Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
EP. 48 Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince (2009)
19 Plays1 month ago
This episode is WILD, please keep in mind they're all jokes. Were just kidding. We hope you enjoy
Follow us on Instagram!
Our Tik Tok page is live!
Email the pod at 2guys1screenpod@gmail.com
Leave us a voicemail to be answered on the pod! 508-834-7847
Check out our Youtube Page for clips!
Recommended
Transcript
Trigger Warning and Humor Disclaimer
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello, and before we start this episode, this is a warning to all of sensitive... This is a warning to sensitive people. It's a trigger warning for sure.
00:00:12
Speaker
ah This episode of Harry Potter is brought to you by... Nobody. We don't have sponsors. Petophilia. but We went off the fucking walls this episode. We just want to assure everybody they're all jokes.
00:00:25
Speaker
Um... And if you get triggered by anything happening with pedophilia, this is not the episode for you. No, and, you know, we don't condone any of these actions, right? But we are not going to censor our humor or anything.
00:00:41
Speaker
We actually censored part of it. so Some of it is so fucking crazy. But, you know, still, some of it made it through. That is... Wild. We just want to say one more time. It's all jokes. We're just kidding. We don't fucking mean anything. The end of our intro song says it's just jokes. We're just kidding.
00:00:58
Speaker
So. um And we hope you enjoy the episode. Toodles. That is shtick like that, dude. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:01:10
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:01:14
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:01:22
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:01:26
Speaker
That's how identify, is that don't take a e-drug.
00:01:37
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:01:41
Speaker
Scrubbing the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:01:47
Speaker
We're just joking. I ever think jokes.
00:01:51
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Introduction to Episode 48 and Film Discussion
00:02:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 48 of the Two Guys, Screen podcast, aka the Hemorrhoid Homies. We are in like fucking code red. I am struggling.
00:02:12
Speaker
A.K.A. the Poe Town Boys. My name is Nick. And I'm Gerald. And today we are in year number six, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
00:02:27
Speaker
You have a very interesting relationship with this movie. um Yeah, I do have an interesting relationship with this movie. I don't remember the first time I watched it, but I know it was during COVID. Then I watched it again last year. And I have said on previous episodes and thought it was a bit of a board fest and people sucked its cock for the end of the movie, which is great.
00:02:48
Speaker
Undoubtedly great. Oh, one of the most memorable parts of the series. So, um yeah, and you'll find out how it went for me this time.
00:02:59
Speaker
You know? This movie takes a very comedic turn for no reason. You think so? What was supposed to be? Oh, I guess. Yeah. The comedy, I'll be honest, most of the comedy throughout the entire franchise does not hit for me.
00:03:14
Speaker
This movie hits hard for me. You find it funny? i fucking love Yeah, I fucking love this movie. Oh, okay. Like when Harry when harry takes the liquid luck, he's like, hi. He's like, oh.
00:03:27
Speaker
He's like so happy. i don't know. I just yeah i didn't. To each their own, right? to eat teeth don't I'm not going yuck your yum and you don't have to yuck my yum. I mean, i'll I'll suck your yum. You could spit in my mouth if you want.
00:03:42
Speaker
I'm down. All right. um We'll really quickly do a... love ah So follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod.
00:03:53
Speaker
That's where all the clips will be. Follow us on the YouTube page if it's up and running. Twoguysonescreenpod. Send any comments, concerns, requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com.
00:04:06
Speaker
Follow us on Letterboxd. And if you're feeling up to it, send us a voicemail that we will react to live on air at 5088-FISTUS. 5088-DIPSIT.
00:04:20
Speaker
Links are in the description. Call in with your Harry Potter thoughts. Let us know. I mean, this has to be provoking someone. Someone, right? ah Let us know about your Harry Bopper.
00:04:31
Speaker
Yeah, tell us what shade of brown your butthole is today. How do you shave your taint? Let us know.
00:04:41
Speaker
I just use Manscaped. Sponsor us, please. You know, so sometimes it's hard because, you know, I'm fat. So sometimes it's hard for me to, like, get all the way, you know? Yeah. So I asked Anna. I was like, will you do it for me?
00:04:53
Speaker
You know? I think we brought this up in the podcast before. She said no. was very hurt. was very hurt. Incoming, I just got a follow on Letterboxd. Shout out J Lightning.
00:05:04
Speaker
Just followed me. Hey, on Letterboxd, WJ Lightning. If you're listening to this podcast, shout out you. Shout out you. Follow me too, you fucker. oh you hear the podcast I don't know. Jesus and friends, where are you at?
00:05:17
Speaker
Yeah, right. um
Post 9-11 Context and Character Introductions
00:05:19
Speaker
All right. pay So there's there's a couple of things that I want to do ah before we get into this movie. Let's address the first thing. It is a post 9-11 movie.
00:05:28
Speaker
Of course. And we are a post 9-11 podcast. Never forget. What were we talking about? I think the appropriate most adult thing for us to do is because this movie was released in 2009, there are several ah players who become free agents.
00:05:52
Speaker
ah
00:05:54
Speaker
so It's not weird anymore. It's not weird. So what I'm going to do, what I propose, is I hit the button once and we use it As a blanket button for all of the the characters who are in this movie that have now become of age.
00:06:15
Speaker
Okay. We're good with that? I'm good with that. All right.
00:06:22
Speaker
It's almost like a moment of silence, but not. Right. Okay. Not a moment of silence for everything that we can now stick our dicks into. Right. Uh... I will now go over your newcomers.
00:06:35
Speaker
David Yates, as I mentioned last episode, continues his second ah Harry Potter film.
00:06:43
Speaker
ah We got Jim Broadbent, who plays Horace Slughorn. This man, if his assignment was to play a pedophile, he did it.
00:06:56
Speaker
now He understood the assignment. Yes. Jessie Cave. Her name is way too hype in the cast list for my own liking. ah Plays Lavender Brown. Are you in or out on her?
00:07:08
Speaker
I'll be honest. Button wise? Yeah. Well, yes.
00:07:15
Speaker
I'll be honest. She kind of looks like a porn star that I do beat it to. Who's that?
00:07:23
Speaker
not further she You'll know it's her she's got birthmark on her shoulder. I have no shame. Damn, my cousin's going to hear this. going be so disgusted. I'm sorry. like oh He jerks off? oh Yeah, men jerk off. What do you think we do?
00:07:37
Speaker
Cut that. um
00:07:44
Speaker
For me, I'm go i'm leaning the doink, the doink, yoink. I'd probably fuck her.
00:07:54
Speaker
Like well that's we are tempted to say no, because that button, the not fucking it button is so funny. Yeah. But also like, yeah, I mean, I'd hit down bad enough, you know, and fucking.
00:08:07
Speaker
Yeah. That's what it is.
00:08:11
Speaker
um okay. We're moving on. have more to say. No, I'm good. Okay. Great. Great. Oh, we got Freddie Stroma who plays Cormac McLagan. What a dumb name.
00:08:22
Speaker
Um,
00:08:25
Speaker
If he was playing Todd, he'd be McLagan. Are we doing it for the men? but we're He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. And just to do this, to be stupid, in case you were wondering, Michael Gambon is still Albus Dumbledore.
00:08:40
Speaker
oh
00:08:43
Speaker
In case you guys forgot.
00:08:48
Speaker
Helen McRory plays Narcissa Malfoy. I did not know she was a Malfoy. You didn't know Draco's mom? No. No, I didn't. I'm sorry. i for For real, at the big rubble. It's rubble on my end. I didn't know that.
00:09:05
Speaker
I mean, she has like a whole thing with Snape. You know, protect my son. Yeah. So are you hitting or are you I ain't fucking it. She kind of got that little like that... You're probably like past your prime, but that picture that picture's Yeah.
00:09:22
Speaker
yeah yeah
00:09:25
Speaker
We ain't fucking. We'll skip her. he ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Dave Lagino plays Fenrir Greyback. um It's almost a racial slur.
00:09:38
Speaker
I would agree with you there. Yeah. Pansy Parkinson. Who the fuck is that? i don't know. if She got Parkinson's disease. You got fucking Parkinson's. Shout out to Tom Segura.
00:09:50
Speaker
I think it's Tom Segura. That's played by Scarlett Hefner. And she can fucking get it. Look this girl. Oh my goodness. Respectfully. Okay. Respectfully.
00:10:02
Speaker
She is the friend. She's not Kate. She's Katie's friend. Oh, I told her not to touch the necklace. Gotcha. So irrelevant.
00:10:13
Speaker
Yes. But what where is, did I miss Kate? Kate.
00:10:19
Speaker
Anna Schaffer plays Ramilda Vane. Ramilda Vane can get it. I'll be honest. It's up to you though. Yeah, fuck it. I'm Grace with the... Georgina Leonidas plays Katie Bell.
00:10:32
Speaker
In this picture, she could fucking... Oh, in that one, yeah. ah In the movie? Oh, is she of age? There's no information. We're going to assume she's of age. Should we just skip it?
00:10:44
Speaker
Yeah, if we're unsure, we got to skip it. Okay.
00:10:49
Speaker
Um... Who else do we have here? We got hero. Fiends Tiffin plays a young Tom Riddle. He had to talk, so we got to give him that one.
00:11:00
Speaker
That's true. right. Going get into the scene by scene now. Again, friendly reminder, these people were talking about of of age. So if anything bad happens...
00:11:13
Speaker
If any jokes, any off-color jokes are made. We say a lot of out-of-pocket things. We waited six, five movies for this. It's been it's been rough. You know, for all of us. It's been rough, but Hermione can finally get her tits sucked.
00:11:28
Speaker
That's it, dude. That's all we're saying. That's all we're saying. Fucking engorgio those fucking tits. All right. So I can get a nice teddy. Fuck. That's all you want. The half blood prince picks up right where order the Phoenix left off.
00:11:44
Speaker
It's like two days after feels like it's not. It's the next year, but no, they're, they open and they're standing in the ministry still like shocked from, Oh yeah, you're right.
00:11:57
Speaker
Like literally three minutes. Maybe. They finish filming, uh, uh, order the things like, all right, keep going. That's the first one. Start processing that.
00:12:08
Speaker
That'd be cool, but I doubt that, uh, Dumbledore and Harry Potter are getting their photos taken right for serious death. And they are fucking yeah disturbed. Um, we get the title screen and it cuts to London, a little stormy, little bad weather, you know?
00:12:26
Speaker
And, uh, what do we What are we calling the cloud thing? Death mark? The dark mark. The dark mark. I even made a joke about the dark mark. Why can't I remember that?
00:12:39
Speaker
Remember I said I want that tattoo? Yeah. and we Oh, with Tyler. and Yeah. I don't know why i can't remember the dark mark. The dark mark's in the sky, and there's these death eaters that are... Go ahead.
