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The Affordables 1.9: Suck Around And Find Out
24 Plays2 days ago
Today, David is sleepy and misses the podcast, but we've got out ol' pal, Sean here to help do some Vampire bustin' in the Wrasslin' Ring!
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Transcript
Welcome and Comedic Intro
00:00:30
Speaker
Oh, I love it. All right. Hey, anyway, hey, hey, hey and internet listeners. Good morning. Hey, good afternoon. And, um, you know what? Good evening to all of you out there. Ladies, gentlemen, non-binary folks of the universe. No, no, no, this is role players. Welcome back to episode nine of the affordability here on role players, TV, listening podcast network, fun installers. Check it out.
00:00:50
Speaker
Um, yeah, what happened last time guys? Hey, look, first of all, David might be here right now. I'm joined by Justin and Cass and Sean is also here as a special guest who you will find out more about his character here momentarily. Um, and David is in a coma, like a light one, not like a serious one, but like light enough that it's an inconvenience
Dragon Adventure Recap
00:01:10
Speaker
to the podcast. but So he might join later when he wakes up um But anyway what happened last time guys they went into a giant dragon to investigate a wizard who stole Excalibur To do something nasty with it But they went inside a giant dragon's mouth Frank the dragon the red dragon and they climbed all up in there and they now They took care of that wizard and they kicked him literally down the poop chute after they defeated him and then sometime during that whole thing and Jay Proto discovered and a ring and he put it on and he turned into a beautiful female drowl person. um And that was how he spent a big chunk of his ah ah time.
00:01:53
Speaker
um And then, you know, they took care of the bad guy. I don't remember a whole lot from it beyond that. But hey, I know how it ended. And here's what happened.
Jack Lazer's Ascension
00:02:00
Speaker
Okay. um I don't remember why, but Jack Lazer is now the king of England. I don't remember how that happened. But Justin, do you remember why? Why are you the king of England? I literally cannot remember. Because I touched Excalibur, the other guy I already touched. Oh, fuck that Excalibur. That's right. Of course, that's why you have it. Right. You have Excalibur. Sit out. You have Excalibur and you are the king of England. um And you're currently in a helicopter being whisked away by the Royal Guard.
00:02:29
Speaker
um Poor Everett was left alone in the base of the Grand Canyon with Frank the Red Dragon after her whip was stolen and turned into some sort of hover vehicle or, I know, or the rockets were taken. Something happened to your car that you don't have it now. And Maxine broke steel. Didn't Jay steal it?
00:02:49
Speaker
Somebody stole it, yeah. And then he's going down the river somewhere in like a hover boat being kidnapped by Maxine Steele. And maybe we'll resolve that today if David
Everett's Grand Canyon Encounter
00:03:00
Speaker
shows up, or maybe we won't. And then we'll go on a little side quest later to figure out how that goes. um But hey, why don't we jump down into the Grand Canyon? Now, Sean, Sean, you're here. Say hi, Sean. ah Hey, everyone. It's Sean.
00:03:18
Speaker
Hey, it's Sean. Hey, Sean, you live in Arizona, right? I do. What city is the Grand Canyon in, or does it count as its own city? I actually have to go back. Is it just Grand Canyon City? We're going to say it's Grand Canyon City. so I think it's just considered a national forest, isn't it?
00:03:41
Speaker
Yeah, I'm just curious what town is technically in. Is that in Phoenix? There is not a town, but there is a village, Grand Canyon Village and the southern of the Grand Canyon Park. The southern rim. OK, so you guys are in grand the village of Grand Canyon. Well, you are in the village of Grand Canyon, ah Everett, and you are currently i sitting next to Frank, the red dragon. Your whip is gone. ah Jack Lazer has been whisked away in a helicopter by the Royal Guard and Jay Proto is nowhere to be seen. I don't remember if you saw him get kidnapped or not, um but
Helicopter Escape
00:04:20
Speaker
you're you're there with Frank. What do you do? um She's going to. Hmm. Is the dragon still alive?
00:04:30
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, he just had a little bit of a tummy ache, but he feels a lot better now that he pooped out ah the wizard. OK, I just wanted to make sure because, you know, I couldn't remember if they like blew him up or. nah No, no, I was there. You're still chilling. OK, so she is going to get on her little phone that she's got, and she is going to get on to ask Jesse and have him summon her other vehicle that she has like at home. Um, because she has all you and okay cool yeah, she has, um, a 71 Impala that she kind of made it kind of like Knight Rider, like kit from Knight Rider.
00:05:13
Speaker
OK, so she's just going to like lean up against like, you know, like sit against Frank the Dragon and just read a book while she waits for her car to show up. What are you reading there, little lady? and This is like called The Night Witch, and um it's like really good. The Night Witch, you say.
00:05:41
Speaker
yeah Is that night with a K or night with an N? It's night with an N. It's like, you know, it if it's the day or the night, it's like the night. Oh, so she's not like a witch in shining armor. No, but she's like the hero in the book. Oh, cool. What's the most heroic thing she's done so far in your book?
00:06:10
Speaker
Well, she saved this village from this crazy monster. And then like she saved this one little boy from like the this really bad sickness that had taken over him. It was really, really bad. And then she made flowers for this like little girl so that this little boy could like give this little girl these little flowers so that he could ask her out on a date. And that was really nice. And then she gave this little girl like a little pet dragon like you.
00:06:38
Speaker
Don't spoil, oh,
Meet Gabe and Roller Skating Vampires
00:06:40
Speaker
well that's nice. that that sets Is that early? I don't want to spoil the whole story. What if I want to read it? That's like in the first five chapters. Okay, good. wo Man, you know, I have a i have a a dragon friend named Denver, and he was the last ah dragon for a little while. They thought he was a dinosaur, but he turned out to be a dragon.
00:07:04
Speaker
and You know, we gotta get him a giant spoiler alert t-shirt because he would always just to come and tell me all the endings to movies and books and TV shows long before I could watch them on account. I can't really move from here. So I was worried you were going to pull a Denver on me.
00:07:23
Speaker
Oh, absolutely not. I wasn't ever going to do that. But you know, and you know what else I don't like when people do is when they sit there and they talk through like movies or like, you're like listening to something and then like, you know, you're trying to pay attention and they just still won't shut up. And it's like, oh, preach sister, preach. Oh my Lord.
00:07:42
Speaker
I just want to have a giant— You're trying to listen to my audiobook over here. Exactly. You know, I'm looking to audition to read for audiobooks. I've been told I have a good reading voice. You really do. And a face for radio. I mean, I guess it's okay unless it's like something that you have to import, like, you know, interrupt somebody with something important. I guess it's okay. Yeah. Oh, hey, look, there's your car. Oh, hey.
00:08:12
Speaker
Hey, there's your car. It's just there, Jesse. That whole time, Jesse was pulling it out of your phone um and it took a really long time and he had to really bend it and maneuver it and code it properly. um And he was just working in the background, pulling your car out of your little your little smartphone. So he just pulls it out. so I say, I'm going to take a break now. And then he climbs back into your phone um and your car is there.
00:08:39
Speaker
Alright, well, ah Frank, since you said you can't leave here, I'm just gonna come and visit you pretty often because I like you. But I have to go and ah try to find my friends because I don't know where any of them went. Well, I can tell you that your friend went that way in a helicopter. Oh. I guess I'll have to call him. Thanks. Yeah. Well, hey, it's been real. It's been good. And I would even say it's been real good.
00:09:09
Speaker
It has been real good and I'm really glad that I got to meet you and now I'm going to be your best friend and I'm going to come and visit you all that time. Cool. Email me. Oh yeah. ah You know it. Yeah. Okay. I'll see you next time. She gets in the car squeals out of there and he just closes his eyes. So you're going to, you're going to drive your car out of the grand canyon. la ah Yeah. Cause she has like, um, I guess great.
00:09:37
Speaker
She has like that go go gadget helicopter thing, so she's just going to squeal until she gets just enough speed to where she can like activate the helicopter and then just get out of there. Excellent. um OK, ah so you're going to do your little helicopter thing to get out of the Grand Canyon. ah You do that. People are taking loads of pictures of you doing that because it's just a ah sight to see.
00:10:02
Speaker
Um, she's throwing metal horns out the window. Oh God. You're there. She's throwing metal horns at us. Oh,
00:10:14
Speaker
oh you mean like the, me oh, right. gotcha Alright, I thought you were throwing like metal instruments or metal death horns from heavy metal devils, which is a great band name. It would be even funnier if it was like the huang kong fucking old bicycle horns. Yeah, there's literally just like, why is it that you're just like, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky, all the way down to the fuck. Why? We loved you.
00:10:41
Speaker
Heavy Metal Devils. No, when I say Heavy Metal Devils, that's a great name for something. We should put that on T-shirt. Sean, right? It's a good metal name. Heavy Metal Devils. Good name. What did I say? Heavy Metal Devils. Yep. Okay, so speaking of Sean, Sean's here. Hey, Sean. So let's cut real quick to what you're doing. Let's just say that you're on another job that, say,
00:11:04
Speaker
You're the only one that responded. But you know what? Let's not say you're the only one. Let's just say maybe one other one other character joins you. And Blake Dancer has you on a mission. You responded in the group chat that you had a, there was a mission local to your house that you were gonna go on. um So let's just say that there's like, there's a there's some roller skating vampires that are out on the street. um And,
00:11:31
Speaker
getting up to no good and Blake Dancer called you out to go take care of him. What do you do? Do you want to tell us who your character is first? I guess I should ask you that. Tell us what that looks like. I am playing Gabriel Hickey. He's a slightly chubby looking guy, but he is also solidly built with ah kind of I don't long, slightly long, longish, not long, like long past the shoulders, but but to the shoulders hair and like his hair is kind of over to the side and he is wearing a blue jeans and a hoodie over what appears to be um thehonix the Phoenix coyotes colors on a jersey and glove and he's wearing his hockey gloves and he has a chain curled into like a like ah yeah yeah like you see like normally people who have whips kind of curled in a circle on his belt. He's got a chain whip. Yeah.
Airport Reunion and New Mission
00:12:30
Speaker
OK, sick. All right. So who would you say we can just literally materialize this person out of thin air? Who is the other affordable that joins you? Just some other random schmuck that maybe does maybe they live locally as well that maybe you've worked with before. You know, I'm going to say it is Tyson Degrassi.
00:12:53
Speaker
Tyson Degrassi. Yeah, his his his father is a real He's a businessman and he, and oh no, he gets even the worse. His in full name is Tyson Neo Degrassi. Yeah. Because his father is an idiot businessman and thought it would make people confuse, uh, confuse him for the other guy. All right. And what is his, what, what, what is, what is Tyson Tyson's, uh, like specialty? What is he usually he's, he's, he's kind of like a long range to Gabe's running and.
00:13:27
Speaker
But he he's the hot guy to Tyson or to to Gabe's kind of Hulk. OK, you see him like you're up there. You're tussling with le about like, let's say to two vampires on roller skates. That's like your specialty, I think, is like, you know, typically you respond to the vampire jobs.
00:13:43
Speaker
And, uh, yeah, Tyson's back in the background with a comically huge crossbow, like fucking probably big enough to Wiley coyote would shoot himself out of it if you need to go somewhere. Um, and he's like, he's like, you guys are at a skate park, like down in the pit where like the the skaters do their tricks and shit. And he's up on top of it with a massive fucking crossbow, just waiting to take a shot. He's like, Hey man, you're always in the way. Move, move, bro. This thing is the size of a car.
00:14:12
Speaker
I'm trying to get them times. They're slicker than a pig covered in Vaseline and a horribly wrong porno. Oh man, I'm not renting that one anymore. Shit, you ruined it for me. Spoiler alert.
