out to the desert. Yeah.
00:43:49
Speaker
All right. ah Who's Jack Lazer? Are you driving since it's your van? Yeah. All right. He says he says, why do I have to sit in the back? Just for cool kids sitting in the back of the bus. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. I'm going to turn the AC up real high. Whoo. I love it when it's cold, but I also love it when it's hot. Either one is fine. OK, cool. You're a cool guy. So how do you guys feel about just like blowing stuff up? Do you guys like but like?
00:44:17
Speaker
You know, one of my what one thing I used to do was ah like I would just like blow things up, you know. Yeah, I do. I do that all the time with this this baby right here and I hold up my grenade launcher. Holy shit. Can I use that? I do you know how to use it?
00:44:37
Speaker
You see, like his skin starts to like like his his it first start to turn from like a bright kind of like orange and white to like kind of gray. Like he looks like you've offended him. He's like, what do you mean? You could teach him. You could show him. if he I was just asking. I was just asking. Now I can show you how to do it. Look, can I open the back of the van while we're driving? yeah And I say, I say, all right. But it's it's really lame, like really lame in this universe to like kill people, you know, so we don't do that here. However, um ah You know and then I just shoot it off ah the side of the road you fire it out Just out the back of the van all right, you just kicked you open the back doors and fire it out Where do you shoot it at that side of the road not not in a car? All right, so ah roll kicks a mass against the side of the road. I Just want to see how impressive it looks when you shoot it I
00:45:33
Speaker
That's an 11. That looks cool as hell. When you shoot it at the back, and it makes a cool-ass explosion in the dirt and the sand. It kicks up. He's like, oh, damn, can I do that? Yeah, yeah, here. He just... die you So it's it's got ah six total grenades in there, and there's five left now. But yeah, you just pull the trigger right here, and you know and it's going to go off.
00:45:56
Speaker
Uh, okay, cool. I had it over and I'm just like, please God, please just, he's like struggling to hold it. Here, let me help. I can do it. I can do it. just Come on. I don't doubt that, but you know, they we're cool.
00:46:11
Speaker
hey Actually, hey hey dog, I mean, ah Hector. Huh? What? You call me dog? Sorry? What? D-A d a d-W-G dog. Hey dog, what's up dog? Oh, hey dog. Hey. Hey, yeah. Okay, cool. That's offensive if you would have used the other one. Okay, yeah, no. Also, I just realized um Highway to Hell is playing. Do you find that offensive?
00:46:32
Speaker
Oh, no, I've been on that highway. It's OK. I sometimes I take a nap nap on it when my parents are driving me on it. no yes Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would sleep, too. I was. Yeah. Anyway, um Hector, we're going to the desert. I actually and you want to blow stuff up. I know where the myth busters used to film their shows. What's a myth buster? A weird bald man with a walrus mustache and a another one that has red hair a hot chick. And then. Oh, there's a hot chick there. A normal dude. It's just boring.
00:47:01
Speaker
There's a hot chick blow stuff up. She did. I don't think they, were and they don't do the show anymore. Ever. Are you going to blow stuff up? Yeah, she will. Of course, I'm going to blow stuff up. I love blowing stuff up. It's like one of my favorite things to do when we're out practicing, like all of our like shooting stuff at the police station. Like they let me do all sorts of stuff. Like we had this one thing that like it like shot out and it just went and I was like, oh, my God, that is like the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.
00:47:33
Speaker
Oh, man, it's like that time I was playing Fortnite and I built a tower really high and everybody shot shoot me and I kept blowing up. and I kept building it faster than they could blow it up. And then it would it went. But eventually I couldn't. And my tower fell, but I blew everybody up ah like in real life because I was mad. ah But that happened sometimes. Right. It's like the same thing. You were like the same. Me and you. Yeah, I like it. It's like we're like twins is like, yeah you know, separated at birth.
00:48:02
Speaker
Aha. Yeah. huh And you see like his eyes are like as big as like Puss in Boots, like big like watery kind of like as you were telling your story, his eyes got real big and like kind of glistening and then he wipes it away and tells the story. He goes, Jimmy Chang, are we ah so can I shoot this thing or what? ah Yeah, pull the trigger. He shoots it and it just you know what? I'm just going to roll to D6 is for him just to see how he does.
00:48:29
Speaker
ah He rolls an eight, ah but he has like no skill in it, so he just like fires out, almost takes out a car like off in the distance, explodes. He flies backwards a little bit, like hits the seat.
Hector's Transformation and Chaos
00:48:42
Speaker
He goes, ah, something must be wrong with this, because I shouldn't have been...