00:12:49
Speaker
If Mark was black, would we call him Dark Mark? We could. we got i mean, if Mark was okay with it, we could call him Dark Mark. I'll call him ah'll call him that tonight. i don't care. By the way, if you're offended on Mark's behalf, fuck you. that sentence Also, I also forgot to mention at the top, I have a special button for this episode, which you may or may not get.
00:13:11
Speaker
I think you'll get it. I don't know. Okay. It's not as weird as the Wolf of Wall Street, Paul. I'll be honest. All right. Because, I mean, i I probably should have known that one, but. No, no. you No, it was a weird poll for sure. um They're flying through London and they're terrorizing the city. They terrorize Diagon Alley.
00:13:30
Speaker
ah And they grab someone. They put a bag over somebody's head and they just leave. Yeah. Yeah. Um, also London bridge is falling down. They destroy a bridge for no reason. Quite literally. I mean, they're fucking going crazy.
00:13:44
Speaker
They're killing muggles left and right. Like they don't give a fuck.
00:13:49
Speaker
We cut to it ah diner. It looks like a diner, but it's like in the subway. Yeah. Do they have like restaurants and subways or shit? Like, It must be a London thing, maybe. I don't know. but If you're from London, listen to this right in.
00:14:02
Speaker
I've been on a train once. Actually, my sister went to London right in. Right in. doesn't listen to this podcast. text Also, if she did, i think she'd stop talking to me. Yeah, you'd probably be. Even if your mom listened to this, you'd probably be disowned. too Dude, my mom.
00:14:16
Speaker
God bless my mom for not listening to this. I don't even think my parents know what a podcast is, so I'm good. I agree with that. um Harry is in this diner, and he's reading the paper, and there's this little, it's almost like flirtatious, like, are you Harry Potter? He's like, no.
00:14:30
Speaker
No, it's not me. Me, guy like me. This economy. Like, this chick's a muggle, right? This chick is a fucking mudblood fucking, I don't know.
00:14:43
Speaker
I like saying mudblood. It a nice ring to it. Mudblood? It totally makes me fucking Slytherin, but yes. Can we use that instead of the N-word? What's mudblood? Right, we've been over this.
00:14:53
Speaker
Yeah. She walks away, and Harry asks her what time she gets off, which is like, it's 11. I know you're going to ask me that. I only get off at 11 o'clock. are you You're a jerk off at night, guy, right? Are you the morning?
00:15:06
Speaker
ah Morning, usually. Really? Are you a night? Are you like, like when you wake up, you're just going at it. yeah give me like fuck it's just Yeah. Give me like five, 10 minutes. And then, yeah, that's how i start my day. Not like on my days off, not work days. Cause then it'll just get to sleep.
00:15:26
Speaker
Yeah. I'm exclusively nighttime. I think, I mean, there are, I've done a couple of midday jerks. Those are kind of weird. Midday jerks. Yeah. Like when you're off like 12 o'clock, well, you can't, but like 12 o'clock. Well, could,
00:15:39
Speaker
Yeah. But one of the days you're recording with me for most of the midday. That's true. You know i mean? I really only get Tuesdays all day to myself. So, I mean, i don't know if I recommend it. Like, to jerk off at, like, fucking 1 p.m. is kind of crazy.
00:15:53
Speaker
that's ah That's kind of strange, yeah. it's like you, like, open the curtain back up. It's like, yep, still fucking daytime. And I just came. Tits. right. Tits. Harry sees a harry seats to sign out to the diner that says magic.
00:16:07
Speaker
Whoa. And a subway train passes by and Dumbledore appears. So Harry goes over there.
00:16:17
Speaker
ah That was the best part to use that. I didn't fucking use it. I know. That's what I'm saying. Damn it. Whenever he appears, you're supposed to hit it. Fuck.
Recruiting Slughorn and School Life Humor
00:16:26
Speaker
um he tells Harry that he's been reckless and he's like take my arm and they do this thing called apparate apparating which essentially is like teleportation yeah ah and they apparate Budlay Bableton there go which a town and they enter a house that looks fucking abandoned little sketch they're looking for Horace
00:16:56
Speaker
And while they're searching the house, Harry sees a newspaper on the ground of himself that says he is the chosen one. um And there's blood dripping from the ceiling. And then they see some feet under a chair that transforms into Horace, who is like one of... ahead.
00:17:13
Speaker
Hi, Horace. Who is one of Dumbledore's colleagues. or i used to And he also used to be a professor at Hogwarts. um of course tells dumbledore that he's been the death ears have been trying to recruit him for over a year and he's been hiding out in this muggles home ah because they're out on vacation somewhere it's a bit of a disaster so dumbledore fixes his house with a spell charm he doesn't say just wo he just goes whoo whoo like he's kind of like taking his shirt off and swinging it around his head yeah
00:17:46
Speaker
ah And Harry's impressed, and it's literally a year six. like He literally looks like he's going to cum his pants. He's like, oh, oh. Like, bro, what are You fought Voldemort. What are you still surprised at?
00:18:00
Speaker
i don't know, dude. um Dumbledore's like, going to go use the loo. Goes to take a little turd. little piss? oh That's the sound that Dumbledore makes when he's constipated.
00:18:16
Speaker
um He makes the same sound when he's constipated and when he's coming. And again, as I've hit hit it at, you're right, actually, 100%. Dumbledore's gay. Yes, so was the first actor, R.I.P.
00:18:30
Speaker
ah One of the four cornerstones of a Harry Potter movie we get right here, Horace tells Harry how he's so much like his parents. Boom. And he has a shelf. He calls it the shelf.
00:18:41
Speaker
This is fucking weird, man. And it's pictures of his students. ah And we see in a picture Regulus Black, who is the brother of Sirius Black. What happened to Regulus? Did he say here? I missed it.
00:18:53
Speaker
No, he didn't say. Okay. We don't know what happened to Regulus Black. Regulus Black hit us up. um Dumbledore comes back. He grabs a magazine and he leaves. And Harry's about to ask him, like, what was that about? And then Horace chases outside and he's like, I'll do it.
00:19:09
Speaker
I'll do it. Give me so-and-so's office and i'll I'll teach at the school. And then he wants a raise. Also, yeah, who wouldn't? So Dumbledore says he basically used Harry to get Horace to return to Hogwarts.
00:19:24
Speaker
um And he says that Horace is probably going to try to collect Harry. Like, what kind of terms are we using here? Collect He's got pictures of kids on his dresser.
00:19:37
Speaker
What is happening? Where's Chris Hansen? Oh, you should have pulled that. The button where he's, I'm Chris Hansen. Sorry. we're um I mean, I don't know what I would have taken off to put it in, but I hear yeah Put it in post, Nick.
00:19:54
Speaker
I won't, but... ah They apparate, and I guess he just dropped Harry off at the Weasleys, because he's not there. Right. ah And Harry lands in a pond, and he sees Ginny through the window.
00:20:05
Speaker
Harry has the hard-on for Ginny. Like, it's 100% official. He... After Snape, so that he likes... ah He decided going to go for the whites instead.
00:20:20
Speaker
I'm going to go for them. The rare redhead. And honestly, as a fellow redhead, I don't blame you. You know, you ever seen ah ah an unattractive female redhead?
00:20:31
Speaker
Yeah. Didn't at one point have red hair? Died. Died doesn't count. like i she's If you're listening, you're ugly as fuck.
00:20:42
Speaker
We can bleep her name out. but yeah probably We probably should. um and ugly An actual ugly redhead. Natural redhead. No. It's horrible. They're all gorgeous. I might be the only ugly redhead.
00:20:53
Speaker
i agree. Like the ugly duckling. Yeah. o All right. Ginny, he sees Ginny and Ginny goes downstairs and sees that Hedwig and his, Harry's shit is already in their, their like living room.
00:21:08
Speaker
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah exactly. um i can smell Harry's shit. Did he take a dump? I would know if Harry Potter took a shit in my house.
00:21:20
Speaker
Can I use his shit to masturbate mom? And then Ron would be like, I would know if my best friend shit in my house.
00:21:28
Speaker
what Also, that scat play joke you just made was fucking wild. um That's disgusting. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, I know. yeah ah By the way, we were talking about at work yesterday, to got the two girls one cup video that I haven't seen.
00:21:46
Speaker
And they were getting Carlos, shout Carlos, and my one of my managers were arguing over if it was real or not. I was like, dude, it's definitely real. The manager was trying to say that they stuck some like chocolate up their ass and then shit it out, which I really, one, have not seen the video, but two, do not subscribe to that theory.
00:22:08
Speaker
Uh, no, because a lot comes out a lot and it does not look chocolatey. It looks, like download it doesn't, it looks like, you know, shit greenish a little bit, you know, like diarrhea.
00:22:22
Speaker
Very nice. Like they took them like, you know, Yeah. So there's a scene where Ginny calls up the from the bottom of the staircase saying Harry's here and Molly's like, Harry's in my house. And then Ron's like, my best friend's here.
00:22:35
Speaker
And then Hermione pops out and she's like, Harry's here. So what I wrote is Ron's fucking it. Hermione? Yeah. these are She's already there. are Yeah, in her pajamas too.
00:22:47
Speaker
And then like they all come downstairs to see Harry and and he's like, yeah, Dumbledore dropped me off. ah And while they're all staying there, Ron wipes something off Hermione's face. Oh, toothpaste. She had toothpaste on her face. Yeah, okay, sure. It's toothpaste. Whatever you want. It's fucking It's fucking jizz, dude.
00:23:04
Speaker
It's fucking clump. I wish I had the fucking cum button. I would put it right now. i don't have it. Cum... We cut to like Ron's room, I guess. And it's Ron, Hermione and Harry.
00:23:16
Speaker
And they're saying that Mrs. Weasley did not want them to go back to Hogwarts, but she eventually changed her mind. And Hermione shares been some doubts about Dumbledore because he's old, like 150.
00:23:28
Speaker
That's old. Yeah. How can you be that age? Magic. Ask Yoda. He died. he' He is dead now. Spoiler. Sorry if you've never seen fucking Star Wars.
00:23:41
Speaker
um But he's around for like so five movies, so don't worry. ah We cut to a voiceover. We hear Bellatrix Lestrange ah who is concerned about Voldemort's judgment on a person. We don't know who this person is yet, but it's pretty easy.
00:23:59
Speaker
It's pretty easy to figure out. um And Bellatrix and Narcissa Malfoy. We just found that out, guys. ah Spoiler. It's my second or third time watching that movie. I had no idea.
