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The Affordables 1.5: Beyond A Shadow Of A Dick
24 Plays7 days ago
Whoa, there's some gnarly skateboarding goblins tagging everything in the town of Dick Michigan! What will our "heroes" do? Will they put an end to the evil pointy-eared menaces, or is there something far more nefarious at play here? Yeah probably that second part... anyway. Enjoy the show!
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Transcript
Introduction and Character Setup
00:00:29
Speaker
I pushed it already, so the timer has started. So here we go. I hope I sound okay. Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. Hey, ladies, gentlemen, non-binary folks of the universe. No, no, no, this is role players, and welcome back to the Affordables episode, what, five, I think. All right. Is it five? It's five, right? It is five. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's five. Right, and so I'm joined here by Cass as Everett and Justin as Jack Laser, the heroes of lore.
00:00:57
Speaker
And Luke, Jimmy Chang, we don't know where he is yet. We're going to learn
Jack Laser's Past and Everett's Skills
00:01:03
Speaker
anyway. So Justin, what happened last time on affordable guys? We tried to figure out what came out of the dogs, but it was a clown that said he was a trickster, but turned out to be a leprechaun. And we fed him a ginseng tea from Starbucks and he got a tummy ache and we had to set him on fire ah so he would ah never be sick again. And then.
00:01:27
Speaker
a Lady came and said hey Buster Brown to Jack laser. You've used a luck point So I'm from your past as as your character. He says and I'm here to cause problems for you And we said oh no and we ran cuz it was in the episode so we had to have that happen later Yeah, so he said oh no and after you defeated the leprechaun Maxine did her thing you guys know I was like yeah What I thought yeah, that was her name Yeah, Maxine. And then, ah yeah. So, ah ah Jack Laser, how much time would you say has passed that you guys had to run away from me and Maxine, Maxine Steele? One and a half weeks.
00:02:15
Speaker
One and a half weeks. So that's what, uh, like 10 and a half days, something like that. And two hours and 30, two hours and 30 some minutes. Yeah. And 10 seconds and 10 seconds, 11, 12, no. And so you guys are doing that thing that you do. What is, uh, Jack Lizzard doing, um, since that happened, where, where did he go? What does he do when he's not jobbing? Uh, well, seeing as, um,
00:02:44
Speaker
ah The trouble has come from his past. He's he's in his ah his little girl I think I said he has like a garage now somewhere or something those little like like a ah What do you call them? What's the fucking place you go? It's outside of your house when you have too much shit. Storage place. It's like a storage unit. Yeah, storage unit. That's right. Yes. When you can't get rid of all your shit just and you put it in another place outside of your home. He just hoarded somewhere else. Anywho, he's got one of those that he sort of lives out of sometimes. He's very transient with his lifestyle he leads. So he just has that for his little base operations kind of. He's there. He's got his little gun racks and things. He's getting all his little guns. He's looking at them, oiling them.
00:03:21
Speaker
lubin' him up. And he oils his own gun in his pants too, just because he's thinking about, you know, Maxine Steele again. Sure, sure. Who wouldn't? And he's making sure he's ready and he's got everything situated. satuated Excellent. All right. ah And so while you're doing that, you're you're polishing your laser, I mean your guns. um ever What's Everett doing? It's been a week and a half.
00:03:46
Speaker
Oh yeah. So Everett's definitely been like working on her like hacking skills ah with the cops, you know, and she actually helped them solve a few murders. It was fine. And then she's also been taking like shooting lessons. So she might end up buying a gun soon. She doesn't know yet, but she's getting pretty good. She's getting pretty good. She getting good at guns? Yeah. What kind of guns has she been shooting?
00:04:16
Speaker
Oh, you know, just your your small handguns, you know, she's not really into like the big stuff. It's too big for her still. um But, you know, she's she's working on it. She's working. She's got this one cop that has kind of taken her under the wing and, you know, has been teaching her how to do things. And she just wants to be as amazing as Jack Lazer. So she's just like trying to get his attention. So, you know,
00:04:45
Speaker
Gotcha. All right. you know Let's say that you're that you know you're practicing at the gun range. Why don't you roll a couple of kicks and ass rolls to see how well Everett's doing at shooting pistols and such, little blocks and nine mills, you know all those other guns that I definitely know the names of. I am so with you on that one. I have no idea either. Yeah, you know I know all the guns. All right, roll another one just to see. All right.
00:05:11
Speaker
Alright, so there's an eight and a big fat 10. Okay. So yeah, you have a couple of rounds like who's who who who's your shooting buddy when you're at the range. Usually you have a couple people they're shooting. There's one person who's watching you shoot and kind of commenting, ah giving you guys. His name is Gus. Okay. And what's Gus like?
00:05:31
Speaker
So Gus, he's kind of like a a middle aged kind of average looking man. He's got like the the glasses, like the bottle glasses, kind of like bubbles from trailer park boys. And he has got fiery red hair. It's just it's it's kind of balding on top a little bit. um But he's he's pretty nice enough. You know, nice enough. OK.
00:05:59
Speaker
So he kind of, he kind of like leans over to shoot. He goes, that's a good fucking shoot right there. Thanks. Aren't I getting like so good at this? I mean, it's getting better. It's not the best I've ever fucking seen, but it's definitely out there. Yeah. Do you think that your wife would be like ah cool with ah helping me get like a new gun? Like we we would go shopping or something? You want my wife to go shopping for guns with you? Yeah.
00:06:29
Speaker
I guess I could fucking ask her. Why do I look like her fucking secretary? Actually, I am. It's cool. I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit grumpy because my ah I shot a rabbit earlier by accident. I understand. Yeah, it made me kind of sad, too, but it'll be OK. The paintball will just come right off. It'll be all right. Right. Well, yeah, sure. You can go fucking a shop for guns, I suppose, but not on a cop salary.
00:06:57
Speaker
I told you, I told your wife last time when we were having dinner, I said, Sheila, you have got the best guns in your, like, ah those, ah you know, those thingies that hold them. What did they call them again? Like under their armpits? Like, I can't ever remember. Yes, that, that. And so, like, you know, I figured I could get one that matched hers because, you know, she is like the badass of badasses with that thing. You want to get matching bras?
00:07:27
Speaker
No guns, but matching bras would be awesome too. Oh, okay. Yeah, matching bras and guns. Got it. I mean, yeah, okay, whatever. um Anyway, I'm gonna put my headphones back on and start shooting some more to try to get over that rabbit I shot. Okay. Good job over there. You get an experience point. Did you hear what I said? I'm still laughing, I'm sorry. You an ah get experience part there, kid. Good job.
00:07:57
Speaker
but And you see he takes like a black marker and you have like a dry erase like little chart on your where you're shooting at. And he puts like a little checkmark in one of the boxes for like Monday. Because if you get an experience, but all the way for Friday, you you fucking level up in your guns. Oh, my God, does that mean I'll be able to like level up on my character sheet with my guns? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, kid. He puts his headphones back on and start shooting again.
00:08:25
Speaker
ah play where away you play play away Then he pulls out like a rocket launcher. choin oh How do you shoot one of those? Can we blow shit up? I want to blow shit up. He taps his sign and says, don't talk to me while I'm grenade launching.
00:08:44
Speaker
so Don't make me tap the fucking sign. All right. so
Mission Against Goblin Skateboarders
00:08:54
Speaker
You're doing that. Jack Lazer is polishing his knob weapons to prepare for things going on with Maxine. And then you guys get a call on your Discord chat from the one and only Blake Dancer. um Do you all answer it, Jack and Everett? Yep. Uh-huh. All right, you get you get in there and he goes, what? What's going on then? I dropped my phone. My hands are all greasy, sorry.
00:09:24
Speaker
I just leaned over on the floor, I'm just gonna do this. It's a weird fucking angle that you got me out there, mate. You've seen me between my knees, it's okay. Plenty of people have been there before. Right, doesn't mean that I want to though, but uh, you know what? Um, not much to see anyway, so um, also, so hi every- how you doing? Hey, how you doing? I'm good, what's good? Oh, I'm doing better now that you're here. Right, that's harassment. Um, anyway.
00:09:54
Speaker
Um, uh, I got a job for you if y'all want it. Uh, also that Jimmy Chang had to not respond to this message when I said, Hey, I got a job for you. He just sent me back a message that said FCK you TBH. And I don't know what that means, but I'm guessing it means, uh, these not coming. Oh, okay. That's okay. Hey, Jack. All right.
00:10:23
Speaker
Okay. ah Anyways, I've got a job for you out in a place called Dick, Michigan. You guys ever been to Dick, Michigan? Yeah. Jack, you've been to Dick, Michigan before? ah No. All right. Okay. Well, there's a gang of skateboarders out there. Well, there's a lot of gang to skateboarders out there, but Kind of what happened was a goblin troop of skateboarders came in, picked up a sport, got really fucking good at it, and they've been just tagging everything and just recruiting other people to work under their little skateboarding regime. And they've been tagging all my favorite bridges. I got cool bridges out there and I don't want them getting tagged. And so eventually got to get a cleanup crew. Unless you all want to get some some sponges and buckets and fucking clean them when you're done. Not that you have to, but it would go a long way towards my five if you did.
00:11:13
Speaker
But anyway, you got to go and take out those those goblin skateboarders, do whatever you need to do, blow them up, put them in jail, teach them a lesson, whatever it is that you hero types do. And, you know, get back to me when people stop defacing my favorite fucking bridges. What is it with you in attracting goblins? It's like the weirdest thing. What are you talking about? This is the first time I've even seen goblins. What about the dog goblin? That's just his name. He's not a goblin. He's not really a goblin.
00:11:42
Speaker
I'm not really a laser. I'm not really a laser. Yeah, don't go over just his name. That's just what he calls himself. It's like you call yourself Everett. It's just his name. Yeah. I see. I see. Now I'm gay i'm picking up what you're putting down about all the peoples with the faces and the names. I'm getting it. I'm near. Right. All right, then. um Well, I don't really have any other details for you. just That's the part of your job is, you know, go investigate and, you know. a hey hey wait what's What's the problem though? It's just a bunch of kids spawn off some steam, huh? Right, but they're tagging on my favorite bridges. Tagging's illegal, first of all. And second of all, it's my favorite bridges and other landmarks around Dick. Can't be just spray painting all over Dick.
00:12:31
Speaker
that Yeah, I feel like are they putting dicks on the dick bridges? Because I feel like that would just be like absolutely a but like defeating the purpose. if if it That's so immature. The place is called dick. It's not dicks like the sporting goods or what's in a man's pants. Come on now. The people who live there are very mature. Just like in that European place where they live called fucking. You know, no one says fucking like it's a joke. It's just where they live.
00:12:58
Speaker
Like men hate. What do I care? I don't fucking live there. Right. Now they do I. I don't know where I live right now. I'm a bit of a transient myself. Did you say it's Dick Michigan? Dick Michigan. All right. I'm going to get off the phone now because I got a long drive. Right. I mean, I could send you a chopper if you want. All right, hang up. Well, hey, you know, when you see Jack, can you just tell him I can send him a chopper if he wants? I'm also losing my accent there. everett Sorry. Sorry. I mean, I guess so.
00:13:29
Speaker
Right. Right then. um I'm going to go pester Jimmy Chang or some more, find out what's going on. I'll give you any updates I get. Okay. Has he like ah said anything else after that? Cause like, I feel like that's kind of rude. No, he's a bit of a mysterious old chub and not to mention he sent an invite to someone else. He's in the discord server now. So I'm a little annoyed that he didn't run that past me, but Well, ah we'll talk about it when he whenever he gets back. So um anyway, I hope he just said he just he said he sent me another text just said, leave me alone. Don't know what that means. I'm going to message him back. Maybe that was for the wrong person, but I'll get back to you. OK, let's I'll meet you there, Jack. Jack signed off the call already. Oh, oh, it's just me and you just disappeared.
