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EP. 88 Edward Scissorhands (1990)
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Transcript
Introduction and Film Discussion Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to, we can just come out and say this is a banked, a vaulted episode of two guys, one screen. um The Poe Town boys, the hemorrhoid homies, Gerald just squeezed out a fart.
00:00:14
Speaker
Yeah. um The edgelord himself. My name is Nick. And I'm Gerald. And today we're reviewing 1990s. Who's old as fuck? ah Edward Scissorhands.
00:00:28
Speaker
o We're recording this on February 16th. We'll see when it hits the airwaves. Maybe never. It'll probably come out eventually. and' i mean, at some point, we have a lot of vaulted episodes. I mean, currently the vault is Zathura, Luca,
00:00:50
Speaker
ah We have the menu with Jake and this. That's currently the vault. In two weeks, we'll have more.
00:01:00
Speaker
But right now, that's currently the
First Impressions of 'Edward Scissorhands'
00:01:02
Speaker
vault. We don't know what's going on in the future. Maybe World War III has already happened. Who knows? Maybe there's been a nuclear holocaust. i mean who we We're headed that way.
00:01:13
Speaker
That's fucking... Oh, God. Yeah, but low-key, last time, it was kind of low. Test the buttons, Nick. figured you upped it in post. I can't do much in post. I kind of suck.
00:01:25
Speaker
Oh. That's fine. ah Yeah, Edward Scissorhands. I have not seen this movie in a very long time, and I watched it and was like, did I ever really watch it? I'm not sure.
00:01:36
Speaker
This was my first viewing, but fun fact about this. ah back when it what Back when it was ABC Family, like during Halloween, they would play it, right? And I saw like a commercial for it and it scared me as a kid.
00:01:51
Speaker
Yeah, I could see this being scared of children. This kid's got fucking scissor hands, dude. It's definitely like, and I don't know. It's still like an uncomfortable movie in a little in little ways.
00:02:05
Speaker
at the times it's ah times At times, it definitely is. But it definitely smells like Tim Burton, you know? I mean, it has this movie has Tim Burton written all the fuck over it. This is a Tim Burton, Danny Elfman combination, John. So this is two years after Beetlejuice.
00:02:24
Speaker
Yeah. And also the same year as movie called Crybaby that Johnny Depp was in. That movie's terrible. Shout out my cousin for recommending that movie, but it sucks.
00:02:37
Speaker
Do you know Johnny Depp's first ever movie? Was it Nightmare on Elm Street? Yes, it was. Congratulations. Bango, bango, furry triangle. That's big mouth.
00:02:49
Speaker
Yep. um I guess we'll do... Plug it in, plug in. So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen
Engagement: Social Media and Audience Interaction
00:03:00
Speaker
pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com.
00:03:07
Speaker
Follow us on Tik TOK. Follow us on YouTube. Follow us on letterboxd. And if you're feeling so inclined, send us a voicemail to five Oh eight, eight fist us five, eight, eight dip tip.
00:03:24
Speaker
It's all linked in the description, but you already know. ah show I'll be there for you. You're already snow university. Or maybe you don't snow because you're a new listener. In that case, welcome. Welcome.
00:03:35
Speaker
I don't know. I don't know what else to say. That's, that's the bottom line.
Johnny Depp and Cast Filmography
00:03:40
Speaker
I got high winds in two hours.
00:03:44
Speaker
What a report. The weather reported my bottom left corner. Um, Yeah, as we said, this is a Tim Burton John. Danny Elfman John scored it. 1990. Here is your cast.
00:04:04
Speaker
We have Johnny Depp, who plays one Edward Scissorhands. That's going to scare some people. Yeah.
00:04:15
Speaker
I feel like Johnny Depp could get the fucking dick down. know what mean? In this movie? Or in general? In general. Oh, so that's the thing. Are we doing it with the movie appearance or just in general?
00:04:28
Speaker
I guess it is the movie appearance because of the Harry Potter thing. Yeah. So in this movie, it'd probably be a skip. He's pretty ugly. Yeah, he's pretty fucking disgusting. Yeah. wow I mean, he dressed up as a gimp.
00:04:41
Speaker
Most Johnny Depp movies, he looks gross. I'd fucking, I'd fuck Jack Sparrow. Bro, his teeth are fucking gnarly. I'd give it to him. He hasn't showered in years. know I wouldn't stick my dick in his mouth, but.
00:04:54
Speaker
Nah, right. You know. Just like stroke me, right? I'd probably fuck him in Cry Baby. He was fuckable in that movie. I just watched him. He's bad, but I'd probably fuck him in that. I'd probably fuck him in Public Enemies.
00:05:05
Speaker
Okay. Just dress him like a gangster. Yeah. Probably fuck him in that too. Probably fuck him in Alice in Wonderland. Give me that Mad Matter Todd. I not. Yeah. I don't remember him in that movie.
00:05:16
Speaker
That's a bad movie. That's probably why. Sweeney Todd is going to be a skeeep. not fucking him in that. That's probably best looking. I'm probably fucking him in Friday the 13th, Nightmare Before Elm Street, for being honest. Was he legal?
00:05:31
Speaker
He's a hot teen. He might not have been legal. Young teen gets stuck in the... All right.
00:05:40
Speaker
are you fuck i know Are you fucking in Rango? Are you fucking that lizard? That gecko? Probably not. Is he the lizard? Yeah, he is. Those little eyes kind of freak me out.
00:05:52
Speaker
Yeah, I got the 4K steelbook of that. Don't ask why. It's by Gore Verbinski, who has juice, just so you know. um All right, so that's a... He ain't fucking it.
00:06:06
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. ah This is actually a little bit of trivia for you guys. The second Tim Burton movie we've directed, directed, we've reviewed.
00:06:17
Speaker
Don't listen to our Beelgeuse Beelgeuse episode. I'll
Plot Summary and Key Scenes
00:06:20
Speaker
be honest, nothing stands out in that episode to me. It's mid because the movie's mid. The mid movie, mid episode. Besides, I think we had the Sorbo thing was in that episode. Possibly. Yeah, that's back when we were also doing scene by scenes for new releases.
00:06:37
Speaker
Which, no more. that's That's not easy to do. Not a must. We can say that's in our past. Yeah. You know how hard it is to take notes in a theater while watching a movie? How hard it to jerk off in a theater? It's fucking hard, dude. i don't know. That's Pee Wee Herman. No, never mind. He's dead.
00:06:53
Speaker
We got Winona Ryder who plays Kim. She can fucking get it, but the problem is the age, as you mentioned. 1971, we are chilling. We're chilling.
00:07:05
Speaker
The blonde hair is a little weird. i like it. I like it. I'm for it. It's different. You know? yeah she was wearing my Oh, my God. She's wearing some crop tops in this. I was going to bust a nut.
00:07:18
Speaker
ah So with Eddie. Also, i wanted to say there is something with with Tim Burton, because this is also two years after ah nineteen eight one year after the 89 Batman movie.
00:07:32
Speaker
Did we put out Batman and Beale just the same year? Now, Beetlejuice was 88. Okay, so 89. So he had Beetlejuice, Batman, and then this? This guy's a fucking legend. Homie was cooking. Homie had some sauce back in the day. how And, like, they're not they're not bad movies, you know?
00:07:52
Speaker
No, I mean, this one is kind of mid, but it's not bad. This like, out of those three, you know? He goes, like, good movie, amazing movie. good How would you rank those three?
00:08:03
Speaker
That's probably going to be hot. that's Batman's number one, right? I think it has to be. For me personally, the sentiment, it's probably number one. I don't love Beetlejuice as much. I think Beetlejuice would be two.
00:08:18
Speaker
And then this. Yeah, you're probably right. I think. For me. You know what this movie reminded me of? Two Tim Burton movies, back to back. You know what this movie reminded me of? Back to back. What did to remind you of?
00:08:30
Speaker
Pleasantville. Never seen that. Tobey Maguire. cause not help laterer He did. That's true. He did it. ah We have Diane West or Weist. I'm sorry. Who plays Peg.
00:08:48
Speaker
I'm out on her.
Analysis of Burton's Style and Themes
00:08:50
Speaker
She kind of looked like Umbridge. Yes. She kind of Harry Potter. Stereotypical mom. What what year does this movie take place in? By the way.
00:08:59
Speaker
You tell me, kid. Is it like 50s, It has that Wes Anderson vibe to it for sure. It has Cat in the Hat vibes, dude. Bo Welsh. I texted you.
00:09:11
Speaker
I was like, this movie is fucking crazy.
00:09:17
Speaker
Yeah. Hold on, I'm going back to what I said. you said it like You said Sweeney Todd and Cat in the Hat combo, which I don't know if I agree with that. I don't think I agree with that.
00:09:30
Speaker
it's like you' a tim burton movie It's like if Tim Burton directed Cat in the Hat. Well, we should say that Bo Welsh, who directed Cat in the Hat, did, in fact, ah was he up he's it with that he was a production designer on this movie. So that explains like the way the houses looked and all that, and the the color palette. That's saying. Cat in the Hat is not far off from being straight-up Tim Burton movie.
00:09:58
Speaker
It needs a little more, but it's close. Yeah. um I'll be honest. Is there anybody else here that we're fucking? Because feel like the answer is no. That we're fucking?
00:10:09
Speaker
Yeah. No. I don't want to keep hitting the button for all these people. That's a lot of skips. Nah, because most of them were ugly. Yeah, so we'll just put the... He ain't fucking it. For all of them. All right, the rest of this cast. He ain't fucking it. Well, when we get to one person, I'm probably fucking just because of who it is, but...
00:10:28
Speaker
ah Diane West Weist plays Peg. We got Anthony Michael Hall who plays Jim. Yo, this guy. Uh-huh. This is the Evil Dies Tonight guy.
00:10:39
Speaker
That's unfortunate for him. He's taking a fucking fall from grace, huh? Yeah. He sucks. You're in this and I don't like you in this and then you ruined you single-handedly ruined the Halloween franchise.
00:10:53
Speaker
Trust him. Trust him. He ruined it. He's also in The Dark Knight. I don't know who he is in The Dark Knight, but he is in that movie. And he's also in The Breakfast Club, which is a good movie.
00:11:07
Speaker
we Do you not like The Breakfast Club? It's fine. Yeah, you're fine. I am fine. Fuck you. We got Kathy Baker, who plays Joyce. She's horned up in this movie.
