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The Affordables 1.10: Apawkalips: Cow!
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idk what to put here so uh... enjoy the episode. I'm tired :P
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode Welcome
00:00:29
Speaker
Okay. No, he can piss whenever he wants to. Oh, this is a great start to the podcast. This is a great start. I'm not going to tell my roommate when not to piss. That's where I draw the line.
00:00:40
Speaker
he can this you are Oh, man. Great, excellent start. I love it. ah Good morning, everybody. Good afternoon and good evening. Ladies, gentlemen, non-binary folks of the universe. know This is role players. Welcome back to episode 10 of The Affordables with our friends, David and Cass and Justin. Our kitty's here, too. She'll say hi here in a minute when her character shows up.
00:01:00
Speaker
um
Recap of Past Adventures
00:01:01
Speaker
Alright, real quick summary, because I know we've had a couple of bye weeks lately just because like life is getting fucking crazy and I'm not going to apologize for needing a rest. Anyway, so here's what's here's what happened. Alright, before David's, yeah let's go back two episodes worth.
00:01:16
Speaker
Jay Proto gets kidnapped after a job rescuing ah a dragon because there's a wizard inside of him. Maxine Steele shows up, takes Everett's car, kidnaps him, floating down the river. Bye bye, Jay Proto. And then you know we see the King of England becomes Jack Lazer. And Everett's like, oh, wait, nobody leave me. I'm just a bear. What the fuck?
00:01:36
Speaker
and whatever, however she talks and then, um, and then fast forward, this guy named Gabe shows up vampires. Oh no. Wrestlers bulk broken. They go fight that guy. Oh shit. They kill the leader and they saved the day and they get a bunch of money, but where's Jay proto? We don't know.
00:01:52
Speaker
um And he wasn't there, but they killed a bunch of vampires and got a bunch of money. And Jay Proto was still kidnapped by Maxine Steele. And now you know everything that you need to know. That's pretty
28 Days Later: Updates and Purchases
00:02:03
Speaker
much it. Did I miss anything? Justin? Cass? Anything? Did I miss anything? Nope. Don't think so. Cool. Excellent. All right. Hit that music. I'm just kidding. We already hit the music before. um All right.
00:02:17
Speaker
so um You guys all get a call. ah ah Well, at least the three of you, the main players, get a call on your Discord phones. But before actually, you know, what before we do that, you guys, how much time do you think has passed, ah Justin, since Jack, Lazer and Everett and Gabe defeated the ah the vampires? um It is 28 years later. Killian Murphy is not in the movie. No, I'm just kidding. That's a lobby to alone. It's 28 days later.
00:02:49
Speaker
Almost a whole month. Oh, shit. Oh, oh, my. That happens roughly since I don't know what time of year we said it was originally, but, you know, it's whatever season you guys wanted to be. um So 28 days later passes. Everett, ah you said that you've been working out, you've been working with the the the police department and stuff.
00:03:17
Speaker
um And Jack, you know what? Why don't you guys just roll ah whatever roll you want that you think will be the most successful, that you think is something you've been working on over the next 28 days? Because there's been no jobs from Blake Dancer. He's been radio silent for the past month since your job with the vampires. I'm buying an RV. A failure. What did you roll? I rolled charm. I'm buying an RV.
00:03:44
Speaker
All right. Well, hey, you know what? You get one experience point for failing. You've got to you succeed. I would say probably a cool. All right. Real cool. You're all the nine. That's still, you know, we'll call that one and a half experience points. Now, I will call it to how much money I lose on my RV purchase. You lose twelve hundred dollars on your RV purchase. um So you just purchased an ah RV to go on road trips and stuff with Everett. Have you purchased anything?
00:04:15
Speaker
Yeah, she
The Quest for Ramsey Begins
00:04:16
Speaker
had a new car. A new fancy car with your winnings. Awesome. Jay Proto, you rolled an eight. That's ah two experience points for you as well. After ever all of the trauma that you've been through oh and over over the past month, you've been kidnapped for ah with the four days that they've been out plus the 28 days later after that little over a month.
00:04:40
Speaker
Um, yeah. so like So do I succeed in escaping with my out pressure roll? Uh, yeah. You know what? I was going to just have her drop you off. If you want to say you escaped, that's kind of funny too. You can tell like how you did it. Um, cause you rolled an eight. So it was a very, it wasn't a very clean escape. Um, right. Yeah. Uh, so I w I was going to try to get, uh, Everett's car back as well. I that's just been parked outside and she's like,
00:05:04
Speaker
This lady, you know, Miss Steele here has been taking it to the store and all that. And just like using it for her day to day life. ah So I want to steal it back. All right. ah You steal the car um ah back, but it's in terrible condition.
00:05:21
Speaker
Uh, just cause Maxine's been just driving it ragged this whole time, but I'd say that you probably steal it, but she's aware that you've gotten away and you can hear her just like screaming things at you. Like, as you peel out of the driveway, wherever the fuck that may be, I don't know where she lives. Um, is it like, is it like just dirty? Like, are there like rappers everywhere? You know, like,
00:05:41
Speaker
Yeah, like, you know, like the backseat is just has been just used for like McDonald's bags, protein shake containers. God, like it's just like the whole backseat is just like it looks like just like a a transient lives back there. Yeah, she is. she She's disgusting. All right. I'm going to. So I'm going to swing by. I'll get some gas and we're going to throw everything out and clean up the car a bit. All right. All right. Roll roll. Roll plus cool again to see how well you clean the car. Actually, you know what? I lied. Make it be sharp.
00:06:10
Speaker
Whatever your sharp is, add that to it instead. What is that, an eight? Well, no, you don't have to reroll. You could just add in your sharp roll. um So, yeah, OK, you got it. For the most part, it's good. You got it. ah You know, there's a few dings from Maxine just kind of doing some six stunts in it and stuff, but you got it. um OK, so, ah Jay, you get far enough away from Maxine's cell jammer ah for just in time for Blake Dancer to send you guys all a ping out in the Discord chat to say that he has another job for all of you. um
Discovering Ramsey and the Chaos
00:06:45
Speaker
And then he jumps into a voice chat. um Who all jumps in with him? Jay immediately goes into the voice chat.
00:06:54
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Jack, you too? Uh, yeah. You see, Jack, uh, gets onto it awkwardly and then like, then you just see, he throws the phone and then you just see like an, like sort of the sky whizzing by. He's, as it seats, put it on the dashboard of his RV. Hey, I'm here. Okay. He goes, Hey, Hey, put your windows up. It's too fucking loud. Uh, the windows. Oh, that's the way I talk. Uh, the windows are down, but, uh,
00:07:21
Speaker
This thing really, I got kind of screwed with the deal, it's got a really shitty alternator or something, manifold muffler thing, I don't know. Right, put the windows up, I mean, it's too fucking loud, the wind's blowing like crazy. No, that's what I said, the windows are up, the car just sounds horrible. I'm gonna say, I'm sorry. Fuck. I mean, the RV sounds horrible. Right, hey, Everett, how's it going?
00:07:46
Speaker
Oh, you know, um, doin' alright. I'm just, uh, wondering what happened to you, uh, Mr. Jack Lazer. Huh? Where have you been, Jack Lazer? We're not Jack Lazer. Fuckin', what was it? You mean me? You guys need to- You guys didn't even come look for me. je They got kidnapped and you no one gave a fuck.
00:08:13
Speaker
What are you talking about? You took my car and- That's why you fucked off. You just fucked off, like you- No, I got kidnapped by Maxine Steele. Last I remember, you were running a- I had no cell service. Last I remember, you were jumping down the Rio Grande or something. You were running a boat. I got kidnapped. How was I supposed to know? You were in a river. I thought she- Didn't she hog tie me? I don't even remember now. She made me watch- things. I don't know what happened man, I don't know what happened to you man, but it sounds like a good time. It wasn't. She made me watch the entirety of Lost. Oh god, I was lost watching it. Sorry about that. It was awful. It started out alright and then it sucked. Is that a tattoo on your cheek?
00:09:00
Speaker
Yeah, what is that? What's that on your cheek? I don't know, you tell me. What's that on your face? It kind of looks nice. All right, Jay just kills himself and moves on.
00:09:14
Speaker
in Minecraft. Um, so, so, uh, he says, right, look, ah trauma aside, I didn't hire you to be a therapist. I hired you to tell you that I got a new job for you. I know it's been a hot minute, but I raised some more money and I got a hot new job for you guys to go and do. Is it like hot, like ah literally or like just a a good one? Well, it's out in the, in the wastelands of doodad Montana. So it's going to be a little toasty.
00:09:44
Speaker
Sick. Oh, what? but What? Where? Where? Doodad Montana. You ever been? ah Jay looks at a sign that's like he's like parked on the side of the road. He looks up and there's a sign that says Doodad Montana.
