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I'm A F*cking Mom Now B*tches
191 Plays1 year ago
The epsiode you have all been waiting for, Kels' birth story! Well Phoebe's birth story that Kels birthed. You know what we mean. Get ready, we're having a baby.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Awake and Bake' podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Awake and Bake, an educational, high vibrational, mystical, spiritual, pot, I'm sorry, podcast from one girl, no joint, a baby in a journey to awaken what's inside all of us. In the words of the wise was Khalifa, please roll something and get the day started. Uh, it is Kelce here and I am not alone. If you hear a little, little tiny baby squeals, that's my little Phoebe June sitting on my chest. I've got like her in the little baby wrap.
00:00:27
Speaker
Um, because she will not leave my side. And, uh, obviously I am now a mom. Which is weird as fuck, to say the least. It's, it's, it's weird as fuck. It's crazy. Oh, there's a little Thebes. Her eyes are open now. She's got the prettiest blue eyes. Um, okay. So yeah, I thought that Thebes and I would hop on here. Oh, maybe she's not going to let me do this.
00:00:56
Speaker
She just wants to be a part of the show, everybody. So, Phoebes and I are going to hop on here and tell you the story of how she came to be, how she entered this world, because it's kind of an awesome story.
Kelce's early labor signs
00:01:09
Speaker
So, once upon a time on the evening of August 7th at 2 a.m., which I guess is kind of the morning of August 7th, early in the morning, August 7th, I woke up
00:01:26
Speaker
And I was feeling a little crampy and I was like, hmm, this is weird. About a week prior, I had had some cramps and Cole drove me to the hospital and everything. I thought I was in labor.
00:01:38
Speaker
Turns out I wasn't and so when I woke up this time at 2 a.m. I was like this feels different but I was like all of a sudden super anxious about maybe not being in labor and like having to go and again be that person who's like I'm in labor and then get sent home. So super anxious I woke up 2 a.m. having the cramps and then I went to the bathroom and I realized that I was like bleeding a little bit.
00:02:02
Speaker
For those of you who don't know, it's very normal to have something called bloody show when you start to enter into labor. And I say that because it can happen for some women early on. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you are in labor. But for me, I had a feeling that it meant I was in labor because that along with the contractions, which I still was just calling cramps because I wasn't sure if they were contractions. So I was bleeding like a little bit. It was just like a little bit of pink when I wiped, you know, ladies know what I'm talking about. Men, if you don't,
00:02:32
Speaker
learn about vaginas. Um, so it was just like a little pink when I wiped. Uh, and so I was like, okay, it's two in the morning. I feel too anxious to sleep now because I'm like, am I in fucking labor? So I went in and I woke up cold. Well, really, I just like, he stirred and then I was like, are you awake? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, I think I might be in labor. And then he was awake, awake.
00:02:59
Speaker
Um, so we sat up, sat up, I went out into the living room, sat on the couch and I was like, just again, like overthinking everything. Like I was like, is this everything that I felt like I felt I was like, was that real though? Or am I just being a baby or?
00:03:15
Speaker
Is this blah or blah, blah, blah? I was questioning everything that I was going through. I started timing the contractions. What they say is that they're going to come at, usually it'll start at 15 minute intervals and it'll get closer and closer together. You're supposed to go to the hospital when they hit five minutes apart.
00:03:33
Speaker
one minute in length for one hour. It's the 5-1-1 rule for those of you who don't know. So I was timing them, and they were anywhere from six minutes to four minutes apart. So then I was like, there's no way these can be real then, because I didn't have any super spaced out. It's too fast. So I was sitting there. We sat up till 3.30 in the living room watching The Office, and we were just talking about it. We were timing them. And I just was like, I don't know. I don't know.
00:04:03
Speaker
And then finally Cole was like, all right, we're just going to go to the hospital because I don't want you having a baby here. So I was like, okay, I guess we're going to do this. So we let the dogs out, fed them breakfast, got in the car. The hospital's like 50 minutes away from where we live.