00:11:20
Speaker
Bro. ah Yeah. I ain't fucking her, though. Nope. We got Robert Oliveri, who plays Kevin. Kevin!
00:11:31
Speaker
He looks like Jeff R. Curry, if you know who that is. I'll be honest. ah We got Conchata Farrell, who plays Helen. We have ah mentioned her before because she was in Krampus. Go check out that episode if you want a good laugh.
00:11:50
Speaker
She was the aunt. ah Listen to about 30 seconds of that movie or that episode and you'll die. Literally 30 seconds. like All I ask is 30 seconds that you listen to that episode. I know my mic sounds like trash, but I'm sorry that I fucked up. um She's in a bunch of shit.
00:12:10
Speaker
We have Caroline Aaron, who plays Marge. She honestly got some nice thighs. I'll be honest with you. Yeah, she do. Maybe Thiccums. She didn't like 21 Jump Street movies.
00:12:21
Speaker
She had a long-came poly, but he's kind of bad. ah We have Dick Anthony Williams, who plays Officer Allen. This guy was... What's up? He's in a lot of older movies that I haven't seen yet, unfortunately. yeah we can... ah Who that boy... Who him is...
00:12:39
Speaker
Yeah. That applies to most of this cast list. I'll be honest. We have Olan Jones who has been in some big movies and I just don't know who she is. She was in the Truman show Mars attacks. She was in natural killers. One of the worst movies i've ever watched is natural. beethoven The fuck? Kino's putting out a 4k of Beethoven. Get ready.
00:13:02
Speaker
No way. you told No way. Actually. Oh, that's not good. ah i'm fucking I'm fucking the next one. I'm fucking him.
00:13:13
Speaker
Vincent Price, the inventor? I'm fucking Vincent Price, dude. ah Legend. why Absolute fucking legend. Horror icon.
00:13:25
Speaker
Do you want to fill the people in since they're not filled and they need some filling? I mean, yeah, he's been on some absolute legendary movies like House on Haunted Hill. If you haven't seen that, go see it.
00:13:36
Speaker
The Fly? The Fly, dude. The Mosque of the Red Death. Come on, man. The Pit and the Pendulum. Yeah, this guy's everywhere. I'll fucking show you my pendulum. You've seen the Pit and the Pendulum?
00:13:49
Speaker
Yeah, have. it Basically, if there was like an Edgar Allan Poe movie or like a horror movie in the 50s, he's in it.
00:14:02
Speaker
Shout out to Vincent Price. Gerald's fucking you. I'm fucking him. go got Go pick up the Scream Factory Vincent Price collection.
00:14:13
Speaker
We got Alan Arkin who plays Bill. Hey, Bill, he's in the Minions movie. Who that boy, who him is. Sorry for him. He's in Marley and Me. Fun in fact, the only movie made me cry.
00:14:24
Speaker
Still never seen it. He's in Gattaca. Gattaca's a good movie. It is. um I think everybody else is irrelevant. A big-ass cast list for not a lot of people in the movie.
00:14:36
Speaker
We're going to go into the scene by scene and spoil this movie. If you have not seen it, go watch it and come back or sit here and have everyone for you. I want you to know at the very bottom, similar films, you know what's under here?
00:14:48
Speaker
Bridge to Terabithia. Bridge to Terabithia. Go check out our recording on that. Ass movie.
00:14:57
Speaker
Ass movie, but a fun time. Yeah. I
Ranking Burton's Works
00:15:00
Speaker
would say. Actually, we don't really need to promote that episode anymore. It has our highest view count. That's popping. But who knows when comes out? So this it might be old as fuck. So go listen to that.
00:15:11
Speaker
ah The movie opens, you obviously get some some crazy Danny Elfman work. Danny Elfman just fucking laying it down as far as musical composition is concerned. When I die, i want my entire funeral to be just Danny Elfman music.
00:15:25
Speaker
Shout out Danny Elfman. He's dead, isn't he? um I don't want to say that. He did Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Never mind. Yeah, i don't think he's dead. But when this comes out, he could be dead.
00:15:36
Speaker
He's probably old, though. We don't know. There's a lady in Old Lady. who is looking through the window at this big mansion up on a hill. And her granddaughter asked her to read that asked her to tell her a story about why it snows. This is not a story. This is a science lesson.
00:15:56
Speaker
Somebody get Bill Nye.
00:16:00
Speaker
ah And her grandmother, unfortunately, says that it starts with scissors, which just isn't true It's just not, that's not how the world works, kid.
00:16:12
Speaker
Um. This town. And she says that there once was a man who had scissor hands, and the girl was like, he had it, he had his scissors in his hands? And she's like, no, he had scissor hands, you dumb bitch. He,
00:16:27
Speaker
You fucking stupid idiot. It's like he invented the lesbian move scissoring, right? Right. I mean, he looks like a lesbian. If I do this, you know, putting my two index fingers and shit, I'm scissoring my hands.
00:16:40
Speaker
ah you're Right. um And she says that an inventor used to live in that mansion up on the hill and created a man with scissor hands ah and died before he could finish. So essentially he died and then ah Eddie got stuck with it what his fucking scissor hands.
00:17:04
Speaker
That's fucking crazy. This is essentially Frankenstein, right? eight It is a little bit Frankenstein-esque. Frankenstein for you, Journey. Beauty and the Beast, ah even though that romance is horribly written. But bestiality, not good.
00:17:21
Speaker
Not good. No, I mean this movie. Scissors. Not good. No, no. Like that. No, no, um no. And as she's explaining this, it kind of pans. And this is very Tim Bort. v Tim Burton.
00:17:35
Speaker
Tim Borton. Shout out. I can't shout them out. It's too close to my house. Shout out Patrick Warburton. I saw i saved you. Yes. ah as she's explaining this to her granddaughter, it pans over the town, which is very Tim Burton-esque to do in movies. other life It's nice, because I think they're like it's like a miniatures, right? It's like a set.
00:17:57
Speaker
Yeah. Nice little miniatures. Yeah. And we see Edward staring out the window. um and we cut to this neighborhood. I call this a cookie-cutter neighborhood. Every house is the same. yeah They have some different colors. It's very Wes Anderson, Bo Welsh-like.
00:18:16
Speaker
All right, we're going to saying things are inspired by Bo Welsh on this podcast
Humorous Anecdotes and Tangents
00:18:20
Speaker
now. yeah At this point, our cat in the house has already come out. So listen to that. He's a banger. Banger.
00:18:27
Speaker
um We follow this lady who is Peg. And she sells Avon. And she goes door door. Avon is makeup, by the way. Which do you think they got the rights from Avon to use their name like that?
00:18:38
Speaker
I was wondering, man. That's kind of fucking crazy, right? Wild to do that, Tim Burton. um And we follow her to each house. And the first house she comes to ah is where this lady, I believe this is Joyce. Joyce is trying to fuck her plumber.
00:18:53
Speaker
Yeah. and she's fucking wet for everybody. The plumber, his name is Guy. ah And as the doorbell rings, it's Joyce Peg, or it's Peg, and Joyce walks over, she's like, you don't see I got a fucking car my garage? Not the metaphorical sense, in her driveway.
00:19:13
Speaker
ah She's busy, he closes the door. ah We cut, and we follow Peg to a different house where there is this younger girl who's trying on her product in her bedroom, and she loves it, but she's a kid. She got no money to pay for this shit.
00:19:29
Speaker
um Peg also swings by this weird religious lady's house. She's like playing the fucking piano. And she's like, I'm not even bother. She's like, e Like, you are Satan.
00:19:46
Speaker
Peg sits in her car, very frustrated, and in her side. She's like, fuck! damn it! I can't do anything right! Fuck!
00:19:59
Speaker
and In her in our side view mirror, she sees the fucking mansion. um And she drives off towards it. And as she's driving off towards it, it really does look bad.
00:20:10
Speaker
I mean, it's disgusting how it looks. It looks like it doesn't even look like they tried. It looks terrible. Yeah. I'm sorry. But once she gets there, you can tell that's a whole set. It's what we call here chef's kiss. All right. It's awesome. Hey, great.
00:20:27
Speaker
ah So she goes up into ah this mansion and there's a gate at the front. And then once she's like, you're inside, there's like a courtyard and there's all these topiaries. A topiary, if you're wondering, is a bush that's been shaved to look like an animal.
00:20:45
Speaker
yeah like ah You ever fuck a bitch with a, what the fuck do you call it? With a topiary in their front yard? No, haven't. How do you know the word topiary? Because my parents are white.
00:20:58
Speaker
I get it. So remind, we never had topiaries. You had topiary? I never had a topiary, know what the fucking word is. I taught you lattice, and I taught you topiary. Look at this. No, they did ah that red tree. You had bushes.
00:21:11
Speaker
yeah That red tree on the left-hand side that my dad would trim that bush. Yeah, he probably trimmed your mom's bush. I mean, i don't know if he trimmed it, but he definitely was in there.
00:21:22
Speaker
You know what I mean? You were conceived in the 90s, so she definitely had some bush. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? My fucking mother was talking about it. Yo, don't know.
00:21:35
Speaker
Hey, mom. um Yeah, you're not listening, but shout out to you. ah
Character Development: Edward's Journey
00:21:41
Speaker
So, the topiaries. Again, the set design, amazing.
00:21:47
Speaker
In the front yard, the biggest topia, going to keep using that word to blow your fucking balls off. It's a hand. It's just a fucking hand. A big old hand. kind looking like you're holding nuts. Yeah. yeah yeah You ever grab your ball sack you're like, yeah. yeah But it's never like this. It's always inverted because I'm going inward towards my body. but Sure.
00:22:06
Speaker
It looks like if you were to hold somebody else's balls and like suck a cock. That's what it looks like. Yeah, like caress my balls when you suck my cock, right? It's like, right correct because i do something, help me out. Which, by the way, told me.
00:22:19
Speaker
Carlos told me that he got no hair on his balls at all. What a way. He's got hair like ah like a topia on top of his cock. And then he has no hair. Oh, what a lucky guy. You have hairy balls, right?
00:22:33
Speaker
Yeah, of course. Okay. I got a Manscaped. I also have hairy balls. Shout out Manscaped. Give us a sponsor, please. I have hairy balls. Oh, yeah. She knocks on the front door, but it's just kind of open. So she just goes inside.
00:22:45
Speaker
um And we see some big old like gears in the background. It's actually a lab. The door's already open, so i would argue no. Okay. Uh...
