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The Affordables 1.1: Teddy Or Not, Here Come The Affordables
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Posting early to give you something to alleviate Election Day Jitters! Vote Blue so we can flush the orange turd down once and for all *Episode Description and inspiration below**
We offer you a new kind of show with a title based on a time where Adam and Justin played with action figures as adults...and they made all the characters do dumb shit, have dumb voices, and complete dumb tasks. This was right around the time "The Expendables" was becoming a huge hit, and so Adam and Justin decided to call their ragtag team of militants, "The Affordables."
Now here we are in late 2024 releasing a blend of 80s-inspired retro bullshit with some modern bullshit with a flexible cast of characters. In this series, we are delighted to welcome back one of the original Rollplayers, David! He reprises his role as Luke "Chimichanga" Smith who needs to make some merc money after Sierra went down. We also see Justin make his appearance as Jack Lazer, an 80s action hero who was thawed out in the year 2024. Both of these men have responded to a Craigslist ad from Blake Dancer, a 19 year old game streamer who wants to prevent monsters from overtaking his favorite vacation spots.
Today, the Affordables will face an enemy of fluffy proportions.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'The Affordables'
00:00:30
Speaker
Whenever happens, it's gonna happen. Gentlemen, good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, ladies, gentlemen, non-binary folks. This universe is none and unknown, this is World Pliers, and welcome to a whole new thing we're gonna call The Affordables, which we'll explain here in a moment. But hey, life kinda got confusing.
00:00:46
Speaker
people went to south korea people are getting married. Savage city is gonna have to wait for a little while so we came up with like a new little. Series that we're gonna do that's gonna kinda be interchangeable with different cast members and stuff depending on whoever's free. And for right now we're calling it the affordable sink like the expendables and GI i Joe kinda mash together in like an anthological.
00:01:08
Speaker
ah Improv game that's gonna be a little time jail-esque as well if you're familiar with how that works. So today we have two action heroes two badasses Allegedly who are going to join us?
00:01:23
Speaker
ah And I will go a little bit further into what the story is and what this will be here in a moment. But just so you know right now, these are just like kind of like wanna be 80s action heroes, but set in the modern era with the world of monsters. So without further ado,
Character Introductions
00:01:40
Speaker
we have two bros with me today. um So Justin is with me as almost always. Justin, tell us about who your character is.
00:01:50
Speaker
I'm going to try i'm gonna try and do the movie announcer guy. Coming this fall to a podcast in your ears. Jack laser is Jack laser in the affordability.
00:02:03
Speaker
That's me. I'm Jack laser. He's, um, he's, uh, he was in the military. Um, he was wrongfully be accused of a crime. He did not commit, but he didn't have an A team with him. Um, so he's just by himself and he's got to do jobs along the way. He got, he's kind of buff, got a tank top on, um, he wears aviator sunglasses. And just in case those get knocked off or lost or broken on a necklace around his neck, he has a second pair just in case. Um, and he's a badass. I swear to God. All right.
00:02:33
Speaker
Um, all right. And, uh, finally for today, our other person returning to role players after approximately a four year hiatus. We have, welcome back to the show. Our good friend, David, who is with us here today. David, please tell us who you're playing for this action hero game. I'm playing a classic. Hi, I'm playing Luke, chimichanga Smith.
00:03:02
Speaker
Um, and, uh, he's, he's, uh, you know, he's a professional. We'll just put it that way. Um, and, uh, you know, we're going to see what this new gig has to offer for him. What does Jack laser or yeah, you're not Jack laser. What does chimichanga look like? What does, what does Luke chimichanga
Formation of 'The Affordables'
00:03:20
Speaker
Smith look like? Uh, he looks like, uh, JC Denton. Is that his name from a day of sex? He looks like that. So he has, you know, looking guy.
00:03:34
Speaker
It's like fat Neo, I guess.
00:03:38
Speaker
showo Okay. So we got fat Neo. where're Um, okay. He's not like fat face. She's chubby. He's like a little, she's a little chubbier face, but like, uh, you know, black hair and sunglasses. Yeah. And trench coat. Gotcha. Oh, so he is still rocking the trench coat. Like, Oh, of course. He's too edgy not to, you know, he he'll never put that down. He's going to be buried in it.
00:04:00
Speaker
I love that after all this time, Chimichanga is still Chimichanga. I love that. Yeah, no hes some things never change. Yeah, sometimes for the better. OK, so audience, here's kind of where we're at. So this is going to be set in the modern era. Chimichanga is here. So it it is in. Technically, this is part of the Bunch of the Week extended universe, I would say, because it's in the same universe as Sierra k Corp and everything from moons past um So that was a discovery we learned and so here's the deal I'm actually gonna pull up exactly what I sent to my friends and read it word for word So you guys know kind of what we are in for?
00:04:39
Speaker
So there was a 19 year old guy named Blake Dancer who was an online streamer and he dabbles in like programming and hacking because he likes to enjoy the dark web and he's he's been on it for quite some time. He was a prodigy as a teenager and he just kind of knows his place in and out.
00:04:55
Speaker
He discovered that there are like militant monsters and humans doing nefarious shit around the world and a lot of his favorite vacation spots. And so he made a Kickstarter to try to hire essentially, you know, contracted guns to go and take care of this. And he didn't get it as much as he was hoping to get, but he got enough.
00:05:17
Speaker
to hire some people that he could kind of afford. Thus, the team was born to be called the affordability and it's just like a little motley crew of guys in like a discord chat or a slack chat. I don't know that just like he sends a message to and says, hey, I found out this shit's going down. Who wants to work today?
00:05:34
Speaker
um And so this he's kind of jack Blake Dancer is kind of like the funder from this Kickstarter that he had. And that's how he pays these guys to go do jobs to clear out Beasties with his little network of information he gets from the dark web.
00:05:48
Speaker
um So
Beachside Bar Showdown
00:05:50
Speaker
having said that, um let's ah let's find out what Jack Lazer is doing to Jack Lazer. What are you doing right now? um You know, before you get called for any sort of other kind of work, what is Jack Lazer doing? Is he on a job already? Is he you loafing around? What's he doing? um Jack Lazer is sitting um at a beach side bar in a little table sipping a little mai tai or something with his sunglasses on. his His brows furrowed. He looks around all as constantly. He's kind of like, hmm, hmm, yeah. He's not Not making those noises, but like to give you an idea of like he's just like, hmm, scrutinizing the area, ah perpetually um scowling or smoldering. And he just drank his lee. He's just sitting there drinking. He just enjoyed his free time at the moment. All right. Is he sitting with anybody?
00:06:43
Speaker
No. ah yeah Is he just looking for trouble? No, he's looking for trouble. Just he's just he's just sitting around. He just can't help but have that face. Roll for me. Let's see, would it be read a bad situation or would it be? um Yeah, roll, read a bad roll plus sharp read a bad situation.
00:07:04
Speaker
As you're sitting there kind of with your eyes for looking around you and your I got a seven All right, you got a seven, you know pick any question Off of that list and I'll tell you something about the world that you are sitting in right now So there's an attractive waitress. What's my best way in?
00:07:26
Speaker
Uh, your best way in is you notice that this waitress, um, you know, as she, she, uh, it's not, it's not a clock by the way. And I'm drinking in my tight as well as she leans down to put the check on a table. And as she leans down, you notice that she has a gun that like, you see like, like a gun, kind of like one of those, like, there's like little strapped ones that like sometimes gals will hide under their dresses or something like that.
00:07:54
Speaker
She has like a like a little pistol, like a little Glock strapped to her leg as she leans over. It kind of just reveals under her dress a little bit. Hope you don't mind me asking, what's that perfume you're wearing? Is that Ruger?
00:08:10
Speaker
ah Actually, it's a Glock. Blocker Spaniels, what I call it. Oh, sorry, I must have been distracted by your other pieces.
00:08:25
Speaker
Oh, are you Jack Lazer? Yes. Just the son of a bitch I was looking to see. Cool. And she pulls out her gun and goes to draw it on you. What do you do? um Flip the table. You flip the table, roll for flipping, roll, act under pressure.
00:08:44
Speaker
it because cool pretty point get Go, go. Ten. That's a ten. Nice. ah You successfully flip a table. She looks down and she goes, but I'm standing right next to you, sugar. None of this matters. And she points the gun over top of the table where you flipped it. i I should have specified I wanted of to flip it into her and knocked the gun away, but.
00:09:06
Speaker
While she's stacked, while she's surprised by the table flipping, I do a combat roll across the floor. You do a combat roll and she starts to shoot. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, man, this table's really getting in my wrist's way to aim properly. As you roll across the table, what do you do? Gunshots fired. Everybody starts to clear out. I come to a stop on one knee and I say, if you're going to try and put a hole in me, at least buy me dinner first.
00:09:33
Speaker
It's like you haven't even paid for your my ties yet. You son of a bitch. I do. ah I do another series of roles behind the bar. All right. You're behind the bar. You see a guy behind the bar. He's the bartender, you would assume, because he's behind the bar and he's dressed nicely. And he says, Oh, what's going on here?
00:09:52
Speaker
I reach for, uh, uh, the, uh, little spritzer nozzle thing, uh, behind his head. And I say, terrible, hard to find good, good work these days, isn't it? Good employees. Fuck. I'll get my, cut I'll get my one letter done eventually. And I stay it up when I shoot her with a spritzer. And you see his eyes are like in big hearts. ah His, his people's are just hearts right there. He goes, wow, how cool. Um, and you shoot a spritzer over the bar. at her roll Roll, kick some ass for spritzer.
00:10:21
Speaker
Say eight. That's an eight. You spray her and she goes. i'm i i ah but ah And your glass a bullet clacks into your glasses, your sunglasses, knocking them off of your face as she gets like covered in spritzer and like she's just blinded by the hard spray in her eye right now. What do you do? You owe me ten dollars. and I pull my my other ones up. She just says, I don't make that much in this economy. What do you do?
00:10:50
Speaker
I'm going to leap over the bar that I so meticulously got behind and I'm going to do a shoulder check tackle, try and take her to the floor, roll, kick some ass to shoulder, to check, jack it's short check, check, check, check. And again, you know, you got an eight, but she's still kind of blinded by the spritzer firing wildly. You hear click, click, click, click, and she's finished off her clip, her magazine, if you will. Thank you.
00:11:13
Speaker
Yeah, I saw David on mute and I was like, he's going to correct me. He's coming. So she unloads her magazine and she pulls out a clip to reload the magazine, which reloads into the gun. um And ah you tackle her. She goes, ah, damn it. And you got her. She's on the ground. You have her pinned. What do you do? I fling the gun away. Classic action movie style. Oh, man. And you hear, oh, I'm eating my soup over here.
00:11:42
Speaker
You're a brave man. Yeah. Stick to your principles. You got your priorities right. Yeah. You see old man. You see old man fart sitting in the corner as he always is eating a soup. I'm worried about what's going on. Maybe take these on the beans, old man. What do you do? Um, then I now pull my gun out of my Magnum and I pointed at her and I say, who said you? She says, I'll never tell. You can't get anything out of me, Jack laser.
