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The Affordables 1.11: A Day At The Super Mall
25 Plays1 day ago
The Affordables get into an exclusive club with a secret government credit card! Time to go shopping at the Super Mall, a place where villains and heroes are not allowed to battle! Everett goes ham on shopping, Jack is suspicious, and Jay becomes a mob boss (sorta).
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Transcript
Introduction & Apocalypse Cow
00:00:41
Speaker
down Although my knuckles still hurt real bad. Um, anyway, good morning. Good afternoon and good evening, ladies, gentlemen, up ban and is role players. And welcome back to episode 11 of affordability. That's three times in a row. i I'm trying to like, I'm really trying to speed run it. that's how quick i do it At some point, at some point it's just going to be like me singing like Nirvana, where you don't really know what I'm singing, but you've heard it enough time that you can kind of make it out.
00:01:17
Speaker
Anyway, I can't do a good Nirvana. Anyhow, um what are we doing? This is affordable. Welcome back to World Players, everybody. We have Cass and David and Justin here to play Everett and Jay Prado, maybe Jimmy Chang if he comes back, and then also Jack Lazer. Last time, what happened, guys? Hey, here's what happened. The the apocalypse cow almost happened.
00:01:39
Speaker
um But thanks to some quick thinking from the affordability or some slow thinking as well, ah really, um they managed to drive away the chaos enough ah by giving a chaotic dog some coloring books and also Everett partook in some coloring books. And that made the chaos. Yeah, i she said, oh, I like coloring. And the chaos cow left. And so they prevented the apocalypse.
Adopting Chaos & Life Changes
00:02:07
Speaker
And also Jay Proto and Jack Lazer
00:02:10
Speaker
ah Blew up a five guys burgers and fries were a bunch of what looked like cult like people were trying to do some sort of weird little a Ritual before they decided they were gonna use all the c4 that came with the burgers and blow up the whole joint um And that's it you guys saved the day after you the the chaos dog vanished after the chaos is subsided Some say she's still coloring somewhere in doodad, Montana today um We don't know. No, I'm pretty sure Everett took the dog home. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot that Everett took it. He's my dog now. Thank you very much. Right. I forgot about that. Yeah. ah Yeah. Everett really leaned into the apocalypse side of things that day. um So, oh, yeah, and you guys met a bunch of familiar sounding characters and doodad, which was also fun. Everett.
00:03:04
Speaker
How long would you say it has been since um you wrapped up your apocalyptic um outing in Dudad, Montana? I'd say two weeks. Just a couple of weeks. OK.
Super Mall Adventure Begins
00:03:18
Speaker
All right. Let's real quick. Let's real quick. Why don't you just give me like a quick rundown of like whatever it's been doing over the past two weeks? So she's been taking her dog out to the dog park. I had to say it that way.
00:03:31
Speaker
what po the door pack <unk> pla
00:03:38
Speaker
um And, you know, just spending some quality yeah time, just, you know, just getting to know the dog and, in being like, what can we do together as well as coloring? So, you know, they've taken up knitting and crocheting and, you know, needlepoint. Yeah. so And scrapbooking, scrapbooking. They're all about the crafts right now because, you know, Everett, she has gotten as high as she can on her level for like her um driving skills with like
00:04:15
Speaker
her evasive action and stuff that she's been doing with the police station and everything. And she also outshot her buddy that was in, you know, the shooting range because she's like, she's just awesome. So now she's just like, nah, maybe now that I've got all this money, I can just, you know, hang out with my dog and, and just do crafts. She's going to retire early. I think just not to like do like,
00:04:45
Speaker
Not just the not retire from like the the missions and stuff with um Blake, but she's just retiring from like police work right now for sure. Good for her. Good for her. So she just kind of she just found herself some nice chill hobbies. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Until she probably needs money again. Well, you know what? You can't crochet without something sharp. So why don't you go ahead and roll a sharp roll?
00:05:11
Speaker
to see how well you've been doing at your new you and your needle point and all that good stuff. Let's get this stupid. Yeah. Let's just kind of see window to work has been going. There we go. hope That's a big fat 10. Take two extra experience points for your hard work at like really buckling down on this new hobby, these new hobbies of yours and the responsibility of having to keep an eye out on a new creature. um Yeah.
00:05:40
Speaker
Good. That's perfect. Okay. Awesome. So that's what ever it's been up to. Um, how many, what are your experience points at right now, by the way? Um, she's only at two experience points. She leveled up last time. oh right that's right Okay. Yeah. So I ended up, what did I do? I think I ended up just taking off a look point.
00:06:02
Speaker
Okay. That's cool. We use that a lot. Yeah. Cool. I normally don't, which is and like not usual for me. So like when I actually use them, it's just like, I really want something to to do it. But then I realized that Everett's luck special really sucks. So. Well, I don't know. We'll see what happens. Okay.
00:06:25
Speaker
All right, so that's what Everett's been up to. Let's go over to our friend Jack Lazer. Jack Lazer, what have you been up to? Or rather, you can tell me. Jack doesn't have to tell me. Justin, is Justin there? Can Justin tell me what happened to Jack in the last two weeks? Jack got COVID. Dang, fuck. Happens to the best of us. He's still got some residual coughs and stuff. Yeah, yeah. His cough always sticks with him after he gets sick. Yeah.
00:06:54
Speaker
and So I've been there. We're just like, you can't get it out for like another month after you've recovered. Yeah. But but Jack laser is a super virile specimen of man. So it didn't really affect him too much. Everybody else says, oh, Covid, wipe me out, man. I was so bad. Go Jack laser. Yes. Yeah. Just a little tickle in his throat. No big deal. Gotcha. Yeah. He doesn't need to wear a mask. Yeah, that's right. Unvex unvexed unmasked. All right. Let's have Jack laser roll at some tough rolls.
00:07:22
Speaker
Uh, one tough role to see how well you did against your fight against COVID. Tough role. Let's see. A 14. Take two experience points because you feel hardier than ever after getting COVID. Yeah. Your cough made you stronger. Jack's throat is stronger now. I ain't get COVID. COVID got me. That's right. ah so that's all Is that all that you've been doing is just hanging out with COVID for two weeks? Yeah. And I think, um, I i bought the RV already. yeah So yeah, I've been just, yeah, I've been,
00:07:50
Speaker
I probably like drove off after the last mission and then got like COVID in some random state in the country. And he just like stayed there for a while. Okay, cool. Easy enough. All right. Let's go to our boy, Jay Proto. Jay Proto, what have you been doing since you guys saved the world from the apocalypse cow um for the last two weeks? He went home and to his mom's house because he she sells and bought his own place. And, uh,
00:08:18
Speaker
He's been playing the video game call of fate three. Oh, interesting. That's it. That's all he's been doing. Oh, okay. It was the, is the call of fate three. Is that one of those romance like dating sim? That's part of it. Yeah, that's part of it for sure. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Cool. cool You know what? That sounds cool. Why don't you roll plus cool to see like how you've been doing on your game and if it's been enhancing any of your skills lately.
00:08:44
Speaker
It hasn't. That's a seven. So you take one extra experience point for the the game ah because, you you know, you're getting a little bit. Your thumbs are getting good. Your trigger thumbs. In case you ever lose your fingers, you can shoot guns with your computer game. He's ah so you're even better with fingers. All of your fingers are extra good now. No, he developed a kink in his shoulder and his back.
00:09:04
Speaker
oh man i love when people have shoulder kinks i mean i don't judge whatever your kinks you knew what i meant that's All ah cool. Very good. All right. So that covers everybody. um So as always, a couple of weeks pass, you get a call from your good old friend, Blake Dancer. Well, you don't get a call. He puts a beacon out and pings you guys and says, hey, hop in, hop in job chat. I have a job for you. um Who jumps in the call? Do ah any of you jump in the call? Oh, definitely I do. Jack laser's there immediately. he's He's just laying in bed. All right. He's already just sitting around, I guess.
00:09:52
Speaker
gotcha J. Are you able to pull yourself away from your video games to get into the chat? It takes a couple of minutes, but yeah. Okay. So who are you currently romancing in the call of fate three right now? Um, that would be, um, I don't know how to say it. I've just never heard some referencing ballers gate. It's Lazyll. Okay. Basil. Basil. Basil. Yeah, Basil. Okay. So Blake Dancer jumps in the chat with you guys, or he was already in there. And he says, Roy, just got a cut to the chase. I've been issued from the government.
