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The Affordables 1.12: Murdercycle? I Barely Know're Cycle!
35 Plays23 days ago
Jack Lazer retires, A French "mime" joins the team, Everett is the bestest race-ah evah, and Jay Proto becomes a new kind of hunter. Wassat about?
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Transcript
Missing David and Super Mall Memories
00:00:41
Speaker
We are already running late. So let's get to it. Good morning. Get back in there. Bye there. But the role players and we lost David the moment that I started the recording. Anyway, he'll jump back in hopefully. But anyway, guys, hey, listen, this is role players. Welcome back to affordable episode 12. I don't know what David went. Hopefully he's coming back. It shows his microphones on, but it says he's offline. So I don't, I don't know.
00:01:07
Speaker
But we'll
Shopping Adventures and Ponzi Scheme Card
00:01:08
Speaker
see. Anyway, what happened last time, guys, they went to the mall. They went to the Super Mall and they did super stuff. And um yeah, um that happened. And up David's coming back. I see his name is starting back up green. David, are you with us? David, are you here? My my headphones just conked out. Oh, man. Yeah, I had that happen to me too with my microphone.
00:01:34
Speaker
connected from my receiver. yeah So been there done that homie. It's okay. We we got you are recording. Okay. We're recording. That's right. Don't worry about it. It's cool. You know what? We don't hide very much from our listeners here. Um, I was just saying they went to the mall and they did that. And then they bought things and Jay has goons and every true, huh? Big if true. Yep. Uh, uh, uh, Everett has two goblins and a little bear creature named Ferdinand.
00:02:00
Speaker
and she has dingle and dangle, and then she has a dog at home, and then she spent a bunch of money, and then everybody level up a bunch, except for Jack Laser, who said, I'm not using that card, because it's a whole Ponzi scheme. And that was it.
Eight Months Later: Blake's Message Alert
00:02:13
Speaker
And they bought pretzels, I think, as well. And that's really it. Oh, and then the Jays goons chased ah Maxine Steele out of the universe into another universe. So there we go.
00:02:25
Speaker
And that's pretty much it. ah So you guys went to the mall and you had a lot of fun. ah So let's see. Jacklazer, how long would you say it's been since your trip to the mall? um What timeline do you think we should be in now? Seven to nine months. months? Seven to nine months.
00:02:45
Speaker
seven to nine, seven and twenty nine months, um seven to nine months. OK, sure. About the time for a baby to be born. um So, ah yeah, so it's but we'll say it's been eight long months.
Jack's Lake Retreat
00:02:59
Speaker
ah Jay and Jack and Everett, you have not heard much of a peep from Blake Dancer at all. And then um You get a ping out on your messaging system. But before we do that, Jack, what's, what have you been up to over the past eight months? Where have you been? What are you doing? Um, he's been, uh,
00:03:24
Speaker
ah down at the lake. Oh, the lake. What lake? The lake. Oh, the lake. Okay. And what has he been doing down at the lake? He just parked his RV there, got yelled at a few times.
00:03:39
Speaker
Uh, with any, he's like, I have a permit and he gave the park ranger a letter or a piece of paper on which he had written. I'm Jack laser. And the guy just said, all right, then thank you for your service. Um, hang out down there. All right. Have you been seeing anyone? Have you been at practicing any crafts? Have you been making any visits? Uh, no, he just been, you know, going to the boat rental shack and, uh,
00:04:05
Speaker
He's been going there so many times. I said, just take one out for free, brother. Have a hot dog for free. Here you go. Oh,
Everett's Market Success
00:04:10
Speaker
nice. Yeah. ah You know what? That sounds like a nice chill day, a nice chill time. Go ahead and roll. ah Roll just plus cool for me to fucking will see how cool of a time you've been having. Yeah. Either way, you get at least one experience. He's not working. He's chilling. You know, I got a failure. He's had two cools. Yeah. Roll two cools.
00:04:30
Speaker
Eight. That's one of my favorite tag teams from the WWF. Is that a failure count towards my level up? Yes, you can put an experience points there. And really, I've been kind of doing this wrong, where a failure is one experience. Let's do a mixed success is two and a full success is three. So take three experiences total. You know, maybe you got a hard time getting settled in at first because you were getting harassed. What? Huh? What?
Jay's Job Hunt and Anxiety
00:04:55
Speaker
Well, what? You get three experience for getting a success.
00:04:59
Speaker
Well, the way that I'm doing this for how you guys can build skills in your off time. So like I used to just do it. Like if you succeeded, you get two. And if you get a mid success, you get one. But I forgot about failures because most people don't fail on those. So you get one for failing, two for mid mixed ah three for extreme success. So made get three total because of your two roles. Good job. So just your loafing around and taking some very much needed off time and hanging out and.
00:05:23
Speaker
you know, taking time for Jack. I think that you've earned some experience points and some relaxation as much as, um as much as we love Jack. I'm tempted to just, he's at the lake. He's in his RV. He's like, no, he's just quit doing this. I'm going to retire this hunter in his safety. I was going to say, do you, he's like, do you want to build a new character while I'm talking to the other people? At least you know he can
Jay's Hero Transformation
00:05:47
Speaker
come by, he can be like Shay or who, who who can I like? Jimmy Chang has already kind of,
00:05:52
Speaker
doing little cameos and shit. He can be like who's the guy? Michael Jordan. He can come out of retirement if he wants to, but he's the goat. He's going to stay behind. Live his best life. All right. I'm going to make you another character sheet. If you want to have your French hero. All right. I forgot about that. All right. I want to get Jackson. Get ready. Oh, there's there's there's one that I made called Queen. OK. If he would get something bad happened here.
00:06:20
Speaker
What did you break something? All right. Well, you go ahead and tackle that. I'm going to go over. It became a non. It's like a little, it's just a little nub now, a little, a little box that's transparent. It's a nub. It's a fixed. it It's not a nub, no mo. OK. All right. Go ahead and make your nub character. You know what? So Jack Lasers just going to stay retired at the lake. Is that what you're saying, Justin? I have already said TTFN to you. I'm making a new character.
Character Creation and Role-Switching
00:06:48
Speaker
Oh, OK. Sorry. I didn't hear that because I was laughing.
00:06:50
Speaker
All right, cool. All right. Let's go to Everett. So Justin is now live as we record building a new character. He already has a concept for one, though. So that's good. That's all right. So like I can't I don't have an idea of what this is because I forgot about this character, but it'll be fun. All right. So Everett, what's Everett been doing over the last eight months?
00:07:09
Speaker
Hmm. Well, you know, she's been hanging out with Ramsey a lot, doing a lot of crafting stuff. You know, they've been going to like farmer's markets around town ah trying to sell their crafting stuff, you know, because they're going to their apartment was just covered in like all sorts of things. So ever it was just like, let's try to like make a profit off of these things. So that's what they've been doing.
00:07:39
Speaker
Making a
Blake's Death Valley Race Announcement
00:07:40
Speaker
profit off of what again? Their crafts. Oh, their crafts? Okay. Because, you know, that their apartment was just full with them. Sure. You know what? Why don't we do this? Why don't you roll? Let's have you roll.
00:07:53
Speaker
a sharp roll because you're using sharp objects for all of your crafts. And then maybe have you do a cool roll to see how cool they are when you sell them. Eleven. That's a big fat eleven for sharp. Oh, yeah. We made some seriously cool shit. Yeah. Well, that you made very you made things with expertly sharp things. Wow. Well, hey, Cass, guess what? Take six fucking experience points over the course. Oh. because you're going 11 out of 10. That's three experience points each. So not only were you like really good at honing your skills with sharp objects, I must have been all that staff and vampires you were doing. and Yeah. um Yeah. I thought you're crocheting and everything. But you made some bad ass stuff and tons of they cleared out your stock within like 48 hours. like They bought everything. ah You know what? Go ahead and roll 4d 1000s to see how much money you made off of your little side business.
00:08:48
Speaker
Um, because I think that's pretty fucking cool. For D 1000s. Can you believe they make 1000 sided dice? Yeah, I forget I could do this. Is it an exclamation point or a slash? A slash roll
Race Preparations
00:09:00
Speaker
one D 1000. We're on roll 20 for anybody who's listening at home. You may. 1919 you made a route around 1900 bucks on your. Yes, we were making. Oh.
00:09:14
Speaker
ah That's pretty great, good job. um So that's what you've been doing over the past eight months, just kind of getting your craft on. ah The goblins have been helping you out. Dingle and Dangle have been helping you out.
00:09:25
Speaker
Um, and of course your build a bear creature. Cool. Um, you know, that kind of act, honestly, that helped him calm down a bit because he's genuinely a pretty hungry fella and he keeps getting bigger and bigger the more he eats. Um, so he's probably had a few snacks and his head probably hits off your ceiling at this point, but he's been really like hunkered down onto like crafting. And so now that he knows you can make money from hobbies, he's been like fixated on that. So that's what he's been doing this whole time is just trying to build your stock back up.
00:09:55
Speaker
So you pretty much have like your own little your own little workshop in your house. We have our own craft room. Yeah, you have your own craft room and the goblins and the dog, Ramsey and ah Ferdinand are just, they're into it. They're absolutely a into it. Yeah. um All right. Cool. Very good. um All right. um And then we go over to our friend, Jay Proto. Jay, ah what have you been doing over the past eight months um of time? ah I think he's been trying to contact Jack, and Jack just doesn't respond. Oh, shit. Why does he want to contact Jack? Because he doesn't know what else to do with his life, and he hates... Yeah. ah He's trying to move out of his mother's house, and... Your apartment hasn't been finished yet?
00:10:42
Speaker
No. Did I buy an apartment? Well, you had an apartment, but like in the first or second episode, it got blown up by a ninja or no, by like a five guys burger. Remember? I thought that was. a Oh, no, that was Jimmy Chang. That's right. fuck That was Luke's supposed was Jimmy Chang's apartment. I forgot. Yeah. So Jay Proto still lives at home. I forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he's he so he's been like, you know, he actually decides to move and he gets an apartment. i Great.
00:11:08
Speaker
And he puts it in What's that place called in Michigan dick, Michigan dick, Michigan is right He was right a dick mission cuz he's like we've been back here. I swear to god like Which it just keeps coming up. So he's like fucking I'm just gonna live here ah So he lives in dick, Michigan now and The goblin situation is taken care of right? So Wow He's been spending his free time looking for shit on the internet to do. Uh, you know, following leads because he thinks that he needs to be a fucking monster hunter. Have you been fighting any monsters? Have you followed any leads on your own? Nope. And he asked Jane and Jane's like, nope, we don't got shit for you. Oh, he's tough. Things are, you know, money's tight. Sure. Why you the economy, man. You know what? Why don't you roll plus tough because everything's been tough.
00:11:54
Speaker
Um, just to see how they try this, you know, um, just because you've been, you still been working, you still been looking,
Chaotic Race Start
00:12:00
Speaker
try, you've been trying to hustle, right? Well, he got a nine. and nine so That's two experience points just for like staying on the grind, trying to find work, staying at that. He leveled up.
00:12:08
Speaker
Nice, nice. Okay. And then one and one more roll before you tell me what that is. ah Why don't you roll just like a general plus cool because I feel like you would need to handle all that anxiety of not having work. He fails that. So that's just one extra three total that you get for your rolls. Oh, okay. Yeah.
