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EP. 60 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
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Transcript
Inappropriate Jokes and Podcast Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
That a shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:27
Speaker
a
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrub in the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
00:00:55
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 60 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast, a.k.a. the Hemorrhoid Homies, a.k.a. the Poet Town Boys that were hospitalized.
00:01:07
Speaker
I'm back, though. I'm out. My name is Nick. I'm joined as always by the edgelord himself, Gerald. That's me. And today we continue our journey in the Pirates of the Caribbean.
00:01:20
Speaker
Caribbean. Carabiner. Cut that. yeah Why? i wonder I can say that. Carabiner. That's the little the little John that you clip on things. Yeah, right. That's just not how I meant it.
00:01:32
Speaker
Oh, yeah, yeah. There's no carabiners in this movie. It's all right. don't think. Maybe they cast some. They just kind of covered them in paint and put them in the woods. Yeah, you got some yamins, though.
00:01:43
Speaker
Some definite yamins in this movie. Some, like, really sketchy yamins. This one is, uh, this is, this is Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest. That's what we're reviewing today.
Engaging with Listeners
00:01:55
Speaker
Make official. That's Dos. Dos, Pyro, Dos. Let's do, Plug it in, plug in.
00:02:06
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com. No hard. There either. Please.
00:02:17
Speaker
No, please. Uh, unless you Unless you are Yameen, then i guess in the voicemail you can say it. Speaking of that. I think you should drop a soft A if you're Yameen.
00:02:30
Speaker
Yeah, Yameens, please. Soft A's, no hard R's. Soft A's only, please. We are a family podcast, after all. Are we? Yeah, we're age appropriate. Follow us on YouTube and TikTok for the clips when they start coming popping up.
00:02:45
Speaker
No hard R's there either. No hard R's. We won't say any hard R's because we don't want to get canceled. Right. Also, that's just racist. Yeah, it's fucked up. Don't do it. That's fucking racist.
Personal Anecdotes and Movie Review Approach
00:02:58
Speaker
Send us a voicemail. Fist us. Dip tip. Six minute limit. dip tip six minute limit Follow us on Letterboxd for all our movie reviews that we don't review on the pod.
00:03:12
Speaker
Ron. Ron. Yo, I got a fucking follow, I think. But it wasn't a guy like I knew. that Who was it? I think his fucking name's Jorge or some shit.
00:03:24
Speaker
Jorge? Shout out to Jorge. Ron's a whore, bro. Hey, yo. Uh-oh.
00:03:32
Speaker
How do I find it? Go to your followers? How do I find that? ah Followers. you can't find your followers, how the fuck are you? He unfollowed me.
00:03:44
Speaker
Yeah, I get it. That's fucked. You just called his mother a whore. Hey, fucking bitch. I'm coming after you.
00:03:54
Speaker
Yo, if you followed me on Letterboxd and unfollowed me, bro, watch your poor yeah that your fucking six, bro. I'm coming. ah Also, if you're interested in physical media, go listen to our other podcast.
00:04:09
Speaker
Yeah, you want it you available Available on our Two Guys, One Screen page. We just talked about our physical media pickups now.
00:04:20
Speaker
That's it. we We switched it over to there because we, you know... We don't go shopping as much as we used to because, you know, I'm i'm just fucking poor. And Nick has a lot of no nick has a lot of tire issues. But when we do go when we do go shopping, we do it big.
00:04:38
Speaker
boys. Big. voyage big I just flashed my haul today to the camera. Flash his fucking rod. will if you ask. His rod rockstone. If you say fucking please, daddy.
00:04:50
Speaker
Yeah, my my cars my car had a tire pressure light. I went in to get that addressed, and they were like, $800, please. You're like, no. Yeah, what the fuck? Who do I look like?
00:05:03
Speaker
Fucking Rockefeller over here. I got part of the work done, which Grant told me at like $513, and I'm driving home, and ah the fucking tire pressure light comes on.
00:05:18
Speaker
Did you get my text? I said, go back. Yeah. So, i I mean, if I went back, we'd probably not be recording for another two hours. We probably would started like 10. ah But I did reset the calibration.
00:05:29
Speaker
And it has not come back on yet. Yeah, it hasn't come back on yet. You don't think they would do it? Yeah, i mean, they're but, you know. Should dox the company i went to or I should just leave it? Well, it's just fucking Mavis, right? Like everybody has Mavis. Maybe you're listening. Fuck you, Mavis.
00:05:45
Speaker
Fuck you, Mavis. every I'm pretty sure like even if it's just an East Coast thing, you know, fuck you, Mavis. Yeah, the guy today when he was talking me, he's like, yeah, you can bring this to anywhere across the country, what he said to me.
00:05:57
Speaker
Oh, so maybe they're countrywide. Fuck you, Mavis. Yeah, whatever. Except for the one in Chelsea because or near Chelsea because the guy took too long and then just did it for free because he took too long.
Critique of 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest'
00:06:08
Speaker
Shout out to that one guy. Shout out to you, dude. Yeah, whoever that guy is, shout to you. Anybody else? Well, fuck you. We want to shout out? Yeah, fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you.
00:06:20
Speaker
All right, so... We're reviewing Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest. This came out 2006, one year before the UR podcast. They took, like, three years off.
00:06:34
Speaker
They did. um i don't know what they were doing because ah they weren't making the CGI look good. That's for sure. No, I warned you. Yeah, you did. i will But i will then this third one comes out a year after this.
00:06:49
Speaker
And then they take a four-year break. And then they take a six-year break. Disney just, niy you know. Yeah. I will say this is, ah for some reason, I have not seen all the pirate movies, but this is the one that we had on like DVD at home when I was a kid. So I've seen this one the most times out all of them.
00:07:10
Speaker
Disney on DVD. DVD menu. You even sent me that the menu's lit. at that skull talking to you. The skull starts talking, bro. I was like, this is fire. Because the 4K of the first one didn't have that.
00:07:22
Speaker
Right. ah But like this. It's a nice charm. Yeah, it does. Disney did do a lot of nice ah menu stuff back in the day. Yeah, they don't have the games.
00:07:33
Speaker
Now they don't care. Now it's just a money, a cash cow, and they're milking it. Can see your milkers? All right. We have milkers, people. Very blurry milkers because Zencaster sucks. Yeah.
00:07:49
Speaker
But the start of this movie really got intrigued because, ah you know, I haven't seen this one. And I probably only saw this once. du The beginning the fucking great. I love the beginning. It's so good. It's dark. And like, yeah I was like yo, this is gritty and spooky and not boring, not boring. And then like, you know, our like.
00:08:07
Speaker
hour and a half you're like oh like 45 minutes you're like damn is it over yet honestly um this is directed by gore verbinski who would go on to direct the third installment as well the movie is 151 minutes i did bring the button back
00:08:25
Speaker
way too fucking long can we cut these movies down a little shorter guys little bit little bit you know and like uh i hate to tell you ah spoiler alert Part three is 169 minutes.
00:08:39
Speaker
So even longer. and We're just not going to review that movie.
00:08:44
Speaker
We're just not going to do it even longer. That one is close. Very close to three hours for what?
00:08:53
Speaker
I don't know what tell you what this. I mean, granted, I have not sell our rating yet. I'm sure talking to you will help me settle my rating. But ah it is a three point seven on Letterboxd right now, which is high. And I don't know if I agree with that.
00:09:05
Speaker
I give the first one a four and a half. I I now like cherish that movie. Honestly, i love that movie. um This... so
00:09:20
Speaker
We'll go over the newcomers to the cast. We're not going to talk about... You know, go listen to our first episode for the first time. We got Johnny Orlando and Kira. Right. So we got Stellan Skarsgård, who plays William Bootstrap Bill Turner.
00:09:36
Speaker
And I looked it up. He is the father of Bill and Alexander. My father... That's a crazy acting. Yeah, huh? Yeah, fucking honestly, dude. Yo, Davy Jones, bro.
00:09:49
Speaker
I was getting nothing but Joker shit every time he was talking. He was like, lick his lips. say Oh, just say like his mannerisms. Yeah.
00:09:59
Speaker
I'm not fucking selling Skarsgård just for the record. I would all fuck his sons. Yeah, his sons can fucking get it. Especially as Pennywise. I'll dick you down. Yeah, just like look at look at both my testicles, but like each eye goes a different way.
00:10:16
Speaker
yeah do you think Do you think it's the same like the face paint theme, the whole all white and like little accents of red, just his whole body. So like his whole chest is white and there's like a little red accent, red accent, red accent. button Yeah.
00:10:29
Speaker
I hope so. His butthole is just white cheeks and a little red dot for asshole. That would crazy. He'd look like a do-do-do-do-do. A little bit. Yeah, ah tiny bit.
00:10:41
Speaker
Bill Nige, I believe his name is, plays Davy Jones. And I do think he was in The Deathly House Part 1. Oh, is He's ah Rufus Scrimjob.
00:10:52
Speaker
Right, yeah, the guy that just fucking vanishes. Or he got killed or something. Shout Scrimjob. Yeah. I do remember that joke. He gets tortured then like and like murdered, I'm pretty sure.
00:11:03
Speaker
Shmitty. Shmitty. And then we have Naomi Harris plays Tia Dalma. She... Not in this movie. I ain't touching her in this movie.
00:11:14
Speaker
Nah, she's like... Bellatrix Lestrange's teeth were bad. Her teeth are bad. Yeah, and it's not just because she's in Na... I'll touch a Na-Mean, like, all the time, you know? All the time.
00:11:25
Speaker
Wow.
00:11:30
Speaker
Oh, man. Cut that. Wow. Yeah, i definitely cut that. ah But... She do got it going on. And she's like a voodoo bitch.
00:11:42
Speaker
Outside of this movie, she got it going on. But unfortunately, in this movie, she did not got it going on. Who do you voodoo, bitch? He ain't fucking it.
00:11:50
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. I knew she looked familiar. She is in the 007, like the James Bond ah trilogy. I thought she looked familiar. Who else we got on here that's worth shouting out?
00:12:02
Speaker
Anybody else that I missed?
00:12:06
Speaker
I feel like not, right? Everybody else is the same. Not really. Everybody else is kind of like... Gay? Yeah, they're just kind of part of the crew or in the previous film.
Key Scenes and Character Dynamics
00:12:20
Speaker
Yeah, or in the previous film. So if you want to hear us read the cast for the a previous film, go listen to the first episode. My ear is so itchy today. Yeah. You want it? Oh, we got Tom Hollander who plays Cutler Beckett. He's a new addition.
00:12:37
Speaker
Who fuck is Cutler Beckett? He's a new British guy who's in of the right. He's a new villain, right? Yeah, he's a new big bad. We got David Scofield who plays Ian Mercer. He's his right hand. I forgot his name after his first appearance.