00:10:02
Speaker
ah So have you have you been it's it i've been? I've been over here. It's nice, but I've never been there before. I've been here for, apparently I've been here for a long time. Oh, that's great. Well, that's fortunate for you there, Jay. Hey, listen, since you're out there, ah the job is that there's a- I just looked at my notes and I spelled Montana with an extra T so I put Montana.
00:10:28
Speaker
Anyway, crack myself up, Montana. um Anyway, my brain is simple. Um, so there's been reports. This is kind of a weird job, but it's like a favor I'm doing. Um, somebody's dog went missing out that way. It's like a real, real interesting furry little pup. Uh, can so you guys just go and find it? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
00:10:56
Speaker
That's it. You just gotta to go find a dog. Yeah, it pays. Well, it's an easy job. Sorry. Not all of them are going to be like landmarks getting fucked up on, you know, fortunately. So this one's just sort of a favor from a friend. Wait, what's his name? The dog's name. I have no fucking idea. What's it look like? Well, I guess like, yeah, what does it look like? It looks like a dog.
00:11:23
Speaker
Guys, guys, we'll find a picture. We'll get a picture. wolf me We'll meet the person. yeah it It looks like, ah I think it's like a Rottweiler. Guys, let let's, let's, let's streamline this. Who's the contact? Good job. Who's the dog owner? The dog owner's name is Ramsey. All right. Uh, type of address into the thing here and we'll be there.
00:11:47
Speaker
Oh wait, maybe that's the dog's name. Hang on. Oh, it just says- Oh, it just starts yelling Ramsey out the window. It just says, contact Ramsey. That's all it says. It's a big old Rottweiler.
00:11:59
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Well, uh, I'll try to find Ramsey, I guess, in the meantime. Right. Okay. Then let me know when you finished the job, when you found it and just, you know, just give the dog a good time. You know, make sure that that they look good and that they're all clean. That way we can take them back looking good as new. Should be an easy job, right? I'm sure it will be. I'm sure it will be. Okay. Bye. And he leaves chat. ah What do you do? I start yelling Ramsey.
00:12:34
Speaker
You start yelling for Ramsey. ah Jack Lazer, you're driving to Montana. I say I say into that I yell to the phone. because i I haven't heard of it ever. Did he picked up? I mean, I got my new RV. Oh, yeah. ah Go ahead and you can pick me up. That'd be fine. All right. Type where you are into the chat. She sends her coordinates to him. What are your coordinates? She's at her apartment. Who? Where is your apartment?
00:13:03
Speaker
Um, so like in the more ritzy or part of town. Right. It's a part of town. All right. Yeah. Guys, you go pick her up. She's making money. Yeah, she is. Yeah. Rusted out RV drives through this nice neighborhood. Right. You drive to the nice neighborhood.
Ramsey's Chaotic Intentions
00:13:21
Speaker
And I pulled over house and I hit the horn.
00:13:23
Speaker
but to through I like that it dies at the end. ah yeah your I'm here. Oh, ah the that was like the weirdest one. She looks out the windows. Oh, my date's here. She runs off. Hey, Jack Lisa. Hello. Who are you talking to there? Your cat? You. No, I know you're talking to me now, but I saw you up there looking at the window talking.
00:13:58
Speaker
Well, I wasn't talking to anybody. I was just talking to myself. All right, cool. Get in the car. Meanwhile, there's just like a there's a gaggle of just like naked and like scantily clad people like laying around the TV in her apartment. Whoa. Those are all of her roommates paint. Um, I should paint this. She paints them. Yeah, she paints them. um All right. You get into your RV and you take the super highway to do that. Montana. It takes you 15 minutes.
00:14:28
Speaker
to get there because they just built a super highway that only exclusive people can take. Yeah. And you guys from non-disclosed location. or texas portal Yeah, it takes you. You drive in there. The super highway takes you through everyone else to your location. um It turns like ah a nine hour ride into a 15 minute ride.
00:14:50
Speaker
um Do that math. I don't know what that math is. It's probably easier than I'm making out to be. um And you guys are there. And so while you're doing your 15 minute drive, let's go to Jay Proto, who's calling out for Ramsey. So you're calling out for Ramsey, Jay Proto. Ramsey! Ramsey! I see a guy, like a homeless guy. I'm just like, hey, yeah you know Ramsey? Oh, Ramsey. Yeah, I know Ramsey.
00:15:20
Speaker
Uh, you know where he's at? Yeah. And he starts unzipping his pants. Okay. I didn't blow him up. Well, he reaches up. He's like, wait, it reaches deep into his pants and he pulls out a map. goes All right. Let's see. I'm sorry. Who are you looking for? His name's Ramsey. I don't have a last name. Randy. Let's see.
00:15:49
Speaker
bre Can't, can't, write how do you spell Ramsey? All right, if we just end this scene and I just drive off. Okay. And then ah he looks sad and then he goes back to sleep on the ground. um Man, I really wish I had someone to help me with this. This is really, ah this is taxing doing this all on your own. Yeah. i yeah like Like a fourth person on the team who was already here or something. I don't know. like Ah, it's frustrating. Jimmy, do you want to say what your person your character is doing? So my character is currently in an alleyway and they are butting their head against a dumpster at the moment.
00:16:34
Speaker
Uh, Jay, you hear as you're driving through the streets of this little kind of dusty desert town, you hear just like in an alleyway. Uh, and you see some kind of, you see a woman kind of running away from, she goes, Oh my God, it's excuse so scary. Who just lets their filthy animal run around on a leash like that? Geez.
00:16:56
Speaker
Oh, shit. That's all right. I go towards that noise. The the yelling, not the bad news. And you see you see a woman with ah with like mid length hair running out of the alley. ah She's she's looks very distraught as she's fleeing the scene.
00:17:14
Speaker
Hey, is there Ramses in there? Like, is that roll the noise? Is that? I don't know. There's just don't go back there. It's like a rabid dog, like there's big ones that like fight stuff. They're mean like a Rottweiler. Is that what they're called? I don't know. The ones that like to kill people. They're fine. All right. I go. I go back there. Are you go back there, um Kimmy? Do you want to give a full description of your character or is she just a Rottweiler?
00:17:42
Speaker
No, you're going to see this huge giant Rottweiler. This is just like at least three times the size that a Rottweiler would be. And this
Debating Ramsey's Owner and Chaos
00:17:53
Speaker
dog has like, you see the foam dripping from the sides as it's growling at a dumpster and charging at it and just headbutting it. There you go. that's ah easy see Oh, wow. That is a big dog. Uh, I call it the team and I'm, I, you know, I'm turn on my camera and I pointed at the dog. Like, hey guys, look, I found the, uh, found the dog, I guess. Oh, you just interrupted our, we were singing, Kent, don't stop me now by Queen. Uh, well, take a look at this. Look at the, look at the camera. Like, that's a huge dog, right? It's hard to tell on the camera.
00:18:33
Speaker
Yeah, it's like, you're too close. You gotta back up a little bit. You know when you take a picture of the moon? I can't, I'm in an alley. As far back as I can go. Well, my perspective here is, you know, when you look at the moon and, oh, it's so huge, you take a picture of it, oh, it's so tiny. That's not, it looks like a pretty normal size dog to me there, Jay. But that means it's pretty big.
00:18:53
Speaker
Yeah, that's oh no, I'm i'm ah this is ultra wide right now. Holy fuck. That's not ultra wide. Oh my. That's a huge dog. Holy fuck. Yeah. I mean, should I'm going to try to pet it. It seems nice. Yeah. Put your hand out first. Like, you know, not straight up, ah you know, with the knuckles forward so it sniffs non aggressive. I see nothing going wrong with this. Go ahead. All right. So Jay Lee's the camera on so there's witnesses to his death.
00:19:21
Speaker
ah And he takes the ah dog treats that he bought out of his pocket. but What kind of treats are they? What do they look like? They're straight up pig ears. They're like the best like primo, like S to your dog treats. Oh, pig ears. Nice pig ears, pig ears. You never heard of pig ears. Yeah, pig ears. Yeah, it's a brand. yearss and yearss It's It's great. Well, Jay doesn't look at brands like that, so he just bought whatever the fuck he could. All right. He takes one out of the bag.
00:19:52
Speaker
And he's staying low and looking very non-threatening. Okay. Is it a girl or a boy dog? Did he tell? Do you have like a big old dog or something? Yeah, it's a girl. Okay. Here girl, hit ah I got you some. I'm here. So Ramsey's going to stop and she's going to look at you and start growling.
00:20:19
Speaker
And then she's going to tilt her head to the side and slowly creep towards you. I'd crawl to it at me if I saw me, you know, I'm a, I'm a creep. So I understand that. And I crouched down even further and I'm, the dog is now over me, I guess. Cause it's a huge fucking dog. Uh, yeah, she's like on her, like she's doing that like dog crawl where they're on there. Like, you know, they've got their legs bent and they're walking like real slowly, trying to see what you're up about.