00:22:59
Speaker
ah And everything's covered in like cobwebs and dust. And she hears some snips. I don't have a snip sound. Sorry, but she hears some snips and she goes upstairs, but she goes all the way upstairs to the attic where Anne Frank was hiding. Not that one.
00:23:17
Speaker
That's a rut row. ratt Not that one. Opposed to who? No, like not her attic. Oh, you're right. It's not her attic. If Andrew, if Anne Frank it was a guy, would it be Andrew Frank?
00:23:30
Speaker
and Yeah. Andrew Frank is Anne Frank's trans name. Right. how did How did we get here? i don't know. I was looking if I had any scissors to make a snip sound and I don't.
00:23:41
Speaker
I got a stapler. I have a scissor, but it's kind of far away.
00:23:48
Speaker
Definitely cut that. but i can't We can't say that. That's hot. I mean, she's never going to hear this, but it's what it is. She doesn't listen? Maybe I'll clip that for the intro.
00:23:59
Speaker
what a what a fake What a fake fan. I'm happy she doesn't listen. Why? i say horrible things on here. She knows. I talk about my balls way longer than she... She bought you a manscaped.
00:24:12
Speaker
Bro, that's not weird. Look, my my sister my sister has her limits, right? like I can talk to my sister and she can talk to me about our bowel movements and that's not really an issue. But when I tell her about how much my balls smell, she's like, I don't want to that information.
00:24:28
Speaker
right. Well, that's there's a limit. Genital talk off the table. My shits on the table. My sister is essentially my GI doctor. Is your asshole a genital?
00:24:41
Speaker
I don't know. can't show it on TV. So I'm a assuming a genital. Somebody give us a definition of a genital on the fly. Where's our producer? We don't show me your genitals. Show show me your genitals.
00:24:53
Speaker
You know that from? It's a song. It's a song. Yeah, it was like a YouTube song. I'm happy I don't know it. Oh. So we're in Anne Frank's little attic.
00:25:04
Speaker
It's not Anne Frank's attic. I'm sorry. No, because there's a bed in here. Relax. She was on the floorboards. i mean I mean, there's a bed that's like been made out of a fireplace. I'd imagine if she had a bed, that's probably what she did with it.
00:25:17
Speaker
yeah but We're speaking unintelligently. You don't think hers is crusty? I mean, she probably pissed and shit in her own bed, right? What kind of fucking dick cheese do you think she's got building up over there? You know what I How'd they not find her sooner? It probably smells like juice. Right.
00:25:34
Speaker
ah Smells like shite. I smell shite. Yeah.
00:25:43
Speaker
We're four minutes into this movie. I mean, she i mean i mean you got a minus 12 minutes because there was 12 minutes much bullshit before you started recording. So we really haven't gotten that far. Yeah, I remember.
00:25:55
Speaker
The only difference is this roof in this attic has a massive hole. So I wonder if Anne Frank had a massive hole in her roof or the massive hole was just her vagina. Well, she was a kid, so...
00:26:10
Speaker
Moving on. Also, the Nazis would have seen when they were flying their planes, like, Daesh Jew! Oh! Like a Nazi like pilot, he's like, Oh!
00:26:21
Speaker
I see the nose! like It's like when you're going fishing, like, Oh! I caught one! I got it! Gotta reel it in! Hey! Look at that massive bank account!
00:26:33
Speaker
Jew! we're jocon We're joking. We're joking. Jake's Jewish. Okay. I smell the menorah. He is. And I got a huge nose like a Jew. That's true. That is distasteful. We love everybody.
00:26:44
Speaker
We do. But, you know, we we make fun of everybody equally. Well, we made fun of Asian people. We've made fun of fat people. Yep. We've definitely made fun of gay people.
00:26:56
Speaker
Blacks? I mean, all I said was there was no blacks in... Oh, we definitely made fun of blacks. Okay, no, we did. yeah No, you're right. We did. Better watch out, for sure. i i What did we say about blacks in Better Watch Out? Oh, something about, like...
00:27:10
Speaker
Oh, I cut that. Oh.
00:27:15
Speaker
Oh, I cut that. Maybe black people are off limits. Maybe I cut that. No, blacks are not off limits. That's a dicey subject, you know? I would say blacks are definitely on limits. I also made that... Oh, I bleeped that. Never mind.
00:27:28
Speaker
The... That joke. yeah Yeah. Yeah. I just signal that joke. I can't tell you. Tell you. Shout out to Abe Lincoln. If you want to find out. Shout out to Abe Lincoln.
00:27:44
Speaker
Yeah. Check out our. The Patreon we don't have yet. Maybe we'll have it the time this drops. Check that out if you want to know what said. want us to make a Patreon, if you will give us money, let us you know. If you want to know that bad what we said, just check out... We could even do a $2 tier. We could just start off basic, you know? we're not we're not We're not trying to be Jews out here and get all your money. Right. right We're trying to spread the wealth.
00:28:09
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So... She does find this bed that's set up in the fireplace that, as we said, is crusty. And there's some pictures and some
Societal Norms and Gossip in the Film
00:28:20
Speaker
newspaper clippings. And then we see ah Eddie in the corner.
00:28:25
Speaker
They all call him Edward, but I will be calling him Eddie, just so you guys know. I mean, ah the dad calls him Ed. Right, which is funny. It's a funny bit. It is funny. Not as funny as Conrad Convex Concrete, but that' it is funny. That's true. That's the whole time. My man's kind of posted in the corner, like squatting down, like he's taking a shit.
00:28:43
Speaker
I honestly, that's valid. I also thought he was squatting like he was going take an album cover photo. Yeah, like he's like a black metal artist. Like, I'm sad. A black metal artist?
00:28:54
Speaker
Yeah. Like black metal. Oh, think like a black guy that sings metal. out of Seven dust. Dude, um'm seven dust is toying with disturbed.
00:29:06
Speaker
They're opening for that. Wait, is it seven dust or is it Creed? I think it's seven dust. It better not be Creed. Creed sucks. I'll fucking kill myself if it's Creed. It is seven dust. Okay, good. Three days, grace and seven dust. But the second half of the tour is Daughtry and nothing more. And I'd probably prefer the second half because ah Chris Daughtry got that fucking piece.
00:29:29
Speaker
Hey, listen, maybe I've come around like I like bold men now. i don't know what it is. Too much Johnny sins. What do you want me to say? Are you only clicking on Johnny sins videos? What are you doing? No, I've just, I had a very, i I did not like watching bald men in porn. Freaked me the fuck out.
00:29:44
Speaker
All right. cause you Especially the ones that had no hair. It'd be like a naked mole rat kind of situation. Yeah. But I've come back around now on both people. Make sure you go watch ah Johnny Sin's absolutely plow Abigail Morris.
00:29:55
Speaker
You won't forget. Who Abigail? So here's the problem with the porn stars you suggest to me. Yeah. Is that I start beating my meat and I think about you and I just cum and it's over. She's a redhead. I don't get the full experience out of that. Oh. She's a thick redhead. Yeah.
00:30:09
Speaker
Maybe I jerked off to her last night. I did jerk off to her. i Oh, no. It's called real tits. Does she have a tramp stamp? she No. She has a back tattoo of a naked woman, though. It's kind of weird.
00:30:22
Speaker
Different redhead, then. For sure, different redhead. So he's posted up. And he comes out of the shadows dressed like a goddamn gimp. um And his he has cuts all over his face. And this stupid bitch asked why he has cuts all over his face. Why do you think?
00:30:40
Speaker
Because he has scissors for hands and he has itches. And he's like, yeah. yeah I'd imagine you'd have to be like, itch with your bicep. You know what I mean? You kind have to look retarded.
00:30:51
Speaker
Also, we're both a little retarded. So it's what it is. yeah um And she offers some cream to put on his face to prevent infection. I believe she calls this an astringent. Dries it out.
00:31:02
Speaker
if any ah If any white girls know what that is, let us know. I think it's just ah anything that's that's considered an astringent. I'm a little gay for knowing this. um It dries out your whatever you're putting it on.
00:31:15
Speaker
Oh, I know exfoliators. Yeah, that removes the dead skin. right I use that on my ball sack so I don't get ingrown hairs. Dude, but an exfoliator on your balls, there's nothing better.
00:31:27
Speaker
I would say the only that's better is cumming. Probably I used i used your ah was it lavender? Oh, yeah. I mean, i hope you I encourage it. It's top tier. And then you fucking rub your balls like with your hands and smell
Climax and Resolution
00:31:40
Speaker
your fingers. It's like lavender. It's just like, yeah, because every time I smell my balls, it just smells like man meat, you know, man meat.
00:31:49
Speaker
um Also, she decides, oh this this kid, going to take him home. So she he a kid I don't think he has an age because he was just like made. He is not. He wasn't born out of a vagina. He was just made. So he doesn't age, right?
00:32:03
Speaker
Well, by the end of the movie, no. doesn't. Correct. um So she takes him to her house, and we follow him in the car, and he goes to like point at things that like impress him.
00:32:14
Speaker
um And obviously, these big fucking clanky scissors come up, and she kind of freaks out. And he's like, oh, I shouldn't fucking do that. And she's like, no, I get it. You're excited, but like maybe you don't fucking stick your scissors in my face. And he like tries to put his head out the window, and he like bonks his head.
00:32:27
Speaker
On the window. Yeah. ah We cut to Marge, who is calling Helen, ah gossiping about Peg because she brought home a man, a mysterious man to her house. She's married.
00:32:39
Speaker
And she's like, meet me on the corner. And they go meet on the corner. It's fucking weird. ah We cut to Peg arriving home with Edward. um And Edward, she's like, let's go in the house. And Eddie is just standing in the yard. He's just admiring nature.
00:32:56
Speaker
Right, because he's been sheltered. you know He doesn't know what's going on. He's been hiding in the attic the whole time. Right. Anne Frank didn't know what was going on until she got gassed. I think Anne Frank knew what was going on she the whole time.
00:33:07
Speaker
I think she was aware of what was going on. I think she knew, like, hey, these people, ah these fucking Frankfurters are looking for us, ah and I got to hide my beans. Is that what she got?
00:33:22
Speaker
I love frankfurgers and beans, man. What good combo. Franks and beans. Yeah.
00:33:31
Speaker
The franks and beans.