00:12:13
Speaker
And I just kind of sitting there on top of her, pointing my gun at her face. And I look, I'm like, hmm, big Rodney, uh, next to drug lord. Who could it have been? Hmm. Anybody doesn't really matter either way. How would you find out where I was? Oh, um, yeah, that's a tough one. Uh, mr. Swift, mr. Swift. Oh shit. I said his name out loud. Mr. Swift. I should have known that piece of shit. Sorry. Go on.
00:12:42
Speaker
Oh, thank you. You're so polite. Yeah. Mr. Swift told me where to find you. I was supposed to take you out with a with a with a coup de gras. But I thought that was something on the menu. So I was waiting for it to be cooked for you. But it wasn't. This isn't even a French place. No, it's not. I think it's just kind of nondescript. No. They got a fish on the wall over there. No, that means anyway. um It's a fish on the wall.
00:13:10
Speaker
ah Sir, this is a Wendy's. I pull i pull her her her little towel out of her apron and I tie her hands up. What are you going to do? Send me to the ti a clink? I'm not, but hear that.
00:13:29
Speaker
Johnny Lawson's coming and I got the fuck out of here. so ah You never saw me and I ah i say barkeep. I throw a lot of money over the over the bar. That's for the Mai Tai. These are Canadian dollars, sir. I've been away for a while. And you run out. You get a phone call from your old cop buddy who's on the line.
00:13:53
Speaker
um ah Dick Anderson. Dick Henderson. Yeah. ah What's what's Dick Henderson's demeanor usually when he talks to you? A lot of to men to paint a picture. He's he's probably a fatter guy with like a walrus mustache. Think like he looks. Let's just say he's Teddy Roosevelt looking um and he and whatever you want to make a Roosevelt talk like this, we can make him do.
00:14:21
Speaker
Well, spoiler alert, I already kind of have something like that prepared. So but not for right now, but for later. I thought he's a different voice for this guy. um So he says he says you get a call on on your phone. Do you answer it? God damn it. It's like there's old school, like 80s phones with the long ass and tennis like big as shit. Hello. Yeah. Laser, is that you?
00:14:48
Speaker
Yeah. Who's this? Did you? Were you just shooting up that the the fish bar? Not me, brother. Some crazy dame. Oh, crazy dame. That's always you. Every time I have to look the other way for you, you know that. Hey, sorry. I haven't seen you in 20 goddamn years and you're still acting like a fool. Well, you know, like it's been a fool to me, made a fool out of me. I can help it. Yeah, we've all been there. You're coming over for Thanksgiving this year. I don't know. Life's pretty crazy.
00:15:18
Speaker
Well, you could at least just RSVP to my e-vite. We're not going to use a computer, laser. Hey, you hey, i i have I signed up for something on Craigslist, you know? Yeah, I heard that you're gainfully employed now. I saw the i saw the marketing on Twitch. What? What's that? Oh, God, laser, you're hopeless. Anyway, I love you i lived in a cave for 10 years. What do you want from me? Oh, let me do that. All right. Then you you get a call or you get a text in your in your slack that gives you a new job that you have to report to. I pull up. I pull up my smartphone. Do you want to do Discord? Do you want it to be Discord? I pull up my smartphone. I just specifically use just for this kind of stuff. Yeah, it's going to say, you know, your calls beeper goes off. It's like a beeper. Do you want to have a smartphone just for just for Discord? Yeah. Yeah. You have like ah you have your Discord phone. It goes off and you're
00:16:11
Speaker
ah but Because it's Halloween time, so the the the noises are a little different. It's a call I'm getting on there. No, it's just it's just a message. It says like, you know, as you get a report for a new job by by by your guy, Blake Blake dancer. I take back ten four. All right, ten four.
00:16:30
Speaker
All right. So when we do that, yeah, we cut over to we cut over to Luke, Jimmy Changa Smith. Luke, what are you up to right now? Oh, Luke is in his apartment.
Chaos and Mysterious Client
00:16:40
Speaker
I mean, his office, his office is definitely not a studio apartment. And he's just checking his various, you know, messaging boards or discords or slacks looking for work because he's an independent contractor now. Right.
00:16:59
Speaker
So um yeah what you what have you seen so far on your message boards that you've been looking at? Anything good jump out at you? ah Just the usual stuff, you know like ah ah clearing out rats from a basement. ah Nothing too interesting, like ah another skin walker or whatever we had or a windy go, I don't remember. ah Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But no, nothing's really nothing's really catching his attention yet.
00:17:26
Speaker
i'm
00:17:29
Speaker
Yeah, nothing really nothing really. yeah I feel like there's nothing interesting. I must keep keep me going here. All right, cool. Gotcha. All right. You get it. You get a knock on your little studio apartment door. Wrap, wrap, wrap, wrap, wrap. Who is that? I get up and and I checked a little peephole. You see some sort of food delivery person. Like, what are you what are they holding? He got he got five guys.
00:17:54
Speaker
yeah There's five guys out there waiting for you. All right. I'll wait for them to leave. they they They walk away and they leave your food. All five of them leave your food beside your door. All right. I get my gun off the ah counter next to the door and I slowly open the door. What gun do you have? A Glock. Okay. Gotcha. Um, you pull out your Glock and you slowly open the door. Yeah.
00:18:22
Speaker
All right. Yeah, you see you see a ah ah brown paper bag there inside of a white plastic bag. OK, I grab it and I take it inside and shut the door real fast. All right. Gotcha. um Yeah. it And nothing happens. And you're OK. Yeah. And then as you take your food, what do you take your food to eat it? um I eat at my computer, obviously. you Right. You eat at your computer. yeah I eat a burger at my desk, of course.
00:18:50
Speaker
Right. And then as you're opening your burger and you start to eat it, you hear like a. Oh, shit. And um I throw it. I try. I go to the dearest window and try to open it. And I'm going to try to roll act under pressure to see if it's if it's stuck. Oh, shit. Where is that? that be that' be but pressure There we go.
00:19:12
Speaker
Submit, submit. Yes, I got seven. That's a seven. It's if you see it's one side starting to open up a little bit, it's cracking, but the other side for some reason just will not lift up at the same rate as the other one. But so it's kind of like awkwardly on a slant as you try to open up the window to chuck it out. There's also a screen there. Oh, shit, a screen. Yeah, the screen every bomb for his weakness.
00:19:33
Speaker
Okay, um, I'm gonna shoot the goal. I'm gonna shoot the window cuz I saw my shoot the window And then kick it. All right, I'm not gonna make you roll for shooting a window. It's not gonna get out of the way like you shoot the fuck out of the window And you said you're gonna kick it yeah, I'm gonna kick the rest of the glass out and then throw that motherfucking thing All right. Roll just for fun. Roll. Kick some ass and kick some glass to see how ah kick some glass, huh? Kick some glass. Yeah. To see how well you do it. Kicking it. I failed. That's a failure. You get an experience point for failing. Oh, boy. You kick it. You kick it so good that your foot goes like clean through the window and the frame. But like now your foot just like stuck.
00:20:11
Speaker
in the glass that didn't break. Oh, God. So it's like you stepped in a trash can or some shit just like wrapped around your leg real good. I feel like I got got cut up pretty bad, too. Yeah, you're probably cut. Yeah, your your pants are cut. Your your long your socks are cut. Oh, God. These are cut. I forgot I wasn't wearing shoes. Why would I do this? Oh, yeah. God, I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid. So dumb. he ah Did you do you have a secretary or someone that helps you?
00:20:40
Speaker
Yeah, but she's not like there, you know, because yeah who who's usually who you work with? Who's your who's your caretaker? Um, uh, Jane secretary, we'll call it. That's the i don't know secretary, uh, gives you, your phone starts to ring. Like while you're like trying to like fucking like deal with this bomb and this, oh, come on right now, right now, really? All right. Um,
00:21:05
Speaker
I'm going to try to reach over like, well, I'm on like one foot or whatever. And like yeah you have a foots like ah I my my Motorola razor or whatever the fuck I have. And like, awesome. I'm going to answer it. Be like, can I call you back? I call you back. I'm doing what's up in here. No, it's important. You that i actually thought I got a fucking bomb boards for. I'm sorry. What are you talking about? I got a lot of money. You guys is going to explode. You have five guys with a bomb in your house. Yes. What does that even mean, Luke? What are you doing?
00:21:35
Speaker
Here, listen, I'm going to hold the phone up to the ticking. you the book good Oh, yeah, that's a bomb in your burger. All right. Yeah. Classic assassination attempt. What do you what do you what are you doing on the phone to get rid of it? ah All right, fine. She's one second. I put it down. yeah And then and then can I remember that? Oh, yeah, I can just unlock the window and then open it. Yeah. OK, I unlock the window this time and then try to open it.
00:22:05
Speaker
And you pull your foot through the glass? Well, yeah, I'm pretty cut up. I'm already cut because I kicked it. Pull your foot through the glass. you You're like, oh, yeah, the door, you know, in a state of panic, you remember that the window unlocks, you unlock it, you open it up, punch the screen out. um And then what do you do? You're in an apartment building. Oh, um.
00:22:26
Speaker
I don't really care about the people around me, I guess. So I just took it. out I took that bomb outside because like you check it out and you blow a hole. I just as you throw it just in time as a as this massive explosion goes cookooooo and like meat like it tenderized meat splatters everywhere. um And like a lot of the bricks in the next door apartment building fall out. Are you on the top floor, bottom floor? Where are you at? were I'm on the first floor.
00:22:51
Speaker
So you can just start without the ground level. Yeah. um and Can I do a dive away from it? Yeah, absolutely. Do act under pressure to see, like, as you chuck it, if you can do a sick dive. 13. 13, that's a... um So he chucks it, and then he, like, hell diver, you know, just dives straight backwards, like, with his gun in his hand. And, like, you know, midi, like, he it goes off, like, he gets that dive off, like, it's just in nick of time, you know, and he's...
00:23:22
Speaker
he's totally good and yeah you land comfortably uh as you jump well i don't know about that Well, uncomfortably because you have a key rag dolls. I don't know. Yeah. you write Yeah. Yeah. You rag doll you because you're too close to the explosion, but you don't take any damage. Yeah. Yeah. And then, uh, yeah, you blow a hole in the building next door. Um, and, uh, you see, yeah, you see someone's also in their living room about to eat a five guys burger. Don't eat that. It's going to explode. And you're like, huh? There's a bomb in the five guys.
00:23:58
Speaker
He throws it over to you. Fuck. And he throws it. No, not.
00:24:04
Speaker
You just hear like on your phone somewhere, you hear Jane secretary. She's like, look, throw it back at the guy. He's probably an assassin. so yeah I know him. That's that's Dale Dale. I try to throw it. He just threw it back at you. um I'm just going to try to dive. Did he make it into my apartment?
00:24:23
Speaker
Well, you know what? Let's let you know what? Let me let me roll for him. We'll just OK. Just roll to D6s. We'll see what happens while he rolls a 12. He thought he made a new apartment. He just he got it right in here. I'm going to grab the phone in my Glock and I am just going to dive out of my apartment. He's going to right through the window. Roll another act under pressure to see if you can get out of the burger goes off.