00:12:27
Speaker
So, yeah, that's what what does it look like when he fails, though? Like, I mean, that you've just been very high strung the whole time, not knowing what to do with yourself. OK, like it's been an experience in and of itself to have to live with that anxiety for eight months, not knowing, like, am I working? Should I be working? Jane's got nothing. Like, have you? reach Yeah, he definitely has money. So oh yes, on an issue. but Have you worked has has ah Jay reached out to Jimmy Chang at all? Yeah, but Jimmy Chang is Jimmy Chang and he's like,
00:12:54
Speaker
I don't know, man, just like chill. Just because you're David and you also play Luke, Jimmy Chang, a Smith. What can we get a peek into what Jimmy Chang has been doing over the past like year since he pretty much let Jay Proto take over.
00:13:08
Speaker
Yeah, I'll tell you what he's with doing but she's been He's been been minding his own fucking business. OK, you know what? That's that's a very ah David and Luke chibi answer. um I appreciate that. um Thanks. Thanks. you um I'm going to change playbooks to be the same as. ah My hero. Oh, that's great. I love that. That's guess fucking badass because yeah jack Jack is gone. ah So what is Jack?
00:13:37
Speaker
Uh, what is checks my book the hard case, uh, not the new one the old day original version The hard case for this is original. All right. Wow. Okay. That's fucking awesome That is very very cool. How do I keep my I mean like I just start over, right? Can I keep my old psychic abilities, though? I would say, yeah, I mean, I don't know why you would lose them um unless you want to try this change. But I would say you could trade if you want to trade some abilities for new abilities. That way you're not starting back at like ground zero or levels. OK, I was thinking I was thinking like. ah So like me to if your hero makes a role, you can copy what they did, right? Right. I don't have that all right.
00:14:21
Speaker
And I can make you look good. So it's like, can I just to get rid of those two abilities? Yeah. And then you want to trade those for other abilities instead? Yeah. Just treat like building the hard case like you would if you were building it for the first time, like pick all the base shit that it tells you to and the base skills that it tells you to. And then just add two more. Yeah. Yeah, I would say that that's fair. I would say that's fair. OK, so then I'll just add. I'm not going to worry about weapons and gear and stuff because whatever that's the same. Yeah.
00:14:48
Speaker
Oh, I changed. I hadt changed pit playbooks in roll 20 and it just gave me it kept all of the improvements there. Oh, great. That's awesome. yeah You know, in the same spot. But no, it's like they're they're in the same spot. Oh, oh, shit. So it's just checked them off. OK. So can you still pick your other skills to the hard case, though? ah Let's see. Yeah. Well, you know what? Go ahead and just fuck around with that. Figure out the best you can. Like just add it however you need to. Like or write it, fill it in however you need to. um I wouldn't sweat it too hard.
00:15:18
Speaker
Um, we'll figure it out, but
Tactical Maneuvers and Teamwork
00:15:20
Speaker
I think that's really, really cool. Take an extra experience point, just cause I think that's really fucking cool that he's doing that. It's a great transition for Jay. Um, all right, cool. All right. So it's been a little while. Jack laser is not responsive. Everett has been making, you know, some money on the side and Jay proto has been like, just trying to like be the best he can be with no work. Um, and he got a new apartment, which is pretty great.
00:15:44
Speaker
Um, okay. Oh, I should ask one more thing for Jay. Have you been sending your goons on any sort of like missions or do you hang out with them? Do they come over? Like, have you heard from them that much? Cause you're kind of their boss. Yeah. Whatever the main guy was, he checks in about last Johnson, every two weeks by us. Johnson calls about once every two weeks as for work. And I say,
00:16:05
Speaker
I could use something from the store or something. It was like twelve fucking warriors that show up to the store to get your shit and like magic dash it over to you through a magic spell. Yeah, but they're like cool. They like. Yeah, I mean, they're their own. people They're their own person. You know, each and every one of them are individuals. Right. Right. What names what is your squad called? What do you call them?
00:16:26
Speaker
That's a great question, because like, yeah, because ever Blake Johnson, it's I mean, I just the goons. what Yeah, I mean, they can just be called the goons because ah like they've been getting a lot of like public. ah um What's the word I'm looking for? Public acknowledgement, um publicity, because like they've been building schools like when they don't have work from you, when he checks in, they're like in other states building schools and then they go or they're renovating schools that are like dilapidated and shit.
00:16:52
Speaker
Um, so like when they're bored, they just go build schools. Cause that's just what they decided to do. Okay. That's great. Yeah. so perfect Like they're out there doing good and everything every now and then blast Johnson goes, Hey man, we're about to build a school down here in Alabama. Do you want to come?
00:17:09
Speaker
no
Explosive Race Confrontations
00:17:10
Speaker
All right, man, just check it in. Love you. just Love you too. That's an example conversation. Yeah, pretty much. good template they call you I like it weird huh it took inspired guesswork. Once per mystery, when you observe a monster in action, you may investigate a mystery to discover its powers, motivations, or weaknesses. Awesome. And come get some. You can challenge your foes to fight you alone. Maybe in words, or maybe just by being the biggest and baddest on the team.
00:17:35
Speaker
has he been working out at all to get muscles or is he still just like a little dude no dude he's just he's been going to the shooting range oh nice okay very good i like that right on he's getting hard i love it um all right cool so eight months passes all the stuff's been going on you guys get a like a notification out in your discord server you see like a few other like affordable people have joined the server over the past eight months, like doing like miscellaneous work or chiming in looking for work. um And then you guys get get a ping out like, hey, who wants a job. um And Blake Johnson, like, I'm sorry, not not Blake, like dancer ah pings out to ah
00:18:16
Speaker
several of you saying like, Hey, I think you might be a good fit for this role. Um, and then he, uh, he jumps in the voice chat and waits to see who, who jumps in with him. Jay immediately jumps in. Okay. Um, I guess I don't know what to call you anymore, Justin, because you're, because you're not Jack laser anymore. What do I call you? Or do you want to wait until your entrance to tell me who you are?
00:18:40
Speaker
Also Everett, same thing. You can update it. Yeah. There are my name over there. I, um, Oh yeah. i guess I see. I see it now. I forgot. Uh, a guy, I got, was where do we, what do we, what do we, we video call, right? on Yeah. You guys video call. Um, I guess Jay, you're you're on there and I guess, uh, Blake sees, um, uh, a guy come on with like a little a black mustache and like, uh, short black hair. And he's, uh, got like residual, like he he's a white guy with your residual, like white.
00:19:09
Speaker
Like mime leg makeup on his face, but like not like he's just just more like it looks very He looks like the Joker at the end of the movie when he's like he's been all the shit's been going down But our but at the the office base the meta is he used to be a mime and in a circ in a carnival or whatever And it's just it's just stuck on him now. He can't get like a little bit a little bit of it off It's like on his cheek and his chin and his shit and like, you know um And he says oh we
00:19:34
Speaker
All right, you must be one of the new guys. Hang on just one second. Everett, Everett, are you there, sweetheart? Of course I'm here. I'm always here. Oh, there you are. Oh, hey, sorry. Just use my screens. go I got to get my laptop fixed.
00:19:48
Speaker
So how's, how's everyone doing? Good. You know, it's just a, you fed an ad back here. He's got a co-op going on. And so like, I just, I just didn't want, him you know, it's a like fucking too crazy up in your ears. So I'm so sorry that I was like a little quiet there for a minute. I've been wonderful. You know, I've been, um, making a business for myself. So I've been doing really good, really good. How have you been doing Blake?
00:20:15
Speaker
I'm good. Actually, I put it in order for one of your little, uh, your little, um, stuffy swords that you guys are knitting. That's so fucking and cool. Sorry. Apologies again. Hello. Do you have like some lag on your end there, Pierre? Uh, no, pardon you. know you i should and I was wondering if you're going to be able to keep this up. Uh, maybe, uh, no, you know, I, it's hard to get in with new group of people. and So.
00:20:47
Speaker
Yeah, right. Well, typically, you know, you know, there might be some lag, a little bit of over chatter, but listen, oh, wait, hang on. Jay. Jay, you're good, bud. You look like you're a little strung up. You okay? Where's, where's Jack? I haven't heard from him in over.
00:21:03
Speaker
Six months. All right. Well, to be honest, we haven't gotten a whole lot either. He just kept like ignoring calls. Um, I don't know, Justin, you can tell me like, if anytime like Blake dancer reached out to him, like, has Jack said anything or, or, or you he probably just like, said, I'm like a boat emoji or like at Lake. All right. So all I know is he's out of like somewhere and, uh, he's on boats and, uh, not really sure, but like he made out like a bandit recently and I've, you know, I gotta keep moving on, but that's why I brought more people in. And everyone, this is Pierre. Pierre, do you want to introduce yourself a little bit to your new team? ah mean we I am Pierre Robert de la Mer. What did you just say? I am French, sorry. Oh, o hello.
00:21:59
Speaker
Hello. ah I think you said his name is... Pierre Robert de laver. Right. Robert. Pierre Robert. Right. Yeah. I can't get behind him. I mean that. Right. Well, we don't have any sort of.
00:22:20
Speaker
Contract for intermingling with our teammates. So I mean have fun with that my space. Oh, and by the way, I was I was thinking my guy a crowbar But I want want to give him a sock full of coins as a weapon Because I know and I want to if if I can't would you allow me to reflavor? I have a ability I'll put up here called negligible price where I can make deals with people blah blah blah and they're supposed to tell me a secret but instead can I say put the coin in the Sock and I will give you a deal i don't be Sure. that's that's all i get that's how i gets coins my suck Sure. You'll just have to explain that to me each time ah you can make a magical little fulfill a desire for someone else. The price is that they reveal to you a secret. Oh, I see. OK, got it. So you're playing the spooktacular, right? Yes. OK, that's your class. OK, so that's like a magic based one kind of kind of flesh. I don't know. That's one of the newer ones, right? Maybe. I don't remember.
00:23:14
Speaker
neith All right. So, so he's like, all right, listen, uh, Pierre, welcome aboard. Uh, you got some big shoes to feel, uh, in the name of Jack laser. Cause I don't know where the fuck he went. Um, but look, I don't know if you all have heard of Jack B. Swift, right? But he put out like a, he, you guys might've already seen the stories online.
00:23:35
Speaker
But Jack B Swift has issued a big old challenge to every hero, villain, aspiring villain and hero, wannabe minions, sidekicks, whatever, to race in Death Valley, California, but like the cool part of Death Valley. And the prize is you win the country of Greenland. Readjustly purchase an auction for real fucking cheap. All right.
00:23:58
Speaker
You can do whatever you want with it. You can sell it, make millions of billions of dollars. Right. And I think it'd be a really good way for us to kind of say, hey, we're going to save Greenland from the baddies. Right. But the thing is, it's called Murder Cross. And they want you to drive like murder cycles. So you guys kind of have to like get one, use your money or get your one tricked out somewhere. Because you have to go race and you have to be the first one to cross the finish line and drink from the root beer oasis there. Whoever does that first wins Greenland. Did you say we are going to rice? Rice?
00:24:31
Speaker
Eat the rice. We're gonna rice. We are going to ri rice. We're rice. Rice, hang on, let me do my American accent. This is this sounds very fun. Race. Oh, it'll be fun, but also lately.
00:24:46
Speaker
You're laughing at my American exit do that again, please Which part? where you go Let me do it in my American accent, and then you go all hang on I just want to make sure I see that right that way you don't think I'm saying rice like what you eat It's my mere. It's rice like hang on my mere connects in his arm race You're going to go and you're going to participate in a motorcycle race. Got it? Are you using the AI? No, I'm not using AI. i just I mean, AI is in my language. When you race, you're going to race. Just go race some motorcycles and win, okay?