00:14:24
Speaker
Oh, since it's just being you, uh, how you doing? Oh, hang on one second. and He covers up the camera. What's that? This monster's outside. Well, but I'm talking to this girl, Everett, and I definitely want to stay here and talk to her and not do anything else. What? There's more monsters. Ah, shit. Sorry, Everett. I gotta go. There's monsters at my door and they're carrying five guys. I gotta go. Do you need help?
00:14:50
Speaker
yeah Betts going through a tunnel. um And then he and then he he hangs up the car.
00:15:01
Speaker
He's just it's just you in the in the in the voice chat now. Everyone else is gone. So she hangs up. But I had to get to whatever this
Encounter with Ruthless Mayor
00:15:16
Speaker
place is called, Michigan. Dick Dick. which
00:15:24
Speaker
When I was working at the studio and I would try to troll my ah troll my students when they would talk to me a little too long on the phone, I'd be like, up sorry, the studio is going through a tunnel. I'm losing you. And I would just like i just hang up the phone. And then be like, but my one guy named Kurt, he'd be like, I'm starting to think this studio hasn't been going through tunnels lately. but So that's one of my favorite things is just pretending like I'm in a mobile place that's going through a tunnel. Most people don't think about it till after they get hung up on.
00:15:53
Speaker
But anyway, I digest. hello So you guys go to Michigan, right? And a helicopter comes and picks up Everett um and then flies over to get Jack. Jack, do you get in the helicopter or are you just driving? I'm driving down I-95 in my green Toyota pickup. What does this helicopter seem to be shadowing me? Oh, fuck, it's Maxine Steele. Boom, my floors. And then you see the helicopter picks up Everett. You're in there with ah with a guy named um with a guy named Red, and he's the pilot of the helicopter. He's like, okay, this guy's meaning some business here. I'm gonna pick you up, it's the last thing I do, Jack Lazer. And he's going like full speed trying to catch up with you on the highway G-Race. Okay, well, my exit's coming up, so I have to slow down. Oh, he's taking an exit! Ah, shit, I gotta turn around, hang on, Everett. And he whips around nice and slow, because he doesn't want to wreck the helicopter.
00:16:53
Speaker
And he chases you. And so Everett, you and Red just follow Jack Lazer all the way on a several hour car ride to Michigan. A very inefficient helicopter ride. yeah but At least you get to take a nap and play games and watch a movie. ah The in-flight movie is Biodome. That's right. It's Biodome. It's got a different accent on it. I didn't mess up saying it. That's just how you say it.
00:17:18
Speaker
It's a foreign knockoff. Yeah, it's Biodome, and it stars also Paulie Shore, it's done the same guy. yeah He went to Germany to film a knockoff of his own movie. Yeah, he did. Nobody would hire him in America anymore, so he went to Germany and did it again. um And you hear me says, he says, making copies or whatever his so thing was. I don't know what his catchphrase was. That wasn't even forever up Schneider. was right I know.
00:17:50
Speaker
it's That's kind of how we talked though, right? He's like, Hey, it's a leaning tower of Jesus or whatever. Yeah. So I'm like, anyway, yeah, I pull up to, um, we're like, what did I pull up to? What's there? What's there? And what's Dick Michigan look like as I drive into it?
00:18:04
Speaker
It looks like Dick Michigan, a nice quaint town of about 30,000 people. A few nice bridges that are just built over some different rivers and oh yeah that they have. Can I pass under any bridges?
00:18:19
Speaker
Yeah, you could pass under a bridge. Sure. I'm going to go into a bridge and I'm going to go kind of slower. Um, cause like, it's like, it's kind of a shitty, it's like, you know, it's back roads, small town area. So I can go slower, not big, no, nobody's around. Uh, I'm going to slow down. I'm going to, I'm going to peruse some of the graffiti work on the, on the bridges. Sure. Roll and investigate a mystery. My God. I want to investigate that mysterious mystery. Investigate that mystery. It's mixed. Hey, that's mixed.
00:18:45
Speaker
Like, yeah, like ah ah like a hot cocoa with water in it. So, yeah, ask your question. I like I prefer milk as well, but if I don't have milk, I can't have milk is what I say. Oh, you can't have almond milk in it. It'd be pretty good. Probably. That's what I do. Yeah. Or i milk. That's my sheet. I had to start drinking oat milk myself.
00:19:07
Speaker
There you go. Yeah, you got to go get that tummy corrected before you die. So I'm going to ask them to investigate a mystery. What can it do? and Basically, meaning what can what have they drawn here? What what kind of what kind of graffiti can they do? ah There's some that look like some pretty rad, like kind of like long shorts, like baggy clothes, baseball cap wearing like goblins, like doing some sick stunts and shit. Those are the ones that look like they're just like upside down anarchy signs drawn on there. um And there's a couple that are just like really beautiful, like, um oh what do you call like the um
00:19:46
Speaker
like still lifes of just like other buildings and there's even a cup, you know, a basket of fruit. There's a lot of still lifes on the other side of the bridge. So on the one side of the underbelly is a lot of just like goblin-esque anarchist bullshit. And on the other side is like some really pretty still life stuff. Hmm. Okay. Yeah. I drive to town center area. You drive to town center and then, um,
00:20:10
Speaker
uh red is in the uh helicopter with you ever and he says all right you have to parachute dan from here into the city there's no safe place for me to land a helicopter in the city It's a madhouse down there. There's traffic everywhere. one car I forgot to work on my um my parachuting skills. I guess I'll work on it now. Well, you don't have a choice. Just to try to avoid the power lines as you'll probably die and maybe knock out power for thousands of people. OK, I will definitely try not to do that.
00:20:47
Speaker
Right, and also we're not at a very high altitude, so you're probably going to fall pretty fast because we're in a helicopter and not a really high plane. So just prepare for gravity to do its thing when you jump out. You should probably deploy your parachute like right away. OK, thanks for the tips. Right. OK, then get out of my helicopter, please. She jumps out. Well, you jump out with a parachute on or no?
00:21:16
Speaker
Yes, with a parachute. Oh, okay. Just whew, whew, okay. All right, roll, act under pressure to deploy your shoot and not hit any obstacles as you jump out of the helicopter. Let's see what you get. Uh-uh. A 14. Jesus fucking Christ. Tell me what that looks like as you jump out of the plane or the helicopter.
00:21:39
Speaker
So she smirks to herself because she is like, this will be all right. I got this. I used to do like gymnastics all the time. And then she does like the hop, skipping a jump, like you're going to jump off of a diving board. And, um, sorry, my kids are distracting me. They're playing wrestling, um, fucking playing wrestling. They got the new WWE two K 24.
00:22:09
Speaker
Yeah, they're just they're like going ham on each other. So she does the hops, giving a jump like she's done off of a diving board and then ah does a somersault and then rips the cord and shoots down. You shoot down ah landing for you on the land. If we're in the city, do you think you land? You can pick anywhere.
00:22:37
Speaker
She's going to land on top of City Hall Building. On top of the City Hall Building, dang. ah ah You see about like six security guards run out through the ah the entrance to the roof immediately. And they have like tasers pointed at you like, ma'am, ma'am, we don't know what what organization you work for, but you can't be on the City Hall roof. Come with us. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was coming from the sky and I just kind of landed here. I didn't really mean to. I'm not doing anything. I promise.
00:23:07
Speaker
You just came from the sky, you say, as if that's something that normal people do all the time. We saw the helicopter up there. I'm so used to calling it a helicopter sucker that I have a hard time actually saying the word helicopter. We saw the helicopter up there in the sky. ah And that's, you know, not a news helicopter. So what's going on here?
00:23:30
Speaker
So like I came to help the city with like these crazy kids that are running around spray painting things and the bridges and everything. So like my boss, he, he figured that I was the best person for the job because I, you know, I rule with a strong hand and I say, I am not afraid to tell somebody what's what and tell it, put them in the place. So, you know, I even brought my paddle.
00:24:00
Speaker
ah Okay, and he radios all that in um everything that you said on his little radio that's on his ah on his chest. And then a woman comes to the to the rooftop. She's wearing like a really nice blue pantsuit some some golden shoes and some and so and black hair with like red streaks in it. And she comes up and she says, All right, you sons of bitches get off the roof. I need to talk with this rainbow haired whatever she is.
00:24:30
Speaker
Um, and everybody says, all right, ma'am, yeah, whatever you say ma'am. And then she says, whatever I say, then she pulls out, um, she pulls out like a small handgun, just and just guns them all down. And then puts her, puts her gun back in there holster. She says, okay, anyway, so you're here to solve the goblin problem you say? Yeah, I was brought, I was sent here from my boss.
00:24:56
Speaker
Right, okay, we'll go take care of it. I'm not gonna give you any resources, but if you're here to work for free or whatever, um that's fine. ah But you can't be on the city hall roof anymore on account of I just had it cleaned. And now I have to have all the blood removed from guys who bleed even though I told them not to.
00:25:15
Speaker
a so So... I'm sorry, I didn't really mean to land here. I just landed here. Yeah. um Well, you did and now I have to have the janitor staff come up here and clean bodies and I told them they would never have to do that again. So that makes me a lying politician. Anyway, it's a whole other thing. But yeah, just go find them. They're really easy to find. They're all around town. Just follow the tags. There's a lot of just jerk goblins around here that are just spray painting everything. And um it's costing the taxpayers a lot of money. More than they should to pay for my hair.
00:25:51
Speaker
That's so rude of them. Don't they know that, like, that's just, like, such a jacked thing to do? That is, like, ridiculous. Yeah. Well, hey, you know, that well, that's why you're here, right? Because I don't want to spend any more city resources on it. So yeah, go take care of it. Just don't blow up too much of it, OK? Because otherwise, my janitorial with staff has to go take care of that too. OK. Also, I could smell Jack Lazer's stents from here. I know he's in my city. Please don't let him blow up my town.
00:26:22
Speaker
I will do my best not to, you know, I, um, I have a pretty good, I've got, and like I said, I've got a paddle on me. She like pulls it out of her bag. and It's like this, like, Oh, probably four feet. Nope. No, no, not four feet. Probably.
00:26:41
Speaker
Two feet long, ah like a three inches wide, just a plank of wood with a handle. She starts beating it on her fucking hand. She's like, don't worry. If he gets out of line, I've got him. OK. And then she walks over and she puts her arm around you and she says, I have a feeling this is going to be a fantastic relationship between the two of us. Mm hmm.
00:27:04
Speaker
And then like as you're saying, she grabs you by the scruff of the collar and then by your pants, it just chucks you off the roof. She's like, okay, have fun. Good luck. Bye. And you land on ah on and a mattress that two guys down below are carrying to move into a new um apartment.
00:27:24
Speaker
um and you land safe and sound. So when you're on the ground, let's go to Jack Lazer.
Art Debate and Goblin Conflict
00:27:30
Speaker
Jack Lazer, you took some notes on, at least some mental notes on some graffiti. What do you do? I pull into the parking lot of the local Waffle House. Okay, you are there in the Waffle House. It's bumping today. Hmm, a lot of people in there. And don't see any goblins in there. Do you see any goblins there in there? You know what, roll another investigative mystery and maybe- come out amongst the people. I don't know. 11 hit success. Uh, you tell me, are there, are there, are there goblins in there? No, there's no goblins in there. No, there's no, oh, I found it. Hmm. No goblins in there. Okay. Um, and as I'm looking at the people and I start to make sure all my equipment's in order, I hear how many guards you say were on the roof for that place? Uh, six. So I hear bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
00:28:24
Speaker
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, yes. I wasn't counting my bangs. Gotta count your bangs. Said no man ever. pray wow I'm up to 34 since I turned 18. Women? No, bangs. Individual times? I don't even know how many individual times I've done it.
