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The Affordables 1.8: Dungeons IN Dragons (Follow The Finger)
30 Plays12 days ago
Jay escapes the clutches of Maxine Steel while acquiring a new weapon! Jack Lazer may be royalty, and Everett gets to see some booty. Also, Excalibur has been stolen and hidden within the caves of a dragon!
Neat huh?
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode Recap
00:00:29
Speaker
Whether you have to take a tinkle or not, you have to wait until the end of the show. So that's the course that you all made. I guess you were mad. You should have gone before we left. You should have gone before we left. That's exactly right. Good morning, good afternoon and good evening, ladies, gentlemen, tinkellers of all ages out there. This is Rolled Players. And welcome back to Rolled Affordables. I already said Rolled Players. Welcome back. This is Rolled Players. Welcome back to Rolled Players. This is Rolled Players. And welcome back to the Affordables Episode 8, if you can believe it.
00:00:58
Speaker
That's fucking crazy. I don't have any direction for this, by the way. So any point, if any of you want to run a game and change the story, go for it. Affordables is just the time killer for the holidays. So somebody let me know in the audience. David, if you want to run a game, you just let me know, pal. No, you're doing great. Thanks, man. Appreciate that. You're doing amazing.
00:01:17
Speaker
I think I thank you. um Anywho, what happened last time? Well, before that, I say that, hey, we got we got Justin here. We got David here. We got Cass here. They're playing Everett, Jack Lazer and Jay Proto respectively and and respectfully, I think.
00:01:32
Speaker
um So what happened last time? I have it in front of me. So I don't forget the goblin dogs, a newly formed hockey team, the goblin dogs with goblins, Tommy and ah the affordability in their various coaching and ah forward positions on the team defeated the serifs on the ice. um As we found out that angel like beings were possessing the bodies of hockey players to help them win a bunch of money and gold.
00:01:58
Speaker
um The affordable stopped him. And during that whole time, poor little Jay Proto jumped in front of ah of a speeding hockey puck to protect his friends. And he took one right to the dome.
00:02:10
Speaker
And he got a little loopy and started talking funny. And then he ended up going to the hospital right after they all won a bunch of money betting on themselves on the local
Financial Mystery and Hospital Confrontation
00:02:20
Speaker
whatever betting ah horse thing that they do. um So they all won like 40 something thousand dollars, which according to one of our listeners, they should have way more money. But you know what? Math is hard. And we'll just say Blake Dancer took all that extra money as well. So it should have been like, I guess, a million and some dollars. But Blake Dancer's got most of it.
00:02:39
Speaker
Um, I don't math so well. I'm more of an emotional mathematician. I mean, the way they delivered it, the way they also delivered it was by, uh, raining it down, literally making it rain. That's true. Uh, on the team. So like. That's very true. You know.
00:02:55
Speaker
I imagine some of the Saris also got some money, just because it was really on top of their bodies. Yeah, a lot of people got some money there, yeah. It was, yeah. You know they bet on us. You know that they knew that we were going to win, so they were like, yeah, we're going to bet on those guys. You know, socialism at its finest. Everybody shares, you know? Yeah. What was I talking about?
00:03:18
Speaker
That's right. And that's about it, really. Oh, and then at the very end of the episode, um our friend Jay Proto went to the hospital to get his concussion checked on and make sure he wasn't.
00:03:29
Speaker
you know, having any other issues. And then Maxine Rogue Steel crashes through the roof, brandishing a shotgun that I believe I said had six barrels on it. That's, you know, four in a grid and two sticking off the top of the grid um barrels on a shotgun, pointing them at Jay Proto. And he was all like, ah, dang, oh, dang, oh, man, dang. um That's it, right?
00:03:54
Speaker
that's right because he and but yeah yeah I apologize to everybody. It was awesome. Yeah, don't be sorry. It was awesome. Yeah, it was great. Are you still boom Howard at this point or do you think that your concussion went away before you went to the hospital? Did I get treated? I mean, you were in a hospital bed, so you probably had someone looking at you before Maxine broke in. So that's really up to you. You can decide if you're still stuck in loopy state or if you're back unfortunately and unfortunately i feel like i'm not i'm not quite out of the woods yet
00:04:28
Speaker
All right, so you're still like kind of like fading in and out of Jay Proto and Boomhauer, maybe I'll leave that up to you, however you want to assess that. That's your your your your call. um So, yeah, so, Jay, let's go to you because we actually didn't really discuss where everybody else is, but um and we're just going to go to you. You are in a hospital because I remember Justin saying his you their characters did not go to the hospital or aren't there with you right now.
00:04:52
Speaker
Um, so it's just you with Maxine Steele, uh, standing over you with a six barrel shotgun pointing at you. What do you do? Uh, Dan, I just say like dangle. Wow. That's a ah dangle. Huge gun, man. You you say heavy dangle. huge again Yeah. That's all I say. That's all I can get out. Right. She says, she says, yeah.
00:05:20
Speaker
Yeah, it's a pretty big gun, and I just want you to know there, Pipsqueak, that these bullets aren't for you. These shells, rather, aren't for you. is it did date can Can I hold it, man? Yeah, you can hold it. Actually, I was going to give it to you as a present.
00:05:40
Speaker
Okay. Yeah, and here's why. Because I see a lot of myself and you, young man.
00:05:52
Speaker
ah All right. Dangle shoots himself in the head of six times. He lets say puts a six pound shotgun in his mouth. He goes, you know, I got to have a taste for shotguns. Let me put my mouth on those things. I think probably weighs like 100 fucking pounds. Like, yeah. She's like, I just wanted you to know that you're too good for Jack fucking laser. You need to do better on who you idolize, kid. He's not a good man.
00:06:19
Speaker
Yeah, he's putting he didn't give it to you yet. She's still holding on to it. Oh, OK. But yeah, it's still loaded and she's pointing it at you and she's just talking at you at this point. All right, it's not my holding man. Yeah. Well, it's your hold. I'm going to give it to you. I just want you to know that I'm going to leave and that I just wanted you to know that this is a present from me that to show you that you can have cooler stuff than Jack laser. He's a piece of shit and you you could do better. You really watch your mouth, man.
00:06:48
Speaker
And then he snaps out of his, he snaps out of his concussion. You better watch your fucking mouth. Oh, hey. Well, that's all it took to get you motivated. Hey, you better watch your fucking mouth. Oh, sorry. It's just that whenever you anybody insults my hero, Jack Lazer, I just, guy I lose my mind. Oh, look, I understand, kid, but you haven't seen the shitty parts of Jack Lazer. He's not a good guy. Well, everybody's got their shitty parts. I mean, uh, you know, I,
00:07:20
Speaker
You know, sometimes i ah i'll I'll take the last piece of pizza at ah at ah an event, you know? like ah see so yeah Without saying anything to anybody, so like, you know, it' not everyone's perfect. You're right. Nobody's perfect, but you know who's far, farther from perfect than any other human? It's Jack laser. Jack laser. Okay. Yeah, I get it. I yeah i get that you hate him. Can I see that gone?
00:07:47
Speaker
Yes, I'm gonna leave it here. And I'm just gonna leave and just leave you to mull it over. But just know that the more like Jack Lazer you become, the shittier of a person you become. Oh, it's okay. I'll never be like Jack Lazer. He's way too cool. Yeah, right. Aspire to be less cool. Definitely cooler than you. You think Jack Lazer's cooler than me? Oh, yeah, definitely. Why? What does he have that I don't?
00:08:15
Speaker
You know, I'm not sure. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say the first thing that came to my mind. Um, but I'm gonna say... yeah Charisma. The Riz. You don't think I have Riz? Whoa, is that what Riz means? Is it from Charisma? Oh my god. Mind blown. Alright, I'm gonna meet myself again. ah You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Okay, alright. I never put two and two together. I'm so dead right now!
00:08:41
Speaker
ah
00:08:44
Speaker
Well, I have I've got done with this conversation. She'll just pass me that gun. OK, and she she chucks it over to you that like a jet pack like pops out of her bra and she just flies out the fucking roof seal. I'm taking a shot. I'm taking a shot. I'm taking a shot. I take a shot. Fuck yeah. i am Fuck her. All
Escape and New Mission Revealed
00:09:04
Speaker
right. Roll a kick some ass roll.
00:09:07
Speaker
Uh, with his young really funny, like if right now, Jack and Everett were coming in with like flowers and balloons and a teddy bear and just like see what's going on. And they got an eight. You got an eight. Oh, getter. Yeah. Uh, yeah. You shoot like, uh, do you shoot all six barrels at once?
00:09:29
Speaker
Yeah, until I hit her. I'm going to shoot one at one after the other until I hit her. You guys like fire a bunch off. So yeah, you just put like a couple of holes in the wall of initially, you know, like you're damn near killing like some nurses and some other patients that are in adjacent rooms where you just blow like giant fucking explosive holes to the wall.
00:09:47
Speaker
um And then, yeah, like as she goes to as she goes to jet pack away, one of the explosive shots just fucking like like smacks into her and just sends her flying like through like a big asshole in the wall and just careening down off the I don't know what floor you're on, but you're probably several stories up. um Yeah. And she just goes careening down ah off the ledge. And you hear a loud and a bunch of car alarms going off down below. All right.
00:10:15
Speaker
When you hear, does somebody call a doctor? Is there a doctor Well, did I throw the shotgun out the window? It wasn't me. out the window now You don't keep your six-year-old's Maxine steel shotgun. It's too damn heavy. That thing would be so damn heavy.
00:10:35
Speaker
That's surprisingly light, though, for you. Oh, is it? It's like Thor's hammer. Like it feels perfect in your hands. Oh, interesting. Well, I'm going to keep it then and I'll I'll I want to get a hold of Jack. OK, you see on the side of the engravement called engraved on it, it says the hole maker. This is certainly what it did. Yeah. So you're going to call Jack? Yeah. All right. All right. Calling Jack laser.
00:11:03
Speaker
yeah ah
00:11:06
Speaker
Jack! Jack! Yeah, what's up? Dang old Maxine showed up just now and ah I shot her. who Maxine Steel, right? I'm not doing my voice. I fucked up just like you. Sorry, Maxine Steel. Oh, oh, Rope. I didn't fuck up. You shot her? Damn, kid. Yeah, I shot her. She gave me a gun and I killed her. What? I don't know if I killed her, but... Damn, you're cold, Jay. She came to your house? That's crazy. Oh, I'm in the hospital. Why are you in the hospital? I got a concussion. When?
00:11:44
Speaker
What are you talking about? When I started talking like Boomhauer from, i lee yeah, King of the Hill. I don't that. Yeah, yeah all on my all on the on my spending account. Yeah. What? What are you talking about, Jay? I and just say, oh my God, can you come down to the hospital? like i mean the ah Yeah, the hospital. All right, I'll be there. his Yeah, the hospital. The only fucking hospital in town. Alec out the window. Is there a fire?
00:12:13
Speaker
Is there a fire out the window? is it like Yeah, like i and identify like an easily identifiable crash site. Do you mean like from you knocking her out of the went out of the off the roof? Yeah. Like when you look out the window, you see like there's a lot of cop cars and ambulances out there. um And you see just like a ton of blood.
00:12:35
Speaker
Oh, that's good. Yeah, it looks like there's a lot of like police down there. I mean, you go into jail for a long time. And fucking you. No way. That's fine. These bankers are pissing me off anyway. They're trying to be like, where'd you get all this money from? Why do you have all this money in cash? I'm just going to put it in a freaking pillowcase in my bed. Fuck you guys. Yeah, it's just. Yeah, I agree.