00:33:35
Speaker
no Yeah. Just like you're cocking your balls, your frank and your beans. right Right. Yeah. In your sack. My feet are a little cold, so I'm putting it on my laptop brick. So nice. Do you want to pause and put some socks on, kid? Nah.
00:33:48
Speaker
All right. We'll keep going, raw dog. We cut to... Another lady I didn't write down calling Joyce ah with the same kind of gossip. I do find the gossip of this movie kind of interesting. I feel like he's trying to get at something.
00:34:01
Speaker
I find the mob mentality of it all. Yeah. Like we said, Frankenstein-esque. But I also find it weird that really no one. Shout out Dr. Frank Frank Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show.
00:34:16
Speaker
But I do find it strange that no one really finds it weird that he has scissors as hands. You know? Like, the first person the first question that's like, what the fuck is going on is Winona Ryder.
00:34:31
Speaker
Everybody else just kind of accepts it. To be fair, when that happens, she has all the reason to be scared. That is crazy to come home and find homem me laying in your bed like that.
00:34:43
Speaker
Like this. Also, what's up with Edward...
00:34:53
Speaker
Am I wrong? can't No, you're they but you can't. You can't put. What are you going to do? You can't put them to your side. You might cut your leg. You them to your sides. Not like touching your leg. You like Christ.
00:35:06
Speaker
Bro, why can't you walk like this? Well, that's probably less comfortable. This looks fucking stupid. This looks like. You know what I mean I get it. um But we follow Edward, Eddie, and I got to adjust my chair. Hold on.
00:35:24
Speaker
I got up. Sorry.
00:35:28
Speaker
We follow Eddie and that's from Venom. If you guys don't fucking know Eddie and Peg inside the house and she shows Eddie pictures of Bill, her husband, Kevin, her son, and her daughter, Kim. And this is love at first sight, baby.
00:35:44
Speaker
I don't blame him. um And the picture, she's dressed for her prom. And ah just to make it legal, Peg goes, she's a senior, if you can believe it. ah Let's go. Don't worry, it's legal.
00:35:56
Speaker
And right now, she's out camping in the mountain with her friends, getting fucking rinsed out. I mean, what do you think they're what do you think they're doing up there? Oh, they're probably hanging out. They're probably fucking.
00:36:08
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And they're coming back in a few days. She's probably the final girl of Friday the 13th.
00:36:15
Speaker
Probably. ah Peg gives Edward some of Bill's old clothes to wear when the phone rings, and that scares the shit out of ah Eddie. So while Peg's on the phone, ah Eddie goes into Kim's room. and He's just looking around, looks at our mirror.
00:36:33
Speaker
He cuts his face. Where's your fucking panties? I'm trying to... get a good sniff He cuts his face.
Community Impact and Consequences
00:36:41
Speaker
Um, and then he pokes a hole in Kim's mattress because it's waterbed. Why do they have fucking waterbeds?
00:36:47
Speaker
I never understood waterbeds. I don't come get it. You could drown. Right. Uh, he pokes a hole in it and then, uh,
00:36:59
Speaker
but well he tried to more He tries to slide his these pants on, which was difficult, I'd say, for him to do. ah We cut to Peg on the phone talking about ah Eddie to Marge.
00:37:16
Speaker
Who's this mysterious man? no. And the phone hangs up. ah She hangs up with her, and then it starts ringing again. We cut back to Edward who's struggling to put a shirt on when Peg walks in and helps him get ah get dressed and then wipes the the blood off his face from his cut.
00:37:36
Speaker
ah we're Next scene with Peggy, she's watching all the ladies have gathered in the corner and are gossiping about Edward. um And she's still helping Eddie button his shirt.
00:37:49
Speaker
um And she's like, i might know a doctor who can help you. um And the ladies are are also gossiping in the corner. And then I guess what they're getting at here is all the men get home.
00:38:00
Speaker
So all the women go back in their houses. Right. You know, so get in the fucking kitchen, ho. Cook me some fucking dinner. Make me a sandwich. ah The next scene, they're all sitting at their dinner table.
00:38:13
Speaker
And Eddie is trying to pick up a fork with Kevin and Bill. ah Kim has not returned home yet. And Bill asks what he's been doing up there. And he says the view must be great. This is where Gerald mentioned he calls him Ed.
00:38:28
Speaker
ah And Peggy's like, no, it's Edward. ah Eddie's able to. I'm calling him fucking Eddie. Fuck you. He gets one P. Like P's?
00:38:39
Speaker
On scissor. he's And drops it. He gets some P on his scissor, dude. That's not good. it could it could like rot. rust sure don't pee on your scissors well that happens later later it does but like a singular pee from a pod that's what we're talking right like peas and carrots yeah that's a good combo Kevin is very impressed with ah Eddie's sharp scissors.
00:39:09
Speaker
um And Eddie is able to cut a slice of butter for his bread. Let's go. i mean Kevin asked to bring Eddie to show and tell, but Peg's like, absolutely not. Even though they do it later.
00:39:23
Speaker
That's all fucked up. like this ah He's not human, I guess. This is almost an exploitation film, him a little bit. little bit. You got to feel for the guy. I do. The next scene is Peg tucking Eddie into his water bed.
00:39:36
Speaker
Well, Kim's water bed. He's sleeping in Kim's bed. No one is attracted to her. I slept in your sister's bed. How you doing, sister? about All the fucking smells in there, all the juices, all the sweat. Just in there.
00:39:48
Speaker
I'm not talking about my sister. You mentioned her i'm talking about Kim. I'm talking about Fanona White. for no What the fuck? What the fuck's her name? Winona Ryder. Winona. Winona Ryder's fucking fumes, kid. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm trying to smell.
00:40:04
Speaker
Right. Even today. Right. The next scene, ah all the we see all the men leave for for work. All their cars in sync all leaving.
00:40:15
Speaker
That was cool as shit. Was it? i I made a ah point about it when watching it. i was like, you know what? It's interesting.
00:40:28
Speaker
No, because it brings back the whole 50s stereotypical like housewife. Everything's in sync. you know no no Nothing goes wrong. Sure. Everything is the schedule.
00:40:43
Speaker
Uh, Peg is applying makeup to Edward and she's fucking terrible at it. Like, holy fuck. She bad. You sell this. i mean, it is. Yeah, it's not good. Um, the next one is going to get you hard. So I know, i just know this is when I texted you.
00:41:01
Speaker
Okay. We cut to bill. Who's trimming his bush.
00:41:07
Speaker
Um, And he's not trimming his fucking pubes. He's cutting his fucking bushes in his backyard. He's trying to make a topiary, but he sucks. Right. and And they're listening to the radio, him and Kevin.
00:41:19
Speaker
Kevin? And his friend ah bowling. It's bowling. you you catch that? I did. Shout out. They're... Just my last name.
00:41:32
Speaker
You did not have to say that was your last name. I just said shout out. ah You can keep it in. i don't give a fuck. yeah Also... the fuck listens to
Final Thoughts and Film Legacy
00:41:40
Speaker
bowling? Who listens to bowling on the fucking radio?
00:41:46
Speaker
Fucking dorks. ah My dad used to listen to NASCAR on the radio. That was weird. That is weird. And he's turning in the corner. That's literally all you hear. All you hear is... wrong this is real You know?
00:42:00
Speaker
ah And Eddie walks out and he makes a dinosaur out of one of their bushes, which is cool. We cut you Peg, who's listening to the voicemail, which is full of gossip. And all the ladies want to know what's going on, this mysterious man in their house, in her house.
00:42:19
Speaker
um We also hear in one of the voicemails that it's storming up in the mountains. ah The next scene is Eddie it trims the whole family's bush so essentially like like the whole family is made out of bush yeah literally yes uh and kevin tries to rinse off eddie's scissors with water and bill's like put some oil you gotta lube them up dude you can't gotta lube up before you scissor you know mean have to i mean you have to i know you know who knows a little something about that
00:42:55
Speaker
All right. Potentially. Who? Who are we doxing now? i'm No, no one. But, yeah squa them or no. Speaking of oil, I made a crazy.
00:43:06
Speaker
Did you like that analogy? That the Tin Man is secretly Diddy in disguise? He loves oil. The Tin Man could be Diddy. Diddy could also be Edward Scissorhands.
00:43:20
Speaker
Getting oiled up. Right. Lube me, baby.
00:43:27
Speaker
Next scene is the very loyal to the church neighbor who comes over that says Eddie is the son of Satan and he's been sent here to tempt us. Yeah, that's about right. And he's a perversion of nature.
00:43:40
Speaker
Next scene, all the the the mob of ladies that all gossip together knock on the front door and they want to know about this mysterious man. They want to be introduced to them and they go, when's the barbecue? Whoa.
00:43:53
Speaker
So they're having a barbecue now. It's nine at five. Be there. Be square. You're trying to see them loins barbecue, you know? Right. ah Trying to glaze those fucking. All right.
00:44:04
Speaker
We cut to. I give up. We cut my salad. Dude, Eddie is. Eddie's chopping some lettuce real good. He's a natural. Cuts his face. But Peg is impressed.
00:44:16
Speaker
And she has an automatic can opener, which for some reason gives Eddie a flashback to the assembly line. I've already made this joke, but shout out Ford.
00:44:28
Speaker
um And this inventor is made in assembly line to make cookies. I mean, a man after my own heart. i love no I love cookies. Fucking love a cookie, dude. What's your favorite cookie?
00:44:39
Speaker
Like brand or or type? Let's do both. David's. Shout David's cookies. The best cookies you can get. ah And then I'd probably say it's chocolate chip, but I do love an oatmeal raisin.
00:44:52
Speaker
Oatmeal raisin slept on, right? I love an oatmeal raisin. I go to Walmart and get a six pack oatmeal raisin. They're gone in 24 hours. They're gone 24 minutes. You know what I'm saying? I tried not to do that, but yeah, they're going before I get home. Uh, we also see, well, sometimes we also see the inventor here who he grabs a heart cookie and he puts it over this robot that literally just has scissor hands.
00:45:17
Speaker
And I guess that's like his idea to like, me make a real person with scissor hands. Um, That's a great idea. We cut to the barbecue where Eddie's helping open beers. ah And Kevin wants to play scissor, paper, stones.
00:45:33
Speaker
That, my friend, is not how you fucking say in America. okay It's rock, paper, scissors. Damn it. I mean, how a how dare you? I wonder if this film was not made in America. Because who the fuck says that bullshit? Is Tim Burton American? Probably not. probably British.