00:04:22
Speaker
We had a little bit of a drive. They were getting a little bit more intense as we drove. But I was like, again, still just super unsure of everything. It was the weirdest feeling. It was like the most out of body experience because I was just like, because I had been turned away before and told that I wasn't labor, I just felt like I have no idea what labor feels like then. And then I also was thinking like, these are really painful. Like if this isn't labor, I'm not going to fucking make it.
00:04:52
Speaker
So we finally get the hospital at like 4.30.
Hospital arrival and triage experience
00:04:55
Speaker
We go upstairs. They bring you into a triage room. The hospital that we delivered at, I'm not going to say because this is online and I don't want people being creepy, but the hospital that we delivered at was really, really nice. And they have a triage room that you get to go into before you get put into a labor and delivery room.
00:05:13
Speaker
which I don't think all labor and delivery floors have that. And it just was a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful unit. It was freshly redone, I think within the last year or two years. And the staff was incredible. We'll get on that. So basically, we went into the triage room. I had a wonderful nurse and a kind of annoying doctor as a nurse.
00:05:35
Speaker
Doctors just aren't my favorite thing in the world. They're really kind of like my least favorite thing. So I had this great nurse and this kind of annoying doctor and the doctor came in and she was kind of like, it was the same doctor I'd had the week prior. And she was kind of like, I don't really think so, but like, we'll see. We'll do like some tests, but probably not. And I was like, okay, well, I'm 39 weeks and five days. Like, can you just induce me if this isn't it? Because I don't know if I can handle whatever you're going to tell me is really it.
00:06:05
Speaker
And she was like, well, it's super busy today. We have like five C-sections scheduled for the morning. And so I was kind of like in my head, like, okay, so they don't think this is labor and it's not, and I'm crazy. And I just was like getting really down on myself for like, nothing feels more, nothing makes you feel like less of a human than not understanding your body and what it's like signaling. Like, I don't know if that makes sense. And I don't know if it's the same for men or maybe this is like an innately,
00:06:35
Speaker
um, feminine feeling that's related to our ability to like procreate and like care, like, you know, like specifically, like as far as like periods, all of that stuff, like, I don't know. I just always feel and like the lack of education and all of that, like whenever I get something wrong about like the female anatomy parts of me or, you know, the uterus, I don't want to disclose or disclude, disinclude. Hmm. I'm not even high.
00:07:04
Speaker
What is the word? Oh well. It's uterus problems. I'm just going to say that. Gynecological problems. I guess I'm sure men have the same thing when they have problems with their prostate or sperm stuff, but I just mean something about reproductive health is so...
00:07:20
Speaker
It makes you feel so alone and stupid and like, or at least me, it makes me feel so alone and stupid and like, like whenever I get things wrong or when something, for whatever reason, when something happens in that realm of my body, I question it just so much. So I kind of like was like, okay, so I'm not in labor. I don't know anything. I thought my water had kind of broken. It was like trickling down.
00:07:41
Speaker
She made me feel like that didn't happen. So they tested me for my water breaking and then she checked my cervix and I was like still one and a half centimeters, which if you don't know, you're supposed to get up to 10 when you deliver.
00:07:55
Speaker
So I was not like I was one and a half. Like I was still at the very beginning and I had been one and a half for like two weeks. So it was like not a big deal. So I was again, like getting bummed. Um, so then we had to wait for that test result to come back about the, uh, if my water had broken and so Cole and I kind of were like sitting there and we were like, all right, so I guess we're going home. But I was like freaking the fuck out. Cause I was like, am I just going to deal with this paint? Like, hold on though. Like I can't.
00:08:22
Speaker
be going home. I had to stand up and rock. I couldn't sit still. It was painful. So little Miss Dr. Know-It-All comes back and she was like, okay, so your water did break and we are going to admit you and you're having a baby today. And I wanted to be like, I fucking told you so, bitch. But I didn't because I was in pain and I didn't want to. At this point, the pain was
00:08:52
Speaker
Like pretty bad period cramps is the only way to describe it. Like it wasn't unbearable or anything yet, but it was just really uncomfortable. And like, you're of those period cramps that like, you just like, yeah, you can't sit still through. Like you just, I need to like rock back and forth or like be in the fetal position. It was like that. So then they got to check me into my delivery room. And again, like this hospital had just beautiful rooms. I'm so grateful. Number one, I'm grateful that I didn't have to deliver in a military hospital. Cole being in the Navy.