00:10:34
Speaker
Well, the the the secret government. Credit cards, just for you guys. Today is a shopping day, right? No job except to go have some fucking fun at what's called the Super Mall. I've also given invitations with your black credit cards for you guys to get into the Super Mall, where supervillains and super action heroes can all go shopping and it's a neutral zone, no one's allowed to attack anybody, right?
00:11:03
Speaker
How do y'all feel about going on a video show?
Super Mall Shopping Spree
00:11:06
Speaker
Yeah, kinda Comic Con, except, um, it's a mall. A big mall. And we we all have to dress up like superheroes?
00:11:17
Speaker
and No. Yes. You should definitely dress up like a superhero. Oh, I can't wait to put on my costume. I have the best costume for my own superhero. This is going to be the greatest trip to the mall ever. Right. so But just so you know, it's it's not a convention per se, but you can dress up to go to the mall.
00:11:47
Speaker
Yeah, I'm excited for that. he so was Superheroes. It's like, do I get to dress up like a superhero? Yeah. I mean, you know, just dress up as much. I mean, you'll blend right in because there are people that are definitely going to be in like, you know, their garbs that they wear. Um, so I mean, you'll blend in, but just.
00:12:07
Speaker
Make sure that you're not doing anything copyrighted or anything because like there might be heroes there that already kind of wear some of those things that you might think you try to steal. Please don't describe any copyrighted costumes vivid in vivid detail.
00:12:23
Speaker
What are you talking about? This is my own superhero that I have all made up on my own. Yeah. Yeah. You know, the superhero of, uh, you know, I'm thinking like her name's like Gwen and she shoots webs from her wrist, like spider Gwen, maybe that's new. Um, anyway, uh, that's it. So you guys good? You guys want to just go to super mall, have a big day on, on the secret government and me. You guys did good work to prevent an apocalypse lately. Everybody's really grateful.
00:12:54
Speaker
Sounds like a trap. You hit me at shopping. Uh, I'm kind of busy today. You're busy today? Yeah. Yeah, I'm busy. What do you, what do you, what do you got going on? You don't want to go to the mall? Oh, you know, fucking piece of shit. Oh yeah. I just got a lot of shit going on right now. Uh, yeah, I might be able to get down there for a few hours. You know, it's, uh,
00:13:22
Speaker
Is that cool? Like, I mean, it's, listen, it's the invite. You, you don't have to go. It's not a job. I just wanted, I just, oh, oh, did you die? Fuck it. Yeah. Fuck. God damn it. Yeah. Are you playing that new call of fate three? Cause that is, you know, no playing as I'm talking to you. No, I'm not. I would never die in that game. Okay.
00:13:46
Speaker
Yeah, I'm i'm trying- I'm trying to romance Shadow Bum right now and she- she's hot, but she is ha ha fucking- she's real resistant to my charge. Hold up my character's name. You're following me around? Wait, your Shadow Bum? Ah, damn it. Yeah. Wow. That's embarrassing. I've beat it to that character like three times already. I know. I just really suck at this game because I've been more focused on my dog. Yeah, the fan art is crazy for that game.
00:14:16
Speaker
They want shadow bomb and basil to get together.
00:14:22
Speaker
No way. All right. Well, fine. Yeah, I guess I'll always head down there right now. Okay, yeah, you would you know, just go whenever you want. It's not a job. Just take your time. And yeah, so the, you have a black credit card. Just get whatever you want. The super mall has everything you could possibly want. That's why only certain people are allowed to go there. So have fun and just let me know what you buy. Make sure you write your expense reports. Send it to me. I'll take care of it. o Okay. Right then. Um, cool. Just step through the portal whenever you're ready.
00:14:58
Speaker
What? When you guys see a portal open up in your house or in your apartment, wherever it is that you are. That's convenient. Yeah. What did I just say that Kimmy's dog's name was again? I can't remember. Uh, what was her dog? What was her name? Uh, Ramsey. Yeah. Ramsey. Ramsey. Okay. So she's going to go Ramsey. I've got to go shopping, but don't you worry. I'm going to get you like some of the greatest things for the dogs because like,
00:15:25
Speaker
We got to get you like an amazing bed, because that's going to be an upgrade from what you've got going on. And then we got to get you all sorts of toys. So don't you worry, you can continue working on that needle point and I'll be right back. OK, she's going to hop into the. You see, you see, you see, Ramsey's got like like just like little like glasses on like like with the needle point like up to their face, just like really. yeah They just like wave you off like, get the fuck out of here, just go. that's exactly what I saw to in my brain. Let's get out of here. Just get out of here. Go yeah five. Whatever. God, I'm busy. OK, so you guys walk into the portal. Jack laser. Do you go into your portal as well? um No. OK. Is it inside the RV? Is it? Is that where you live? I'm a woman. It's where I'm currently at. ah Yeah, it's inside the RV.
00:16:22
Speaker
I'm gonna like scoot around it or if I can't walk the pass that I'm gonna climb out a window and go to the front of the RV Okay, and I'm gonna back the RV up Try and drive the port private into the portal.
00:16:35
Speaker
she Yeah, OK. I think that's a good idea. Yeah, you kind of back it up and then drive it through. Perfect. You end up driving your RV into the mall. Oh, fuck. Am I allowed to. Oh, shit. Yeah. Hold on. Do I have another hundred drive? Can I take another hundred? Fuck shit. Fuck. I fucked it. I was just going to say, I should have taken the thing where you can make where you get like a like the base where you have like An arm we are sure you can pick. Yeah, I can make the RV that, but I don't have I can't do any more other playbook things. Oh, dang. That's OK. Either way, I guess this is a normal RV. Yeah, so you end up driving your RV into the mall and your RV is in there now with everyone else. I'll be in a parking lot. Just like into the mall. You start trying to back it out of the mall. Yeah.
00:17:30
Speaker
yeah You got to take it down the escalator um because you guys ended up on the second floor of ah of a of it like a five story mall. Maybe higher. I don't know. Jay Proto, do you go into the portal from your mom's house? Yeah. Yeah. But he showers first. You know what? That's good. That's probably a good idea. being Yeah.
00:17:52
Speaker
All right. You go into the mall and you're there, you're at the mall and it's this massive, like each like lane of the mall is about like the size of like maybe a three lane highway on either side. Like it, like your guys come out onto the second floor. Uh, there are several more floors up above you that has like a big opening in the middle that like these balconies look down into the center. So like the whole mall is kind of shaped like a big donut.
00:18:15
Speaker
um And ah so you can see other people like up in the top and down below on the first floor ah And the lanes are really really big as you can see other people have also brought their cars in here And Jack laser is currently backing his RV out So much like guys are stopping down just like Are you gonna get out? Yeah, I'll see you back it out. what Well, I realize when I'm second floor I can't back it out now. ah you can You can think about the other escalator if you want No, I'm going to leave it. All right. So you get out and you're at this beautiful mall and you see all sorts of ah interesting garbed people with like with giant weapons on their back or people with jet packs flying around or like a lot of interesting characters like, you know, just whatever kind of superhero outfits and villain outfits you could imagine. Although some are also dressed casually. Flip flops and shorts, um you know, just kind of hanging out at the mall. There's a there's a giant anti-ans there that a lot of people are hanging out right now getting their pepperoni pretzels.
00:19:13
Speaker
um And yeah, what do you what do you guys do at the mall? You said you were dressing up, right? Oh yeah, she's gonna be she's in me dressed up as um her superhero. It's her um alternate ego. ah It is called Blaze Girl, and she basically has um what is kind of like what Rin's tank was on her back, but it's like a portable hookah. um Don't ask what's in the burner, okay guys? Just don't worry about it, okay? Don't ask about the burner.
00:19:50
Speaker
Yeah, and then she's got, she doesn't have a cape because capes are murder. So she just has um a leotard that has a big B on it, on the chest, and then with a little like a joint that's on, that's lit, um that has little eyes with like little ah burnout eyes, you know, like the red eyes. Sure. Like underneath it. Okay.
00:20:18
Speaker
So blaze girl shows up to. Yep. To town. um All right. So you guys are pretty much bamfed out somewhat in the same area. So you're ah all together. um So and I should also mention that as you jump through the portal um in your hands, pockets, wherever you want it to manifest, you see a black card with like some gold trim and. um You know, like a little bit of like a magic glitter kind of coming off of it. um And it is your hero's black card ah to spend however you so choose. What do you do?
00:20:55
Speaker
She's definitely going to the the big pet supply store in there and getting all sorts of toys and a big huge dog bed, like a huge one, um because she's able to ride Ramsey. So this dog is enormous. So she's probably going to get like a queen size like style bed. You know, like you've seen those ones, like they have the human style dog beds or whatever. So she's going to get like two of those so that she can have one for her and then one for Ramsey. And then that way, like if she wants to snuggle with Ramsey, there's enough room for the both of them. But if she wants, if Ramsey is just like being crabby that day, then she has her own bed.
