Transcript
Speaker: I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
Speaker: Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
Speaker: We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
Speaker: I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
Speaker: Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
Speaker: Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad. You want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk?
Speaker: We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
Speaker: Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes. Hello, and thank you for calling two guys, one screen. Oh, man. Should we just, like, hire, like, a little Indian kid for, like, 20 cents a day just to, like, sit there and take our voicemails?
Speaker: Yeah. Hello, thank you for calling to Guy One Screen. We love to hear your movie, comment, recommendation, favorite curry flavor.
Speaker: i like chicken brionni in my free time, and I wipe my ass with my finger. it
Speaker: Uh, the only food that I have been able to eat in the last 48 hours is chicken boion cubes.
Speaker: And the last chicken boion cube I ate was actually dirt, but it looked like chicken boion cubes.
Speaker: So I eat it and I go, Patero, this is gross! Uh... hu ah
Speaker: This is episode 93 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast. We are the hemorrhoid homies. ah The new one, the Hindi homos. Wow.
Speaker: And... Neither of us are Indian, by the way. Nope, but I've been there. It is dirty. so not no so We're here to ah were review a film as we normally do on this podcast.
Speaker: And that is Home Alone. One of the all-time classics. Yeah, I mean, this is a movie that I was pretty confident that I had seen in my life. And it turns out I for sure can confirm I've never seen it.
Speaker: That is the most like non-white thing I think I've ever heard someone say. Yeah, but I mean, we do, you know, on the note of not being white. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, i you think I'd see this, you know, I've I've i just kind of told people I saw it and I just never saw it Have you seen the sequel?
Speaker: That's the thing, right? How many them are there? Four? Unfortunately, there's five. i mean, what? I mean, talk about and being a black parent, leaving your kid alone four times. Oh, so here's the thing, right? Yeah.
Speaker: One and two. ah Two is better, in my opinion. But one, because there's more, like, stuff happening. um There was actually, like, low-key some gore in this that I don't remember at all.
Speaker: Sure. But... um Two is good. They're lost in New York. So it's Kevin again. Three is a completely different kid. And it's like three burglars.
Speaker: And then four. Yeah. Four. They recast everybody. But it's supposed to be Kevin and like. Oh, everybody else. That's weird. Dude. Yeah. Do we ever get fucking Marvin Harry again or no?
Speaker: Marv is in the fourth one. Not Marv. Yeah. Marv. Harry. Harry. Joe Pesci. yeah joe Yeah, Joe Pesci's in the fourth one, but a joe not joke but it's not Joe Pesci.
Speaker: Oh, he's supposed to be Harry? Yeah. Yeah, that's fucking gay. Or Marvel. Who the fuck is Cash grab. Oh, yeah. i own i I got really drunk one night, and I ordered it on DVD.
Speaker: On DVD? ah There's no Blu-ray. Fuck, you think this is? This is Home Alone 4. Oh, you're talking about the fourth one. Sorry. yeah I thought you were going to do this movie. No, no, no. I have one and two on Blu-ray. Three is irrelevant to my life. and Did anybody hear that guy getting pegged next door? Did you pick that up?
Speaker: Yeah, what was that? It was a guy getting pegged. Oh. I don't know what it was. I'm just saying maybe it was a guy getting pegged. All right. ah Well, to ah set the ah day that we're recording this, Tom Brady said the N-word last night.
Speaker: Tom Brady said the N-word, and it's it's... It's out there. It's on national TV. Monday, November 24th, he dropped it big. Yeah. I mean, it was a it was an accident.
Speaker: Yeah. what was the What was the thing we were talking about that you wanted to put it, and we wanted to talk about on Snapchat about N-words? Not about them. no I mean, I don't know. Well, if Tom Brady can say it, right?
Speaker: We can't. No, I was I've been I've been chosen. I've been owned by blacks have taken us as under their wing. I'm under the black wing now. Gingers. Oh, OK. Yeah. So technically, I could say it.
Speaker: Well, fat. i feel I feel like fat people should be there, too, because they like fat white women. why can they Yeah. You know, fight white fat white men. Home Alone with what we're here to review today. And this movie came out in 1990. This is like Chris Benoit is on the come up. He ain't big, but he's probably wrestling the smaller leagues, you know?
Speaker: Yeah, maybe WCW. I don't know. Yeah. not Maybe Japan. I think we looked into this already, and I just can't seem to bookmark that same website for us. But I'll find It wasn't the Fed, I'll tell you that much. No.
Speaker: Yeah. ah Movie came out in 1990. Directed by Chris Columbus. oh If that sounds familiar, he directed not one, but two Harry Potter movies. Harry. I mean, and and Mrs. Doubtfire. This guy's just got hitters. You know what else? I haven't seen Mrs. Doubtfire.
Speaker: It's little too long. There's no reason for a a comedy to be two hours. Yeah, that is brutal. He directed The Philosopher's Zone, Storrs for a Zone, and he did your favorite, Chamber of Secrets.
Speaker: That's what's up. That's what I'm talking about. He also did the Pixels movie, which I don't need to see that. No, it's bad. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, it can't be worse than the Emoji movie. The Emoji movie, I think, is but i think is one of the worst movies of all time, right? Has to be? It's got to be.
Speaker: It's got to be. Yeah, where's the button? and working today Well, that doesn't make any sense because this is not coming out after our other episode, so never mind. But he... Scrolling down Letterboxd...
Speaker: He was a producer on Nosferatu. Look this guy. That's big. You think we should do Nosferatu next year for a December Christmas movie?
Speaker: We could. That's a two-hour... Over two-hour movie. Should we You're right, actually. and To be honest. Should next year, should we do movies that came out like on Christmas Day, like Christmas Day release movies?
Speaker: That'd be cool. Right? We could specifically pick out movies that released on Christmas Day. There can't be many good ones. I mean, you're probably right. Right? I mean. Yeah.
Speaker: Try a select few. Check out our reviews on all these movies. Harry Potter 1, 2, all the Harrys. Check out Nosferatu. Check out he produced on Prisoner of Azkaban. Check that shit out. You fucking.
Speaker: ah So. you Yeah, you fuckings. He also produced on The Witch. If you scroll down. Wow. Also a good film. Brutal for a scene by scene.
Speaker: Very. i mean, wow. So I have this law. I have this mark that's watched and I should just unmark it because I definitely haven't seen this movie before. So Tyler gave this movie a two star.
Speaker: Tyler gave Wicked 2 a four and a half. And I just like, we can't trust this guy. Wicked 2, he gave four and a half. Yeah. There's no way it's better than the first one. First one's not great. you Correct.
Speaker: Yes. Right. he He definitely went with his girlfriend. Yeah. And she was definitely like stroking him off in the theater. So he's like, this is a four and a half. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: yeah He's like, Ariana started singing, I was coming. Like, it was just a fucking good time. Oh, yeah. And then the yeah the black bitch was, like, flying on her broom. Yeah, what the fuck's her name? Geneva, whatever the fuck it is.
Speaker: In the movie or real life? The real, the lady. I think it's Cynthia, isn't it? Like, yeah, Cynthia, Geneva, whatever. My fucking Glock. Yeah. But she's British, so it's like, Oi, we don't have those. We got ones.
Speaker: But... yeah but sorry did you see the video that ariana grande got like a mob by some fucking random dude at a at the premiere and she like fucking stepped in real quick cynthia did oh yeah she was like back the fuck off like she started like she she hearkened back to her inner hood right i mean honestly i like really respect that that's cool to have like your uh you know Fellow... Yeah. I'll put my wand out. know what mean? I'll put my pedavra. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah, I turned good at the end of the movie. Spoiler, but I'll be bad for you.
Speaker: Yeah. Wicked for good? No, wicked for you, motherfucker. Yeah. Alright, so here's your cast. Mainly this is a not fucking it list, right? I mean...
Speaker: There's only one person I'm fucking. I think, well, mom, one, one, cause I want to. And the other one for the clout, the mom, I want to fuck. And if the older sister was of the one did the head count, she could give me a head count. You know i'm mean? Oh yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. I'd give her the fucking, that's fair. I'd give her the fucking night of her life. You what mean? know You know who was fucking Macaulay Culkin? Michael Jackson. That little priest in the church? Michael Jackson.
Speaker: Allegedly not, but given yeah Michael's track record. Yeah, I mean, he probably did. And we are here to support you, Macaulay Culkin, because that's not okay. Definitely not.
Speaker: So Macaulay Culkin plays Kevin. And I mean, as an adult, I'm talking mcco i'm fucking Macaulay Culkin just for the clout, no? As an adult. Oh, yeah, he does look a little special, though, which is always off-putting. He sure busts big.
Speaker: Yeah. Right. And, you know, this is Macaulay Culkin. He's in The Good Son, which you like, and I just believe. movie. I just can't even believe that, to be honest with you. It's just crazy. in another movie that's, like, coming up or some shit. He's in Jacob's Ladder?