00:25:26
Speaker
Oh yeah, I got the perfect motorcycle for this. I just made a new- Do you realize? With like all of my um, monies that we got lately and it is so beautiful you guys. Oh my god, you're gonna love it.
00:25:42
Speaker
Well, that's fantastic. Well, right. Well, you know, if you guys want to like ride together, front seats, back seats, side car, get your own fucking bike, whatever it is. Hey, I get, um, Pierre, do they have motorcycles or are you coming from? Uh, there is little, um, uh, little scooters people ride around. They have, they have what? Little scooters.
00:26:08
Speaker
Littelskootelz? What's that? You park it on this sidewalk or um somewhere near a shop and then you can go into shop and park it to wherever you want. Right, is that like a motorbike or like a bicycle? It is like a Littelskootelz. A Littelskootelz? I don't know what you're saying Mike, do you have motorcycles or not? Probably yes, but I know a Littelskootelz.
00:26:35
Speaker
ah yeah you are you we are we supply chains We are European. our Our vehicles are very small. Especially in France. Like Mr. Bean's little car that he drives? Right. Cool. Anyways, so just go and procure yourself a motorbike of some sort. Maybe ah let the Al scoot the out, like Pierre's talking about. And then make sure that you go and you fucking win the race. Okay?
00:27:05
Speaker
We just need like just a second of you guys doing the let the elves go down. now How am I going to get my speed air or whatever bike I'm going to steal to be a, how you say, merder bike? Just go get one, Mike. Go make one, break one, steal one. I'm not going to mechanics.
00:27:28
Speaker
Well, it sounds like a you problem. like Maybe you can ride on the back of Iveritz or something. All right. Well, like actually, i um I did have a motorbike with sidecar as my vehicle, but I changed it to a van because I thought a van would be funny. But I am changing back to motorcycle because I wanted to go, ah fuck, how does this day like Kanye Vale musical?
00:27:45
Speaker
ah
00:27:50
Speaker
That's my American singing. I have a motorcycle. ah Thank you for asking. and Why are you putting your emphasis on all those weird syllables, Mike? This is how we talk. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry, everybody who listens in France. I think we've got like two people. and Sorry. And the one that listens in Australia. This is accurate accent. Have you not seen Pink Peter, Martin Stewart, Steven? Yes, this American actor. Right.
00:28:27
Speaker
Ambergau. Right. Ambergau! Are you heavy, motorcycle? It has a sad car attached if someone does not want to ride their own motorcycle. If they ask you. Alright. Hey, Jay. Jay, do you got a motorbike there, bud? Well, uh, up until, uh, 10 minutes ago I didn't, but now I have one. You have a motorbike? Where'd you get it? Yeah, uh, the goons. The boys. Thanks boys. They just brought it over. Yeah, big boy.
00:28:57
Speaker
Your boys brought you a bike, eh? What kind of bike you got? Yeah, they brought it. It's some kind of like dirt bike thing. It's a Honda. A Honda? I don't know. Yeah. Right. Has it got any guns on it? I mean, the best bikes. I got these guns, and he pulls out his various weaponry that he's collected. All right, man. Man, you're taking right after Jack. It's almost like he's still here with us. May he rest in peace? I mean, if he's dead. I don't know. He's still here? He's still here? No, I mean, it's like you're dead?
00:29:26
Speaker
He could be. I don't know. I haven't heard from him in weeks. Well, we got to find him. I mean, why is he like trying to get hold of him besides like sending him a text every now and then? Right. I mean, I've tried to call, but like he just sends me pictures of boats. Okay. Well, I'm going to text Jack in it and see if I get a yeah picture of a boat back. Okay.
00:29:48
Speaker
Does he get a picture of a boat? What does he get back? Justin? Um, yeah. you Well, actually I get a video. Um, and he's, he's like, he's like, Jay, how's it going? Sorry, i again you I don't get a lot of this reception out here. He's like, wait a minute. I've been out here in the lake. I you know i got i got like i got a lot of money on all those things we did. So I'm just like chilling. So I'm not going to be doing jobs for a while. And ah oh, shit. And then the phone falls in the water. Oh, no.
00:30:15
Speaker
but Well, he sent it, so it must be fine. so was that a Was that an Andy Bernard office reference, Justin? No, I just thought it'd be funny if he had liked it. He's like, oh shit, oh shit. Oh, thank goodness. It's still working. Uh, Jay, I'm okay. and He says he's fine. those whole thing slices he's fine it's fair yeah I'm so glad to hear it. He's just having himself a little vacation. All right. Good for him. Um, all right. Well, you have Pierre deal.
00:30:44
Speaker
Robert, what's, Robert, what's your name? Pierre? Pierre, you have Pierre? Oui. Oh, sorry, oui. You have oui. And then you have... No, you fool. My name is Pierre. Fuck, man. Just tell me what your name is. I never learned how to say yes in American. You just said it. Oh. In. Just say yes. There you go. That's a good American accent right there, bud.
00:31:11
Speaker
um Alright buddy boys, listen, just go and uh, your destination's uh, Death Valley, California, but the cool part, just ask around, they'll tell you where to go. Um, and uh, just make sure you get there by tomorrow morning, cause that's when the death ray starts. And what I would recommend, make sure that you got your weapons, trick out your vehicles if you can, you know, get any sort of little side widgets and gizmos and gadgets, cause it's pretty much gonna be like fucking Mario Kart there, but deadly.
00:31:38
Speaker
So, um, yeah. Okay. Well, I have this, I mean, this like six, six barreled shotgun or whatever should be fine. That's fucking great, man. Hey, didn't you get that from your girlfriend? Uh, what the fuck did you just fucking say about me, little bitch? Right. that Oh man, I dropped my phone in the water. Fuck.
00:32:01
Speaker
Anyways, Jay is taking a plane down there. I don't know how he's going to get the bike, but it shows up. You can have Sierra. You can you can have your goons do it. They can just teleport it there. They have wizards in your. Oh, yeah, that's right. I just teleport down there with all my shit. Yeah, you have. I think Jaguar was one of the was the the enchantresses that you have. um I'm pretty sure that was her name was Jaguar. So like Jaguar can just like fucking like send all your shit there and you. Right, Jaguar. What's the what's the main guy's name that you came up with? Blast Johnson.
00:32:29
Speaker
He's coming with me. Bless. John's is going to come with you. okay He's got his own bike and everything. He's going to ride too. I thought he's going to ride your sidecar. Nah, we're not doing that. All right. Cool. So he's going to get a sidekick. He gets straight. right so he has like He's not going to ride bitch. Okay. So before we get started with the race.
00:32:48
Speaker
do you guys want to tell me like we can just say like between like Jay's goons or like some goblins that you know like Jack laser has goblins that we was friends with ever it's like a really good mechanic if there's any other out fittings and trappings that you want to put on your vehicles like there's like a little station outside of like where the race starts where like you can get your shit tricked out. So like, if you want to add anything to it to say you have it, or just say that you did it but keep it a secret what you did because you can make up whatever you want. I don't care. um Like whether it's like rocket boosters, teleportation, guns, fucking a nuclear bomb somewhere hidden in a compartment like whatever it is that you wanted to be middle machine guns not to think like twisted metal meets Mario Kart.
00:33:33
Speaker
Oh, Everett's already got all of that ready to go on her. She is ready. I guess that's true. You do have like a whole ass arsenal that fits in like a little pocket dimension. Yeah. And um the way that she designed her motorcycle, like you know that she went all out on that shit if you just look at it. So like, ah do you want me to describe her motorcycle? OK, so um it's like ah it looks like a Indian motorcycle from I want to say probably the early 90s, that style. um And then of course it is painted in a beautiful iridescent paint. um And there's wings at the handlebars and then it's got like, it it's kind of almost like it ah resembles a Pegasus.
00:34:26
Speaker
Um, so it's got like pretty glitter, um, paint in the paint with, um, it that looks kind of like, it's got like a main that comes up off the front of the, like the light on the front. And, um, of course she has to have the pretty, um, like almost looks like a tail that comes off the rear. And has a deal yeah, yeah ah it it's not, um, flimsy at all. Like it will hurt you if you like come in contact with it. No, it's like spiky and sharp. nice So like yeah, it's like a flail. So you don't want to rear end this motorcycle. You might not survive.
00:35:13
Speaker
Yeah. Right on. All right. ah ah Pierre, it's so hard not to call you Jack. Pierre, what does your bike look like? Did you check it out? No, he doesn't know how. He guy he comes in. In your ear. And he got whatever the lamest little bike you can imagine is. It sounds like long, big-ass side mirrors are like a square. It's like a little moped with big mirrors on it. Not not quite a moped, because that's a I feel like I'm going to touch a side car to a moped. So it's like a little lame motorcycle, not like a cool Harley or a cool like speedster thing or whatever. i It's like a little lame thing. And it goes and it doesn't go. It doesn't do music. It she goes in your ear. um It's just ah it's like it's like blue. Is is blue blue. OK. Well, am I getting the upgrade to kill people with my back?
00:36:05
Speaker
Your accent is all over the place. It's okay. You don't know what part of France I am from. It's true. I am from the Western France. Who has ever met a French person in their life? No one. I will see Mr. Bean.
00:36:22
Speaker
Yeah. um So, yeah, you see you see a lady walks up. She's got like rainbow ah ponytails. She has a double ponytail. She walks up. She's got like a red leather jacket on. Ah, you are lady from my phone. Or is this Everett or is this somebody else? No, it's not Everett. It's a different person. Ah, lady from my phone.
00:36:41
Speaker
Well, I mean, I do have an only fan, so yeah, you probably might have found that if that's what you're talking about. Thank you for being a fan. um I will say my subscriber rates are going up next month because of the cost of living out here in California. Kind of sucks. but Anyway, hey, you're looking for some upgrades on that little. I guess if you want to call it a motor, what is that? What is that? Like a little dirt bike? this is What do you see is Deborah? She is my chariot.
00:37:07
Speaker
Oh, OK, cool. do You want you want me to put some fun stuff on it? ah Yes, I am here for the murder bike. So whatever you can give me to murder people. What do you want? You like she like she flicks her like fingers up in the air like she's getting ready to do surgery like where like they go to get scrubbed up. And like as she does that, you see just like rainbow dust like flies off her fingernails. She says, just tell me what you want, baby. I got it. And i I'm I'm allergic to rainbows. Oh, well, you're going to be real fucked around me, buddy.
00:37:37
Speaker
Wow. Well, please do not put any any rainbows on my bike. Keep it blue, please. Um, but like a machine gun, um, AR 15, if you have it, this is America. I figured you do, um, you know, right like a bomb. A bomb. What kind of bomb?
00:37:54
Speaker
Big bomb, little bomb, grenade bomb bomb that kill kill people, you know. Now you want to kill people, Bob? OK. Got it. Got it. Maybe maybe ones that will like explode and they like, you know, spikes come out of it and stab people in their faces and body. Michael, hey, you know what? Let's just do this like like purgatory. I would like to give you I'm going to give you a sheet here and then you just put a checkmark and all the stuff that you want and I'll make it happen. OK. OK, this is great.
00:38:21
Speaker
All right, cool. All right, excellent. I am not seeing some of these things I am thinking of. Should I write in? Yeah, just write it in. It's okay. Just write it in like you're writing in a vote. Okay, very good. And this is will mean in the meta of the game, I will just have these things that I want.
00:38:35
Speaker
Yes. Excellent. We.