00:48:47
Speaker
like how much You know, you see your way awful. You're driving. you You made me not be able to hold still. And I fell back and I look stupid. Hey, buddy, nobody's got shit on my driving. What did you say there? And you see like his like his skin is his his hair is turning gray and green and like his eyes are starting to like turn red. He's like, what did you say to me? let's even Tell me that you're driving is better than we're active to this.
00:49:14
Speaker
Alright, I figured this was going to happen. I thought Timmy was going to. I thought it was Timmy talking, sorry. You're cool, Hector. Azir? What? I'm texting Jane right now and I'm like, Jane, I need info on the dog goblin. i should have I know I should have asked you before the mission started, but I figured you were aware and would send me it anyways. Hey, Hector, Hector, you want to go back to Mount Rushmore? And there's still some blood on the other thing from when you did that. I don't like what people swear at me.
00:49:44
Speaker
A baby is me! I was really swearing at you, I was just like, you know, you were talking, you were talking to shit, so I just... Are you trying to be a mom? I'm taking, I'm going to take a bunch of ice out of the cooler that I brought with me. Uh-huh. And just like, dump it on him. He says, oh, that's a car. Oh, that's nice. That's the, oh, that's nice. Yeah, man. We're just chilling out here, you know? And I'm texting Jane like now, I need info now, I need info now. All right, roll up. We'll investigate a mystery.
00:50:15
Speaker
You were best friends? Yeah. Okay, cool. investigate a mystery. All right, you can ask a couple of questions. i What can hurt it? What can hurt the dig the dog goblin? Yes.
00:50:30
Speaker
And not its feelings. Yeah, I was going to say like Jane's like she texts you back initially and she's she says that ah she's like I'm actually on a hot date right now and it's going really well. um It is. a There's you know, I'm on ah my first date with a couple um and things are going well. They might allow me in. um She's like it's kind of ill timing right now. So I just step away to the bathroom.
00:50:55
Speaker
Um, so thank you for interrupting my date, Luke. Um, Jane, I'm calling her. I'm calling her. I sang i hang up. I hang up. I hang up. I'm like, shit. I can't Jane. I am dealing with an interdimensional creature or whatever the fuck this is. And I just need help for the love of God. I don't i ah you know. I'm sorry. I'm interrupting your, your, your polyamorous date, but like um people's lives are in danger. He's already killed one person.
00:51:26
Speaker
Oh, what? that I mean, in the grand scheme of the world, like, was that guy a good guy or a bad guy that died or? He was just a security guard. Oh, all right. Well, I mean, OK, she does like a little you see like the bubbles like start like popping up and down and then like you get like a whole like like a picture of what he looks like as a dog goblin, at least what's estimated that he looks like. Oh, nice. So if you like some she dislikes and you see weakness is rubber. Rubber. Yeah, he has to consume it.
00:51:57
Speaker
Oh, okay. There's plenty of rovers in this thing. Yeah, there's plenty of rovers in here. yeah and Actually, I don't use them. Sorry. ah so believe in it I'm forwarding Jane's message to the other two. Oh, hold on guys. I got a text message.
00:52:15
Speaker
You're texting and driving? You're texting and driving? No. Yeah, really it's it's really cool to text and drive in this universe. It is. Yeah, it's like really, really rad, really rad. what was shit Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm a good. Roll a roll. Manipulate someone to see if you believe the say. That's a four. um He looks at you and like his eyebrows raised so high that they go off his head and he's like,
00:52:43
Speaker
I don't know if I believe what you're saying to me. And he looks over at you ever and he says, should we kill him? Should we kill this trench coat where a liar should I kill him? No, no, he's he's being serious. I mean, it is pretty cool because like if you can actually like.
00:53:04
Speaker
you know, do it without like swerving at all. You're like pretty much pro. So you know what I'm saying? lord He's actually right about this. And I'm just saying like, it's OK. All right. All right. Jack laser roll plus cool to see if you can stay on the road and effort roll. I manipulate someone to see if you can convince him not to start some shit.
00:53:32
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Oh, I guess he's not a normal person. I do have truthiness. um Whatever you tell a normal person, they'll accept what you think is true. Yeah. What necessarily call him a normal guy? like yeah actually necessarily thank you given I got an advanced success anyway, so I got a 12.
00:54:00
Speaker
All right. So yeah so, yeah, as as Jack laser is kind of like veering here and there while he's reading the message, you convince him and you see um his hair turns orange again and he goes, OK, I mean, if you guys think it's cool ah and I'm not I haven't been around here for a little while, so I don't I don't know. ah You know, it's not cool, though. What? Calling someone a liar.
