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EP. 42 Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Setup
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the two guys one screen podcast aka the Poetown boys aka the hemorrhoid homies. My name is Nick and I'm Gerald and today we continue into the world of Harry Potter.
00:00:13
Speaker
We're we're in it now baby with the prisoner of Azkaban. This is when shit starts getting real good. Plug it plug in. Follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com.
00:00:33
Speaker
Follow us on Letterboxd. Follow us on TikTok if it it exists at this moment. Please Trump. Please Trump. And ah send us a voicemail at 5088 fist us.
00:00:47
Speaker
5088 dip tip. five eight eight dip tip Links will be in the description. Are you okay? Are you okay? Yeah, I forgot. I forgot my one at the end.
00:00:59
Speaker
ah Yeah, do all that.
Pre-recording Insights and Senior Quotes
00:01:02
Speaker
We're recording this. Obviously, you haven't picked up on it, we pre-recorded all of our Harry Potter episodes. ah Today is the first day of 2025, January 1st.
00:01:11
Speaker
Woohoo. The Nosferatu clip was just posted on TikTok. It's doing pretty good, but I wanted to just share... A comment we got on the... It's the only comment we got, but a comment we got on the on the clip.
00:01:26
Speaker
So at the end of the clip, I took a screenshot of our Letterboxd ratings. And like we both have it at a three and a half. And this guy... don't want to make fun of him, but he does look kind of doofy.
00:01:39
Speaker
Okay. um He comments at first three and a half out of four question mark. And I replied with the account page.
00:01:51
Speaker
Out of five. Then he writes. The movie is a five out of five. like Okay. I didn't write anything back. But thank you for your input. ah Andy.
00:02:01
Speaker
Thanks Andy. It kind of jake kyle looks like yeah it's go be Jake. It's like Jake in like five years. Burner account.
00:02:12
Speaker
But hope he does have a thousand followers. Okay so. It's okay Andy. You know, everything movies are subjective. Ratings are subjective. yeah And if you loved it, we're happy you loved it.
00:02:25
Speaker
Also, on what world does scales go up to four? Out of four? think it's weird. I think it's weird i think some Like, do you know, like when they they show trailers for movies and they show like star ratings all over the screen? I think some certain critics or whatever give it out of four, which is odd. We should just all be on the same page. Like we should just get rid of the metric system.
00:02:49
Speaker
because we're well Yeah, I agree with that. No, that's a joke because everybody uses metric and we don't. We should just adopt metric technically. like But we're Americans. Fucking proud of them. Shout out Mr. Futterman.
00:03:00
Speaker
I need Mr. Futterman sound effect. Yeah, you do. Like something about America. Something about America. I got to find something. Remind Nick in post. Figure something out. Hey, Nick in post. Figure something out.
00:03:12
Speaker
All right. We'll move into the cast. Cast and scene by scene. The director a new director for this one is no longer Christopher Columbus.
00:03:23
Speaker
We have Alfonso Caron, who... I haven't seen much that he's directed. He did direct Gravity, which is that Sandra Bullock movie. Have you seen that?
00:03:36
Speaker
I haven't seen it. I have. How is it? Mid? It's mid because it it was like built for IMAX. If you're watching it in like your house, you're just like...
00:03:48
Speaker
You're just floating around in space. Hmm. all right. Well, with how bad I can't see and how quick my eyes are, I probably wouldn't get much out of Oh, it's a lot. It's very dark because space.
00:03:59
Speaker
probably won't get shit out of it, i don't think. ah He also directed a movie called Children of Men. It's a big one. That's actually a big blind spot in my movie watching. I haven't seen it.
00:04:10
Speaker
Children of Men? Yeah. It's supposed to be like a wildly impressive movie. Oh. ah average rating Letterboxd, 4.3. Damn. I'm going to add it to my watch list right now, actually. I've been meaning watch it.
00:04:22
Speaker
He also directed this movie that I saw, and it does have a criteria on, but I haven't bought it yet because I'm edging myself. It's called Tu Mama Tambien, which means, and your mom too, English.
00:04:34
Speaker
Okay. How about that? ah And it's about these two guys who bring this woman with them. I forgot the relationship exactly, but they bring this woman with them on a road trip.
00:04:48
Speaker
And essentially they all discover their sexuality. There's a lot of fucking scenes. And at the end, at the end, the boys figure out because they're like best friends that they're actually gay for each other. Oh, that's okay. That's good. Yeah.
00:04:59
Speaker
There's actually one. Well, I'm not going to spoil it. ah There's a lot of a lot of sexual tension in that movie. A lot of sex. I'm pretty sure there is. There's definitely tit. Nice. um The first time i watched it was on an iPhone.
00:05:13
Speaker
So there's that. Anyways, if you like horny movies, if you like Challengers, i don't think you saw Challengers, but if you like Challengers, ah yeah check it out. gave it a three only. um So he hasn't directed much.
00:05:26
Speaker
No, other than that, he has a
Magical Discoveries and Secrets
00:05:27
Speaker
couple of other films that I'm not familiar with. This looks like a so ah fucking porno. also I swear to God. It's called Great Expectations. Look at it. It's like a fucking porno.
00:05:37
Speaker
guy's horny. Yeah. Horny boy, man. 1998. The year we came out. The year we were born. The year we came out. The year we came out as gay. Ethan Hawke and Gwyneth Paltrow. I feel like this is probably a movie i should watch.
00:05:47
Speaker
Okay. It's based on the Charles Dickens classic novel, Great Expectations, which was a book I had to read in school. He also directed this movie. I can't pronounce this.
00:06:00
Speaker
Is that Natalie Portman? That's fucking Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman, Steve Buscemi, Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal. What is this movie? Whoa.
00:06:10
Speaker
Hold up. Wait a Harris Jataim? I don't know. I'm sorry. i I'm terrible. It has a terrible rating on Letterboxd, but it's literally Natalie Portman Steve Buscemi.
00:06:22
Speaker
That's interesting. Maggie Gyllenhaal, who was ah Rachel in the Batman Nolan trilogy. Yes. Well, she only around for two of them. Spoiler alert.
00:06:33
Speaker
Sorry. And she definitely would get. I mean, honestly, Maggie Gyllenhaal.
00:06:39
Speaker
You got it. Yeah. um I'm excited for her debut movie, ah The Monster, which is that Frankenstein or The Bride. The Bride. Yeah. The Bride. Sorry. Anyway, so this dude hasn't directed much that we've seen, but let us know if you've seen it of his movies.
00:06:54
Speaker
um We have a ton of new members to the cast. Some of them are very important. Correct. ah Let's start with probably the most important one, which is they changed double doors. Yeah.
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, the old Dumbledore died, so that's why they had to change him. R.I.P. Sure. Sure. Sure. I mean, I like this Dumbledore better, but I don't want I don't want the guy to die. But you know what i mean I don't want the guy die either. But the guy that he did have, he was kind. He didn't really have much to him. I feel like Michael Gambon, who plays this version of Albus, has more personality to him.
00:07:33
Speaker
Oh, yeah. The other guy was just kind of oh Yeah. I agree. I agree with that a lot, actually. um I should make that o a sound.
00:07:44
Speaker
Whatever Dumbledore shows up. actually really That's actually a really good impression, dude. Thank you. ah Gary Oldman joins the cast as Sirius Black. I'm convinced Gary Oldman is one of the best actors alive.
00:07:59
Speaker
Everything he's in, man. You know I say that a lot, but like I'm just so convinced. like I talked about when I watched True Romance. He was so good in it. He's so good in this. He's good in the rest of the films he appears in yeah as far as the Harry Potter franchise is concerned.
00:08:13
Speaker
He was fucking Dracula. That's crazy. The guy does everything. he yeah The guy does literally everything. ah We have David Thewlis, who ah is Remus Lupin.
00:08:26
Speaker
Another big guy. yup I love Lupin. He's a good character. Great character, yeah. ah Timothy Spall as Peter Pettigrew, who was also... They basically got the Harry Potter cast to do Sweeney Todd.
00:08:42
Speaker
That's true. I don't know what came out first, but don't hold me to that. but it's They're all 2000 movies, aren't they? Sweeney Todd's like 2000-something. Is it 7? Or is it earlier?
00:08:53
Speaker
If it's 2007, I'll literally come with my pants. I ah I'm not looking it up. Okay, you can look it up because I'm i not going to leave the cast list. Emma Thompson plays Professor Trelawney.
00:09:08
Speaker
I think she gets the button. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. i was really concerned that you were going to hit the bedoing button. ah No, no, no, no, no. ah Yes.
00:09:22
Speaker
Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, 2007. two thousand seven ah We have to review it now. yeah There's no choice. We have to. Pam Ferris is Marge Dursley.
00:09:33
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. Fuck her, dude. Piece of shit. Yeah, she's a fucking piece of shit, dude. ah Julie Christie is Madame Rosemerta. She was the bartender that ah Ron had the hots for.
00:09:45
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know why Ron had that. He's fucking it. He's fucking it. I don't know if I would. He ain't fucking it. We're not fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Lenny Harry, who voices the shrunken head on the bus.
00:09:58
Speaker
Love that guy. Where's the driver? Should be in here. Good old Ernie. Yeah, take it away, Ernie. There's Ernie and there's a guy that's a conductor.
00:10:09
Speaker
doesn't give a fuck. Sam Shunpike, I believe his name is. um don't know we shouted out Seamus ever, but Devon Murray plays Seamus. Seamus Finnegan. He has a little little more in this movie.
00:10:20
Speaker
He pops up every once in a while, you know? Yeah. Jimmy Gardner is Ernest Ernie. Ernie Prang. There he is. Lee Ingleby plays Stan Shunpike.
00:10:32
Speaker
There you go. ah And that's the cast. I think we're good with that. Thanks, Lee. wait
00:10:41
Speaker
We will. We're also going to do continue our. ah What do you call this? Wizarding profile? Harry Potter profile? Yeah. The thing on the Harry Potter website.
00:10:53
Speaker
So the first episode we did the wand and the house. We were sorted. We were sorted like my laundry.
00:11:03
Speaker
Yeah. Yes. Guys that bring the darks and the lights. Yo. Hey, shout out this movie because they introduce another black guy.
00:11:19
Speaker
Who's the other black guy? The dude that's talking about the Grimm when they're in Trelawney's class. Little fat dude.
00:11:31
Speaker
I didn't see him. Okay. Sorry. Good for Harry Potter for being a little more diverse.
00:11:38
Speaker
ah We'll start the scene by scene. I do have one button that's a bit of a deep cut, but we'll see what happens. The movie opens with a... It's Harry... It's Harry hitting his... He's hiding under his... He's not hiding. He's just under his bedsheets, but he's not wearing bedsheets, okay? Don't get it twisted. Yeah, stop it.
00:11:58
Speaker
Yeah. Uh... Luminous Maxima, which makes his wand ah shed some light. a um And he's essentially reading comic. or in can I believe they incantations. i thought it was like the.
00:12:13
Speaker
was like words to. ah like spell book? Yeah. yeah How to wave your wand around. Yeah, I'll wave my wand around. All right. ah And then we get a title card right in the middle of it.
00:12:25
Speaker
and We cut back. Go ahead. Wouldn't it be easier just to like keep your wand lit? I guess he doesn't he can't keep it lit. He doesn't know Lumos yet. He just knows Lumos Maxima.
00:12:37
Speaker
Which I don't know what difference is because I'm not a Harry Potter like ah enthusiast. So Lumos is basically like their flashlight ah that they use later in the movie. This one, he's just kind of like like spurt in it. His wand kind of spurt in a little light.
00:12:54
Speaker
spewing light. Yeah. Uh, And there's like a couple of times Vernon comes upstairs to look at him and he just hides under the under his bed. She's like, he's sleeping.
00:13:06
Speaker
And then we cut to ah some banging on the front door and it's Vern. I say Vern. Vernon. Have I been saying Vern? It's Vernon. Vernon. It's Vernon and not vermin.
00:13:19
Speaker
No, but I would fucking kill Vernon like vermin. Yeah. He is dead. He arrives with Marge, who I thought was James's sister, right? Nah, it's his sister.
00:13:32
Speaker
It's his sister? It's his sister. ah They arrive and with with Marge's dog. Good old Marge. Sorry.