00:24:12
Speaker
ah Had no idea that she was Draco's mother. and had no idea she birthed Draco. I had no idea she was getting rinsed out by Lucius. Give her that fucking dick. Give her that slithering dick, dude. Come here.
00:24:26
Speaker
hu ah I'm coming. ah ah They go into this room ah to talk to Snape.
00:24:37
Speaker
And... ah
00:24:40
Speaker
Snape shares here that he's deceived Dumbledore, ah the greatest wizard of all time, as Snape calls him and says they're foolish if they doubt the mind of Dumbledore, his greatness.
00:24:54
Speaker
um So essentially, it looks like Snape is a ah villain. And Snape's been working undercover as a for for the Dark Lord. Right, but which we knew. We've known this.
00:25:05
Speaker
Well, yes. But this is the first time we're seeing him act out. There's been some conspiracy theories throughout the franchise of Snape. It's been it's basically just been Harry hating on Snape.
00:25:16
Speaker
Harry hating on Snape, yeah. That's what been. ah But in Prisoner of Azkaban, you find out that, like, is a Prisoner of Azkaban? No, Goblet Fire. That he was a Death Eater? That he was a Death Eater, yeah, but he was working undercover with Dumbledore.
00:25:30
Speaker
Yeah, because it was in that scene in the memory. Yeah. I think it's Goblet of Fire. Goblet of Fire. druch Yes, R.A.P. Actually, he's still alive. Senior's not. He's gone.
00:25:41
Speaker
So, essentially, Snape has to swear that he will watch over Draco and protect Draco and do the deed. They do not say what deed it is ah that Voldemort has chosen Draco to do if Draco is not able to do it.
00:26:02
Speaker
Can anybody guess what that is?
00:26:05
Speaker
Can you find the map?
00:26:09
Speaker
Fuck can you, Dora. Can you find the horcrux? I already made that joke once. I'm sorry. Can you find the clit? No, it doesn't it's not real. It's a fucking joke. Exactly.
00:26:21
Speaker
So, Snape and Narcissa, I believe, they, like, grab wrists like that, which you can't see because it's audio-only podcast. And Bellatrix waves her wand and um And essentially they make a... ah What is it called? It's like a... It's like a promise, but I forgot what the name is called. promise ring. um Yeah, so that's... It's like a bond
00:26:53
Speaker
Yeah. Unbreakable vow. There you go. That's the one. That's the game. We cut and we're in Diagon Alley and Fred and George have opened a snack shop and it's the only thing in business.
00:27:05
Speaker
Everybody's left. And they show Harry and Hermione Peruvian darkness powder and some love potions. And this is where the some girl in my notes comes in because I had no idea what fuck her name was. Her name is Lavender.
00:27:19
Speaker
And then they leave and see Ollivanders, which has been ruined. Um... I'll say it now, and obviously we're going to disagree on this, but it's just what it is. ah movie This is the worst-looking Harry Potter, and it's not my eyes. it's the The film was cooked. I closed all the curtains. It was pitch black, and I was like, this movie is not easy to make out. It's too dark.
00:27:44
Speaker
Thematically, I love how dark it is, but visually, it's too dark. can't make out shit. It looks fucking terrible. I saw everything. I can see your penis right now.
00:27:56
Speaker
Okay, well, if you can see it, am I hard or soft? Joke's on you. I'm between. Half chub. Yeah. Yep. You got it. You got the trick question right. ah You know me so well.
00:28:07
Speaker
Okay. Hey, yo, a little hair flip. little hair flip. ah They see Draco walk down a dark alley, and they follow him to a store called Borgen and Burke, um and they try to spy on him from a roof.
Draco's Secretive Actions and Death Eater Involvement
00:28:24
Speaker
How the fuck they get on this roof, by the way? um Who knows? like It's a good question. What are those things called? Pogo sticks? take Pogo stick.
00:28:35
Speaker
I think they pogo sticks to get up there. it's It's entirely possible. I mean, you'd have to get a real hard bounce off. You know i mean? Yeah. I mean, they are on concrete.
00:28:47
Speaker
Right. Concrete. I like you' have the power to push yourself up. That's true. Well, they just jumped.
00:28:56
Speaker
They're almost spotted by a Death Ear who closes the shade. We cut to the Hogwarts Express, and Harry's asking questions about Draco, and he thinks that Draco's been initiated as a Death Eater, and Ron and Hermione just don't think so.
00:29:15
Speaker
And then Harry says he he has to leave the cart to get some air, but he's just going to spy on Malfoy. And essentially what happens here is he uses this Peruvian powder to a hide on like the top where you'd put your luggage on the train above Draco to listen to him talk.
00:29:33
Speaker
Right. And he's wearing the invisibility cloak. Correct. And Draco hates Hogwarts, says it's waste of time and he won't be there next year. um We cut and they arrive at Hogwarts.
00:29:47
Speaker
And Draco stays on the train and he closes one blind, which closes all the blinds. Cause magic. Correct.
00:29:57
Speaker
So I get you off closing the blinds. I'm okay. do You have blinds. Fucking do. I'm in. Yeah. ah he Draco says he knows who's um Potter's on the train and he hits him with a Petrificus Totalus which I know in the last episode I definitely said wrong but my notes autocorrected is what it is would it autocorrect too whatever the fuck I said last episode, Polificus, I think something like that, no ah which causes Harry to like freeze.
00:30:29
Speaker
And he talks shit about his dead mom. And then he like essentially curb stomps him. That's fucked. Yeah. And he puts the invisibility cloak on him. So the train will just leave.
00:30:40
Speaker
you know, they won't see him on the train. But luckily he gets off. Draven gets off the train and Luna is wandering around wearing glasses. Look like three glasses. Yeah, he ah she has ah running for best glasses next to Art the Clown, but Art the Clown got her.
00:30:58
Speaker
That my question. they about Art the Clowns? They might. she She stole them from him. Give them back. ah And she uses, she sees Harry and she uses Finite, which freezes, freezes?
00:31:12
Speaker
Unfreezes. Harry. um They walk back to Hogwarts and Flitwick was looking for them and asked for their names. And Harry's like, you know the fuck I am. I'm the chosen one.
00:31:24
Speaker
He's like, doesn't matter, Potter. They have Aurors outside guarding Hogwarts. um They also see val Malfoy who's, they're giving him a hard time to get into the school. And we see Snape go, I'll vouch for Malfoy.
00:31:40
Speaker
Because they think he's like bringing in shit that he's not supposed to be. And Malfoy's like, nice face, Potter. And Luna is able to fix his face with Epski?
00:31:52
Speaker
I'm a kazoo. It sounds right to me. I mean, it did not. What kind did you run out of creative juice? JK Rowling. Epski.
00:32:03
Speaker
Yeah. Fucking. Epstein Island. Wow. That's where Hogwarts is. Hogwarts is on Epstein Island. That's why they brought back Horace. Oh my God. Kids. Uh, but basically Harry's nose was broke and it kind of snaps back into place and it sounds nasty. Homeboy curbed it.
00:32:21
Speaker
It went. Yeah. Uh,
00:32:26
Speaker
curbed it. We cut and we are we have reached our second cornerstone of a Harry Potter movie. We're at Dumbledore's warning announcements. um Ron is not worried whatsoever that Harry's not here at dinner, but Hermione is.
00:32:48
Speaker
And then he shows up. Harry shows up and Dumbledore says their new ah Potions master is one Horace slughorn pedophile.
00:32:58
Speaker
And finally, i mean, we're literally ah six move six movies in and he finally gets what he wants. Snape is promoted to Dada Professor. If you don't know what Dada is, I'm not telling you. so
00:33:15
Speaker
And Dumbledore announces that the students have been searched on their way in because of Tom Riddle, who at one point was just like them. And he goes, there are dark forces trying to penetrate these walls. I'm trying to penetrate a different wall.
00:33:29
Speaker
You know what saying? But I ain't got a dark fucking... Hit me up. All right. I got a small white force.
00:33:39
Speaker
A small white cock. A small white cock, not a big black force. You know what saying? Where's fucking Dean? Where's Dean Thomas is at? Oh, well, he was fucking Ginny like two episodes Honestly, dude.
00:33:52
Speaker
Honestly, like if Harry had to go in there after him, i mean, that shit must be a disaster. Oh, for sure. Like that's a watermelon sized hole right there.
00:34:03
Speaker
Why does it have to be watermelon? What else what else is a big ass fruit? A cantaloupe. A mango is even pretty big for a 17 or 18 year old.
00:34:16
Speaker
I was thinking like, you know, it's because it's long. Daikon radish? Not dyke. Daikon. Daikon radish? Okay. Yeah, it's a long white radish. Look it up. No.
00:34:27
Speaker
D-A-I-K-O-N. Looks like a long ass carrot. Yeah, but it's white. he's Dude, I feel like Dumbledore is definitely not clipped. I feel like he has the full hood intact.
00:34:39
Speaker
He definitely does. He probably has like anti-smegamis and then like, you know, cleans himself. But I bet circumcision pretty fucking easy there. Circumsordia fucking. Circumsordia, you see like a so piece pair of scissors just start floating.
00:34:55
Speaker
Oh my god. I hope it just vanishes. Or kind of like like Reducto where you're just like, fuck it, it just burns it off reducto that's gonna blow it up just that but like like reducto fucking topo i don't know i'm not very good at this reducto tippo broco all right yeah let us know what you think are you circumcised let us know i am circumcised me too so he ends the speech saying go to bed
00:35:25
Speaker
Yeah. Don't fucking tell her. He's just like, hey, go to bed. people are sure People are trying to kill us. It's probably a Voldemort. We're all fucked. Go to bed.
00:35:38
Speaker
ah We cut to Harry and Ron laughing at the first years, which is crazy because Harry is as dumb as a first year at this point. That's true. He's um and McGonagall tells Harry and Ron to spend their first period, at which they have free in potions class.
00:35:54
Speaker
Uh, something about having an outstanding on his OWA, which he didn't get, but Horace accepts newt students, any WT, um, they show up to potions class and, uh, there's only one textbook left. Cause they don't run in HP.
00:36:12
Speaker
Shout out printers. Harry don't have, uh, I always guess you. don't know why. um, <unk>tter ah um Ron and Harry Potter are arguing over the last textbook. And while that's going on, you hear the class talking about three potions that Horace has made.
00:36:32
Speaker
i just For Veritaserum, Polyjuice Potion, and Amorantia, which is a love potion. Do you think the book that Harry gets in this potion class was planted there?
00:36:45
Speaker
Yes. Okay. i think dumb I think Dumbledore planted it. You think Dumbledore planted it? Yeah, it has to be Dumbledore. Because at the end, I was like, thrust me.
