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EP. 31 Violent Night (2022)
145 Plays1 year ago
The guys are joined by friend of the show Jake to discuss Violent Night! They also review their recent physical media pick ups. Happy 2025!
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Email the pod at 2guys1screenpod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode Focus
00:00:00
Speaker
What's going on, guys? Welcome back to How About Them Halfbacks? Shut the fuck up, man. Get out of here. Hello and welcome to episode number 31 of the Two Guys of One Screen podcast. My name is Nick. And I'm Gerald. And today we are joined by a very special guest, someone who's become a character of the show. yeah I mean, you're a real person, but we talk about you like every episode cut to every ah Jake mention over the past 30 episodes. ah We are joined by our our good friend, Jake.
00:00:36
Speaker
Thanks for having me, guys. I mean, this is this is the long-awaited arrival of... Did I say your full name? Yeah, I think you did. Don't box me like that. I didn't mean to dox you. ah You did dox me on the Harry Potter episode. I did, I did. ah But today, ah Jake is here to cover with us Violent Knight from 2022. We're recording two episodes today, both from 2022.
00:01:03
Speaker
That's very interesting. ah Weird how that worked out. Not planned at all. ah Did y'all see that movie in theaters?
Theater Experiences and Recent Watches
00:01:11
Speaker
I did not. No. Oh, you're both fucking fake then. I saw it in theaters. What? I loved it. I did. It was great. I watched i watched it. ah I think I rented it. No, actually, i do I saw it twice. Like the week it came out, I think once I saw it in a theater. It's a little sus. Once I watched it with my parents.
00:01:32
Speaker
The parents is kind of fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah um Before that we'll do a little plug ah So follow us on instagram two guys one screen pods and any comments concerns movie requests to two guys one screen pod at gmail dot.com Follow us on tick tock even though it'll only be here for about a couple days That's it. That's it. Follow us on Letterboxd and send us an email at 508. Send us an email. Send us an email. Send us a voicemail at 508-fist-us. Or 508-8-dip-your-tip. No, just dip-tip. ah Speaking of TikTok, we did get a new follower on TikTok. This is like when football teams are down bad and they score in the last quarter.
00:02:26
Speaker
You know, they're trying to just catch up in garbage time. This is basically what we're doing. Shout out to Brian. Brian. Uh, your username is BTJYKTV.
00:02:38
Speaker
Uh, he just, he followed us on, uh, on Instagram. Thank you. Instagram, TikTok. Dude, also Jesus and friends, where you at? Yo. Looking for that Easter. Looking free to rise again. You need to be resurrected, my guy. Uh, yeah.
00:02:54
Speaker
And like like Gerald said, give us a call, 508fistas, 508diptip, send us an email. i wanted to i wanted to um I was saving this for the podcast, because I i wanted to get your opinion on it. Because Gerald and I both saw Craven, The Hunter. And Jake, I don't think you saw it yet, right? No. Unfortunately. Is it possible that movies not as bad as everyone making it seem to be? 1,000%. We're not doing a full review on Craven. I'm just asking. No. i mean Everybody was like really shitting on it and I was expecting to go into it expecting like some madam web shit, but ah I haven't rated it on letterbox, but I'll give you I'll give it a solid three like I wasn't I gave it a three Right like it's now Real quick. Yeah, it's not great, right? um However, well, okay, so the CGI it's pretty bad
00:03:50
Speaker
it's um It's bad, but it's not the worst. Not not the worst. Violent Knight has some rough CGI, actually. ah We can talk about that. Calypso, that actress, fucking horrible. Oh, she was told she's not. People are like, is she a real actress? She was in another movie this year called a House of Spoils. I mean, terrible. like Also, what was the deal with her? And like, she'd be talking and she looked like Jake on the webcam. Like, the mouth didn't match up with the sound.
00:04:17
Speaker
yeah people were talking about that too um it was really weird um but it wasn't as bad as people are you know saying it is interesting that uh the
Movie Opinions and CGI Discussion
00:04:30
Speaker
sony verse movies all have these like audio visual problems and it's only for these movies and sony's known for and sony made spider verse and like the old Toby movies and all this shit and now yeah like they're just putting out garbage and you know I don't know if you know this but Sony's like you know revolutionary and the audio visual landscape like wow I mean what are we doing you know get me respectfully get your shit together
00:04:57
Speaker
Yeah, I like Russell Crowe. He was good. People were sus of his accent. I think it was good. I thought it was pretty good Russian accent. Yeah, it is a little weird the way the movie ends, because this is the death of the Sony verse. It's yeah. Now, I like the casting of Corriven himself. People, I thought people were like shitting on him or Johnson. That guy's jacked. He's a fucking piece. Yeah, I don't know. I don't care. um Yeah, I mean, fair enough, I'll probably buy it physically, not gonna lie. Honestly, I'm considering it. I think it's... my this The Sonyverse movies, I think Venom 1 is still the best movie in the Sonyverse. Then I'm probably going Craven. Which is crazy. Yeah. I mean, and then there's the other two Venoms, I guess. Madam Web's probably the bottom.
00:05:49
Speaker
Or
Sonyverse Movies and Production Quality
00:05:51
Speaker
Morbius. Morbius. So Morbius this is kind of crazy. I watched Morbius, but I kind of like... Did you see Morbius, Jake? I... That is the only movie that you've said in the last 10 minutes that I've actually watched. You haven't seen Venom 1? None of the Venoms? No. Alright. I mean, he's smart because most of the Venom movies are a fucking... They're a skip.
00:06:09
Speaker
that ah Morbius I gave a two and a half and I must be on some fucking hardcore drugs on some strong stuff as Titanic said I Don't really know what to do with Morbius as far as a ranking because I don't really remember watching it But I know it's bad, but madam web is like really bad. It's not good. I I've seen the trailers for madam web and I've heard people talk about it besides you guys and they said that it was the worst movie that's come out in the last few years and it's It's pretty terrible, but there are some Amazon straight to streaming stuff that's like, I would say worse than that. You haven't seen it, right Gerald? No. I don't know if Madame Web's a half star, but it's definitely a one star, like maximum.
00:06:52
Speaker
But I will say Minecraft but better than Madam Web. Yeah. i So I guess the bottom line is go see Craven if you haven't. Give it a shot. I like the direction they took for the character because you automatically think like Craven's like a villain. You know, he's like evil. Yeah. They made him like a dude. You know, also, I want to ask you because you have or you had or you still have the run of the OG Spider-Man comics like collection, right? ah Yeah. A solid amount of them.
00:07:21
Speaker
I heard online that Craven's backstory is not actually what they portrayed in the movie. Yeah, it's not. Oh. So I guess like the hardcore comic fans probably get upset by that, but I don't mind the adaptation they took. No, it's pretty good, you know? But also, he doesn't come off like a villain. So like when you're watching the movie, it's like, how when is he going to fight Spider-Man? How does he get to like, oh, I want to kill Spider-Man? Because like he's ah a solid dude in this movie.
00:07:49
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, at the end, he when he puts on the the coat. Yeah, I didn't like that. No. Didn't like that at
James Gunn Superman Trailer Expectations
00:07:55
Speaker
all. Felt forced. Very forced. Yeah. I guess that's like when he realized like, you know, I'm just going to start fucking killing people. him And Russell Crowe over a letter like you and I are one.
00:08:08
Speaker
Get the fuck out of here like get the fuck out of here, but also crows pretty sick. He got fat, huh? He did get fat, but he's a craven Craven in that movie. He's he's like us an animal rights activist We are a pro animal rights actor you pro animal rights. I am pro animal rights We just wanted to get that out there in case anybody's wondering Yeah, cuz we can't have you on the podcast if you're not yeah, if you're not get that get out of here. I have the button Shut the fuck up man like get out of here ah one more One more little piece of a business we can talk about since it is timely. The the James Gunn Superman trailer dropped. Yo. Which Gerald texted me about and Jake and I spoke about briefly and both times I was like, save it for the podcast. Because I want him to save it. ah Should I go first? um Maybe I'm in the minority. Go for it. I think we need to slow the fuck down in the hype of this movie.
00:09:05
Speaker
It looks, uh... Looks a little childish to me. I'll be honest. That's kind of what I like about it, though. James Gunn's bringing, like, the Guardians vibe.
00:09:18
Speaker
That's valid, I would say. But do we need, like, another... Man of Steel? No, we need to bring it back to, like, Christopher Reeve's wheelchair head ass type shit, you know? Christopher Reeve's wheelchair head ass.
00:09:35
Speaker
You know, because he was in a wheelchair after the movies. I didn't know that. Throwing off a horse. Fucking paralyzed. Did he really? yeah Yeah. Superman, my fucking dick. Can't even deal with a horse. ratmo So you guys are excited for this movie then.
00:09:54
Speaker
Yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited for a bit of a hot take, but big crypto fan over here.
Physical Media Collections and Scream Factory Haul
00:10:01
Speaker
Big crypto fan. Get the fuck out of here. A dog, right? Yeah. i knew When you said last night, like, I'm excited for this one part and I was like, don't tell him like it's Deaf with the dog.
00:10:11
Speaker
But I mean, there was blood right in the trailer. So maybe maybe it's not going to be as child friendly as we're expecting. I will say I will say this on the note of what you said about the Guardians movies. I think James Gunn did execute like those films and even the Suicide Squad. Well, but there also is still a.