00:21:35
Speaker
OK, good. Excellent. All right. So you you get all those things and you see somebody from you see like a bunch of Sierra drones just like fly that stuff out to the address that you punch into the to the monitor. So they just go they go deliver your beds for you ah back at your place. ah So you don't have to worry about trucking it back. Nice. Yeah. And all the drones have capes on, even though people warn you not to. The drones also have capes.
00:22:03
Speaker
um OK, Jack Lazer, where do you go at the mall? um To the Indians. You go to the Indians. What do you what do you order at the Indians? Can we can we can we RP it? Yeah, of course. Absolutely. And so i walk I wait in line, of course, and then I get to the front. And who's who's there? So you see ah ah a beardy boy, a skinny beardy boy where his face is like 80 percent beard. And he's. saying
00:22:34
Speaker
Hilarby, I help you. Uh, yeah. Give me a, uh, give me a bucket of those pretzel dogs. I brought another pretzel dog. What else? Uh, one of those lemonades. At all of a day, would you like to upgrade to a super large for 20 cents more? No thanks. Oh, okay. What else do you want? Uh, that's it. Okay. That'll be um about money.
00:23:05
Speaker
Here's a $20 bill. Oh You're not gonna use your super black car today No, you're Jack Jack Jack. I'll pay for you ah so but every avenue't sure we had sure Here I put another one of those on the on the tab to another bucket ah a bucket of pretzels Yeah, whatever the hell he ordered. I can't remember what he said already and lemonade and I love it
00:23:36
Speaker
Okay, that'll be about a money Jay hands on the card. Oh Excellent. Well done. Sure And he swipes your card. I know he taps your card because we're there when you tap cards in this world um Or he points at the terminal and says you got to do it yourself.
00:24:01
Speaker
Oh, no, you know, he doesn't. He does it for you. It's a full service anti-ans. Oh, wow. um Yeah. Yeah. So he does it for you. He says, thank you so much for your patron. Enjoy the rest of your day at the Superball. We're already sitting down, beardie. Oh, but he's OK. I talked forever. Yeah. Yeah, he does do that.
00:24:26
Speaker
So you guys are at the, at the table eating your, eating your pretzies. You see, uh, Everett's coming out of the the nearby pet store with a bunch of shit in her hands and like drones flying beds out for her. Um, and you guys are just sitting down to have a nice little meal. That's a nice chance for you guys to just have a lovely conversation amongst friends. All right. Jay's going to roll to investigate a mystery.
00:24:48
Speaker
You're going to roll investigate a mystery. Yes. yeah What does that look like in real life? What he was in there eating his fucking pretzel dogs. He's, he's squinting his eyes and looking around. I wonder what the hell is going on here. set eyes and so Yeah. Yeah. He has like a little like emojis popping up above his head. He's like, hmm. And you rolled a seven again. You rolled a seven. You get, you get one question you can ask, what would you like to know my friend? What sort of creature is it?
00:25:19
Speaker
What sort of creature is it? I mean, you see creatures all around you. Like a lot of shillings are like, ah but I mean, like, but you're in a place where heroes and villains come together. There are some like people you can see that kind of have like, I guess now that you're looking, you can see that there are some people that kind of look like just normal hang hang around Joes. There's nothing crazy about them because like people are dressed down. Some people are definitely here like in their get ups and there are like some like more kind of non humanoid creatures that are there. Some kind of have more of like a Let's call it like a blue aura around them to kind of signify that they're usually a good guy and then like they're bad guys. You have like an orange or a reddish aura around them, but they're just shopping. So there's creatures all over the place. You have to be more specific. All sorts of creatures. Jack, Jack, doesn't this place. I should let you just eat, huh? Doesn't this, doesn't this place seem a little, I don't know, fucked up to you. Yeah. What do you think? I drove my RV in here.
00:26:19
Speaker
That's a good idea. You're right. Yeah. That's why I'm just sitting here eating pretzel dogs. And we got this guy who can barely fund us before sending us these ah like weird credit cards. That's why I didn't use it. That's a good point. That's a good idea. I'm just going to eat my pretzel dogs. ah We'll let old Blaze girl over there have her fun. I was going to keep a little profile, keep my head on a swivel. and i ah I sort of like lean to the side and I pull my magnum out of a toaster and put it on the table, clunk. Justin, did you lean in real life? Yeah. Because I heard you get farther away from your microphone. I also put my hand on the table.
00:27:05
Speaker
And I also got my shotgun on my back and my knife and my, my, my boot knife. big but yeah Yeah. I mean, you see people, you see, yeah ah yeah as you guys are hanging out um and and talking about that, um Everett, you see your friends sitting at the, yeah sitting at the tables at Auntie Anne's. Do you go see them or are you just going to go shopping somewhere?
00:27:24
Speaker
Um, yeah, probably after she'd probably go shopping more just because she's not really paying attention. She's got like cheese all over her face. She got those soft pretzels, but she got like a stack of them. So like, she's got cheese, like all over her face and like the the butter, you know, that they get like all over her hands and she's just, she's a mess. Yeah. Roll 20, roll 20 D 100s. Okay.
00:27:52
Speaker
shit I have like a little kind of low-key mechanic in my head that I'm trying to see if it works out. um So we'll see if it works out. Yeah. 20 D100s. Yeah. You know? There we go. 1,062. So I'm going to say that's roughly how much money you've spent so far ah between like, you know, the beds. You got some good deals on your beds and all your snackage and everything and all your dog stuff. You spent around $1,062 so far.
00:28:20
Speaker
That's not too bad. That's not too bad at all. You got some great deals. Yeah. um Yeah. So I bet you the dog beds were by one get one half off. That's why she got such a good deal. Yeah. Yeah. You know, um they love their pet lovers there. When they found out you're getting a queen size for the both of you, like, oh, I need this through one end. I knew it. but new Okay. and you've been Have you been using your black card?
00:28:44
Speaker
Yes, uhu of course. Excellent. You feel as you've reached like that threshold, like after you just bought your last year's snacks, you can feel your body like you can feel like almost like your muscles are like getting stronger as you swipe this part. You feel like all of a sudden you just like got like the benefits of like two thousand push ups without having to do push ups or the soreness that follows afterwards.
00:29:11
Speaker
um So yeah, you're feeling you're feeling a little tough right now. You feel a little like a little strong blaze girl as you start around. She's going to be able to carry so many shopping bags. Yeah, exactly. ah Exactly. um All right. yeah I feel like now she's going to go to the sporting goods store and get like.
00:29:31
Speaker
is like all the different guns that she can as many as she can because you know she was training with the shooting range so now she wants to like get an arsenal ready so you know like I actually saw this the other day but I'm not I don't want to put booze in it but I want to put the guns in it so like she has like a thing where it's like a drawer that slides out from the bottom of her impala not like that you know the trunk doesn't open. the It slides out the bottom like an arsenal of guns and night you have like a junk drawer but it's guns ah yeah.
00:30:09
Speaker
Yeah, but they're all like nicely laid out in the in the ah Drawer with like the foam padding and everything. She does not want them to get scratched up. She's very very concerned about that You know, so she I mean she's very OCD. She likes to keep things neat.
00:30:26
Speaker
Right. So I was just experimenting on Roll 20 to see how high of a of a dice number you can put in. But apparently you can roll like a D 10,000. So that's going to be a lot easier than rolling like 20 D 100s. Holy fuck. So those were that was a test roll to see if that worked. Nice. OK, so you go into the gun story of all these guns. First of all, let's see how much you spend. So roll one D. I mean, somebody was going to let a guess.
00:30:56
Speaker
Let's call it one d 20,000. So if you type slash roll, one d 20,000, it'll do a fucking roll of a 20,000 side roll, which is crazy. Imagine what that looks like. That's probably like a fly's eye. Correct.
00:31:16
Speaker
Yes. You spent $14,058 on top of your $1,000 you spent on beds and food. I spent so much money on guns. Yeah. How come to America? Guns and ammo, knives, rockets. um you know She wants a rocket launcher so bad. And the drawer that they're currently ah outfitting onto your car is like a drawer of holding. And so like it's just it's like a Bugs Bunny pocket. You can just keep shoving missiles and everything else in there. um Oh, yeah. OK, so while you're sitting there buying, you see like a curly haired lady come up to you and she goes, oh, what can I help you with today, dear? You look like you're somebody who knows their weapons.