00:14:28
Speaker
um And yeah, so you see that there are two to like kind of pale skinned people with like pock marks all over their necks and arms And they have like bright red eyes And one of them's got like one of those kind of helmets where their hair is really spiky and it sticks up through their helmet There's another shorter one dwarven Who's just like a muscle bound dude on roller skates and he's like flexing his muscles and like his fucking shirts bursting open He goes alright not today mister actually i we don't know who you are we're just skating what's your fucking deal is he's like charging at you with like like a fucking big old mallet he's looking to smack you with oh you don't know my deal ah let me tell you he takes out his phone uh presses a button for an mp3 and drops it before taking off towards the guy you just hear like this
00:15:19
Speaker
but about um about about Bow
00:15:38
Speaker
mount and bo bo walk boun you see like the the one with the spiky hair through the helmets like holding onto his head and he goes ah Oh, God. Gross. Ooh. Do people still listen to this shit? Oh, my God. I thought that died in like the 60s like me. What do you do? Well, you're going to be going back to the 60s. I mean, to the 60s. And I have you like. Well, what do you do? He's coming. up One of them is coming at you with a hammer. He's about to strike you right on the dome piece, bro.
00:16:16
Speaker
All right, I feel like games going to speed up and he's just going to go like into a flying knee into that guy's face. You're just going to do a straight up fucking like Captain Falcon knee. Yeah, because I feel like I feel like Gabe is on roller lower skates to in here. Excellent. OK. Yeah. Once you roll a kick, some ass roll. You're trying to do damage to him. I assume you're trying to near pretty hard.
00:16:39
Speaker
So yeah, do a do a
Wrestling Match Preparation
00:16:40
Speaker
flying knee. Let me know what you get. All right. Hell yeah. You get to pick an extra effect if you like for you get to gain the advantage. You can inflict terrible harm, suffer less harm or force them where you want them. I think I want to force them where I want them. And I I feel like game is trying to hit them hard enough to send them flying back to the other guy. OK. Yeah, I think that's good. So what's your typical harm like without your famous weapon? I.
00:17:08
Speaker
I think that would be plus. They'll just be. If you just need them in the sternum, if you're not using your secret weapon, your special weapon, which is call it, you know what? We'll call it to harm because you did a flying just jump and kick, jump and knee. You sock him real hard in the gut. You send him back into his buddy. ah They go careening down. His hammer goes flying off, ah you know, towards a half pipe somewhere. And then you just hear, all right, that works. And you hear.
00:17:34
Speaker
and you Just your like a crazy like ripple effect behind you as if there's like a thousand fluttering birds flying past your head and then you just see like a blurry crossbow bolt the size of a fucking sedan Like just just wings past you flutters your hair a little bit and and just skewers both of them together into the wall with the with the crossbow bolt. It's pretty much a ballista that he's firing just as a two handed weapon um and just like nails them into the wall. And you see the one that you need is like instantly turned to ash just turns into ah just a pile on the floor. um And the one with the spiky hair and the helmet, it's like struggling. He's like got blood coming out the mouth and the ears and he just cannot move himself from this bolt.
00:18:18
Speaker
He's like, oh, God. Oh, this is awful because I can't die from this exactly because he didn't hit me in the heart, ah which is crazy because this is huge. Oh, God. Oh, God. Could you just hey, fella, could you just get me off this real quick? Probably even better than that. yeah it's I think he unwield his whip. He's going to try to grab a whip to grab the guy's head and pull him back through.
00:18:47
Speaker
You're gonna grab him by the head and pull him back the other way onto the, from the crossbow bolt? Yeah. Oh God. Well, you know what? He's pinned down. and He's, he's helpless. So are you doing that because you want to kill him like by pulling him through it a second time? Yeah. Cause he, I think the gal gave trying to make it silly. he faces the heart Yeah. Uh, you do that. So you wrap your, your special chain. Do you want to
Battle Against the Slampires
00:19:10
Speaker
describe your chain? You said it's like a chain whip. Is it spiked or anything?
00:19:13
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's um it's it's a lot. When I think when they unfurls it into the whip, it becomes very it becomes thicker covered in spikes. because I picked spike Chevy and log. So you just went like a spike dash chain around his neck, which he reacts to immediately because it's a spike chain. um And then you just yank his head forward. He falls through. ah You just pull his heart right onto that special Belista bolt. And then by the time that you yank him all the way through it, he's just a pile of ashes on the floor or on the on the base of the of the skate park.
00:19:49
Speaker
Uh, and you have defeated the, the, the Vamps on wheels. Um, and then you hear, uh, you hear, uh, Ty call out from you bump from behind and goes, all right, well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna head home now. Cool, cool shit. Let me know when the next one's going on. Will do. Um, when I get, uh, what do I, um, when I get back, I will bring up, bring back some pizza too, because Gabe actually lives in the same house as Ty cause he lives in his garage. Excellent. Yeah. And wait. Hey, when you bring it back, pineapples on the whole thing, the entire pizza pineapple. Yeah. Pineapple. All right. I can do that. I can deal with that.
00:20:29
Speaker
And then he puts himself inside of the ballista and then fires himself out of it and then grabs it on the way. and It just flies away. Kind of like that one general in Dragon Ball that just takes like a pillar and throws it and then jumps on it and rides it away. um So you're sitting there in the skate park and you get a call from Blake Dancer. Gabe's going to skate over and pick up his was like, ah hey, Blake, we got to got to roll our vampires dealt with.
00:20:58
Speaker
Right, right, cool, cool. Hey, could you give me a quick flavor and go and check this ping? And he sends you some coordinates. He goes, I don't know where the fuck my team is. I sent the other guys, we should really have team names. You know, there's Everett, there's Jack Lazo, and there's the, well, Jimmy Chang, it just fucks off whenever. And then there's Jay Proto. They're all over the goddamn place. One of them's heading way out of town. And we got another job that I think we should have you around for on a account of there's wrestling vampires. I'll give you more of a scoop later. Can you go pick up at least Everett or figure out where she is? Because she's closest to where you are right now. Alright, alright, alright. Yeah, i can do I can do that, Blake. Cool! Alright, well, when you get her, just send me a ping. I'm just popping some popcorn, so I'll wait until you're done. Just let me know when you get the rainbow head chick first, and then we'll figure out what we're doing. Alright, yeah, yeah, alright. I'm just gonna get over to my moped.
00:21:57
Speaker
You have a moped. Yeah, get game climbs up and he has he has ah he has like those old old school mopeds where it's it's more like a mini mini bike. That's awesome. I think that's great. You just scoot that up on that out of the skate park. Yeah. Excellent. I love that. And he still has a rollerblazer on too. That's how bad he's riding a moped.
00:22:22
Speaker
Excellent. All right. So let's cut let's smash cut over to Jack Lazer, who is currently in a helicopter with the Secret Service royalty people of the British Royal Army. um And you have Excalibur in your lap and you're sitting in a helicopter and being given whatever beverages you ask for on there. What's what's happening on that helicopter? A lot of just boilerplate kind of stuff. But can we just flash? Do we not smash cut flash forward to me coming back to America? Sure.
00:22:54
Speaker
So you wait. So you you flew all the way. You flew. Wait, did you fly all the way to England or did you guys just turn around at some point? Yeah, like a day or two passes for us. OK. You were gone for two days and ever gets a phone call. OK, so so OK, so because I was having Gabe goes shortly after the adventure to go find, okay, you know what? We're going to jump two days. I actually think this is a really funny idea. Okay. I wasn't going to, if they try calm night, I'll notice my phone. I was at the, you know what? I had concubines. Right. I forgot you had real concubines. I think this is funny.
00:23:40
Speaker
yeah So you call Everett, you're on your way back in your helicopter or your private plane, whatever you choose. No, no, no, no. They they I'll tell you how I get back. Well, yeah, you tell me I got once every day, I got to tell Everett, not tell everybody ever to your phone. Pick up Everett. God damn it. Come on.
00:23:55
Speaker
Yeah, what do you want? Sorry, I didn't realize you were picking up as I was complaining about you not picking up. um Listen, I'm in New York City. I got dropped off by the ah transatlantic flight. Yeah. ah Listen, they they they kicked me out of England. What did you do in England? We remember they said I had a bunch of concubines and stuff and that's what really sold it on me to become king over there.
00:24:21
Speaker
on no i didn't even know you left me until i was out in the desert by myself thank you very much by the way was thank you for leaving me there with uh all like the dragon and everything and um but it's fine i got out of there you're welcome you're You're welcome to. Anyway, so um so yeah as King of England with a bunch of concubines, you can kind of do whatever you want, wherever you want, if you know what I'm starting to say. But apparently, if you have sex in the in the in Doctor Who ah commemorative time booth, everybody loses their fucking minds. And so they kick you out, and they take your sword and your crown, and you can't even say goodbye to your favorite concubine, Stephanie.
00:25:02
Speaker
so And anyway, they shot me back across on ah on a on a overnight flight and mom and I'm in New York and I need to catch it. So you got kicked out of England because the one thing you can't do as King of England is bang somebody money enough in ah in a... and ah a What did you say? In ah in a TARDIS replica.
00:25:26
Speaker
that That's the one thing. It's pretty sacred over there, I guess. not Yeah, I did hear that they find Doctor Who very sacred over there, that he's like, you know, one of those that they've got like a shrine to, from what I understand. Yeah, and I who i put a little over that shrine. Anyway, I need to pick it up. I'm in New York. You put your butt all over the shrine. Well, I'm in Arizona still, so you will have to wait. Phil! I will pick you up. Are you lost in the desert? What? Jesus.
00:25:58
Speaker
Well, no, you guys fucking left me down there in the goddamn Grand Canyon. It's two days. So I had to like. Did we drive you in a car? I had to get myself out of there. Thank you very much. And then, you know, I had to find a way out of there. So, you know what? I was in the Grand Canyon. Thank you very much. And you had the helicopter. You could have been like, hey, Everett, come over here with me and we're going to get out of here. No, no one said a fucking thing to me. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I believe that you guys owe me some ice cream.
00:26:27
Speaker
ah um Well, this we can discuss that maybe, but either way, alright, well I'm gonna try and find my way, I'm go gonna try and get out of New York. How about you just ping me your location and I'll be there as soon as I can. I've got my cough, so don't worry about it. Okay, I'm at NYX, whatever the New York airport is called.
00:26:46
Speaker
Yeah, and that's exactly right. It's NYX. You got it. um Yeah, the old Nix Airport. um So i Everett, what if you're still in Arizona, but it's been apparently 48 hours. What have you been doing for the past two days? Don't you know that they have the best raves in the desert down there?
00:27:05
Speaker
shit Oh, so you've just been raving? You just been partying. Yeah, yeah. Excellent. OK, so OK, so let me see if I heard that right. Jack, you're getting on a plane to fly back to. Where to Arizona? Or you're not doing that. He's waiting for me to get there. Oh, you're going to get him in New York. Yeah, I have my car so I can go go gadget that shit.
00:27:35
Speaker
Right. OK, of course. Sure. All right. You know what? OK, so you're going to New York to go get him. ah And you do that, which is great. um And I guess, Gabe, this entire time you're following that thread because she's go go gadget carring it in your moped and driving across the country to New York. Yeah, I'm pretty much. I i feel like i type he catches up to the other ones. He actually has several bugs.
00:28:03
Speaker
Um, spashed against. the i yeah um So yeah, you've been, you've been going as fast as your little scooter will take you across the country to Sue following the beacon that, um,
00:28:16
Speaker
that Blake Dancer gave you. um He thought I was only going to be a couple of hours, but turns out it's been a couple of days. um And you get to NYX, the Nix Airport, and um Jack Laser, you're standing where? Are you holding a sign so she knows to pick you up? Depends. How quickly did they get there?
