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Episode 6: Can Exes Really Be Just Friends? (Day 2 of 30-Day Challenge)
29 Plays11 months ago
It’s Day 2 of our 30-Day Challenge, and tonight we’re diving into a question that always stirs up debate:
Can exes truly be just friends—or is somebody always holding on to something?
On this episode of From StartUp to TakeOver—Watch Us Work, we explore the boundaries, the baggage, and the real intentions behind staying connected after the breakup. Is it maturity or messiness? Growth or games?
💬 We’re breaking it down from all angles—personal experience, outside perspectives, and those tricky situationships in between.
Tap in with us every night at 8 PM EST for 30 minutes of real talk. Let’s keep the challenge going strong!
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Transcript
Introduction and Greetings
00:00:13
Tanya Ruttley
All right, welcome to From Startup Takeover Podcast.
00:00:14
Kim Fletcher
um
00:00:19
Kim Fletcher
Hello, hello. Welcome back. Thank you for coming.
00:00:22
Tanya Ruttley
Hi, you guys. It's Kim.
00:00:26
Kim Fletcher
Hello. Welcome back. You hear me?
Family Visit Interruptions
00:00:30
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah, hear you fine. So how was your day, Kim, as we always started out?
00:00:32
Kim Fletcher
It was oh good. that's saw some family I haven't seen in a while from out of town, so it was a good day. Good day. had to tell them to go so we could be on the podcast.
00:00:44
Kim Fletcher
and
00:00:46
Tanya Ruttley
Well, I hate you had to tell them to go They could have sat in the corner and listened.
00:00:46
Kim Fletcher
But yeah.
00:00:49
Kim Fletcher
die But I want to be you know all our attention here.
00:00:52
Tanya Ruttley
What?
00:00:55
Kim Fletcher
I'm not trying to see who are they listening, what's going on.
00:00:57
Tanya Ruttley
Oh.
00:00:59
Kim Fletcher
Let them listen in front of the outside.
00:01:04
Tanya Ruttley
Okay.
00:01:04
Kim Fletcher
yes
00:01:05
Tanya Ruttley
Okay.
00:01:05
Kim Fletcher
i was
00:01:07
Tanya Ruttley
I'm running around all day today, honestly. um are really have been running around since, I don't know, maybe since six something this morning, I've been on the go and I finally got back home about 645, 630 so that I can get ready for this.
00:01:25
Kim Fletcher
Yeah.
00:01:26
Tanya Ruttley
So today has been extremely busy, but here we are.
Can Exes Be Friends?
00:01:32
Kim Fletcher
Yeah. and yeah
00:01:32
Tanya Ruttley
two of our 30 day challenge. And I was going to, yeah.
00:01:36
Kim Fletcher
Another day that we're given to be on here to motivate, great any to the talk.
00:01:41
Tanya Ruttley
Absolutely.
00:01:46
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah. So yesterday we ended, um, well, you kind of led into where we're going to pick up today about whether or not exes can really be friends after, um, you know, their relationship ended.
00:02:03
Tanya Ruttley
So what did you want to go with that? Cause I was kind of curious on that, um, subject.
00:02:09
Kim Fletcher
I just want to hear your views. but What do you think?
00:02:11
Tanya Ruttley
No, I'm asking yours. Uh-uh, because you was talking about it.
00:02:14
Kim Fletcher
I know, I know. I mean, I feel that something, you know, every Everyone won't be able to be friends because sometimes it's, it ends, a relationship, in it won't end well. Some don't end well.
00:02:28
Kim Fletcher
So, of course, you don't expect those people. But, you know, when healing comes, you can be friends. I think you should be able to be friends. I don't understand. If you were friends what before you were in a relationship or married, why, if it ends, why can't you go back to that?
00:02:48
Kim Fletcher
Why, what happened to that?
00:02:51
Tanya Ruttley
So
00:02:51
Kim Fletcher
What happened to the relationship? What happened to that?
00:02:56
Tanya Ruttley
something changed, right? So here's here's the thing. If you're just friends, there's nothing romanticized about it, right? Once a line has crossed and you become romantically involved, whether or not you get married, you
00:03:04
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:03:13
Tanya Ruttley
You move on The other person moves on. Here's the thing. Once you've been connected intimately, that doesn't go away. You can't push that to the side.
00:03:27
Tanya Ruttley
And it's strictly that, least not in my personal opinion. I am not friends with an ex. Cordial, respectful, but friends, no.
00:03:39
Tanya Ruttley
And another thing, let's take your new person, right?
Challenges of Ex-Friendships
00:03:43
Tanya Ruttley
Because most people do move on. It's very rare that, I mean, you got to be pretty much old.