00:13:44
Speaker
Yes? ah And Marge walks in. She's a bit of a fucking she wants everything to be like perfect for her. Like she's like the shit, but she's not.
00:13:55
Speaker
You shit. Harry asked Vernon to sign ah essentially a ah slip for school. And he's like, if you behave and Harry's like, well, if she behaves, I'll behave.
00:14:07
Speaker
That's fair. Some gangster shit right there. Yeah, and they walk into living room and essentially Marge is like, I would have dumped Harry at an orphanage like a long time ago. Like what?
00:14:18
Speaker
What the fuck is everybody's problem with Harry? Well, yeah, they're muggles. That's the problem. I get it, but he's still a kid. Yeah, ah they're all like sitting down doing whatever Harry has to like clean and serve food as he typically does when he's in this house. It's like their butler.
00:14:36
Speaker
Right. ah And Marge calls Harry's father a drunk, which made ah Harry pretty mad. And her glass shatters in her hand. And she writes it off like, oh, I got a strong grip.
00:14:47
Speaker
You can grip it and rip it. ah She can't grip me. i'll i yeah yeah Yeah, I mean, we ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it.
00:14:58
Speaker
Did that one happen? Or did you only do one? It only did one. Or I set it in sync. Oh, that'd be crazy. That would be pretty. I didn't intend to do that. um Then she says some crazy ass shit ah ah about Harry's mom. And she's like, if there's something wrong with the bitch, there's something wrong with the pup. Meaning Harry's the pup.
00:15:18
Speaker
And Harry's had enough. He tells her to shut up. ah Yeah, like it was pretty obvious that, yeah, she's making the dog, you know, reference. But it's pretty obvious that she's just straight up calling Harry's mom a bitch.
00:15:30
Speaker
It's pretty rude. Yeah. harry don' how him It kind of makes you think like maybe, you know, Salazar Slytherin had a point. Get rid of these fucking muggles.
00:15:41
Speaker
Yeah. Fucking kill them all. Mass genocide of the muggles. Oh, man. ah So Harry tells her shut up and her finger starts to swell. And then slowly her whole body begins to swell. And she kind of floats away like a balloon.
00:15:57
Speaker
Yeah. Burn in, not burn. He tries to hold on to her and she's like, don't you fucking let go. He's like, sorry. And he just lets it over. Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. Uh, Harry runs upstairs.
00:16:10
Speaker
He kicks his wardrobe pretty aggressively. Could have brushed that foot there, hair. Yeah, dude. Hair. I i know him. Yeah. We're friends. Shout out Daniel Radcliffe.
00:16:22
Speaker
Come on the pod. Yeah. Come the pod. That'd be awesome. Uh, he He takes his shit and he's like, I'm leaving. And Vernon tries to stop him, but Harry pulls his wand out, not his cock.
00:16:36
Speaker
but belong And Vernon's like, don't even fucking think about it. He's like, you can't use magic outside school. And he's like, fucking try me, dude. Yeah, try me, motherfucker. I'll give a fuck about you. I'll fucking kill you.
00:16:49
Speaker
avanavver dude ah Still no Stupefy yet. I'm fucking patiently waiting. Next movie. I promise. God damn it. You got to get that clip. I want that. but I already have it ready. oh
00:17:02
Speaker
um So Harry walks. He's walking through this like neighborhood and he sits down near a park and a the lamp, the street lamp above starts flickering and the swing set behind him all stuff in the park starts moving.
00:17:17
Speaker
yeah And he sees it like a ghost or some shit. Right. And he sees a wolf or a dog. What do you what is it? It's a dog. I would call it black dog. It's like a combo. It's like a it's like i a dog was on steroids.
00:17:31
Speaker
It's not quite a wolf, but it's a dog. it's yeah And a bus pulls up It's a triple decker, not even a double decker, a triple decker pecker wrecker. That's crazy. Go ahead.
00:17:43
Speaker
y'all Y'all probably don't know about the double decker pecker wrecker, do you? No, you didn't. Yeah. Clip that and put that picture in with the clip. the Yeah. Brock Lesnar.
00:17:55
Speaker
Cock Lesnar. And the bus is, they're the emergency service for stranded wizards. And the conductor is Stan Shunpike, who really does not give a fuck about his job.
00:18:09
Speaker
No. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say. just read off piece paper. ah And Harry kind of glances over the jacked dog wolf. but What you looking at?
00:18:23
Speaker
um Ernie's the driver. There's also that talking head I mentioned. and and Jamaican head out of nowhere. We're in Britain. This head's Jamaican. Right. Very, what's the word?
00:18:35
Speaker
Cultural appropriation. ah Take it away, Ernie. Take it away, Ernie. That was actually very good. thank you
00:18:46
Speaker
And Ernie drives like a fucking lunatic. Harry asks them to take him to the Leaky Cauldron. That's what I call my ass after i eat Taco Bell. that's That's actually really funny.
00:18:58
Speaker
but That's good, dude. What is the deal? I wanted to ask you this before i keep going. What is the deal with the Leaky Cauldron? How come when they get there, is that like the hangout? Yeah, it's like the spot.
00:19:09
Speaker
It's like the spotlight in Friends they have that fucking place. Right. It's where all the wizards go. It's like a wizard pub. It's like the hub. Hub area. like, if you know, you know. Yeah.
00:19:20
Speaker
Which I didn't. Yeah. While they're on the bus, Harry sees Sean Pike reading the newspaper, which on the car front page news, Sirius Black has escaped ah the prison of Azkaban.
00:19:34
Speaker
It's a problem. And Harry doesn't know who Sirius Black is, and Sean Pike's kind of shocked. But ah Sean Pike tells Harry that he's a murderer and a huge supporter of Voldemort.
00:19:48
Speaker
He's the big supporter of you-know-who. He's like, what's your name again? And Harry's like, I didn't tell you. On purpose. Bitch. oht fucking don't Isn't that marked on his head kind of like, you can't figure it out, Shunpike, you fucking idiot? Well, this guy's fucking, he's an idiot. That's the thing.
00:20:08
Speaker
He's probably not looking. Plus, I'm not sure Harry tries to keep it covered. Right. I try to keep my willy covered. Right. I would put like makeup on it or something. Your willy?
00:20:20
Speaker
If I had a scar on my forehead that, you know, only I have. But yeah, my willy too. i paint it black. So it it appears bigger. ah Harry arrives at the Leaky Cauldron.
00:20:31
Speaker
Hedwig is already there, and he walks into this room where ah Fudge is already there waiting for him. Also, I don't like this guy that but brings Harry up.
00:20:42
Speaker
like he looks like the He looks like the Toxic Avenger. Yeah, he's like a ta Toxic Avenger mixed with Quasimodo. Also, the Toxic Avenger is a good movie. don't care everybody says. People hate that movie? I don't know. I'm just saying it's movie.
00:20:54
Speaker
i just want to yeah I just want to have it out there in the world. okay. Also, this guy laughs. He's like, ah ah ah
00:21:02
Speaker
um and he said that they were able to reverse Marge's swelling and erase her memory. So Harry's like, oh I got caught. I'm going to fucking jail, right? He's like, no, it's all good. yeah He's like, but it is pretty irresponsible. Just run away from home with a killer on the loose.
00:21:18
Speaker
And he's like, it'd be wise if you don't wander off anywhere. um and Harry's books for Hogwarts also are already there for him. We cut.
00:21:30
Speaker
We don't cut. Harry opens his ah book for monsters, which is like, a it looks like this the Sasquatch sunset packaging from Umbrella. Yeah, and you're damn right it does.
00:21:40
Speaker
ah It's got like teeth and like it's furry. Teeth, not a good movie. Yeah. Uh, that is, he opens it and it starts going crazy and hides under the bed.
00:21:55
Speaker
starts like he's eating at him. Right. That was very good. He's able to lure it out with a shoe. He steps on that bitch. And steps on it.
00:22:06
Speaker
Uh, we cut and he's downstairs like in the common room of this cauldron, leaky cauldron. And he's with, uh, Ron and Hermione. I got rid of that button. I'm sorry. I had a different one.
00:22:17
Speaker
It's okay. And in this movie, there's a couple things you need to know about this movie. One, Ron and Hermione argue the entire time. Yeah. They're getting sexual tension.
00:22:29
Speaker
Ron might be fucking it. We're not fucking it because she's underage. ah Correct. Which is wrong. Don't do that. Ron and her argue several times throughout this movie but because he thinks her cat, which does not have a name as far as the movie is concerned. Maybe it does.
00:22:46
Speaker
What's the cat's name? Crookshanks. He thinks that Hermione's cat Crookshanks. Fucking stupid name. ah a his Ate his his rat. I don't have the button. ah oh ah The Weasleys.
00:23:04
Speaker
ah arrive and ah Mr. Weasley pulls Harry aside. He's like, look, I'm going to tell you this and no one's allowed to be telling this, going to tell you anyways, you're in big danger.
00:23:16
Speaker
And he tells him that no matter what you hear, Black is a Black, Sirius Black, is a loyal servant to Voldemort. And he goes, swear to me, no matter what, you're not going to go looking for Sirius Black.
00:23:29
Speaker
He's like, why i look for someone who's trying to kill me? That's a very valid thing to say. You'll find out, Harry. Because it's a valid thing to say, but it's because ah Mr. Wheelie knows that... it feels like all there's it's just all myth, legend, rumor about Sirius Black, you know? yeah Because the truth could come out.
00:23:49
Speaker
Yeah, no one really knows.
00:23:52
Speaker
Because in this conversation, Mr. Weasley does not tell Harry what Harry ends up hearing. He leaves us some certain details. Right. um Yeah, there's no way he doesn't know.
00:24:04
Speaker
Right. He's just withholding information. Protect the innocent, which is Harry. They get on the Hogwarts Express, and they're in the only cart that has space, which ah there is a man sleeping in the corner. And this is Professor R.J.
00:24:18
Speaker
Lupin. Who called R.J. Lupin until Sirius Black enters the picture. Then they start calling him Remus. Right.
00:24:27
Speaker
ah And Harry tells Ron and Hermione the whole story about why how Sirius Black is looking for him. ah The train randomly stops on a bridge.
00:24:40
Speaker
And everything begins to ice over. And this, in fact, is the appearance of a Dementor. the The bears just drafted a Dementor. Sorry.
00:24:51
Speaker
It's in that video. I can't get sound effects from. I'm pissed. Uh, they look very, so I just watched Lord of the Rings for the first time. Hit it. Say it. what call we made Oh my sucks.
00:25:06
Speaker
Well, how it's mid. I was expecting mid, not sucks. Yeah. It's mid. I gave it three stars. Uh, Basically, the Dementors look like ringwraiths. That's what I was getting at.
00:25:18
Speaker
The fuck is there ringwraith? The fuck you mean? The dudes on the horses. Okay. I don't remember. i don't remember. That's what it is. Sorry you watched it literally yesterday, and I didn't watch fucking 500 movies this year. i don't fucking remember.
00:25:30
Speaker
Hey, you're okay. Last year, technically. You're okay. It's okay. So this Dementor comes into the cart and he starts sucking Harry off. Yeah, that's what they do. They suck you.
00:25:41
Speaker
They suck you dry. Yeah, they suck you till you're beyond dry, actually. They suck you dead. They suck you for so long that you die.
00:25:51
Speaker
And Lupin, who's been sleeping in the corner, he has like a ah jacket over him. He gets up and he's able to fend off the Dementor with a nice little blue light.
00:26:03
Speaker
Right. And Harry passes because he's been getting sucked off for so long. He wakes up. They're still on the train. And he's like, what's that, dude? And Lupin is like, that's a Dementor.
00:26:16
Speaker
All crap. The mayor's a Dementor. I can't get out of my head. ah It's so funny, dude. Shout out those guys who I think delete their TikTok account. That's sad. Yeah, it was a very funny video.
00:26:28
Speaker
that i'm I'm happy that I actually downloaded it to my phone. But anyways, Dementors are guards at Azkaban, and they stopped the train because they were looking for black.
00:26:39
Speaker
And Harry shares um with the group that when he was getting sucked off, he heard a woman screaming. That's not good. Not great. The last thing I want to hear is screaming when I'm getting sucked.
00:26:52
Speaker
ah Ron and Hermione didn't hear anything. they They tell him. We cut to the dining hall. ah where Dumbledore, this is another question that I have for you, but let me I'll just say this part first.
