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EP. 38 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
21 Plays3 months ago
The boys embark on their journey through the world of Harry Potter. They give you a scene by scene of the film, and get sorted into their respective houses!
Tune in to one our favorite, most WILD, episodes!
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Email the pod at 2guys1screenpod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode Plan
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello and welcome to a very special episode of Two Guys, One Screen. My name is Nick. And I'm Gerald. ah And today marks our journey ah into the Harry Potter universe. this is This is pretty big. We've been talking about this for At this point. Yeah. Yeah. We've been talking with us for I mean, we'll see when this comes out, but likely months. Definitely months for sure. um We're starting our journey today, December 16th, just for funsies. We'll see when it comes out. ah But our our goal, we're going to record all all movies, all the films and then put them out.
00:00:49
Speaker
Every two weeks we said or whatever fits in the schedule. Whenever it fits, we don't want to burn you guys out. I'm just talking about Harry Potter.
Personal Connections to Harry Potter
00:00:57
Speaker
You know what USPS says, if it fits, it ships. So there's that, right? I'm very happy that you, uh, the USPS. and ah Um, I know Harry Potter has a, uh, more of a special meaning to you because you grew up watching these films. I.
00:01:20
Speaker
on the other hand, only watched these for the first time, I believe over the pandemic, which is crazy, which is a thing. i It was like a pack of all the films that you, a good pack that you just so generously gifted to me. Because when I bought the 4K pack, ah it came with the Blu-rays as well.
00:01:49
Speaker
So I was like, fuck it. There you go. I don't remember what my initial reaction to Harry Potter was, but I do know last year, right around this time as well, I also rewatched the series.
Directors and Movie Quality
00:02:01
Speaker
um I guess I guess I'll say it now. I could have said it for the last episode on this on Harry Potter, but ah it's for sure one of the most consistently well done ah movie after movie in the franchise and franchises out there across the board, which is kind of wild because the directors change a lot. Yeah, yeah, I mean, until the end, right, the last three movies is that guy, was it Daniel Yates, something like that?
00:02:33
Speaker
yeah the first two are Christopher Columbus yeah Chris Columbus and then the third one's like fucking and you know it's Chris Columbus because there's nobody besides white people in the movie oh whoa whoa whoa that one that uh the Quidditch announcer is black that is true that is true he's the only he or she I don't know if it's a he or she honestly I'd be honest to you I think it's a dude um But what is uh tell us a little bit about your history and affection for Harry Potter Affection affection. Yeah you for for the franchise not for Harry himself. I don't maybe oh, I mean I would fuck Daniel Radcliffe. He's a piece he is Just what it is shout out Daniel Radcliffe come on the pod I'd be something crazy
00:03:24
Speaker
Yeah, I grew up watching these. ah So the second one was the first one I ever watched. ah We like rented it from Blockbuster all the time. And I was like, on VHS. And I'm like, this is amazing. And then I was like, there's more? Because, you know, oh, buddy, there's some there's more. There's more. ah So I eventually watched the first one and I watched the first and second one like a lot, a lot.
Harry Potter Movie Experiences
00:03:53
Speaker
Well, the first four.
00:03:55
Speaker
are the ones that I've seen the most of. Right. I saw five like shortly after. The series ended, so I didn't watch the. ah Five through. Eight. Until I got that original Blu-ray pack, actually. Well, how old are were you when that happened?
00:04:22
Speaker
ah
00:04:26
Speaker
I think it was high school, like 18. Wow, so you hadn't seen the second half, really? Right, honestly. Holy shit, I remember speaking of the second half. I used to visit my family in North Carolina. I remember the night Back when we were a proper country, and they did midnight releases. ah I remember the midnight release of Deathly Hallows Part 2. And I had not seen any of them. I think I'd seen the beginning of Goblet of Fire, because for some reason, my family had the DVD of just that one. Yeah, that' that's what it was. like Oh, we had actually... Dude, I just fucking... It just blew my mind. We have... ah
00:05:05
Speaker
We had a, I guess it was a DVD, but it it was, it was full out, full out, we'll get to that. It was Harry Potter one that opened like a, yeah, I had that same DVD. yeah Yeah, we had that and we had Goblet of Fire and that was it. That's strange. That's strange. But I remember the night that Deathly Hallows part two came out and my cousin, my two cousins were like, so are still like super into Harry Potter. Oh, that was, that was literally a fucking,
00:05:34
Speaker
how literally ah i um And they're like do you want to go and I was like no and looking back now as kind of a Film fan that I am I definitely missed out on saying I was a part of the Midnight release of Deathly house part two. Yeah, I saw none of these in theaters. It was all DVD VHS Yeah,
00:05:55
Speaker
yeah so we'll We're going to do scene by scene for this film in particular. We're still working on a little bit of a layout for these, uh, these episodes on these films, because they get, I mean, Goblet of Fire is like two and a half hours. This one's two and a half. Goblet of Fire is like damn near three. It's like two, it's like 160 something minutes. Yeah. You can hit us with a plug it in, plug it in.
00:06:23
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram. Two guys, one screen pod. Send any comments, concerns, requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail dot.com. Follow us on Letterboxd and make sure to give us a call. Give us a call. 5088. Dip tip or 5088.
00:06:47
Speaker
Fist us. Yeah. Leave a voicemail. ah We'll answer them on the air. Well, not the air on a recording. We'll answer them on a recording in case you say some fuck shit. We, you know, and edit it out. but Yeah. Yeah. yeah ah ah Jake. No, he would never say anything. You would never say anything that crazy. No. No. Mark. ah Mark. At this point, we don't know how the voicemail thing is going to work because we only launched it on today's episode. And this is going to come out. Who knows when. So anyways, leave us a voicemail.
Books vs. Films
00:07:22
Speaker
ah Tell us how you feel tell me how you all right Shall we get into Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone through own By the way have you read any of the books I've read all of them except for Deathly Hallows so any major differences between the books and the movies you can point out when we get to those things Yeah ah Generally, the what the movies cut out is all the bullshit that no one really cares about. Oh, that's good to know. I've never read any of the books. Yeah, like Goblet of Fire, spoiler, is one of my favorites. I feel like that's common, that Goblet of Fire is great. Why don't you let us know your favorite Harry Potter? Right. ah In Goblet of Fire, there's a lot of like, Hermione's like,
00:08:16
Speaker
Basically, like on a period. No, well, kind of. She's like, all these house elves are slaves. Like, and that's like her whole thing, the entire movie. Talking about elves like. all either Yeah, but like they work in the kitchen and shit. It's fucking stupid. Also, the books are very like they're more.
00:08:41
Speaker
Child friendly because they were they were made for, you know, right? children or young teens, pre-teens, whatever. um Even as the books get further on and the movies get darker, the books still have like a a tone to it that's not really my cup of tea. So it kind of sticks with the kid audience you you're saying? Yeah, while while the movies straight up go the the darker route. I do like that a lot about the Harry Potter franchise is that as you know, because
00:09:15
Speaker
People like my cousins have spent, and like fans, not just them, like fans have spent their whole lives growing with like, even the actors themselves, like have gotten older and the tone gets more adult because your fan base becomes more adult. I mean, these movies span across what, 15, 20 years, 17 years. Sorry. Yeah. Uh, long time. So it's like, you kind of have to grow. I think that's a lot of the the the appeal.
00:09:42
Speaker
of Harry Potter also, that's just like so like lore rich and I'm not as up to speed on the lore And I've watched the series three times and there's a lot of the nuance that I I'm probably not gonna know and Gerald's going to correct me It's coming. I'm just letting you guys know now. It's there's potential for that. Yeah Either way, we'll talk about Harry Potter. I did for this I did think of ah we're gonna I want to read the box office numbers for these movies as we go through them That's a good idea
Harry Potter Film and Cast Discussion
00:10:10
Speaker
right there. Just cuz it's interesting to see The growth of the franchise. Yeah. And oh, they don't have it organized by numbers, but it's OK. So Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. I don't fucking know. I'm not really sure why we're doing this. It's only Sorcerer's Stone in America. Well, we're Americans, so it's going to be Sorcerer's Stone. ah Opening grossed $90 million. dollars
00:10:39
Speaker
And it was released November 16, 2001. Obviously this is a Warner Brothers. We'll go now to the cast. It was directed by Christopher Columbus, as we said. In 1492, he sailed the ocean blue and made it Harry Potter. I don't know. 1492 might not i even be right. It sounds right. 14 something. 14 blank two. Yeah, it definitely ends in a two. Jake last night.
00:11:06
Speaker
ah Yeah, that's where I'm blue. Yeah, he's well Christopher Columbus is cancelled so cancelled you're on notice um So we'll go through the cast obviously these films to franchise so in the next episode or whatever when the new character eyes will shout the new character, but Here's your core cast. So buckle up strap in or strap on whatever you prefer It's going to be a yeah it's going to be a list. Daniel Radcliffe plays Harry Potter. ah Rupert Grant plays Ron Weasley. Emma Watson plays Hermione Granger. Emma Watson. OK, we're talking about Emma Watson in life right now in the year of our Lord, who's not real, is make the rules a piece, a piece. OK, it's not like I'm not we're not talking about her in this movie. We're talking about her in the real world today.
00:11:57
Speaker
Not 10 year old. All right. Get it out of your fucking head. Fucking sickos out there. God, like we'd make such dirty jokes. Us? No way. Never. Never in a million years. ah Richard Harris plays Albus Dumbledore. Tom Felton plays Draco Malfoy. Alan Rickman. RIP plays Severus Snape. Robbie Coltrane. Also a recent RIP plays. ah Is it Rubius? Yeah. Rubius? Yes. Hagrid.
00:12:25
Speaker
ah Maggie Smith also a very recent ah RIP ah plays Minerva McGonagall Richard Griffiths plays Vernon Dursley Ian Hart plays Professor Correll. I don't want to try the place first. time I have no idea what the fuck that says Fiona Shaw plays Petunia Dursley John Hart plays mr. Ollivander David Bradley plays Argus Filch Matthew Lewis plays Neville Longbottom Sean This is his real name. There's no way this is his real name. Okay, I'm ready. Sean Biggerstaff.
00:13:03
Speaker
That's a real name! Bro, Sean Biggerstaff, come on the podcast. We want to talk to you. Please, who does he play? ah Oliver Wood, the... the Okay. Nice credits guy. Yeah. um Warwick Davis, he's iconic. He's the Goblin Bank teller.
00:13:20
Speaker
ah Harry Melling plays Dudley Dursley. James Phelps plays Fred Weasley. Oliver Phelps plays George Weasley. ah John Cleese plays Nearly Headless Nick. Chris Rankin plays Percy Weasley.
00:13:36
Speaker
um The one black guy. Alfred Enoch plays Dean Thomas. Bonnie Wright plays Ginny Weasley. She's only there for like a little bit, but she is in it.
00:13:48
Speaker
ah Geraldine Geraldine Somerville plays Lily Potter a Adrian Rollins plays James Potter Well, that's interesting Richard Bremmer plays Lord Voldemort Which we know is not to be true after this movie. Correct. I Think that's did I miss anybody big?