00:10:30
Speaker
Um, emotional core of those movies. So obviously you can't see that in a teaser trailer for sure. Right. But hopefully he hits on that. Also, Jake thinks that Lois Lane is worthy of the button. I do agree. Um, watch it again, Gerald. Watch it again. Let me just andworthy let me just pull up Lois Lane on my phone. That's a good idea. Instead of her, the new movie trailer up Lois Lane, James Gunn, Rachel Brosnan.
00:11:01
Speaker
This makes sense for you, Jake. Honestly, it kind of makes sense that you're into her. I'm not gonna lie to you, dude. yeah Yeah, she kind of looks like young Demi Moore. A little bit. She looks like like an inbred sister of Kristen Stewart. Jesus. Does that mean? I'm sorry. A little. She looks like you can be she all right she looks as she could be related to Kristen Stewart. She's kind of lacking in the tits department for me, you know?
00:11:25
Speaker
rat um You know, Jake, if you want to get your own soundboard and give her the button, you can. um it's ah For me, it's not button worthy. As far as Lois Lanez go, you know, Amy Adams has is my number one. Also, she's a red headed and you know how I feel about redheads. I'll be honest, my my dating past has been like pretty much strictly blondes. And it really pisses me off because redheads are like top tier for me. Redheads, if you're out there, I'm trying to procreate more redheads. Right. Right. That's what it is. Yeah.
00:12:02
Speaker
Um, so yeah, the James Gunn supermarantula is, is out. Uh, we'll jump into physical media releases. Jake, I'm not going to ask you, um, Gerald and I have one of the same Johns and then I have a bit of a list if you want to talk about it first. So my one and only physical media pickup this week is the 4k of ghosts right here, right now.
00:12:32
Speaker
I was really hoping you had the button. It's okay. What, rats? Nah, I thought you would pull the right here, right now. Uh, no, but I can put it in post. Put it in post, Nick. Okay. ah I haven't gotten a chance to watch it yet because one, it's actually very long. Yeah. Um, second, I don't, I think I'd have to watch it by myself. I'm not too sure if anybody else would want to watch it with me.
00:13:03
Speaker
ah I Watched because the nice thing is also did you open it you get a little coupon of the ghost door inside? low 15% low 15% off that's scary um I Watched because in it there's a little booklet with the chapters and each chapter is like a song Okay, or two songs whatever it is which works so I went through and listened. I wasn't gonna watch the whole thing but I will say, glorious 4K. It's really amazing to see those jiggly tit skeleton bitches in 4K. I mean, it is, dude, it's amazing. It's amazing. I will say this, and maybe it's my TV, but I'm pretty sure it's the disc. I had to have the volume to hear this up to, I swear to God, 85. Whoa. ah The sound quality,
00:13:53
Speaker
is good but it's very very low and maybe it's the nature of shooting live music but it was good in the theater yeah because you're in a fucking movie theater you don't have a sound bar so maybe I do have a sound bar, just don't use it. Well, you know, but my TV, but my TV works. My TV plays. I hope it works. I forgot to turn down the volume that and night. I just turn my TV up the next day. I turned it on a watch, whatever fucking blaring, blaring. I mean, I had to crank it to 80, crank it to 85. Pause. I had to get it up to 85. I'll crank you to 85 percent. Then you can finish yourself. Yeah. Don't blue ball me. Listen to that episode. Strange darling.
00:14:36
Speaker
But yeah, the the audio quality is good, it's just very quiet. I don't know, you watch it and you tell me, even with your sound bar, fucking. Hey, you got the walls over there. I'll give you an update. Yeah, let us know. What else you got crack and lacking? A lot. We'll start with ah the Scream Factory Hall, which didn't get here last week for our recording in time. It didn't show up to like 7.30 at night. It's fucking stupid. At night.
00:15:04
Speaker
Spongebob reference you mean watch spongebob. Oh, I fucking don't um First one we got Motel Hell 4K Steel Book. This movie is fucking great. I don't care what anybody says. Slept on. Slept on. Underrated gem. It is camp fun. It knows exactly what it wants to be and executes it perfectly. Any chance you've seen Motel Hell, Jake? Nope. There it is spoiler alert for Motel Hell, Jake. There is a chainsaw fight at the end. And a guy is wearing a pig head on his head.
00:15:38
Speaker
Nice it is. I mean, it's so dude practical effects. What else could you want from life? I could I could see Jake being farmer Vincent and his Elders older years. That's possible you know ripping ripping people's voice boxes out. So they're just talking like Yeah, yeah, exactly. I should have got that as a sound. That'd be a crazy poll. Crazy poll, dude. um Check it out if you have it. I think it's on Prime. I could be wrong. Don't quote me. Actually, by the time this comes out, it's going to be a new month. It could change everything. So who knows? Everything changes. ah Next movie, I'm not sure why I bought this. Well, two of them. Not sure why I bought them, but it is what it is. ah The Dead Zone with Christopher Walken on 4K.
00:16:25
Speaker
This movie is my ass Stuck in my head is watch up my ass The dead zone not pole fiction is wildly mid Wildly mid even though it has Yeah,
00:16:42
Speaker
ah yeah it's pretty mid ah but ah Gerald night off the power talking and I'm just really trying to catch up in the screen factory collection Fun factors I counted I have 84 Yeah, that's I'm i'm in the 30s. I'm not in the 20s like ghost.
Horror Movie Critiques
00:17:00
Speaker
All right moving it on ah Next movie, movie I've been looking for for a long time and we found it in FYE for $32 and I respectfully told the cashier to go fuck herself.
00:17:14
Speaker
ah It is the House of Wax. Jake, you seen that? No. All right. Let me know. Let me know when you see one of these. All right. See you. It's got Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton. She gets the button. I don't care. It's what it is. The marketing for that movie was Watch Paris Die. In that movie, some of the CGI looks really rough and some of it looks really great.
00:17:41
Speaker
ah But it's a fun movie. I enjoyed it. i've watch I've watched it. And lastly, cross another one off. Well, this is not the last thing. This is the last of the Scream Factory Draw and Call. Another Studio Ghibli Steelbook, Earwig and the Witch. this is This is like, infamously, one of the worst movies Studio Ghibli's ever put out. I have not watched it, but at some point- Jake, you're shaking your head. Have you seen this movie? Yeah, I've seen it. Jake, see the movie!
00:18:10
Speaker
Give it up for Jake, he's probably the only studio Ghibli movie he's seen and I'm sorry that it's me. Autumn! Autumn, let us know. let yeah is your ah What is your opinion on Earwig and the Witch? By the way, Autumn said I hate every movie. That's fucking bullshit. Fuck you, Autumn. Whoa! My opinion is it's awful. Yeah, I think everybody can agree it's probably the worst Ghibli film. What's your favorite Ghibli film, Jake?
00:18:33
Speaker
What are the fireflies? Well, that's wrong. That's not even a movie. It's grave of the fireflies. but Yeah, we'll give it to you. persona I don't know names of no things. you Yeah, ah grave of the fireflies. It's wild. but I mean, actually, since you you are a historian, it makes sense. That's your favorite movie. Are you depressed? Is that why you're that's your favorite one? No, I had to watch it for school. to be like yeah now And it ah really spoke to me, you know?
00:19:00
Speaker
Well, that's some gay shit. um I mean, I did watch that movie to try to feel something, and it is the closest to feeling something I felt. I like Spirited Away. I think everybody does, though. I think it's a little overrated, but it's good. I give it three and a half. Better than Ponyo. Most things don't. Way, way better than Ponyo. I got three more to get through for physical media, then we're done. ah Criterion, I couldn't help myself. I got the Blu-ray Criterion edition of a No Country for Old Men.
00:19:31
Speaker
You seen that Jake? Nope. Jesus Christ. That is kind of crazy. You haven't seen that. I'll be honest. Um, and then a movie Jake has seen and doesn't like Conclave, uh, came out on, on disc. I got that, uh, and American fiction, which was on the list. Didn't you also get dog soldiers? Fuck. I didn't write it down. Yeah. I also got the, uh, 4k of dog soldiers. I'm very excited to see what that looks like.
00:19:58
Speaker
Cuz that blu-ray gave you was ours was sauce. I traded it immediately It got rid of that John. That's crazy.
Review of Violent Knight
00:20:05
Speaker
Cuz that's a real. That's how has a real release Yeah, and I completely skipped over it. So thank you for letting me know what I'm here for me it is Like that time that I told you got some shit and you were like, oh it's happened on the podcast before it's not unheard of yeah ah before we get into violent night Jake do you think you're a bigger fan of this podcast and Tyler is I ah Definitely. Oh, yeah actually I actually you know went out of my way and I'm talking straight to Tyler right here went out of my way to get a webcam to hang out with the boys and also to buy a mic so i didn't talk through my goddamn phone talk you sha What now tyler what now tyler didnt Tyler you know where I'm at
00:20:47
Speaker
Didn't he have a mic for a redacted podcast? Sure did. He sure did. What the fuck we doing here? The podcast that will not be. and We can dox the podcast. It's called How About Them Halfbacks. Go check it out. ah A certain person was right about something. She basically lived. I basically predicted the future. I don't know what how else to tell you guys. We'll go over the cast of Violent Night. It was directed by one Tommy Warcola.