00:24:48
Speaker
12. Let's go. Bam, dude. What's that look like when you dive out? um I go right through the remaining glass in the window and the screen and. Oh, fuck. So you like dive underneath
Ninja Encounter
00:25:00
Speaker
the burger that he throws at you? Yes, basically. You land next to his apartment hole as it goes off in your apartment, blowing up your living room in your office. Fuck. And Dale's just like, what'd you try to kill me for, it bro?
00:25:17
Speaker
I was trying to kill you. That's fine, guys. They're trying to kill you, man. I wasn't trying to throw you. You threw that at my house. Well, yeah. Well, if I didn't throw it, you would have died to your bottom and your five guys. Think about that, huh? Actually, you know what? You make a valid point, Jimmy Jenga. I am. Yeah, exactly. Oh, God. I just saw them drop off a bunch of five guys at this apartment. Five dudes went out of the van with a bunch of bags.
00:25:45
Speaker
what do we do Well, I mean, seeing as how both of ours exploded already, I feel like we're kind of out of time, aren't we? Huh. Well, no, I think that maybe once they unwrap it, maybe that's when it starts to explode. Oh, yes okay. All right. It might be like an air-released bomb. You know, like when it when it touches air, that's when it starts to go off. Well, it seems pretty advanced. I wonder who's behind this. Oh, I don't know.
00:26:11
Speaker
Um, and then you get a, you, you hear, um, do you hear on your like kind of cracked up Motorola razor? You're just like, pre now but but oh my God, Jane, Jane, I put the phone on my ear. Jane, I'm having a conversation with Dale. Can't you wait five seconds? Oh yeah. Tell Dale. I said, hi, I'll be out to manage his finances later. Yeah. ah Dale, ah Jane says hi.
00:26:35
Speaker
I go, hey, hey, Jane. um And she says, I just got I just got an email that says Jack B. Swift senses regards. Who the fuck is that? I don't know. Dale, do you know Jack B. Swift? Oh, God, you can't say that name around here to Machanga. What do you mean? Who the hell is he? He's like a slumlord around here. Wait, wait, I look around.
00:27:03
Speaker
This is a slum. Oh, these were nice apartments. Well, he's he wants to turn our apartment buildings. He's been saying it for months online that he wants to turn our apartment buildings into slums so he can lord over them. Fuck, OK. Well, he's doing a great job because he already got us to break a couple windows and blow up a wall. This place looks like hell. And all right, he's an evil mastermind and he's using five guys to do it.
00:27:31
Speaker
o Well, that is a great way to fool me because I do love a good burger. so ah Yeah, you saved my life, ching Jimmy Chang. um Well, I'm glad you acknowledge that.
00:27:47
Speaker
dale Yeah, you know, I was just caught up in the anxiety of the whole moment, you know, it's all right. It's all right, man. I love you. Come here. i give I love you too, man. Yeah, we should hang out more once we get our ah studios fixed. Yeah. Yeah, for sure, man. For sure. and Mine's in better shape than yours. I just have a hole in the wall so you can come hang here if you want. Okay. Yeah. So I kind of bombed your place. So I mean, yeah, I just have a, I kind of look at my apartment. Yeah. How bad and is it like that bad? Is it like, is it like really bad in there?
00:28:15
Speaker
Uh, you know what? Roll to six is, um, can I roll investigate a mystery? Yeah, actually, you know, once you do that, roll, investigate a mystery and you can tell me, I got a seven. All right. What do you want to know from the, let's get a mystery. Um, get us to read that situation. If it's easier. Oh yeah. Wait. a Yeah. Yeah. That's probably read a bad situation. is Yeah. Is that plus sharp? They're both plus sharp. So same. It doesn't matter. You can, you can, go you can just click ah on a different list and read it. Uh,
00:28:45
Speaker
Let me. All right. I got to. Are there any dangers we haven't noticed as I'm looking at my apartment? ah Yeah, you see like a ninja that was going to assassinate you, but like he looks at the wreckage around him and he says like, hey, bro, actually, it seems like you already kind of have it rough here. So I'll just come back later and he crawls out the other way. Well, no, who hired you? Wait. Oh, no. Yeah. OK. Was it Jack? No, Jack B. Swift didn't hire me. It was another person that hates heroes. um Not a hero.
00:29:16
Speaker
Oh, what are you talking about? I'm a professional. I'm just doing my job, you know. And you see, he like he like sits down on like a like a broken old chair and just he's like balancing on it perfectly. And he just like he crosses his legs. He's like, no, no, you're a little chimichanga Smith. You like help take down like a God. We, you know, it was all over the news. And that was not I mean, they paid me. Yeah, you blew up Stonehenge and a lot of us hate that place anyway. Well, I actually got a lot of flack for blowing up Stonehenge.
00:29:46
Speaker
That was not a very heroic behavior. Yeah. Oh yeah. But you, you, you helped kill a God. If that, that was, you were so, wow. What if that was your God that I killed? I wouldn't be very heroic. Would I? That's true. There are some people that are pretty pissed off at you and that's why they hired me. Oh, well. Um, and, um, I point my gun at him. Whoa. Hey, you better, i better you better go. You better go buddy.
00:30:11
Speaker
Oh, yeah, no, I'm gonna I just want, you know, just for the record, I was kind of having second thoughts in this anyway, but it looks like somebody already has it out for you. So now I have to put in a ticket that says somebody else is always trying already trying to kill Luke. So I can't trespass on their, you know, it's like a conflict of interest. Uh huh. You know, no, we have a no compete clause with other other other murderers. So I have to come back another time if you survive.
00:30:34
Speaker
Uh, I'm text. I'm while he's in the middle of his field. I just start like, I just pull up my phone and start texting because I just don't care who you texting Jane. when I'm like, there's a fucking ninja here yeah trying to assassinate me too. What the hell is going on Jane? She texts you back and she says, Oh man, they found out that you answered that Craigslist ad. So you're back on the hero market.
00:30:58
Speaker
the Craigslist ad, but for what they, that and it's just there another, it was just another gig. That's like the nth Craigslist ad I've answered. Yeah. Apparently this one was a big one. So it was a whole Kickstarter about it. I'm so sick of assassins. You see the ninja like disappears from in front of you and he's standing over your shoulder now. He's like, that's actually kind of rude. You know, like it's an honest living. I put my gun at him. Like just put my gun over my head. Like, you know, behind me,
00:31:26
Speaker
Uh-huh. He says, all right, I got the message. I'm out. Just just just go, man. You're great at your job, I guess. You know, I appreciate it, I guess. um Your honesty and like not trying to kill me, I guess. um Seems like pretty basic shit, though. um Yeah, you can just go. All right. Yeah, maybe I'll see you next week or something. um And he see he help he helps out the window in Ninja Dust.
00:31:54
Speaker
Okay, next week, yeah. Yeah. So and then you get a message on, ah I don't know, I guess Jane tells you if you only have a flip phone, Jane tells you that that guy that hired you from the Kickstarter has a job for you. And he said, oh, great discord chat. All right, let's see. What does he want to meet?
00:32:15
Speaker
Do you have a smartphone as well? Do you also have two phones? It's a new, it's a new Motorola razor. Oh, it's one of those new guys. Okay. Yeah. Um, yeah. Uh, it just, it just says that there's a conference call in 10 minutes. It's a video conference, 10 minutes of video. but shit Okay. I go into my blown up apartment and I start like booking her. I just try to get to my bathroom to fix my hair.
00:32:38
Speaker
And then I try to go to my computer and I you know try to adjust the webcam and like make sure there's not too much destruction in the background. Yeah, yeah. Roll an act under pressure to see how well you do that before you before you get on the call. Okay, 10.
00:32:53
Speaker
Wow, actually you do a really good job. You make it look real presentable in the background. Like you move everything out of frame that shouldn't be there. And i turn on that pretty I turn on the blur filter, right? Yeah, there you go. Perfect. All right, cool. That looks good. All right, so yeah, so you get ready to get on the call. Jack Lazer, you get the notification that you were getting a ah group chat ah for the for the job. Do you answer it? um Yeah. Where do you answer it from? Where are you? I'm in the back of my taxicab.
00:33:23
Speaker
the back of a taxi cab as you enter the phone yeah um all right low so you hear yeah all right you gotta turn on your video there might i don't know how just talk to me you can hear me i can see you just turn up just just turn on the video there mate um press press the button that looks like a camera uh yeah looks like it's at the bottom it's at the bottom you see what the Oh, this? And he's i then and I'm like staring down at the thing with my eyes squinted their mic and like I said, yeah, hello. Age of camera angle there, Mike. Don't need to see up and into your brain. ah I moved the phone. There you go, Chima Changa, how's it going over there, bud? Oh, it's great. I just ah fended off two assassins. I'm counting two. I'm counting the ninja as one assassin that I fended off.
00:34:13
Speaker
Oh, the ninja k came up, did it? Yeah, he sent me a letter asking if he could go after one of y'all, and at the time I said, yeah, probably, but I didn't know that Jack B. Swift already had kind of dibs, so sorry about that. Who the hell is Jack B. Swift, man? I never even heard of him till today, and he's trying to make my my house into a slum, or my apartment building into a slum, so we can roll over it. Yeah, he likes making slums, because he likes to be a lord, and that's the only way that some people can be a lord, is if they're slumlords, and that's what he's trying to do.
00:34:42
Speaker
Okay. Yeah, it seems that makes sense, I guess. Yeah, but sorry about the ninja thing. I mean, they really should have communicated a better themselves before they even called me to see if it was okay to send an assassin after you. Wait, wait. You don't ask if it's okay. Yeah, whatever. All right. Well, that's just the rules of engagement now, Mike. Is it okay? I didn't i' beenng i
Meeting and Mission Briefing
00:35:00
Speaker
i don't know. Sorry. We've been out of the game for a few years. I'm too old. watching which anger yeah so ah I don't live in any kind of slothouse. Why is this guy coming after me?
00:35:10
Speaker
Because you're part of the heroes. might You signed up to be a hero. And so that kind of put you on the market for assassins. And so, you know, when you did that, you know, they found out Chimichanga. So that guy's like, well, I'll get a little back chaponas if I kill a guy and make his apartment into a slumlord territory. And, well, Radith might as well kill his friends. Damn. Things really are different than back in the day, Chimichanga. A lady assassin tried killing me and didn't even have the decency to have sex with me beforehand.
00:35:37
Speaker
Yeah, right. You see, like we're a little bit more exclusive, you know, or inclusive. And, uh, you know, like we got to respect everybody's rights. And so like, you have to sign like a contract. So you you can't just go fucking who you want now. Just, you know, and, and, and, and, and lady assassins, you know, fanfay tales, they have to get written consent from you before they can try to fuck you and then kill you. So it works both ways. Why didn't she give me one of those guys? I would have so happily signed it. Well, I just, you know, she's kind of old school. If it's who I think it was. Well, I didn't get her name.
00:36:06
Speaker
You know, it's probably like Valentina Vengeance or something like that. Hmm. Yeah, but you put her away, so right you didn't kill her, though, right? I left her in the floor of the bar. Right. That's what you do. That way she can escape and then come back after you later. Yeah. That's the rules of engagement. That's how you get sequels. That's how you get sequels. That's exactly right. See, now you're getting it. They're just jet giingit jackit Jack legend or a third act surprise. Oh, I love a good third ex or a third act team up with someone you thought was really an enemy.