00:14:11
Speaker
uh no no one big um i will say that warwick davis also plays professor flitwick the charms teacher it does say that here i didn't know what it was so i didn't read it gotcha sorry dude no is warwick davis also the guy from leprechaun yeah dude he is leprechaun all right that's what i thought he's also in star wars
00:14:39
Speaker
Star Wars is he an Ewok? He's an Ewok. Yeah. Wow. We're so fucking prejudice one other short there Anyways, the point is this guy Oliver would his name is Sean bigger staff. That's a fucking great name. That's what's up. That's what's up, dude
00:14:58
Speaker
So yeah, we're gonna do a scene by scene for this one. I think this movie overall, though, does a very good job at setting up, even though, like you said, and your letter of box review was also ah well said that it is, it does have a kid tone to it. But I do think it does a great job setting up this franchise. Yeah, so the crazy thing about this franchise is like, in this one, Sorcerer's Stone,
00:15:27
Speaker
You don't really think too much about it. In the second one, you get the the sword of Godric Gryffindor. You don't really think much about it, but they all come around eventually. like You could think, like oh, like how does like this first movie, besides introducing you to Voldemort, really have anything to do with like Deathly Hallows? But everything comes together. It's all full circle. Can you imagine this? This is a crazy thought.
00:15:56
Speaker
there it's possible it's not likely but it is possible there is a person that could be living on this earth who will only know harry potter through our voices and have never watched it and just listen to every episode and only know Harry Potter as we tell it. You think that's a possibility? Yeah, it's totally possible. Is it going to happen? No, but it's it's a possibility. There could be we could get a fan who is like, I've never watched Harry Potter, but these two fucks are pretty funny. I'll listen to them talk about it. Well, note Virgin almost. Sure. and I will say this is a spoiler for, I guess, the whole franchise. My this is my favorite movie franchise of all time.
00:16:39
Speaker
Yeah, that's not i mean that's fair. I think a lot of people would say that. i have ah I have a ranking on Letterbox of the franchise from when I watched it last year. And I'm curious to see how it changed on this watch. Also, I never shouted out. I i got it off Grub. Shout out to Grub or Groove, whatever the fuck it is. I think it's Grub. G-U-G-R-U-V dot.com. I have a six-pack 4K steelbook set, which I'm shocked you don't own.
00:17:05
Speaker
It's a lot of money. that's that's why I also got it on sale. I think it's been about a year I've had it. It was $124 for eight 4K discs, 4K steel books. What the fucking, the drawing that houses it? Yeah, I don't know why I didn't buy that. It is it is the, one of the coolest, actually, I guess it was last year. ah It's one of the coolest things in my collection, I would say. So that's why I've been watching all these drawings on.
00:17:26
Speaker
ah But we'll go to the Sorcerer's Stone, which was released in 2001.
Opening Scenes and Key Elements
00:17:32
Speaker
I'll be honest with you, I don't know how it looked on your screen. The opening of this movie did not look great. No. ah The majority of this movie, really, 4K transfer. I don't know if they did much to it. I don't either. But the movie opens on Privet drive is it private? I don't know privet. It's privet With an owl flying you see a little owl and we see Dude, this is crazy. Can you imagine two muggles? You just see a dude dressed like Dumbledore walking down the street. You're like, who the fuck is this Merlin ass? you know
00:18:12
Speaker
but the fuck is this marlin as Get the fuck here and ah To all you non-fans Muggle is a non-magic person which the movie does a great job setting up a lot of these terms Mm-hmm and telling us what they mean um We also see a cat I love pussy right ah So it's crazy. It's girls just have it on them all the time. They just walk around with it. I What? Yeah. um And Dumbledore, Albus Dumbledore, Mr. Albus. In my notes, I just wrote Albus because Dumbledore is way too fucking long of a word to write. Yeah, Dumbledore. Dumbledore. Dumbledore. Anyways, he has this John that is able to absorb all the lights from the light posts on the street.
00:19:04
Speaker
It's kind of gangster. Like this man could like like Rob places, you know, yeah he do he can do whatever the fuck he wants. It is gangster as fuck. And I'm pretty sure they did this. So McGonagall could transfer from the cat into like her human self. Sure. Now is the reason. um They're walking down the street and they're talking and she's asking Dumbledore if these rumors are true. We find out that Hagrid is bringing the boy. We don't know who Hagrid is yet, but you will in a minute.
00:19:33
Speaker
Hagrid arrives on a flying motorcycle pretty fucking sick Yeah, fuck you Harley drivers get one of these fucking things and This dude is a giant. I mean he'd put any NFL lineman to shame Probably like boy like to shame Probably like eight foot like he's like he's like Yao Ming Yeah, if Yao Ming was like really fat right he built um He arrived and he has a baby with him who we can just say now at Harry Potter spoiler yeah, like yeah I guess um and We see Albus
00:20:18
Speaker
Dumbledore sorry, I just it says Albus. I'm gonna keep saying Albus. That's right. We see him drop off baby Harry Potter with To hit this family the Vernon's who we find out there in the film the Dursleys I wrote Vernon Dursley. I wrote Vernon Dursley. Not the Vorman. Nope, not the Vorman. Not the Vorman. The Dursleys. And we find out later in the film that Petunia, what's her name, right? Petunia? Yeah, Petunia. Her sister was Harry's mother, Lily Potter. So this is Harry's aunt by blood.
00:21:00
Speaker
There's a zoom-in on the scar in his head, which like looks like an N ah And it cuts to the title screen. We also didn't mention yet. Go ahead. You say an N? It looks like an N. You think so? Have you never seen an N before? Should I write one in the chat for you? no No, I have seen an N, but there's like a lightening bolt, not an N. It looks like an N as well. Pull it up. N for no, you're wrong.
00:21:33
Speaker
not no got cut that ah ah Harry Potter scar scar Yeah, it looks like an end. um I'm a mess saying it's not a lightning bolt I'm just saying it was like an end sure if you fucking write your ends like an idiot Well, it's backwards on your screen no, I get I get what you're saying and I just think you're wrong I Okay. yeah I think both things can be true. Okay. That's, that's fair. It's like taking an end and then slanted for some reason, like elongate it. Right. It's like a cursive end, but not cursive. Right. Take both. It's like if you wrote an end in italics. Yeah, that's a good, it's a good way to put it. All right. Well, I honestly didn't think that was going to spark a conversation. I have a lot of things on, on here. Uh,
00:22:27
Speaker
we didn't get We didn't get a chance to say the music as well. The score for Harry Potter is some the most iconic score of all time. So fucking good. Do you think the main theme is probably one of the most iconic music pieces like in in the world? 100%. It's got to be out there, right? Did you ever have to like perform in orchestra? we did see them doing that We did perform Harry Potter, but it was not.
00:22:50
Speaker
It was like the fucking bee cut dude. It was not great. Oh, I write i was not impressed. Oh, okay. I was wondering, do you think, I was trying to think of like movie scores that would rival Harry Potter and obviously like Star Wars sure is up there. Not even like what you like more, like what people would know, like what's more known, like Star Wars, I feel like.
00:23:15
Speaker
Maybe I feel like if you go on the street, everyone's going to know both. If you pull like the fucking Imperial March, everybody's going to know it. Everyone's going to know that. And if you pull the main theme from Harry Potter, everyone's going to know that, too. Right. Like, you're really going to be very hard to find someone doesn't know one of the two of those. I'd say like probably the Jaws theme. Jaws. I was thinking Mission Impossible 2, but that one probably they might not know from the movie because there was a show or two, I think.
00:23:43
Speaker
Yeah, I was also thinking like Indiana Jones, maybe. That one's iconic, iconic. My personal favorite probably still is Harry Potter. Mm hmm. Out of out of that group. And we're talking about favorite scores of all time. I'd have to like think about it. Even like the B cuts in Harry Potter. I know. Except for one, a bunch of fucking 13 year olds going through pure replay and orchestra. That doesn't sound that great. Yeah, well, you can't win them all. Nope, you can't. We get a title card, the iconic music.
00:24:12
Speaker
And it cuts to Petunia banging on Harry Potter, my notes, his HP. Shout out to the Prickers. Yeah, because this franchise prints money. Yeah, it does. Oh, yeah, it does. That's why we're fucking remaking it, that fucking show on HBO. You fucking idiots. I don't get it. Don't fucks. But they're doing it like one season per movie. So that's fire. They get eight hours. Eight? Snape's black.
00:24:42
Speaker
Hey, some diversity diversity. and I just say I mean, but never yeah, Alan Rickman is fucking iconic, dude. He's my I'm just saying this right now. Snapes my favorite character. I think he's mine, too. I love Snape.
00:24:58
Speaker
um We got to Petunia, bang on Harry's or Harry lives under the stairs or his room is under the stairs, essentially the Anne Frank.
00:25:09
Speaker
of Britain at this point. who Well, they are hiding him from Voldemort. ah Right. and Well, they don't give a fuck about Voldemort. They wouldn't care if Harry died. No, but honestly, dude, I I read an article about this and I thought it was like a really interesting point. The Hogwarts and all this stuff, they make it seem like they're trying to protect Harry, but thrusting him into the world of like wizardry like just puts him on notice even more. Whereas if he kept him as a muggle, well, i mean he has magical powers. If they didn't ever do that and he just laid low with these terrible people, he probably never would have been found.
00:25:50
Speaker
Yeah. Uh, right. I mean, yeah, you're right. Forcing him to go to the school is just causing hundreds of people to be at risk. Lives are going to be lost. Like, but also it's for the movie. We we wouldn't have a movie. They didn't do that. So that's why we're doing, that's why we have the movie because they do this. That's why we're here. So I get it. It's why we are here. That's a hundred percent true. Uh,
00:26:14
Speaker
She's banging on the door, and then Dudley comes down the stairs. Dudley's their little fucking piece of shit kid. And he stops extra over Harry's room. Because it's under the stairs, like covered under the stairs. Right. He turns the corner of the staircase. Harry has his door open. He just kicks the door closed. And we find out that it's Dudley's birthday. His parents balled out for him, dude. They got him 30s.
00:26:41
Speaker
36 gifts for his birthday his little piece last year. There was 37. Yeah, and he has a fucking fit about that And they find out imagine for your birthday you get to go to the zoo I mean I would never want to fucking go to the zoo for my birthday not for my birthday, but I fuck with the zoo, but sure So we find out here they're going to the zoo Harry also has to serve them breakfast. He's like your fucking servant. I he's a slave to them. Right. On their way out to the car, Vernon warns Harry about any fucking funny business. um And they go to the zoo. I feel like the snake scene, the zoo scene in general is like one of the most iconic scenes in Harry Potter. Oh, yeah. And my office. No, OK. I think that you're right. Yeah. This is where like you first see magic happen. Right. Unintentionally. Correct.