00:38:41
Speaker
oh ah Yeah. And so she goes over and she like kind of kicked up some more of that kind of rainbow dust from her fingernails. And it just like very gently starts like tracing her fingers, her fingernails across your, it looks like she's scratching your bike, but what she's doing is like just enchanting it with like her magic nails. And as she just kind of like scrapes all around it, you can just see like,
00:39:01
Speaker
Like, like for a brief moment you see like these kind of illusory um affectations of like what you asked for kind of show up for a second and they kind of like remit like dematerialize like into your bike and you see like a couple of consoles like show up like on your where your're your Like in between like we're like your, uh, why can't I think of the word handlebars? Fuck. I couldn't think of a handlebars is in my life. I didn't think of fucking Hulk Hogan, stupid mustache. You think of the word handlebars. Um, so valid so like, so you, so yeah, like there's like a couple of consoles between the handlebars and a couple of buttons that are like on the handlebars themselves. And you see like a couple of like little kind of like extra pedals to like kick off certain shit is like down by where your feet are. Um, that you can kind of kick on. She says.
00:39:45
Speaker
All right, baby, have fun. And um just remember, the bigger the button, the bigger the boom. Okay. I may see. ah Yeah, she's over. young Marcy. Marcy, this guy wants to talk to you. Marcy. He's like, no, he's just getting on by his bike. He doesn't even know what they're talking about. You see just like this, like, like the sexy dwarven lady, like scantily clad with like a sign that says, like,
00:40:08
Speaker
Like go go go swift or some shit like that she goes, oh man, I thought finally somebody was hitting on me for once. Wait, hold on a second. thing turns of like Oh, hi, I'm Marcy. You said you want to talk to me? ah Yes, i I am very much liking to talk to you, but I'm not wanting to act it out so much because I'm going to get very in the wrong shape.
00:40:29
Speaker
but All right, well, let's just say that I give you my phone number, sweetie. You just call me whenever you want to have a good time. Ah, yes. Well, actually, would you like to come behind this podium and maybe we have some private time? ah Yes, ah we will. Jay starts the conversation and just kicks fucking hair in the face. ah j you block This is closest thing to a French woman I have seen in this country for a long time.
00:40:59
Speaker
i don't think you're french look at how much hair she has ah hu
00:41:06
Speaker
i don't think yes Marcy like picks you up and just like fireman's carries you behind the podium. I see you cannot stop alive so Okay, well the the race is literally starting when he pulls himself around the around the bend and like the the li they're behind like he's like getting dragged away by like a monster he's like Jay, do you have any
00:41:35
Speaker
Nevermind, it's okay. I do not like them anyway. I was going to say, you see, you see, you see Marcy pulls out like a, Marcy pulls out like a hefty, a hefty bag and just wraps it around you and just pulls you. I am going where no man is going before. She says hefty, hefty, hefty.
00:41:51
Speaker
um Plenty of men have been there. I will hold my brace. Plenty of men have been there.
00:41:58
Speaker
so Jay, do you get your bike- Not that that's a bad thing. Jay, do you get your bike tricked out at the little garage before you- It's already tricked out. It's already tricked out, okay. It's got good tires. It's fast. Pass inspection. Light weight.
00:42:12
Speaker
i If start seniors a good bike, it's already ready to go. All right, cool. Same with, uh, um, what's his last Johnson's bike blast run. Yeah. Ron Johnson, whatever. I'll write it in the chat so you can see it last Johnson. Um, right. So blast Johnson got his own little bike. He kind of, he kind of nudged you a little bit because he has boss. I got to tell you, I've only written this thing like a couple of times since we got it. So I'm a little out of my element here. So I hope we don't disappoint you boss.
00:42:43
Speaker
Huh? What? You're not going to disappoint me, man. Are you sure? High five, dude. Yeah. And he does like a high five. How about one of these two? And he does a little pound it, you know? Oh, nice. You see like a little meter above his head fills up for like loyalty. Great. Here's a hundred bucks. It goes up all the way to like level five. He's like, Oh damn, boss. Thank you, boss. Shit, boss. Yeah. Yeah. Brian was the most efficient way to level up characters in oblivion. So yeah. Oh damn. Thank you so much, boss. Uh, yeah, I'll die for you.
00:43:13
Speaker
You want me to? Don't want to run over me? No, no. What the hell did I come from? Sorry, I just have some bad inner thoughts in it. You know, getting therapy is hard because it's so expensive, but I'm going to use this money you gave me to get it, boss. Okay. We'll be just going to win this race, man. That's all I care about. Oh yeah, we got to go home in Greenland. I'm excited, boss. Yeah.
00:43:35
Speaker
Yeah, you got to win Greenland, I guess. OK, yeah. All right, Jay, you see someone step up on the like a big old um and they're like, hell you know what, they helicopter and you see like this like big ass fucking like godly colored like just like weirdly like fucking bright ass flashy helicopter fly in and you see a um a ladder drops down and you see somebody drop out and everybody knows that it's Jack B Swift. In your head, Jay, what do you think Jack B Swift looks like? I have no like imprint or blueprint in my head for what this dude looks like.
00:44:15
Speaker
Oh, he looks like Jack laser. He looks like Jack laser. Yeah. Enough for like Jay to do. Like, you know, like he rubs his eyes, like, you you and then like, know Oh, he's got like the big hair and like the big jacket and everything. like yeah some Same age, same everything. oh i yeah Same first name.
00:44:34
Speaker
and he says, Hey, it's I, Jack v. Swift. Plus, here's the deal. I have acquired Greenland really cheap on auction. And all of you are here to win it. And everybody goes, Greenland, Greenland, Greenland. And then And then he says, let's meet our contestant, shall we? And then like you see like like a big old drone like starts flying around, and you see like a big Titan Tron drops out of fucking nowhere. And like it's showing like all the different people, and it shows you guys on screen it says, we've got the affordable. Say hi. um
00:45:09
Speaker
Jay shoots the drone. well yeah oh ah That was really expensive. So let's start the race, dumbass.
00:45:24
Speaker
You know what? I like the way you think. You're swift. You're swift just like me. All right. First one to the Root Beer Oasis to take a drink wins Greenland. Three, two, one. And then... Jay goes before one. Jay goes before one? Hell yeah. You guys, I like your style, kid.
00:45:45
Speaker
um And, uh, okay, so you pedal, you hit the, you hit the gas first and you rev it up. Um, so you know what, go ahead and let's, uh, fuck. I actually don't have any mechanics for like how this race should work. Um, so you know what, let's call it a cool roll. Um, you know, I have to see if like, when you try to have none of make make sure you didn't burn out when you try to go, you're all the six out. you yeah yeah You tried to go at one and they're like, you picked up like so much fucking smoke around you with like shit that like everybody around you just like in like a ah shroud.
00:46:17
Speaker
Everett gets a 13 cool, so she just like but she's been writing it. Yeah, Everett. Yeah, you see ah you see Blast Johnson like he's like you hear him like but like, yeah, right here. What a smoke is. And then you see just like Jaguar shows up and just creates like a gust of wind and blows all the smoke away from you. She says any time, boss. And then like she vanishes into like an ethereal dimension um and a blast. It's like, I got you, boss. Let's go, Boston. Like he takes off ahead of you.
00:46:46
Speaker
um Uh, uh, Pierre, I keep forgetting what your name is. Pierre, what is your opening move when the, uh, so ever it's like peering off into the front right away. Um, what do you do? Um, well, Pierre is, he's, I guess I didn't say I was there for the camera thing. I was gonna say I was running back from getting my head shoved into the dwarven woman's vagina, but he's still a little lightheaded from all that. So he's like, he's people, he, uh,
00:47:10
Speaker
When we read the piggy, push, push back the handle and he he goes for it and he stops. He's like, boom, when he starts going, I get a modest little pace like. dr OK, you see like as you're driving along, ah ah Pierre, you see there's like a.
00:47:30
Speaker
a couple of like red hooded figures that are driving alongside you and they're like kind of honking at you and they have like big ass like American flags with like a big like red stripe like down from corner to corner on it. And it as you hear them kind of yelling like, Hey, freak, go back to your country. You don't need Greenland. It's going to be ours. 51st state. Here we come. America. Hello. Where are you from?
00:47:55
Speaker
I am Frosh. You're Frosh? That's a stupid name. good I am Frosh. Oh, God, he's a Frenchie. And then, like, you see, like, they're like, all right, he's going to be our first one. And you see ah there's like two guys like on the same bike that one's riding in the back and one like leans back and presses on a button and like out from like the wheels comes like a big old like like little spear with like spikes on it. And like he starts like moving it towards your wheels and goes, let's take out this Frenchie real quick, because we hate those guys. Little bad guy eating freaks.
00:48:25
Speaker
that What do you say? look z but's sit long um so What do you do? They're going to try to take you out. um I'm going to I'm going to hold a my right hand out towards him as soon as he said there on my right side. Right. I hold my right hand out towards him and I just start like wax on wax offing with it. I want to try and do magic and make a make a wall there. Invisible wall. OK, go ahead. and Was that plus weird for you?
00:48:52
Speaker
Or is that charm? I don't remember what that was. I'm just doing use magic. Okay. See how that'd be plus weird. Okay. So you're gonna try to make a wall. That's a 10, buddy. It goes off without a hitch. So you create, like, an invisible wall, like like ah like a material wall, like a magical wall. Yeah, like Mr. Mime might do in Pokemon. Yeah, so you build a wall. I love that. That's fucking killer as hell. And then they go, like, pierce your wheel, and then they hit off the wall, and he goes, ah, fuck, you built the wall. That's our thing. and i Fuck. And I go back to my Mime roots. i My Mime roots, I do, like, he does, like, a little, like, purse lips, and he puts his hand up to his lips, like, ooh.
00:49:24
Speaker
i mean and i put my hands off to off the handle bars i like i do i mime crying And i then I say, Viva la France! And I um i press the button and a guillotine comes out of my side of my thing. Oh, fuck! Oh my god. Hell yeah. A guillotine in what way? How does it come out of your car? Like a full-on guillotine? It like sort of comes out like a go-go gadget because like it our bikes are the same height, so like it comes out horizontally on a little arm and it raises up so it's head height to them and it shoots out a gadget. Oh, fuck.
00:49:57
Speaker
And then two arms open up around their necks and close off around their necks like they're in a little stuck aid. It's so stupid and funny. Oh, my God. That's great. I love it. You know, I'm going to make you roll for it. I'm just saying their cap is have been dictated from their bodies.
00:50:13
Speaker
Um, that's fucking great. Did you just see that? He just fucking decanted two men or whatever. I don't know how many guys your ear ear that bre she is like something. Yes. The hell is with this guy? You, you got me. I don't know. Mid sentence. Jay is just like shooting people in the face. Uh, yeah. And just like killing people. Roll some kicks and ass rolls to kind of see what your, what your body counts looking like.
00:50:42
Speaker
As you're s scooting around and and eight for that. So it I got eight kills and eight. You killed eight people and they're all on unicycles, like rocket powered unicycles. And you just take them out. it's true Can't believe you just killed two people. That was crazy. He's like, I can't believe that guy killed two people as he's like shooting people off their bikes. Thank you. Yes, exactly. Thank you. It's like, God, God, what a what an animal.
00:51:09
Speaker
Yeah, she's totally being sarcastic as she's seen. That's insane. She's like reaching over to like turn on her little light because the light on like, ah you know, the front um like the light. If she turns it on, it shines a rainbow laser. Oh, fuck. A rainbow laser. Oh, yeah. You know what? Roll a kick some ass roll with your rainbow laser to see what you hit with it. OK.