00:12:50
Speaker
So I'm not going to have it ready. I don't think my favorite dude had a fucking name, did he? The fucking Hammerhead Shark dude? He probably did, but I mean, how can we tell what it is from this list?
00:13:03
Speaker
Yeah. Because that guy's cool as shit. Cool as fuck.
00:13:09
Speaker
All right, so if you're new to the podcast, we do a scene-by-scene breakdown of all of every movie, basically. Every movie ever. Yeah, in life. So this is a long one. So strap in, strap on, im and plug it in take it out, whatever you want.
00:13:27
Speaker
Stick it wherever you want it. This movie did come out 2006, post-9-11, pre-2007.
00:13:34
Speaker
We're right in that like little gap. we little you youre This is when WWE's popping off. Yo, for real, Chris Benoit didn't do the shit yet? Not yet. Not yet. Give it a year, though.
00:13:46
Speaker
Are we going just start doing pre-post Chris Benoit? Is it pre-post 9-11? I think we should. Yo, this is post-Chris Benoit.
00:13:58
Speaker
This post-Chris Benoit murdering his family. If you know, you know. That's all saying. you you know. You know who we did miss? We didn't miss anybody. Never mind.
00:14:08
Speaker
Here we go. So the movie opens with... Basically opens with the title card off the rip. Yeah, it was kind of weird. Some dark water and the title card. And we see...
00:14:22
Speaker
Elizabeth on her wedding day and it's raining and it is raining. It looks hot. It looks like it's trashed and scattered. And she looks a little, little sad. There ain't nobody there.
00:14:33
Speaker
And there's a little montage. I'd leave her trashed and scattered. I would do. I mean, she has to be one of the hottest a nightly hit me up I would slurp up her snail trail any day.
00:14:48
Speaker
What is a snail trail? Just like juices? Yeah, whatever whatever's flowing out of that pussy, dude. Oh, wow. Yeah, even blood amount.
00:14:58
Speaker
What is amount? Oh, yeah yeah. Have you piped down on a period before? No, of you? Yeah. oh Were you protected?
00:15:09
Speaker
I'm pleading the fifth. I will say I've only ever... Don't tell anybody. I've only used protection once, ever. i piped a girl down on her period and afterward was immediately grossed out. Yeah. Was like, I can't believe i did that.
00:15:29
Speaker
You pulled out and he's like, I didn't eat. ah I didn't eat. I was, I mean, I was horny enough. I didn't eat it. No, mean, I kept my mouth. No, that's that's a big no. My rods went in there only my little fucking two inch rod.
00:15:40
Speaker
Right. And then your penis matched your hair. Yeah, I get it. My dude, the pubes already matched my hair. Right. But then like your actual shaft. My shaft looked like... Paint me red.
00:15:53
Speaker
Yeah, shout out to Avatar. My dick looked like I had like put red food coloring all over it. That's kind of disgusting, actually. The smell is actually, to me, more disgusting than what it looked like.
00:16:05
Speaker
Try living with a woman when they're on their period, bro. Yeah. Shout out of that. Let's not shout out that woman, actually. why do you people Why do you keep liking our Instagram posts?
00:16:17
Speaker
Yeah, that's a little strange, yeah. um So we're at the beginning. and That's finally 19 minutes in.
00:16:28
Speaker
It's been worse. Perfect. ah We see the Navy pulling up to this little port, Port Royal. They're scurrying in the boat. Right. And the Redcoats have a ah arrested Wilton.
00:16:41
Speaker
And yo, the motherfucking British are coming, dog. Hey, yo, you're the fucking Paul Revere, huh? Hey, yo, and they coming to get my boy Wilton.
00:16:53
Speaker
Uh... he's arrested, and Governor Swan showed with his whole fucking wig and shit, his powdered wig. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what is the meaning of this? He got the freshly powdered wig on. He's like, what the fuck is going on right now? He's like, that's my daughter and her soon-to-be husband.
00:17:09
Speaker
Who I despised in the last movie because he was poor, and now I'm okay with it. Yeah, but then I eventually don't like him again. Like, I can't choose. I can't decide on this guy. I'm kind of just fucking annoying the whole time.
00:17:22
Speaker
I'm just kind of here for plot. Yeah. You think I'm wearing this wig to keep my head warm? That's the only line I have. That's true. Yeah. And he's like, you can't arrest Will, to my son-in-law.
00:17:34
Speaker
And Lord Beckett is now in charge. and Yeah, I can't say that. they're but i well I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking the same thing. Yeah.
00:17:45
Speaker
He hands over a warrant to arrest. He thinks it's a warrant to arrest Will, but it's actually a warrant to arrest Elizabeth. did it slick, too. Juan's like... I said Juan.
00:17:59
Speaker
Juan. Yo. Governor Juan.
00:18:06
Speaker
Um... Oh, you're being arrested. Freeze, you're under arrest.
00:18:18
Speaker
Don't worry. Your food still takes 15 minutes in jail. Yeah. We feed you dog who have keys.
00:18:26
Speaker
Come here, papa. That was craziest... That was crazy, like, uh... green inferno type beat in this movie the dog they basically yeah yeah um yeah we'll get there uh he did it he did it nice and slick he's like he's like let me see this and it was like oh this is for elizabeth yeah he's like what the fuck you arrested my daughter too he's like oh yeah here's the one for will sorry yeah we got warrants for elizabeth and for will um
00:19:01
Speaker
So we also find out that Commodore Norrington's no longer in charge and he resigned from his position. But Lord Beckett is looking for that man because they all charged with setting a man free who was set to death.
00:19:16
Speaker
Essentially the end of the first movie, they free Jack who's about to be hung. And Commodore Norrington did let them go. So consequences. Shout out John Wick. Oh, so he asks if they know Jack Sparrow, and they're like, Captain Jack Sparrow. And he's like, yeah, I thought so.
00:19:35
Speaker
And we cut to Gibbs, who is he's drunk. He's hanging out at night on the Pearl. Night. Sing that Bala rum song. um Gibbs is like low key. One of my favorite characters.
00:19:50
Speaker
Yeah, he's cool, right? I like I fuck with that dude. You know, he reminds me of fuck's that dude from Peter Pan. Shmi. Is that his name? Yeah, I don't know. I think Shmi is Anakin's mom. Oh, that yeah.
00:20:01
Speaker
ah She got gang-binged by sand people. Not Arabs. No, not... No. No.
00:20:13
Speaker
Yeah. It sounds similar from a distance. ah boom We can't keep that, right? That's... Can't stay. No, the... You know, Captain Hook's, like, main boy.
00:20:25
Speaker
Yeah, don't Isn't it Schmi? I'm going to tell you. Schmitty? Schmitty. Let's go with Schmit. I don't know what his name was. I honestly don't know. Let's Schmit. ah You put it in my fucking Schmit right now? Hey, yo.
00:20:39
Speaker
Fuck my gooch. I looked at your mom's schlit. Fuck my pooch. Fuck my pooch. That was from Friday the 13th. Did you forget about that bit? I already i forgot about it too. Then I heard it on the episode and I was like, oh yeah, we were doing Fuck My Pooch.
00:20:53
Speaker
That bitch was looking for her dog and they're like, dogs are ready. She's like, fuck my pooch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't get that far yet. Fuck my pooch. All right. Um... So we see ah randomly just see some prisoners being escorted into a prison and a man getting dragged by his ankle, just scrape it against the fucking floor.
00:21:13
Speaker
I always, that scene has always stuck with me. I was like, oh, and then like, there's a dude being eaten alive by crows. Yeah. ah Yo, you see his eyeballs out. They literally pull his eye out in a Disney movie.
00:21:24
Speaker
Wild. We're off to a good start. Yeah. Then I can't whistle. Yeah, like Nagasaki, but less. But, you know, less radiation and chaos.
00:21:37
Speaker
Right, I mean, it is hot in my apartment right now, but not as hot as it was on that day we dropped the bombs. Yeah, we ain't getting vaporized. The fucking day we gave Japan that one-two punch.
00:21:53
Speaker
They just look up and oh shit! Oh shit! no Gojua! Yeah. Literally. um The next cut is, it's up like a cliff of this, this, this prison's on a cliff essentially. And these men are lobbing coffins into the cliff into some rocky waters.
00:22:13
Speaker
And we follow, one coffin and there's a crow pecking it. He's pecking this wood. Yo, uh, I told you Jack got that fucking meat on him. The crow knows what's up.
00:22:25
Speaker
You got that meat and that fucking Glock on him because he shoots the fucking a hole in the coffin and pops out. And he uses skeleton leg from within the coffin to row his little coffin boat to the Black Pearl.
00:22:39
Speaker
He uses it as an oar. He pulls up with a cloth, a piece of cloth. And Gibbs asked Jack he got what he wanted. Want it?
00:22:50
Speaker
Did you get it? Because I want it And he's like, yeah, I got it. got this little piece of fucking cloth here. And the crew and Gibbs are kind of pissed. Like, we were expecting some fucking real shit because, like, we couldn't take the treasure from the last film.
00:23:02
Speaker
There was some hurricane in between films. And then the Navy been on our ass for a minute. He's like, what I got here, yo. Yeah. This is going to change our lives.
00:23:14
Speaker
And then Cotton's bird tells him to walk the plank. Also, Jack the monkey back. and Fuck that bitch. He's still a little zombie monkey, and he comes by. Why is he still a zombie, by the way?
00:23:28
Speaker
I don't know. The curse got reversed. Right. Maybe it doesn't matter. Seed? Bride? Mm-hmm. I was playing Bride this month. I go see it. Yeah, because that's the only good one after two.
00:23:42
Speaker
i want Is 3 the military camp one? Yeah, fuck that one. I hate that one. Yeah, fuck that one. Okay. yeah I agree with you. 2 is good. You're right. ah So Jack the Monkey takes his cloth and Sparrow shoots him even though he's undead.
00:23:57
Speaker
And that's little there's a little midget in this movie. We forgot to mention him. He's a pirate. He's a little cute midget. he He probably would get thrown at that dartboard in Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah.
00:24:08
Speaker
He's not Warwick Davis. They missed an opportunity. out to Warwick Davis. ah The cloth is just a drawing of a key. It's not actually a key. It's a weird key.
00:24:19
Speaker
it's like ah two It's like a two-pronged John, you know? And I've been in my head relating Jack's issues with his compass to like ED. Because later in the film, Elizabeth's like, doesn't your compass work? my compass works.
00:24:34
Speaker
Yeah. i you know what? I can get it up. That's pretty valid. I have blue chew in my top drawer if you need some. Right, but like you said, you're in a ceasefire with bitches.