00:54:27
Speaker
ah And you see he like he seems he seems like flabbergasted. He doesn't know how to respond to that. So he just like like he like bunches. He sits on the on the floor and bunches his knees up and like crosses his arms and like just looks like he's scowling and doesn't say anything to you. Yeah. Good. Get upset, you little fucking bird. And and i'm would and then um Jimmy Chang is going to take off his shoe and use luck to shove it into his fucking mouth.
00:54:58
Speaker
You're just gonna try to kill him? Yes! I'm tired of this little asshole. Who does he think he is?
00:55:07
Speaker
You're okay, so you're gonna roll kicks of ass with your shoe. But I'm using luck. I'm spending luck. Alright, well you get an advanced success on your kicks of ass. What advantage do you want?
00:55:21
Speaker
Um, I want to, I want to, uh, like, wait a second. Is there yeah there's a big advantage? but again Yeah, there's different advantages that you can get if you roll high enough. Where is, uh, so there it is. Thank you. You expanded. I got you. homie So on a 10 plus I want to force them where I want them. Where do you want them?
00:55:44
Speaker
Um, I want to shove a shoe in his mouth. And then I want to pick him up because he's, he's clearly light because he got knocked back by the grenade launcher. So he cannot wait that much. He doesn't. And I want to pick him up by the neck and just chuck him out of the van. Just chuck him right out of the bag of the van shoe in his mouth. And then he throw that I want back today and and want to on the way out too. you punt them and Alright, so I am gonna need another role for punting so it'll be another kick some ass but you have success wash again. I'm using my well and I'm not feeling this. I got two more and then I'm doomed. I don't care but Okay, so kick his ass right out the fucking door um As you shove a shoot his mouth and like he's like turning green and gray and black Jack stop the car yeah like and you putt about the door
00:56:33
Speaker
the He gets like a car behind you and it just fucking explodes like he just mows through it and it turns into you know what it doesn't explode it just a moment he touches it. Everything inside of it is melted like the whole car just melts and implodes inward and he just keeps bouncing off of other cars like in the background as you guys do that. I'm just melt when you feeling it is past leaving a hole in the pavement.
00:56:56
Speaker
Man, this is a really bad decision. yeah are we Are we killing this guy? Well, you guys don't have to stay. I hop out of the back with a grenade launcher and my shotgun. I grab a lug wrench out of the back and I look at it and it looks kind of like a cross, right? Yeah, totally. Listen, he's weak to rubber, right?
00:57:19
Speaker
the look Get the tires out get the tires off the car. Okay, so okay here imagine. Okay. Here's what happens. Jack Mason throws off his leather jacket bearing his big burly muscly arms. He has his lug wrench in his right hand. He hoists a big old tire out of the back and his sweaty arms and his left hand. Oh, man. oh What a man, right? Yeah. That's right. So badly. sort that's Hard for him. And he comes, he jumps off onto the road. Bump, bump, bump. He follows you. He's going to beat that. You go mash your shit out. He's going to look good doing it. definite So did you say you picked up a wrench?
00:58:00
Speaker
Yeah, lug wrench, you know, like what is lacrosse like shaped? Oh, like, the yeah, like the the like tire iron thing. higherre iron but Okay. Yeah. whatever Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, but it does look like a cross. That's true. Although in the moment when you say, I only heard the word wrench, so I thought it was extra funny that you hold up a regular wrench. You go, this is a cross, right? This is a cross, right? yeah on island brush Bless this wrench. Yeah.
00:58:26
Speaker
So are you taking wheels off the vehicle or are you just jumping out the back to go fight him with the tire? I imagine I had a spare in the back. A spare tire. OK, so he's going to pull a spare tire out. Yeah. All right. So you pull out the spare tire ever. What are you doing is you can see like just like you can feel like an extreme amount of heat like start to emanate from like I'd say about maybe like a quarter of a mile back, like from where like he kicked him out and he just kept bouncing with the rubber in his mouth. You can feel like intense heat just like amplifying towards you.
00:58:57
Speaker
So you know those ah doggy toys that are like the wiener dog and it's really long? ah really dark Like a big noodle? yeah Yeah, like the long no noodle wieners. So she's going to pull it out of her satchel.
00:59:13
Speaker
And she's just gonna hold it out. You've had a wiener noodle in your satchel this whole time? Yeah, yeah. And she's gonna hold it out to her side, like just above her head and just squeak it.