00:28:37
Speaker
Uh, you know what? Like within like a half an hour, like a half of four. Jesus. Four to six minutes. um I'm in the I'm in the airport. Squarebrucks. He's in the Scrabucks. Everett, you get there. It's a little bit in later in the afternoon.
00:28:55
Speaker
um Gabe, you track Everett, she pulls up and she she sees that he is in the Skrarbucks. So Everett, you go find him. having What are you drinking in in this coffee shop? He's got a little tea. he's ah Oh, Everett, thank you. You're here. Look, you know it wasn't all concubines and and raw dick over there for me. I discovered a new love for tea. They've got such a culture over there. And bangers and mash, you've got to have it. We're going to have it here, though, so we can't get it here.
00:29:25
Speaker
She gips, slaps him in the back of the head. Whoa, careful with the tea, this was 20 bucks. That's for leaving me behind in the fucking desert. Hey, sorry, I heard the word concubines and I, everything else went black. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Besides, Jay was making me take you home. You had a car, you got here with your car. No, he left me too, thank you very much. And he took my car. Oh, that flighty bastard.
00:29:50
Speaker
Mm hmm. Yeah. Mm hmm. I'm going to find him and I'm going to pull every one of his toenails out of his toes. It's fine. I love that car. Well, anyway, thanks for picking me up. Let's leave. I hate to see. Gabe, Gabe, you you walk up to the the scar books just as you see two familiar faces probably posted in the chat a few times. You see Everett and Jack Lazer exiting the scar books.
00:30:19
Speaker
So yeah, I want to do something crazy here. You always do something crazy. What's it? What's the crazy thing? I think as they're walking out, they see this mopedges, zoom up to the saying, and then this guy put a real plate feel down and it's basically like a spit, like, ah like, like, you know, everyone does the spin outs with a motorcycle. Sure. Only, only worse because the foot on the ground is a roller blade. So he's like,
00:30:44
Speaker
So you're doing like a sick like burnout with like your feet on with your with your rollerbait wheels on the ground. Yeah. and it And it takes a moment. It takes a a moment to get and get to tighten the circle enough to stop. It still looks pretty sweet, though. Hey, Jack, we're walking here. So we're so rude in this country. for Before we walk out, Everett is going to grab ah just somebody else's coffee off of the ready counter and just walk out. OK.
00:31:13
Speaker
ever something of the of the affordable's bad boy now. Yeah. so She is angry. She's like, I've been left in the fucking desert for two days. I'm not taking what I want. This is my life now. This country, I own it. I'm the president. Or whatever that she would say. Whatever she would say. Who knows? Yeah. yeah No, that is not what she would say. I was just guessing. Yeah, I don't know. I'm on her head.
00:31:39
Speaker
Anyway, uh, yeah, so ah they just try to walk around you, Gabe. Sorry, so I don't have any money. Can't give you any money, buddy. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. You think you pulled up on a on a scooter because he wanted money. And I know I'm here to pick you up. I'm going for. I mean, come on, come on, Jack. and i've I've commented enough on your posts on the server. You should recognize me by now. I use my own face and the server.
00:32:08
Speaker
Um, what? What's going to pick us up on that little thing? Evert's picking me up. I didn't call you. Who are you? Gabe Hickey. Um, hockey vampire slayer. I remember this guy. Yeah. He's always like liking on your posts and everything. It's like, oh, it's kind of cute. Actually, we see, I don't want to turn notifications off. So every time I get one of those annoys me. So I opened the thing up and close it because I don't care.
00:32:36
Speaker
So sorry, buddy. I never looked at it. I like your posts too. Yeah. Lake has a mission for all of us. and he Oh, that fricking guy. You can't give us a moment to breathe. I i mean, I guess I did have two days to bank concubines in in England, but still, damn. I don't know. it i've I mean, i' been I've been driving for like 48 hours trying to find Everett because they were going all over the place. Oh.
00:33:03
Speaker
Me. You were following me? Oh, I bet that was an adventure. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. There was one point when you stopped and I got held up by a cheap ah raving chupacabra. Yeah, he's my buddy. that named His name is Oscar. He's awesome. What's the voice your body? He was your buddy. ah Oh, what did you do to Oscar? I mean, he's trying to suck my blood.
00:33:32
Speaker
He sucked a man's blood, it's a natural thing to happen. Anyway, what's going on? Bing, bing, bing, bing. Hello. Right. Hey, is everybody on? Hello? Yeah, we're all on my phone. Hey, everybody say hello. Oh, hey. Hello. That's what he sounds like. Gabe, what took you so long? I've been sitting here with an empty bag of popcorn for like two days. I was i mean, I was trying to find, everyone was just going all over the place and I guess something went to hell after.
00:34:00
Speaker
I only got a moped. You couldn't send your buddy a text message saying, right? I'm on a two day road trip to find Everett. I didn't stock up on snacks. Well, I mean, you they were right there when I, when you sent me the ping, but then they kept on moving and around and they went faster and I didn't have something I was going to catch up. And then there was a chupacabra and I, wait, wait, what happened to your exit? You sounded different the first time we talked. to Well, I've been driving, I've been driving in the, I've been driving in the, driving for like 48 hours. I haven't slept in anything bad. Right. Does he just kind of forget who you are? The less sleep you get. That's funny. Well, anyways, hey, Jack, where the fuck have you been? England brother. Do my own thing. You've been with your England brother? No, I've been in England brother. You're the brother. Who's England? Jolly old England town.
00:34:56
Speaker
You went to the country of England? Yeah. Why? They made me king. I had a lot of sex. Disgraced national landmark. Well, that would explain all of the... I just thought that that was just the onion doing some funny spoof news, but that was real. Yeah, that picture of an ass saying, Jack Lazar shows his full moon or whatever they said. Yeah, that's me. Yeah, yeah. It was like, moons over my hammy, they called it.
00:35:25
Speaker
Apparently a lot of kids go and see that, that thing. So I don't like it when you actually did the nasty inside of a, of a, of a TARDIS. Um, yeah, that's what, yeah. I thought it was called tartar sauce. Yeah. Okay. The tartar tartus. Yeah. Tartarus. Well, speaking of tartar sauce, you better hope that was just a replica and you didn't send your TARDIS sauce all over time and space. Anyway, what's, you might have a lot of kids out there. No.
00:35:55
Speaker
ah Anyway, Jack Glazer pulled the game strong. Anyway, what's what's the job? Well, hang on. Hang on. Hi, Everett. How are you doing? Hey, how are you doing? Did you miss me? I mean, I know. Sure. Yeah, you do did. you You did. See, you had to hesitate there for a second to see what you were going to say. I knew it. It's fine.
00:36:22
Speaker
You know, once you get a, you know, once you get a taste like this, I'm like bubblicious, baby. You can't get enough. Right. Once you pop, you can't stop. That's a different chip. Um, okay. So you're good then. Uh, you're good. Oh yeah. I'm, I'm great. Yeah. Right. Okay. Cool. Cool. All right. Well, hey, listen, here's the job and here's why Mr. Hickey's here with you. Wait, hang on. We're missing somebody. Where the fuck is chimichanga and or Jay proto?
00:36:51
Speaker
I don't know, but that freaking Jay Proto, he took my car and he stole it and disappeared right after we left that dragon. And I'm going to whoop his high end to all the way to the wherever's. Right. Yeah. keep Take him right to the wherever's. That's i actually have a mission in a couple of weeks right around that area. So that's good. um Good.
00:37:16
Speaker
Right, then. Well, I suppose if he wants to get on the call, he can get on the call when he's available, but he's not answering right now. So I guess it's just you three, which is perfect. All right. Listen, Gabe, Gabe, I know you just got done hunting some vampires and you haven't slept in 48 hours, but I have another vampire job, which is why you're on the call. All right. That's fair. I mean, for vampire, I mean, I'm good at hunting vampires and checking them into the goal of hell.
00:37:45
Speaker
Checking them into the goal of hell. That's nice. That's nice. All right. Listen, have you guys ever heard of the slam pyres? They're a group. There are evil heel faction and the world unified slam series that it's just been really getting famous lately in the, in the, in, in, in the wrestling world. Anybody? No. All right. Okay. Then I'm in England. Well, I mean, they've been around longer than the two days you've been fucking around in England.
00:38:16
Speaker
and i didn no no No, not the vampires. They're my favorite. I've got to be honest is with you. I have been in like the greatest LSD and acid trip for like the last two days. So like I don't 100%. No, no.
00:38:36
Speaker
Right, okay then. That's alright, you don't really need to know, it just helps. But yes, so you said they were your favorite. it Well, a couple of weeks ago, apparently, they turned heel. And they they kind of unified this new team called the Slampires, where essentially, they made a deal with an actual vampire to be their, what do you call them, thralls, I think?
00:39:01
Speaker
And they've gotten real powerful and real strong. And they turned into not just sucking blood, but sucking energy and life force from audiences and their opponents. They're getting too strong and too dangerous. So I need you guys to form your own faction, go into the W U S S and go and become a big enough faction that you can defeat them once and for all. And then if you can, preferably find whoever their master is.
00:39:28
Speaker
and take that fucker down because if the if the master goes down, the thralls go with it. Fuck, vampire simps, the worst. Yeah. and So how do you guys feel about fighting some vampires and like ah in like wrestling get ups? Sure. um I mean, gay books down at its share. All right. Well, that one makes sense. I'm halfway there.
00:39:54
Speaker
Jesse, give my wrestling costume out. Yeah, that one. OK. Jesse's already on it. He's going through your digital closet and picking out your shit. Yep. All right. And Mr. Liza, you're OK with, you know, doing that whole wrestling thing. Yeah, as long as they don't suck anything out of me, I don't want to be sucked out of me. I can't guarantee. You're OK with wearing spandex, really?
00:40:25
Speaker
Oh yeah brother, gotta show off the goods. Well alright, here I thought there's gonna be a really awkward conversation, honestly. But it seems like everybody's on board. Well alright. So, I don't know where you guys are right now, but you gotta go back to to Phoenix. Hmm, okay. Where are you guys at? Is that NYX? Yeah, we're at the airport. Why? You supposed to... You have to go back where you came from. The job's back in...
00:40:53
Speaker
vampires love hanging out in Arizona. Well, first of all, like, first of all, we didn't know we didn't know we're going to have a job in Arizona for two days. And I just had to pick up this jackass. It's like a lot of life outside of, you know, hunting monsters and fighting things and doing things. I mean, it makes sense that the vampires are love Arizona. It's the death trap anyway, that that us Americans got tricked into thinking could be popularized. So like,
00:41:19
Speaker
It's easy for them to hide their bodies and just say, oh, that's an entity that just walked out into into the desert and died. Have you ever been to Death Valley? It's rightfully nined, by the way. Hmm. They must be like those vampires that can go out in the sun.
00:41:35
Speaker
Day walkers. Yeah, they walk it in singers. No. All right, let's go get strong right though So go get your team together go find whoever runs the world unified slam series get signed up and then go and challenge them to a triple threat not a triple threat It would be a tornado tag three on three match Or whatever you want to do. You could be loud ladder match. Whatever. We're doing hell in a cell. All right. Goodbye Blake All right. Yang's up. um So we don't have to ah we don't have to act out you guys traveling back. But what ah what? Since you mentioned it first, what is your what does your outfit look like, Everett? So it's got. It's got in the middle of her chest, it's got like a white tiger.
00:42:28
Speaker
that is like as a background, but it's like overlooking.
