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EP. 44 Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire (2005)
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Transcript
Humorous Banter and Podcast Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
That is shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? i've been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm gonna rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how I identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrubbing the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. I ever think jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
00:00:55
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 43 of the Two Guys, One Screen podcast, a.k.a. the Hemorrhoid Homies. Gerald's is a little bad. Mine's really bad. A.k.a.
00:01:06
Speaker
the Poet Town Boys. My name is Nick. And I'm Gerald. And I'm Tyler. oh Yep. I mean, I was going to introduce you, but that's fine. ah Today we're joined, a the return, the last time you saw our beloved guest was episode 10 for Hereditary.
00:01:24
Speaker
um And he's here to clap back at Jake for talking that shit. Our good friend Tyler's back in the pod. What's up, guys? I'm glad to be back. ah just for the Just let the record state, ah you still have no camera.
00:01:40
Speaker
Yeah, I do not have a camera because I have to pay my own rent. Jake has a house! Yeah, I'm fucking around.
00:01:50
Speaker
ah No, I didn't buy camera. Uh, I probably should get one. i am a hater. I do have a mic though. I was not phoning in on my last, uh, podcast. I am, i am using a microphone.
00:02:02
Speaker
Uh, clip in Jake talking shit here. Okay. Keep going. Oh, right. I was waiting for the clip. And I was trying to you and ah join this with my phone so I could also have ah a visual reference, which I don't need. I'm just doing that because I wanted to hang out with the boys, but it wasn't an option.
00:02:25
Speaker
Spiritually, I'm here with the boys. And honestly, Jake, when these... ah I might... Say it dad it. Who moved out of New York first? Was it Nick or Jake? It was Nick, right?
00:02:37
Speaker
I think Gerald was before all of us. think that was me. No way. Gerald moved to New Jersey longer than you've lived in Boston. Oh, Jake actually moved before both of us too, but he didn't move out. He moved with his parents to right. other South Carolina, right?
00:02:51
Speaker
and Or North. I'm not sure which one. I'll be honest. All right. Yeah. So but um'm know Jake's saying he's not the biggest fan. Oh, did I just cut out? No, no. My monitor keeps shutting off. So it's throwing me off. Jake's saying he's the biggest fan. Our guests have technical difficulties. i don't get it. Yeah.
00:03:06
Speaker
He literally moved out of New York while you guys still lived here to get away from you guys. You guys had to leave New York because I kept stalking you guys. You had to get away from me because I love you.
00:03:17
Speaker
I'm the biggest fan. Jason Hader. He left. Well, to be to be fair, at the podcast- He could have gotten a house.
00:03:24
Speaker
To be fair, the podcast did not exist ah way back then. Actually, a podcast came in and left in that time frame that you're speaking of. That's true. um Yeah.
00:03:37
Speaker
Yeah. So this is your second appearance. Jake has a ah second appearance recorded. I don't think it'll be released quite yet. But we are recording this the day that Violent Night released.
00:03:49
Speaker
So there's that. there's that I have time to cool off after the no after the violent attacks on my character. And basically, I'm just trying to stir the pot so I can get a clip.
00:04:01
Speaker
That's it That's fair. speaking and then we've got to do like ah like a WrestleMania main event. Like they've got to get together on an episode and like go at each other. Dude, four of us on an episode would be fucking insane.
00:04:13
Speaker
Yeah. getting It would be fucking insane. don't think anything would get done. but know No. Jake would be sitting there fucking on the floor with pencil in his mouth.
00:04:27
Speaker
Fucking drooling. That's what he does. He'd be getting stuff done. The erasers would not be on those pencils. Gerald, you want to hit
Engagement and Listener Interaction
00:04:38
Speaker
us with a... plug ah So, follow us on Instagram, 2guys1screenpod.
00:04:44
Speaker
Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to 2guys1screenpod at gmail.com. Follow us on Letterboxd. Leave us a voicemail at 5088FistUs.
00:04:58
Speaker
5088DipTip. All the links will be in the description. Yeah, TikTok's probably gone. We're thinking. and I think I know it's going to be gone. I think I know. Jesus and Friends, as of this recording, did give our profile of you. No comments, no likes, you fake fan.
00:05:14
Speaker
You and all your friends. No, it's okay.
Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire Analysis Begins
00:05:17
Speaker
um I realized just now that I didn't even introduce the movie we're reviewing today. But we are on the fourth installment of Harry Potter with the the Goblet of Fire.
00:05:28
Speaker
This did come out in 2005, so we're not at 2007 yet. However, we should note, post however we should know we are post nine eleven It's true, as we've been noting for each installment. this is a So every action that is negative towards Harry's character or Ron's character could just be a ah reaction to the horrible events of 9-11, and they should be given up. I know it takes place earlier than 9-11.
00:05:55
Speaker
nine eleven Well, actually, Gerald and I have been, ah what's the word? Comparing this to like the Nazis, essentially. Yeah, the entire Harry Potter series. is not of money Yeah, you know, like the the muggles are the Jews, and Voldemort and his followers are the Nazis.
00:06:14
Speaker
yeah Yeah, there's there's definitely a ah like a racial, I don't even want to say undertone, it's like an overtone. Yeah, for sure.
00:06:28
Speaker
villain in the eyes. i don't know how describe it. beholder? ah Yeah, Lucius Malfoy is like the main villain who like you actually see all the time, and he's like right under their noses. He's you know he's like an Aryan. He's he's got like the long blonde hair, the blue eyes, like pale, pale, pale white skin.
00:06:46
Speaker
Hates anybody who's not like them. So yeah, J.K. Rowling was like trying to be subtle, but it's like so obvious. You know what I do have to commend this movie on? Actually, I want to save it for later because I have a button that I got just for this.
00:06:58
Speaker
But all right. um Actually, Todd, wanted to ask you, what is your what's your history with Harry Potter? What's your vibe with it? What's your favorite Harry Potter? Or do you think it is? Because mine's definitely going to change.
00:07:10
Speaker
Uh, so I need to rewatch the fifth and sixth movies. Uh, as a kid, I hated them, but I think yeah half blood prints boring as fuck. I know. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I might really, I might like now, but ah now that I'm like actually able to sit through ah movie, um I might like them more, but it's not my hate my history with Harry Potter, I have only read the first book and I think you miss a lot.
00:07:35
Speaker
without reading the books. So I know that book readers hate Goblet of Fire, but as a fan of the movies, I love Goblet of Fire. It's my favorite. It's definitely my favorite Harry Potter movie.
00:07:46
Speaker
Gerald's a book reader. i' not I've read the Harry Potters. And Jake can't read. Okay. You've read all all seven? Yeah, it makes you really like the movies a lot more because the books are fucking horrible.
00:07:58
Speaker
Whoa! That's probably a hot take, right?
00:08:03
Speaker
Do you think hot, Gerald, or no? So from the people that I've talked to, like I've talked to a lot of people that used to work at my last job and my current job who have read the books, and they're like, the books are like way too...
00:08:17
Speaker
childish like you don't need a lot a lot of the bullshit like i i forget if it's goblet fire or order the phoenix but there's like a whole side plot where hermione is like really like pissed off that they enslave elves in the kitchen of hogwarts and like that's the whole that's her whole thing in the book like that's all she cares about sounds like uh sounds like wicked Yeah, kind of, but it gets to the point where, like, Harry why harry and and Ron are like, I don't know.
00:08:48
Speaker
I don't know why it's doing that. All right, sorry, go ahead. But, like like, there's a point where, like, she talks to the elves in the kitchen, and they're like, no, we're cool. Like, Dumbledore treats us well, and we're just happy to, like, you know, have a place to live and not be fucking tortured.
00:09:04
Speaker
and when she tells the elves like why aren't you in here making me a sandwich kind of all right absolutely baller take by jk rowling to be like no they like being slaves i mean she's a she's a terrible person but yeah uh the movies are in my opinion are better and especially this one because yeah they're i mean we're not readers so we definitely like I enjoy the movies more than the books too, but like, I think if I had read the book and then seen the movie, it might be a little different.
00:09:35
Speaker
Probably, but especially with this movie, this movie really gets into like the dark gritty, like, right. Well, we'll talk about
Physical Media and Directorial Influence
00:09:45
Speaker
that. I have some, I have some thoughts about that.
00:09:48
Speaker
All right. ah Before we do the scene by scene and cast list, I have one physical media pickup that i want to I want to talk about here because this one is fucking wild.
00:09:59
Speaker
I went to Walmart and I bought a DVD, which is kind of unheard of. That's concerning. Yeah. um I'm a big – Gerald knows this. The audience probably doesn't know this. Tyler probably doesn't even know this. I'm a big Hellboy fan.
00:10:12
Speaker
Yeah. When I say big, i go on my go out of my way to watch the – the films. You know, I have the the first two on Steelbook and the remake on Steelbook.
00:10:25
Speaker
And I found this and I heard it was coming out and I don't know why I i was so enthralled and in wanting to buy it. But ah this is Hellboy, The Crooked Man. This came out 2024. This is not coming out until April, I just realized.
00:10:38
Speaker
this is This came out April 2024. This is a half-star movie. This is fucking garbage. This is, if I had the throwaway button, I would use it. But I have Skip, I guess. Skip. How much did you pay for this?
00:10:50
Speaker
$12. Okay. Yeah. It's horrible. Disgusting. It's a half star movie. It's disgusting. I feel like I saw my Walmart have. It looks like a fucking. you keen it It looks fake. It looks like a fake movie. It doesn't look like a real fucking movie. What company put that out?
00:11:07
Speaker
don't know. Millennium Media and Ketchup Entertainment. Ketchup. Ketchup Entertainment, dude. o My Walmart definitely had a Blu-ray of that. All right, so Goblet of Fire released 2005, as I mentioned before. directed Different director, Mike Newell.
00:11:26
Speaker
This is his one and only Harry Potter movie, I'm pretty sure. That is correct, sir. ah He made a movie called Donnie Brasco. It's pretty well known. I haven't seen it. ah The Prince of Persia. That movie's terrible.
00:11:39
Speaker
He made a bunch of films that I haven't seen.
00:11:43
Speaker
I'll say that for Mike Newell. Shout to you, I guess. Made a bunch of nothing. Michael Cormac Newell. ah we' at We'll talk the the newcomers to the cast.
00:11:54
Speaker
And Tyler, since you're the biggest fan, the self-proclaimed biggest fan, you know we have the bedoing, doing, doing button. And did the not fucking it make it to a public episode yet by now?
00:12:06
Speaker
i don't I don't think so. Was it on Violent Night? No. Well, we have this button and it's a clip of Joe from Black Christmas saying he ain't fucking it. So if they're not hot, we use that one.
00:12:18
Speaker
ah If they are hot, we use the... going It's really fucking loud, huh, guys? All right. Well... It's not loud in the podcast. Okay. Uh... lot of newcomers.
00:12:30
Speaker
lot of newcomers. Most notably, Brendan Gleeson, who plays Alistair Mad-Eye Moody. I think Brendan Gleeson's... I say it's kind of often, but I think Brendan Gleeson's kind of underrated as an actor. Yeah. Dude's great.
00:12:42
Speaker
He's really good in Banshees of Inishira. I thought it was amazing.
00:12:47
Speaker
He's in a bunch He's in Imbruge. He's in a couple of Harry Potters. He was in Joker Foley. I do. Unfortunately, movie's a fucking skip. game Moose Trash. Tyler, have seen that movie? He's fucking terrible.
00:12:58
Speaker
i haven't and I don't want to. Don't. yeah You're not missing out Um... He's great. Robert Pattinson, a young Robert Pattinson. He's a youngins. He plays Cedric Diggory.
00:13:09
Speaker
This man's hot. All right. I mean, what are we doing? This is. Yeah. If I could see his piece, I would. Yeah. When we were watching it yesterday, i was like, oh, here's Edward slash Batman.
00:13:20
Speaker
He's here. He's literally here. I think we do have to shout out Ray Fiennes for Voldemort. Yeah. Because he was actually like in the movie this time. He's definitely full oil on makeup. Yeah, no nose.
00:13:32
Speaker
I think they CGI'd that out. Two slits. a Are we trying to fuck Voldenorts? Voldenorts? Voldemorts snorts. Are we trying to fuck his nose holes?
00:13:43
Speaker
I mean, ah if you're game. There's teeth in there. One hole each? Yeah, one hole each. I mean, yeah You know I was thinking the other day? You know that song by Kevin Gates, Money Long?
00:13:54
Speaker
Yeah. my If I was writing that song, be Money Long but my sack longer. cause Oh. fucking long
00:14:01
Speaker
That's a very interesting poll, I'm not going lie. that one in the shower yesterday. don't know why that came to my head. He was staring at his sack like, Stared up my sack reminds me of Kevin Gates.
00:14:15
Speaker
Dude, but he probably has fucking massive meat, and I just got a big little sack. He's also a felon, so we don't we don't condone that. i don't We don't condone these actions. ah um But my sack is definitely longer than my money because not rich.
00:14:28
Speaker
All right, let's move on. David Tennant plays Barty Crouch Jr. Fuck this guy. Yeah, fuck him. ah Pre-drag... Wait, fuck him as the actor or like the character?
00:14:40
Speaker
No, we ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it.
00:14:46
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. That's the clip. ah There's actually three he ain't fucking it. The third one is very aggressive. Yeah. ah I was saying pre-drag Jalak, I guess, plays Igor Karkaroff.
00:15:00
Speaker
Clements Posi plays Fleur Delacour. She's Of age. We're in 1982, dude. She's definitely of age, bro. That's a darn, darn, darn. Damn, she was old. Yeah, she was old as fuck. was playing like a 17-year-old, but she looks young.
00:15:15
Speaker
The French are like the blacks. They don't crack. That's true. um Stancilov, Jan, I can't say this. Janaviski.
00:15:26
Speaker
That's pretty good. Janaviski. Janaviski. I got that's right. He plays Victor Crum. This man looked like Nikola Jokic. yeah I was going to bring that up. Yeah. Well, sorry. You're too slow.
00:15:37
Speaker
um ah Francis de la Tour plays Madame. What the fuck's name? Maxime? Yeah. her Weird name. I ain't fucking her.
00:15:47
Speaker
No, no. Ain't fucking it. She'd throw me around. ah Throw you around? Oi, Tyler got that kink. ah Well, she's fucking you. Yeah, I mean, i mean that's that's definitely a Dom sub situation. Oh, yeah.
00:16:01
Speaker
ah We got Roger Lloyd Pack, who plays Barty Crouch Sr. Here's an interesting one. Miranda Richardson plays Rita Seeker. I feel like this is an ain't fucking it. I was going to say I'm fucking Rita Skeeter. You're fucking Rita Skeeter with your Peter.
00:16:15
Speaker
I am. All right. Even though she's like borderline, like sexually, like assaulting, like Harry a little bit. Harry's bopper. Yeah. In the book, it's worse. Oh, really? What did you do in the book?
00:16:26
Speaker
Hand job? Nah, she's like really handsy. Yeah. Tyler, do you vote? Where are you looking at the cast on IMDb? Because I'm trying to follow along, but it's going out of order for me. Letterboxd. But you have a letterboxd. Okay. Yeah, I do. just didn't know. You should plug it.
00:16:42
Speaker
all right uh rita skeet rita skeeter so are you are you you're skeeting her all right so i've been out voting i'll hit i'll give her the i'll give her that button i've been out voting it's what it is some some about them red lips red tits all right although it's over when when she's like oh it's smaller than i thought it would be and then you see that little quill writing it down you're like no no
00:17:09
Speaker
ah Jeff Rawl plays Amos Diggory, who is Cedric's father. um There are some Death Eaters, but where is the jaw that I wanted to hit?
00:17:24
Speaker
ah Katie. ah Fuck. I think it's Lang. Lang. Maybe. She plays Cho. She is not of age. I repeat, not of age. So we are going to hold off. ah If she makes it to the last movie, she might be able to get it. I don't know. Possibly. we're my Fingers crossed.
00:17:42
Speaker
Fingers crossed we're going have to look up ages when we get there. but yeah um William Melling plays Nigel. And then i actually i want to commend the Harry Potter franchise. We are in the fourth installment of this franchise.
00:17:57
Speaker
And we finally have some diversity. We have... we have had ah Oh, fuck.
00:18:07
Speaker
ah Afshad Azad and Shefali Chowdhury. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They play the Patel like twins.
00:18:18
Speaker
Yeah. They're Indian. Are these the Walmart versions of those chicks we went to high school with? Yes, because they're hotter. they you listening If you're I'll give them the buzz. Oh, God. 100%. You're definitely not listening, but if you are.
00:18:33
Speaker
And if any of you guys know them, you better not say shit, alright? no Nobody that listens to this podcast is even like relevant enough to talk to them. so i I would 100% agree with that.
00:18:44
Speaker
ah Is there anybody else you want to shout out? dearre I think I got everybody, right? Yeah, we got them all, right? We got them all. We got the Johns. uh so again scene by scene breakdown we're gonna spoil fuck movie you somehow haven't seen it um you can listen or you could go watch it and come back whatever you want to do it's on max it's on max also we recommend you buy a physical copy of it yeah let me so maybe it's just me but so far up to this point this is the best looking one at least on the four k
00:19:22
Speaker
Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I might give it the Chamber of Secrets.