00:27:38
Speaker
ah They're they're observing this snake ah and Dudley and Vernon both are banging on the glass because the snakes just sleeping and Harry's like he's sleeping and Emily give a fuck like I don't know if you I don't know if you know this about snakes They tend to not move a lot They just chill Yeah, I didn't know that So they leave because the snake's not really moving. Harry's chilling there. And the snake winks at Harry. And he's like, you can can hear me, dude. And the snake's like, it's all good. It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. Like, I understand you, bro. I understand you, bro. You're going through a tough time, man. You just got to, like, chill, bro.
00:28:23
Speaker
Just, you know, time heals all time. I could fit your whole cock and balls in my mouth. I'm like, you won't like it.
00:28:35
Speaker
Uh, this, uh, snakes up. It's really funny. I think the snake is gay, but they, it you know, he's got like a little, he has like a little top hat that art the clown wears. I could see it. I could see it. Um,
00:28:48
Speaker
So the snake's up and Dudley shoves Harry to the ground to look at the snake. And we see the glass that Dudley's leaning on ah disappear. And Dudley falls right into this snake exhibit, which has water. So he's like in a big puddle. Gary Puddles. It's a fuck off. It's like a low pond you know little It's a little John. He falls in there. The snake comes out. He he thanks Harry for letting him out.
00:29:18
Speaker
I'll suck you later. And he goes off and the whole like zoo, like people in the zoo are like panicking about this. They're like, holy shit, there's a fucking snake, a big ass snake, right?
00:29:30
Speaker
um Python how you doing? i i And the best part is after Dudley falls in the glass reappears and he's stuck inside of the ah Snake exhibit good you'll spoil brat ah We cut to Vernon who locks Harry under the stairs um And Harry's trying to tell me was like magic and he like staunchly does not believe in magic at all and ah Next day or whenever an owl drops off a letter that is addressed to Harry Potter What the fuck and it even says the cupboard under the stairs. That's what it's addressed to which fire They know they're watching like Santa Claus. So if we're gonna keep going with this Anne Frank thing. Yeah The boy that lived the girl who hid Oh
00:30:26
Speaker
Oh boy. that ah is yeah I don't know. but Can we do that? Fuck it. Yeah, she's dead. All right. um Listen, we we do not excuse anything the Nazis did. we What happened to Anne Frank was terrible. And what happened to all of fucking Europe when the Nazis took power is awful. okay It's just a little silly joke. I'm sorry. A little dark humor. like At the same time, it was funny.
00:30:55
Speaker
At the same time, they're kind of the same person, you know? Key, low key. We're we're calling Voldemort a Nazi. What's wrong with that? Voldemort's Hitler at this point. Voldemort, we find out in this movie, amassed the following of people that wanted to follow his ideology that was not good. It's kind of like Hitler. And he like kind of like kills a lot of people, you know? Right. I mean, not as many, but he definitely killed our people. I mean, I imagine if vol Voldemort could, though.
00:31:20
Speaker
Voldemort would probably you think if the whole like if ah NATO went after Voldemort he'd win Yes You destroy us, right? Absolutely. It's nukes. He would just turn the fucking nuke into like bubbles or whatever. Yeah, he they put you happy boo All right Cinderella um So, Harry gets this letter, Dudley realizes that the letter is for Harry, he snatches the letter and gives it to Vernon. And Vernon sees that it's stamped and from Hogwarts. He's like, fuck, absolutely not.
00:31:54
Speaker
So the owls continue to keep dropping off letters and the owls are also amassing outside of their house ah And it's just Vernon like kinda, you know, not letting him read these letters He like nails a two by four to the door to block the middle mail slip My question about this mail slip thing that people have on houses how in the wintertime? How is it not fucking freezing in your house? Yeah, right. There's gotta be a draft. There's no insulation on these things. Just a little metal flap them, right? Like that's probably why we got rid of them as a culture Right. Do you think maybe, maybe, you know, Britain still has them? I don't know. If any of you are from the U.K., let us know if you still got a mail slit in it.
00:32:37
Speaker
um Tea and crumpets. Yeah, right. So the owls are like gathering outside their house, more and more of them. And then we get a ah clip of Vernon burning a lighter, just like laughing, making eye contact with Harry. Just like what a piece of shit.
00:32:53
Speaker
Now here's my thing, right? If you had a bunch of like birds, don't bother me. But if I saw like 50 owls outside my house, I'd be a little fucking worried. Especially if it's daytime. Why are the owls up during the day? Right. Right. And now you're going like, they're just out there chilling. That's pretty good, right? I mean, owls who not call, but yeah.
00:33:19
Speaker
Alright, Steve Irwin fucking relax RIP RIP legend he goes ah The next day is Sunday and Vernon is thrilled because there's no mail on Sundays fine day Sunday, but they still now are still outside and out of nowhere basically um The male, like copies of these letters just come flying through every, I want to say orifice, but I was thinking orifice, but it's more like every hole into the house. Down in the chimney, like Santa, the fucking, cra yeah, that little, little two by four, John, that didn't work. letters Just break through that shit.
00:34:08
Speaker
and Harry grabs one letter and Vern's like you better give me that letter like there's not no I can just fucking grab Right so Vern decides after this they're gonna move and going to hiding and they go to this fucking lighthouse Like out of all places. Yeah a lighthouse in the middle of I don't know what ocean what oceans near there. I Really, which one is it? I don't do specific ass Jake.
00:34:33
Speaker
ah Jake I think it would be Atlantic. I'm pretty I mean if I'm wrong we're gonna cut this There it is. It's the Atlantic. Yeah, okay Harry's drawing in the dirt himself a happy birthday cake, which is sad because like Vernon and Petunia are sleeping in a bed Dudley's sleeping on the couch and he's like on a towel on the floor or a blanket and it's like Dirt cold. Yeah, it's like dirt ah suddenly there's some banging on the door and it's Hagrid busting the scene yeah ah this scene is filmed pretty like it's like kind of intense mm-hmm Vernon grabs his gun and this is pretty funny Haggar walks up to Dudley and essentially makes a comment about his weight
00:35:22
Speaker
Oh, I haven't seen you since you hair by Bay. But that he's like, I haven't seen you since you were a baby Harry, but you're a little bigger, particularly in the middle. And that's not Harry. That's Dudley.
00:35:37
Speaker
um Hagrid gifts Harry a birthday cake. And it's funny, because birthdays bought bi RTH da e. ah yeah You know, Hagrid's not the most... Right. But he's great. He's a good guy, that's all that matters. He lights the fire in this place with his umbrella, which is cool as fuck.
00:35:56
Speaker
Bro, Hagrid's like, I don't need a wand, bitch. I got an umbrella. I'm Mary Hopkins, y'all. Shout out Yondu. Shout out to him. john michael rocker Shout out Shout out Portrait of a Serial Killer. Again, it's been a minute since we mentioned that movie. Let's mention it. It's been a while. Every episode. Yeah, we try we try, but we don't do it. We tell, we. Hagrid tells the family and Harry, because Harry doesn't know who he is, ah that he is the keeper of keys and the groundskeeper of Hogwarts.
00:36:27
Speaker
And he tells Harry he's a wizard and Harry's like, I'm just Harry. Yeah, I'm just Harry all over right, especially In the pecker area shout out the man escaped sponsor us my just clean dude, dude I've been using your products before We start this podcast. Absolutely um And everybody knows that line right you're a wizard Harry
00:36:55
Speaker
Uh, how a real boy. Oh, a real boy. He hands, Hagrid hands Harry the letter they've been, you know, avoiding. And vert you know, we find out here that Vernon and Petunia knew that he was the son of like these two famous wizards. And Petunia thinks it's all fucking rubbish. That's what she says. And that she was very envious of her fucking like freak sense. She calls it her freak. That's fucked.
00:37:26
Speaker
Right. um She's bitter as fuck. And Vernon and Petunia told Harry that his parents died in a car crash. And Haggard's like, that's fucking bullshit. Yeah, it's like a car crash kill Lily and James Potter. It's an outrage. You know, ah it's absolute bull shit. We find out here that what a muggle is, which is a non magic person.
00:37:57
Speaker
Watch your mouth. Yeah, you're right. now ah Hagrid gives Dudley a little piggy tail. Well, because he's eating Harry's cake. Fucking fat ass. I want you to eat my cake. Hey, yo, bend over dad. A little piggy fat fuck. He really is, dude.
00:38:16
Speaker
Uh, and Hagrid's like, you can come with me if you, unless you want to stay here. And then Harry's obviously like, yeah, I want to go. He's like, yeah, fuck this shit.
Harry's Introduction to Magic
00:38:25
Speaker
I am head out. We cut to London where they're going over needed school supplies and they walk into a pub and this bartender, uh, and the crowd in the pub are like shocked that, uh, they all know Hagrid and they're shocked to meet Harry Potter. Like the Harry Potter, like Potter, you are a legend.
00:38:46
Speaker
And Harry's like, who the fuck are you people? Why do you know who I am? It is weird. ah Here he meets Professor Quirrell. And this man has us that so so daughter just just a stutter stutter and man's rocking a turban.
00:39:06
Speaker
ah It's a look. He's currently the defense against the dark arts teacher or professor at Hogwarts. ah We walk into this like random little room or alleyway and Harry's asking Haggard why he's famous and Haggard's like, I'm not the right person to tell you that.
00:39:25
Speaker
And he taps on some it's in depth, you know, it's a it's a whole story. Yeah ah He tapped it's an eight film story yeah And Hagrid taps on these like bricks on this brick wall with his little uh little with his umbrella Can you imagine how big Hagrid's cock is dude, dude? He's fucking hanging. good I mean his cock is like like my forearm I'd imagine maybe you have to be well, yeah it's Ball bag is probably throwing around a fucking medicine ball, dude Each testicles like a medicine ball dude. and You see his beard. He don't he don't trim anything, right? Dude, the dark forest is just a metaphor for it teeth ah ah you You get into the dark forest if you're a bad kid
00:40:15
Speaker
and we always kind of go peo jokes dude come on ah But here's something that I was thinking through this entire movie right about average car no no Some of the CGI in this movie is terrible is terrible, but then other points are The CGI is like, holy shit, some of this is better than what we have nowadays. And there's also some really good practical. Right. I agree with all that. So he taps on the bricks, and the the it opens up to Diagon Alley, where ah you can basically get wherever you need for Hogwarts, you know? And they go to the bank because Harry has no money, because he's a kid. And I wrote it down somewhere.
00:41:08
Speaker
What's the name of the bank again? Gringotts. Gringotts, yeah. And we meet the the goblins who work. It's crazy to have goblins working in the bank, but. It's a little fucked right there. It's a little even goblins. It's a little, it's a little. All right. He asked this goblin ask for the key, which Hagrid has. It's Harry's key. um I have a Harry key.
00:41:38
Speaker
but alma and i have
00:41:46
Speaker
ratwell He hands this goblin the key and he also has a letter from Albus which is Dumbledore which is top secret they go to Harry's vault first and then they go to vault 713 713 which is top secret And then inside there's a little pocket. I don't know what it is. It's like it's just a you know we fixed time We don't know what it is. It's a thing right also Harry's fucking riches shit He got me got my his inheritance was lit. He's back out like His parents must have been like what did they have jobs or were they just wizards?