00:03:45
Kim Fletcher
right did Okay, let's get a little of clarity real quick.
00:03:48
Tanya Ruttley
I'm sorry, shouldn't say that. Older, really older to not meet someone new. Mm-hmm.
00:03:56
Kim Fletcher
Quickly.
00:03:58
Tanya Ruttley
Mm-hmm.
00:03:58
Kim Fletcher
The couple have kids. So that factor.
00:04:00
Tanya Ruttley
I don't
00:04:03
Tanya Ruttley
No, not about friends. Maybe being respectful and cordial.
00:04:07
Kim Fletcher
Oh my goodness. You don't think that they should be friends? Like you can see that they are friends and get along to
00:04:10
Tanya Ruttley
Girl.
00:04:14
Tanya Ruttley
i See, getting along, that's why just said cordial and friendly. Not friendly, cordial and respectful. Because when you say friends, friends entail some type of intimacy to me, if you're a friend.
00:04:27
Kim Fletcher
No.
00:04:28
Tanya Ruttley
I ain't talking about sexual intimacy. Hear me out.
00:04:31
Kim Fletcher
Okay.
00:04:31
Tanya Ruttley
To be my friend versus my associate, that's that's why there's two different terms. So a friend would be someone I talk to about, you know, some stuff.
00:04:42
Tanya Ruttley
I get intimate with that friend. So if I have moved on, why would I carry on a friendship, even if it ended amicably, why would I carry on a friendship with an ex? It ended for a reason. for
00:05:02
Kim Fletcher
Yeah, but the
00:05:02
Tanya Ruttley
But I need to hold on to that person for that type of intimacy. I don't understand that part because that's what it would be.
00:05:08
Kim Fletcher
yeah but um I'm not even saying to be friends as we kicking in every day or hanging out and this and that, but we should be able to be friends like If you have a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend or or and a new person or whatever.
00:05:26
Kim Fletcher
We should be able to be friends, smiling, laughing. but even Even so much if you have kids, that it should just be that. If you have kids, you should able be friends.
00:05:38
Kim Fletcher
I don't care. Just be friends. If you were friends before you were in a relationship and if you... wait Before you was in a relationship or married...
00:05:47
Tanya Ruttley
Oh, sweetie, you in la la land right now. Let me ask you this.
00:05:49
Kim Fletcher
No, I am not. Right.
00:05:51
Tanya Ruttley
Oh, I can't ask you because you still married to the same person because the reality is more than likely when relationships end, someone didn't want that relationship to end.
00:05:52
Kim Fletcher
you know you
00:06:02
Tanya Ruttley
We're talking about majority, right? Someone didn't want that relationship to end.
00:06:03
Kim Fletcher
right
00:06:07
Tanya Ruttley
And even as time goes on, somebody could still linger some feelings. yeah I think it's very rare. And most women that I've spoken to that have exes.
00:06:20
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah, if they could, they would. So, no, I totally 100% disagree.
00:06:23
Kim Fletcher
adam
00:06:26
Kim Fletcher
If they could, they would what?
00:06:28
Tanya Ruttley
yeah Come on back in. See, that's, um and and it's a slippery slope.
00:06:33
Kim Fletcher
No.
00:06:34
Tanya Ruttley
I think people want it to, to,
00:06:35
Kim Fletcher
No.
00:06:37
Kim Fletcher
So you don't...
00:06:37
Tanya Ruttley
I just don't like the friend. I think respectful, cordial. I can call and say, what's going on with the kids? We can talk about that. That's not friends, right?
00:06:45
Kim Fletcher
So what is...
00:06:47
Tanya Ruttley
That's cordial, respectful, and we got kids.
00:06:49
Kim Fletcher
okay so what are
00:06:50
Tanya Ruttley
I feel that we should be able to go to an event when the kids are adults. We can go to an event at one of the kids' house. You can come with your new person or by yourself, and so can I, by myself or with a new person, and be respectful and not – I just don't get the friend, the term, the word friend –
00:07:10
Kim Fletcher
it's still friends because you're able to have a friendship to do that because a lot of couples that break up there you can't even get in the same room what I don't want to see you what let me see him let me see her what no so you're still friends
00:07:26
Tanya Ruttley
Oh, I wish we could ask the poll, the audience and ask
Engaging Audience on Ex-Friendships
00:07:29
Tanya Ruttley
the audience that question.
00:07:29
Kim Fletcher
that
00:07:30
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah, I think we're going to eventually probably open that type of stuff up um to where the audience can tell us, you know, give us their opinion.