00:51:39
Speaker
I think that's awesome. Rainbow laser for the win. Oh, no no, that's a six. that That rainbow laser. You know what? It does. It does take out some people, though. It just leaves like some debris in your way so they don't like fall off to the side like in an action movie. Like you later, some people and like half their fucking bike disappears, but there's just a bunch of rubble in front of you now that you have to get around. So roll plus cool and tell me how you're going to get around it. All right.
00:52:04
Speaker
You're like, oh, God, that's how they both know a 12. So what does it look like when you how did you how do you get over or around the rubble that like materializes in front of you? So because I have thought of this ahead of time, I don't know why I had this idea thinking that I it was going to end up needing to fly. So with the wings that are on the front of her handlebars, right, she sees the debris out in front of her. So she has a special button that she pushes on like the where she ah the the throttle. ah Sorry, um
00:52:39
Speaker
trying to remember all the different parts of the motorcycle so i'm right next to her throttle there is a button that has like a pegasus picture on it i'm just like the outline and so she pushes it and all of a sudden some wings activate and come out and she just soars over the debris.
00:52:59
Speaker
Beautiful. So majestic as like a rainbow laser comes out of the front of you as you fly over top of it. So majestic. Airplanes crash around you as you fly up and dodge this and you just take out planes um and helicopters. And you know what? It's okay. They weren't passenger planes. They were all like, they were there to fuck with you guys. And you inadvertently took them out with your sick jump. They were they were the ones that were trying to throw obstacles at us.
00:53:26
Speaker
That's true. They were going to they were going to be like little lack of twos and throw spikes in your way. i Very cool. All right. So um so, Jay, you're ah you're shooting unicycle people and then you see that there is somebody who has like a little it's like an ATV. They're not like technically on a motorcycle.
00:53:45
Speaker
But you see like a gang of ATV boys. Um, and, uh, they're doing like acrobatics jumping between each other's cars and stuff. Um, kind of Mad Max style, but without like the little, g the g, without the little gads gadgets, gizmos, gazmos is what I'm going to say. gabos And, um, they're like flipping between each other's stuff, and um, quads and stuff. And I'm trying to like, they're trying to like knock on your head and punch you and shit, like as they're jumping over your, your bike onto their other bike. So they have you surrounded two on each side. What do you do?
00:54:14
Speaker
I'm gonna hit the brakes and while I'm hitting the brakes, I'm gonna whip out the grenade launcher, shoot it right in front of me. Oh shit. Uh, that's really cool. Take a plus one to a kick some ass roll on that. I think that's cool as fuck. All right. Hell yeah. That's a good idea. I love that Jay's kind of like coming into his own a little bit. That'd be an eight. That's an eight. So yeah, you, you smashed the brakes. You fire your grenade launcher. Is it just like a standard explosive around your shooting? Yeah. My goal is to just basically hate whoever I can and if not kick up like a shitload of dust.
00:54:45
Speaker
Okay, yeah, you take out I'm gonna say three of the four like you see one guy's like halfway through flipping through the air and you just send like Viscera flying everywhere. He had no chance to survive that um Two of the other ATVs absolutely decimated the one that's left. It's just like ah fuck and it just like like does like a couple of donuts and like tries to peel off in the You know away from you because now they're afraid of you so now they're in they're leading you but you've killed three of the four and What else would you like to do? Um, I would like to dodge. I would like to not go into the own cloud of the cloud of dust that I kicked up. Okay. Yeah. I'd say that's easy. now You know, there's probably a, yeah, there's probably a bunch of, uh, destroyed bikes, body parts, rocks, whatever in there. So.
00:55:28
Speaker
Sure. Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. um So, yeah, you get around the debris, ah you come around. You know what? I'm going to put the put it in your in your court. Like what other kind of vehicles or types of people do you think you would see in this race? Because people from all over the fucking world that came here. Well, jesus I mean, to the I mean, on you know, on in front of me, you have you have the ATVs and then to the left, I would say you have three dune buggies. Oh, yeah. You got highlighted by people who legit are doing Mad Max cosplay. They are. ah You see one actually has like a like a like a doof cosplayer on top of it playing an electric guitar. It doesn't sound good because he's just a cosplayer, but he's still doing it anyway. So like the noise is like unbearable. Like when he strikes that chord from the dune buggies, it knocks somebody else off the track and into a pole, knocking the pole down, killing them instantly as we're driving alongside you. There's also legitimately a man who is having the blood sucked out of him. This is the vampire.
00:56:25
Speaker
Well, you know, it's because like in man and like that, oh you made a bad packs right? Yeah. Yeah. Like they legitimately have some guy who looks like Mel Gibson or whoever like tied to the, like tied to the, like the hood or some shit. Yes. Like literally like with, you know, an Ivy going out of him. Oh yeah.
00:56:44
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's quite graphic. um Do you tussle with those guys? Do you go after the ATV? Do you try to do something to get yourself further in the lead? um I'm getting, I'm hitting the gas. Alright, you hit the gas. Let's have you do another cool role to, um unless you can justify a different skill. I'm happy to improvise. I can't justify a different skill. Hitting the gas is cool.
00:57:02
Speaker
Yeah, it is. and That's a big fat 10. Absolutely. You peel off ahead and as you kind of zigzag between all these other cars and bikes and quads and shit, you see um you see that you've actually caught up to Blast Johnson, who is like owning up to his name. And he's like he has like a little handheld, like a grenade pistol, and he's just like thump, and then like just like taking people off their bikes and shit. yeah This is kind of fun. Hey, oh, hey, boss.
00:57:27
Speaker
it Yeah, this is a, uh, this is a blast. Oh shit. That's like my name. Fuck man. You're funny boss. I got to tell you, you know, if I wish you weren't so busy, I'd love to get more time with you. I'm having a time of my life today. Yeah. We'll have to do this again. Absolutely. Yeah. Let's go shoot some more people together. Yeah. Next time Greenland goes up for sale. Yeah. Hey, do you want to build a school with me after this? Uh, yeah, sure. Sweet. Uh, what do you want me to do boss? You want me to just keep going forward? You want me to go take out anybody?
00:57:57
Speaker
No, I mean, how are the other guys doing? And then we go to them. ah Yeah, let me look. And he pulls up his phone. There's like drone footage of the for of the race like live streaming. um And yeah, so we cut over to Pierre Robbeille or Delamere. What are you doing there, buddy?
00:58:18
Speaker
Uh, he is driving his bike. Um, he's going a little faster to now. He's like, boom we everyone driving along okay. Um, and he catches up to, um, some three, three grannies and in leather jackets. And there's, there's one there. They're swatting people with their purses as they drive by him. They call us the handbaggers. Get out of here, you whippersnapper. And they're like, they like combine all three of their handbags to together her to make like a big ass chain whip. And they're just like swinging it over at you.
00:58:48
Speaker
Ah, ladies! God, Frenchie! There is enough Pierre to go around! I'm Pierre already, I'm old! Ladies, maybe we should pull off to the side of the road and have a little fun together.
00:59:02
Speaker
I could go for some toast right about now. I'm gonna say they hit you for like one damage because they're hitting you with purses. like ki feel is driving a powerful vehicle And not as powerful as ours, bitch. And then you see like one of the grannies like jumps off of her vehicle and lets it crash, taking out a bike behind her. And she's standing like split legged across the other two grannies motorcycles. And she has like a fucking rocket launcher in her hand. She goes, eat shit and die, Frenchie. And she has a grenade launcher or ah a bazooka pointed at you. What do you do? I look at my handlebars again and I start swinging at invisible lasso. I love it. I'm going to use magic again.
00:59:49
Speaker
All right, you wield magic plus a weird at the granny 11. Oh, I'm so glad you got that. because She's about to fuck you up. And I get her and I'm like, oh, I start talking on it like I wasn't. Yeah, you throw the rope around her like her arms get like shackled. Do you grab her on the feet or do you last around the the torso? um Just yeah they're just a midsection. All right. So, yeah, you like tie your arms together so she can't hold the bazooka anymore. The bazooka like falls off there the cart.
01:00:14
Speaker
And I'm doing like a little like thing to do when they pull the rope and then ah am I i nice stop. Oh, it's taught. Yeah. I give her a good yank. She goes, Oh, fuck. I was two days away from a tire. And I look back and she just gets run over by a bunch of bla bikes. And she does. It turns out she was an android. You can see a bunch of robotic parts fly. No, there's the grand grand droids.
01:00:42
Speaker
These are robots? um so The grannies were. And I pat my ah my side and I find my invisible my invisible little quiver down there. And I pull out ah one.
01:00:53
Speaker
Two invisible spears. And I throw them at the other two grannies. You know what? If you make it cool, I won't even make your roll for it. Just tell me what it looks like. um ah With your bike. like as you're Like, are you moving around them? Are you getting up ahead of them? Or are you just, like, staying beside them? I'm just staying right alongside them. And I throw the the spears. And if it's cool enough, um one goes through the one granny's head. And you see a hole go through her head. But on the other side, you see the invisible mime spear covered in blood and brain. Oh, fuck. Yeah. But there's no brains. It's just circuitry. And that's right. yeah It's covered in oil and and and wires. It's a samurai jacket. And the other one cuts her tits off. Oh, no. That was where her CPU is. That's what a CPU is. But that's also where the nuke is. And you see, like a big explosion goes off, taking out about like 30 other vehicles that were driving past her. And I like a hell bomb was set off and hell i I'm fine.
01:01:52
Speaker
You're fine because you still have an invisible wall up that shielded you. um Thank goodness I forgot that was there. Yeah, and suddenly you hear the wall crumble so that it absorbs the brunt of that hell bomb explosion as it takes out. You see on your screen like it says like times 28 kills.
01:02:10
Speaker
um And ah yeah, you did that. Those are rookie numbers. I must pump those up. Yeah, you got to go full David and just kill everything. um So ah and then you see you see somebody else. ah You see like a ah clown rolls up beside you. He's got like a big old red nose, white paint on his face, like red and green hair.
01:02:31
Speaker
um And he goes, well, hey there, fellow clown performer, are you? You are a disgrace. I spit on you. Oh, thank
Battle with Clowns and Chaos
01:02:41
Speaker
you so much. But I don't do that during the day, only on my off times there, big guy. Then I wreck my bike up alongside his and I just grab his head and I just start smashing it against his hand of hers. Hit the clowns. Hey, hit the clowns.
01:02:59
Speaker
ah Here, get a hold of yourself. so yeah ja but by yeah I like, I, I, one time I smacked it off. i I come back with just as, just as his rainbow wig and I'm like, this is just a wig. It's fake. you Yeah. And what do you like? Every time you hit his face off, they hit him over here.
01:03:14
Speaker
which
01:03:18
Speaker
Jay, Jay pulls up next to the clown on the other side and then just like shoves the clown off. Oh, fuck. The clown like not falls back in his parachute pants light up and he's like floating up in the air back where he goes, Oh, my bike. Fuck. Jake gets on the clowns. He moves over to the clowns bike while holding onto of his own bike. So you're like, you're riding the clowns bike while holding onto your bike to guide it. Yes. That's fun. you're right into like He's like, Pierre, can we talk for a second? hello What's the this? This was wearing you, my friend. Look, man.
01:03:53
Speaker
That was awesome. thomas That's all. And then Jay gets back on his own bike and he lets the clown bike go and yeah. And it goes back and go and you see like the parachute pants like deflate and he lands back on his bike goes, Hey, thanks buddy. Um, and, uh, he's back on his bike, but like, he's like way farther back there. Now you've left him in the dust. Um, and, uh, yeah, that was a really nice moment. Oh, I should
Everett's Motorcycle Skills
01:04:17
Speaker
say ah Jay, didn't you say that you picked a move that starts at the beginning of mystery? I probably should've asked you about that.