00:36:37
Speaker
Oh, those are the best. Yeah, that still happens, too. So, Chima Chang, are you good then there, Mike? You said you got attacked? Everything good? Huh? Yeah, yeah. It's a little dusty in here. Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Right. You got to, yeah, you trim back on those um those ah ah reds you've been smoking. Hmm? Yeah, and there's a light one up. Yeah. Oh, you're good. Thanks for reminding me. I haven't smoked one in a while.
00:37:04
Speaker
but All right, so I got a job for you. Uh, you know, as you know, I got y'all hired from the Kickstarter because there's, uh, gives those fuckers out there that'll ruin all my favorite vacation spots around the country. And, uh, it's not good. So you guys ready for a job? Hell yeah. Yep. All right. So, uh, is this your, you guys first time meeting like at, or at least like face to face before I can't remember who's talked to who. Uh, yeah, I don't remember this guy.
00:37:31
Speaker
Oh, right. Well, I'm rude. This is Jack Lazer. Uh, beefy boy extraordinaire, right? Jack, say hi. Hi. All right. And this is Luke Chimichanga Smith, the hero, the god slay himself. Uh, Luke, Luke Smith. What do you prefer? What do you prefer? Chimichanga, Luke Smith? You know, I, you know, I prefer Chimichanga in my codename.
00:37:52
Speaker
Yeah, call him his codename Chimichanga, just like Jack Lazer's codename is Jack Lazer. That's a hell of a name, Chimichanga. Thank you. You got a good one yourself. Thanks. I came out of the womb with it. Hell yeah. Oh, by the way, how did you come to be known as Chimichanga?
00:38:12
Speaker
Gentlemen never ass. And a lady never tells, right? I don't remember. Yeah. I'll never tell.
Arrival and Investigation in Hugglesville
00:38:22
Speaker
so Alright, so here's the deal, Jessica Beale. We've got a job for you out in a place called Hugglesville. It was a place I really liked to visit when I was a child. It was where like they'd have like teddy bear exhibits and parades and you'd go and see all the stuffed animals and mammals and shit. It was fucking awesome. Wait, wait, don't want an Oklahoma?
00:38:42
Speaker
Hugglesville, Oklahoma. That's exactly right. Oh, I went there when I was a kid. um I'm rather excited to go there again. Holy shit. I could. Yeah, man. I mean, and Teddy's of all shapes and sizes, you know, a little Teddy bears, Teddy fucking rocks. bear Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Green. Blue blue bears, green bears. There's polar bears that drink the Coca-Cola around the holidays. Gummy bears. Absolutely right. Yeah. That's right. All right. Chimichanga, you ever been to Hugglesville? Hmm. What? Where? You ever been to Hugglesville?
00:39:11
Speaker
No, I don't even. We're going down the Huggy slide. I don't know. what I'm not going to tell you twice. jimmy iga Where's Oklahoma? You ever been to Oklahoma? No. It's all the view, I think. Let me check a map. Aren't you in Arizona? Yeah, it's north of me. It's northeast. Quite a bit of it. It's going to be a little bit of a drive. I hope you hope you're going to provide transportation. Why don't you got to afford fucking focus? Yeah, it's going to take me like a day to get there.
00:39:40
Speaker
Oh, come on, then. All right. Do you want me to just send you like an Uber? Give me a plane. What are you doing? How much money do you think I made from that Kickstarter? You think I could just send you a plane? I'll see. I'm going to check the Kickstarter. How much money? much should he make How much money can you make? You know what? Roll, roll 20 D 100s.
00:40:05
Speaker
and Oh my god, dude, what is this? This is like a quiz on how to use roll20. Slash roll20d100. Or if you click the little sidebar where the dice is, you can do that. Roll20, rolling20d100. Slash roll20d100.
00:40:23
Speaker
He has $10,218. That's it? OK. All right, all right, all right. Or do you want to go buy your number, which is $963? $963 is funny here. Okay. Yes. $963 left in the Kickstarter right now. That's not even enough for gas. What? What are you talking about? Texting Jane. I'm texting Jane. Why did you sign me up for this? She texts you back and she says, I've already put money in your, in your, in your, uh, in your cash app. It's fine. I checked my cash app. What's in there?
00:40:53
Speaker
You have like $2,000 in there. Oh, so I have more than the Kickstarter. You do. All right. I guess I like your sugar mama. She just. It seems a little weird. It seems a little mysterious. It is a little mysterious, isn't it? Yeah. I wonder what's going on here. I'm saying all this aloud in character.
00:41:13
Speaker
Yeah. what's name if What's so fucking mysterious about it, man? I've got your work. well Got your adventure. That's what you're looking for, right? Jane put me, Jane put two grand on my account and i just that's more than your Kickstarter earned. Fucking love Jane. How do you know? All right, whatever. ah I hire Jane. I don't know why you keep telling me that you're an independent contractor. I know not to ask questions. I know i not to ask questions. I know I'm an independent contractor now and I just got to do my job.
00:41:39
Speaker
Now I, I had Jane to, ah yes, right. You're an independent contract. That's right. Yep. Yes. Right. So anyway, are you going to go to Hugglesville then? Can I count on you? Jack laser you're going to go to. Yeah.
00:41:54
Speaker
right then um then fucking go um you know so from what i understand is that all of the bears have been taken from all the exhibits and money is tanking uh they canceled the parade this year which fucking sucks because it's the best part okay so what i need y'all to do is go and take care of it go figure out where all the teddy bears have gone then fucking bring them back We're going to save those fucking bears. and I hang up. ah We're going to save that parade. <unk> up ah And he just see like Blake Dancer sitting alone in his little dark room in a chair with like the glow of his computer on his face. and He's like, no, it never says bye, though. That ah kind of sucks. I hate working with the middle age message him fail message him and say bye. Sorry, I'm just sorry. I'm not bye. I was just following that guy's lead.
00:42:49
Speaker
All right. So, um, so you guys have your mission. What do do you guys just go straight there? Do you do any preparation? Yeah. Can we just like screen wipe and then we're both there. Yeah. Clock wipe. You guys are there together. Um, I get off my magic. Hold on. Hold on. I pull up in a parking lot on my, uh, my, my red cruiser motorcycle. Turn it off. Kickstand with my, with my boots. Uh, pull my sunglasses off my face. Look around.
00:43:20
Speaker
How goes field for
00:43:25
Speaker
i pull the and What kind of entrance do you make? I i pull up in my ah my rented um Toyota Corolla. Jane fly you out but yeah and like i love it to rent I Open the door and I go oh And I get out and you hear my knees crack and I played a cigarette and I go Whatever this fucking place is god damn it Hugglesville I guess
00:43:57
Speaker
yeah And then you hear from like a few parking spaces down, it's been 20 years since I've been here last. I know that it's different. I walk up to Jack Lazer and I go, so you Jack Lazer? You're damn right. Wait, wait. Last time I said yes, somebody tried killing me. um You're not going to try to kill me, are you?
00:44:19
Speaker
No, I'm Jimmy Changa. You know you do like Jimmy Changa. Sorry, I couldn't tell you without the blurred background, mind you. ah pull my hand up I could turn on the filter if you want. so He just has that ability that sum to summon a filter behind him.
00:44:36
Speaker
I go to Shaker Jack's hand. It's the farm shake. He has an Olympus shake on the planet too.
00:44:52
Speaker
that' the first You're the first man's hand I've shook in a long time. Oh, that's that's weird. All right. I've been underground for a while. I was accused of crime. I didn't commit. but I'm sure you didn't commit it. What was it? What were you accused of? It's ambiguous. Oh, okay. They never say in the show.
00:45:17
Speaker
So did you serve time for it at all? Or no, you just, you were just accused. You never, you just dodged your court case. And yeah, I was trapped in one of those, uh, you know, unconstitutional prisons where it's just a three by three stone room. That's what most cells are like. Yeah. ah And a, and a drain in the floor. We're going to pee and poop. You were just at a closet is three by three. Sounds like you were in solitary.
00:45:46
Speaker
Yeah, it sucked, but I broke out of there. Through the drain where I peed and pooped. That's a lars drain. I dug it out with my spoon. Which one? The one you're holding in your hands right now? it's not No, I was eating yogurt in the way.
00:46:05
Speaker
Do you know what comes in tubes now? So do I. Anyway, I wish you could see this place in all its glory, but the bears are missing, so that's kind of like 80% of the coolness of this place. Yeah. We still can go down to the water slide. Did you bring your swim trunks? Yeah, actually I did. I go to the back of my car and I get them out. Nice. What do you think? It's like a Speedo. I think that'll make you very aerodynamic on the slide. That's right.
00:46:39
Speaker
Alright, let's go hit up the water. You want to just go hit up the water slide first, man? to Do like a quick montage if you guys just hang it out. Yeah, like having fun. As much as I would love to chibi chaga, I really gotta say it. I can't have good fun with these babies in my mind. Alright, I ball up my speedo and just like throw it in the trunk really angrily.
00:46:58
Speaker
We'll put leave it in your pocket. We'll come well want to come back out here. and All right. Let's see. Do you want where you where do we start then? Since you're so familiar with the bears? Well, we're going to go get tickets, a ticket booth up here. OK, so so Hugglesville is like on the outskirts of like another town. So it's kind of like its own little mini town that they made as like a tourist attraction as like an adjacent town to whatever the fuck town it is. I don't even know what it's called.
00:47:28
Speaker
um We'll just call it Tallulah, Oklahoma. And outside of Tallulah, Oklahoma is the Hugglesville, Oklahoma, where the Bears live. um So you guys kind of pull up at the edge of that town, like where the parking lot is. And you see it's like it's it's like a little kind of.
00:47:45
Speaker
you know, like thinking like those old time you like cowboy western looking towns, but it's kind of like a little bit more built out and more modern for like this bear exhibit. um And you know, ah Jack laser is someone who's been here before that the main attraction is the parade that comes through on the main road and the ah the museum, the the teddy bear museum. um So this would be your two big leads. And since the the parade isn't really going on, the only place you could think to look unless you want to go to the water park for fun would probably be the museum.
00:48:16
Speaker
Will we go get our tickets? ah Yeah, there's no one at the ticket booth because so nobody wants to come to see a teddy bear exhibit if there's no teddies, so it's just empty. I guess to it's free admission day, Jimmy. Good for us. I kicked the door in. Yeah, you kicked the door in.
00:48:36
Speaker
I want to go into the booth. I just want to see what's in there. All right, you go into the booth and you see pictures all over the walls of of a woman and her family on different vacations and getting also here at Hugglesville getting, you know, posing with the bears. You see, you see Bobby, the big brown bear is like the mascot. and He's taking doing thumbs up with people and everything like that. I went through the window on the bar. I'm like, what do you see in there, Kimichanga?
00:49:02
Speaker
I grabbed the picture of whatever that the cute looking bear is and I go, who's this? Oh, that's the mayor of Hugginsville, Mr. Huggins himself. Hugginsville, Mr. Hugginsville. He's adorable. I put the picture back. That's how he, that's why he always gets elected every year. Yeah, I vote for him.