00:42:23
Speaker
I wonder like if you work for the Ministry of Magic if they pay you. Well, they should, right? they Right. I mean, we don't really know how their currency works. Right. Do they use like pounds, like British pounds? Use those gold coins, but I'm not sure what the value says. Maybe it's like John Wick. Then Harry's fucking set for life. He's lit, dude.
00:42:47
Speaker
um Harry needs a wand. and Hagrid is like you got to go to Ollivanders, dude. It's like the place to go That's like the happening place hard The snakes back So here he goes in haggard like I got something to do I'll meet up with you BRB Also, if I didn't mention before the little pocket or a little little John Hagrid takes that and puts it in his pocket And he's like don't tell no one about this. All right i well I mean I so Harry goes into all of enters and mr. All vendor himself already knows who Harry Potter is Of course who doesn't at this fucking point right fucking celebrity He's like he's like Daniel Radcliffe after this movie came out a kid who's really famous
00:43:35
Speaker
There you go. That works. ah They test out a couple wands and shit goes flying of vase shatters. And then he grabs all of it and grabs another wand and there's some hesitation. He's like, should I try it? Should I not? I wonder. And he hands Harry this wand.
00:43:57
Speaker
strike Should I say say it? I got a Harry wand.
00:44:04
Speaker
i can't help myself i'm sorry dude uh so he basically explains uh he gives the wand to harry and fucking his hair goes flying and everything's working lights start they're like he just put a spotlight on him i honestly didn't like this part i play yeah uh and then Mr. Ollivander is very like, you know, intrigued because he's, he basically says that, uh, a Phoenix gave two of his feathers for wands. One of them is in the one that Harry has. And the other feather is in the wand that Voldemort has. Oh, sorry. He who shall not be named. Yeah. Cause he might hear us. so Right. Uh, and that wand gave Harry his scar.
00:44:56
Speaker
Right, if we find out later, the one chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. Got to kind of got a little Asian there. And then he's kind of like he's kind of a a swinger a little bit because he's like, you know, know all of Andrea, dude, because he's like he's like, you know, Voldemort did terrible things, but he also did great things.
00:45:23
Speaker
He's like great, but they were terrible. Right. And the analogy that I made to my fiance last night was Hitler. All right. Well, here we are again with Hitler. I know. I'm just saying like we can compare these two things because Hitler did the worst things ever happened in history, right? Yeah. And Hitler like kills the Jews and then Voldemort was like, kill the muggles. Right. ah And You can't deny Hitler's, you know, military his stats. Yeah, bro, his K.D. is crazy.
00:45:59
Speaker
not Oh, fuck. ah All right. um We so all the years telling about Voldemort and then Hagrid knocks on the door and he has an owl for Harry he bought it as a as a birthday gift.
00:46:17
Speaker
Um, let me cut to Hagrid and Harry eating dinner. And, uh, Hagrid's telling him more about Voldemort and, uh, you know, he's not supposed to say his name, but he does whisper it. There's a flashback to Voldemort. Um, who, again, like we said earlier in the episode, collected a following, you know, of, uh, you know, misguided people. Yeah. Um, anybody that slipped to Voldemort would get fucking murked. So Lily and James stood up to Voldemort and he killed them. And when he went to kill Harry,
00:46:47
Speaker
Basically a bounce back. Yeah, you know like that ass Who's ass? Whose Evers? Oh you wanted to but yeah, you want to bounce back, right? Right um And Harry goes on to say that, you know, some say Voldemort died, but Hagrid thinks he's out there somewhere and Harry he is the boy who lived you know how that song goes famous Last night i took it L but tonight I bounced back, right? I Yeah, that's true ah We cut to the train station where Hagrid gives Harry his ticket and Lily just bounces immediately No, you're here
00:47:34
Speaker
but sells a hairy and side bro 40 and slip and Harry's ticket says nine and three-quarter. That's the platform needs to go to and That's actually not the size of my cock believe it or not, right? um All right, we have to cut this okay a hundred percent I'm not leaving this if I'm gonna say anyways, okay do you
00:48:02
Speaker
ah
00:48:20
Speaker
That'll be on Patreon for the $100 tier. Oh boy. Alright, let's not talk about what I just said and just move on. Okay. Um, so Hagrid bounces, he can't ask where this platform is. And then he goes up to like a, I don't know, he's an officer. He's just a dude that works at the train station. He's like a train conductor. He's like, you fuck with me, dude. What do I look like? Some kind of stupid idiot to you? Yeah. Uh, nine and three quarters. Fucking pleb. Right.
00:48:49
Speaker
Then, uh, he catches the Weasley's walking by, uh, and it's Percy, Fred and George and, uh, Ron, Ron, Ron. Uh, and essentially, you know, the, what's the mother's name again? Do you know Maggie? Is it Maggie? I think it's Maggie. Yeah. Maggie shows Harry how to run through this wall in between platform nine and 10, take it to nine and three quarter. Boom.
00:49:17
Speaker
Boom, and you're there. And you're at the Hogwarts Express. ah We cut to Harry, who's on the train, and Ron asks to sit with Harry because there's no other seats.
Journey to Hogwarts and First Impressions
00:49:26
Speaker
And Ron is shocked to meet Harry Potter. And he asks about the scar. And then the snack cart lady walks by, and Harry buys the whole thing. We'll buy the lot. Yeah, because, you know, Ron's like, yeah he like pulls out, like, I don't know what the fuck it is. Like, some shit wrapped in, like, plastic wrap.
00:49:45
Speaker
Right. And Harry's like, fuck that. We ball. We're out here. Uh, I don't really care about the snacks. If you want to talk about them, you can. The chocolate frog thing, chocolate frog, birdie bots, every flavor beans. I don't think that pumpkin pasties here, but that's later in the franchise. Pumpkin pasties. what you That's what they're called, dude. They go what I think they are. No, they're like little pumpkin cookies, not pumpkins that you put on your nipples.
00:50:13
Speaker
Right, obviously. like But you can lick my pasty nipples.
00:50:20
Speaker
We meet Ron's... Was it a rat or a mouse? Oh, it's a rat for sure. My voice scabbers. I didn't know if it was a mouse or a rat and I fucking didn't put the sound effect. What the fuck? Put it in now. In post. Ron's rat scabbers. And then Hermione walks in looking for Neville's toad.
00:50:42
Speaker
I need to know about mr. long bottom over here ha ah and what you walked in rod is trying
00:51:03
Speaker
He's trying to turn his scab yellow. No, he's trying to turn he's tracked on the rat yellow. um And then she just invites herself and she sits down and she fixes Harry's glasses. Sunshine Daisy's butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat yet rello. Oh, you have dyslexia, dude. Yeah, I do. Shit. Fuck. But then Hermione's all like Oculus Reparo.
00:51:32
Speaker
You know all the spells. I wrote some of them down. um They arrive at like the the train station at Hogwarts and Hagra leads the way to these boats. The boat's sailing to the fucking Hogwarts school from the iconic scene. That's sick as fuck, dude. I wish I could have that like as a fucking like poster or something. You probably go on the internet. Do you ever heard of the internet before? No, I haven't. Well, go to google dot.com and then type is Harry Potter poster. You know what that is? but What is? That. That I'm pointing at.
00:52:01
Speaker
It's covered I can't see I'm sorry as a Harry Potter poster. Yeah, it's the this this this movie actually great Great. ah So, feel was a fuck I get it. I don't. Sorry, dude. Yeah, that's fine. Whatever. Fuck me, I guess. Fuck you is right. And, uh, nevermind. So we, the kids are coming up the stairs into Hogwarts and meet, uh, professor McGonagall who, uh, tells them first you have to get sorted into their house. Uh, and she explains the point system here that each house earns points and loses points. And at the end of the year, where is the most points wins the house cup.
00:52:40
Speaker
Can we cut this? Oh my god. Oh my god. It's like eat or be eaten. Right. It's a dog eat dog world, you know what I'm saying? oh Jesus Christ.
00:52:56
Speaker
um
00:53:00
Speaker
ah While she's talking, ah Neville finds his little toad. And we meet Draco Malfoy and his little goons, Crab and Goyle, these fucking idiots. Yo, Crab is a gangster ass name though, I don't care. I agree, so I like Goyle too, to be honest. Goyle? Yeah, it's like a gargoyle. Correct.
00:53:20
Speaker
ah They walk into the dining hall and Dumbledore makes an announcement that Dark Forest is forbidden. ah He introduces Mr. Filch, who is the a caretaker and the third floor corridor, he says is out of bounds. For anyone who wishes to suffer a most painful death. And then while he's giving this announcement, Harry and Snape have a weird little steering contest.
00:53:46
Speaker
And I'm just off rip. I'm just trying to fuck the shit out of Snape. Off tip. Off tip, dude. And then we get the the sorting out. Sorting out's cool as fuck. Bro, this this CGI looked baller. I agree. ah So we are going to do, we're going to sort ourselves. Live. You want to go first or me to go first?
00:54:10
Speaker
ah I thought we were going at the same time questions, right with the answer questions, right? We choose the same we do the same questions together, right? I think that I think the order is different. We can try though. I'm game we can try. Okay ah House start the soaring ceremony. Let me know when you're at this page I'm at question one my question one is dusk or dawn. Me too. Oh, okay. What are you picking? I like dawn. I'm a morning person Yeah, dust gives me a lot of anxiety I'm gonna go dawn Yeah. And then you get which would you rather be? Liked? Trusted? Feared? Envied? Imitated? Or praised? Oh, we got different ones now. I figured. I'll answer mine first because I just read the question. OK. I think I'm going to go trusted. That's a good one. All right, what's yours?
00:55:09
Speaker
If you were attending Hogwarts, which pet would you choose to take with you? That's my next question. Cat, toad, or an owl? ah We're taking the cat. We're we're a cat-friendly podcast for sure. I'm also going straight puss, dude. Absolutely. Oh, you can pick the color? Ginger, white, Siamese, tabby, black? Definitely black. No, I'm going to go ginger. go ginger.
00:55:39
Speaker
I'm going to go white because it kind of looks like my cat Luna copy. Uh, that was also my question. So what's your next question? Uh, once every century, the flutter by Bush produces flowers that adapt their scent to attract the unwary. If it lured you, it would smell of McDonald's for me, the sea home, a crackling log fire.
00:56:07
Speaker
or Fresh parchment. Well, I don't fucking write fire scares. me I can't read It was either home or the sea but I i think you're a sea man. That's what I was gonna say See i like I like the ocean and shit. So ski The question is which scenario would frighten you most Standing on top of something very high and revising there are suddenly that there are no hand or footholds nor aing any barriers stopping from falling and oh Shit being forced to speak in such a silly voice that hardly anyone can understand you and everyone laughs at you that's waiting to find that now they're your friends nor your family have any idea who you are and I at the keyhole of a dark windowless room in which you are locked That's it. I'm gonna go with the following one. I think no. No, I'm gonna go with the keyhole one That's pretty scary, huh? Yeah, that's like a lot of my nightmares on it like remember the night terror thing We had a conversation about
00:57:01
Speaker
Yeah, I'd wake up and still think I was in the dream. It's like being in a dark room. That's terrifying in my own bed. So I'm going to go and never want to never want to experience that. you know Given the choice, would you rather invent a potion that would guarantee you glory holes, love, yup power or wisdom?