00:28:45
Speaker
yeah um 34 times total. um What did I say? 600 if I count solo. I hear bang, bang, bang. Oh, man, that's incalculable for me. ah Anyway, I hear bang, bang, bang, baing bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Oh my God. this is ah This is truly a rough town after all. And um I pull out my phone and I call Everett's phone number.
00:29:14
Speaker
Go Everett, Everett, your phone rings. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah, hello. Everett, where are you? I'm a dick. ah you You're a dick? No, you're not. You're like the nicest guy that I know. No, I'm in dick. The place we're supposed to go to.
00:29:33
Speaker
Oh, yes, yeah, I remember now, I remember now. I'm just outside this the town wall. I accidentally landed on top of it and got a bunch of people short. I didn't even know, there's there's a wall around this? Did you say the town wall?
00:29:52
Speaker
isn Hole, like a hole. You're in the town hole, there's a hole in this town too?
00:30:02
Speaker
Well, there might be if you continue to blow shit up. Well, however, only things that need to be blown up was blown up by me like a terrible teddy bear laboratory in a. Something else that place was robust. I need to be i know that was me also. Anyway, I didn't do either. Actually, anyway, doesn't matter. Get out of the hole and come. I'm at the Waffle House on what is this Cranberry Street? Yep, that's great. i I'll go to Cranberry Street.
00:30:30
Speaker
All right, also be careful, I heard people shooting guns around here already. It's 12 o'clock noon. Well, it is high noon, I suppose, but. That was probably my fault, I'm not gonna lie. Oh, you're already getting into some some shenanigans, are you? Well, like I said, I landed on top of the town wall and the mayor, she killed a bunch of people, it was fine. Jesus. Anyway, come on down to You like Waffles? Come down to Waffle House, come on.
00:31:00
Speaker
Are you going to buy me breakfast? It's lunch. That'll be like, uh, not a brunch, but like a breakfast for lunch. Breakfast food is good all day long. I don't give a fuck. You're right. I like, I like bring her myself. Yeah. Anyway, get over here. I'm hanging up. Bye. I like how it's not brunch. It's just breakfast for lunch. Brunch is, uh, the whole thing. It's it's mid morning breakfast.
00:31:28
Speaker
Why would they call that brunch in Brenner, Brenner? But breakfast for lunch is not brunch. That doesn't make sense. As the hoity-toity women of society have coined brunch as their own thing. Fuck you, you avocado-eaten sons of bitches. I'm going to call breakfast for lunch brunch and you can't stop me. You can't. Anyway, yeahp I hang up on Everett and I wait in the parking lot. Okay. Everett, do you go to ah the place? Waffle House. Yep. Yeah. Do you hitch a ride or do you just walk there?
00:31:59
Speaker
Uh, I would say she probably just walks there. OK, we're going to say the moving guys that offer a ride because they don't talk to women that much. You're like, hey, we'll get we'll get. Yeah, we'll give you a ra big truck or whatever you want. No, thank you. You guys look like here. Lots of danger and I am going to get the safety.
00:32:23
Speaker
Hey, what do you mean? i Danger? No, we love Elon Musk. What? We hate women. She pulls out her phone and ah goes to ask Jesse and has him materialize a skateboard for her. Oh, ah yeah. One just like pops out of your phone. Like you see like a butler man's like striped yeah ah suit arms, like reach out and just pushes it out. Like it just pushes one out of your phone as it lands on the ground.
00:32:54
Speaker
He's like, hey, women shouldn't skateboard. That's a men's sport. She takes off. Oh, God. And the one just pats him on the back and he says, someday we'll find a woman who hates herself as much as we do.
00:33:10
Speaker
Um, and so, uh, you skateboard off looking like a so ah slick, um, Tina Hawk out there on the streets and, uh, or Tonya Hawk out there on the streets. And, um, you get to the waffle house where you see, um, what color is your, yeah are you driving your pickup or your white van? Uh, green, green pickup, your green pickup truck out in the parking lot. And you recognize big, burly, muscular sunglasses wearing Jack laser guys. What do you guys, what do you do?
00:33:40
Speaker
Well, I'm i'm just sitting there waiting. she's What do we do? ever oh she's thought You were asking him what he was doing. Okay. Sorry. um goodness he
00:33:51
Speaker
I got all lost in the in the moment. OK, so lost in the sauce. She's going to like do the thing where she flips the um skateboard with her foot and catches it with her hand and then she walks in puts it underneath her ah table like her her seat and ah just kind of looks at Jack laser without saying words like what's up?
00:34:17
Speaker
um i was still I look in through the parking lot and I'm like, I didn't even go inside yet. okay yeah She says what's up to to the to to the air as you walk in. um so You guys get some breakfast. What do you order for breakfast brunch?
00:34:35
Speaker
Waffles. were chicken Chicken and waffles. Chicken and waffles. Pancakes. And pancakes, excellent. ah You do that, and then you guys are eating for a little while. Do you want to talk about anything, and do you want the next thing to happen? Yeah. Yeah, just hanging out eating breakfast. Okay. So, well I got a question for you, Everett. What sir but the heck? You said the mayor killed people? What the hell's going on around here?
00:35:01
Speaker
I don't really know. It was the weirdest thing that I have ever seen in my life. I had never expected any like one of that kind of um a stature to like just off a bunch of people. It was crazy. Who did she kill? What the heck? What's going on? Do you have people with you?
00:35:19
Speaker
ah No, I had I was at a I landed on the the this the building, like I said. And then all of these guys came out of the building and was like just like with guns. And they were like, oh, like you need to get off of here. Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to land here. And then the mayor came out and she just started blasting their own guys. Yeah.
00:35:49
Speaker
That's insane. It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. This town's fucking crazy. Listen, I i like i drove onto some bridges with the the graffiti. It's fucking beautiful. I didn't want to get to you yeah i didn't want to get too into with Blake, but I think graffiti's art. I think people should go to the kids. you know They're just trying to have some fun and and to explore their hobbies and their interests. Some people draw dicks, as you said, or write the fuck word, but there's some good artwork little bit, you know, the goblins just treated themselves on skateboards. though That was kind of boring. But the other ones were some nice still life images of some bowls and some buildings. And why am I getting more of an accent? A weird thing. so Anyway, I was just about to say, you're getting like kind of like a deep voice. That brand again, you're like the buildings. I'm sorry. I just, whenever I think about art, I get a little something happens to me. Something comes over me. You know, I understand you feel a little more sophisticated. It's OK.
00:36:44
Speaker
hey Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, first of all, Blake Ditch is barely paying us so anything anyway. So, I mean, i maybe we can look into this a little bit, make sure these ah these hoodlums aren't getting themselves in too much trouble, but I don't think we should stop them from doing what they love. Maybe get them to do it on like train cars and things instead, but whatever, you know, yeah that's my thought. Yeah.
00:37:05
Speaker
I think that's a good idea. Did you know that there's that place in South Dakota where they have an entire alleyway that it's all beautiful tag art over there? And you have to actually pay for it to put your art down there. I think we should do that here. Oh, that's bullshit. No, no, it should be free and open to everyone. That's bullshit.
00:37:31
Speaker
Yeah, but then that way, at least, you know, here of that if I don't like that at all. Yeah, I you yeah i mean, I understand, but at least it'll be controlled and then they're not worried about, like, getting it on places that they don't want it. I don't. Well, here's the thing. You can't control art. It might surprise you, Everett, but i'm I'm very I have a lot of thoughts on art and you can't I can see that. Put it behind a paywall or behind a locked door. I think art galleries are bullshit. I think selling a scribble on the wall for a million dollars is bullshit. Do you see that banana tucked taped to the wall? That was bullshit. It's kind of interesting, but you're selling it for a million dollars. Bullshit. But this on the bridges down here, I'll show you. It's beautiful. It's art. I love it. The banana was bullshit. I got to agree with you on that one, yeah. Yes. Anyway, I get a little jazzed. It's one of my passions is art.
00:38:22
Speaker
Well, we're learning so much about that laser here. Yeah, you're getting very heated right now. I think you just need to calm down. Get yourself a cup of coffee. Maybe like, you know, think happy thoughts. I'm going to drink this maple syrup right out of the jug. They always always come to That's like my character on ah on in reality. boy And troopers.
00:38:49
Speaker
um ah so so what are you guys going to do are you guys going to leave from the ihop
00:38:57
Speaker
dowa out yeah I'm sorry, the Waffle House, not the IHOP. Sorry, guys. That's what I have near where I live, isn't IHOP? IHOP, International House of Birdsies. I don't have either one of them where I live. Oh, you know what? Actually, a bunch of- Give cherries. You see, like, out of nowhere, like, just streaks of, like, blue and Uh, green and red start, like, darting past the Waffle House, and so, so you just see spray paint just what are you guys going to start to go across the do? Are you guys going to leave from the IHOP? windows. And you see, it says, IHOP is better.
00:39:27
Speaker
I go outside, what the hell? you seely You see there's a bunch of like skateboarding goblins that have like little rockets on the back of their skateboards and like their feet are strapped onto them and they jump off their boards and they're like, yeah, fuck Waffle House. My gob is better. pay The pancakes, the waffles, the spiderwebs. Hey fuckers, first of all, this place has good waffles. Tina in there is working hard. She's honoring two shifts back to back.
00:39:55
Speaker
And she has an old dog at home. She's got a feed. Anyway, hey, this is but this is this is vandalism. What you're doing on the bridges is cool. This is not, man. What are you talking about there, bro? We're just sending a message to the fucks of this city. And of course, we love Tina. She's fantastic. We know she works hard. um What the fuck are you talking about? it ah The fucks at City Hall. the Fuck those guys. Listen, and first of all, what's the city hall to do with the Waffle House?
00:40:24
Speaker
We don't know, this was more of a statement that we want everyone to know that iGob is better. Well hey, hey we know what what wo well first of all, was I never heard of that. What's that place? oh Oh man, it's great. You like like guys want to go? We'll take you there. What is it? What's the iGob? What is that? iGob is the International Goblins of breakfast and um We go there to you know, we're good food is made from like stuff from the earth like ah like dirt pancakes and spider web waffles ah Sure, it's the is it lives there a local location yeah It's just on the outskirts of town and the slums because it's not allowed in the main part of the city That's harsh. But um at the same time can't be starting a culture war between waffle house and I gov. It's not right. I
00:41:13
Speaker
Oh, we didn't start the culture of war. It's already been going on. Waffle House and the other guys, they think they're better than us. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I feel like that, you know, the the menus are completely different. And I feel like, you know, maybe just maybe. You just might need to try both of them. Have you tried both of them?
00:41:42
Speaker
Yes, of course. We're coming here to support Tina. We leave her big tips, but we don't like the food. We just come in because Tina's a good worker. Well, I've seen her, too. You can't say that better. Buddy, man. Come on. Oh, okay. No, no, we're talking about, you know, we leave her tips like written on money. We say, oh, hey, get a better job at I gob. Well, either way. Hey, that's a good slogan.
00:42:07
Speaker
Get a better job at I go. Get a better job at I go. And you guys should get yourselves jobs. They seem like you're very passionate. And you see that one. Another one steps up like real much, much bigger dude, ah like big old kind of like bulldog looking teeth kind of coming out of his jaw. He's like very ogre ish almost um very orchish, I should say. And he goes, what then? Just go to I not I just ate, so I'm not hungry.
00:42:37
Speaker
And he steps back and the other one steps for you guys. So what's the deal? You guys, I see that you have a board with you there, little lady. Yeah, I just it's just a skateboard. It's fine. Yeah, it looks like you really tricked it out. Looks really cool. Looks actually kind of fresh new. Looks like you haven't used it very much. Yeah, I just got it. Yeah. Do you want it, Robert?