Magic Disbelief and Dark Mark Symbolism
00:19:30
Speaker
CGI in this one's still good. There was something that I was suspect of, but i don't remember what it is at this point, so it probably wasn't that bad.
00:19:37
Speaker
CGI-wise? might come across it when I do the scene-by-scene. Was it the serious black in the fire that you were suspect No, that looked good. That looked good. Also, not enough serious black in this movie.
00:19:48
Speaker
No, we need our blacks. Yes, we need the blacks. Seriously, we need blacks. Well, we got Dean Thomas, but he's kind of irrelevant. Bro, Dean Thomas, all he does is like blow that horn to start the Quidditch game, that's it.
00:20:02
Speaker
He walks around sometimes. like And he's like, another point for Gryffindor. Get the fuck out of here. Not get the fuck out. We want you in the movie, but like have a more serious role. You know what I mean? he he he mentioned He mentions ah he has a line.
00:20:18
Speaker
When they're taught when they when ah he's a line, when Moody, when Moody's introduced, they're like, oh, he's an ex aura. And then Dean Thomas just goes aura. Oh, that's true. It's his line. It's true. Yeah, it's his one word.
00:20:32
Speaker
You fucking asshole that Harry Potter. um I did want to actually say I just thought of this. I might have mentioned this on our first episode, but Goblet of Fire, i only had I had this one on DVD, and I remember the night my my dad brought it home and we watched it.
00:20:50
Speaker
I think my sister was there too. Shout to her if she's listening. She's definitely not. Did it scare you? Oh, the scene where the Death Eaters terrorize the Quidditch World Cup. i I was like, turn this off right now.
00:21:02
Speaker
i would not want this on. Is that bad? What? Got you that bad? I mean, I was a pussy as We've been over this, right? Right. Cool. Yeah. i mean, we were... i was I was not fucking with it.
00:21:16
Speaker
I ain't fucking it. So, we'll get there, but I'm going to say it right now. Watching this movie really makes me regret ah where I put my Billy the Puppet tattoo, because I really want the dark mark.
00:21:30
Speaker
That shit's heat. Put it on the other arm. um All right. Well, think about it this way. I wanna to get fish fish. What kind of fish you want to get? and i want a whole underwater sleeve. one That's what I'm aiming for.
00:21:42
Speaker
Put on your leg. Put the fish sleeve on your leg and put the the dark mark on your arm. I could do that, huh? Because a half sleeve with fish and then the dark work look fucking terrible. Respectfully.
00:21:53
Speaker
Well, yeah, I know that. Yeah. What, Tyler? ah If you guys were saying the parallel between the Death Eaters and the Nazi party, do you really want the dark mark on your arm?
00:22:07
Speaker
and Well, here's the difference. yeah like here's here's Harry Potter's fake. right Yeah, but Loki being like a fictional skinhead, which might be what I'm being a real skinhead.
00:22:19
Speaker
Nah, because I guarantee a lot of people have that tattoo. yeah so what if you But what if you got something like balance it out, right? Like you get that one, but you also get like the N or something. The N. I keep calling it the N. The scar.
00:22:30
Speaker
Not on your head, but like if you got it. You know what I mean? Like a face. That would be crazy. You got to get all the N's, you know? if if Yeah. ah I mean, i mean they all they don't have enough N's. That's the point. They need to get more of them.
00:22:42
Speaker
Well, yeah.
00:22:45
Speaker
True. See, that's crazy. Yeah, probably shouldn't say that. That's a rut row. That's a rut row. I might believe that.
00:22:52
Speaker
No, i think that's ah I think that's a cool tattoo because it's fake. Right. Not real. Also, let's be honest, guys. Being a wizard, kind of gay.
00:23:02
Speaker
Right? It's kind of gay. Is it? A little bit. It's just kind of gay, dude. i don't know. Some of them are cool as hell. Cedric Diggory was pretty throughout the Hey, that's because Robert Pattinson.
00:23:14
Speaker
I know, but he was he was doing cool-ass wizard shit. This was before Relevancy. like This is before Twilight. Yeah, but this hot. He is hot. I do believe this is Daniel Radcliffe's worst looking haircut in all the Harry Potter's. Like, what the fuck was his haircut? I kind of like it.
00:23:30
Speaker
You like it? think you might be gay, bro. Well, okay. So I kind of like it more than you're thinking his like first and second movie haircut is good. That shit looks horrible. It's the evolution.
00:23:43
Speaker
I feel like in this movie, he's growing his hair out to be something else. This is not the final form. He's growing it out because he's so stressed. Cut it short. He can't get a haircut. He's stressed.
00:23:53
Speaker
Why can't he get a haircut? He's a fucking wizard. What are you going to Fucking... Clippus Harris? Like... Yeah, something like that, you know? That's good point. Tabala Harris? Is that what you just said?
00:24:04
Speaker
No, fuck that bitch. But... Clippus... Harris. Gerald bleeds red. Yum! i don't I actually bleed nothing. Okay. Yeah, blood's not real. Ask Jake.
00:24:17
Speaker
Shout out Jake again. Shout out Jake and his multiple transfusions. I also don't know how you guys think his haircut looks good. I think it looks fucking wacky shit. He's in his emo phase. Not the worst.
00:24:28
Speaker
Where are you, Voldemort? but Exactly. um All right, we'll do we'll do the scene by scene.
00:24:39
Speaker
The Goblet of Fire. Obviously, i don't know if we have to point this out, but because it's been pointed out so many times on like the internet. But the Warner Brothers logo is gradually getting darker with each right movie.
00:24:53
Speaker
So this one's obviously darker, but it's not blacked, you know what mean? Right. um There is a lot of white girls, though, so we could get there. Out to white girls. Kind of. Shout out to all the girls, right? We can't just shout white girls.
00:25:07
Speaker
that That comes off wrong. Yeah, you're right. I need a black queen in my life. Or Latina, you know? Jake actually doesn't like Latinas. Something wrong with him. i that's I think that's slandering if I say that, right?
00:25:20
Speaker
Because that's, I don't know. I don't know. Tyler probably can't say anything because, you know. He's happily married. happily He's happy. You might well be married, Tyler, at this point. I don't i don't know. I'm not married.
00:25:31
Speaker
you would know Ladies hit him up. He's not married. I know. I hope we'd get that invite. but Yeah. hey that's that's what i you Dude, if I got to drive up that big ass hill to your wedding, I'm not going.
00:25:42
Speaker
I don't live there anymore. What? I don't live at that house anymore. Oh, really? Yeah. i Do you still live in New York? Yeah, I still live in New York. Oh, good for you, dude. I didn't know that.
00:25:54
Speaker
Hemorrhoid update, as we will. ah We are the hemorrhoid homies. I'm in some shit. I'm in some shit. Yeah. I mean, who knows what it's going to be like now because we're recording this in January.
00:26:05
Speaker
I mean, it could be worse in April. yeah I mean, it's surgery by April. Surgery? I don't know, man. What kind of surgery do they do? They got sew them back in, right? They sew them? What do they sew?
00:26:16
Speaker
cut they They probably... You so got a pink sock? I don't know if it's that bad. There's a lot of blood. All I'm saying is there's sometimes there's blood, but now it's like blood in my stool. Right.
00:26:27
Speaker
And don't don't Google blood in your stool because it's going to tell you one of two things. It's going to say hemorrhoids or rectal cancer. Oh, shit. Which you should get. usually yeah You should get fingered one more time.
00:26:40
Speaker
Well, yeah. ah Your doctor said go back if it gets any worse, right? I see him. Yeah, I see him on the 15th. So I'm going to mention it to him. Be like, yo, be like, yo, you got to you got stick your like before you just looked. Now you got to feel right.
00:26:55
Speaker
Yeah. I need you to feel my ass. Like you're kind. of He keeps going like Gerald. Nothing's wrong with you. i don't know why. And you're like, no, you have to put your finger in my ass. Like he's kind of hot, too. So it's like weird yeah you drop his like first name or his last name.
00:27:09
Speaker
Jonathan, you're the goat. Shout out Dr. Jonathan, dude. yeah i can't Can't give his last name. so No, no, no. Don't give his whole name out. We don't want to know who's fingering your butt. Yeah, he's hot. That's all you want to know. We can give him that button. He can give that fucking button.
00:27:24
Speaker
Hell yeah. Even Anna's mom's like, oh, you know, like, with like ah we all see the same doctor. Oh, that's interesting. Sometimes in the same day. It's weird.
00:27:35
Speaker
do you see Do you think he fingers her butt that fingers your butt? That's kind of kinky. That is kind of kinky. Same glove? Is that what you just said? He probably saves the gloves too like a fucking memory. Like glo like a trophy. He like licks it. I don't know.
00:27:53
Speaker
Yeah, he probably blows it up with air and like makes a puppy out of And
00:28:01
Speaker
then he sticks it up his own ass. Yeah. This finger went in Gerald's butt. This finger went in Anna's mom's butt. Yeah. This finger went in Anna's butt. This finger slipped and went in her vagina.
00:28:14
Speaker
Sorry. Sniff it in. Sniff it in. Suck it up. We're 30 minutes in. Yeah. This is going to be forever. Dude, it's hilarious that you came on and your episode is still longest running ep.
00:28:26
Speaker
And then you're going to break your own record. I know. And this is the second longest Harry Potter, so we're in for something. What's the longest one? Half-Blood Prince because they're fucking boring? Chamber Secrets.
00:28:38
Speaker
Oh, that is the longest one? Yeah. Oh. Like three minutes. Oh, okay. We're 30 minutes in and we' we're at the Warner Brothers logo. We are at the Warpods logo. But I believe It opened with a snake, which I believe is Nagini.
00:28:53
Speaker
There you go. Nagini. Nagini. It's definitely Nagini. Nagini. And it's crawling out of the grave of ah one Tom Riddle. Voldemort's got that fucking snake on him. You know? Familiar?
00:29:05
Speaker
ah We get the... title card and we cut to the i wrote gravekeeper but you say he's a muggle what a muggle caretaker he's the caretaker of like the cemetery yeah all right gravekeeper whatever the fuck grave robber great fucker no uh don't fuck what he ain't fucking it that's where that fuck that yeah he's he ain't fucking it he's not fucking it he ain't fucking it yeah for some reason he ain't fucking it for some reason no we know why you know why he's not fucking it Might get maggots in your dick hole.
00:29:36
Speaker
This muggle fucking piece of shit guy in Voldemort's eyes, right? He's a muggle piece of shit. Right? good good right right In muggle's eyes. ah There's some building. Some house.
00:29:47
Speaker
Yeah. you He's like, there's a light on over there. Damn, kids. Damn, yeah. lot of cursing in this movie. ah Is damn a curse word? No. All right. They say piss. That's W. W. He goes to investigate this house, which is very much abandoned.
00:30:05
Speaker
And you hear ah voice, which is... Yeah, it's Voldemort's voice. I didn't know if i should spoil it or not. The muggle caretaker is just outside the door.
00:30:18
Speaker
And he's talking to Wormtail, which is Peter Pettigrew's alter ego. What's the deal with that, by the way? he's like It's like Batman Bruce Wayne. It's like Wormtail Peter Pettigrew.
00:30:29
Speaker
Well, because they all had like aliases and when they were all in school. You know, Padfoot, Prawns, Wormtail. Who's Padfoot?
00:30:41
Speaker
It's one of them. Talking about Paddington? No. Shout out to that bear, bro. movie. Fuck that bear. What the fuck? That's good movie, dude. You have age? Right now, Paddington in Peru is probably out by now.
00:30:53
Speaker
It definitely is. All right. Anyways, so um wrote down that we do hear Voldemort saying whatever he's talking about cannot be done without Harry Potter. He needs Harry Potter.
00:31:07
Speaker
He doesn't. Right. Well, I would argue...
00:31:12
Speaker
I'll save that rant for later. I sneed him. Yeah. ah And then, so, Pedigree sees this keeper standing outside, and Voldemort asks him to step out of the way to give him a proper greeting.
00:31:25
Speaker
And essentially, this man gets Avadra Kadavras, which He's dead. um look ka ze he's dead He's fucking gone. By the way, Tyler, that comes up every time there's a... A spell.
00:31:36
Speaker
A spell. or Except for one special spell. It's only used one fucking time in this whole goddamn movie. Pissed me the fuck off. They use it more and more. Don't worry. I know they do. I've seen the movies. I know. It just pissed me off for only once. I've been dying to fucking use this goddamn button.
00:31:51
Speaker
um Anyways... It turns out this is all a part of a dream that one Harry Potter was having ah who was awakened by Hermione. Tyler, do you want to mention the...
00:32:04
Speaker
Yes. So when ah Harry Potter gets woken up by Hermione he's from this nightmare, ah the first noise he makes is absolutely a duck quack.
00:32:15
Speaker
he doesn't He doesn't go like, what? He lets out... If I did an impression of it, it wouldn't do it justice. It is a duck quack. I think they edited in
00:32:27
Speaker
He kind of goes at after further review. There is a fucking quack. Yeah, I played it on the mic and it is. It's real. You have to go watch the movie yourself. So you have to see the quack. um So they get woken up and they're they're at the Weasleys and they're going for a walk and no one really knows where they're going, which is kind of funny.
00:32:48
Speaker
And they meet Amos and Cedric Diggory. ah And as per usual in this franchise, Amos is like shocked and very impressed to meet Harry Potter.
00:33:02
Speaker
He's all like Merlin's beard. You're Harry Potter. And it's just like, shut the fuck up. what What do you think Merlin's beard is like their equivalent, like our equivalent? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.
00:33:14
Speaker
Yeah. i don't know. ah I don't know. Merlin's beard. What do you think's more hairy? Merlin's beard or Hagrid's dark forest? Oh, it's gotta be Hagrid, right? What does Merlin even look like?
00:33:26
Speaker
He's just like stereotypical, like, like Zeus. No, no, he's just old dude, long beard. Picture Gandalf, but like Merlin. He's got a pointy hat.
00:33:38
Speaker
This man, it's, it's all the, it's all the live action ones. He looks like Nicholas Holt. He does. The live action one. Just
00:33:49
Speaker
type in Merlin's beard. Bro, Merlin looks like a fucking... I can't say that word. Twink. it's Fucking squeak, dude.
00:34:00
Speaker
Oh, actually, he's kind of a baller here. He does have a crazy beard. Yeah. They walk up to ah ah boot, which for some reason my notes autocorrected to a lot.
00:34:12
Speaker
Yeah, they walk up to a lot. um that is um also autocorrected to portly, not portkey. It's a portkey. We learn that portkeys exist in the Wizarding World.
00:34:23
Speaker
It's a portkey. It's a portkey. And they all grab onto this boot. Harry almost misses it. correct because he's like what the this is what also pisses me off pisses me up off from the next scene too why is harry potter so shocked that magic it's your fourth year at hogwarts bro like that magic exists yeah what it's like why are we gathering around this dirty old boot uh i don't know maybe it has magic powers you fucking moron I'm so happy that Tyler's on this fucking podcast to echo what I've been saying the past three films.
00:34:58
Speaker
Yeah, no, they just have this constant like arc of Harry being like, oh my god, that one shot light out of it. Bro, you've been here for four years.
00:35:09
Speaker
You've seen moving staircases. Why is the boot surprising you? You fucking, it's That's where I'm at, dude. That is so where I'm at. It feels good to let Tyler do it and not make me do it. Yeah.
00:35:22
Speaker
And we'll bring it up again in a couple minutes. yeah Literally in a couple minutes. ah They all go spinning and this portal opens. They let go the boot and they end up at the Quidditch World Cup.
00:35:35
Speaker
So Harry, Ron and Hermione all like fall flat on their back. And all the adults are and Cedric, are they just Mary Poppins like waltz onto the ground.
00:35:47
Speaker
They come across a ah tent that looks like an average-sized tent, and they walk inside, and it's like a massive tent. Shocker, Harry's like, oh I love magic.
00:36:02
Speaker
Yeah. like you thought you You realistically thought 12 motherfuckers were going to fit in one tent? um ah At least in Harry's defense, that's like a little bit better. no it's not. le No, it's better. No, I would like to point out ah Arthur is the father, right? Arthur, Arthur Weasley is the dad.
00:36:21
Speaker
um He holds the door. He's the first one to the tent. He holds the door open for every single person. And then as soon as Harry's outside, Arthur Weasley goes inside and lets the flap close behind him.
00:36:34
Speaker
So he's fucking pissed off with Harry too. He's like, I can't wait to fucking hear him go, oh, I can't believe it's bigger. Fuck you, kid. you It's fucking magic. Been through this shit. We have a flying fucking car. You think a bigger tent?
00:36:48
Speaker
It's not even a mansion. We have a flying fucking car. It's valid. It's so funny. um
00:37:00
Speaker
We caught it and we're at the the game. We're at the game and they're going to their seats which are way high up and they run into the Malfoys who ah are... They're seated in the minister's box. Not his vagina. I'm trying to sit in your minister's box. You're more than welcome to, babe.