00:21:15
Speaker
ah And he hasn't made anything else that I've seen were cola I was just about to do it it's pretty good He did also do he's also directing violent night, too Why do they need a sequel?
00:21:27
Speaker
Yeah, and it's, uh, I want to defend myself now since we're bringing this up. My first review when I first saw this movie was fuck yes, make more. I didn't mean make a sequel to this movie. I mean, make more like it. Okay. I mean, like more holiday themed films that like kick ass holiday, John Wick light films like, like fat man. I love fat man. Fun fact, there is a, there is a, there is a Hanukkah themed slasher out there.
00:21:53
Speaker
And I need to track it down, I forget the name though. But I do remember hearing that someone gets killed by a dreidel, and I'm very... Yeah. Also, I want to see someone ah ah see someone get strangled with one of them Yamakas. That'd be fun. How do you get strangled with a Yamaka? If you get strangled by a Yamaka, you had it coming.
00:22:14
Speaker
you can get choked by a yaka hey dan i does that i hate learn let's definitely i get guitar um Anyways, I guess Joe wants more Jewish cinema is it possible it's out there you don't look for it I probably don't give a fuck but I'm just saying like you know honest we need it in the mainstream besides Schindler's list, of course I'm sure Israel's got a got a film scene going on over there. We're not getting bombed.
00:22:42
Speaker
What was that bad? that that probably right oh They are getting bombed and we're sorry for you. No, yeah no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's the wrong word. ah All right. Here's the rest of the cast. David Harbor, who if you don't know who David Harbor is, he's he's in a lot of shit. Stranger Things fame. Yeah. ah He was also. The Hellboy and the Hellboy remake, we don't talk about that movie.
00:23:12
Speaker
ah We have John Leguizamo. We're also doing a John Leguizamo double feature today. ah Yeah I was gonna mention that. ah Hashtag Sid the Sloth for life, you know? Exactly. We support Sid the Sloth. We support animals. He's a little special needs, but we fuck with him. hes His eyes are too far apart. I didn't say David Harper plays Santa in this movie. John Leguizamo plays Scrooge. We have Beverly DiAngelo. She plays Gertrude.
00:23:43
Speaker
ah Alex Hassell plays Jason. Alexis Louder plays Linda ah does not get the button. No, no one in this movie gets the button. Edie Patterson plays Alva Cam. I don't know how to say your last name. Sorry. Gagandet plays Morgan Steele.
00:24:02
Speaker
Leah Brady plays Trudy, one of the worst child actresses I've ever seen. Horrible. horrid And we know you're a little kid. We know you're a little kid, but honestly, maybe think about doing something else. Yeah, do better. This path is not for you. Go to school. Stay in school, you know?
00:24:22
Speaker
but We can't say that. actually We I can't be said.
00:24:33
Speaker
Fong Young plays Tinsel. ah Finn McCager Higgins, I'm not making these names up, plays Jingle. Raleigh Clements Willis plays Peppermint. Stephanie Sy plays Sugarplum. And I think that's all we're gonna shout out for the cast.
00:24:56
Speaker
Like I said earlier, this movie was released in 2022. We're all going to give you scene by scene, so if you haven't seen it, ah you can stay or go watch it and come back. I think it's on the cock. And Jake's here, so we don't have to tell Jake to go watch it. It's on Hulu. Hulu's got some some heat, honestly. Kind of want to. Yeah, right. Kind of want to go back to Hulu, but I can't. Want that login, huh?
00:25:22
Speaker
Well the law know who was cracked down on the screen share. Oh, you're right really cracked down on that They've cracked down. I'm gonna crack you open. Mm-hmm Like you like an egg like an egg eggs You should have that button for Jake. I only have so many spaces, you know, that's the problem yeah yeah glad you don't have that ba button That's the problem with more than like That's the problem with more than three ways. Like there's only so many openings, you know, I There's only so many orifices. Right. Right. All right.
00:25:55
Speaker
um ah The opening of this movie takes place in Bristol, England. I wrote Guy Drifts Up As Santa, but is this is Santa Claus himself. The Fat Man. The Fat Man. Go watch that movie. And he's...
00:26:13
Speaker
sitting down the bar with a guy who's probably a mall Santa. By the way, if you guys don't know, the Santa's not real. It's fake, just in case you guys were wondering. He's not real. You fucking with me? No, I'm being for real, dude. He's not real. 14-year-old Nick would be beside himself right now. 14-year-old Nick was beside himself.
00:26:32
Speaker
ah And essentially Santa David Harper's character has lost all hope ah For society the world they're greedy and they just want one thing after the other Which you know, I'll be honest. It's kind of the same arc as red one That's Jake. You've seen that really? Yeah. Yeah, I agree with that um Yeah, it's kind of the same arc, but red one's not a good movie. It's not bad, but it's not good. I And he's caught the plane like, you know, maybe this is ah my last year being Santa Claus. It's kind of overdone as far as the Santa Claus arc is concerned. I feel like most Santa movies go that route. Yeah, tired of being Santa.
00:27:14
Speaker
Right. Listen, Santa either wants to kill himself or he's going to get murdered. That's all the movies, which is relatable. Yeah, right. ah He gives the bartender an Astro Blaster video game for our grandson. I don't remember. I think he named drops her grandson or he named drops the bartender.
00:27:35
Speaker
And she's like, wait, how'd you know my grandson wanted this? How'd you know my name? Or whatever the fuck she says. Spoiler. He's fucking Santa. He's Santa Claus, dude. And he goes up to the roof and she's like, you can't be going up there. ah And he takes off in his sleigh and vomits on her on the way out. Or she's like above her and vomits. He's drunk. Right. And down on his luck. We get the title card. Title card's good.
00:28:04
Speaker
You know, it's not bad. It says violent night. Yeah, it does the job that needs to do. We cut to Greenwich, Connecticut. Now we're in fucking Connecticut. Goddamn nutmeggers. Jake and I, I don't know, Joe, maybe you do too. We both fucking hate Connecticut. o It is just...
00:28:22
Speaker
Can't remember the last time I was in Connecticut, to be honest with you. I'm pulling out all the buttons. Skip all you Connecticut. yeah Fuck you, Connecticut. Anybody listening to Connecticut, you're right. You just need to move in the next like year, please. Out of that fucking God-forsaken state. New year, new you, you know? Right. ah We're in Greenwich, Connecticut now, where we meet Jason. ah Jason, who is a pussy?
00:28:49
Speaker
Yes, but I mean he kind of has and Anyways, we'll get into that later He's standing in the snow. Just I guess he's he's waiting and he has a gift for his mom. He's kind of ugly He's yeah not even kind of he is ugly He's very fucking ugly. It kind of pissed me off how ugly this guy is. They pissed you off? Yeah, it's like him and then Jake, you know, it's like, wow, shots fired. We're friends here. I'm just I'm just going to kill myself. I think that's the proper way to go. I think we think we should have a suicide party. We should all do it together. Right. Let us know if you want to come right into the podcast. You want to be at our suicide part. It's either suicide or mass shaving. Not mass shooting, mass shaving. Everything hairless.
00:29:33
Speaker
So his wife, Linda, and they make it a point. They're not together anymore. And his daughter, their daughter, Trudy, they come pick up Jason. Jason! And Linda's pretty pissed that they're going to this goddamn party. First of all, she's not even with him anymore. Now she's got to go to the in-laws house? This is some bullshit. Right, and she's, you know. I mean, she's kind of ugly too. Yeah, like we said, no one's getting the pewing button today. Yeah, everybody in this movie's ugly. David Harbor's a piece.
00:30:02
Speaker
Yeah, kind of he's a chunky if you're looking for like a big man that can like, you know Call you at night. David harbors your guy big dad bod vibes. Yeah Yeah, I know that he could play like him. He could play fat Thor He could he could but instead Chris Hemsworth wore a fat suit Chad Chris Hemsworth. He's a piece he could fuck he gets the button dude. Where's the button? Come on the pod He's fucking chiseled
00:30:29
Speaker
They pull up to Jason's mother's house. and it is ah It is a nice ass house, dude. She is rich, rich. Rich, rich. ah She has her own security detail and like ah people working for her, like prepping for their holiday weekend, whatever.
00:30:47
Speaker
uh we meet the family walks into the uh the main living space where we meet alva who is jason's sister and she's a piece of shit yeah she tells lynda that she's gained weight which is kind of rude she's not even like yeah or anything nah and uh she calls jason a limp dick which he's a limp dick that's valid yeah i mean i i get i have something in compact with him in compact Compact? Yeah, let just cut that. Yeah. ah And she has this theory that their mom, Gertrude, is going to step down. And
Santa's Journey and Movie Themes
00:31:26
Speaker
she's got like, Alva's going to take the throne. She's like going to be the matriarch. Yeah, I guess. That's her big plan. Child of money. And again, Jason and Linda, definitely not together. They make it a point.
00:31:40
Speaker
ah We meet Burt, who is Alva's son, and he was named Burtrude after the the matriarch Gertrude. And he's like a streamer. Influencer. Yeah. Talk about a kid you want to throw into a fireplace. Yeah. I mean, the problem is he probably has more of a following than we do. That is a problem. That is a problem. Burtrude is crazy.