00:59:23
Speaker
yeah She's like, I knew one day this would come in handy. I knew having this would come in handy. She, like, ah she has always wanted a dog. So she has like a little like dash of doggy toys. So before she even left her apartment, she grabbed that toy. She was excited to play with a doggy. So she had it in her satchel the whole time waiting. And so she just holds it up and just gives it one big squeak.
00:59:55
Speaker
OK, you see like a Sonic the Hedgehog like ball of creature fly a quarter of a mile from down the road up and just like check into the van and then just send it like careening up the road just like rolling six or seven times before it stops. And then you see this like like nine foot fucking like.
01:00:17
Speaker
gray and black and ah ah what other color did I say it was gray, black and green, probably creature. Kind of looks like ah like a werewolf, like a werewolf corgi. um Like long nails, like fire coming out of his face and just like missing patches of hair everywhere. And he says, why would you do that to me? And you see like like his blood, like some sort of like orange goop that's like coming out of his mouth, like from like the shoe that just melted in his mouth.
01:00:47
Speaker
Um, you're like, why, why would you do that? Because we gotta, we gotta teach you some fucking manners. Well, you swear to me again, bro? Yeah, I'm swearing at you again, you piece of shit. You're, you're a brat. I'm a brat. You gotta learn some fucking respect. You killed, you killed somebody today and you didn't even care. I didn't kill anybody.
01:01:11
Speaker
I'm loading and I also have my shotgun with me because I have my shotgun with me and I have um I have rubber. I have rubber slugs. OK, I'm loading those up. They're like less than lethal or bullets, you know. ah And I'm loading those up as we're doing this little exchange, and I'm just like prepping it and I'm getting't ready to shoot his ass. As your prep, is as your as your prep and that you feel your gun getting really, really, really hot is he's like watching you do it as he's talking to you when you feel your guns getting super hot.
01:01:38
Speaker
Okay, then I noticed that. i want to I want to Captain America throw this tire at his face. Okay, there you go. All right, roll kick some ass while he's like trying to heat Jimmy Jenga's gun. A failure. Fuck. I want to use the luck. Oh I had no idea that you guys would use so much luck on this fucking stupid... He sounds he sounds worth it, you know? Yeah. so So he's going to heat it and then you just like hit him in the fucking head with a...
01:02:06
Speaker
with a, oh yeah, you do get an extra effect with your kicks of ass, like what would you like? Hold on a second, hold on a second, hold up, hold up, hold up, so okay. How much damage does a tire do, first of all? Two use of damage. Okay, so I'm gonna do extra damage to do three damage. Okay. I wanna use finish him, so the tire bounces back off his head, I jump over and catch it, and I whip it at him again.
01:02:30
Speaker
Kevin America. All right, roll, that's a tough roll. 11. Yeah. butof You clock them real good. It bounces off them. You catch it again. You beat it off them another time. What extra effect do you want for your 11? Oh, fuck. You can gain an advantage, inflict terrible harm, suffer less harm or force them where you want them. I want to I want to.
01:02:57
Speaker
Completely it does advance. I'm sorry. I want to give a Like anybody. I want to give a plus one to Jimmy Chang. It was with a shotgun. Okay. So yeah, if you fucking bounce that thing off of me catch it again and You throw it another time up in the air. ah He's like rocked like Jimmy Chang his gun like cools off again ah You see like like literal little like flying suck you by like just flying around his head right now He's like trying to gain his like faculties again. Yes
01:03:30
Speaker
All right, Jimmy Chang, you have your shotgun, you're ready. ah What do you do? um Oh, that was getting really hot. Oh, thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Jack. And I'm aiming it at is ah and his head. Oh, oh damn. and poor This poor demon kid. ah Yeah, poor demon kid. We're going to blow his head off, hopefully.
01:03:57
Speaker
Alright, roll kick some ass against demon, kid. Plus one, right? Yeah, plus one. Yes, for the plus one forward, yep. Well, boy, I don't plus one. Wow, what's a 13 unit? That's a 13. Damn, how much damage does that shoddy do? I think it does threes.
01:04:14
Speaker
threes of damage and it's his weakness as you hit him with it and he like staggers backwards and falls onto the ground. ah Like you see like big tears are forming in his eyes and then he turns back into just like a cute little corgi dog and he looks over at you Everett and he goes.
01:04:32
Speaker
Don't fall forever unlike crouching the tire. Don't fall for it.
01:04:40
Speaker
She's gonna take a pocket knife, her pocket knife that she has. um It's like a multi-tool pocket knife and she's gonna cut open the squeaky toy and she's gonna pull out the squeaker and try to toss it and lodge it down his throat. Oh my god. Man, let's go. Jesus Christ.