00:57:22
Speaker
Uh, I think I'm going to go with wisdom because being smart never hurts anybody. or We are not. So it's good to be smart or not. Right. So I want to be. And I'm i'm a bad lover. So but you could get better with this, right? True. I got the same question you got before about what smell, if it lured you. Um,
00:57:47
Speaker
I think I'm going fire. Which of the following do you find most difficult to deal with? Loneliness. Being alive. but Yeah. Boredom. Hunger. Being ignored or the cold? Well, I love the cold. I love being alone.
00:58:05
Speaker
ah Boredom. Fuck boredom. Hunger. I'm fat, so I'm always hungry. Fair enough. And being ignored, like, bet.
00:58:17
Speaker
Don't talk to me. ah So I think I'm going to go with hunger.
Quidditch and Magical Challenges
00:58:24
Speaker
ah My next question is, after you died, what would you most like people to do when they hear your name? I'd like them to start stroking their meat. Oh my god. Oh, Nick. ah oh
00:58:40
Speaker
ah You're the options. Ask for more stories about your adventures. Miss you but smile. Think with admiration of your achievements. I don't care what people think me after I'm dead. It's what they think me while I'm alive that counts. That's some gay shit. I'm not picking that one. Yeah, it's like a fucking cop out shit.
00:59:01
Speaker
I'm going to hit think with admiration of your achievements. That's the closest one of jerking off, but I had to miss you, but smile. ah Go ahead. well you're the You're the next your question.
00:59:14
Speaker
What are you most looking forward to learning at Hogwarts? How to make my cock big with magic. ah All about magical creatures and how to befriend slash care for them.
00:59:27
Speaker
Flying on a broomstick. Apparition and desperation. Being able to materialize and dematerialize at will. That's dope. Secrets around the castle. ah That's what the video games are for, so I can just, you know, free run the castle. ah Transfiguration. Turning one object into another object. Like taking my cock and making it a vagina. Hexes and jinxes. Or every area of magic I can. That's gay.
00:59:57
Speaker
I'm going with the first one. That's like all the above. Basically. I'm going magical creatures because that's dope. ah My.
01:00:07
Speaker
Which of the following would you most likely study? But the answers are different. Merpeople, centaurs, werewolves, vampires, goblins, trolls, ghosts. What's the most interesting here? ah I guess centaur, maybe, ah nah, I'm gonna go werewolf. Shout out to dog soldiers. Here you go. I got the nightmare question now. Oh my god, how are we gonna answer this? Hold on.
01:00:34
Speaker
I got the nightmare question and I'm also going with falling cause heights are fucking scary, dude. I think I ended up picking the dark room, but I get it. My next question literally is white or black. I got the same one. This is a little, they're setting us up for failure.
01:00:53
Speaker
Yeah, this is um racist. Let's think about this in life, right? yeah I would say if a um podcast, something I follow releases merch, I'm likely to get the white color weight of it. Even though black does look good, and I like wearing my black when I wear my black, you know? I also just got white chef coats at work instead of black ones, and I do like them a lot more. I think I'm leaning white.
01:01:23
Speaker
So if we're going all the up this coming off the clothes, like that's a good you know interpretation of this to make me pick something. The 90% of my closet is black.
01:01:39
Speaker
ah I'm going to go with black. I'm going to go white. Oh, are you at the sorting had ready to make a decision here one more? Yeah.
01:01:52
Speaker
All right, here we go. ah Don't say it yet, we'll just let it generate. Oh wait, do you remember yours before we took this quiz? Yeah. All right, let's both say ours before we did this too. Okay, so before I did this, I was a Hufflepuff. Okay. Now, I am a Ravenclaw, which is fire, because they're my favorite house.
01:02:19
Speaker
Oh, that's good. Uh, I was a Ravenclaw back in 2021. Last month took this quiz. Uh, now I'm in Gryffindor, baby. That's a little fucking basic, huh? You little goody two shoes. I was in Ravenclaw though. Oh, okay. Yeah. already I was ex communicado for Ravenclaw. I'm just, yeah, I'm just saying, uh, when it goes to, you know, your fellow Ravenclaws,
01:02:47
Speaker
um got some bannggers here baby I got I got literally Harry Potter, bro. What are you talking about? Yeah, but I got Professor Flitwick. That's dope. ah Professor Flitwick, my clit. Right. I got Gilderoy Lockhart. ah who the fuck is Who the fuck is that? Gilderoy Lockhart. He's the guy in Chamber of Secrets who is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and he's a fucking fraud. Yeah, so I'm proud of him. Because he's funny.
01:03:15
Speaker
Alright. And probably the best Ravenclaw of all time, my girl, the love of my life, Luna Lovegood. Alright, I'll let you have it, but I can't say I care enough about this. Yeah, that's fair. ah About being in Gryffindor or not. I honestly thought if I picked black I was gonna give me Slytherin.
01:03:33
Speaker
Yeah, that's fair. ah Should we make our wands, too, while we're at it? ah First of all, would you describe yourself as average height, tall or short? I'm average height. I'm average, yeah, for sure. ah Are your eyes... I got brown eyes. bro I think they're hazel. Mine or yours? Mine. Okay. I was born on an even number. I am. Awesome. Even number. even um Do you most pride yourself on determination, imagination, intelligence, optimism? Definitely not optimism. Kindness, originality, or resilience? I'm going to go originality. I'm going to go determination. I'm not determined to do anything. Traveling alone. Right. Traveling alone down a deserted road. You reach a crossroad. Do you continue right, left, oh, right towards the castle, left towards the sea, ahead towards the forest. Fuck the forest. Yeah, I'm going towards the sea, baby.
01:04:31
Speaker
I'm gonna go towards the castle. Fuck it. Do you most fear darkness, heights, fire, isolation, small spaces? The more I get older, the more small spaces kind of freak me out. I agree with that.
01:04:43
Speaker
um
01:04:47
Speaker
Um... Isolation is whatever, dude. I don't give a fuck. That's cool. I'm not. I'm isolated as fuck already. Yeah, that's cool. I've been through COVID, dog. I'm gonna go with heights. I'm gonna fuck with him.
01:04:58
Speaker
I don't know. I guess small spaces. I don't really fuck with or honest darkness kind of freaks me out. Yeah.
01:05:08
Speaker
In a chest of magical artifacts, which would you choose? A silver dagger, a glittering jewel, golden key, black glove, ornate mirror, bound scroll, dusty bow. Who the fuck is going to take a glove? OJ Simpson's glove. I'll take it. Right. Because that's going to be worth some money.
01:05:26
Speaker
um
01:05:29
Speaker
Is the ornate near the mirror from Mike Flanagan's movie? Oculus? Right. I'm going to say no. That's scary. I don't want that one. Balance Scroll. I just watched that movie, The Mummy. I'm not fucking open to no Balance Scroll. No, that's bad. That's bad for you.
01:05:46
Speaker
Golden key. I don't know what the fuck the key's for. Yeah. Right? Silver dagger. Like, am I fighting a werewolf? I got knives. I'm gonna go with a jewel, you know? I can sell that shit. I'm going key. Key. Alright. Alright, what do you got?
01:06:05
Speaker
How many, how many, how many inches you got is the question? Bro, your wand is chestnut wood with a unicorn core 11 and 3 fourths and quite bendy. Let's fucking go. I got a, I got a sick more wood Phoenix core. I got 12 and a quarter inches of unbending flexibility meat. Damn, dude. You know what I mean? Fuck. I'm bendable though.
01:06:34
Speaker
I'm quite bendy, that's bad. 12 and a quarter inch the length, let's go. The guy's first name is Garrick, Garrick Ollivander. Really? All right, so we're not doing Patronus until the one with the Patronus, part one. Part three. Or whatever it is. Part three. Correct. There's no part three in Harry Potter, bro. What? ah Prisoner of Azarban. Part three. At movie three.
01:07:01
Speaker
Alright, well we'll go over who now where everybody got sorted to. Who know where, when, when why, how? Hermione gets Gryffindor, Malfoy gets Slytherin, Suzanne Bones, who fucking cares, she gets Hufflepuff. I don't know who the fuck that bitch is. She's relevant as hell. Ron gets Gryffindor, Harry Potter begs to not get Slytherin, and the hat puts him in Gryffindor.
01:07:24
Speaker
Uh, food appears on the table as they all eat. And, uh, Harry asks Percy who the fuck Snape is and Snape, we find out here is the head of Slytherin. He teaches potions and wants Quarrel's job as a defense against a dark arts professor.
01:07:41
Speaker
And then i don't know if you like I don't really care about this. Certain nearly headless Nicholas shows up. I think we can skip this. Yeah, we can skip him. He's cool, but like irrelevant. to I find him annoying, honestly. They go to the dorms, the staircase that move is pretty iconic. um Also, this whole this whole like area with the staircase has paintings that have like people like living inside them, essentially.
01:08:04
Speaker
um
01:08:08
Speaker
They get to the door of Gryffindor, which is basically a big-ass painting of a lady who is named Gryffindor. Yeah. And she asks for the password, which the guy says, like, Caput Draconis, something like that. Caput Draconis. We cut to the next day, where they're in class. And Harry and Ron are like, how are you going to be late on the first day of school, bruh? That's pretty fucked, right? Get yourself a map.
01:08:34
Speaker
And Ron's like, oh, we're fine. She's not even here yet. But McGonagall is a cat on the desk. This CGI is crazy. i don't It looked like flawless. Right. ah We then cut to Potions class with Professor Snape. And he's going on some little rant about bottling glory and fame and whatever else. And Harry is literally writing down what Snape is saying. And he gets pissed off at him. But Snape calls him out for not paying attention. And he asks him some weird, nerdy questions he doesn't know the answer to. But Hermione knows every single answer, obviously.
01:09:08
Speaker
um We cut back to the dining hall where Seamus another relevant character He's trying to turn water into rum And they get the mail and Ron Gets a newspaper that Harry asked to read and it says that someone broke into Gringotts vault 713 Filthy gringos yeah breaking in the green guys may That's pretty progressive Yeah. ne Neville gets a remember all. Remember ball remember remember all. remember Remember the fifth of November. Damn straight. ah We then meet Professor Hooch. Fuck this lady, dude. she's a fucking She's one of the worst teachers of all fucking time. I agree. I think she's fired, expelled, gotten rid of Professor Hooch.
01:10:06
Speaker
Badra cadaver her right in her fucking stupid face fuck this lady Dabber is crazy, bro. You just got a killer gold blood. Yeah, she's fucking terrible. I hate her She's ugly tom Yeah and you say that nope i all think i cant so we gotta cut that o um
01:10:27
Speaker
They, uh, she's teaching them how to, I almost, I get their broom up. but Hey, yo, the broom was in the ground and they had like forced like fucking use the force to bring it up. She says some sus shit. She's like, uh, grip it, right. Grip it, grip it, right. It straddle it. Like some shit like that.