Speaker: Jacob's Ladder's ass. Is it? Have you seen it? No. It's not good. Talk about a movie where nothing happens. Okay. Okay. Oh, it's by Adrian Lynn. What a fucking surprise. Fuck that guy. Scroll all the way down to the actors in and then it's Michael Jackson's boys. What are we doing?
Speaker: Wait, wait, where? Sorry. Macaulay Culkin actor all the way down. Bottom left. Michael Jackson's boys.
Speaker: Yeah, it's sus. It's pretty sus. Next, we got Joe Pesci. This is who I'm fucking for the clout, by way. Yeah, I mean, he's in... I mean, I'm fucking him big just for the clout.
Speaker: He's in Buenos Muchachos, a.k.a. Goodfellas. Shout out to changing your poster on Letterboxd. Yeah. Also, if you've never seen Goodfellas, you might great want to go do that. You might want go to do Fun fact, it took me like fucking four times to actually finally finish that movie i was like movie's fucking ass. And then the fourth time was The Charm, and I gave it a four.
Speaker: I mean, I mean, um you know. You know, enjoy Joe Pesci basically plays the same fucking character in all of his movies, but. I mean, that's true. But when it comes to mob movies, I like Goodfellas better than Godfather.
Speaker: I think most people think that. is that I thought that was hot. I also think that. Okay, good. Yeah. ah i But my hotter take is I like The Irishman over all those.
Speaker: I've never seen The Irishman. and Well, you're never going to watch because when you click on the runtime, it's 209 minutes. Holy! Yeah, but let me tell you what. That movie's fucking great. Okay, i love that movie. From start to finish?
Speaker: What else would it be? Well, I don't know. It could be a good movie, but then like so have a little bit of schlop. Oh, no. I mean, for me, it's the fastest almost it's the fastest three hour movie ever watched. Oh, OK. Yeah, it really is. I mean, when we talk about three hour movies, it's like the Irishman is the best one.
Speaker: or I'll say that the Irishman is the best three hour movie. I said what I fucking said. And it has to be three hours. No round up, round it down. Like actually a three hour movie. Oh, so. ah Lord the Rings doesn't count.
Speaker: Lord of Rings could count and it wouldn't even make it anyways. Emily's ass. I mean, the first one the first one's fine. i you know Next, we got ah we got Daniel Stern. ain't fucking this kid.
Speaker: This guy. Nah. He plays Marv. Ugly ass. He's cool, though. ah He ain't fucking it. Next, we got John Hurd, who plays Pierre. He ain't fucking it.
Speaker: This is Dad. And nothing else to say about him. I really don't remember him in White Chicks, I'll be honest. I don't love white chicks. Is that crazy?
Speaker: I feel like it is. I feel like you had to see when you were have to fucking love it, love it, though. You know what mean? You don't have love it. You just have to be like, yeah, it's fine. It's movie called Chud. bet it's not called Chubb.
Speaker: if I mean, if it was called Chub, I'm watching it right now. you know I'm pulling my dick out. Yeah. ah Next, we got Roberts. Who's the first name is fucking Roberts? What the fuck? With that hard S. You know what mean? like Yeah. What the fuck are we doing? Hold on. it But this guy's in some shit. Roberts Blossom.
Speaker: I'm to say right now, I don't like Close Encounters. I genuinely think that movie's boring as fuck. That's pretty hot. Yeah. say likeking Are you a big Close Encounters fan?
Speaker: I'm a big Steelberg. Steelberg? Yeah, you want to steal my Berg? Yeah. Big Steel... Can give you some ass burgers? Big Spielberg guy, so yeah.
Speaker: He was in Christine, so this guy's goaded. Yeah, Christine's great. I love Christine. ah who's steve from Escape from Alcatraz, I watched, and that movie's kind of mid, but I get why it's mid, because it literally came out in 1979. I really want to watch The Last Temptation of Christ, because I've heard Willem Dafoe is great as the man himself.
Speaker: I've seen it, and it's mid. Is it? Yeah. But mean, you know, that's from me. This is ah it's a Martin Scorsese, Jesus Christ movie. Yeah, but so he definitely Scorsese'd it. And there's no so there's no Steve.
Speaker: Only Jesus. ah But here's the thing. i like movies about Jesus because the story's cool. It's just everything else that happened that didn't happen. Dude, I'm telling you, bro. The movie... i mean, I...
Speaker: Why? For sure. Why? There's a criteria on this. I'm pretty sure. So you watch it. Why not? But I do find it boring as hell. It's fair. Personally. And I also am intrigued by seeing screen adaptations of the famous fucking, you know, stories or whatever. But, uh, yeah. Like I've never watched 10 commandments. Cause it's like so long.
Speaker: It was pretty good. I've seen it. It's not a three hour movie, but it's not better than fucking Irishman. I'll tell you that much. Fair. Uh, Next, we got Catherine O'Hara. play kate I mean, she's getting fucked, right?
Speaker: She's getting fucked for sure. i mean, honestly, she's getting fucked too now. Huh? She's getting fucked too now, like in 2025, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, basically 2026.
Speaker: Like, man, I used to watch Home Alone all the time with my grandma. Yeah. And maybe this is how I decided I liked women. You know, Catherine O'Hara. She was your sexual awakening? Probably. Probably.
Speaker: Next, we got Angela Gothals, who plays Lenny. No comment. Keep it moving. ah We got what? was born in 77. The movie came out in 90. Yeah, she should be 13.
Speaker: Fuck. Math is bad. No comment. Keep it moving. We got Devin Rattray. What a crazy name. I mean, and this guy's crazy looking. Look at his letterbox picture, bro. I think I'm pronouncing the T twice, but Kevin Rattray. Rattray. Kevin Rattray.
Speaker: That's probably it. It's not Rattray. but you can eat off my rat tray. Yeah, I mean. Sure. This guy's a freaky looking motherfucker for sure. He kind of looks like he'd be related to the main character of Human Centipede 2.
Speaker: And or Jake. Yeah. Or Jake. Yeah, Jake wouldn't... mean, this guy has way more hair than Jake. That's true. I mean, we gotta see the back of this guy's hair, but... You know. Alright, so we're not fucking that guy either. We got Gary. Gary.
Speaker: Or Jerry. It's Jerry. Jerry. It's definitely Jerry, right? He's got a nice beard. Jerry bombing. He's Uncle Frank, and he's a fucking dickhead.
Speaker: Big. yeah He's in Cocktail? Fuck that movie. Movie's fucking trash. I hate it. cocktail is but Cocktail is by far, if you want to watch movie that will just make you fucking mad, watch Cocktail. if you already don't like Tom Cruise and then want to watch movie with the stupid fucking plot, watch Cocktail.
Speaker: Fuck Cocktail. Movie's fucking trash. it it fucked up slowly speaking It's the only movie, to be honest, that has a shit rating that going into it, after I watched I was like, thank God it has a shit rating. Movie's fucking shit.
Speaker: mean, give it two. i But, I mean, I should probably drop a morgue. It pisses me off. okay Okay. I mean, I typically... This is like me getting this Mad Bat movie is typically one and a half to one star territory. Fuck this movie. It's fucking stupid.
Speaker: Heard. this guy This guy, Tom Cruise, just because he's fucking Tom Cruise, he's a bartender who thinks he's hot shit. He cheats on his girlfriend and then she takes him back at the end of the movie and they try to pull off this happily ever after thing. Like, know bro.
Speaker: Fuck you. You're a bartender. I've never seen the Mission in Impossibles, right? So great besides those, right? I think Tom Cruise only has like one one or two good movies.
Speaker: One or two. I like Rain Man. I like Top Gun and... I like Top Gun, I'll be honest with you. You don't like Top Gun? Not really. Okay. try and but if you're a Vampire?
Speaker: It was pretty good. No, it is. i know. also you Also, I really think it'd be in your best interest to check out at least two more of these movies. That would be Edge of Tomorrow, which we've already talked about several times. And Collateral is good.
Speaker: Okay. i like a whole I like A Few Good Men. Few Good Men is great. Yeah, it's good. You know? And I like A Few Good Men in my bed, so hit me up. Fuck yeah. I also liked Jack Reesher as a kid, but that was a kid.
Speaker: Yeah. And then American Made, I think is... No, I didn't give it a great rating. Never mind. All right, moving on. ah We got to Tom Cruise. Okay, who do we have next? We have Hilary Wolfe, who plays Megan. don't who the fuck she is.
Speaker: One of the kids. Okay. um We got John Candy, who plays Gus Polinsky, the legendary John Candy. Yeah, R.I.P. R.I.P. Hey, great. I mean, he was dead before we were alive, but still, R.I.P.
Speaker: Next year for a Thanksgiving movie, Planes Trained Automobiles. Next year. thousand percent. I love that movie. Yeah. I'm shocked we didn't think of it this year. Also, next year for Horror Month, Little Shop of Horrors. Yeah, it's on the list. Yeah, we got it. Yeah, you're right. not horror, but hey.