00:20:50
Speaker
And I'm gonna i'm gonna pick put the pig ear down on the ground and then back away from it. Guys, I think it's working. I think it's working. sni it And then you hear out of the dumpster, you hear like a rare, and then a cat takes off and starts running.
00:21:07
Speaker
he there um exactly And then she looks back she's like fuck get that thing That dog just say fuck it did I just heard it say fuck where did it go bark? I heard fuck that was a fuck hmm We're almost in town. We're going to come. She's just talking dog. You know what's funny is I almost in a previous episode, I was going to implement a mechanic with how many times the character said fuck, and I really wish I put it into this one because I was like nine of them in like four seconds. Like, fuck, can you use it next time? All right. Anyway, so, yeah, I just say like you yell fuck and then an RV, a very rusted looking RV rolls up.
00:21:56
Speaker
ah Jack Lazer and Everett pop out. um and Ramsey, it's Ramsey with a y with just a why or is there an S at end like the God? It's just with a why. Because Ramsey. OK, like Jeff Ramsey, Jeff Lazer, Ramsey. OK, so yeah, you see that. So what do you do, Ramsey? Before the RV even like stop, she's jumping out and running towards Ramsey.
00:22:28
Speaker
Oh, shit. What do you do, Ramsay? Ramsay's just going to sit up and like cock her head to the side and look. like You see her sniffing the air, like trying to get a feel for this person running towards her. Be like, hmm. And then what do you do? but What do you feel? Ramsay feels a good energy coming off of this person that's running towards her.
00:22:57
Speaker
And she's gonna start sniffing and like bumping her head against Everett. It's been like. And you're not talking? Not at the moment. Even though you just yelled fuck? Yeah. Let him think that he's crazy. Everett. Everett, give her a treat. Here, give her a treat. A treat? Oh, thanks. She gives, ah she takes the treat from Jay Proto and hands it to Ramsey.
Escalating Chaos in Town
00:23:29
Speaker
Ramsey's going to sniff it and then just shake her head. Shake your head. No, you don't want this. Just shakes her head. Hmm. She like reaches down in her satchel that she always carries and pulls out a like a milk bone biscuit. What about this one? Is this one better? Yeah. Hmm. Guys, she reaches back into her satchel and pulls out some beef jerky. How about this one?
00:23:56
Speaker
I'm not going to take that either, Everett. Yes. Oh, okay. It took it. Slim Jim does. I thought maybe it was a five guys. That was a good target standard. Yeah, me too. Jay reaches into his satchel and then pulls a, uh, pulls a cat out of his bag. Hey, what about this?
00:24:16
Speaker
ramsy she want for you well it's like yeah ah Well, goodbye, Mr. Whiskers.
00:24:25
Speaker
Goodbye, my friend. Thank you for everything. I am now for the hellhound.
00:24:35
Speaker
The Mr. Whiskers lands with a thud next to your mouth. Hey, now, hey, we're not we're not doing another dog conversation where we do everything to damn dog once and up to including the harm of other. Don't eat that damn cat. Oh, yeah.
00:24:52
Speaker
The cat presents its belly and says, no, it's okay. It's my time. I knew that this would be my fate. I think I missed her whiskers and put them back in my goddamn bag. Not to miss her whiskers. I appreciate you, Mr. Proto. Cut them off, Midsons. Yeah. Okay. All right. That joke's done. All right. Park? Park? Is it saying bark or park? Dude, I think it's saying park. Oh my God.
00:25:21
Speaker
I'm gonna call, I'm gonna call i want to call Blake back real quick. You're gonna call Blake? Yeah. Bink, blink, blink, blink, blink. Whatever Discord says. Uh, you call Blake and he jumps and he goes, what? Blake, I turned the phone so it looks at the dog. We found the dog. I turned back at myself. Uh, where the fuck's the owner? Ramsey's gonna start jumping and try and get the phone. Back a back off Ramsey, it's my phone.
00:25:44
Speaker
What, like, this dog's crazy. I don't know. You're just supposed to... Ramsey was the contact. Just find Ramsey. Let me know when you find them. Well, we did. Well, I assume... Wait. Well, where are they? Right here. I showed you. No, back off, Ramsey. God damn it. Ramsey's the dog? that's a That's a huge fucking dog. That's like an Australian pup right there. Yeah. Damn. Well, here's the thing. Um... You gotta find the owner. Right?
00:26:14
Speaker
So maybe Ramsey is named after Ramsey. So just go find, right? I don't know. All I knew was a contact. Did you get an email? what hell How'd you get a hold of this? I just got, I just got it. ah I can't tell you the the the client is anonymous. They just said it's a favor that I need to go help them find the dog. They paid me handsomely so I could pay you just got to find Ramsey. And I guess Ramsey, if the contact is Ramsey, I assume it's somebody else out there named Ramsey. Blake.
00:26:44
Speaker
You're not, you haven't been accepting more jobs over the crystal ball network, have you? Well, what's wrong with the crystal ball network? Everyone's so, they're all, it's all anonymity. You get, you get you get what we got here. Dog, Ramsey, that's it. There's nothing to go on. um um'm Okay, fine. We'll find this dog's house. Bye. Well, this says, this says that he don what that that the payment is $2 million dollars and you each get your own island. That's bullshit. What would we do with any of that?
00:27:12
Speaker
What would you do with $2 million in an island? Yeah, I would. I don't know if I want an island. I'll take it. That's a slippery slope to Jeffrey Epstein sort of stuff. Just because I have an island doesn't mean I want to do creepy stuff on it. I just want to get away from everybody else. People are going to assume these days you can't have an island and not be weird.
00:27:38
Speaker
Right. Put that on a bumper sticker. Yeah. All right. Well, hey, these lasers are going to inject themselves. I got to get out of here. Bye. Right. OK. Love you. Bye. He hangs up. a are you hung up on you Oh, fuck. Got shit. ah All right. well Well, Ramsey, you're running the show here. What do you do? You know, wherever you guys go, Ramsey is out on the street just ah to the side of the alleyway. And all you hear is people screaming.
00:28:07
Speaker
Well, you should never see a thousand ton dog before. Calm down, everybody. Calm down. Ramsey, get in the RV. Yeah, there's people on fire. Ramsey is just whacking people with a stick. Yeah. She's saying that they're beating people with sticks. Take it easy. Take it. I grab a hold of the stick. Take it easy, God. Calm it down. I look at the stick. Is it that easy? I mean, I've got a I've got a nerve. I think we got an understanding, don't we, Ramsey? Look at my eyes. Connect with me.
00:28:38
Speaker
Drive? We go drive? Yes, get in the RV. Okay, that that time it clearly said we go drive, right? did it i was I was kind of locked in the zone or did it actually? Everett, did you hear that?
00:28:53
Speaker
I mean, I heard, boff, boff, but that's, you know, whatever. No, I heard, I heard, we go drive. I feel like I responded to it. I said, yeah, but I thought maybe, you know, like when you're talking to your pet and it's like, you're like, yeah, you want to go here, buddy? Because you pretend you know what it's saying and it's probably excited for the thing you're doing. I'm pretty sure. No, I literally, I literally heard it. I mean, are you sure? Because like all I heard was like, whack, whack. I heard, whack, whack. I don't know.
00:29:19
Speaker
We'll figure out what did what does she fucking do to me? Oh, no oh yeah I forgot. I didn't I wasn't paying attention. Did um, is jay still a drow or is he a normal guy again? No, he's um he turned back to normal j. Okay. Good. Good. So he has a cock and balls tattoo in his cheek No, yeah, yep. Doesn't actually have a cock of all set. You know, she might just be, you know, from like a scar or something from his title. It's an actually an airplane, but like the the tattoo like Maxine steals not very good at drawing. May I get in there, get in the RV, um Ramsey? We'll take you to Starbucks and we'll get a doggy treat cone. one Those are the things I give you a little cup with cream in it. You want that? Trust.
00:30:04
Speaker
I trust a puppuccino puppet. Yeah, puppuccino. She said trust, you know, the concept of trusting. The hell is this dog? Every animal knows what he's talking about. Yeah, we talk. We talk right now. Yeah. Puppuccino, you want one? He's just literally talking. OK, all right. You guys are crazy. All right. Jay's going to go to the five guys next door. OK, Jay.