00:27:03
Speaker
Dumbledore announces that R.J. Lupin is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. They say in the first movie that Snape is like eyeing up that professor spot to the professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts.
00:27:19
Speaker
But every year they got a new drawn and it's not Snape. Yeah. If Snape wants it, why does he just take it? Well, I think, you know what? I think Dumbledore knows that every time someone new comes into the position, they get fucked up.
00:27:34
Speaker
It's just like not a position you want. I feel like Snape has got that dog in him, though. You what I mean? Yeah, he'd probably kill someone on the spot. He was ready to kill fucking... We'll get to that.
00:27:45
Speaker
Yeah. He was ready. He was ready. The wand at the ready. Yeah. Clack. I don't know. yeah i mean, you're right. ah But he did. ah He was a substitute teacher for it in this movie.
00:27:57
Speaker
Correct. He's very sassy. Uh, and somehow while Dumbledore is making his announcements, Draco gives Potter shit because he knows that he fainted on the bus on the train.
00:28:08
Speaker
How does he know? How does he know? Yeah. That's what Harry says. How fuck did he find out? How did he find that out? Because I mean, if Lupin him, that's fucked up. If Hermione him, that's fucked up. If Ron told him, that's fucked up.
00:28:20
Speaker
Fuck off. It's probably just like, you know, word of mouth. With that mouth do. i don't I didn't hear what Dumbledore said, but Hagrid also got a new position.
00:28:31
Speaker
Yeah, the ah the old like teacher of the like magical creatures or whatever retired. So Hagrid is now... In that position.
00:28:42
Speaker
The John of creatures. the The more important announcement is that the Ministry requested that all the Entrances and exits of Hogwarts have Dementors standing guard because they're looking for Sirius Black.
00:28:59
Speaker
And this part, he says this randomly. I believe this was your senior quote. Yes, sir, it was. i Look at me knowing things. He says that happiness can be found even in the darkness darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.
00:29:17
Speaker
Turn the fucking lights on. Turn it on. are you doing sitting in the dark? Do you think what Helen Keller was doing the whole time? dr so ah Why was she famous?
00:29:30
Speaker
Did she write something? How? I don't know. did she She knew Braille, right? Yeah, but a lot of people know bra Braille. Yeah. If you know why Helen Keller was famous, let us know. Jake hit us up.
00:29:43
Speaker
Yeah, Jake definitely knows. The students are dismissed from the dining hall and Gryffindor is trying to get in to their dormitory, but the painting is like trying to sing. She sucks. Yeah. Come on, fat lady.
00:29:54
Speaker
Yeah. That fat lady. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it, dude. Nah. He ain't fucking it. All right. There is two APA fucking. That's good. Um, like, alright, let us fucking in, dude.
00:30:06
Speaker
ah Then we cut to Professor Trelawney's class. She teaches like how to read tea leaves? What's the name of the class? I don't know. Some bullshit. Irrelevant shit. Correct.
00:30:18
Speaker
Because it is bullshit, and Hermione thinks it's bullshit. She thinks it's rubbish. Yeah. ah And every time Hermione appears in these classes, i Ron is like, you were not here this whole time. She's like, yeah, it was, Ron. Shut up.
00:30:30
Speaker
And, you know, normally Ron's an idiot, but You're something, boy. Right. And this is not like I don't understand. I thought reading tea leaves was like actual tea leaves. They have like grounds, grinds, coffee, grinds, grinds. I guess it's grinds.
00:30:44
Speaker
Yeah. In the cup. In the cut. All right. are We in the cut now, baby.
00:30:52
Speaker
ah And I guess you just look at him, and Ron thinks that his says, you're going to suffer and be happy about it. He's like, ah yeah, Harry, because like they're supposed to read the other person's cup.
00:31:06
Speaker
Yeah. He's like, yeah, Harry, you got you got a wonky crust. You want to read my cup? ah Yeah, sure. like you got a mic It's like you got a wonky crust, and it looks like the sun.
00:31:18
Speaker
ah So you're going to suffer, but you're going to be happy about it.
00:31:24
Speaker
So then Madame Tredoni looks into it. She's like, oh, there's no D dude. Tredoni. Isn't it? It's Trelawney. Trelawney. I don't fuck Kalani.
00:31:39
Speaker
Harry's got the grim dude, which sounds like an infection, but it's not. It's like the clap, you know? the like the clap from the menu which is not out yet uh the grim is a dark omen yeah so it's not usually takes the form of a giant black dog correct you blew it i blew it uh Class ends and they're walking and Ron points out that the Hermione is taking ancient ruins and ah that tea leaf reading class and they're scheduled at the same time. So how is she doing both?
00:32:15
Speaker
Oh, it's divination. There you go. i was going to write divination, but thought she was blah, blah, blah, and divination. And I was like, all right, I missed it. Just pulled it because I was just replaying that scene because I just watched the movie yesterday. So it's fresh.
00:32:29
Speaker
I watched it yesterday too. Think you're better than me? No, just think yes. Yeah. Uh, we cut to Hagrid's class, which is takes place outside.
00:32:42
Speaker
And, the monster book, you just gotta, to open it, just gotta stroke the spine. Yeah. Just stroke it. All you need to do. Uh, Draco's talking shit to Harry. What else is new?
00:32:57
Speaker
um and then he's like, Oh no, the mentor. And there's no Dementor, which freaks Harry out. And then they put their hoods on and they kind of look like Klan members. Who puts their hoods on? Like all the Slytherins. After Malfoy's like, Dementor! And then Harry looks and he turns back and they put their hoods on.
00:33:13
Speaker
Kind of look like Klan members.
00:33:16
Speaker
You can cut that if you want. I'm just saying. and yeah know I mean, we we we basically said that there they're Nazis, right? We already said that in the first episode. Yeah, Slytherins are like Nazis. Yeah.
00:33:29
Speaker
Hagrid introduces Buckbeak, which for some reason, autocorrect, always change it to Buckbean. don't know Buckbean is. One word. One word. I don't know what Buckbean is, but just so you know, if i if a Buckbean slips because of my fucking autocorrect. Oh, boy.
00:33:45
Speaker
And Buckbeak is a hippogriff. And it basically looks like a horse, has a bird's face, and it has wings. Yeah, and feathers. Right.
00:33:57
Speaker
Um...
00:33:59
Speaker
And hippogriffs are very easily offended. All right, Karens. Right. Hagrid asked Harry to be the example to come and greet the hippogriff. So it has you have to walk up to it, but not too close. You got to bow and you have to wait for a bow and return.
00:34:18
Speaker
Uh, and Harry's first bow don't go over. Well, but we don't like that shit. Nah, he started like rearing up a little bit. Yeah. But eventually, he does bow and Hermione's like scared for Harry for whatever reason, no reason.
00:34:34
Speaker
and you, it cuts and you see her like grab Ron's hand. Uh, we get it. We get it. There's, they're go fucking it. that Yeah. They fucking it. Eventually. Eventually.
00:34:45
Speaker
I mean, if they fucked it right, not right now, like in this movie, it'd be okay because they're both... They're like 13, though. this Yeah, but it's not like Ron's like 25 and he's like, I'm fucking it. Right. It would be legal.
00:34:57
Speaker
Technically. Technically. Two 13-year-olds having sex, is that illegal? I think you should wait a little longer, but... I agree with that. Yeah. I mean... Ugh. All right. Yeah.
00:35:08
Speaker
Ugh.
00:35:11
Speaker
Why did play again? I don't know. Ugh. yeah So, Harry's able to pet Buckbeak.
00:35:20
Speaker
And Hagrid's like, nice job, Harry. And he throws Harry on top of Buckbeak. And he gets to ride him now. Hey, yo, pause, Hagrid. Hey, yo, pause. And he smacks Buckbeak's ass. Hey, yo, ride it.
00:35:32
Speaker
i think Hagrid's into something besides, you know. Hagrid's got to take care of him. Dark forest, baby. He's fucking these animals, isn't he? Okay. Uh-oh. ah Harry gets sent on a big flight with Buckbeak around like Hogwarts and Buckbeak comes back and lands.
00:35:52
Speaker
Harry gets a big round of applause, which pisses off Draco. ah Swervo. Got that Draco on him. and And Malfoy's like, fuck this stupid animal.
00:36:04
Speaker
And he walks right over to Buckbeak. And this time it autocorrected to Bicbeak. Bicbeak? I don't know why he says that. It just autocorrects to random words. Like, my knee is still heroin. i it We're three movies or three movies in Still doesn't fucking get it.
00:36:20
Speaker
Fucking dumb technology, do I swear to God. ah But Malfoy gets kicked by the one of the front hooves of this creature. This creature.
00:36:32
Speaker
And he gets high um It's not snipped in the cut. you He gets a little scratch. And he of course, Malfoy is a fucking bitch. So he's like, I'm dying.
00:36:46
Speaker
So they had to end class early. It cuts the dining hall and Draco is telling his friends, I almost died. and almost lost my limb. Shut the fuck up. Fucking pussy. Oh, but I do want to mention something.
00:36:59
Speaker
I feel like the cinematography for this movie is like solid. Like this movie is definitely by so far the best one like shot, like, you know, shot for shot.
00:37:11
Speaker
its It looks nice. I agree with that. That's good. I miss Dolby, though. he He'll be back. I know. Just saying I miss him. I'll say that. ah In the dining hall, Sheamus announces that Sirius Black has been cited.
00:37:28
Speaker
And they're all kind of like theorizing if he's going to come to Hogwarts or not. And Harry's like, yeah, why would he do that? i wonder why. um We cut to Professor Lupin's class. W. I fucking think the concept of a Boggart, Boggart, Boggart, you say it?
00:37:46
Speaker
Boggart. Boggart. Boggart. I give you some of my Go-Gurt.
00:37:53
Speaker
To go, please. ah Terrifying. i like I like the concept. I do. ah So essentially it's a creature that no one knows what it is or what it looks like. It just takes on your biggest fear.
00:38:06
Speaker
That's scary. um Yeah, 100%. What do you think your bog art would look like? Oh, it's definitely like Ron's. Probably spider. fuck Yeah, you do have pretty big fear of spiders. Yeah. What would yours be?
00:38:19
Speaker
um I don't know. What am I scared of? Probably Pennywise. Okay, so like clowns? That dude freaks me out. Yeah, it'd be like clowns?
00:38:30
Speaker
Or just Pennywise? No, clowns don't bother me, but Pennywise freaks me out. and Okay. Jake's would probably be like loneliness. Jake's would be Hitler. i was i was gonna say I was gonna say mine would be loneliness, but I already am lonely, so I don't know what... Yeah. We're already living the nightmare, you know what i mean? Right.
00:38:48
Speaker
ah Maybe Jake's would be like women, you know? Mine could be women, keeping the argument. Yeah, but you've had women. Sorry, Jake. Hey, yo, I've had them.
00:39:01
Speaker
ah Let us know what your Bogart would Bogart. Yeah, what are you what's your biggest fears? Isn't Henry Bogart a person? Yeah, that sounds very familiar. think he is, right?
00:39:12
Speaker
Oh, is he the dude from... ah He's an actor, right? Bogart. Is he in Casablanca? It's Humphrey Bogart. Oh. We have a podcast. and Maybe he is from Casablanca. don't fucking know.
00:39:25
Speaker
He's in a bunch of movies. Casablanca. You nailed it, dude. Boom. Boom. ah Let us know when you're Bogart Boggart. Lupin tells the class the easiest way to get rid of a Bogart Boggart.
00:39:40
Speaker
Boggart. That's the problem. They say it with an accent, and i we're missing that here in America. You got to think of something that's silly and say the phrase ridiculous. um a kaza Yeah, so here's the problem I have with the book, right?
00:39:55
Speaker
So I listened to the... Here we go. Yeah, I listened to the... Well, it's not the book itself, but it's... So, yeah, in the movie, they pronounce it ridiculous, which I'm going to assume is the correct way to say it because J.K. Rowling had her hands, her grubby little hands all over these movies.
00:40:13
Speaker
and But in the book in audiobook version, they they call it ridiculous. Like, get the fuck out of here. So you think that the book is right and the movie is wrong, or do you think that... What do you think?