Speaker: um I'm not shouting out any of these police officers aren in the fucking movie that long. I think that's it. I mean, Kiernan Culkin was fuller. Wow, I didn't know that. His brother's in the movie with him. I thought he looked like a Culkin. Yeah.
Speaker: hey Honestly, I'm fucking Kieran and Colton. be honest with you. He's hotter. He's hot he's hotter. going He was in a movie kick on it this year or last year called A Real Pain. Good movie. I gave it a two and a half. It's a good movie. Yeah. Shout Danny Warhol who plays the pizza guy. Shout out your hole, by the way.
Speaker: Yeah, that's right. Which one? That's for you to decide. i mean, I got a few options. And shout out Ken Hudson Campbell who plays fucking Santa real bad and is on his luck. Yeah, Santa's rough. That car is wow. Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, and Quinn Culkin is girl at the airport. wonder if Quinn Culkin, she's the younger sister. So if you're to this fucking podcast, welcome. you're little You're almost fucking a year and a half late, but we welcome you.
Speaker: And we do a scene by scene of movies we cover besides the new ones. And this movie came out in 1990, so you can go fuck yourself. Also, I realized there's a a couple scenes in this where I'm like, wow, that definitely inspired another movie.
Speaker: You'll have to point them out to me. Oh, I fucking will. You fucking will. You're your fucking paint. I can only think of two, but I fucking will. You fucking paint can chode dick. i don't know. well That's upsetting. Yeah.
Speaker: I want to be a piece, but... Uh, so it's move. I mean, the beginning movie very, very chaotic. So if it's not, you know, fucking pitch perfect accurate, you can go fuck yourself. yeah I mean, it's chaotic for a reason. There's just too much going on.
Speaker: But essentially what you need to know is that this is the 1990s and there's a police officer just standing in their fucking house. The house, uh, the Macalester household yeah walks in. Yeah. He's just talking to these kids. Nobody does. Nobody says anything. He's just talking to kids. Um,
Speaker: And we meet Kevin, who is Macaulay Culkin. Also, I want to look that up really quick. How old was Macaulay Culkin when they filmed this movie? Was he actually fucking eight? Because, I mean, he was born to three. He was 10.
Speaker: That's a brutal. I mean, this is like the bar is set for child acting with Home Alone. I mean, his acting blew me away. I mean, everybody's a 10 year old. Literally everybody's acting in this movie is pretty good.
Speaker: I would agree with that. But I think he stands out. Yeah. along hims Him and Joe Pesci, but yeah it's Joe Pesci. Fucking Joe Pesci. Yeah. yeah Kevin wants to watch some kind of movie, but but his mom is talking to whoever on the phone and she's like, if Uncle Frank said you can't watch it, you can't fucking watch it, bro. She's like, that must be pretty bad.
Speaker: Yeah, and then ah her husband, Mr. McAllister, walks in, and he needs some kind of fucking jaw until we can shave in France. the little fucking They got different outlets in Europe because they're gay.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. yeah And that's what we said. They're all going to France. They're all gay. They smell bad, and they all have fucking armpit hair. What do you want from me? And they eat snails. not we move Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker: Have you tried it? Have I had snails? I have not had snails, no. You scared? um more not i am more not interested than and scared yeah oh you know what i lied i've had snails bad i just realized yeah it was i mean it was like five or six years ago but yes i had dirt i'm assuming yeah i was i was pretty fucking drunk i'll be honest that's why yeah yeah you want to try some snails yeah and then uh you know i probably made some kind of inappropriate joke about sucking a snail off
Speaker: That's probably what I said. Because they serve you the shell. comes with the little fucking shell too. That's kind of rude. You're eating this man out of his home. Yeah. Yeah. You know? mean, I'm just tonguing down his fucking everything. You suck him out of his hole? Yeah, you got to him straight out of his fucking hole, dude. Yeah. That's mean. Yeah. It's like, yo, give this man an eviction notice before. Right. I mean, I literally just give his door a rim job and then just fucking go straight in. Then I eat him. Yeah, I fucking eat him. So that's what it is.
Speaker: Um, they tell Kevin to go pack a suitcase. Um, and again, this police officer is just talking to these kids like your parents home. And the thing is that the McAllister is the dad's brother is in town. So he's there with his kids. So just a lot of kids and not enough adults.
Speaker: And then that one girl's like, yeah, my parents are home, but I don't live here. laha So who are you? Who are you related to? She's the brother's kid. She's the cousin.
Speaker: My parents are here, but I don't live here. you She's at the brother's house. Yeah. I thought she said, yeah, my parents are home, but I don't live here. Yeah, they home like they in the house, but they don't. Oh, they don't leave a home. they and they They home. Yeah. What do they do, by the way? What do these parents do? Because this house is fucking insane.
Speaker: Well, that too. Yeah. What's that about? It's a basement full of mannequins. I have no idea they do, but I want that job. So, uh, Kev is asking his, his siblings, Jeff and Lenny, how to pack a suitcase. Cause he doesn't know how, cause he's 10.
Speaker: Um, and they don't want to help him. And, uh, he's eight but in the movie he's eight.
Speaker: Right. But you said, cause he's 10.
Speaker: I said it backwards. Okay. That's what I meant. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: So anyways, he's fucking pissed they won't help him. And then they, he says he's going to live alone all by himself when he's an adult. And then we cut these two kids. This is Buzz and his cousin or whatever. They're talking about French girls have bush, which I would say yes.
Speaker: For sure, right? I'm not an expert, but I would say probably have serious bush. Uh-huh. Do you want to twirl your baguette in my bush? And it probably smells like fucking brie cheese and BO.
Speaker: You know? So if I had any input, if had any guess. Yeah. I'll still slurp it up, you know? I don't fuck with Brie, no. My mom's a big Brie fan. Soft cheeses kind of creep me out, but I like goat.
Speaker: Goat? We like the gocha cheese. ah
Speaker: So, Kev walks in and talks to Buzz, and he asks if he can share a bed with Buzz, because he has to share a bed with somebody else who wets the bed. I forgot his name. Fuller. Yeah, he wets the bed, so he's out on that. And Buzz is like, I wouldn't share ah bed with you if you were growing on my ass.
Speaker: Do want to grow my ass? I mean, I want to plant my seed on your ass. So then multiple me's will grow. i don't even need you to grow my, on my ass. I need you to mow the ass here off my ass.
Speaker: Spend over babe. At this point, there's so much hair. It's a mo job. You know what mean? Oh, well the lawnmower is back, right? Back in the business. So the lawnmower is back because the outlet still doesn't work, but it's back. Yeah. oh i call someone instead of that Yeah, you're right.
Speaker: uh, this is where we're introduced to old man Marley. And I'll be honest, they introduced him and I forgot his name, like three quarters in. So the the he's probably just old man for the most of the scene by scene. I mean, I've seen this movie literally since I was born and I never knew his name was Marley.
Speaker: It's Marley. And me. And me. I cry watching that movie when i was 13. He's the South Bend Shovel Slayer. This is Buzz just talking out of his ass. And they say that he kills all family in the whole block in 58. You know, back in 58. Back in 58.
Speaker: That's a long time back then. Yeah, you know, and there's no evidence or anything. And Buzz is like, oh, yeah, he hides all his victims in the salt, which that checks out. You could probably hide people in salt. They'd be all right.
Speaker: Preserve them. but Yeah, but he's like, they they turn them into mummies. Yeah. um King Tut having asses, you know. Yeah. And then he looks up and they get spotted so they close the curtains.
Speaker: Uh... And then this delivery driver shows up. Little Nero's Pizza. Shout out Nero. Shout out ah Caligula. Shout out Brother Nero, Jeff Hardy.
Speaker: Shout out Jeff Hardy and shout out getting fucked in the ass. Sure. of ah Also, this Caligula. It's a running gag that everybody knocks over this lawn jockey. Is that what you call it? A lawn jockey?
Speaker: Yeah. Jorky. Why say like that? i don't know. long and draw jaky this Lawn Jorky. Lawn Jorky. But fun fact, my dad was searching for one for like years and years. He wanted one so bad.
Speaker: So he finally found it and that shit was like $500. Because of the movie or what? No, because they're rare now because basically they were they were all black. It was like some racist propaganda shit. They were all little black kids with big lips holding a lantern. You know, that racism got canceled. So they had to like change them all to white. But now the white ones are rare, but he wanted a white one.
Speaker: but we got one. so there's a lawn jockey in my yard, but those are heavy. What color is a lawn jockey? you have in your yard now? Oh, his skin's white. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. you know it's Um, I shouldn't name him.
Speaker: Name him Nero right there. That's what's up. Yeah. I'm going to tell dad. Um, So, anyways, police officers still trying to talk to these fucking kids, but where they going?