01:05:03
Speaker
Uh, wow. OK, so he like comes running towards it because it's a squeaker. um So um I guess we'll kick some ass. I don't know what else I would have you do for that. Wow. Brutal. ah Wow, that's a that's a i got a failure. Are you going to keep your six? Yep.
01:05:27
Speaker
OK, so you take out the squeaker um and ah you go to throw it, but he jumps up into your arms and then you feel like a ah warmth of like loving warmth all over your body. um And now for at least the next turn, you feel like you have to protect this little guy at all costs. Looks like ah looks like he finally learned some manners.
01:05:54
Speaker
yes And then he starts spitting flames. He's like a little flamethrower in Everett's arms at Jack and Chimichanga. Oh, never mind. He's still a little asshole. Jimmy Jack laser. What do you do? Everett's currently holding ah Hector and he's spitting flames out of her arms at you.
01:06:19
Speaker
I guess I run over there. I don't remember there. As you can see, there's flames coming over there. How effective do you think that um one of the one of the little sprocket edges on the whatever you call it, one of the little ends of my lug wrench, my tire iron fits onto the end of a fire hydrant? and I could twist it off. ah You know, they do have those ones that are different sizes, like on different ones. So you probably maybe sure. You know what? Why the fuck not?
Battle Strategies and Negotiations
01:06:44
Speaker
i'm big and You know what? We could just say that you could just stretch it out to fit.
01:06:48
Speaker
no no worry to me out but it stretch and holds my whole life and So you just stretch the fucking thing out. So if it's a fire hydrant one, and I want to try and shoot fire hydrant water at him. OK, yeah. Why don't you make that be act under pressure because he is actively firing fire at you. He's firing at you. I want to fire water it in that prick.
01:07:10
Speaker
I'm going to fire water failure. That's crazy. I'm not going to stay. I'm going to take I'm going to take the experience on that one. All right. So, yeah, you you go to crack it. Yeah. What do you do? Go ahead. I crack it open. But immediately the pressure of the water blast just shoots me away and I fall over. It's like very cartoony where like the the the tire iron is still floating in the air as you're like blasted backwards by the water. So that'll be one harm for you.
01:07:38
Speaker
um Uh, as you get blasted with some pressure, uh, Jimmy Chang, you see Jack laser gets tossed by some water. There's now there's hot steam everywhere because the fire is hitting the water and creating like a cloud, a hot cloud around you. Um, what do you do? Um, I just want to dodge the fire and the steam and the water and whatever else is going my way. All right. To what, to do what are you trying to get behind something? Are you just spending the turn just trying to dodge?
01:08:05
Speaker
I just want to spend I don't want to shoot him yet because he seems to have manipulated Everett. Yep. So I think I'm just going to like he's just going to like drop to the ground and just try to get ah get underneath all the shit that's happening. Gotcha. Gotcha. And not take damage. That's what we're going to try to do. OK. Yeah, that would probably be a plus cool role to see if you can do that without getting fucked up. You want to act under pressure? Yes, act under pressure, please.
01:08:34
Speaker
That's a big fat 10. What does that look like as you're doing all this cool dodging? Because you make it look easy. As soon as the as soon as the the steam starts to get created, Jimmy ducks underneath both the fire and the water, and he's just prone. And he just and he's like rolling around, like getting ah getting like getting away from everything, and sort of moving behind Everett.
01:08:58
Speaker
okay oh yeah very nice maneuvering okay very good all right cool so you do some sick ground game to avoid all the damage as uh jack laser is being tossed around in the back by water ever it's currently your turn and you can um uh you see there's like steam everywhere and it's getting warm and you can hear hector and he's just like please please don't let them hurt me they're trying to kill me i'm just a baby Well, you were kind of being kind of rude to my friends, you know what I'm saying? with Would you just be able to like apologize and then maybe like they won't try to kill you? And then if you're nice to them, then they definitely won't try to kill you. Yeah, maybe. Why don't you take me up to that big guy over there by the fire hydrant? And I'll apologize to his face.
01:09:51
Speaker
No, I don't know if I trust you 100% on that one. Just let me don't apologize. I'm gonna trust you, but like, you're kinda, you're kinda still in your goblin phase. Like, maybe if you went back to being a nice face, like, maybe they'd believe you. Now look at me, I'm just a little cardi. I'm a good boy now.