00:30:34
Speaker
um hundred I'm gonna get you like get like 20. What do you want Ramsey like a double cheeseburger? Yes bacon Yes, you know what the girl the topics the sides are for like the veggies and stuff are free girl onions No, no, no, just a no burger with cheese bacon ah like 20 of them 21 I want one too. I can't afford that Put it on Blake Dancer's thing. You guys just want so much money in your foot. What is that? We you on and yeah yeah yeah we just won like thousands of bucks at that thing. I can afford it. I can't afford it. You're right. I can afford it. Yeah. People there want to just, I'm just going to walk in there and be like 20 burgers. Do you think they're going to be really thrilled about that? No one will tell you 21 burgers today for your heart tomorrow.
00:31:21
Speaker
Is, is that, is that John guys owner of five guys? No, that's John, Jim, Jeff, Jay. No, it's the whole gay. Yes. It is. I Timothy guys. This is John guys. This is Baxter guys. That's Tina guys. And that's Beverly guys. All right. Well, 20 burgers. Stay at, let's go. Come on. ah but was wars And one for yourself. 21, 21 with your four total.
00:31:48
Speaker
Of course. And then you see within like a flash, they all like start making these burgers as quick as you could. Quick as a bunny. Oh, shit. and Tell them to hold the bombs. No bomb. You're right. No, take that C4 out. We don't actually need that. That's part of our recipe. No, it's no, it's not. Take it out. I know it's not. All of our cows are are bomb fed to be. OK, Jason, it's going back there and just whipping burgers together himself because he doesn't have time for the shit.
00:32:18
Speaker
Jay, when you go back there, you can see that there are burgers all over the walls and the floors that are like ah organized in the shape of pentagrams. As I expected, I mean, it's five guys. It's a pentagram. Penta is five. That makes. Yeah, it makes total sense. I don't really care. It's the five guys a gram.
00:32:42
Speaker
Ramsey being outside with Everett is gonna go trouble. Lost trouble. Lost trouble. What are you talking about? Hey, I thought we had something special. They were talking to me.
00:32:59
Speaker
Bad signs. Bad signs. Everett, she's talking to you. What do you say? What are you talking about? What bad signs? Bad things. Bad things.
00:33:11
Speaker
This idea they're going to hold the C4. It's good. It's good. Fine. Are you inside the five guys or are you outside the five guys, Jack? Because you can't be both. I see where I'm relaying. He's in the doorway. He's hanging out. I'm going to say they're outside. yeah know but i been four the day You know, five guys has the no pets policy, you know. Right. OK, let's get it. I just assume they're going to hold the bombs.
00:33:33
Speaker
We asked for it.
00:33:39
Speaker
Uh, all right. So, so what are you guys doing? So you're waiting for you. So J Frodo's in the back webing up burgers. Jack, you're just relaying whatever's going on in the hallway. Um, I feel like I need to drop a bomb on this episode. What's happening? We're getting there. We're getting there. it' forty minutes they We usually don't get anywhere until like 45. I was going to say, that seems to be the trend need help save in there.
00:34:08
Speaker
Everywhere. Everywhere? Yeah. Oh. oh what you Danger. what What are we in danger of though? Chaos.
Cryptic Advice and Supernatural Chaos
00:34:27
Speaker
Yeah. I know about chaos. Yeah. Cause more chaos. Fun. and Wait, we're... We're endangered from the chaos, but we want to cause more chaos because it's fun. Why don't you want to go home, dog? What's wait what's what's going on at home? No. you Did you call Blake? What does that mean? You get to live with me? Yeah, we we do chaos.
00:34:52
Speaker
ah I mean, I never, we're not getting another dog. Depends on what kind of chaos she's all looking at her like with that look to the side with a smirk to her face. so ever Nope. Nope. We just wasn't fooling with a dang other dog. Remember that other dog?
00:35:09
Speaker
We blew up a whole airport or some shit. And it was a leprechaun inside. I don't know what you're talking about. So does that mean that, like, what kind of chaos does that mean? We get to, like, tie people's shoes together and, like, put the ah saran wrap on toilet seats so people pee on themselves and then put, like, soap on mirrors so that, like, they can't see their reflection? That would be hilarious. Fight chaos with chaos. That's how we win.
00:35:37
Speaker
Okay, okay, I get you, I get you. Yeah. Mm-hmm. More chaos. That's how we win. So what do we gotta do? What do we got, what do we gotta do? We do whatever. We gotta to eat first. yeah We can fight. We can, we can knock people over. We can pull pranks. But you fight chaos with chaos. I like what you're saying.
00:36:07
Speaker
Okay, when do we get started? like
00:36:12
Speaker
He's a burger dog. Everett, you too. You made me a burger? Well, I mean, actually, yeah, I did think I, I think I did to make that one specifically. So here you go. who Thank you. I kept trying to put bombs in it and I made sure there's no bombs in yours Everett. Jay, I kind of know about yours. Yeah, it's a little chewy. Might be. the first I appreciate that sir.
00:36:35
Speaker
I unwrap a burger and just like throw it up in the air at Ramsey. Ramsey's going to jump and catch it and just chow down. Thanks. This is a cool dog. Yeah, a cool dog. Good dog. Cool dog. So what's the second there about chaos? Like I was just i heard kept hearing chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos, space Marines or something. yeah payat Chaos of worlds. Yeah. World's going to end.
00:37:06
Speaker
Fight it. This is. All right. When you get, we need to find this owner. Yeah. No owner. No owner. Okay. Uh, did you check for a microchip or anything Everett? There's no caller. She chipped. She said that she has no owner. So like it's mine now. Oh, okay. Well, Oh, well they call Blake. We found the owner.
00:37:36
Speaker
um okay Yeah. Go cause chaos. yeah causing violence Yes. Yes. You want to save? They were talking about. You want to save? Making people pee on it or something. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.
00:37:55
Speaker
We're gonna like go beat some dudes in heads in like, you know, like the with the heads together and they go knock and then like, you know, just cause chaos all over the place to save the world with chaos. Let's just beat them up. Ramsay wants to go sit on the edge of the curb and she wants to look for people walking by.
00:38:16
Speaker
Oh, there's plenty. There's like two people. Yeah. So can I use magic to pick up a trash can and throw it at someone? Make it look like a can for someone else? Yeah, of course. Yeah, do that. I think that happened. And Roll20 keeps making all my fucking spoons. Eight. A big old eight. That's more than plenty to throw a trash can. So where are you throwing this trash can to where? I want to throw it Basically, I want to make it look like one person threw the trash can at another so they start fighting. OK, yeah, there's like what's funny enough is it's a couple. It's just a guy and a gal. They're walking down the street. and One gets hit with a trash can. And the guy's like, are you fucking serious right now, Jill? For real? Like, are you serious? And she's like, what are you talking about? You fucking have a trash can. And before you know it, they just start like fighting. And Jill's like a mixed martial artist. So she's just beating the shit out of this dude now.
00:39:15
Speaker
um Oh, just straight up just whooping his ass. um Jay's going to run over and try to break up the fight. Yes, like this dude's nose is already broken in. He's missing a couple of teeth. It's like four heads all scratched open and busted. She's like, and that's for not telling me my green shoes were cool.
00:39:36
Speaker
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, lee hey, hey, hey, hey. What? And then she tries to kick you in the head. ah Jay gets kicked in the head. You get kicked in the head for too hard. She kicks you in the head. All right. Jay is dying. I'm just kidding. Ramsay looks down another side of the sidewalk and she is going to try and summon a bunch of like flies that make them hover over someone. So the dude's like swinging and hit somebody else.
00:40:08
Speaker
Uh, yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna, that's not even really something I think you need to roll for. I think it's just something that you can do. So you just summon just like a fucking swarm of flies. They're just like going crazy, like bothering everybody and like people are just swinging around and he goes, bro, what are you doing? And he's like, bro, I'm doing. And then I start fighting over there too. Um, Doug, what the hell are you doing, Doug? Yeah, chaos. Chaos. Yeah, I got that. What are we, what, ah yeah what chaos are we fighting with your KO? What is happening? What is happening?
00:40:35
Speaker
You fight chaos with chaos. Yeah, got I got that part. Who's who are we who are we fighting other than just random jackasses on the street? Chaos. Chaos. I mean, duh, obviously it's chaos. What's the end of the world? Don't you know? Where are they? We'll go shoot them in the head. No, you can't do that because he is like a god and he's not going to be able to die. Don't you know that? Don't you read? Where are you pulling this from, ever? Do you just start just as chaos and you say, oh, this what is happening? What?
00:41:02
Speaker
This, what do you got it? We killed it.
Community Disruption and Chaotic Actions
00:41:05
Speaker
OK, we didn't do it. But like, you know, the guy I trained to literally kill the God with a grenade launcher or something. So like, yeah, that happened. signature dog But you're not going to be able to kill this God with just a ah God like chaos. You know what God it is. It's chaos. God is chaos of God.