Speaker: And he opens the door for the pizza guy, and the uncle comes down to take the pizza. He ain't paying for it because it's not his fucking house. It's $122.50. He bought 10 pies out of them. Checks out.
Speaker: That's like crazy cheap. Now. For $19.90 pizza. That's probably a lot. Yeah. ah Mr. McAllister comes down. He meets this cop.
Speaker: And the cop is like, are you guys taking proper precautions? there's a lot of burglaries in you know this time of year. And he's like, yeah. And then he goes with Buzz go with the pizza. ah And Kevin walks in asking about some plain pizza. And Buzz says he ate it it all. and if he wants some, he's going to fucking baby bird it. You know what I mean? Just fucking hawk two of that shit around on a paper plate.
Speaker: Like baby birding my own brother, you know? Oh, yeah. It's just a fucking category on Pornhub. Watch me best baby feet. What the fuck? of Baby bird my step, bro. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if that exists. But this time it's calm, not food. Oh, that for sure exists. swallowed stepbrose seed and baby birded back to him. That definitely exists. Yeah. um So buzz frank throat Buzz Frank, he fake throws up pizza. ah And why does it say this? Buzz fakes face fucks Macaulay Culkin. Yeah. That's what I wanted to say.
Speaker: He's like trying to throw up his food as like a joke and they get in a fight and they knock over some Pepsi. Big Pepsi sponsorship. and We are Pepsi boys over here. We are Pepsi boys for sure. Fuck you. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. um And it knocks over there. the The Pepsi spills over their passports. And then Uncle Frank says, ah look what you did, you little jerk. You little jerk. Yeah. You little jerk. jerk Gherkin.
Speaker: Yeah. So it's a PG movie. Yeah, I'm colleague Gherkin. That's pretty good. Yeah. Some of the dialogue kind of cringe, but I get it for kids. would agree. Kind of. Everyone gives Kevin the evil eye because he's the fucking troublemaker. And his mom's like, that's it. And she fucking grabs him. And he says that everyone treats him like scum.
Speaker: ah And then ah the mother this fucking Mrs. McAllister, this fucking lady i want to give my goods to, she a she gives the pizza guy tip. Yeah, she does.
Speaker: um And then she tells the police officer start to fucking – Tells the police officer to watch what he fucking stroked. um Yeah, she tells him everything. that yeah, we're going to France, blah, blah, blah. So now he has all the information he fucking needs.
Speaker: um and the mom sends Kevin up to the third floor, and he doesn't want to sleep up there with Fuller because he wets the bed, as we already said. He's like, he's going to pee on me. Some people are into that, Kevin.
Speaker: don't Kevin, some people like that. yeah Including me, I flick my shit to get peed on. Yeah. I mean, I'm not opposed. It's not the worst thing that could happen. I'm not into it, but if like someone else was into it, like, yeah, you to get peed on? Like, I'm not, a like, it's fine, just pee.
Speaker: I don't know if i'd be okay with my peeing on me. i don't know i feel about that. It's kind out of gross. Not my mouth. you Yeah. It's anywhere above the chin is kind of like off limits. My bod. You like pee into my asshole?
Speaker: I don't know about that one. Yeah. don't know. That's got to come out, right? That's exit only. Yeah. I mean, you're just peeing like piss in your butt. That's crazy. Piss coming out my ass. Yeah.
Speaker: South Park. Uh... So, you know, this fucking kid, Kevin, he tries to apologize and it's too late. And he's like, he says that ah everyone hates him and that he wishes a new family. And the mom was like, maybe you should get a new family.
Speaker: And he says he doesn't need a family. And she's like, you know, if you woke up the next day and didn't have a family, you'd be very upset. And he's like, nah, I wouldn't. so I don't need you fucking jerks. Nah, try me.
Speaker: And she's like, say that again. He's like, all right. And he says it again. ah And then he goes upstairs and he's laying this little bed and he's like, yeah, fuck my family. Also, he's mad that he has to go sleep upstairs. This shit's like fully finished. This is nice up here. Yeah. ah So he goes to bed and there's a storm overnight and it they lose power.
Speaker: And the next morning, obviously they to get up to go catch their flight and they sleep in and there's an airport service waiting there for them. And the mom realizes they slept in. They all to rush out of the house.
Speaker: This little fucking autistic kid, Mitch, walks over, you know, and he's just asking way too many questions. He's the neighbor. How many PSIs in the tire? he actually ask that? No, but just like, but like to that level of like dumb fucking questions, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh...
Speaker: How many cylinders is your van? It's just dumb. Just dumb fucking questions. and the guy yeah It's like trying to chaperone the family to the airport. Like, dude, get the fuck out of here, kid. I want to talk to you. These people are already late. I got to pick up their shit. We're gonna be late to the airport.
Speaker: Sir, do you have a mushroom tip or not? Are you... so Son, are you cut? Are you cut?
Speaker: Uh... My daddy says I'm not. Well, it's okay. I got a nice little scalpel in my van. Yeah. not Can you teach me how to charm your snake?
Speaker: Can you teach me how to dog eat? What is a dog eat? ah What is this thing I saw on the TV? The Macarena? Oh, I think that came out in the ninety s no i If you think I know, I'm just trying to riff.
Speaker: I have no idea. Can you teach me how to hit the wall? ah What is six seven i don't I don't even know, sir. don't know what 6'7 Yeah, so he's asking too many questions about this guy's fucking car and turning the wheel or whatever. the He's definitely autistic. i mean, we just be honest? I mean, he basically hops on this dude's lap and he's just sitting in the van.
Speaker: What's that fucking pole you have in your pants? Do you like trains? Yeah. ah And then, so all these, the kids come out of the house and they all line up in front of this van to do a head count and they ask the sister, which I don't know who she was in the cast list, but if you're of age, I'd fucking pipe you down big. She's of age now.
Speaker: yeah um Yeah, but I'm, I don't know what she looks like now. So, yeah, I mean, like, are you in good condition? you're in good shape? Yeah. Does your pussy look like a fucking 9-11 or what?
Speaker: That shit looked like I walked right out of Arby's. Yeah. Like, what the fuck is going on? ah And, you know, Mitch is sitting there looking at a camera and he's like playing with his camera or whatever. And he sees an inappropriate picture or something. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
Speaker: Uh... And she counts Mitch as Kev because Mitch isn't facing the right way. juicy the back his fucking head yeah He's He's ass out with the camera.
Speaker: Right. ah They got 45 minutes to make their flight. And on their way, the service worker tells the the fucking mom or the power's back, but the phone will take a few days to come back.
Speaker: And the family leaves. And the sister confirms in the van that she counted 11 kids. Uh, and then they rush to the plane and they actually make their flight with 45 minutes to spare because, ah it's pre nine 11 guys. It's way easier getting a flight.
Speaker: You know, you know, when I was watching it, I was like, was like, well, this isn't real. Yeah. There's, there has been a massive terrorist attack. Right. So we see Kevin, he wakes up. Uh, I really takes a shit, but he probably doesn't take a shit. Who knows? Whatever he does in there.
Speaker: Goes to the kitchen, turns on the TV and he calls for his mom. Uh, we cut back to his family. there So the family split. The parents are in first class. The kids are in the back.
Speaker: What happened, bro? Uh, I've never flown first class. Is it worth it? I haven't either. I couldn't tell you. Yeah. Uh,
Speaker: Frank wants to steal Uncle Frank. He wants to steal some kind of fucking silver. He's like, it's real silver. thought I think it was like salt and pepper shakers. Yeah. ah And then we cut back to Kev who's through the whole house for his family who who are not there. And he sees this furnace and in his the imagination it's a very big scary furnace.
Speaker: So he runs back upstairs and he goes outside and sees two cars still parked in the garage. He's like, well, they couldn't have left the cars are still here. They fucking did. Yeah. It's called a shuttle. Uh, and he thinks that his wish made his family disappear, and at first he's sad about it, but then he's like, fuck yeah. I made my family disappear. ah so you know, he does what a kid probably fucking do. He jumps in the bed, he runs around, he goes into Buzz's room and he finds a, uh, a Playboy magazine but thinks it's gross because he's ten. Yeah.
Speaker: He's eight. Right. Uh, He takes some firecrackers. and Then he sees Buzz's girlfriend who's some fucking fat bitch. He's like, woof. Yeah.
Speaker: ah And then he takes say ah a gun. It's like an airsoft gun, I imagine, right? It's not a real gun. not It's like a bbe BB gun. Yeah, I want to shoot my pee-pee. Yeah, gun that shit in your mouth. Yeah, my pee-pee gun.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. And he shoots some some figures with his gun, these little fucking sports jawns. So I think there was yay Larry Bird for sure. Okay. He was in green and he was white and he had a basketball. Yeah. And the other guy was black wearing ah dark blue and orange, so I'm pretty sure it was Walter Payton.