00:43:01
Speaker
No, I just got it. And cause I wanted to get away from this crazy guy over there, but if you want it, you can have it. You're just, I don't want your board. I have one with rockets on it. Yeah. Ooh, rockets on mine. We could put rockets on yours or, but why would I put rockets on the competition? Why would would I want to be a competition? I don't fucking live here.
00:43:30
Speaker
You're right, you don't live here. But that doesn't mean that if like you might not want to, to you know... Uh-huh. Yeah, such a job. Just go back to doing in your little spree painting on there and get yourself an alley. Why don't you just get yourself a mother, your big baby? Get yourself a mother? what Just go get yourself a mom. And you see like, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't like a bunch of rocket powered skateboards just like fly past you guys like,
00:44:04
Speaker
and you guys are painted like a bunch of different like rainbow colors and goblin spray paint. Okay, now I'm pretty sure this is a assault. Come on, guys. That's paint. yeah go maybe you're You're fucking with me. Come on, man. It's not right. Never. Yeah, yeah we we win, right? Hey, we defeated. Totally, totally.
00:44:32
Speaker
All right. um And so, yeah, they they like give you guys all the finger and then they just like rock it off on their skateboards. OK. I really don't like those guys now.
00:44:46
Speaker
um Yeah, they were like weird and and gross. Let's let's go find a motel room so you can watch this bullshit off of us. God damn. That's like a good idea. Let's go. Yeah. and That's my truck right there.
00:45:02
Speaker
I'm sorry. Oh, can you see your green truck has been spray painted all sorts of colors and there's like a skateboard on it and there's like a big old green. Ding-a-ling painted on the interior. I think it's not. I know I never lost my car. I don't believe in it. It's the 80s. We don't lock our cars in the 80s. If anybody gets takes anything out of there, they're cleaning it.
00:45:30
Speaker
The queen in the car. There's only garbage in there. Anyway, let's this is now this is season. Okay, I'm starting to learn more now. I thought these were some cool guys that just did some you know outside of the norm art, but no, they're vandalizing personal and and private property now. This is not right. I can't believe they did that to you. It's fucked up. It is fucked up. you guys car You guys hear a helicopter flying overhead.
00:45:59
Speaker
And not again, you hear this guy. You see it's a ah guy who goes, yeah, this is blue. Just call it in. I got a new guy to drop off for you. And he he looks in the back of the helicopter. ah David, what's going on in the in the and the helicopter? um Well, um I was going to have Jimmy Chang literally pull up in a car, but we're in a helicopter now. Well, you can still have him pull up in a car.
00:46:30
Speaker
Wait, hang on a second. I forgot my passenger. I'll be back. Then he flies off. And then Chimichanga pulls up. He pulls up in the car and then you see the the passenger side open. And Chimichanga goes, all right, kid, you got everything you need, right? Here, take this and he hands him a shotgun. and Nice. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you, sir.
00:47:00
Speaker
um Oh my god, is that Jack Lazer? Yeah, that's Jack Lazer. All right, um I'll pick you up later, all right? See ya. Get out of the car now. Oh, okay, sir.
00:47:15
Speaker
And out steps our new character, Chimichanga's replacement, Jay Proto, who looks just like Chimichanga for some reason.
00:47:28
Speaker
yeah but that With the new long hair and the jackets. Wow. He's dressed just like him. Incredible. Yep. Uncanny. It's very uncanny. Does Luke introduce them or does he just leave? No, he just takes off. All right. So you guys see a new guy that looks eerily like Jimmy Changa, but isn't Jimmy Changa standing at your freshly spray-painted truck.
00:47:56
Speaker
Oh wow, what's going on here, guys? What's wrong with your voice, Chimmy? You look a little scrawny today, too. I'm not Chimmy Chang. I'm Jay. My name's Jay.
Jay Proto Joins the Team
00:48:05
Speaker
Who the hell? What? I'm here to help you guys out. Come on. I'm terribly confused. Jack, I'm your biggest fan, OK? Me too. Why are you confused? That is not true. I am your biggest fan. Thank you very much. OK. All right, fine. Well, just like that, OK.
00:48:25
Speaker
He's more of a pussy than Jimmy Chang always says he's a pussy. What did you just say about me? that was That was, that was, that was, um, hands to the head. That was player, not character. He can, he can, he can hear the fourth wall. can Um, anyway, um, uh, well, I guess you can sit in the middle seat between me and Everett or you sit in the back. I'm just going to lay down. I don't know if they're in the middle. Okay. We're going to a hotel room. We got a, a motel room. I'm not that not dropping that kind of paper money.
00:48:53
Speaker
But, uh, got to watch another shoot off of us. Okay. Did you? Okay. All right. Yeah. Oh, they're both covered in spray paint from goblins on, uh, on rocket powered skateboards. Do you have a driver's license kid? Of course. Yeah. Can I trust you with this beautiful piece of what's Toyota? Does that Japanese or Chinese state pride? Japanese, right? Japanese. Yeah. Can I, can I trust you with this beautiful piece of beautiful piece of Japanese equipment? Uh, yeah. I mean,
00:49:23
Speaker
I wouldn't call it beautiful, but all right. Yeah, I'll try. Toyota's a fine brand. All right. Anyway, we're going to drop ourselves off at the hotel, get washed up, and then you're going to take this down to the local ah car wash area and do a good scrub and to get all this shit off here, okay? Okay. Yes, sir. And he salutes. Thanks, Buster. All right. Get in the middle seat there. Get in on the average side. You're going to hit my gear shift. You're coming on this side.
00:49:50
Speaker
I want to find the nearest motel and you can take the car. Okay. Okay. All right. And so ah also, does that count for your, as you wish, if you go take the car to get washed for your your skill? Because you're playing the sidekick, right? I forgot you were being his sidekick. im a side Yeah, so he's a sidekick. ah Yeah, I mean, he doesn't really want to do it. So yeah, I guess he's I guess I mark XP once I get experience point if you do something they don't want to do that the guy that you work for tells you to do. There you go. you need to tell yeah You're right. You're not my biggest fan. You wouldn't you should be relishing the opportunity to sit in his driver's seat, touch the steering wheel he touched.
00:50:35
Speaker
And return his car to mint condition. Maybe he's got some character development going on already. Maybe. Maybe he's like, wow, now that I've met my hero. He's like, hey, I'm not a fan. Maybe this guy actually sucks. Yeah, it looks a lot cooler in the comics, but, you know, closest kind of sucks. So you dropped them off at the at the did you did you pick a motel? I can't remember what you called it. Did you have a name for it? I just I'm going to drive to a motel. Yeah, you dropped you off at the motel for and you go get your self-situated and ah Jay Proto is the name. I almost called you Chima Chanka. Jay Proto goes to take the car to the car washeria to go get all the spray paint taken off. um And you get one experience point for doing that. um who
00:51:28
Speaker
And so Jay, while you bring the truck out the car wash, you notice that there are a couple of pointy eared, kind of gray faced goblins that are kind of sitting on like ah like a couple of milk crates outside, not too far from you, and are kind of s smoking up on something. There's like some big old gray and green and blue smoke clouds just like puffing up out around them. And then they start to get up and they start to approach you. um And one of them kind of gestures with their like while you're in the truck,
00:51:58
Speaker
uh gestures with their hand uh with uh with one of their little rolled up blunts towards you and says hey kid you want to try some of this uh goblin green hmm uh yeah i kind of do but maybe later i gotta i just gotta get this wash to get back oh well you want to take some with you for later i mean we've got extra the first one's free It's free? Yeah, the first one's free. Yeah, give me some of that shit. Yeah, okay, here you go. Yeah, this is the special stuff. This is what we call Goblin Green. It's good for you. I love that. I've never heard of Goblin Green before. For people to call it Devil's Lettuce. Oh, yeah, no, the Electric Lettuce, Jazz Lettuce. No, none of that. This is a special blend that only goblins know how to make.
00:52:44
Speaker
Awesome. Yeah. Well, you know what? I'm done with my shift here. Um, you know, I'll try it and I'll let you guys know if, uh, can I get your numbers? Oh yeah, absolutely. You can have my number in the one guy, um, taps his phone to your phone and his phone numbers logged in there as, as Lux. Wow. That's awesome. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. LULXX in your phone. I didn't get it washed yet. Did I?
00:53:10
Speaker
ah Well you I assume you were coming out the other side you could you could say you didn't wash it if you want I Imagine that that I just wanted to say it. I imagine the paint did not come all the way off No, it definitely did not through the first car wash. It's like spray paint It's definitely not going off in the first wash, but he's just he's just ah he's just gonna leave Perfect with your with you with your new phone number and ah and a new blunt in your hand Yes in my hand while I'm driving. Yes while you're driving the whole time. Yeah. Yeah, I got blood in my hand. Yeah. Excellent. So what kind of tunes are you listening to on the radio or on your Spotify playlist? He's not. He's not listening to anything. He's just it's just quiet. He's just by himself. He's in his own mind. What is he thinking about? ah What the hell is going on here?
00:53:58
Speaker
Why is it why are there goblins hanging out of the car wash man like what's going on? Yeah, does he have any does he have any? ah Do you have any flashbacks to chimichanga training him or anything or? Yeah, he's thinking about how chimichanga told him yo some shit might happen Just roll with it. This is you're just gonna see some weird shit Of that. And does does Jay take that to heart? Does he believe it? Like how dedicated is he to training with Jimmy Chang? A hundred percent he believes. I mean, that's why he took the blunt from the goblins. Exactly. Just roll with it. That's good advice. OK, so do you stop anywhere else in the way back to Motel 4? No, he just goes right back. All right, you go back to Motel 4. You guys couldn't afford much of like room, so you just have like one room with two beds in it.
00:54:48
Speaker
um That's all I figured we get and like a little like one of those little baby like skinny couches that are like wedged by the window um And don't say not a gentleman I laid out on the bed on top of the mattress on up the bedspread go ahead you can take the first first What is it turn in the shower? who who you say Yeah however yeah You're such a gentleman. I always knew that, like, because you know how some people say, don't meet your idols, you'll be disappointed. But I'm not disappointed. Not at all. It's so sweet. That's great. Well, hey, I'm starting to feel very fucky with other shit on me. So hurry up. OK, I'll hurry. All right.
Goblin-Themed TV Chaos
00:55:29
Speaker
Roll for showering. Roll act under pressure to make sure you can shower well in there.
00:55:34
Speaker
You know, it could be a dangerous shower. You don't know. You never know. That water pressure might be crazy. Yeah. Eleven. You're on eleven. It just took a shower. Whose idea was it to roll the shower? That's crazy. You take your idea. All right. You're on eleven and you are so fucking you get that spray paint off. No sweat. You recognize that, you know, with the right amount of elbow grease, it comes right off. Yeah.
00:56:01
Speaker
Um, yeah. So you showered, you know, you can get some elbow grease at your local grocery store. It really helps. Wow. I didn't know that. Thanks, Everett. The more, you know, gee, uh, Joe, um, along with your blink of fluid and, you know, the gluten free water. Yeah. Um, so Jack laser, do you do anything? Uh, also, uh, Jay proto shows up at your door. I'm watching Maury watching Maury.
00:56:30
Speaker
And weirdly, even though it's more you hear, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. And he says, guys, that's the wrong show. Wrong show. Now, when it comes to the case of 59-year-old Blix Gublerina, you are the mother. Whoo! Oh, damn. would never have guessed that she was the mother. Oh, my God. That's crazy. He says, stay tuned for more maternity tests after this.
00:56:58
Speaker
they got her going into the door i guess he's probably knocking at the door uh yes yeah and that's fast uh yeah i mean you know it's uh it's it's spray paint so it's kind of hard to it's kind of hard to get off that car i don't look at just look just look he's gonna he's gonna like just point at the car wow what a mitch god looks like there's a Residual dick, just a shadow of a dick on there still. Shadow of a dick. ah Yeah, it's just not coming off. You know, I went through a couple times or whatever. Sorry. It's okay. You did a good job for- Was he watching Maury? Yeah, yeah. They're doing good. Can I come in? Yeah, come on in. All right, cool.