00:41:26
Speaker
Right. Well, I know a little bit of Warhammer lore and if you just don't believe in the chaos gods and they don't, they don't do shit. So it's that easy. Fight like chaos with chaos. Yeah. i'll go yeah don't she Well, there's only someone, there's only one person causing chaos around here. Yeah.
00:41:45
Speaker
yeah how She pulls out her phone and um pulls up Ask Jesse and then asks for or like orders a slingshot with unlimited paintballs that can be shot out of her slingshot and um see and materializes it from Ask Jesse. Sure. Yeah. He just gives you a slingshot. He just shoots it out of your phone.
00:42:13
Speaker
Mm hmm. And the world save. You have to say you start pelting people with people, of people, so of people. Oh, what the fuck, dude? Yeah, you you see, you see somebody, ah somebody steps out of a of a local tavern, of a local bar, and he says, God damn it, who's out here fucking putting paint all over my city?
00:42:41
Speaker
You gotta do it, Sheriff, it's fine! I'm gonna fuckin'... Hang on a second. He walks back in, brings out like this really big-ass mocha latte, piping hot, pops the lid off, pounds it back. Blah, blah, blah. God damn it, now I'm in the mood to fuckin' kill somebody. um And he pulls out, he pulls out a couple of six-shooters. He says, I'm gonna tell you one more time, put your fuckin' slingshot away.
00:43:11
Speaker
Jeff, I'm pretty sure that's, um... Is that him? An overuse of force? Not in my city there, big guy. That's kind of fucked up. You know what's fucked up? Shooting people unprompted with a goddamn paintball. That is true. What's with these fucking flies? God damn it, I already cleaned out the stalls.
00:43:34
Speaker
Everett quickly jumps onto Ramsey's back and takes off like it goes, hi, Josefa away. Ramsey's just going to take off. and up And Ramsey is going to knock into every person that she can. And you hear a weird sound effect of bowling balls knocking over pins when she does it.
00:43:55
Speaker
Jack, what do you eat? This is gettin' kinda fucked up. You wanna just dip? Like, honestly? Kinda, but, um, Sheriff. Hey, Sheriff. The fuck you want? I just walked over to him. Uh, anybody new in town lately, do anything weird? Yeah, you assholes. Before us. You assholes, particularly. Nobody else, huh? No. Except we have a no pet policy here in doodad, and there's a big ol' fuckin' dog runnin' around, I guess.
00:44:28
Speaker
Yeah. All right, Will. Keep up the good work there, Ace. It's Jeff, but thank you. Swear later. Right. I walk back over to Jay. Yeah, I don't really know what to make of this, Jay. Yeah, I'm sort of just like, I don't know, I just kind of want to see how this one plays out. Like, it doesn't seem that serious. As you say that, a fissure opens up in the ground in like three buildings of the city, like just like fall into it.
00:44:55
Speaker
Come on, man. it's Come on, Jack. ah funny
00:45:01
Speaker
I thought we could just sit this one out for once, man. ah i'm gonna I'm going use inspired guesswork and I'm going to try to investigate a mystery.
00:45:14
Speaker
OK, what's inspired guesswork do again? That's where I can basically kind of fudge the thing. But if I don't really know, I mean, um so I really I want to find I want to so I want to find out ah what is the fucking questions. Fuck, where is not going to tell me what one my guesswork was for a mystery when you observe a monster in action, you may investigate a mystery to discover its powers, motivations or weakness. It works even if what you asked wasn't asked about wasn't displayed. You work it out by deduction or by guessing.
00:45:45
Speaker
That's what I was asking about. Yeah, I was just trying to think of what I was trying to do with it. But yeah, that's yeah take with that what you will. I want to try and figure out what I can just by what I know already and what I've seen and, you know, my gut, what my guts telling me. and Well, i you know what kind of like.
00:46:01
Speaker
I'll just give you this one for free. um So you the matrix, the matrices start to form themselves in your brain. You start to kind of tie all the knots together that, you know, like ah like the Charlie Day little like pinball yarn ball that he does. um And five guys, pentagrams, chaos, God, dog apocalypse. Essentially, what you can deduce from all that is that this dog Uh, is trying to warn you about the apocalypse and that is now happening. And, uh, you know, she has something to do with it and five guys has something to do with it. yeah I per one arrived guys from your belly we're going to use and want to use my new skill called me too.
00:46:48
Speaker
Okay. To make the same role as Jack Lazer and do the same work. I love that move. That move is so good. it It's one of my favorite things. It's like a sidekick move, I think, isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's so funny. It's one of my favorite fucking moves where he's like, oh, I can do it too. Okay. Yeah. So you get a 10 just like you did on investigative mystery. And I assume I learned the same shit. I figure out the same shit and I'm like, yeah, the apocalypse is happening.
00:47:18
Speaker
Yeah. And you also learn because you're a little bit more ah in tune with the popular events because of your training under Jimmy Chang. Oh, it is that. Yeah, he's probably told you enough of like what what happened, like in a low key way. um You know, he was one of the people that, you know, helped save the world. So um he he probably shared with you kind of like his experience with with kind of ah fighting a pep and everything.
00:47:45
Speaker
And um there are chaos gods. ah some The thing that you know is that some gods are warded off by chaos, and some gods are invited by chaos. And you have to figure out what the right step is to prevent the apocalypse. Well, it seems like as soon as the chaos started, the apocalypse happened, so, or started, right? So, yeah. Yeah.
00:48:13
Speaker
Let's go see what's going on in the back of that five guys. no Yeah, let's go check out that five guys. I'm still hungry. All right. okay I get some of those peanuts that they give for free. Yeah. so I pushed the door open to the five guys and I got to go through the second one because it's always like that little like airlock door they have there. I pushed the second door open ahhah and I scoop a big handful of peanuts.
00:48:36
Speaker
And as you're walking up and you s scoop a handful of peanuts, you see behind the ah counter, like there's a ah bigger pentagram of burgers and you see that there are several ah human beings like laying atop the the fryers that they're cooking right now to make more burgers. um'm I'm chilling a peanut and I say, Jay, I thought I spelled long pig. We walked in here. She's nice. So what? Long pig.
00:49:04
Speaker
Well, that's what you call human meat. why Oh, OK. Jay immediately just right. So it up roll for throwing up. a I mean, if you're cool. All right. Yeah. can you imagine This is your first your first time seeing people getting cooked, Jake. Yeah, he said like dry heave. He's nothing's quite coming up just yet. He's he goes for not trying to puke too quickly, realizing he needs to puke. Mm hmm. So he's really dry heave a bit and eventually like some liquid starts to come out and he goes, hey, save some of that for the special sauce.
00:49:40
Speaker
Who said that? Jack, that's cool. We ate people, man. Joe Guy. Joe Guys is the one who said it behind the counter. Jack, we're eating people. Hold on, Joe Guys. We're eating people. You said you said you made the burgers yourself. you know they weren't They just had meat. They just had meat out. I don't know who's human. Well, you know, I mean, now you've got the hunger, Jay, so let's sell the rest to it. No, no. And Jay kills himself for real this time.
00:50:05
Speaker
but no Yeah, you go to you go to shoot yourself and the bullet just bounces off your head like it's rubber and lands on the ground. No, I'm already a monster of the week. Shit. yeah You see, you see, you see ah ah John guys, he has like a hand up out towards you and just like a purple aura surrounds you, preventing you from like any sort of harmony goes. No, my child, I feel like you would do just well. I think you will be well enough.
00:50:33
Speaker
Come this way. Now, Jay, uh, points the gun away from his own head and points it at this dude's heads and it had an immediate heads plural. Oh, he does have two heads. He knows the trigger. He pulls the trigger and just doesn't ask questions. He knows, uh, this is another fucker who needs to die. but kind fire ah Both of them, the shotgun that he got from whatever the fuck Maxine and, um, his clock that he, but that he picked up on the way out here.
00:51:02
Speaker
All right. So you fire your like six barreled shotgun or your five barreled shotgun, I think is what we said it was. Yes. And then he mag dumps a student that point. All right. You just you unload everything and he just falls into the ground and a bunch of like burger meat like falls out of his neck um onto the ground. And then you see like the other the other members of the guy's family reaches down quickly and starts scooping it up and start putting it on the fryer and start cooking with it. Jack.
00:51:31
Speaker
Can you give me a hand here? I'm just eating my peanuts. I'm like slowly stopping eating my peanuts as I watch them put the meat from the head onto the fryers. What do you do, Jack? Come on, Jack. What do you do? They have their boxes outside of five guys where you line up all the potatoes and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Or the sacks or whatever. Do they have their C4 displayed similarly?