Speaker: Shout out to Walter Payton. Yeah. Yeah. ah he's sitting there eating ice cream and decides to watch this movie called Angels with Filthy Souls. I thought those were going to porn. It sounds like it, right? like they They're going to have this kid watching porn in this fucking PG movie?
Speaker: It's like a very famous thing. like People thought this movie was real. Yeah. But it was just filmed for the movie. Oh, that's interesting. um And it's basically this mob type movie with this guy, Snakes.
Speaker: ah you know And Snakes is looking for the stuff. He's got the stuff and he wants some fucking money. ah And then we see Kevin sitting there. yeah And he's like, oh I'm watching bad bad. I'm rotting my brain.
Speaker: Come stop me. I got brain rot, mom. Mom, I'm stuck in the... yeah
Speaker: Mom, I'm stuck in the sink while Tra-La-La is fucking piping me down and fucking... Buzz, I'm stuck in the washer.
Speaker: ah So, anyways. You know, he... This guy who's like trying to get the money, the guy he's talking to, forgot his name's Donnie or something like that, or Johnny, something like that. Some Italian bullshit. Yeah, some fucking Guido. He just fucking shoots him up, and it scares Kevin, who yells for his mom.
Speaker: We cut back the plane. The mom has a terrible feeling they forgot something or they do everything. And the dad's like, no, we did. And she's like, well, did you close the garage? He's like, no, I didn't. He's like, oh, fuck. That's what it was.
Speaker: We did everything. No, we did. The garage, I didn't close it. But we did everything. Everything. And then she realizes she forgot Kevin. Which is kind of like, Kevin!
Speaker: How are the kids in the back of the plane being like, oh, Kevin's not here? That's valid, right? it Where's Kevin at? They probably don't care about him. Yeah, but Buzz is like, I need to fart in somebody's face. like Where's Kevin? know mean? He's like, fucking stick his head in my ass.
Speaker: Not in his ass. Not in a sexual way, like in a bullying way. like Come on, Fuller. You're sharing a bed with this boy. Yeah, you didn't pee on him? Yeah. Where's my pee... My pee partner? Yeah. Where's my portable pee pot? You know what Instead of a of a pen I got a pee pal.
Speaker: but but but
Speaker: You guys just sit and piss back and forth. You see this kid stand up and start pissing at this other kid's mirror on a plane. They're just sitting on a plane and Fuller taps him on his shoulder and goes, it's time.
Speaker: And then like he's got his mouth open and he like pulls out his ear for him to swallow like he's flushing. Yeah.
Speaker: yeah Yeah. My portable piss pot.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You full, you dirty fuck. You peed on Macaulay Culkin like that, bro. That's why Macaulay Culkin's so fucked up. Yeah. Wait, Fuller's his brother, wasn't it?
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah, it's his piss pot. just but Yeah. So, anyways. With the Culkin cuck, you know what mean? Yeah. um We cut back to Kevin, who goes sliding down the stairs, very reminiscent of Cat in the Hat.
Speaker: That's what I was going to say. Yeah, it was. ah Right at the front door, and then we cut back to playing. The mom is like horrified that she forgot Kevin. We cut back to the fake cop. I'll stop calling fake cop. Now, this is Harry.
Speaker: And he's with Marv and it's auto-corrected almost every single time to Mark. So fuck you, Mark. Fuck you, Mark. ah And he's Harry is he's very impressed that he knows when all the lights turn on automatic lights.
Speaker: ah And the house that he's after, the silver tuna, he calls it, is ah is Kevin's house, the McAllister house. Um, and then, uh, we caught, and I wrote, uh, Kevin's watching the OG Grinch respect, but then he's passed out. So I was like, fucking bitch.
Speaker: yeah You're watching an OG movie, bro. Uh, and this is when Harry and Mark pull up like, yo, what's up, Kev? No, they're not. No, not yet. Uh, Kevin sees Harry and Mark trying to break into the back door.
Speaker: So he turns on the lights on, which scares off Harry and Mark because they thought that, uh, thought no one was home. Joe Pesci, skeptics, skeptics, skeptical and he's a skinhead it but eventually not even i mean but his hair is buzzed i mean it is nothing it is big buzz yeah i mean my pubes are longer than that yeah for sure uh the family lands in france and frantically run to a phone they kick this fucking little french bitch off the phone fuck her you know she's like know shequa and they're like the fuck out of here
Speaker: I mean, the French language, like the accent and everything kind of gets me rock hard. Yeah, if you're a French woman and want to just talk in French to us on the voicemail, do it. detail We'll just fucking stroke it while you're talking to us. Suck my baggy. Please.
Speaker: ah She sends her husband and try to find him a new flight. And then she has like all the kids call these fucking people and the aunt. And then Kevin convinces himself that he has to be the man the house and he goes outside and he says he's not afraid anymore when Marley, the shovel guy,
Speaker: yeah Yeah. He comes up and Kevin runs inside in fear. And we cut back to the mom who's calling the police department. And again, I've been on the record about this. Something in the 80s and 90s. They just like the clown on the police department being fucking idiots.
Speaker: You know, I mean, what is this? All the movies, they just like to do this. And this fucking lady Rose picked up the phone and the mom tells her her issue. And she's like, me forward you to family crisis. And he's not fucking helpful at all.
Speaker: And he sends her back to Rose. And she's eventually like, you know, I'll send a cop over, right? Fucking get off my cock. Get off my twat. Yeah. um Respectfully. Yeah.
Speaker: She's like, my fucking son needs his piss pot. He's in the States.
Speaker: I got his French piss pot over here. Yeah. My son don't like these French piss pots. He's the American one. Yeah. Johnson and Johnson piss pot. You know what I mean? I'm going to make a piss pot complete with Lysol. You Lysol, you dirty bitch?
Speaker: Lysol American? It's got to be, right? Dude, it's Johnson & Johnson. It's the same thing. It's a beautiful product. Of course it's American. Johnson & Johnson is owned by Lysol. Oh, nice. Yeah. Nice.
Speaker: And I have Johnson & Johnson inside of me. Shout to the vaccine, I guess. Oh, that's right. Um...
Speaker: We cut back to Kevin who hears him knocking at the front door and he thinks it's these fucking intruders, but it's a police officer. The real cop. He obviously doesn't answer the door so that we see the officer radio back that no one's in the house and the house is secure. What the fuck do you know if the house secure? Fuck you. I don't even remember. Did he try the doorknob?
Speaker: I think he knocked. He didn't fucking look that hard. No. like go around He was at fucking cop and die hard. Yeah. Like Kevin wanted to throw a fucking mannequin on top of his car from the realize there was something going on. Right. You know I mean?
Speaker: Uh, we cut back to the dad and he's, uh, he's being told everything's booked at least until Friday. And the mom was like, look, I'm not fucking leaving this airport till I get in the flight where you guys can go enjoy your fucking French trip or whatever and fucking suck some baguettes. But I'm staying here with Kevin's piss pot.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He's going to have to pee when I get there. Kevin has been home alone at some point for 60 hours. He's he held his bladder for 60 hours. He needs his piss pot.
Speaker: Kevin doesn't have a pot to pee in. He's so poor. yeah I think that's complete opposite. this This house probably got like eight bathrooms for sure. ah So we cut back to Kevin and he's fully showered and he says in this scene, I didn't say this, all his crevices are clean.
Speaker: This kind of reminded me of American Psycho. yeah a little bit. ah But, you know, he cleaned all his crevices and he puts some deodorant on and he puts on aftershave, which is like a running bit in this movie.
Speaker: I've never used that. I think that's like a fucking geezer thing to do. When I first started shaving, I did, and I was like, nah, I'm good. What's for? I think it's supposed to help your skin recover from being, from the shave.
Speaker: um From being wrought out? I think, I think, i think shaving fucks up your skin. That's fair. Here, else what does aftershave So me using Gillette with aloe like shaving cream is just a fucking scam? Aftershave is a skincare product that disinfects, soothes, and protects skin after shaving by closing pores and healing tiny cuts. It helps reduce irritation, razor burn, and ingrown hairs.
Speaker: I need to use this shit on my fucking ball sack. I get ingrown hairs on nuts. That's crazy, bro. This shit sucks. We cut back to, uh, yeah, he's fully shaven and cleaned his crevices. Yeah.
Speaker: I didn't to say like that. I didn't mean say like that. Sorry. Sorry. That was an accident. I, yeah, he, his crevices are clean and he's shaven and he's as after shave on, he probably smells good.
Speaker: Um, ready to go get some biddies. Yeah. You know, he's going to, yeah. So he tries to climb to this top shelf of, uh, and it collapses, but he finds buzzes life savings and he goes, tarantula escapes.
Speaker: That's, uh, yeah, that's the thing. The tarantula escapes. Yeah. Spiders. don't know about you. I'm indifferent about him. I don't really care. ah He goes to the back door and he sees the Murphy's van outside. It's not their van, spoiler alert. And he's like, I thought they were on vacation because Mitch and his dumb autistic family were supposed to be in Florida.