00:36:57
Speaker
oh Thrust me? ah or No, no. No. there he Thrust me, thrust me. like yeah Like after he drinks that fucking poison, he's like, water, he's like, thrust me. You have to do everything I tell you no matter what.
00:37:16
Speaker
Thrust me. o
00:37:21
Speaker
Oh, man. Harry. oh my wand! Stroke it! we but Remember, because Dumbledore tells Harry that he wants him to get to know Slugworth.
00:37:35
Speaker
Slugworth? Slughorn? Slugworth is from... Something. Willy Wonka. Yeah. He wants him to know Slughorn, so getting to be good at potions... Will definitely help.
00:37:47
Speaker
So, okay, that's fair. It probably was was Dumbledore then. Um... So the, this love potion, you smell what you're attracted to.
00:37:59
Speaker
So it doesn't actually make love. You know what I mean Um, and Harry and Dumbledore didn't actually make love. No, that was, that was all a joke. Um, if you smelt something, what would you fall in love with?
00:38:13
Speaker
McDonald's Coke. It has no smell. i don't know why I said that. You'd be like, I gotta go like this. Alright, so you're gonna take the straw, right? Stick the straw up your penis and then happened dip the cup backwards and then it'll go through the straw into your shaft.
00:38:28
Speaker
Yeah, I wouldn't like that. No? No, I don't think that's... i mean Exit only? Smell would have to be like... Dude, this is pretty gay. A fresh baked cookie, dude, I'm rock solid.
00:38:41
Speaker
Yeah. You're to fuck the cookie? No. Fuck the batter? Okay. You think Hermione's fucking parchment paper and paper cuts in her pussy? Like, come on. Maybe. All right. Well, she'll freak-o.
00:38:53
Speaker
that Not really. I don't think she is. I think Luna is. Well, she probably fucks animals. so What are your smells? Hey, we do we do not support animal bestiality fucking animals.
00:39:08
Speaker
None of it. Okay. No, that's bad. Very bad. What? Oh, if I smelt something, what would I fall in love with? Man, that's a very good question. Probably meatloaf. My armpits. Oh, yeah.
00:39:20
Speaker
Meatloaf. It looks a good smell. You could fuck a meatloaf. Like, that's easy. Why i have to fuck it, though? If I'm in love with it, I'm going fuck He ain't fucking it. You right you smell this on the person, so i guess in I guess you're right.
00:39:35
Speaker
You smell the person? Everybody has a distinctive smell. You're attracted to the person because you smell things that you're attracted to, I guess, is what they were trying to say. Okay, so you can't be attracted to inanimate objects? what i'm No, i because Hermione is.
00:39:50
Speaker
but what i'm so What if I smell a kid? That's bad. didn't know was kid! but What if the first thing I smell is a kid? What does kids smell? This is crazy. What does kids smell? Poopy diaper? I don't know. you But to that end, what I'm saying is, I guess it would be kind of weird if you if a girl smelled like meatloaf. Let me see your fucking pussy, bro. You smell like cooked ground beef. Let's go.
00:40:25
Speaker
Your fumes are crazy. Hope I don't a fucking piece of celery in my cock hole. It's still fucking crazy to You fucking put celery in your meatloaf. I don't agree with that. What's wrong with that? That's a fucking.
00:40:39
Speaker
That's normal. Call in. Write in if you put celery in your meatloaf. Onion and celery. normal. Celery is not. What about bell peppers? In meatloaf? I've had it. That's crazy.
00:40:51
Speaker
I mean, um I bet it's not terrible. That's kind of crazy to me. Um, all right. So your smell would be meatloaf. Any of you girls out there want to rub yourself and fucking be fat.
00:41:03
Speaker
I'm coming for you. for you
00:41:07
Speaker
The last potion we're like five minutes in this movie, uh, Felix, uh, Felicis. I don't know. He has a fucking accent. Uh, it's liquid luck.
00:41:19
Speaker
And, uh, He offers liquid. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of liquid cucking going on in this movie. thought And Horace offers the liquid luck violet. He has to a student who can brew a living death drought or draft, whatever he calls it.
00:41:36
Speaker
And he says only one student has ever been able to do so. ooh Mystery. wonder who it is. ah Harry opens his textbook and it says property of the half blood prince.
00:41:48
Speaker
Who the fuck did that? And it has notes all over it. This dude's trying to cut some jawn. None of them can cut it Cut the jawn. It's like a some kind of bug.
00:42:00
Speaker
Looks like a walnut, I'll be honest. A walnut. A black walnut? a chestnut. Sorry. Wrong nut. A chestnut? It's a black circle. It bounces all over the plate looks like a chestnut. It looks like a fucking leech me. I'm telling you, the visuals suck.
00:42:15
Speaker
Alright.
00:42:18
Speaker
Your eyes are cooked. Fair enough.
00:42:22
Speaker
ah And then, like, the potion requires 12... Can I say that? but well Well, the rest... It requires 12 beans, not 13... And the book says put 13...
00:42:36
Speaker
ah it requires twelve beans not thirty and the books has put teen and Harry becomes the second student ever to be able to produce the living death potion.
00:42:48
Speaker
And he gets the vial of ah liquid luck. We cut to Dumbledore looking at the diary of Tom Rowe, which had been obviously stabbed. um And there's a knock at his door.
00:42:59
Speaker
And it's Harry. And it says Slughorn's very impressed with Harry. Dumbledore says that. And Harry's like, he's overesting me overestimating me a little bit.
00:43:12
Speaker
Which is true. And then Dumbledore wants to know, he's like, are you fucking Hermione or what? What's going on there? Yeah, I mean, it's not like, because Dumbledore is like, you know, if you're not fucking her. Hey, great.
00:43:26
Speaker
oh ah thank but ah You know, but I'm just trying to get up in there. Yeah, I mean, i don't blame him. He's i got that dog in him.
00:43:37
Speaker
So ah Dumbledore shows Harry a... Right. They didn't fuck yet. Well, right. He shows him a case containing a bunch of Tom Riddle's memories.
00:43:52
Speaker
And he wants him to look at the memory. It's the first time he met Tom. And they pour the memory in that John. um And Tom, the memory takes place in an orphanage because Tom's an orphan.
00:44:05
Speaker
And they're like, how we make... Dumbledore look younger. Let's just cut his hair shorter, but it's all still gray. it I mean, yeah he's 150. So by then he was probably a hundred at least ah when that happened. And essentially the conversation is Dumbledore recruiting Tom to go to Hogwarts.
00:44:22
Speaker
ah Tom thinks he's a fucking doctor and he proves that he's magical by lighting. He being Dumbledore proves that he's magical by lighting Tom's wardrobe on fire.
00:44:33
Speaker
I'm not just a doctor. I'm a doctor of thugonomics. Word life. This basic thugonomics. Shout out. Shout out John Cena. ah And inside the wardrobe is something that Tom stole.
00:44:49
Speaker
Don't know what it is. Can't really see it. I think it was the... It was something. I couldn't see it either. Are you fucking with me or being serious? cause I actually couldn't see it. I'm dead ass. I didn't see I think that... ah I think there was a...
00:45:04
Speaker
a necklace in there. Oh, oh, is it done? Maybe the fucking necklace. All right. Dumbledore is about to leave and Tom's like, I can talk to snakes, buddy.
00:45:16
Speaker
And that's, that's called the end of the memory. Dumbledore shared that. And then Dumbledore's fucking peace just wiggles out of his pants. And then Tom hits it with an engorgio because he can take more. Okay. Dumbledore shares that Tom grew close to Horace.
00:45:35
Speaker
um and now horror That's not good. We know how Horace is. Horace has something Dumbledore fucking wants and it's not that cock. But he's like, let... I had Tom Riddle come in my asshole!
00:45:53
Speaker
ah
00:45:56
Speaker
ah Horace, what did you do? What did you do with Tom Rill that night? Remember he's just him fucking? He's like, all right, you want to see it? I'm a top, okay?
00:46:12
Speaker
Riddle me this. I'm a top. Tom fucked me.
00:46:19
Speaker
Double door, Tom fucked me. I can't take any more of this. The whole time when they figure out like what Horace has been hiding, it's, I fuck kids, all right?
00:46:34
Speaker
i fuck kids. That's why I was kicked out of fucking Hogwarts, all right? I fuck kids. but yeah He's all looking up at Hagrid's table and he's like, you know who's got real juicy pussy? Oh, yeah.
00:46:48
Speaker
Oh, yeah. a he's like He's like that Ginny Weasley girl. What's going on? What's going on, dude? Better flaps yourself fucking perfect.
00:47:04
Speaker
I'm crying.
00:47:09
Speaker
ah ah
00:47:15
Speaker
oh i'm i'm crying I hope my neighbors think I'm not doing anything illicit here. I yelled, I fuck kids, all right? We're on a list. Guys, it's all jokes, okay?
00:47:29
Speaker
It's all jokes. Pettifilia is not okay, but if you watch this movie, it's very obvious Horace is not normal. No. We're just speculating. It's all special. J.K. Rowling made the book, guys. Okay? fuck her She's fucked up. Yeah. And then go after Daniel Yates, or the fuck his name is. David Gates.
00:47:46
Speaker
Kevin Gates. Money long, my sack longer. oh um were Where the fuck are Double doors tell Harry to let Horace take him.
00:48:00
Speaker
Right.
00:48:04
Speaker
Yeah, my motionary.
00:48:11
Speaker
um Dude, he's... Just bend over and take care hey Harry. Harry, you gotta just take one for the team, dude. This is the only way to stop Voldemort.
00:48:29
Speaker
We can't do it. Voldemort's allergic to gays. Come on, Harry. Dude, if you're a gay, Voldemort can't see you. He can't find you. Voldemort won't enter your mind if you're getting ass fucked.
00:48:47
Speaker
He's like, this is too much. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. um um wow There's a cut and the Death Theaters are trying to trying to enter Hogwarts. They just bounce off ah off a shield.
00:49:04
Speaker
Um, we cut to Draco who's walking around the castle and, uh, has found another room of requirement or it appeared upstairs for him. Not in the same area where it was before because Umbridge blew a fucking hole in it.
00:49:19
Speaker
True. Uh, and he finds a ah wardrobe. I believe they call it the vanishing cabinet. We find out that it is called the vanishing cabinet later on in the film.
00:49:32
Speaker
And it cuts to Quidditch tryouts that I guess Ginny and Harry are captains all of a sudden. And Ron's trying out and a random du team, Cormac, asked him, asked Ron to introduce himself to Hermione because she got a nice little fucking bang on her.
00:49:56
Speaker
She's got a bang her. know what mean? Not a nice piece, like a fucking... She's kind of flat. Yeah, Hermione's flat age, guys. Relax.