00:09:21
Speaker
you know, if we were in San Diego, I would have had to deliver at the Naval base or like the Naval hospital. Um, and I got to do it at a normal civilian hospital, which I love, um, because I didn't have to deal with fucking military doctors because a doctor's bad. A military doctor is worse. Um, I'm going to burp. So I was in my living delivery room. My, I had my same nurse. She came with me for a little bit. It was like 5 am at this point, 5 30, maybe. Um,
00:09:50
Speaker
And she was like, all right, well, we probably don't see a doctor till like seven when the doctors come on. So just kind of sit tight, like, you know, if you don't want any pain medication right now. And that early on, I believe I could have had an epidural, but actually what they were going to give me was going to be morphine, which is safe that
Embracing labor pain and support from Cole
00:10:09
Speaker
early on. But I just didn't want that because it doesn't necessarily take away the pain so much as it just makes you like loopy.
00:10:16
Speaker
And I just, I don't know, I was like, nah, I'm good. My goal, like my birth plan was to wait until I was at seven centimeters and then get an epidural.
00:10:26
Speaker
and then push the fucking baby out. So I was at 1.5, it was 5.30, six o'clock in the morning, wanted to wait till seven or had to wait till seven to see the doctor. So Cole and I just kind of like, Cole went and got our bags, we settled in, I called my parents and let them know, I called his parents, like we just were like, okay, like, we're doing this and then spent until the doctor came in just like looking at each other being like, is this happening? Oh my God, this is happening.
00:10:55
Speaker
Um, and it did happen. And so, uh, then the doctor came in and she was fucking amazing. I am in love with this doctor. Uh, she was so cool and you'll hear more about that as we go on, but for this morning part, um, she comes in, she's super nice. She just like introduced herself, asked me what I want.
00:11:19
Speaker
asked me what my dreams for a delivery would be, blah, blah, blah. And we talked to her, and she was just very realistic and answered all my questions. So then she went to check my cervix, and she put her fingers in, checked it. I was at three centimeters, so I had grown. My cervix had grown. And the baby's head was right on my cervix, so it was like, okay, so if you're non-medical people,
00:11:46
Speaker
you have to dilate, which is how wide your cervix opens, 10 centimeters. Then there's a basement, which is how thin your cervix gets. Think about it like Play-Doh. If you're stretching it out, then it's also going to get thinner. So the basement is the thinness of it. And then the fetal position is how far down on your pelvis it is. So like negative four is all the way, it's not all the way up, but like it's up, it's not engaged at all.
00:12:15
Speaker
and then positive four would be almost crowning, like it's in your vagina. So I was three centimeters, fully effaced, and like a minus one position. So she was pretty at my pelvis, pretty at my cervix. And so we were like, oh, wow, this has kind of progressed quickly.
00:12:37
Speaker
It's been like an hour since the last time I was checked. Wow. And I hadn't had no Pitocin, which is what is like the induction medication. So she was like, all right, well, I can feel you still have a little bit of your amniotic sac. So I'm going to break the rest of your water. She did that. And I thought it was going to be painful to use almost like a crochet hook, which was weird. It didn't hurt at all. But when I tell you, I've never felt more disgusting.
00:13:07
Speaker
It was like I peed the bed without peeing. It was the weirdest thing. It was the weirdest gush of water out of me. I hated it. That was honestly probably the worst part of this whole delivery was having my water broken and not because of pain. So I did get a little nervous at this point because when she broke my water, she let me know that little baby had pooed in there. Myconium is what the first poop's called.