00:12:59
Speaker
going to have to file this on your taxes. I'm not. No, I'm out of here. I'm done. I'm not even putting this in my um I'm closing my account to just close my account. Bye. You don't have an account here, sir. That's right. You're damn right. You lost a customer today. I learned that from my friend. Good friend, Jay Proto, who's in a hospital, by the way. i I'll be there soon. All Oh, yeah, I saw the I saw the explosion over there across the street where the hospital is. Oh, that was. I guess i yeah I can see it from here. Good work. oh I'll be there soon. Bye.
00:13:28
Speaker
Bye, ladies. Bye. ah Are you sure that you don't want to open up a flexible spending account or perhaps get an IRA? No, there's too many hoops. Too many hoops? No, it it's easy. No, I'm already walking out the door. Stop talking to me. Also, we ran your credit. You only have 50 score. what Okay, so you walk out. Where's Everett at?
00:13:54
Speaker
She's walking into ah Jay Proto's hospital room with flowers and balloons. And the we san was going down yeah you see you see Jay Proto standing in a hospital gown with his ass showing like as he's peering over the window.
00:14:11
Speaker
ah yeah Fearing at the wreckage below that he kind of caused. She like stops dead, her cheeks go bright red, and then she does a cat call.
00:14:27
Speaker
ah ah Hey, how you feeling there, Jay Brodo? Well, I'm feeling great now. I just shot Maxine Steele to fuck out the sky or whatever. and There she is down there. Come here, look. Did she kill her? She walks over. I think so. Oh. There's a lot of blood. There's so much blood everywhere. You painted the, like, the packing lot with her. It looks really good. Looks really good. You did a good job. Thank you. Yeah, maybe I should. Should I double tap, maybe? Or, like, yeah.
00:15:05
Speaker
No, I definitely think that you got her this time. Yeah, definitely. She's definitely one. Oh, we didn't see her die. So. Oh, oh, thank you. Wow. I really appreciate it. I mean, I feel like Jimmy Chang doesn't give you enough credit. And so I figured this might make you feel special, especially since you're in the hospital. Now, he actually gives me a lot of credit and he's very supportive and nice to me. Oh, is he? I didn't see that from him the last time that you guys were engaged together. How did you know we're engaged? You know, like in conversation. Oh, yeah, OK. No, he's actually. Yeah, he just doesn't like to show that, you know, whatever. He's not even here. I'm going to get dressed. OK, I'll wait and I'll meet you downstairs there. This is just downstairs.
00:16:04
Speaker
Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure you might need a bodyguard. No, I have this and he holds up the fucking six-year-old shotgun. OK, well, I'm just going to stand outside the door instead because
Strategizing and Arizona Mission
00:16:17
Speaker
there's a window. There's a window. So then you all you all get a call while Jack Lazer is on his way over to the hospital from Blake Dancer on your Discord server.
00:16:36
Speaker
to me. All three of you. Okay. Check out the chat. I ignore it or Jane or is it just ignores it ever. Do you get it? Yeah, she gets in and goes, yo. Hey, we kill her. We kill the Daniels or whatever. Blake, we beat him. All right. That's cool. Right on. Right on. Yeah. So yeah, all the money got in my account. So right. And I saw that they for some fucking reason dropped a bunch of cash right on the ice. That's that's weird. Mm hmm.
00:17:04
Speaker
um But y'all made it out pretty well, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And for me, brother. Yeah. You know, y'all should go in like a pretty good shopping spree before I send you on the next job, by the way. All right.
00:17:17
Speaker
Yeah, like you got a lot of money and you got to spend it because I keep having to raise money to say, oh, we don't got enough money and the affordable is a broke. So like, you know, you have to spend that money that way. If they check, you don't just have a bunch of money floating around. I'm going to tell you, I need to put mine in the bank. Got in a sack right here. Oh, I don't trust banks at all. No, not even a second. I mean, that's my experience I had with what was that bank code? Last chance chip banking. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah. Last chance banking. Fuck them. Yeah.
00:17:47
Speaker
Anyways, you guys seen Jay or? You invested mine. You invested in what? Well, there was like this one place that was like, hey, come in and put your money in and you'll make lots of monies from this like, like virtual coin stuff. And I was like, why not? You know, I figured it was a good investment. They said that I would like quadruple a duple, super duper my money.
00:18:14
Speaker
Well, I don't know a lot about computers and and stuff, ah but you put your real money into a fake money. Not, I mean, not really. The way that he said it, it was like, you know, like, uh, uh, you know, some sort of like stock, but it was like, they called it like a coin bits or something like that. i You fucking invested in shit coin. Yeah. Well, tell me how that goes.
00:18:43
Speaker
Jay uh, Jay joins the call at that moment. Okay. Oh, hey, guys. I heard someone talking shit about crypto, but um I'm heavily invested in it. So I have to, you know, remain positive and it's going to solve all problems in the future. So. Oh, no, you're investing. Fuck. Shit. Hey, Jay. Speaking of selling problems, I turned my phone around. I don't like turn the camera around. So I was looking through the front. I turned the whole phone around. So it's like the the screen is looking at like the outside world instead of me. i should Like all the wreckage and like the cops car shit. You did a number out here, Jay. Good job. God damn.
00:19:17
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Did, uh, do you see her body though? Is she like, I'm going to go check her pulse. I'm going to, I'm going to hang up. They probably won't want me on the phone while I'm trying to sneak into it. I'll be back. Okay.
00:19:33
Speaker
Right. So, okay. but Wait. So what happened that he has to go and investigate a body? I was about to tell you about a new job that I got for you. What, what's he shot somebody? I just shot somebody. It's no big deal. Was it on purpose? Yeah.
00:19:48
Speaker
I mean, okay. Wait, are you in a hospital? Yeah, I took a puck to the head. It's a big deal. Oh, fuck. Are you all right? do you know We don't have medical insurance. I know, but I just, like, I looted $30,000 off the ground. So, like, it should be okay, you would think. I don't know. I see i see the setup for a joke coming, at least.
00:20:12
Speaker
What kind of joke? That $30,000 only covers about a third of your a third of your insurance bills? Duh! There it is! so You still got a ways to go there, Mike. Anyways, do you want me to just tell you the job? Yeah, what's up? Do you want me to tell you the job or should I wait for a Jack fucking laser to come back? We should wait for Jack laser to come back so we don't have to repeat ourselves. Ah, Christ.
00:20:37
Speaker
All right, hang on. Let's just change gears. All right. let Narrator, what's Jack doing? All right. Let's go check on Jack. Um, so Jack laser is Jack laser is down. I work for Blake too. Sorry, guys. I need money. Um, so we got this Jack laser down at the parking lot. Jack, what are you doing?
00:20:58
Speaker
I'm walking across the parking lot. Do I roll for a unit car, please? Oh, fuck, where do I roll? Cool? Yeah, I'm real cool to make sure you look cool. Definitely cool. Yeah. cool Yeah, it's very important that like you have the right swagger success. All right. It's not too bad. You look cooler than most people walking over there. But what's your game plan here? What are you trying to get past the yellow tape? um I guess not. I don't really. I just walk up to it and and just see if I can see from where I where I am. All right. You see, see, you see a police officer puts his hand up and he goes, he says, all right, you're good where you're at here. There's still an active investigation. So would you step back here a little bit there, guy?
00:21:38
Speaker
ah I'm ready to line, buddy. Calm down. Right. But, you know, like, you know, you touch the line, you lean over the line. Like, where's the line with the line? You know what I'm saying? So like, just like remain a respectful decision to win. Blue lines easily cross. I understand. Right. Exactly. What happened here? I'm like, I'm craning my neck like around this transit. Do you want to try to like do like an investigative mystery, like trying to like look around them? Yeah, you can if you want. Like I haven't mixed. All right. What question you want to ask?
00:22:09
Speaker
Fuck. I think I get this far. um Where did it go? Where did it go? i e The physical form of Maxine Steele. You're like looking around and you just kind of hear him kind of talking like a Charlie Brown teacher, like trying to talk to you like, well, you know, you can't believe it.
00:22:29
Speaker
Yeah. Um, and then, yeah, so as you're kind of like trying to, you know, look around him, you see that there are several bodies laying on the ground. Um, like, and there's like just chunks of people, like what's left of them. There's like one body that's like mostly intact, but there's probably about three or four that you can kind of guess it's just chunked. There's just chunks of people. Did you say, did you say five bodies?
00:22:55
Speaker
No, I was just telling you about how like it's my wife's birthday, and I'm looking forward to getting off early to go and get her some cake. Is she a Yeah, she's a dick. She's a dick five. Okay. You've been to Dick Michigan. Yeah. ah It's a great place, huh? Yeah, that's pretty good. That's where I'm from. Oh, nice. guy I always was just there not too long ago.
00:23:16
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty nice i got some friends anyway. Anyway, yes, i but I'm seeing da there's a a lot of bodies here. I heard I was I heard that ah one woman came careening out of the window or something from upstairs, but five people dead on this card is what happened. I've well, if I'm being honest, it just looks like a couple who just got blown the fuck up down here. There's like, I mean, there's there's one body that's like in a little crater back there. It's kind of hard to see because, you know, like they're in a hole.
00:23:43
Speaker
Ah, let me ask you um let me ask you something. um any of these Any of the bodies you've seen, sir, in your your professional police investigative opinion, um beyond the normal ho-hum like office hotel hospital worker, like you know beyond the normal hot nurse or something, like was there any really big bucks? Actually, have you seen um the the work of Maxine Steele with three X's I think she always buy under on online. Oh, man. Me and my wife love that's that. We love when we're like trying to get in the mood to watch the Maxine Steele with three X's. Yeah. Yeah. um You didn't see like anyone looked like her in there, did you?
00:24:18
Speaker
Oh God, if I saw Maxine Steele's corpse, I would still ask for an autograph. So I can tell you for certain, i there's no Maxine Steele in that hole. I thought you were going to say you you would still pop a chub, but ah that's that's... I mean, absolutely. My wife would pop one too. You never signed it, right? What? What? Hey man, guess what though? I gotta tell you something. I banged her. Not on camera too, like just for fun.
00:24:42
Speaker
You mean you had off-camera intimate relations with Maxine Rope Steel? Yeah, and it was before she started doing that stuff, so it was even better cooler, you know, right? You know what? You know what? that's ill You're just making shit up. OK, like everybody banged Maxine. OK, sure. Well, everybody it does now. Everybody did back then, too, I guess. Yeah, sure. You're right. Yeah, OK, whatever. Yeah, just you're just another one of those fanboys that just like can't tell reality from fiction. OK. OK. Like, calm down, mister.
00:25:11
Speaker
um Did you see also she sells and just like, I mean, you can kind of fuck her now. Do you see that she sells like a fully animatomically correct form of her, you know, you know what down there? Obviously, yes, my wife and I have it. That's amazing. cause this been i was you know I've been i kind of been undercover, like hiding away for like 10 years. This world is, this internet is just amazing what you can get and do. My God. Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. So you didn't see a hot ass porn star in that pile of bodies.
00:25:42
Speaker
First of all, they're artistic movies. They're not porn. And second of all, no, if I've seen Maxine Steele, I'd be on the phone with my wife already FaceTime in order to show her. Okay. and I mean, I've watched this. Why would she be here? She's probably busy. You're you're right. You're right. Well, I said, you know, it looks like I saw someone. I thought I saw someone look like her. So, you know, I was excited. yeah We got to go talk to someone up on the fifth floor because they said they heard gunshots going on up there. Oh, um I heard it was a sixth floor actually.
00:26:10
Speaker
and I'm going to ro manipulate manipulate some money. He goes, here mean, you must have heard wrong because I can get fifth and six kind of sound the same on on on the radio. But we're pretty sure it was the fifth floor, sir. I'm Jack laser. I run away. You say I'm Jack laser. Yeah. OK, and so like.