00:07:30
Kim Fletcher
I know I am like yeah but you
00:07:40
Tanya Ruttley
But on YouTube, i think they can make a comment and tell us, hey, you know, what are your thoughts when it comes to um I think on Spotify, they probably can. I'm trying to think of the places where they can make a comment. Oh, TikTok, they can make a comment.
00:07:52
Kim Fletcher
Yeah.
00:07:52
Tanya Ruttley
um Instagram, yeah, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, you know, give us your opinion on whether or not you think exes can really be just friends after the fact.
00:07:57
Kim Fletcher
and
00:08:05
Tanya Ruttley
Because no, i don't I don't buy into the hype.
00:08:05
Kim Fletcher
Yes, they can. Everybody, everyone, every person, every couple that breaks apart, they are not i'm like angry with each other.
00:08:21
Kim Fletcher
They can be friends.
00:08:22
Tanya Ruttley
Right.
00:08:23
Kim Fletcher
You are saying.
00:08:23
Tanya Ruttley
I wasn't angry. It's not about girl when I got my, wasn't, I wasn't angry, but I'm not trying to be his friend.
00:08:25
Kim Fletcher
I'm saying, would you, could you, no, um you're thinking I want you to be my buddy.
00:08:37
Kim Fletcher
No.
00:08:37
Tanya Ruttley
Well, that's what, that's, that's what i said. It's the word you're using. You got to use the right word. That's what said. Are you saying cordial?
00:08:42
Kim Fletcher
but would it What is it? No, I'm not saying, Claudia, you can still be my friend. I mean, I guess you you we're going with one definition of friend. So the just the definition of a friend, what is it?
00:08:53
Tanya Ruttley
Um, a friend to me would be someone I can call from time to time, even not every day. Cause you use the term every day. So we can remove that. A friend is someone I can call from time to time.
00:09:01
Kim Fletcher
Yeah.
00:09:04
Tanya Ruttley
We can kick the shit. We can hang out maybe. Um, there's a lot of stuff you could do with your friend. I'm going to confide in you, you know, on some stuff. That's where I i said intimacy.
00:09:16
Tanya Ruttley
Um, And then associates, I think, are just people from here and there you see, you know, maybe from work, but you're not talking to them outside of work. there are That's why i said it's the word that you're choosing that I think that's have me a little bit like, and here's another piece.
00:09:34
Tanya Ruttley
You've been married to the same person for years, right? So you don't really know.
00:09:41
Tanya Ruttley
I've experienced these things. Wait a minute. Hold on. I've experienced these things.
00:09:47
Kim Fletcher
you one thing.
00:09:47
Tanya Ruttley
And you, wait minute, hold on. And you said all your friends. This what you told me?
00:09:51
Kim Fletcher
That's right. i'm about That's what I'm about to tell you.
00:09:52
Tanya Ruttley
All my friends are still with their same man.
00:09:53
Kim Fletcher
Yes.
00:09:55
Tanya Ruttley
All my friends are with their same guy.
00:09:56
Kim Fletcher
yeah
00:09:58
Tanya Ruttley
So they don't know either. but They don't have a clue.
00:10:00
Kim Fletcher
Yeah, but but you yeah but you
00:10:01
Tanya Ruttley
So how do you know?
00:10:03
Kim Fletcher
been ah but I've been around other people i own on social media.
00:10:06
Tanya Ruttley
Mm-hmm.
00:10:09
Kim Fletcher
It's a lot of like...
00:10:10
Tanya Ruttley
Okay, so tell me this. So you know a couple where they they broke up and and and it wasn't good at first.
00:10:14
Kim Fletcher
yes Yeah.
00:10:17
Tanya Ruttley
They got along and they got children. And they can be cordial.
00:10:19
Kim Fletcher
Yeah.
00:10:20
Tanya Ruttley
and I mean, I'm sorry. And their friends and the and the new spouse are or girlfriend, boyfriend are okay with that?
00:10:27
Kim Fletcher
Yeah. No. Yeah. well
00:10:29
Tanya Ruttley
You girl, please.
00:10:30
Kim Fletcher
I met more than one. I met more than one.
00:10:31
Tanya Ruttley
You're not in between them walls. You don't know.
00:10:34
Kim Fletcher
now No, no, no. I'm saying I met more than one couple. So I've talked to more than one couple so I could get an average.
00:10:46
Kim Fletcher
That's how I try to get it so I can get it.
00:10:48
Tanya Ruttley
Samantha.
00:10:49
Kim Fletcher
Because the first one now, they wouldn' they broke up.
00:10:51
Tanya Ruttley
This
00:10:53
Kim Fletcher
Uh-uh, Signatrice, you do too much. The first one, they broke up. they broke up and they
00:11:00
Tanya Ruttley
is some bullshit.