00:51:56
Speaker
Um, sure. I'd say they probably do. Um, I'm going to grab a box of the C four. I don't know if I'll buy a C four. I know how it works. C five. Oh, it's great. C five. I know. C five works, Jay. It just has the heat source. It's been buffed and you get five. It needs a heat source. There's, there's, there's five KG in here of it or something. I don't know. It's five KGs in here. So I start, I start ripping open to like the, the, the tape on the top. Um,
00:52:21
Speaker
um And i I jump on top of the counter, and I say, get ready to run, Jay. I just shake the box out towards the fryers, where all the five guys' families are standing. And I'll see five rolls out of it. And I jump back and start running. i start Actually, I start walking. I slowly unshield another peanut as I walk away from the soon-to-be explosion.
00:52:42
Speaker
Okay. Uh, Jay sprints out the door. It does like a hell diver's ass dive. Oh yeah. to Get the fuck away. Um, he gets a little scrape on his, on his elbows. Uh, oh, just a little alley. Ninja turtles bandaid leader, but and then he intentionally looks at the explosion and it does a Jack laser roll, kick some ass on C five.
00:53:08
Speaker
Oh, OK. Bingo. It's C5 guys, burgers and fries. Well, that means I do um a bonus effect. Oh, what's your bonus effect? Boner effect. I want to flick double the harm or I want to suffer no harm at all. I want to suffer no harm at all.
00:53:26
Speaker
As the the ah the the explosion makes my hair go sissy forward and and you're like impervious to the blast and it protects J. Proto from like any additional harm is like the heat from the blast comes out because it just you just absorb it. You tank it standing behind my silhouette. Yeah. All right. So, yeah, you blow up the five guys. Good job.
00:53:47
Speaker
um And so while you're doing that, let's go over to ah Ramsey and Everett. Everett is currently riding Ramsey through town with a slingshot and other stuff. ah What are you guys doing? Yeah, so Ramsey is looking for where she can cause the most trouble and she takes off spotting a barn and she goes running through and spooking all the horses to make them run and stampede down the street.
00:54:12
Speaker
Oh, man, or ah you do that because they're like, oh, fuck, that's a giant dog. And I'll start running down the street. ah And you see you see ah a woman with a nice blue dress and a pearl necklace and like curly yellow hair blonde hair comes out. She goes, my word, I cannot believe the horses are running like this. Poor things must be spooked by all the apocalypse I go in on.
00:54:39
Speaker
um And yeah, all the horses go and they just trample like 15 people down the down the road as, you know, they're just people tossing footballs and Frisbees in the street. Everett, what do you do? She's holding on for dear life. You're holding on for dear life and you roll for holding on for dear life. Oh, cool. For holding on for dear life.
00:55:03
Speaker
Roll it hard, roll it fast. 14 for cool. ah You're holding on so cool. You're like, you're like on one of those mechanical bulls. Like just one hand in it. Like as like, as Ramsey's jumping around, doing all of her crazy goofy shit. She's all nine while
Transformation and Apocalypse Connection
00:55:16
Speaker
she's like still shooting people with slingshot paintballs.
00:55:20
Speaker
You're still I mean, you must be gripping it real hard with your thighs as you start slingshot. people um And ah yeah, and and ah as you do that, you can see like these ah devil horns that are like real big looking. I almost say they're devil horns exactly, but they look very devil horns. As I start to form like on the walls, I can he's like burnt engravings.
00:55:43
Speaker
of just like massive horns, like really wide horns on the walls. ah The more you spray hit people, the more the horses start running, trampling people, the more horns start to form on the walls. Is this supposed to happen? Yes. Yes. Chaos. Chaos is fun. Like um this is beating it, right? Yeah. but Fight chaos with chaos. This is how you win.
00:56:10
Speaker
Okay, just making sure we're doing the right thing. Okay, so what do we do? want And what do we want to do next? Do we want to go sit dumpsters on fire? Yes, fire. I love fire. I love fire. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, it's right. I'm just gonna run out of the barn. We're gonna go find like every dumpster and trash can.
00:56:29
Speaker
OK, if you find all of them, they're all in one place. Hold.
00:56:36
Speaker
Yeah, you got you guys are just in time for the local. player Yes, the local dumpster trash can stack an event. And you see that there are people with forklifts and like people with their trash cans, like big, beefy people stacking trash cans, trying to stack their cans faster than the forklifts can stack the the dumpsters. and So that's where they're all at right now. Yeah, we did dumpster stack an event.
00:56:58
Speaker
It's like I should figure it's like Burning Man, you know? Yeah, it's like that. Burning Man of dumpster stacking. Yeah, so they're just they're just stacking trash. um And you see someone goes, who else wants to come and try to stack against the queen of dumpsters?
00:57:19
Speaker
Also, the winner gets a free pot of goulash. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Are you talking to me, buddy? That sounds like so much fun. You want to come stack trash cans? It's the latest craze. Everyone's doing it. Yeah, and goulash sounds amazing. Oh, my goulash is to die for.
00:57:46
Speaker
so for Wink. He's going to do it. Are you going to try to sta some stack some cans or are you going to light them on fire? yep No, I'm going to stack them and then light them on fire. Well, actually, no, I'm going to light them on fire and then stack them. Oh, fucking baller. Oh, shit. Oh, we have a team of lady and dog coming to attend the event. um Yeah. All right. And then you see this real beefy dwarven chick wearing like a onesie get up, walks out and she's cracking her knuckles and she unstacks. ah She unstacks all of the all of the dumpsters. She goes, right. Let's fucking get it in.
00:58:26
Speaker
um and ah the And the person is like, OK, ready, set, go, my lovelies. And you see the little dwarven bearded woman's like, fuck, here we go. And she's like doing front flips, like grabbing the dumpsters with both her hands, doing a flip and stacking it. She's like a goddamn machine. like Holy shit, they should wrestle her. I am on the weekends.
00:58:55
Speaker
As much as you change all about it.
00:59:00
Speaker
Ramsey's going to get down and then she's going to take off and smash herself right into the bottom middle of the trash cans where they're sacked. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Roll, kick some ass against the dumpsters. Oh, it gets the trash cans or the dumpsters whenever she's stacking on top of. ah She's she's this dwarven woman is stacking dumpsters ever to stack the trash cans.
00:59:24
Speaker
I'm going forever for the Dwarven Womans. Okay. Roll kicks and ass against them. That's a seven. You charge up against them and you light them on fire and they slowly start to like trail upward. She goes, right. That's not supposed to happen to the end, but all right. It's a metaphor for our society. I suppose.
00:59:42
Speaker
Um, and, uh, so the flames are starting to like crawl up and like the flames were catching on the local buildings and just like setting them ablaze very quickly. The woman up top though seems unbothered at all by all of this, but everybody else is like starting to panic a bit. Um, uh, Everett, roll for stacking garbage cans. Uh, we'll call that, let's call that just, let's, sure, let's call it sharp. See if you can do it quickly and efficiently and effectively and all those other.
01:00:10
Speaker
Well, then weirdly, like efforts fighting like this, the stamina to to like climb these trash cans and stack them as quickly as this strange dwarven woman is crazily stacking dumpsters. it's something It's a site to behold. um And anytime somebody pulls out a camera phone to record it, it explodes in their hand and they die. um There's bodies shown everywhere um as this miraculous. I tell you. Huh?
01:00:40
Speaker
It was the bloodbath, I tell you. Oh, it was and she's like,
01:00:54
Speaker
um And so, yeah, so the garbage cans are on fire, the dumpsters are on fire as you guys are doing your stacks. um And then you see more devil horns. You see the dwarven woman, her head starts to form giant, like fucking bull looking horns on her head as she's like stacking these dumpsters higher and higher above the the the building, the roofs of the buildings. um You can see ah that all of the yeah The people around you that died from their phones exploding are now growing horns from their heads and they're like kind of reanimating standing back up with like some of their features kind of all like kind of darkened and emblazoned with like a symbol of looks kind of like a like a brand of some sort on their face.
01:01:41
Speaker
Are you still stacking trash cans on their face? Oh, yeah. Brand, you know, like they brand horses and cows or whatever with. OK, OK, OK. Yeah. OK. Just making sure I know. You know, it's it's a brand. No, no, it's a you know, it's just like a brand. They're wearing like a ballcat that says Pepsi on it. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't sure I wanted to make sure. Yeah. When I think chaos, I think Pepsi. Yeah. Yeah. It's just this is this is yokiero taco hell on it.
01:02:09
Speaker
shook Yeah, like ah like ah like a like a I forget what they call those like a like a flame brand or whatever. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you were doing all five guys, so I had to like clarify. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The brand says F.G. on it. OK. Yeah. With devil with with with like bull horns coming out of the top of it. um Hell yeah.
01:02:37
Speaker
Yeah, so you're stacking trash cans, lighting them on fire, keeping pace with this dwarven woman. People are dying and reanimating all around you. ah So while we do that, let's cut back to Jack Lazer and Jay Proto. You guys have just blown up a five guys building. ah What do you what are you what are you doing now, fellas? Holy shit, that was awesome. Yeah, it still smells pretty good, too. Those are people, Jack.