00:57:49
Speaker
ah Oddly enough, there's a lot of shit about goblins going on on TV today. Yeah, what's up with that? I got some I got this from one of the goblins some friends from some goblins too and he holds up the blunt No, only one blunt Yeah, I bought a loose blunt you bought you paid for that What how much did you pay for that? Oh, no, I didn't buy it. They gave it to me for free No, that's good. I guess at least I got his number two. All right way. Don't become an addict kid.
00:58:15
Speaker
Your phone starts to vibrate like. Oh Whose phone? Your phone. oh Oh, is that my phone? Oh, I check it. ah You have an incoming phone call from Lux. From who? From Lux. Who the hell is that? Lux the goblin. just the um I ignore it.
00:58:41
Speaker
it because It goes the voicemail about 25 seconds later, you get a voicemail. I'll check the voicemail now. All right, you hear ah another one, you hear a lot of like static of her like, oh, hey, it's Lux. I hope this isn't like too weird or anything. But um, you know, just a gang just thought you looked really cool. And they took that blunt so quickly. It was kind of a test. And we were just kind of wondering if you want to like go to the arcade or something.
00:59:09
Speaker
um Anyway, like no rush or anything. You just text me if you don't want to call me. I know people don't like to call anymore. ah Anyway, I hope that you have a really good day. End of message. ah Do we want to go to the arcade with some goblins? yeah I don't. I want to go to the arcade. What's with all the goblins anyways? so Can someone like?
00:59:34
Speaker
ah We have no idea. Apparently they're anti-disestablisharian-isms. Uh-huh. Or something. I thought they were pretty cool. They seem like they did some cool art on the bridges, but now they're they've sprayed us, apparently, as you can see. They're on some sort of ah crusade about Aigab. This place is better than that place, and we live in slums, and we're just sad and sure of everything, and the mayor's killing people. They probably don't like that either, but you know. I gotcha. All right. I'm gonna go shower. I'm gonna go help. Yeah, go shower, Jack.
01:00:04
Speaker
You need some help in there? No, you weirdo. but It's not weird. You want me to get your back? Go to there. I got a plus two to help out.
01:00:19
Speaker
my
01:00:23
Speaker
OK, and then you guys here. We interrupt this program for some breaking news. Well, we got a chopper downtown live with the action. And you see that there's like a ah skateboarding gang war going on out there where it was like guy goblins on rockets and they're going up against.
01:00:45
Speaker
Weirdly government officials also on skateboards and roller skates and they're they're doing like tricks and stuff and like shooting at each other and throwing magic spells at each other from the from the skateboards every time they do a cool trick It's total bedlam out here as the the the war continues between government officials and what appears to be pointy id goblins Random fireball comes up and takes the helicopter out in here. Oh, no, we're going down
01:01:14
Speaker
Well, this is great. This seems like a let them fight kind of situation, doesn't it? Let them fight. I mean, so right I You know, we can just go home or something after this, you know, after Jack gets ah done with his shower. You mean we don't get to go to the arcade? um No, I kind of got bad vibes from those goblins.
01:01:40
Speaker
Okay, but like when we get home, you better take me to the arcade because like you promised. Okay. All right. Uh, sure. Yeah. Yes. Kid. Kid. What? No, not you ever. The kid. I left the towel far from the shower. Can you get it for me?
01:02:01
Speaker
Yes, sir. He stands up and sleets and gets a towel. Oh, yeah, I'm glad you met that guy, because I was not about to come in, and I mean, I could come in if you really wanted me to. What's ever down about there? Tell her to be quiet.
01:02:19
Speaker
Yes. You get in the towel for another experience point, unless you wanted to do that. ah No, you didn't really want to do that. OK, have another experience point, Mr. Sidekick. um So what's the plan? What are you guys going to do as Jack Lazer gets his towel on? um Well, Jack, I don't know how to break this two year, but like yeah the mayor that I was telling in you about, they're like having some sort of weird like war going on downtown. And um I don't know if we should get in the middle of it or if we should just let them figure it out. But I just thought I'd let you know before we ah
01:03:00
Speaker
beside Natsu. Oh my god, I come out wearing some new clothes. this These missions always get really out of control. Yeah, I feel like it just ah went from here to there. She puts her hand at her like hip area and then puts it up over her head. Yeah, I really feel like, well, from what you told me about the mayor killing her own people and What I've seen of these goblins, I really don't like either side. This seems kind of like bullshit. Yeah. I guess we can go see what's going on down there. All right. What about you, J-Pro? What do you think you're going to do? Are you going to stay with us? Are you going to go home? Well, yeah, that's the mission is to help you guys out. So yeah, I'm with you. Sounds good. Because I was worried that you weren't going to stay with us because you were like, you know, I'd rather not. But like,
01:03:59
Speaker
You know, I'm glad to see this. We could smoke some of this shit too, might make it more fun. oh Is that goblin green? yeah I think, yeah.
01:04:11
Speaker
Oh my god, I've always wanted to try that. I have tried everything under the sun. I've tried Lucifer's Lifetime, the Devil's Lettuce, Electric Lettuce. I've tried the Elvish ah Ecstasy, and I've always wanted to try the Goblin Green. Okay, well here it is. It's all yours. breath You want to try it with me? Are we going to do this together?
01:04:38
Speaker
um I don't know, I was told not to smoke anything on this mission. More for us than ever. How are they gonna know? Um, we're being recorded right now. By who? By who? Uh, Chimmy. Oh, what are you gonna say? I've seen Chimmy do all kinds of shit. Yeah, right. Chimmy doesn't give a fuck. She likes it. Where's he recording from? I get a, I get a, I check up my phone and it just says, you better not smoke that.
01:05:09
Speaker
Do you have a body cam? Where's your camera at? Was it voice only? What's happening? What's this? What's this? Yeah, I have a body cam right here. And I point at my body cam that's very visible the whole time. I thought that was the Game Boy or something. You're 12, aren't you? Ever. Give me a hint of that.
01:05:27
Speaker
She takes a big ole and hands it to him. That's this stuff. I look at the body cam and I blow some smoke into it. Chimmy, you watching? You wish you were here, don't you? He says yes. All right, kid. Now take a trip to this. Oh, okay. Chimmy said it's cool. It's cool. Oh, fuck that thing. It takes like the smallest hit. No, no, kid. It's not for you anymore.
01:05:53
Speaker
here go
01:05:56
Speaker
Give it to him. Let him take a hit. We got all experiences to get that. Someone needs a straight head for this mission, so it's going to be him. Oh, he took one. He took one small hit and just starts coughing. See, I told you, you know, the kid. It'll be all right. You'll get there. OK, and then you guys feel like The world got a little bit taller after you all take a little bit of that of of of of the goblin green. um Oh, shit Jack you look over at Everett. She is a goblin now. What is what does she look like? um She has her hair, but she's green and short and has 20 years. OK, pretty basic. OK, cool. Everett, you look over at Jay.
01:06:51
Speaker
Jay is a goblin now. What does he look like? He looks like the real big beefed up like goblin, kind of like the gremlins when they go all nuts and feral. OK, like he's all beefed up. He's got all the muscles and everything just looks all like crazy. He's a roided out goblin. Yeah, ah Jay, you look over at Jack Lazar. He's a goblin now. What does he look like?
01:07:22
Speaker
Uh, he lost all his hair. No, no. And he has a really, he's really short and has very pointy ears. Excellent. Um, and so you guys are all in your goblin forms, uh, as you're getting ready to go to your job and you just kind of see like a strange little rainbow path kind of admitting from your chest, determining where you walk next. What the hell is this? Wait, why are you guys goblins?
01:07:51
Speaker
and I'm never taking goblin weed again, that's for sure. Wait, are we stuck like this? I don't know. We haven probably not even like this. We're hard to see and shit. There's something in that stuff. It's laced. What do you mean? I take a picture of us. Take a selfie. You take a selfie and you're goblins!
01:08:09
Speaker
No, look, we're goblins, man. Return it to goblins, dude. Oh, my God. Last time I hit some random bullshit off the streets again. Oh, God. our and better stuck like What if we're stuck like this? What if but if we're like this forever? Calm down, kid. Jesus. Was
Goblins and Identity Crisis
01:08:24
Speaker
this your first trip? Come on. Yes, it is. It'll be fine. Everything everything worked itself out in the end. No, I can't.
01:08:35
Speaker
We're going to have to go. Also, I just realized, though, if we go down there, the the the people of the town are going to think we're on the goblins' side, and the goblins might think the same thing. So what do you do? What is this rainbow coming out of our chest pointing us in our and our quest objective direction?
01:08:55
Speaker
I don't care, but I love it. She takes off running. or study How do you sober up from ah weed? Are you asking Cass in real life? Cass and and and yeah David? like I know you can drink some coffee once, like, you know, when you're hungry or whatever. We don't do weeds. We don't do the weeds. We don't do. So what hadie what was the question? He's asking you guys all what's over is up from weeds.
01:09:24
Speaker
Well, typically you just take a nap and then, you know, you just wake up and you're good. You wake up and you feel fine. yeah Or like if you're at work, you just kind of feel normal. And then you're like, Oh, I need another hit. It's break time. And then you're fine. Like I work my ass off high as fuck. So it's fine. We believe you really don't want to go down to city city center with a like a goblin, but I guess we got to do it. I mean, do we, we could just, we could just let them fight for a bit. I mean,
01:09:54
Speaker
Well, what if he's already ran off there? So who knows what kind of trouble she's going to get herself into. That's true. ah She's kind of a dumb loose cannon. And she's down just high, so it's even worse. All right, Jack, whatever you say, let's ah let's just chase her down, then. what we can you know We can take our cars. Cars? You have a car? Well, yeah. We we have that Toyota. Yeah.
01:10:21
Speaker
We could take that and then chase her down. She probably hasn't made it that far. You said we'd take our cars, and that's my car. You mentioned there's no second car. Oh, I thought there were two for some reason. Okay. You're a weird guy. All right, let's go and get inside that truck of mine. So you guys going to go chase out after Everett and get into your truck? Yeah. Yeah. You go to get into your truck, Everett. Where are you running to? Where's your rainbow leading you to go?
01:10:49
Speaker
The rainbow is leading me to go to the fight, the fight. To the fight? Okay, so you're just on your skateboards skating towards the the fight downtown? Yeah. All right, and boys, your laser, yourre your yeah, your lasers, your rainbow lasers are leading you to follow after Everett downtown.
01:11:14
Speaker
to where the fight is going on. And you can see explosions off in the distance and fireballs and and gunfire streaking off into the air. Holy shit. There's a lot more than just some kids painting on some bridges. Blake Disney's really good at shit and order. Right. Yeah, I wasn't told about any of this. Oh, kind of yeah, you can he's he's on your speaker phone. He hacked in to your phones and says, right. It's got a little bigger than what I expected.
01:11:43
Speaker
But, uh, you still gotta protect the bridges. I don't care how you solve it. Just don't let my bridges get fucked up. What's the deal with these? What are you doing with bridges? I just have things that I like, okay? I'm paying you, so just, like, do it. Just curious, man. I just like bridges. Right? Like, what do you like? Um, all kinds of things. Why do you sound weird, by the way? Why? What do you mean? Oh, your voice is a bit more gravelly than usual and you sound tinier. Uh, it's a long story.
01:12:13
Speaker
I was going to hang up now. Please don't do this again. All right. Sorry. I was just curious because, um, you know, the monsters that were at my door went away and now I'm bored. ah That's great. Watch the port or something. Bye. but Okay.