00:32:07
Speaker
For a name? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty bad. That parent needs to be shot. Shot. I mean, Alva could be shot. I wouldn't mind. I won't give a fuck now. Not the an actress. just She's like actually ugly. OK. All right. All right. um We also meet Alva's boyfriend, Morgan, who is. ah An actor. I think he's a failed actor. He's the yeah he's a is he a piece?
00:32:36
Speaker
He's kind of good looking. He's decent looking. He's like George Stamos light. Yeah, he's like the stereotypical good looking guy. Yeah, he's like too good looking where it's like he's kind of ugly. Right. Like when people are like generically hot, you're kind of ugly. Yeah, you're like trying too hard. Right. Like you got to have some flaws. You know, so what you're so why you only have one labia to what it is. I want I want to see like a poor like. Someone who's like really hot, but poor.
00:33:05
Speaker
It just doesn't happen. Well, you're slumdog millionaire. Well, yeah. ahwa you you haven seen Have you seen that movie? Yeah. Who hasn't seen slumdog millionaire? ja raised his hand We're not surprised at all. Yeah. so Morgan Alba's husband, boyfriend, whatever is annoying as fuck. I wrote down 9-11. Was there a 9-11 joke made here a 9-11 reference? yeah yeah right there was there Yeah What was the reference do you remember I Told myself I'd remember and I just wrote 9-11. Yeah, I wrote it down, too
00:33:42
Speaker
No. I think Burt says something about someone being, something being more offensive than 9-11. Yeah, something like that. I'm sorry guys, it's what it is. I didn't pause the movie to write it down. That's a crazy thing to say, by the way, like in a movie. It was, I mean, we're in the first 10 minutes of this film where I talk about 9-11. So you see where it's going. and Right. Well, actually you don't because ah there's not going to be ah an atrocity like 9-11. There's no bombings. Like there's no, you know. Right. It's not Israel.
00:34:11
Speaker
i not know
00:34:17
Speaker
off to a wild start this morning huh dude This is the first episode I don't know what what happened, but Jill and I, since the Gremlins recording, have really been on some shit. I think we've just stopped self-censoring. We say whatever comes to our head. And the like the Harry Potter episode, not to spoil it already, but like that is that is our best episode, like definitely. And it's not close. You're ready. I had to stop editing it because my head hurt from laughing. That's how funny it is.
00:34:46
Speaker
ah Whenever that episode comes out and I hear it, I'm probably still not gonna be good. It's probably gonna lose my shit again. Yeah, it's really funny. It's dropping, ah I'll tell you, I'll see, it's dropping March 4th. Get ready. Mark your calendars. This shit's about to get heavy. All right, let's go back to the scene by scene. We meet Gertrude, who's on the phone and she's like popping into the living room, popping out, and she's saying some funny stuff.
00:35:11
Speaker
ah And she talked like gift wrapping their whoever she's talking to get gift wrapping their best offer and shoving it up your box like your pussy right box And then she said don't shit in my mouth and tell me it's chocolate cake. It's pretty funny. It's pretty good There's only a couple people that I probably let shit in my mouth. I'll be honest. All right list them You okay, that's a win Not Jake. No, Jake, she's like a bear. Right. That's a problem. ah So it's you, Megan Thee Stallion. OK. Margot Robbie. ah What about all time favorite Natalie Portman? No, Natalie Portman is not even like all that. We've got Natalie Portman from Attack of the Clones. No, because just think I'm sweaty and dusty. Yeah. What would be a good shit?
00:36:04
Speaker
No. Do you think they have toilet paper? In Star Wars? he Yeah. We know. Then they just like force pull all the shit particles off their ass. They probably got lasers. like Lasers? Jake, why don't you share your hot your Star Wars hot take? ah that The prequels are better? The prequels are better? Yeah. Crazy. Crazy fucking take. Gerald, I have a real question for you, though. What?
00:36:32
Speaker
do you Do you chew once they shit in your mouth or? You're not taking it like a pill. No, there's no swallowing. If it's like a constant patient shit, you could probably swallow it. I don't know if I want to swallow it. Little marbles. You're probably going to die. Wait, so your is your plane just to get shit on in your mouth and then just like spit it out? Yeah, kind of like when girls like, you know, I'm a so two girl spitter. Two guys on screen. No, they swallow it in two girls one cup. That was perfect timing.
00:37:02
Speaker
ah All right. Well, if you think that you're a worthy contender to shit in Gerald's mouth right in the podcast calls in 508 vist us if this if this episode gets 50 listens Nick will watch two girls one cup I'm gonna watch it regard. I'm gonna watch it regardless Actually, if it gets 50 listens, we'll review it for the podcast That's crazy, right? I mean with what we're already reviewing I We have scheduled is it that crazy? No, so I was family lies like standing up at the front Like closer to the entrance of where Gertrude's gonna walk in and Jason's family is hanging back And I was like why you guys standing back there like what do you know? Like while they know something it's about where they're standing He just sniffed it
00:37:55
Speaker
I mean, do you come in that chair? No. All right. I come on my bed. Not on my bed. Like a gentleman. No, I know. I know what you mean. Yeah.
00:38:09
Speaker
So because Jason's family is sitting towards the back of his living room, Alva's family ends up sitting standing back there with them. Trudy, which is ah Jason and Linda's daughter, runs up to Gertrude to say hello. And her name is Trudy. And Gertrude's like, it's a horror name. And it just says it right in front of this kid, which is kind of crazy.
00:38:32
Speaker
Um, like that's your name too, dumb bitch. yeah Her name, ah I think she'd be like, my name is Gertrude, not true. Well, she calls her, she calls the little kid Gertrude, and then she says it's Trudy. And she goes, oh, that's a whore name. Like don't ever, don't ever name your daughter Gertrude. She's going to get bullied. She's probably going to be ugly. Remember that girl Gertrude went to school with in LMS, Trudy? Yeah. Fucking ugly. She was friends with, what's her name? Yeah. his name Their name. Unfortunate. They're definitely not listening.
00:39:02
Speaker
all right Alright We cut to a montage of Santa and he's like shotgun and beers going house to house. He's given cash And there's this piece of shit dad ah Who's like passed out in the couch and he's like little kids like sleeping like? basically, he's a neglectful father and he leaves this guy a lump of coal and ah We cut back to ah the Also steals his beer well while he's walking away we cut back to this this Christmas gathering and What just out of the blue Trudy's sad that ah Jason didn't take her to the mall to see Santa and she couldn't tell Santa what she wanted What do you want for Christmas little girl?
00:39:53
Speaker
um Yeah, I mean I didn't really make any sense totally and I didn't it was kind of cringe a trust fund So Linda's pretty pissed And chase Jason sends her to bed And starts wrapping her gifts And they decide to give her one gift early and she opens it and it's a walkie They say you can talk directly to Santa. It's fake. You sure? I Santa is fake. Yeah, he's not real. He looks like God. Can't confirm. Not real. Yeah, like God. There you go. Thanks Jake. Welcome to the fucking clan, dude. Whoa, not that clan. This is the Cool Kids Club. This is the Cool Kids Club, the KKK. Welcome.
00:40:37
Speaker
ah We're also reviewing the KKK later year. Yeah killer clouds matter space. Oh, yeah yeah You get your heads out of the gutter. We're not white supremacists. All right, we know Jake's gonna shave his head doesn't mean anything right, right ah so Linda and Jason leave Trudy in her room and they hear Trudy talking in the walkie asking Santa for her parents to get back together. Also a very stereotypical common you know theme for these Christmas movies. Right. ah We cut to Santa who's on a roof and he steps in some deer shit.
00:41:14
Speaker
And he dear and shit he enters ah the they're they're they're the Lightstones, Trudy Gertrude Lightstone. And their house is so big, they make a comment about this before. Their house is so big, and they have multiple fireplaces. So he enters down one of the, I guess, several fireplaces. And he sees the candy cane and homemade cookies that Trudy left out for him. And he's actually impressed.
00:41:42
Speaker
I'd be impressed. Because they're not store-bought. But they do hit them with skim milk, which is pretty shit. That's gay. Yeah, I mean, full force. Yeah. Be fat. Right. Embrace your fatness, you know? No body shame in here, but I definitely have body shame people in the past. Like 2%? That's good. Like Jake. I like 2%. Yeah, that's my go-to. I like eggnog. Eggnog fucking slaps, dude. Dude, eggnog's best. It is. Like, rub your nog on me, you know what I'm saying?
00:42:12
Speaker
is Is that a how you do it? Might be. We can talk about your how you do a mishap in the next episode. don't I didn't forget about that. All right. um Do you want to talk about it now? Let's talk about it now. I'm fucking sick of this. Jake's such a piece of shit sometimes. So Jake texts me out of the blue. No context. Well, I knew what was going on, but like we weren't texting. It was just a random text. And he says to me, OK, hold on. Give me a second.
00:42:38
Speaker
I have it. Webcam and Mike are set up for when you get home. And he has the nerve, the un-negated goal to tell me that's not a how you learn. If a woman texted you that out of the blue, wouldn't you be hard immediately? I'm like, oh, we're making a movie tonight. And he goes, no, it's not. Jake, defend yourself.