00:49:23
Speaker
and know um Anything else I see in there? I want your role to investigate a mystery. Let's find out if there's anything of note in there. A fail. A five. um Yeah, you see that there is a shredded notes on like that. There's like a little shelf kind of built into the side of it where like they put the money box and everything. Oh, I'm checking. in There's no money box though. ah There is a money box actually. I'm grabbing it. and Grab the steel from these people. I don't you hear like you hear like a few coins like plink planking around there. Jimmy, you can't steal from the bears. That's a good point. All right. I put it back. That's a good argument. And then it slips off the countertop and it cracks open because it wasn't locked. And you see a couple of quarters roll out and they're all brand new. Twenty, twenty four. Where are we again? Oklahoma quarters.
00:50:17
Speaker
Wait, these are all brand new 2024 Oklahoma quarters and minted right here in Oklahoma. h Do you think there's a counterfeiting scheme going on here? I hope the bears aren't involved, but it could be. I'm going to grab one of the, I'm going to take one quarter for evidence. One quarter. Okay. You take a quarter. Hopefully they won't notice the 50%.
00:50:46
Speaker
right are there any any I want to find I want to see if there's any tickets because I want to be legit. I'm gonna grab a ticket ah Yeah, there's a couple of there's like a whole little like ah like one of those rolls of tickets just like on the counter I'm grabbing two of them You grab two tickets. I hand one to Jack. Nice, thanks. You got your tickets. And you see beside that is just like a ripped up note to just shred it into a bunch of tiny little pieces. I'm going to ignore that, I guess, because I failed the investment. I'm going to grab that. That's the failure, is that? Can I can i see in what it says? No, that's that's the failure part, is it's so shredded that you, and as it is, you wouldn't know what's what it what is says.
00:51:24
Speaker
I'm not going to say anything that I'm just going to move on because it's just a shredded note. Yep. It's just a shredded note. Wasn't for anyone to read, apparently. So you just leave it. Yeah, it's shredded. I can't read it. And you're just going to move on then. Perfect. um You know, I wish old D
Teddy Bear Assault Begins
00:51:40
Speaker
and&D games I've run would work that way where someone's like, all right, well, instead of dwelling on like a piece of loot for like 25 minutes, like, yeah I don't care. one really I can try put it together. i try four together yeah just because you so there Exactly. Just because I said it there doesn't even have to interact with it. Yeah, it's it's not like you put everything in this in the scenario for ah for a reason. you know but Sometimes I just put things there because my brain thought of it at the time. Yeah. yeah So I'm going to ignore that because i' it's shredded and I'm just going to walk out and I'm going to try to close the door, but I think I broke it. so Yeah, you kicked it in. So it's pretty dented on the other side.
00:52:15
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like it doesn't shut, but I'm going to still try to shut it and like yeah watch as it swings. See if you can. If you see if you can shut it um was tough while he's doing that. and i want I want to look ah I want to I want to look around myself for another failure. He's just struggling on the he's just while you're looking around, he's like struggling to pull his door that he kicked in. shut and oh Well, I want to see the background just pull or ah Jimmy Chang is in the background just pulling on this fucking thing. I want to see if in my memory of this place back in like the 80s where I was here, or whatever it was,
00:52:44
Speaker
ah They never had cameras around. And I want to see if they're still about that same level of security. If I don't have a bad situation or investigate a mystery, probably bad situation. i would Honestly, you wouldn't really need the role for that. Like you're you there's cameras like there's a camera on the booth that you guys are hanging out beside right now. Oh, shit. I take my glasses off. They upgraded their security to a job and they know we broke into the booth.
00:53:07
Speaker
Huh? Oh, is there a camera? Yeah. i almost i a sound Well, I mean, if they don't care enough to me in the booth, I guess I don't think anyone's watching the cameras. If I'm being honest with you. I'm just going to wave my ticket towards it. I'm just going to let them know we got our tickets. Yeah. All right. Cool. Perfect. All right. So let me walk into the town, which is hopefully one. arisa So the town is like one giant tourist attraction.
00:53:33
Speaker
Yeah, it's like a couple miles. like It's a mile huge. It's like a couple of miles like built out. It's like its own little like little attractions, maybe like a mile and a half big. um So they just have like a giant parking lot and then you enter it and then you're in the parking lot and then you can't drive a car through the town. like There's one big street that goes through it where the parade comes through. So it's like a town that connects with Tallulah, that they drive the parade through that connects through Hugglesville. But that's about the only road you can actually drive on. The rest of this is just like walk. It's like living downtown. Chimmy, no. And I was here. Sorry to you. Are you saying?
00:54:11
Speaker
I was just saying, it's this is nice this seems like a nice place to live. It's very walkable. The Hugglesville Resort Village. i always Whenever my mom would bring me here, I'd be like, can we just stay here forever, mom? She'd be like, no. I got to go back and work at the diner and the nursing home at night. I'd say, all right, mom, whatever. But listen, Jimmy, they used to the people that work here always drive around and in these golf carts. I always wanted to drive one. And if the golf cart booth isn't manned, we're getting in one of those damn golf carts. The Hugglesville Bear golf carts? It's got a little bear face on the front of it.
00:54:39
Speaker
I get into, while he's doing that, I get into the golf cart that's next to us. Yeah, there's one literally right there. Keys in it. The camera pans over. I'm starting it up. What are you saying? I said I'm getting in. Oh, did you want to drive? Is that? No, I always wanted to be driven around. Okay, well, sit in the back. I'll show for you. I like to see where, I get seasick. Okay, fine, whatever. I like to see where I'm going. All right, I do a burnout. I try to do a burnout with it.
00:55:08
Speaker
All right. Roll active pressure to see if you see how well you do. I hope you've been my under pressure. now I can't do a burnout. It's a golf cart. OK. I hope you've been adding your experience points. Oh, I have for experience already. yeah for It just goes. It just goes. We need to look like it literally sounds like it sounds like like a cartoon is saying is like. bri but but but but You to take it easy in these things. All right. Fine. And I gently, I gently accelerate. Does that work? he and ah And it starts up. How is all the noises these things made? So we're running around.
00:55:48
Speaker
Uh, you know what? Do a quick sharp roll. Just a general sharp roll to see if there's anybody remotely around here. You both can do one if you want. General sharps here, I failed. Jack laser fails. I'm too infatuated by the... I'm gonna do a look around for people roll, which I win. Hey, that's a big fat ten. Which I win at. Where do you, where do you, who do you see? What do you see, Jimmy Jimmy? I don't see shit out here. I'll tell you that. There's a no one out here. It's fucking Oklahoma. Excuse my French.
00:56:12
Speaker
My logic, are we still like a not safe for work podcast or? Yes, I think I click that explicit every time I put mine up, man. That's right. We're doing not safe for a girl play. OK, gotcha. I don't see anybody because it's ah it's fucking ah Oklahoma.
00:56:27
Speaker
um And yeah, that's it. Yeah, there's nothing open. It's just that a bear in town with fun colored buildings and a big museum and some billboards that have bears on it. Do I see the museum?
00:56:40
Speaker
Yeah, the museum's like the central part of like, OK, I'm going to drive an entire town. It's like the big attraction. There's a bunch of arrows pointing to where it is. OK. Oh, I think these arrows go towards the museum. You want to does that really want to go check out first? We could. I was also thinking, Jimmy, he's probably out there because all the bears have been taken. But there is the Hugglesville Town Hall where the mayor lives. The mayor mayor, the mayor mayor. I start driving towards the mayor's place, the town hall.
00:57:08
Speaker
Uh, okay. You go towards the town hall and you're there. Uh, okay. That was fast. Yeah. It was right around the corner. These things really, really hall, huh? Yeah.
00:57:20
Speaker
When there's no kids in the way, they see them fly. Yeah, that's right. I would definitely stop for the kid. Yeah, OK. I go inside. You go inside the town hall. You see like a bunch of flags that have pictures of a bear with a top hat on them. I salute you. You see an animatronic bear that's saluting back at you when you when you do that.
00:57:43
Speaker
um You know that that's like that's what did you call it Mr. Mr. Huggins? Yeah, mayor hugg Mr. Huggins saluting back at you, Mayor Huggins. um and Yeah, and you see like a big dais off in the back where like he gives all of his speeches and his handlers hang out. There's a bunch of chairs everywhere. um And some windows and just a couple of like little side doors just where they keep storage. Man, I never got in to see one of his town hall meetings.
00:58:13
Speaker
Well, now's your chance. he Mayor Huggins, are you You just hear your own voice echoing off the walls back at you. Here, here, here. This is a ghost town. Damn. Crazy. They took the people too, I think, not just the bears. um can i Can I investigate a mystery? Of course. Yes, absolutely. That'd be plus sharp, my friend.
00:58:38
Speaker
It was a big old advance success. You may ask the keeper any question you want about the mystery, not just the listed ones. Um, whoa wow. I get to ask anything. Holy shit. Anything. But you can still ask about the list if you can't think of a question to ask. Um,
00:58:58
Speaker
I mean, yeah, I kind of just want to i want to ask really like, i my first thought is I want to ask like what happened here, right? But what kind of know what happened is they got kidnapped. um So I'm looking around for um any kind of like evidence, like any information onto you as to like where a they might have a gone.
00:59:22
Speaker
Um, you actually where the universes took them or whatever. You and hear very faintly off and this is like.
00:59:32
Speaker
um And you see out the window, you see a helicopter is flying overhead and you can see that there are already long ropes dropping out of the helicopter as it moves um over towards your location here. Jack, Jack, you hear that?
00:59:51
Speaker
Jack. Jack. Jack. You're muted. Press your muted. I turn around. I have a pair of yellow mayor hugging sunglasses on. I'm like, do I look good? Wait, what? He's got his AirPods in. He's got his AirPods in. No, no. My what? My air what? Your AirPods. You can't hear the helicopter. Did you see that helicopter? Do you hear the helicopter? Look.
01:00:11
Speaker
I'm sorry, I'm so infatuated with this. coming back this place Yeah, hear I hear it now. Okay. um Shit, I didn't put my guns. I only have my um only have a nine mil. I check it. I'm i'm like loading my gun gun up. All right, you're loading your gun, Jack. What are you doing to prepare?
01:00:29
Speaker
I guess probably wouldn't have brought my shotgun in. I probably wouldn't have brought all my guns in since I knew we were doing something crazy. I go i have an auto shotgun and I have a magnum and a big knife. What do you have, like a bag on your back or something that you carry all these in? Nice guy. He's got like a small shotgun that can be easily carried. Like a sawed off? Either. Not necessarily a sawed off, but like a little pistol grip one with a medium length barrel. OK. Yeah, so it's not like crazy. But I'm probably saying I have that strapped to my back. But either way, I pull my magnum out and I Stuck behind like the front windows under under the front windows and peek up over. As you do that, ah Jimmy Chang, you said you're checking your gun. What do you do? You see that there are ropes that are dropping down and you see that there are some shadows that look like they're about to crash through the windows. um I'm I'm taking cover.