Speaker: Hey, do you know we're going to Florida? oh Hey, Kevin, can I use your piss pot?
Speaker: um I like the way he gargles. It's fun to pull it, but you're able to flush it. um And I keep pushing and pulling and pushing and pulling and he keeps telling me to stop, but no, you're my piss pot.
Speaker: But when I pull on his when i pull on his right earlobe, he swallows my piss, and when I pull on his left one, he sucks my cock.
Speaker: Have you ever tried the left earlobe pull feature? who gets sucked off. I'm going to get a feature. You got to upgrade to the newest model.
Speaker: Yeah. If you pinch his nose, it'll make him open his mouth. Yeah. Autoblow, it's 1990.
Speaker: Introducing the piss pot. My piss pot has face ID.
Speaker: My piss pot has head ID. Yeah, I have my fucking penis head right there. You see the tip, you're like, ah Yeah.
Speaker: Set up face ID now. Yeah. Maybe he has to stick his finger in his ass and make his mouth open. He's like, oh! yeah yeah Yeah.
Speaker: I got the key to my piss pot on me at all times. At all times. My unique finger ID. Alright, piss pot. So...
Speaker: huh
Speaker: We cut inside the Murphys, and these fucking tizzies are getting robbed big ah by Mark and Harry. And they overhear a voicemail from... Yeah, just every single one. Fuck you, Mark, from Marv.
Speaker: And it's from Peter McAllister, the dad, saying that they're in Paris, but they call him back. And they don't put it. They're like, oh Maybe they left. Something's going on. It's like, oh, he's in Paris. Not that, ah you know, something could be on in the house.
Speaker: Marv's like, they're gone. And Harry's like, I knew they were. Harry's like, let me get my wand. Let me get my cloak of invisibility. Allow her Mora, that lock open on sight. Oh.
Speaker: Right. in it We cut to Kevin, and he's buying a toothbrush because he couldn't find his, and he asked if it's the approved by the associate what is it the American Dental Association, I think. yeah shut the fuck up. Yeah, and the cashier has to call somebody else over to ask, and this shovel guy walks up with a bloody hand and scares the shit out of Kevin, and he runs off with his toothbrush.
Speaker: He's fucking stealing a toothbrush. What a toothbrush cost in 1990, probably like 20 cents. That's the craziest part. These fucking loony bins are calling the police on a fucking eight-year-old. Ugh. Yeah. And like a toothbrush. He's just trying to keep good dental hygiene. Yeah. i mean, it's not like he's fucking stealing a piss pot. He's stealing a fucking toothbrush. Well, the piss pot's got to be special ordered nowadays. Yeah. Can you imagine like order he's just dragging a kid?
Speaker: What is he? That's my personal piss pot. Punk. my My triple P, my personal piss pot. My PPP. so Yeah, Triple P. That's my favorite wrestler.
Speaker: Yeah, I need to see your... you The officer gets him. He's like, i need to see you and your piss pot's ID, please. Give him your serial number. Yeah. And he's like, but officer, this is my piss pot. He goes, I need some fucking registration for that.
Speaker: that right? You got the proper licensing for your piss pot?
Speaker: That's fucking crazy.
Speaker: You got one or not? Non-piss pot registration is $50 fine. And he's like, but sir, if you fucking take my piss pot, he's going pee in the bed. going to get pissed all over me. Tough.
Speaker: My sheets are soaked. ah Bring them out and use it as mouthwash. There you go. um Fuck toothbrush. So he runs off the toothbrush. This officer tries to chase him and loses him in a ice rink.
Speaker: And we cut to Marv and his ah his signature move is flooding. So he floods the Murphy's house, leaves the water running. And he calls him and Harry the the wet bandits. They're wet and they're bandits.
Speaker: And Harry's like, don't like that, bruv. I don't like, bruv. Why do you fucking do that, you cunt? I don't like that, innit? Yeah. And Harry says, ah he's like, you know what? You're sick.
Speaker: He's like, you're fucking mentally ill. yeah And while they're arguing, they almost run over Kevin, who notices ah Harry's gold tooth. Me fucking gold tooth. Yeah. I've seen that.
Speaker: I had to pour me watch for a fucking tooth. I didn't have one. Because Brit and my fucking teeth are dirty. seen that tooth on my paint hole.
Speaker: I saw this man's gold tooth and I thought, gee, my piss pot doesn't have gold. Mommy. Golly. I'd love to have some gold in my piss pot.
Speaker: I want my piss pot's handle to be painted gold. He's like that fucking twat from Willy Wonka. I want a golden piss pot. I need it now.
Speaker: ah But don't big clout you pee in Joe Pesci's mouth. I'm just so down. Right? he still alive? yeah Yeah, he's alive. ah So anyways, this was super fucking spooky. They follow him. That's scary as hell for eight-year-old. And they turned around. They're just fucking whistling. Look at it like the center console. He's a fucking, you know. I mean, it's just as fuck.
Speaker: And then he goes and hides behind this nativity scene by the church. And Mark and Harry, Marv, not Mark. Fuck you, Mark. ah They ain't going in there. my God. Yeah, Kev is a disguised in the nativity and now he knows they're fucking coming for his ass. Not like that.
Speaker: um And we cut back to Harry and Kev. they They pull up to his fucking house and it looks like from the outside the house full of people and they're all confused.
Speaker: ah But Kevin... co Right, he's using mannequins as puppets. Mannequins and a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. Is that bloody Michael Jordan?
Speaker: ah 1990, Michael Jordan. He wasn't the star he was. Yet. Yet. yeah He still to beef up a little bit. 98, Jordan's my fave. How about you, Marv?
Speaker: If I'm Marv, I don't know.
Speaker: know. What's the team with all whites? What's the team with all the whites?
Speaker: White I can relate to That's how I prefer my piss pots. White. White so when I piss on them they can stain yellow. Because something irks me about pissing on a black man.
Speaker: Seems derogatory. okay i don't want to break any laws. Right. Uh... It would be funny at one point in this movie. He's just like, you know like the lost dog signs they used to hang in the neighborhood, just hanging up lost piss pot. Have you seen my piss pot?
Speaker: Someone punched my piss pot perpendicular. but Now my cock's inside me. So anyways, we, uh, now it says Mary. Mary and Harry. It's Marv.
Speaker: ah Marvin Harry leave. We cut back to Paris where the this family's watching some French TV. They don't understand. like yeah Uncle Frank brings in some fucking scrimp cocktail. um And the dad is trying to call the States, but he doesn't have any luck.
Speaker: Buzz isn't very worried. He says that Kevin keeps a couple days in the real world, but as Kevin's sister, or whatever the fuck this is, feels bad. Sister. We cut, and the pizza guy shows up again, knocks over the same, what do you call this, a lawn dart? What's it called? What?
Speaker: um Lawn jockey. Because they they look like the motherfuckers that used to ride the horses. Right. Hello, you're now in an ad read. Yeah, fuck you, yeah. that we're We're, Gerald's sick of regurgitating the same lines at the beginning and the end of the episode. So here we are in the middle.
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Speaker: And then go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it? Available on the same page. Do you fucking want it or not? And before we end this ad read, shout out to Jackson Behavioral Health. All this will be linked in the description below.
Speaker: Click it and stick it. And now back to the episode. Uh, so then there's a note that says bring the pizza to the back door. So this guy brings a pizza to the back door and Kevin uses a clip from that movie to pay for the pizza.
Speaker: And there's like this comical, uh, he's going to get shot. Doesn't fuck off. And then he plays the gunshots from the TV and the guy delivery driver thinks it's real gunshots. Uh, and we cut to this, uh, we cut back to the mom and she's literally trying to give all her show and his old lady to get on board this flight.
Speaker: Which, in the moment, you think, it's just to go back to Chicago, right? And it's not. It's just to go to somewhere else. It's just a connecting flight to some fucking Ram spot. Is that a real Rolex? Maybe. do you think it is?
Speaker: you want it to be? Yeah. um Do you want my son to not have his piss part on Christmas? Oh, Hank, come on. Yeah.
Speaker: ah And the lady was about to do it and the husband's like, nah, fuck you. She's like, come on, Ed. I'll fucking gum you down an airplane. He's like, all alright. Yeah, okay, bet. And we cut to back to Kevin watching TV looking at his... What?
Speaker: What? I wrote... i wrote... or al cro Cut to Kevin watching TV looking at a family hot pot.
Speaker: They're all just pissing in a pot. Yeah. It's a family portrait. Oh. And then he kisses his piss pot, right? Right. Kisses his piss pot. I wish you'd come back, piss pot.
Speaker: He sings like a really sad song about how he misses it. Right. ah Where are you, piss pot?
Speaker: Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking. Uh, and then we see him, uh, get ready and go to the grocery store and the cashier, the grocery store is a very suspect of him, but he buys some little army guys that I wrote down that, uh, I don't think he are used like as any, any traps later on. Right.