00:13:35
Speaker
after coming out of the body. And sometimes the baby releases some of that within. And it wasn't a problem, but it can potentially cause problems. Like if they had breathed it in, stuff like that. She wasn't worried about that. They just wanted to, when I pushed the baby out, they were gonna just have the NICU there to be safe. And so I got like a little bit nervous. But when I tell you that my only like birthing technique, my only,
00:14:04
Speaker
The only thing that got me through was just being like surrender, just surrendering to the universe, surrendering to my journey, to the process, to all of it. I just was like, okay. Everything I took, everything that happened, I just was like, okay, we're going to let this happen. Okay, we're going to let this happen. This is what's going to happen now. When it came to being in pain, I just was like, okay, it's painful now, but it's going to end.
00:14:31
Speaker
After she broke my water, that's when things started getting real, real for me. It does speed things up a little bit when they break your water, so I started feeling things a lot more intense. Like when I said before that the cramps that I was having, the contractions, I always call them cramps for some reason. The contractions I was having were bad period cramps. These contractions were five times that.
00:14:58
Speaker
It was getting real intense. I couldn't sit still, but like to the extreme, like I had to, like I was in so much pain.
00:15:06
Speaker
I tried standing and rocking. I tried sitting. I tried all these different things. Honestly, I felt the most comfortable on the toilet because my water had broken and so I just kept constantly feeling like I had to pee. I don't know if that's normal, but for me, I just feel like I have to pee and I didn't want to pee the bed again. I hated that feeling. I just sat there and was letting it go. In my birthing class, our teacher Beth,
00:15:35
Speaker
again, was an amazing nurse. She worked on this labor and delivery floor actually, but she wasn't on shift when I delivered. But so she had said that something that helped her through her pregnancies was just to remember and keep saying the mantra of, I trust my body and I will let it do what it needs to do. And I thoroughly lived by that. I had all these plans of
00:15:59
Speaker
I had these birth affirmations, I had playlists, I had things that I was going to do to distract myself, but I literally only was repeating that one mantra. That is what I needed was to just keep telling myself that my body knows what it's doing and I trust it. The pain is the strangest pain in the world because
00:16:22
Speaker
It ends like it is like your period cramps like that's it's I don't know if you guys hear that but she's making the cutest little breathing as she sleeps on my chest. Making the cutest breathing weird. Kelsey, you got to learn to talk again. I've been in Ohio for too long. Okay, anyways, the pain. So like contractions really less less like two minutes max. So like, what one of these really bad contractions would start, I would
00:16:48
Speaker
feel it come on. It's like a wave. It has a rise, it has a crest, and then it has a fall. They sucked. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It was the most pain I've ever felt.
00:17:01
Speaker
but I just was able to keep breathing and remember like, okay, my body knows what's happening. And then like, if I could distract myself for what felt like a minute, then I'd be like, okay, I'm halfway done. Like, even if I was lying to myself, like I would, I knew that it was going to end. I knew I was going to get some reprieve. Um, and that just really helped a lot to like have those moments. And then obviously Cole was with me the entire time and he was so incredibly helpful. My original plan was to have him do this episode with me, but he's napping now.
00:17:29
Speaker
Um, and as new parents, our sleep is fucking precious. So, um, he was with me the entire time and he was so sweet. Like, guys, I can't even, I'm going to like cry, but, um,
00:17:43
Speaker
the most supportive partner I've ever could have imagined for myself. I'm in awe of him and everything that he did for me. I feel terrible because he was so sweet and kind and doting to me. Anything I wanted, every time I would have a contraction, he would be like, what can I do for you? And I had to keep being like, honey?