00:40:26
Speaker
Well... I don't know which one's right, but for me, canonically, the movie's right because it makes more sense with what they do to it. Ridiculous. That ass ridiculous.
00:40:37
Speaker
Back of your hair ridiculous. You ever seen that? No. No. Hey, girl, can get your number? Plug that in. All right. I'll show it to you later. All right. um So Neville's up first, and his biggest fear is Snape because the class laughs at him, but Snape is scary motherfucker.
00:40:51
Speaker
Yeah. He's the best character, though. And Lupin tells Snape, tell Snape, Lupin tells Neville, he's like, picture Snape wearing your grandma's clothing. Hello. How you doing? Hey.
00:41:02
Speaker
um So Snape, he releases the bugger and Snape walks out of it. It's not Snape, obviously. I mean, and it's Alan Rickman.
00:41:13
Speaker
I mean, Alan Rickman's acting here. Correct. ah Alan Rickman's a fucking legend. Yeah, he's great. I got to watch more movies with him in it. The problem is like most of them are like British movies, right? you just say they're gay. It's okay.
00:41:25
Speaker
They're gay. Oh, he's in that one movie.
00:41:30
Speaker
Sweeney Todd? Nah, it's another one. Is it Die Hard? Yeah, yeet. think one of the Die Hards. I think he's in the first Die Hard.
00:41:39
Speaker
But... ah Neville's able to transform the bogger into Snape wearing his grandmother's clothes, which works. Ron goes up next. His biggest fear, like you said, Gerald's spiders.
00:41:50
Speaker
And he's able to to give the spider on all his little legs rollerblades. He's like, you know, Harry gets up and... ah Oh, crap. There's steps in and the Dementor changes to a full moon, which is Lupin's biggest fear. Dun, dun, dun. Wonder why. He's able to...
00:42:19
Speaker
Alakazam the moon right into ah ah balloon that goes into the wardrobe when he locks it back in. Very nice sound effect. Thank you. Class is over.
00:42:30
Speaker
Cuts. And the class is going to visit the Hogsmeade Village. ah Any ah jokes to make? I tried. No. Any chance that I can drink your Hogsmeade?
00:42:44
Speaker
Yeah. I don't know. You definitely. Is hogs mead just dick cheese? fulfill I feel like a mead is like meats like alcohol, right? What is mead?
00:42:57
Speaker
Just look that up. It's like an ale, right? Mead is an alcoholic beverage by fermenting honey with water. Sounds kind of good. It does. ah With other ingredients like fruit, spices, or grains.
00:43:08
Speaker
Mead is also known as honey wine or hydromel. It can be still or carbonated. I'm fucking with it. Yeah. So it's kind of like meat out there. Mail it in.
00:43:19
Speaker
yeah like We don't have an address. Well, come is not carbonated. I can be if you put nitro like, you know, come and then like put like, what are you doing in your free time?
00:43:33
Speaker
The soundboard is giving me problems today. I'm not sure why. That's unfortunate. um
00:43:40
Speaker
Anyways, they're going Hogsmeade. And Hogni's just a crazy name. Harry can't go because his permission slip never got signed. And McGonagall has to fucking know that she dumped him on a family of rejects.
00:43:54
Speaker
And she's still like, you can't go. Fuck you, McGonagall. He's like, can you sign it? And she's like, I'm not a parent or a guardian. Piece of shit. You know who my fucking guardian is? Yeah, you fucking dumped me there, you piece of shit.
00:44:06
Speaker
And you know the other one is. He doesn't know that she knows that she dumped him there. Right. Fucking asshole. This fuck pissed me off. Fuck you. R.I.P. Maggie Smith, you're great, but fuck you for that.
00:44:18
Speaker
Yeah, just let him go. He's Harry Potter. He's Harry fucking bopper, man. um So Harry has to stay back and he goes to talk to Lupin and Lupin's like, yeah, I stopped the Boggart because he thought that the Boggart would take Voldemort's form, not ah the mentor, because I'm sure Harry's biggest fear probably is Voldemort.
00:44:43
Speaker
Right. But he just thought about well the night on the train. Which is more, you know, recency bias. Yeah. Harry tells Lupin that he heard a woman screaming. And Lupin's like, yeah, Dementors bring out our most painful memories. So it's probably something from back. We know what it's from. But Harry's like, must be something from back in the day.
00:45:01
Speaker
Yeah, no shit. It's when your mom died. Right. Lupin tells Harry that he knew his mother and that she was. All right. Here's where I'm going to insert my rant because I'm fucking sick of this.
00:45:14
Speaker
I really am sick of this.
00:45:17
Speaker
Before I say it, I want to say this. I love the Harry Potter franchise. I think it's one of the most consistently solid film-by-film franchises that you can find. And it's great, okay?
00:45:28
Speaker
I'm not saying it's not great. But this fucking pisses me off, all right? right, give it to me. Every goddamn movie in this franchise is is people talking to Harry. be like, hey, man, you're great.
00:45:42
Speaker
Your parents are so fucking cool. Too bad they're dead, but they're great. Okay, that's fine. Harry doesn't do shit in this movie, dude. Harry doesn't do shit. Harry, I'll say this.
00:45:53
Speaker
Harry hasn't done shit in three movies. In three movies, what has he done? He killed a snake. Fuck that. i mean, he did. No, he killed the snake. You're right killed a snake. That's pretty big.
00:46:05
Speaker
But I'm just saying, if he didn't have Hermione you know at his hip, he'd be he ain't shit. Harry ain't shit. i I feel like Hermione deserves all the credit. He stopped Voldemort in the first one.
00:46:18
Speaker
Because Hermione helped him. He didn't fucking know what was going on, dude. Well, no, he didn't. yeah no Dude, he had no... I'm just saying, I feel like every movie is just... You watch Harry ah talk to some new character who goes, Oh, yeah, your parents were great.
00:46:34
Speaker
and then And then some shit happens. Dumbledore makes those three fucking kids figure it out. And that's the end of the movie. i i'm not I love Harry Potter. I love the films. I'm just saying Harry Potter, I think as a wizard, is kind of overrated.
00:46:48
Speaker
Yeah. He ain't that great. No. He don't do shit. Yeah. Like, it should be called, like, Hermione Granger.
00:46:58
Speaker
Hermione. Well, I see why they didn't call it that. It's not very catchy. It doesn't rule off the tongue. No. Or should just be called, Hogwarts. Yeah. Wizarding world of Hogwarts.
00:47:09
Speaker
And then every movie just be called year one, year two, right? Three or the same titles. I don't know. Either way. It's huge. Obviously people love it. I just think Harry Potter. So everybody's like fucking coming over Harry's mom. Like, Oh, you have her eyes.
00:47:22
Speaker
Oh, I just, it's so fucking annoying. And they do it for fucking eight movies. Yeah. They're always like sucking his parents dicks. And then he's like, I don't think I'm that great. And they're like, you're great, Harry. You're great. You don't do much, but you're great. Yeah, you swallow the snitch.
00:47:39
Speaker
Okay, I'll give you that. You're good at Quidditch. Yeah, you know what? you're you're You're above average at Quidditch, Harry. yeah you can find the You can find what most men can't. The snitch.
00:47:50
Speaker
The golden snitch. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. It just kind of annoys me because i feel like he doesn't do anything. but No, not in this one, no. Next one he does. We got to keep a running list of what Harry does.
00:48:02
Speaker
Or doesn't do. yeah we just Yeah. Yeah, what doesn't he do himself? What does he have to rely on other people for? Because... I like the Chamber of Secrets. He does have the parcel tongue to open it.
00:48:15
Speaker
But it's like, I feel like it's, it's probably why they made it into a Lego game. Cause you need all these different characters have all these different abilities to get the job done. Not what I major That's a good game. By the way, I haven't played it but now that I've watched Harry Potter again, I want to play it, but I also don't have any kind of gaming console of any sort.
00:48:30
Speaker
Yeah. You're a little snitched. I'm little snatched. I don't know why said snatched. I gotta get my nutsack tucked. It's so long. It's so long, dude.
00:48:42
Speaker
It's so long. I got a stapler. A stapler. Just staple my nutsack to the back of my taint. Yeah. but Yeah. Dude, there would definitely be some serious magma buildup in between. Sew it! Sew i I'd be lucky if like I staple it. I could staple without anybody else's help. If does you sew it, I would need like you to help me.
00:49:02
Speaker
Is your sack skin like tough like an armadillo? No, I wish it was. That'd be weird, though. I'd be concerned. I feel like if it was, it'd probably weigh a little bit more. That's true. over Right now, I'm... Never mind.
00:49:16
Speaker
Let's go back to this. I know I'm really fucking hard. no Yeah. Oh, Lupin's basically sucking his Harry's mother's clit. ah And he says his father had a town for trouble with which Harry's also inherited.
00:49:29
Speaker
But Harry's not searching out. I mean, I guess he kind of is. No, sometimes he kind of is. But also, it's kind of bullshit that Dumbledore like knows going on. He's like I'm not gonna do anything about it. I just don't fucking like that.
00:49:39
Speaker
That does bother me. Like, you know, dude, and you're like, and everybody's sucking va ah Dumbledore's dick, too. don't do shit until later. He don't do shit. Yeah. We got a couple movies before he starts doing stuff. Before he actively gets involved.
00:49:52
Speaker
And it's like, if vol if this is Voldemort, you got to get involved, bro. Right. You're like supposed to be like the strongest wizard ever. Everyone looks to you. Right.
00:50:02
Speaker
Also, let me just say this. going to say this. Let's just get it all out there. Okay. Hermione should have ended up with Harry, not with Ron. I agree with that. Fucking stupid. Yeah, but then Ron can't go get with Ginny. That's his sister.
00:50:17
Speaker
Right, but Ron could get with Cho.
00:50:21
Speaker
That'd be crazy. Cho's a piece, though. so i
00:50:30
Speaker
Uh, dude, uh, uh, an Asian redhead be crazy. Oh man. It would look like that chick from the Gangnam Style music video. I still think about her. Yeah. It was like 10 years ago.
00:50:41
Speaker
That's like, uh, that's like the best genetics genetics you can get. We're just both sitting here hard. Redhead Asian. Damn. That's what I'm trying to do. Any Asian there, hit me up.
00:50:55
Speaker
I like Chinese food. I've been to Singapore. There you go. you could probably hong kong And I've been to Hong Kong. Look at you. Go to Hong Kong, lay your long dong. Okay, let's not do that.
00:51:06
Speaker
Go to Hong Kong, give your long dong. Yeah, if you could make my dong longer, that'd be great. um Tangent. Yeah, we cut back to ah the students trying to and enter Gryffindor and they can't because the fat lady is not in the painting.
00:51:21
Speaker
She got ripped. Yeah, all the paintings are actuallying the painting is actually ripped. Very good call. ah The paintings are all acting up. Dumbledore and Filch show up and they notice it.
00:51:33
Speaker
And Dumbledore, this is fucking stupid. Dumbledore's like, have all the ghosts look for the lady. And Filch is like, she's right there. Yeah. yeah She's hiding behind a hippo. And she says doesn't say Black's name, but she basically says he's here in Hogwarts, which freaks the ah students out.
00:51:51
Speaker
So Hogwarts goes into lockdown. All the students are like kind of huddled into the dining hall where they're all sleeping. And Harry is, again, pretend sleeping, listening to he does it in every movie.
00:52:02
Speaker
He just every pretends sleeping. He just gets information and then just tells ron Hermione. He's like, now what do we do? That's true. Maybe he has insomnia. He's got a stressful life, though. Everybody's coming for him for no reason.
00:52:17
Speaker
He sucks. like You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, as far as... Alright. um I'm going to wait until we finish this series to talk about that more, but I really genuinely feel like Harry Potter is literally... It's like not even his movie.
00:52:32
Speaker
I know it's called Harry Potter, but I feel like it's not even his movie. he's like He's like a whiny bitch, kind of like Anakin. He's not even a whiny bitch, it really, I don't think. I feel Ron is the whiny bitch.
00:52:44
Speaker
Yeah, harry he's Harry's got some balls on him. I will say Harry's very like stoic for the most part. He definitely belongs in Gryffindor. i agree. Cause he asked. Cause Yitch is right.