01:03:05
Speaker
People! I look back, watch what it looks like. You look back, to what, into the building? Yeah. ah Well, it's exploded. A lot of a lot of Debra's everywhere. There is no building. You can see, yeah, there's not really much of a building left, but you can see, strangely enough, you've taken out like like all of the buildings around it. So you've destroyed several other businesses and you can see like a bunch of burger meat, like starting to like just like wriggle around like on the ground. It's like burnt burger meat, just like wiggling and moving.
01:03:38
Speaker
Uh, like trying to look like it's crawling towards like what's left of the people that were in there. Uh, I don't like that. Don't like that, Jay. Yeah. I don't like that either. ah Maybe that dog. i I don't know, man. I don't want to kill a dog. Jay, we have to kill that dog. I know, but like we to it's clearly the dog, man. I don't, we gotta, we gotta call Everett. I'm going to try to call Everett. Okay. All right. you You call Everett.
01:04:07
Speaker
Does she answer? Everett, do you answer? Oh, you you actually were calling me. Okay, I was just making sure I heard that correctly. Yeah. um Yeah, she answers. Yeah, what's up? Hey, Everett, it's me, Jay. So ah yeah, ah we just blew up the five guys in town. Okay. um Okay. Why did you do that? Well, they were like cooking people in there.
01:04:35
Speaker
oh Yeah, that doesn't sound very good. So that burger that yeah you ate ah might have been. Yeah, so anyways. Mia, excuse and me while I bath for a minute. Yeah, I did that too. and ah Then there was some like magic shit going on. Anyway, so we decided it was best to just blow it the fuck up. Anyways, so that dog, right?
01:05:01
Speaker
hu It keeps trying to cause chaos. um And it just seems like the more chaos there is, like shit's getting shit's getting worse, right? No, we were saving the world. Well, i yeah I don't want to, so you know, i I don't want to tell you what you're doing. You know, I don't want to imply, I don't want to like, I mean, just look, right? Just like look for a second and like, there's some bad shit, like shit's getting worse by the second, right?
01:05:31
Speaker
I mean, yeah, but that's just because like, you know, like chaos is a god and he's really bad. And if you fight him with chaos and you'll win. Right. But like all this shit started with the chaos. Like, you know, everything was cool until we showed up and then started i like making people fight and like all that shit. Right. Like so it seems like the dog might be lying to you or like manipulating you or something.
01:06:01
Speaker
No, it's the bestest dog in the whole world. aren't you I know it's ah She just I don't I just think that we where are you at right now? We gotta come find you Um, well, I'm like in a competition right now. Like I'm trying to like stack trash cans against this one person and you're like, actually like making me lose at the moment. So like, if you could hurry up and tell me and get to the point, like what you're trying to get to, like I'm a huge fucking smoke stack over there.
01:06:33
Speaker
Yeah, like is that most interesting? Oh my God. When that, when I think, um, Jay, call your, call your, that lady always call and ask her questions. Ask her how you kill like a chaos dog. Oh, you mean Jane? That's okay. Yeah,
Kidnapping and Chaotic Revelations
01:06:49
Speaker
sure. Yeah. but yeah Whatever. I'm going to phone up Jane. Jane administrator. Is that Jane secretary what means secretary? Yeah. Um,
01:06:59
Speaker
Yeah, what's up, Jay? long Why have you haven't you been answering your phone? Well, I got kidnapped and no one seemed to give a shit. So that's that. I'll talk about that later, I guess, if anybody cares. But ah Jimmy Chang was just he was getting ready to hire a new apprentice.
01:07:15
Speaker
But he's, I'm already like, grant whatever. All right. Hey, so we're here and they're we're in this town called like Dumam or something, like in Montana. ah huh ah And there's like a, there's like a six foot tall dog or something here and it can speak. yeah And it's trying to cause, it's trying to cause a bunch of chaos in order to quote, avert the apocalypse and stop a chaos guide or something. Well, that can happen.
01:07:44
Speaker
But it seems like the more chaos we're causing, i you know it's this just making shit worse, right? Yeah, so well yeah follow that follow that tape right there, Jay. I think you're on the right track. I think there are gods that are warded off by chaos, and thus there are gods that are welcomed by chaos. So they could be telling you the truth in that.
01:08:09
Speaker
You know, other gods aren't allowed to come here if there's too much chaos. But at the same time, they're probably inviting a different one that maybe we don't want to show up here either. So, yeah, that's probably correct. All right. I'll call a vet or something and we'll get the dog put down, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. If you can summon Bob Barker, um that might be able to help. From the dead?
01:08:33
Speaker
Yeah, if you can somehow bring him back to life, he's all about spay and neutering pets. So maybe if you don't have been born, Jane, it's already. Yeah. Jane, normally you have really good ideas and very knowledgeable. But I think dog is saying if you spay this dog, it can't make more chaos.
01:08:51
Speaker
Oh, it's like a symbolic spaying. So let's just put it down. I don't know. I got it. know I didn't say put it down. I didn't say that. But I mean, like if I don't do what you think is best. But I mean, at this point, you know, just ah you have to make the chaos stop because otherwise whatever it is. um Also, yeah, a bunch of people here have ah horns on their head. Is that part of what's going on over there? Yeah, that just started as soon as all the chaos started.
01:09:18
Speaker
Yeah, so maybe just have them stop whatever they're doing. Maybe maybe give them a different activity to do. That's not chaotic, but I don't know how to do that. You you guys train me to just be a fucking killing machine. I mean, you can kill it, but I mean, that's that's only going to wreck more chaos at this point. You know, you have to really. Yeah, dog is like blowing. She's like she's like casting spells out here and like making people fight it and like.
01:09:45
Speaker
It's causing a ruckus.
Managing Chaos Creatively
01:09:47
Speaker
Well, I'm watching the drone footage and I can see that ah Everett is participating in the chaos and that you guys just blew up a five guys. Well, we had to. There was a bunch of chaos happening in the five guys. And you don't think blowing up a building is more chaos, Jay? It's not maybe significantly less because there are serving people in there. We thought they were bad um chaos people. I mean, they are bad chaos people, that's for sure.
01:10:10
Speaker
Anyways, look, we just got to the, I don't even know what's going on here, but we just got to this thing where they're stuck and burning trash cans are slinging top each other and everybody's growing fucking horns. ah I'll talk to you later, Jane. Yeah. Just give them something else to do. Like, okay. Well, seriously. Everyone has the mind of a child. That's it. Who wants to color in a coloring book?
01:10:33
Speaker
ah
01:10:37
Speaker
Hold on, I'm gonna run to this dollar store real quick. I'll be right back, Jay. No, don't win there. There's no time I go to the dollar store. Which on a normal occasion is a fucked up place to go to. You go into a dollar store and you can see that there are people that look like anthropomorphic cows that are like behind the counter and shopping and stuff like that. A normal day at the dollar store. All right. Here's the coloring books. um I'm going to get um I'm going to get colder, too. Let's get them Milo and in Scritch Coloring Book. Can't think of anything else. Going to get some other ones, too. b Blarney, the ah yellow.
01:11:11
Speaker
Uh, triceratops dragon. Oh, there's the electricity. Oh, fuck. We're having a sale on greeny. The Australian dogs, uh, calling books. Oh, that dog will love that. Oh yeah. Let me get that. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. It's like five of these. Um, do you have any like obnoxiously large, like crayons or like pencils and shit? Oh, over there. Thanks. Uh, I grabbed them.
01:11:36
Speaker
Okay. You get a bunch of crayons and giant obnoxious coloring or arab but obnoxious crayons and some, uh, one, one Sharpie, please. Um, that'll be $8. Fuck. Are you kidding me? That's what I bought. Oh, I bought eight things. Actually, that's eight. well This is the best dollar store in the world. Holy shit. Here you go. You've got my business for life, sir. Cool.
01:12:04
Speaker
Just don't do that ever. Okay, bye, I'm leaving. As I run out, I pop a Sharpie lid off, I just throw it off to the side. I'm on all the coloring books. All right, Chaos, above where it says Coloring Book. It says like lighted a i cold or two Chaos Chaos And I'm like, look guys, I found Chaos Coloring Books. It's a really cool way to cause chaos, but not drive your dad's crazy, okay? Dear.
01:12:31
Speaker
I got you this one about a dog from Australia. What's your name? Ramsey? The dog? Ramsey. My dog's name is Ramsey. I paid eight bucks. So here you go. You can put you could color it colder or Milo in Scratch.
01:12:51
Speaker
You got me a coloring book, a crayon. Yes, let's all just kind of sit quietly for a second and just cause some color chaos in this coloring book instead of ah killing people. Ramsey, do you take a color? here and Also, Ramsey's going to take a crayon and start coloring the sidewalk. I was going to use me to play someone. but No, no. In the coloring book, please. We can find chaos it would a little bit. Come on, dog.