00:26:35
Speaker
um Uh, with the chat, uh, with Blake Lance dancer, are you guys just like sitting there awkwardly? Is there
Grand Canyon Adventure Begins
00:26:42
Speaker
something else you guys want to talk about before Jack laser? I'm going to kick on as I'm running through this. through like but Right. And then that is how, uh, I ended up realizing that like I was vegan. That's very interesting.
00:27:00
Speaker
Wow, that was really, uh, that was really fucking boring. Uh, it's like, I'm sorry.
00:27:09
Speaker
You know, I might become vegan now too. Now that, oh wait, I already, um, I mean, those beyond burgers, those impossible burgers. Fuck me. And I had a one the other day that was like made from fake kangaroo. It was delicious.
00:27:26
Speaker
They make that? Absolutely. They call it kangaroos, like R-U-Z-E, like it's all like fake. It's like a ruse. At least I think that's how you spell it. I can't remember.
00:27:41
Speaker
I see I see it's like all like what's in your mind do you know like if you think that it's actual meat maybe it might be you know what your brain thinks it is on your tongue I'm getting it I'm getting it like so sometimes I like to make what's called a no burger where I just eat like a bun with nothing in the middle You do that? You know what I do instead? I put the bun with like some mayonnaise, some cheese, lettuce and tomato, and it's amazing. Right. OK. Cool. So while that conversation is going on, Jack Lazer shows up at the door that you're standing in front of while Jay Proto's, I guess, finishing getting changed and then on the call as well. What are you talking about, mayonnaise or something? What?
00:28:32
Speaker
Right? Is that Jack? Oh, it is. Yeah, Blake, we got to call you back. We got a situation going on here. I got a job. Let's call me back in like five because I got a good one for you. All right. Yeah. We can probably get out of the way from the police in five minutes. That's fine. I just saw him. I just saw a proto-junk.
00:28:52
Speaker
this I saw his behind Den earlier. It was wonderful. Damn. I bet it's like small and cute, huh? It's very cute. I knock on the door. yeah Guys, I'm right here. I'm already outside. Wait, I'm in a room across the hall. I'm like, wait a second. this yeah You weren't looking at my junk. Sorry. We're at the wrong room.
00:29:19
Speaker
yes Hey, congratulations in there. Can you see someone doing helicopters? Jay, we got to get you he the hell out of here. Cops? Yeah. Oh, shit I can't go to jail. I can't go to jail. I know. I just heard how cute your ass is. You'll be toast in there, buddy. Oh, fuck. All right. ah he Let's just let's go out. All right. Come on. I got to pay too. I got to pay. No, you don't. Here's the great thing.
00:29:51
Speaker
cry
00:29:54
Speaker
We're gonna go to the service elevator this way I've already did a little peek around let's go all right all right come on yeah let's go all right roll out roll a read about situation to make sure you know exactly where you're going Jack laser damn sometimes you let's just say we know we know things and we can know them but okay 11 I know it I knew I knew I know it I knew it I know it you can ask questions from that list if you like is fuck me what's the best what's the best way out What's your best way out? Oh, there's a service elevator right where you thought it was. Fucking. Yeah, I knew it. I watched it. I watched it. There's a janitor I saw go in here. He's got their yon e tour. So you take the service elevator, you guys jump in there. um You see the janitor standing in there with his little cart full of trash bags. He's like, hey, thank you for your service. Thank you very much. I appreciate your service as well. Jack Lazar. Thank you. Yeah.
00:30:44
Speaker
And of course, Everett, a big fan, saw you at the hockey game. Very cool. Uh, good job. She does like the thing where she hair flips over her shoulder and does like a little shoulder wiggle. Yeah, I know. I'm pretty awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, Jay, was it Jay? Uh, Jay proto, right? Yeah. You were just, I'm not Jay proto. I'm not Jay proto. I was also, yeah, sir. I'm sorry to say, uh, what's, uh, what does his name tag say?
00:31:10
Speaker
It doesn't. Dickies, is it? Okay. Dickies, you never saw us here today, okay? At least in this elevator. Cool, are you guys doing a crime? Yeah, we're yeah we're getting out of here. No. Jay just killed somebody. No, I didn't. Why would you say that? i No, you didn't, Jay. She's alive. She's up down there. And I'm not Jay. I didn't do it. Jay, what am I supposed to say? Dickies is cool, man. Dickies is cool. We can trust him. And it was self-defense, and it was self-defense. I just realized why you're calling him Dickies because of the the branding on his shirt.
00:31:42
Speaker
ah ah you adam Took me a second. I was like, wait, why does he say Dickies? It took me seven months to find out why Riz was Riz. as one of tell um Anyway, have you guys heard about this Riz? You guys probably have enough Riz to get you out of the situation. Yeah, if we do. We do. We definitely between us. But yeah, she's not down there, Jay. I talked to the cop. He said, there's no porn star's body down there. It's no adult film entertainment star's body down there.
00:32:06
Speaker
Yeah, but it you said there are like five other people. All right, let's just go. Come on. Come on. so but You can't discuss this here. fine Yeah, I i see you, Diggies. Let's say, hey, and just so you guys know, um if you take the next service elevator, that's not this one, but like about a floor down, it'll take you down to the parking garage um and that'll get you, you know, go out kind of like a tunnel out of the out of the building.
00:32:30
Speaker
Fuck yeah. You're the man, Dickie. I do like a, I guess I do. I do the Arnold Schwarzenegger and that other guy. And then you son of a bitch. Yeah. he's he's As he embraces that, he says, he says, just know that if you see like a big green van filled with pudding cups to the brim of the windows, you didn't see that either. Do you keep your heart locked? I want a pudding cup. No, I don't keep it locked because I'm a very trusting person. All right. I'm taking a pudding cup. All right.
00:32:56
Speaker
Yeah, I just don't like, you know, just, you know, there's the ones that have like that kind of little butterscotch ribbon in the middle. Just don't take those. Those are my favorite. It's my least favorite. So it's perfect. Excellent. Well, we should hang out sometime, Jack. and i What's your phone number, Diggy? It's ah four. ah Okay. um I'm a bit of my phone. I'll probably forget. Okay. Cool. All right. Well, I'll be around. All right. Later. I i's see how we run.
00:33:22
Speaker
You guys can't let me and Justin go for too long. I just won't quit. which I don't care. Luckily, luckily, Justin knows how to call it off because I'll just keep going. It's just like with me and Ray, as long as Giselle's not here, there's no one to stop her. Yeah, sometimes you just need a foil. Anyway, so you guys leave. ah Jay Prado, what are you doing? What's your action that you want to take? What are you doing as you run towards the next service elevator to the parking garage? I get in this, get in the service all year. Whoa. Roll for getting in.
00:33:56
Speaker
Do that. Act under under pressure. Push cool. Oh, I rolled a charm. I got a failure. Why did you roll a charm? I expect to make sense if I got to raise the elevator, you know. Oh, you got to go. Come on, come on, come on. Open, open, open, open, open. But it doesn't. oh Yeah, it doesn't work. Yeah. What are you doing? first button Press button. You press the button. You press the button. It opens and you see that there's a couple of police officers there ah in the in that particular service elevator and they're on their phones at the moment. um They're like, are you guys going up? You guys going up?
00:34:27
Speaker
Now we're going down. So you guys. Oh, listen, we're we're getting we're going up. So you're going to go up before you go down. We'll wait for it to come back. Thank you. Are you sure? Yes. Thanks for your service. Yeah. I mean, hey, do you guys want to come and do a job shadow? We have to go up to the fifth floor because we heard there's like a criminal out there. Oh, no, that scares the crap out of me. Criminals are scary. And the one that looks up from his phone, he goes, wait a fucking second. Are you Jack laser? Yeah.
00:34:53
Speaker
fuck Oh, fuck, dude. Rob, this guy who was telling you about that. Fuck that porn star. ah Now you believe me. Now, another you now that you can say you met Jack laser, he's like a porn star. Jay reaches inside the elevator and presses the closed order button. There's no way I got it. I got and a good ching and it shuts. And he goes, ah, fuck man. those ja That Jack laser as the elevator continues to go up. um So the elevator is not going to be in use for a couple of minutes. What do you do? Tap foot.
00:35:22
Speaker
I'm chill. Just going to chill. Chill. everyone Everyone's going to look around for the stairs. All right. ah Roll. ah Act under pressure or not under pressure. ah Read about situation. That'd be plush shop. Did you just hear the general sounds, the hustle and bustle of the of the hospital, the beep, the boops. You get one question you may ask from that to to foot it out of here. What do you want to know?
00:35:53
Speaker
Could it be? What's my best way out? What's your best way out? Oh, you see the stairs. It's there over on the other side of the room behind the behind the nurse's station where they're they're kind of it's kind of they're having tea. It's tea hour at the nurse's station. This way, guys. Yeah. Oh, hey. Yeah. Let's go this way.
00:36:14
Speaker
Here somebody says you stop running this girl. You cannot be running in this hospital. There's shit going on here. You're going to run into somebody's gurney. You're going to be running into somebody's ah hurt body. You're going to knock over a doctor or a nurse. What are you doing? She flips her off over her shoulder and runs out the emergency exit.
00:36:31
Speaker
Oh, no, she didn't. And then you see this woman jumps over the fucking counter and like just rips off her shirt and she has like a leotard on like a wrestling leotard. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, please come down. it she just just frightened There's an active shooter in the building. We're trying to get out here. We're scared. Yeah, I don't know who the actual shooter is, but it's not me and I'm one of the good guys. Good one, Jake.
00:36:54
Speaker
um manipulate someone ja
00:36:59
Speaker
That's it. eight The only way that she'll believe you is if you do something that shows that you mean it. What do you do to prove to her? Because she goes, yeah, really, that's a kind of a weird thing for someone to say. So prove it. But she's one of the good guys. Especially someone with a sick, borrowed shotgun hanging off their back right now.
00:37:16
Speaker
ah What a good guy or what a bad guy. You slowly walk through the hospital towards the exit. Hmm. I suppose he wouldn't. All right, fine. You're all right by me. Safe travels. Just walk slowly in the hallways, please. Yeah. Then she pulls out a remote control. She presses a rewind button and her clothes just rewind back up onto her body in perfect ah position. And then she reverse jumps over the nurse's desk and goes back to work. Mm. Damn. That was weirdly hot, Jay. What? Her rewinding the clothes back onto herself. My God.
00:37:54
Speaker
Sir, you don't have, uh, with all due respects, like, we don't really have time to get into your new fetishes. Won't you say his might have awakened something to me? We got, we got time to hug. We were walking slowly across the hall here. I mean, we had time to talk. Yeah, you got time to have it on. Uh, he's calling Blake back. Uh, I speedwalk now. Oi, what's up? All right. Tell us about the job.
00:38:23
Speaker
Right, you guys good now? You still in the hospital? Fuck, what are you doing there? Why are you taking the stairs? We're fine. Alright, I mean, it's good good for cardio. Anyways, look, I got a job for you in the in Arizona at the Grand Canyon. Doesn't that sound nice? Sounds, uh... Yeah, it sounds great. What's the job? Well, listen to this.
00:38:46
Speaker
Deep down in the Grand Canyon at the base, there's a big ol' fuckin' sleepin' dragon, right? And he's like enshrouded in like this illusory magic so people don't know he's down there. Isn't that interesting? That's pretty cool, huh? Right? I mean, we all know about Frank.
00:39:03
Speaker
All right, so everybody knows about Frank. I thought it was a secret. He's a national icon. I thought that, you know, everyone was aware of that. Right. Well, how about this? There's this powerful mage called the Coast Wizard who stole King Arthur's sword from England and he hid it inside of the caves and caverns within Frank, the Sleeping Dragon.