00:45:49
Speaker
You're fucking.
00:45:53
Speaker
Tim Burton. daft cunt. I can't say that in America. Tim Burton ethnicity. Tim Burton's an American. He was born in Burbank, California. No, ethnicity's not white. Oh, it's race.
00:46:09
Speaker
but oh Oh, boy. um but Anyways, it's not fucking scissor, paper, stones, damn it. um the The group of husbands invite Eddie to their card game.
00:46:23
Speaker
And they make the you can't cut them joke, which is dumb. We cut to Eddie, who is making a she's kebabs. um Love me some she's. She's kebab. Greg, the sauce. who air baby beachba all Only true fans.
00:46:41
Speaker
out to J Stu Studios. That video wiped from the Internet. Exactly. Bring it back. Fuck you guys doing. Their channel is still active. Yeah. He's approached by a veteran who ah has a fake leg and says, don't let anybody call you handicapped.
00:46:56
Speaker
And then Joyce walks over and she's like, you haven't had any of my ambrosia salad yet. What is ambrosia? I don't fucking know. What do you mean? It's marshmallow salad, essentially, with like some cherries, some oranges.
00:47:09
Speaker
Ambrosia salad is an American variety of fruit salad originating southern United States, so where the fucking racist people are. Uh... Pineapple, mandarin oranges, yogurt, mini marshmallows, coconut, and whipped cream. That sounds fucking disgusting. It's horrible.
00:47:25
Speaker
Oh my God. One more time. ShopRite used to make it and I tried some. Horrid. e And she just shovels it in his fucking mouth because he can't grab anything because he has scissor fucking hands. You know what ah And then the entire group of girls gather around and they all start feeding their fucking concoction. This food looks wild.
00:47:49
Speaker
It reminded me of the Grinch. Yeah, this movie is Grinchy. I agree. It's Grinchian. that a race? ah Now it can be.
00:47:59
Speaker
ah We cut to Eddie who's lying in the water bed and he's having a flashback of Vietnam. The inventor. Yeah, right. Shout out Big Len. Yeah, shout out Dad. Hey, Dad.
00:48:11
Speaker
You're not listening. Right. doesn't know what a podcast is. No. Never heard of that. A what? ah He's reading to Eddie. What is etiquette? Like, what is he reading to him? It's so random. He's teaching how to live. What a fucking idiot.
00:48:26
Speaker
He's not human. And the inventor goes, yeah, I know this is probably boring, which, yeah, fuck it is. yeah so we start bringing some poetry. hey um We cut to Kim, who's returning home in this big van with her friends.
00:48:42
Speaker
We meet her boyfriend, Jim. and she goes gym Hey, Jim, you fucking piece of shit. Heck, saw Jim Duggan. Shout out to him. ah Goes into her bedroom where Eddie is just laying there.
00:48:55
Speaker
And she starts getting naked. And she doesn't even notice him. Getting excited. Yeah, Winona Ryder fucking... Titties?
00:49:06
Speaker
Alright. I wish.
00:49:10
Speaker
She sees Edward through the mirror and freaks the fuck out. As she should. i mean, not only is there a guy in your bed, but he has scissors hands. Right.
00:49:22
Speaker
Uh... Bill shows Eddie the pullout couch where he's going sleep and pours him a shot and says it's lemonade. I'm going to show you my pullout game, Eddie. Are we suggesting that Bill's fucking Eddie?
00:49:35
Speaker
e Ed, Ed and Eddie. All right. What a great show. Yeah. You can watch that, but not SpongeBob. Oh, wait. Nope. I had the video game, though. Oh, the Miss Adventures.
00:49:46
Speaker
Yeah. Game was good. that one. um And for some reason... When they're sitting this bar, Bill is talking about puberty and engorged glands. Yeah, weird.
00:49:58
Speaker
Shout out to your gland that has a problem. My thyroid. didn't mean to dox your medical issues, but did. It's fine, dude. ah Eddie ends up drinking the alcohol with a straw and he does not look great afterwards because he's not a real fucking person. I don't.
00:50:14
Speaker
This is weird. I'm a real boy. One sip and it didn't look like he was drunk. It looked like he was fucking stoned out of his mind. Looking was fucking dying. If I'm being honest, it looked like he was turning into a demon. He was like, that's accurate.
00:50:30
Speaker
We cut to Peg, who is with Kim in Kevin's room, saying she's going to sleep there tonight. But she's like, you scared him to death. You have to at least go say hello. And she's like, i scared him? So they go out to meet Edward, and Edward collapses from the alcohol.
00:50:46
Speaker
ah We cut to Eddie, who's trimming Joyce's bush ah with two swans. The shape is like a two swans that make a heart shape. And she offers him actual lemonade and he throws up because he thinks lemonade is alcohol.
00:51:03
Speaker
ah We cut to Kevin who now has Eddie at show and tell. And what do you call this shit? Eddie makes that that paper journal like the the people holding hands. It's all connected as paper.
00:51:13
Speaker
Yeah, gay shit. Right. We cut to Eddie who sees Kim across the street with her boyfriend and some other girl. And he's like, hey, Kim. Not like that, but...
00:51:24
Speaker
ah And they just kind of walk away because... Yeah, no. Hey, Kim, let me scissor you. Right. He dev doesn't have a fucking dick. ah You don't think so? Next scene... No. He's a robot. Maybe it's one giant scissor.
00:51:38
Speaker
um It's like dolls. like There's just nothing there. Yeah. Yeah. They're all at dinner talking about how Jim's house just renovated and his dad has a lot of money.
00:51:51
Speaker
But as Jim's dad's real strict won't give him any of it. Yeah. And they're rich, and Peg kind of envies it a little bit. Not even kind of. She says it. She envies it. I want money.
00:52:02
Speaker
And Bill's pissed that Eddie isn't charging for his bush trimming business, which, if you're going trimming people's bushes, you should be charging for that shit. I agree. You can get kind of nasty in there. Yeah. Like a splinter?
00:52:14
Speaker
guess he can't. No. um When they're at the table, Eddie is... slicing the meat and offering the meat to everybody. That's his That's I'm talking about. So he offers Kim's friend some meat, but she don't want Eddie's meat.
00:52:31
Speaker
Yeah, because she says that his scissors are like germ infested. She said that he used his hands. Then he offers that same since since Kim's friend don't want his meat, he offers his meat to Kim.
00:52:43
Speaker
And Kim don't want it either. And he just drops it in Kim's lap. Imagine dropping your meat in a bitch's lap. Like, here you go. Handelivered. You're going to suck it or not at your invent invitation.
00:52:56
Speaker
Inventation?
00:52:59
Speaker
Invitation. ah We cut to Eddie who is trimming a neighbor's bush and then decides let me turn this dog. lot of bushes. Let turn this dog.
00:53:10
Speaker
Not George Bush though. No tragedies in this movie. No no no national tragedies in this movie. If you know, you know.
00:53:22
Speaker
ah I mean, I think it's 9-11 in this, but yeah. ah And because Eddie can trim a dog, ah the whole neighborhood lines that have their dogs trimmed.
00:53:35
Speaker
And Joyce asks Eddie to cut her actual hair. And this is a very sexual experience for her. ah We see her her toes curl up.
00:53:46
Speaker
She's literally orgasming, getting her hair cut. And he cuts the rest of the girls hair. But can we be honest here? These haircuts are ugly as fuck. Yeah, but they all love them. I don't care. Ugly.
00:53:58
Speaker
Joyce is a, I'll say it. She had dirty skank. Hey, yo, you heard it here first. She's trying fucked by whoever walks by. Literally.
00:54:09
Speaker
Plumber. Scissors. You name it. You name it. She wants it. Dick. All right. We cut to Peg on the phone, the CEO of Avon.
00:54:20
Speaker
Let's go. When Kim walks in and not impressed at all with Peg's haircut, to be fair. The next scene is Helen bringing Eddie to the strip mall where Eddie's there to get his scissors sharpened. Let's go. And she sees Kim. He sees Kim.
00:54:37
Speaker
He sees Kim with her boyfriend in the distance and kind just like, huh. You know, he's sad. He's sad. He's trying to plow it. ah The next scene, Kim and Jim, no creativity with names.
00:54:52
Speaker
are locked out of the house when Eddie arrives home and he picks the lock and they're impressed. Like, Oh, thanks dude. And like, Hey, I'm about to go rinse fucking Kim out.
00:55:04
Speaker
Would you give me a holler when peg show shows up? So didn't catch that, he does ask that. It's actually happened. I know. right.
00:55:14
Speaker
We cut to Eddie. Who's now on a TV show. With Peg. Peg me. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. You think she gives it to him?
00:55:25
Speaker
I don't want Peg to peg me. Peg could be Peg and Edward. I'd be like, it's good for you. But I don't know. We're going to stretch you. This will make you a real boy. It's good for the skin.
00:55:36
Speaker
Could be. Someone asked Eddie if he wants regular hands. And he says yes. But then another lady in the crowd goes, will you be normal? Right. ah Then a different lady, and he's like, that's the point.
00:55:50
Speaker
And then a different lady asks if he'll ever open a a beauty salon. Then someone asks if he has a girlfriend. And there's this weird, because like Kim, Jim, and and Kevin are all watching on the TV. And it's like they're staring at each other through the TV. It's like, kiss me through the phone, but stare at me through the TV. Yeah, shout out, soldier boy.
00:56:13
Speaker
um He has an answer. Scissor that. Oh. And he, I should give you the fucking. You deserve that. All right. Sorry.
00:56:26
Speaker
ah He goes to lean into the mic and the scissors touch the mic and he electrocutes himself. What a, what a shocking event where Jim starts laughing at him and Kim's like, it's not funny. He hurt himself.
00:56:40
Speaker
But Jim says he'd give his left nut seat again. I'd also give my left nut seat again. But luckily, with physical media, you can watch whenever you want. There you go. I streamed it, actually. Free plug.
00:56:51
Speaker
I bought that Edward Scissorhands copy, like, FYE days, like, five years ago. yeah I bought the Blu-ray at Best Buy. Fuck them. For, like, $3. Fuck you, Best Buy. You heard? i But I was too lazy, and I streamed it on Disney+. plus Did not know if who was on Disney+. plus That's a wild movie out on Disney+. Well...