00:11:02
Kim Fletcher
No, it was like the bad, bad. Then some kind of way they come together and it's starting off to be okay.
00:11:09
Tanya Ruttley
Uh-huh.
00:11:11
Kim Fletcher
Now they really want to be friends because they were friends before.
00:11:16
Tanya Ruttley
Chai, they want to be friends here.
00:11:18
Kim Fletcher
community No, they don't want each other like that.
00:11:22
Tanya Ruttley
Name them. Call them out. No, I'm
00:11:24
Kim Fletcher
no And then it was another one.
00:11:27
Tanya Ruttley
just playing. Oh, my God.
00:11:28
Kim Fletcher
I know, I know, no, no. no and you And you too.
00:11:31
Tanya Ruttley
Chai.
00:11:34
Kim Fletcher
And that they they were together and one of the couple didn't like it, but the other couple partnered with cool with it.
00:11:46
Kim Fletcher
And they visit each other homes and did things together.
00:11:50
Tanya Ruttley
Oh yeah, cause yeah, they probably go sliding in the bathroom or in the closet or something.
00:11:54
Kim Fletcher
No, they were not.
00:11:54
Tanya Ruttley
I'm playing.
00:11:55
Kim Fletcher
They were friends because of the OK, that's why I say it's yeah every everyone's not going to think the same.
00:11:57
Tanya Ruttley
You wouldn't know. Why are you defending something you wouldn't have a clue?
00:12:06
Kim Fletcher
year
00:12:06
Tanya Ruttley
I'm picking.
00:12:07
Kim Fletcher
well
00:12:07
Tanya Ruttley
I'm picking.
00:12:08
Kim Fletcher
Yeah. Yeah, but
00:12:11
Tanya Ruttley
This is me playing devil's advocate with some bullshit because
00:12:14
Kim Fletcher
yeah ah that's you. They're going to the bathroom. They go because you don't ah you would.
00:12:19
Tanya Ruttley
Girl, like I can hurt. Let me tell you something.
00:12:20
Kim Fletcher
Yeah.
00:12:21
Tanya Ruttley
can hurt some stuff. So I'm just looking at it like that. Just the plausibility.
00:12:24
Kim Fletcher
yeah
00:12:24
Tanya Ruttley
Of course, it's not an absolute, but the chance is high, right? um
00:12:29
Kim Fletcher
Yes. You and trust, period.
00:12:30
Tanya Ruttley
So I wouldn't, I wouldn't, um here's what I always try to do. you're going to like, here she go again. I always try to respect even my ex's new thing, right?
00:12:39
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:12:44
Tanya Ruttley
The new person, new thing, new boo thing. respect that person.
00:12:48
Kim Fletcher
know.
00:12:50
Tanya Ruttley
So I, I wouldn't even want to make them feel uncomfortable because when you have someone who has either been married or had, have children with someone, sometimes, you know, they trying to find their way in.
00:12:50
Kim Fletcher
Yeah.
00:13:05
Tanya Ruttley
And I just, I wouldn't want to cause any a strife, I guess with that, not to, not to be friends with them.
00:13:10
Kim Fletcher
well here ah but that's not what i was talking about because you're not going to be kicking it with them but you'll be friends like if anything happened you you can be you you come together because you need yeah you know that's why i'm saying being cordial you you could be
00:13:13
Tanya Ruttley
I don't just don't need to be on the phone kicking it with my ex. That's just weird to me.
00:13:26
Tanya Ruttley
Well, duh. because you got kids. That's not friends.
00:13:33
Tanya Ruttley
That is cordial.
00:13:34
Kim Fletcher
oh
00:13:34
Tanya Ruttley
And that's, yeah, that's not friends.
00:13:36
Kim Fletcher
as you be
00:13:36
Tanya Ruttley
That's taking care of responsibility.
00:13:37
Kim Fletcher
youll do a know you could be at the birthday party no you could be at the birthday party you could be at the birthday party in the and man doesn't like the woman the woman doesn't like the man she in this corner saying something here this corner saying something or somebody saying something versus that's right versus being free
00:13:39
Tanya Ruttley
Girl, I think you're using, look, Samantha, you're using, that one more time. Hold on.
00:13:48
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah.
00:13:55
Tanya Ruttley
Oh, that's crazy. That's not being cordial. That's not being cordial. That's being standoffish. That's why I said cordial.
00:14:02
Kim Fletcher
versus being friends, and and and I'm saying the first part...
00:14:05
Tanya Ruttley
I think you're using the term wrong.
00:14:08
Kim Fletcher
I'm using it wrong.
00:14:09
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah, because see what you just explained is being cordial or standoffish.