00:32:03
Speaker
I mean, yeah, I was just like, you know, just working on, uh, stacking my arsenal. Cause my boss, he gave me like this black card and he said, just go have fun and go shopping. And so here I am, I'm getting whatever I want. A black card member. Wow. Yeah. You might must really be feeling it now. Hmm. Yeah. Especially now that I spend all this money on guns.
00:32:30
Speaker
Oh, my goodness. Yeah, you're going to be the belle of the gun ball. You see hearts just flying around her head just like in love with all the. Yeah. Yeah. You. um You know what, Cass? Roll one D four. One D four. Yeah, just roll a one D of them.
00:32:51
Speaker
Oh, you get another experience point from just this whole incredible experience of using your black card. You feel your you feel your your your senses sharpening a little bit more. You feel your muscles getting a little bit stronger. You feel like your heart feeling a little bit more full.
Monster Making & Ice Cream Plans
00:33:09
Speaker
um You're having a great time.
00:33:12
Speaker
I'm having the best day ever. You're having the best day ever. And you know, I wish more people would take advantage of their black card because I tell you what, you get all the best deals on the black card. Only exclusive people get that. Oh, it's like VIP. I knew it. So it's like vi yes.
00:33:32
Speaker
else would I would like be able to go in the mall to like um you know I need to get my dreads like reads on if you know what I'm saying like I want to change the colors a little bit and they need to get them all like um like better like together oh yeah yeah there's the scary bear cares about your hair salon down the way
00:33:58
Speaker
I am so there. Thank you so much. Also, I'll be back because this place is awesome. Yeah, it is. Come on back anytime. You know what? If you come back up next week, we're going to have a ah a sale on nukes. Buy one, get one. On nukes. Oh my god. I've always wanted one of those. I feel like everyone should have a nuke. The world would be a lot safer of a place if everyone had a nuke.
00:34:22
Speaker
Yeah, don't piss off your neighbor, I'm just saying. Exactly, be nice to everyone, or I'll nuke ya. That's why that would be my slogan if I were running for president. I mean, that's the poster I'm gonna have on my house. I think it's great, yeah. Make make make America nuke again, manna.
00:34:40
Speaker
so ah Anyway, enjoy your fun time at the Scary Bear Cares About Your Hair Salon. Bye. Yeah, bye. OK, so while you're doing that, Jack Lazer and Jay Proto, you guys are still at Auntie Anne's, finishing your bucket of pretzel dogs and whatnot. What do you do? Oh, God, Jay. I'm starting to get my halfway through these dogs. I'm starting to.
00:35:10
Speaker
It's too much, I think. Yeah, Jack, I don't think I can, uh, I don't think I can finish. Oh God. This is a lot more than I know. I'm going to eat another one, Jay. I can't stop. What's wrong with you? Oh God. You want to put them like, we want to put them in one bucket together. We don't got to carry two buckets around. You could just have mine here. I don't want any more. Let's just put them all in one bucket. Yeah, combine, I'm sure. Okay. Put them in one bucket. Where the hell did Everett go? I don't know, man. She's... I think we lost her to this place. Shit.
00:35:43
Speaker
We probably should have kept an eye on her. She's very, uh, susceptible. I mean, wait, no, no, I see her. She's over there. she's shippping that's all way Yeah. I was literally going to say that she's skipping down the hallway. I mean, Jay, she met a dog and she almost ended the world because she was having fun.
00:36:05
Speaker
yeah i you do that's yeah how she's Now she's running a muck. I mean, you know I'm all for America, but sometimes capitalism goes a little too far. She's getting sucked in. Yeah, I see that. Do you think there's going to be a ah side effect using these cards? I don't know. cause I don't know if they're tracking us or scamming us or what.
00:36:32
Speaker
but She seems to be doing fine. I i don't know. It's just, yeah, maybe the, I don't know. do you think There could be a side effect. They're using these cards. I started a lot of money from ah gambling that one time and the time we wrestled and others. I don't even know where else I got a bunch of money from. Certainly not from Blake. He's paying us. Fuck all. I've got most of my money from just, um, side betting and shit on our jobs.
00:36:58
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, do you want to just go, uh, you want to go check out, you know, what we can buy here, uh, or. Yeah, but I'm, I'm paying cash. Okay. Yeah. All my, all my $126,000 in cash in my RV. So I'm going to wave down Everett. Hold on, hunt Everett, Everett over here.
00:37:19
Speaker
La, la, la, la, yeah.
00:37:24
Speaker
Hey, uh, so what did you, uh, did you use that card? Yeah. Like a lot. What did you, Oh, wow. I see all the bags that she's holding. What you got. What do you have in there?
00:37:37
Speaker
Oh, I got like some dog stuff and I got like some guns and some knives and stuff. I got some really great stuff. Do you like my hair? I got my hair did. Yeah. It looks great. like Let me see the guns though. Like, and then I look inside the bag and it's like a lot of guns, right? Yeah. ah lot like a lot like it's A lot of guns get launcher in there. ah Jack, check this out. Look how many guns she's carrying right now. Holy fuck.
00:38:04
Speaker
She actually if you look you look in there a little bit more because it's like a little bag of gun holding and there's like there's like little goblins in there with like Little goggles on and shit and they're like like souping up the guns and shit They're like to they have like a whole little workshop in there. They're working on the guns. Did you buy goblins? No, we can't read we're workers here Yeah, they're like my new friends Uh-huh I'm dangle, that's dingle. I don't care, I should shut up. I am dangle. No, I don't. know I close the bag, tap staple, shut up. That's a little fucked up, that's a little weird. Dude, that's what I'm saying. Does anyone else think that's problematic? Yes, it's incredibly problematic. You have slaves in here. Man, I've been- They're my friends.
00:38:59
Speaker
What are their names? What are their names? They're your friends. Dingle and Dangle. Shit. I named She named them. She named her friends that are in her bag working for her. Unpaid labor for her. Yeah. like I paid them. They get all sorts of snacks and cookies like that. Look, they got cookies in there. They're working for their food. That's great. I like cookies. Yeah. Where are you off to, Everett?
00:39:28
Speaker
Um, well, I just got, like, my hair did, and so, like, I was gonna go to, like, the Build a Monster store, because they have, like, those, um, stuffed, uh, like, plushies that you can make that look like monsters, and I wanted to build one of those, because they're so cute! Ever- No. You're not going- You already have a demon dog. You're not going to build a damn monster. It's gonna come alive and eat everybody.
00:39:53
Speaker
That's one thing I'm putting my foot down. It's just like a stuffed animal. It's like a teddy bear. I you mean to me. Why are you doing that to me? That's literally ever all the villains to go there and they build a little monster and they bring it to life.
00:40:10
Speaker
but You weird you're crazy. yeah I'm going to get my monster. I'll be back you see You see like little goblin hands reach out of your bag on your shoulder and like start like dabbing your tears with like a little kerchief We have to follow her I don't really want to Jay I know I don't either but That's just it sounds better right? I kind of want to go to the gun store and you know what listen She wants to be enslaving goblins and bring things to life that shouldn't be alive. That's our Brizdas, all right? I'm pretty sure we shouldn't have left to keep that dog either, but you know.
00:40:52
Speaker
I'm kind of starting to think that I woke up in like the worst timeline or something. I don't know what's going on right here. Or like I'm in some sort of not awake right now. Yeah, I feel like you wouldn't be able to stop me anyways. Gosh, you can you just go get your damn build a Munster? Jesus. ah Anyway, Jay, you want to get in my ah RV? We can drive to that gun store. This place is huge. Yeah, sure.
00:41:14
Speaker
I drive to the gun store. I love it. um It's across the street. Yeah, you drive across the mall to the gun store. um Sorry, Jesse. I'm getting over COVID, by the way. What?
00:41:30
Speaker
Yeah, don't open up that that Walmart bag. It's full of tissues I've been blowing and I just throw it in there. Oh, you mean this one that I was... Okay, yeah, I'll put that down. Yeah, I was breathing into it. I was hyperventilating into it. Oh, You see a lady, like, knocks on your RV window. She goes, hi, dear. What are you looking for? For you to get out of my way, I'm trying to shove her guns.
00:41:53
Speaker
Well, right this way, what kind of guns you looking for? We got all sorts of fun stuff in here. Um, I'm going to base it off of what I have on my character sheet that I can use and click on and have activated. Let me see that character sheet. Let me take a look at that thing. I'm thinking a crowbar would be handy to pry my way into some stuff. Oh yeah. We got the crowbar 10,000 right over here. Oh, by the way, I'm paying cash. That's fine. We love cash around here. Great. Cash is king. Uh, yeah, crowbar. Um, what else do you think Jay? What are you looking for, buddy?