00:57:10
Speaker
well It is Tim Burton. Yeah. We cut to Eddie with ah not Peg with Joyce who wants to open a salon with him.
00:57:23
Speaker
And she's like kind of showing the layout this place. And so we have the cosmetics over here. And Eddie's like, well, Peg could sell her cosmetics. And she's like, no, fuck that bitch. She doesn't say no, but she basically says no.
00:57:35
Speaker
ah And then she wants to show Eddie the back room. How you doing? Hey. Where that fucking hole. Eddie almost snips the circuit board, which would fucking destroy him.
00:57:49
Speaker
and She's like, I do. She's like, I want to. She's like, want mile some smocks for you. You ever have a smock before? I think I had to wear a smock in like art class when I was sleeping. But these ain't the normal kind of smocks. Shout out to one of the managers I worked with last night. Literally wore a Snuggie to work. I was like, how the fuck is this an appropriate outfit to be a front of house manager? You wear a goddamn Snuggie.
00:58:16
Speaker
Sorry. I'm losing it. It was the same color as You deep in your bitch like a Snuggie. Right. out young Ravey. ah And the first one she models like lace.
00:58:29
Speaker
And she turns on some sensual kind of music. God, fuck. Honestly, if Joyce was fucking modeling smocks to me and like, you want model my cock inside your vagina, dude? I'm kind of hard right now. She is redhead.
00:58:43
Speaker
but She could fucking get it. can't get my mind. She does smoke. She does smoke cigarettes, which is like not great. And then, but even in her house, which is even worse. Oh, that house. I mean, the carpet in her bush. That's crazy.
00:58:55
Speaker
Disgusting. Disgusting. You did. You did. Yeah. um Eddie likes the second smock, which is opaque. Cannot see through it. It's just purple.
00:59:08
Speaker
And she just gets on top of him and she uses his blade like under her shirt is kind of getting this was I don't know. And she's kind of sticking her tits in his face.
00:59:19
Speaker
She's ah like sexually assaulting him. She's kind of fucking him. I mean, I honestly kind of feel she crazy camel toe. I'll be honest. You looked at her... I was going to say her... You looked at her twat?
00:59:33
Speaker
You didn't? Not her twat. Her tots. Not her twat. Yeah, that's fair. But the seat collapses, and he runs off. Um...
00:59:44
Speaker
He runs off to the diner where he's joined he joins like the family and tells them, like yeah, Joyce took all clothes off. And the dad thought nothing of it.
00:59:56
Speaker
And he's explaining to Eddie that ah you know he has to go to the loan the bank and get a loan to open this business. Where we cut to the bank and tell us, like, you have no social security number. You don't even exist. You have no income, no credit card, no job.
01:00:12
Speaker
Kind of reminded me of that scene in Spider-Man 2 when Aunt May's trying to get a loan. Right, but she's like, at least I get the free toaster. Right. No free toaster. No free toaster. ah We also find out here that Peg already has a second mortgage out on her house. That's rough.
01:00:28
Speaker
That is rough. And they say, we're giving you nothing. You beat. Uh, Jim wants, we cut to, ah Jim walking with Kim and Jim wants Eddie to break into his father's room to get what a van keys to a van. What are they trying to get?
01:00:47
Speaker
They're just trying to rob his own house, which is crazy. Uh, we cut to them with the break in and Eddie asked, you know, uh, Jim like, Hey, are we sure? Like they stole from you? He's like, yeah.
01:01:00
Speaker
He's like, let's go. I think it was all a plan just to get Edward stuck in there. Step bro stuck in the door. My scissors are stuck in the door once. Yeah, shout out Cat in the Hat.
01:01:13
Speaker
Yeah. The door closes behind Eddie and my alarm start going off. four he God damn it. I hate when that happens. It happens to me every day.
01:01:25
Speaker
i got a blood blister forming on my cock. No, I'm kidding. How you doing? Uh, the alarm starts going off and Jim is like, we're out. And he literally lugs Kim over his shoulder out the door. They run off. Uh, the police pull up and like are behind their cars, like with guns out. Like it's a fucking hostage situation. Like, no dude, it's just like, come out with your hands up.
01:01:46
Speaker
I'll fucking show you my hands. Don't worry. They didn't shoot him. He's white. He's white fuck.
01:01:54
Speaker
Uh, Jim refuses to go back for him, even though, it's his house. Jim begs. Right, it is his house. Eddie comes out with his hands up, but they're scissors.
01:02:06
Speaker
so Put down your weapons! This black officer about to shoot the fuck out of him, but the neighbors come in and say, ah those are his hands. So we cut to throw hands.
01:02:19
Speaker
We cut to throw hands with him and bright and Bill who are seeing Eddie was in lockup and Peg takes the blame because ah she's like, I know how I said I wanted more money.
01:02:32
Speaker
ah And she asked why he did it or if someone put him up to it and he says nothing. So he's not a snitch. Good snitches get stitches, but you're a got some cuts on your face or you got stitches. You'll fuck.
01:02:44
Speaker
The next scene I actually kind of fuck with kind of heavy. I guess this guy's a doctor in the courtroom and he's like, Eddie's been alone for so long. He has no idea right from wrong in that he's like radically, I believe the word is radically underdeveloped.
01:03:00
Speaker
So he's retarded. What he can be taught. That button has some fucking, you know i mean? Yeah, it's got some fucking sauce, dude. We cut to the group of ladies gossiping saying it was in their house.
01:03:14
Speaker
Um, and the crazy church neighbor walks by here and she basically saying, like, I told you so. Told you so. He's Satan. Shout out ghost.
01:03:26
Speaker
Yeah. Shout out ghost. Shout out Papa Emeritus V. Yeah. V is for vagina. Is there a bush? You'll find out. Um, we cut to Peg who's escorting Eddie home.
01:03:39
Speaker
Um, and he, they're mobbed by the press. But they make it inside, peg on the phone with somebody, and
01:03:52
Speaker
essentially they're like, are you still having the Christmas party this year? She's course I would. Why wouldn't I have the Christmas party? and like Maybe because you're a fucking psycho in your house? You got a fucking criminal. We cut to Kim, who... Wait, not all criminals are black?
01:04:10
Speaker
Are you talking to somebody else? No. Oh, you looked over to the, like, you're like... Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're not technically. i mean, ah but the white ones just the white ones just shoot up schools.
01:04:23
Speaker
I've been scammed.
01:04:26
Speaker
Oh. um Yeah.
01:04:32
Speaker
Kim is apologizing to Eddie, saying, thanks for not running us out. And Eddie says he knew it was Jim's house the entire time, but did it because Kim asked him to. Aww. Whatch. Whipped ass bitch.
01:04:45
Speaker
Jim shows up in their backyard like, sup, baby? so I'm trying to get my dick wet. You're to fucking suck this dick or what? Edward's like, I'm trying to get my scissors wet.
01:04:57
Speaker
Oiled up. And he says that the his old man thinks Eddie is retarded. he so Those are the words they said. Yeah, he did. My old man thinks Eddie's retarded. That's why he's off the hook.
01:05:10
Speaker
Alright, Eddie? Don't be so fucking retarded. da And that pisses Eddie the fuck off. And he walks away and he scrapes the walls and the drapes. um But not her meat curtains.
01:05:22
Speaker
No, that would be bad. a man. You know would make me so sad? If Winona Ryder's pussy looked like roast beef. If 9-11 happened again? No, I'd expect it this time.
01:05:34
Speaker
Right.
01:05:40
Speaker
ah ah that um Yeah, if Winona Ryder shit wasn't tight, I would be a little bit upset. Because these celebrities got access to everything.
01:05:53
Speaker
Right, like magic pussy juice. Yeah. all right We cut to You know what I just saw as in in in <unk>sive thought thought?
01:06:05
Speaker
I'm not sure why. I guess you're saying magic when we thought of it. But you know the Fairly Godmother in Shrek 2? Yeah. She can fucking get it, right?
Humorous Debates and Hypotheticals
01:06:14
Speaker
No. Really? You wouldn't hit it? No. She's like... Whoa! She's like 80, dude.
01:06:23
Speaker
Plus she's evil. Shrek 2 Fairly Godmother. Ugh.
01:06:32
Speaker
Bro, you wouldn't give it to this?
01:06:36
Speaker
i mean, her tits are crazy. Picture that fucking wand being your cock, bro. I mean, maybe her hair wasn't like... Gibbity-babbity splooge on that dick. You know what mean? That's what I'm talking about. But maybe her hair wasn't like so gray.
01:06:50
Speaker
She looks like a granny. It's purple. It's purple? Look, at someone already made it sexual.
01:06:59
Speaker
That's weird. That's a wild tangent to go on, but I'm just letting you know. i don't like it. I'm sorry. not a hit. I respect it, but we ain't hitting it twice to together. She's nice fucking wagon on her, too. I'm about fucking horror right now. Okay. All right. Never mind. Hit that shit from the bed. I would.
01:07:20
Speaker
They're at dinner, and Bill's annoyed about the damages to the house because, like, where do you think going to happen? And Bill says that Eddie has lost their trust. Darn.
01:07:32
Speaker
Then he's like, let's do an ethics test real quick. Right here at the dinner table. If you find a briefcase full of money, what would you do to with it? but I'm keeping that shit. What are you talking about? What I do with it? I'm keeping it.
01:07:46
Speaker
ah Yeah, I thought the same thing. I mean, it belongs to somebody, which is scary to think about. But who's going to know? Right. you You either deposit it very slowly No, it never gets deposited.
01:07:58
Speaker
You just pay with cash. No, you pay with cash. Hey, I'm here to buy this fucking car outright with cash.
01:08:09
Speaker
ah they try to like end that conversation by talking about Kevin's talking about like his show and tell thing. And then Eddie, but they, they press Eddie for this answer and he says he'd give it to his loved ones, which isn't the worst answer to give. no But Bill's like, no.
01:08:25
Speaker
And Kevin's like, you fucking dope. Everyone knows you're not supposed to keep it. Let's it to the police. And Kim decided that she's going to stand up for Eddie and say that she would do the same. And Bill's like, Hey, cut the comedy. All right.
01:08:39
Speaker
This is real life we're talking about here. ah We cut to a montage of gossip from the ladies about the curtains. And one lady goes, Eddie basically raped Joyce, which is crazy.
01:08:53
Speaker
Which, what are you trying to say here, Tim Burton? That sometimes ah victim shaming is okay? Victim shaming is never okay. Then they're all debating if they're going go to this Christmas party.