Speaker: Um, he's like, they're for the kids. And she's like, are you alone? And he's like, no. And she's like, where's your mom? He's like, she's outside. So where's day? Like at work. Well, how old are you? He's like, I'm fucking eight lady.
Speaker: Eight. ah I'm eight years old and when I grow up I want to be Ski Mask the slump god. Hell yeah. ah How much do I do?
Speaker: Eight.
Speaker: He goes home and washes and put some of his clothes and the furnace doesn't scare him anymore. We caught Harry and Marv who are still confused because the house looks empty and he sends Marv in to investigate and Kev sees Marv's But come through the doggy door, which they don't have a dog.
Speaker: why do you have a doggy door? You're letting out a draft, you little fuck. Yeah, call glory hole. big hole. Yeah. You know we don't discriminate on size. That's true. um So to scare him off, he turns on the TV to play that part of that movie and then lights off the firecrackers he saved from Buzz's room to scare off Marv.
Speaker: And Marv runs back the car and tells Harry that someone got shot named Snakes. Snakes. and Snipe. And Harry's like, why we wait and see who it is?
Speaker: It has to be dad yeah It's definitely dad. It's my dad did that. My dad is in the house. And it's like, your fucking dad isn't coming, bro. Yeah.
Speaker: ah Son, your dad died. No! He's there! My father casted the Patronus. Wait. Marv, I just realized I casted the Patronus.
Speaker: but Marv, it was the fucking TV! so Wow! He's like, Harry, there's a kid in there! piss No piss pot!
Speaker: like qui know We fucking got this as a kill with no piss part. and once you go He's probably losing his damn mind, bro. Yeah, you guys pee so bad, bro. So anyways, we cut to Ma.
Speaker: ma And she's trying to get this fucking flight. And it's Christmas Eve. There's no fucking flights for her, girl. And she's been up for 60 hours and she's dirty and tired. Hell yeah. how I fucking like it. You know I mean? Catherine O'Hara. Oh, fuck. can't find it.
Speaker: Oh, Martha. Oh, Martha. Oh, my button's not here. I'm sorry. Oh, dang. Oh, Martha, give me your fucking goods, please. oh ah So, anyways... I'll let you lick the outside rim of my piss pot.
Speaker: If you really want Merry Christmas, rim my piss pot. It's diabolical. ah So there's this guy who's there. This is Gus Polinski.
Speaker: don cany he's you know he does polka, and she's not familiar And he's real big in Sheboygan, which wherever that is. Where the fuck is that? Yeah, right? And he offers, he said, we're going to Milwaukee, so I can stop in Chicago and drop you off there, you know?
Speaker: And he's like, you know, do you have a fucking Glock? Because we're going through fucking Chicago. It's fucking crazy over there. Yeah. yeah Yeah. We cut back to Harry and Mauve, and they're staking out the home, and they're asleep, and they see cut Kev come out and start cutting down a tree.
Speaker: Yo, Kev, just come out the crib. Yo, Kev, where's your piss pot? ah I ain't got one. ain't got pot to piss Kev.
Speaker: They don't sell it anymore. okay um And a $4 general. I don't know not why they turned like a hick.
Speaker: Yeah. ah So Harry cuts his tree down and he's decorating and where he sees ah sees a reflection of Harry peeking in through the ornament. And he tries to fake call for his dad. But obviously his dad ain't fucking coming. He's there by himself.
Speaker: Dad, my piss pot. you go get the tartar sauce again, dad. Dad, come back, please.
Speaker: Uh, it's cold.
Speaker: Yeah. So, uh, Harry wants to go back tonight and, uh, he, Kevin, here's all this. And, uh, you know, this house is all that Harry's ever wanted.
Speaker: So he says they're to back at nine, and we talk to the mom in the in this big bus with this polka group. They're playing some Christmas tunes. um And she watches them, and she's like, fuck, my son's piss pot. I've forgotten my son's piss pot.
Speaker: Gus, the fuck is your name, god you polka fuck? Turn this thing around. Gus, how long does it take you to find your penis? How much fat do you dig through?
Speaker: Do your arms get tired from holding up your gut? Is it even a gut? You want me to give you a little wank in the poker van? want me to give you a little polker poker poker?
Speaker: Finger up your arse? I'll record my vocals. yeah Um... um So we cut to Kevin. He goes and sees so random. Is there random fucking shop that's for Santa Claus?
Speaker: Yeah, I don't know what this is about. And there's this elf closing up shop and she can get rinsed the fuck out. Absolutely. And he's like, yo, shoes, though. He's like, yo, where's Santa? I really need a piss pot. Bad. know what I want for Christmas. Fucking a piss pot, please.
Speaker: ah And he Santa is ah having a cigarette by his fucking piece of shit Honda. And he got a ticket. And he says that he knows, Kevin says that he knows that this Santa is not the real Santa, but he knows that he works for the real Santa, which isn't true.
Speaker: And he's like, I need you to relay an important message. All I want for Christmas is my piss pot. Not my front teeth, my piss pot. My piss pot. He doesn't have to have both ears. I'll take just the flush.
Speaker: yeah Forget the auto-roll feature. I know that's 30 years ahead of our time. The cock sucking is optional in my house. Right. saa Santa, I'm really only asking for the necessities.
Speaker: a port in santa Santa, I need to piss so bad if I was put in the walls of Jericho, I would explode. Uh...
Speaker: Santa, I realize that I bit a little shit, but I really have to pee. My dick has stage fright. they but I get that in like when I'm actually peeing at a urinal. Yeah, me too. Especially if a lot of people in there. i don't like that.
Speaker: I don't like that. I don't fucking like that. don't fucking like that. ah So anyways, he wants his he wants his fucking family back. No gifts, no piss pots, just his family. Yeah. Which I guess his family includes his piss pot, but whatever. Yeah.
Speaker: And he's like, this is my address and I need so-and-so, so-and-so, and so-and-so and my piss pot. um and it thats like ah Sure, man. Here's some tic-tacs your stank-ass breath.
Speaker: um yeah Yeah. What the fuck? yeah Make sure piss pot's sucking your cock. You're not sucking his cock. Don't take fucking food from strangers. you Don't take dicks from strangers.
Speaker: Definitely don't do that, Kevin. Kevin, don't think dick from Santa. You can't think any fucking dick from strangers. No matter how holly and jolly they seem, can't think of cock.
Speaker: No matter how but how big a they say, they don't have a dick tack. Yeah. ah So he's all sad. He sees a family together, and then he goes into the church, and he sees the fucking shovel guy.
Speaker: Bill Nye the shovel guy.
Speaker: yeah He pulls up on him. He's like, I'm not a priest. Don't worry. He's like, hey, little boy. It's a place for you. i'm not going to lie. As much as I hate Christianity, the architecture is beautiful in churches.
Speaker: It's gorgeous. Yeah. It's some Italian shit. Fuck them, though. Big. Pasta. Pussy. Pussy. I don't know. Yeah.
Speaker: um And he walks over and asks he can sit down next to him. And he's like, sure. he's like, Santa just told me not to take strange dick from strangers. Sir, I will not be taking your cock, sir. I'm your neighbor.
Speaker: Hello, neighbor. Hello.
Speaker: you know, what they're saying about me is not true. So anyways, you know, he, look, he's like, I'm just here to see her. All right. Yeah. Yeah. don't get Those charges were dropped. ah Uh,
Speaker: and, uh, yes. Uh, yes. Fucking Kevin, if he's been a good boy or not. if Kevin doesn't think so. Kevin says he's been a real pain in the ass the past couple of years.
Speaker: So Molly says the real reason why he's here to see his granddaughter. Again, the charges were dropped. The real reason why he's here to see his granddaughter is because he can't see his son anymore because they got in an argument and decided they were better off not talking each other anymore. He got into argument then he molested him. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. yeah they They got out argument and afterwards they hate fucked. me So that's why we stopped talking. We don't talk about it anymore. Yeah, and now he just can't take dick because he knows how good daddy's is. oh boy.
Speaker: I tried to fuck him last Christmas, but he told me to go fuck myself. yeah So I did. I stroked it to completion into your piss pot. yeah um So anyways. ah he saw He's scared to call him because, you know, he doesn't know what's going to happen or whatever. And Kevin said he conquered his fear of the basement, so he should call his son.
Speaker: can't. Thanks, Kevin.
Speaker: What'd you say? they Thanks, Kevin. Yeah, thanks for nothing. Thanks, man. Definitely on the same scale. Kevin's like, you know, conquered my fear. I pissed in the toilet.
Speaker: Whoa, Kevin. that mean want me to molest my son again? Is that going to fix all the problems? Is he going talk to me again? It's like reversing... I'm reversing the first molestation into a second one.
Speaker: If you think... Yeah. I mean, that's just fucking wild. um So he decides they shake hands and he walks off and then there's a montage of Kevin setting up some traps and he ices the stairs. He puts some tar on the stairs, a different set of stairs. He puts a heater on the door handle. That's fucking slick, bro. That's smart as fuck.