00:42:22
Speaker
Uh, well, I mean, I kind of got this stick ass gun already. Uh, I do and don't really know how much better. I mean, I have a grenade launcher, uh, got any special ammunition for the grenade launcher. Oh, hell yeah. Anything you could possibly think of. We just got one in that when you shoot it, a bunch of little fairies come out and annoy the fuck out of whoever you shoot it at. Uh, I'm good on that. Can I just get like.
00:42:51
Speaker
I don't know, do you have like a like a like a sticky bomb or something? you know Like you know about some move ah but a bomb that makes you sticky or a bomb that sticks to things? Like a bomb that sticks to things. but Like a tear gas thing too. We can tear gas people. yeah Oh yeah, I need some tear gas. I need some tear gas. Oh yeah, we got tear gas, laughing gas, beer gas, shear gas, and clear glass. You got any assault rifles back there?
00:43:15
Speaker
ah Assault rifle. No, those were banned in the store, unfortunately, um but on account of their dangerous. um But ah yeah, we have everything else. Can we see your special situation? I'm just yanking your dick. We got assault rifles in here. Great. So let's go. I want one of them to give me your I want one that like looks like it's seen some shit, though. You know, you got any like that have been, you know, you kind of used like to.
00:43:41
Speaker
Yeah, we got one where a guy fought a guy that looked like that guy with the claws and uses gun to block the shots. That's great. Thanks. I imagine that. I imagine that know specifically because of my character sheet it says better to assault rifle. good Yeah. so So you want yourself an assault rifle? Yeah, this one's this one's the the the the mega shooter five million. ah It'll shoot anything with bullets.
00:44:06
Speaker
ah Don't don't buy that look there's an m4 right there. Don't buy that thing Jack. Oh classic m4 is fine, too I mean this one will get the job done. It's not as fancy, but it'll do okay That one looks like a like a nerf gun or something. Yeah, just get the oh, it's it get down just get them It's a nerf gun, but it nerfs everything you shoot it at hmm. Yeah, I'll go with a classic though You know I'm a classic kind of guy Sure, sure, sure. All right. All right. That'll be, that'll be 500 wing wangs for the, for the M4. Damn. Right. And how about for the crowbar? That'll be 6,000 wing wangs for the crowbar. but the fun Yeah, but it's the best crowbar on planet earth. There's nothing that I can't pry open. I'll tell you what. It's fine. I'm literally, I'm, literally i'm I'm freaking I'm green, buddy. Yeah. It's an it's enchanted by the world's greatest locksmith. Excellent. Be able to get in anywhere then, huh?
00:44:55
Speaker
Yeah, or lock things if you're really, if you get really creative. I probably would be doing that. All right. Do you just want a regular crowbar then? You don't have to have the fancy one. No, I mean, I want the one that can get me into things a lot easier. I'm just, I'm just saying I'm not going to use it to lock things. I'm using it to getting into places. Also, I don't know what your persuasion is, but if there is a certain someone whose pants you want to get in the crowbar, we're walking right out to you. I'm sorry. I have COVID. I had, I had. had and
00:45:24
Speaker
I comedically timed cough Well time ah All right, and mr. Mr. You said you wanted some some fancy yeah grenade launcher bo bullets. Yeah, no, actually anything fancy just get me um yeah Some basic I just need some I'm a little low on my high explosive rounds.
00:45:46
Speaker
Right. Would you like to try our variety pack? Sixty four grenades come in there of all different colors, sizes and and yeah ands innards. How much? ah That for you, dear, that'll be two hundred dollars. OK, yeah, sure. Mm hmm. There's all sorts of fun stuff in there. It's a surprise with every every load. Reload. Jack.
00:46:14
Speaker
Jack, can I borrow 200 bucks? I don't want to use this black card and I tell left a lot of them. Oh, you're a black card member? Dang. No, no. Oh, you're okay. i you You know, cash is fine. I love friends, supporting friends. That's great. I just realized, wait, member, hold on.
00:46:29
Speaker
Uh, I go, I, I pull up discord and I start a call in our, in our group. You call like forever it. Yeah. Well for everybody, Blake too. I answer. Okay. Specifically Blake. Yeah. He answers next to you. Right. Why do you, what do you want? Blake, are we members? Are you members? Yeah. With this fuck I put the car with this fucking car. Did you put my name on this thing? Yeah. You're the black card members. What the hell, man? It's my birthday on here, mate. What?
00:46:58
Speaker
No, just your name. People know who Jack Lazar is. yeah but Yeah, but that's fine. it's in It's spoken word. It's not digitally recorded somewhere. Well, that's not digital. You're holding on to it. Yeah, but how how does money come out of plastic car without being electrical digital? That's how it works. Do you not know how credit cards work? It's a magic enchantment. It's not digital. Well, either way, I don't want mind i don't want some wizard knowing about me.
00:47:23
Speaker
All wizards know about Jack Lazer. No, not all wizards. They're right. There's probably a few. You're really famous, Jack. Some are dead. Some of them are on the coast. Haha, very funny. like
00:47:39
Speaker
um That's fine. Bye Blake. yeah Hi, Jay. You still you still on the call? Oh, yeah, bye. Was it both? Both. Was this a lady or a dude who was checking us out? Forgot the lady is a curly haired lady, ma'am. Yeah. Is there a like a shredding place around here where like the villains go to shred other? You know, questionable documents. Sure. ah shredders Shredder shredder shredder robbery up the on the other side of the mall. OK, on this floor.
00:48:13
Speaker
No, it's on the third floor. Okay. I don't like using those little maps. It makes me feel like I'm an, I'm an idiot. I don't know where I'm going. No, I understand. If you just look at your phone, you can download the app. Yeah, right. All right. See you later. Okay. Is there anything else that you needed? There's an incinerator right there. Just throw it in. Oh yeah. You could do it in the incinerator. No, there's an incinerator right there. You're right. There's one right there. Oh yeah. That's great. That's where that's ah why would I would even not have thought about it. That's where the villains come after they, you know, commit,
00:48:43
Speaker
Murders and homicides genocides, they throw their weapons in there and it's incinerated and all the evidence is gone. At least tracing to the weapon back to them. Oh yeah. You see, you see like a bunch of like heavily armored, like, uh, like orcs that are just hanging around the incinerator, just like chucking in documents and shit. Like, need to use the incinerator, do you? Yeah. Mind if I cut in there? Oh no, not at all. Jack Lazer, right? Yeah. That's your little protege, Jay Proto.
00:49:10
Speaker
No, he's he's um my friend Jimmy Chang is part of J. He's just my J-Proto. Oh, Jimmy Chang? Oh, wow. We haven't heard that name in a while. Yeah. yeah Anyway, i I'm going to whip the thing in there the cart. Oh, fuck. Is that a black card? What are you doing? It was. You know how many people got to get killed before that black card didn't show up? and i said was i want to I want to dictate that as it throws in it goes into the fire, like i a but ah puff of like red smoke comes up.
00:49:37
Speaker
Oh, fuck. I could have used it. had might No, it had my name on it. First of all, I'm not going to let you be buying some shit with my name. I don't know what you're doing. What are you throwing away? Talk to me about how you kill people. Yeah, I'm not going to let you buy shit with my name. No, no, just was supposed to hold on to my tech techs records for five years and then we can shred them after that. But then we saw what incinerator thought that'd be more fun. Maybe I was. I did like that. That was pretty fun.
00:50:00
Speaker
Yeah, you wanna- you wanna throw some paper in the incinerator with us? Uhhh... Nah, I- I kinda gotta go fuck around. Alright, what about you Mr. Proto? You wanna throw some- you wanna throw some documents in here? Nah, I- I'm good man.
00:50:15
Speaker
All right, hey, you know, it's nice to get to talk to, you know, people without having to worry about getting killed, you know, so enjoy your time with them always. This is our second time. It's a good time. Yeah, it's pretty all right here. I look at the bucket of hot dog, personal dogs. I've been carrying them like, Jay, what do you think? I keep looking at these things and smelling them. I'm disgusted. Just throw them in the incinerator. Well, I mean, does that kind of want them?
00:50:37
Speaker
Oh you shit, you guys want some, uh, pretzel dogs? Oh fuck, you good, you shit, oh man. Are those Auntie Anne's pretzel dogs? Hell yeah. Oh shit, I mean, do you, I mean, I don't have a whole lot more money left. We each ate a whole buck half bucket to ourselves and I just, I can't even think about eating more right now, I'm gonna throw up. Oh yeah, that's so great, you know what, I owe you one, thank you. You know, just give me a call if you need anything on the outside.