00:18:02
Speaker
I love you. I can't answer questions while I'm in this much pain." And so he'd be like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'd have another contraction and he'd be like, what can I do? What can I do? And I was like, I'm literally going to kill you. I was definitely not a nice laboring wife. I was not nice. Thank God he loves me so much because I kept like
00:18:20
Speaker
He would try to rub me or give me a massage and I would be like, please stop touching me. His hands felt too hot. That's all I remember is that his hands were just too warm for me. And so I would slap him away. And then I'd be like, after the contraction ended, I would be like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And he was like, you're literally like a Canadian, what did he call me? Like a Canadian laborer, because yeah, I would be a bitch. And then I would just be like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And he was like, you don't need to apologize. But he was saying my affirmations for me about
00:18:50
Speaker
You're so strong. You know, you're amazing. You're a woman you can do this like your body is amazing like just literally guys like it was he's the most amazing partner in the world and This really showed like we were
00:19:03
Speaker
in this together 100% completely. There was no going back. There was no questioning that this was a team effort completely. Though, lucky for him, he didn't have to feel any of the pain, and he got to eat. When you give birth, you're on clear liquids, which is... All right, I have some thoughts about it, but we're not going to get into that today. Now it's 9.30. These contractions were
00:19:33
Speaker
unbearable. I am shaking. I am puking. In my head, I'm probably only like four centimeters. No, I'm tapping out. I literally said to my nurse, who this was a different nurse now because of shift change at seven. This is the nurse that I had at this point is the one who was there throughout the delivery.
00:19:57
Speaker
she is an angel from the universe. I was so divinely protected, guided. I can't even put into words something about me is that I am a strict female care patient, which I think I've mentioned that in an episode before, but you can do that. You can choose to be female only care and they have to honor it. Obviously, if it's like you're in the emergency room and
00:20:21
Speaker
Okay, you get the doctor that you get. But I am a strict female-only, female care-only patient. I don't, I can't be taken care of by men. I've had too many bad experiences with male practitioners. And again, like in the emergency room and labor and delivery, you're kind of dealt the hand that you're dealt. Like I only had options, or my only option was the doctors that were on call that day. And I was,
00:20:51
Speaker
I don't even want to say lucky. I, the universe has me. And so I had a female doctor in labor delivery. It's typically only female nurses, but I had my female nurse who, and they both like, like the team that we had, it was just so incredible. It was like family, like immediately. And we laughed, we cried. Like it was, we all just, it was beautiful. So anyways, so I literally said to my nurse, I was like, I don't need to be a hero. I need the epidural now.
00:21:20
Speaker
So when you want to get an epidural, a little education for all my friends out there who might someday have a child, you have to have a thousand milliliter bolus, first a fluids, then they can call anesthesia. And then you have to wait probably like half hour for them to get there. So it takes a little bit of time. You don't just get to say it and then get it.
00:21:39
Speaker
So I did that. I was sitting waiting in so much pain again, like shaking, puking. I genuinely don't even really remember this part. And this is why I wanted Cole to be here on this episode with me, because this is like when he remember this is when he was the rock star. And like, I just I just remember moments of pain. And that's only like when I think about it. Like, I'm not saying like I was traumatized and that like all I remember from my labor is pain.
00:22:05
Speaker
But I just mean that of this part, like I just remember like breathing through contractions. I just remember being like all in my head being like, I'm going to get through, I need to get through and then getting through the next one. And then eventually my anesthesiologist came up and when I tell you an epidural is the greatest thing in the world.
Epidural relief and preparation for delivery
00:22:25
Speaker
Unbelievable. I am in love with it. It's very weird because like it's you're not numb you can still feel But you don't feel the pain if that makes like it's it's it's the wildest feeling And so I got that and it was like immediately night and day difference between before now I will say I think I could have done it without
00:22:53
Speaker
epidural I think I could have made it because at this point actually right after I got the epidural they checked me and I was like seven centimeters so I was actually almost done like with the heart what the hardest part is the 8 to 10 that's supposed to be the worst part but I was I was fucking there so like I keep I told Cole afterwards I was I think I could have done this without the epidural however I wouldn't have enjoyed it and I wouldn't have had this magical experience that I did have which I will say that my birth was
00:23:22
Speaker
beautiful magic. So I got my epidural, and then you get a catheter. So I got my first catheter ever. Also weird, because you don't have to think about peeing. It's such a crazy thing, things that you don't think of. So I got my first catheter, and then I was in heaven. I was sitting there. I was seven centimeters. I was like, oh, I'm almost done. But I had a feeling I was like, oh, this last part is going to take forever.