00:14:13
Kim Fletcher
And I'm saying the first part for a kid, for their kids. I'm not saying just like a
00:14:16
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah, because I've done that when my kids were little. Yeah, i before my ex-husband got remarried, um she was his girlfriend. And she brought to my son's, I think, ah I don't know, less than four, right? um Birthday party.
00:14:29
Tanya Ruttley
I had no problems, you know?
00:14:31
Kim Fletcher
Well...
00:14:31
Tanya Ruttley
I went in the corner, like, frowning.
00:14:31
Kim Fletcher
well
00:14:33
Tanya Ruttley
I mean, that's what I'm saying.
00:14:33
Kim Fletcher
like
00:14:34
Tanya Ruttley
I think it's cordial. I don't think it's called friends.
00:14:37
Kim Fletcher
Okay, well, maybe I'm saying it wrong and I'm, um'm i'm you know, and okay,
00:14:41
Tanya Ruttley
I'm just saying, be close. Kim. Look, almost said your whole name.
00:14:44
Kim Fletcher
oh
00:14:45
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah.
00:14:46
Kim Fletcher
okay, okay, but let me, let me ask you, let's shift to this.
00:14:48
Tanya Ruttley
Best of all.
00:14:51
Kim Fletcher
So how do a man or how, give me your view of how do you think a man or a woman know when they have grown apart, you know, they no longer, they no longer want to be in a relationship.
00:15:05
Kim Fletcher
How do what's your view on that how would a woman know how how how how would you know how long does it take for you to know when you've grown out of that relationship
00:15:19
Tanya Ruttley
Ooh, I don't know, honestly, because there's no particular sign. There's multiple, right? so
00:15:33
Tanya Ruttley
I don't know, maybe if the distance is there and you guys aren't, um let's say you're not in the same, well, you can't even say in the same room, because some couples live like that. But I would say if you normally um always spend time together, I do know a married couple, which not me, but a married couple who they've been married, I want to say...
00:15:44
Kim Fletcher
Yeah. Yeah. Right.
00:15:56
Tanya Ruttley
10 years? And she was like, no, I still sit up on each, my husband, like, they both sit up on each other all the time.
00:16:02
Kim Fletcher
yeah
00:16:03
Tanya Ruttley
Even if one is on the laptop doing something and one is on the phone, there's still, like, no space, right?
00:16:03
Kim Fletcher
yeah
00:16:09
Tanya Ruttley
I think in a situation like that, if all of a sudden...
00:16:14
Tanya Ruttley
that's I think that's hard. That's difficult because there are stages to it. Right. And normally when you realize it, it's just that one more thing. It's, I just, it's not, it's never one thing.
00:16:28
Tanya Ruttley
I think there are multiple steps to it. And then all of a sudden something happens and, you know,
00:16:35
Kim Fletcher
but you know women out before they leave or check out they already have checked out you know of the relationship or whatever
00:16:40
Tanya Ruttley
women, what now?
00:16:47
Kim Fletcher
if If you think about it, women always, they have already checked out of the relationship before they leave the relationship. Do you believe that?
00:17:01
Tanya Ruttley
ah
00:17:04
Kim Fletcher
So just your view.
00:17:06
Tanya Ruttley
That's a tough one. i've I've heard a lot of people say that that's
Emotional Detachment Before Breakups
00:17:10
Tanya Ruttley
that's a tough one. i can't I can't say...
00:17:12
Kim Fletcher
So.
00:17:13
Tanya Ruttley
I don't...
00:17:14
Kim Fletcher
Did you check it out just on the first one?
00:17:16
Tanya Ruttley
First, no.
00:17:17
Kim Fletcher
Did you check before you?
00:17:18
Tanya Ruttley
No.
00:17:19
Kim Fletcher
No.
00:17:20
Tanya Ruttley
No, it wasn't a checkout.
00:17:22
Kim Fletcher
You still in there.
00:17:23
Tanya Ruttley
um It wasn't like a checkout and then I planned it. It was shit hit the fan. Right? And I jumped immediately. Yes, was it was with emotions.
00:17:34
Tanya Ruttley
Sorry, but I, you know, I don't get why people have this whole thing. Oh, you're running with emotions. God gave them to me and I'm going to tap into them and I see nothing wrong with it.
00:17:39
Kim Fletcher
Right. Right.
00:17:43
Tanya Ruttley
So yes.
00:17:43
Kim Fletcher
Nothing.
00:17:45
Tanya Ruttley
It's like just that last thing. And it was, you know what? And I looked at him and told him, um, this what I'm about to go do. And honestly, he didn't believe me and dare me. And I went and did it like same day.