01:01:15
Speaker
All right. You take cover behind what? Like chairs? One of the countertops? I imagine there's like a desk in the front. Or like a welfare desk. Yeah, there is. There's like a little dais up there where they do. Yeah, I'm getting in there and I'm cocking my gun and getting fucking ready for a fight.
01:01:31
Speaker
All right. And then you hear, I guess i was going to say, can I before they break through, can I as i see they're coming into the winter, about to come into the windows? Can I put my pistol up in my against holster, put my knife out instead and get ready to grab a guy as he comes in? Sure. That works. Sure. and Now you see you see prescriptscript like about 12 windows break that just like line each like six windows on either side of the hall. Just.
01:01:56
Speaker
12 windows break and you see you see about maybe like a foot and a half to two feet tall teddy bears like busting and they've got like nunchucks. They've got machetes. They've got they just look like the rabid fucking little bear gremlins like like from like Star Wars. One of those little dudes called the Ewoks. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of look like that. And I said, like, like I grabbed one that comes in the window. I start to go like no. And he bites you on the arm. So what do you guys do? There's 12 angry teddy bear creatures in the room with you. How tall are they? Between a lot of foot and a half to two feet tall. Maybe about Chucky's eyes. I try to communicate. I try to open up a line of communication. What do you say? Hey, are you guys for real right now?
01:02:45
Speaker
are you I don't want to hurt and I say, I don't want to hurt you guys. Roll, manipulate someone, Jimmy Jango to see. I got 12. You see one stops and he gives you like the cute like little puss in boots eyes and he goes, sometimes I can't help what I've got to do to you. I'm sorry. Why are you attacking us? Because I can't help it. Why? Because. And he throws at a ninja star and it sticks into your shirt.
01:03:14
Speaker
Wow. Oh, that didn't hurt at all. Actually. Yeah. yeah They're just like little plastic. on it's like Oh, that's adorable.
Battle with Teddy Bears
01:03:22
Speaker
yeah Okay. Like it's caught on your shirt. Can I literally go up and just like kick some ass, like literally kick one in the ass, like just you can like wait literally, oh you can make this as over the top as you want. Cause you guys are like action heroes. You can hurt several if you want. There's, there's a dozen of them in here. So I want to send a message. I want to like pick one up and just like punt them like literally like a football.
01:03:44
Speaker
ah Yeah, roll kick some ass and I'll give you a plus one because he's in perfect punting position for you to kick. I got a 13. A 13 for kick some ass? ah Yeah, tell me what happens. You can you have different options for kick some ass if you want to use it. I just punt him right back out the window and he just goes for it. Yeah, he just goes, ah! Like when a Team Rocket gets yeeted. Yeah.
01:04:05
Speaker
And like he goes out the window and a bunch of his fur and like fluff inside of his body gets stuck on the shattered pieces of glasses that he busted through as he goes out the other side. Which a couple of them look like in dismay, like, oh, my God, Teddy. Jack laser, what do you do? I point with my knife at what just happened. and I say, now, this is a place of joy. We don't want to hurt you guys. Please don't fight us. Put your nunchucks and your plastic stars down.
01:04:35
Speaker
Uh, you can try and manipulate someone too, if you want. Cause I don't want to, I don't want to fight these little fellas. I love them.
01:04:43
Speaker
Uh, I got a seven. At the seven. um So, yeah, you see a couple of them kind of start to stand down for a second and like they kind of back up and they step aside and you see one that's got like um like a scar, like like some stitching across his eye and like one of his eye, you know, like he's got like missing tufts of his of his fluff, his fur. They look like he's been stitched and repaired like a bunch of times and he pulls out like a little toy, like a toy sledgehammer and he says,
01:05:12
Speaker
All right. It's just me and you then. Um, as the other guys step aside, I straight up very serious and like, is my my big buff arms, my tank top, my knife, and I just like step side step into like the center of the room. Okay.
01:05:28
Speaker
ah I do a little hand away from him to come at me. And he comes at you and he goes for Teddy Freedom. And he starts running at you with like his like fucking sledgehammer over his head screaming. What do you do? I'm going to lean into him. He's two feet tall, so it's going to be hard. I'm going to lean into him and I want to like. ah Stop him and grab him and throw him up in the air. um Are you trying to hurt him or put him in so a certain position?
Conspiracy Unveiled
01:05:53
Speaker
um Well, what I want to um i want I want to put him in a certain position.
01:05:57
Speaker
Alright, then just call it kicks of mass and you can either do damage or you can just do it so you can try to put him where you want him. 11 success. That's an 11. Yeah, you successfully he goes to swing it and you just like get low enough somehow you get down on your knees or some shit. I call this one the scorpion stance. I want to do a split almost. ah You do a split and then like you shoulder check him up and into the air. Yeah, I throw him in the air. And there's a ceiling fan up there and he gets
01:06:26
Speaker
The only ceiling fan in the whole town hall and you found it and that's pretty he just goes flying across the room And i so I straighten up ah still in a buff badass guy stance does all the little fluff and stuff rains down around
01:06:44
Speaker
Uh, it should be jungle. What do you do after you see that? There's still a few guys that are surrounding you. Uh, they have a miscellaneous weapons that they wish to strike you with. Um, I just, I don't know. It's just, I look, I'm just watching that scene and I'm like, wow, it's pretty cool. Uh, and I just kind of looked down at those guys and I'm like, are you, I just like, do do I do one of those like gestures? Like I just move my hand at, at the,
01:07:10
Speaker
at the like destroyed Teddy and I they just go like you really want to do this like I'm just like going to that like you know like you really want to manipulate somebody with a plus one since you're using that as like leverage to upset them.
01:07:24
Speaker
Nine. That's a nine. So, yeah, I'd say. So you've you've punted one out the window. He just fucking pointed or shoulder checked one onto into a ceiling fan. There's 10 of them left. I'd say since you roll the nine, nine of them just they put their hands up, they drop their weapons and they just start walking out the door. There's one left. It's got like a ah for some reason, he has like a metal spatula, like a flipper in his hand. And he's like pointing it at you and like a challenge. um I'm just going to go like step on him. I don't know.
01:07:53
Speaker
jimmy jimmy Jimmy, keep one alive, we need to interrogate him. Okay, and I step on him. You step on me, let's not of squeak.
01:08:03
Speaker
Yeah. So you have him captured. All right. I'm just going to pick him up. Be like, all right. So why? Yeah. Talk. i You hear you see like his eyes become like a purple color. um And he says that I say who goes there? That's messing with my little teddies. Well, my name's Jimmy Chang. That's Jack. Can I point the teddy bear at Jack?
01:08:33
Speaker
Oh, yes, I've heard of the god slayer and the the tough guy buffoon. Yeah, so we're we're investigating the I'm really pissed off that this parade is canceled. All right. So we're ah investigating it. Yeah. What are you doing these bears? ah Could you step in front of the camera lens? I can't see you. Where's the camera?
01:08:56
Speaker
It's in his eyes, he just can't see Jack. Oh, I point at Jack. I point at Jack every time Jack talks so he can see him. Okay. Where are the bears? Despite disorienting, can you just stand both in the same place? No. No. Too cool to stand close together. It's really given me some sea sickness a little. Turn them upside down. Turn them upside down. Ah, motion sensitive, stop it. Listen, we're the ones asking questions here, so.
01:09:24
Speaker
Well, if you must know, I and I have all the bears. You shouldn't be alive. Who are you? It's none of your business who I am. Just know that you're- I shake the bear. I just can't look at the, I need to, I need to make some kind of eye contact, but it's impolite not to, but I know you can't see my eyes, but just pretend the bear's eyes are my eyes.
01:09:51
Speaker
Okay. That's what I'm doing. And I, I'm still holding it by its feet, like upside down. All right. Look, I'm just going to, you can't see me, but I'm going to stand on my hands. So this seems to make more sense. There we go.
01:10:05
Speaker
Uh, Adams, could you hold my feet for me? who Thank you. Um, and so you hear him say, if you must know, I have all the bears because this town is, is, it's just, it's just, it's awful. It's just awful. And so now the bears work for me. What? The bears work for me now.
01:10:27
Speaker
Why is it awful? What's wrong with the parade and like you know be being a tourist destination and then in the beautiful state of Oklahoma? Yes. Well, that's that's that's the problem right there. It's in the it's in Oklahoma, not in and not in ah British Columbia where I want it to be. It's a hidden gem. Yeah, it's a hidden gem like he said.
01:10:51
Speaker
Well, now it's going to be a buried gem because all the bears work for me now. And I am making all the money. Oh, OK. No, quite literally, I'm making the money. Oh, you see, there is a counterfeiting operation going on here. In fact, I bet you were supposed to tell me not to say these things we talk about. Hold this, hold this, Jack, when I hand the bear to Jack. And it's my first monologue. I'm sorry. I write down I write down in my notepad like.
01:11:21
Speaker
counterfeiting operation. Confirmed. Question mark, Bruce Columbia? BC? Question mark. I lift the teddy bears to the eyes, looking at my eyes, I'm like, did I hear you say badmoms? You have badmoms in there with you? What are you doing? Yes. Yes. Grizzly badmoms. He's my big fluffy helper.
01:11:42
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, the the the backwoods bear, losing his cabin here, and back back behind the city. Yeah, everybody knows about him. He doesn't like to come out, but if you get to see him, his magical thing, his magical sight, where is he? He's right beside me. Say hi, Baddams. Baddams, I'll call i save you i set you free from this strange man of un-American origin. Oh, no, Baddams loves me. Isn't that right, my big, big boy?
01:12:11
Speaker
Anyway, you'll never find me in my factory. Damn it, Adams. You're supposed to stop me. We didn't say where he is. So I mean, I'm not going to tell you that it's just on the outside of town, northeastward. All right. No, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We've got to hang up. This guy's making it way too easy.
01:12:30
Speaker
I think he's getting us into a trap. Yeah. Well, I don't know, man. I throw the bear down. You're like, Oh, that would have been a good idea to lay a trap for you. We might still have time. Adams said that over there. And then the bear goes bit um the bird just like gets up and looks around and he's just like, are we done? Are we not talking anymore?
01:12:56
Speaker
Are you even like, do you have your own like personnel? Are you like, what are you? Are you, what are you? Yeah. Answer me. All right. What are you? I'm a Teddy bear. Let's be friends. I think I used to think it was kind of like chat GPT shit going on. I'm pretty, I'm pretty sure they're animatronic, but they never used to talk this much. Yeah. There's some upgrades that have been made, huh? Like I guess a Teddy bear tech has advanced quite a bit in the last couple of years.
01:13:21
Speaker
You can actually tell, though, that they're not like when you pick them up and you're punching them and kicking them, they're all fluff. Really? Yeah, they're not they're not robotic. They're not animatronic. They're not like there's no metal pieces in them. That's true. I remembered no metal came out. They're real. I knew they were real. I knew you were real. I think I'm up to hug them. Oh, thank you. They bite your neck after you hug them. OK, cool it. hey What's your name, little fella? Teddy. All right, Teddy, you want to come with us on a wild adventure?