00:24:45
Speaker
That's true. But if get back those blue chews. Yo, more than one, you're fucking done, dude. It's like Viagra. um I'll be honest, though. every Every match I've gotten on a dating app has been fake. I'm kind of sick of it.
00:24:59
Speaker
Yo, I matched with this chick on Bumble, right? And she was like, oh, you play video games? And we went on like this whole talk for like 45 minutes and then just go on. That's gay. Like, don't fucking talk to me then.
00:25:12
Speaker
Yeah. That's rude. So, ah Jack looks at his compass because they want to know where to go, and the compass is not focusing in ah on a heading, on a direction for them to go.
Quest for Jack Sparrow's Compass
00:25:24
Speaker
And he just kind of points in a random direction, and Gibbs says that there's something vexing Jack.
00:25:31
Speaker
Whoa. ah We cut to Lord Beckett's office where he's visited by Will Turner and the CGI here is who like really bad.
00:25:43
Speaker
Like I think we could have done better. I don't even know anything about that. Yeah, and we still probably could have done a little bit better. And ah the East India Company needs Turner's help doing a deal with Sparrow.
00:25:59
Speaker
um And there's this weird part where Beckett's like, yeah, Sparrow and I have done our deeds each other, what the fuck he says, and he has like a branding iron. And it's like a P? That P that Sparrow had in his wrist from the first one, I guess. Right.
00:26:12
Speaker
there He's like, yo, I straight up put my pee on his wrist, dog. Yo, but what's up? I fucking wrist fucked him. Yeah. I got wrist fucked couple years ago.
00:26:23
Speaker
Yeah. I'm thinking a wrist fuck is like kind of like a hand job, but you just kind of use your wrist like, yeah. If anybody out there got, man or woman got gotten nice wrists, think it'd be make for a good wrist job, let us know.
00:26:35
Speaker
Let us know. I'm down, dude. Yeah. I don't want like rug burn, though. You what mean? No, they got to be lotion. Yeah. and Like put some soft. Yeah, like, no Yamins for that one. Sorry.
00:26:47
Speaker
Uh-oh. Unless you got the cocoa. Yo, cocoa butter? um don't know what is. sounds something you eat. Cocoa butter? Yeah. Nah, bro. It's like the go-to for Yamins.
00:26:59
Speaker
You know I love the Yamin culture. I... Sup, dog? I don't even know what that means. I don't know.
00:27:10
Speaker
ah So anyways, they're in the office and they branded each other or whatever, which is at least it's two white guys branding each other. You tell you know what I mean That's right. Yeah, it's not yeah slavery type shit. Like, right, right. I mean, yeah, the slaves had brands and then the fucking Jews had barcodes, right? Like, I think they had I think they had numbers.
00:27:28
Speaker
They did. But beep. Right. This one's twenty four ninety nine. OK, like one Jew. Yeah. I mean, they could have had barcodes in this movie because they'd be like, oh, your soul's worth like three souls or four souls or whatever, you know?
00:27:45
Speaker
So it's like, oh, I need 99 souls. You're worth four of them. That's pretty good. They're like Agent 47, you know, Hitman. I've seen that movie. Oh, yikes. Yikes, Kebab Jerry. He's got the jaw on the back of his neck though, right?
00:27:58
Speaker
Yeah, he do. I did ball hit. We got to put that episode out. Yeah, we do. It's a long John Silver, we got to put it out.
00:28:08
Speaker
the
00:28:10
Speaker
It's only here for like one episode. Might as fucking have it, right? No, we got it for next episode or the next Pirates movie. i mean, we haven't had in a minute, so we should should we should use it. Get it in. We can't. Shut up. Ski.
00:28:23
Speaker
Ski. Ski.
00:28:26
Speaker
So Beckett's like, you're I have these papers to pardon you and Elizabeth, and you get me Jack's compass.
00:28:39
Speaker
He has to say compass because ah Will is like, oh, you want the black pearl? And he's like, no, i want the compass. I don't give a fuck about a boat. Yeah.
00:28:51
Speaker
ah We cut back to Jack Sparrow in like a little office and he's struggling to like use the map with the compass and figure out a path. And he's out of room. So he goes below the deck where the crew is sleeping and he runs into Bootstrap Bill.
00:29:07
Speaker
ah Who was sent to visit him by Davy Jones. Bootstrap Bill, if you remember, is Will's father. And he also got yeeted overboard and had a cannon strapped through his leg or whatever the fuck they strapped through his leg. And he got trapped above the ocean.
00:29:24
Speaker
And we find out in this scene that he made a deal with Davy Jones. And it's kind of this whole scene. i rewound it just to make sure I heard it right. But it is not very clear.
00:29:36
Speaker
But they do clarify it later. Essentially, you sell your soul 100 years on the ship. Yeah, like you're part of, forced to be in Davy Jones' crew. Right. And I guess that Jack Sparrow at some point had made ah deal with Mr. Davy Jones. I guess he needed the black, like he got the black pearl up for him.
00:29:59
Speaker
And then now it's his time to go serve. And on the way out, Bill marks Jack with the black spot. Yo, which is Harry Potter vibes.
00:30:12
Speaker
The dark mark, the black spot. You know, it's all the same. Yeah. And essentially this black spot is like a GPS tracker for a, as Jack calls it, a terrible beastie.
00:30:23
Speaker
That little brown skid mark in my shorts. young You mean? You're right. um So, yeah. ah Bill leaves and Jack is like freaked out. So he goes and awakens the crew. and He's like, we got to get ready, get the guns ready, whatever, whatever.
00:30:40
Speaker
And Gibbs is like, where are we going? And Jack's like, land. I don't care where the fuck at it is. Anywhere towards land. ah He's frightened. And Jack, the monkey, takes Sparrow's hat and the hat starts to float away. And Sparrow's like, leave it.
00:30:56
Speaker
And they're all freaked the fuck out that Sparrow wants to just leave his hat in the middle of the ocean. Because it's like a thing like his hat always was with him. Yeah, and he loves it. ah Some random... I wrote Turkish because the subtitles said they were speaking Turkish.
00:31:11
Speaker
Oh, there you go. Yeah, got yeah are you had subtitles, so you know what they were saying. I don't i don't watch movies with subtitles. so Oh, they aren't tell you they they don't tell you what they were saying. They just said speaking Turkish. That's what it said. Oh, that's fucking stupid.
00:31:24
Speaker
Yeah. So there's some Turkish sailors that find this hat, and then we watch the ship get inhaled by a a monster. uh we cut to will who's visiting liz liz is still in prison uh this whole scene's kind of gay but it and is pretty gay governor swan is very much against will going to find jack because jack would not give his life for will but will would give his life for jack that just screams best friend and will you jack me for life
00:31:56
Speaker
yeah Yes? What? Is that even a question? Swing and a miss. um And Will says he's going start in Tortuga. Remember that place? Yeah, where all pirates go.
00:32:07
Speaker
There's a montage of people at of Will asking people about where Spare would be, and no one knows. Someone says in Singapore. You've been there. I have been there. Did see him?
00:32:19
Speaker
No, I did not.
00:32:22
Speaker
Also, how would they see him? Their eyesight's limited. ratwell Singaporeans? They got the... Yeah, whatever. Oh, because they're fucking ours.
00:32:34
Speaker
Yeah, they're ours. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's alright. They joke bombed. Uh... We're doing nighttime recordings now. They have a different energy.
00:32:45
Speaker
They kind of do. Yeah, it's different. You know how it is. so well It's what it is. So there's one this one Na Amin did spot the Black Pearl. i don't know what the fuck this guy was saying. No, something about food. Yo, the big bumblebee. Yeah, he i mean literally was basically saying that.
00:33:03
Speaker
Yeah. ah And he brings ah Will Turner to that area and has his brother take Will in a rowboat. And then they're French.
00:33:13
Speaker
This dude's speaking like, he sounds like Jamaican and his brother's like full-blown French. He's like, uh-huh, suck on my back head. Yeah. Yeah, he's actually just, yeah. He's yeah did did Did they have subtitles for this guy or was it just speaking French?
00:33:31
Speaker
No, just speaking French. Lazy fucks at Disney. Yeah. Yeah. If it was Spanish, I could tell you what they were saying. Cause probably could have played it a few times and told you, but. Yo, I got, I got one of my hospital bills and i opened it. in audit How much? $379. That's not too bad.
00:33:49
Speaker
It was just for the CAT scan though. um Yo, the, bro, I didn't tell you the ambulance, just the ambulance, two grand. For an ambulance ride. Yeah, I knew that. Fuck a bad idea. Shout out to my aunt. Used to work like on an ambulance.
00:34:05
Speaker
EMT, I think they're called. Yeah.
Escapes and Chaotic Encounters
00:34:08
Speaker
ah So, he has to swim to shore. CGI looks real bad here. Yeah. and the boat. Real bad. um So he pulls up and the black pearl is just like docked. It's not docked. It's like pulled up on um the dirt.
00:34:24
Speaker
It's like shipwrecked. Marooned? No. not wrecked. Marooned's when you stranded somewhere. What the fuck's it called? Grounded?
00:34:35
Speaker
Something like that, yeah. Yeah. You want to ground me? um put me my Send me my room? like You to me face the corner? You've been a fucking bad boy, huh?
00:34:46
Speaker
They'll take your bad hand.
00:34:51
Speaker
ah yeah You've been a bad boy. You jerked off with your left hand, didn't you? Yeah. I used my fucking gauzed up right hand. get up in that fucking corner, you dunce.
00:35:02
Speaker
Put the fucking cone on head. You fucking freak. Yeah. Sit on that stool. Think about the bad things you've done. Fuck.
00:35:17
Speaker
You're grounded.
00:35:20
Speaker
so further notice. And you know when your grounding is up? Is when I need a firm fucking plow. but I thought I was like, gonna fuck you because you're grounded. But now we're saying...
00:35:36
Speaker
No. Hey, you want to get being grounded? Fuck me. Fuck me. Yeah. definitely a porn thing. Oh, for sure. Everywhere. Stepmom grounds stepson.
00:35:47
Speaker
Yeah, you got fat dick. I'll let you go to the party tonight. Oh, we got the fattest cocks, bro. By the way, I'll confirm this next week, but I'm pretty sure I hired somebody that has the exact same birth date and year as me.
00:36:01
Speaker
Weird. Right? Because my birthday is kind of odd. Well, Right? It's kind of overshadowed. No, I mean, you don't meet people who have that birthday.
00:36:12
Speaker
You know what mean? No, you don't meet people that have my birthday either. Except your big show. Well... Well, I'm gonna fish your ass.
00:36:25
Speaker
Alright. Because you're grounded? Yeah, exactly. and He got a bald head, too. Yeah, he got a bald head! Um... So... Will finds the grounded ship, starts fucking the cannon. i don't even know why I said that. What? It doesn't look like a mirror cannon.