01:10:15
Speaker
I just want to just find that you were using and you're still pretty green. So maybe maybe you just need to like, you know, calm down and she'll start scratching underneath his chin like, you know, underneath their chin and like then she'll move up behind his ears and be like, see ya, good boy. You just got to be nice. All right. Try to try to ro manipulate someone, see if you can ah See if you can convince him to calm down. OK. He's currently he currently just looks like a court. He doesn't even look like a bipedal like humanoid corgi. He just looks like a corgi in your arms right now. um So he's just like resting in your arms. You're all an eight. He says, OK, what if you just hold me out like the Lion King and I just apologize from your hands? How about that? Mm.
01:11:12
Speaker
But I feel like you need to like change a little bit so that they can believe you just a little bit. OK. And he he turns himself into like a cute little kitten that fits in the palm of your hand with like really big, cute, i like glistening eyeballs. And he goes, wow, that's sorry. Wow.
01:11:37
Speaker
See, you guys, he's so sorry. He didn't mean to. Maybe we shouldn't try to kill him. Okay, look how cute he is.
01:11:50
Speaker
ah Yeah. You guys can talk if you want. You don't have to wait for a turn. Well, i ah you're still laying on the ground behind her. I don't know if I trust this thing.
01:12:09
Speaker
right Jack Jack are you okay? I do ah I do a roll from out from underneath the water spray I Kind of stay lay on the ground too and like like next to the drain on the curb of the road where the water is pulling down ah oh Yeah, he's still pretty gross-looking and also he's just kind of an asshole
01:12:34
Speaker
I'm just a good little boy He's creeping me out Yeah, you still sound like a goblin. Can you? You got to stop that as ever and ask you to do. Oh, hey, guys. Hey, hey. All right. This is me. I'm just your buddy. I'm just your friend. I'm just here to help out and just have a good time. Let's go to that desert thing. Hmm. Yeah. Are you going to apologize to the family or the guy that you killed, too? Is that is that what we're going to do next? Uh.
01:13:08
Speaker
Does the, does the, does the keeper have that in them? I don't know. Uh, roll, manipulate someone on the cat. Oh no. Oh no. We'll let that dice decide. Dang it. Bobby. I'm going to mix success. I mean, a nine's pretty good. Does anybody want to try to help out to see if, uh, if they can get that up to a 10?
01:13:36
Speaker
ah hope I don't really care. I just I just want him to feel somewhat remorseful for killing somebody because we can't do this like every couple of years, you know. Yeah. All right. everett What do you say to help out with ah Jimmy Chang's plight for apology? You know, maybe if you like tried to apologize like from the heart, they would believe you and then they won't try to kill you. And then we could go do fun things like set stuff on fire. yeah All right. And he turns back into bipedal corgi guy and he goes, All right, just give me a phone. Or a voice chat, I guess, or ah ah ah what's the thing they use on Apple phones? Face me. Something's legal. She hands her is her phone. Do you guys have that guy's family's phone number?
01:14:31
Speaker
ah No, I don't even know who he was, but... Oh, how am I gonna... I was just trying to get you to show any remorse and respect for human life. That's all, because... We could work on going back there, I guess. I mean, well, we could do that. I mean, like... Chubachanga really doesn't care that much, because, you know, people die around him all the time, but like... Yeah. Does he seem genuinely remorseful? That's what I want to know.
01:14:58
Speaker
You know what? Why don't you roll a sharp roll to see if that would be read a bad situation, for perhaps. Yeah, I'll do a little sharp roll here. You know, just a little sharpie guy. I failed. It's a six.
01:15:13
Speaker
yeah He looks like he's pretty genuinely sorry. He looks like he's going to be scrutinizing too. Can I do a breed of bad situation as well? Sure. Why not? He looks like he's sorry. He seems like he's sorry. He seems like he's real bummed out. A market experience on that one. He seems, Jack Laser, he seems really, really sorry for what he did. I stand up and I splurge a little water off me. That seems like you learned your lesson, little fella.
01:15:47
Speaker
I did. I think I'm going to be a cop like this chick and go and help people instead of hurting people. You've really helped me turn my life around. wow i Oh, All I needed was a firm hand.
01:16:03
Speaker
yeah That's what I was saying. Exactly. you if We just got to be a little firmer than with people. ah Yeah, he would he is a child. You just got to treat him like one. I mean, that's not what I meant to say. Well, no, no, no, because I i am. Oh, yes. That's a good way. Did you call me a child? I mean, you didn't learn anything, did you? I was going to you learned your lesson, didn't you, dog goblin?
01:16:33
Speaker
she already fucked up And you see he transforms back until a nine foot tall beast and just starts swinging again. I got a shit. I always like to imagine that there's like a freeze frame of just like, oh, why I ought to, and then like the camera cuts like to like a freeze frame where he's like to turns back into a dog goblin again. What did you call me? it's time to It's time to show you why I lost custody of my kids. Just kidding. I take off my rubber belt.