01:10:50
Speaker
Uh, Harry does it immediately. Ron gets smacked in the face of his own broomstick. Hey, how you doing? Yeah, how you doing? And Hooch asks them to kick off the ground and just hover. Uh, and Neville goes flying.
01:11:06
Speaker
ah like out of control and gets caught on a statue and falls. That CGI's ass. I'm not going to lie to you in this whole time, Hooch does not think you're a flying instructor, could not go up on her broom and fucking help him out. Just watches him fucking crash and burn. Here's my thing, right? Yeah. do you He was flying like a fucking asshole, right? so Yeah. and ah like Do you think Malfoy did it? I do. I was going to ask you that. I think i think he did. Right? Yeah. 100%.
01:11:33
Speaker
Um, she, so who says literally nothing to help this kid. He breaks his wrist. That's when she cares. Right. Um, and they go inside. She's like, nobody get on the fucking on their brooms. You all stand in the ground until I come back or ah you're going to be expelled. Right. Malfoy gets takes a Neville's ball. I mean, uh, he goes up on it on his broom and he provokes area come up. He also says that, uh,
01:12:02
Speaker
maybe he would remember he should have remembered to fall on his fat ass. which Is Neville packing or? I don't know. He got that fucking dumper on him? like What's going on? I don't know if he does. But Harry goes up on his broom and Malfoy heats the ball. And Harry makes, I guess, a cool catch in front of McGonagall's office.
01:12:25
Speaker
And she comes down and it seems like Harry's gonna be in trouble, but she takes him ah to meet Oliver Wood. Uh, who is in professor quarrels class currently. I'm trying to get all of her wood. Hey, hey, hey I don't know how I want her wood. Well, uh, and again, Oliver wood is played by Sean bigger staff. All right. So in case you forgot, uh, and McGonagall claims that Harry Potter is the new seeker for Gryffindor. Um, we cut to Harry and Ron walking through the halls and Ron's like first year's never make, you know, the house team. Uh, and Ron's brothers were both on the team. He's the youngest.
01:13:03
Speaker
Quidditch seeker in a century Wow, that's a hundred years guys ah Then Hermione points out that uh Harry's father was also a seeker. He has like a like a Plaque in the hallway. He doesn't have plaque cuz he's dead but I has a plaque Then they're going back to their dorm and the staircases move and they end up on the third floor dark corridor They're not supposed to be on that's bad and they see filters cat and what happens the door behind them closes They can't go back down the stairs
01:13:39
Speaker
They run down- they run down the corridor instead of just leaving. Yeah, because the cat shows up. Sort of like, fuck this, they got they know Mr. Filch is gonna be there, because Mrs. Norris is already there. So they run the fuck down, come to a locked door. What are you gonna do? Hermione's like, allow her Hamora. How about Hermione's- Hermione's like,
01:14:01
Speaker
um look a ze
01:14:06
Speaker
that ask Yeah, that bitch open that's the ah that's the button specifically for ah Harry Potter. Yeah, I like it. I look a zoom. I look a zoom. I was going to use it when Hagrid lights the fire, but I figured this is a better is very better no spot for it. The door is locked. And like you said, she oh she unlocks the door.
01:14:29
Speaker
and There is a three-headed dog we come to find out is named fluffy the goat the goat he going crazy and They run and I guess Hermione caught that he was guarding a trapdoor We then cut to Oliver wood with Harry and he's kind of teach him how to He's played Quidditch, I guess, one-on-one. He's showing him all the different Quidditch balls. He shows he shows Harry his quaffle.
01:15:06
Speaker
This one's called the Quaffle. ah got you cut ah yeah I he said I fucking knew I was going to have something. um And they're supposed to ah throw the Quaffles into the hoops. There's also Bludgers. And there's the Golden Snitch, aka Golden Snatch.
01:15:30
Speaker
Okay, I was gonna say it's also like the click because it's super hard to find oh, that's true, too You see it one second and then next it's gone. It's gone. Yeah, I think it's a myth I think it definitely is a myth yeah Uh, they cut to what's the name of this class. They learn how to like do shit. Oh, it's charms with charms. And they learn the famous when guardian Leviosa, uh, spell. It makes things levitate if you're not. um a gazeza Right. Yeah. So Hermione hits it with an Alakazam and then, uh, the feather floats and she's the champion because she did it the best and never blows up some shit. Cause he's an idiot. Sheamus.
01:16:17
Speaker
Sorry, he's all like when God Leviosa we got boom That's pretty good. Thank you. Yeah, so like runs like really fucking pissed. He can't get it and her mind. He's like You're saying it wrong. It's Leviosa not Leviosa Saw dude, I love y'all saw dude
01:16:41
Speaker
um Uh... Yeah, so she gives him shit by the way he's pronouncing it, and then after class, Weasley's talking shit about Hermione, and she walks right by and hears him. Which, if you're gonna talk shit, don't get caught, dude. Come on. Right. Like, obviously, you're coming out of the same damn classroom. Like, you know she's gonna be somewhere near you. Right. You fucking hog.
01:17:06
Speaker
All right. We cut to a Halloween themed dinner and know you find out here her mind has been crying in the bathroom all day. Fucking a bitch. ah bo And Coral runs in screaming as a troll in the dungeon. I think that is like key word to I got to take a shit. Dude, I was about to say troll the dungeons like one in the chamber. Like I got to go now.
01:17:31
Speaker
got oh me i got fuck it think i shit but but sorry um So he passes out like right in the middle of the floor very dramatic and Dumbledore sends everybody back to their home their houses ah whole fucking guy a fucking mortgage ah Harry and Ron decide to dip to go help Hermione cuz she's in the bathroom um And Hermione comes face to face with a troll which ah looks like part of its practical Yeah, it's like when Harry's riding it pause
01:18:09
Speaker
ah does he not run
01:18:14
Speaker
He's riding the head dude. He's riding the trolls head. That's CGI but like his fate like the trolls face like after they like, you know and boys like like just wand in its nose yeah He's fucking nose fucking this man ah
01:18:35
Speaker
So basically Basically ah Harry ends up riding my boy and then Ron like when garden boy Ron when Guardian Levios is his club the trolls club and ah Smacks him on the head with it. He gets mollywap with his own club right and then he falls and then it's knocked out and And then Snape, McGonagall, and fucking... Quill. Quill. I think that's like squirrel without the S. Squirrel. Quill. Quill. Yeah, I think that's how you say it. ah They all run in and they're fucking shook.
01:19:15
Speaker
ah and And... They're basically like... They take five points away from Hermione. But then give five points to Ron and Harry. um Yeah, like what like what are we doing here? What the fuck's the point? ah And then but Harry sees that Snape's leg is bleeding. Mm hmm.
01:19:38
Speaker
So he's like, yo, what's good? Fox good with this. Are you acting so sus? Severus sus. um so ah That you're completely right. And then we cut to them eating again in the dining hall and Snape walks by and wishes Harry good luck in his first Quidditch game.
01:20:00
Speaker
And Harry kind of goes in a little conspiracy theory mode and he's like Snape let the troll in as a diversion so he could get under the trapdoor and The dog bit him which is definitely not what happened because his leg does not look like got bitten by a dog Right if his leg got bit by fluffy like man wouldn't have a leg like that should be gone, right? Oh an owl drops off a broom for Harry and it's not just any broom dude it is the Nimbus 2000 oh fuck which is like the best one I guess and then they're standing about to go out onto the field for Quidditch and
01:20:40
Speaker
ah Wood tells Harry he took a bludger to the head a few minutes into his first game and like blacked out Yeah, he's like I woke up in the hospital a week later. So that sucks like yeah, that's exactly what I want to fuck in here, dude So the game starts basically he gets fucking knocked out. He's the goalie by the way He gets knocked the fuck out this girl gets knocked the fuck out also who plays for Gryffindor. They're up like ah two scores And then all of a sudden ah Slytherin's able to come back, score two more. And Harry, his ah broom is jinxed as they say. And ah Hermione is convinced it's Snape who is like mumbling stuff under his breath who is jinxing Harry Potter.
01:21:24
Speaker
um And she sneaks under the bleachers and Snetz sets his jacket on fire. I have it written down.
01:21:36
Speaker
They card them in flamade. Pretty good. Hey, there you go. Her little Italian, honestly. It does. She hits him with the... fuck a zo So, I gotta remember to use that. The jacket goes up in flames and Harry's able to regain control of his shtick. I don't know.
01:21:55
Speaker
And he is able to make I he finds the the G spot he finds the clip he finds a golden clip But this other dude is trying to find it too. He's like, you know there finds the death for the clip I don't blame him. I I want to find the fucking secret sauce right secret sauce is funny ah And there's a scene where head Henry Harry goes on but mean to say henry do the accident henry potter My boy My boy Harry Bopper. Check out Jake if you're listening. ah He goes on his broomstick like Silver Surfer.
Revelations and Mystical Objects
01:22:33
Speaker
Fucking surfing on this fucking thing, man. And ah you see him take a tumble off and it looks like he's gonna throw up and he throws up the Golden Snitch, which means that Gryffindor gets 150 points and they win! Let's fucking go.
01:22:53
Speaker
ah You're not supposed to swallow the clit, Harry. i I'm pretty sure sucking on it works. If you're a female listening to this podcast for a godforsaken reason, Ryan, let us know. Yeah, you like it to be licked, sucked, or fucked. Tell us. Jesus Christ.
01:23:10
Speaker
Oh man, I'm having a good time. Okay. Um, we're really setting the bar high for future episodes. Cause it's just, you know, what can we might have to do scene by scene for all of them. like I'm not, I'm not writing scene by scene for all these fucking movies. I'm not, I will not do it. This is so fucking much and it's longer than this. My Dick's not longer, but they're longer.
01:23:34
Speaker
Uh, we cut to Hagrid, and they told him they're fucking ra- I wasn't racist. They're crazy. They're crazy fucking theory about Snape, and how Snape was staring at- I can't say this. Snape was bro- He was staring at Hagrid's shtick, and he didn't even blink once!
01:24:00
Speaker
Hey, yo!
01:24:06
Speaker
and
01:24:09
Speaker
know who stared a harry harry's broom but a shtick like that dude
01:24:18
Speaker
two
01:24:22
Speaker
ah Well So Hagrid's like dude, are you fucking stupid Snape is protecting the ah Sorcerer's Stone because they tell him they know about the Sorcerer's Stone. um And Hagrid accidentally tells them that that is a secret between him Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel, who is some old ass man who's been able to use the stone to make the elixir of life and essentially be immortal. Yeah, he's like in this the stone turns metal into gold. He's that guy. Right.
01:25:04
Speaker
We cut and it's Christmas time now. Let's go Santa's not real kids Ron and Harry are playing chess Wizards chess I Was say that to the end but they're playing chess right now um they They... Hermione says, you know, she's going home for the... By the way, I didn't tell you this. Uh, every time I write Hermione in my notes, it autocorrects to heroin. but So, she says heroin. She just went for that heroin. Dude, I'm... Do you understand? I have to write... I'm writing notes as the movie's gone. I'm not gonna pause the movie every time. Right. You're crying over Snape seeing Harry's shit? Yeah. And I'm blanking once.