00:36:47
Speaker
and please Can't fucking reach it. It's so big. big that It's a big ship on him. Yeah. Also, it's funny, later in the film, the sails have like big patches of like It looks like dy they're taped or whatever, but it's like massive patches of tape. It's just fucking stupid looking.
00:37:07
Speaker
Well, this boat's fucked. Yeah. That's why it's like funny that Jack cares so much about it. So... ah He's on he's like investigating the island, and and Cotton's parrot appears.
00:37:21
Speaker
And he goes, and he's like, oh, familiar face. Don't eat me. And he's like, why would I eat you? But we established in the first film that the parrot is speaking for Cotton.
00:37:33
Speaker
It's not speaking for the parrot. Because Cotton don't have no tongue. Right. the ah Yeah. I feel like those people in those special rooms in school, if you know what mean.
00:37:45
Speaker
is Is that where they put the ones with dis disabilities? I don't know. The short bus kids. The short bus kids. They got home run. Oh, man.
00:37:58
Speaker
um My mom's a bus monitor for those. For those? those. She gets spit on lot. I'm dead ass. You bad bus monitor.
00:38:11
Speaker
ah um ted out
00:38:17
Speaker
you bad muscle you bed bad bus motor hawk to
00:38:25
Speaker
ah we good You see your mom, she's like sitting on like... What? She's just like your mom would just sit on the bus like probably towards the front, I'd imagine. Yeah, yeah.
00:38:38
Speaker
Right? And she's just like kind of looking forward, looking at the window. The window! And some kid behind her has like his hands like on her seat and he's just like this. And the drool just Just some kid like this. Just puddles. All over her fucking shoulder. It's different kind of wet.
00:39:01
Speaker
That's
00:39:05
Speaker
gross. That's terrible. That's wrong. Me. That's what we're talking about if you didn't know.
00:39:13
Speaker
i don't even keep that. Let's find it out. Well, I think we are right. We make fun of everybody. Yeah, I drool in my sleep. I'm not i'm not saying only that. I wake up every day and my pillowcase is fucking soaked.
00:39:27
Speaker
And you're like, is this spit or cum? Right. Am cumming on my pillow? What's going on? um like Am I busting loads and shooting upwards? Like... i've shot I've shot upwards as far as my nipple before.
00:39:41
Speaker
You ever hit your eye, bro? I've hit busting your own eye? That's horrible. It burns. I think I told that story on a different episode. I put my kids in my eye. Oh, I did. i said i was trying to je i think I said I was trying to jerk off into a soda can, and and I hit my eye.
00:39:58
Speaker
How's that happen? You have the fucking soda can up like this. no, no. I had, I had, you know how like, got harded what exactly that one yeah you know how like when you're hard, your dick is just like up and it's kind of hard to angle it downwards.
00:40:14
Speaker
Well, yeah, you're not supposed to. You like break something. All right. This, we might have to, i don't know how much I want to keep in the podcast, but I'll tell you just so you know.
00:40:24
Speaker
Okay, so if you want to hear the story about the can, you guys can go to patreon.com slash don we don't exist yet and hear that. You want to stick it in my can? Just hit me up. Yeah, I don't need that getting back to anybody.
00:40:37
Speaker
and If you want that guy's email address, go to our Patreon.
00:40:42
Speaker
You can go back to so anybody if you pay us. Yeah, if you pay and you want to find out, you can pay. it'll Also, write let us know if you want to hear these things and we'll make a Patreon. We will literally make a Patreon. I don't give a fuck. We'll put... We could literally make a Patreon and not have bonus episodes and just put this shit unfiltered on there.
00:41:00
Speaker
Yeah, and get it like early too. No, you can't get it early because we can't do that. Never mind. Sometimes. When applicable. You could get... You could have got... If we had a Patreon last year, you could have got the entire Harry Potter franchise before it came out.
00:41:13
Speaker
That would have wild. All of it. You could have got the first draft of Half-Blood Prince. Yikers. You could have even gotten the second draft of Half-Blood Prince. That shit was still pretty fucking wild. that got dred That got drafted and revised like three times.
00:41:27
Speaker
Because you know sometimes you just say things and you're like... yeah If you step to our Patreon, maybe we'll we'll we'll prioritize you for movie requests over the field. Oh, for sure. Let us know. Should we make a Patreon? We're not against it.
00:41:40
Speaker
We just need to know if people are actually interested. Do you listen and go, or are you like, what were they saying? I want to know. If you're this latter option, then you probably are for a Patreon.
00:41:52
Speaker
Ain't going be crazy, crazy money. I mean, some things I say I'm definitely going to put up there and make sure there's a barrier to entry. Yeah, of course. Some things, you know. Yeah, it's just what it is.
00:42:04
Speaker
Want to hear us throw around the hard R? Subscribe to the page. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Christ. Yeah, we don't. ah We don't. We don't say that. No. And the bleeps are not us saying it either because that's wrong.
00:42:16
Speaker
It's just things that aren't. We're just joking, but they're not slurs. They're just very way too far. To my cousin's point, people who don't know us might not think we're joking, but we are just joking.
00:42:28
Speaker
It's just jokes. were having our intro We're just having a silly goose time. Yeah. You make fun of me. That's fine. I'm fat. Yeah. I'm, I got a big, big nose and a big forehead and I got red hair. i have no soul.
00:42:45
Speaker
ah What else? Your thumbs are fucked. My thumbs are real small. Yeah. I thought that my... Huh? Go ahead. Probably stick that whole thumb head in my penis. you know if i I could stick two of them in there and fish hook it.
00:43:02
Speaker
ah
00:43:04
Speaker
I mean, i literally just told you I tried to jerk off into a Pepsi can. I mean, I'm not like we're not acting like we're the shit. We're just like that's the thing, right? Because when you tell people you have a podcast, they think like you're like, oh, you think you're better than me? Like, no, I don't. I'm just no. I just me. We just have a silly goose time on here and just we're right.
00:43:23
Speaker
We're not out here to make money. We're just out here to have You know, but also if we can make money, why not? That's what saw. I gave a wink to the camera, which you guys couldn't see.
00:43:34
Speaker
give I'll give you a double wink. Where? Call that a blink. ah So we're... I'll blink once, on eight times. Twice.
00:43:44
Speaker
Blink 182.
00:43:48
Speaker
So this weird scene happens where like he finds a canteen and it's like tied to a tree, but the string goes nowhere. And it's a dude. It's Gibbs's, right? That's what he says.
00:43:59
Speaker
And it's the... There's a Namin blended into the woods, like face painted and shit. yeah And he gets trapped. The Namin's doing blackface? That's weird. The natives, they're doing greenface.
00:44:11
Speaker
Yeah, because they're like, we'll get there. So there's like a... rope that like ties around his ankles and pulls him up over a tree and he's hanging by his by his ankles and he gets shot with a blow dart.
00:44:23
Speaker
Rain the night. And then he wakes up tied to a pole and he's brought to their leader who happens to be Jack Sparrow. And they start they speak like gibberish to each other.
00:44:35
Speaker
It's almost like Simly. Do you ever play The Sims? No, i never. got I played it like twice in my life. Never was really into it. Yeah, it's like what they that's how they're speaking. Fair enough. ah Will tells Jack that Elizabeth faces the gallows and Jack walks by and whispers, save me.
00:44:55
Speaker
So yeah, this is basically like fucking cannibal holocaust happening right here. Fuck me.
00:45:02
Speaker
It reminded me of cannibal holocaust and the Peter Jackson King Kong. I'm trying talk down your girlfriend. I have one. I meant like Jack. Yeah, right. ah It is. It really is.
00:45:15
Speaker
But not as bad. The movie is better than that movie too, I would say, overall. Better than Cannibal Holocaust? Yeah. and bur and And better than Green Inferno, would say too. Definitely better than Green Inferno. Is it better than King Kong, Peter Jackson?
00:45:30
Speaker
Stay tuned and find out because they might have the same rating. Are we going to review that? I'm not doing a scene by scene for a three plus hour movie. fair Sorry.
00:45:41
Speaker
Not doing as good. If you want to just... You want it? If you want to just open the... Do an open discussion of that film and watch it, I'm for that. Yeah, we can do that. I'm okay with that.
00:45:52
Speaker
like that movie. Let us know. What do you guys want? You fucking want it or what? That's what you want. You want King Kong? We'll fucking do it, alright?
00:46:03
Speaker
Yeah, and I'll be honest. None of the King Kong movies are really that great. I said it. Kong Sky Island might be the best. It is. i think it is. Yeah. Yeah.
00:46:14
Speaker
You want so We cut to back to jail at Port Royal and all these prisoners are trying to just get a little sniff of Elizabeth. They're just like, kind of yeah, it's really fucking strange.
00:46:30
Speaker
Right. That cooter probably smells great, though. I don't, honestly, i'll I'll take that cooter in any condition. Bro. That is A plus cooter. Like, when you smell a good cooter, you're like, yeah.
00:46:44
Speaker
You want like Like, bloody cooter's bad, but like, natural vagina smell just kind of gets you hard. Yeah.
00:46:54
Speaker
Cut that. Rubble. So, Governor Swamp pulls up and he's like, Yeah, I sent a letter to the to the king. I'm getting you out of here.
00:47:05
Speaker
she said, we have to wait for Will to come back. And he's like we can't count on that guy, girl. Let's go. So she takes him out. um And we stop. They don't get stopped.
00:47:17
Speaker
Scracked all that. They get in this fucking horse and carriage drawn. And they stop. And they see Mercer, who's like Beckett's right hand, stab this guy. And he's holding Swan's letter to the king.
00:47:31
Speaker
And we cut to Beckett's office where ah Liz is there. As soon as that whole thing went down, she just sprinted to the fucking to Beckett's place. um And she's there to cut a deal with him and holds him at gunpoint.
00:47:45
Speaker
And she wants the letters of Mark, which are essentially pardons. um And she tries to start explaining to him about the fucking island of mu Muerta. And he's like, already fucking know, hon. And also that compass, it doesn't just go there. goes wherever you want to go.
00:47:58
Speaker
um So at gunpoint, she makes him sign the paperwork and then she bails. We cut to, I call these guys the two dummies. They're just random pirates from the last one. has the fake eye, the two dummies.
00:48:12
Speaker
the other one's kind of like bald, kind of looks like Jake.
00:48:17
Speaker
He was down bad, yeah. yeah um They escape from prison, and one guy thinks it was divine intervention, and now he wants to be a good person because he's no longer immortal because the curse got lifted.
00:48:30
Speaker
um And they see, they have the dog from the jail, and they spot the pearl. ah The dog swims to shore, and then they capsize and float to shore. We cut to some odd ceremony with the natives and Jack is gifted toe.