00:52:56
Speaker
Back to the last episode. All right. um So Snape is concerned. He's like, he's telling Dumbledore, remember I told you that like I think, you know, a teacher could possibly be helping Black get into Hogwarts.
00:53:08
Speaker
And Dumbledore shuts it down. He's like, no, no, no, that's not fucking going on. But Dumbledore has to know what's going on. Right. He, this the thing. If Dumbledore is this all knowing being, why is Dumbledore not know that Sirius Black is fucking innocent?
00:53:21
Speaker
That's what I'm thinking. Maybe he does know. Okay. He's got to know. What's the play? Let him in. ah And to Snape's credit here, he wants to warn Harry. And Dumbledore's also like, no Like, why?
00:53:36
Speaker
Snape fucking hates Harry. But he's like, he's got to know. He's got to know. Snape hates Harry because he couldn't stick his wand In his harry mom. yeah right He got cucked, so he's mad.
00:53:48
Speaker
stole the rest of the fucking franchise for you guys. Also, to be fair, James Potter was a douche. James Potter was like basically Draco. Yeah, he fucking bullied Snape, so.
00:53:58
Speaker
What a piece of shit. Fucking, and give us more Snape. Yeah, we got to say this for the end, but I really want more. he but He has a whole movie dedicated to him, so that's fair. But yeah, it's the most boring one of the movies.
00:54:09
Speaker
I like the franchise. It's fucking boring as shit. Shit. all right. It's fucking shit. get You get your dick, you get your pussy and your dick all covered in shit.
00:54:23
Speaker
What's that from? ah Team America World Police. I haven't it in a long time. I have seen it. It's mid. I own it. It's one of the shout ones, I think, right? Mid as fuck. But the end is pretty good.
00:54:34
Speaker
Oh, the doll fucking scene? the The metaphor about taking a shit or something like that? We cut to... They're in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, which a fucking mouthful say, by the way. Is there like a shorter fucking something?
00:54:49
Speaker
Dada. Dada. They're inde in Dada class. And... And daddy is subbing. Snape. That's true. Poppy Snape is subbing. And they all want to know where Lupin is. He's not telling them. He just says, turn to page 394. Yeah.
00:55:05
Speaker
oh yeah And we learned the difference here between an animagus and a werewolf. So an animagus is basically a shapeshifter that can do it whenever he or she chooses to do so.
00:55:19
Speaker
And a werewolf cannot choose. No choice. You don't choose. right They took your rights away. And he's he was asking the class if anybody knew the difference. and Hey, that's good, though.
00:55:32
Speaker
Harry Potter's pro-choice. Don't you think it's probably like mad easy to get an abortion in Harry Potter? Just fucking Avada Kedavra? Oh, you might actually hit the person. that Right. Maybe they have ah ah a charm, a spell that's like rip specifically for inside the baby. gotta stick the wand like in the pussy or like in the belly button.
00:55:51
Speaker
Uh-huh. In the Goblet of Fire video game, they have a spell that's not in the movies. It's called Capde Retractum. And it like you like kind of like grab on. It's of like Spider-Man's web. You grab onto it and you pull shit.
00:56:04
Speaker
So maybe they can do that into the pussy and like yank the baby out. Wow. Shout out to Inside. a good movie. Yeah. All right. um Anyway, that's this is some pretty good like foreshadowing, learning about werewolves.
00:56:17
Speaker
pretty good foreskin too yeah they've been given so subtle and no they've been getting subtle nods i i would argue they're not so subtle to be honest you're probably right to me but it also could be because i've uh watched these movies before yeah yeah but it does scratch the itch of like everything coming together hey man nicely you know anything about that harry potter stuff huh okay Pretty good.
00:56:44
Speaker
um So Snape was trying to ask the class about the differences, and Hermione's the only one that knows, and she gives the answer. Snape didn't even call on her, and Snape calls Hermione an insufferable know-it-all, which is fucking hilarious. you fuck That guy's good.
00:57:00
Speaker
He does not give it to her, dude. Well, he tells her off. You said he fucking gives it to her. Hey, yo. He tells her off.
00:57:10
Speaker
Uh, and Snape decides since the class doesn't know shit, they're to write two, scrolls. It changed the schools, two scrolls of parchment on, a werewolf and being able to recognize it.
00:57:24
Speaker
And Harry's like, but we have Quidditch tomorrow. And Snape's like, bro, you could lose your fucking limb. You still got to write this shit. That's, that's savage. Yeah. Um, while they're in class, Draco passes a letter to Harry. and It's like, uh, like a,
00:57:39
Speaker
like a moving letter. You know when you like write things on like different papers and then like flip it? On a sticky note. and yeah yeah Yeah, it's like that. And it's Harry just getting fucking elected on.
00:57:51
Speaker
Yeah. We cut to a Quidditch match ah that Harry is obviously playing in, and it's like rainy, stormy outside. um And he's following the snitch with some other classmate.
00:58:04
Speaker
This classmate gets, like, fucking electrocuted. Literally electrocuted. and And falls to the ground. Definitely would have fallen in the same fashion that Harry did ah in About five seconds. and seconds and they don't stop them They don't stop the match for that one.
00:58:21
Speaker
No, but God forbid it's Harry Potter. Oh, it's Harry fucking Bopper. It doesn't do shit, but whatever. That's the thing. Does Dumbledore save that guy? Or does he just let a fucking die?
00:58:31
Speaker
i could just like the scene where he stands up and like sticks his hand out. it's like Oh, it's not Harry. He just sits back down. but but oh Like, why, dude?
00:58:43
Speaker
And also, he'd won the end reveals that he wants Harry to die. Right. Harry has to die is the reveal at the end of the movie. Not this movie, but anyways. um So this opponent literally gets lectured and falls to the ground.
00:58:56
Speaker
ah Harry sees the Grimm in the clouds, and his wand starts to ice up. By the way, I meant to say before, you think Goblet of Fire is what girls call they have crabs?
00:59:08
Speaker
Potentially. Potentially. um Dementors show up and they start sucking off Harry. They suck him so good he falls off his broom.
00:59:19
Speaker
Exactly. And he free falls to the ground. And Dumbledore saves his fall, as we mentioned, looka zoom with arresto momentum. Not very creative there. Fucking like what's your name? Rowling. I'm ah i'm arresting your momentum.
00:59:34
Speaker
Yeah. Stop it. We cut to Harry's in like the hospital nurse's office. Yeah. ah And Hermione tells him Dumbledore is pissed that the Dementors were on school grounds and they shouldn't have been there.
00:59:48
Speaker
Henry's broomstick is broken. Henry again. The return of Henry. i didn't even know that I said it. Harry. i didn't even catch myself. Henry's stick is broke.
01:00:00
Speaker
He's always got stick problems in all these movies. People are staring at his stick, trying to break his stick, stroke his spine. All right.
01:00:10
Speaker
sorted ah Lupin, we cut and Harry's on him like his little date with Lupin again. he has a lot of dates with Lupin. Walking through the woods. Lupin tells Harry he's targeted by Dementors because he he has actual true horrors in his past.
01:00:26
Speaker
And Harry asked Lupin to train him on how to defend himself. And Lupin's like, maybe after the holidays. So he cut, and now it's the holidays. Okay, so that's one thing I like about this movie.
01:00:37
Speaker
you see the You see the seasons change as the movie goes on. It's very consistent. Every single year. Every single year at Hogwarts, some shit goes sideways. The seasons change.
01:00:48
Speaker
And then it ends like, yep, see you next year. That's true. Crazy. Crazy. They cut to the class is going to Hogmeade Village again. And ah Harry's trying to sneak out in the invisibility cloak.
01:01:01
Speaker
And Fred and George Weasley catch him. And they give Harry the Marauder's Map. ah Which they so they stole from Filch's office.
01:01:13
Speaker
um And you have to say Mischief managed to essentially hide the map. Or else anybody can just look at it. this ah This is a very iconic thing. I have shoes of the Marauder's Map.
01:01:24
Speaker
It shows you where everybody is at any time. They got fucking wall hacks. like snap It's like the Snap Map. Yeah, it's like so yeah they they created Snap Map.
01:01:34
Speaker
Right. Before a snap map was ever created. um So Harry, I guess, uses this map in the invisibility cloak to sneak into Hogmeville, but get there in a minute.
01:01:47
Speaker
ah We cut to Hermione and Ron who are looking at the most haunted house in Britain, which is a Shrieking Shack or it's different building. That's the Shrieking Shack. ah Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle show up talking shit.
01:02:00
Speaker
They have nothing better to do these fucking idiots. That's all they do is fucking pick on people. Suddenly they get smacked with snowballs out of nowhere. This reminded me of that Jack Frost movie, Michael Keaton.
01:02:11
Speaker
There you go. Yeah. I don't know why, but ah and Harry's ah in the invisibility cloak and he fucks with Draco and the dudes. He pants his crab or Goyle, one of the two.
01:02:22
Speaker
So um he drags Draco by the ankles and then they they run off. heard Some rough sex. I don't know. He seems very well. Honestly, it's the quiet one to be worried about. So you're probably right.
01:02:35
Speaker
um he reunites with Hermione and Ron. ah They're walking the village and they see Rosemerta, which ah Ron has the hots for. And she's talking to, I believe it's Fudge.
01:02:48
Speaker
Yeah, it's Fudge and McGonagall. And she's pissed that there's Dementors in her village. um And they go inside. They said something here about... Oh, yeah.
01:03:01
Speaker
Yeah, it was like, why are they... coming around here you or whatever. And it's because, uh, they're protecting someone. And they're like, who? And they're like, Harry, uh, fudge says Harry Potter, Harry Potter.
01:03:14
Speaker
That's why I wrote black. Harry. I didn't connect black. Harry. Yeah. Yeah.
Sirius Black's Alleged Betrayal
01:03:18
Speaker
Black Harry was what it, what would his name be?
01:03:23
Speaker
Don't make me do this. Don't make me do this. All right. um So Harry's like, fuck this. I'm going follow him in. and Snoop. So Harry follows him in. Hermione and Ron don't get in. And he basically overhears McGonagall telling the more of the myth legend rumor ah that Harry Potter's parents went into hiding and they were friends with Sirius Black And Sirius Black allegedly sold them out to, Voldemort.
01:03:51
Speaker
Um, and that their friend, Peter Pettigrew was also murdered allegedly. Um, and Harry Potter was made Harry Potter. Sirius Black was made Harry Potter's godfather.
01:04:05
Speaker
That's how tight he was with the Potters and he betrayed them. Fuck you. But don't really, because, right. Um, So Harry Potter leaves. He storms off. Ron and Hermione follow him. And he basically tells them, like, this is what happened.
01:04:20
Speaker
He was crying. It's supposed to be an emotional moment. Didn't really hit. I mean, I'm not doing a good job of making it hit either. But, yeah. that's So he's big sad. So we cut to Lupin, who is going to train Harry how defend himself by using the Patronus charm, which essentially works like a shield.
01:04:38
Speaker
it's a It's a piece of meat for the Dementors to suck on. and i mean? It's like giving a baby a pacifier instead of your actual finger. Or your nipple. Nipple's right word.
01:04:49
Speaker
No, not your cock. Don't give babies your cock, dude. not little We were joking. Okay, Jerry's never given a baby ah cock in his life. That I know of.
01:04:59
Speaker
Never, ever. um Why can't men breastfeed that have big fat titties? Like, why can't Jake breastfeed a baby? That's true. I mean, men can lactate, but I think certain things have to happen.
01:05:11
Speaker
have to have like estrogen in your body. So to conjure a Patronus, you have to think of an extremely positive memory and then say expectum expecto patronum, which is a wildly popular clip that's online.
01:05:27
Speaker
Expecto patronum. Very well done. Gerald and I are going to finish our Harry Potter profile by doing our Patronus.
01:05:41
Speaker
Glitter, shine, glow. like glowing things.
01:05:49
Speaker
A Dementor could have got you while you hesitated. Choose again. oh damn. I wasn't quick enough. You weren't quick enough? Dream, dance, discover.
01:05:59
Speaker
Dream. Bone or blood? Hey, bone me, baby. Bone me, baby.
01:06:06
Speaker
Ain't got a blood fetish, you freaks. Yeah, I do. Oh, okay.
01:06:13
Speaker
Prowl, play, preen. I'm a prowler. oh Incredible. You almost produced a Patronus. This is excellent magic. Incredible.