00:39:24
Speaker
And I need you guys to go and retrieve the King Arthur sword and give it back to England. That'll really make the stock go up and the affordability that'll make raising more money for us way fucking easier. So you just got to go stop the coast wizard before he keeps gathering too much magic. Are you making all this up? No, it's true, Mike. Just look on. Just here's a web link. He drops it in the server. It's the latest story that the King Arthur sword's gone missing. Oh, okay. All right. All right.
00:39:52
Speaker
and he And he went to the Grand Canyon to siphon magic from Frank the dragon with King Arthur's famous sword. All right. Inside the dragon, there's a bunch of caverns because he's a magical little guy. And you have to get inside the dragon, infiltrate the caverns, find the coast wizard, fuck him up, take the sword and get out. You guys get all that? I'm already running on the stairs.
00:40:21
Speaker
Am I the only guy on the call ah yeah yeah' he's the one on the call? That's the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard. You guys didn't hear it? Yeah, yeah it's like he's maybe. Because everyone has ran down the whole like staircase and gee she doesn't have any service at the current moment. I was going to say, it's very shocking that you do. He must have got on that Wi-Fi when you're in your hospital bed. Yeah.
00:40:47
Speaker
So yeah, so you guys gonna take the job then just get out to Arizona go take care of a giant dragon coast wizard sort of Arthur things like that Yeah, I mean probably it sounds awesome. So we're gonna probably do that. Yeah aye Cool. Well, make sure you go. really get know Yeah. Yeah, but we're gonna go get out of the hospital first and yeah, I'll talk to them about it All right, cool. I mean you guys aren't being chased or anything, right? There's no more villains there Apparently you're shooting people at the hospital
00:41:16
Speaker
Jaychek's behind him. Well, I don't think we're being followed. Right. OK, cool. Well, I was going to say, if you need to me to call my friend Lester to call off the cops, you just let me know. Well, that's a that's a great reference. And he hangs up.
00:41:35
Speaker
He calls up Lester. He goes, yeah, they didn't want your service, mate. Sorry. Fuck next time. um And he hangs up. ah So what do you guys do?
Inside the Dragon: Illusions and Technology
00:41:47
Speaker
Uh, as I say, I wait for Jay to come down and he sees me eating, putting out of a little pudding cup with my fingers. Can I have a spoon? yeah yeah ever ah Hey guys. we yeah cut her car Oh, sweet. You got your car here. Okay. Uh, so Blake, uh, I talked to Blake just now and, uh, yeah, he wants us to go to the grand Canyon.
00:42:12
Speaker
Why? The Grand Canyon? You know Frank the Dragon, right? No. No. Oh, he's like an invisible dragon or some shit in the Grand Canyon. Anyways, we're supposed to go inside of him.
00:42:27
Speaker
And, uh, get some wizard, uh, who stole King Arthur's sword or something. We're just supposed to retrieve the sword. Uh, yeah. and Do you guys want to do that? That sounds kind of, it sounds weird, but like, it sounds like a good time. a perable mid Dragon's a life. Yeah. Yeah. Could be, it wouldn't be a national monument icon if he was dead.
00:42:51
Speaker
I mean, but like, so how do we are supposed to get into the dragon to get the wizard? That sounds like very, like dangerous. I'm not cutting open a dragon. That is not no something that I know. we never we kind of open I mean, I don't think we go in like, you know, that way either. You know what I mean? So yeah, definitely not through the back door. I think it's just some like magic shit. We'll just talk to Frank when we get there. He'll probably help us. Yeah.
00:43:18
Speaker
He's been contaminated by the wizards powers. You think he's nice? I bet he is. But you guys think you'll notice if I get another pudding cup? I'm going to have one. Is there a cow anywhere on the, does it keep a, does it keep a cow? No, this thing's literally like, I don't know. He might, but this thing's literally like full to the broom with just pudding cups. Well, give me one too. I'm pretty hungry. Now here you go. You want a tapioca?
00:43:44
Speaker
Yeah. I want tapioca. I knew it. He's like stealing from the pudding truck that delivers to the hospital. No, it's big. He's, he said he had, he has. Yeah. well Well, the janitor stole a bunch of pudding cups and put it in his van. And then he told Jack that he could have one. This is a scrubs reference by the way. Yeah. It's a scrub reference, by the way,
00:44:05
Speaker
so just made it up on your own. Wow. Um, but okay. So are notice yeah do you allow, do you allow people to eat in your car there? Uh, what's your face? Everett Everett. Um, I mean, it's fine. Just don't make a mess. OK, because like I'm very clean inside my car. OK. All right. I get like smudgy fingerprints all over the windows. I get into the company. Excellent.
00:44:28
Speaker
excellent Excellent. um Yeah. So you guys hop in and you guys use you guys are going to drive to the Grand Canyon. yeah Yes. and Where where are we? I don't remember where I said. forgot you got Oh, you guys were lost Angeles.
00:44:44
Speaker
Yeah, if we can drive, yeah. I call the goblin dogs. I tell them to take, I feel like, well, how do we, how do we get here in the first place? I forget. I think we just, I think we just did. Oh no. Yeah. No, we remember we, uh, had to jump out of a plane because we had to parachute down.
00:45:04
Speaker
Right. When we came in. I remember that. I remember that. Yeah. Retroactive. Yeah. Everett, you find that your your ride, your whip has been outfitted with like a bunch of ah rockets from the goblins. They have like a bunch of like sick rockets on them and like ah like a hovering mechanism in it. So you're kind of cheating, cheating, bang, bang in it if you want. What's a whip? Your whip is your car. Wow. That woke.
00:45:32
Speaker
okay yeah but that's that's like you We're teaching everybody something today. I don't know the damn lingo of these kids today. I am still living in the 90s, you guys. I can never play UK San Andreas. Yeah, whip is not new. Whip is old. Yeah, so you pull up in your whip. Have you ever heard that? Like, I smell whip. You're right. I've never heard that before in my life. That is a while. That is a while. If you want to go and take a whip with me, you ever hear that song? Yeah.
00:45:57
Speaker
No, I always wondered what the whip in the name a song meant. Now I get it different. That's something else. That's not the same. Is that different? No, God damn it. Really? Oh, we got to stop this. We got to stop this reason. Whips. It's too much. Yeah, we drive there. We drive to the Graham Canyon. You drive to the Grand Canyon with your rocket powered and flying car. And we're 46 minutes into the episode. So the radio and the radio plays up next. It's this. This one is called Whip by Riz Khalifa.
00:46:27
Speaker
um but Um, so Jay shoots himself with all six. Hey, where'd you get that awesome gun? Uh, just gave it to me is off of the cliff into the fridge. It was loaded. So I shot her with it. That was dumb of her.
00:46:57
Speaker
i i guess I guess she somehow managed it to escape it and you killed and or horribly maimed like five or six people in the process. Well, you know, can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs, you know? I mean, hey, shit happens. You can't avoid it sometimes. Oh, hey, is that the Grand Canyon? Oh, it is. Yeah.
00:47:21
Speaker
So you guys find it. You guys go down there in the in your flying car. You drive off the cliff into the Grand Canyon. Um, you land safely below, um, and your car dissipates the illusory magic down there and you see a big wow red and yellow dragon, like just this massive beast, uh, snoring huge. Uh, every time he opens his mouth, it's like a fucking vortex. It's like as big as a house. Um, and he just snoozing down there. Well, you know, they say that sleeping dragons lie. Let's go crawling there and not making me any anything wiser.
00:47:58
Speaker
Hmm? No, I'm pretty sure Frank's chill. Either way, you know, he's chill. You're one of the flowers from the bouquet that I gave you. Me, me, me, me, me, me, mi me, me. We didn't bring those. I'm sorry to say ever. No, I am right here.
00:48:18
Speaker
Oh, you can't know how to shit there, Jay. Yeah, I mean, I like I just got this bag of holding for this hiking bag. Yeah, it's military grade bag. Give me one, just one of the flowers. I don't care which one, like, just give me one of them. OK, he hands her all the she takes one flower out. What kind of flower is it? Is it an icky?
00:48:48
Speaker
It's a Riz Khalifa. Oh, it's a Riz Khalifa flower. That's good. Excellent. All right. So he gives you one Riz Khalifa. He goes up to the dragon with the flower and holds it up. Uh, here, Mr. Dragon. Can I read a bad situation with this flower? Right there. Hmm. Hello, little lady. I have a flower for you. You can roll if you want to. yeah What did you want to roll?
00:49:19
Speaker
Uh, read a bad situation. Uh, go for it. Cool. Is that a Riz Khalifa? Uh-huh. A 12. I got a 12. You rolled a 12, young lady. It's not a bad situation. yeah Did you want to ask a particular question for read a bad situation? Um, how, I mean, how do I, I guess, get the wizard out of the dragon?
00:49:48
Speaker
You mean what's my best way in? Yeah, what's my best way in? Well, little lady with the rainbow hair, you just climb on into my little mouth. Oh, you're enough you go.
00:50:07
Speaker
Are there any dangers we haven't noticed? Oh, let me tell you, I'm having a bit of a belly ache on account of a very, a very naughty mage just climbed up in there and started of poking around my internal organs.
00:50:29
Speaker
OK, then. um So, like, if we were to get him out of there, would we be best friends? Oh, it would be, you know, that story about how the mouse takes the thorn from the lion's paw. It would be a lot like that. Okay, let me in. I need to come in right now. In you go then. All you have to do is just keep walking until you see the signs. I installed signs in there.
00:51:07
Speaker
I you, I told you this guy is cool. Oh, yeah. He called me old Frank, the red dragon.
00:51:17
Speaker
On account of my name's Frank and I'm a red dragon. You say like yellow and orange or some shit? He's red with like yellow stripes. Oh, okay. I thought that was another joke. He takes off running in.
00:51:31
Speaker
OK, here you go. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Just kidding. I'm not eating your guys. OK, you guys coming in. I love your because your glasses, by the way. Thanks, I got to pair. In case I wish I could find a pair big enough for my big red dragon head. Hmm.
00:51:56
Speaker
Maybe ah we'll make that bastard wizard cast a spell and make some giant glasses before we kill him. Oh yeah! Whip up something good. yeah Something neat that fits the frame of my dome. We'll see if we can pull it off, but we might just have to kill him mercilessly and immediately upon seeing him. you know Oh, we're not friends, so murder away, mister. Cool.
00:52:18
Speaker
All right, over the lips, through the gums, watch out. Frank, here I come. Okay, in you go. Just look for the signs. Um, num, no num, num, num. Uh, Frank, uh, so if I shoot this in there, like I'm going to be biased it away at some motherfuckers, uh, this, you're going to be good, right?
00:52:38
Speaker
Oh, yeah, for sure. I only have a bit of a bellyache on account of the guys sucking all my magic in there. What a piece of shit. All right. Yeah, I want to turn him into a piece of shit.
00:52:53
Speaker
that Well, all right. I'll make sure he's all mangled up nice and good for you with this bad boy right here. Oh, that's fancy. You want me to enchant that thing? Yeah, with what? Like fire damage or what? I can make that shit be fire shells. I mean, I already have incendiary rounds, but yeah, sure. How about lightning rounds? I don't have that. Okay, Mr. Get Ready. Just hop on in there and I'll give you a little lick and off you go. Hell yeah. This is why our fucking national icon. Yeah, I'm just, I'm waiting for the day that I get put on the dollar bill instead of an eagle. Yeah.