01:12:25
Speaker
yeah very andgainst me He sends you a message after it, he goes, any suggestions? any What dot com should I look at? X videos, Riley Read. He'll thank me later. He texts back like, bazinga. And so you guys are heading towards downtown.
01:12:47
Speaker
ah And you see, you're up close to the downtown madness. There's tanks that are driving up in here now with ah with Dick Michigan written on it, the Dick Michigan guard. um And they're firing at the goblins. Whoa, damn. Oh, I just have another one. I text Blake Dancer, Sasha Gray. He goes, I know. He texts back.
01:13:15
Speaker
Nobody has to. Wow, that that they're gonna blow up that bridge over there um there. There's a tank driving over it right now, and there's about 13 goblins trying to shoot it with something. I don't know what, some kind of anti-tank device. Interesting. but they should be yeah Should we intervene, sir? What are you waiting for, kid? God, I get out of the car. and Well, you don't have to be a dick.
01:13:44
Speaker
what
01:13:49
Speaker
I look at you across the hood. What are you talking about? Fuck you, kid. Everett, what are you doing? I feel like she would be in the middle of the fight, just like fighting whoever she comes in contact with, especially like the goblins. But if like the other guys, like the mayor's people or whatever, started attacking her, she doesn't give a shit. She's just going to attack them.
01:14:15
Speaker
You're attacking the guards over the goblins? Is that what you're saying? No, yeah, if they come at her, but she's going to kill the goblins. Oh, they are, because you look like a goblin. They're shooting at your ass right now. Oh, I still, like, I actually look like a goblin to them, too. Yes, you're a literal goblin right now. Oh, OK. All right. Well, never mind. She's going to go after the guards. OK, what do you do to the guards as you're out there on your skateboard doing sick tricks and shit?
01:14:41
Speaker
So she's got her paddle out and she's just gonna start whapping him in the fucking head. you going to start we You're gonna start paddling them? Yeah, she's got like that big board, ah like paddle, and I actually have woodwork. So it's like, you know, like two feet long. She's got holes in the the front of it, and she's got a duct tape wrapped around the handle, and she's just gonna start whopping the crap out of people. All right, roll kicks some ass against those guys. Okay. Also, I think you dropped out a roll 20. I don't see you in there.
01:15:19
Speaker
um ah it Yeah, like for some reason like kick down you internet ah So you're going I don't know why either your skateboarding and paddling at the same time. It would seem Kick some ass pick some a and anus Wow, that's a fiver and I got a five. It's another experience a Luck point though. Okay. Well, I really want this to happen. Okay, so you're gonna use a luck point for ever What is your luck special by the way?
01:15:50
Speaker
Uh, when you spend a luck point, you're going to suffer some technical difficulties, breakdowns, communication problems, weird noises in their recordings, et cetera. Although I'm not really doing anything technical, so I don't know. That's okay. You'll suffer. it You'll suffer it later. Just not now. Um, yeah yeah fine much so you start clocking some random goons, I would say, or just whacking their handguns out of their, uh, pants. Um,
01:16:18
Speaker
And yeah, you're doing that. And while you're doing that, like some one of the guards grabs you and says, I know someone who's going to want to talk to you. And he takes you over to. um the mayor that you talked to earlier in the blue pantsuit. And she says, well, well, well, looks like your disguise finally was shed and you're in fact one of them. I thought I could trust you, but in fact, you're just a little shithead. I could tell exactly who you are by the dumb rainbow hair that you have. My hair is not dumb. Thank you very much. Oh, it's dumb. It's dumb. You should feel dumb for having it. You're just jealous. You wish you looked this good with these hairs.
01:17:00
Speaker
You have like pointy little teeth, and a pointed nose, and weird pointy ears, and you're on a skateboard. You look dumb. You're one of them. I knew I couldn't trust you. It's because I smoked the lady. Good grief. She pulls out like a bullhorn. Hey, everyone, it's fine. She smoked the goblin green, an illegal substance. Yeah, it's fine. Mm-hmm. It's fine. Everyone just let her alone, because she understands she smoked an illegal substance, and that makes it OK, right? And everyone starts laughing.
01:17:30
Speaker
I'll turn back to normal soon, it'll be fine, don't worry about it. It doesn't matter, you already smoked the stuff. Where do you think all these goblins came from? From smoking the goblin green. Oh no, are we stuck in this forever? We're stuck in this forever? Yeah, you're here in the bullhorn and she's like yelling that out.
01:17:49
Speaker
this Jack laser you also hear just like just like Jay heard that on the bullhorn as you guys pull up She's yelling that like these guys are goblins because they smoke goblin green well for the day so fucking great So you guys are in goblin mode Jack laser Jay you guys show up ah you currently see that um
01:18:21
Speaker
In the midst of all the chaos, you clock that ah Everett is currently being held captive by the mayor and her her squad. What do you gentlemen do? um What do you do? Should we help her? Should we like help her out? like um You can if you want. i i She'll be probably be fine. She's pretty resourceful. ah She can like make things materialized out of her phone. so i mean She's like a magician. Okay. um so Then what are we what are we going to do here?
01:18:51
Speaker
I'm kind of curious what all this is about, you know, so I'm gonna go over to the ah Goblin side and see if I can talk to some people. Be careful, there's a lot of like ah gunfire going on and all that. Jack like walks jack like walks casually like down as like things are blowing up and like bullets are wasn't passing and he turns around he's like holding his arms out like, what gives you your first war zone? Come on. ah Yeah, it is.
01:19:17
Speaker
And then he jogs off towards the goblins. Oh, dang. Jay is going to, Jay is going to crawl, like army crawl behind Jack. That's a very, that's a very good character trait. I like that. Um, so Jack laser's running into the freight. Uh, Jay proto is crawling, doing a snake crawl on the ground. Uh, Jack laser, what do you do as you run into danger? What are you, what are you doing? I try and find a goblin. I try and find a goblin Fox hole where they're like kind of like hunkered down.
01:19:47
Speaker
So I can find somebody who's not actively like maybe not actually shooting at the moment or whatever I can. Yeah, you actually find the skate park where they're hunkered down on like this for their fighting. they're And so like they're like doing they're doing like little tricks down in there and and like the little kid section, which which is the lowest part of the of the of the place. The shallow end. OK. No, no, it's the deep end. It's where it's safest for the close. OK, it's a low. It's deep for kids, deep, yeah it deep, deep for the kids to go down to there so they can practice in peace away from everyone else. OK.
01:20:16
Speaker
I see I got in there. i so I slide down into the hole and I look for somebody who's just kind of chilling out at the moment. Yeah, you see one that's smoking some goblin green. It's like he's like he's looking at his watch every so many minutes since it's not my shift yet. and That's what I say when I smoke. a Hey, buddy, excuse me. What? My name is Jack. What's your name? They call me physics.
01:20:41
Speaker
Okay, physics, I'm a new i'm a new newly minted goblin now, I'm just curious, what's this what's all the fighting and all the fuckery about, huh? Because the mayor sucks, that's why, and she doesn't like that goblin kind is making more of a presence around here.
01:20:57
Speaker
OK, so it's sort of right. So let's say the chicken and the egg. Who started who started far what started beating you guys up? What's happening? What? We've been getting all sorts of bad rep around here. Our schools getting demolished. Our skateboards getting broken. Being pushed into the shittier part of town. She doesn't want us around here, so we're leaving our mark. That way people know that we exist. OK.
01:21:20
Speaker
Open Warfare might not be the best bet, but ah okay. Hey, they started it. We didn't do Open Warfare. They did this shit. I mean, that's true, but I mean, there's all kinds of ways to... Anyway, um so okay. ah So we're going to try to kill the kill the mayor and all the people of the town? and whats what's What's the deal here? We were just going to leave our mark until we got some news publicity, but now they're opening fire on us. So yeah, kind of. We're just going to cast some spells and probably blow her up or something.
01:21:48
Speaker
ah the might might might Might send a wrong overall message, I think, but... Well, you tell me what to do. You're a new goblin. Where do you come from? um I was never given a home, but... So you're just like us? No, i just my backstory doesn't include a home. Oh. Well, my backstory includes a home, but I got addicted to Goblin Green, and that's who I am now. Yes. I took a little sip myself, and here I am. um Obviously, it's where goblins come from. Okay, I i could i could do a deep dive in goblin lore, but it's not the time. um That's interesting, but I'm not going to worry about it right now. and You see, like as you're talking to him, like ah the goblin form of Jay Proto was like gradually crawling like down into the into the skate park where you're at, talking to him. Hey kid, hey, this is, uh, physics, this is Jay, my associate.
01:22:44
Speaker
Oh, God, that was terrifying. How the hell did you just walk through all that? There are fucking bullets going everywhere. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of um lot of battles, and, you know... Holy shit. A veteran, you see. We're gonna die here. and And if we don't die, we're gonna be stuck like goblins. No, I'm probably not gonna die, kid. What are you... Of course not. Anyway, I'm just talking to physics here. It seems that all of the goblins um ever in the entire world, physics, that correct? They're all from smoking the goblin green. Who are you asking that? Uh, physics. Uh, I mean, as far as, as far as I know there, bud. Okay. So yes yes, CJ, there's various, it's kind of interesting. I didn't know that all goblins that ever existed were made by just smoking. There were humans that smoked to this stuff. I thought they were just born from other goblins. So either way, that's interesting. Um, but it was stuck like this.
01:23:36
Speaker
We don't know. Who really stuck like this? TBD. Come down, come down. Not much you had there, bud. I had one, I had one whole hit. You had, he took like a, he smoked, he breathed in like one, like micro gram of air. Yeah, but I inhaled it. I inhaled it. Yeah. It seems like yours is going to wear off pretty soon. Your ears aren't pointy. What? Okay, all right. He takes the shotgun barrel out of his mouth.
01:24:06
Speaker
Jimmy really taught you well, didn't he? Yeah, he did. He said if anything gets bad, all you need is one bullet. Yeah, he's he's never gone through with it, so I wouldn't follow that too much to a T-buddy.
Magic and Goblin Green Debate
01:24:16
Speaker
How much have you had?
01:24:18
Speaker
Because I can't call you a goblin like me if you're still just... Well, that's fine, buddy. That's fine. ...in the minor leagues. That's that's fine. so Also, stop breathing and shooting my face, because I want to be this forever. um Oh. Ah. He turned his head. Thank thank you. That's very considerate. We're just trying to... So, Chimmy, or not Chimmy. I'm sorry. You're not Chimmy. He looked at you. He looked like him. He does look a lot like Chimmy Chanka. Jay, who would have shut up?
01:24:41
Speaker
Jay, so this these guys told me here that all these people here, they smoked the ganja and now they're goblins and they want to just live a normal life now that they've realized that they could either stop smoking their weed or they could become goblins forever. And they said, well, guess we're goblins forever. um But then the mayor started ordering people to be dicks to them and pushing them out of town and destroying their schools and all this shit. I guess they made their own schools after having smoked the ganja. Where else are we going to learn?
01:25:11
Speaker
I don't know because you're not going to the normal schools here. Well, I guess not because they're racist, but either way. um So anyway, there's a whole thing going on here, and ah the apparently the townspeople of the city ah have opened fire first on these guys. Well, the mayor opened fire on us, to be honest. She did it. She sounds like a loose cannon, for sure. She killed her on men. She has loose cannons over there. Look. Yeah.
01:25:33
Speaker
so um Maybe do you guys have a bullhorn, so maybe we can get everybody who's not her on on to like sway them to our side, because clearly she's the problem. Do any of you guys know extra magic? Because some of us know magic. We could magic together to make a big loud noise or a big loud speaker. I don't do magic, no, sorry. What about you, young guy? No, I'm just a weird dude. You're just a weird dude? Yeah, but we have some of the magic in you. I can see it emanating from you.