01:04:23
Speaker
That is started. Does anybody have any started mystery? I keep forgetting to ask people that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. OK. I don't believe that I do. OK, cool. Just making sure because sometimes I forget to ask about those. OK, cool. So Everett, while that's going on, Everett, you're a little bit farther up ahead now, probably like maybe like about a quarter of a mile up ahead away from you. She's not in the lead. She's definitely in the lead. She has been doing really well and she's flying right now.
01:04:51
Speaker
um So um so what do you do? You're flying. um What other compet ah competitors do you see that are trying to like catch up to you? I feel like there's a. Rakushan just ah just seems to not leave my ass alone. So ah it's like, oh, pretty pony. It's all it sees is the ah the like horse kind of.
01:05:22
Speaker
modifications to it. And so she's going to try to get it to where she's right in front of them. And she's going to activate the tail portion of her rear end of her motorcycle. It is a very sharp sword um that she can materialize as a sword. Oh, shit.
01:05:45
Speaker
Yeah, she can like um hit the button on the right or I guess the left side of her handlebars and it activates just a it almost looks like a fan. So it just goes whooping. So she's going to wait until she's like right in front of them and she's going to slam on the brakes and then activate the tail. So she just slices them right in half.
01:06:09
Speaker
Oh fuck. Yeah, you see this rakashan's riding up on what looks like a motorized cat tree. Um, and he's like, and kind of like a little like monkey perching position, like on top of it, it looks like he's getting ready to jump off his cat tree onto your bike, but then you get in front of him, you stop. Uh, you know what, mate, let's make that a cool role. I think that sounds pretty fucking cool. Okay. Yeah. Oh, actually, you know what? I take it back. Let's make that a sharp role because your blade is very sharp. It is very sharp.
01:06:32
Speaker
12 that's a big fat 12. Yeah, he you just hear him in the back when he goes I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you real good I'm gonna take that sweet little back for myself cuz I really like that little unicorn And then like within like mid sense you get from sink then like his head rolls off his shoulders and you're like, oh man I was really gonna get you but fuck now I'm not gonna be able to get you on account. I don't got a head anymore. Fuck shit body get back here.
01:06:55
Speaker
um And ah yeah, you've eliminated that and then you see like missiles start flying from the air and they kind of explode around you and you can see what looks like a non-copyrighted like ah robot creature that can transform and ah eighted shows and it flies in like a little airplane to like shoot some rockets at you and then like just ah ah changes itself into like a a tall robot and it's running alongside you who says, you are not your own Greenland. It's big enough for me and my people. And it's like running alongside you and it like holds its left arm out at you and its massive fucking fist and on its wrist is like a big ass like laser beam that looks like it's warming up to shoot you. Okay. She is going to activate her Pegasus, um,
01:07:46
Speaker
flight. Not really. I'm not really fly okay. So not really flight. I'm trying to think of
Mime Magic and Mayhem
01:07:51
Speaker
a good way to describe what is in my brain. So it's like a damn it. My brain is like trying to explain what my mouth won't. Um,
01:08:08
Speaker
She actually you're flying. Yes, so flying. So she activates the button. OK, so the Pegasus flight is like it's like a supercharge. So she just like activates it. And next thing you know, like a just a sparkly rainbow dust just comes out the rear at the tail pipe.
01:08:27
Speaker
and just goes and then um She just rockets forward and you know never Like a booster loss. Yeah, basically that's thank you like like I couldn't like yeah some nitro. Yeah You just go and just like fire like like light speed forward, leaving them in the dust. And he transforms back into a into a plane and like activates like like sound barrier your speed. like And you guys, you and you and this ah transforming robot of sorts um leave everybody else in the dust for a brief moment because you guys jump ahead real far and you're rounding around where like you see a lot of desert, but also like some mountains in the background cresting.
01:09:09
Speaker
And you see you can hear him like scream from his plane form. And he goes, now. And then you see like a big, a big bright like shine of like 15 different colors of like lights light up in the like over the mountains in the background in the valley. And you just see like. And it's like probably like 15 different colors of laser just start like exploding around you. What do you do? She activates her Pegasus shield. Oh, the Pegasus shield. OK, cool. OK.
01:09:42
Speaker
Yeah. Roll plus weird for your Pegasus. That's weird, man. That's weird. Fuck. Six. I'm going to roll to help out by telling Pierre to help her out. You're going to roll that and tell Pierre to help out. I want to help out by rolling to tell Pierre to help out. All right. You know what? Roll plus cool to tell Pierre about Everett who's like, I want to, I want to, because I'm kind of next to Pierre, right? Right. I'm still next to him and I see this going on and I see the lasers that are, you know, I see like some threats and I'm,
01:10:13
Speaker
move. Okay. I am, I am, uh, leaning over here. Hey, look, pointing at Everett, like yeah you could do something. on not there you perform What? I am pointing at Everett. I have been yelling at the clown. What's happening? Look at Everett. Oh, look up. Oh my. Look, she's about to get fried. Oh, shoot. Mime. Can you roll a help out roll? I mean, uh, and then what do I need to roll out of?
01:10:40
Speaker
Uh, you know what? Roll manipulate someone on the air. Mm hmm. Sure. All the time. Oh, that's a big fat 10. Hot damn. Do what you say and take the experience point. Perfect. So you get an experience for doing exactly what he says. Um, do I have to use to help out or can I just? No, you can do it. Um, no, you can do it. Okay. I don't care. That's not bad, but it's a zero. I'm going to try and do more. I'm going to do a bunch of mime walls around or a mime orb around her. Okay. Twelve.
01:11:10
Speaker
Wow. Damn. Fuck. that Shit, dude. That's crazy. So what do you want? you What do you um what do you what you're just building like like a dome or a series of walls? I am a mine dome, a visible dome ah over her, not like a sphere or anything touching the ground, because as we know, mine walls ah have true full physical physics ah reactivity. So we don't want it to be brushing against the ground as she's driving. So it's just it's floating over her.
01:11:38
Speaker
um Oh, x everything is safe. Cool. Oh, also, I should say that upon rolling a 10 from a J. jy Proto, not only do you get that ah plus one experience, but you also get a plus one forward for a role. Oh, um nice. Yeah. So that's what a 10 does for you. So nice one, J. Proto. um Oh, so you know what? Because I'm feeling what? fuck And so I have a plus one ongoing while while driving.
01:12:04
Speaker
uh well let's use that for future reference okay i just realized it so also jay take an experience point because that was a good play um yay so uh yay and back to you you son of a bitch with your rainbow hair not you so so he forms a wall around evert and the ladies just go And then like one of the lasers bounces off your shimmering shield from Everett and hits this transforming robot and he crashes on the ground and turns back into Robo form and just kind of like laying in like a massive like two story heap on the fucking track blocking the entire road.
01:12:41
Speaker
um Uh, but while as we go, as we resolve that, we go back to Pierre Robert de la Mer, who was yelling at a clown who was trying to catch up. You see like, he's like, pulls out like these two giant fucking ice picks that like get really, really big. And he stretches them and like grabs them into the ground and like pulls himself forward to try to project himself at you. Pierre, um, what do you do? Am I heard? Yes.
01:13:05
Speaker
Um, uh, he's got ice. there The clown's got ice. coming after me The clown is like stretching out large, think like a comically large mallet, but there's two fucking ice picks and he's reaching them off his bike, slamming him into the ground and then pulling himself forward to go faster. do They sort of look like, um, Beetlejuice in the first Beetlejuice movie when he had those big, long, bit little bit bit of a bit bit yes, yeah but, but ice picks instead of mallets. Yeah. Okay. I like it. Um, I am, um, Oh, oh and he says, I'm going to get you. You're a phony performer. You freak people out. You don't even talk. You idiot. You're talking and you're a man. What a dumb ass. I would like to, um, use bomb.
01:13:49
Speaker
okay All right, what bomb are you using? its not of like you bob me mention of It's not a button, it's just just one of those little sides. In my sidecar, I have a bunch of little like things in there. I i go rooting around. ah pull I pull just like ah an old timey cartoon bomb. Love it. Yeah, with the build a big old wick on it. And then I sit it in my lap on the while I'm driving, and I pull out um a pack of smokes. I put a cigarette in my mouth, I light that, and I smoke a couple of times, and I take the cigarette and light the fuse on the bomb. Okay. Take this, you coward! And I throw it back.
01:14:20
Speaker
All right, your girl kicks a mass against the clown. He's like, you're such a dumb shit. Wait until I get my hands on you. That's an eight. You blow up his bike until you throw this comically large like cartoon bomb back. His fucking bike goes kablooey. You see like a bunch of like um like balloons and sparklers and fireworks and handkerchiefs like start flying at him. He goes, oh, dang, I just got those from my mama. But he goes flying through the air with his parachute pants, and he lands on your bike and just starts slapping the shit out of you. Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap.
01:14:53
Speaker
Oh, we should have a slap fight, is it? I'm French, you know, this is my best skill. You don't have any skills. You're French. And he starts putting his like dirty ass fingers in your mouth and you guys take this, you suck on this, you fucking weirdo. I reach into my sidecar and I
Jay's Strategy Session with Blast Johnson
01:15:08
Speaker
pull out a little, a little so I say, you know the French are good at? And I pull out a little white flag. I surrender, I surrender. Oh, really?
01:15:15
Speaker
oh And I have that I have to have the um like the the What is it called a the stick of the flag pointing at him and I press a button in a bullet shoot sound?
01:15:29
Speaker
yeah but ah Roll kicks of ass when I'm gonna get plus two on that because you're definitely gonna catch him from behind or catch him by surprise. I was not seeing that That's a 10. So you get an extra effect on your kicks of mass. You can play some where you want them. We have your damage and Um, yeah, I want to shoot him right between the eyes and I want to just fly backwards and maybe like get run over by somebody, make them wreck too. All right. Yeah. You shoot him between the eyes. He falls backwards. Uh, and then you see like, like he pops like a big ass fucking balloon just sending like other quads and dirt bikes is flying everywhere. Um, and, uh, yeah, you get a kill count of like 13 more things that you killed. Um, well done. Uh, Jay Proto.
01:16:08
Speaker
Jay, ah Jay holsters his shotgun after seeing that. And he's like, damn, I thought I was going to have to step in. Nice. You see Blast Johnson kind of pulls up beside you, goes, boss, what's the plan, boss? We're almost to the end. We got it. We got it. We got it. Oh, we're at the end. Oh, my God. That's that came up fast. i Well, we're going fast as fuck, man. I shit myself three times. We just dropped it off the back of the bike. Wow. Yeah, that that was the sound. That was the sound of the alarm going off, letting you know that the race is almost over. Extremely rude.
01:16:36
Speaker
ah Yeah. Wow. Uh, so he's going to basically try to, I think at this point we're going to try to convince blast to help us out with the illegally distinct transformers. Okay. So, cause there's one in the way right now that's like laying, like kind of like struggling to get up, like probably maybe like an eighth of a mile ahead of you. You can see he's fucking massive laying across the stretch of road. So what are you going to, what are you guys going to do to deal with that? So is he dead?