00:53:32
Speaker
Everyone who knows what's up knows who should be on there. Right. And he jumps in there. fell on the nom nom numbermb And as you jump in, you see like his little forked tongue, like kind of just licks the edge of your of your your tips, all six of your tips of your gun. And you see just like a lightning like ah emblem, like a room forms on each barrel that you can activate to shoot lightning rounds out of it. Fuck yeah. Yeah.
00:53:58
Speaker
it And then you see a sideways eight form on it. um That indicates that you have infinite rounds and that thing. Oh, no way, man.
00:54:11
Speaker
All right, let's go kick some ass. Yeah. So you guys go in, you walk until you see the signs and there's a sign that says to the liver this way to the lungs this way to the heart this way to the evil wizard that way.
00:54:27
Speaker
ah Probably go to the heart rate, guys. Do I i hold hold the stomach? Do my holds from earlier are still counting for my rebound situation? i had i got I got three of them total, so I not only use one. Let me see here. what's what's ah What's my best way in by meaning of finding the wizard?
00:54:53
Speaker
You see that there are quite a few different sets of footprints in the earth in here because as you walk in, it looks just like an underground cave system in here. um And you see like there's a series of footprints, like some are like three toed, some of them like look like human footprints, some of them look like boots, um some of them look a little bit more reptilian. And you can tell that there's a little more kind of like typical like ah people shoe footprints heading towards a sign that says um to the brain.
00:55:24
Speaker
Guys, I think I'm using my expert tracking skills here. There's little lizard feet. There's barefoot feet. That's kind of weird as barefoot human feet here. um And there's also booted feet. And I know for a fact that wizards wear boots. true And they're going to the fucking brain. Where else would a wizard go other than the brain? The wizard could have gone so the yeah little nerd gone to the sign that says, to the wizard.
00:55:49
Speaker
or the wizard could have put that there, Jay, to lead us through the trap. That's probably the stomach acids or some shit we're going to get boiled up in. You're right. Let's go to the brain. Yeah. See another sign like shows up. It says like treasure this way to where the wizard's sign is. Well, we can backtrack if we need to. No, no, I think that's a prank. I think it's a prank.
00:56:12
Speaker
You see another the one form him says not a prank. It's real. Come this way. That's just what a prank would say. Let's go to the brain, you guys. Exactly what a prank would say. Maybe there's like an ah elaborate camera system in there too, but there's a security system. We can watch some camera feeds if nothing else in the brain. Let's go. All right. So you guys are heading up the the the tunnel that goes to the brain. Yes. Can I kind can i please ask that like um the the brain is like like ah like a big um Oh, it's like an observation deck where like you're it's like a big open space with like not on the brain in the middle or whatever. But you can see like out of his eyes like it's a big. look Yeah. Yeah. You can see literally what he sees. Yeah. Yeah. You can hear his thoughts. You can see like there's different ah different computers in there that like you can look at his different thoughts, his hopes, his dreams, i don know his fears, his anxiety, his privacy, his privacy. Right.
00:57:01
Speaker
yeah So you guys come up on the observation deck of the brain. You see that there's like a ah brain inside of like a big yellow, ah like shiny case. And you can see kind of like a shades of the brain floating in like a yellow liquid with like some wires touching it. And you see like a bunch of monitors everywhere. um And you see there's some muddy ass footprints of somebody that was here at some point um leading up to one of the um like the main the main deck where his eyes are. Hmm.
00:57:32
Speaker
Jay, I don't know if Chibichaka taught you this. Whenever I go, hmm, usually he would go, hmm, too. So, hmm. And? Hmm. Thank you, Everett. Looks like someone doesn't want to get an experience point.
00:57:50
Speaker
Thank you, Everett. I didn't want you to be left hanging. he didn't He didn't ask me to go, hmm. He just said, is I don't want to always have to ask you. Sometimes I want you to just understand I want or need something. or I don't want to always, if I, what you know, I don't want have to ask you, oh, I need this, Jay. I need that. I just want you to kind of just know that I need it sometimes. Okay, Jay? I feel like it was kind of implied, yeah. Yeah. Is there some kind of penalty for being chastised by the hero? There should be.
00:58:20
Speaker
Yeah, Jack Lazer loses an experience point. Hang on, let me That's my penalty for him. He's getting chastised. No, I can't think of any at the moment, but maybe they'll come back later from something. All right, well, Jay feels really bad. ah Well, you roll for feeling bad. Roll a charm and see how much bad you feel. Yeah, you're pretty middle. I don't know how bad. We're like, you know, you're kind of bummed about it, but also like you have a job to do.
00:58:52
Speaker
So you can do with that what you will, like how you interact with Jack for the for the rest of the vision. ah but Yeah, you see the eyeballs you see right now, the eyeballs like the little cameras are kind of looking back and forth every so often. You see like a big tongue comes up and licks the lens a few times um and then like the like the the shutters start to shut because he's going back to sleep. Sleep a little, fella.
00:59:16
Speaker
me You hear from the inside of the brain. Oh God, it's like it's ah so loud in here. yes i ever Do something with your magical computer or something real quick. Find out where the wizard is, went, was. no um like ah I guess I can try a wizard trecca on my thing. She pulls out her phone and starts tapping along to ask Jesse, do you have a wizard trecca?
00:59:42
Speaker
All right, roll a sharp roll, just a straight sharp to see what Jesse's got going on. 11. In a big fat 11, he says, why, yes, madam, there's a latest app on the Crap Store where it's literally made to track magical wizards and mages, warlocks and the like. Oh, Jesse, you're the greatest. Oh, tell me more. Anyway, don't forget to leave a review on the Ask Jesse app.
01:00:11
Speaker
of others know to trust Jesse. She downloads the app for wizard tracking. I noticed you didn't leave a review on Ask Jesse after I asked you for the review. Oh my god, Jesse, shut up. I'll do it later. Well, you said what you always say. I know, but yeah I'm always busy and you you're always like talking my ear off. How am I supposed to do it all? Well,
01:00:39
Speaker
Okay, all right, I guess that's so that's our relationship, isn't it? It's very Jack Laser and Jay Proto, right? You're just telling me what to do, you don't care about my feelings. Well, you never asked me out on a date, so I guess that's up to you now, isn't it? Because I'm married, okay?
01:01:00
Speaker
I can't just leave this internet highway to marry you or to do things with you. I'm loyal to my wife, Mrs. Bing. All I hear is blah, blah, blah. I'm a dirty whore. Now get to downloading the app. Fine, but I'm not going to enjoy it.
01:01:22
Speaker
but I'm going to complain the whole time. Well, it's done. Damn it. Thank you. She clicks on it. Has a bunch of ads, like, all over it. It says, oh, do you want to buy some space rocks? Do you want to go to space with Teflon Musk?
01:01:41
Speaker
yeah X, X, X, X, X. i Sign up for an account. Please do the capture. Please push all the buttons that have stoplights. ah She skips it. Says, please press all the buttons with bridges.
01:01:59
Speaker
She pushes all of the but ones that are even if they don't have bridges and she hits next. All right. And then you have an account and you have Wizard Tracker. And there's, oh man, there's a wizard not far from you. Oh, fuck. That's what the app says. That's what the app says. It says, oh, fuck, above like a moving little like triangle wizard looking hat on the on the map.
01:02:20
Speaker
Whoa, this app is like very. um Wow. OK, let's get going, guys. I guess it's a close. Where do we go? as She holds her phone out in front of her. A big myff a big index finger comes out of your phone and points in the direction you're supposed to walk. She follows. yes Cool. Jay, do you want to do anything?
01:02:46
Speaker
Yeah, while that's going on, Jay looks around the room and tries to investigate a mystery to see where the fuck the wizard went. All right, do that while she's also investigating where the wizard went. Yep. Everybody's got their own methods, I suppose. and he wrote is snap You can ask one question. and What do you want to know there, Mr. Proto? What's being concealed here?
01:03:09
Speaker
Oh, what's being concealed here? Fascinating question. You see that what's being concealed here is that you are not where you think you are.
01:03:22
Speaker
You see that along the the walls of the brain ah ah observation deck, every once in a while your keen eye catches like a ripple that shows just like a ah ah ah dirt wall. And occasionally you look around and you see like metal iron bars just kind of flickering in the magic that looks like ah like a TV that's dying.
01:03:46
Speaker
ah Ah, yeah, I think we're like in an illusion here, guys. I mean, that's a given because that's we're inside of Frank, but like, you know, ah but I think it's like an illusion within an illusion. Oh, my God. I know. I know. I hate this too, but like, I know. Let's follow this. Yeah. Yeah. Just let's follow that finger. You're right. Let's get let's go get fingered.
01:04:13
Speaker
Frank's about to get fingered. Hopefully he has some sausages. You ah you walk towards where the finger is pointing and eventually it leads you um just to a wall. Just there's no door, no exit. It's just a wall in the observation room. I've seen it before. I just walked through it.
01:04:38
Speaker
You walk through, you roll and into it, it disappears, bro and it opens up like a whole other door. Jay, you can't just walk in. You got to attack it or roll at it or something. Yeah. No, that's bullshit. The next one we see, I'll let you try to walk through it and see what happens. And you see that there's a box there behind
Battle with the Mimic and Jay's Transformation
01:04:53
Speaker
the behind that door that you revealed. Why don't you go over that box, Jay? I'm sure it's just a natural, natural normal, everyday box. He shoots it. Is there a chain hanging off of it? Yeah, there's a chain hanging off of it that's pointing at you. He shoots it.
01:05:07
Speaker
You shoot it and it goes. um And then like it like grows arms and legs and stands up and it's like six feet tall. And he shoots it five more times. All right. Oh, my God, it's a fucking mimic. You guys, we got to get the fuck out of here. Roll kick some ass against the. All right. What extra effect would you like?
01:05:29
Speaker
Uh, he would like to activate lightning mode and, uh, he wants to, uh, blow him the, you know, uh, yeah, just, he fucking dies. He blows up. Well, I mean, there's a list of extra effects, but I guess you could use that too. I don't know what the extra effects are. I'm sorry. I just, he blows up. You can do additional harm. Terrible harm. on them Terrible harm. You inflict roll, uh, 66 is of damage of lightning damage.
01:05:57
Speaker
for 21 harm. Wow. It's like limping so bad after getting lightning shot with a bunch of things. um And then it summons a lot of energy as like you see like the wood starts to fall off it and it does like a sick ass spinning like fucking mortal combat spin kick and just like kicks Jay in the face for two harm and sends him flying out the illusory door. All right. Well, ah Jay's dying. No, no.
01:06:28
Speaker
You never recovered from your hospital visit? Uh, if we never acknowledge that, but I'll just assume he did. Okay. So yeah. So you were, I say that you've lost all but one of your harm in the hospital. Cause you still had a little bit of concussion left. So you had one harm when you started this adventure. Now you have three. All right.
01:06:48
Speaker
Yeah. So you get kicked in the face and it goes, um, uh, Jack Lee. How How much help does he have? These things in Dark Souls have a lot of health. Fucking laser here to shoot his magnum revolver at it.
01:07:05
Speaker
Okay, Joel, kick some ass against the large mimic. Is it there? Just kicked your friend out of the door. I got 12. I got fucking bonuses too, motherfucker. I got 12 plus. I got advanced. All right. What do you want to do? I don't know. I got to fucking see what my options are here, first of all. I got 12 plus. I completely hold the advantage. Oh, shit. I just want to know. I'm going to murder the fuck out. My attacks inflict double. Well, actually, hold on. I have that thing that says finish him.
01:07:31
Speaker
so I can roll that, too. I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to murder the boys and blow. I know my bonus. The thing is, I'm sorry, I'm getting really excited. I do double the normal harm. So I do six harm. And because of that, um I do three or more harm. I can use my finish him and I can roll another tough and see if I do even more damage. I got a nine, which means I get one extra harm. So he takes seven damage to his box like body. Wow. And that was just enough to put him down as he goes and his body stiffens up and he just falls down.