00:43:01
Speaker
it Just just the mind shut the fuck up man get out of here you're wrong. What are you saying is irrelevant? Yeah, it doesn't matter you're wrong completely. Let us know how wrong Jake is right into the podcast or call ah You can dip your tip on the webcam Or fist us on the webcam. Whatever whatever you want to do
00:43:22
Speaker
ah So Santa enters their their house. He has the the cookies, the skim milk. He pours the skim milk out into like a wine bucket, which is kind of hilarious. And he finds some some brandy, and he goes, mm, this is some pre-war shit, which I like. I like this lore they build that he's like an ancient creature. Yeah, figure that's just been around for like ever. Pre-war. Pre-war shit.
Climactic Action Scenes in Violent Knight
00:43:50
Speaker
And he said am I right would you say? WII yeah exactly shout to mr. Futterman. Yeah, he's definitely not listening Oh, and then he's sitting in like those massage chairs that are at the mall Very odd they have it in their house, but well, there's where they're rich. They got a few money. They have a full-ass arcade in their house Yeah, I know but it's I still think it's kind of trash to buy one of those get a masseuse Get molested by a masseuse being an adult. Yeah, come on. Right. The charlotte was good, Jake. I appreciate that. We cut to Gertrude's security detail, who is... He gets approached by the main John. I think his name is Gingerbread. Yeah. No. Is it? Who is that, Jake? No, it's Mr. Scrooge.
00:44:44
Speaker
No, Mr. Screw is not in the movie yet. I can't confirm. oh It's because remember, remember this. It's an inside job. Right. I'm confuzzled. I'm confuzzled. You're right.
00:44:55
Speaker
Bush did 9 11. We all do it. I want, I want, you know, I wrote down that it was an inside job like 9 11. So I would remember to make the joke um and doubt intentionally. Hey, that's fine. Uh, prove it happened. No, steel beams confirmed. Right.
00:45:14
Speaker
So he asked one of the other security detail members what that he tells him it's national boxing day and then knocks him out And all the help within the house all their watches start going off um And we see gingerbread kill the internet cords yank them from wherever And now is where we meet scrooge who comes to the they have a gate and there's a guy that works they gave him al and tells Al that his car broke down. And I was like, what the fuck you doing here, man? It's private residence. And he's like, yeah, can you call? And he calls, and we just see Scrooge kill him.
00:45:54
Speaker
So we got all the johns that were a part of this inside job, all right? We got jingle, we got peppermint, we got candy cane, we got gingerbread, we got tinsel, we got sugarplum, and they're all on mics. They're all talking to each other, you know, pulling off this inside job. Right, they're they're acting like this is some fucking Call of Duty search and destroy shit, all right? yeah Right. they're They're really tugging on each other, you know? What?
00:46:18
Speaker
what Uh, we cut to Linda, who's giving Jason shit for not taking true to the mall. Uh, and Jason's like wildly out of the blue talking about running away. They're fucking divorced, bro. Yeah. i The whole thing. Yeah. Um, we cut back to Santa and he's like knocked out and he's awoken by gunshots. Uh, and we get a montage here of candy cane, who was the bartender at this party.
00:46:49
Speaker
Candy guy and she's not a doing doing doing unfortunately. She's kind of mid Very mid the action here is good that they she was gotten some people with you know with knives and then using them as like throwing knives The action sequence here was good um We see Gertrude security escort her to her panic room and does not bother taking the rest of the family with her it's just her but alba says You guys won't fit
00:47:18
Speaker
Alva like chases after her like let me in, she's like, nah. So they open the panic room and this is where we meet Scrooge, who's already in there. ah And Gertrude's like, well, there's plenty of security guys, go fuck them up, but then Scrooge like fucks them up. ah We get a glimpse of Santa who's like hiding. um We cut to Jason and his family who they hear the gunshots and they decide they're going to run, but they get caught.
00:47:48
Speaker
And I wrote here Santa's poop shoot not working Hey, yo, what it's the ah little nose thing. He does they go up the chimney. He's trying to escape He basically like sniffs, right? he's trying to sort That magic cocaine it's golden and it doesn't work and he's found by a guard and ah I Believe this is tinsel who finds him And they have this like fight. He goes to shoot at him and Santa pushes the gun upward, which fires into the ceiling, which startled the reindeer and they take off. So now he's stuck this fucking house because he's slaying his deer or going fucking reindeer. I don't know what happened here, but he went like whack like whack Santa with the gun and the gun like burned his hand. He grabbed the top of the barrel. gets hot Yeah, the barrel. All right. Because the guns going. ah Right.
00:48:47
Speaker
ah There's a a fight the guard wraps a ah like some Christmas tree lights around Santa's neck needs like trying to choke them out um But eventually Santa just eats him out the window but the The Christmas lights are also tied to him. So he gets thrown out the window as well. Uh, I will say here, I watched, well, I didn't watch it. It just kind of turned on. If the movie ended, the bonus stuff footage, uh, they did, they shot this entirely in ah one take. There was no cuts, which I didn't notice when I was watching it, but it's all done in one, one take. Cause the camera's kind of panning around the, uh, that from there in.
00:49:28
Speaker
Also, additionally, when Santa spears him out of the window, they actually send a stunt double in into the frame to do the spear out the
Resolution and Family Drama
00:49:39
Speaker
window. Oh, so it's not. They actually they actually swap out David Harbor with a stunt double and you have no idea even happened. Hmm. Well done. Making movies is cool, man. It is cool.
00:49:50
Speaker
So the the guy goes, this garden, Santa go flying out the window and tinsel, unfortunately, gets skewered through a big ass icicle skewered ah and Santa. Bob Jerry. That is a yikes. Bob Jerry, dude. He's really a kebab. Right. He is a tinsel kebab.
00:50:11
Speaker
um Santa catches a glimpse through the window of Scrooge who is now holding the entire family hostage. And he kind of deb debates leaving and then he looks at like the homemade cookie and he wants to help Trudy. Fuck the adults, right? um yeah We cut to the living room where everyone's being held hostage and Gertrude's like, I have an extraction team. And Scrooge is like, yeah, I know. He's like, I know every inch of this place. We find out here that Gertrude has $3 million dollars in a vault.
00:50:39
Speaker
ah Three hundred million yeah three hundred million oh so hundred million what three million you said yeah well that's because Someone was busy writing the scene by scene down ah Sorry guys ah And I guess the government gave it to her I or they were put in the Middle East or something and she just decided to steal it instead, but nobody knows. That part's kind of weird to me. Nobody. So she is like a defense contractor and she was supposed to give it to terrorists so they wouldn't mess with American oil. But she just took it all. All right. I got with it. No one's found out. And I guess she has a button on her ring that changes the combination of the vault, which Scrooge is also already aware of.
00:51:30
Speaker
ah Next scene Scrooge and his group find the skewered tinsel. um We cut to Trudy who tries to walkie Santa. ah And we hear Trudy on the other end of the walkie and Santa hears the walkie but he thinks someone's coming. ah And so two guards do show up and he's trying to pull something out of his magical his magical sack. yeah He only keeps pulling out video games, which I think is like, you know, there are no like real toys anymore. It's like fucking give me a I want to play Fortnite. Yeah. Give me V bucks. Right. I have a question. Yeah. Is your sack longer than Santa's sack? Because you talk about that on the podcast all the time. I will say Santa's sack has me beat. There are only two people right now who have me beat as far as sackage.
00:52:26
Speaker
ah That would be that would be Santa and Hagrid All right, I regard the whole fucking hair guy. I mean, let's not ruin the joke, right? Right. That's a good listen to that episode. But Hagrid's got I mean, it's not out yet, but it comes out Let's start promoting in two months ahead. Hagrid's got that piece. He does ah So I'd say Santa has a bigger sack Okay, and he finally pulls out of bag a like toy version of mrs. Claus.
00:52:53
Speaker
And he fights Frosty, who is one of the henchmen. This is pretty cool. He fills up a stocking with like you know eight balls from pool. And he just smacks the shit out of this dude. Show me your cue ball. ah They throw some darts at each other. ah Oh no, they don't throw darts at each other. There's a dart that goes right into this fucking dude's eye. Right in the socket. The star goes in his eye. Yeah, the star goes in his eye. The dart goes on his leg.
00:53:24
Speaker
And then they plug in the star, or Santa plugged in the star. Oh, like that. I think he's getting like fucking lit up. Yeah, so he catches on fire because he's literally electrocuted. And he takes the guards walkie. It was great. He grabs that walkie, and then he like changes the channel. He's talking to Trudy. yeah And we see that Trudy, Trudy's like, are you really Santa? And he's like, yeah.
00:53:51
Speaker
And she's on the nice list. And he's like, I need you to help me get the phone lines back up and running. And she's like, she tells him she's going to help him. Santa finds the next scene he's already outside. He finds Al dead. phoneline Got it. The phone lines in Al's little booth are also dead, too. And Santa, for the first time, talks to Scrooge over the walkie.
00:54:18
Speaker
ah
00:54:21
Speaker
And Scrooge is like, what do you want, man? He's like, I just want to go finish the living presence, man. Like, finish my job tonight. But obviously, Scrooge is like, you're a fucking idiot. You're not Santa Claus. You're a scammer.
00:54:32
Speaker
ah And we see ah Santa has an exposed wound on his stomach. um We cut to Scrooge back in the main living room where he's interrogating Gertrude and the family about who this fucking Santa guy is. Nobody knows. Who the fuck are you?