Speaker: um Sets up some paint buckets. Yep. yep yeah Marvin Harry pull up and Harry says he's gonna go to the back door. what he said. They're fucking stupid. You know, they just let him through the back door.
Speaker: um So he shoots both of them with his fucking BB gun and then he slips around the... reading the You go to the front, I'll go to the back. We'll double tame. Harry goes around front and he tries to go upstairs and slips.
Speaker: Marv tries go into the basement and slips down the back stairs and he tries to pull himself up, but he falls. Uh, Harry tries to go up the stairs and falls again. ah Marv gets up and tries to pry open the door, but it was unlocked the whole time.
Speaker: to do Um, walks in the basement. He pulls a light switch and it's a fucking, it connect, it's connected to a, an iron that hits him right in the face. You'd be dead. A hundred percent. On his fucking head.
Speaker: Um, Harry, people still iron clothes. Yeah, I do. You own an iron. I own an iron. Yeah. Can I place it on my penis next time I'm over? Yeah, bro. No problem. Plying your fucking sack out for you too. If you want. Yeah. Good. I want that shit. It's real wrinkly, right?
Speaker: Yeah. Um, so ah Harry's able to get up the stairs, but he burns his hand, the doorknob, but like his hand, like he shows his wound and it looks kind of gnarly. Yeah. i mean, he's branded PG kids movie.
Speaker: Yeah. We cut back to Marv who shows...
Speaker: Oh. Marv has gotten his socks in his shoes stuck to the stairs with tar. And then he steps on a nail and falls back down.
Speaker: he kind of goes... It's pretty good. Uh, Harry breaks through the back door and when he opens it, this torch goes off and lights his hair and his head on fire.
Speaker: he goes, oh um, and then he extinguishes it in the snow and then runs and breaks through the back door. and Marv comes up from the basement and they, uh, he comes up from the basement outside and sees a window that's open.
Speaker: And Kev is taunting them from upstairs saying he's so scared. Um, and Harry opens his door and runs into some tape. He basically gets taped and feathered, not tarred and feathered, just taped. Right.
Speaker: I mean, you can't tar somebody in 1990, you know? That's crazy, right? Yeah. That's racist. Big racism. Um, Marv comes in through the window and steps on some ornaments, which obviously hurt because he's barefoot. There's blood when he walks away. It was cool.
Speaker: Marvin, Harry, you're night, and they try to go up the staircase and slip and fall on some, I guess, are Legos? What were these things? They're like little matchbox cars. Okay. ah They go up the stairs and they get hit in the face with paint cans.
Speaker: Just like get out. Or not get out. Ready or not. But they not. Yeah, but they proved that they would kill you.
Speaker: Is it ready or not? Better watch out. Better watch out. You better watch out. You better suck my cock. I need a piss pot. um So... ah Marv notices that Harry's missing his gold tooth. He's like, not my gold tooth.
Speaker: I paid for a stripper. My fucking market value for piss pots has gone way down. don't have a gold tooth anymore. Yeah. ah Kev calls the police. And then ah he runs...
Speaker: away from Mark and Harry, and they trip on some wire. And Marv grabs him by the pant leg. and And Kev is able to grab a fucking tarantula, just drop it on Marv's face.
Speaker: And he runs up and hides on the third floor. And you've got arachnophobia. I still need to watch that movie, but you said they use real spiders, so I'm scared to watch it. But they were treated humanely, which is good.
Speaker: No, it's not. Kill them. Okay. Kill the bugs. The tarantula is now on Harry and Marv goes to hit it with the crowbar, which is just not be he says, don't move.
Speaker: Well, guess what? The tarantula fucking moved. ah Kevin ziplines from his house to a fucking treehouse. And, he almost gets shot out the other end of it. And then, uh, Kevin taunts them.
Speaker: And, uh, well, I like before that, like, they're like, where'd he go? Marv's like, maybe committed suicide. I'm like, what? Marv committed commit suicide. Yeah.
Speaker: Uh, So Harry's like, dude, he wants us to go back down the stairs to his fucking little trapped house. Let's go across. And they start climbing across the zip line.
Speaker: And Marv is having some ah fear about being up so high. And then Kevin cuts the line and they swing into the house like a brick wall. Like, ah but they didn't break it down, though.
Speaker: No. ah Kevin runs, and he's chased after my Mark and Harry, and he runs into neighbors, ah the storm door. and I love when my neighbor lets me run right through the storm door.
Speaker: And Harry says that Kev wants him to follow. He has a better idea. So Kevin runs through like the flooded basement and opens the door to like the kitchen. And they're there waiting.
Speaker: And they hang him to the door. And ah he's about to get beat the fuck up, this little fucking kid, when Shovelman comes in and saves the day. Yeah, he fucking beats him in the head with a shovel.
Speaker: The police arrive and the water's running, which means they know that these fuckers committed all these crimes because they're the wet bandits. And if you fucking forgot, it's Christmas Eve.
Speaker: And Ari's like, bro, if I told you not to do that, don't let your wetness get all over. Right. You have to contain your wetness. um And if you forgot, it's Christmas Eve. And Kevin goes to leave out the milk and cookies.
Speaker: ah Look like he left out carrots. He did leave out some carrots for the reindeer. Oh, is that what you're supposed to do? Yeah, we did that as kids. You didn't do that? No.
Speaker: Oh, all right. Just milk and cookies. Yeah, I mean, sometimes we would just throw them into the backyard off the porch. yeah Actually. Yeah. Oh, okay.
Speaker: Just kind of smart. Yeah? Yeah.
Speaker: So anyways, he goes to bed and we cut to the mom saying she's a bad parent, which she is. And the polka group, they're all fucking degenerates too. And Gus tells us to remember how he left a little tyke.
Speaker: little tyke? Yeah, that's what he told him. All alone. ah It's Christmas morning and Kev wakes up and mom's not there. Still hasn't come back from the tartar sauce.
Speaker: And Kev's like, it looks like I won't have a pot to piss in for Christmas. Um, he goes back, he goes outside, looks around. She ain't there. he goes back inside and the truck pulls up Mom comes inside. and She's like, Kevin Wendell Crumb.
Speaker: Uh, and then he calls, he goes, mom, mom, dead They reunite. you know She apologizes. They hug. The whole family pulls up arguing.
Speaker: And Buzz is like, yo, man, respect. You kept your piss in the whole time with no piss pot. pissbaw Don't worry. I fucking abused him. He's like, sorry, bruv. I abused your piss pot.
Speaker: And Kev tells him that they have milk because he went shopping while they were gone. The dad finds Harry's gold tooth. ah And Kevin sees the old man reunite with his family. He fucking took the jump. He called his fucking son.
Speaker: And now he's reunited with his fucking granddaughter. The theory goes that ah Kevin McAllister grows up to be John Kramer.
Speaker: i mean, I'd buy that. I'm good with that. Yeah, you want he le legally changes his name, gets cancer, and then starts like reliving childhood trauma. But who are we going to give? Where's John Kramer's piss pot?
Speaker: It's Amanda. John needs a piss pot. It's the pig head. He pisses in the pig head. pisses in the pig head. ah Yeah. Or on Bill. Oh, Billy. Hey, great. You're the puppet.
Speaker: So what are you giving this movie on your first ever watch, apparently? Instead of them being like terrified of the puppet, just like, what the fuck is that smell? ah sorry. It's my pee. My piss-soaked puppet.
Speaker: I'm going to give it a four. Yeah, right? Me too. it a four star. It's a solid movie. I fully expect you to give it a five. Really? Because I said I love it? don't know. I just figured you'd give it five, yeah. It's a four. I like this movie. I enjoyed my time with it. Yeah, it's still solid.
Speaker: ah You don't get as much of the... ah I guess maybe like the trappage that you would want to. I kind of picture being more trappage for sure. Yeah. But you know, he's only eight. And it was the first of its kind. Yeah, and he has no piss pot. im Right, so he's already like delusional. What are you going do without your piss pot?
Speaker: Right, the second one has more. Let us know what you would do without your piss pot. Let us know you need a piss pot. Let us know if you want to sponsor the show. And let us piss in your mouth.
Speaker: Big. Uh... Next week, or I don't fucking know what day this is. What day is the 30th this year? Tuesday? Is it Tuesday?
Speaker: Right. Which we recorded. We had a good time. Yeah, it was good good good film, good time. Good time to have my whole... Uh, and then, ah you get an episode on the Santa Claus, which we haven't recorded yet, but we will very soon. Uh, yeah. I mean, i don't know what else to say. We should just call this the piss pot episode. Yeah, you went really hard with that. Yeah, I think we did. i don't think it was just me.
Speaker: ah but we'll, uh, see you guys on Tuesday. Tuesday. Mark, going to pee in your mouth and call you my piss pot. going to call you Marv.