00:48:46
Speaker
Yeah, it is a toe. A necklace of toes. And he kind of like bites You're fucking freak. Yeah, freak. little freak hoe. Yeah, you want fucking suck my big toe big boy.
00:48:59
Speaker
You want to suck my big toe big boy is crazy. yeah Yeah. Jake's got some weird toes. Jake's got ugly toes, bro. Both my big toes are angled inwards.
00:49:14
Speaker
Ew. They're not like straight like this. Yeah, they're like this. What the fuck's wrong with you? Yeah, I know. i' have deformities. I'm deformed. You need those to walk, you know. What do you think I fucking do every day?
00:49:28
Speaker
i don't know. Kind of like walk sideways. You're like... A little bit.
00:49:36
Speaker
But people, you know, people who got those, fuck they their whole foot is inward. What the fuck are you doing? Those people need to be slaughtered. that like I can't stand you. Or people who walk on their tiptoes.
00:49:47
Speaker
Yo, fuck you. Like, fuck that kid, bro. He only walked on his toes. Yeah, bro. Wasn't even a brother that was like, were like twins. yeah. Oh, we cut to the crew.
00:50:00
Speaker
Who is hanging from balls off a cliff. And these balls are made out of bones. Like big ball. Big hamster balls.
00:50:12
Speaker
They're big hamster balls, yes. Made of bone. Of bones. um And Will's in here now. Will is in there with them, yes. And Gibbs tells the crew the natives think that Jack's a god and they want to release him from his flesh prison and they're going to eat him.
00:50:29
Speaker
Yeah. Start with this fucking wiener.
00:50:35
Speaker
Yeah. Start with his Jack Johnson. You got a Jack Johnson, you cock pull-ups? yeah bro Yeah, bro. I got a six-pack on my shaft.
00:50:46
Speaker
That's fucking lit. No, what? we caught We caught the Jack who ah has the the natives put some more wood in the fire. and while they're doing that, he makes a run for it.
00:50:57
Speaker
And he stops in this tent and grabs some rope and paprika. um And then afterwards, the the he comes out tent. The natives are waiting there for him. So he starts putting on the paprika like deodorant.
00:51:10
Speaker
He's like, I'm all flayed. By way, on the note of fuck you to people, fuck if you don't wear deodorant. Wear fucking deodorant. Oh, yeah. Yo. Sam's Club, baby. How many's in there? that shit.
00:51:21
Speaker
Six. Hey, yo, you good for a while. Six for 15? That's cheap, bro. Six for 15? Yes. That's yes w Um, so there's two balls hanging off this cliff and they both start to swing back and forth to try to like, yeah, you know, when you're hitting a bitch from the back, you fucking nutsack slapping.
00:51:45
Speaker
Yeah. Mine doesn't like slap like their belly button. Cause it's so fucking long. Yeah. Mine doesn't slap at all. Cause my balls are like nice and tight. Like I, it's like, it almost looks like yeah they haven't dropped yet. You know what I was thinking of the other day?
00:51:57
Speaker
There was some God only knows. There There was some Harry Potter episode you were like, I got a small white dick. Do you remember that? No. so I don't know what it's from. I might have cut it but Small white dick.
00:52:12
Speaker
You're like, I small white dick. Maybe it was Black Christmas. Oh, okay. When I was like, titty fucker. You're like, I got a small white cock.
00:52:25
Speaker
I don't know. I'm not putting it past myself. Put it in here, nick All right. You won't. Yeah. Well, I did on, ah if you get far enough in Friday the 13th, I think, or it's ballerina. I clipped in that Harry Potter part about the fucking shove it down.
00:52:39
Speaker
Yeah, I did that. Get down there. Fucking choke on. That's what you said. That was funny. All right. I'm not going put that in now. Sorry. That bitch goes. no Right.
00:52:50
Speaker
Yeah. They're swinging their balls to try to hit the wall. When my ball sack swings, it's like when you're walking with like a plastic bag with two apples in it. It's crazy how heavy my balls swing.
00:53:01
Speaker
It's wild. Balls to the wall. There's a whole new meaning here It's literally balls to the wall here. And ah they get they get a hold of the of the wall, and they start climbing up. And there's...
00:53:14
Speaker
For some reason, they're like, oh, whoever gets the top first, we're just going to leave the one behind. Because that's the pirate code, I guess. Right. and this wolf And this little fucking dweeb pulls up. And he's like, oh,
00:53:32
Speaker
so da oh Is that, I think you're, you jumped the shark on that one. I guess there's something that happens yet. But he, I mean, eventually that happens. Yes. Also, why were you doing the wave with your arm? What the fuck was that about?
00:53:45
Speaker
or the worm? You were doing the fucking, what why are you doing this for? but you know, he's feral. You know? Okay. I feel like if if I was like exclaiming about a discovery, I wouldn't be going like, it's like a fucking like a faggity dance move.
00:53:58
Speaker
Well, yeah, this guy's a little freak, right? He eats people. They definitely eat people. So they start to reach the top, and the native, when he comes to the bridge, they're like, stop moving, and the other jauns just keep going.
00:54:12
Speaker
so The blacks, to be fair. it was there was a white There was a white ball and a black ball. let' just be Segregated. Let's just be honest, right? They're black. You've got nuts separate, right?
00:54:22
Speaker
They're a Somali, for sure. You don't want testicular torsion. No, let's not talk about that. i don't want to even think about that right now. And want the guy like leading the charge in the black ball grabs a snake and freaks the fuck out and they fall there. Yeah, fucking grabs a snake it but me every time he takes a leak.
00:54:41
Speaker
Yeah, dude, he got that fucking piece on him.
00:54:48
Speaker
So the native, because they fall, obviously hears it and then does the thing that you just did. And then so Will's like, keep fucking climbing. So they keep gri they keep going Keep grinding.
00:54:59
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, you want it. ah So the native runs over and notifies the tribe who have Jack tied up over a fire. They're going to roast him like a pig roast.
00:55:11
Speaker
Hey, yo. What? ah No, no, it's just like, at least it's not Jewish. That'd be real bad if it was Jewish. and You ever been to a pig roast? We used to have at my house, remember? No, I was never invited. It was before me.
00:55:22
Speaker
Yeah, we like every like summer almost we had him at my house. That's fire. Sick invite. I didn't know you yet. Also, you were kind of faggot.
00:55:32
Speaker
Yeah, was.
00:55:35
Speaker
When we had those, the only conversation you and I had ever had was, yeah, I pictured Lady God's vagina. That's how we met. That is how we met, yeah. And it was it wasn't true.
00:55:46
Speaker
Oh, really? of course. Yeah, wow, shocker. It wasn't true. ah So they drop the torch, and it's just close enough to light this fire that Jack is held over, but he's able to free himself by riding this fucking rod. This man fucking does magical things with this pole. He's throwing it back on this pole right now to free himself. This pole gets so much in, bro.
00:56:14
Speaker
Yeah. ah And as he's, so he's, he escapes and he has like a fucking pole strapped to his back and he runs into this little boy. they yo little boy, look at my pole,
00:56:26
Speaker
yes
00:56:29
Speaker
He's standing there. He's like, you want to split your cheeks for me? I'll rim his fucking pole in your ass. Yo, just nibble on my pole tip, dude. You little cannibal freak. What are you fucking into? Nibble my pole tip is crazy.
00:56:42
Speaker
What are you talking about? Nibble on my pole, Tim. You heard me?
00:56:54
Speaker
I'll be honest. If you're a fucking dude and you're wearing im fucking eyeliner, you're probably into getting your pole nibbled. Well, that's true. Just around the base of the shaft of the head. That's all. Just nibble on them.
00:57:05
Speaker
Like you nibble an earlobe, you know? Yeah, that does work for some people. It worked for a girl I used to date. Shout out to you. Yeah? Yeah. We're not going to dox.
00:57:17
Speaker
Uh... So... This dude's like sitting there holding a fork and knife because he's eat this fucking guy. And he takes his knife and then he charges at him and hits a coconut.
00:57:31
Speaker
He fucking... Yo, he splits the cheeks on this coconut. Yeah, he does. he And then like the fucking coconut like splurts on this little kid's face. Yeah, and then he tries to fucking wing it at this kid and he catches it.
00:57:42
Speaker
Uh... ah We come back to the crew who falls off the cliff and their fucking ball breaks in the water. And they're getting shot at by arrows from the natives.
00:57:54
Speaker
We come back to Jack who they're throwing fruit at Jack and it's like skewering on his pole. You know what I mean? Fruit. Yeah, dude. You were. Give me your fucking pear. You know what i mean? Yeah, you're that. Fuck. You got that pear shape to you, girl.
00:58:09
Speaker
What if your dick look like a pear? My ball sack does. But like reverse. So it's like thick at the top. yeah My cock is like mastermind from Hulk.
00:58:21
Speaker
Right. Exactly. Gorged head. Right. Yeah. Hey girl. One nibble on my gorged pole. Yeah. mean You in the fucking nibbling today. You want fish hook my tip and nibble on it Hey yo.
00:58:35
Speaker
ah You want to literally fish hook in my tip or what? Oh, actual fish hook. Yeah. You want to fucking reel me in? Yeah, baby.
00:58:46
Speaker
Yo, this movie's bad, right? Yeah, this movie's horrible. don't get it. um I wrote Jack Polvo, but it corrected to Jack Povolta, which sounds like a name. Yeah, yo, you know Jack Povolta?
00:58:59
Speaker
Hey, yo, check my boy Jack Povolta. If you're out there, let us know. Yeah, Jack Povolta. ah He Polvo's over this cliff, but doesn't make it because the weight of the fruit on his back...
00:59:11
Speaker
it was kind of this It was kind of a funny scene, I'm not going to lie. And then he kind of falls down. the thing catches on the rock. His pole gets stuck. He has his stick stuck.
00:59:21
Speaker
And then he unravels into the into the earth. I said earth like that on purpose. Like a na-meme. Yeah. Let me ask you a question.
00:59:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:59:35
Speaker
Um, we see the crew make it back to the Pearl and they see Jack in the distance running towards them. Also being chased by the natives. and when they like There's like a thousand of these motherfuckers. And they just leave this goddamn dog.
00:59:48
Speaker
Yo, I love Jack Sparrow's like run. Big trend on TikTok. Big. Really? Yeah. I don't go on. I don't go on the talk. Right. Uh, and they just leave this dog back and he gets changed. The dog gets chased and just cuts. Like they're to eat that dog.
01:00:05
Speaker
um And Jack's like, all right, we can go out on a ship. We got to stay close to the shallows. um Will confronts Jack and demands the compass at sword point, sticking his fucking tip in his mouth.