00:50:07
Speaker
We waited six movies for this. She's got little speed bumps. Maybe a little maybe a little ass, but that's about it. She's got a nice face, though. want to get up in that turd cutter. I don't. No. ah So they have tryouts, and Ron and Cormac are essentially going out for the same position of like goalie.
00:50:28
Speaker
um It's a keeper. Yeah, and Ron almost falls off his broom.
00:50:34
Speaker
And Cormac is doing well, and Hermione hits Cormac with a confundus. um a ka ze Which causes him to miss. Not conilingus. Conilingus is sex.
00:50:48
Speaker
Yes, it is. i've had sex before. ah want Ron is doing pretty good. And that random girl Lavender is cheering him on.
00:51:01
Speaker
ah We cut to the dorms and ron tells Hermione that Cormac's got a thing for her. But she finds him vile. And Ron gets some more side eyes from Lavender.
00:51:13
Speaker
ah h HP. Again, shout out printers. ah Harry's reading a textbook. ah The one for that he got in his potions class. The property of the half-blood prince.
00:51:24
Speaker
And he asks Hermione if she's familiar with this spell. Sectumsempra. ah Which Hermione has not heard of. And she's like, you really got to return that. And Ron's like, no fucking shot, dude. This kid's cooking in class right now. He's going collected. His little booty's going collected.
00:51:42
Speaker
Horace is going to fucking fuck his ass. Fuck his ass. He's
00:51:51
Speaker
going to fuck him so hard he's going be part of the hemorrhoid homies. Going to the hemorrhoid hoedown. going touch him. He's gonna have half blood, half cum. We can have his butt.
00:52:08
Speaker
ah for Property of the half cum prince. Dude, you think that's our tramp stamp?
00:52:16
Speaker
Tramp stamp? Property of the half cum prince. I hope this is a half cum prince. Sigh.
00:52:24
Speaker
Hermione wants to know whose book it is, and Harry won't give it to her. So Ginny snatches that shit, and she's like, who's the Half-Blood Prince? Harry. And he wont he doesn't know, so he can't tell him.
00:52:36
Speaker
ah We cut to Hermione, who says he's obsessed with that book, but has no interest who it belongs to, which is odd. And that she could not find any reference of it in the library.
00:52:47
Speaker
um They go to a pub where Draco's there and Slughorn, as well as Ginny with Dean. Dean Thomas is getting ready. Ron sees Dean and Ginny. They call it Snugging. He's like, let's get the fuck out here.
00:53:07
Speaker
But Harry's like, nah, we got to stay. trying chat up Slughorn. And Slughorn walks over and spills his fucking beer all over Hermione. Piece of shit. Want to see his slug slime? Dude.
00:53:21
Speaker
Dude, and he asked he asked Harry and Hermione to come over to his dinner party for fucking students. Like, for fucking students? Yeah! yeah Yes, for fucking students.
00:53:32
Speaker
He's having an orgy with students. You're my top student, so you're going to now give me top. Okay. I'm with it. right Well, he is too. So...
00:53:44
Speaker
ah He calls Ron Hallenby. you to call him Weasley or Rollenby? Something like that. He can't say his name, which is funny. He's a fucking idiot. We cut and they're they're walking back um and there's a girl outside who is literally getting possessed by a demon. This is Katie Bell.
00:54:01
Speaker
going ah Yeah, she's getting fucked up. um And then eventually she gets slammed to the ground and Hagrid shows up and he's like, get the fuck away from her. And there's this necklace on the ground that her friend, who I believe is Parkinson's, told her not to touch it. What?
00:54:17
Speaker
That's her name. i that's That's her name, but it's twenty funny. What are you doing, JK Rowling? Let us know.
00:54:25
Speaker
um We cut and we're in the like nursing hall. And her friend says that Katie left to go to the bathroom and she came back with a package for Dumbledore.
00:54:38
Speaker
Hey, yo! A nice little piece. It's the necklace that she touched that cursed her. So the plan was to get that to Dumbledore, but it didn't work. ah Harry and Hermione are in McGonagall's office and she's asking why they're always involved all bullshit. Maybe if you fucking took care of it yourself, lady.
00:55:00
Speaker
Like there's bad shit happening and none of the adults are doing anything. Snape's making move behind the scenes. Well, he's the only one doing anything. I mean, Dumbledore probably is too, right? Probably. we I mean, Dumbledore kind of fucked up, but we'll get to that.
00:55:14
Speaker
ah Sever shows up and and looks at the necklace, and Harry says that Malfoy cursed it, but he had and Snape's like, do you have any evidence?
00:55:25
Speaker
And he's like, no. you Do you have any bro? um We cut to the dormitories where Ron and Harry about to go night night. um And Harry's looking at the Marauders map tracking Malfoy.
00:55:41
Speaker
And ah Ron is just laying in bed wondering what Dean sees in Ginny. And Harry's like, um that fucking juicy ass. You really don't got no ass either, bro. though she does Why do all the bitches in Hogwarts be flat as shit?
00:55:56
Speaker
ah Do you think there's a spell that Dumbledore is running? Like, whenever females start at Hogwarts, immediately their breasts and their butts get smaller. So they all look like boys for Horace. Oh my god, this is a big theory. This is conspiracy I just uncovered.
00:56:14
Speaker
i like little boys. Or women that look like boys are close enough. That's like basically... I like dykes. Yeah. Harry says she's got nice skin. And Ron... Hey, yo, Harry, what do you mean that? And Ron's like, well, Hermione's got nice skin.
00:56:30
Speaker
And Harry's like, never thought i thought about it like that. want to wear her skin. Like, fuck me. There you go. ah Get that reference. Let us know in the comments. You should.
00:56:41
Speaker
It's not very hard. ah Harry goes to bed. We cut to the dinner party. We're there now. And they're going on the table with these random fucking students asking what their parents do. We get to Hermione. And again, it autocorrects to heroin.
00:56:54
Speaker
ah her Her parents are dentists. That's how she can afford the heroin. don't know what that means. And she goes, they tend to teeth. I'm trying to tend to that. a All right.
00:57:07
Speaker
Do you think they have like teeth as fixes? Probably not. Not like muggles. Root canalis. Sure. That probably sucks.
00:57:16
Speaker
Um, Ginny shows up to the dinner party late and Hermione crying, right? Hermione whispers to, I think it's Harry. Uh, they've been fighting. Harry just awkwardly stands up, but she enters like she's the fucking queen or something. I don't know.
00:57:29
Speaker
It fucking weird, man. Um, they all, everybody leaves. Harry stays behind. and He's looking at this hourglass, which Horace says, ah it runs faster or slower depending on how interesting the conversation is.
00:57:42
Speaker
um, And he says none of the students at the dinner party would make the shelf, but Harry could, which is crazy. And he asked if I like you.
00:57:54
Speaker
And he asked if Tom Brittle would have made the shelf what he was like. And Horace is taken back by the question um and ends up just saying he was brilliant when he first met him. But there was a monster buried buried deep within if it was there at all.
00:58:09
Speaker
ah And we cut next to the dining hall. Riddle wouldn't leave the shelf, but instead of me fucking him. He fucked me. He fucked me. You want to know why he he has no nose, Harry? Okay.
00:58:24
Speaker
I fucked the snot out of him.
00:58:30
Speaker
Me and Dumbledore. We double teamed his nostrils. Double doored him. Double doored him. Every, every orifice was fucking blocked.
00:58:44
Speaker
ah Fingers, cocks, wands, you name it. He got... He got plugged.
00:59:00
Speaker
You ever see someone get their fucking eye socket fucked? ah You think your dick can't fit into an ear. Until you try. ah if you force it hard enough.
00:59:14
Speaker
We cut to the dining hall before ah Ron's first Quidditch match. And he asked Ron and Hermione or he asked Harry and Hermione about the dinner party. And Hermione says was quite boring, ah but they were invited to a Christmas party.
00:59:27
Speaker
And Ron is like taken back like he wasn't invited. And she's like, well, I was going to ask you to go. They're having some issues. A random girl again. Lavender says hi to Ron.
00:59:40
Speaker
And Ron says after his first Quidditch match, he's done. He's not playing anymore. ah And Harry passes him a juice that Luna says Harry poured something into.
00:59:52
Speaker
um And Hermione puts you that he put the liquid luck in his juice and he can get expelled for that. What do you think? What kind of potions do you think Horace was slipping into his students drinks to fucking destroy him?
01:00:07
Speaker
He's roofing him. Dude, he could he could probably fuck him and then like do some kind of repair potion like where there's no opinion. You wake up next morning and you have no idea you even got fucked. You think so?
01:00:19
Speaker
two I mean, did you see what Snape did to Draco in this movie? you couldry If you fuck a virgin butthole, you could probably fix it up pretty quickly. Yeah.
01:00:31
Speaker
Okay. Probably. i don't know what to say to that. I'm sorry.
01:00:37
Speaker
All I'm saying is Horace could fuck kids and get away with it. A lot of people do, yeah.
01:00:45
Speaker
ah We're at the game. Ron does very well. ah And at the after party, he's cheering. And we hear that Harry never put anything in his drink. It was just... What's that word called? Good old fashioned.
01:01:00
Speaker
When you get the fake pill effect. A placebo. Placebo effect, thanks. knew it was pee. All I have is Patronum in my in my my head. He also knows that ah Hermione used the Confundus charm on Cormac. um a ka ze We then see Ron and Lavender start making out.
01:01:20
Speaker
She like jumps on him. yeah And Hermione feels some type of way about that. So she runs out and she's upset, crying. And she tells Harry follows her and he finds her. She's like I was just working on my charms.
01:01:33
Speaker
Um, and she, which is obviously bullshit. And then, uh, she asked Harry how he feels when he sees Dean with Ginny. Uh, cause she knows that Harry's trying to fuck it.
01:01:44
Speaker
Um, he's like, I see the way you look at her. Uh, Ron and Lavender come out giggling. was an awkward, co like interaction. And then Hermione six, some, some birds on him using pongo.
01:01:58
Speaker
These birds like fucking attack Ron. And Harry says, it feels just like that. ah We cut to Ron walking with Harry. And he says, well, he's got going on with Lavender is real, man.
01:02:11
Speaker
And Hermione, you know, ah
01:02:15
Speaker
acts like she isn't butthurt, but she really is. um She's trying to get her butthurt, you know what I'm saying? Hey, you! And she tells Harry that Ramilda Vane is trying to smuggle a love potion into his shit. So he falls in love with her because he's the chosen one.
01:02:35
Speaker
But he is the chosen one. Yeah. And Harry decides to bring Luna Lovegood. That's a good one. ah We cut to Draco, who's snooping around in the requirement again. He puts an apple through the ah vanishing cabinet using Harmonia Nectare Passus.