01:06:27
Speaker
Together alone. Alone. Definitely a alone, dude. For sure. It's forming. It's forming! Comfort, advise, impress. Comfort.
01:06:38
Speaker
Click, drag, and release for your Patronus. Should I wait?
01:06:44
Speaker
You can click, drag, and release. Maybe just don't say what it is. ah You just finished? Yeah. Wow. That's pretty gay. Alright. I'm gonna um gonna go.
01:06:55
Speaker
Alright. Begin. Relax. Think of your happiest memory. Coming.
01:07:03
Speaker
Glitter shine glow. Glitter. I'm gay. Yes. I actually picked glitter. Oh.
01:07:12
Speaker
You can find with my wrist shining. Salt or sweet? Definitely sweet.
01:07:19
Speaker
I got sweet i are a problem with the Shuggies. Yeah. Yeah. It be your... This is spooky. We're in the woods. Yeah, I like it. Think, sense, feel. I just feel shit.
01:07:30
Speaker
Yeah. Let me feel you. I feel my fucking cock. I don't think. like i Do I sound like a guy that thinks? No. say Exactly.
01:07:43
Speaker
Something is trying to emerge. Oh, my God. Keep your wand going. Keep it stroking, baby. Oh, this is so gay. Safe or free? Be free, baby. want free.
01:07:54
Speaker
Free market capitalism. don't what that means. Fuck you, Mark, while we're at it. Yeah, Mark, fuck you, you stupid bitch. Fake Greek Canadian fuck. Listen, watch, touch. You're watching movies. Touch. I should picked touch. Touch of my cock. Damn it. Well, the first thing that to mind was watch, so it's what it is.
01:08:11
Speaker
That's fair.
01:08:15
Speaker
feel under pressure because it's timed. Yeah.
01:08:19
Speaker
Click and drag to release your pronouns. All right, you can say yours first, and then I'll reveal mine. All right. It's gay. Yeah. What did you get?
01:08:30
Speaker
My Patronus is a chow dog. What does that look like? A dog? Yeah, look up a chow. It's pretty gay. Well, mine's a white mare. It's a horse. Yeah, you got that fucking cock on you. That's why Look at that white dick.
01:08:47
Speaker
Did they give you more on your profile about why it was selected? White mayor, your Patronus. The Patronus turned... Oh, no, that's just... The quote. Oh, what did your Patronus say about you?
01:09:00
Speaker
Learn more. That's I'm clicking.
01:09:04
Speaker
Oh, it's a link to a YouTube video? Fuck you. Get the fuck out of here. It's popular. Dolphin. Fox, St. Bernard. Get St. Bernard. Get a hedgehog. I got a hog. Hey, handful of rarity. Do we got rare ones?
01:09:19
Speaker
No. The top 20. Here's a top. White Mirror 16. I'm not even on here. I got a chow. You got one that's even on here, you fuck. the fuck you trying to say to me? Yeah,
01:09:34
Speaker
yeah I think you are. i mean, we definitely are. I wanted to get the fucking... What is the Patronus from the end of this movie? it looks like a fucking elk. It's a stag. Stag films?
01:09:45
Speaker
yeah Lupin releases the Bogart, which turns into a Dementor, obviously. Harry tries to summon his Patronus, and it doesn't work. Obviously, it wasn't going to work because it's like advanced sorcery, and Harry's a little kid.
01:09:59
Speaker
You little fucking pussy. And Harry tells... almost said Henry. Harry tells Lupin that ah the memory he used was the first time he wrote a broom. Pause. Lupin's like, that's not fucking strong enough, dude.
01:10:13
Speaker
ah And Harry's like, I got another and another memory, but it's kind of iffy. He's like, yeah, use it. ah We'll do it live. Right. The next time he's able to summon a Patronus and it works successfully.
01:10:26
Speaker
And the memory was Harry talking to his parents or his parents talking to him. And he tells Lupin he's not even sure if it's a real memory or not. Well, I don't think it's going to be a real memory because the last time you saw your parents, you were like a toddler. Like not even a toddler. You were like infant a year old, maybe if that.
01:10:44
Speaker
Right. um We cut and Ron and hair Hermione are arguing again because he lost his rat.
01:10:55
Speaker
Shave your rat.
01:11:00
Speaker
Shave your rat. Expose the scab. yeah
Revelations in the Shrieking Shack
01:11:03
Speaker
Disgusting.
01:11:08
Speaker
I played twice. this is howward It's not working today. Something's off like in the Chamber of Secrets. Okay. So get it? Like something's off in the school. Oh.
01:11:19
Speaker
Everyone's like, oh, something's amiss. All right. I bombed. It's okay. It's okay. Uh, they go to, they go see Hagrid who's skipping stones, but he's like in the water. Yeah, he's ah he's a weird guy. The water's up to his knees, which means like we'd be like drowning in that shit. Cause like he's a tall motherfucker.
01:11:34
Speaker
Right. And he's wearing like a suit, but it looks like he just killed like a Sasquatch and wore its skin. Yeah, dude. He's not pro animal rights. I don't think. Fuck me. He kind of walks the line cause he's sad. He tells the gang they're gonna, uh, kill Buckbeak.
01:11:50
Speaker
And, you know, Lucius went up and fucking talked his shit because Draco got hurt. um We cut and Harry's in his bed looking at the Marauder map. And it shows Peter Pettigrew, who's allegedly dead.
01:12:05
Speaker
Wait a minute. Who are you? I was thinking about the door thing. Yeah. Can you find Peter Pettigrew? Yeah. There he is! Okay.
01:12:16
Speaker
ah So Harry Potter goes snooping around the hallways to look for Pettigrew. And it looks like Pettigrew walks right by him. And Snape randomly shows up.
01:12:27
Speaker
ah And he tells Harry to turn out his pockets. And he finds the Marauder's Map. And Harry... He tells Harry to open it.
01:12:40
Speaker
um Actually, he tells the map. He goes, reveal your secrets, which I guess is a spell. And the map politely tells Snape to fuck right off and mind your business. Damn straight.
01:12:51
Speaker
ah Lupin shows up and takes the map. He snatches that shit. He's like, will do a full investigation on this one. He thinks it's a Zonko product, which I guess is like a toy.
01:13:02
Speaker
It's like the joke shop in Hogsmeade. Yeah. Well, I'll be your boy toy if you want. All right. All right, Shawn Michaels. Yeah. Give me that sweet shit music. Ooh. Get it? Like my cum shot landing on your chin? Right.
01:13:14
Speaker
We're disgusting. Yeah.
01:13:17
Speaker
ah Lupin takes Harry with him and in a separate room he tells Harry he's pissed that he's been acting irresponsible and like your parents sacrificed their lives for you to be a fucking irresponsible little shit.
01:13:30
Speaker
He's got a point. He does get a point but also relax. Yeah. ah Harry goes to back to his dorm before he leaves tells Lupin that he saw Peter Pettigrew on the map which is impossible.
01:13:44
Speaker
That's not possible. We cut to the tea leaf reading class and
01:13:54
Speaker
Hermione thinks it's all bullshit. trying to read a crystal ball and she pushes the crystal ball off the table. She storms off and we cut to Ron and Harry leaving the class and Ron is like this bitch is on some shit man. She's crazy. This bitch crazy.
01:14:12
Speaker
She And they come across the crystal ball, which Harry decides he should return. Do the right thing. That's one thing he did do. um He puts the ball back. Trelawney's not anywhere in sight. And as soon as he puts the crystal ball back, she shows out nowhere. And she seems possessed. Yeah, very possessed. Talking about how he will return tonight.
01:14:35
Speaker
Evil dies tonight. Right. Fuck that movie. Yep. ah We cut to Hermione and Ron and Harry who see the executioner of Buckbeak sharpening his blade and they go to the head towards ah Hagrid's little hut and Draco is already there and he says some shit and Hermione threatens Draco with her wand and then pulls it back and just punches him in his fucking face.
01:15:04
Speaker
Good. I hope he broke his nose. we're getting close to the new button. All right. So we go, they go down to Hagrid's and they see, they're talking to Hagrid and who was like, you got to leave guys. You can't be here.
01:15:19
Speaker
he's like, yo, Dumbledore is coming to watch the the murder. Murder. That's weird. Right. And Fudge is there. Fudge is coming too.
01:15:30
Speaker
Yeah. With Dumbledore. But right now it's just the, the, the kids and Hagrid and the, In shack. In the hut. And Hattard found scabbers. So there's that. i found his rat.
01:15:44
Speaker
He found the rat. La Rata Alata. Shout to the Batman. Okay. They start. All of a sudden rocks start flying through the window. Fucking crazy. Like what the fuck is happening?
01:15:56
Speaker
Harry gets smacked in the back the a rock. And Dumbledore and Fudge are arriving, so the kids sneak out the back door. And they hide behind this, like... They have Buckbeak, like, in a pumpkin patch, basically. Yeah, it's strange.
01:16:08
Speaker
And they hide behind these big-ass pumpkins. They listen to... Dumbledore fudge and Hagrid talking and they have to like sign some fucking jaw and again, fucking. I don't know why paperwork has to get signed to murder an animal, but right. But I guess Hermione here, twig snap behind them and she turns around because I think I just and then doesn't say anything else.
01:16:29
Speaker
Never mind. Let's leave. Yeah, they they run off and they see an executioner swing his blade up and drop it down.
01:16:39
Speaker
Slinging dick. Sorry. he' slinging that Slinging that blade. Laying it down. I was thinking of. ah And Scabbers bites Ron's finger. Runs off. And Ron's like, he bit me. Yeah. Okay.
01:16:51
Speaker
I should have pulled a Charlie bit me fucking clip. That would have been not been a deep cut. Scabbers me. Everyone have known what I was talking about. And Scabbers runs off. ah And Ron chases it Uh, Ron chases it to over to this tree.
01:17:08
Speaker
What's the name of this tree? It's the Whomping Willow. That's the same one? ah Yeah. different one? Same, same John. But the other one's like in like the courtyard of Hogwarts. They're like on a cliff.
01:17:19
Speaker
I think it's a different one. No, I think it's the same one. But I think you're, I think you're wrong. I think it's the same one. It's just not good continuity. Why can't there be more than one Whomping Willow?
01:17:33
Speaker
Because look at the picture, dude. The picture is not even... No, I know. Here. Is there more than one Whomping Willow? No. There's only one Whomping Willow at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter series.
01:17:46
Speaker
That's fucking wrong. Oh, the Whomping Willow's location varies between the film adaptations of Harry Potter and the Chamber Secrets and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. In Chamber of Secrets, it's in the training grounds, but in Prisoner of Azkaban, it's on a hill far from the castle.
01:17:59
Speaker
So there at a they're at the Whomping Willow, and ah all of a sudden that jacked dog shows up. ah yo Remember that jack dog from before?
01:18:11
Speaker
Fuck that dog. Titty fuck it.
01:18:16
Speaker
um That's going to the top 10 moments for next year. Titty fuck? Get my titty fuck. all right um and this the funker This jack dog snatches Ron by the ah by the ankle and drags him into the tunnel burrow John underneath the tree.
01:18:35
Speaker
tunnel burrow john underneath the tree ah and Hermione and Harold Harry's bopper ah try to go in, but the Whomping Will is defending its little burrow.
01:18:52
Speaker
It's like a It's essentially like a ah chastity belt. so just blocking off anybody from entering. It's cock blocking the little hole. Right. um These are kids. That's not okay. And essentially they get, they like ride one of these branches. Yeah. This, this,
Time-Turner Adventures
01:19:08
Speaker
this tree is swinging dick. Swinging dick.
01:19:11
Speaker
And they get yeeted essentially into the hole on accident. Whoops. You know, it's like birth control. Eventually one gets in.
01:19:19
Speaker
Okay. Hermione lands on top of Harry and it's like, ooh. Well, but it's not ooh because Harry's been friend zoned. That's true. I don't think Harry's trying to fuck, but Harry's not trying to fuck anybody yet. I mean, honestly, if I was a ah student at Hogwarts, I'd be trying to fuck everybody.
01:19:38
Speaker
No, i'll be trying to fuck Hermione. She's the hottest one so far. So far. far She's hotter than Ginny is. That's true. And we're talking about if we were, still we're trans age now. Right. If we were a student in Hogwarts, that'd be the one you're trying to fuck.