01:13:23
Speaker
I'm gonna use manipulate somebody. Okay, go ahead. I got a 10 Super success, but I got a 10. Well, that is up to the recipient of the manipulate. Ramsey will start coloring in the coloring book. Hell yeah. As best as she can. Good. All right. So you convinced her to do that. That's an experience point for Ramsey for honoring the manipulation.
01:13:50
Speaker
OK, so.
Retreat of Chaos and Emotional Resolution
01:13:52
Speaker
Wow. ah as And just as you were like doing that, like, Jay, if you look up in the sky, you could see like a giant like bull face like kind of like starting to hit like like a like all the clouds form to create the outline of like a giant kind of minotaur looking body and you can see like the face was starting to like headbutt over the atmosphere trying to like crack through to your reality as as the chaos stopped Now as the rate right before the chaos stop, you can see that like this was forming up in the sky and then they started headbutting like starting to crack the realms of your your reality. Okay. But then as the dog starts to color a bit, you can see like the figure up in the sky stops headbutting the walls of your universe for a second.
01:14:39
Speaker
Okay. And Jay, uh, sees that and he lowers his double barrel shotgun and, uh, or six barreled. Uh, and you know, he, drew he wipes the tears from his eyes cause he was afraid he was going to have to put Ramsey down and, uh, and Everett snapped out of it. Oh yeah. ever Did you also get manipulated?
01:15:03
Speaker
Oh yeah, she instantly got that crayon. You could take an XB point as well. Did she need to be? Yeah, she instantly started coloring. I think it's fair, too. Danny, what were you saying that you want to do, Jay, when you put your gun down? No, I want to put my gun down and stop crying and be a man. Stop crying and be a man? It's a little bit like what you used to do is cry, Jay. Be open with your feelings.
01:15:26
Speaker
Yeah, did you see that bowl up there that I was trying to break through to our reality? Holy shit. um Hey, don't look up there. it's No, don't look up. so It stopped. It stopped. It's going away now. Listen. Hey, guys, i went while you're calm and you're coloring and you're happy, ah we want you to know that we we we found out while you were doing this, we found out who the bad chaos bakers were, and we blew them to fuck, okay? We blew them to smithereens, those motherfuckers.
01:15:49
Speaker
but but But now you see your chaos is going too far. There's a giant bull demon coming in from the sky and he's going away now that you're being calm and coloring. So I think I think we've done it. I think we've done it, um you guys. What do you think? That's a friend. He might want to color, too. I know. No, that does not look like a friend. That looks like a giant thing that would crush the planet. Friend shaped. No, sometimes we think that, but they people, j let's.
01:16:21
Speaker
Yeah, Jay Jay Jay starts raising his gun up and crying again. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me co-parent. God damn it. We go fair. I'm trying. Listen, we've burst a monster here. and Listen, um, Ramsey, we, it's all good now. We were your chaos worked and, um,
01:16:44
Speaker
As I said, we blew up the five guys. And if we need to, we can, we can do an investment. We can do a full expose on five guys down the road here. But I think today we've, we've all succeeded in what we were trying to do. Um, pretty sure at least. Right. Jay, we did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We did. I mean, look, we're still here. Um, are the horns going away? Um, I asked God, are the horns going away? You see the, the devil, uh, the, the, the bull up in the sky.
01:17:14
Speaker
starts to back away a little bit. And as you see that some of the horns from the from the walls start to dissipate. I think he's trying to charge. Yeah, he pulls out he pulls out an invoice and throws it to you. Oh,
01:17:34
Speaker
all my money. Yeah. um No, he doesn't look like he's charging. He looks like he's backing away because like he doesn't feel like well, I don't want to tell you how he feels, but like you could probably infer that the invitation looks less tempting because there's less chaos going on. OK, cool. ah Sweet. That's that's what I wanted to hear.
01:17:56
Speaker
Um, yeah, I just got a bill on your jacket. Yeah,
Strategies for Maintaining Calm
01:18:00
Speaker
I, I'm sure, uh, I just don't know what to do, Jack. Like, uh, as soon as we start, as soon as they finished with that book, they're going to go right back to like fucking hooting and hollering and causing all kinds of a ruckus. but I'm hoping that we could talk them down here. I can only spend, like this I can only buy so many coloring books, uh, before and shit goes off. through But anyway, yeah. Um, dog, if you just please tell me, you're just going to just accept and understand that that it's it's good. We, we did it.
01:18:26
Speaker
You succeeded in stopping whatever it was. yeah Gave you the idea that there was something bad going on. You were right. We fixed it. And it's OK now. Sprams, he's going to hold up her coloring book in her mouth. I drew a picture. I want a picture. It's good. Yep. And you so helped and it saved the day. Right, Doug? You see your picture saved the day. Right, Doug? Everett, Everett, are you still coloring, too?
01:18:58
Speaker
Cass, Cass, Cass, Cass, Cass. She's so coloring. into She's so zoned in the coloring. I literally have been talking this whole time. I'm going to say, do I have to reteach you guys how to use Zencaster? No. We're really pretty. So you're still coloring, as you say. Is there anything? OK, so you said you've been talking this whole time. What would you like to say that we haven't been hearing?
01:19:25
Speaker
Oh, I was just like cats making little remarks that don't matter. It's fine. Whatever. Yeah, man, I really got to having to wrangle all the cats and dogs today. No, I totally thought I wasn't even like I hadn't ah hadn't even touched it. So I was like, what the fuck? I don't know what the hell. It's OK. I blame the chaos cow um this caused all of the.
01:19:48
Speaker
Oh, no problems. So do you guys want to contribute to what they were talking about? Like, hey, maybe what Jack was saying that the the. Jack's trying to convince you to stop doing what you're doing. Oh, well, to stop being chaotictic and just color. Yeah, ever. It's just going to be coloring like she doesn't really care. It was like whatever. And she could always order more from Ask Jesse. So like she.
01:20:17
Speaker
She's gonna be like, oh, Ramsey, do you want like a really awesome like chew toy? And then I'm like, when we're tired of coloring, like maybe we could like play tug of war with it. I love tug of war.
01:20:32
Speaker
Okay, I'm gonna ask Jesse to order me one. And what else should we get? We should get you a collar. We gotta to get you a tag because I gotta to make sure people know you're mine. And then we gotta get you all sorts of fun stuffs like a bed and like, oh yeah, we gotta get you one of those awesome like bowls, you know, that stands on the little riser so that you don't have to like put your head all the way down there and it makes your tummy upset. Aw, we get more crayons? I like color.
01:21:01
Speaker
I like to color. Oh, yeah, I can order way more of those. Watch this. She pulls out her phone and orders a whole bunch of like dog stuff and like more crayons and coloring looks like the real thick ones that they used to get. Oh, excellent. Yes, Jesse just throws all of those things out of your phone into a nice pile of fun on the on the ground of doo-dad.
01:21:27
Speaker
Yeah. And then, oh, no, that cat from earlier from the dumpster shows back up and gives gives Ramsey the finger and then sprints off. Ramsey's just gonna take off. Ramsey takes off. Yeah. umy mag yeah ah Yeah, so Ramsey goes and takes off after ah the cat that she was trying to get in the beginning. What do you do, Everett? Oh, she's going to chase off after. That's her dog. So you take off after her. Ramsey takes off after a cat. ah Jack laser. What are you doing? Everett, if your dog calls the apocalypse again, we're not going to be responsible. for What happens? Oh, yeah.
01:22:17
Speaker
Don't let her kill that cat either, geez. Jay, you want to go get some scar brooks? Yeah, man, you can't be bothered by that. Let's just go get something to eat. If we see shit open it up in the sky again, we'll kill the dog. Yep. Put her down. Yes. We tried our best, Jay. We put the- We really did, yeah. Especially if he drags around the corner and kills the dog owners.
01:22:43
Speaker
ah versus Well, another apocalypse averted. Yeah, we're good at this. Yeah, that's right. High five, man. You guys. Hell yeah. You guys go to the Skrar bucks as those guys are chasing after a cat. um And mr Mr. Whiskers climbs out of your bag. And he says, can I have an Americano, please? What? Oh, God. Get out um get out of here. Go.
01:23:13
Speaker
there ja You were just, you were there for one joke. Get out of here. He jumps out of your bag and climbs on top of the counter and says, fine, then I'll just have one meowka latte, please. All right, fine, I'll pay for it. I owe you. ah And then thus, ah you do that. and I don't really know where to go from here. I think the credits roll, right? Spaying new to your pets.
01:24:25
Speaker
well does it look good already
01:24:48
Speaker
Does it look good already?