00:54:51
Speaker
um He threatens to torture any of them and Alva and Burt immediately go, just torturetation, he's a good one. And they take off his finger with a nutcracker. Which is kind of crazy. I know a thing about a nutcracker. Them shits can hurt you. Do you have a prior incident?
00:55:17
Speaker
Gerald's showing a nutcracker on screen. Miami Dolphins themed. o but confi in there
00:55:27
Speaker
That shit could fuck you up but Then Scrooge has the variety of putting his nuts in the Nutcracker. Well, it is a nutcracker and one of his henchman Krampus Offer is because candy canes like I'm not She's like, I'm not putting his balls in the nutcracker. I want to do that Krampus is a perv. He's like, I'll do it. Let's go all the
00:55:53
Speaker
So they're about to put his nuts in the nutcracker and the child actress Trudy decides to ah tell them to stop. And she's like, no, I honestly, I'm really irked by her performance. It kind of really bothers me a lot. Well, low low key, I wish she died a little later in the movie at the certain point.
00:56:11
Speaker
And she's like, I'm talking to Santa and he's gonna help us. And they're like, you're talking to Santa, huh? And Linda's like, no, dude, there's she's just talking to some, Santa's, you know, it's just a made up thing, I'll make believe. But this is where Jason goes through some real shit, like look, honey, Santa's not real. We give you your gifts every year, we just tell you that so you feel better about yourself or whatever.
00:56:34
Speaker
ah And she's very upset and runs off. ah Candy cane chases after her and it takes her literally the entire movie to figure out where true. He is crazy crazy a Bitch lives the stairs down to her hiding place. I don't get it Dumb much we cut to Santa who is dressing his stab wound and he's got he's tatted up He got tit he got tats all over himself. He got tits. He got tits too ah unlike people in this movie
00:57:07
Speaker
ah He stitches himself back up and he wraps himself with wrapping paper. Uh, and we get, uh, I get, not really. Oh, but had there was stuff on the inside of the wrapping paper. There was like cloth. Uh, and he passes out and he has like a Viking ish flashback, but it's like for a brief moment. Uh, and it's cut by Trudy calling him on the, on the mic to wake up.
00:57:34
Speaker
We find out here that Trudy tells him ah she's doing her best Anne Frank impersonation hiding in the attic. Right. ah And she is going to set up booby traps for the ah these henchmen. And again, here asks if he's ah if he's really Santa. And Santa tells her that he brings gifts to the kids who really need him. And she really needs him. I just need it. Right. And he recalls her past letters.
00:58:02
Speaker
telling, like, guess specifics about what gifts he got her in the past. um And then she asked him to get her parents back together. He's like, I can't fucking do that. I don't have those kind of powers. No, those are adult things. I'm not fucking Dr. Phil.
00:58:17
Speaker
no
00:58:21
Speaker
ah We cut back to living room where Krampus wants the family to open their gifts, and this is fucking stupid, like funny, but stupid. ah more of Morgan got Gertrude a pitch deck for a movie starring himself. So basically he's like, fund my movie that's not going to do well. Right.
00:58:40
Speaker
ah alva Gifts Gertrude a picture of her being born because that's what she wants. That's strange She she goes yeah dumb bitch. I was there But facts ah Gertrude throws it out like lizards like eats it um And then they offer for Jason to go and he says he left his gift in the car But Bert's like nah, dude, I saw you put under the tree. It's like right there, man. Like shut the fuck up, bro We're trying to get the fuck out of here, right? ah and
00:59:12
Speaker
Gertrude opens the gift, it's whiskey and Jason's like, don't read the cards. No, don't worry about it. Um, and Gertrude reads the card and just has like a bit of a smirk and Alva asked what, you know, what the card said and she's like, yeah, well, we'll keep between us.
00:59:28
Speaker
um We cut back to Trudy talking with Santa and Santa tells him that tells her that he was He gives a bunch of his name, but he was Nickamund like a warrior raider thief um But you know, he's he's pulling he's channeling his inner Thor's like I need my sledgehammer Right. I mean, yeah, they say ah ah Like where the fuck is Stormbreaker Where's my hammer? Gold destroyer. He's probably packing a fucking hammer. Dude, David Harper, show us your cock. Please. I beg of you. we You got a peace on you. We know you do. I lost my spot because I was blacked out after the hammer thing.
01:00:12
Speaker
Blocked out because I got blacked raw dude. You literally blacked like Moana Oh I want Taco Bell. So he's uh, he's down. He's not feeling great And this is arguably the gayest part of the movie and I really almost wanted to turn it off and say we're not doing it anymore ah It's when Trudy tells Santa that mr. Bunny which one of her past gifts is She goes, he wasn't just a bunny. He was my best friend. I literally wrote gay with like eight y's. Gay. Gay as fuck. Fuck Mr. Bunny. Fuck Hoppy. Fuck Hoppy too, yeah. And Justice for Bob. We gotta bring that back. Justice for Bob? Yeah.
01:01:01
Speaker
Jake, are you pro-justice for Bob? Yeah! Alright, good. Did you see Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice? Yes! It's mid. Alright. Yeah, it's not good. I think that was a movie he complained. You guys already reviewed Beetlejuice and I haven't seen it yet? yeah Like, how about you get off your fat ass and go to the movie theater?
01:01:22
Speaker
Alright. Uh... We cut to the extraction team. This is the exact opposite of gay. You can extract my seed. um And the main guy, Thorpe, I think his name is, he goes, I want to do this the way I like to fuck, fast and hard with minimal cleanup. That's how you do it. That is how you darn.
01:01:46
Speaker
if ah We cut back to candy cane who's looking for Trudy and Santa's trying to sneak up behind her and he was going to choke her out with some tinsel, but he sets off one of the little Santa toys and a immediately just goes running and he locks himself in some room. um He yelled at the toy before he turned around. He goes, effing traitor. I forgot the right, he calls it a traitor.
01:02:12
Speaker
ah He locks himself in some room candy cane radios that she found this Santa Claus and Scrooge kind of smart He puts a fire extinguisher in front of the door and it shoots in it and blows up and blows a fucking door off That's gangster gangster as fuck shout out John Leguizamo And they have him tied up to this chair and Trudy's literally in the attic right above them watching it and Whatever, she's getting hard um So they think that, you know, Santa's full of shit. He's not actually Santa Claus. He's like, I'm fucking Santa, guys. And I believe it's Gingerbread who starts pulling gifts from the bag. And Scrooge thinks it's all bullshit and throws the bag. He burns his sack. He burns Santa's sack. Don't burn Santa's sack. He's a little fringed. Yeah. And Scrooge tells this anecdote about how his dad got laid off
01:03:12
Speaker
ah But before it got laid off, they had like great Christmases, then they had nothing. um So instead he tried to go to his neighbor's house.
01:03:21
Speaker
And he makes his neighbor. Hello, neighbor. He makes it sound like his neighbor being showboating, but I'm sure they weren't doing anything crazy from the year before. Right. He probably just had some Christmas lights out and he was jealous. This is his villain arc, you know? Yeah. So he tried to go inside their house and steal their Christmas shit. And he says they scared their grandpa who fell down the stairs and died. And then he's like, you know what? Maybe I did do it.
01:03:47
Speaker
yeah i'm Yeah, I'm all for it. He's confessing his murders to Santa. He definitely did do it. He definitely said, look here, you old geezer, and shoved him down the stairs. I would. Yeah. ah So Santa kind of interrupts him, and he goes, I'm sorry, Jimmy, which is Scrooge's real name. Whoa. Santa's real name is Scrooge's real name. Right. Santa's real name is Nick. Gingerbread's real name is Bjorn. Hot.
01:04:16
Speaker
And he's like, I got you that bike you liked. And then ah like he also know Candy Cane is Kira. And they're like, how the fuck is the do they does this guy know our names? And Scrooge is about to blow Santa's head off. And it starts snowing inside, which is like fake snow that ah Trudy dumped through the air vent. I really didn't like this part either. No. No, it didn't make fucking But also, wait, wait, here, here's my problem here. Okay. Yeah. I still don't know where the hell this bitch is. And she's throwing, you figure out a styrofoam. So why the hell would you not check the attic? Yeah. Yeah. Well, they're afraid of what they're going to find. I mean, she was probably like, well, Anne Frank in the attic so well, I could probably just hide in the attic. What? Spoiler alert. Didn't go well for Anne Frank. Didn't work too well for Anne Frank.
01:05:12
Speaker
Yeah, but she was in it for a long time though, right? Yeah, but the only reason- Like more than a night. Like more than a night. The only reason she got got was her dumb ass neighbor. Jake is a historian, so that's all true. if you If you have an issue with it, take up with Jake. Jake, leave your phone number. Yeah, so the fake snow is like a distraction. Like you said, Jake Scrooge is able to sniff it out that it's fake. um And Santa is able to get up the poop shoot.
01:05:39
Speaker
Let's go. This is weird. He rolls down like the side of the roof But I guess he lands like another part of the roof because it looks like he rolls off the house, but he doesn't yeah Mansions it's got multiple roofs effing rich people problems. Yeah fucked up rich ah There's a we see the kill squad extraction team arriving Little they know the kill squad is for is working for Scrooge, not for Gertrude. Son of a bitch. Speaking of bitch, Bert calls Krampus a little bitch and gets fucking knocked out. ah And then more Morgan like kind of kicks him in parkour and then just runs out the, jumps out the window and like leaves. And we follow him and he meets up with the evac team who kills him.