01:08:03
Speaker
And then the barrel starts. Huh? I blow my barrel, my gun. I say, that's how you do it. He goes like that. He's a Jesus lying on the ground. He sure is. After getting kicked in the face by a giant box, you know, that makes sense. And you see something that I'm going to manage. Something golden, shiny, shiny on the ground that is left behind by the box. What do you do?
01:08:32
Speaker
o What do you do, Everett? Jay gets up, he wakes up and goes and grabs it. Oh, you're going to run and grab it? Well, she picked up the dye from last time, so she's like kind of wary about that kind of stuff now because she can feel it still in her satchel. Oh yeah, it vibrates every so often like it's trying to roll itself.
01:08:55
Speaker
Yeah, so she just she watches him do that and just kind of shrugs and is like, what? And she looks at her phone to see if she's ah can still see if there is still a wizard. The finger pointing in the right direction beyond the box that you look at is still pointing in that direction. OK, she goes towards the finger. All right. As you go towards the finger, follow she follows the finger. She follows the finger.
01:09:25
Speaker
um So, Jay, you pick up the item on the ground, you said? Yeah, because everyone else is just kind of staring at it, so he just gets back up and is like, oh, sweet, some loot. It is, in fact, loot. And when you pick it up, ah you see it is called the Ring of Mystery. Oh, sweet. Like, ah can I open my inventory and then like right click investigate it?
01:09:52
Speaker
Yes. So as you open inventory and you right click and you investigate it, it says long ago when the coastal wizard was born, his ancestors decided that the ring of mystery was the only way to truly defeat. And that's all it does. Huh. i What kind of stats does it have? ah Question mark.
01:10:15
Speaker
All right. Uh, I go over to Deckard Kane and I give him a scroll of identify. And then I'm like, give me 10, tell me the ah stats on this. Oh, yes, of course. Allow me to tell you exactly what you need to know. Thank you. Why yes. It's the ring of mystery.
01:10:36
Speaker
That's pretty good. And so, you know, when you put it on, mysterious things happen. Oh, no, I'm becoming Diablo. Time to go be a devil now. um And
Wizard Confrontation and Strategies
01:10:48
Speaker
ely he walks out the podcast after for telling you that. Great. All right. um So, hey, guys, some random shit's going to happen if I put this ring on. shit should i Should I put it on? Jay, what are you talking about?
01:11:03
Speaker
That's a ring. I don't know if that's a good idea. Jay, we're we're in we're in a terrible place right now where the wizard is transforming inside of this beautiful dragon into some sort of horror horror show for us, and you're going to put on a random ring you found? Who knows where that's been, first of all. The descriptions, well, it's been inside of a mimic, but like yeah the description says that it's the only way to like stop or or something. I don't remember. Jay, how hard did that puck hit you in the head? Really hard. First of all, I sir. Hold on. Hold on. I realized, and you also got to just get kicked too. I think um we had to leave that hospital very quickly. Jay, I don't even know if we should brush it down. you You may still be concussed, and even worse now. I don't know what's... Don't fall asleep, please. He puts the ring on. You you put the ring on? Okay. Close the ring. Roll on the roll on them random table. Roll a d6. Roll a d6. Tell me what you get.
01:11:57
Speaker
I typed in Rick. So you typed in Rick. and I got a one. Rick roll ri fail. You got a one. No, not on this. It's just a rolling table. um You find that you your body is is is transforming. You feel like there's a change happening to you. Oh, yeah, something's happening. And then you you guys see that right before your very eyes that Jay Proto is no longer a human man.
01:12:28
Speaker
He is a drow. Oh, thank God, I'm not a goblin. So I had to kill myself. He's like, oh, like purple and gray skinned, pointy eared, luxurious, haired drow with like kind of crazy colored eyeballs. All right. That's great, Jay. Come on. What? Oh, this is really. I put this fucking ring out. I mean, I don't know. It's this is fucked up. All right. Well, let's go find the fucking wizard.
01:12:58
Speaker
yeah Do you want to stay that way? Well, I mean, like what? and I get some advantages to this, don't I? Yeah, your nice vision is incredible. ah You take damage from the sun, though. ah You actually you have less ah vision when it's light outside um and you're you have really high charisma. There is. Yeah, see, I got a risk point.
01:13:25
Speaker
That's great. And, uh, yeah, I can see now I could see like everything. Everything's so clear. Uh, clear as day, actually. Oh, yeah. That's great. Um, plus yeah. Why don't you raise this wall and opening up? Okay. And he walks through the wall. You walk through the wall, but the wall doesn't move. But the arrow is pointing that way. What'd I tell you? He presses a. That only works in the second game. Okay.
01:13:54
Speaker
Nothing happens. This is Dark Souls 3. He shoots himself and leaves the podcast. No. All right, you shoot yourself with one of the pellets, hits the wall, pointing in a face. Good job. ja And you find that your body and your skin is immune to electric damage. Wow, cool. and not not the Not the actual pellet damage of the shotgun shell. yeah You take five damage straight to the face. Yeah, you take rolling roll, 66s. No.
01:14:25
Speaker
And you you start to notice that Jack Lazer is starting to look like a like ah he's starting to grow like a really long white beard. And he says like long, long flowing blue robes with yellow moons on them. No, I'm not in.
01:14:41
Speaker
I like this. I can see you looking to be funny, Jay. I hear you. I hear you saying mumbling to yourself. um um I got a beard. I know. I don't have a beard, Jay. You're concussed and you just put put a magical ring on. you're You're cursed, I think, Jay. No, I mean, Everett, can you, could you back me up here, Everett? I told you it wasn't a good idea to put that ring on before you even put it on. I'm just saying, I can't back you up on this one. I'm sorry.
01:15:11
Speaker
And you see Everett, she looks like she's about like a foot taller and she has like big jacked muscles and ah she has like some brightly colored like red and pink hair and like she's like got like a bunch of bandoliers and bullets of like explosives all over. And all you hear is like, I told you Jack laser was a piece of shit.
01:15:31
Speaker
I think I think I think what he's trying to say ever it is. Do I look like I'm a cookie crisp wizard?
01:15:39
Speaker
I see Maxine here. What? Where do I see Maxine? Do I see Maxine? I think you'd like Trippin. Do we see what he sees, God? No, you don't see any of that. That's only what Jay's just seeing you as a wizard and Everett as Maxine Steele.
01:16:00
Speaker
it's She's not Maxine still. She's Everett still. All right. Take that damn ring off. Yeah, you're right. And he takes the ring off. You take the ring off. Oh, man. And then you guys see that Jay Proto looks like an old man wearing a blue hat and a blue robe with yellow moons all over it. And he's got a white beard.
01:16:23
Speaker
She put them back on. ja hold tackles you You tackle them. Yeah, she thinks that's the wizard they've been looking for. All right. We'll kick some ass against the wizard. He was the wizard all along. Who i would have thought? Yes. I think you know somebody. That's an eight. All right. How much harm do you do?
01:16:47
Speaker
I just want to force them where I want them. All right. So you just tackle them. So you guys are wrestling on the ground. Yeah, she just wraps her arms and legs around him. The fuck is wrong with you? Maxine Steel is tackling you, Jake. What? I mean, I know it's not actually Maxine Steel, right? Like, I mean, ah like I told you. I told you to jack jack, ladies and gentlemen.
01:17:10
Speaker
Jack, she keeps calling you a piece of shit. Jack's just like rubbing his drumer his forehead with his finger's hands. He's like, oh my God. I hate wizards. I hate wizards so bad. Hey, hey asshole, just come out here and bite us, God damn it.
01:17:25
Speaker
Never! I already told your friend what the ring would do! Oh, I have one more hold. Where did I come from? Is that one of the questions you can ask? No, you know Clearest Day. You can recognize the echo chambers anywhere. It's in the bowels dungeon. That sounds like it's echoing from the bowels of this place. All right, guys, we have to go back to the central corridor and find the bowels dungeon. Hopefully we don't need a key or anything. Hopefully this doesn't turn into Legend of Zelda. Holy just stays as Dark Souls. Yeah, because I need a guide if I'm if we're playing Legend of Zelda. Jay puts the ring back on. You put the ring back on. You turn back into a beautiful drowl person. OK, I can handle that. Get out from Maxine. Roll another D6.
01:18:16
Speaker
Oh, no. Yeah. Maybe you'll get a one again. It's a two. You got a two. Now ah you see a gender swapped Jay Proto as a drow. And so now he's a beautiful lady drow. um Similar features. Just a lady. um ja tell Say something.
01:18:39
Speaker
I saw the exact same thing. Alright, let's go. I can get through it, but the voice does it for me. Otherwise, it'd be okay. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, Let's go to the bow. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can And so, yeah, your finger thing points, you know, the door opens up and you follow the wizard tracker and you follow Jack Lazer's inclination and like it leads you down, down into a big slide, a big water slide that goes straight down. What do you do?
01:19:14
Speaker
Do you go down the water slide? Is there a sign for the bowels? Oh, yeah, there's a sign that says ah slide to the bowels. And then another one it says slide to the left, slide to the right to hops this time. right ah All right. Let's go to the bowels, I guess. All right. Yeah. The slides start to go down. What can you take the stairs instead?
01:19:40
Speaker
Of course you can take the stairs. It says stairs this way for the sissies. Yep, he takes the stairs. All right, you take the stairs. So the other two are going down as you go down, down, baby. You crisscross, beep, beep, crisscross, beep, beep. And the slides are like all over the place as you go down and you land on a big pool, a big sticky pool at the bowels of the of the dragon. Jay, you have a nice leisurely walk down the stairs. um Nothing crazy happens. You see like a you see a knoll taking a cigarette break sitting down there, probably like two floors down.
01:20:17
Speaker
OK, yeah, I know that. You know, he goes and just keeps smoking and nods you and just continues on his way smoking. And then eventually you make your way down to a big pool, a big sticky pool that your friends are in. Well, let's go. down was Sweet. actually I should punch my like in the game. You guys are in a real ah sticky situation there, looks like. ja david You sexy little bitch. And then you hear the wizard goes, I see you found my secret little dungeon. Welcome, friends. Stinks down here. Why are you staying on here? ah Because I figured no one would come down here because it stinks. I have a spell that makes me smell Riz Khalifa's.
01:21:07
Speaker
ah Well, you're ready to smell them forever, buddy. You're going to be dead. Oh, I don't think so. This is my favorite dungeon on the Citadel. Can I can ja see him? Yeah. You can see him in the dark. He's standing over in a corner like doing a little finger tent with his hands. And you see like hanging off of his back is a big ass like ah shiny silver sword. Hey, look, it's the sword. He's got the sword. He's right over there. And J points.
01:21:42
Speaker
ah yeah Yeah, you are. I see you. Ah, fuck you. Fuck us. You look somewhere else.
01:21:52
Speaker
I'm going to cast gun now. Cast gun six barrel shotgun. Can I cast six barrel lightning shotgun? All right. you Yeah, you can go kick some ass if you like. Go for it. Six barrels. That's a lot of barrels to shoot.
01:22:07
Speaker
Can you handle it? I rolled seven barrels. and That's a seven. Wow. Roll 60 sixes of damage.
01:22:16
Speaker
of lightning damage with his six-barrel shotgun. Only 14 this time. 14 is still a lot more than the average three that one can do. um So you blast these lightning rounds over there. And he goes, Oh, I've been salooned. Oh, yeah. Oh, the white light is coming. Oh, I can see it. There's all the gods standing there greeting me. If you really were dead, you'd stop talking. I should.