01:17:06
Speaker
shit So let's just like real quick just describe what this fight looks like instead of just rolling for it unless you really want to like if you want to do a couple rolls just to kind of Get an idea of what the fight looks like but you guys can just kind of describe it like turn for turn I think it'd be funnier that way. It's like why does nobody either roll a bad switch read a about or Act under pressure or a kick some master choice and then just tell me what the fight looks like I'm gonna take an act under pressure.
01:17:33
Speaker
All right. Roll a cool sale. Cool. Chimichanga is, is you guys almost resolved a really cool thing. That's his best property. 13. Okay. Let's hold on to that. What does Jack laser roll? You can pick for kick some ass. Okay. And acting under pressure a pressure of seven. All right. So, so what is it? What does this fight look like? You know, who gets hurt? How do you beat them? Do you end up calming them down? Do you kill them? What happens?
01:17:58
Speaker
How about Jack laser first? What happens? What do you do in this fight? What what would you interpret some of this is happening? I went for the for my tire over in the road and I slid across slide up over to it through the the through the wet water and pulling in the road from the from the fire hydrant and I grabbed it and I run over and as I run over. I shoved the ah the lug wrench and like inside of it like in the in the where the wheel well would go and all that shit. And I run over to him. I say, hey, dog butt.
01:18:27
Speaker
He turns to me and he goes, what? I i just, I, two-handed, I jump up in the air, like a, like a Kratos sort of stab, I shove it into his mouth, two-handed with his entire- Okay. So yeah, he's like struggling with you, it's like you're standing on top of him, like he's just shoving it into his mouth. ah Eat the soap, I gotta wash your mouth, now you piece of shit.
01:18:49
Speaker
Jimmy Chang, what do you do? um So, Chimichanga pulls out a cigarette and it's hanging in his mouth. um And I assume that before, you know, ah Jack does his Kratos move,
01:19:08
Speaker
i the dog goblin goes, the he, he tries to shoot some fire or maybe punch Jimmy Changa. Uh-huh. And Jimmy Changa just dodges out of the way, like Neo, but like lights his cigarette with the, with some kind of fire. That's cool. Cause I assume he's got like a fiery fist that he's punching him with or shooting a fireball and he just lights his cigarette with it. And then as you know, uh, Jack jumps on him and he's beaten in the face. He just silly walks over with the shotgun and just point blank. Like right in the mouth. Oh shit. So you're, you're both going for his mouth. Yeah. We're going to be the rubber. Excellent. Okay. Then my Intel Everett, what do you do? Yeah. Jane would never steer you wrong. Right.
01:19:57
Speaker
Everett, what do you do as this is going on? Everett will probably be just like off to the sidelines, like giving directions to the boys and like just diving and ah dodging like any sort of like ah anything coming at her in sort of any sort of way, like fire or, you know, things flying at the at the huge enormous dog. She'd be like, yeah, no, like go to the lift.
01:20:26
Speaker
No, and then perfect right there. OK. And oh, yeah, is this right? Is this right? Is it right? Yeah. Now shove it in there all the way. OK, I put the barrel in the mouth.
01:20:41
Speaker
for Yeah, just like that. Now go, go, go. All right. Then I'm bullish. OK, so you're just coaching him. Can't you can't you like hack him or something, you know? like yeah you want to i need him How do you have you checked you have an absolutely magical laptop that can definitely hack interdimensional beings me okay kidding they like yeah You see you see G you see Jesse's like reaching his butler hand out of the out of the satchel He's like I got
Resolution and Aftermath
01:21:17
Speaker
you. Let me have a try
01:21:20
Speaker
ah sure um
01:21:25
Speaker
Oh my god, thank you god, I didn't know my head such magical powers. But I also told you before, you can like hack like the particles in the air, like the metal particles in the air to make like shields and weapons and stuff. Oh that's fucking right, I forgot about that. You can literally materialize a weapon for someone to use if you wanted to, if you hacked high enough.
01:21:44
Speaker
Okay, so she's gonna reach into her laptop and she's gonna grab like one of those Kong like the ah she's gonna materialize one of those Kong like rubber like chew toys you know and she's gonna make sure that she makes it like enormous sized and she's gonna like go guys guys guys I got this over here for you you can use this to shove in his throat too just get it get a mole in there just get it in there How did you get that? Jack, can you can you lift that? Like, is Jack still like? I imagine like Jack is holding him down somehow. i Yeah, he's like Lana's back at this point. It's like you're firing rubber bullets into his mouth and Jack has like a tire iron in it. Jack, can you, Jack, do you want to go lift a giant doggy toy? I guess. All right. Tell me something cool you do with this giant doggy toy. Absolutely lift him. He's the strongest guy in the world.