01:26:01
Speaker
Oh, God, no, I shouldn't have smoked that thing. No, no. Oh, no. He puts the shotgun back in his mouth. OK, come on, I push it away. Come on, I can come to you guys. But you can't you can't just like I told Jimmy, you can't go to that every time something goes wrong. What do you mean? No, this is not slightly wrong. I don't want to be like this forever. He just told you, man, you're like, you're right. Turning peach colored against your nose is already back to normal. Oh, oh, thank God. You were an attractive little goblin. Oh, I didn't want to be a hideous freak like you. I mean,
01:26:31
Speaker
I mean, I just didn't want to be a... Yeah, okay. You know, it's okay. We all go through it after we take too many hits. Cats out the bag. All right. So neither one of you knows magic then, so it's going to be up to us to save the day. I guess I can try. I mean, what do you need me to do?
01:26:47
Speaker
I just need you to to do an incantation with one of us that also knows magic and we can try to create the... What did you want us to do? A bullhorn? You mean like a horn from like a big... Like a centaur or something? Or like a guy or a minotaur? I think people put it in their mouths and make their voice go louder so everybody can hear it. Oh, the big talky boom. Yeah, we can make a talky boom. Yeah. Cool. Hey, kid. Do you want to work with us to make a talky boom to save your rainbow-haired friend over there?
01:27:15
Speaker
i He looks up from his phone, and he's like, what? No, I i just ordered i ordered one. yeah We have drones that can just deliver everything. like ah See here it comes now. Oh, here it comes. Oh, look at that. Wow. Thanks, Sierra Corp. And ah they drop off a board. Oh, it's not Sierra Corp anymore? Fuck, how long have I been out? Shit.
01:27:39
Speaker
Should lay off the goblin green. Oh, my God. See, the more that you smoke at this stuff, the more goblin you become, and the less you remember your human self. Hmm. Yeah, maybe it should be illegal. You say it shouldn't? No, maybe it should. Maybe you should. Maybe it's not like normal green. It's, ah you know, maybe it actually fucks you up. I mean, it turned me into this, but... Yeah, that's pretty fucked. That's all I remember. That's pretty fucked, my guy. Wow. Wow, you've really made me see the error of my ways.
01:28:09
Speaker
I'm stuck like this forever though, but I'm going to until all the humans not to do goblin green. ah you You could also just, he doesn't actually hand him the shotgun and he cuts himself off mid sentence. Anyways, Jack, here's your, ah here's your, here's your bullhorn. Well, thanks. Um, and also feed the physics. Maybe if you go like on a cleanse, you know, like a keto cleanse or like a a juice cleanse, maybe you'll get it all out of your system. I don't know. I don't think it, I don't think it works like that. I've been a goblin for, um,
01:28:39
Speaker
Fuck. Hey, listen to to the power of positive thinking. Anything's possible. Anyway, I stand up on the edge of the thing that I put the bullhorn to my mouth. All right. So before we get to what you say, Everett, you're over there. You're being held by the guard and the mayor. um What do you do?
01:28:56
Speaker
Um, she's going to see because I feel like she would have like an earbud in her ear. So she would be like, it's not like I could like ask Jesse or anything to like conjure me like ah something to defeat these assholes or anything. We can hear this.
01:29:21
Speaker
and And then out of your phone crawls um a picture of the mayor ah laying on the ground in a pile of blood. And you hear, a defeated asshole, just like you wanted me to print, ma'am. And he hands that to you and then goes back into the phone.
01:29:42
Speaker
Thanks so much, you're not helping son of a gun. Well, I just heard that a luck special was used and I started to malfunction and glitch. Sorry, my B. Oh my god.
01:30:02
Speaker
So you have a picture of a defeated asshole. this just seems to be She's going to try to get out of the grasp of the guard and like shimmy up his back, like try to like. Yeah, roll act under pressure to get or or you could do kick some ass if you want to make it into some sort of attack. Either one is fine.
01:30:24
Speaker
I know she's just going to like try to get it to where ah she's on his back and ah like in between her. ah So she's using him as a shield between him and the mayor. I feel you. Yeah. All right. trying to like Get it out. What was in my brain? and I was trying to turn into a backpack. So you were out of the light of fire. yeah Yes. Yeah.
01:30:50
Speaker
Alright, I'm gonna say since you're a little tiny you probably like slipped out enough that you can kind of get on his back So he's like reaching for you like as you're trying to climb back there He kind of catches your ankle, but he's like come here you little shit, but then like your legs start a bit longer um Because like some of the effects of the weed is wear enough Now you're just a taller goblin woman He goes, What the hell? um And so like right now he kind of has been like an Alabama slam position where like you're upside down on his back and he has your ankles like as he's reaching back over his head to grab you and you're just kind of tussling right now. um What do you do? And the the mayor is just like, shes Oh, come on. And she tries to walk around the back of them like it just pulls out like a glockens like looks like she's about to try to start shooting at you. What do you do?
01:31:33
Speaker
Uh, she's going to try to crawl underneath his legs. Like, um, since she's upside down, she's just going to like try to crawl upside down and unbuckle his, uh, belt and try to get away. Okay. You, uh, sure. let's Let's, let's just call what would I even call that role? Jesus. Um,
01:31:59
Speaker
You know what let's call it just this let's call it a sharp roll Just because like you have to be real precise with what you're doing while he has a hold of you um We'll just have that be sharp. Let's see what a big fat 11. Yeah, I don't know Yeah, you slip out of his hands perfectly on unbuckle his pants or his belt his pants drop down below his ankles and he goes oh I'm so embarrassed and then you see he's wearing like a Russian flag themed pair of boxers and The mayor goes not in my town and just guns them down um she killed um She goes ah I always had a feeling that he was some sort of
01:32:36
Speaker
Russian spy commie bastard. um And then she starts blasting at you. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. She's running. And like her her Glock, you see, has like one of those like like bullet belts. I don't know what those are called. What what the fuck are those called, Justin? Those belts of bullets. Now talk about your.
01:32:56
Speaker
Bandolier! I remember you said it last time. When you called something weird last time, I didn't say anything, but... I don't know what it's called. A bandolier. The gun has a bandolier of 9-mil bullets. It just feeds into its magazine and she's shooting. It's like... That's called something else. I don't know what that's called. Hey, you know what? It's a bandolier of bullets for her. She has a belt-fed Glock. Yeah. She has a belt-fed Glock. A bandolier belt fled-fled Glock.
01:33:23
Speaker
and double up it That's right. If you play it backwards, I said it perfectly. um sir So, yeah, she just fired at you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What do you do? I'll give you one more thing to do before we cut back to the bullhorn action. She's going to try to run behind a pillar nearby or something that she can hide behind. All right. Act under pressure as the bullets are getting closer to your tootsie toes and your arms and your face holes.
01:33:50
Speaker
Yeah, she's digging and zagging as she's running. She's zagging and zigging. And sometimes zigging and zagging at the same time. 11. That's an 11. Hot damn, son. You're like, you zig, you zag. A bullet comes right next to you and says, oh, I'm going to get you, Everett. I'm going to kill you, zombie girl. And then it doesn't. As Jesse sticks his hands out of your phone and flicks it off into the into the moon's light.
01:34:16
Speaker
um o Oh, can her can her feet fall into the the the asshole that in the picture, because it like it popped out of her phone. So she it's like ah an invisible trap, quote unquote. And so she like goes to step she steps onto the picture and her feet sinks into the picture. Do you mean the woman who's shooting at you?
01:34:39
Speaker
Yeah. OK. Yeah. I was just blown away by the sentence. Can her feet sink into the asshole ah for a second? And I was like, what? The asshole picture. So, yeah, she gets her ankle caught in the asshole picture.
Mayor's Tyranny and Resistance
01:34:52
Speaker
okay And she's like, oh, my foot is stuck in an asshole picture. Oh, and she shoots. um uh as a tank starts to another tank starts to roll up and then like several guys with several uh rocket propelled grenades are setting up on top of the bridge um let's go back to uh j and jack what are you guys doing now that you have your bullhorn that was delivered from someone that's not sierra corp apparently holy shit things are getting real is rocket propelled grenades up there on that bridge yeah yeah there're they've been here the whole time and
01:35:30
Speaker
I just noticed, I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm going to try something here called a pro military move. And I say through the bullhorn. Hey, everybody, we're going to stop fighting. I don't know if you know this, the goblins are people.
01:35:47
Speaker
Just like you and me. was I wasn't like stretching out until like a taller goblin. Yeah, yeah. So you're getting taller as you talk, like your hair's growing coming back in. It's like real thin and balding, but it's growing back in. They were humans. They they smoked the devil's lettuce and now they're goblins.
01:36:02
Speaker
And either way, they're still living creatures alongside us. um The mayor sounds like she's a bitch and is trying to be really mean. She's killed a lot of you guys I've seen and heard. ah So maybe we should stop fighting each other and start getting along and not doing whatever big government wants us to do. Huh? You hear you hear Felix behind you is kind of like talking to Jay and he says, actually, the devil's lettuce turns you into devils. That's why it's called the devil's lettuce.
01:36:26
Speaker
what No, no, he's just talking about weed. That's just weed. Oh no, if you smoke and or eat lettuce that's made by the devil grown in your garden, you'll turn into a devil, too. Well, he's talking about weed, dude. He's... Huh? So anyway, in the spirit of brotherhood, let's just all get along. Roll, uh, manipulate someone. I'm gonna roll to help him out.
01:36:48
Speaker
I got a 12. I don't need it, baby. He doesn't need it. Never mind. Do you have to? As they look at me, i guess they see they see half human, half man rising before them, spreading the word of peace. The messiahs was prophesied to stand between goblin and humans. You see some of the guys laid on their arms. You see the rock and roll grenade guys put their guns down, their grenades down. And they go, wow, I didn't know they were people. And then you're pow, pow, pow. And you see the woman with her foot stuck in a photographic turn around, just shoots them all down, pow, pow, pow.
01:37:18
Speaker
She says, all right, now listen, you can listen to me and die if you don't listen to me, or you can listen to him and die to him because he's the bad guy. That was that was sounded better in my head when I was talking. See, guys, she's crazy. She's killing more of you. I'm going to kill her now. Don't worry. I throw the bullhorn aside.
01:37:37
Speaker
and i do ja I'm picking up the bullhorn and being like, wow, lady, that was really fucking lame. That was the lamest shit I've ever heard. Everybody, like, let's just, just grammar, just to take, to tie our ass up or something. I don't know. it throw Throws a pole horn. You hear someone yell out, but she'll shoot us. What? up I'll shoot you myself. You don't, if you don't. And then I fire off a a warning shot from the shotgun. Oh, my pants. Because sorry I didn't mean to hit you. You didn't. You, I shit them because of you. Oh, okay. All right. Okay.
01:38:18
Speaker
Sorry. hear You hear the mayor says, OK, I don't know where the guy who shit his pants is, but he needs to come forward so I can finish him off. Where are you, you son of a bitch? And she starts looking around ah while just like firing her gun consistently over where she saw Everett.
01:38:39
Speaker
Hey, Rainbow Girl, you want to be friends? You could be assistant to the mayor of Dick, Michigan. What do you say? The assistant? The assistant to the mayor. Does that mean that you're going to stop shooting at me? Only if you help me win and be my assistant. Sure, I'll help you. All right. All right, cool. go Go find that guy that shit his pants, please, and go bring him here. OK.
01:39:13
Speaker
Excellent. Everyone, the new assistant to the mayor. You got to stop shooting, though. Obviously. You got to stop shooting. She stopped shooting at you and she started shooting over where she where she saw Jack laser standing up to announce on the bullhorn. What do you do? I ever heard Jack laser. Huh? I ever heard Jack laser.
01:39:34
Speaker
Everett, sorry. What does Everett do? Because that's who I was talking to. Sorry. Everett, what Everett, what do you cant do?