01:25:58
Speaker
Damn, dude, he would take the shit out of a cum shot, bro. He would take it right to the face, no problem. Hermione's going home for the holidays. Ron's family went to Romania. And, uh, where his brother studies dragons. Uh, and Harry's family doesn't give a fuck about them. And their dad, they don't fucking care.
01:26:16
Speaker
Uh, the next day is Christmas morning and they have presents Harry is shocked. And Harry's gifted an invisible cloak from an anonymous person. And the note from this anonymous person says it was his father's. You don't have to say on the pod, but do we find out who gave him the cloak? I know who does. Because the books are because of the movie. Uh, fucking, I think it's the books. They might tell you in the movies who give him the cloak Dumbledore.
01:26:46
Speaker
Oh, okay. Um, they use a cloak to, I forgot to say this, uh, Hermione tells, you know, Harry and Ron that they have to go find the book about Nicholas Flamel in the restricted section. Cause I don't know who Nicholas Flamel is. Nobody fucking does. Right. Like who the fuck is this guy? They've looked every fucking book in the fucking library. Can't find him. They use a cloak to sneak into the restricted section of the library.
01:27:11
Speaker
Actually at this point it's just Harry, it's not Ron. Harry opens his book, he thinks it's about Nicholas Flamel, and the book starts screaming. What is this about? Some some books. It's like cursed. Okay. and Which obviously alerts Filch. ah So Harry kind of eludes Filch, and he sees Snape and Quarrel. And Snape is like fucking intimidating Quarrel. He's like, you don't want to make me your enemy.
01:27:39
Speaker
um And he sees Snape like turn like Snape kind of senses him near him and he reaches his hand out and like just misses his invisible cloak Then we see Filch come into frame and show them the blam because Harry left the lamp in the restricted section and that means a student but Damn dude ah How does Harry get to this room with the mirror? He just accidentally falls into it. He's eluding. He starts fucking running through the hallways and just opens the doors. And this is the mirror of Irised. And the mirror, if you can't fucking tell, shows you your deepest desire. So Harry sees his parents. Because you know, they fucking dead. Right. So he runs and gets Ron. He's like, come fucking see this shit. And Ron's like, I can't see your parents, bro. But I'm in there as the Quidditch captain. How about that? Fucker.
01:28:35
Speaker
They don't really do this well, but I guess Harry just sits there in front of the mirror and Ron leaves. Yeah, he's just fantasizing about his family. And then Dumbledore shows up, and he's like, you better be careful with this shit, bro. People have stared at this mirror for too long and gone crazy. It's going to get in your head. And he's like, we are going to move this mirror tomorrow. Do not go looking for it, which just jogged a question in my head I have for you towards the end of the film. OK.
01:29:02
Speaker
um We cut and I guess her mind is back from a winter break and she has found a book on flamel. And if Nicholas Flamel is the man who made the Sorcerer's Stone, as I said earlier, ah the stone turns metal into gold, something about the elixir of life and becoming a mortal. And they go to Hagrid and they tell him again, hey, Snape is the guy who's after the stone, bruh. And Hagrid is like, dude, he's protecting it, bruh. Hagrid also has ah has a dragon egg.
01:29:31
Speaker
And this is a Nor region Ridgeback. There you go. That is birthed right in front of them named Norbert. That's my fucking guy, dude. And he lights Hagrid's dark forest on fire. No, I'm just talking about his beard, not his pubes. He's talking about the dragon, and then they see a figure outside the window. It was Malfoy who was eavesdropping, and he rats them out to McGonagall.
01:29:57
Speaker
And she deducts 50 points from Ron, Harry, and Hermione, ah and then gives all four of them, Malfoy included detention because they were sneaking out after dark. And Malfoy's fucking pissed. He's like, yo, I fucking helped you. And he's like and she's like like, yeah, but you wore out at night. ah We cut to Filch walking the kids over to Hagrid's little shack.
01:30:24
Speaker
And they say Hagrid's watching. He tells him Hagrid will be there like the tension monitor and they have a job to do ah in the ah dark forest. Not not not in Hagrid's pubes in the actual dark forest. Also, Filch is like fucking crazy because he's like he said he misses like when they used to ah hang the kids by their thumbs in the dungeons because you like to hear him scream. Yeah, I mean, this guy's a great actor, too. Shout out to that dude. God, I miss the screaming.
01:30:55
Speaker
Hagrid tells us here that Albus sent Norbert to Romania. um
01:31:03
Speaker
And it's here where they're like, no, we're actually going in the forest. They thought we were fucking around, but like, no, for real. And like, there's werewolves in there. But is what it is. So walk through this fucking terribly CGI looking forest and they find unicorn blood.
01:31:17
Speaker
um which we'll get to in a second uh so Hagrid sends Harry and Draco and Draco wants Fang which is Hagrid's dog to go looking and they split up like let's split up and look for clues man I don't have the the Goofy's trial here uh Harry and Draco find a unicorn dead that's getting sucked off by the mentor Hagrid or type John is not the mentor. No, it's Voldemort Okay, you have to explain this to me now because I don't get it Voldemort I thought was in the back of homies head. Yeah, cuz that's homie So he can just transform into a
01:32:10
Speaker
No, he's like a parasite. Voldemort's like a parasite. He's just a living in Quill's body. But he needs this is cor blood. So how did. OK, I guess, Mike, I don't think it matters, but how it how did he become the Dementor looking type drawn? I think he just wore a cloak.
01:32:31
Speaker
It's just a head and a cloak. Yeah. It's just facing a cloak. I don't know. All right. Well, it's Voldemort. Sorry. Thank you for correcting me. Because like I said, I don't fucking know what's going on. He's getting fucking sucked off. The unicorn's getting sucked. I'm too busy thinking about fucking Hagrid's dark forest. Basically, uh, unicorn getting sucked.
01:32:53
Speaker
Malfoy's a little pussy. He gets scared. He runs off. Harry's with fang. Harry's scar starts burning. He starts backing up. Bro starts coming at Harry. Harry falls. And then out of nowhere, centaur John, I think he's like air amends or some shit. It's forenz, which I wanted to i wanted to say over here. Forenz is how Italian people pronounce Florence. Like the city of Florence is pronounced forenz. Yeah. Anyways. So he's a Italian centaur.
01:33:23
Speaker
I don't know he probably the hog. I don't know don't you think he definitely does you got you got the horse cock of the deal? That's fucking fire dude sure basically Friends like scares Voldemort off and he's like hey Jake just called me. Should we answer on the pod? Yeah, sure. All right. Let's see what happens Jake You're live on the two guys one screen podcast um You're live. We're doing our episode on Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Sorcerer's Stone, whatever you want to call it. ah And um my question to you is, how do you feel about the analogy Gerald and I have come to that ah Voldemort and his following are the equivalent to the Nazis? And Harry Potter is like Anne Frank.
01:34:10
Speaker
That's a tough one. Because it's like the boy who lived and the girl who hid. Yeah. No, I understand where you're coming from. um I hate to put you on the spot like that. and If you need time to think about it, you can always you know take your time. We can just change the subject. Also, I just realized you answered the phone into my full government name. I'm going to have to bleep that. I apologize. No, you didn't know. It's OK. To be fair, that's how I always answer them. Right. Yeah, you didn't know. Yeah. what What are your thoughts on Harry Potter while you're here?
01:34:41
Speaker
I enjoyed the Would you put it up there as one of the greatest franchises of all time? Oh, easily. Hands down. Hand it. What are we going to ask, Jake? Oh, we wanted to ask you about Christopher Columbus. Yeah. What about Christopher Columbus, the piece of shit? Yeah, we all hate him. He's canceled. We know. He directed the first two movies. Well, if you didn't know this, Jake, Christopher Columbus did direct the first two Harry Potter movies. um That's not me making something up. That's fact. Is that canceled? I guess so. I mean, it was it was before cancel culture.
01:35:11
Speaker
To be fair so maybe you know ah my question is is the rhyme did he sail across ocean blue in 1492? What's the year? and fourteen hundred and ninety two columbus sails the ocean blue We did it right Gerald good for yeah we fucking we fucking nailed it Actually this will not be your first time on the podcast technically, but go ahead hot take cheek coming at you I'm starting to think Harry Potter might be better than star wars
01:35:41
Speaker
We've been saying that, dog. ah We agree with that hot take. All right. Here are the two guys, one screen podcast. ah Also, you want to hit me with one one time real quick, a nice Harry bopper. Harry bopper? Yeah. and i I was trying to make that a sound, and I couldn't convert it. But it is what it is. ah but but Like potter. bokeh potter. All right. Anything else you want to say to the the millions of fans?
01:36:08
Speaker
ah i am one of you Great. ah i will I'll call you after our recording's done. Alright, goodbye. Bye. Now that we've got that Jew out of here. Jake, ladies and gentlemen. you ah rabbi Yeah, so they go and they find, like you said, it's Voldemort, not a Dementor. Because, ah yeah, John, Forenz, is like, hey, do you know who that was? Hey, Bader. Hey, Bader, you know who that was.
01:36:39
Speaker
Then Harry's like, oh yeah, that was Voldemort. Does Harry, Harry did not say it was Voldemort. I think he asked. Nah, he did. He was like, he was like, uh, so you're telling me that thing that was drinking the unicorn's blood that was Voldemort. And then friends is like, Hey, yes. ah And that's so what I said. We have to say here too, there's ah some good information here that, uh, unicorn blood, uh, I get helps you can like save you from death.
01:37:08
Speaker
Yeah. And and ah which is why ah Voldemort's sucking on it because it it's keeping him alive. um So and if you if you kill one, you have a half life. Which means what? I don't under I'd honestly I don't get the half life thing. You're basically cursed. Yeah, because unicorns are like the most pure.
01:37:36
Speaker
Yeah. They're like cows to Hindi people, essentially. Right. ah Don't want the touch of my cow. It wasn't fucking racist until you said that. It was fine until you said that. Don't touch my other. Do you think they get milk cows? Probably can, right? Just can't kill them.
01:37:56
Speaker
But anyways, Voldemort's been using their blood to live. Hermione says. ah We cut back to the school and Hermione says ah Harry's safe because Dumbledore is the wizard that Voldemort's always feared most. um And Harry shares that his scars burning and he thinks of warning for danger. It's like it's like a Spidey sense, but it's a Harry. I think it's actually just chlamydia, but that's just me.
01:38:25
Speaker
Harry's got chlamydia on his fucking face. Yeah. We caught the kid driving conversation with Hagrid, who incidentally tells them how to calm down the three-headed dog Fluffy. He also tells them that it's his pet. ah And it's by playing music. Harry puts together here that whoever sold Hagrid that dragon egg, Norbert, ah wants to stone.
01:38:49
Speaker
because Hagrid's wanted to drag in his whole life and Conveniently when the schools like been threatened, ah you know, you know now I wish Never bomb threats, dude. Crazy time to live in. Yeah, it was crazy. We don't bomb it like every week, basically. It's crazy. It's fucking stupid. And we didn't even live in there Iran. We lived in New York. Iran. That's a is it Iran. I don't know. Oh, it's definitely not Iran. It's that it's not that. Well, Iran.