00:42:36
Speaker
Sorry, it's overlooking. My stupid watch goes off every day at lunchtime. I don't know how to turn it off. um What was I saying? Oh yeah. So there's a tiger in the background and it's looking down upon a unicorn that has a mermaid writing it and Bigfoot is like guiding the unicorn along and it's in pink and like baby blue color.
00:43:05
Speaker
All right, cool. ah Gabe, what is your as you would just say that you guys got to the to the WSS. You guys are there um and they're outfitting you guys if you don't already have your own shit, ah just like ah outfit montage. What do you end up wearing for your wrestling get up? um I think Gabe still wearing the jersey, but he does have the hoodie on and he's wearing the gloves and ah he's wearing short shorts.
00:43:36
Speaker
Closely because he refuses to wear a speedo like other wrestlers. OK, he's wearing short shorts. He's wearing like ah kind of like John Cena's jorts, but shorter. Yeah. Awesome. All right. Jack's laser. ah What ah what are you rocking? Jack Laser has ah chin-high black boots over a bright yellow long legs spandex pair of pants. um No top on. He had to go get his chest hair waxed off. Get that butter. Get that chest butter. Yeah, yeah he had to say it could be shiny for the show when he's got he's got you know is his hot dog-colored skin just like the classic wrestlers of of old.
00:44:18
Speaker
Hot dogs, colored skin like a deep tan to them. Gotcha. Like they've been on the roller for too long. Yeah. All right. um So you got an aviator still aviator still. And on the second rock in your aviator is very good.
00:44:35
Speaker
Um, you guys roll up, uh, into what they call like the, uh, uh, the gorilla area, which is like an extension of like right before people walk out into the wrestling ring. And you see, there's a guy, they call him triple A and he walks up. Uh, he's kind of a balding guy with like a big goatee and he says, haven't seen you guys around here before. You're damn right. Yeah. I'll get that fuck away from us. You're going to smell what we're, what we're stepping in.
00:45:01
Speaker
How is that? Is that like your catchphrase? No, i we stepped in. It's what we stepped in. That's what was stepping in, because that doesn't make any sense. We're working. We've been workshopping on the waiver. it Listen, this doesn't mean we're stepping in shit. to Why don't we want to step in shit? We just know what they're stepping in. You. I don't. What? Yeah, that's not.
00:45:21
Speaker
But you guys are going to have to get on the mic at some point. I'm assuming that you're aging. to Let you guys in. I don't have time to know who's supposed to be on the roster. Are you guys supposed to be the jobbers for the vampires? The job, what? The jobbers. You know, the slampires like fuck you up real quick and like you just make them look good. You go out there and they kick your ass. Hell no, buddy. No one takes no one kicks Jack Lazar's ass and makes them look good. Well, you're Jack Lazar. That's your that's your wrestler name.
00:45:49
Speaker
Um, that's my everyday name, everything name. I mean, I guess I could get behind it. Well, I mean, yes, whier over, over, over jobbers. We're not going to admit we're jobbers. Cause then who's listening? I mean, look, exactly over there. And gay points are like this random caterer. Uh-huh. You know what I'm saying? Trying to, this is jobbers and people are going to bet on.
00:46:11
Speaker
the slampire is the win it's gonna cost ri the He does look shifty. yeah yeah oh look look look we't like build um yeah yeah i go over and I want to grab that guy. i know advisor I throw him into the table. That's what you get for spreading rumors around here. snow you start out with him but like tech like but he like the jacklist you just did That guy like i could tell someone we're jobbers.
00:46:39
Speaker
Yeah, well, he's not going to. You guys, we don't walk you guys out onto the ramp and say, guys, it's the jobbers. No, I'm not saying you are. I'm saying the guy that Jack Leiser just put into the table. You know, I was going to fire him anyway because he looked in my eyes. So, you know, you know, if you're not talented, you're not supposed to even look at me in the first place. Hey, guys, come get some crime. These are good.
00:47:04
Speaker
I do it. The crab rangoons are good if you're not allergic to shellfish. Oh, my God, those are my favorite. Do they have sweet and sour? We are the I'm sorry. Do they what? Do they have sweet and sour? Those are my favorite. I don't know. I don't really eat from catering. I get my own stuff delivered and then whatever's left, I just leave it there. And then, you know, we're running a tight budget here, but you're going to stuff as many of the crab rangoons into our pockets as you can.
00:47:30
Speaker
Yeah, OK. Just don't get anything on the ring. That's the only mat we have for a while. Sure thing, but it's OK. I've got something to like, you know, this is like just my jacket. Don't worry about it. I got to take it off when I go wrestling. You don't see anything, whatever.
00:47:44
Speaker
All right, whatever. Look, you guys are the jobbers. There's a good chance you're not going to make it after this match anyway, because they've really they've literally been killing our talent. But the ticket sales have been through the roof. It's almost like we're turning into a death match kind of thing. And that wasn't originally my idea. But my God, we are actually we are in the black for the first time in years in this in this company. So ah and so go out there. I'd say try to make yourselves look good. But like the whole point is to make them look good. But, um but you know, just have fun with it.
00:48:12
Speaker
Cool, yeah. I have a duffel bag. I lay it on the floor. I unzip it. I pull a little shoulder holster apparatus and I put it over my shoulders and check my magnum and my knife that's in there. Okay, whatever, man. If that's your gimmick, it doesn't matter. You're not going to make it. It's just the looks. Don't worry. Gabe, did you bring those pointed sticks that are part of your getup? I don't know. Remember, I'm on a chain thing now, right?
00:48:41
Speaker
And he and he points to the I feel like he also he's whipped. He's kind of tied his chain whip around him. So it just looks like it's more like a like a costume prop, like a belt. Sure. OK, so wait, wait, hang on. Wait. So Jack laser, I can get behind as a name, but you're just going out as Gabe. You can't just be Gabe if you're that's going to. I mean, that's how I know he's left to have a name. Tell him your stage name, Gabe. And stage name is.
00:49:09
Speaker
The redneck vampire slayer. quiet Hey, i that's too long. They can't say that out there. The redneck slayer. That's supposed to kill rednecks. We should have worked up this in the way. We were too busy walk about talking about Stephen and stuff. We didn't work up our names. and So you're going to go by the redneck slayer? That's your name? Yeah. Is it like an ironic thing? Because you kind of look like a redneck a little bit.
00:49:38
Speaker
I mean, yeah, but what what what what what's the best way to kill a Redneck but another Redneck? Rednecks kill Rednecks every day. There is a lot of Redneck on Redneck violence in this town. Yeah. Yeah. if They're all using their buckshot on each other, fighting over pies on windowsills. So that was when Redneck tried to get someone off a bus so they could fight them in the middle of the day.
00:50:00
Speaker
ah Exactly. All right. The red next layer. I can get behind that. So Jack laser, the red next layer. All right. And you rainbow hair. What's your whole what's your whole thing? She pulls out her bone club and like snaps it in half and starts sharpening like the sharp edges. She's like. The bones layer. You're OK. So you slay bones. No, I slay with bones. Oh, so.
00:50:30
Speaker
So does this guy slay with rednecks? Do you wait? Do you kill rednecks or do you kill with rednecks? Like you use them as weapons? Just wait. No, wait. You have bones. Wait. So you slay with bones, but you're the bone slayer. Mm hmm. Right. All right. So the bone slayer, the rednecks slayer and Jack laser. That's your names? Nope. Yeah. And do you guys have like a faction name that you want to be called or do you just want me to announce you each as your names?
00:50:59
Speaker
uh, dick rockets or something. I think we usually go by the dick rockets. Yeah. That has nothing. You know what? You're going to die anyway. It doesn't matter. Okay, fine. Whatever the dick rockets it is. It doesn't matter. I don't have time for this, but you guys have to go make your entrance first because the champions typically go last. It's like a whole status thing. So ah cool I don't know but what kind of music do you want me to put on. I can play some jazz, something rocks, a metal, maybe some rap. Oh my God. Whatever dude, just pick whatever you want.
00:51:29
Speaker
There's a whole production. hey Do you know the song um The Bass Woo? Yes. That one. Play that one. That's a great one. Oh, wait. do Do you mean this one? Yes. OK, I can play that. ah Cool. All right. Got it. And wait. um How many pyrotechnics do you have in this building? All of them. ah Yes, we want all those then. Well, you don't get to have them. They're for the slampires.
00:51:56
Speaker
OK, that's very good. We can probably light up a couple of sparklers for you. Yeah, yeah, we can definitely just a couple. Yeah, and now we can have it. Only a couple of pyrotechnics ever. Right. Wink, wink. You're just saying that to Everett. Yeah, I'm like, only we're only got a couple pyrotechnics, right, Everett? Wink. I don't say wink, but I mean, we yeah, of course, I can ask Jesse anything. Yeah, of course. you will You ask Jesse why we can't have any more. Don't worry, Baird. Triple A. We'll go. Yeah, we'll just have a couple. All right. You know what? Just get out there. They're like.
00:52:26
Speaker
And then you see, like as he's about to mush you guys out the curtain, he's starting to play your music. um You see ah the slampires that you assume are the slampires roll up because they have to go out after you. And you see, there's like a real big kind of oiled up dude. He's got like those kind of like banners like on his arms that really stick out and kind of like highlight his pecs and his and his and his biceps. um yeah Because he has like a matching get up. He's just wearing like some bright ass yellow and pink tights.
00:52:54
Speaker
um or trunks, I guess is what they're called. um And he's got like a bunch of like, like red streaks up and down his chest. And you see another kind of more petite looking gal, um but like very kind of flexible. She's like doing like cartwheels over there. And she's got like a bunch of red streaks down her mouth, and bright blonde hair and blue eyes.
00:53:15
Speaker
Then you see another guy. He's like really he's like darker of skin. Looks kind of more like kind of like a like a Pacific um origin. ah He's got ah like some jet black dark hair and he keeps raising his eyebrows up and down a bunch. um And he says, All right, you keep you can't talk to them until you go out into the ring and like have like a ah back and forth. You have to put the all that has to be on the mic. ah But any cheese like the one just like, Oh, I'm ready to get to sucking.
00:53:46
Speaker
Yeah, okay, yeah And so you guys all right you guys need to go out now. It's time for the match go, okay? and he plays You guys go out to your music right hey, hey turn it down a little bit. I can't hear myself think Okay, let's try that again. Let's try that again. Yeah There you go now. I can now I can talk some shit All right go Um, and Jack laser does like the Vince McMahon walk down. play a little co you walk Okay. But shirtless and shiny with yellow tights on. Sorry. We only have your song for like 20 seconds. I have show to play it again. Yeah. Just keep, that's pretty much all the song anyway, pretty much. All right. All So here comes everyone. All right. Coming down first, we've got Jack please. Who's that?
00:54:39
Speaker
Um, and then Everett, you walk out. Um, what was your stage name? The, the, the bone slayer. Yeah. What does it look like when you come out? Do you pose? Do you do any sort of funny walk? Do you say anything as you walk down the ramp? I feel like she'd have like each side of the like femur or bone or whatever. She had each one in each hand.
00:55:00
Speaker
And she just has him draped across her shoulders. And she's like walking down all cocky. Kind of a frickin' Harley Quinn. Harley Quinn walk with bones snapped in half. All right, and you hear, hey, come on, we got her, mostly. Nobody goes to the boneslayer. Does she slay with bones, or she slays bones? Such a fire.