Mystical Elements and High Stakes
01:00:20
Speaker
but He's like, nibble on it. Yeah. yeah big said It's a nibble heavy episode. um Nibble on my pointy tip. Jack agrees to give Will a compass if he nibbles on his tip.
01:00:34
Speaker
No, in exchange for helping him find the key that he needs to open that chest. um We cut to a random boat who they find Elizabeth's dress and they think the ship is haunted, but les liz Elizabeth is just on board.
01:00:50
Speaker
um And the captain is like of the ship is like, no, you fucking idiot. It's a stowaway. It's not a ghost. Like, yeah find who this... Go ahead. They're like, find who this dress belongs to. And everybody's like, and they're like, she's probably naked. And everybody's like, well let's go.
01:01:06
Speaker
Yeah, there's a big like arguing over the dress, like jerk off on it, I guess, is essentially what they're alluding to. Something like that. They're like trying to sniff them like a panty.
01:01:16
Speaker
We cut back to the Pearl and they find... They've abandoned it, and they're in rowboats going through this little river. um And Gibbs explains to Will about Davy Jones and how there's a kraken that he sends hunting for Jack.
01:01:37
Speaker
ah Jack announces that we're going to visit her. And her is Tia Dalma, and they're thick as thieves, he thinks. and like where there yeah You ever see Princess and the Frog?
01:01:49
Speaker
No. So this is a witch hunt. I mean, yeah, there's a voodoo motherfucker in there. And she says that Will Turner has a touch of destiny in him.
01:02:03
Speaker
Ooh. I want you touch my destiny. You know I mean? Daddy. ah That's the most casual daddy ever. Daddy. um Sparrow offers the undead monkey in exchange for her help.
01:02:18
Speaker
And ah she's like, oh, the compass that you have doesn't work. Can't help you. Yeah, he's having some compass problems. He has some ED issues. What of it? Just let him be, dude. Like, shit. Start fucking, fucking, you're a Yami. You can go...
01:02:34
Speaker
like on that shit? Throw that ass back, baby. Back crazy on him, would you? So this is honestly, to at this point, movie's pretty good. This is this is like where I was like, I'm out.
01:02:47
Speaker
I agree. after this yeah Essentially, a girl broke up with Davy Jones and he cut his heart out of his chest and put it in a box. And then the rest of the plot revolves around Davy Jones' heart in a box that he cut out because he's fucking gay and uh tia tells them that he has that key on him all the time it's strapped to him you got that fucking strap watch out uh so jack says that they have to board the flying dutchman to get the key it's the real flying dutchman there you go good pull uh
01:03:28
Speaker
And then t they're about to leave and Tia's like, let me see your hand, bro. He got that black, that dark mark on you. said, let me see your fucking underwear. How many skid marks you got in there? Yo, thousands. um So he's got the dark mark. The crew freaks out and she goes looking and she comes out with a ah jar of dirt, which allegedly will protect him.
01:03:46
Speaker
And Davy Jones is not able to port his ship or step on land only once every 10 years. Which what happens every 10 years? What does he do? I don't know. Pillage?
01:03:58
Speaker
rape the women. Yeah. um Why say yeah to that? yeah get Uh, so the next scene, she like rolls like it's not dice. It's like fucking like a crab claw and like random objects, which just automatically locate the the Dutchman for them.
01:04:19
Speaker
with I don't understand this movie is two and a half hours long. And the travel between place to place is like a cut. It's just like it just cuts and like, oh, we're here now. It's fucking stupid.
01:04:33
Speaker
ah Same problem. in The first movie. And the Dutchman appears split in half. And ah the plan is for Willow Rowe over there and ah and board it. And they find some guy and he's just... He's hoisting the jib is what he says. Hoisting the jib sounds like jerk in your gherkin. Yeah, that's what talking about. Yo...
01:04:54
Speaker
Hoisting the jib, captain's orders. and Captain's orders. yeah yo Yo, the captain asked me to fucking stroke it real quick. can you turn your back? you turn around?
01:05:05
Speaker
Yeah. Yo, give me some fucking space. I'm raising mast over here. Yeah, exactly. um
01:05:15
Speaker
And Will's like, what the fuck is going on? He's like, and it's not here. it's He's like, you're shipwrecked. He's like, nah, it's beneath us. And that's when a ship emerges from the bottom of the ocean, which this is, in fact, the real Flying Dutchman.
01:05:28
Speaker
It doesn't fly, though. And ah
01:05:34
Speaker
the Dutchman crew boards this broken-down ship, and they look fucking terrible, CGI-wise. Yeah. But they're like barnacle people? bur Yeah, basically.
01:05:47
Speaker
And Will tries to to fight them all, and he lights his sword on fire and doesn't work because he's just a fucking idiot sometimes. You ever light your sword on fire by accident? little too close to a campfire?
01:05:59
Speaker
lit my hand on fire. haven't lit my sword on fire. Is that your next step? My cock? Is sword like so the metaphor for cock? Yeah. Yeah, haven't done that, no.
01:06:11
Speaker
Not yet? Nah. if you Okay, so you showed me pictures of every burn you have. You burn your penis. Can I see it? Yeah, for sure. Is that the only way I'm seeing your penis?
01:06:23
Speaker
No, I'll pull it out for you. I'll pay you. It's small, dude. It's tiny, though. I mean, there's not much to see.
01:06:30
Speaker
So Davey Jones got a crab leg and an octopus head. He got a pussy face. He do. He kind of looks like Zoidberg. And he sounds like he does. And he sounds French like at first for some reason. And then he's not.
01:06:44
Speaker
But he offers the ones left alive to join his crew or die. And one guy says no. if He just slits his throat and throws them overboard. Um, and Davey Jones asks Will what he's doing on the ship. And he's like, Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt, which Jack did tell him to say before he left.
01:07:02
Speaker
It's true. And this was kind of cool. Sparrow is watching through a telescope and suddenly they kind of just all teleport onto the ship. Um, And Sparrow's like, well, you can have will.
01:07:15
Speaker
ah And Davy Jones is like, one soul is not equal to another. And he wants 100 souls in three days. And he's going to hold on to Will in good faith. So their plan is to go to Tortuga to get souls.
01:07:29
Speaker
We cut to this random crew that has Elizabeth on board. We're talking about how the only place they can dock is Tortuga. only place they can dock is tortuga um And they see Elizabeth's dress floating around outside. It's literally being puppeteered, but they don't fucking notice because it's a kid's movie.
01:07:47
Speaker
yeah take of it Is it a kid's movie? I don't even know. I mean, it's not R. No, it's like a young adult. It's not hard R either. It's PG-13.
01:07:59
Speaker
So this dress like swinging above them and it knocks over a lantern that lights some fire on the deck and it says Tortuga. ah We cut to a bar where the Black Pearl crew is recruiting some souls.
01:08:12
Speaker
Or they run into Commodore Norrington who was lost at sea because he was chasing them through a hurricane. Fucking idiot. um And he tries to shoot. Jack, but it causes a brawl at the bar where randomly Elizabeth is just there and joins in on this brawl.
01:08:29
Speaker
We see her knock out Norrington with a glass bottle. Norrington gets thrown out of the bar into the mud with some pigs. Yeah. Get in there, you shitter.
01:08:42
Speaker
We cut back to the the Dutchman. on and It's flying Dutchman! We're not having good weather conditions. um and they're trying to like lower a cannon.
01:08:55
Speaker
Right. And one of the guys tells Turner, because they're both on the ship to secure the mast. Uh, so will Turner and bootstrap both go to do it and are reunited.
01:09:07
Speaker
and have don't do it. Yeah. Uh, be so
01:09:16
Speaker
essentially Davy Jones is pissed about it and tells him to lash his son. Uh, and bootstraps like, that's my son. I can't do it, but ends up having to do it. And then you kind of see Davy Jones the corner.
01:09:27
Speaker
yeah, fucking whip him. Like he's getting off. yeah Like his mouth doing that fucking thing you were talking about. He's I can't whip blacks anymore. So this is good enough. Oh,
01:09:39
Speaker
The next scene is Elizabeth chasing down Jack Sparrow, and he tells Gibbs to hide the rum because she burned it all in the last movie. And Sparrow tells her that Will's on the Dutchman, and... It's the real flying Dutchman! I'm going to keep looking at that. It's what it is.
01:09:58
Speaker
Okay. Sparrow wants to find... ah
01:10:03
Speaker
He wants to find the chest using the compass, and... He knows that she really wants to find a Will, and the final one, we need to find the chest. So he gives her the compass, and she uses it, and because she wants it, the compass works, and they finally have a heading.
01:10:20
Speaker
We cut to... Weird flirting, too. It's, like, strange. We cut to Beckett's office, and Governor Swan's been a ah arrested. He got a bald head. His fucking wig is off.
01:10:31
Speaker
like off the spray. And he looks like but a fucking poor person. I mean, he does not look. And Mercer lets them know that Liz has been spotted with Sparrow and Norrington.
01:10:45
Speaker
He's like, fuck. We cut to the Dutchman. This scene fucking sucked. I just, it was fucking dumb.
01:10:53
Speaker
Where the crew is betting on years of service in a dice game and ah Will decides to challenge Davy Jones to this game. And essentially you're betting on how many of a certain number die are on the table at at a time.
01:11:08
Speaker
So it's supposed to be Will versus Davy Jones, but Bootstrap joins in because Will wagers his life like eternity on the ship in exchange to for the key.
01:11:21
Speaker
And you see there's only seven fives and then Will intentionally bets eight, which is wrong. And then Senior bets 12. which senses him to eternity on the on the ship.
01:11:35
Speaker
And then they say, now we know where the key is, and it wasn't about winning or losing, but if Will had lost, he would not have figured out where the key was. So I don't get how it wasn't about winning. That's fucking true. He kind flaunts the little key at him. He's like, yeah, you want it?
01:11:49
Speaker
I want it. And it's like hidden in his like little tentacle patch. Right. He's a fucking octopussy fucking head. yes Yeah, he You fuck a fruitcake head ass, you know?
01:12:03
Speaker
Next part is... Bootstrap, he relieves him. Sailor, who's piloting the ship. And then we see Will, who's essentially fingering Davy Jones' tentacles.
01:12:15
Speaker
He's like getting up in there. It almost looks
Climactic Battles and Sacrifices
01:12:17
Speaker
like he's fucking like in a Japanese restaurant, the way you'd be handing these tentacles with these fucking sticks and shit. You know what I mean? Eat some fucking sushi real quick. I could go for some sushi right now. i'm kind of hungry. I fucking love sushi, dude.
01:12:29
Speaker
I've been eating avocado sushi, too, now. Like, I'm here i'm in it. What's avocado sushi? What else are with that? just like, because I don't like avocado, so I would like kind of avoid most sushi.