00:17:55
Kim Fletcher
Yeah.
00:17:57
Tanya Ruttley
I was in the military. i can go around to what they call JAG same day to file paperwork.
00:18:00
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:18:03
Tanya Ruttley
Right. Um,
00:18:04
Kim Fletcher
Yeah. So you didn't check out.
00:18:07
Tanya Ruttley
No, no, no, no, no. Not prior to. So, no, I was still fighting, like in the fight.
00:18:11
Kim Fletcher
Uh-uh.
00:18:14
Kim Fletcher
Mm-hmm.
00:18:15
Tanya Ruttley
So I hear a lot of people say that, but I will tell you.
00:18:16
Kim Fletcher
you know
00:18:19
Tanya Ruttley
Huh. It is known that I do know some that you can plan it, right?
00:18:21
Kim Fletcher
what
00:18:26
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:18:26
Tanya Ruttley
ah and and And I think even with planning it, you're still giving the guy ah an opportunity, at least I think, um for turnaround.
00:18:26
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:18:37
Tanya Ruttley
But if there's no turnaround while you're planning it, then I think there they'll be they'll be out. But I just don't think it's... Just that's what women do. I also believe that's what men do. This whole gender specific, I don't buy into when it comes to those type of things.
00:18:52
Kim Fletcher
by
00:18:54
Tanya Ruttley
I think that's the personality thing.
00:18:57
Kim Fletcher
What?
00:18:57
Tanya Ruttley
I don't think it's, oh, women check out before they leave. Hell, anybody can check out before they leave. It depends on the buildup, right?
00:19:05
Kim Fletcher
Mm-hmm.
00:19:07
Tanya Ruttley
So yeah, no, I don't i don't think that per se women check out. I think people check out.
00:19:12
Kim Fletcher
Right. And I do think men do. They check out as well before they leave because some men try to do all they can do and then they're just like, I'm done.
00:19:22
Tanya Ruttley
Yep.
00:19:24
Kim Fletcher
So we don't ever look like
00:19:25
Tanya Ruttley
And and i mean then, and then some women and some men, meaning people, shit, they check themselves out because they're doing all the wrong things and they need a way they need out. So they're checking out by already planning some stuff.
00:19:38
Tanya Ruttley
That's, that's, I think happens more than a lot of people talk about.
00:19:43
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:19:44
Tanya Ruttley
It's men and women.
00:19:46
Kim Fletcher
and
00:19:46
Tanya Ruttley
they are already doing things to cause the relationship to break, right? Relationship, marriage, whatever. They're already... They are the culprit. They are the reason why there's a lot of issues.
00:20:02
Tanya Ruttley
So... They're already one foot out the door. I think you're one foot out the door if you're disrespectful like that anyway, right? So I think that they're good for, oh, I'm already checking out.
00:20:10
Kim Fletcher
right
00:20:15
Tanya Ruttley
Well, hell yeah, you've been in the streets for a minute. I'm just saying.
00:20:18
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:20:19
Tanya Ruttley
A man or a woman. So that's why when you say women, I'm like... It was tough for me because I believe people do it. um Those who are being abused, meaning taken for granted.
00:20:31
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:20:32
Tanya Ruttley
That's what i mean by that. Their love is, you know, the abuse of their love. And then I also believe those who are just selfish and doing the wrong thing, get tired of being checked and corrected and called upon to fix themselves.
00:20:35
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:20:44
Tanya Ruttley
Then they exit. That's just what I believe. So I think people do it.
00:20:47
Kim Fletcher
That's fine.
00:20:48
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah.
00:20:50
Kim Fletcher
So if our talks, as we talk, and we talk all the time like this, so our thing is how to put the positivity out
Co-Parenting Advice
00:20:59
Kim Fletcher
there. Like how to help couples or relationships, or and how to help couples have a, what do you consider a good, healthy co-parent?
00:21:09
Kim Fletcher
How to help, what can we spread to help healthy co-parenting these days? You know,
00:21:15
Tanya Ruttley
I think one of the things is to just respect your ex, right? The parent of your child, because both of you have got to be in a good headspace, right?
00:21:26
Tanya Ruttley
So...
00:21:26
Kim Fletcher
Mm-hmm.
00:21:28
Tanya Ruttley
And we're now talking about the fact that they are exes, not trying to, not getting ready to be. This is, the relationship is already over, right? So what I would say is, think of your children first.
00:21:39
Tanya Ruttley
And in order to then move to the next stage, which is to take care of your children properly and co-parent, you have to make sure that both of you are in the right headspace first. Once you've accomplished that and really taken a look at yourself, gotten yourself where you need to be,
00:21:56
Tanya Ruttley
Start respecting that other parent, irregardless of whatever it is as long as it's not, you know, abuse.