00:23:48
Speaker
So I got to have a popsicle. I was watching Friends, which, guys, since you already know, probably from Instagram and stuff, I had a baby girl named Phoebe. It just seemed perfect that I got to watch Phoebe before delivering Phoebe. So I probably got the epidural. It was like, I think like 10, 10, 15.
00:24:08
Speaker
Cold got a little bit of rest in. I got a little bit of naps in between contractions because while I wasn't in as much pain, I was still having this really sharp pain in my left side of my pelvis. It felt like it was in my hip.
00:24:22
Speaker
And that can be normal that not all of you gets kind of numbed up. And so I just was like, all right, whatever, this is part of it. And it was better than it was before. So I, I was still feeling it. But I was like, it's okay, like I can get through this. And I would just like sleep in between contractions. So then at like,
00:24:42
Speaker
I think it was like 11.45. The nurse came back in. She was talking to me, like we were just like, she was asking how things were going blah, blah, blah. And then one of the doctors came in, another funeral doctor came in and she was like, I'm just going to check your cervix real quick. And so I was like, all right, like check it out. I can't feel it. So do what you need to do. And she literally like barely put her fingers in and was like, oh, okay, you're having a baby. And I was like, wait, what? How, how?
00:25:12
Speaker
Now, can I get a nap in? I was in shock. Remember, this whole thing started at 2 a.m. It's 10 a.m. Okay, we'll say 11 a.m.
00:25:24
Speaker
No, it was like 11.45. So like almost noon, whatever guys, it's been like 10 hours. So I was told that it's time and I'm gonna start pushing and that was like, they just were like, okay, like that's what you're gonna do. Didn't know this, but you pretty much push with just your nurse. Like it was just me and my nurse for a lot of it, and Cole, obviously. And this is where it just,
00:25:52
Speaker
became the most beautiful. It was excruciating. I'm going to say that. The physical exertion that I had to put into it, pushing, it's very weird. People say it's pooping. It is, but it isn't. It's more on your abdominals, I feel like. And you actually have to relax your perineum, which I didn't. I don't know. It all is so different than what you think. Even if you're listening to this and I'm telling you these little things, it's just going to be so different than you expect.
00:26:23
Speaker
And so, yeah, I started pushing. Cole held one of my legs. The nurse held the other. I had pictures of my dogs and of John, my best friend. I had a picture of Danny and Danny's dog, Monkey. I just had all this stuff around me that I just surrounded myself with love. And then I was like, all right, I'm going to push this baby out. And so let's say I started pushing at noon, I think it was.
00:26:52
Speaker
It was surreal, the actual act of pushing out my child. And again, this is why I'm saying, I think I could have done it without the epidural, but I don't think I would have enjoyed it and found it as beautiful because I would have been in more pain. But it was so cool. I loved it, which is weird. I never thought I would say that. But the connection with Cole during it was incredible.
00:27:17
Speaker
The connection with my nurse was incredible, the connection of just my body. I've never felt so in tune with myself, which is such a flip from how I felt early in that morning when I was like, am I questioning everything? Am I really in labor? Blah, blah, blah. When I was pushing her out, I was so like, oh, this is it. This is what we're meant to do. I'm going to bring my baby into this world and let's do it. I just was in the zone.
00:27:42
Speaker
but I was still able to enjoy everything. Like we still were making little jokes and like I was in charge and like, you know, in between contractions we would talk and I would have sips of water and like focus about what had happened in the last contraction, what felt like it worked and what didn't. And then a contraction would come on and I would just be like, okay guys, like let's go. And so I pushed, I'm going to say through like three contractions, maybe four. So like 10, 15 minutes of pushing. And then, um,
00:28:12
Speaker
I, Cole and the nurse were like, okay, like, we can kind of see the head now. And so the nurse called, like, on their little cell phone things. And she was like, all right, we're going to need a doctor in here. And then she had kind of weird look on her face. Remember how I said earlier that it was a busy day and labor and delivery. Well,
00:28:33
Speaker
It was a busy day, so we didn't know if we were going to have a doctor. She thought maybe she was going to have to do this alone, which she'd done before and I trusted her, but it's still a little bit weird when you're in that vulnerable position and then someone gets a look of uh-oh. We just had to keep pushing. You have to keep going.