00:55:25
Speaker
And then and then we have up next, we have the red next layer. What is your what? How do you come down the entrance? I think Gabe's coming down flexing and um and I want I want to ask, can I invoke my beginning of mystery move? Oh, fuck. I've totally forgot to ask you if you had one of those. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, because I got destinies placing at the beginning of mystery. Roll plus weird to see what is revealed about your immediate future. Sure. You know, what go ahead and roll whatever it is you're supposed to roll for that plus weird.
00:55:54
Speaker
right That's seven to nine. You get a vague hint about it. Duke, your your eyes start to as you're walking down the ramp and people are cheering to this killer song that we made.
00:56:07
Speaker
You start to get visions of a large man, also buttered up in a hot dog skin, ah balding in the middle of his head in like a handlebar mustache. And you see um he's just like pounding vitamins in a dark alley somewhere. And he's got big old vampire fangs as he opens up his mouth and starts pounding back his vitamins and saying his prayers.
00:56:33
Speaker
Uh, and you all you hear is like a faint, just like the sound of like pill pills, just like hitting the ground and she's just pouring them all over himself. Um, that's what you see. And then the vision fades and you're in the ring with your compatriots. Oh boy. That's what you see. like oh man Guys, I think, I think Hulk, I think Hulk, my golden is behind us.
00:56:59
Speaker
Actually, actually, actually, excuse me, his name is his name is Junk Brogan. Junk Brogan is a vampire? Pretty sure. actually that I know if it's things all out. God, like a very bad portal. That's why I got this fake spray tan to kind of emulate him. He's all he's so he's so tan. How can he be a vampire? He's so tan.
00:57:26
Speaker
I mean, it's one of my favorites from back in the day. God damn it. Blake said these are also energy vampires, right? So maybe he's like eating the sunlight before it can eat him. Damn. They really say never meet your heroes. Fuck. All right. Well, I'm going to beat his ass. As I always was more like childhood to dreams. Anyway, let's do it. Hey, come on, everybody. I start like pumping away into the crowd. They all start like throwing cans and bottles at you and garbage and toilet paper. Oh, nice. There's some beer still in this one.
00:58:04
Speaker
All right. And then they come out in here. We have.
00:58:17
Speaker
And everybody goes woo woo woo woo. And then they all start to get really tired as they're cheering. the face the The place gets really thunderous for a minute. Then as they come out and start waving and looking at all the people in the crowd and pandering and clapping and flexing, you see like the crowd starts to get a little more tired and they all start sitting down much sooner. But still like there's a cheer. They just sound like less energetic now.
00:58:37
Speaker
um And then you see the gazpacho man Ivana and the Hoover jump up into the ring like literally they jump like a fucking Mario sibling up over the ropes without touching them into the into the ring Uh, and they're given, they all give you guys microphones and here one says, Oh yeah, get, get, get ready to get your life sucked into the grounds of hell, little man. And he's looking like right down at you, um, uh, Jack laser and he's a big boy. I, uh, I take get my microphone. and oh yeah Have you ever, have you ever seen your brains run out of your asshole?
00:59:20
Speaker
He says, no, that's disgusting. What's going to happen to you whenever I so pile drive you straight into the bottom of this canvas, buddy? Your brain is going to shoot right out of your ass. Oh, yeah. I like the way you talk, little man. Thank you.
00:59:37
Speaker
And then Ivana takes hers and she looks over at you, Everett, and she goes, you are nothing but a rainbow-haired piece of shit. And I am going to suck all of you dry and then put you into litter box where you belong. She puts her hand behind her ear and she's like, what's that? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear with the things that are in your mouth. um All I heard was blah, blah, blah. I'm a dirty, blood sucking whore.
01:00:06
Speaker
ah No, no, that is not what I'm saying. Hang on. Let me say it again. My English is getting better. I said you are a piece of shit. And and no, wait, you're fucking with me. ah You're a piece. You're a piece of shit. Yeah, that's about evident. Yeah. Hey, no, no, no. Why don't you really manipulate someone because you're definitely getting under her skin. You found a weakness for her as she does not understand some things that people do. She's easily confused. There it is.
01:00:35
Speaker
that would be plus charm eight and eight yeah you can see like that like she keeps starting to repeat herself and she's like you see like her compatriots are kind of getting embarrassed for her because she's like no no wait no you are a piece of shit that i said you are as in you the person i'm looking at not me the you you you not me you she's just making mocking faces at her I ring the damn bell and you see like then the other guy grabs the microphone. He goes, let me tell you something. I'm the Hoover here. All right. And he looks over at you, Gabe, and he says, all right, the only person here that can suck more than we do is this son of a bitch right here. If you can smell what I'm sucking in. Well, you definitely suck. Nobody asked you rainbow hair goon.
01:01:25
Speaker
ah cheap Nobody else was going to say it. and simple He says, what do you have to say for yourself over there? You're a redneck slayer. So what does it even mean? Do you sleep with rednecks or you are a redneck? Come on. Gabe takes the magazine. I'm going to crush you with my thighs like a powerful woman against a watermelon. And I'm not even going to bother with my hands blowing you up against the you come in the woods. You come and start and shit. I'm going to fuck you up like Friday, fried chicken in a garbage dispenser. I'm going to fuck you up.
01:02:06
Speaker
I'm gonna squash her head with my legs like a powerful woman with a watermelon. Kimmy, that's you! I know I was literally gonna say Kimmy's gonna be so proud right now. I just think it's so funny that he said his analogy was that I'm gonna crush you in between my legs like I do with watermelons. He's like like a powerful woman who would do that with a watermelon because they are better at it than I am. um I think that's so that's hilarious. That's so fucking funny.
01:02:34
Speaker
And he goes, we have the force of the hips. He's like, man, that is a very specific thing that you just said that you're going to do to me. And I don't appreciate it. That's a damn ref. Ring the goddamn bell. And then the ref rings the bell and they start charging at you immediately. And um the gazpacho man throws like starts throwing fists at you, ah at you, Jack laser. What do you do?
01:02:57
Speaker
um As he runs, I do... What's something I do in wrestling? i I fall back towards the rope and I bounce off and I run at him and try to do a clothesline. So he throws some punches, you fall back and you spring off the ropes and do a try to do a little lariat? Yeah.
01:03:12
Speaker
Alright, roll a kick some ass for some lariat rolls. I think that's a fun one. I barely know yet. I got a nine on that sucker mix. That's a nine. So yeah, something that you see something that you see in wrestling sometimes when somebody like bounces off the ropes, they go to do like a lariat and like you see like the guy that they're hitting kind of.
01:03:31
Speaker
absorbs a lot of the blow, but staggers a little bit. So your first blow, you're just like you hit him a clean hit across the chest with your arm and he staggers maybe like two feet, but then just like like takes off his glasses and starts like just like powering self up. And then he bounces off the rope and clotheslines you. So how much harm would you say that your clothesline would do like what to maybe like um are you proficient? Not on fighting? No, I have my other findings ignore armor, but I guess two is fine.
01:03:59
Speaker
You say your unarmed fighting ignores armor? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Fuck, how did I miss that? What is your class? I've never used hard case. I never use unarmed fighting or hand to hand. All right. Well, then, yeah, you just do you just you hit them for two. So you stagger them a little bit more than I thought you would. I didn't know. you might Actually, my actually I have a knife. It's my one harm. Some of my my fish should also be one harm. You know what? I'm going to say that you do, too, because you're Jack laser. Yeah. Your knife doesn't do as much damage as your fists do. I use the knife and I want to go easy on people.
01:04:28
Speaker
right exactly like ah So, yeah, you you stagger him back a little bit and do two harm to him as he staggers. But then he bounces off the rope and he just full on fucking just shoulder checks you out of the ring ah for one harm. I was hoping he did. I was hoping to say he does one to me and then we just we just kind of do that back and forth while everybody else takes their next turn. ah You know what, then maybe not either ring. He checks you against the ropes. Then you bounce off and you hit him. Come here. And he bounces up. we Or he ducks it in and then I turn around. He tries to do me. I duck it.
01:04:58
Speaker
Yeah, there's just a lot of that kind of running back and forth, like a weird game of wrestling tag. um So Gabe, ah you see the Hoover starts coming at you and he starts like he's starting to do like some open hand palm strikes at you. What do you do? I think that game is actually as he does this, he's actually going to drop down on his back. And in ah in ah in ah an a strange turn of events for being So Rednecky, he is going to use the one thing he learned from Tekken. Oh, just kick him in the knees. Oh, no, he because he gave his best character playing Tekken is the ah if I'm going to say this from the capiera capoeira.
01:05:47
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, fuck. What was his name? Something. Oh, man, I had it. I know exactly what you're talking about. so He used to play as him all the time. um But yeah, the one that does the cap where a little spinny, crazy kicks and shit. Yeah. So he's going to try. I feel like he's going to drop on his back to dodge the strikes and he's going to sweep. He's basically going to like almost like what's that? Breakdance, sweep, sweep. Sure. That's what cap where is. OK. Yeah. You know what? I think.
01:06:13
Speaker
I think I want this one to be an act under pressure role ah because he's already kind of laying that assault. So I want to see how you react to like already being attacked with like a flurry of punches. He's trying to literally lay the smack down on you. That would be plus cool for act under pressure.
01:06:32
Speaker
okay ah Yeah, you've rolled an eight so he goes the toe he hits you he probably slaps you across the face a couple of times But like as he goes to do like his big like lariat swing ah you drop to the ground you kick his feet ah He falls to the ground But then he locks his leg around your leg and you guys are in like a weird little like figure for off right now He's trying to like flip you over you're trying to flip him over So you're both on the ground right now pretty much doing like a little leg wrestling contest um And he says, those are some pretty smooth, food smooth moves there, Buster, but not good enough for the Hoover. And he starts trying to do like an alligator death roll to you and just like start spinning you around the ring. um Everett, while that's going on, Ivana is just charging you and she's trying not to just straight up to spear tackle you. She has left the ground with her feet full on. She is parallel to the ground trying to spear you at the moment. She's going to flip the bone club in her hand so that like the like the club part of it is in her like, you know,
01:07:28
Speaker
Sure.
Jack Laser's Wrestling Moves
01:07:29
Speaker
On the opposite side of her hand. Uh-huh. Yeah. And she's just going to try to like swing it and knock her out. She's going to hit her in the head. Oh, OK. You know what? Let's call that and act under pressure as well. that way See if you can get out of the way in time to do a quick little head bonk.
01:07:46
Speaker
um So be plus cool ten that's a big fat 10. Yeah, you do that with ease you do as you you flip your bone around You jump out the way you clock her right in the dome She goes sliding like a baseball slide out of the ring. You're a sheet And she just crashes into the audience and takes out a bunch of chairs or she pretty much baseball slides out the bottom rope Very nicely done um Do you say anything? Do you want to take any additional actions? We can start again with you.
01:08:12
Speaker
She was just gonna, after she fell I out of the ring, she was just gonna run over there and like sit on top of her and then shove the other, like the sharp part of the bone into her chest and try to kill her. Oh yeah, you're trying to stab her already? Okay, so you're gonna jump out of the ring after her, she crashes into the audience and jump on top of her and try to stab her?
01:08:34
Speaker
Yeah I see her like hit her in the head and then like she slides out from under like uh under the first like uh rope. I don't know anything from wrestling so like I'm just winging this right now. Okay so then um she crashes into the people. I see her kind of dazed for a minute and so like Everett starts taking off running and then like does an intentional slide on her like side of her leg you know how like Sure, like a baseball do that in movies. Mm hmm. And then she like slides out underneath that first rope and then just basically tackles her and then jams the sharp edge into her chest. All right, sure. Let's have that. Let's have that be a kick some ass roll for for trying to well'll say, like, since you days during your role so high, yeah you jumping back on top of her isn't going to cost you a role. We'll just see how well you you skewer her with your bones.