01:13:51
Speaker
Nope. And he tries to bite you again. ah i'm taking that I'm grabbing the Teddy. I'm grabbing the Teddy off. Jack. ah Oh, you punch him and then you tend to, end then he takes you. What do you do with him? Um, I'm just holding onto his
Escape Plan
01:14:03
Speaker
neck. All right. He just got, I can't breathe. You're going to kill me. Mr. Chibachaka. That's the idea. And then I look at him for a second. I feel a little bit, uh, you know, chimichanga feels a little like hesitation. Uh-huh.
01:14:20
Speaker
And he's like, wait a second. No, you just bit Jack and then he just rips his head off. Oh, you've killed me. And he just lays her as a head and i empty out all the stuffing. And then I'm looking for mechanical components anyways. No, no mechanical components anywhere. It's all all fluff. All front of my notepad. Magic question mark. You would actually know this Jimmy Chang as a guy who has seen this kind of thing. before Like, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Magic. Yeah, you would know. Yeah, this is definitely some sort of wizardry.
01:14:50
Speaker
Or witchcraft. Or witchcraft, yes. Sorcery. Sorry. Some kind of sorcery or or your heresy, blasphemy, whatever. Yeah. yeah But I'm going to note that. I'm going to make a note of that.
01:15:03
Speaker
You have successfully noted it. all right Um, all right. Um, I'm just gonna start smoking inside after that shit. So now what do you guys do?
01:15:25
Speaker
I'll go outside and have a smoke because I'm stressed. okay stressed out You go outside and you see the helicopters flying off back the way it came. I take out my stinger missile and I shoot it down. fifteen and Roll kick some ass with your stinger missile. You definitely had this whole time. I'm sorry, I'm kidding. I'll stop doing that. No, you can. This is a very strange cartoon we're in.
01:15:48
Speaker
Oh, there's a stinger missile on the back of this golf cart. Yeah. I should probably shoot down the... I leave a cigarette on my mouth and I'm grabbing the stinger missile, which I know how to use. Back of the golf cart. Wait, or Chibichanga, what if I use this grappling gun? I also have. I shoot at it. I hang onto you. You hold onto my waist and we fly over to that place. We follow them. All right. Don't miss. All right. All right. Roll kicks of mass, plus 15. If I do miss. Oh, yeah.
01:16:19
Speaker
I got a fourteen. So you got a twenty nine as you fire this grab this fucking grappling with this like two thousand feet long. I can catch this thing off in the distance. Clink grapples onto it. You guys right ah watch out. There's a building. There's a building. Make this thing attract faster. Act under pressure. Put your legs up. Put your legs up.
01:16:42
Speaker
Oh, damn, a nine. It's like you run on the side of the building to avoid hitting it. Oh, it's hitting the how and dragon. um hey I imagine my feet hit the building and it hits the the my wound from the glass earlier and it hurts a lot. Yes. You lose a few. It's like zomboid. Yeah. I'm like, I got change the bandage now.
01:17:03
Speaker
Oh, fuck. Yeah, you can see it's like brown on your leg as you as you run off it. um So Jimmy Chang runs on the side of a building as you guys catch up to the helicopter. You guys are hanging from and see the helicopter starts to let descend about two minutes later on top of a giant factory is massive factory. How could you miss it? It's crazy. man um And I guess before it lands, we like i disengage so we can roll across the rooftop. Disengage.
01:17:31
Speaker
I don't like under pressure to see if you how you guys deal with landing, but she's I'm gonna didn't tell Jimmy Changi you're disengaging Yeah, I got 12. I got Jimmy Chang in a better than you Check how do you land? um I still feel like I land in a very awkward angle and I hurt my ankle even more Yeah, every time I feel like there's no way I possibly get out of that like without taking some damage.
01:17:55
Speaker
But all right, you take to you. You take one damage. I take one arm, one of all from. I'm OK. So harm. Yeah, I think. Yeah, that's that's fair. I've taken a lot of a lot of hits so far, you know.
01:18:07
Speaker
Yeah, just all the stress of the ankle today and the kicking and the running angles. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's got to hurt quite a bit. You know, Jack laser, you take one, too, because you don't land quite as gracefully and you do like a cool little like a parkour roll, but then like you headbutt like one of the air conditioning units. Yeah, playing.
01:18:26
Speaker
Wait, Chiwi Changa, you just give me our way in. Ow. You headbutt the thing open. because You roll so fast across the building like six times. Loops like, good thinking. ah Man, that guy's smart. Way to use your head.
01:18:41
Speaker
yeah yeah so you know i take reenter Before we enter. Take another experience point for such a good one-liner. I like that. Oh, hell yeah. him no me okay I leveled up. I have five experience. Nice. You can you can level up like when I'm talking to Justin, so you can pick a new skill or a new thing you want. um Before we go in, i would like I'm pulling out my phone while we're on the roof, and I'm ordering them five guys.
01:19:07
Speaker
you're ordering You're ordering the factory five guys? Yeah, like a lot. Awesome. You're just doing like an online order? Yeah, I'm doordashing them some five guys. Awesome. You're just paying with whatever money they can give you. Jack, What's the address here? Hold on, I'll leave. It doesn't matter. I'll just put factory. then sure that's It's the only factory here. Factory outside. ho was town I'm hoping, and just so we're i'm goingnna I'm just going to be explicit, I'm hoping that they show up and it's a bomb.
01:19:35
Speaker
Yeah, no, I I understand. I think we got that. OK, all right. Just want to be clear. What? Yeah, you. ah Yeah. ah You know, um ah Blake Dancer sees what you're doing and he kind of reroutes it. So that way it says that Jack B. Quick is doing all the ordering. um And so that way, like you're ordering Jack B. Swift, Jack B. Swift's account. That's actually a different guy. Jack B. Swift's account.
01:20:00
Speaker
All right. Do you want to order anything for yourself while you're there? ah Can I order a shotgun? Yeah, actually, you can. Sweet. I doordash a shotgun. I doordash a shotgun. So like it says, it'll it says that the five guys will be there in about ah seven minutes. um But it says your shotgun will be there in about 45 seconds.
01:20:22
Speaker
Oh really? And then a drone comes in. You see a drone off in the distance. like say It gets shot from an orbital. Yeah, yeah. You know what? i say like yeah it Yeah, it gets shot from an orbital. It's like a pod drops in. Yeah, okay. Yeah, a pod drops in, but it stops right before it hits the ground, ah right before it hits the roof and then just hovers. um Oh, sweet. And then your it opens up and your shotgun is there. Hey, this was my exact shotgun. How did I get that? I got it from your car and then it rockets back up in space.
Factory Infiltration
01:20:52
Speaker
OK, is it loaded? The rocket, the pod comes back. I'm sorry about that. It turns around and it's back and opens in his shotgun, a box of shotgun shells in it. Oh, sick. OK. Yeah, it'd be dangerous if you just handed someone to load a load of guns. So, you know, yeah, yes yeah. So it's a safety thing. We don't want yeah people to hurt themselves. Yeah. Hey, um do you have a lighter in there? I drop mine.
01:21:14
Speaker
Uh, yes, one second and it turns around and like under, under its belly, there's like a little arm that opens up with like a, with like a cigarette lighter. Thank you. Hey, Jimmy has 20 feet of rope. Huh? What? Do you have 20 feet of rope? Do you have 20 feet of rope? Exactly. Uh, we have 22 foot rope, 25 foot rope or 15 foot rope.
01:21:33
Speaker
15 Well, I think we should get more just in case All right. All right. We'll get to 25 feet. It gives you the 25 We're a big we're having a big extra loop just laying on the ground, but okay. Will that be all gentlemen? Yeah, ah you need anything else? I'm good. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'm good. Hey, don't forget to leave me a five-star review. My name is Kate In fire fuck up space OK, cool. That was weird. All right. Yeah, you get a notification on your phone that that the letter K and the number eight served you today. Now, it's clever. um I give them I give them I give them five stars. Nice. OK, so you do that and you see a little chippy version of a pod that's like bowing and crossing their hands together. i'm like Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Right. I shut my phone off. OK. And so you guys are on the roof. You got your your shotgun.
01:22:27
Speaker
Um, you knocked the great open to go into the factory. What do you do? Jack laser? Um, I got the 25 feet of rope in case the vent goes down and we need to do any, or we need to jump off anything. So I'm going to throw it down the vent so we can somebody slide hang down there. But you throw it down the vent and you hear somebody say, Hey, I've always wanted some new rope. Well, hold that. Hold that in fast for me. You want me to hold it? I, I,
01:22:52
Speaker
Jet. jack Hold on. Hold on. I drop a flashbang down there. it's like All right. I'm holding the rope. Hey, what's this? Oh, I could go jump around and slide down the rope. All right. You slide down the rope action style as the flashbang goes off. You come down. You see there's three teddy bears and like a janitor ah like holding onto their eyes like, ah oh, God.
01:23:19
Speaker
I should be the first one to start zip tying his arms behind his back. This is a raid. What do you do, Jimmy Chang? Excuse me. I look around and I see a fire escape from the stairs going down the external side of the roof. Maybe. And then I go down those instead. OK. You get the fire escape. All right. And then I go in the front door. You go in the front door? Perfect. You go in the front door.
01:23:49
Speaker
And you see what stuff just an event. I mean, like that little space to me. I want to come down. yeah ah You walk in the front door, you see this massive open foyer. And in the background, you see like a bunch of like big old like tubes and and clear glass cases of, ah you know, different teddies, like there's like glowing purple energy around them in these cases.
01:24:13
Speaker
And then you see like all around you where the workers are. is There's a bunch of teddy bears that are like, stamping down like this metal and like this, this stamp this image, it's like stamping on top of it. So they're pulling levers, and they're making coins. is oh Okay, so I take on my notepad like counterfeiting I add for sure and then I add magic for sure I Put my notepad back and start walking through the factory and do I see ah or hear? Jack ah I Don't know Jack. Let's cut the jack. Jack. What are you doing? Just know Jimmy Chang would hear you. I'm up there um I'm just or I'm holding like my shotgun at the at the Bears and I'm I having this arm and I'm having them tie each other up. but
Showdown with the Villain
01:25:00
Speaker
zip that Yeah, they tie each other up. Do it tight. Do it tight. Yeah, you you just hear him kind of screaming like like a floor up like at somebody to do it tight. He's like echoing in the foyer. and That's probably him.
01:25:12
Speaker
Yeah, you see like on the sides of the room, there's like these kind of ladders or not ladders, but like stairs, like these metal stairs that go up. Yeah, I'm going to go to the next platform. Yeah, I'm just walking slowly, by the way. I'm not like running or anything. I'm just like acting like no one pays you any mind at the moment. Yeah, I'm just going. and I'm just going upstairs and and you you get to the top landing and you say I do a combat roll out of the hallway and and I look around my shotgun like, oh, hey, oh, hey, Jack, how did the rope go? I stand up straight. Oh, that's pretty nice. I subdued five beers back there.
01:25:42
Speaker
Oh, really? All right, let me go. Do you want to interrogate him? um No, this is a quick shot mission to the heart of the operation. Oh, weird British guy. Oh, yeah. Okay. um Can I investigate a mystery to see where the boss's room is? Yeah, sure. Go for it. What does he get?