00:51:02
Speaker
All right, I'll do that. Bye. Yeah, please do. Thank you. You guys look as fucking fucking dogs. I was a walkway. I'm like, hey, Jay, I didn't get that guy's name. I'm not calling that fucking guy. Yeah, got him. a Nice job. Got him. Thanks. Jay, as you guys turn around from the incinerator, you see a tall woman with a bunch of bandoliers all over her body, a woman that you spent a month with saying there she goes, Jay, hey, my guy.
00:51:34
Speaker
Uh, I turned to the lady inside of the store. Uh, aye Hey, can I, you guys sell guns, right? But like what about like hired guns? Do you mean like the lady who sold you the guns originally? Yeah. She's like, Oh yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You can buy hired guns. Those are in the back shelf. Can you, uh, just get all of them for me. Just get all of them.
00:52:00
Speaker
You wanna buy the whole whole stock of our hired guns? Yeah, and I take out the black card as my voice cracks. Oh my god. And I just say, yeah, here, just get them all and tell them to come out and kill that fucking lady. I mean, they can't kill her on the premises, but the moment she walks off the premises, they will kill her. How much does it cost to kill them on the premises?
00:52:21
Speaker
Well, we can't. There's a magical enchantment on the mall. Nobody can fight here on the mall. At least the villains aren't allowed to fight heroes on in the mall property. What can they in heroes fight villains? Heroes can't fight villains. Villains can't have heroes. I guess villains could fight villains and heroes could fight heroes, but it can't be one against the other. Oh. Well, let's see what happens. And I pull up my gun and I try to shoot Maxine in the face.
00:52:43
Speaker
Uh, you can't pull the trigger. Your finger does not, does not bend enough to pull the trigger back. and I find a puppy and kick it and then I try to shoot Maxine. You find a puppy and kick it, the puppy kicks your back. And it's like, Hey, what the fuck's your problem, dude? I'm trying to get a villain. But I'm also a villain. I'm the, I'm the man. ah They call me the mange. and Okay. So we can fight, which means I'm a villain. That means Maxine's the hero. God damn it. oh Oh shit, paradox. Shit. What are you gonna do? Yeah, you guys killed a lot of people.
00:53:21
Speaker
That's a great point. ah Well, we can't fight your hero in the villain community. That's all right. Well, Maxine's just like, yeah, that's kind of why I want to hang out with you, Jay. I just think you're so cool. you I mean, you're you're so much better than Jack laser. All right. Do my boys come out of the back yet? The goons hired goons. ah Did you actually like have her go higher? We get hired goons. Yeah. All right. Roll roll a one D one hundred thousand. Actually, actually, actually, Jay, wait, with who whose money are you buying all these goons with?
00:53:52
Speaker
Probably my soul's money or something. I don't know Blackboard. I'm not paying for all that shit. All right. I get a whole ass army $41,941 Jay as like she goes back and swipes your card and you just see what she does is she brings out just like these like a whole box of capsules and Like, just this heavy-ass box of, like, it looks like these little pill-sized, uh, maybe not, maybe not pill-exact, they're pill-shaped capsules. Um, and it's like this heavy, golden-crusted black, uh, with, like, silver trim box. And she slaps it on the ground next to you, and she goes,
00:54:30
Speaker
Oh, that thing's... It took me a minute to put all those in there. Those guys are heavy. Let me tell you something. Just because they're compressed does not mean that they lose their weight. I will tell you what. I wanted to wear them out of the store. If that's... ah You didn't have to box them. Ah, shit. How long it took me to put those in there? Take 30 seconds.
00:54:51
Speaker
That's a long time in the super store. All right. Well, I mean, just if you want to open them all up right now, there's like 32 dudes in there.
Reunions & Animated Teddy Bear
00:54:59
Speaker
Yeah. Come on out. Come on out, boys. All right. And they just like in like a big old puff of blue, yellow, green, different colored smoke, you see like a whole just like litany of fucking people like one dressed up like a white ninja, a black ninja, a samurai, a pirate, somebody with like a whole bunch of armor plate, a cleric, ah with several wizards and sorcerers.
00:55:21
Speaker
Um, like dudes with big ass sniper rifles, one that looks almost exactly like a slayed, but not slayed deathstroke. Uh, the colors are swapped. It looks just like him. Um, there's all sorts of people there, um, surrounding you. You have like a posse of, um, all right. I picked out the, I picked out the toughest looking, uh, but like, you know, uh, straight shooting yeah mafia type guy who speaks with a weird, you know, thick, uh, accent of your choice.
00:55:50
Speaker
Yeah, you see you see a guy walks up, he's got like a bowler hat on. ah His like muscles are busting out of his sleeves. He's wearing like a nice suit, but like his fucking blazer's just like ripped because he's ripped. um He's got like a whip on one side and he's got like a couple of like guns holstered on the same side on the other part of his belt. And he says, yeah, what's up? They called me Blas Johnson. Who do you want me to blast? Yeah, you can ah you can boss these other goons around, right?
00:56:17
Speaker
You want me to boss these? But you just bought us, boss. You're the boss. You want me to be the boss boss? That's right. And you just... You're gonna take what I say and organize these fuckers. Alright, you guys see that? The boss told me that I'm the boss when the boss isn't the boss. Got it?
00:56:33
Speaker
and he goes hora drive dr drive rob ra rock ah Listen, I need you to kill that lady. the not not the Not the sales lady, not the sales lady. that i mean want steal you yeah co it I just need her dead. I need her dead. I'm sick of her. All right. Well, the moment she walks off the premises, boss, consider her whacked. Great. Now, how do you want it to go? Do you want to bring back a head? Do you want to bring back her toes? Do you want me to just blow it all off and sit right? How do you want it done? You know, honestly, I don't even care if you kill her. I just don't want to see her.
00:57:00
Speaker
Oh, actually, you know what? I can ask one of the Enchantresses back here to just send her into another universe. Oh, you can do that inside the store? No, no, no. We still have to be off the premises, but ah but we could just send her into another world if you want. You'll never see her again. Yeah, I mean, that would work. I don't care. I don't really... Yeah, just get rid of them and then you're done. You're free to go. Oh, really? That's it? Yeah. Hey, Jaguar. Just send her to somewhere else when she walks out that at the door.
00:57:27
Speaker
Yes, of course. You all got paid, right? y'all like When I bought the card, you all got paid? ah No, you just own us. We're just like indentured servants.
00:57:37
Speaker
yeah
00:57:40
Speaker
well after That's okay. That's why we were born. We're sellswords, except that we sold ourselves to a store. It's interesting. but so it so We made money by letting selling ourselves to the store, so we already made our bucks. Okay, so it's it's a moral, I guess.
00:57:55
Speaker
All right. Sure. If you want to call a butt high in a bunch of sellswords to kill somebody more. Well, sure. All right. Well, whatever, Jack. Sorry. Last Johnson's got your back, though. Don't worry. Thanks, buddy. Jack, I do. I'm just very annoyed with her. And I just. You know, she's been standing there like the whole time. I apologize for taking up all that time. So you just you're getting a bunch of. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
00:58:24
Speaker
Are you saying you don't want to hang out anymore? Shh. Okay. Well, all right. Check laser just kind of creeps away. Okay. I just, you know, I just thought you were cool. That's all. Okay. Well, I guess I'll go contend with these sell swords. I'll get out of your life forever. All right, sell swords. Follow me. Guess we're going to go do this. And they follow her towards the door.
00:58:50
Speaker
and she hops on ah on a She hops on a motorcycle with rockets on it and just fires her up off and then one of the wizards in the group casts a spell and they all start flying after her. That seems pretty sick.
00:59:02
Speaker
ah yeah Sounds like you missed out, James. Oh, hey. ever yeah Oh, Oh, by the way,
00:59:14
Speaker
um Uh, Jay proto roll a one D eight, please.
00:59:22
Speaker
Please. And thank you to you. Get two whole experience points i love ah in your body as you feel your muscles get stronger, your your wits get sharper. You find that you can kind of track the villains and heroes and sell swords as they're flying through the air like much easier now. um So, yeah, you feel like you're getting you. You feel boosted, you feel strong.
00:59:46
Speaker
um okay OK, Jack Lazer, do you want to do anything else here at the gun's place or get any other weapons? No, I walked away when I was getting awkward and I just I'm leaning against the rail outside of the donut hole. OK, Everett, where have you been this whole time before you come back to there? Where where else have you been shopping? Oh, she was, of course, making her monster, her stuff. Oh, yeah. She monster. What did you make?