01:09:05
Speaker
We cut to Peg who's sitting setting up her all-white Christmas tree. Fucking weird. I hate people like that. and Trying to whitewash Christmas now? Oh my god. Jesus was black. Well, brown.
01:09:19
Speaker
Peg asked, um, homie, Eddie to give her a new haircut. And as she's doing that, Kevin walks in and he asked Kevin if he wants to play rock, paper, scissors, where I'm fucking calling it.
01:09:34
Speaker
And he's like, na no, I always win. Shit's gay. We cut to Bill decorating the roof. He's just putting fake snow on his roof. Like just wait for fucking snow. fucking weird, man.
01:09:47
Speaker
Peg and Kim are debating having the Christmas party and Peg thinks all this news will blow over. Kim walks outside to see Edward making a fucking ice sculpture. First of all, y'all just said you were poor.
01:10:00
Speaker
You got a big ass, you can afford an ice sculpture? You know how ice sculptures cost? a lot Thousands of dollars. it's a How do you get a big ass block of ice anyway? Exactly.
01:10:12
Speaker
Maybe he stole it because he's a criminal now. I doubt it. Because they wouldn't approve. Hey, where'd you get that? I stole it. imagine Imagine stealing a block of ice and nobody notices.
01:10:23
Speaker
Like, just get a giant bin and freeze it. Now, we've seen the tables turn. Now, ice is just stealing Mexicans are throwing them back over the border. Jesus Christ!
01:10:35
Speaker
but well
01:10:40
Speaker
um Shout out jalapenos.
01:10:49
Speaker
Jalapenos. the Jalapenos. Yeah, isn't that Hispanic? Shout out avocados. No, yeah, you're right. and You're not wrong. um I'm just assuming that how we eat bell peppers, they jalapenos. Oh my god.
01:11:06
Speaker
yeah ah You know, we had a debate in my, when I was in culinary school, because a question on the test ah was, would you consider a jalapeno pepper spicy?
01:11:20
Speaker
And like half the class answered no, and they all got it wrong. And they like tried to throw a mutiny with the chef being like jalapeno peppers are not spicy. I go, what is this fucking revision of history that jalapenos are not spicy?
01:11:31
Speaker
Jalapenos are fucking spicy. they're like lo Sometimes you can get like a like a jalapeno that's like literally a bell pepper, and then other times you can get it where it's like hotter than a fucking habanero. I don't know what's going on.
01:11:45
Speaker
So the the chef instructor was like, alright, bite, just take a bite in this jalapeno. No one would do it. Why? Because it's fucking spicy. It's the seeds. Mainly, but the pepper is spicy. The pepper has spice to it.
01:11:57
Speaker
Sure. Jalapeno is like my limit. Low key. You ever touch a jalapeno, touch your eyes? No, fucking retarded. No, I did that. ever eat a ghost pepper?
01:12:11
Speaker
No, but I had those those ghost chips. The spice, the one chip challenge, I did that. yeah I did that too. That was a bad idea. i was I
Edward's Breakdown and Community Reaction
01:12:20
Speaker
was literally stuffing my mouth with with sour cream.
01:12:23
Speaker
Yeah. I drank an entire gallon of milk and then forgot I'm like, threw back Lack and Toast intolerant, so shitting my brains out. Hey, Lack and Toast? like Lack Toast.
01:12:36
Speaker
I Lack Toast. I suck toes. a I don't. I actually don't do that. I'm not sure why I said it. True. um So Edward is sculpting this ice and it's like creating snow.
01:12:51
Speaker
This is where snow is made from scissors, but that's fake. Next thing you're going to try to tell me is the earth's flat. Fucking assholes. All right. so Flat earthers can go jump off a cliff.
01:13:06
Speaker
Kim is like dancing the snow. It's really gay. And as she gets closer to Eddie, Jim like yells, Hey! And she like turns around or Eddie turns around. No.
01:13:17
Speaker
Yeah, Eddie does turn around. And he slices Kim's hand open. By accident. By accident. And she's not mad. She's just a little, little, uh, razzled.
01:13:31
Speaker
Uh, and Jim bullies Eddie out, out the yard. And Kim's like, you know what I'm done with you, Jim. Bill's going to go find Eddie while Kim and Peg tend to Kim's hand.
01:13:45
Speaker
Show me your hand. We cut to Edward, who is literally having a mental breakdown. And he slashes the clothes off himself. He stabs a tire. He destroys some topiaries.
01:14:02
Speaker
We cut to the church freak who's like singing and hears ah some snipping going on outside and she reveals the curtains. What is this? The devil? It sounds like it. It seems like it. He's like going down his mental path.
01:14:19
Speaker
He's like going down his mental path? What did you say to me? Are you reading something over? What are you doing over there? Me? Yeah. Yeah. Mark's blowing up the group chat. Fuck you, Mark. Mark, you're ruining my fucking podcast.
01:14:34
Speaker
um Is it important or is just like, hey guys, I watched this movie, I didn't like it. What else is new? yeah Hey guys, I sound like a Canadian, but claim to be Greek. It's not important at all. Hey guys, I lube my ass with maple syrup.
01:14:46
Speaker
And then Autumn pegs me. See, now I'm slandering somebody.
01:14:52
Speaker
I mean, I'm sure Mark's fucking topia can get snipped. I don't know if if mark Mac... Macintyre? I don't know if Mark's packing or not. He won't tell me. He probably Autumn said he is, but... No, Mark told me he had a big dick.
01:15:07
Speaker
Yeah, Autumn confirmed that it's like seven inches. Fuck. Waste of that fucking miserable human being. Who? Mark? Yeah, he's not miserable, but fuck him. Mark, fuck you.
01:15:21
Speaker
Dude, hey. We cut to Peg's house where ah the officer rings on the doorbell and he's looking for Eddie, but Eddie ain't there. We cut to the ladies who are gossiping in the block.
01:15:34
Speaker
um And the cop drives by like, yeah, go home. I'll go find him. Don't worry. Peg tells Kim that she didn't think Think it through bringing Eddie from, you know, up top. oh so you don't think you didn't think it through that. You bring a stranger with weapons on his hands for hands.
01:15:58
Speaker
Huh? Four hands? You said weapons on his hands. The weapons are his hands. They're four hands. They're weapons for hands. right I'm going to show you my fucking four skin, dude. Yeah. I mean, he could he could make a killing fucking being a four skin snipper.
01:16:14
Speaker
Stop the podcast. I have to tell you this. Stop the tape. This kid needs to be locked away. Get him. i I went to go see an Irish film. the Irishman.
01:16:26
Speaker
That movie's not even close to Irish, but yeah. It is... The movie is called Bringing Them Down. A fucking disturbing movie about sheep getting murdered.
01:16:37
Speaker
Why'd you watch that? with bear I didn't know what it was about. i just it was on my watch list. I just went to go watch it with Barry Keoghan. um But the name of the... The name of one of the production companies I'm gonna send to you, and you tell me what that says.
01:16:54
Speaker
So, do you watch actual sheep get killed on camera?
01:16:59
Speaker
Uh, no. They infer it. But it is fucking brutal. You do see, like, fake-looking... Oh, so it's... it's it's like They didn't kill actual... No, it's a movie. They didn't kill actual sheep.
01:17:12
Speaker
Oh, okay. What does that say?
01:17:17
Speaker
It says, coming soon, I mean...
01:17:23
Speaker
really ah love na me yeah thats That's a production company that made this movie. ah Shout out to coming soon. na
01:17:39
Speaker
So I laughed so hard in the theater. but They speak English there in Ireland, right? They all speak Gaelic. Gaelic? Is that like broken English?
01:17:50
Speaker
No, it's like, it's like, i it's like, and i it doesn't, it sounds like, hey wait and whatever ever whatever i met it just doesn't. But it's English. A form of? Bro, I can't understand it. It's not fucking English. Oh, okay.
01:18:03
Speaker
So is that why they have the little asterisk? Not asterisk. What the fuck are those called? Why did you call it a fucking accent? It's an accent. Accent. accent There you go. What a fucking accurate accent. I don't know. This is not... um Yeah, it's not exactly English. It's a different it's a different language. Well, it's coming soon.
01:18:23
Speaker
What language do they speak in Ireland? Irish?
01:18:31
Speaker
They speak Irish? They speak Shelfa? They speak... Conact, Irish. They speak Irish Sign Language. They speak Northern Ireland Sign Language. They speak Anthrum Irish, Ulster Scots dialect, Munster English, Scots English, Habanero English. It doesn't say Habanero. It says Hibanero, but it does say Habanero. Potato English?
01:18:54
Speaker
Guinness? The Irish still speak Gaelic. they gaelic irish English and Irish, Gaelic, are the official languages in the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland.
01:19:05
Speaker
Okay? Okay. Top of the morning, Either way, that fucking company is called Coming Soon, Nah Mean. All right. I fuck with them. Can I get it out on a shirt? Yes. I'm going to come soon, Nah Mean.
01:19:23
Speaker
ah Bill and Peg, where do they go? Because I thought they were going to find Kevin. But where do they go leave the house to go find Edward? Yeah, they're leaving to go find Edward. But they keep bitch there.
01:19:33
Speaker
Peggy stays home. Keep bitch there. All right, caveman. um we We cut to Eddie, who's sitting on a sidewalk all sad, and he snips some hair out of ah out of a dog's eye so the dog can i see.
01:19:45
Speaker
Right. And police cruiser strolls by. ah so Eddie runs off. He knows. And he breaks into Peg's house and sees Kim. Is that down to the police?
01:19:57
Speaker
And he's like, hold me, baby. oh actually, Kim is like, hold me. And he's like, I fucking can't. I got
Confrontation and Resolution
01:20:04
Speaker
scissors for hands. She's like, hold me.
01:20:10
Speaker
he He literally says, I can't. Um... But she kind of like mainly does it for him, which triggers a flashback of Eddie getting hands gifted to him as a Christmas gift from the inventor.
01:20:25
Speaker
And the inventor like dies as he's handing him the hands. I don't get why. think it's like a heart attack. Kind of melodramatic. Really sad because Vincent Price died three years after.
01:20:36
Speaker
i don't find this sad at all because I think it's kind of fucking gay. R.I.P. Vincent Price, but kind of fucking gay. True. um Eddie's scissors go through the hands and then he touches the inventor's face and like cuts him and looks the blood cuts back to his hug When Jim and Danny, we cut to Jim and Danny, who are damn getting didn lit.