01:02:56
Speaker
Passus? He whispers it. It's kind of like... Like, it's kind of hard to... You know. yeah The apple returns from the vanishing cabinet with a bite in it. And we cut to Slughorn's party.
01:03:08
Speaker
And Harry sees Neville who is a he's like passing hors d'oeuvres. Hermione brought Cormac, but she's trying to avoid him because he's fucking crazy. And he's like, she's trying to hit.
01:03:20
Speaker
Shocker. They get offered dragon tartare, which ah Harry tells Cormac is dragon balls. And Cormac throws up all over.
01:03:31
Speaker
One Professor Snape. um And Snape's only there to tell Harry that Dumbledore said he's traveling. So, good luck.
01:03:44
Speaker
Yeah, your your fucking savior isn't here anymore, bitch. It's just me. And I'm trying to fuck you. Yep.
01:03:54
Speaker
ah Phil shows up and he found Draco snooping. And Snape's like, I'll squirm out. Don't worry about it. ah harry Harry follows out Snape and Draco where Snape tells Draco that he swore to protect him and Draco don't want no fucking help.
01:04:11
Speaker
don't need no help. And Draco's like, yeah, maybe I hexed that girl. What of it?
01:04:17
Speaker
Snape's like, look, I know you're a scared little bitch. Let me help you. ah But Draco refuses. And again, they show your other cornerstone. Harry listening to gossip. Of course. Now, he's is he good is going to spread that gossip?
01:04:30
Speaker
Right. Willie? I don't know. Willie? I don't know. Very next scene, he is talking to Ron and Hermione on the train about the unbreakable vow. Or just to Ron, sorry.
01:04:42
Speaker
And then Lavender shows shows up and, like, fombs their window and draws a heart in the window and leaves. And Ron is like, my lips are chapped. been fucking smooching her. I've been snogging her so long.
01:04:53
Speaker
Yeah. You ever snogged so long that your lips get chapped? Nope. Not even once. Too much kissing is like obnoxious. Yeah, I agree.
01:05:05
Speaker
ah Just fuck me. Just hold my hand or something, you know? Yeah. um Hermione walks over and she sees the heart and she's like, no, I'm out.
01:05:17
Speaker
um We also find out here that if you break an unbreakable vow, you die. So Snape has no way out of this besides death. Uh, and we cut to Harry was telling Lupin and Arthur,
01:05:32
Speaker
um well, he's just talking to them and they're saying people are disappearing every day. And this is a weak spot. I feel like of the entirety of the, like once Voldemort comes to power, the, the, the idea that people are vanishing and that Voldemort's building his army and like snatching people that would be of aid, like on Harry Potter side is not really shown at all.
01:05:55
Speaker
No, they need, yeah they should have gone into that. I would have really liked to see like Voldemort's recruitment. Yeah. A lot more. Just like see Voldemort at all. feel like. I just want to see Voldemort kill people. Yeah.
01:06:05
Speaker
I mean, that's what it's all about. Oh, murder. Uh, that button might just make it onto the regular feed episodes. You think so? I don't know. i feel like we could use it a lot of different ways.
01:06:18
Speaker
Anytime someone comes. Oh, yeah. Which we don't have any episode about coming yet, but. Yet. Get ready. right Oh, I know you're referring to now. Um... Ginny walks into this room they're in, and they leave Ginny and Harry together with cookies, and she literally feeds it to Harry.
01:06:38
Speaker
She's trying to get fucked, dude. She's trying to get... Dude, she gives Harry that cookie so you can wash down with some milk. She wants to milk Harry. You know what I'm saying? She just wants to get throat fucked.
01:06:49
Speaker
Just plow my fucking throat, Harry!
01:06:55
Speaker
Christ. Coat my throat with your fucking man juice. have a sore throat. Give me your special lozenge. This is an issue. What is
01:07:08
Speaker
asho She wants to get fucked. yeah She's horny, dude. She's a horny bitch. She's like... like
01:07:18
Speaker
That's the sound of her pussy right now. Hey. Alright. What? Yeah, it is. She's fucking oozing. She's fucking it. um Then Ron shows up and sits right in between them with more food.
01:07:31
Speaker
What fucking cock tease. He's getting cock. He's cucking his sister. He's cock blocking it, dude. ah We cut to Arthur and Harry.
01:07:43
Speaker
And Arthur's like, yeah, it's been hard on us. ah The miniature doesn't know that Dumbledore is traveling. ah And Arthur thinks that Draco is looking for the vanishing cabinet. But they're a little temperamental.
01:07:55
Speaker
And he shares here. There's one at Borgin and Burks. So you, the viewer, know now, oh there's two vanishing cabinets.
01:08:06
Speaker
Hence what a vanishing cabinet would be. Because there's one at Borgen and Berks there's one at Hogwarts. Not me. My hog has a wart. Hey, you might want to get that taken care of. i don't actually have a wart my hog.
01:08:18
Speaker
No bitches want to fuck your hog. Although my sack is so big, if it had a wart on it, it would probably take me three days to find it. You ever get a rash on your nuts? No.
01:08:30
Speaker
No. But I have had one on the actual meat. Out for delivery. Expected delivery by 9 p.m. My blue chew. W. Let us know. I'll let you know how hard it makes my cock.
01:08:42
Speaker
ah There's someone outside. They're at the Weasley's house, I just realized this whole time. Sorry. They are at the Weasley's house. ah And someone is outside watching. It's it's like Black Christmas-esque.
01:08:53
Speaker
ah And they go outside. Remus is a little suspect. Ginny is about go to bed. And she goes, going to bed, Harry. And he's like, yeah.
01:09:05
Speaker
Oh, your shoes untied. What happened?
01:09:13
Speaker
Yes. don't know.
01:09:19
Speaker
ah What? Say it. okay Say it.
01:09:27
Speaker
Say it. Oh, Harry.
01:09:33
Speaker
Your cock is all dry. That's what you're laughing about? Your cock is dry? What if I... No, just because she's already down there tying her shoes.
01:09:46
Speaker
Right. What if I just... but
01:09:52
Speaker
Oh, Harry. Oh, Harry. What if I...
01:10:04
Speaker
oh
01:10:09
Speaker
oh harry ah harry
01:10:17
Speaker
and what
01:10:23
Speaker
ah
01:10:26
Speaker
Okay. Would you like me to caress your balls while I stick a finger in your bopper?
01:10:33
Speaker
ah Oh, boy.
01:10:37
Speaker
Damn. Okay. It's just funny to me that that she's like, I'm about to go down and tie your shoes. just On the way back up, just give him that fucking slop.
01:10:55
Speaker
I think she uses tongue. She better. a dirty bitch. which when she sucking cock What are you talking about? I don't know. I hope so. not No teeth, please.
01:11:09
Speaker
You know? oh god That was my fucking. All right. ah Ginny goes to tie Harry's shoes. was where I was at. She doesn't suck his cock.
01:11:21
Speaker
ah Unfortunate. I'm sorry, but they have a weird almost kiss. And Bellatrix Lestrange shows up outside and sets up a ring of fire around the building. And Harry is fucking idiot.
01:11:34
Speaker
Immediately chases after her. Every time you chase after this bitch, it's a trap. Right. Well, he's mad because, you know, she killed Sirius in the last movie. Yeah, but that was, like you said, like three years ago.
01:11:45
Speaker
Or whatever whatever time it's been. ah Three months? Yeah, sorry. So, Ginny, fucking idiot, chases after Harry. In a robe.
01:11:56
Speaker
Hot. ah And Ginny runs into a Death Eater, but Harry shows up just in the nick of time, and... Um... um Harry and Ginny are surrounded by Death Eaters.
01:12:12
Speaker
ah But Arthur, Lupin, and the rest of the crew that are there show up um to to help defend them, leaving the house unguarded, which we watched the Death Eaters burn this fucking house all the way down.
01:12:25
Speaker
That's sad. Shout out Los Angeles. Oh my god! I mean, luckily this comes out four months after that's happened, so that's a fucking...
01:12:38
Speaker
ah comedy that's fucking jesus christ yeah oh that's where you draw the line not fucking kids no they're of age oh okay i mean no i okay you're right you're right you're right what's worse fires or fucking kids i would argue fucking kids 100 uh ah We cut back to Hogwarts and Hermione's pissed um about everything going on. And they walk up to Ron and his girlfriend Hermione leaves.
Harry's Memories and Slughorn's Secrets
01:13:11
Speaker
ah We cut to Harry Potter looking at more Tom's memories because Dumbledore's not even there. um And it's taught he cuts into one...
01:13:23
Speaker
of ah Tom talking to Slughorn and he brought Horace pineapple and he's like, how'd you know my favorite fruit was pineapple? And also, you know, that if you leave a pineapple out, means you're a swinger.
01:13:37
Speaker
Upside down. Really? Yes. Look it up. Also, if you eat pineapple, your cum is sweeter. I think that's a myth. Is it? I've been tasting my cum for weeks. i haven't tasted it. Um...
01:13:51
Speaker
um
01:13:54
Speaker
He sends us the the class to bed because he's having one of these fucking weird Epstein dinner parties. And ah we're still in the memory. And Tom stays behind. And he's like, I was reading about a rare bit of magic in the restricted section.
01:14:09
Speaker
ah And he goes to ask about it. And it's like bleeped out, essentially. And Harry pulls out of memory and Dumbledore is standing right there.
01:14:21
Speaker
Rather odd. ah And Dumbledore said that. ah oh That's what he said. Fucking late.
01:14:33
Speaker
Dumbledore said that Slughorn tampered with his own memory to hide the truth. And Dumbledore is using Harry to cut for to find out the truth about this memory. We cut to Harry visiting Slughorn.
01:14:47
Speaker
And he says the exact same lines that Tom said. And it's like. He doesn't catch on. But how fucking stupid are you, Harry? And Harry asks if there's any magic they can't teach about.
01:15:01
Speaker
ah And Slughorn's like, go ask Snape. now I don't really get along with him. ah And Harry goes, is that what you said to Tom?
01:15:13
Speaker
he goes, Dumbledore, pull you up to this. And to think I was going to fuck you.
01:15:21
Speaker
We cut to Ron, who's sitting in his bed staring at the moon. ah And he ate the snacks off Harry's bed that were given to him by none other than Ramil Devane. So there is a a love potion in there, Harry. have veiny pussy.
01:15:38
Speaker
Vainty cock was right there, but yeah. Sorry. Uh, Harry is not putting it or that he's been fucking laced with love potion. Um, he brings Ron to Horace because of the love potion and he calls him Wendy, which is now an NBA player.
01:15:55
Speaker
That's true. Um, Wendy, Horace makes a concoction, right? That gets rid the love potion. Yes. And he says, you're down. We got to bring you back up. Then they give him the wine.