01:22:42
Speaker
um And as you're drawing your magnum, you see um that like just out of the floor comes just like ah like ah like a bolt of um ah bolt of lightning that just sends Jay flying. But because his skin is lightning proof, it just sends him flying against the wall for one harm.
01:23:00
Speaker
He's dying. not wallproof He's He's not. He's not. He's not impact proof. He's just like proof. So he absorbed the damage of the lightning, but he took one wall wall impact damage. You said you're pulling out your magnum. Yeah. All right. What do you do? It's dark down here. Do you have dark vision with your sunglasses on? No. All right. It's dark down here. What do you have cool you're shooting? yeah You have cool vision. You can shoot in the direction you saw the lightning shotgun shells fly.
01:23:28
Speaker
Um, now for the best, but it'll be a minus one to your shot. Oh, Jack laser. Because you can't see in the dark as a state then. That's an eight. You shooting here. Oh, oh, no. Well, it hurt even more. I'm dying faster now. Oh, geez. Oh, I don't want to. I don't want to abuse it, but I didn't do that. I did do three harm to him just then so I can do my finishing. I mean, you could if you want to. You have to roll for that, though. Yeah. I know it only does one.
01:23:57
Speaker
All right, you do one more harm, and he goes, oh, that's one more piece of harm I have to endure. Oh, jeez. And then you just see like this like kind of colorful little orb like pops up like right next to you, Jack, and it's flashing like purple, red, blue, and it stops on blue and it blinks and then you just get like this ice blast just like hits you and freezes you in place for three harm. Yeah.
01:24:23
Speaker
He was chromatic. Oh, bitch. I think. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? You have armor against ice? No. Or just I had something that gives me like a way to move harm. It's one where I spend luck. I can. Oh, I see. Gotcha. All right. Well, you you take three cold harm. Everett, what do you do? There's a chromatic orb on the ground shooting ice. Jay got thrown against the ceiling. Jack is frozen in the dark and you're also in the dark. What do you do? Hmm.
01:24:54
Speaker
She's going to try to. Well, she's going to turn the flashlight on on her phone. Oh, smart. um Yeah. And then she's going to ask Jesse to. ah So you I'm trying to think of what they're called. So, you know, those things that like the bomb engineers put over bombs to like. So if they explode, it's not so catastrophic, I guess.
01:25:23
Speaker
Sure, I don't know if containment field like a containment thing and put on it. Yeah, like a containment thing. So she wants to get she wants to order one from Ask Jesse for it to show up and.
01:25:38
Speaker
cover the orb that's like shooting ice everywhere. All right. Roll roll. Just make it another sharp roll, I guess, to see if Jesse can manage that to get it delivered into the dragon for you to. I guess she can hack it to where like the universe to where she can like manifest it like she did. Sure. Go ahead and roll sharp and we'll see what happens.
01:26:00
Speaker
That's still pretty good. yeah You hear Jesse's just just grumbling goes, yes, Jesse, Jesse, do this. Jesse, do that. No, not not. How's how's Bing doing? Yes, whatever. Fuck me. Fuck us. Who gives a shit? um You know, and you see he like begrudgingly like you see him like running to like a warehouse in the middle of like digital downtown wherever he is and then he grabs it and then puts a box out there. But like the box is like stuck in the screen because you have a small phone. He's like, come on, poor with me.
01:26:29
Speaker
It's very heavy.
01:26:33
Speaker
Oh, fine. ah You pull it out, it opens up and automatically jumps on top of the gro chromatic orb and closes it on there. um Yeah, you did a good job. You've protected your friends from a chromatic orb. Yes. Would you like to do anything else before we cut back to Jack or ah Jay Pritto? She just blows a kiss to ask Jesse.
01:26:58
Speaker
I told you I'm married. And then he just crosses his arms. um um And you hear, oh, very cool. You can manipulate reality. So can I pick a place anyplace. I'll take us there. No, I'm serious. I could do it. Just pick a place anyplace. Taking suggestions from the audience. Fine. We'll just like go to Paris. All right. What's Paris? um I don't know. I've just heard of it.
01:27:27
Speaker
What are you going to say, Jay? I can see you unmuting there.
01:27:33
Speaker
Uh, nothing. Nothing at all. OK, he goes. All right, fine. Paris. And then you see you guys are on top of a giant Pokemon bug mushroom creature. And it goes. space press press This is what you wanted, fools. Jay Frodo. Now you're all on top of a giant mushroom creature. see ah ah If I'm dying, uh, you know, is that like, all right, uh, I'm unstable. That's what it is. Yeah. You're, you're just, ah you're a little, you're a little rickety. So things might be a little tougher in life. That's all. Okay. Um, yeah. So like, can I read a bad situation? Absolutely. Go ahead and roll that beautiful bean footage.
01:28:31
Speaker
Let's see what happens. Roll that beautiful bean footage. Oh, had you say that's three questions you can ask my guy. What do you want to know? Are there any dangers we haven't noticed yet? Are there any dangers you haven't noticed? Yes. What do you see, Jay? What have you noticed in the room?
01:28:54
Speaker
What if I noticed i i've noticed a wizard casting chromatic orb? The wizard's casting another chromatic orb! Oh, shit, really? Yes, he's... sees shes Who's he targeting? Oh, he's gonna finish off Jack Lazer.
01:29:10
Speaker
I'm going to push Jack out of the way. I'm going to dive into the sticky bullshit. Oh, man. Yeah, you're not frozen totally solid, but you're just frozen in plates. Yeah, you're just really cold, but you're not like a full on ice cube or anything. I want to shoot the orb maybe or something like, I don't know. You want to shoot the one that the wizard? Distract the wizard? Yeah, like I just want to do something. So like if I shoot the wizard,
Defeating the Wizard and Escaping the Dungeon
01:29:37
Speaker
I want to try to earn up the cast.
01:29:39
Speaker
All right, you do have dark vision, so yeah, you can try to shoot him again. Yep, we're shooting him again to interrupt the cast. It's the goal here. All right. All right. So roll kick some ass with your are you using your the homemaker again or using something else? The homemaker, of course. All right. Making a homemaker. OK, just making sure. Roll a nine. Oh, that's a nine. Roll 66 is again for your boy.
01:30:04
Speaker
I really should just make it like an equal amount of harmonies time, but I think it's funnier this way. 26. 26 harm here. Oh, my casting has been interrupted. ah Hell yeah. Fuck. Oh, it exploded all over me. Nice Oh. Yeah, good job, Jack laser. What a good job, Jack laser. Yeah, but yeah. i knew You yeah Oh, oh, that we we was you. Oh, good job. Yeah. Good job. J. Proto. Not very nice. J. Proto, you see as you blast your bolts, your shells into the wizard, you see that the sword that hangs upon his back every so often pulses with a radiant like I wouldn't say radiant, but like
01:31:01
Speaker
because that's not exactly what theme I'm going for. But like it pulses with like a like a like a glow worm kind of glow that like in envelops him just very briefly. And you see like anything you do to him looks like it's just quickly going away. Yeah, guys, I think the sword is like healing him. Hmm.
01:31:21
Speaker
That's weird. Yeah, we just probably got to get the sword for him. ah So but Jack laser. What do you do? um ah You're you're a little chilly, a little cold. Well, I know everything good. We warm you up as you go for a good little run. I'm a poster, my pistol. I'm going to roll over there. That guy, I'm going to try and grab a hold of him.
01:31:41
Speaker
Oh, I see. Rassle is Rassle is sort out of his hands if he's holding it. You know what? Let's have that be an act under pressure because he's going to see you coming. He's going to see me coming, which is more than Maxine Steele could say. Oh, we were thinking blindfolded or a mixed success eight. That's a mixed success. That's an eight. ah So you're just going to sprint and try to take the sword. Yeah.
01:32:07
Speaker
All right. You sprint towards him and then you see a bunch of high hurdles from the U.S. Olympics or the World Olympics pops up around you and you have to jump over them to get over to them. sort God, this is so good.
01:32:20
Speaker
with there with every jump you take, with every breath you make. No, with every jump you make, with every breath you take. it just You get a little warmer, but it's also slightly more exhausted. ah um And you see now he's casting as you're running towards him to take the sword. He brandishes the sword in his hands.
01:32:40
Speaker
And he points it at you and you see all of a sudden the world lights up bright like the beaming sun is in the room with you. And it looks like it's forming at the tip of the sword. And he goes, all right, I'm done playing with you fools. It's time to suck you dry. Hey, you didn't know these are reflective sunglasses. I know I already use that. and
01:33:02
Speaker
I pull my big knife out as a sword fight. You want a bastard? Oh, fuck. And then Justice, he goes to cast the big radiant beam of energy. You clang your blade against his large sword. And now you guys are in a duel. Tling, tling, tling, tling. Like a movie duel where we just hit each other's swords. Yeah, just each other's swords. They're actually trying to hit each other. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you bastard, you're so good. Clang, clang. The sparks are flying off, even though it has no reasoning for it to be having. He's playing, playing, playing, playing, playing. Not here for Tang is too. Let's say for you. Oh, fuck. Sorry, I just want to make weapons here. So Everett, there's a Jack laser. It's bright as hell in here all of a sudden. Jay Proto is wounded, but landed a good shot. He calls out about the sword. Jack laser is currently in a knife sword fight with the wizard. What do you do? Can she?
01:33:58
Speaker
I asked Jesse to put like a magical net over him to like dampen his magic. ah magical ah A magic dampening net over the wizard? Yeah. Sure, but you're going to have to do charm this time because jes ah Jesse's upset with you because you keep flirting with him and being mean. So you have to roll charm to charm him into doing it. OK. So go ahead and see. I got an eight. You got an eight. He's he's like.
01:34:27
Speaker
You know, you have so many other skills and you just, I do, I might, you might as well just be in here and I should be the hunter. Ah, God, fine. I mean, I'm not going to get you a good one. It's going to be a little guy because you're running out of money. So, you know, you didn't- What are you talking about? I've got lots of monies. No, you invested it in shit coin and you didn't put enough on your Sierra Corp account and you're running low. You have to refill up your account.
01:34:58
Speaker
So that's what I just told people. I didn't really use the bitcoins. Well, I don't see it on your account here, so I'm just giving you this little guy and he shoves his hand through and there's a little box and you just have a box of like three little nets. It comes in like a three pack, probably about the size of your head. OK, you can start talking.
01:35:24
Speaker
ah you She starts hacking the nets to make them like to fuse them together and then make it bigger. All right. She like does like zoom with her fingers. You know, let's make it bigger. Let's have that be. Yeah, I see. I see. That's funny. um Why don't you have that be? You know what? Let's call this use magic. I should have been having to do this from the beginning. I forgot that was a move.
01:35:51
Speaker
Oh, fuck, she got a two. I'm going to use a luck point because I really want this to happen. A two? Dang, dude. Do you not have any weird? You don't you have zero weird. I have zero weird. um I used a luck point. Oh, right. You used a luck point. OK, so you use a luck point and you use your little finger zooms to make the nets bigger ah in your perspective. And now you have like one big fat ass magic dampening net.
01:36:23
Speaker
Can ta her um technical difficulty, can it be like a screaming nut to where it just goes, ah? Like a goat? No, just like I didn't want to like scream like an actual scream, like just a screaming nut.
01:36:43
Speaker
You know what? It's going to be like that was going to be a complaining net. Like, it's like, you know, I was so happy just being a bunch of small guys. And now you're making me a big guy. And I've gained a lot of weight and a lot of mass. And I'm just angry all the time now. What do you even do to annoy the wizard to give me the sword? All right. Are you going to try to throw the net? Yep. OK. Roll kick some ass roll.