01:00:11
Speaker
Um, so it kind of looks like the equivalent of like a purple minion, but like a bear. So it's got like goggles so that they can, yeah, like, so it's like a minion bear. So it's like a purple, like like the purple one. Um, I don't know what my obsession with purple is lately. Don't ask me. I have like purple, like everywhere. All of a sudden, like I have a purple mouse. I have purple headphones, purple, everything. Um, anyways, so, um,
01:00:44
Speaker
She has like a purple bear that kind of looks like a minion. Has the goggles so that they have like matching goggles and named him Ferdinand Ferdinand. Yeah. You see like the thing that says input name this beautiful baby. and You name him Ferdinand. And then yeah once you put in the name, he comes to life and he goes. Mom.
01:01:08
Speaker
Oh, it's just so you. You're so cute. She hugs them to her chest. ah He gives you a bear hug um it and squeezes you real hard. And he says, can we get some ice cream? I want to know what ice cream tastes like.
01:01:28
Speaker
Of course, I was just thinking that we could go get some ice cream because like, that sounds amazing right now. I bet you they've got like one of those Jamba juices or like the Dairy Queens or something over there in the food court. And I'm still like, I still have all of the pretzels and stuff, but you could always get dessert. Oh, yeah. Oh, that sounds good. I want to eat the queen. Where's this Dairy Queen?
01:01:53
Speaker
I'm not really sure where she lives, but I know that she's got some great ice cream. Oh. Well, let's go get some great ice cream. Can we, Mommy? Can we? Yeah. Ferdinand wants ice cream. Absolutely. Yeah, we'll get the hot fudge and the peanuts and the cherry one swap. Oh, I don't know what any of that is, but I want to go see it.
01:02:16
Speaker
Oh, you definitely will learn what it is. She like grabs it by the hand and starts skipping down the hallway. yeah As you grab it by the hand, it grows to be about like two and a half feet, like ah like a like a toddler size, and you're just like holding it standing there running down the hallway. It's like waddling. is like ah It's like at everybody that you pass. and like You see like the biggest, toughest, gruffiest like like villains. They're like, oh, aren't you just the cutest little thing?
01:02:45
Speaker
um Yeah, that's my foot in it. I didn't need the cutest. Oh, he's just so cute. Let me paint you his little cheeks. Oh my goodness. Be careful getting your fingers that close to his mouth. Cause he will put your fingers off. I'm just saying. Hi, I can say I just built me monster. and He took off me all iron. That's my fault. I said I wanted an arm eating monster. I should have just, you know, I should, I should i should have been paying attention. Yep.
01:03:10
Speaker
Yeah, you really should have. Yeah, but that's okay. You know, now I'm going to go down to the bionic arm store and get a bionic arm that shoots fire out of it. You can do that. We have a store here like that. Yeah, but you have to get your arm cut off to do it or your leg or your butt cheeks. You know, whatever body part you want to have implants in. Okay. I'm going to remember that for next time because I'm definitely coming back to this mall. It is so awesome here. You hear, you hear Ferdinand's like, I want butt cheek lasers.
01:03:41
Speaker
butt cheek lasers. Yeah, I want to have lasers come on my butt cheeks. Well, let's see if we can figure out a place that has a place like that. I mean, we got it. I bet you they've got like a party store. We could go get implants.
01:03:56
Speaker
What's in plants? I know, but like maybe they've got a party store where we can put like we can put the lasers in your bumholes and then we can put like ah one of those. The thing is that has the lights that go crazy all up in your like your belly so that we can be like a dance party. Sweet. I'll be yeah I'll be a disco Ferdinand. and Yeah, I think that's a great idea. oh And then I bet we could go to that one, um like the Shaq radio place and then like, you know, we could put like a stereo in you and then we have like a mobile dance party or the slime. Cool. They'll call me Ferdin Dance. I'll come up with something better. I love you, Mommy. Yeah, we'll think of something. I love you, little Ferdinad.
01:04:45
Speaker
And he grows a little bit bigger. He's like, oh, um, so yeah, now he's a little bit taller. He's like, his head's like up to your waist right now. Um, you better not get a teenage jinx when you get bigger. I'm just saying I'll kick your ass straight to that fucking the shredder. I found a hair in between my hairs. What's that one? This one's different than the other hairs I have.
01:05:10
Speaker
ah ah Don't worry about that radio. OK, OK, Mommy, I love you. I love too. All right, Everett, roll 1D2000. Let's see how much you spent on your Build a Monster. We need to see how much you spent on your black card.
01:05:32
Speaker
1D2000. Is it working? There we go. 500, you spent $575. All right, not too bad. Yeah. All right. It's a really cheap teddy bear. and yeah's it cheap I mean, for a monster that comes to life and talks to you and grows, it's pretty cheap. um Yeah, pretty cheap.
01:05:47
Speaker
Yeah. OK, very good. Well, you have that as you're kind of strolling around the mall. um Let's cut back to we'll say that right around that time is when like you you were saying to Jay Proto um that he might be missing out on something.
Future Plans & Ice Skating
01:06:02
Speaker
So you've reunited with Jack Lazer and Jay Proto. All of the sellswords have chased away um Maxine Steele and have followed her out into the parking lot. What do you guys do?
01:06:15
Speaker
What's the plan now, Jack Lazer, Jay Proto, whatever? You guys ah done? Want to buy anything else?
01:06:24
Speaker
um I mean, maybe. I don't know. I was thinking about seeing if they had like a skating rink or something. We could get like we could go skating. That sounds like so much fun. How about you guys? say And then all of a sudden she just like falls asleep.
01:06:40
Speaker
yes Oh, mommy fell asleep. Oh, geez, I want to go ice skating. Well, what are you guys? Uncle Uncle, your name and uncle, your name. Do you want to go ice skating? No, no. Oh, you're an incinerator kid. What's an incinerator?
01:06:57
Speaker
ah
01:07:00
Speaker
How much did you cost? She snorts away. You're not going to, you're not going to, you stay away from my beer. You just, uh, you stay away from my beer. Let's get out of here. Let's, let's, I guess let's go home. I'm keeping an eye on you, buddy. I'm keeping an eye on you too. When he takes one of his eyes out and touches you with it. See? And then puts it back in and puts his goggles back on. I'm going to worry. Yeah, I'm following jacket.
01:07:25
Speaker
All right. Is there any other place that you guys want to go ah here in this store? No, this is just going to be a whatever you guys want to do episode. No, she she she don't want to spend your black card anymore. I burnt mine. Oh, that's right. I'm throwing mine. I'm throwing mine. And eat that you know what? I'm going to give it to. I'm going to contact that guy. who you What was his name again? Which guy? The leader of the group.
01:07:53
Speaker
Uh, blast Johnson. Is that his name? The, the, uh, you mean like the kind of the, the leader guy of your little mob crew that you bought? Yeah. Yeah. Um, last Johnson is his name. So I leveled up and I'm going to take, uh, gain an ally. Awesome. Another psychic for your hero, but junior to you. That's so good. That's his sidekick.
01:08:18
Speaker
i He's really growing up. And, uh, you said you call blast Johnson. Yeah, and I'm just like, hey, blast. Yeah, yeah, boss. What's up, boss? Hey, guys, boss is on the phone. Shut the fuck up. Hey, boss. I turn on my camera and I just like, I like go to a, I'm at like a potted plant in the, in the mall. I'm like, here, I'm putting the black card right here. All right, man. That's for you. Come get it. And then I show them what- Oh, you want me to spend your black card, boss? I don't know if- Oh, that's not my black card, first off.
01:08:45
Speaker
Who's Black God is it, boss? I have no fucking clue, but i don't I don't trust this shit. I don't like it. It's all yours, man. He doesn't have your name on it, boss? um Let me check. Does it have my name on it? Yes, it says J-Proto on it. Well, I guess it does have my name on it. Well, it's yours
Dynamics & Black Card Mysteries
01:09:00
Speaker
now. It's going to be hidden in this potted plant here. Oh, you really need it, boss? I can go run errands for you, boss, and buy things for you, boss. Yeah, I figured you know maybe I could contact you for other work, depending on how you deal with Maxine.
01:09:13
Speaker
Sweet. Oh, actually, as we speak and he turns his camera on and shows you, there's like a big old like kind of like diamond rip in reality where like all of your other sellswords are like charging in there with like weapons and spells. And you can see like the ones that use guns are just like firing bullets into it. Like, yeah, she's in there, boss. We're just trying to like really run her all the way out of town now. All right. Yeah, nice job. I trust you. All right. Later, man. Excellent. Oh, wait, wait. hey Before you hang up, boss. Do you want us all to come back? Like where are we supposed to go?