01:39:23
Speaker
Okay, see, that was the cut. that Yeah, I knew we had to cut it. I knew we had to, but I was just... That I'm probably gonna have to bleep. Let us know if you'd rather me cut it or just bleep it. I think the bleep sounds better. Yeah, do you want us to bleep it or cut it? we also could Also, if you have any ideas for funny sounds I could use instead of like that hard beeping noise, I'll definitely fill that in instead. Could we hit them with a rut row or should we hit you with like a... Yeah, but I also use the rut row button.
01:39:52
Speaker
yeah It's a sus button right which we're definitely sus right so or They figured that out that whoever sold in the eggs or the egg wants the stone they ask ah They ask Haggard like who sold you the stones. I don't fucking know. They look like I don't remember anymore And they tell the kids go to Professor McGonagall and tell her that someone's trying to steal stone and And they asked talk Dumbledore who's been called to the Ministry of Magic and she's like, yeah, get the fuck out of here. I still can fuck with shit that doesn't need to be meddled in. Yeah, dude. And she's like, this is above your pay grade. And they still think it's Snape. And I don't know if it's because I've seen this movie three times now, but it's like kind of obvious it's not Snape. Yeah, you keep fucking saying it's this guy. It's not what it's not. Yeah.
01:40:39
Speaker
um So they decide, you know what? Tonight's the night we're going to go sneak in the trap door and get the and get the the stone. ah And while our talking, Snape walks over and he's like, you guys better chill the fuck out but or else people are going to think you're up to something. And he had a little weird staring contest. yeah Yeah. Harry's like eyeing him down. And I'm like, oh, fucking weird. And you were tonguing him down, right? Snape, not Harry.
01:41:03
Speaker
Yeah, I was tongue and snape. I tongue snape. Alan Rickman, RIP. You're a fucking legend. True. So they decide they're going to go on their way to sneak out.
Final Challenges and Confrontation
01:41:13
Speaker
Neville Longbottom stops them and, you know, Gryffindor is going to lose points for them sneaking out and all this bullshit. And she ah she Hermione hits Neville with.
01:41:25
Speaker
Dryfit, Drificus, I think Drificus Totalus. I'm trying. What? Patrificus Totalus. Oh, it's Pa? I heard you heard Drif- I didn't hear it at all. And she freezes this man. Mr. Freeze, you ain't got shit. She hates him with the- You ever see the meme of this where instead of a wand, she has a Glock and she just shoots an envelope. There was a, there was a video I saw that I didn't click on that on YouTube. That was like Harry Potter, but with guns. Yeah. I've i've seen that. Um, so they get down into, uh, they take the cloak and they go and Hermione uses Alohamora to unlock the door.
01:42:11
Speaker
um a kaza and And Fluffy's already in there and he's asleep because there's a harp that's playing and they put a they're like Oh Snape must have put a spell on this to have it play And they drag fluffy huge-ass paw off the door the music suddenly stops fluffy awakens and they jump down into the ah trapdoor Right before that, though, Ron takes like a literal cum shot on his shoulder. Fluffy, like buses, fucking not. It was like a rule, but it looked like a cum shot and it's not. I don't make the rules. it looks And he's like, oh, I think so. Yeah, that's pretty accurate, actually. They fall into this weird plant thing, which we'll tell you the name of in a minute, ah that starts to wrap itself around them. And it's called Devil Snare. And Hermione says just to relax and you'll fall right through the
01:43:06
Speaker
the plant root, whatever it is. And then Hermione remembers after she falls through that ah devil snare hates sunlight. Devil snare devil snares deadly fun but will soak in the sun. Pretty good. Thank you. I've seen this movie once. me too Actually like 17 times. So they get through I go into this room and find a floating broom ah with some keys. They're like it looks like the keys are fish in the aquarium. They're just like fucking going in circles. Right. Like in the air. But they're flying. They got wings and shit. And
01:43:47
Speaker
One has a limp, and Harry's like, that's the key to open the door. He got that gangster lean. you got that He got that fucking stanky leg on him. And Harry's like, nah, this seems too simple. But he puts his hand on the broom, and all the keys decide to start chasing him.
01:44:07
Speaker
And he's able to catch the the limp to key Which he passes to Hermione while all the other keys are still chasing him and They open the door Henry fly Henry again. I said Henry Henry Harry flies through the door. they They slam the door shut all the keys are stuck on the other side And it's time to play big chess Once I make my move, sorry They have to actually play chess, just so you guys know. Hope you're good at chess. You know, fucking chess and shit. Harry's the bishop, Hermione's the queen, and Ron's the knight. But Ron is ah riding this knight. He's not like that. like Harry's just himself on a square. Right. This dumb motherfucker's like, I'm going to ride the horse. Right. So they played you watch him play chess, and essentially Ron has to sacrifice himself
01:45:05
Speaker
Not really. His piece. right So Harry can put ah the king in check. Not me. Not Hermione. You. yeah Yeah. And honestly, they're they're like, it's really dramatic. The fucking king just stabs the horse in the throat. yeah like Doesn't even touch Ron. But Ron falls off and it's all fucking dramatic or whatever. That's the thing. like Before that fucking dude like Chopped his horse. He could've jumped off. Right. Would the game have stopped? I don't know.
01:45:40
Speaker
oh no bro I forgot it was there. It's all right. Hermione wants to go help Ron, but Harry's like, we're still playing. Harry puts the king in check. The sword the king is holding falls to the ground. They win the game. They cross the other side of the chess board.
01:46:00
Speaker
doby where her mind is going to take Ron to get help and they they split up here. ah So we're in this room with the mirror of Iris said, yeah, and quite yeah, yes. Coral is there and he's the one that's behind it all. Not Snape. Coral.
01:46:23
Speaker
Not Hermione, you. And he tells Harry, I was the one trying to fuck up your stick. But Snape was doing a count. It's basically exposition. Like he was behind it all the whole time. He let control blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, bla blah, blah, blah. And the reveal here, he takes his turban off. And there's fucking Voldemort on the other side of his fucking head. Yeah. He's like the mayor from Nightmare Before Christmas. Right.
01:46:50
Speaker
and He's like, where's the stone? Harry goes in front of the mirror, and he asks him what he sees. And Harry's like, I see myself winning the Quidditch Cup, which is Ron's a bullshit story from winning the cup from before. And Voldemort's like, you fucking liar. And essentially, Voldemort's like, kill him.
01:47:09
Speaker
Yeah, but the the stone magically ends up in Harry's pocket because he sees himself in the mirror Have the stone in his pocket and then he touches his pants and the pants have the stone in the pocket Stay in the pocket quarterbacks. Yeah. All right We the next part Quora just starts choking Harry Potter out and look kind of It looked like he was fucking actually giving pressure. It was kind of scary. Right. But Harry grabs like his hands, and Quarrel's hands start burning. And then Harry just like puts his hands on his face, and Quarrel's face just burns. And he crumbles into like nothing like he got snapped from Thanos. Right. ah A ghostly version, I guess this is Voldemort, appears and like passes through Harry. And he's knocked the fuck out.
01:48:06
Speaker
Harry wakes up in a hospital bed and Dumbledore is there and tells Dumbledore tells Harry Potter the stones been destroyed he talked to flamel and Harry's like well flamel is gonna die bitch flamel has been alive for 600 years time to go bro you've had your turn he's good he's he's doing it for you it's all about you for you not for me um Not for Hermione.
Conclusion and Gryffindor's Victory
01:48:31
Speaker
It's your movie. why you and He also tells Harry Potter that he got the stone because he wanted to find it but not to use it. and Dumbledore set it up that way apparently.
01:48:47
Speaker
Voldemort can still return though a toddler here that Lily his mother sacrificed Harry's mother not Voldemort Dumbledore's mother sacrificed herself ah For her son, which marked Harry causing quarrel to burn Love she was able to burn quarrel because of love that we cut to the dining hall and they're announcing the end of year stats apparently and Yeah. Trying to figure out who won the House Cup. Gryffindor is in fucking Bob and the Barrel fourth place. Slytherin allegedly wins. But Dumbledore decides to award points to Hermione for her intellect. Ron for his best game of chess ever played. And Henry. Henry. Dude, how many fucking times I got to say Henry? Harry. Harry. I'm going to start saying HP, dude.
01:49:44
Speaker
Uh, for pure nerve, the fucking nerve, nerve and courage. And, uh, Neville Longbottom gets 10 points for standing up to his friends. Uh, and Gryffindor wins the house cup. Uh, we see all the kids and Harry going home and Hagrid gifts him a photo, a photo album with has his parents and a picture of him as a baby in it. Uh, I don't know. It's the end of the fucking movie, dude.
01:50:11
Speaker
And that is Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret for the next movie. This is the end of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Philosopher's Stone. not jesus christ That was Harry Plopper. Harry Plopper, Harry Potter, Harry's bopper.
01:50:29
Speaker
ah Yeah, I'm just gonna, we've said enough on this movie. I'm gonna give this a three and a half. It is a little childish, but like we said at the beginning, it does, the film does grow with its audience, the series does grow with its audience, so. I'm also giving it a three and a half, and that's, for me personally, I already know that's the lowest it's gonna go.
01:50:51
Speaker
My rating of this movie when I watched it last year was a four. I wonder why I dropped it. I'm not sure what the difference is, ah but we havent you know what really what it comes down to that i I have the most issue with it. It's not even really the ah the child. I mean the childish tone doesn't help as an adult, but also like there's all this build up to.
01:51:14
Speaker
that coral is the bad guy. And like when that actually happens, they don't really sit in that at all. It's like close the bad guy up. Harry can just burn them to the ground and then it's over. Just kill them. There's a lot of build up and then there's just like it doesn't nothing really. I don't think it is very good. Yeah, it's like they ran out of time or something. Do you think Dumbledore asked coral to move the mirror? Like had the the mirror got moved, right? So it's in that room. Yeah. And who moved it there? Probably Dumbledore.
01:51:43
Speaker
How do you think Quill knew about it, because of Voldemort? Yeah. All right. Or Dumbledore might have like, you know, probably all the teachers know where it's going. Right. It's fair. And Dumbledore moved it there on purpose because he knew that Harry was going to go there. He probably did know, huh? He's a fucking god, dude. Yeah, he is. He's a legend.
01:52:10
Speaker
All right, we'll wrap this episode up with a ah So follow us on Instagram two guys one screen pod Send any comments concerns requests to two guys one screen pod at gmail dot.com follow us on letter boxed and hit us up 8 5 0 8 8 dip tip 508 dip tip 508 fist us give us a call leave was a voicemail. Let us know what you think ah Jake was not calling to leave a voicemail. He actually called my cell phone number because he has that information. Yeah You will not get that information you fucking weirdos. Yeah, I can't tell you guys just coming out next week because we're pre recording all these episodes um But we'll see you next time on our Harry Potter series for
01:53:02
Speaker
the Chamber of Secrets. W. See y'all next time. Toodles. Mark, fuck you.