01:22:43
Speaker
You're talking about those things that, like, you can put peanut butter inside and dogs, like, have to, like, kind of chew on it and lick through it and stuff, right? Those big old, like, peanut-looking things, those Kong things. Yeah. Yeah. Giant, right? Yeah, it's a big thing. It's as big as... It's huge. I'm going to lift it up. I'm going to jump off of him and lift it up and try and smash it down around him. Smash it down around him? Yeah.
01:23:07
Speaker
To accomplish what? Like the hole around him. I know you got it. or Like shove him in there. Are you going to try to trap him in it? Like the tree. That would be hilarious. I still want to say I smashed it into his mouth again because I didn't want to be, you know, boring and basic. and Yeah. No, you can always. Yeah, I understand. You should go ahead and roll one more kick some ass and you have the help of your friends. That'll be a plus two. I'm going to roll to help somebody roll to help somebody roll help action. Everybody roll a help action.
01:23:37
Speaker
Protect someone. No, I'm just gonna roll kick some ass. There you go as a lover from Everett And are you rolling kicks of ass that's a five five mark a failure that's right you cry to me gosh So describe what this looks like as you slam the sing down on him do you are you trapping him? um I guess so. Yeah Yeah, I just jump up and it You know, he's like, no, we're going to walk all around. Yeah. And you trap them in there. And then you see just like a big puddle form around this thing. And the the the rubber of the Kong thing gets absorbed into this hot puddle. And then he comes out and you see like when it's all said and done and all the smoke clears, he's just a little rubber squeaky toy of a corgi. That's what's left.
01:24:32
Speaker
It's all that's there. I say, hold on, guys, I got this. I run to the van. It's like seven. It's like it's like a mile down the road or something, isn't it? because like Yeah. He's Jack. He's Jack. flat Jack laser. He can make it. I'm Jack fucking laser. Yeah.
01:24:47
Speaker
and religion my backup He runs. He runs like a four minute mile and then comes. let' go Yeah. amazing Get back to I got you know, I gotta follow speed limit and there's two cars going down the road like right There's probably some police and shit like blocking the road off. I'm like, let me through I gotta to go run this thing over and they go. All right, so whatever that's Jack Lazer. We'll let you do whatever you want. That's how go ahead would dick cander in you yeah where you were we're We're Canadian tourists trying to do a little bit of internship here in America, that's great
01:25:18
Speaker
I drive past and I run the squeak toy over. I'm just running it over. and you sir And then like the thing that squeaks flies out of it and lands at Everett's feet. And then there's just like a flat little rubber piece of shit on the ground. It just looks like a skid mark on the road. um You defeated.
01:25:39
Speaker
What do you do? You defeated. Hey guys, I cracked music up.
01:25:48
Speaker
Oh, shit. We actually killed him. Yeah, you defeated him. You killed him. I hope. There's no way we kill them. Can you throw me that squeaky thing, Everett?
01:26:05
Speaker
Everett, do you give him the squeaky thing? ever ever Everett died of sadness. So yeah, went out she throws you she throws you the squeaky toy, the the squeaky thing. um And so you have it. What do you do with it? um I would like to ah investigate a mystery on this thing. All right. Go ahead and do that. Plus sharp to investigate that mystery.
01:26:30
Speaker
which I got a failure on. It's a six. You get a six, um but you do feel, ah you feel like a warmth coming from it. Like it's, it's still warm. The feeling of um ah Just like what what the warmth he was emanating when he first came to attack you um and then you just start to hear like a Like a like a series like like a cacophony of drums like beating like to ticket ticket to Hey Jack, do you those drums? Jack do you hear the drums? Hold on. Let me turn on the music
01:27:11
Speaker
then you hear ti ticketing tining ti tik tio i think where're jamaji shit what year is it
01:27:19
Speaker
And then you see a giant six-sided die rolling across the road. just because Oh, no. I'm going to save the van. I pull off. Look out, Canadian tourists. And then Jimmy Chang gets crushed. I'm not going to make it home. um As the Canadian tourists get squished. um And then the music plays Highway to Hell. um Now, quickly, Jimmy Chang can say something
01:27:52
Speaker
can't i can't do it i can't this is where the rubber meets the
01:28:18
Speaker
I can't, I can't do it on topic. I can't. This is where the rubber meets the road. That's pretty cool.
01:28:42
Speaker
ah does it look good already