00:37:17
Speaker
Ron's like, Dad, how high up are we? And for some reason... Sorry. For some reason, Lucius Malfoy's like voice really pisses me off here. He's like, Where? If it rains, you'll be the first to near.
00:37:31
Speaker
really fucking bothers me man and then and then draco you know lucius malfoy's being like a cocky asshole being like you guys have shitty seats we have good ones and then draco's like yeah, our seats are good. He's be humble, boy. And it's like, bro, what were you just fucking doing?
00:37:46
Speaker
Yeah. um The game is, it's Ireland versus Bulgaria. And I'll be honest, I'm kind of shocked they have like normal ass countries in Harry Potter world. dave Yeah.
00:37:57
Speaker
Just like Ireland versus Bulgaria. um And they're watching the game. And this is where where we meet ah Victor Crumb, not Kevin Wendell Crumb, who is from Split, if you didn't get that reference.
00:38:08
Speaker
And not... Victor Cum either. Who's Victor Cum? I'm trying to find Just like jizz. Yeah, take the R out of crumb and you get cum. Well...
00:38:20
Speaker
Right. Okay. well as it's As alluded to later in the film, he might have come. Also, ah Michael Doherty would keep the R. As we've established. he like Oh, he would keep the r Yeah, for sure. would definitely keep the R. Right.
00:38:33
Speaker
Okay. ah He is the best seeker in Quidditch in the entire world. Did you know that? Sorry, Harry. He's their Nikoli Jokic. He's literally Nikoli Jokic. He single-handedly carries them. Yeah. He's the he's the three-time MVP.
00:38:49
Speaker
we yeah We don't watch the actual game. It just cuts, and they're all the tent celebrating. And Ron is sucking some crumb cock here, dude. I mean, he's all He's not an athlete. He's an artist.
00:39:01
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of crazy how much they they love this man. Yeah, start making fun of him for being a glazer, which I think is kind of funny. I'll glaze you. Oh.
00:39:12
Speaker
Krispy Kreme. the The World Quidditch Cup is attacked by Death Ears. I wrote down here, and let me know if you agree. Is this their No, I think it's like their Boston bombing.
00:39:27
Speaker
So what's their 9-11, you think? August attacked at the end? yeah Yeah, maybe. maybe I don't know. That one's tough. I don't know. All right. Well, yeah let me know what you think. Yeah.
00:39:41
Speaker
Anyways, because the Death of Years attack, there is like a lot of panic and Harry. I almost said Henry a again, Gerald. There's this thing, Tyler, where the past three movies I've said Henry like at least once, if not twice. I don't know why keep calling him Henry.
00:39:53
Speaker
But Harry gets separated and it essentially just gets trampled. Literally trampled. Yeah. Sucks. And he wakes up and everything is like fucking destroyed, burned to the fucking ground.
00:40:06
Speaker
And there's no one. And he sees some random dude. Just out in the distance. Out in the distance. Who summons the... What do you call this?
00:40:20
Speaker
It's the Dark Mark. The Dark Mark, but it is... It's Voldemort's like... Yeah, it's like Voldemort's sign. It's like the Bat-Signal book for Voldemort. Or a swastika.
00:40:31
Speaker
Right. and Whatever Yitch is. So he sees this random dude. ah And then Hermione, he hears Hermione and Ron calling for him. And they are able to reconnect.
00:40:42
Speaker
And the ministry shows up. And the one time we get it, they hit the... They hit Stupify, which, shout out Disturb, it's my favorite fucking band. I've been waiting to use Stupify for a long time.
00:40:54
Speaker
It's one of my favorite Disturbed songs. If you don't listen to Disturbed or you don't like Disturbed, don't listen to this podcast anymore. um That's a threat. Are you not down with the sickness? I'm down with the fucking sickness. I'm down with the tizzy, too.
00:41:07
Speaker
I got autism, for sure. Unbiagnosed. on ah the So the ministry shows up and and says stupefy, which is a spell. They don't just say it. they just like
00:41:19
Speaker
ah but Mr. Weasley, who we know is a part of the ministry, is like, dude, what the fuck y'all doing? That's my kid. They're just kids. And we meet Barty Crouch, who is like, bro, you are here. You're a part of this crime. They're fucking kids, you retard. Who is the dude who is at the scene of a crime? i don't like his voice either.
00:41:37
Speaker
No, his voice sucks. um Well, I've got good news for you later. Yeah. Thank God. I do like that Harry Potter is like is like their LeBron James. Like they show up to the scene. No, no. LeBron's just like sitting there and they're like, are you innocent? like like As soon as they saw it was Harry, they were kind of like, oh, my bad. Like, you're good.
00:41:58
Speaker
Like they didn't question him any further. They immediately thought he was the prime suspect. And then once they saw it was Harry, they were like, nah he's good. I feel like Crouch wanted to fucking prosecute this man.
00:42:10
Speaker
No, but you didn't feel that hard. Think about it. like you A cop comes up to you. They're whoa, you're standing over this dead body. wolf Well, first of all, and we got to get all the facts. I black and am my white? Well, yeah it's seeing the seeing the final result, i would say you had to be white.
00:42:26
Speaker
but If I'm black and I jaywalk, going to get murdered.
00:42:32
Speaker
Uh, Tyler, you didn't hear it because it's not out yet, but I went on a fucking rampage last episode about how Harry doesn't do shit. Yeah. he These movies are not about him. Yeah, okay, that's fair. I was trying to think of just someone really famous.
00:42:45
Speaker
I don't know if Harry is the LeBron James. I might argue Harry is the Brian Scalabrini.
00:42:54
Speaker
He's their Beyonce. So they we cut to Hogwarts. ah Actually, I'm sorry, the Hogwarts Express. And for some reason, Ron does not have enough money to get snacks.
00:43:05
Speaker
He's broke. Fucking broke. but I don't know how he's broke. Harry offers to like you know yeah get it for him. So Harry gets up, and this is all set up just so Harry and Cho can make eye contact.
00:43:16
Speaker
Really creepy contact. Oh, it's not done well at all, no. <unk> He's like looking at her, and he's literally going like,
00:43:27
Speaker
ah yeah and he's got like his teeth out it's horrible i yeah but this fucking stupid haircut yeah agree you he's popping a boner right on the hogwarts express she's trying to get this hog expressed hey yo no
00:43:42
Speaker
she's trying to get that hogs mead hey oh we made that joke but good for you you're a real fan dude you're a real fan we made that joke um So they make some weird eye contact and chill gets pumpkin pasties, which I still equivalent to putting in fucking stuff over your nipples. I don't care. Anybody says, I don't know. it Shit.
00:44:01
Speaker
um Shout out. What's her name? Who was that dude? Who was that chick that Gravy did a single with? Mia something? Oh, Mia Gladstone? Who wore pasties at that concert we went to? It was very strange. Shout out to you. It was a strange one, dude.
00:44:16
Speaker
yeah But then there that chick at the Corday concert who straight up just had her nipples out. Oh, that's also true. Yeah, she had going out. Very warm tasteful nipple. I think she was performing.
00:44:26
Speaker
I think she was opener. Yeah. Shout out Bennett. Yeah, shout out Bennett. And shout out that guy that was like high off his ass, ah falling on the ground every time at the Corday concert.
00:44:38
Speaker
I don't remember him for some reason. It's okay. Okay. um So... They're all talking about what happened at the World Cup. Harry's talking about the dream you have from the beginning of the film.
00:44:49
Speaker
And Hermione's like, you better tell Sirius. So he writes a letter on the train and sends Hedwig off to drop this letter off. Which, owls are pretty fucking cool. This man, Sirius Black, is like on the run.
00:45:02
Speaker
But Hedwig Milberg is. yeah Yeah, that's a gangster. point and Like, how? Oh, because Hedwig's her. Hedwig is her. Or is it him?
00:45:13
Speaker
I don't know if Hedwig's a boy or pretty you called me out for misgendering this owl once. ah Let's do this. Let's Google this. What is Hedwig's pronouns? Oh, that's a good one hewig Is Hedwig a girl or a boy?
00:45:27
Speaker
In the Harry Potter series, Hedwig is a female snowy owl. Let's get it. She got that fucking... She got that what? That wagon? What? What does she got? She got that beak to give you that fucking neck. Yeah, she can give me beak. talking about fucking owls. That's not okay. She could swallow the hole.
00:45:45
Speaker
Swallow you hole? Hey, that was good, Tyler. would swallow the prey hole. Pretty good. We're at Hogwarts now, and the the schools, the two schools pull up the the Bo Baxtons on their fucking flying carriage, and the drumstrang, I believe, is called.
00:46:03
Speaker
Yeah. With their underwater boat fucking rip-off Pirates of the Caribbean. caribbean ah Dumbledore announces to Hogwarts that their school... School's been chosen ah for the Triwizard Tournament. And as he's doing this, Filch runs up and then runs off.
00:46:19
Speaker
He, like, whispers something in his ear and leaves. He's, like, high-stepping. But, like, what is what What was the point of this later? Do we know? Oh, yeah, that's a good point. I didn't really think about that. You never find out why. um So the Triwizard... Is this movie or, like, ever? No.
00:46:33
Speaker
there's no There's no follow-up. JK Rowling, you suck. All right. ah So of the three schools, they select a single student to participate in the Triwizard Tournament. We'll get into the details more later.
00:46:46
Speaker
ah So we have the Bo Baxton Academy of Magic, which is an all-women's school led by, a as we mentioned, Madam Maxine. Maxime. It's an M, right? Maxime.
00:46:58
Speaker
Kind of weird to say. ah She's tall as fuck. She's taller than Hagrid. She's got to be like...
00:47:05
Speaker
taller than Yao Ming. Bro, she, yeah I mean, she's Yao Ming height, if not taller. I agree with that. For sure. Uh, we get the drum string who are led by Igor Karkaroff, uh, and Victor Crum from earlier is a student at this school.
00:47:19
Speaker
This is very theatrical. The entrance isn't very childish. I didn't like it at all. I really um yeah was bad just, just fucking, just fucking walk in and like wave and be like, all right, we're here. Yeah, but they showed ass.
00:47:30
Speaker
They did zoom in on the ass, which means they're of age. Exactly. Ask me, right? If they weren't of age, they would have gotten canceled by now we can tried We can fuck all of their asses.
00:47:42
Speaker
If you're into that kind of thing. Ron is. um There's a quick cut of a man... limping with a cane towards Hogwarts. Got that pimp limp.
00:47:53
Speaker
Got that stanky leg. um We cut and there's a weird conversation between Hagrid and Madame Maxime and he's basically got the hots for her. He stabbed that little fucking... Professor Flitwick. Flitwick. He stabbed her with a fork.
00:48:09
Speaker
It's Warwick Davis. Right. I'm sorry. The leprechaun himself. Yeah. ah We cut. Not no cut. Just Dumbledore is talking to the the dining hall. The Triwizard wins eternal glory.
00:48:22
Speaker
ah Three. There's three dangerous tasks, um but there's been some changes this year and they bring in the Ministry of Magic. He is the head of magical cooperation. There's too many fucking heads. OK, Barty Crouch himself.
00:48:36
Speaker
Bartimus Crouch. So if you win eternal glory, does that mean someone comes in and like drills a hole and someone's just constantly ready to suck your cock? I, if that's what that means, I'm so fucking great. I'd be, I'd be so down for that.
00:48:51
Speaker
right I get why Fred and George were trying to get in that thing now. Exactly. Every man. So what would it be for women? Getting their clits sucked? Yeah. I mean, there was no shot she was going to win because men are better athletes, but like, that's not that's not, that's not a hot take. That's a real thing. That's a real thing. That's a real thing though.
00:49:11
Speaker
that's a real thing though No one watches the WNBA. Okay, people watch stuff. I mean, just not as many. But, like, why do you think men and women have separate sports? because they're not as good at it. In the Wizarding World, though, I mean, like, it's a fictional yeah In the Wizarding World, you have to, like, transform yourself into a man to compete.
00:49:27
Speaker
Yeah, transfiguration. Right. did you say, What did you say, Tyler? No, I was just saying, like if Hermione was competing, she would have fucking won. She's Hermione. Yeah, because Hermione's better than all of them.
00:49:38
Speaker
Right. I'll be honest. She's girl. Hermione's probably better than Dumbledore, I'll be honest with you. don't know about that. Yeah, Dumbledore doesn't shit. Yeah, smash Dumbledore over Dumbledore doesn't do shit, bro. He's old. He doesn't have to do anything. He drinks that fucking stupid liquid in that other movie. It's boring as fuck until he drinks that liquid, but that it's over.
00:49:53
Speaker
All right. Gerald's pissed when I said that. That movie's boring as fuck. I can't wait to get that movie so I can shit on it. I'm going to defend it. I know. This going to be a fun episode. Yeah, he hates that. It's a movie all about Snape, dude.
00:50:04
Speaker
I gave it hate that. I gave it three. so It's boring. That's why. But Snape's the best character. Snape is the best character, but it's boring as fuck. I would fuck Alan Rickman's dead corpse. Alan Dickman. I think I made that joke already.
00:50:17
Speaker
Probably. um
00:50:21
Speaker
So, Barty is about to go up to the the podium and the lights start fucking up in the dining hall.
Key Characters and Triwizard Tournament
00:50:28
Speaker
And this is where where we see Mad-Eye Moody and he kind of just zaps it and fixes it.
00:50:34
Speaker
Who is Alistair Moody, who is in he's an Auror, which he's a the dark wizard catcher, which is not a great name looking back on it. Dark witch, dark dark wizard catcher. Yeah.
00:50:46
Speaker
Not a great name. No, he's basically the cops. Right. And half Azkaban is filled with people he caught. If we did, I mean, if you don't know Mad Eye movie looks like, one of his eyes is all fucked up.
00:50:59
Speaker
um And it's like ah it's like a bionicle eye, essentially. Shout out bionicles. I had a bionicle as a kid. Shout to him. and One eye is like kind of always focused on Harry Potter.
00:51:10
Speaker
And he's constantly taking a swig of something, which you're led to believe is just alcohol because he's a fucking... he's so He's a weird guy. He's a quirky dude. It's not pumpkin juice. Yeah, it's not pumpkin juice.
00:51:22
Speaker
Crouch goes on to announce that anyone under the age of 17 cannot enter the Triwizard Tournament, which... That's rubbish. Pisses everybody off. ah Dumbledore unveils the Goblet of Fire.
00:51:35
Speaker
And he says, you know, you throw your name in the pot. And once you do, it's there's no turning back. You're in it. That's it. In it to win it. We cut. And guess what? Fourth installment. Fourth new fucking defense against the dark arts teacher. The acronym we made, ti by the way, is Dada.
00:51:50
Speaker
Dada class. um So Moody is the new Dada teacher. Uh, and he, uh, he says he was in the, uh, in the ministry and the malcontent division or the fuck he says ministry malcontent, something like that.
00:52:08
Speaker
Uh, he's a bad motherfucker. Basically he's seen some shit and he's not okay anymore. That's not, yeah that's what it is. That's why he's mad. at Well, he's mad. I cause his eyes fucking mad, but he could also be mad. Cause maybe he has PTSD.
00:52:20
Speaker
I would agree with that. Yeah, and I think that just further highlights that Dumbledore is horrible at hiring Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers. Also, Snape wants it, so just give it to Snape. yeah Well, Snape doesn't want Dumbledore. He just wants the position.
00:52:33
Speaker
Right, right. Okay. ah And here we learn about the three unforgivable curses, because if you said they'll put you in Azkaban, and Moody shares that.
00:52:44
Speaker
ah The Ministry says, I can't show them to you, but fuck it. fuck it we ball um he calls on ron to give him one and ron knows about one curse that his dad told him about which is the imperious curse uh and essentially moody has a spire looking it's like a spire and a crab fucked it's a real thing it's a real creature what is it it's a scorpion no it's not i promise you it's a form of scorpion really Yeah. ah The past three times, by the way, that Gerald's like, I promise you it's this. I've double checked like the cauldron thing. You were 100% right about it. She had a little baby cauldron.
00:53:23
Speaker
Right. When he says this, typically he's right. He's been right the past three times. Look tailless whip scorpion on Google. I want you to fucking whip me, baby.
00:53:36
Speaker
I'm just going to keep talking while you look that up. Yeah. ah So Moody hits moody hits this ah scorpion spider jaw with an Gorgio, which makes it bigger. I look a zo i wish I could use an Gorgio for my fucking meat.
00:53:52
Speaker
Yeah. My ween. And then the opposite to make my ball smaller. Yeah. What is the is there a one to make stuff smaller? They make those dragons smaller. If you think about it, there is one. It's in the games, but I can't remember.
00:54:06
Speaker
So, Imperial, you have complete control of... like Moody has complete control of this Scorpion. He can just like direct it to go wherever it wants.
00:54:18
Speaker
He floats it around all the students' desks. We get brown people here, which is amazing. I'm i'm so proud of fucking ah the people at Harry Potter for giving us diversity.