01:17:04
Speaker
Uh, not dead, just kind of like squirming on the ground. Uh, Pierre, we need a ramp. ah May we move my hands you wave your hands to make a ramp and and guys Magic and I got a seven All right. So there's a glitch involved with your ramp. What's your glitch? um ah Do I pick the clutch I can't remember dont It actually curves up a little too much. It gets goes almost straight up. So we're gonna like kind of oh shit but Some little bit of over curvature there so you guys hit a ramp going up over top of it But you know you guys are sky high right now is the ramp
01:17:38
Speaker
Sends you blast Johnson. Are you also taking a ramp here to get over the? Hell yeah, that's not transformer. Hell yeah, you don't make you guys are all naked. You guys are all three sky high right now. Jay proto. What do you do as you hear? Blash ons goes. All right. You know what? I'm I don't really know what this looks like. I tell him what to do, boss. I'm a little out of my element here, boss. Well, we need a goons to take out those transformers. You want me to call in the goons?
01:18:03
Speaker
Yeah, I thought they've been here. Oh, yeah, they're here. They were just waiting for the call. Big guy. Yeah, I need I need all the guys who took shots at Everett to disappear, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, you got a boss. And and you see, like, he's like, he he puts in like a little call. He goes, All right, boys, this is what we were waiting for. The boss needs us. And then you just see, like, ah because it was a you got a 12 pack, right? So like 11 other goons plus ah blast Johnson are there and they all kind of show up like on different hoverboards are just like hovering because they're magic um and ah they just start like zooming across ah the way and you see just like Jaguar just like just opens your mouth and just spits out like a huge series of just like These are weird fucking spiky projectiles from her mouth that fire up into the mountains crumbling huge swaths of the mountain around them You see Tran not transformers transforming robots falling out of the mountain
01:18:54
Speaker
um You see one that kind of resembles Deathstroke is like hovering on like a little hoverboard and he pulls out like a like this big-ass explosive sniper rifle just starts like picking them off in the distance and then the rest of them like jump into a teleportation spell and before you know it you just see like fucking like scraps of metal like raining down on top of everybody's they're like being sent to the sky and exploded.
01:19:17
Speaker
um Jay's going to mime himself an umbrella. ah
01:19:24
Speaker
so Look at that. You have another mime in
Ramp Launch and Robot Chaos
01:19:26
Speaker
your party, Pierre. Is that how this works? Is that how that works? Pierre's like, does he have the gift? Oh my gosh. You notice in about five seconds he does not have the gift. Oh no, I wave my hand.
01:19:40
Speaker
Why isn't it working? Why isn't it working? I'm gonna say that, like, a free action. You could just, like, summon, like, an invisible umbrella in his hand. Oh, I got a 10 anyway. I already did it for a 10. You saw an umbrella. Wait, what? It's actually working. Holy shit. Oh, god, I'm magic. I say, well, it's done. And I i say, look, it's these. And I i put my thumb out, and I go, whoosh, and blow my cheeks up. And my house will not turn around. I'm trying to try and float.
01:20:03
Speaker
You know what, I'm just gonna say you do that. I'm gonna say you do that. That's easy enough for like a skilled mind magician like yourself. So you float down with your bike, you guys get over the debris. What about Blast Johnson? He's just kind of stopped there. He's like, boss, boss, what do I do? I ain't got no invisible umbrellas, boss. What do you mean? I don't have an invisible umbrella. It's okay, it'll be fine. Do you want me to get a helmet on?
01:20:23
Speaker
Oh, shit, I just landed on my head, good thinking boss! Oh no, you stay on the- Oh god, he fell on his head. He turns his bike upside down and he lands on his head and just like rolls onto his wheels and turns to it and goes, good thinking boss, I do have an unusually strong neck. um Wow, that was- Alright, I wonder how that effort's doing. yeah so So you guys are on the last leg. um You guys got over the debris. You see, like, just swaths of people crash into this, like, downed transforming robot as he tries to get up. And they're just hitting into him, exploding, flying over there, viscera everywhere. um And he lets his arc reactor ah inside of his body just explode and just, like, takes out, like, makes a massive crater in the racetrack. What number does
Bizarre Limo Encounter
01:21:09
Speaker
he see on his screen? What number? I don't know if I should tell you. You might be upset.
01:21:13
Speaker
Okay. 400 people to him. Yep. Um, that's a lot. Yeah, he got a lot. Yeah. So, so, so you guys run the last leg and as you guys are going, you see, um, this, uh, long stretch limo out of nowhere, just like lands beside you guys. Uh, you guys are, you guys are probably maybe like, I don't know, maybe,
01:21:39
Speaker
Like a 16th of a mile behind Everett as you guys catch up because she was fighting the transformer and getting shot and had to block ah Everett is in the lead and then Pierre and Jay and blast Johnson are all kind of like somewhere neck and neck in the back. You see this long ass stretch limo probably like Stupidly long and you see like a bunch of people with like black ties black sunglasses kind of like start leaning out and they're all wearing like backwards red ball caps um and they all just start like opening fire on you guys and you see there's there's like a Uh, a big old like American flag hanging off the back of the limo way in the back. Um, and they are all just start opening fire on you. What do you do? Jay, before they even open fire, uh, attempts to pop the tires with a shotgun. Oh, shit. Okay. Roll. You know what? Let's make it a quick draw. Roll a, um, roll a kick some ass to see if you can do it before they can do it.
01:22:34
Speaker
That's a 10. You can do it before they can do it. So you shoot one of the tires and they start to zigzag a little bit and all the yeah all the gunfire starts to go more erratically. um And you've saved all the rest of your friends from having to do any sort of checks because now they're not able to maintain accuracy at the moment.
01:22:50
Speaker
um And then you see, you see ah like a guy who like climbs out of the front of the car and he, his head has like a big old split down the middle of it. And you see like a big ass worm comes out of it. He says, I'm here to make America healthy again. And we need Greenland to do that. No,
Everett's Final Sprint to Victory
01:23:08
Speaker
no, no, no.
01:23:11
Speaker
And he uses that worm to like try to fix the tire. what do you I don't get the worm thing, but I don't even know if I want to know what. RFK Junior literally had brain worms. OK, OK. um Uh, does he? Oh, he doesn't have a gun, does he? He's just trying to fix it. He just has a bit more. I'm tired. He's trying to fix a tire right now. He's trying to use his own, his own. I'll help you out here. Uh, Jay is going to stand up on his bike seat and he's going to try to attempt to draw a sword. You're going to attempt to draw a sword, but like Mima sword. Cause he thinks he has the gift. Um, and we, uh,
01:23:48
Speaker
And he's just like, he's just like doing, he's just going to like take and be like, all right, I know I can do this. And he's going to have like an anime moment. And he's going to be like, if I just believe hard enough, you know, weird enough, you know, take a slash of the car. Roll plus weird, Jay, to see if in that moment you can do something beyond your limitations. All right.
01:24:08
Speaker
It was a big success, but he had some help out. So you know what? I'm going to say that you draw this invisible sword and you swing it and it like cuts into the, it cuts the limo in half. Um, and now it's just driving just the front part. And then you hear like from all the way in the back, go, why did they make me sit at the back? I wouldn't sit up front. That way I could see everything. We'd all be in the back. We didn't get any more.
01:24:35
Speaker
but What am I supposed to do now? I can't win the race. um And this is not opulent. This is big trouble, huge trouble. And then a bald eagle comes and pecks off his face and kills him.
01:24:50
Speaker
um Yeah. had um And then ah so Everett, Everett, you're up front like the boys are clear and shit in the back. Like you have a half of a limo following you with like a guy patching a tire up front. ah You were the one that is in the lead. What do you do? You can see the finish line and the root beer oasis just ah probably about a half a mile up.
01:25:12
Speaker
Um, she's going to activate her Pegasus flight and just ah nitro that shit and get to the finish line. She's going to try to fucking beat everybody.
01:25:25
Speaker
All right, so let's see if you can do one more cool roll to see if you can just blast ahead and make the finish line um and drink from the- Love him. Yeah, Pegasus Moes activates. You just hear like an echo of like, yay. And then time stands still for a second. It's like everybody just kind of like gawks in awe. And you see Jack B. Swift is like following along on like a helicopter watching this whole thing. And he's just like, damn.
01:25:55
Speaker
Shit, that's cool. And then, like, Star Trek, the next generation, when they blast off, like, light speed into a new universe, you just blast through, passing the finish line, damn near passing the Rootbearer Oasis. And here, all right, we got our first person across the finish line. All they have to do is drink from the Rootbearer Oasis to own the wonderful land of Greenland. She takes off running after she lands, yeah. You take off running towards the Rootbearer Oasis? Yep, as soon as she lands.
01:26:24
Speaker
All right. ah So as you're running towards it, you see the other boys, you guys pass the finish line as well as well as half of a half of a of a limo ever. It has a good head start towards the root beer oasis. And then you can see um you can see Earthworm Jim or Earthworm Tim and a few other like ah service agents with red hats and sunglasses jump out with like machine guns. um This is the last leg to make sure one of you guys can drink from it. What do you guys do?
01:26:54
Speaker
Everett, do you do anything as you see people trying to get out to stop you? Uh, no, she's just going to keep running as fast as she can. She's got like, you know, her, her fast legs. All right, you got why did she got off the bike. Why does she get off the bike, Pierre? She
Sacrifice and Strategy
01:27:08
Speaker
should have just drove that motherfucker in there. So, Pierre, do you do anything as you see? Yeah, ever it's on foot sprinting towards the oasis. You seek there are secret service agents and earthworm Tim getting out to attack you and her and you are also in your blast Johnson and Jay Proto. What do you do, Pierre? I reach into my sidecar.
01:27:32
Speaker
I pull out an invisible ball-shaped item. I kind of rub it so everybody can tell it's the shape of a ball, anybody who's watching. And then I i i pull it back like it's a bowling ball and I roll it towards Everett and it invisibly turns into like a conveyor belt that's going to go underneath their feet and and make her go faster. Oh, nice. That's pretty sick. All right. Roll on, Nate.
01:27:55
Speaker
All right, so that's an eight. um So what do you want your glitch to be? um It's too fast. okay It's like it you get you get underneath Everett. Everett falls onto her ass as this conveyor belt goes underneath her and a center skipping across the oasis like a rock. And she goes, skip, ski skip, skip, ski skip, skip, skip. Oh, no. Open your mouth. Over to the other side. It's a drink. It's a drink, not skip.
01:28:24
Speaker
So Everett lands like on the on the other side of the Oasis. um But she's near she's much closer to it now. um Jay Proto, what do you do? As you see, you see, like, machine guns fire. You see, like, um they start shooting, but the ah conveyor belt moves her fast enough that, like, she doesn't get shot. You see Earthworm Jim or Tim pulls out, like, his laser gun and points at you guys. You've been the problem this whole time. You don't get it. You don't know what it means to be free. And he starts, like, shooting a laser gun at you. What do you do?
01:28:54
Speaker
Um, I don't think I'd do anything. You just get shot. You just get shot. No, I don't get shot. Someone else does. Oh, fuck. Is it blast Johnson? It, it was going to be blast Johnson. He steps in the way and he says, I got you boss. I got, I would literally die for you as I said earlier. Yep. And he jumped, but then another goon steps in front of him who we don't know the name of.
01:29:19
Speaker
Uh, David. David. Yeah, Devin. Devin Port. Yeah. Yeah. Devin Port. He goes, Devin Port. No, Devin. And he's a little no much guy and he jumps in front and then he tanks the blast and he just turns into ash on the ground. And then he goes, no, David Port. David Port, no. God, I just met you after your success on that podcast. Fuck.
01:29:48
Speaker
I'm going to pull blast Johnson up. OK. Don't worry about this one. I got it. And I'm going to use my skill. Come get some. Nice. Like, dude, you can let come get some. So what is what is come get some do again? I'm going to challenge my foes to fight me alone. Do you have to roll for that or do they just do? I do. I got to roll plus tough, which I only have one of. All right. Roll your plus tough.