01:21:03
Speaker
And he's like, take me to fucking Kim's house. I'm drunk, bro. He's like, take me to fucking Kim's house right now. Drive. totally off All right. Trying to fuck, kill that bitch. Fucking suck that bitch's clit.
01:21:16
Speaker
ah We cut to Kevin, who's walking home. And there's an old man. For some reason, it cut to it. It. autocorrected two old mean old yamin on him yeah i he asked if they caught eddie yet but he calls eddie that cripple that's fucked kevin don't know uh kevin's on the way home and and almost gets run over by jim in the van because they're drunk.
01:21:50
Speaker
ah But Eddie saves him. And for some reason, while he's on the ground, he's like trying to touch his face. And it's like, bro, get the fuck off of him. Right.
01:22:02
Speaker
It reminds me that scene in Spider-Man 2 where he comes swinging down, saves those two kids in front of the truck. yeah Yeah, that one. Only real fans of Spider-Man 2 will know.
01:22:19
Speaker
Why it so long?
01:22:22
Speaker
Long John Silver. Long like my sack. The neighborhood swarms because they're like, oh, he's fucking kill attacking Kevin. Then Jim tries to attack him and he cuts fucking Jim's arm pretty good.
01:22:36
Speaker
Slice and dice. And then Kim. Call me Emeril Lagasse.
01:22:43
Speaker
Boom. You know I mean? Yeah, I do. Kim tells Eddie to run. um And this is honestly really funny. right He's like, ah this well, that and also the fact that he ran like less than a block to like thats true buck where his fucking gate is. It's like you didn't run that far.
01:23:05
Speaker
No. and the And like, I just like the chase is like the police cars, like driving like five miles an hour behind him. Like, yep. Yeah, we're following him. I know where you're going. Or in pursuit. um We cut to Peg and she's watching the mob, like all follow the cop car. And she's like, oh, Kevin's fine.
01:23:26
Speaker
We then hear a bullet get fired. But we see on our end that the cop just fires it into the air and like lets him go. Um, but Joyce is like, fuck it. I want to see, i want to see it.
01:23:40
Speaker
So she goes up in there. yeah I want to ride his fucking dead cock. Exactly. He doesn't have one though. Uh, we, the next cut, Kim is already at the mansion. Yeah. I don't get that. How the fuck does that work? Tim, Tim,
01:23:55
Speaker
We got Kim, Jim, and Tim. yeah Tim directed and Kim's getting sauced. And Jim's just kind of there. Yeah. Jim beats women.
01:24:06
Speaker
That's true. We don't like that. Unless they fucking deserve it. Right. well
Conclusion and Podcast Wrap-Up
01:24:11
Speaker
course Yeah. Unless they had it coming. We're kidding. It's a joke. She was asking for it.
01:24:20
Speaker
She finds Edward in Anne's attic. And Kim says ah that Kevin's fine, but she was just so afraid and thought that he was dead. Then we get a jump scare of George, who tries to shoot Eddie with a gun. Who the fuck is George? George.
01:24:41
Speaker
Yo, what? What the fuck? Why did he correct to George? Jim to George? I'm literally reading what it says, and that's why i didn't catch it. ah It's Jim, it's not George.
01:24:54
Speaker
And he tries to shoot Eddie, and he misses, and he tries again, and Kim blocks the bullet, so he fires up into the ceiling.
01:25:05
Speaker
Uh, and because he fires and saying more, the thing falls on Eddie. Uh, he beats the shit out Eddie after this. It's like without, without, uh, uh, uh, fire poker. thought he was like kicking them.
01:25:17
Speaker
Well, he was kicking them. Then he grabbed the fire poker start beating the fuck out of them. Uh, then it says Kim hits Geiger over the head. I don't know who Geiger is.
01:25:28
Speaker
I've Leroy Jim. Uh,
01:25:32
Speaker
But some baller ass shit, she knocks fucking Jim over and she holds Eddie's fucking scissor hand to his neck. She's like, don't fucking move. I'll fucking kill you myself.
01:25:43
Speaker
Let's hate fuck right now. But he's like, fuck this. And he like Spartan kicks her off of him. He slaps her then Spartan kicks her. ah Then we get Eddie stab Jim in the gut and get him out the window of this mansion.
01:26:00
Speaker
He's dead. So he falls to the ground. And like the camera angle, like he falls to the ground. You see it from overhead. He's dead. got blood coming out of his chest. And you hear this mob approaching. I wrote down very Dark Knight-esque.
01:26:13
Speaker
Yeah. but like The next part could be like, I have to go. But they'll chase you. Let them chase me. Send the dogs on me. You know what I mean? It's like literally the ending of the fucking Dark Knight.
01:26:28
Speaker
Um, here, Kim says that she loves Eddie. She's in love with him now. Head over heels. He didn't say, I love you. that Nope. Cause he doesn't know what love So I want to know what love is.
01:26:41
Speaker
Please. um
01:26:46
Speaker
Kim goes downstairs and grabs a ah scissor hand and then comes out and tells the mob that they both killed each other and holds the hand up. She's holding a scissor hand.
01:26:57
Speaker
I ripped it off his corpse. We cut back to the grandma who was Kim, but for some reason, ah the granddaughter, Tim Burton, had to write like this. The grandma asked, but how did you know?
01:27:10
Speaker
Because I am Kim. ah you have Like, why? Obviously. Um, and she said, and the granddaughter is like, you can still go back up there. It's like, yeah, but I want him to remember me the way that he does when I was young and I had fucking perky tits and a nice ass. Now I'm all wilted and old. Yeah. That's fair.
01:27:31
Speaker
That's valid. You know, my puss is caught more cobweb than his house. Exactly. Dusty as fuck. Um, and the granddaughter asked how she knows if Eddie is still alive and she's like, well, I just have a feeling.
01:27:44
Speaker
And she said before that Eddie came down and never snowed. And now it does. And we cut to Eddie who is sculpting ice sculptures in his attic. Of her. Of her.
01:27:55
Speaker
Which one was of her? It was like a woman. So I'm assuming it's her. Okay. um And that's the end of the movie, guys. I mean, we went on some fucking wild tangents in this fucking episode. yeah this this This is an hour and 46 of chaos.
01:28:10
Speaker
Yeah, it probably um shouldn't have went that long, but you know, oh tangents happen. Love that button. I like spaghetti. Right. um You dropped your rating, but I don't know if you're going actually drop it again, meaning like lower it.
01:28:28
Speaker
I'm going to lower it to just a three and a half because the ending really falls off. I had it at a four. It's going to a three and a half. I'm going to hit this and I'm never going to beat the allegations.
01:28:39
Speaker
Hitting this with a three. You hate every movie. Remember that? Yeah, I do. It's three. Well, actually, if we're going to say hate every movie, can I just give you my recent history of movies that I've watched?
01:28:51
Speaker
Sure are. i watch and joorno I watched Aaron Brockovich and you're saying who gives a fuck? Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Guess who directed it?
01:29:03
Speaker
Steven Soderbergh. He directed Presence, which we and I both loved. We did. So I was like, let me watch this movie. You know what I gave it? Four and a half stars. Wow. All right. So who hates movies now?
01:29:15
Speaker
Ignore the other fucking two and a half, three stars that are on here right now. But how about that? And the one star and the two and a half and the two. But then you get Cat and Hat, five stars.
01:29:26
Speaker
Boom. Who hates movies now? cold Then you got you got two more threes. A two. But then you got a three and a half and a four star. Then you got a three again. And another three. And another three.
01:29:38
Speaker
Well, it's fine. A few threes in there. Then you got Harry Potter, The Owls Part 2. Four and a half stars, baby. That's a W. W. W. Then you got the original Wolfman. Three and a half stars.
01:29:50
Speaker
There you go. Yeah, i means... coming There's good movies out there, damn it. We're coming soon, y'all mean? All right. um Let's just say this one more time. I think you guys know by now, this could be episode fucking 78 for all I know.
01:30:04
Speaker
We love everybody. The jokes to me are just jokes. yeah Obviously, there's just to be funny. Relax. ah But here's your... plugy Follow us on Instagram, 2Guys1ScreenPod.
01:30:18
Speaker
Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to 2Guys1ScreenPod at gmail.com. Follow us on TikTok, YouTube, Letterboxd.
01:30:30
Speaker
That's in the description as well as send us a voicemail, 508-8-5-0. 508-834-7847. No balls, you won't. five eight eight three four seven eight four seven no balls you won't pussies you probably won't fuck i won't but it's all right it's there for you if you want to yep you can even just don't you know you can vent to us you know you need a therapy session let us know you can tell us your problems yeah well i'm not telling you mine but you can tell me yours we'll direct you to a movie that might help you i probably will make we'll suggest when they make it make it worse oh you got raped try iit i spit on my cream
01:31:10
Speaker
That's a cut. Is it? i don't know. Should we cut it? Probably. Who's going to call us? You and me said they got and say they got raped.
01:31:20
Speaker
That's true. You should probably call the cops. If you're calling us to say you got raped, you're counting real bad. yeah they We're sorry for you, but if you actually got raped, you definitely should not call us.
01:31:31
Speaker
Right. If you have like a pay phone, do not spend your last cents on calling us. Okay. Don't spend your last minutes leaving us a voicemail. We would appreciate it, but don't make it about being raped. Right. Cause we'll just direct you to, I spit on your grave or like the OG or the remake.
01:31:47
Speaker
Right. Or two or three. There's like four I'm pretty sure. Unfortunate. Um, I have no idea what's coming after this. Neither do you.
01:31:59
Speaker
um I just want to say that today we're like three days away from the launch of our Harry Potter franchise. I'm very excited for that. it's Today's Sunday is coming out Tuesday.
01:32:10
Speaker
It's coming. I'm very excited. to episodes I'm so hyped. So, so excited to listen to these episodes again. know what I'm saying? um ah Check out all that shit.
01:32:22
Speaker
maybe Maybe when this comes out, we're getting ready to start our second or third or fourth annual um Halloween Horror October Spooky Spectacular.
01:32:33
Speaker
That was way too many words. Who knows? wrap um If we're doing that, do that. do it But ah thank you for listening to another another edition of The Vault.
01:32:45
Speaker
And we'll see you guys next week. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark. All the way in The Vault.