01:12:41
Speaker
oh Oh, that's cool. But now I'm there. Oh, sushi with avocado in it. I get you. Yeah, now I'm here. ah And he's able to slide out the key from his tentacles and slip in the little drawing of the little cloth drawing. Yeah. So like, there's something in his fucking tentacles.
01:12:59
Speaker
ah he meets up with his father who gives him a knife and says he didn't want a pirate's life for him, for Will, but what it is. But it's a pirate's life for me, goddammit.
01:13:10
Speaker
It's you. Yeah, I mean, really. ah Will swears that he's going to find a way to to free his father, and he leaves. ah We cut to Liz, who shows Liz is Elizabeth. Sorry, I just wrote Liz because it's shorter. Shows her fucking cooter to everybody on that board, and then they just fucking bang the shit out of her.
01:13:30
Speaker
Cut to a gangbang. Yeah, a fucking pirate gangbang. You know, no one smells good. Everybody's fucking... Let's just lie there and nodding. What do you think? Let's just lie there and flick her shit. Straight flick her shit, dude.
01:13:45
Speaker
What a crazy line, dude. um She has the pardon letters and shows them to Jack, but Jack keeps them. And, she, he's like, she's like, give him back. And he's like, persuade me to do so.
01:14:00
Speaker
And she's like, no. no. um no So Beckett wants the chest to control sea. Um, so she's pissed that Jack won't give her the fucking and papers back. So she walks away uh,
01:14:17
Speaker
Norrington walks over and says she can't trust Jack. And she looks at the compass and the compass is now pointing the opposite direction because she don't know what she wants like most women.
01:14:29
Speaker
Do better. ah You want me to stick it in your ass or your veg? You choose, bitch.
01:14:37
Speaker
Don't shit on my shit. The next scene, Will ends up on the ship that Liz was being a stowaway on. And he sees the dress. um And as they're conversing, a guy comes down and says that there's a ship in sight and there's not flying any colors. And it is the Flying Dutchman.
01:14:57
Speaker
Ruh-roh! We cut to the Flying Dutchman. And they...
01:15:05
Speaker
basically spot the ship and Davy Jones releases the Kraken. And we see this Kraken attack the ship and essentially inhale it underwater. Breaks that shit in half.
01:15:18
Speaker
Snaps it and Will falls into the water and swims up to some drift wood. And the yeah the CGI tentacles, not great. I didn't hate it.
01:15:30
Speaker
it's It gets worse later. Um, he flips it over. So as the driftwood floats by the Dutchman, they don't see it. Uh, we watched them kill the survivors on the ship and then, we'll catches a ride on the front of this ship.
01:15:45
Speaker
And, uh, Davy Jones says they're going to the Isla de Crusades.
01:15:51
Speaker
Uh, we cut to Jack was trying to get with Elizabeth. And he said that she's gonna become a ah pirate one day because she's curious. Just like Roll Me Gay one day. I'm little curious.
01:16:03
Speaker
I'm trying to find out what... trying to fucking feel my G-spot my asshole, you what mean? I'm just saying, like... want to get my bell rung. Yo.
01:16:15
Speaker
Yo, anytime my hemorrhoid itches, like, stick that shit in me, dude. Like, massage me, please. Yeah, fucking stimulate my prostate.
01:16:27
Speaker
um Make me shit blood, dude. Like, come on. Right. And then Elizabeth says that Jack's going to come to her side because he's curious and deep down inside he's a good man.
01:16:41
Speaker
And now one day he'll do something selfless, very much foreshadowing, like, fucking cut all this shit out, but whatever. yeah The idea of him being admired or honored gets him off.
01:16:52
Speaker
He fucking likes it. um Yeah, tell me I'm a fucking good boy.
01:16:59
Speaker
Tell me you're gonna miss me when I'm dead. Tell me you're gonna fucking toast to my name. ah my Oh my god, flick your shit over my dead corpse.
01:17:09
Speaker
She's... She's standing there like... ah Fucking squirt my dead fucking corpse. Yes, squirt my dead mouth.
01:17:22
Speaker
What?
01:17:26
Speaker
Yeah, use your fucking score to rehydrate my skin. you
01:17:32
Speaker
Stick my dead cock in your mouth.
01:17:37
Speaker
Bury me, then me up and unbury me like Poughkeepsie.
01:17:45
Speaker
Uh...
01:17:48
Speaker
He's about to fucking kiss her. He's about try to give her a nice little fucking tongue down. not going lie. She's a big tease, and I was kind of fucking getting a little chubby, dude. Every time, the way they angle it, looks like she's grabbing his fucking dick. You what mean? Dude, I'm not lie. I was kind of getting a little chubby. Every time she's on a piece, bro. She's a goddamn piece. She's a fucking slut, dude.
01:18:10
Speaker
Come here. so She gives Jeannie Weasley a fucking and run for her money. Not even in the same league. The problem is Ginny really taking you too many dicks.
01:18:21
Speaker
That's the problem. Like, there's a black dude up in there. Like, I ain't no competition to that. But, yo, but Ginny began, you know, Ginny began spread out. I know. i know. i would take How big of a dick do you think Harry got?
01:18:36
Speaker
You think he's packing a fucking meat missile? Nah, because he's too deep, though. Well, I don't know, though, dude. Dean's got fucking rot on him, dude. I feel like most of the nerdy dudes got a fucking piece on him, right? Yeah.
01:18:51
Speaker
But all Dean does is ring a bell. Well... He just rings bells and pops cherries. Right. And Harry, like, you know, doesn't... Absolutely nothing.
01:19:02
Speaker
Yeah. But go listen to our eight episodes on Harry Potter. But Jack, though. Jack Price slinging. Yeah. Uh...
01:19:15
Speaker
Oh, also there's conversation here about the, why doesn't your compass work? got ED problems? that My compass works. Yeah, you want me to fucking like spit on it or something? Would compass work if spit on it?
01:19:29
Speaker
Dude, I read two lines like together and it was about to jack off the rowboat. Hey, yo. Let me get out of this rowboat. It's fucking stroking my shit. Just wailing on myself. God.
01:19:44
Speaker
I'm fucking devouring my meat, dude. I'm fucking whaling and I'm sailing. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. ah But what I meant to say is we cut could Jack. Fucking spank me with an oar, you dirty whore. you know what I mean?
01:20:01
Speaker
She's f flicking her shit while he's cranking his hog. Yeah. he's cranking his hog yeah
01:20:09
Speaker
yes Nah, dude, he's he's watching Cranked It, dude, and someone spanked her with a goddamn oar. It's probably Gibbs, dude. He fucking gives Bender over. feel like Gibbs has no sexual interest in her, honestly.
01:20:23
Speaker
Probably not. He's all about the sea. But she's like, you remind me my fucking father.
01:20:32
Speaker
The way you got up and you're just like, oh fuck yeah.
01:20:36
Speaker
While Jack's cranking his shit, like Gibbs is like kind of like down there like getting ready to fucking swallow, right? I can see Gibbs. Gibbs is like the bagel and sausage party.
01:20:47
Speaker
Right. Yeah. Yeah. He's both. He's sewing in both ways. he Both. Both of them. Both these nuts in your mouth. ah So we cut to Jack who's on a rowboat with the two dummies and he's got a jar dirt.
01:21:01
Speaker
But guess they only show these three but all of them go to this little island and Liz is trying to use the compass to find the treasure and it points at Jack she's like, it definitely don't work. i don't want Jack.
01:21:12
Speaker
But I want to get jacked. You know what I mean? know what I'm fucking saying or whatever. Then Jack looks at it and it points at her where she's sitting down in like her fucking dump truck. And he's like, just move out of the way. We're going to start digging.
01:21:25
Speaker
We cut to the Dutchman and they see them on this island. They decide to go underwater. The whole ship. ah The crew finds the dead man's chest and they hear a heartbeat inside. When Will shows up, this fucking pisses me off. Why can people just swim from the middle the ocean to the fucking islands? Like, that's not a thing. You're not close enough.
01:21:46
Speaker
Definitely not. You drown eventually, right? You're going to run into energy. and um So he pulls up and says that he was basically left to die on... uh davy jones's ship but he met his father and uh he goes to open the chest with the key that he stole and sparrow holds that fucking tip holds his tip to his tip point it's young yeah that's fucking tip in his mouth and uh he's nibbling on it and elizabeth's fucking her shit yeah
01:22:19
Speaker
yeah they're just fucking picking up santa throwing it her pussy ew
01:22:25
Speaker
like Be like, oh my god, look at that sand. You can see her twat stain. Her twat stain? What are you talking about? Her twat stain?
01:22:36
Speaker
ah yeah and fucking a little twat trail, you know? Her snail trail? Yeah, her snail trail that's just fucking leaking from her oozy twat.
01:22:47
Speaker
Yeah, they're like, yo, are we on a high tide or is just Squirt making all wet sands?
01:22:58
Speaker
Why is the sand all wet? is the sand all wet? God damn, it's going to stuck in my toes. Oh, that. Too many crevices for sand. Exactly. yeah About to get a fucking yeast in infection. All that sand in your fucking cunt, dude. Jesus Christ. She's just flicking it through the pain. She's like oh <unk> swollen just yeahp It's fucking inflamed.
01:23:26
Speaker
Did you say when it's swollen, it gets me going? Is that what you just said? I heard you just say when it's swollen, it gets me going. I didn't. That's crazy!
01:23:39
Speaker
sorry That's
01:23:42
Speaker
That's the first two guys one-screen fucking t-shirt when it gets me going. Two guys in one screen. Shit's fucking red and inflamed and it's just fucking... You're like throbbing like David Jones' heart.
01:23:54
Speaker
She needs fucking antibiotics or something. There's like and a fucking pussy infection, but she's still... she doesn't care. What doesn't kill you makes you smarter, toots? That's what I'm saying. Like, she doesn't care, dude.
01:24:09
Speaker
All right, so she's flicking her shit. And so Sparrow holds a fucking sword. Everybody's got their fucking swords out. And he's holding a sword to Will.
01:24:21
Speaker
And then Norrington's like, no, fuck you. I need that to redeem myself, get my life back. they have a massive sword fight and Liz is sick of it. The two dummy pirates while fighting take the chest and Liz tries to fake faint like she did in first movie but nobody cares.
01:24:39
Speaker
And she sees That's a three-way sword fight. Exactly. She sees the dummies run away at the chest. We cut to the Duckman crew who are arriving on land. ah We cut back to the sword fight. We see the keys change hands few times.
01:24:55
Speaker
And at one point, they de-sword Jack. They take his sword out. They fucking castrate this man. Yeah. It's two-on-one. It's Will and Norrington having that fucking tip.