00:54:28
Speaker
I talk to so many black people on a daily basis. Like... It's great. It's great. They're good people. Which this isn't a bit like for real did not have anybody other than whites for the first three films.
00:54:41
Speaker
Yeah. It's stupid. They finally have an Asian woman and they name her fucking Ching Chong. but ah Well Moody basically goes on to say like you can like if with this curse you can force them to drown themselves. You can hold them underwater. You can fucking smash them into a tree.
00:55:00
Speaker
He said that this is how Voldemort got everybody to do his bidding. But you can't tell if they're lying. Right. ah The next curse, we find Neville Longbottom volunteered, which is the Cruciatus curse.
00:55:15
Speaker
Yeah, which has very... It's funny how he went to Neville on purpose, as we'll learn later. Right.
00:55:25
Speaker
Do we say why? or i don't get why, so why is it... We'll get there.
00:55:31
Speaker
Oh, I think I put it together now. um It's a torture curse and he makes Neville stand there while he fucking tortures the spider. ah And Hermione yells out for him to stop because Neville's uncomfortable.
00:55:46
Speaker
And this is pretty fucking savage. Moody drops a spider on Hermione's desk. He's like, yeah, what's the final one? She's like, I'm not doing it. And then he just Avadra Kedavra's fucking spider right at her desk.
00:55:57
Speaker
yeah That shit was savage. that's He's a gangster for that. I'll be honest, this whole scene is one of my favorite scenes in the movie. 100%. Shout out Hogwarts Legacy.
00:56:08
Speaker
ah That game is amazing. Tyler, have you played that? I have. I couldn't play through all of it though. i was getting I wasn't a huge fan. I liked it enough, but I didn't love Oh, man, when I unlocked Avada Cadaver, I just went killing everybody.
00:56:20
Speaker
yeah Fuck them. I don't care. it like As soon as you learn that spell, like you're just immediately evil. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I'm killing everybody. Fuck it. I was going to ask you, did that put you on notice if you start using that spell?
00:56:33
Speaker
Yeah. No. Oh, don't they not even get in trouble? Yeah, you don't get in trouble in like in the games, but like you're classified as like evil. Like your notoriety bar, you're just immediately evil.
00:56:45
Speaker
Oh, wow. But yeah, you could walk up like in the school, and like if there's an enemy in the school, you could just use it, and the kids are like, hey, cool. yeah Cool spell. I saw like a video of someone using that spell, and they hit like a dummy with a vodicadabra, and one of the professors is just like, you should not be using that spell.
00:57:05
Speaker
Like, where's the Dementors? Like, get this man in Azkaban. yeah After Moody kills that spider, he says there's only one student that survived the Avadra Kedavra curse, which is Harry Potter.
00:57:19
Speaker
Shocker. Shocker. We cut and Ron, Hermione and Harry are leaving the class and Ron thinks Moody is brilliant, which I agree. He's a fucking God.
00:57:30
Speaker
Hermione's fucking pissed. um And she's complaining that that he like made Neville uncomfortable and Moody comes out to console Neville. He's like, I want to show you something, which is not his wiener.
00:57:42
Speaker
No, let's have a cup of tea. Yeah, which typically I feel like if you're going to try to lure a kid to molest him, you'd probably say let's go a cup of tea, right? Oh, in Britain for sure. and Right. I mean, we don't know, but... Nah, but here it's like, you want some candy?
00:57:56
Speaker
Right. Want a hop-hop? Want a van? Want a happy meal? Yeah. You want a happy meal or a happy ending? You're going to get both. Spoiler alert. It's going to be a happy ending for me, not for you. Yeah, it's gonna be it's probably going to ruin the rest of your life, but I'll be happy.
00:58:12
Speaker
I feel like we shouldn't shut that out. No. No, shout it out. You're out loud. No, now I probably cut that. Yeah, we probably should shout out. We should probably not. don't think it's... Can shout it out?
00:58:25
Speaker
feel like in the guy's perspective, it's art. Right. ah We cut to students entering their names into the Goblet of Fire. We see Cedric enter his name. Fred and George try to enter their name by taking an aging potion, but there is an age line that Hermione says Voldemort drew himself.
00:58:43
Speaker
Dumbledore, not Voldemort. Happens. They put their names in the cup and they're like, oh, we did it. And then it gets shot right back out. Uh... And they start fighting and they also turn old.
00:58:56
Speaker
Yeah, literally like 80. ah That was kind of childish. And then we see Crumb enter his name. And then the next scene is ah everyone gathered to hear the the winners, the participants of the Triwizard Cup.
00:59:14
Speaker
ah The first name that's shot out of the Goblet of Fire is ah Victor Crumb, which is no surprise to anybody. Yeah, they made a big deal about him, so...
00:59:25
Speaker
yep The second winner is Fleur Delacour. i ah Who cares? Piece of ass. Piece of ass. And Cedric Diggory is the third one.
00:59:38
Speaker
And suddenly, ah well also before that happens, we learn that the winner gets the actual cup. Which, imagine doing all that shit just to get a cup. In eternal glory holes. Yeah, but but no one's sucking you off.
00:59:52
Speaker
I mean, it's one sucking me off, sure, but like that's not confirmed. Nice little shiny cup. Yeah, I mean, that's not worth it for me. It could be your cum cup. you think do you think that Do you think this is like winning the Heisman Trophy, where it's just like you just have it like on your record?
01:00:07
Speaker
Probably. Not enough for me. i mean, you're almost going to die. Yeah. Granted, you could die playing football, but I feel like the chances of dying in the Triwizard Cup versus playing football are pretty different.
01:00:18
Speaker
Right. Right, and it it is like there a career path with this? like If you play football... You know, after you win the Heisman, you probably get drafted. You're making money. They're not going to go, like, play run around in a maze and swim with mermaids after Hogwarts and make money. They're really just, like, risking their 17-year-old life just for, like, a cool cup.
01:00:39
Speaker
They're risking their life just to get Avadra Kedavra by Voldemort for being a dirty mudblood. yeah I mean, hey, you could become a teacher at Hogwarts. That'd be kind of lit, right?
01:00:50
Speaker
Which the teacher should really should fucking do more with at this school, I'll be honest. But yeah, you have like the greatest witches and wizards here and they just don't, the kids will do it. Yeah, that's crazy to me. ah Suddenly the goblet spits out a fourth name and it's Harry Potter.
01:01:05
Speaker
Shocker. And I'll be honest, the following scenes don't I don't like, but I'll get into that as we get there. Dumbledore starts yelling for Harry Potter to come up and Harry's like shocked. um And he finally comes up and the school is all yelling. He's a cheater. He's a cheater.
01:01:22
Speaker
um Harry comes up to Dumbledore and then they just like make eye contact and he just walks up to like the champions area, which is fucking stupid because if I was Harry Potter, I'd be like, I'd fuck put my name in there.
01:01:36
Speaker
Yeah. He just says nothing. He's just silence is compliance. Right. Right. ah Which really pissed me off because is you're kind of feeding the narrative that you cheated. i get you're shocked, but I'd be like, I didn't fucking do that.
01:01:50
Speaker
Yeah, but the next scene will tell you. you know Yeah, I guess it wouldn't have mattered. Well, it might have mattered in that moment. No, because the scene after that don't like either, but we can we'll talk about it.
01:02:02
Speaker
um Then it just cuts and we're in... Where is this? I think it's Dumbledore's office. But he goes down. does go down. Like that gate opens and then he goes down into some jawn.
01:02:16
Speaker
The pedophile ring. Yeah, he's like. I don't know. I don't know. He's in a room. um He's like standing there and we hear Dumbledore coming down this road with the professors and Crouch ah arguing.
01:02:28
Speaker
And Dumbledore asks if Harry Potter put his name in the Goblet of Fire. Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire? Yeah. No. Um, and Moody says that there's no possible way he did it because it takes, uh, an exceptional confundus charm to trick the Goblet of Fire, which a fourth year is just not capable of.
01:02:50
Speaker
Um, and they're all like, what are we going to do? And Dumbledore decides to default to Crouch, who says the rules are absolute and it's a binding magical contract. So Harry Potter has to do the Triwizard Cup, which is like, he's the fuckhead who came up with the rule.
01:03:08
Speaker
For, like, you can't be, you you have to be 17 or older. And then, you know, he's the one who's like, um, uh, yeah, I guess the role doesn't really matter. But they all, like, know somebody tampered with the cut.
01:03:22
Speaker
Sure. And they still let him do it. Like, Moody thinks it's Karkarov.
01:03:28
Speaker
Which, well, Moody is Moody, is Moody Moody? I mean, Moody, Moody's not Moody this entire movie, so. Shout out to him.
01:03:40
Speaker
Fuck that kid. Bleep that name. Fuck that kid. Can we say that name? We can't say that, right? Nah, don't shout him out. Fuck it. ween a Definitely don't shout him out. But we can't, like, drop his whole government name, I mean.
01:03:53
Speaker
No. Probably not. Because he's, like, a real person. Unfortunately. And his dad was in the military, so... Oh, alright, we're gonna bleep his name. Um... Yeah, so ah we cut, and I believe this is where ah they're in Dumbledore's office.
01:04:10
Speaker
with It's McGonagall, Dumbledore. I believe Severus is there as well. And McGonagall is begging Dumbledore not to let Harry, you know, play. And she's like, he's not just a piece of meat, dude. You gotta fucking save this kid.
01:04:22
Speaker
And Snape's like, ah to be fair, I think we should... just let it play out because you know fuck this name fucking hates Harry so Dumbledore's like yeah I agree with Severus yeah yeah that was funny where he just like cuts off McGonagall Also, Severus, to to to Snape's point a little bit, he's like, if we think there's like nefarious actions going on, we might as well like let this play out and see what happens.
01:04:51
Speaker
I mean, it's just a kid, right? Who fucking cares? That's like yeah where Snape is coming from. and He's like, you know I don't care if Harry dies. I fucking hate this kid. but Dumbledore, like his whole thing is like protecting Harry. Dumbledore's overrated, bro. I'm sick of this. Yeah, I agree.
01:05:04
Speaker
I'm Gandalf supremacy. gar He's like, let's just throw Harry out to the fucking wolves. um And he also Dumbledore also asked Moody to watch over Harry Potter.
01:05:17
Speaker
I mean, watch him pull a memory out of his head and drop it in that John, which I have the name written down somewhere, but it's not right here. It's like his memory. John. Yeah. the The thing is, it's called something, but I don't have written right here, but I will let you know when we get there, which I'm pretty sure it is like towards the end of movie, but whatever.
01:05:34
Speaker
ah We cut to the dorms and Ron's mad at Harry because ah Harry didn't tell him he put his name in the Goblet of Fire. And Harry does not make any kind of effort to tell Ron, like, dude, it really wasn't me.
01:05:46
Speaker
Like, he just says it one time and Ron's like, piss off. Literally. I just think Harry does nothing to help, like, change his narrative. Yeah, he just says, he's like, I don't want eternal glory. I just want to be me.
01:05:58
Speaker
He's like, yeah, but you're Harry Potter. So you can't just being you is having eternal glory. Right. I just feel like he's like ah kind of limp dick pussy, which is kind of what I've been saying this whole time.
01:06:08
Speaker
and He calls Ron stupid, and he's like, yeah, that's me, Harry Potter's stupid friend. Ron's a pussy, dude. Also, Ron's a fucking... Also, Ron, you can't piece together that fucking something might be up.
01:06:22
Speaker
The past movie? Yeah, you don't know. Like, shit bad shit just keeps happening to Harry. Dumb. Also, my review when I but when i watched the movie last year on Letterboxd was I really fucking hate Ron.
01:06:37
Speaker
That's my review. i was like, yeah, I agree with that. ah We cut and
Harry's Challenges and Tensions
01:06:42
Speaker
it's we meet Rita Seeker who writes for the Daily Prophet and she's there to interview all the champions and she picks Harry first and she brings him in a broom cupboard.
01:06:53
Speaker
Feel right at home, Harry. That's what she says. Yeah. She's like, this is cozy. It's a broom cupboard. She's like, well, you'll feel right at home then. Like, this bitch is a savage. Why is everybody being a savage?
01:07:06
Speaker
She's kind of an asshole, too, because she's like, what are you going to because you're way too young and they're way more advanced than you are? um And then her quill is like, um it just writes by itself. And it's just writing whatever. And Harry corrects it a couple times.
01:07:18
Speaker
She keeps saying he's 12. And he's like, I'm 14. Which means you still can't fuck up because he's too young. Right. Yeah, and I feel like through that whole interview, his eyes were totally glistening with the ghost his past.
01:07:32
Speaker
Right. na My eyes aren't glistening with the ghost of my past.
01:07:38
Speaker
We cut to Harry, who he spends a lot of time in this fucking tower with the owls. Yeah. By himself. Kind of fucking weird. But did you notice that there's just like. Owls mouths.
01:07:49
Speaker
Yeah. Did you notice there's a shit everywhere? Like you're just probably standing in owl shit. Yeah. I mean, it's what he likes to do. i don't know. i Oh, my God.
01:08:02
Speaker
Owl shit. Oh, God. Actually, Harry likes being up there. He is a 14-year-old boy. So they're like, what's this white stuff over the place? He's like, it's owl shit. They're like, oh, okay. Checks out.
01:08:13
Speaker
I get it. But why are your pants off? Harry, why are you fucking this ink again?
01:08:21
Speaker
Upgraded from fucking sinks to fucking owls. we don't We don't condone that ah that behavior here. Just want to say that. Eastiality is actually very bad. Very bad. yeah He receives and a letter from a different owl um because it's too dangerous to fly Hedwig.
01:08:37
Speaker
ah From Sirius saying they need to talk in person to meet in the Gryffindor common room at 1am. That's a little hot. A little booty call right there. her From his stepper godfather.
01:08:49
Speaker
Right. Um, so we caught in Harry's in the comroom looking for serious and he finds the bullshit story that Rita wrote on him. Uh, and he takes the newspaper and throws it into the fire, which that paper doesn't turn into serious, but the fire turns into serious.
01:09:05
Speaker
Yeah. It's his face. It's his face, which it looked good to me. Yeah. And he asks Harry if ah he put his name in the Goblet of Fire. and This is the first time Harry's like, no, I didn't do it.
01:09:17
Speaker
Not the first time. like He's like more definite about it and like actually acting like an adult. And Sirius is like, alright, I'm just checking. I was just checking if you were cool, but apparently you're still fucking Harry. You're a fucking pussy. No balls.
01:09:31
Speaker
You've been spending too much time with that f***ing Snape. Hey!
01:09:38
Speaker
And he asks Harry about the dream that he had. And they're confused on the third man in the room. They just can't identify the woman that had the the tattoo. um And he was going to use that man to get the Harry Potter.
01:09:52
Speaker
Ooh.
01:09:55
Speaker
Sirius tells Harry Hogwarts isn't safe anymore and that Karkroft was a death eater and that Crouch sent his own son to Azkaban. So he's like, you're not really there with like great people right now.
01:10:08
Speaker
Everybody's kind of a scumbag. Yeah. Ron shows up and says he heard voices, ah but Harry's able to kind of shoo him off. And he's kind of a dick to Ron anyways, but they're just like both like being assholes.
01:10:19
Speaker
Well, they're both like 14 though, too. So I would definitely be like a petty asshole at the moment, too. Their hormones are growing. Yeah. With their cocks. Yeah. And then they were both like, all right, we're going to go to our room alone.
01:10:35
Speaker
I'm going to take a shower now. What's Moaning Myrtle saying? If I take long of a shower, don't worry about what I'm doing in there. It's not your business. but Don't listen to what Moaning Myrtle says.
01:10:47
Speaker
She's a liar.
01:10:49
Speaker
ah They turn back around in black. Sirius Black is gone. Harry turns back around, not both of them. We cut, and Harry's chilling by this little river with Neville. who was talking about magical water plants. And Harry's like, dude, I really just don't fucking care.
01:11:04
Speaker
Yeah. yeah Has anybody ever done that thing to you where where like you're like sitting there and they're trying to get you to ask them what's up? so they're like, oh, what? What? No way. And you're like, what's up? And they're like, yo, like ah Eli Manning just made the Hall of Fame, but like they don't just like say it. Did he?
01:11:23
Speaker
No. Oh, you fucking fuck. You know he's a finalist, you piece of shit. ah But literally, like, the seat opens up and and Neville's sitting there looking at Harry and he's going, awesome!
01:11:36
Speaker
Awesome! And then Harry goes, Neville, you're doing the thing again. i've had that I've had it where, like, someone's tried to start talking to me. And be like, yeah, so, like, how's it going? I'd be like, good. like, yeah, you know.
01:11:49
Speaker
ah i kind of got picked on the soccer team. Like, I don't fucking care, dude. Yeah, yeah. But they're talking about... ah
01:11:59
Speaker
what It's a book that ah Moody gave to Neville, which is the magical water plant of the Highland locks, not the Highland cocks. Right.
01:12:10
Speaker
Unless you have like dreadlocks as pubes. Dude, that'd be fucking crazy. Smack someone with your pube. Damn, dude. You have a crazy bulge too. True. um Ron and Hermione showed up. this Piss me off.