01:09:30
Speaker
for You got a four. That's okay. you still You're still on top of her. ah So like you still manage because you did such a good cool role. Also, that's the next piece. So you jump on top of her and like just she gets her her forearm up just in time. So like you have this thing this thing like inches from her chest and she goes,
01:09:49
Speaker
What is that, bone? You're trying to stab me with bone? So you're you're not bone slayer. You're just boned with slayer. Slayer, no? And she's like, either way, this is stupid. Stop it. I'm almost texted from Dexter's laboratory all of a sudden. ah You are stupid. You are stupid.
01:10:07
Speaker
And so right now she is currently like tussling with you and you guys are like kind of like rolling around on the floor She like flips you over her you flip back over on top of her continuously trying to stab her So that's the scene going on in the audience and you can feel I say ah ever since you're there You can feel that like energy is being pulled from around you. There's like a weird cold air around you from like all the warmth from the audience you think you'd feel with all the breath and the cheering and all the body heat. It's weirdly cold out in the audience and you can feel that by Vanna beneath you is becoming warmer um as you are struggling with her and you see her eyes are getting like bright red as you guys are wrestling outside. So keep that in mind for when your next move comes around. um So Jack, Lazer, you're currently having like a clothesline off with gazpacho man Randy Slurpage. What do you do?
01:10:58
Speaker
Um, as I turn around the second, one of those second few times, uh, second, one of the second few times, you know, one of like, like third or fourth, second, second few times. Sure. Um, I, uh, I, I instead of like just running on the, on the ground and doing an arm out, I kind of just jump into a flying clothesline this time. Oh, try and take them down to the ground.
01:11:17
Speaker
Sure. You know what? I like that. try do ah do a Are trying to inflict like harm to him? are you're trying to Absolutely. so lutely All right. So you're going to do a flying clothesline. I like that. Do a do a get some ass roll. I forgot what he described. Is his chest also bare?
01:11:33
Speaker
Yes. it's Well, it's bear in that like he's not wearing a shirt or anything, but yeah. yeah Nice. He has like a little cocoa butter on it and there's like designs and like kind of like. Yeah. And I'm and i'm slick with oil. We're going to be slipping each line and on each other. That's a 13 for kick some ass. And I got a bonus on that sucker. Yes. I'm getting all the fucking things, bro. Do I get the. I think if you have your bonus, you you pick an enhanced. I don't remember if you pick one and then the other or if you just pick.
01:12:00
Speaker
The one and it says instead pick an enhanced effect. Oh it does. Okay. Yeah, so you pick one or the other so you have it You have it you have advanced kick some ass on a 12 plus I want to say we completely hold the advantage as I smash them into the ground Like some of whatever they're doing sort of reverberates out of them and like it and the other the other Vampire boys or draw thoroughly boys get affected and we all get plus one forward because now they're a little bit frazzled and Sure, so you hit him so hard that you just create like a shockwave. Yeah, some of the energy he's sucking bursts back out and it like hits his boys or whatever. All right, cool. So yeah, we'll say you do two more harm to him. You take him off his feet for the first time in the match. He lands on the ground with a loud thud and just like you see that ah the Hoover kind of like as he's rolling around the ground with Gabe, like starts to hold on to his head, he goes, ah.
01:12:47
Speaker
Damn it. What on earth? um And then you hear from out ah ah Everett, you're out in the crowd and you hear like, oh, no, I was sucking shit. I know. um And as soon as I hit off the ground with him, I like jumped back up, like spring up immediately and like holding my hands up and they're like, go into the crowd. You know what? Here's a few people that haven't been sucked too hard yet. They're like, yeah, we like clap, clap, jack, laser, clap, clap. And I start going clap, clap.
01:13:15
Speaker
but c and youlap very halfass claps going on But like as you smack some of the energy out of these guys like you see the audience kind of livens up a bit and they're like they start to clap louder and they start to shake the place a little bit and you see some they're starting to kind of get behind you because they've never seen anybody really take it to the slam pyres before I don't know if it's too soon yet, but is there a microphone still laying around somewhere? Or is there a guy outside? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just set up the match almost immediately. Okay. We need to get some, hold on. We need to get some life in this arena. Come on, everybody. Whoo! You know what? Roll, manipulate somebody against the audience and see how much you're reasoning right now. Seven makes success. Fuck! I mean, a seven's so pretty good. So yeah, you're livening some more people up. You know, it's not a failed roll. I want to move over immediately. Yeah.
01:14:01
Speaker
Uh, so yeah, so like you start clapping, you said you wanted to win the motor. Yeah. Well, you know what? You get the ones that are behind this. It says, it says, i I have to do something to show them that I mean. And I see everybody's kind of like, oh, okay. It's like, I tap my elbow and I drop an elbow on the guy again.
01:14:16
Speaker
Not to hurt him, this is just for show. You know what? i You know, roll kick some ass anyway. I think it'd be funny. ah Since he's on the ground, you you tap your elbow. jean Thirteen. a Thirteen t is dead. You drop a fucking elbow on him and you hear like a rib crap and goes, Oh, no. um As you you know, i I want to do double harm. That way it does for and I want to use finish. you Oh, fuck. i Roll it again. Roll it again.
01:14:45
Speaker
Cause if you six, fuck so I go to like, grab his head. I'm like, all right, buddy. Now I'm exposed. to So yeah, you do for damage to him. And then ah like he's holding on to his ribs and then you go to like, grab a hold of him and you leave yourself exposed. And he does the classic low blow um hits you right in the twig and two bits. And i the microphone is like laying on the floor next to me. I'm like.
01:15:11
Speaker
so wow Sorry about that. audience um And so, yeah, you have to do some noise reduction on this one. Yeah, you make that loud noise. um And then you see, he spits like a pink mist in your face as you lean over as he's like, you see, like you've bruised the fuck out of his ribs. You can tell you broke something when you landed on him. And he spits like a pink fluid, like a pink mist in your face and your face is covered in like this pink goop. um and And now you are totally blinded um and your balls have been punched.
01:15:44
Speaker
um All my balls are fucked. All my balls are fucked. Everybody goes cheering for you, and all of a sudden they go, oh, boo, boo, boo. But they're cheering, but they're booing the low blow. You've seen to have gotten them because you landed that sick elbow, and they got behind you. Now they're angry because you got low blowed. Yeah. So they're on your side. The crowd's like booing the slamp, and you can see the gazpacho man is like, he gets up to his feet holding onto his ribs, and he is just unsettled by the fact that they're booing him right now.
01:16:13
Speaker
Even though they're heels like they're kind of like those fun heels that like people cheer to watch you kick people's asses Well, um but like they're they're booing them like the way that heels are supposed to be booed now and he is unsettled by that um Fucking got him. Yeah, I gave you are currently on the ground You see that the Hoover was about to do like a sick move but then like this concussive blast from Jack laser like disorient somebody's holding on to the side of his head he goes ah what in the world ah God damn it, I was just getting ready to do some more sucking. What do you do, Gabe? Gabe's going to push push himself up and I feel like he's going to flip. He's going to do what he said. He said at the beginning. You're going to you're going to crush. He's going to. I feel like he he pushes him up and he's just going to since they're both on the ground and the guys holding his head, he's going to literally flip flip over and just. That is.
01:17:09
Speaker
between his thighs is start squeezing. Okay, so you you like as he's disoriented, you wrapped your legs around his head. ah And you do have a plus one forward that Jack laser gave you and to Everett, as you can use this for this role. um Yeah, I like it a lot. I think that's great that you're owning up to that, ah that you're following through. So go ahead and roll a um You know, let's just call it a straight kick some ass roll. I think that this is definitely going to put the hurt on him. So you've got the Hoover in a leg squishing position, a watermelon position. Also start thinking about what your finishing moves might be if you want to hit one, because that'll really get the crowd behind you. And this is a paying gig, by the way. um So that's a so ah nine on kick some ass as you and you have a plus one forward from your friend. Oh, that was worth a plus one.
01:18:00
Speaker
Oh, you added the plus one already. Okay. So that's a nine. Um, yeah, you wrap your legs around them. Let's say you squeeze them for, we'll say at least two harm. Um, as you have your legs around him, he screams and goes, ah, I don't like it that way. Oh God, I can feel your junk. They're so warm on the back of my neck, but not the kind of warm that I like. Ah.
01:18:18
Speaker
And he's like trying to wiggle out. Then he says, oh, wait a minute. And he just like starts like he powers up his legs, like pushes you towards a turnbuckle. And he hits your head on the bottom, the bottom of the post below the bottom turnbuckle to free himself from your leg squeeze. And he hits you for too harm on the metal buckle or on the metal rod ah that holds the turnbuckles up. um And you're both lying there kind of dazed on the ground right now. It's like he's holding on to his neck like, ah, oh, God.
01:18:47
Speaker
Oh, God. So do you want to take another action? So you're a little dazed, but you are not confused. All right. I think. OK, so I'm up against the turn. OK, so I'm going to I've game is going to grab on to the turnbuckle and swing his legs up against it. And I use it to kind of springboard because he's holding on to the kind of like he's going to use. He's getting it. He positioned himself to So he's, uh, his legs are like, um, what's the opposite of what already is kind of like, uh, you're pulling yourself up onto the turnbuckle from the bottom post. Sort more like he's, he's, he's pressing his legs against the turnbuckle. So like he has his legs yourself to launch. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you're you're kind of pulling yourself up onto the one turnbuckle and kind of like a prepare to launch situation. Um, okay. And what are you going to do from that position?
01:19:46
Speaker
I am going to redneck headbutt this guy. and what's ah is that your Is that your signature move? Yeah. What does there what does that look like? He kind of says to me, he goes, all right, all right. You think you're smarter than me? Let's see how you're here. Fine. when We want to play head games. Let's play head games. Head games. I like that. and And he launches himself head first to do his guy's head.
01:20:13
Speaker
OK, he is kind of laying in that position because he hasn't really maneuvered himself yet. He just kind of shoved you towards the turnbuckle. So you just like, yeah, roll. I think that's good. ah Roll another kicks a mass. And you know what? I think I like the word play. I think ah with with him being a talker, I think that's good. So take a plus one on top of that. That's pretty funny. ah we And I'm adding it ahead of time to see. OK, gotcha. Gotcha.
01:20:36
Speaker
oh Yeah, that's enough. That's a big fat 12 for your kick some ass roll for your redneck headbutt Go ahead and so yeah, I'm gonna say that because like he was already dazed and that's your signature move that does three harm and ah You can go ahead and take your additional effect if you'd like whichever one you want I'm gonna inflict terrible and one More harm. Yeah So four-harmed total with your signature move. Signature moves typically set people up for their finisher move. So you have put the you have put the Hoover exactly where you need him. Like you fire off that lower turnbuckle, you nail him right in the fucking dome. ah He is just like, he does like a very comedic, like he stands up to his feet and he's like wobbling back and forth, very cartoonishly bouncing off the ropes, trying to hold himself up. He just like, you can tell that dude is on dream street. He has no idea where he is right now after the redneck headbutt.
01:21:30
Speaker
Uh, very good. Very nice. And I'm, you know what? That was so good. I'm going to reward you with an experience point as well. Cause that was just so fucking cool. yeah Um, all right. Um, so we jumped over to Everett who was wrestling with Ivana in the crowd. Uh, you see, she lets out like a loud scream from the concussive blast that Jack laser blasted through this arena. Uh, and you get your bone a little bit closer to her, but she's struggling fighting you now because like her eyes are still lit up red and she's like, not today, Dom beach. What do you do?