01:06:30
Speaker
Well, this scumbag runs out the window. He's not trying to get anyone safe. He's trying to run away. Right. Right. Exactly. And they walk. They just happen to be there. Yeah. And they walk up to him and he's like, I'm military too. I know what you guys do. He's a fucking actor piece. Yeah. Scumbag. So he gets shot and Santa watches him get shot. ah We cut to screw you. Talks to the evac team Tom. There's some weird fucking dude.
01:06:57
Speaker
running around and he still doesn't believe a candy cane and ginger bear like dude it's definitely really Santa Claus because they watch them go up the roof when the poop shoot. Yeah. They spot Santa on the roof they start shooting and we cut to a very hard cut to Scrooge and Sugarplum who use what they call the skeleton key to open the vault which guess what has nothing in it. It's empty. Spoiler is zero dollars in your bank account.
01:07:26
Speaker
um and And Scrooge thinks that it got intercepted whatever that means ah We cut to Trudy who's still in the attic ah and Trudy sees Santa limping into the shed And he's like I'm done with this shit but the team knows the evac team kill squad knows they're going into the shed so trudy's trying to like hype him up and he she's like if you could have anything right now what would it be like i'd like to see my wife's tits he doesn't see his wife's tits just his wife once he misses claws and he drops his ring which rolls directly over to his sledgehammer
01:08:05
Speaker
Wow, which inspires him. The evac team breaches, and there is a nice little kill sequence here, including a decapitation with a sleigh. Pretty sick. what are you What are you doing, by the way? You're looking at the fucking window like a special needs kid. and What are you looking at? Why don't you lick it? I keep hearing noises. Oh, okay. What, are you paranoid?
01:08:30
Speaker
Yeah, coming from you, Nick, I think someone's watching me. He's called me more than once, Nick. I think somebody's calling me. I think someone's watching me. That's weird, Jake. No one's watching you. No one cares that much. I've done some shady shit in my past, Jake. Yeah, OK. We cut back to Scrooge, who's shooting at the Christmas tree because there's no money. And Jason looks like he wants to admit everything. And Grootrude's like, shut the fuck up, man. Get out of here.
01:08:59
Speaker
Jason, thanks for bringing that back. Shut the fuck up, man. Get out of here. That's what surgery was saying. No, not you. Oh. ah
01:09:08
Speaker
Scrooge wants to kill everyone, but Burt, this fucking idiot, points out, ah well, one of us might know where the money is. I mean, that's facts. That is fact. He's not an idiot. He's smart for saying that. He is. He's smart. But typically, he's fucking retarded. I can't say that. I can't say that. Typically, he's not intelligent. We cut back to the Santa Kill montage, and we get some kills with an ice skate. And the, as Afro mentioned, snowblower kill.
01:09:36
Speaker
So god damn good. What a great kill. Minus the CGI blood coming out of the little fucking spewer. Right. Is that what they call it? A spewer? I think it's called a funnel. I don't know. I want to funnel my cum in your ass. I did. Call that an injection. Oh, shout out. Don't breathe.
01:10:00
Speaker
Dude, don't breathe this fucking crazy. That is. Come in the turkey baster? You ever see Don't Breathe, Jake? Nope. Oh, you should. What a shocker. ah There's also a kill. He sets off a grenade in a guard dude's pants, and he calls it a stocking stuffer. yeah Did you catch what he said when he was running away?
01:10:25
Speaker
Stocking stuffer. He's like no. Yeah, I want he said you said I gotta watch this and ah And then he went ho ho holy shit no
01:10:38
Speaker
We come back to the living room where it screws the sides. The in-laws wouldn't know where the money is, so he threatens to kill Linda, ah which triggers Jason. He's like, nah, dude, I stole the money ahead of time. I was going to run away and get out from this terrible family, ah but it's pure coincidence that you're here. That's happened. Yeah.
01:11:01
Speaker
Uh, we cut to the gingerbread and candy cane have finally found, uh, Trudy. Thank God. And there's a nail sticking out of the ladder into the attic and gingerbread's like, you fucking idiot. We can see this. Obviously we know, but little did he know that the step below it pre-sliced the step below was pre-sliced when he steps on it he falls through and he takes a ah nail right to the fucking jaw i will say when i watched that the first time i didn't i literally went over a verbal oh yeah the the shock factor is there dude basically the nail like right under your chin it went like up through his little chinny chin chin and you can see it sticking into his mouth yeah
01:11:52
Speaker
but in front of his tongue but behind his front teeth. You know what I'm saying? I want a detailed explanation of this. ah Candy King decides to go up and this is when Trudy releases some bowling balls. ah Yeah. And she has to dodge. And then this fucking gingerbread and fucking smash with bowling balls to his face. He falls on like a boar with nails. Yeah.
01:12:22
Speaker
Yeah, it's like a welcome mat with nails and then gets fucking smacked with a bowling ball To like fucking put the nail in the coffin get it. That was gay. Sorry That was a nail out of his ass and it's like looking at it Yeah, why is he fucking looking at it? Yeah, see how long it is if I get some hard. Yeah, what a long nail butto he Literally pulls it out of his ass and just starts staring at it for like a minute like he's gonna sound himself with the nail and He's got a what? Sound himself? You know what sounding is? No. No. Well, it's the sexual pleasure of putting things up your pee hole. Oh, cloud sounding? Sounding, yeah. Because when you do it, it's going to make some kind of sound regardless. You're going to make a sound. Yeah. i mean yeah you're going to make ah
01:13:07
Speaker
ah yeah that's That's rough. Yeah. oh Watch it on Pornhub. I don't want to. Yeah, you don't. Candy Cane, she gets stuck in goo? What is this? and Oh, it's my cum. And she tries to pull herself out of it, and her hair rips out of her fucking head. She got scared out of her fucking head. She got scalped.
01:13:33
Speaker
And then Trudy starts slingshotting like Balls at her and then switches to a dumbbell which I'll be honest She takes a slingshot of a dumbbell to the head and just like brushes it off. Yeah Also, this is where this dumb bitch should die bare minimum. You're getting a concussion but yeah her nose is broken everything that was like a 30 pound dumbbell orbital socket so how is Trudy picking that up exactly also this dumb bitch should jive because she's got no other plan besides the dumbbell she should jive she's about candy cane is about to shoot Trudy right in the fucking head and then Santa wax her with his hammer not his cock
01:14:21
Speaker
well ah the The sledgehammer that he calls. Yeah, and he has Trudy turn around and like cover her her eyes and sing jingle bells or her ears And he smashes candy canes a head in with a sledgehammer That week we but cut back to the family who's being escorted to the nativity scene outside Which is where Jason hid the money and Gertrude's proud of him. So you got some real shit you pulled off there and ah They find the money and Scrooge instructs the team to kill the hostages.
01:14:54
Speaker
And then Alva, Burt and Linda oh are arguing over who Krampus should kill first. ah And they end up beating the shit out of him with some fire spokes. And he takes one through his neck. Right to the neck. Santa and Trudy show up.
01:15:16
Speaker
Uh. Also, that happened because Scrooge ah leaves on a snowmobile with one of the dudes with all the money. So it's just like Krampus left with the the family. He takes what's her bitch. The the major. Yeah, the matriarch. Trudy reconnects with her family. ah Santa has no idea how to use a gun. He calls me gizmos in this movie. Shout out Gremlins. Yep. Uh.
01:15:45
Speaker
And then Linda's like sniping the fucking evac team. it except She misses like every shot. She's like, I know how to use a gun. I went hunting. And then the only shot she makes is she shoots a guy in the balls. She's doing it semi-auto, like just hold down the trigger. And then Santa kind of flanks him with his sledgehammer and he uses snowballs. Yeah.
01:16:08
Speaker
That's fun. And he follows after Scrooge on a snowmobile, on a, I'm sorry, on a, so like a board. Look like a surfboard. On my surfboard. and I got hanging 10. Maybe Jesus's crib from the nativity scene. Yeah. Cause he, he was like, Jesus Christ. And then he picks it up and like wax the guy with Jesus.
01:16:33
Speaker
ah Jason and Linda have a are about to kiss randomly And some guard shows up and they have no more ammo in their gun ah And like you guys said get smack with fucking Jesus And Santa somehow is able to just magically catch up to these snowmobiles and slides down some hill Well, he's magic off a jump GTA jump unlocked ah and just takes the ah over the snowmobile. We should say here there was a little scene where Gertrude tried to like take the guard's gun. He just throws Gertrude off the snowmobile with the gun. So Gertrude has a gun and she's in the woods somewhere.
01:17:14
Speaker
ah
01:17:16
Speaker
We cut back and there is a there's a struggle with the guard and Linda and Jason and guard the guard is choking out Linda and she stabs him in the throat with an icicle. Good. Fuck him. Yeah. Do you think that an icicle can get that sharp? Like when it, as soon as it goes in your neck, when you start melting a hundred percent, it could be that sharp. So there, there are legit stories of people dying from icicles. That's scary. Yeah. That shit's real. Yeah. Real as fuck, boy. Unlike God and Santa. Yes. They're not real. Sorry. I couldn't find my mouse.