01:19:52
Speaker
Hermione, sure. We might have to cut that. I'm not sure. You know what doesn't make sense? We keep meeting kids. Yeah. Throughout the series. And we keep wanting fuck them. Well, no, that's not the problem.
01:20:03
Speaker
The problem is like, where the fuck are these kids like all this time? You know? What do you mean? Like when we meet Cho and we meet Luna, like they had to have been students already.
01:20:16
Speaker
Yeah, you're right, but there's a lot of things that don't make sense. We've exposed a lot of plot holes in Harry Potter. Which kind of upsets me a little bit, but it's okay. And they're for kids, I guess, right? Right, it's like Chuck E. Cheese.
01:20:28
Speaker
but little Where a kid can be a kid. Shout out to Chuck E. Cheese, I guess. Um... the little tunnel, John, brings them into the Shrieking Shack where they find Ron, and it's revealed that the Jack Dog is Sirius Black, who's in an animagus.
01:20:46
Speaker
What? And Harry's about to kill, uh... John. Harry's going to kill Sirius Black. And he kind of laughs. This is the debut of Gary Oldman.
01:20:59
Speaker
And he kind of laughs like, you're going kill me. ah And Lupin shows up and hits Harry with the next Ballyarmus. This is where I kind of get annoyed with this a little bit still.
01:21:12
Speaker
And it's not for the beef that I told you about before because that was me last year. by the way, me last year just didn't get this part. Right. an idiot idiot Somehow. Um, but they kind of act like you're Lupin and, uh, serious black are in on it together to kill Harry.
01:21:29
Speaker
Right. But they're not there to kill Harry. And they kind of milk this a little bit. And I don't like that because they're not there to kill Harry. No, they're like, why would Lupin not show up? be Like, look, Hey, we're not here to kill you. We're here to kill the rat.
01:21:41
Speaker
Right. Like, why wouldn't you straight up tell him like, yo, We like you. And the actor here, some very good acting. His face does turn kind of villainous a little bit. um But Lupin and Sirius Black are boys, and Black refers to Lupin as Remus.
01:22:01
Speaker
And we find out here that Peter Pettigrew is the one who sold out the Potters. So Sirius Black is innocent. Correct. Randomly, Snape arrives.
01:22:12
Speaker
Yeah. And he's going to take Sirius Black in, and he has his wand on so on his fucking neck. you say Yeah, he literally says, like, why shouldn't I do it?
01:22:25
Speaker
He's a badass motherfucker. Yeah, I um i fucked Snape. Shout out Alan Rickman, RIP. ah And he's basically about to fucking do it to him. And Harry gives Snape one of the wildest Expelliarmus's you'll ever fucking see. goes flying this motherfucker.
01:22:44
Speaker
Yeah, Expelliobus is supposed to be like a disarm spell. Nah, this man disarmed his life. and he Dude, and he goes like flying into a bed and the top part of the bed like collapses onto him.
01:22:56
Speaker
He's like fucking sandwiched into his bed. ah And Hermione's like, bro, you just attacked a teacher. What the fuck you doing?
01:23:05
Speaker
And ah Harry wants... Lupin and Black to transform Pettigrew from the rat. And Ron's like, no. And Harry's like, what the fuck are doing, Ron? Get your shit together.
01:23:16
Speaker
Right. So they're able to transform Pettigrew right as he's about to escape. And he admits here that he did sell out the Potters, but he had no choice because Voldemort's very powerful.
01:23:27
Speaker
This also is one of the ugliest motherfuckers you'll ever see in your life. Hideous. And he begs Potter for mercy and says his father would have granted him mercy, which for some reason influences Harry's spare Pettigrew. He's like, yeah, you got a good idea.
01:23:42
Speaker
I'll give you to the Dementors. They'll suck you off for eternity. Which imagine that being a bad thing and sucked off for eternity. Oh, man. I guess, though, you shouldn't have a boner more than four hours. Right. That's like true.
01:23:55
Speaker
Yeah. But eventually, like if you're if you're just getting sucked off nonstop, like you're going to get dehydrated if no one keeps like feeding you and giving you water. I'm going to tell you this right now. I don't think I don't think I'll ever be able to come off a blowjob.
01:24:10
Speaker
No, it's hard. and All the blow he's ever got. I'm like, this is good. It feels nice, but I'm not going to come to this. I agree. No one's ever sucked me off so good that I've been like, come now. You're like, what about a handy?
01:24:24
Speaker
A handy will do it. Yeah. Yeah. I handy like three or four strokes. I'm i there. Oh. Yeah. Splat. You know? Splat. Like a fucking super soaker.
01:24:35
Speaker
I need that tension. Not tension. I need that fucking... I need that torque. oh Whoa. I don't know. I'm drinking that shit. You're going crazy. ra Uh... So, they're gonna bring Pettigrew in.
01:24:52
Speaker
They're gonna get sucked off. can't that started that whole thing. Um... But, uh... They had to carry Ron out because Ron has a bum leg.
01:25:06
Speaker
ah And they're outside and Black offers. hair I don't like this either. Black offers for Harry to live with him. And Harry's like, what? It's like now. He's like, yeah, I thought he's like, okay He's just like, oh, all right, sure, dude.
01:25:23
Speaker
At first, he's like, take him back, and he's like, yeah, I'm game. Yeah. Oh, you're you make up this man yeah you're my godfather, and I thought you killed my parents about five minutes ago, but now I know you're innocent. Yeah, all right.
01:25:33
Speaker
Now want to live with you. Yeah. It's night outside, and Lupin turns into a werewolf because he didn't take his medicine. And while Lupin is transforming...
01:25:46
Speaker
Pettigrew escapes. Turns back into Scabbers. Just scaries off. It was funny, too, that he tells ah he tells Ron before when they're in the house, he's like, I was a good rat, wasn't I?
01:25:58
Speaker
was a good rat. ah He escapes. So i know I know this transformation has some CGI in it, but what do you think of it? Mid? Mid? Get the fuck out of here. i don't want to hear about Werewolf Transformations as we're talking about Fright Night ah or...
01:26:14
Speaker
and American Werewolf in London. That's all want to hear about. Sorry. Give it to me. and there's ah Give us your other notable so transformations, okay? Also, I don't think the werewolf, I mean, granted, I haven't watched the 4K yet.
01:26:26
Speaker
I don't think the werewolf looks as good as the werewolves in Dog Soldiers. I'll say that. You're right. No, you're right. But we have given Harry Potter its props for its practical effects. I mean, CGI. It's great. It's true.
01:26:39
Speaker
so great it's true uh, Hermione decided she's going to try to calm down the fucking werewolf, which they say in the movie, it does not have any recollection of who it is. Right. So she, he doesn't know who the fuck you are. He just wants to kill you.
01:26:51
Speaker
Fucking idiot. Uh, then Snape shows up and Lily just does nothing. He just stands in front of them. And he's like, Jesus Christ is like this. And then that's it. and Yeah. Then he gets swatted.
01:27:02
Speaker
Yeah. Really swatted like a fucking fly. ah Out of nowhere, Sirius Black shows up in jack dog form.
01:27:13
Speaker
And these two have a tussle, and they start chasing each other, and Harry follows after them and they're like, are you fucking nuts? um so That's my godfather. To be fair, Lupin fucks up Sirius Black. He does. He probably did him and kills him.
01:27:27
Speaker
Right, and he's about to fuck up ah Harry, there's a howl that either scares Lupin off or calls, we don't know this moment, but it calls to Lupin. Howl! Which I do think it's ah it's supposed to be a werewolf call because they do say in Snape's class that they're only drawn to like calls from within their own pack.
01:27:46
Speaker
Breed. Yeah. Black limps off and Harry tries to chase after Black and he finds him transformed back into human form and he's fucking beat the fuck up.
01:27:57
Speaker
um And they're by a lake and the lake starts to ice over and Dementors are circling. And they fuck quickly... That's a circle suck them. And there's no foreplay. They start sucking them off immediately. Sucking them both off.
01:28:12
Speaker
One by one. One's getting sucked. The other one's getting sucked. Both getting sucked. Everybody's getting sucked. This part really aggravated me too. ah Harry tries to do an expector patronum.
01:28:24
Speaker
Doesn't work. And they're both just getting sucked hard. And it looks like and looks like bubbles start coming out of Black's mouth. Yeah. But it's like one it ends up being like one ball. I think it's like energy source. Yeah, like his soul.
01:28:37
Speaker
and I think it sucks so hard your soul comes out. Fucking crazy. That's a life goal right there. a life ending suck. but That's how I want to and Fucking 90 years old suck me till my fucking soul out.
01:28:49
Speaker
Oh. What you your soul tastes like? ah Fucking McDonald's Coke.
01:28:57
Speaker
I do. That's what's up. It probably doesn't taste good. I'll be honest. No, probably not. um Mine probably tastes like hemorrhoid cream. Dude, you gotta get not the wipes, the cream. I got it. I got to change the cream.
01:29:12
Speaker
uh suddenly a patronus appears this is what i don't get so the patronus can be a p uh appear the patronus can be a ah piece the patronus can be a shield yeah but it can also be an animal or whatever youre your your patronus charm is right right it's two it's two things i got mean it's like the same thing all right well how is it the same thing why can you channel your patronus into an animal and also channel into a shield i think I think Harry just doesn't have like the full power yet.
01:29:44
Speaker
So he just gets a little... the So... Correct me if I'm wrong, right? Yeah. the What is it called again? It's not a deer. You call it a stag. ah stag The stag appears, right? And it's like galloping all fucking majestic and shit.
01:30:01
Speaker
And then there's like waves of Patronus. Right. Like pulsating. or Yeah, you're no you're right. You're right. Which scares off the Dementors. And you can kind of see there's a guy over there, but it's too like fuzzy and Harry passes out.
01:30:20
Speaker
yeah He can't see you who it is. And he awakens in the hospital wing again. And he tells Hermione it was his dad. You fucking retard. With all this respect, Harry, you're a fucking idiot.
01:30:32
Speaker
Hey, Harry, don't know if you know this. Your dad? Your dad's fucking dead. really like This is why knocked my rating down. This whole part pisses me the fuck off. Really?
01:30:43
Speaker
That bothers you that much? Dude, the rest of the movie, he's like, it's going to my dad. ah ah no but No, that is dumb. not Not a whole star, like a half star.
01:30:53
Speaker
yeah It knocks a half star off, at least, for me. Honestly, it really bothered me that he's so but he's like the chosen one or whatever, and everyone like sucks his cock, and he thinks it was his dad. What are you, fucking retarded? It's my dad. Hermione, it's my dad.
01:31:06
Speaker
My dad's going to save us. It's my dad. He's got daddy issues. Sick of it. All right. So they're fucked, essentially. Like Hermione tells ah Harry that Black's – his soul is going to get sucked out.
01:31:23
Speaker
That's what she says. Yeah. but We were not just riffing. Like literally your soul can get sucked in the wizarding world. Exactly. um But good luck sucking my soul because my wand is like 12 and a quarter inches according to HarryPotter.com.
01:31:37
Speaker
You got fucking take it all. got to fucking just look at your jaw for that.
01:31:42
Speaker
ah up Dumbledore says ah that he believes them that Black is innocent, but ah he can't convince the rest of the wizards. So he's going to get put to death, essentially.
01:31:54
Speaker
Him being Black, not Dumbledore. Essentially, he doesn't say it, but in so many words, Dumbledore knows that Hermione's been fucking around with time travel, which is highly illegal.
01:32:06
Speaker
Right. um And he tells them, you know, retrace your step and it should be about three three twists, three turns, which is all I need to come.
01:32:17
Speaker
Yeah. um And if they succeed, that two lives can be saved. um So they Hermione puts on this necklace that wraps. It's long enough to wrap around her and Harry.
01:32:30
Speaker
That's kind of crazy. Harry goes to touch it. She smacks it like a chastity belt. like get Get out of here. Fuck off me. Touch my snatch. He was not trying to touch her snatch. I was just making a really dirty joke. And I'm sorry.
01:32:42
Speaker
Don't touch my necklace. Yeah, that's not for strangers. I'm saving it for someone special. He's sitting over there in a bed with a gimp leg. I can't believe she wants that one. Okay, whatever. she has some serious issues. You want the fucking one limp dick fucking injured.