01:25:07
Speaker
And they're about to kill him. And he's like, dude, what are you so mad about? You had me. You chose not to arrest me. don't know to fucking tell you. Right. You need to swing on him. But Jack escapes.
01:25:18
Speaker
And Turner and Norrington have a fight on a water mill. Cut to the dummies running with the chest and Liz goes to stop them. But she don't have a sword.
01:25:28
Speaker
Following the theme, she ain't got no dick. No dick to pull out. Just her fucking irritated bean. The only thing I have is my little pussy pussy. well Why say it twice?
01:25:41
Speaker
Huh? No, I said pussy. Oh, pussy pussy. Pussy pussy. You know, it's fucking oozing pus. It's all yeah green and snotty. Right.
01:25:52
Speaker
Because I got a fucking yeast infection from flicking my shit on the sand. Yeah, and you can see that she's angry in her eye. know what mean? Yeah. That eye is fucking mad.
01:26:03
Speaker
You need the fucking shit you, the eye drops use for fucking pink eye. Put that your pussy. Oh, yeah. Bro, you got to laugh at that shit with Neosporin. She's like, hold on.
01:26:14
Speaker
Oh, oh, wait.
01:26:18
Speaker
i What are you doing?
01:26:25
Speaker
She put a fucking pussy drop in. She's sitting there like that. Does this look okay? am I can't see. Am I aiming right? It's bad. ah It's bad.
01:26:39
Speaker
Oh my god, my...
01:26:43
Speaker
Is this my piss hole or my piss hole? I can't see what's going on.
01:26:50
Speaker
Yo, my piss hole is so irritating.
01:26:55
Speaker
I need someone to fucking bomb my pussy, dude. but
01:27:05
Speaker
yo Suck the puss out. Dude, it's so bad. and just going Her fucking bush is all tangled. It's like all knotted. It's like matted. oh It looks like a fucking... It looks like a fucking... starting to crust.
01:27:21
Speaker
starting to crut Yeah. Yeah, it's starting to crust up. You can't even cut it. The scissor, where you got to cut it, and they just fucking don't do It it just folds over. doesn't even cut. ah ah Why are we so upset with Keira Knightley's fucking snatch hole for? don't know.
01:27:39
Speaker
Shout to it, though. You know i mean? Yeah, I'm fucking saying. I'm going to be calling you at some point to have you listen all this again. She's got that blue waffle going on eventually. That shit's infected.
01:27:50
Speaker
It's like the fucking, the black pearl is a myth and so is Blue Waffle until we fucking, have you seen that fucking? you see it? You seen that hole on Liz, dude? um So they're about to fuck Liz and then they get chased by the Dutchman crew and they drop the chest.
01:28:11
Speaker
We cut to ah different scene where they're like running through the woods and they're like tossing us, like working as a team. Now the two dummies and Elizabeth and they're tossing a sword to each other to like defend themselves.
01:28:23
Speaker
One random crew member that has like a shell for a fucking head grabs the chest and starts running. We cut to the wheel and Jack falls off it just in time and sees this guy running and he throws a rock at him and heads him pretty strong.
01:28:42
Speaker
but strong to Because Jack snatched the key, he's able to open the chest and he grabs the heart. um And he's then chased by the crew.
01:28:54
Speaker
But the dummies come back and grab that chest not knowing the heart's not in there. We see Jack grab his jar dirt and put the heart inside the jar dirt and then cover it with more dirt.
01:29:06
Speaker
We cut to Will. And Norrington were fighting and they crashed in the shallow area ah near Liz and the dummies and Jack. They just all happen in the same area now.
01:29:20
Speaker
um Norrington finds on the little rowboat the pardon papers and a jar with dirt in it.
01:29:29
Speaker
The dummies are about to leave in the rowboat and they get stopped by Will. And then now they're all surrounded by the Dutchman crew.
01:29:42
Speaker
but like none this makes sense because this is just like literally the scene just cut. And this is the next thing. I know it makes no sense. It's what it is. Uh, they're surrounded by the Dutchman crew and Norrington volunteers his life. He grabs the chest and runs off, um, which distracts the crew and the rest of them get away.
01:30:01
Speaker
he gets caught and quickly gives up the chest and runs off. Will wakes up in the black Pearl and is told that Norrington ran off with the chest. ah yeah Which, like, why were they okay with him running off the chest in the first place? I don't know.
01:30:16
Speaker
yeah yeah Yeah. The Dutchman pulls up right next to them, and Jack yells over that he's got a jar dirt and falls over. The Dutchman goes cannons out. Not tits, just, like, you know, cannons.
01:30:29
Speaker
I wish. i wish Liz was cannons out. Yeah, fuck dude. And we go ah hard to starboard. They make a hard turn. And there's a small chase scene, but they give up because they're little bit faster.
01:30:42
Speaker
ah And jo Davy Jones decides to release the Kraken on these motherfuckers. And it hits the ship. And the jar falls of dirt and shatters. And there's no, as Jack calls it, thump thump inside.
01:30:57
Speaker
I get it. ah The Kraken starts to slowly grasp the ship. Yeah, firmly grasp that shit.
01:31:09
Speaker
What's that like maximum grip? They fire these cannons point blank range on the tentacles. This does not look great. No. The little tentacles got a little fucking beat up.
01:31:19
Speaker
They load some barrels of gunpowder and rum into a sack, a netting. And the goal is for to get the fucking Kraken to grab it and then shoot it and have it explode.
01:31:32
Speaker
um We see Jack on a rowboat and he's looking at his compass while the crew is getting attacked by the Kraken. We cut back and the Kraken grabs that bag of gunpowder and rum.
01:31:47
Speaker
But Will Turner's foot is stuck in that bag. So Liz can't shoot because he's on there still. And then she gets grabbed by the Kraken and then saved by those two dummies from before. um And ah she's about to take another shot when Jack returns miraculously and shoots the barrel. The thing explodes, the Kraken retreats back into the water.
01:32:10
Speaker
And the only option they have is to abandon ship. Everyone's slowly abandoning ship when Elizabeth makes out with Jack and Will sees it.
01:32:21
Speaker
And he's like, what the fuck? And then she's only doing it to clamp him down. like, arrests him, basically, through the pole. Fucking handcuffs him.
01:32:37
Speaker
So she comes down to the... She comes because that's what she's into. And then ah Jack calls her a pirate. She...
Conclusion and Future Hints
01:32:47
Speaker
Goes to the the robo and tells the crew that Jack liked to stay behind, but looks upset, even though she told Jack she didn't care what she was doing was wrong. ah Jack uses and some oil from a lantern to grease his hand up and doesn't Gerald's game it, but he does get his hand free.
01:33:02
Speaker
i Yeah, I thought he was going to like snap his wrist or something. That would have been cooler. Yeah, but it's Disney, so it's what what it is. The Kraken roars right in front of his face as he frees himself.
01:33:14
Speaker
And he does get like a cum shot almost. in his face. um Finds his hat, which was nice. And then he gets what we think eaten by the Kraken and the CGI here was the worst.
01:33:28
Speaker
Really bad. Like what the fuck were we doing? You ever see like Mega Shark versus like Sharktopus or something on sci-fi? Like that? yeah your levels of that Yeah. You seen Screamboat?
01:33:39
Speaker
Yeah.
01:33:42
Speaker
The The crew from the Black Pearl and the robot watch the ship go down as well as Davy Jones. And then he has suspicious feeling about the heart and he demands that they open the chest and they do and there's no heart.
01:33:54
Speaker
We cut to Beckett who's alerted that there's no chest, but they did receive the pardon letters. And it turns out that Norrington returned them. And he gives them, he gives Beckett the heart of Davy Jones.
01:34:09
Speaker
The Black crew Pearl Crew drifts through Black Crew? yeah they're all black. They're not. They're all fucking black show up. And they go through that river by the witch's hut.
01:34:22
Speaker
And there's candles out for Jack. And they see Tia again. And they have a toast to Jack. And Will starts asking what they can do to bring him back. And Tia says there's a way at World's End.
01:34:36
Speaker
Whoa. When Captain Moser shows up, he returns, and he's like, what'd you do with my ship? And then the movie ends. Thank fuck. Also, you don't get to realize, because that you don't get to like realize because will's like mad that Elizabeth was like making out with Jack and i him that like, like tonguing him down. Yeah. But then he, but then Will's like automatically okay with it. So you missed the part where she probably explained like the plan.
01:35:03
Speaker
Like, yo, why are you flicking your shit aggressively in front of Jack like that? Yeah. Why are you fucking stroking his meat? Um, what do you want rate this? I'm giving it a three.
01:35:15
Speaker
I'm also gonna give it a three. Like it's the first, they got me in the first half, bro. They got me. Yeah. oh It's just everything else is so fucking boring.
01:35:26
Speaker
I just don't care, and it's stupid and kind of corny. Yeah, like you hit all like the you know the important plot points, but there's a lot more that just doesn't matter. Cut it. Make this an hour and a half.
01:35:39
Speaker
Fucking honestly, dude. Hour 40 is fine. Cut it, and then maybe you'll have more budget for CGI. Yeah, I agree with that. So the next one after this is At World's End, which I literally tease in this, which is fucking stupid.
01:35:58
Speaker
Big stoop. ah All right, we'll do a little wild episode. I farted. Fuck your shit.
01:36:06
Speaker
ah for your shit So follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com.
01:36:19
Speaker
Follow us on Letterboxd. Follow us on YouTube and TikTok for when the clips start happening back up. Send us a voicemail, 508-8-5-8-8-6-minute limit.
01:36:33
Speaker
And that is how your movie will be straight to guaranteed. right that it will be reviewed. All that shit's going to be in the fucking description. Go listen to Yeah, You Want It or their physical media collecting podcast.
01:36:52
Speaker
At this point, there should be two to three episodes already out. Definitely two, possibly three. Yeah. Go fucking listen to them. Yeah. You want it? So there's links. You can click it, flick it like Elizabeth was doing today or fucking shit on me.
01:37:09
Speaker
Yeah. what mean? You and shit. I don't know. I don't know, dude. You get off this shit, dude. I don't know why. ah Next week,
01:37:20
Speaker
where are we at? What is this? Dead Man's Chest? Yeah. yeah If you're listening to this, next Tuesday, we have an episode for you on Superman. Can you believe it? Let's fucking Big hype. Big hype. Yeah.
01:37:32
Speaker
Wow. I'm excited. Very excited. Very good. ah And ah we're also reviewing that. We're also recording an episode of the movie where Daniel Radcliffe says the N-word. So that's fun. Let's go.
01:37:45
Speaker
But until next time, ah we will see you guys. And we'll just say thank you. We're at 60 episodes. Thank you. Got a big thing planned for a one year. So stick around.
01:37:58
Speaker
Get ready for that. And we will see you guys next week. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.