01:26:03
Speaker
I got 13. Wow. Gee, I guess I know I like look out over the factory for it. I'm like the sign that says bosses. It says boss. And I'm like, oh, it's probably like. Much like the arrows that point to where the museum is, there's a bunch of arrows. It says like evil boss incorporated this direction because the bob bears always get lost. They can never find his office. Yeah. they Yeah. They're still learning like ah human words. So they have to like, you know, arrows. Everybody knows that's a universal language and everything.
01:26:29
Speaker
Hmm. Hey Jack. So there's the, I think it's over there. I think not sure though. Do you want to go check that out? It says, yeah. All right. Let's walk over there. It's gotta to be safe. You guys walk in and you see you see that there is a guy who has like a pair of big, thick specs on. He's kind of like rotund. He has a mustache. um And he has like kind of like a big hunter's hat and a big hunter's rifle next to him. um and like also like so And at the at the like hanging off of the rifle is like a couple like glowing skulls. And you see there's like a large grizzly bear that's like massaging his temples like as he's sitting in his office chair.
01:27:09
Speaker
He's like, yes, quiet, Vadams. It's been an awful day. I've just never thought heroes would show up already. Vadams, what are you doing massaging another man? You're too good for that. You get massages. You see, Vadams like immediately stops like massaging his head and starts charging you and looks like he's about to just like beat the shit out of you. I throw my shotgun aside and pull a knife out. All right, Vadams.
01:27:36
Speaker
I just and just so you guys know, this isn't a real grizzly bear. He's like, he's like a he's like a he's like an animated left yeah figure. Yeah. We're not murdering actual bears on this show, guys. Bear bear bear bear bear starts it. You got to finish it. Yeah. And so he charges. What do you do? um i wait I wait as he comes. It's kind of like ah Just ah catch him in like a grapple and wrestle. All right. Roll ah roll act under pressure to see if you can. Seven maintain it. A seven. That's not super good. So, yeah, you kind of have him in a grapple but because he's so much bigger than you as he's on his back legs. Like he's like bearing down on you. um and yeah And he's he's he's bearing down on me.
01:28:24
Speaker
ah So he looks like he's winning the struggle right now Jimmy Jango, what do you do? I'm gonna roll to protect somebody Gonna roll protect someone. All right roll roll protect someone. I believe that's plus tough, right? Yeah, gonna eat You got an eight so expose yourself to danger instead. So you go Well, what does it look like that you're trying to accomplish? How do you put as he like he gets he gets a hold of Jack, right? So right I'm gonna try to run up behind him and then just like i I'm not gonna run by him I'm gonna try to like tackle him You're trying to tackle the bear. Yeah. Get him off. right So you're like you like shove your shoulder into him trying to like knock him off balance and you do kind of. But also he's fluff. So a lot of your energy is just being absorbed by like a shit kind of stuffing. I should have tried to grab him.
01:29:05
Speaker
Yeah, so now you guys are both ah tussling with him and you see the guy who's clearly dressed like cosplaying as Teddy Roosevelt um grabs his gun and puts his hat on. He goes, well, I say, I suppose it's about time for me to get another couple of heads on my wall. um And he points his gun at you guys and starts to shoot. What do you do, Jack?
01:29:25
Speaker
Um, I do a roll across the floor to get my shotgun back and, uh, then I roll behind, uh, some sort of instrument apparatus machine I can hide behind. All right. Do another act under pressure, but this one's going to be at a minus one because you're still being grappled by a bear, and but you still got an 11 minus one is a 10. So you break, you rest yourself free of the bear's grasp. When you roll over, you get your shotgun and get into cover. What do you do next?
01:29:52
Speaker
um and Like ah and and just like the the rifle blast like like just hits right where you were you roll just in time as it leaves like a hole in the floor view and you see like you see like when you roll like the floor has like a like a green oozy like blow around the hole that it left it looks like it's melting part of the floor you I ah pull my magnum out and I jump up and I lean over the thing I'm hiding behind and I Cuck my gun and I fire it off. At Teddy Roosevelt? Yeah. All right. Roll. believe chiy chaga i know I know he can fight the bear. He can fight a bear if we know he can. Twelve. Well, it's a twelve. So you get is that advanced kick some ass or is that right? It's right between the eyes. He's at twelve plus pick an enhanced effect. All right. So here's the thing. um I do three damage with my magnum. um um I want to do
01:30:48
Speaker
Incredible harm only they one more damage and somewhere around here I have finished him whenever I inflict a massive injury through harm or more I may immediately fall up with another attack and I can roll tough again To either double the harm one extra or of myself to some shit. So I did four damage I want to do that So I'm gonna do my next might finish him attack again for your finishing move like not you think that's it I pull the hammer back again on the Magnum and Okay. 10 baby double the harm harm. So do you hate harm total? Yeah. Uh, yeah, you just fucking, what does it look like when you, you showed up, kill this guy. He does not have a lot of help. I was going to say the first shot chuck say says goes right through his between his eyes. I'm like, you think that's all talking as he falls backwards. I shoot him in the dick.
01:31:37
Speaker
No, no, jack I know Wow and then that's used that already yeah Yeah, and then but it's all censored like where the bullet goes through the camera cuts back to you as it hits and then back to him as he's on the ground You see some blood splatter. Yeah, it is in the blood splatters on the camera to cover the dick wound Yeah, the blood is green. Oh, so that way it's like less, you know, it's it it goes. we can so We can we can sell it in China or wherever they have like those really big center. And so chimi chang all of a sudden you get a bear hug from this big bear is like you as you're wrestling with it and then it wraps its arms around you and picks it up and then you see the light start to fade from its eyes as it hugs you. Wow.
01:32:24
Speaker
Is it a painful hug? No, just, uh, it loves you hug. do Okay. do i know Okay. If I, if it's not painful, then I'm like, Oh, can you put me down? And then it just stops moving. It just reverts back to more like a statuesque stuffy. Oh shit. He died. Jack. Yeah. Jack. We killed the power source for the bears. What do what do you mean? Do you unplug them? Baxter, whatever the fuck his name is, is.
01:32:54
Speaker
Look at him. I walk over. I holster my magnum. Grizzly badmoms. Grizzly badmoms. I never got to see him when he was sneaking around the park. I would never see him again if I could bring him back to life. um I take off my hat. that I put on a hat and then I take it off. Yeah. na yeah Moment of silence. free Yeah, I assume I'm i'm free now. He wasn't like holding you too tightly. just He just had his arms around you. He only gave you a hug before he faded off. i look out it I want to look outside of the factory. You look outside of the factory? I want to look outside of the office that we're in, I'm assuming. Yeah, you see down below, you see all the bears are just like laying on the ground, like as if like Andy walked into the room and all the toys went limp.
Victory and Reflection
01:33:46
Speaker
Wow, that's a great, that's a great example. Yeah. I come out and I'm like, at what cost Jimmy Changa? At what cost we pay for the freedom of this country. Wait, so like this guy was, you're telling me that this guy was running the show for years and years and years and years? No, just recently, whenever the bears became evil or disappeared wherever it was.
01:34:09
Speaker
Yeah, but like, what was it like before that? Like, where they... Did they move on their own? They just kind of, like, stood in one place in, like, a window or something, and they'd be like... Welcome to Hugvale. We will hug you. Well, you never really got to hug me. There were people dressed as bears. You would hug them, but you could tell it wasn't real. You knew it was a person. Alright, well, um I guess we're done here.
01:34:28
Speaker
I guess so. Uh, I pull out my, my big phone, which actually is a satellite phone and I call, um, when I say that guy's name was, who's my cop buddy. I'm like, did I give him a name? Oh, yeah. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.
01:34:46
Speaker
Dick dick Yeah. Do you know anybody? Laser? I don't know. Is that how you talked? I can't remember. I can't remember. It's been too long. Dick. Do you know anybody in the P.D. in Oklahoma near Hugginsville? I know everybody in the P.D. in Oklahoma near Hugginsville. I know you would. You know every single cop everywhere in the country. I'm a very social cop. Anyway, we just busted a big counterfeiting bear smuggling ring.
01:35:16
Speaker
You need to come here. Oh, goddamn, did you solve that one? I heard that the local police weren't even investigating because they weren't, quote unquote, beanie babies. Yeah. Yeah, you got to send some paper to kind of mop this up. and Naturally, I'll be far going by the time they get here. But it just so happens I'm already in the area. I was going to bring the family up to Hugglesville so damn to get in for free. I forgot you're a multi-jurisdictional.
01:35:44
Speaker
But that's good. Yeah, I'm I'm I'm an inter. State. they said ah dick I think that means you you work on the interstate, but OK. My jurisdiction is anywhere where there's a state. re I know I know I never was a cop, so I don't know. So so he's yeah anyway, give us a turn a blind eye to this just one time, laser. Get out of there. What do you blame? Hey.
01:36:14
Speaker
I'm cleaning up what the cops won't do when I hang up. Yeah. easy like he love i sorry Yeah. Like it cuts, it cuts to him in the car. He's in like a minivan with his kids and his wife. Like, was that Jack? Was that Jack Lazar again? Is he coming for Thanksgiving? He says he doesn't know. I'll get him son.
01:36:36
Speaker
is
01:36:39
Speaker
I love when he comes with us. So to be checked out, you look out, you see all the bears laying on the ground. What do you do as he's on the phone? I um ah just text Jane secretary. Uh-huh. and Okay. So John's done like a peasant from ah Warcraft three. I don't mean myself to laugh.
01:37:05
Speaker
Yeah, job done. More work. All right. yeah
01:37:12
Speaker
it's And then I say off I go then. dontgo that ah So see yeah she just sends you a she sends you a gift of that guy who's eating something and he leans out there the the hallway door and gives you a thumbs up. That's one of my favorites.
01:37:29
Speaker
Yeah, you just and so like I'm like, is I'm texting again? Like, is that really it? That was the easiest. That's probably the easiest job you ever sent me on. Why was it? She shouldn't. She sends you a gift of Elmo shrugging.
01:37:44
Speaker
Jane, you're a mysterious woman.
01:37:47
Speaker
she She sends you one of that girl that just gets like 15 hot dogs, hit her in the face at once. What? Hey, that's a little too suggestive for me. oh Hey, is she sending you those Mimi's? Yeah, she is. I don't understand these. Oh, I think that one means she's hungry.
01:38:08
Speaker
And then just as just as you guys are having that conversation, you see about like 45 cars pull up and you see five guys hop out of each of them and they're all carrying like a fuck ton of like brown bags. We got to get out of here. And they start running in five guys. We're slow motion. We're running away from the five guys, guys. And we do a dive freeze frame as all the five guys explodes behind us. And as you guys jump out of the building through the window, as the building starts to explode with a series of five pack men and packed in beefy goodness, as the credits start to roll and the song starts to play.
01:38:54
Speaker
and And we're laying him next to a car. I'm not gonna tip him. You already did already did. You have to tip before you have to tip. I mean, dude, that was a good service. They showed up pretty fast with a bunch of bombs. i'm not ah Whatever. Okay, just a tip. I'm getting
Action-Comedy Conclusion
01:39:10
Speaker
in my Corolla and driving off into the sunset.
01:39:56
Speaker
but doest look good already