01:22:02
Speaker
Excuse me, what did you just call me? What are you working now down beach? She's gonna like me her in the girl groin. And the girl. Okay. So that she can shove the bone further into her chest. You're just gonna like just straight up just pick up a knee and just near in the groin and then try to okay.
01:22:29
Speaker
ah You know what? Yeah, let's call that. What we'll call it the girl dick. We're going to she's going to she's going to near right in the girl dick. Is this what an effort signature moves is the girl dick kick? Yeah. OK, the girl dick. She she calls she calls it the horror wrecker. The horror wrecker. Oh, that's good. That's good. I like that a lot. The horror wrecker. Fuck.
01:22:56
Speaker
All right, so you hit with the horror record go ahead and roll kick some ass on the horror record That's just a fun couple of words to say together God damn it. I got a four Wow the horror record actually It's like home record, but horse So are you keeping your four? Um, you don't have to roll a luck. I just want to make sure before I announce what happens. I Mean I have a luck yeah I'm going to use a lock. You're going to use a lock. You're going to use a lock point. OK, so you you that's a 12. So you can pick an additional effect if you like ah for your kick some astral as you nail the whore wrecker into her into her girl, her groin area, her girl dick. um And then she's going to shove the bone straight into her chest.
01:23:47
Speaker
All right, so you're going to inflict harm and um and then shove the bone in her chest. You know what? Yeah, I'm going to say that'll do it if you hit her with the horror wrecker. And that's going to be more than enough to let you stab her in the chest with a bone knife. um She doesn't die right away, but you can tell she is like absolutely struggling because the energy was pulled out of her from that blast from Jack Lazer. She's like kicking her legs the best she can while you're on top of her, but she can barely move as you knee her straight in the girl dick.
01:24:15
Speaker
Uh, she lets like, ah, my girl dick. Oh, um, you've wrecked my whore. Um, uh, and then you step because, Oh no, now you're stabbing my chest right between my, right between my girl balls. Um,
01:24:33
Speaker
She remains just sitting there until she dies. Okay. And she goes, Oh, what a way to go. Oh no. Listen to me as I cry. My final words. I wish I understood anything that was coming out of your mouth. You do sound very like you're in hurting problems, but you know, that's not my problem anymore. And she goes, you are.
01:24:55
Speaker
a piece of sheet and then her eyes turn pale white and she dies and she turns into a pile of ash as she she just as her eyes go pale or the last things that she sees are the lights of the of the arena and your middle finger as she turns into a pile of ash beneath you and you have slain Ivana.
01:25:17
Speaker
ah You know, I got a middle finger just for you and another one just in case if you want to come back, I'm just saying. He says, I'm dead. I'm going to the afterlife. You cannot hear me. I put a ghost screaming.
01:25:34
Speaker
Oh, hello, who are you? ah you Are you out from hell? I'm not supposed to go there, but I guess I could go for a walk. Sure. And you hear that as the phantom begins to faint. All right, Jack Laser, back to you. You're in the ring. You hear the crowd starts to fucking just go nuts as the people standing around Everett are just like rejuvenated as you see. um As you see, she's just standing over a pile of ash in the crowd as you're fighting Oh, and actually you don't see any of that because you're blinded you just hear the crowd roaring about something happening. oh Yeah ah Fuck your balls are broken and your eyes are blinded. What do you do? um What do I do I? Wanna I kind of want to make this guy get shriveled shriveled up like a little raisin as all the power gets sucked back out of them So I don't know how it does. I'm blind. I'm scratching my eyes and uh I have my friend again. I'm like, I need your help everybody Tell me where to punch. Where is he?
01:26:31
Speaker
And you hear some people go east, and other people go, no, that's west. And another person says, counterclockwise. And another one says, to your leafed. No, that's your rat. Backwards, maybe. And they all just start yelling a lot of things at you at once. I go counterclockwise. I'm going to counterclockwise clean his clock off.
01:26:50
Speaker
Oh, and with my fist. OK, roll a kick some ass, but it'll be at a minus one because you know, I got a failure either way. Yeah, you do like a blind swing and the crowd goes boo boo. And then you see that you feel the nacho man grabs a hold of you from behind and then just does what's called a German suplex, which essentially they grab you by the waist from behind and they throw you backwards onto your back and your head and your shoulders.
01:27:18
Speaker
Um, and he just grabs you and just like sternum suplexes you backwards. And then you just like land with a loud thud for three harm. And you hear him go, Oh, yeah, little man, I'm here to fuck you right up and suck you dry. Gross. Also, don't forget ah their their master is still somewhere around that you have to get.
01:27:46
Speaker
um ah And ah so the gazpacho man picks you up ah by the throat and then you can feel him like breathing into your neck. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Smells like you puny little man. When well now I know where he is, I'm going to I'm going to bring both my arms down and just actually chop my shoulders. What did you just punch your microphone? Yeah, I'm doing my motions in real life. That's what I thought you were doing. I actually chopped both my arms on top of his shoulders.
01:28:16
Speaker
Oh, you do a double accent. OK, Rola, you know what? I'm going to say that that's probably a freebie because like you don't do a lot of harm to him, but you chop him down before he can start biting you. So you break yourself free, but you still have like a hand on him as you chop down onto him. He drops you before he can start biting you because he was going to bite you a bit. Yeah. So what do you do now?
01:28:36
Speaker
um wanna to put my gun out I was gonna say the goop's kind of starting to fade from your eyes a little bit now that like you've been thrown around like some of it kind of fell out so you kind of see like a haze around like it is like just like you know like when you have fresh chlorine in your eyes from the pool like there's a kind of like rainbows around your eyes it's kind of like squiggly and hard to see Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna put on a show I I like slap them on the chest and push myself away from them and I return and run onto the gun to the ah the Turnbuckle and I can jump up on it and I jump back off and in the same motion do a spinning frog Splash down on him spinning frog splash down fuck um You know what that sounds like it's gonna be pretty cool And I would like for you to roll plus cool to see if you can make that happen Okay
01:29:24
Speaker
Ah, 13. And guess what? That's a fucking 13. Would you count that as act under pressure since I rolled cool? Because I have advance on act under pressure. Yes, I would call that act under pressure, yes. Yeah, get sucked, motherfucker. No, get fucked even. So what is your advance act of the pressure do? I may choose either do what I wanted or something and something extra or do what I wanted to absolute perfection. I want to s slap all the energy out of him when I land on the floor or when I lay with one. I want to I want to like deflate him completely. OK, you run up and do kind of like a whisper in the wind frog splash looking thing off the top turnbuckle. You land on him. He looks for a brief moment. and You hear it's beautiful.
01:30:01
Speaker
um And then you land on any slowly. He slowly turns his face away as I yeah it's like And you land on top of them like your ribs crashing into his ribs your chest crashing into his chest um Knocking all the air out of his lungs. You hear more bones collapse underneath you ah you feel like this concussive black ah Knocking Gabe and the Hoover out of the ring The ring starts to collapse a little bit one of the turnbuckles on the other end just completely snaps in half and falls down ah So some of the ropes are kind of just like flaccid on the ring um ah Some of the audience gets pushed back a little bit But you hear just like the crowd gets louder the lights start to flicker. They're all just cheering right now They're just the roof is about to literally blow off this place as you feel the building start to rumble um and you you hear um
01:30:50
Speaker
you hear uh uh gazpacho man randy slurpage is like okay all right that was good there buddy i'm just gonna lay here for a minute i guess i'm on the forehead Thank you. And I stand up and I put my fist in the air. And the crowd just goes absolutely nuts shaking the building. um Gabe, you and the Hoover get knocked out of the ring with this concussive blast after and he and the the Hoover is just out of his mind right now because you hit him with the redneck headbutt. And he's just staggering outside like holding on to the railing where the audience is as you kind of roll back to your feet. What do you do?
01:31:30
Speaker
I feel like I'm going to pick up a wooden chair. Nice. And smash it. I feel like it's a smash it against the floor and then stay then rush forward with one of the pieces. Oh, good idea. Good thinking. OK. Gotcha. So you're going to smash it. You're going to have like in both hands, you have like broken pieces of like wood spikes from the chair as you break it.
01:31:55
Speaker
um And you hear him say, no, no, no, hang on. yeah You haven't you haven't felt what the what the Hoover second yet. Don't let's be reasonable. I'm sorry, but only person who's sucking me off is not going to be a Hoover. I learned that from childhood. I'm a Dyson man. All the way. um All right. So you're going to charge him and stab him with the with the wood pieces that you have? Yeah.
01:32:24
Speaker
ah You know what? Roll, kick some ass. I'm going to say you get a plus one on this one too because you you did you brained him pretty good. He's going to be a little harder to dodge. ah So we'll see what you do. That's a tan. What extra effect would you like? You can put him where you want him, inflict terrible harm. I'm going to force them where I want them. And what I want them is on their hard on the stick. You want them the hard on the stick?
01:32:54
Speaker
No, i'm I'm forcing him where I want him. Make sure I'm stabbing him in the heart. Gotcha. Certainly. You stab him. You stab him real good straight through the chest. You hit your your weapon hits true into his strawberry tart. um And he just like grabs ahold of you and he looks at you with eyes wide, starting to lose color, starting to lose light behind them. And he says. You're going to do great in this profession, kid. And I'm sorry. You.
01:33:25
Speaker
now have shown me to smell what you're cooking and what you're stepping in. And most importantly, what's your second? And then he turns into ash in your hands and then just crumbles to the floor. You've defeated the Hoover. Good job. Do you want to do anything else? I think he's just kind of standing there. It's like he's for a moment and he's like, what was the name we were getting for the vampire, the main vampire again? ah Junk Brogan. Yeah.
01:33:54
Speaker
I think he turned and he grabbed one of the Michael junk from the GIS out here so I can whoop your ass like the vampire fucker you are, boy. I challenge you.
01:34:06
Speaker
You hear some music playing. It goes. right right and right and right rain any And then ah you see a guy
Junk Brogan's Challenge
01:34:14
Speaker
comes out. He has a he has ah an electric guitar strapped to him in a bass and and the speaker strapped to his back. He's wearing bright yellow boots, handlebar mustache, ah looks old as fuck, by the way, ah and like has a you know has a swastika on his face as well, because he's that kind of guy.
01:34:31
Speaker
um And he says, he says, Oh, that's it, brother. You've gone and said the wrong name to call out today. And then he leaps, strumming his big ass guitar, launching him high into the air. And he looks like he's about to drop an atomic leg drop on you from about 30 feet up, barely touching the roof as he starts coming down. What do you do? I'm with OK.
01:34:57
Speaker
um I want to I feel like I'm going to OK. so The thing, the whatchamacallits are um broken, right? The the um ah brain's not working for me. The things on the edge of the at least if I remember correctly, one of the one of the turnbuckles is broken. Yeah, one of the turnbuckles fell. ah So, yeah, there's like some slack ah ring ropes on like two of the sides. OK, can I grab that suddenly and try to just try to do what with it?
01:35:29
Speaker
ah Basically grab it and drop on my back and just hold it as. Do you want to try to have him land on the air? Yeah, yeah. OK, javelin it. You can also like javelin. You can javelin it as well. It is attached to the ring, though. OK, roll. You know, what have this be act under pressure because he has launched an attack on you. So it's a counter attack. You need to be able to avoid what he's doing. All right.