01:16:06
Speaker
Right. Which is the poison for Cusco. Right. The poison to kill Cusco. Cusco's poison. Cusco's poison. Which then causes ron to start seizing.
01:16:21
Speaker
um And don't know what Harry did to ah fix it, but he stuck something in Ron's mouth. Oh, it was the bizarre. Bizarre. Bizarre?
01:16:33
Speaker
know. pretty bizarre of you. We cut to the hospital where Dumbledore says, ah yeah good thinking on your end too is a bizarre. Whatever. um McGonagall's also there and they figure out, Dumbledore just sniffs it and goes, yeah there's poison in here. Horace, you should know because you've been poisoning kids all this time.
01:16:52
Speaker
Yeah. That's not true. I made that up. And Horace is like, oh, it was actually a gift for you. uh and lavender shows up and she's like get away from him you know because it's hers
Love Potions and Sectumsempra Incident
01:17:04
Speaker
it's like i'm his best friend that's her meat you know yeah they get into an argument and then ron's first words are hermione it's pretty accurate uh we then cut to draco snooping around harry's following him and he's we see draco put uh
01:17:24
Speaker
a bird in the vanishing cabinet, and it appears that Borgen and Burke then comes back and dead to Draco. Draco is then crying at the sink because he's little bitch, as I already said.
01:17:37
Speaker
Now we're at the dining hall, and there's weird eye contact between Ron and Lavender because Ron has no idea what happened. Hermione tells him, oh, you know, you guys had a short conversation, and Ron's like, well, i remember one thing, but I was boggled.
01:17:51
Speaker
And she goes, yeah, you were boggled. They fucked. They did not fuck. Come on. Well, he's unconscious. He's like, I'm a little misty on the detail, but I was boggled. Boggled is not out.
01:18:03
Speaker
Boggled is like I was dazed and confused. That's a movie. I've seen it. It's not that good. ah Richard Linklater. Sorry. Huh? Matthew McConaughey.
01:18:14
Speaker
Oh, okay. Dazed and confused. That's where you are. All right, all right. That's what that's from? Cool. Yeah. So if if if if Ron and Hermione fucked, can he still get it up?
01:18:24
Speaker
He popped her cherry. What? Can he still get what up? His cock? Yeah. Why not? If he's dazed? I mean, I've never had a problem with drinking not being able to get a hard dick. I personally have been able to get hard whenever I so choose.
01:18:40
Speaker
While drinking? I'm hard right now. Yeah. No. I'm talking about my personal experience. Yeah. I can't get hard drunk. Fair enough.
01:18:51
Speaker
I mean, I don't drink as heavy as other people cause I'm a lightweight, but I don't drink much anymore, but I think they were fucking dude. That's my opinion. Well, he didn't pop her cherry. Victor Crumb popped her cherry and got what a fire tore that shit up, dude.
01:19:07
Speaker
He was like destroyed it. Yeah. Um,
01:19:13
Speaker
We see Harry looking at the proper half blood princes fucking textbook. And it says that sectum sempra is for enemies. Katie Bell enters the dining hall and Harry approaches her and she has no idea who cursed her.
01:19:28
Speaker
And as they're talking, Draco walks in all suspect, immediately turns around and leaves.
01:19:35
Speaker
And Harry follows him and we follow Draco up into the bathroom and he's just crying. And Harry walks in. Immediately, they just start throwing spells at each other. And this is what I was talking in the last episode. They don't talk. They don't say anything. They just don't say anything. They just fucking start fighting.
01:19:50
Speaker
And it ends with Harry hitting Malfoy with a Septim Sempra, which causes Draco to literally like start bleeding out of his fucking chest. So I had to Google it, right?
01:20:02
Speaker
What'd you Google? Septim Sempra, like what it does. Mm-hmm. And it says, was an incantation invented by Half-Blood Prince.
01:20:15
Speaker
Snape. s Snape. That lacerated the target and caused severe bleeding. Snape magically shows up and they have a weird staring contest to him and Harry and then Harry just runs off.
01:20:28
Speaker
ah And then Snape is able to heal Draco with Valnera, Senata, and he just does that over and over again. I never hit the Alakazam button. Alakazam. Here you go. Thank you.
01:20:39
Speaker
You're welcome. ah We cut to Harry ah in the dorm with his friends. and I'm guessing this scene, he had just told him what happened.
01:20:50
Speaker
And Ginny tells Harry get rid of the book. And we cut and Ginny and Harry go into the room requirement where Ginny says they have to hide it in where no one can find it.
01:21:03
Speaker
Including Harry. So she goes to hide it. ah And she tells Harry to close his eyes. And this is another point where she could be giving him some fucking straight sloppy top.
01:21:16
Speaker
ah But she just gives him a kiss. I think it's assumed she hides the book. Book. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they're like officially a couple.
01:21:27
Speaker
Maybe. ah
Liquid Luck and Emotional Revelations
01:21:30
Speaker
Because this is funny. i actually found this part funny. Harry's walking and Ron's like, did you and Jay do it then? And Harry's like, what?
01:21:37
Speaker
What? He's like, hide the hide the book. He's like, oh, oh, ah yeah, yeah. No, I fucked her. In the room of requirement, I fucked her. Yeah, fucking dicked your sister down, dude. I dicked her down.
01:21:48
Speaker
Rinsed her out. um And they run into Horace, who very awkwardly turns or what and walks away. And Ron's like, oh, no luck with Horace then. And then Harry's like, ah light bulb, liquid luck.
01:22:01
Speaker
um So he takes liquid luck and he decides he's got a good feeling about going to see Hagrid. I got a really good feeling, you know? um And we cut to Slughorn, who's trying to break into a greenhouse and take some tentacula leaves.
01:22:19
Speaker
And Harry just kind of shows up and scares him. um And he says he's going to see he's like, I'm going down to Hagrid's. going down near the Hirets. ah Because Harry this entire time when he takes the liquid luck, he's like it's like he's like high or something.
01:22:36
Speaker
He's like super happy. Slughorn says that Harry shouldn't past nightfall and Harry's like, yeah, so come with me. So come with me, Professor. We go on down there to Haggard's.
01:22:51
Speaker
Anybody want some haggis? Get some Haggard! You want to eat haggis out of Haggard's asshole? Oh my god. That'd be so gross, dude. If I had Hagrid's asshole, how much blood pressure do you think Hagrid goes through?
01:23:03
Speaker
None. You think he shits and doesn't clean it up? Yeah, he probably has rashes. You think he just shits and it's just a fucking ghost wife? Like there's never any poop left? There's no way. i mean, Hagrid having diarrhea has to be crazy.
01:23:16
Speaker
You think Hagrid's a vegetarian? No. No? Dude, I think he eats the fucking animals that he raises. Oh my god. Why is that vile? We do that in America now. We raise animals, kill eat Everything's Charlotte's Web.
01:23:28
Speaker
Yeah, but these are like special. All right. Fucking naive Nancy over here. You're about fucking kids and now this is weird. Actually, I was. I'll take most of the blame for that one. That was with the fan came that was mainly me.
01:23:43
Speaker
Yeah, we're not over yet. I'll be honest.
01:23:48
Speaker
How much that can you keep? it um' warm I'm keeping most of it. Yeah. Aragog died. If you don't remember Aragog, he was, ah all aagon Hagrid's, uh, pet spider. writerer The one that, you know, chamber of secret secrets that like almost, you know, he sent the fucking other baby spiders at Ron and Harry. What happened to the car?
01:24:12
Speaker
Who knows? Who cares? Just left. They burned that fucking, they burned the fucking house down with the car. Where's the car? Uh, Mr. Kha. ah So Horus wants to suck the venom out of this spider because it's rare.
01:24:25
Speaker
And Hagrid... ah He offers to say a few words for Hagrid. Hagrid about Aragog. We cut to Slughorn and Hagrid who are sloshed. Hagrid passes out.
01:24:36
Speaker
And... You get your other cornerstone of a Harry Potter movie talking about ah Harry's parents. Harry takes advantage of Slughorn here because he's drunk off his ass. Yeah, but also Slughorn says, I know what you're doing here.
01:24:49
Speaker
i know what you want. you want a big boy kind I'm sorry. ah fucking ra So basically, he was gifted a fish named Francis that was ah lily pad that turned into a fish that Harry's mother gave Horace, which I wonder if Lily Potter knew that once she died, Horace was going to take all the fucking, uh, he was going to feel free to just try to fuck Harry. Like, Lily, fuck him.
01:25:21
Speaker
Fuck him, Harry. Uh, so the fish died when his mother died. and he says he can't help Harry, ah but Harry confirms he is the chosen one He says, everyone's speculating, but I am the chosen one and he needs Horace to help him or else his mother died in vain.
01:25:37
Speaker
He's a little ah self-centered, don't you think? And we watch Horace pull his fucking memory out of his head. Do I think Harry's self-centered? Yeah. Harry's trying to save the world, bro. Yeah, but no, but yeah.
01:25:50
Speaker
But he's like, I am the chosen one.
01:25:53
Speaker
Oh, there's a cut and we're in the memory ah with Dumbledore. And ah what... ah Mr. Tom Riddle asked about was a horcrux. Which a horcrux is an object for a person to conceal part or parts as we find out of their soul.
01:26:10
Speaker
um And how do you split the soul? By killing people. ah And Tom asked if you can split your soul seven times. And horrors like you can kill you would kill more than one person.
01:26:23
Speaker
Yes. um They come out of memory and Dumbledore is floored. Very surprised. He's like, it's worse than I can imagine. He realizes that the diary is a horcrux.
01:26:34
Speaker
um And they talk it out together. If you destroy a horcrux, you then destroy Voldemort. But there are seven of them. um And he does. Harry's like, well, how do you find him? And Voldemort touches Voldemort.
01:26:47
Speaker
Dumbledore has Voldemort's ring that was gifted to him by his mother. And you get like a flash of like Voldemort visions, like doing it. He's like, it leaves a trace of him fucking his own mother.
01:26:58
Speaker
Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. He is the dark Lord. Yeah, dude. Uh, Dumbledore, uh, says he's been in and out of Hogwarts cause he found another Horcrux.
01:27:11
Speaker
Um, We then cut to Snape, who is telling Dumbledore. don't want to do this anymore. I don't know. It's so random, dude. What the fuck? i don't know why i thought of that, but he literally, like, verbatim is like, I don't want to do this anymore. You're right. Yeah, he does.
01:27:36
Speaker
And I just thought of that, and I was like you the little bitch. That's what you signed up for, Snape. and Harry Potter is listening to their conversation. He walks in after Snape leaves and they have some weird eye contact. and Dumbledore is like, look Harry, you have to agree right now. Listen to every command that I tell you.