01:32:58
Speaker
You know what I mean? Yeah. You got problems, bro. You got a serious weird mental issue. Okay. Fucking mudblood. All right. So.
01:33:09
Speaker
um So she spins the jaw they go back in time. It's only her and her Harry and Hermione. Ron has to stay in the bed because he can't move.
01:33:20
Speaker
ah And they see themselves threaten Draco again. Harry's freaking the fuck out. And this thing is called a time turner. And McGonagall gave it to her. That's crazy. Why would she do that?
01:33:31
Speaker
Because, you know, Hermione's all, she wanted to get more credits. Yeah, but you shouldn't be fucking with time. Right. McGonagall, it's very irresponsible of you. I'll be honest. You know, it's illegal.
01:33:43
Speaker
Yeah. ah And they realize here they can save two lives because Harry's like, what what does that mean? Buckbeak, you fucking idiot. Yeah, you got to save Buckbeak. buck bean right flick the bean they see themselves go to hagrid's house uh and they see fudge coming and they decide well harry this fucking idiot he's like i'm gonna go in there and and tell them that that black's innocent and her mind is like you're fucking in there right now he's like like harry up so unbelievably stupid in this fucking movie he's her body's like if you go in there you're gonna see yourself and you're gonna be like what the fuck is going on here
01:34:22
Speaker
Gosh, he's so stupid, dude. He's so fucking dumb. That's like number one rule of time travel. Don't interact with yourself. So they throw the rocks inside. So we realize here that the rocks being thrown was them going back in time. Hermione's like, we're not leaving.
01:34:37
Speaker
Why aren't we leaving? So then she throws a rock at Harry and he's like, hey, that hurt me. So they see the earlier version of themselves sneak out. Today they're sneaking to the woods.
01:34:49
Speaker
And Hermione notices what she looks like from the back. And she's like, that's what I look like. And she snaps. She steps on like a twig that snaps, which triggers old Hermione to turn around and see herself. It's all coming full circle.
01:35:01
Speaker
Which is good on her for not saying I just saw myself because you'd be fucking with time. Right. it's It is best that Hermione saw herself because if anybody else saw an older version of themselves, they'd freak the fuck out. It'd be a problem.
01:35:14
Speaker
They watched their older selves sneak back up to like the castle. Yeah. Yeah. And they're going to go set Buckbeak free, but there's a crow humping Harry's leg.
01:35:29
Speaker
Yeah. He's like like fucking it's light like, get the fuck off me. ah Harry gets up to Buckbeak. He grabs the chain, which is like Buckbeak's like leech, essentially. yeah And he goes to pull it, and Buckbeak's all like, I'm fucking
01:35:49
Speaker
fuck is that from that's uh that's from the wolf of wall street when jordan belfort has to leave and he gives that speech at the end oh okay i ain't fucking leaving okay now it makes sense that's a deep that's a deep cut that is crazy what you just thought of that yeah dude do you not remember senior year that i was like obsessed with that movie No, I do remember. Yeah. Steve Madden.
01:36:12
Speaker
That will have to be a soundbite at some point. Steve Madden. ah That's like a... If our listeners knew what that was, props to you. I've seen the fucking movie. It's kind of a deep cut.
01:36:25
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, that's like a three and a half hour movie. That's what I thought of. I like it. That's funny. I ain't fucking leaving. So, Buckbeak. It's fucking Leo, though.
01:36:36
Speaker
Buckbeak. I'm not fucking leaving. They're gonna need a fucking wrecking ball to take me out of here. Guess what, Buckbeak? They got a goddamn axe for your neck. You better fucking get up.
01:36:47
Speaker
ah So, Hermione's able to... ah lure buck beak with uh ferrets that's sad and not really you don't want to pet a ferret no they're fucking gross dude are they gross i find them disgusting that's like a guinea pig but they're kind of cute but they are gross yeah elongated guinea pig how you doing how you doing
01:37:12
Speaker
Uh, and it it also kind of works out. This is where I think that Dumbledore is in on it because Dumbledore, it's almost like he knows they're there and he's distracting fudge. He's like Oh, look at that. Whatever that so-and-so so planted. Right.
01:37:24
Speaker
He definitely knows dude. He's a fucking God. They turn the corner and, uh, Buckbeak's gone. And the executioner is so mad that he ends up swinging his ax at a pumpkin, which is what the older version of Ron, Hermione and Harry saw.
01:37:37
Speaker
So Buckbeak never even died, which is why, why are we saving two lives? I guess Buckbeak and Sirius Black. No, I know, but like tech, I guess they didn't go back in time. Buckbeak would have died. Oh, they were looking at it thinking Buckbeak died, but technically he didn't die because they go back in time. And anyways, it's a thing. Time travels a weird John.
01:37:58
Speaker
It is. we cut to Hermione and Harry who leave Buckbeak just in the woods and they go to save, uh, black, Sirius Black, that is.
01:38:10
Speaker
and they watch, uh, Lupin hit the Whomping Willow with a Mobulus, which makes the tree not move. i look a zoom which way just go right in there Which, if you remember, in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Hermione hit that with the Pixies.
01:38:26
Speaker
Pixies.
01:38:29
Speaker
Bang, bang. And then they have to just wait for them to to to come out. Snape follows into the tree. And this is where Harry tells Hermione that again, in case you forgot that he saw someone with ah casting a Patronus and he thinks it's his dad.
01:38:46
Speaker
Hermione tells Harry that only a very powerful wizard could could conjure a Patronus. And Harry here also is telling Hermione, they're watching Harry and Sirius talk. He's like, you see there, Sirius is asking to go live with him.
01:39:02
Speaker
We're going to live in the country, George, with the wabbits. I fucking hate this part, dude. I fucking hate this part so much. It's obnoxious. Like, you just met this man. Yeah. They watched the werewolf fight ah as in Lupin and Sirius Black. And Hermione makes the werewolf call.
01:39:19
Speaker
So now Lupin from then is chasing them now. And they go run and they try to hide behind a tree, but they get spotted. And Buckbeak saves them.
01:39:30
Speaker
Good for you, Buckbeak. um They see the Dementors flying towards the lake. And they run over and they see Black and old Harry getting sucked off.
01:39:41
Speaker
And harry Harry's... a He's waiting. He's like, no, my dad's gonna show up. This is where dad comes into play. No! You're gonna see my daddy! You're gonna see my daddy! And he doesn't show up, you fucking idiot, because he's dead in the ground.
01:39:53
Speaker
Hermione's literally like, yo, you're fucking dying. Your dad is not showing up, dude. You gotta do something, dude. ah So Harry ah runs up there, and he is the one that casts Patronus.
01:40:10
Speaker
So... he casts the Patronus, he's able to save Black, and this version, the one that went back in time, of Harry and Hermione catch a ride on Buckbeak to the castle, and while they're on, Buckbeak goes, Hermione, I was the one that conjured the Patronus.
01:40:31
Speaker
Yeah, no fucking shit. Harry. You're not the purpose sharpest tool in the shed, buddy. God, dude. Just dumb. I really hate that part.
01:40:43
Speaker
ah They go up to the to Hogwarts and they free Sirius Black with Bombarda, which is a... um a gazeze Basically fucking eviscerates his lock. She like explodes it.
01:40:58
Speaker
And Harry's all ready to go live with Sirius Black. and He's like, dude, you can't right now. I'm being hunted. Yeah. People still don't know I'm innocent 100%. And then Sirius Black continues to suck off Harry's parents to him.
01:41:10
Speaker
And he takes Buckbeak and he rides off into the sunset, which there's no sunset it's nighttime. um And they they go up to the hospital wing again. They see Dumbledore. They go, it's done. We got we did it. And Dumbledore was like, what are you talking about, dude? He just walks away.
01:41:27
Speaker
ah And they go inside and runs like, what just happened? And I don't worry about it, dude. Uh, we cut to Harry was going to for his little one-on-one with Lupin and, uh, Lupin's resigned because the nature of his condition was slipped to parents.
01:41:42
Speaker
Uh, and they're not happy about it. Um, Harry's upset thinking he didn't make a difference. And Lupin's like, no, we know the truth now. You know? And he he's like, since I'm not working here anymore, here's this map.
01:41:55
Speaker
have the map back. W. ah We cut to the dining hall where Harry was gifted a firebolt, which is like the newest, fastest broom.
01:42:07
Speaker
ah And they go to take it for a test ride. And that's the end of the movie. That is Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Alakabam. Alakabam, that's pretty good. Alakazam.
01:42:21
Speaker
ah Harry
Conclusion and Future Plans
01:42:22
Speaker
being such a fucking stupid idiot in this movie, and Dumbledore kinda knowing about all this going down, it's just like every movie this happens. Kind of annoys me, I'll be honest. Every movie with Dumbledore is like, I know what's gonna happen. I could easily just like stop everything from happening, but I'm gonna let these kids figure it out.
01:42:42
Speaker
And I feel like this film flirts with being more of an adult movie, but can't always commit because I'm sure in 2004 or whatever, their target demo was probably teens.
01:42:53
Speaker
Right. So maybe they can't hit on more serious subject matter. And I wish it would just commit to being a full blown, like more adult themed movie. You know, like there's a lot of kid parts. Like the, the bus ride is like very childish.
01:43:08
Speaker
Right. Yeah. As, as the movie progresses, it gets darker. Uh, luckily there's, ah The next movie is like the darkest out of all of them. I agree with that.
01:43:20
Speaker
um I've landed at a four star with a four and a half. It's very compelling, but I made it a four.
01:43:30
Speaker
i saw your rainbow. You can share with the audience. I'm keeping my rating at a four and a half. It is, it's definitely one of the best Harry Potter movies. ah Nick's rant aside, um although when you talking about it with you, it really does piss me off now too.
01:43:50
Speaker
All the Harry shit. But that Harry's dumb as fuck. Yeah. Because this is, I'm somebody, again, I don't know if I said this on the first episode or not. I don't remember. But if, in case you didn't hear it, I didn't watch Harry Potter growing up as a kid.
01:44:01
Speaker
So I have no, I have no connection to this. There's no nostalgia with me. I'm just watching these movies as an adult. And this is my third go-around of it. So I'm picking up on some things.
01:44:12
Speaker
Yeah, as on king as a kid, I saw one, two, three, four. I didn't see five through, is it? Six, seven, eight.
01:44:26
Speaker
Also, this is a, to continue a theme of, from the last episode, this is a post 9-11 movie. w Is it?
01:44:38
Speaker
it's nine eleven is not a W. Well, we got through it. Got through it. We'll do...
01:44:48
Speaker
So, follow us on Instagram. TwoGuysOneScreenPod. Send any movie, comment. Wow. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com.
01:45:01
Speaker
Follow us on Letterboxd. Follow us on TikTok. And send us a voicemail.
01:45:11
Speaker
The links will be in the description. Yeah, do all that. Watch the clips. Leave a comment. Maybe it'll be better than the one we just got today. but ah Next week...
01:45:24
Speaker
We are reviewing one of Gerald's all-time favorite movies, and that is Killer Clowns from Outer Space. W movie. don't love that movie, be honest. It's fine.
01:45:34
Speaker
and i mean Practical effect costume design is peak. I'm very excited too for you to ah rip this movie to shreds. I won't. It's just a silly movie. i don't I just don't like... The movie's just kind of silly, and I feel like you can only give it so much of a rating.
01:45:51
Speaker
Okay. You know? It's even that it's bad, or like the plot is not... I'm sure the plot's kind of silly, too, but it's not like... it's It's just a fun... It's not supposed to be taken seriously. It's just for fun. Right. Just for shits and gigs.
01:46:03
Speaker
Right. And then the next Harry Potter movie is also probably... consensus top three Harry Potter entry, right? gobbler It's arguably like the best.
01:46:15
Speaker
ah Very good movie. One of the longest ones too. Yeah. Harry Potter, Goblet of Fire be coming out April 1st. and then Not a joke. Right. Not a joke.
01:46:26
Speaker
And then the week after that, we're here. The Minecraft movie review. Let's get it, i guess. notmo Yeah. um Stay tuned for all that.
01:46:39
Speaker
We'll see you next week for Killer Clowns Out of Space. And then we'll see you the week after for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.