01:12:25
Speaker
rohonan Ron does not want to talk to Harry, so Ron tells Hermione to talk to Harry. And it's this long chain of people that basically the message Hagrid's looking for Harry. In case you were wondering.
01:12:37
Speaker
Um, we cut and, Hagrid is walking with Harry through the dark forest, which context clues is not through his pubes to the actual dark forest.
01:12:49
Speaker
Right. And he's like, did you bring your father's cloak? um don't want anybody to see what's going to happen. Uh, Hagrid has a flower in his jacket and his hair combed.
01:13:00
Speaker
Uh, and we hear Madam Maxine call for Hagrid. Hagrid! That was actually very good. Yeah, that was actually really good. Hagrid tells Harry put the cloak on, and he shows Madame Maxine these dragons, which we put together here as the first task.
01:13:18
Speaker
ah And Harry just walks up to Hagrid like, dude, what the fuck? And Hagrid's like, yeah, Ron's brother helped bring them in from Romania. And Ron did not tell Harry, and Ron knew about it, because Ron fainted when he saw the dragons.
01:13:32
Speaker
What a piece of shit. Well... Well, for now. Yeah. We cut and Harry's walking through Hogwarts and everyone's wearing this school badge pin that says Potter stinks.
01:13:45
Speaker
You stink, Potter. um He has to talk to Cedric and he gives Cedric a hint that the first task is the dragons. And Moody's watching this conversation from a distance with his fucking eyeball.
01:14:00
Speaker
Fucking lying him down. He's like, God damn. I wish you were 18. Huh.
01:14:06
Speaker
ah He calls. then So that conversation ends and Harry walks over and calls out Ron for not telling him shit. You're right thou git, you know that. yeah Stay away from me, you fucking piece of shit.
01:14:19
Speaker
Then we see Draco talking shit from a tree. He's sitting in a tree. Right. and sorry Fuck. ah What? K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
01:14:30
Speaker
Yeah. He's saying crab. I don't know. ah And Harry's like, fuck off, dude. And he walks away and Draco's about to fucking charm him with his wand. Whoa!
01:14:41
Speaker
Did not mean to say that. He's like fucking stroking it like over his pants. He's like, you want it? Yeah. Yeah.
01:14:51
Speaker
I saw what you were doing with that sink. Yeah. Heard what you were doing with a sink. How about you get a real man's hole? Hey, yo. He's not even a real man. He's a boy. I'm a real boy. Yeah. Some of this Malfoy muff.
01:15:05
Speaker
nothing Malfoy mouth.
01:15:10
Speaker
Wait until my father hears about this.
01:15:14
Speaker
Dude, Luke's a cock watching kid porn. Oh, dude, it's so gross. Oh, boy. um So Moody sees that Malfoy is going to like curse Harry and he turns Malfoy into a ferret.
01:15:33
Speaker
And McGonagall walks over and she goes, is that a student? And Moody goes, well, technically it's a ferret, which I thought was fucking hilarious. It's valid. And he sends this ferret down. I think it's crab's pants.
01:15:45
Speaker
Yeah. McGonagall scolds Moody and she says you should never use transfiguration as punishment. um And then they all kind of like disperse. Malfoy gets changed back into a Malfoy.
01:15:58
Speaker
And for some reason, he's like, yeah, come on, power I'm going to show you this fucking faux glass that I have. um And it's like his office is like in like a tower. um And while they're in the office, his chest starts banging and screaming.
01:16:13
Speaker
It's like, yeah don't worry about that, dude. Yeah, you won't you won't believe what's in there. Even if I told you. Yeah, it's me. it's It's the real me. um He asks Harry Potter what his game plan is for the dragon, and Harry does not have any kind of game plan, and also essentially is out of his league, as many people have already told him.
01:16:34
Speaker
And Harry's strength is that he can fly, and Moody's like, yeah, you're a great flyer, and Harry's like, well, i can't use my broom. And he's like, you a fucking wand, you idiot. What the fuck? Yeah.
01:16:46
Speaker
Yeah. um we cut and we're at the first game they're in the champions during like their tent waiting to uh for the challenge to start and hermione uh starts to give a pep talk to harry and then ends up giving him a hug which rita takes a picture of and they don't like that uh which probably fucking fueled ron's fire because ron was trying to hit yeah this is the movie where like the I don't want to call it sexual tension, but like the relationship tension between ah Ron and Hermione starts.
01:17:20
Speaker
ah Crumb yells at Rita and tells her to get out. And then Dumbledore and Crouch show up with a bag full of ah dragons. so That's what want the way, just want to say this. I mean, somebody out there made those dragons small and put them in a bag.
01:17:40
Speaker
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
01:17:43
Speaker
You got to get the egg, right? Make the dragon small and get the egg. Well, yeah. so whole my desk Well, yeah, but it's probably like a really hard spell. Oh, yeah? Did you go to fucking Hogwarts?
01:17:55
Speaker
Yeah, sorry sorry. Well, it's like the the Triwizard Cup is like the under 12 soccer championship. You throw like a 25-year-old professional in there and he's going to fucking dominate. So I think it is like...
01:18:10
Speaker
It would be easier if you were Dumbledore, but like they're not. Well, Dumbledore is kind of overrated. and dumbled dick So they show up with a bag full of dragons. You just pick a dragon.
01:18:21
Speaker
Delacour pulls a Welsh green dragon. Crumb pulls a Chinese fireball dragon. Cedric pulls a Swedish short snout, which is what I call my cock.
01:18:35
Speaker
ah And Harry pulls the Hungarian long tail, which Hagrid said earlier in the film are like feisty pieces of shit, essentially. Yeah, that specific one shit.
01:18:48
Speaker
And essentially the task is the dragons are protecting this egg. Egg. This golden egg. And the contestants have to try to get the egg one at a time. So Harry's laugh, which kind of sucks.
01:19:00
Speaker
You just gotta sit there and wait for all three. Yeah, his anxiety's probably like through the roof. Crazy. But I'd shit myself. Yeah. But you could probably just like clean it up real quick with like a little spell or whatever.
01:19:11
Speaker
No, ah dragons actually don't like shit, so it's a good strategy. They'll avoid you. Oh, okay. Is that canon? Probably not. Well, maybe. don't think so.
01:19:22
Speaker
And Harry comes out, and I was surprised at this. People were chanting for him, like cheering him on. Like five minutes ago, was Potter sucks, and now they're all cheering for him. Well, yeah, because they're all realizing like how fucking dangerous this is. So they're like, I don't want to see you die and You know what? Actually, maybe they're cheering for Harry because they just saw three people successfully complete it. and they're like, oh, this guy sucks. He's going to die. been waiting all day for someone to fucking get eaten by a dragon. And now we're going to see it.
01:19:54
Speaker
So Harry goes out there and this dragon low key starts fucking him up. Right. But he's able to summon his broom with a Accio fireball. Yeah. Accio. Accio is the spell to like bring something to you.
01:20:08
Speaker
Right. Repulso is the spell to send it away. Yeah, there you go. Accio to suck it towards you. Repulso to push it away from you. To shoot it out of you.
01:20:19
Speaker
Yeah. ah So he gets in this broom and he goes flying and there's a dragon chasing him, obviously. Yeah, because the dragon like bites its chain, so now it's free. And apparently none of the other dragons did that.
01:20:33
Speaker
ah And it chases Harry around Hogwarts. And it's able eventually to knock Harry off of his broom. he's like hanging from a fucking something. but Literally a fucking window like yeah on side of the Hogwarts castle.
01:20:46
Speaker
I'm surprised they don't have like a ref or anything. For a dragon. At least just follow him. Because like if Harry dies, they're just like, how long do they sit at the stadium before they're like, I think he's dead.
01:20:56
Speaker
What's a no-holds-guard match? Why do you need a ref when you have fucking Dumbledore, who's supposed to be the most powerful wizard ever, right? He should be able to fucking take care of it. ah But he doesn't. Well, I'm not saying, like, save Harry, but, like, if he died, like, who would I'm just taking digs at Dumbledore when I can.
01:21:11
Speaker
Oh, yeah i see what you're saying. Like, like is he dead yet? Yeah, like, like if if the if the dragon ate Harry and then, like, flew back home, They'd be like sitting in the stadium like 24 hours later. yeah Like, damn, I wonder if Harry's coming back. Probably not.
01:21:28
Speaker
I'll never get to fuck that Harry bopper.
01:21:34
Speaker
um Harry's able to grab his broom eventually. He flies out and the dragon's chasing him and it's able to chomp like a little bit of his broom off. Pause.
01:21:44
Speaker
ah And you see them go down into a ravine and there's a moment that like Harry's dead. Like he's going to be dead. There's fucking four more movies. um But Harry returns. Hermione's going fucking stupid. Yeah!
01:21:58
Speaker
Yeah! yeah there Yeah, they're all like, be back. And it was a really nice cut because he swoops in to like grab the egg and it zooms in on the egg and then it zooms back out when they're in the common room and he's holding the egg.
01:22:14
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Which this he's really feeding into like his... like fucking, I don't know if it's ego, but like, you want to see me open the egg? I would be doing that shit too. Let's fucking go I won!
01:22:26
Speaker
i just feel like Harry's narrative is a little fucking muddy as far as he's concerned because it's like, I didn't choose to be doing this, but now like now that I got through one, going to lean into it. Yeah, look, I fucking did it. Yeah, he's got to act like a little kid. Now it's kind of like, oh, maybe I did fucking put my name in the Goblet of Fire. I did fucking do it, you know what mean? yeah I think this is the perfect, well, I'll let you say what happens when he opens the egg.
01:22:47
Speaker
You can say it. I think this is the perfect time to bring up that the Triwizard Cup is horrible for the spectator. like you So you go to watch these like dragon fights, Harry fucking leaves.
01:23:03
Speaker
You're just sitting in a stadium. like What are what do you fucking do at that point? Just start doing chants? What are you watching? A-R-R-Y-D-E-A-D. d e a d
01:23:14
Speaker
ah ah yeah And then he gets the egg. And like this
Yule Ball Drama and Egg Clue
01:23:19
Speaker
is finally like your little morsel. like You're a fan. All these fucking events are underwater a maze out of the fucking stadium. You don't actually get to see shit.
01:23:28
Speaker
this is You get to see the hint. You get to see him open the hint. your This is your insight into the game. This is the only thing you get to see. He opens the fucking egg and it's just like, and they're like oh my, no.
01:23:39
Speaker
I mean, it's a valid point you make there. Like, why are these guys hyped to see this shit? Like, all right, let's go stand out in the lake for three hours. Yeah. And then Ron finally comes in. He's like, the fuck was that sound?
01:23:53
Speaker
Yeah. And then he's like, he's like, hey, so he's like doing a little tapping his fingers together. He's like, hey, Harry, I guess you are kind of, you know, be stupid if you put your name in the Goblet of Fire ah because that dragon almost killed you. And forgive me, please be my friend.
01:24:13
Speaker
And also, it was me who warned you but the about the dragon. And Harry's like, the fuck are you talking about? You're fucking mental, dude. Ron is fucking mental. Well, you know, Demas told DiVarti to tell Hermione to tell you that I said that Hagrid was looking for you.
01:24:32
Speaker
And Harry's like, how the fuck was I supposed to understand that? Right. Right. That is what Harry said, actually, Nick. My reaction. There's more burps in movies.
01:24:43
Speaker
That's a pretty bad take, actually. Uh... We cut to the dining hall and there's those twin Indian girls who just say hi to Harry all the time. they They have a hots for him.
01:24:58
Speaker
And we see Cho and Harry Potter making hard eye contact across the dining hall. And Harry misses his mouth with his drink, which I do all the time without any eye contact.
01:25:10
Speaker
No, he doesn't he doesn't like miss the – he like pulls it away while he's drinking it. It's even more embarrassing. he She like looks at him and he like... Yeah, yeah.
01:25:24
Speaker
The Yule Ball dance stuff, I genuinely did not give a fuck about. This is the one part where we just get to the game. yeah like This movie iss how long? Two hours and something? 40 minutes?
01:25:35
Speaker
Actually, let's fucking just skip the old ball on the screen scene by scene. no well The point is it's a scene by scene, so we have to go through it. but I feel like it doesn't really matter. ah besides the fact that Besides the fact that they fucking took What's-Her-Name and Bear at the bottom of the ocean.
01:25:50
Speaker
True. that and like the it it The only point is like the Hermione-Ron thing. The weird kid fucking? There's no kid fucking. There's no kid fucking that we know of. It's just hinted at.
01:26:01
Speaker
Wait till episode 50. There's plenty of kid fucking. Okay. Yeah. ah
01:26:09
Speaker
We see that Rita wrote some BS about her mining the paper. Nigel delivers a package and he's fambling over Harry Potter. Yeah, it's not like Mike who delivers meat on his bicycle, but... yeah um It's it's a not dress red it's a dress robe for the yule ball that mcgonagall starts to explain and it's on christmas eve and it's a dance and they're all like have to fucking dance and she's like yeah bitch we didn't fucking make this school for thousands of years y'all not to fucking dance this shit you could ruin our if y'all if y'all 14 year olds don't dance you could ruin our reputation fucking assholes um
01:26:49
Speaker
She shows the class how to dance with Ron. And there's a weird part where she's like, put your put your hand on my waist. And Ron's like, ugh. I'd be up in there. I don't know.
01:27:00
Speaker
Anyway, sorry. Can we have a gonagle? ah We see Neville practicing in his dorm by himself. Let me get a nice titty fuck. Is there anything to... Well, she's dead now.
01:27:12
Speaker
She's dead. R.I.P. Maggie Smith. Yeah, I think we've said it every episode. I think we've said something indecent about her and then said R.I.P. Maggie Smith. Yeah. ah We cut... It's like the courtyard and Ron... our Harry's asking Ron why women travel in packs and that he'd rather deal with the dragon than try to ask women out.
01:27:30
Speaker
It's a valid point. Fair. Why do you have why you have to go to the bathroom together? Huh? So you don't get raped? Is that what you're worried about? That's probably why, Gerald. Oh, okay. That's probably fair. harsh life We cut to Madame Maxime and Hagrid, and she's literally picking hairs out of Hagrid's beard and eating them.
01:27:47
Speaker
That's kind of nasty. Yeah, and Hagrid is, like, nervous around her, but, like, bro, she's so into you, dude. She's eating your beard.
01:27:56
Speaker
I've never had a bitch eat my beard, so be happy about that. Me neither, dude. We cut and Harry, Ron, and Hermione are sitting on this beach and they see these girls just chasing after Crumb.
01:28:09
Speaker
And Crumb, I guess they were trying to go for this. Makes weird eye contact with Hermione a couple times in this movie. Yeah. We cut to a class that I guess Snape teaches. It looks like study hall.
01:28:20
Speaker
Right. And they find out here that Neville has a date. Neville's already asked somebody out. So Ron's like, if Neville can get a date, I fucking should be able to get a date. And we see, was it George?
01:28:33
Speaker
I guess it was George. It was one of the two of them. Fred and or George. One of the two redheaded fucks. I can say that because I'm redheaded. ah ask Ass is black chick. which is ah we got a blackjack in the movie to go to the date, the dance with him, which is, ah what is the word?
01:28:52
Speaker
Mixed race couple. That's a W. We're happy about that. yeah He also like throws a ball of paper at her face. And he's fucking it. He's fucking it. He's probably fucking her.
01:29:03
Speaker
Right. I mean, he's trying to get that. All right. Trying to get that chocolate lava cake. You know what I'm saying?
01:29:11
Speaker
He's going to take a bite. She's going to start oozing. You that fucking creme on glaze. Okay. ah So Ron tries to ask Hermione to the dance, but Hermione's already been asked.
01:29:22
Speaker
um And he gets hit in the head of the book by Snape for not paying attention. Yeah, for talking. um I wish Alan Rickman hit me in the back of the head with a book.
01:29:33
Speaker
Shout out Alan Rickman. RIP. Uh, we cut, and Harry Potter's in his fucking owl's fucking nest, jerking off, as we've established. He's been beating his meat up there. Uh, and Cho comes up, and she's like, it smells funny.
01:29:47
Speaker
ah Harry, Harry, do you smell cum? What's going on here? I mean, this is the definition of a cum dumpster, this fucking owl hoops he's got going on up there, dude.
01:29:59
Speaker
but Um, smells like my dad, what's... And, uh...
01:30:07
Speaker
Harry's real nervous, and he he goes to ask Cho ah if she can stand there for like 34 seconds so he can finish.
01:30:19
Speaker
Hey, do you want to choke on my cock? He's like, chill. And she's like, yeah. He's like, I'm almost um what's there
01:30:34
Speaker
I'm almost there. I'm almost there. Yeah, tell that owl to bite me. I like it rough. Come on. yeah
01:30:45
Speaker
The sight of my blood makes me cum. Come on, bite me. right and i forgot I forgot to mention that in the fucking scene by scene that the owl that Sirius sends likes to bite people. Which Harry's definitely into that shit.