01:30:11
Speaker
And it's a big old failure. It's a big old failure, but Blast Johnson also steps to you where he says, and me too, you big Veloka. And so he bumps you up to a seven. Wow. All right. Well, the seven to a nine is basically, uh,
01:30:28
Speaker
But comrades can still be marked by the enemies. So, you know, but I think they were already looking at you. So I think that like maybe a couple of Secret Service agents are still kind of going after Pierre. But I think the big guy and like one of his associates like are just like, all right, let's just let's just call us what it is. And he rips off his shirt and he's got like big pecs and like abs. He's a little older, but like still looks OK for his age um and like she starts charging you with like ah like a laser sword. And the other guy pulls out also a laser sword because he wants to match his boss. All right.
01:30:58
Speaker
Well, it's a sword, right? It's a sword. Yeah. So I'm just going to like Indiana Jones fucking shoot him. Oh fuck. Oh, I shouldn't have brought a sword to a gunfight. That was kicks a mass roll. All right. 12. Oh fuck. What do you want your extra effect to be? I want to kill two people instead of one. ah okay There you go. I don't want to take any damage. Which gun do you use? ah ah I'm going to use my magic shotgun thing. you You're like six barreled shotgun. Six barreled lightning shotgun or whatever. Yeah. All right. So yeah, you just blast out like these like fucking like blue arcs of shells and buckshot and just like immediately just like half of their bodies are gone. And you see like Blast Johnson go over and just starts like kicking them like in what's left of their balls over. They're like, you fucking big blue guy. I'll fucking dare you. It's my boy. That was my guy. You son of a bitch. This one's for Davenport.
01:31:49
Speaker
And he just like keeps kicking them over and over again, like, chubbing dirt, like, in their pants and stuff. Like, yeah, fuck you, I hope you go to hell. Chill. Bless. Come on. All right. All right. We're supposed to be going to that oasis, aren't we? All right. Yeah, let's go get some root beer. I could go for some. It's hot out here. Fuck. I'm fucking thirsty. It's fucking dust alley. Shit. Yeah, let's go do that, boss. Let's go have one for Davenport.
01:32:15
Speaker
Um, and so, uh, Pierre, there's two more so service agents left and they're trying to shoot Everett as she is standing up from being flung by a conveyor belt. What do you do? Um, I'm still smoking the one cigarette. I pull another one out. I light it up and I take the one out of my mouth. I suck that one down so they're both the same size and I whip them both into the barrels of those guys' guns. Okay.
Victory Celebration at Rootbearer Oasis
01:32:38
Speaker
I don't want to get mad at you again.
01:32:40
Speaker
ah Seven you know what I'm gonna say that like that's more than plenty because I don't think they're expecting that and you just know your cigarette Barrels in there and the guns fire backwards kind of like a daffy duck thing Like explodes back hurts into their faces and but he just I didn't I didn't even think I was gonna do all this stupid show with this guy until I realized I could do magic with this thing so but Yeah, you kind of doing like some green lantern shit. This has been funny Yeah. So um so, yeah, ah you you I like the the trappings. It's quite fun. And so like, yeah, they just fire backwards. You like a couple of duck bills out of nowhere. Just like you're despicable. And then they fall over. I should not defeat. You should. the ah ah We have dinner air for tonight. Yeah. We have roasted duck.
01:33:24
Speaker
Um, and so Everett, you're, you're recovering. You got flung across the Oasis. You skipped across the brute bureau Oasis. Everything else is destroyed. You see so Jack B. Swift hovering over in a helicopter and being like, do it. Drink it. Greenland is almost yours.
01:33:39
Speaker
What are you doing? She does a belly flop into the Oasis. start drink yeah yeah so You do a sick belly flop into the Oasis just for fun. Do a cool roll to see how cool it is. It's so sticky.
01:33:59
Speaker
um that's a four my country on cool yeah really but but guys you beef it So hard like your whole belly gets black and blue when you hit the whole hotter ah but then you get a mouth my nose Yeah, yeah you get like carbonation up your nose like when you burp when you hold in a burp and you feel it in your nose like ah Yeah. So like, yeah, you get a lot of carbonation all up in your, all up in your facials. But you have drank from the root beer oasis. And then a bunch of fireworks go off, confetti rains everywhere. And you see Jack B. Swift jumps down and he's like walking on it like he's Jesus. Like he doesn't get wet. He's just walking across the oasis. And he says, he says, you've done it. What is your name? My name's Everett. Sorry, I couldn't hear you. You have a bunch of root beer still in your mouth.
01:34:48
Speaker
um My name is Everett. Oh, Everett, I need to know what to sign on the deed to Greenland. um Is it just I mean, do you have a last name or what what do I read on this thing? Um, no, it's uh, it's I don't have a last name. Sorry, I was um, you don't want to know it's a sad story. I don't I just don't have a last name. I don't have time for sad stories. I don't want to hear it. I live a very joyful life.
01:35:15
Speaker
yeah Everything works out for me. so I like rainbows and unicorns. I just want to be happy, dude. I wasn't going to tell you. Same. I also just want to be happy. And instead of unicorns and rainbows, I like kitty cats and puppy dogs. Oh my god, me too. Do you want to get married? ah No, I'm already married to Joy. And that's not a person. I mean, just the emotion of Joy. Damn it. I almost had it there. Yeah. I thought you wanted to bang that Frenchie anyway.
01:35:44
Speaker
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You think these sunglasses are just for keeping the sun out of my eyes? They're to see the truth that I know the truth. Also, the second pair of sunglasses is to see the other truth. He takes it off, puts it back on, and he looks and he goes, that guy thinks I'm Jack Lazer and I'm not.
01:36:06
Speaker
But I might pretend like I am, that way he feels good about himself. Yeah, look just like him, so... I am Jack Laser! Jay Pritto! My guy! My ps sidekick! You're such a nice boy! I'm so proud of you! Look at how far you've come!
01:36:19
Speaker
Shut up. You passed the final test and he takes off his long luscious wig and he just has like like a slick back hairdo. He says you've earned the hair and he throws like a big ass like dark fucking like 80s hair. and but I'm going to quick draw like shoot that motherfucking thing out of the air. Oh.
01:36:40
Speaker
That was beautiful. You're ready. You don't need to be a sidekick anymore. You've done it. Even if Jack will never tell you, I'll tell you. I'm proud of you, son. Good job. I'm also Jack, so I guess that works. OK, well, anyway, so we got Greenland. Or Everett did, at least. Everett owns Greenland. I mean, I guess you can sign other people to the deed if you want. to Where's your Frenchie friend? Oh, there he is. Hey there, little guy. Nice, nice moves back there. Thanks for killing that clown. He was really freaking me out.
01:37:09
Speaker
yeah But Mimes kind of freaked me out too. Ah, well, sorry. ah you say yeah How do you say sorry in French? ah Fuck off, Bing. Oh, is that how you say it? Man, i've I've been saying sorry the wrong way for years. but Anyway, um that's it. Also, there's ah there's a $6 million dollars prize that comes along with it. So when you go to Greenland, you'll find it. Oh my God, we're rich.
01:37:36
Speaker
I mean, did you want to sign anybody else to the deed, or is it just going to be yours? Well, yeah, of course I was going to sign my friends over here because, you know, like we did it together. Well, excellent. What a charitable person you are. You bring me much joy. If you were in a motion, I would marry you. See, I knew you. I knew you were in love with me. Let's go. Well, you know what? You know what? If Joy and I ever break up, I'll call you. Who is all this one in a million talk just now?
01:38:06
Speaker
I don't recall ever saying a million, but you are one. That's for sure. I'm proud of you, kid. All right, cool. Well, do you want me to show you to your new place? Yeah. And Blash is like, so like you just own a new country now? Like, it is this what's happening, boss? Like what? Oh, no, you do, too. Am I on the deed? Fuck yeah, you are. Everett, am I on the deed? Yeah.
01:38:33
Speaker
Blast Johnson owns property? Yeah, man. Yeah. Holy shit. My ma is going to, he calls up his mommy. Ma, you're not going to fucking believe this. Um, and like, he kind of walks off kind of just like celebrating that he owns property. Um, and so we smash cut. You guys are escorted to your brand new, uh, place and it's just like a ah frozen tundra. It's very, very cold.
01:38:56
Speaker
um this time of year and it's just it's just sheets of ice and snow and mountains as far as the eye can see ah with a lot of flatness in between those valleys and stuff very very cold but there's like a there's like a little ski shack that they built for you like this he's like there's hot cocoa inside all the skiing you possibly want and also your money is in there if you want that you know for this place being called Greenland it's not very green Yeah, common mistake. um You know, the people who had discovered this place called it Greenland because when they discovered it, it was springtime. It was very green. Then they came back months later and I realized, oh, dear, it's very cold here. That's really weird. Yep. People were done back then because they didn't use Google.
Exploring and Planning Greenland Ownership
01:39:45
Speaker
If they had just googled it to educate themselves just a little bit, they would have known better. This might be a different name. Really, this should be called Iceland and Greenland, or Iceland should be called Greenland, but you know, I don't make the rules, I just buy the property. You know, I did hear that it was like opposite day for those countries, and you know, I feel like somebody went wrong some way on that one. Yeah, probably. Anyways, ah do you guys want to go take a look at your your winnings? You want to go into the shack? What do you want to do? It's your property.
01:40:14
Speaker
Um, what you say they're going i like my cabin in the woods and I'm going to get my dog and my, my teddy bear in there get all cozy and we're going to go read some books. That sounds delightful. What about you, Mr. Mime? I'm going to find these snow bunnies and make some Louvre. You gotta make some what? The Louvre? That's in a different country. Some Louvre, you know? It's already made. The Louvre is already a thing. No, I'm going to have six.
01:40:44
Speaker
Have six what, sir? I can get you six of whatever you want. Women! Six million dollars! You want six women? Wait, yes. Well, I can get you six women. i Don't even worry about that, my guy. I didn't know you were a little horn dog like your guy here. Yes, my little guy is horny. What emotions do you want to bang?
01:41:03
Speaker
ah not um but J comes in and just pushes whoever the fuck that is out of the way, just out of the frame and deletes him. Thank you, Jay. I worked better on my own. I will go find some, some, some girls in this ski resort. You got it, dude. Ladies, who wants to get warm?
01:41:25
Speaker
what do What do you do, Jay? Jay signs it back to the to the person who had their land stolen from them. Oh, Dave. Dave Greenland. Dave John Green. Yeah, John Greenland. John Green and Dave Land. It was John it was yeah john and john and Hank Green and Dave Land. There you go. yeah So you sign it back so they get some of the ownership back and they open up a play. They they call it the school for educated dummies. ah And they go and they they open that up in their own little section of Greenland. um Wait, I thought we owned the whole country.
01:42:04
Speaker
You own the whole thing, yeah. But you own part of it, so you signed over your part of it. I signed over that part. I signed over my third to that you the fourth or whatever to... Yeah, you signed over your fourth letter to the to the Green and Land company, to Green and Land family. No, no, I want to get to the freaking... Whoever lived Whoever lived there? Yeah, so the Green... Yeah, the Green Company, I guess. The Green and the Lands, they lived there.
01:42:32
Speaker
All right. And so you sign your share over and the rest of you guys own a beautiful, frozen property with a nice ski resort up there in the beautiful country of Greenland. And um if you want to get Greenland, you have to win a death race yeah and a fucking