01:09:42
Speaker
Well, that's just why you're getting the black card. You're free. Do you want us all? Do you want us all to hang out or do you just want me to hang out and the other guys can keep chasing Maxine? Well, you're the boss of those guys. So it's up to them. It's up to you. Whatever you decide.
01:09:55
Speaker
Oh, I. Hmm. I won't let you down, boss. I trust you down, boys. Yeah, you're a good man. All right. Hang up. All right. You see like a brief moment where he looks at his phone, you see like his eyes roll up with tears. He goes, I won't let you down, boss. I won't let you down. All right, guys, close up the portal. We're going to go build a school. Let's go.
01:10:15
Speaker
just
01:10:18
Speaker
They go to school. So. So is that it? You guys don't want to do anything else? No, I don't trust it. Jay, it is not trust the black card. He's getting rid of it. You know, just the washing it in her wallet. I got some weapons. I'm good. Yeah. All right. Cool. If you say last chance to super this, the Super Mall has everything you could possibly want. If there's anything that you want for your character to have for future adventures, now's the time to get it. Not to say that you couldn't go shopping again, but like the Super Mall is the only place that will have literally everything.
01:10:54
Speaker
I mean, I got a Toyota pickup, I got a windowless white van, I got an RV. What more could I want? I got my motorcycle. Do you want to upgrade any of your vehicles, upgrade any of your weapons, upgrade any of your gear? they're all It's all natural. Do you want a cybernetic implant? No. Anything you could possibly want? I'm an all natural, from the ground up man. All right, very good. And um ah and Everett, is there anything else that you want to buy?
01:11:22
Speaker
um I feel like she would just kind of go into random clothes places and get like new clothes and um Things for her hair and just like girly stuff, you know shopping montages montages with you and Ferdinand yeah mean a mountain he shakes his head yes or no mountain yeah Yeah, he's all like yes and no and you know, and then he's like throwing clothes at the ah clerk or whatever. owner to get out there he He's grown about like another foot since then. He's like up to your shoulder. Like the more fun he's having with you, like the bigger he's getting, the more he trusts you, the taller he gets. And he's like, there's yeah cut to one point where he's chasing the clerk out of there. He's like, get out of here. It's my money. Only I get to see your dress. Yeah, yeah. and He's making it rain.
01:12:14
Speaker
Yep, I love it. Okay, you know what? um Roll one more 1d2000 to see how much more I'm assuming you're using your black card for all your clothes. Oh, yeah, she's gonna use that card as much as she can. Okay.
01:12:32
Speaker
Uh, yeah, you know what? Roll another, forty eight roll another D four. You rolled 12, $1,248 that you spent on close to take two more experience points. You feel like you feel overjoyed. You feel excited. You feel experienced. You feel like you've had a great time. Um, you know, having some rest and relaxation after all these missions has really helped you grow as a person.
Leaving the Mall & Going Home
01:12:54
Speaker
Um, ah hell yeah okay.
01:12:58
Speaker
All right, Jay Frodo, do you want to buy anything else or go anywhere else here in the the Super Mall before you leave? No. You don't want to go by the i what was that game that you said earlier? If I call a fate for now, he's. ah He, he tries to find a, he, he goes and tries to find a store where you can buy a girlfriend and he's like, there's no way, but then they have it. And he's like, well, that's really fucked up. They have the girlfriend story. Yeah. He just, he is disgusted by that and leaves. Uh, you hear all the girls go, ah, man, that's Jay Proto, a sidekick of, of Jimmy Chango. Who the fuck I am. Shut up. We all know who you are. You're, you're, you're our hero. All right.
01:13:46
Speaker
I love, love, love you, Jay Frodo. I knew it.
01:13:54
Speaker
He said the thing. He said I knew it. Um, uh, okay. So you guys, you guys leave. Yes. Well, yeah. OK. I'm with Jack. You guys, you guys leave in Jack's RV as you ride through the mall. Still more floors to be explored, maybe in a future episode. um And that's it. You guys, you guys, you guys did the adventure um as you guys go to leave the mall. Good job. You guys did it.
01:14:22
Speaker
Is there anything else that you want to do any other place you want to go before we wrap up? I just want to give you guys something fun to do in the mall. You call Blake, okay? Yeah, what's up, Jay? Blake, what the hell is that? What's what? The fucking mall, man. We're like, what is that? It's a super mall. What are you talking about? You should be excited. Very few people get to go to that. It's very explicit. All right, so wait, wait. Why do you have all the, why do you have Kickstarter's going? And then you just give us these black cards with infinite money.
01:14:50
Speaker
Well, like I said, they were gifts from the secret government because you guys saved the world from an apocalypse. Right. And and right now the secret government's doing a big old cover-up so people don't remember that there was a big old cow god trying to break through our reality. Yeah. Oh, that was last week. that Like everybody just forgot. It was two weeks ago. Everett's wearing a bunch of stuff that means she's in their pocket now. I didn't spend shit. They don't own me.
01:15:15
Speaker
yeah my government my ass yeah it's gonna say yeah everyone has like a ball cap on it says like go secret government she's like i don't know you guys a talking of yeah um yeah you see you see Ferdinand has a flag that says like we love the we love the secret government Um, you're like, I don't know what you do does exist. Right. Oh, 52 is especially fine. Wait till you get invited to that party. Nessie is fucking crazy.
01:15:46
Speaker
this is Look, I can only pay you guys for certain jobs if it's crowdfunded or if I get the money, I can't pay you a secret government, but the secret government has now recognized your work and wanted to reward you with some cool stuff. That's all. Uh-huh. I'm not a government lackey.
01:16:04
Speaker
Let's keep them out of this, Blake. Hey, that's cool. I mean, let me know next time you guys want to go to the super mall, though. You can spend cash, card, whatever. And I'll just open up another portal. I spent $41,000. Hey, good for you. What'd you get?
01:16:19
Speaker
An army of goons? I thought my micro crowbar was expensive. Oh shit, you got an army of goons? Good for you, man. did you where Where did you get it from? Did you get it from the gun store? Hey, freedom. Can you believe that, Blake? He just set them free. He gave them money. He gave them his black guard. They're free. Wow, what a mensch. Just what a good guy. Just to just just a good guy, Jay. Actually, there's a lot of problematic stuff going on. Jay, you said they're selling girlfriends there. They've got goblins in bags doing labor. Yeah, the girlfriends are robot girlfriends. Guys was still, you know.
01:16:49
Speaker
Caps guys are real. Most of them are AI though. Yeah. Yeah. There's some real ones in there. I'm sure Jay. You know, Maxine Steele came from the girlfriend store. Uh, explains a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Um, cool. I mean, I hope you guys had a good time. wo yeah got a Great time. Oh, you look like you, who's that little guy with, or I guess he's kind of big now, but who's that guy? Hey.
01:17:18
Speaker
hey Hey, so Ferdinand, you got, well, you got yourself a dog and you got yourself a kid, eh? Cool. Well, I just, make kind of I mean, it's a monster, but he like, he's, he does on his own. Like he's, he's crazy. He's awesome. Yeah. Just don't, just don't feed him after 12 PM. Oh, oh, okay. Wow. Sure. Uh, whatever. wait What do you mean? It's three, it's three o'clock right now. And we just, we just gave him some.
01:17:49
Speaker
Pressle dogs. Oh. Oh, fuck. Is that what he's eating in the background? ah and ma again try i I supposed to give all those to that guy whose name I never got. Yeah. Well, we I mean. You kept a couple? Yeah. You were holding out on me the whole time, Jake. God. Well, I mean. you Give me one of those special dogs. i I'm the one I'm kind of. No, they're mine. Fucking off. I'm going to put that thing out the window ever. That's my mommy. Oh, no. she Another inner group conflict starting. Inner group conflict only starts if you look at me and my mommy in any sort of perverse way. All right. Well, we we're good then. All right. OK, cool. Let's go play some. Let's go play some caliphate three.
01:18:37
Speaker
You want to start a party, Jay? Let's go. No. Jerry, are you still on the call with Blake? Yes. Like you call a portal forever to go back to her house. Did I or could I? Can you please? If you want to go home, sweetheart, this guy's creeping me out. Yeah, I'm ready to go like show um my... Ramsey? You know, Ramsey, my my new friend, and then we're going to be like a whole happy family. And you see like two goblin heads poke out of your bag and one's like, don't forget about us. It was like, yeah, me too. Let's go meet your doggy.
01:19:58
Speaker
well does it look good already