01:30:57
Speaker
Because he's sucking own blood. Yeah, he's in the scene his own blood. He's sucking it. Yeah, there's probably like owl slobber on that cut. He immediately puts in his mouth. He needs all the germs.
01:31:08
Speaker
yeah He tries to ask Cho to the fucking dance and she's like, nah, I've already been asked. ah which is a bummer for Harry, but he probably got to finish. That's what counts. No, we're such good friends.
01:31:21
Speaker
That sucks. You got friend zoned. um We cut to the dorms and Ron is being escorted back into the room. He's freaking the fuck out because I guess he tried to ask out Fleur, but he just kind of screamed at her.
01:31:37
Speaker
HEY! Hey, wanna suck my cock?
01:31:46
Speaker
I want you! The carpet's Matt the drapes!
01:31:53
Speaker
ah And as they're trying to figure out what the fuck to do, the Indian girls walk by, the Patil twins, and they say hi to Harry, and Harry's like, there we go. Got an idea. we We cut to the dance and run. We're having curry tonight, baby.
01:32:09
Speaker
Ron looks fucking ridiculous. They meet up with the Patel twins and McGonagall comes up and says Harry has to go out and dance first because he's one of the champions. ah Cho was asked to the dance with Cedric and ah finally Hermione shows up because Ron's like, where the fuck is she? I bet she doesn't have a date.
01:32:28
Speaker
And it's like that scene in fucking Cinderella like where she comes down by herself. Slow motion. And I wish we could hit the button. We can't. She's underage. However, I told my fiancé, I was like, you when Hermione's walking down the...
01:32:44
Speaker
no ah when hermione's walking down the stairs I was like damn she looks like she could be Belle and then I was like oh wait she did she was Belle in the live action the live action Beauty and Beast that movie's bad it is bad but she's of age in that movie it is a little scary at times but it's bad and she is at the end with Crumb the dance starts and Harry really doesn't know what he's doing but it's fine then everyone joins in and we see Neville's with Ginny so good for Neville you think Neville and Harry are Eskimo brothers
01:33:18
Speaker
I hope so. I mean, they both they they both ended up clapping the same cheeks, right? Neville's long bottom was up in there, bro. Yeah, but Ginny's like even younger than them. I know, which is kind of crazy. So, Neville, you're a dirty dog, dude. she looks like like but if they're both But they're both underage. It's okay, right?
01:33:34
Speaker
Well, Ginny's like 13, Neville's like 14. So that's fine. yeah At some point. i mean That's a little too young, but that's fine. But there are people in the world who exist that probably lost their virginity at 13.
01:33:45
Speaker
That's true. And that's because they went to church. Boom! That's valid. Neville hits Jenny with the, uh, uh, do you, do you want to do anything tonight? She's like, no, I don't feel comfortable. he's like, this plant gives me super strength.
01:34:01
Speaker
Who's going to stop me? I just picture Neville's experience of the ball. Like that first episode of big mouth where fucking Andrew comes his pants. Oh yeah. That's just how see it for him, but he had the night of his life, dude. He was fucking living it up. Fun fact. I ordered blue chew.
01:34:16
Speaker
Shout out Bert and Tom, right? Yeah, Bert and Tom. The only podcast episode I've ever listened of them. and By the way, i wanted to ask you, which one did listen to? ah The one with Cody Rhodes. Okay.
01:34:27
Speaker
ah But they advertised Bluetooth, and they said that the first month is free, and I'm like, I'm going get my dick hard. We're not sponsored by Bluetooth, but please sponsor us. We talk about hard dicks and long sacks all the time. True.
01:34:40
Speaker
Did it work? He hasn't used yet. I think you just ordered it. I just ordered it, yeah. It's coming in two to three days, so I'll give you an update. um On the next Harry Potter episode. Oh, I'll be fucking coming.
01:34:51
Speaker
Right. I hope so. the like The slow dance kind of ends. They get a live band to perform, and Harry and Ron are sitting out, um and the their dates are kind of pissed.
01:35:04
Speaker
One of the guys from Drum Strength comes up and takes, ah I think it's Ron's date. Harry's. She's like, are you going to dance with me? And she's like, no. Yeah.
01:35:15
Speaker
Not me. Not Hermione. yeah wants He wants Hermione, but, uh, we see crumb and, uh, Hermione dancing and crumb gives her my little kiss in the hand. That's little, little G rated right there.
01:35:27
Speaker
Yeah. Uh, Hermione sits down there pissed or Ron's pissed. And Hermione's like, well, got your wand in a knot? You, you, you ah Because I want you to put my wand in a knot.
01:35:41
Speaker
I want, yeah. ah right And then they get into a fucking argument, ah basically. And Ron says that Crumb's using her and he's too old, which I don't agree with. But Hermione cries and tells Ron that he spoiled everything.
01:35:53
Speaker
Might be 18. And she's like, don't you have be sooner next time? Bro, he's just trying to get that poon, my man. That's all he's trying to do. But Crumb is 18. That's illegal.
01:36:04
Speaker
Let's see how old the actor was. If Crumb was like 17, it's fine. If he was 18, that's illegal because we are to believe. We know the we know the rules.
01:36:15
Speaker
We are to believe. Unless he took an agent potion. I think they fucked. I'm just saying. In the book. No, in the movie. It's hinted at. It's definitely hinted at.
01:36:27
Speaker
When? When her ah Harry and Hermione's on the bridge and they're like talking and then Hermione's like, oh, Crumb's not much of a... He's very hands-on.
01:36:40
Speaker
yeah That's what i'm saying, dude. More like hands-on. He fucked an underage girl.
01:36:48
Speaker
He came to her country and fucked her. We don't really know what happened, but He gave her a Victor Crumb cake. You know what I'm saying? Victor Crumb pie.
01:37:00
Speaker
ah he Yeah, but he's got ah four Quidditch MVPs, two-time scoring title, two-time defensive player of the year. yeah It's okay. puss we yeah He'll give her hush money. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. um He's innocent in my eyes.
01:37:13
Speaker
ah We cut to that scene that Joe was just talking about, Harry Hermione on this bridge talking, and Harry still hasn't figured out the egg. Egg. and you help me scramble my eggs her relationship with crumb isn't gone well even though she's getting her organs rearranged every night um and she's scared for harry because he barely got by the first round um she basically calls him a useless piece of shit which he is yeah wait crumb or harry but Yeah, I agree.
01:37:46
Speaker
ah Cedric walks by and thanks Harry for the tip. Not his cock, but the tip. And Harry doesn't really want to talk to him, but Cedric's like, no, dude I'm giving you a fucking hint. and He's like, go to the prefect's bathroom and take a bath.
01:37:59
Speaker
Wink, wink. I'll be there with a camera. Yeah, he's taking a nice hot bath with the egg. It's like, stick your dick in that egg. and this is where And this is the problem that I have, again, with Harry po being so fucking stupid. He goes to take a bath, and he opens the fucking egg above the water. Like, why would you be... How is the egg going to operate differently if you're in water and it's still in the same conditions it was before?
01:38:23
Speaker
Yeah, and I like how like immediately after that, he's like, oh, I didn't think that would work. Then why the fuck did you bring egg to the bathroom? He's so stupid. Harry is a fucking idiot. And then Moaning Myrtle's like, open it up in the water. And then he's like, what are you talking about?
01:38:39
Speaker
She's trying to suck him. Which, what do you think sloppy top from a ghost would be like? Oh, don't know. It's probably like... probably wouldn't feel it. You might. It probably wouldn't be that sloppy. There's no, like, ghost slobber. It's just fucking... It's not sloppy. It's probably, like, kind of like if you're jerking off with your left hand.
01:38:58
Speaker
yeah you're never gonna come yeah right all right uh but he opens i guess he opens it in in the water yeah because moaning myrtle tells him she's like cedric opened it under the water and his bubbles were almost all gone she she actually says that no i know yeah i know she's trying eat his meat right because harry this whole time harry's like hey hey pulling the bubbles We have to ask Monee Myrtle who has bigger meat.
01:39:26
Speaker
That's a good question. My money's on Pattinson. I think he's slinging a dick. He's also like three years older than Harry. That's true. They're both adults. you Eventually your dick stops growing, right? It's not like your ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like in the moment, one's 14, one's 17. feel like the 17-year-old's got to have him.
01:39:43
Speaker
Hanging? Oh, yeah. I know. Maybe. I'll ask him. I'll DM him on Twitter. Ask Dan for us or Rob. Hey, Rob, you packing shmeat?
01:39:53
Speaker
No, canonically, Rob, are you packing Schmeet as Cedric? She also tells Harry how she was circling around a drain and saw Polyjuice Potion, which keep it in the back of your head.
01:40:06
Speaker
Harry doesn't. He throws that shit out as soon as she says it. Right, because he's an idiot. opens the egg underwater, and there are some voices singing, and it's essentially like, we took something from you, and it's underwater. Come find it.
01:40:19
Speaker
um And he asks Myrtle... if more people are still in the black lake and she's like, yeah, they are. But then the next scene has no idea what it could mean.
01:40:31
Speaker
So I don't, I don't know because it cuts in there's Hermione, Ron and Harry Ron's asleep in the library. And her mind's like, say it again. And he's like, not me.
01:40:42
Speaker
No, he's like, you have an out. She's like, it's in the black lake. That's obvious. You have an hour. That's obvious. And she's like, but what's taken from you?
01:40:54
Speaker
And then Moody comes by and says that McGonagall is looking for Ron and Hermione and he shoes them off and he tells Neville to help Harry put his books away.
01:41:05
Speaker
And again, Neville's doing that thing. He's trying to talk to Harry and Harry's like, Neville, just get you and your long bottom out of here. And Harry's like, ah unless you know about some Tibetan turnip that can help me breathe underwater for an hour, i don't give a fuck.
01:41:20
Speaker
Tibetan turnip is what call my cock. Yeah, because it's red. That's actually my name on Grindr, Tibetan turnip. That should be. On Grindr? Keep them guessing. Keep them guessing. um And then ah Neville's like, I don't know about a turnip, but you could use gillyweed.
01:41:38
Speaker
Which is what I call my pubes. Yeah, the red Tibetan turnip and my gillyweed. Get lost in there. I don't know why everything has to be sexual in this podcast, but it's funny. You're going to suck me off underwater?
01:41:53
Speaker
I would. You ever stick your dick in the jacuzzi thing? No. ah yeah have I have with the pants on. I haven't taken my pants off. For your birthday, almost bought you a ball koozie, though.
01:42:05
Speaker
What's that? what Oh, I've seen those online. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. all so Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. I would have ah been happy with that.
01:42:15
Speaker
ah We cut to the second task, and as Tyler alluded to earlier, they're on this dock. yeah And Dumbledore announces there's a treasure that was stolen from each of them, and they had to go find it in the Black Lake.
01:42:26
Speaker
They have an hour. ah So Harry eats this gillyweed, which, and Emil's not quite sure if it's going to work, but he eats it, and he grows, ah he gets some webbed hands, some webbed feet.
01:42:37
Speaker
Some gills. And he gets some gills, which looked decent. It wasn't terrible. It's probably prosthetic. um Would you could could you fuck someone's gill hole? No, because then the inside of gills are like, at least with fish are like kind of sharp.
01:42:52
Speaker
It's sharp. It would fuck your dick up. It would shred your shaft and not shred like make it jacked. It would like shred it, like cut it. Tyler, you said they fuck someone's gills in the boys. Yeah. What?
01:43:03
Speaker
They kind of like finger it. They don't really like finger someone's heels. Definitely like a plot point. The only thing I know about the boys is when that guy's cock like breaks through the glass and like starts strangling that guy.
01:43:15
Speaker
What? What's going on in this show? The boys is this crazy. I don't really like the boys, but people it's very... That's quite a hot take. i've never seen it. <unk> um It's on Prime. It's about superheroes and shit.
01:43:26
Speaker
Yeah, but it's very violent, and they love gore. Wait, why are they fingering gills? Like, sexually? Yeah. Whoa! Wait, are the gills where Harry has them on his neck? Are they somewhere else?
01:43:39
Speaker
They're on his ribcage, actually. that's cool That's horrible. Then I heard someone shrinks very small and goes in this guy's dick hole and then expands and explodes his dick. I gotta watch this show. Shout out Ant-Man. Cut that cut that name Fuck him.
01:43:54
Speaker
Yeah. Talk about autism. Jesus Christ. Dude, that one, the E got clipped. Uh, so they're all in the fucking lake, John, looking for, uh,
01:44:06
Speaker
looking for their shit and as essentially fleur gets snatched i don't i don't know she she gets fucked up yeah the mermaids come in like stealer yeah and dumbledore announces that she's been forced to retire which i took it as she was out for the rest of the games but we do see her in the third ah game so yeah ah Harry finds Ron and Hermione, which it autocorrected to Jermaine.
01:44:33
Speaker
Before it was heroin. Now it's Jermaine. i like Jermaine better. Just picture her as like a big black, like Jermaine O'Neal. Who the fuck is Jermaine O'Neal? but He was a basketball player.
01:44:43
Speaker
Oh. um And she's she's trapped underwater with some what some other students, including Cho, who Cedric comes by and frees. Uh, and the ah Harry goes to free Hermione and the merpeople you can't fucking touch this bitch. and She's ours.
01:45:02
Speaker
Uh, and he, and Harry's like, but she's my friend too. Yeah. Uh, and then crumb comes out of fucking nowhere as a shark freeze Hermione.
01:45:13
Speaker
He's a great white shark head. How you doing? Harry realizes here that no one's coming for ah the girl he took for floor because she's been retired.
01:45:24
Speaker
So he tries to free both of them. Crumb and Cedric arrive the service with their students. And Harry's trying to save both them kids. But the mermaids are like, merpeople are like, fuck them kids.
01:45:35
Speaker
You see his gills run out. But what happened here? There's some. so Did he cast a spell or did just some? What happened? cast a spell. What the spell? Do you know? Was it Stupify?
01:45:46
Speaker
It wasn't Stupify. I'm sorry. A Satio? Oh, Ascendio. It was Ascendio because it launched him. Yeah, but he was already free at that point. He was just floating there. He was dying because he he was like losing air.
01:46:01
Speaker
He couldn't breathe. No, I know. I know that. I'm saying there were all those fucking Johns attacking him. yeah Then there's some red fucking... Oh, yeah. He does like... ah The fuck was the one for the pixies?
01:46:14
Speaker
Avadakadabra? Because they all go... ah was why can't Why couldn't he use a Mobius the dragon either? That was my other question. It's probably too big. It's probably not going to work on the dragon. It's too big.
01:46:26
Speaker
Yeah, it's like an RPG shit. Like, he's too strong too high of a level. Forgot to get this. Now he has that. He's like, and you And he gets shot up. and Time's up, by the way. there's There's no more time left, but Harry gets up right...
01:46:43
Speaker
In the nick of time, ha ha. um That's you. And it sounds like he say, ah sounds like he ends up saving. The girl is a fleur sister and they're so proud and happy. He did it.
01:46:54
Speaker
ah Cedric takes first place and Harry gets the honorary second place for outstanding moral fiber, which is bullshit. Yeah, I know. It's very childlike. from Fucking you beat him. He doesn't beat Harry, but then Cedric beats Harry because he was first place. Fuck off.
01:47:11
Speaker
Yeah, it is. we cut And it's the same shit. It's just different person. Crouch is talking to Harry about how great his parents were and how proud they are of him. Every fucking movie this happens, Harry doesn't do shit. People tell him how great he and how great his parents are and who gives a ah ah If you get mad at that, I'm sorry. You you can't watch the movie objectively.
01:47:32
Speaker
Movie Moody comes over and breaks up their little conversation. um And we cut to Hagrid, who's walking with Ron, Harry and Hermione. And this is when Harry finds one dead Mr. Crouch.
01:47:44
Speaker
He's dead, right? Dead, dead. Okay, good. He got a Vodra Kadaver and Alex Sr. So I guess the next scene is Harry going to tell Dumbledore But um he already knows ah because he overhears Dumbledore talking to Fudge and Fudge Packer is refusing to cancel the games.
01:48:04
Speaker
I think it's worth mentioning before he finds Barty Crouch, he's talking. ah Harry and Barty Crouch Sr. have a conversation. And then Mad-Eye Moody ah comes over and starts licking his lips like crazy.
01:48:20
Speaker
And then Barty Crouch Sr. kind of gives him a weird look and like hurries off and like looks kind of suspicious. And then he dies right after that.
01:48:32
Speaker
Right.
01:48:35
Speaker
Did you say all i know you i didn't say i didn't say there was a weird look and that he was acting sus, but Moody's just kind of sus all around. But no, I appreciate you adding. licking the lips ah No, it's irrele it's not irrelevant. It's relevant.
01:48:49
Speaker
Right. that Moody's licking his lips. Yes. yeah He's licking that cock. It's like, oh, dad.
01:48:58
Speaker
ah So Harry wants to go tell Dumbledore, but he's trying to like snoop on their conversation, and Moody points out that Harry's standing outside. And Dumbledore offers Harry some licorice snaps.