00:21:58
Kim Fletcher
yeah
00:22:02
Tanya Ruttley
we We're not talking about that type of stuff. We're talking about good parents um or at least a parent striving even to do better.
00:22:06
Kim Fletcher
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
00:22:10
Tanya Ruttley
Right. Because a lot of people battle with issues and they're trying to some really are trying to do better. So even with those parents, I say, give them some grace. Allow the children to have a separate relationship outside of you as long as there is no abuse.
00:22:26
Tanya Ruttley
And just respect the fact that they're not a puppet on a string. They have the right to move on with their life and respect it. And I think it'll be fine if we can both do that.
00:22:37
Tanya Ruttley
I think it'll be fine.
00:22:38
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:22:39
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah.
00:22:40
Kim Fletcher
Well, I feel the same way.
00:22:40
Tanya Ruttley
What about you?
00:22:42
Kim Fletcher
It's just like, um, we try to balance things out. yeah Like I say, you line up, you, you are in a space where you don't see the things that I see, like some of the things like the, the, in a co-parenting where the mother taking on more than the father.
00:23:03
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah.
00:23:04
Kim Fletcher
and don't feel good because she's taken on more than the father and she don't feel like she should be taken on to more than the father. So yeah, so that's my question.
00:23:12
Tanya Ruttley
Yeah, I've seen that. Yeah.
00:23:15
Kim Fletcher
how can What can we say? What can we do or show to help them to have a healthy co-parent? What is a healthy co-parent? That's what I'm saying.
00:23:25
Kim Fletcher
but Because mu is no it's like the negative it is outweighing the positive, what I'm saying.
00:23:31
Tanya Ruttley
Well, this is what I did. I'll be vulnerable here because, you know, we said that's what we're gonna do. We're going to be raw. So um when I first got divorced, my ex-husband did nothing.
00:23:37
Kim Fletcher
Okay.
00:23:40
Tanya Ruttley
When I say nothing, I mean absolutely nothing. um I gave him, i want to say, three years before I even put him on child support because that's not what I wanted to do. I wanted him to step up um and be responsible. Now, at the same time, i also took into account that he had came to where I was, right? So he had left his job, followed me.
00:24:01
Tanya Ruttley
to my military location. And that's why i divorced him at. So I thought it would be fair to allow him time to get on his feet. Right.
00:24:12
Tanya Ruttley
But then we were three years later.
00:24:12
Kim Fletcher
Right.
00:24:14
Tanya Ruttley
So then that was an issue. So we, we had a bumpy road, Um, but then at the three year mark, I was like, enough's enough. And I put him on child support. Um, now what I did after that, because he still, I was still in a better position place than he was.
00:24:30
Tanya Ruttley
I actually drove my children to him for the summer. So even though I didn't like him, that had nothing to do with his relationship with his children, in my personal opinion. So what I think a good, healthy co-parenting thing would be is something like that. yeah If so another parent is in a position where they're trying to do better, or at least you hope that's what they're trying to do, is there something who's stronger at the moment, because we all have our highs and lows, you as the parent who's stronger at the moment, what are you doing to make that
00:25:04
Tanya Ruttley
look as decent as possible for your children. Right. um
00:25:07
Kim Fletcher
mm-hmm
00:25:08
Tanya Ruttley
So that's what I would do. Cause we're, we're out of state because of me. Right. So I would drive the children all the way back to Georgia to their father for the summer. um And we rotated holidays.
00:25:20
Tanya Ruttley
So that type of thing. Now years down the road, he eventually um met me halfway, like a few times, but still most of it was me driving the children to him. But then that was still my little guilt I had because I'm the one that moved them away from the state.
00:25:34
Tanya Ruttley
where we, you know, were residing in originally, where we're from, you know, Georgia. So,
00:25:40
Kim Fletcher
So you feel you're part of having a healthy co-parenting.
00:25:44
Tanya Ruttley
yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. um And so I just think that's what it, that's what it should look like. I don't think any parent, should always be the one, but sometimes you may be the majority of the time.
00:25:58
Kim Fletcher
Mm-hmm.
00:25:59
Tanya Ruttley
um But if you notice that you're in a better position, speaking to the women, if you're in a better position than your child's father and they're not abusive, um then I think it's okay if you do just a little bit to make sure those children can spend that time with their father and have a separate relationship outside of your relationship um with him.
00:26:18
Tanya Ruttley
That's what I think healthy co-parenting is.
00:26:19
Kim Fletcher
so So, yeah. And what about the ones that are trying to get the fathers to do and they don't do?