01:37:13
Speaker
and but so fuck like got a four yeah have a four You i got all the good roles that for weight like useless fucking bullshit. I go i want to yeah wait. No, it only works with the hero. Yeah. You can only do that move with your hero. You can't do it with anyone else.
01:37:37
Speaker
Even if you did a good help out, you wouldn't get her above ah a six. Yep. So she goes to throw the net and Jack laser. Oh, no. A giant complaining net hits you while you're mid sword fight. What the hell is just an honest door. Oh, yes. You know, a little rainbow head friend is on my side, fool.
01:38:01
Speaker
And so Jack Lazer, you're laying on the ground and the wizard is about to plunge his sword, his glowing sun beaming sword deep within you. ah Yes. ah Jay Proto, it's your turn. What do you do? He sees that shit happen and is like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And he runs. He's he is sprinting full speed ah at the wizard and it's going to try to fucking tackle his bitch ass.
01:38:28
Speaker
Oh, damn. This sounds like protect someone, I think. I i think so. Yeah. Yeah. um Or bodyguard. Yeah. ah You have bodyguard? What does bodyguard do? Just if your your son's band is going to happen to your hero or your comrades or a bystander. And I'm right there, which I'm not, I guess. So yeah, protect someone. Seems good.
01:38:48
Speaker
You can do bodyguard if you want. You're you're like within like about sprinting. I want to roll. I want to roll. All right. Protect someone. It is my guy. Ten. Ten, my dude. Damn. I'm going to hold me back. You're going to hold the back. You're going to grab his bitch ass, tackle him. And Jack's got a net in him. Well, that wizard's got a J on him.
01:39:10
Speaker
Oh, yeah, he does. He's like, oh, no, I've got a J on me. Get off of me, you perv. Oh, God. No, no, I will not. Please, please.
01:39:24
Speaker
No, I I'm going to put you in a headlock. Oh, no, don't give me a noogie. I don't want my hair messed up.
01:39:37
Speaker
Have a date later. Yes, I'm seeing another reason. ah shit
01:39:44
Speaker
So you guys are over there in a headlock. ah ah Jack Laser, you're currently wrapped up in a net. Jay Proto has protected you from a blade. What do you do? Um, am I able to get out of this magical net? Yeah, you're not magical. Just get out of it. Um, and, uh, I'm just gonna, oh, Jay's got it on the bad guy's back. Whatever. I'm just going to try and wrestle the sword off of his, uh,
01:40:09
Speaker
but But hand out of his hand. You know, I'm going to say that you do that because he's currently in a headlock from Jay Proto. So I'm going to say you that's not even really a struggle. He's like being totally manhandled by Jay Proto, who's like you see like his muscles are like bulging through his shirt. Like he's like more ripped than he looks. He's like he's got the he's got that that lean kind of muscle.
01:40:28
Speaker
I don't notice. Well, J Pro, he's a fucking. It's not even his real bodies. Who cares? Or say it was a wizard. It's true. He's got that sick, drow body. Yes. um But I mean, he's a hot drow lady. I do. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. um But anyway, yeah, I take the sword and what does the wizard change at all when now he doesn't have a sword? When you take the sword, you see, oh, man, Jay, the wizard turns into a pile of like people mush in your arms.
01:40:53
Speaker
Oh. Because all of his wounds that were being like held back by the sword now just like reapply themselves from all of your shots and all of the gunshots and tackles and punches. And he just turns into like a pile of like flesh mush on the ground in clothing and ah in a robe. Also, guys, I feel pretty good, Holden. I feel a lot better after that freeze I had done. I feel pretty good. Yeah, you feel incredible. Yeah. Oh, God, I need a shower.
01:41:20
Speaker
I'll be with you always, Jay. Always. Oh, get off. Oh, I start smacking the ah the the goop with the sword. I'm like, oh, oh, you're healing me. Thank you. Keep doing it. Oh, shit. I start stepping on. Oh, damn it. Shoes on my weakness. um And you win. You've gotten the sword from the the wizard, the coast wizard. Is there a broom nearby? ah You want roll to find a broom?
01:41:48
Speaker
Okay. Um, read about situation or investigate a mystery. The one that's probably applicable. about situation by situation Six failure. Fuck. Fuck. I use it. like I can make you look good. ah the look look at me look good I need this.
01:42:04
Speaker
13. Holy shit. There you go. Have your 13. Does it make success? so No, you have a real success. That's a 13. Okay. Nice. Okay. Yeah. yeah oh Oh, I get that. Oh, I get his right your role. I don't, I don't know how that works like in fiction, but like, yeah, he has a thing that says.
01:42:20
Speaker
What is it? I just imagine I'm like, i looking I'm looking at me. I'm going to find a broom you guys. And I'm like, I can't find one of the jig. I cast me on the shoulder and he points like a broom. Yeah. Like suddenly so I can say I can. nice like oh He's like he's yes he's like production in the background. Like, you don't know. He's just trying to like keep keep this. you yeah ja we And I look red past passwords on a broom. Excellent. If you would have been quiet for five seconds, today I could have found the broom.
01:42:44
Speaker
And then I then I start sweeping the goop towards the ah the poop creation vat that's nearby. Oh, yeah you This is for you Frank you sleep as a you hear hmm It's gonna be a doozy of a doozy Alright guys now we better get the hell out of here for the starts getting all mixed together Yeah, he started to feel like the whole thing started to rumble, his tummy started to go gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle. We don't want to see how the sausage gets made. Oh dear. Oh boy. And I run. Alright guys, now this is the exit sequence. You have to run as the cave collapses. As as there's gas gas bursts are bursting behind us. yep
01:43:26
Speaker
ah the The intestines are congealing and constricting around us. Yeah, the the gastral sphincters are imploding no Yeah, so everybody roll for leaving Act under pressure whatever you think is the best role for you to use to apply what you're good at to run away Seven. Oh, no. Seven! Oh, fuck. Man, gentle when he's part of the diarrhea Jack Jack laser smokes you guys. He's like fucking like, leaves you guys like- You remember that, uh, that scene in Avengers from that one chick that one extra, like, runs like a thousand miles per hour past all the other extras? That's me.
01:44:04
Speaker
yeah He thought it was real. um So you just sprint past with the other two. Oh, man, the it's just rumbling. You're having a hard time staying still. And then all of a sudden they're shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road. No, no. And he says, actually, it's right this way. There's a shortcut out of here. Do you listen?
01:44:33
Speaker
I just know I just run past him. You run past him, he goes, Oh, well, fuck me, then I was just trying to.
01:44:43
Speaker
but And you guys leave just that you jump out of the dragon's mouth just as you hear. He goes, Oh, that's good wizard. Thanks, guys. No problem, Frank, and I deck him up.
01:45:03
Speaker
Oh, he taps you and he says, hey, where's your whip? My whip? Where's your whip? That's over there, isn't it? No. Oh, man,
Royal Confrontation and Resolution
01:45:14
Speaker
someone must have stolen it while I dozed off. That's all right, Frank. Oh, man. I just got that, too. Yeah, I i don't know. why I was awakened by the strange, strange sound of dubstep.
01:45:32
Speaker
And before I knew it, your whip was gone. Oh, hold on. Maybe I put it into like, uh, invisible mode on accident. Hold on. She opens up her phone and clicks a few things to see if she might've accidentally hit invisible mode. You know what? You try to click around. There's no, your car is not on the radar. What the? Someone checked your ride, yo.
01:46:00
Speaker
Yeah, I don't even understand how someone would do that in the middle of the Grand Canyon. I know, crazy world, lot of people doing things. Somebody called Blake, Kevin, pick us up. Who's Blake? Is he cute? No, he's our kind of our boss, we work for him.
01:46:21
Speaker
Oh, he was the guy who requested. Yeah, he was. He was the guy who requested us to come out here and like, you know, kill the wizard. So and don't, don't, don't think it's because he's out of the goodness of his heart. He just doesn't want his favorite vacation spots ruined. Oh, is that the sword of Arthur? Is that what was giving me a tummy ache? Um, no, it's probably the um horribly sick and ill wizard who was healing himself with it.
01:46:44
Speaker
Oh, interesting. Well, my tummy feels much better now. Yeah, that's good. da yeah I see back they see the mess you made back there. Holy cow. Yeah, i don't worry. Someone will come and pick it up. thats i mean it's nature I use it to fertilize many of the farms in the US. Yeah, I heard you're part of the green initiative. Yeah. You know, red dragons can be green.
01:47:08
Speaker
Yeah, indeed. um Well, yeah, thanks ah for letting us go inside you. Excalibur, that's what it's called. Yeah, yeah. And yeah guys, you remember Blake just wanted to save the Grand Canyon, right? We don't have to get his back, right? I can keep Excalibur.
01:47:23
Speaker
Uh, no, I think that was part of the deal was to give it back, but like we can just act like it was destroyed or something. I don't know. american citizen have a Yeah. Well, I'm an American citizen. I don't know. with I don't know. You're not beholden to like the British. So yeah. Plus the Queen's dead. Who cares? Yeah. Yeah. yeah was Yeah. She's dead. And that's, there's no replacement. who yeah what's that What's that? What's that old Queen going to tell me? I'm going to bash his head into that old bastard.
01:47:52
Speaker
And then you see several helicopters descend down know like towards the Grand Canyon. And then you see a bunch of like agents drop down on like repelling ropes. Let's say or imagine these Royal Air Force. Fuck. Yes, it does. No.
01:48:07
Speaker
And then you see, what this bench right? It says her majesty there says graffiti over at his majesty's. Yeah. And then you see, he you see King Henry walks up to you with his crown and he says, ah, the new wielder of Excalibur.
01:48:25
Speaker
yeah go I was getting ready to kneel like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's me. Yep, yep. No, you are the rightful king. Only he who can wield the sword is the rightful king. And in our tapestries, it's been foretold that a long-haired, muscular American will be the new king of our lands. If wielding the s sword of Excalibur. My hair's not long. Oh, well, sorry, then you can't be king. It's like medium length. No, I mean, it's longer than my hair.
01:48:55
Speaker
anybody here's longer hear here you old fuck You want to be king or not? Like do meetings and like make rules and shit. I don't want to really do that. No, you just have your key. Yeah, you can do it at once. I just want to be I just don't want to be part of this family anymore because people hate me.
01:49:16
Speaker
I just want to go and open up a juice bar in California. I'm not really going to be part of your family either. I'm not going to show you that. All the security guys are like none of the royal family. I'm not going to be coming around to the family gatherings, everybody. I'm just going to be, you know, sort of like, you know, absent king. That's fine. We will ready your concubines for whenever you want them, Zaya. Are they over in England? Yes. All right. Well, hoist me up in the plains. I'm getting out of here. Let's go.
01:49:45
Speaker
you And then you hear all of it go all hail King laser. That's right. All right. Uh, and then, uh, Jay, uh, Jay just jumps into the Colorado and floats away. And then you see Maxine steel comes up with a speedboat and yanks you out of the Colorado river. Now she can't be on a speedboat in the Colorado.
01:50:15
Speaker
Oh, she is on one because this is an 80s action movie that makes no sense. Oh, no. Maxine, you're going to ruin your propeller. It's not that. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's actually a hover boat. Don't worry about it. God damn it. I fucking hate this. I stole the rocket technology from your friend's car. Jack, Everett, help. I'm drinking a champagne flute in the ah helicopter. she We're going on a date, baby. ha cha chicha That's my catchphrase. Oh god. it's Satan, anybody. when you see the You see that the demon pops up and he goes, you should have listened to my advice on how to leave, bitch. here Shut up. We need to put me in touch with your boss. I have so much soul. I don't care.
01:51:43
Speaker
well look good already.