01:49:12
Speaker
I don't get what the what the point of this part was, but... Okay, so again, with the Harry on the fucking magic bullshit, Dumbledore says, watch out, they bite. Or like something like that. They're really sharp.
01:49:23
Speaker
Yeah. And then Harry, being the fucking genius that he is, isn't like, oh, let me try one first. Because, you know... ah He said they're licorice snaps. Watch out. They're sharp. I'm thinking it's going be like a mousetrap on your tongue.
01:49:36
Speaker
Harry walks up. He puts his entire fucking hand in the bowl, grabs out like a whole fucking handful, and then they go all over his fucking office because Harry's a fucking idiot who didn't even think that was a possibility. They're kind of like leeches.
01:49:49
Speaker
Yeah. They'll suck you off. Yeah. Licorice leech.
Maze Adventure and Graveyard Encounter
01:49:55
Speaker
So, yeah, he's like he's alone in this office and the that memory John thing opens. I have the name of it.
01:50:01
Speaker
It should be coming up here. I'm not going to try to read all this and try to find it. But, uh. He looks into it and he kind of falls into it. <unk> be Harry getting sucked into books. He be getting sucked in pots. be getting sucked everywhere, dude.
01:50:15
Speaker
Harry just loves getting sucked. Getting sucked off. By magical objects. He's getting sucked off by Dementors, too. Yeah, he's getting... Every movie, he's sucking. Yeah, he's getting sucked at every angle. Huh? it's It's called the Pensive.
01:50:27
Speaker
Pensive. Yes, that's correct. The pensive. That's the name of the John that Harry falls into. Oh, the memory John? Yeah, and it's a court hearing for Karkaroff, who we find out here has requested this hearing to provide evidence that he is, in fact, not a Death Eater or not loyal to... ah voldemort and we see crouch who's overseeing this hearing um and he asked for names and he gives evan rossier who the fuck that is crouch like nah he's dead uh then he gives augustus rockwood brokewood uh who was somebody who worked within the ministry which is important uh and they're all like appalled like there's no fucking way court uh corruption in the ministry no way that would never be happening
01:51:13
Speaker
And then ah he also offers Severus Snape, um which Dumbledore speaks up and says that Snape was a spy for Dumbledore. Yeah, he used to be a Death Eater, but then he became a spy for the good guys.
01:51:32
Speaker
ah But Karkroft still insists a loyal of Voldemort. At that point, is he still a spy or is it like it doesn't matter anymore? He already did what he did. I think he's still a spy to this day.
01:51:44
Speaker
Yeah, that's what I thought. So it's fucking bold of Dumbledore to say that in front of a room of like 80 people who we then find out continue, Nick. But the – well, Voldemort's dead.
01:51:56
Speaker
He ain't around, so he's not really spying because at the end of this movie, Voldemort says none of you came and looked for me. Right, but it it is pretty bold for him to mention that Snape is a spy.
01:52:07
Speaker
all around people who work for the – yeah. I hear you And then in like literally a few seconds – um And then he says there's one more person who took part in the death.
01:52:18
Speaker
He says Frank Longbottom. Is this related to Neville? Yes. All right. And his wife him with the Cruciatus curse. That's why it affected Neville earlier.
01:52:29
Speaker
Yeah, I didn't put that together at all. um And they say the guy responsible for that is Barty Crouch Jr. who happens to be in court and he goes to attack, I guess, his own father.
01:52:41
Speaker
And he's zapped by Moody. um And he's he's a freak. This dude's a freak. licking his lips. He's like, look lick maybe let me licking lips over there. yeah I feel like the signs probably could have been there for Barty Crouch Sr. You're hanging out with your son. He's like, he's not evil.
01:53:03
Speaker
He's just jerking off. He's in some weird shit. ah he He kind of gives me like ah Heath Ledger Joker vibes. he could He'd be a decent Joker, I think, off that performance. That was literally 20 years ago, so I don't know anymore. I like David Tennant. He was a good Doctor Who as well.
01:53:17
Speaker
My father worked for the Ministry of Magic. So Harry gets sucked out of the... It's called the Pensieve, as a Tyler mentioned. And Dumbledore's already standing there waiting for him.
01:53:30
Speaker
And he says that he's been using this to rehash the details to figure out where everything went wrong. um And Harry tells him about his dream. And Dumbledore's like, yeah, don't fret. Don't worry about it.
01:53:42
Speaker
He's like, just cast it away. And then he like pulls the fucking... It's like a fucking snot rag, essentially. It's just like like, I don't know. I don't like it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. when he when he When he pulls memories out of his head, I'm like, ugh.
01:53:54
Speaker
But he's like he's like, hey, I saw Barty Crouch Jr. in my dreams. and like Don't worry about it. Yeah, Dumbledore's like, he's an Azkaban. What the fuck? yeah a fuck We haven't had anybody break out of Azkaban in the past year.
01:54:07
Speaker
yeah yeah why How could he get out? um So Harry leaves Dumbledore's office and he sees Karkroff and Snape arguing and Karkroff is showing Snape his fucking tattoo.
01:54:19
Speaker
His dark mark. He's like, I'll show you mine if you show me yours. My dark mark is my fucking, my butthole. Yeah. um So, Karkroft walks off and Snape stops Potter and he shows Harry...
01:54:37
Speaker
Veritaserum? Veritaserum? Whatever. They all have accents. Fuck you. Which causes anybody spill their secrets. And he says the use on students is forbidden, but he does threaten Harry with it for taking his stash of gillyweed, which Harry did not take.
01:54:54
Speaker
yeah If I were Harry at that point, I would have been like, then give it to me, let me take it, and you can see that I'm innocent. But then Snape might pull some, like, do you want to see my butthole? and there you Yes. And then he's like, hey, you you stole some lacewing flies and, like, a bunch of other ingredients for the polyjuice potion. And Harry's like, don't know.
01:55:15
Speaker
I really didn't. Like, fuck off. Yeah. ah Snape is his fucking teacher. He knows Harry's a dumbass. Like, he sees him in, like, the potions class. And Harry's like, what happens when I mix water and lemon?
01:55:29
Speaker
Lemonade, Harry. We've been over this
01:55:34
Speaker
this. was Then it cuts to the the final ah task, which at this point, there's like 50 minutes left the movie, and I haven't watched this movie in like over a year. And I was like, God did they're in the maze for a fucking hour, which they're not. But like I was like, what the fuck?
01:55:49
Speaker
Little did you know. and as a whole There's a whole afterwards that honestly, they could have cut it, but whatever. um Some of it, not all of it. ah there's like a pep rally in front of the the maze.
01:56:04
Speaker
um Which again is their last look at the event going on. Right. Harry Potter. And they have to go in there and set and find the Triwizard Cup.
01:56:16
Speaker
And Harry Potter and Cedric have to go in first because they were first and second place in the last event. Then Crumb. And whoever touches the cup first wins. Dumbledore also says they can send up red sparks or some kind of fucking charm to quit.
01:56:32
Speaker
And the staff are like circling the premises to yank them out. um Then Dumbledore kind of huddles with the champions and says there's no creatures inside, but something more challenging.
01:56:43
Speaker
Voldemort. Crispin Long.
01:56:49
Speaker
It's been a while. It's crazy. ah And he says people change in the maze. They go in the maze. ah Harry turns back and Moody kind of gives him a little hint.
01:57:01
Speaker
But Dumbledore's suspect. You see Dumbledore's face is like, what the fuck are you talking about? Not fucking suspect enough, though. Nope. no Not until it's too late. ah Harry's in the maze. He hears some rustling.
01:57:12
Speaker
ah We cut to Cedric and the walls of the maze are literally collapsing in on him. And has, like, run to evade that. ah We cut to Fleur, who's hysterical in the maze, like, hysterically, like, crying, not, like, laughing. Hysterically a bitch.
01:57:26
Speaker
And we hear a hissing, and then we just hear her scream. And Crumb finds her kind of unconscious. She's, like, getting sucked away by plants. ah And then Harry and Crumb run into each other, and Crumb's eyes are all fucking glossed over.
01:57:44
Speaker
ah Kind of like Nosferatu, I'll be honest. Yeah, he's ready. He he needs blood. Or puss, one of the two. Right. Hermione's puss. Right. Well, you already got that.
01:57:55
Speaker
Sure. A little bit more, though. Wouldn't hurt. ah Harry sees the walls of the maid, like the little weed-john sucking Fleur. And he calls for the... I think it autocorrected... Periculum, I think, is the spell?
01:58:09
Speaker
The charm? if it's If it's not that, I don't really care. His little firework? His little firework, for I guess it's for Fleur, because he doesn't need it. He's alive. mean, she lives too, but... The walls be in the closing again, and he's able to see the cut from a distance, and then suddenly, Cedric yells... Cedric?
01:58:30
Speaker
Cedric? It says... So, it autocorrected to Cedar. And then I was like, it's Cedric, and I said Cedric. Cedric the Entertainer. ah there um
01:58:43
Speaker
Cedric yells for Harry to get down because Crumb is ready to fucking beat Harry's ass. ah And Cedric hits Crumb with an Expelliarmus, which look a zoom might be the one fucking charm I can say, right?
01:58:58
Speaker
they so They use it in every fucking movie. Yeah. ah
01:59:04
Speaker
Cedric wants to fucking, he's ready to kill Crumb. And Harry tells him that he's bewitched. So leave him. They both see the cup and make a run for it. And as they're running the walls, grabs Cedric and starts sucking him in. He asked Harry to save him.
01:59:20
Speaker
There's a moment where Harry's like, should I? i like that scene where it like zooms in on Harry's eyes. Yeah. And he's, he's like kind of thinking, he's like, I mean, I could get an easy W right here. to I don't know what happened Cedric.
01:59:33
Speaker
like It's a Vic Royale right here. winner yeah like he just looks at ah Cedric's soon-to-be-dead body and just hits him with a winner-winner chicken dinner. heads off don't actually die.
01:59:49
Speaker
ah He hits them with a reducto, which is... zoom It gets rid of the... The leaves. Um... They run to the cup and Cedric tells Harry to take it, which is respect.
02:00:04
Speaker
ah But Harry's like, let's grab it together. And it is a portkey that transports them to the grave of Tom Riddle. And Cedric's kind of a fucking idiot here, I'll be honest.
02:00:15
Speaker
Yeah, it's the same graveyard that Harry's been seeing in his dreams. Because guess what? His dreams have been reality. Right. Dumbledore. I'm going to defend Cedric here.
02:00:26
Speaker
I think ah Harry's a little bit more of an idiot. As soon as he saw that fucking Tom Riddle gravestone, he should have been like, oh, no, no, no, no. We got to get out of here. He was. No, no. He looks at the Tom Riddle gravestone. And Cedric's like so just like, oh, it's a portkey. Isn't that cool, Harry? And Harry's like, get the fuck out of here, man. He's like, look, it's a portkey.
02:00:43
Speaker
yeah Harry wasn't urgent enough for me. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. I actually think Harry acted appropriately here. You were saying get out of there. I think this is the one time Harry did act appropriately. He's like, dude, we gotta go. Because his head, his scar is burning and shit.
02:00:57
Speaker
Yeah, he knows. No, it's over. ah And Peter, this is funny as fuck. Peter Pettigrew comes out with a little baby baby fucking Voldemort. He's like shriveled.
02:01:08
Speaker
Yeah. He like a fetus. Voldemort orders. He does. a baby, he looks like it looks like ah face hugger before it's a face hugger.
02:01:19
Speaker
Yeah, kinda. And Pettigrew orders Voldemort orders Pettigrew to kill ah Cedric, which is an Avadra Kedavra, which you're dead, unfortunately. R.I.P. Robert Pattinson.
02:01:32
Speaker
you would have been cool to have in the rest of these movies. Yeah. And then they're able to like lock Harry into the tombstone. not the tube so driver ah the fucking Like the grave has like an angel on it or whatever. And like fucking the whatever, like goes around Harry's neck.
02:01:49
Speaker
What'd you call it? Scythe was a scythe. What? John. I know. I'm asking. I don't know what it is. The Grim Reaper uses. The Grim Reaper's... Scythe. Yeah. All right. Well, I didn't know that. Now I do.
02:02:02
Speaker
S-C-T-H-E. Hey, great.
02:02:07
Speaker
Scythe. um And this is what a real cauldron looks like, which is why in that episode where was like, there's no way she had a whole ass fucking cauldron, because I was picturing this. Yeah. Like a big fucking cauldron.
02:02:18
Speaker
Right. ah And Pettigrew drops Voldemort into this cauldron ah and he gets a bone. Where's his bone from? Is it Tom Brittle's bone? It's his dad's bone.
02:02:30
Speaker
Hey, yo. He's like, bone of the father. And, uh, Pettigrew cuts his own hand off and drops it right in. And then he takes some of Harry's blood and drops it into the, the cauldron as well. And we watch a baby Voldemort become Voldemort.
02:02:48
Speaker
Yeah. Voldemort. Um, and Pettigrew is also known as Wormtail. As we mentioned earlier, he gives a a Chad Voldemort, Voldemort, his wand and ask for uh,
02:03:02
Speaker
Voldemort asks for his Wormtail's arm, and he gives him his arm that's missing his hand, and he's like, no, dude, the other arm. And he, I wrote he re-inks his fucking Death Eater tat, but I think he kind of low-key summons all the Death Eaters.
02:03:17
Speaker
Yeah, because like his tattoo is kind of like faded. It is faded. Faded, faded, faded, and then he touches it, and then becomes unfaded.
02:03:30
Speaker
um they so all the death eaters show there's and Voldemort says it's been 13 years and none of them have gone looking and it turns out Crab Goyle ah their parents are are involved McNair I know who the fuck McNair is but he says McNair maybe Steve McNair R.I.P. I was about to say Steve McNair Steve McNair's fucking death eater and the last one is Lucius uh Malfoy which I pissing me the fuck off like like this is supposed to be some kind of reveal like we didn't know he was evil right like I like did anybody not see this coming he tried to Avada Kedavra Harry in fucking Chamber of Secrets like what like I just don't I don't get how this is a big reveal
02:04:12
Speaker
um Pettigrew speaks up and says he was the only one that went looking for Voldemort. And Voldemort, it's like you're a coward. You did it out of fear. Not out of. Yeah. He's like, but you did bring me back. So here's your hand back.
02:04:25
Speaker
um And it's metal. So that's a that's a rough hand job. If you squeeze too hard, dude, you're like crushing your cock. He's like the window soldier. Right. Yeah, he is.
02:04:37
Speaker
Then Voldemort turns his attention to Harry. He's like, I forgot you're even here, dude. Um, and this is, I, I low key kind of gay, bro. Um, but he says, because Lily Harry's mom gave her life for Harry. He was not able to touch Harry and he calls that old magic, but now he's able to, but why not just say here? He's like, we put your blood in that big cauldron like five minutes ago.
02:05:02
Speaker
So now I can touch you all I want. poison Yeah. It's got to be some gay like your mother's love protected you. Like, she's dead, bro. Yeah. That's why Harry's out here thinking that his dad's going to come back because he thinks his mother's love is still protecting him.
02:05:15
Speaker
Your mom flashed her tits and I couldn't hit you properly. Like, you aren't fucking Achilles, bro. you didn't get dipped in the fucking ocean by your mom. Right. Not the ocean. the The river that he was dipped in.
02:05:26
Speaker
ah Jake, don't get mad about that. I really don't fucking care. Dipped in 5088 dip tip. Please leave us a voicemail. Call us! My cousin said, uh, the one that we called us, that I called us, we, I called a slut, uh, said she was gonna call in about the Harry Potter episodes. Maybe we'll have some, uh, voicemails for that.
02:05:43
Speaker
Sick. Sick. Um...
02:05:48
Speaker
And this is funny as fuck. Voldemort, a petty mother. You can really tell Voldemort is just Tom Riddle. Like, he's like this teen dude that's petty because he frees Harry. He's like, pick her one up. Let's go. We're going fucking duel right now. I'm better than you.
02:05:59
Speaker
Real petty, bro. And he hits Harry with a Crucio, which is... can't feel great Harry Potter tries hit him with an Espelliarmus but that doesn't work and he goes to hide behind a grave and Voldemort's pissed and he's like bruh come out and face me you fucking bitch yeah I came back to kill your ass he's like come face me look me in the fucking eye I'm kill you now bruh look me in the eye look me in the eye is that a song yeah that is copyright right now I forget what it's from
02:06:35
Speaker
ah So Voldemort, Harry comes out. he He goes with Espelearmus, and Voldemort goes with Avastra Kedavra, which is crazy. And their wands fucking connect.
02:06:46
Speaker
yeah they're It's like, this is essentially docking, bro. It's like when they're soulmates. yeah Yeah, they're they're sword fighting. But if you remember, their wands have the same phoenix feather.
02:06:58
Speaker
I was thinking that... And I haven't seen the movies recently, so I feel like that was a good pull. That is a good pull. for Other ones. They're not Eskimo brothers.
02:07:08
Speaker
No. Not yet. Not yet. If you wanted to do a little, you know, do-do-do-do-do-do-do with their tips, like, that's fine. That's about the docking. Yeah, they're like fucking.