00:28:54
Speaker
in the middle of birthing my child. The three of us were like, okay, here we go. We're going to do this. I kept pushing. I think I made it through two more pushes, and then the doctor did show up. It was the first doctor that I had seen, the one that was amazing that I loved.
00:29:14
Speaker
Um, and she just came in and she was like, all right, like let's do this. And then she like looked down and I was like in the middle of a push and then she was like, oh, oh, we're doing that right now, like right now, right now. So she like count up real quick and everything. And yeah, I did. I had one contraction and, and then another, and then, um,
Phoebe's birth and reflections on childbirth
00:29:38
Speaker
Cole had told her, I want to be as involved as I can be. So I was kind of at this point just focused on pushing. And I just remember hearing her say, OK, Dad, get your hands in there. And so Cole actually got to deliver Phoebe her head. I didn't even crown. Her head just kind of popped out. So Cole had to grab it. And then he kind of had to help through the next couple of pushes.
00:30:06
Speaker
And they were like half pushes kind of to get her body out and then Cole was able to put her on my chest and like, it was just the most beautiful moment for the three of us to like, enter this world, bring her into this world altogether. And I just like, I'll never forget it. It was amazing. It was absolutely beautiful.
00:30:27
Speaker
and having the doctor there and the nurse and that I both both people who I like would trust my whole life with and she had her first cries and then Cole and I both started crying and well I will say she was covered in shit literally because she had pooped in me.
00:30:45
Speaker
Um, so I was covered in her shit. I didn't even care at the time, but now looking back, also it took me a while to get cleaned up. So, um, but they're not as gross. I thought it would be really nasty having them be like all slimy and you just don't think about it when you're in that moment. You're just kind of.
00:31:02
Speaker
distracted and so yeah Cole was like it's a girl and so we were like Phoebe June she's here and she was seven pounds two ounces she was nineteen and a half inches long and she was just perfect like I have never looked at something and just immediately felt a love like that like it was just the most beautiful thing and also the most
00:31:26
Speaker
Again, just like magical is the only word I have for it. Like it literally, I've never felt so connected to my physical body, my spiritual body, the universe, source, like everything. Like I literally felt the life coming out of me and not like dying, but like another life coming out of me and then to just see her
00:31:48
Speaker
be so alive and so brand new. It was just, it was so cool. And then to have had that extra level of Cole being able to be the one that delivered her, like it was a dream. I feel extremely, extremely grateful and blessed that my birth was
00:32:05
Speaker
such a beautiful, beautiful thing because I know so many people have very traumatizing births and traumatizing experiences. And like it just it can be a lot to go through. And I get it. It was a lot to go through. I'm not I'm not discouraging what I went through. But I also am just taking a moment to be grateful that it wasn't things things can just go so wrong.
00:32:32
Speaker
in birth and I'm very grateful that everything went so incredibly right. And I really truly believe that a part of a huge reason for that was because I was so trusting. I surrendered from the moment that I felt that first contraction at 2 a.m.
00:32:55
Speaker
All I did was choose to surrender to my body, to the universe, to source, to the journey of this life and just allow what needed to happen to happen. The pain that I needed to feel, I felt and I felt it in the rawest way and it felt
00:33:10
Speaker
good in a way. I mean, it did. It felt powerful. It's painful, yes, obviously. Again, it was the worst pain I've ever felt, but it also was the strongest I have ever felt. It was the most powerful. It was the most feminine. It was the most magical I have ever felt. I feel like I've said magical a million times, but it's just true. It's an indescribable feeling to bring life into this world.
00:33:37
Speaker
and to do so with a partner who you love so much and have such a connection with, and then to have this thing now that's half him and half me. It is the most incredible thing I've ever done in my entire life, and nothing has ever felt so right. From the moment that she, honestly, from the moment she was conceived, but it was just solidified in the moment that she was
00:34:05
Speaker
brought into this world earth side and was okay. I think especially with my previous pain with having had a miscarriage, it was one of those situations, this pregnancy that while I was grateful and I knew everything was real, it didn't feel really real until she was here. It still felt like something that could be taken away from me. And I still get that feeling now like, oh my God, something could happen.