01:35:55
Speaker
and That's a nine or yeah. So you grab, you, you get up, you grab ahold of the um of The ring post as you get ready to javelin it and you do so you throw it up and you hit him And you leave a huge well on the bottom of his leg as he's bringing it down um And that throws off his trajectory a little bit, but instead of landing an atomic leg drop He just lands on top of you instead So I'd say you probably do too harm to him and he does too harm to you as he falls on top of you and You guys are both laying on the ground and you hear is like his his speaker like just breaks underneath his body
01:36:32
Speaker
um And he's like, Oh brother, that was a rental. Um, uh, so we go over to Jack laser while that's happening. Jack laser. Um, you have just done an amazing, oh no, actually, no, I take that back. Let's go to Everett first. Cause Everett, uh, just unmuted myself for no reason. You know what she's getting, she but she's going to also, she's going to work with you.
01:36:54
Speaker
um So, Everett, you just finished off your person. You see a guy just like jump pretty much out of the roof ah near the ring on the outside. You see Jack Lazer just did like a sick flip off of the turnbuckle landing on top of Gaspacho man. ah What do you do? She's going to run over there. Well, actually, she's going to grab the bone club that she already shoved through the other one.
01:37:20
Speaker
and put it back in her hand and then she's going to take off running and try to help Gabe. You're going to try to help Gabe? Okay. hu All right. So what are you going to do to help Gabe currently? Like as you're running over there, you see, you see, he just finished off the Hoover. This guy landed on top of him. There's like broken speaker pieces on the ground and they're both laying there kind of like rolling around. What do you do?
01:37:44
Speaker
Well, if he's laying on his, he's laying on his stomach, right? on he' hes He's laying on his back. He landed on top of his, uh, he landed on top of his speaker. Okay. He's just going to run over there and just try to shove the sharp end of the bones club into his chest. Uh, okay. Sure. Uh, roll a kick, some ass roll. And, uh, we'll see how that fares. Um, as he's kind of like laying on the ground, trying to scooch around past Gabe.
01:38:15
Speaker
and Get off my friend you bastard or I'm gonna spank you like a little boy running through a cornfield with no pants on. this Love all these very elongated analogies. That was a dig at me too. Yeah it sure was. It was a dig at Sean. It sure was. I love it. I'm gonna fight you like someone who fights somebody on a night where you fight them.
01:38:36
Speaker
um So you jump down, you try to you try to do this thing. He puts his arm up just in time and you dig the bone ah blade into his arm. He goes, oh, that was my favorite skin, brother. um And you how much harm do you typically do with like a knife or something? Do you have like a standard weapon that you use? I believe so, yes. What do you got?
01:39:00
Speaker
ah One harm for a multi-tool pocket knife. All right, so we'll call that one harm ah since you rolled an eight. So you stab it into his arm, and he says, that's my favorite skin, brother. And then he takes ah one of his just big juicy legs and just boots you in the sternum with it, ah sending you flying into the steel steps behind you for two harm. And his your bone knife is currently stuck in his left forearm as he kicks you away from it.
01:39:27
Speaker
um He says, oh, that's gonna sting. Do I take it out or do I leave it in, brother? a um Gabe, get it out of there so you can stab him.
01:39:38
Speaker
So as you call that out to Gabe, uh, we jumped back up to Jack laser, Jack laser. Uh, you just did a sick flip on top of gazpacho man. Then you gave him a kiss on the forehead and then he stood up and cheered with the crowd. What do you do? As you see now, uh, junk broken, like jump outside of the ring and you see your compatriots are out there and gazpacho man is underneath you.
01:40:00
Speaker
um I leave just got your man to ah Drain out the rest of his life force and I'd go I jumped on the on the what's the top rope and I I've had my feet planted firmly on it with my little soft little footy pads my boots and I I do a squat and I grabbed the Rope with my hands and I rock and a little bit and I shoot myself off of it and I try and do a flying spear and cut for junk broken in half and You're trying to do a springboard i spear, that's pretty cool. I'm gonna unsheathe my knife and I'm gonna point it straight forward and try and chop straight through them. Okay, you're gonna do a springboard knife spear. Alright, that's pretty, you know what? I think you should do another cool first, because that's a pretty complex thing you're trying to do, but that's still pretty fucking cool. Day's pretty cool, and I got a cinnamon mixed success on that one.
01:40:48
Speaker
All right, and I'll roll your kicks a mass and then we'll kind of determine what happens based on your kicks. And Eleven, eleven. OK, so yeah, so you do a six springboard spear off of the top rope down to the floor where he is. um But he very. ah for the most part easily steps out of the way before you could like really hit him with like the springboard part. But you cut him and it turns him around and then you can spear him from the ground um for 11 harms. Not 11 harms. You rolled 11. You know what 11 harms doesn't matter. He's been fired.
01:41:24
Speaker
um you Yeah, you jump through your knife pierces through his belly probably about halfway through but you don't spear him all the way But you're having a very awkward hug with his waist as you spear him take him to the ground and you had your knife buried in his gut um I'm gonna say you do one harm with your knife and we'll say do at least two harms because of the six spear What extra effect would you like by the way?
01:41:47
Speaker
Oh, let's look at the options. Yeah, options are good. I can gain the advantage plus one forward or give it to another hunter. I can inflict terrible harm plus one harm. I can suffer less harm, negative one. I can force them where I want them to be. Since I fucked up my active pressure but not my kick smash, am I going to be open to be getting hurt or no? Unless you choose to suffer less harm, yes, you will still be open to getting hurt.
01:42:14
Speaker
I'm going to suffer less harm, minus one, because I'm almost dying. No, you're not. i have sorry I'm almost on the dying spectrum. I'm almost almost almost unstable. Is it gonna say you're not close to dying? But yeah, that was a good move because yeah, typically even if you succeed on your kicks and ass roll, you still exchange harm most of the time. I just forget um because I think what you're doing is always cool. But yeah, so you spear him to the ground ah and he thrusts a knee up into your gut, which would have been for three harm, but because you suffer less harm, you take two instead as he rams a knee into your gut and you see just like gushing goop, like black goop out of his tummy where you shanked him.
01:42:52
Speaker
Uh, he goes, what's your deal, brother? You could be like me. I could make you live forever. Come on, let me give you a little bitey bite. I'm all natural, baby. I can make you live forever. You wouldn't have to freeze yourself anymore. I know who you are. I didn't do that by choice. It was done to me. Yeah, then I'm going to bite you because I'm going to do it to you as well, brother. No, someone help me. It's not my turn anymore.
01:43:19
Speaker
Dave, it's your turn. that He's been fought off. I forgot he has a guitar of it like it's been kind of like taking out a fucking function because he's been laying on the ground this whole time. um But yeah, so to set the stage, you guys are all standing outside the ring closest to one of the sides of the crowd.
01:43:34
Speaker
Imagine the ramp you walk down and you walk to the right. It's that side of the ring. ah That side of the ring, the the one turnbuckle is collapsed. So some of the ropes are slack. um And they're hanging out of the ring because Gabe used it ah as a projectile to hit him when he jumped out of the air. um And yeah, you see he's got like a bunch of black goop bleeding out of his tummy. And he just kicked Jack laser right in the gut and tossed Everett into the steel steps. What do you do? ah I think I think Gabe is sees all this and he he he he is going to do something worse than staking this guy. Alright, what are you going to do that's worse than staking the guy? ah Gabe is going to pull him forward and headbutt into his teeth and try and basically try to smash his fangs and jaw.
01:44:29
Speaker
okay Very cool. Okay. You, uh, yeah, that's just going to be a straight kick some ass roll, I think, or a head butt, some teeth roll, I suppose. Yeah. And I think he's going to, he says he's doing this. Hey buddy, I'm more than you, you've bid off more than you could chew.
01:44:48
Speaker
Okay. We're all kick some ass plus tough. Oh, I'm spending a fuck on this. You're going to spend a lot. Okay. That's a good, that's a good choice. What's your luck special? I look special is the keeper will bring your fate into play. OK, cool. ah Yeah, you slam your head into the oh yeah, what's the extra your effects you want for your kick some ass, by the way? I am going to do terrible harms.
01:45:15
Speaker
Terrible harm. You headbutt him in the mouth. ah When you pull your head back, his fangs are planted firmly in your head ah as they have been completely removed. um and Like what's broken parts of him are in your head. And um yeah, you knock his teeth out and he just falls to the ground just like tears start coming out of his eyes. I said, no, brother. No. um And just like blood starts coming out of his mouth. ah You have defanged this master vampire.
01:45:45
Speaker
um As he's on the ground we go to Everett as you have done your slick line and you've headbutt him in the face ever What do you do?
Climactic Battle and Victory
01:45:54
Speaker
She's gonna get up from the floor since she got tossed sure sure sure um and then Wow So is he like completely dead yet? No He's just on his knees crying because he's bleeding from his mouth and he doesn't have fangs and he has a bunch of black goop coming from his gut So he's pretty close okay she's gonna pull her phone out and be like yeah hey Buffy yeah hey it's your cousin uh Everett um say do you want to like give me some pointers on uh killing a vampire really fast because like this guy he's like not wanting to die
01:46:31
Speaker
OK. Yeah. So after your phone call ah through your phone, she e-mails you what's called the Steakmaster 5000. And it is the most perfect carved, like polished, silvered, ah but yet still wooden steak, silver lined wooden steak you've ever seen in your life. It's perfect. um It looks like a freshly sharpened number two pencil, but as a steak with silver on it.
01:47:00
Speaker
um And but she's going to have Jesse like make it like real. Oh, it's real. He hands it to you right out of your phone. Oh, OK. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, you have that. you She emails you back and says or she messaged you back and just says, like, ah see you first. See you at Halloween at my Halloween party. We'll see.
01:47:27
Speaker
um And so yeah, so what do you do? So you have the steak master 5000? She uses the steak master 5000 and just shoves it straight through this guy's chest. You do that. I'm not even going to make you roll for it because he is just sitting there weeping. You stab it through his gut or through his back or his chest, however way you do it. And like a big ah black explosion emanates from him upwards into the ceiling, ah bursting a hole through it.
01:47:56
Speaker
As the light pours through, just incinerating him on impact, and he turns into a little pile of ash with a mustache on top of it. It's a must-ash. Yeah. Must-ash-ash, sis.
01:48:13
Speaker
Yeah. And so out of that one. Yeah. So all that's left, all that's left. I'd say that you guys are pretty much out of combat at this point ah is the gazpacho man, Randy Slarpich, who was laying um clinging to life in the ring. And you see his fangs start to disappear. um And ah his his normal color of eyes start to return to him and he's laying there breathing and he goes, huh?
01:48:43
Speaker
Oh, I think I'm OK now. What happened to my voice? How long have I been dead? Oh, oh, God, my ribs are broken. I'm dying. Oh, no. Is that you, God? Are you calling me? And he's just kind of talking to himself in the ring for a while, trying to resolve the fact that he might be dying. What do you guys do?
01:49:04
Speaker
So that was um was that the guy I flattened? Yeah, that was the guy you flattened in the ring and just left them there to perish ah because he didn't die before Junk Brogan died. ah He's turned back into a human. Didn't they choose to become his Thrall? They did originally. They sought out to make a deal with the vampire to get stronger because they weren't doing well beforehand. Oh, and in that case, i ah I thumb my nose. All right, guys.
01:49:29
Speaker
Let's do an epic exit of this arena, because we just won this fucking match i with my hands in the air, and then the music goes... Everett, do the fucking fireworks we talked about. You got it.
01:49:44
Speaker
and She hits a few buttons on her ah smartphone and next thing you know fireworks go everywhere fireworks go everywhere the whole place burns down um yep As you guys exit with flames rising above you everybody's cheering you as they all die from smoke inhalation and you have Finished my epic puzzle and you are all rewarded with the paychecks that the heels were supposed to get the slam pyres with $47,000 each holy fuck i gotta
01:51:02
Speaker
well does it look good already
01:51:28
Speaker
look good already?