00:26:29
Tanya Ruttley
So that one is a little bit different. I do know of a situation where, um, one is just absolutely not in it.
00:26:35
Kim Fletcher
What's a healthy
00:26:38
Tanya Ruttley
I mean, there was just nothing. They just not involved. Right. Um, I think in those cases, I wouldn't want to force if the meeting, when I say force, if I say, I'm gonna bring you my child, bring the child, child and bring the children to you. And you're like, well, no, I'm not going be here. or That's something totally different.
00:26:55
Tanya Ruttley
Right.
00:26:56
Kim Fletcher
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
00:26:57
Tanya Ruttley
Um, I was saying meet the person where they at. So if the other parent don't want to have anything to do with the child, I'm not going to make you because I'm not going to do that to my children. They're going feel it.
00:27:09
Tanya Ruttley
Right. They're going to see it, but they're definitely going to feel, feel it. So in that instance, when you're saying the mother is trying and trying and trying and the father don't want to, Oh, we're not going to force that. Cause it's going to hurt my children more. Right.
00:27:24
Kim Fletcher
so you didn't So you didn't feel any kind of, in the quote in the co-parenting phase, you didn't feel any kind of like hurt, like you're tired. not Not, for say, hurt, like you're tired, all the weight is on you. You didn't feel any of that?
00:27:41
Tanya Ruttley
No. So I remember when I bought my first house,
00:27:42
Kim Fletcher
No. Okay.
00:27:44
Tanya Ruttley
um
00:27:44
Kim Fletcher
Okay.
00:27:46
Tanya Ruttley
I remember just thinking, wow, I really feel like even though I wasn't with my children's fathers, I still felt like it was, they helped me because they were paying child support.
00:28:01
Tanya Ruttley
They helped me get the house. They didn't give me the money say, Hey, here you go. You know what i mean? They paid child support.
00:28:06
Kim Fletcher
Yes.
00:28:06
Tanya Ruttley
So I felt like, and then my children always went to their father's summer and then every other holiday, like I said. So... I felt like I didn't do it alone. Now, was the majority of the responsibilities on me most of the time?
00:28:19
Tanya Ruttley
Yes. Because I had them with me. And guess what? I wanted them. So I didn't care about all that. i ain' um I'm not going to lie to you. I had structure. It was school, after school care.
00:28:27
Kim Fletcher
yes
00:28:28
Tanya Ruttley
I pick them up, you know, from work. I had my thing going. So no, and I never felt like, well, this isn't fair. Most of it's on me. and But then you have to think I also felt guilt because I was not in the state.
00:28:40
Tanya Ruttley
I purposely left. You see what i'm saying?
00:28:43
Kim Fletcher
but did you yeah But did you have a healthy co-parenting relationship?
00:28:47
Tanya Ruttley
Not at, um, I would say not at first because the, the ugly truth is my ex wanted me back for a long time.
00:28:49
Kim Fletcher
OK.
00:28:56
Tanya Ruttley
So it was it was difficult.
00:28:56
Kim Fletcher
OK.
00:28:59
Tanya Ruttley
I don't want to say too much. Even when he was getting remarried, it was difficult because I would never get back with him, right? um So it was difficult at first, and then it just eventually smoothed itself out.
00:29:14
Tanya Ruttley
um But, yeah, so I just took the lead in it and did my best, you know, with that.
00:29:21
Kim Fletcher
Yes.
00:29:21
Tanya Ruttley
It was bumpy, but it wasn't bumpy because of me. I'll say that.
00:29:25
Kim Fletcher
OK, so.
00:29:25
Tanya Ruttley
Now, sorry to bust your bubble, but we are over our 30 minutes.
00:29:29
Kim Fletcher
All right.
00:29:31
Tanya Ruttley
Yep. We're over the time. We've got to go. We're going to have to pick this back up.
00:29:35
Kim Fletcher
Episode six, watch us work. Episode six, watch us work.
00:29:40
Tanya Ruttley
Hold on.
Episode Conclusion and Next Steps
00:29:42
Tanya Ruttley
ah don Hold on. Hold on, Kim. Okay. So you guys are going to have to meet us back here tomorrow, day three at eight o'clock Eastern Standard Time.
00:29:45
Kim Fletcher
yeah
00:29:51
Tanya Ruttley
on all the same networks, YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, and then later on it'll be on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Thank you guys for listening.
00:30:02
Kim Fletcher
you Thank you.
00:30:02
Tanya Ruttley
Kim and Latrine will be here tomorrow. Have a good evening.
00:30:05
Kim Fletcher
yeah Have a good night.
00:30:08
Tanya Ruttley
Good night.