00:34:30
Speaker
But again, I'm surrendering. I'm not going to stress. I'm not going to be anxious about those things because I trust and I trust that I was meant to be here to be Phoebe's mom. And like we already have such a beautiful
00:34:46
Speaker
connection bond between us like I I have never felt anything like this and it has brought Cole and I so much closer like I always trusted him with my life but now I trust him with my baby and it's just such a a crazy feeling it really is it's I had last week last Tuesday I had like three
00:35:12
Speaker
really hard days. She was cluster feeding and I wasn't sleeping. It was the most difficult days of my life probably. It was the most personally difficult.
00:35:26
Speaker
And I sat there and I just was like, I don't know if I can do this. But then even when I had those moments of questioning or the moments of doubt within myself, like I was able to just remember just like, it's just like a contraction. It's going to end. This, this is just a period. Like it's, it's going to come to an end and then it's, it'll be back to the normal. It'll be back to, and I'm not saying it'll be back to perfect and you know, all lolly, la dee da and everything.
00:35:52
Speaker
I'm saying it'll be back to stable. Like, I think that's where a lot of us get mixed up is by hoping or waiting for the great moments. And it's like, no, just take your time to enjoy the stable moments, enjoy the mundane, slow moments. And like, that's where we are right now is we're back in like,
00:36:14
Speaker
kind of our, I don't want to say routine because I'm not really doing a routine. I'm not really doing like a schedule for her. I know you're supposed to, but I'm just like, I'm just baby leading like whatever she wants she can get because she's a perfect angel. Um, and yeah, yeah, that's, that's the story of how I became a fucking mother. Now I've been breastfeeding and pumping and like changing dirty diapers and
00:36:40
Speaker
She came into this world a little over two weeks ago and I'm recording a podcast episode cause I'm a boss ass bitch. And yeah, I haven't come back to smoking yet just because I want to really have this down before I, you know, inebriate myself or alter myself in any way. Plus I've just really wanted to be really present with this. Like I haven't, I've had a real high on just life recently. Um,
00:37:10
Speaker
Yeah, it's been beautiful. It's crazy guys. I don't know. I hope I haven't been, I feel like I've been speaking kind of like boring throughout this episode. I'm just like, but I just, I feel very like stable. I guess that's the only word I have. Um, and I mean that in a great way. Like I don't, I, it feels great to be stable as someone with mental illness. Stability is not something I often have. I'm grateful for it right now.
00:37:35
Speaker
Um, that's another thing is right. I've been so anxious about like postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, postpartum anxiety. And I think of the three, I've definitely been experiencing some postpartum anxiety. Um, but not anywhere to the level where I was mentally preparing for it. Um, like I, I've,
00:37:58
Speaker
I've been okay, which is weird. Cole said it the other day, he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's gonna happen? Things seem too good right now. And I kind of laughed, we laughed at that, but then I reminded him and myself, okay, but wait, no, things are, they simply are. Just because things are going well doesn't mean that you're due for something terrible to happen or anything like that. Things can just be good, and eventually things will
00:38:27
Speaker
there's the duality of life and things will go the other way and things won't be good and that'll be okay too and it's like a contraction you breathe through it and you just trust you trust the process and then you get a beautiful feebes like I can't I wish you guys could be looking at her right now I she's perfect she's the most beautiful little girl and her fucking chart okay she has a Leo Sun a Taurus moon and a Libra rising I
00:38:54
Speaker
I have never been jealous of someone else's chart before. She's literally going to save the world and be beautiful while doing it, like beautiful inside and out. Yeah. Okay. I just missed you guys. I missed you and now I'm back and I've got a little feeb doing it with me. I hope she hasn't been too loud breathing throughout this because she's right on my chest. If she is, let me know because then I won't do it like this again, but I probably will anyways because you're lucky to be able to hear her breath.
00:39:24
Speaker
Okay, I love you guys. Say hi. Bye.