01:17:50
Speaker
Uh, you want mine? Thanks, dude. Jake, it's time to showcase your new mouse that you were... Oh yeah, look at this disco ball. ... yesterday. RGB mouse? Yeah, look at this disco ball shit. What brand you got? Is that Razor? It's not Razor, it's SteelSeries. SteelSeries. Ooh, I got a Logitech, John. I got one of them. I got one of them in my closet. I have on, Jake.
01:18:15
Speaker
Nice. On my sock. Put that on the podcast. Turn me on. On microphones are dog shit. Don't buy them. That's Walmart brand. Yep. So Santa pursued after Scrooge and he's standing in front of this...
01:18:32
Speaker
Like, abandoned house waiting. He's like, come on, dude. And Santa falls for this fucking stupid trap. And he crashes his snowmobile into a tree stump that Scrooge was standing in front of. Kind of just jumps out of the way. And he goes flying into this abandoned house. And Scrooge, Scrooge shoots all of his bullets into know this house. um And while he's looking for Santa, he finds Santa's a little scroll, which is how Santa identifies everybody. And now believe that it's the real Santa.
01:19:02
Speaker
Let's go. And we get the, you know, when you love Halloween dies tonight, you get in this movie, Christmas dies tonight. Now we just need Easter dies tonight. We need Thanksgiving dies tonight. We need Arbor day. Wishday Arbor day. What's Arbor day? but celebrate The trees and shit. All right. That definitely needs to die die. That one dies tonight. We have fourth of July dies tonight. It's purge.
01:19:30
Speaker
We suck. Fuck the Purge. That movie's fucking terrible. I honestly, it makes me, I get a rationally angry about the Purge. I'm gonna fuck you in the ass and like kind of like ah ah American Psycho style, but you're gonna be watching the Purge as I fuck you. Who are you talking to? Me. Do you think the Purge is good? No. It's fine. No, you're wrong. Fine is even too much. I don't know why everybody be sucking Ethan Hawke's dick walking around in the dark. It's crazy.
01:19:58
Speaker
People are like, oh look, Ethan Hawke, he's walking in this room in his dark cinema. Isn't that like most Ethan Hawke movies? Yes, that's my point! Fucking stupid. Fuck Sinister. Yo, fuck, actually I won't say fuck, it was actually decent. I was gonna say fuck the black phone, but it's it's not it's not that bad. It's average. Sinister's better than the black phone. That's crazy. That's a Yikes Kebab with Jerry if I ever heard one. well Jake, you've seen none of these movies? Nope. yeah no one's No one's surprised.
01:20:33
Speaker
ah Hopefully, if you stayed till the end, you got a little tiny Nick tangent. So they have a ah sword and knife, a little ice pickaxe fight. Santa takes a pickaxe to the ass.
01:20:48
Speaker
Yeah, he does. I mean, you could probably get a David Harbor Santa Claus skin in Minecraft for sure. Oh, you could probably make it yourself. What do you do like custom Minecraft skin net? OK, nerd. Also, there's there's a random there's a random chimney that's like not.
01:21:12
Speaker
Connected to anything? Yeah, what's this bullshit? It's not near the house. Is it a pizza oven? What's going on here? Is this Hitler's fucking home base? What is going on here? A lot of chimneys. Hitler was never in Connecticut. Come on. Hey, Hitler. Hey, even Hitler knew how bad Connecticut was. He wasn't going to step foot in there. A fucking godforsaken state. He he was like, da, Yavanto, go to Connecticut. 9-9-9.
01:21:41
Speaker
Exactly. By the way, air the arrow in glorious bastards came out. I forgot about it. I'm so fucking hyped. It's import only though, isn't it? I was in American. rule I don't give a fuck. Don't you already have the 4K steel? I don't have a steel. I have a 4K. Oh, just a 4K drawn. So basically, Santa gets crucified to this fucking ah chimney.
01:22:06
Speaker
and his hand yeah shadow out he yeah he's not real war we Wait Jesus is real. Yes this was real dude, you but Christ is also God in some people's eyes who's not real God's not real. Christ was unreal. Some people think God and Jesus are the same person. Some people say, keep Christ in Christmas. I say, get the fuck out of Christmas, all right? I say, live off of that. I say, live moss in Christmas. Shout out Taco Bell.
01:22:39
Speaker
I've actually never had Taco Bell. Shout out Carlos. ah He was supposed to take me. He hasn't taken me yet. Taco Bell is preparing your order. but Nick, I want you to know the first time you go to Taco Bell, you're gonna shit your pants out. yeah I already have IBS as it is. Oh, then this is gonna wipe you out. I'll be OBS. Remember OBS? Shout out to the last episode we did. Alright, actually I think that was uh...
01:23:03
Speaker
That's Harry Potter, isn't it? Harry Potter. harryapper Harry Bapper. Harry Bapper. Thank you. You want to see my fucking Harry Clopper? Let's get through the rest of this. Let's wrap this shit up. So he's about to murder Inc. Santa Claus and he pulls his hand through the ice pick to block it and he does a little nose tap and goes through the Uh, sugar sugar. Exactly. Which obliterates ah Scrooge. Like this guy's head explodes, his arms explodes. Now he's just, you know, body bob ripped open the torso. And it's raining. It's raining blood. ah Shout out Slayer. I was. Yeah, I was going to say i was I was going to say Evil Dead 2013, but not to that level. ah Which Jake hasn't seen. No, of course not.
01:23:52
Speaker
So it's Lily ran blood, but he gets shot by Thorpe. It's blown up. He gets fucking lit up by Thorpe. and Thorpe at the finish of the job. And then Gertrude shows up with the little pistol and goes, pew, pew, pew. Kills that. Watch out. Gertrude packing that nine. Right. ah So Santa's laying there basically dead. The family wants to save him. And Jason decides to burn all the money to keep him warm. But he dies anyways. So who gives a fuck? You waste all that. You wasted $300 million dollars in fire, dude. Just trying to save Santa Claus.
01:24:27
Speaker
Then they all go around the room and say, I believe in Santa Claus and he comes back to life. Uh, the reindeer return. And he's like, where the fuck were you guys? And they tell him, bro, we were getting your spare sack. Like like question why? and Because they left before his sack got burnt. And how'd they know? Exactly. Their magic.
01:24:49
Speaker
Well, it's supposed to be like a joke, I'm pretty sure. But yeah, two sacks. Santa had two sacks. Two sacks. One. Some of us barely have one. Shout out me. I have enough skin for three. Basically, that's the end of the movie. ah We've made it through this in a wild episode. Yeah. I initially had this. I watched this back when it came out in theaters at a four star. I did drop it to a three and a half because that one girl kind of ruined it.
01:25:14
Speaker
True. I'm also giving this movie a three and a half. It is a fun movie.
Film Rating and Conclusion
01:25:19
Speaker
Is it one of the all time classic Christmas movies now? No. No. But is the Steelbook fire? Yes. Steelbook is gorgeous. Jake, what are you going to give it? I don't remember what I read in it.
01:25:36
Speaker
Well, Jake's doing that. I wrote in my review that there's McRinge moments, but you know what? It's not a franchise sequel, prequel, or remake, and it's fucking goddamn a fun time. That's all you want. That's all I want in my movies nowadays, you know? Yeah, you said that in movies. Yeah, you just want fun, because if it's fun, it's good according to you. Right. That's not right.
01:26:00
Speaker
I'm going to give it a three. ah Less than us. Yeah, I'm going to give it a three because a lot of the people in this movie just deserve to die. Well, I think that's the point. You're supposed to hate them. This is the problem is that is that Jake is too literal.
01:26:16
Speaker
Yeah, very very fun. No, I don't My life really revolves around seriousness in that patch of hair on the front of your head. Hi, you're done That's not a how you darn you should be banned from fucking using that word. All right, uh, it's time to just fall Jake just fell out of his chair on the podcast with your rip-off dx racer Gerald hit us with a plug it in plug it in So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail dot.com. Follow us on letterboxed. Follow us on tick tock while it's still active and send us a voicemail at five oh eight eight fist us or five oh eight eight dip tip.
01:27:06
Speaker
Yeah, do all that. Check out the clips. ah Jake, do you want to plug your letterbox that you never use? No. okay all that All that shit is down in the description. all that in yeah um Well, Jake, thank you so much for joining us on a very fun episode of Violent Night. ah We appreciate your commentary.
01:27:24
Speaker
um Next week, we are putting out an episode on Oh, it's finally gonna happen, dude. We could actually start talking about it. Poughkeepsie tapes. Let's go. I'm actually excited for that one. I have watched the Poughkeepsie tapes.
01:27:43
Speaker
You went to fucking weird movies, man. we um We've been referencing Poughkeepsie tapes. I personally have referenced Poughkeepsie tapes several times. ah And we recorded this way back um when we first started the the inception of this podcast. We did this. It's been a minute. So there is no sound buttons. There's no board. There's no plug it in, plug it in. ah Fourth wall break.
01:28:09
Speaker
We recorded the ah Poughkeepsie tape same day as Alien Romulus. So that's coming out next week. Be on the lookout for that. um And until next time, we will see you guys. Toodles. Bye. Mark, fuck you.