01:27:54
Speaker
I could ask you to kill me. I could ask you to run. i could ask you to abandon me. I could ask you to fuck me. i guess You have to do it. You have to. No matter what, you have to fuck me. Well, not fuck me, but you have to do what I'm telling
Horcrux Quest and Dumbledore's Sacrifice
01:28:11
Speaker
you. No matter what. No matter what. You dick me down.
01:28:14
Speaker
If I ask you to dick me down, you have to do it. um So they apparate to a rock in the middle of the ocean, which if you're going to rape someone, and that's where you bring them. Oh my God. Harry, toss my salad.
01:28:30
Speaker
Toss my salad's great. um Dumbledore gives some of his blood to open a passageway and they enter a very dark room that has like a lake inside. And Hagrid Dumbledore casts a light to the other end of the cave and they locate the Horcrux and he summons like a chain from the bottom of this fucking lake and Harry pulls this chain not Dumbledore's chain but a different chain that summons a little rowboat and they take the rowboat to the other side to this little island and they have to drink this potion no matter what
01:29:07
Speaker
um and he's like you i have he literally says force it down my throat that's true i i'm not i'm just telling you what he said force it down my throat just that's it um he takes one sip immediately he's collapsed and uh there's a ah yeah actually think this is some of Michael Gambon's best acting here, or what the fuck his first name is. this is a He's like, kill me! Yeah, it's hard to... ah The first time you watch it it's like kind of hard to watch. You're like, this guy's literally dying right now.
01:29:41
Speaker
He begs for death. He finally finishes all of it, because Harry forces it down his throat. like, no, and no, okay. I'll be a good boy. And then he goes, he begs Harry for water.
01:29:55
Speaker
And Harry ah summons some water in the bowl with Aguamenti, which is a... um ka And he can't scoop it. ah The Horcrux, by the way, is a necklace. That's what's at the bottom, a necklace.
01:30:10
Speaker
ah He then goes to the lake they're like the like and tries scoop some water out of there when the lights go out. um And a hand comes out of the water and grabs him.
01:30:21
Speaker
Pretty good jump scare. Yes. And these people, bodies, wherever they are, start crawling out. And it is like, I mean, Harry is throwing fucking... Crazy amounts of stupefies. Like left and right. I'm going to hit it one more time ah ryan time.
01:30:39
Speaker
And Dumbledore's just sitting there. He's like, Harry, my wand. It's just like right there and he doesn't do anything. if It's a V. oh but Harry gets pulled into the lake by these like monster looking Johns when suddenly there is a like a blast of fire on the surface and Harry's freed and he comes up and Dumbledore is like casting fucking he's like a fucking fire bender, dude.
01:31:10
Speaker
yeah It's like a fire tornado. Um, then he's able to split it so they can leave using, uh, I think it's part is temporis, something like that.
01:31:23
Speaker
I auto corrects me a lot. and i don't go back to check. So I'm sorry.
01:31:28
Speaker
Uh, we cut the Draco who's sleeping and, uh, we see someone open the vanishing cabinet.
01:31:38
Speaker
Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Death Ears and Bellatrix Lestrange, which they autographed to Bellatrio. Bellatrix Lestrange, more like Bellatrix this dick.
01:31:51
Speaker
You can get it. Let's give it to her for the one time, the one time or two time, whatever she wants to, three times. Uh, how many times do you want to get tied be Dumbledore and Harry Potter ride back in the clock tower? Not the cock towers where Harry jerks off.
01:32:10
Speaker
um that's the owl tower apparition and he tells harry go get severus and he's like fucking really severus and he's like dude just trust me not thrust me trust me trust me he's like matter what you fucking stay hidden uh draco shows up and reveals his fucking sick new tat he's like hey dude look at this man look at this man it's pretty metal ah And Draco hits an Expelliarmus on ah Mr. Dumbledore.
01:32:42
Speaker
On Brian. Mr. Dumbledore. Bellatrix, Lestrange, and the other Death Ears show up. And they're basically all just waiting for fucking Draco to fucking kill him.
01:32:55
Speaker
We understand here that the Borgen and Burks cabinet vanishing thing. um And that the thing that the Dark Lord set him up to do was to kill Dumbledore.
01:33:06
Speaker
That was his thing. Dumbledore. Harry's underneath watching all this and Snape appears next to him and tells him to not make a sound. He goes up there because Draco doesn't have the balls.
Dumbledore's Death and Aftermath
01:33:21
Speaker
yeah And one of the most iconic scenes, sad scenes from the movie is when Snape kills Dumbledore with Navajra Kedavra. That's an Alakazam, but kind of a sad one.
01:33:33
Speaker
a big sad. And we watched that. I mean, that's that's low key. The end of that button. Yeah. He like falls off the clock tower slow-mo.
01:33:46
Speaker
We watch them leave. Bellatrix trashes the dining hall. They zap some fucking random or standing outside. They light up.
01:33:58
Speaker
Bellatrix lights Hagrid's hut on fire. Fuck him. ah And Harry's running after all of them, and he tries to use Sectumsempra on Snape.
01:34:09
Speaker
And I was going to get this as a button, but don't space, but Snape is like, you'll dare i use my spells against me? but ah I'm the half-blood prince, which was kind of a banger. It was. It hits.
01:34:22
Speaker
That hits. um We cut to the ah the whole school's mooring Dumbledore. They're just standing in front of his dead body. but Can someone help this fuck? Can someone get his body out of here? The dark mark. Can someone help me fuck the corpse?
01:34:36
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. All right. ah The Dark Mark is above Hogwarts and McGonagall and the rest of the class summon some light lumos. don't say it, but they do it.
01:34:47
Speaker
And it bursts through the the Death Eater cloud above. And Harry's crying and Ginny consoles me because they fuck him. Uh, the next day Harry's in Dumbledore's office, but Garnagal comes in and, uh, she's like, you know, hey he thought a lot of you. You meant a date a great deal to him is what she actually says.
01:35:06
Speaker
Harry just fucking leaves. Harry's like, yeah, I know. We cut to a yeah, Harry. And i was going to say HP again. Shout out to printers.
01:35:17
Speaker
Um, and Hermione and Harry says that Draco is lowering his wand. um And the necklace they found is fake. And there was a letter inside signed R-A-B.
Harry's Future Plans and Hermione's Support
01:35:31
Speaker
Rabbi. The rabbi took it. I mean, he also fucking touches kids, so that's fair. ah Harry says it was all a waste. um And this is like a very serious moment when suddenly Hermione's like, you know, Ron's okay with you and Ginny snogging.
01:35:48
Speaker
Thanks. All right. Harry says he's not coming back. He's going to try to do. He's still on his I'm a dude alone type shit. And he's fucking not. And Hermione's no, no, we're all doing this together.
01:36:00
Speaker
ah We see Fox fly around the castle and he looks fucking atrocious. Some bad CGI. And that is the end of Harry Potter and the half blood prince.
01:36:13
Speaker
um Harry Potter and fuck all the kids. Yeah. Yeah.
01:36:19
Speaker
yeah I mean, that wasn this movie that was an off the rail fucking episode. I love this movie.
01:36:30
Speaker
I love this movie. I'm going to up my rating. So I initially rated it a four star. I'm going to give it a four and a half kid fucking talk. Really? Yeah. Really got me going. Are you going, huh?
01:36:41
Speaker
But no, i I truly do think that this is an underrated Harry Potter movie. Uh, Yeah, most people think remember it because of Dumbledore's death, but I really think that there's some good some good shit going on in here.
01:36:55
Speaker
Yeah, I don't really care for the whole Horace thing. I could deal with the lavender shit with Ron, but most of the romance in Harry Potter, i don't think they do well at all.
01:37:07
Speaker
be honest Yeah, I'm not a fan of it. I don't really care about Horace that much. i think he's kind of annoying. I agree. you know, I like the fact that we explore Horcruxes here because obviously they're going to be important down the stretch.
01:37:23
Speaker
Big, big important in the next film. I gave it a three last year. upped to two a three and a half. I do think this is actually the darkest movie in the franchise now, which is crazy because it's only rated PG.
01:37:37
Speaker
Before my rewatch of part one and part two, Deathly Hallows. So as of right now, I will say i think it's the darkest one we've watched of this viewing. Which I really fucking love, but I think parts of it are very silly and kind of not needed.
01:37:54
Speaker
I just like it's the same thing with the Goblet of Fire and having the fucking the dance. Like, I just don't give a fuck about it. Yeah, I think it was trying to lighten the mood. Also, like these movies are two and a half to three hours. You can cut some of this shit out.
01:38:08
Speaker
I agree with that. you got plenty of good shit in there. Right. Watering it down. But I agree about lightening it up. I bumped it up to a three and a half. It was a three. It's three and a half this time. Love Snape, obviously.
01:38:20
Speaker
Yeah. And Potter. so Snape's like, you know, he gets more more time. Snape's great. Harry's... and I don't know.
01:38:31
Speaker
no Yeah, you can do... ah
01:38:36
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod for the clips. Follow us on YouTube, twoguysonescreenpod for the clips. Follow us on Letterboxd.
01:38:50
Speaker
ah Send any comments, concerns, requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com. And if you're feeling up to it, send us a voicemail that we'll listen to live on air.
01:39:00
Speaker
508-8-FISTUS. 508-8-DIPTIP. All those will be in the description. ah next week, it's not a bonus episode, but it is going to drop a day early.
01:39:16
Speaker
ah Monday is May 5th, aka Revenge of the 5th. ah So we will be dropping our review on Star Wars Revenge of the Sith. Will either of us watch a Star Wars movie between today, over this recording, January 13th, to then? i don't think so. Don't think so.
01:39:34
Speaker
And by the time you're hearing, as we've already watched and reviewed it. So...
01:39:40
Speaker
been look out for that. And then we're almost at the end of our Harry Potter journey. ah Moving on to the Deathly Hallows part one, which is beyond is pretty hit or miss.
01:39:56
Speaker
I agree with that. From what I remember, one viewing can be great. The next, i mean, I've seen it three times or I've seen it twice. Once can be one was pretty bad. The second time was better.
01:40:08
Speaker
Depends. Truly, i can't remember much from the Deathly Hallows part one or two, ah except for the one part at the end of the first one that, you know, everybody knows and hits hard.
01:40:22
Speaker
And then the ending of part two. ah Just to say this on your letterbox, you have a Harry Potter ranking that has part two in last place.
01:40:36
Speaker
Interesting. Interesting. We'll see. We'll get to see how it goes.
01:40:42
Speaker
But until then, we'll see you guys next week. Toodles. Mark, fuck you.