01:39:41
Speaker
She's going to try to find a good vantage point to ah get out of the mayor's eye line. And then. Who is the guy that shoot his pants? He doesn't have a name. He's just often the these often. OK, it was just a random NPC. Yeah.
01:40:02
Speaker
Gotcha. Okay, so she's gonna... You see you see an exclamation point over his head that says McShedefist. Daryl McShedefist.
01:40:12
Speaker
Can she see the exclamation point? Of course you can. No, can the mayor? No, of course she can't. It's your quest. Okay, so she is gonna be like, mystic yeah Mr. Mr. Guy who shoot his pants? She's gonna pretend and walk like right around him and like ah just pretend that she still doesn't see him. I don't know where he's at. Did you have his name? No, I don't. Obviously, I don't know anyone's names.
01:40:51
Speaker
ah God, I don't know if I want to be my sister anymore Well, I'm gonna like I'm gonna have to get paid double if I'm gonna have to start running around and smelling people's butts because like how else am I supposed to know if they shit the pants? It's weird that I can hear you so perfectly even though you're so far away at a high vantage point But yeah fine. I'll pay you double after I cut your salary in half I'll cut it in half and then double it You're gonna ti cut, no, I said double it, double. Exactly, I'll cut it in half and double it, my god. No, no, you're gonna double, double it. She's trying to give her, yeah um she's trying to give Jack and. Yeah, yeah, I'll give it.
01:41:36
Speaker
They're trying to give them some time to do something. A distraction. Yeah. So they're having this argument about pay salary. um Jack Lazer and Jay, you guys are standing over where the half pipe is and ah she is distracted. Some of the other humans have come up to you guys like while they're arguing. And one guy with like a big old beard and mustache um yells down and goes to ah to Jay and he goes, hey, kid. Hey, kid, is it true what you said?
01:42:06
Speaker
We should just stop all this. I mean, the Jack said that, yeah. What did you say then? ah I said that was really lame when ah she she said some dumb shit. I don't know. Is it true what you said that that was really lame? It was lame, yeah. And and and that's Jack over there? um Do you not know Jack Lazer? Oh, that's Jack Lazer? Oh my God.
01:42:36
Speaker
Wow. Oh, yeah. He's so I forgot he's still ago. Yeah, I mean, I just I didn't expect. I just he looked different in in in the movies and then in the news. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you look like a normal dude to me. I just, you know, wait, really? Well, hell yeah. Thank God. I thought I was going to be stuck like those ugly motherfuckers forever. Oh, my God. I'm like still here, guy. I mean, I'm trying to be cool with this stuff. Shut up.
01:43:06
Speaker
I was going to teach you how to use magic and shit, my guy. I already can use magic. I fucking knew it. Liar. I said you were just a weird dude. Yeah, let me cast Fireball. Don't you fucking it dare. You'll kill everyone on the whole block. And he just shoots his shotgun at the at that goblin. Oh, my God, you shoot at him. He's pissing him off. He's at a short temper, just like Jimmy Chang. Kick some ass. It's consistent. I don't know what to say. them well Roll kick some ass against, uh, Fezix, I guess. That's an eight. You know what? He was blindsided. He don't know. You you shoot him and he you kill him dead. He dies of deadness from shotgun blast. Yep. That's, that's what happens when you mess with Jack. Jesus Christ, Jay. What the hell was that? Well, he was pissing me off, man. I don't know. You punch him and you shock him with a jaw. You don't kill him. I didn't think I'd kill him, man. I only does, I mean, he shockingly does three damage. It's a shotgun. I don't know what you're talking about, three damage, but it's a shotgun.
01:44:09
Speaker
All right. We're killing. His eyes light up. His like eyes light up gold for a second. He goes, we only have three harm capacity. Jesus, I pull back up. Back, back, back. Zombie.
01:44:27
Speaker
Now, that was that was justified. He was a zombie. ah Yeah, that's right. That's right. He was a zomblin. It's a goblin zombie zombie. The Gombe. Yeah, we don't do it. We don't even fuck with a Gombe. That's a zombie goblin. But this is a goblin zombie. Yeah. So ah so ah yeah, that guy's like, so what do we do? She's going to shoot us if we if we go against her. Just shoot her. I left my tank ah alone back there to come and talk to you. Well, let's just take it. It should be fine myself.
01:44:58
Speaker
Just start a coup, man. Just start a coup, brother. Just turn around and shoot at her. Kill her instead. I'm just going to go get her, okay? I'm going to go get her. It's fine. Wait, so are we shooting her or are you going to go get her? I'm going to get her. You just stay calm. You stay here with these guys. Don't smoke their weed, though, unless you want to become a goblin. Actually, that's awesome. There's pizza over there, though. They got a lot of pizza down here.
01:45:19
Speaker
And they must be happy. He goes, hey guys, fruit pizza! And a like half the squint rune like fucking just like comes running over and like stampeding past you guys to go towards the pizza. And I'm like, I just, remember, ah don't smoke the weed unless you want to become a goblin. I love you. That's whatever. They'll figure it out. And they're like, hey, you guys want to try some green? It's goblin green. but Makes the pizza taste better. Oh man, a lot of pizzas taste better. Let me try some. You see that one comes up to you, Jay, because you want a taste of the goblin green?
01:45:48
Speaker
No! so And he gets up and starts to running after after Jack.
01:45:56
Speaker
All right, more for me, I guess. um So you you guys are running towards ah the mayor? Yeah. All right, you run towards the mayor and she's trying to get her foot at a stuck out of a photograph while yelling at ah yelling at Everett up on a high-rise somewhere on a bridge.
01:46:15
Speaker
And she's like, she's not looking at me. No, she's not looking at you. She's looking up screaming at Everett. She's like, I told you I'll cut the salary in half and then double it. And that's the best that you're going to get. I'm going to tackle her. You're going to tackle her? Yeah. All right. Everett, you what do you say to keep her distracted a little longer while Jack laser tackles her?
01:46:36
Speaker
ah No ma'am, if you are gonna make me sniff the butts of people and smell shit all day, I am getting double and you're not cutting anything in half. Can you hear Daryl McShenifus? If you do, then I'm gonna call my father. Daryl McShenifus is like, yeah, her father. I don't know who that is, but we're gonna call her. Who's your dad?
01:47:00
Speaker
He's like the guy with the face. He's really important. It's fine. Don't worry about it. He's like he does shit. It's yeah, he has a face and he does shit. um And so like while you're screaming down there, Jack laser, you tackle, roll a roll and act under pressure to to make sure you do that without being caught. Big fat. Fourteen Jesus priming. Pretty good. o Oh, oh, that's like a bonus on that.
01:47:24
Speaker
You took a bonus on acting pressure. I took advanced on that. I took advanced on that. What's the advance for acting pressure? Plus, you may choose to either do what you wanted and something extra, or to do what you wanted to absolute perfection. Oh, okay. Oh, what do you want to do? I want to do what I wanted and something extra. Okay. Paint me a word picture. I want to tackle her and then immediately pull out a zip tie that I have and zip tie her hands.
01:47:48
Speaker
You tackle her and you zip tie her. And she goes, oh, I'm tackling on zip tied. Ah. Yeah, you're damn right you are. Oh, I hate my life. Oh, I hate these dumb goblins. Why are you so much heavier than me now all of a sudden? You're huge. I'm normal size. Shut up.
01:48:05
Speaker
oh Oh, I just wanted to try Goblin Green for myself. I wanted to outlaw it and confiscate it and just have it all for me. Yeah, yeah. Typical person saying that something's bad is what they really want to do with themselves. They like it themselves. It's just classic. Anyway, I also want to try to kiss a girl.
01:48:22
Speaker
Okay, well that's fine. You're going to have some chance because you're going to go to the all-girls prison upstate. Hooray! Somebody sent her to the man's prison because he's it's been's a punishment for her. Oh no, man or yucky.
01:48:38
Speaker
so do yeah He's going to be a goblin all right. Whoa! Goblin Dees, Goblin Dees nuts. Wow! Doesn't even make sense. You see, like, 16 goblins show up out of nowhere next to you, Jay, and I'll offer a high five. Like, yeah, that was good. Yeah. Goblin Dees nuts. All right, awesome. And you notice, that like, some of them are wearing, like, city guard uniforms and stuff. They've all... It's just people... oh's guys Guys smoke the fucking goblin green.
01:49:12
Speaker
Evan, this is where it's at. Goblin life is freedom. You guys might be stuck like that forever. You realize that, right? Honestly, it's the only way I can get out of my awful marriage. No, it's not, man. The horse. You could just... I mean... Yeah, you could just leave. You'd never show up. Maybe a deadbeat father. That's what you're going to be now. I'm going to be a goblin at the same time. Well, now I'm going to be... I'm going to be a meat goblin. A goblin that loves meat. Do you want to be a goblin?
01:49:41
Speaker
I mean, i'm I'm allergic to nuts, but I mean, ah you know, I could see someone being that goblin if they love nuts. Sure. Okay. All right. This is weird. Anyway, okay. This might be a big pandemic across the country, this just goblin green, but um it's not my job. Hold on, hold on. Maybe the mayor is on or something here. I'm not the DEA.
01:50:00
Speaker
Yes, child. Yes, what you were saying, young man. Yes, I'm on to something. Shut the fuck up, lady. Don't talk to Jay. He's my assistant. I want to kick her. I want to kick her while she's down.
Courtroom Drama and Justice
01:50:11
Speaker
Oh, my ribs and other places. Damn, Jay. Yeah, stuff for the sake of rest. She's running her mouth. She needs to shut up.
01:50:22
Speaker
You're right. I'm going to pick her up. Where's the rainbow goblin girl? Ask her. You tell her to bail me out. She's my assistant. No, just quit talking crazy. There's no rainbow goblin girl. They're just ever up there standing on the bridge. Look at her. you and A human woman. She's all waving. She does have a rainbow. She does have a rainbow still coming out of her stilts, sir.
01:50:41
Speaker
ah go Anyway, point it's the rainbows going like rain to Jack laser. Get the thing off me. It's disgusting.
01:50:52
Speaker
And I look at all the goblin guards and like the human winds and whatever and people that are around like alright We're gonna need at least some of you guys testify against her in a court of law cuz we're gonna send her up Send her luck our way for life for killing a lot of you guys can cold blood that sounds like um And also just orchestrating this whole sort of citywide warfare thing ah So yeah You see, one of the goblins like has a purple glowing scepter in his hands, and he has like a bunch of the the dead humanoid guards like kind of walking behind him like a zombie. He goes, these guys will testify for sure. I don't think they're testimonies of being miserable in court. What are you talking about? They they were there. She killed them.
01:51:32
Speaker
Yeah, but i don't I don't know if dead people can do a thing in court. I mean, I don't know. We'll see. if the most one i don't know We'll see. I guess bring them bring them to the court date. I don't know. But either way, we need somebody, some of you living people to just the case. But ah yeah, either way. Yeah. Yeah. Are you guys going to come to the court hearing? I mean, I guess we have to. We probably were witnesses here today. So yeah, probably. OK. Well, let's all go to court then, guys.
01:51:57
Speaker
But don't bump bump bump. Real cases, real people, some crimes, the most painters, which is a one. Judge. Judge Kangaroo. Judge Kangaroo. You see Judge Kangaroo is sitting in his in his chair and he goes, right on. Hey, what's up? I got this and I got caught a court. I thought I'd like a case at a mayor. Oh, my God, this guy. Can we have to say that? Can we just dip?
01:52:27
Speaker
Now listen, we got the best attorney in town. What? Larry Long, Larry larry Long Fogg horn over there. I'm just a small town control of ya. Jay puts his shotgun in his mouth again. howd you get security
01:53:36
Speaker
but does it look good already
01:54:03
Speaker
You look good already.