02:07:19
Speaker
Touch my tip. I think Voldemort's cirked. He's got to be. The way his nose looked, they definitely cut that shit off. Got his nose snipped and his cock snipped. Yeah, dude. Two snips in one. Two for BOGO. Buy one, get one.
02:07:33
Speaker
One guy, two snips. Where it's like, oh, Peter Pettigrew, you fucked up the spell. It didn't bring my meat back to full size. He's like, no, no, it's right. It should be full size. It's definitely small. ah yeah Fucking engorgo that bitch. Make it bigger.
02:07:47
Speaker
um So there's like a big fucking like force field. That kind of appears. um And all these ghosts come out of the wandes.
02:07:58
Speaker
Yeah. ah Three of those ghosts made a lot of sense. One of them, i'm ah I'm a little interested why they made the cut. I know one of them is Cedric, who asks Harry to bring his body back with him.
02:08:10
Speaker
The other one is Lily, who she's just like, you're ready. And then, yeah, she's like, is she telling her son, like, it's right. You can fucking die. It's all right. Yeah.
02:08:21
Speaker
Yeah, Loki, if I'm hairy in that situation, I'm like, is is Voldemort like casting a spell to make me hallucinate? And then like he just stops doing the spell and Voldemort kills him. Right. And then the other one's his dad, James.
02:08:34
Speaker
And the caretaker from earlier in the movie. Who gives a fuck about him. just he's not um He's not a wizard. Is he there, actually? Yeah, he's like the fourth ghost. he's that he's And he's like looking confused as shit. He's definitely like, why am I here right now?
02:08:48
Speaker
Like, what am I going to do? So essentially the plan is he's going to let go of the spell. The ghosts are going to distract Voldemort and Harry's going to get the port key and go back with Cedric.
02:09:00
Speaker
So... That's what happens. He Accio's the portkey. Accio portkey. Accio portkey. I wish you could just Accio pussy. You know what got shit um He comes out with it with Cedric. this is I thought this was a good scene in the movie. Everyone's cheering because they don't realize that fucking Cedric's dead dead.
02:09:22
Speaker
yeah Then they find out Cedric is dead dead. no matter how many No matter how many times I watch this movie, this scene still hits. Yeah, I was actually tearing up.
02:09:33
Speaker
The dad is in this movie for like five minutes, and this is like actual, like ah outstanding acting for the five minutes. He gave it his all. Yeah, I tear up every single time. Like they do it well.
02:09:43
Speaker
Yeah, get I get goosebumps with the song that starts playing. And then like the, my boy. ah and insane scene.
02:09:54
Speaker
I'm definitely autistic because I i didn't feel anything. It's okay. Nothing. Death is nothing to
Moody's True Identity Revealed
02:10:01
Speaker
me. I am death. This was very sus. Moody drags Harry away.
02:10:06
Speaker
Like, drags him away. Dumbledore with the fucking fumble again. You're suspicious Moody. Because Harry tells Dumbledore, like, Voldemort did all of this. Voldemort is alive.
02:10:18
Speaker
Yeah, and then Dumbledore's immediately like, well, I don't care about you anymore. Dumbledore's like, huh, well, we got to worry about this dead kid. Fuck the dark Lord is back. And it was funny that Moody drags him away and then there's just a cut and they're in the tower within like seconds.
02:10:36
Speaker
You want to watch him walk that entire tower? Long ass walk, just cut. And you get where the tower now. Yeah. And Moody locks the door and he sits Harry down by his little fireplace And he wants to look at Harry's cut on his arm, which I guess is supposed to turn into a tattoo or no.
02:10:56
Speaker
Why are they he good yeah like all staring at it? They all want to suck the blood out of it because he now like that blood is now in Voldemort. Oh, right. So technically it's like Voldemort blood.
02:11:10
Speaker
It's what he says. He's like, he's i I know. i know i hear you. But how is it? How is his blood Voldemort blood? So, yeah, it's it's obviously Harry's blood is in Voldemort, but he is obsessed with it because technically Voldemort's, you know, Harry's blood is Voldemort's blood.
02:11:29
Speaker
It's the same blood. Bro, Moody put his finger in that cut and was like sucking on it. His face, it was sucking on it. I want to taste the blood of the Dark Lord. ah We see Moody start to fucking morph kind of weird. And there's no Polyjuice Potion he's been looking for it. Spoiler alert, he's been drinking Polyjuice Potion. and um And he asked Harry if there are any others in the graveyard.
02:11:52
Speaker
And Harry Potter is like, I didn't say shit about a graveyard, bruh. We find out Moody or this person pretending to be Moody was behind all the hints. ah He put his name in the Goblet of Fire. um And he's this person is loyal to Voldemort.
02:12:08
Speaker
um And he's about to kill Harry Potter, but I wrote Voldemort. Not Voldemort. It's Dumbledore. Dumbledore Snape. Enters with ah an Expelliarmus, and Snape gives Moody the truth serum.
02:12:26
Speaker
And Moody reveals that he's not actually Moody, and the real Moody is in the chest. So... The chest goes... And this was very Scooby-Doo-like.
02:12:37
Speaker
Oh, the transformation? They unveiled the mask. Who could it be? It's Barty Crouch Jr. And i wouldn't have I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for this meddling fuckhead. Literally, dude. um And Snape again, dude. He's fucking ready to kill this bitch, dude. He got the wand in his neck. He's, like, always ready to kill somebody. I mean, Snape was bad at one point, though.
02:13:01
Speaker
Yeah. It's like the Avada Kedavra. Harry can't say it. But Snape can. That's Voldemort's word. Yeah.
02:13:11
Speaker
We cut to ah the dining hall where Dumbledore speaking on the loss of Cedric. And he tells them that he was murdered by Voldemort, which he says the ministry did not want him to say, but he said it anyways.
02:13:23
Speaker
Fuck it, we ball. We ball. ah We cut to Harry Potter, who's packing his shit. Packing his fucking own asshole. It's so crazy, the wild shit like this happens. Like, yep, see you next year. It's just crazy. It's crazy, dude.
02:13:37
Speaker
Oh, man, I just saw Cedric die. Well, the algebra final coming up, so I should probably... party yeah He apologizes to Harry for putting him in danger, which I don't think saying I'm sorry is enough, but whatever. Yeah.
02:13:51
Speaker
You're supposed to be protecting me, fuck. He doesn't do shit. And Harry tells Dumbledore about ah when his and Voldemort's wands were touching, um which is called Priori Incantatum, which they don't elaborate on that. They just say what's what it's called.
02:14:07
Speaker
um And Dumbledore knows that Harry saw his parents and then just kind of randomly tells him, listen, dude, no spell can bring back the dead. Just in case you were wondering. Just in case you're wondering, your parents are still fucking dead.
02:14:19
Speaker
So Cedric. Dead, dead. And that dark times are ahead, but he's not alone because he has his friends. That's all that matters because you're definitely coming back next to year, right? You want to pick your electives for next year?
02:14:33
Speaker
um I don't know. have to take a gym credit, actually, Harry. but Basically, at end movie, everyone's saying goodbye to everyone. ah The schools leave.
02:14:46
Speaker
ron Ron makes a joke that there'll never be a quiet year at Hogwarts. Hermione's like, everything's going to change now, right? And then Harry just walks up to her and he's like, yes.
02:14:57
Speaker
I don't know about the part where I said fucking Voldemort is back. You assholes. yeah Did you hear that part?
02:15:06
Speaker
Basically, they promised to write to each other and that is, uh, that's the end of the movie. That's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. That's the film. So, uh, on Letterboxd, uh, I'm giving this one a five star.
02:15:21
Speaker
wow Live your truth. this This is like, you know, upper upper tier Harry Potter. Harry's bopper. Like, Harry, bend over and let me suck on your bopper.
02:15:33
Speaker
Like... When you say suck on his bopper, do you mean his butthole, his ball sack, or his wiener? So when you say hairy
Final Reviews and Upcoming Episodes
02:15:40
Speaker
bopper, I just think of his asshole. Okay, so it's his butthole. It's his brown star. Trying to rim him, right?
02:15:46
Speaker
I give him pink sock. ah this is definitely Which you might already have. I don't know yet. No, I don't think so, because I can still poop. I don't think like yeah don't feel anything hanging out, you know? ah But yeah, this is like one of the best Harry Potter movies.
02:16:02
Speaker
Like, I feel like that's pretty universal, that this is one of the best ones. Yeah, when Tyler texted saying he was higher on this than most people, i'm like, this is like consensus top three, top two. Yeah, it's like this Prisoner of Azkaban, and I don't know what other one people like.
02:16:17
Speaker
I mean, I like War of the Phoenix, but to be continued. Tyler, do you want to plug your letterboxd? Yeah, ah my letterboxd Spirit of the Fox, capital S. Sorry.
02:16:30
Speaker
It's a Hot Rod reference. Hot Rod's a bad movie. Hot Rod's the greatest movie of all time. That's actually one of Tyler's favorite movies. so Yeah. fucking hate that movie. So plug yourself.
02:16:42
Speaker
and my So yeah, my letterboxd is Spirit of the Fox. It's all one word. And I gave this a three and a half star. ah I need to rewatch all of the movies together and then rank them all because it's hard to give a rating off of memory. But i still stick by the three and a half star compared to all movies. But I don't really it is my favorite Harry Potter. I might bump it up to a four star.
02:17:07
Speaker
If this is your favorite Harry Potter, what are the rest of them? Yeah, right. I haven't ranked three and a half is your highest is peak Harry Potter. Jesus Christ. I don't know which ones I've ranked, actually.
02:17:19
Speaker
Well, yeah. While you look into that, I, the same thing happened from prisoner of Azkaban with this film. They were both a four. ah Initially I went four and a half and then I docked it back to a four.
02:17:32
Speaker
This remains a four. It was a four last year as well. It's a good movie. I do enjoy it. Obviously. um they do give you more of the dark elements as we were talking about, uh, the first one that's PG 13. Hmm.
02:17:48
Speaker
i rated philosopher I rated Prisoner of Azkaban also three and a half Did you watch it though, or you just put that there? I did. I've watched i've watched them all. like i mean like like Did you watch it and then go to Letterboxd?
02:18:01
Speaker
No, I just put it there. When you first get Letterboxd, you just rate shit. It's just all arbitrary. You're just like, oh, that feels like a three and a half. man Then you watch this is actually a two. Yeah.
02:18:12
Speaker
Looking at you, Doctor Strange. um Sorry. I think it's a four. I think I've settled on a four. It could be a four and a half. All the bullshit I really just don't care for.
02:18:24
Speaker
i don't care for how stupid Harry is. I don't care for how stupid Dumbledore is. this is This is a great Letterboxd review right here. Like Harry Potter, I also procrastinate for weeks until someone just tells me the answers.
02:18:39
Speaker
Sounds about right. for Harry's, Harry's bopper. Yeah. Uh, it'll definitely be, I mean, I think Goblet of Fire will probably still be a top three. Uh, but our next, our next Harry Potter episode, uh, is Order of Phoenix, which is my, currently my highest rated Harry Potter film, which is probably hot.
02:18:56
Speaker
That's kind of hot. I had that at a four and a half star. I think that's an actually, guys, we need to fight against Voldemort. Come on, follow me. I'm Harry Potter. Do what I do. Yeah. Harry's actually doing shit for a change.
02:19:07
Speaker
That's nice. And the introductory, introductory,
02:19:13
Speaker
And Order the Phoenix introduces one of my favorite characters, Luna Lovegood. What's so good about her besides her being hot?
02:19:23
Speaker
She's weird. jar Gerald was like getting geared up when you were like, what's so good about her? And then as soon as you were like, ah besides being hot, I saw him like visibly like move away from me.
02:19:33
Speaker
Had to regather the thoughts. I don't know. She's she's a Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw's cool. I have a cat named Luna. you can fuck You can find out if fucking her or not next except next time we... yeah She's not a beige.
02:19:45
Speaker
Well, not yet. ah She's in all of them, right? Through the of the world? She's the rest of them, yeah. I think Order of the Fiend is an actually dark ah movie. And not to say Half-Blood Prince isn't, but Half-Blood Prince isn't dark until the last fucking 25 minutes.
02:20:00
Speaker
That's true. It's a bore fest. It's like a comedy. Look at this part. They kind of like make it funny. Yeah. Do you want to hit you wanna to hit us with
Social Media and Listener Participation
02:20:10
Speaker
a... ah So stick it in my app. Yeah.
02:20:14
Speaker
so If you want to. So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com.
02:20:25
Speaker
ah Follow us on letterboxd, follow Tyler on letterboxd. Yeah. yeah We will make sure to put his link in the description. And then if you're feeling up to it, send us a voicemail to five Oh, eight, eight fist us five away. Eight dip tip.
02:20:40
Speaker
And we will listen to it live on pod. Yes. We'll answer your your questions live on the pod. If there are questions or comments or concerns, or if it's a movie request, we can tell you if we even give a fuck about that movie and we'll put it on the list.
02:20:56
Speaker
You just made the list. All right, Chris Jericho. Um, Yeah, they didn't hit. That's why I did the cricket noises. Okay. ah Next week, ah according to our schedule, next week's our Minecraft review.
02:21:10
Speaker
Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, boy. raco i I have a little bit of hope for that movie. um don't think it's going to be good. I have a little bit. It does look... The animation looks good.
02:21:21
Speaker
Jack Black keeps getting fatter and fatter in every movie. Yeah. That's true. yeah i know like I know I'm overweight, but like this guy just sits there and eats like Dunkin' donutts Donuts donuts all day.
02:21:33
Speaker
I mean, if I were a multi-millionaire, I probably would not leave the house. I'd only be playing games. I'd be eating whatever the fuck I want. so That's true. he's He's not in a band anymore. True.
02:21:45
Speaker
um Yeah, so we have that, and the week after that is Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix, which currently, we'll see how my ranking changes. It's my favorite Harry Potter movie. ah Until then, Tyler, thank you so much for joining us. And I do i do so declare, I think you did beat your... Our longest episode, think, been beat with this one. So you beat your own record.
02:22:09
Speaker
Yeah, it's been three hours, right? So we'll see what editing does. we're at We're at two and a half right now. It'll probably either tie it or beat it by like a minute or so. There's not too much you have to cut from this, I don't think. Right. There's a couple things.
02:22:20
Speaker
I mean, you mentioned... Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, that's not great. ah But Tyler, any final words before we slaughter you? so
02:22:31
Speaker
Please, I have a family. Before we have not a cadaver you. Obviously, thank you for having me back on. I feel like just to beef up the rivalry, Jake should probably hop on for one of the other Harry Potter movies.
02:22:45
Speaker
We've already offered. We actually offered him this spot and he said no. Oh, I was the second pick. He was about a three-peat before I... well you Well, you texted us, and I was like, we're doing this if you want to come on.
02:22:57
Speaker
It's true. We didn't offer Jake Goblet of Fire. We offered him a different one, right? Asked him, and we offered him? Yeah. You said no. and no You also did say in one of your podcasts, specifically, if I want to come back on, tell you the movie.
02:23:14
Speaker
and we could do it. So you did give me that power that I could choose any movie. then you just didn't, so. Yeah, well, no, I had, like, listened to it. Yeah, that's true.
02:23:25
Speaker
That's what it is. think you should think of a good movie. that I will also see next favorite movie. Hot rod. I'm not doing the scene by scene for it. Fuck that movie. We sucks. We're so fucking boring. Now, a comedy is not a good ah scene by scene. movie No, it's not. No, it would you wouldnt be a good podcast movie. No, it would not be a good, good podcast movie. When something comes out in theaters, I'll probably Tyler. Thanks again. We appreciate your final words. So you still declare yourself as the ah biggest fan of the podcast.
02:23:55
Speaker
I don't know. i feel like Jake is making a good... i'm still a huge fan of Jake. You fucking pussy, couldn't I got to do something to one-up him, and I haven't yet. I'm going to be reclaiming my title.
02:24:10
Speaker
That's crazy that you just conceded to that fucking Roy Polio. He nearly three-enrode me. I'm doing something wrong. but he didn't. But here's the point. He didn't. He said no right I know, but I need to take a look within, figure some stuff out, ah and we we and the team appreciate ah if you would understand our silence in this trying time. Silence is compliance.
02:24:32
Speaker
That's true. so No means yes, yes means anal. I'll get a webcam, and then I can reclaim my spot. But right now, I don't think I've earned it. Yeah, well, all right, Jake, so I guess you won because this fucking pushover just fucking rolled over. Jake's number one fan either.
02:24:46
Speaker
Who is then? I guess we are. Who are the... So I'm assuming... My cousin. twenty five My cousin's a pretty big fan. That's true. I would say your cousin's... She actually wrote into the podcast, which neither of you guys have done.
02:24:59
Speaker
She actually what? She wrote into the podcast, which neither you guys have done, and Jake did with ChatGPT. I didn't fucking forget Jake. Yeah. So, there's that. Yeah. Yeah.
02:25:10
Speaker
right. We'll see you guys next week. Thanks again, Tyler. Yeah. No problem. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.