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EP. 53 The Cat in the Hat (2003)
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Tone
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Two Guys, One Scream, aka The Hemorrhoid Homies, aka The Poetown Boys. I'm here with the edgelord himself. My name is Nick.
00:00:12
Speaker
And I'm Gerald. And today a movie that we've been...
Why 'The Cat in the Hat' Matters?
00:00:17
Speaker
when we conceived this pod, when I was ass-fucking you...
00:00:25
Speaker
Okay. No. Yeah, exactly. No, we just we just knew from the jump we wanted to review this movie. um So I'm happy we're doing it. It is 2003's The Cat in the Hat.
Appreciating the Comedy of 'The Cat in the Hat'
00:00:41
Speaker
I don't know if I have a proper button for this. Maybe this one. Hey, great. There you go. Yeah, that's pretty good, right? um We have, literally have soundboard dedicated to this film.
00:00:54
Speaker
Because this film is just filled with nothing but banger line after banger line. with some With some solid laughs. Also, i think we should say, the way we talk about this movie, it's not a bit. Like, this is actually how we feel about this movie.
00:01:12
Speaker
We're not doing this as a joke. Even though we would totally do this as a joke, we're not doing this as a joke. This is this movie's the shit. don't care what anybody says. i had not seen this movie...
00:01:24
Speaker
I couldn't tell you watch. I don't know. I remember, though, we should talk about because we have no physical media pickups. This was ah physical media pickup back in the day. And I bought you a copy for your birthday.
00:01:38
Speaker
Probably something like that. Something like that. um And you already had one or you had bought one for yourself. ah Yeah. So you kept yours. So I have two copies of Cat in the Hat. I don't think I still do have two copies of Cat in the Hat.
Social Media and Community Engagement
00:01:51
Speaker
What about that guy that has like a thousand copies on DVD? I was going to mention that. Yeah, that guy's wild. That guy's great. i mean, good for him, you know? Yeah. Yeah, great.
00:02:02
Speaker
Hey, great. Hey, great. Let's do a little... Plug it in, plug it in. Nice. so So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod.
00:02:13
Speaker
Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com. Follow us on Tik TOK. If it lets us post anything, we're back.
00:02:24
Speaker
We're back. Okay, baby. We're back. Uh, follow us on letterboxd. Follow us on YouTube for the clips. Fucking clits. And, uh, everything's in the
Gerald's Apartment Saga
00:02:34
Speaker
description. You already know that.
00:02:35
Speaker
Follow that shit. I did want shout out, but it's not letting me pull it up. um Is it letting you pull out? i Yeah, I have to pull out. I have no choice. all right, good.
00:02:47
Speaker
notifications new subscriber on the youtube oh hello shout out to zachary leto or leto ledo hey great thanks for following us man you're literally you the first follower that i don't think either of us know on youtube yeah i think that's accurate jesus and friends came first ah Sure, but he's MIA. Where have you been at, Jesus? You gotta resurrect.
00:03:13
Speaker
He's either MIA or he might have been KIA. i don't know. a yeah
00:03:19
Speaker
Possible. That's completely possible. Ice gun. I don't know. o Not assuming your race, but... Which, by the way, that wasn't fucking ice in my house. It actually was. I didn't tell you this part.
00:03:35
Speaker
Actually, no one has heard this story, so I'll just tell it really quickly on the podcast. ah At this point, it was months ago because we're recording this in February. This is not coming out until April.
00:03:47
Speaker
um I had a knock on my door while Joe and I were recording an episode. And I opened the door and there is my maintenance guy. And I live in an apartment building and two fucking people with dogs.
00:04:00
Speaker
And I get we're here to check out the bed bugs. And I was like, what bed? What are you talking about? Yeah. What are you doing? Exactly. And my apartment building at center, a letter saying, oh, they'll people will be here to check out a bed bug, the bed bug infestation, like in the hallways and in the common areas.
Personal Anecdotes and Humor
00:04:22
Speaker
knock on my fucking door uh Gerald and I witnessed this Joe was like hiding on the camera i was hiding i was like I don't want these people to see me so they're in my room like put my mattress up with the flashlight they're like in my closet they're all over the place and then I'm like get the fuck out right like hey yo why you pulling don't touch my bed I'll I'll touch my bed Right. That's my bed. That's my sacred space to fucking... I cum in that bed. Yeah, just to fucking destroy my cock. That's like right that's like my space.
00:04:48
Speaker
Safe space. um But then I had to like... I told him like, well, got put my cats like in a fucking bag and, you know, not in a hat. Get it? All right. hu um That was bad. I'm sorry.
00:04:59
Speaker
But...
00:05:02
Speaker
The guy, one of the guys that was looking around, he like stopped and like saw the cats in the bag. And he showed me like, oh, I had a Maine Coon cat that just passed away. And he's like, show me pictures of his dead cat. Hey, buddy, beat it.
00:05:14
Speaker
ah Get the fuck out of my house. the fuck out of my goddamn apartment, please. So, uh, yes, yesterday. it doesn't really matter when, because at this point it's so far away.
00:05:26
Speaker
Yeah. The other day I'm about to leave for work. I got a knock at my door. And they're like, i open the door, I go, yeah. And it's maintenance with a guy that has like the pump can with the chemicals to spray. He's like, yeah, we're here to spray for bed bugs.
00:05:39
Speaker
I go, you didn't tell me. No, you didn't schedule it. You didn't ask. about to leave for work and I have cats. I go, what were you guys going to do if you like walked in here? i wasn't home. A and B, my cats were just roaming around. You can spray the chemicals anyways.
00:05:56
Speaker
They might be pet safe. They go, oh, we'll ah we'll reschedule. I go, yeah, you fucking will.
Diving into 'The Cat in the Hat' Details
00:06:00
Speaker
And fucking let me know. Yeah. So I went. So after that, I was heated and I went downstairs to the office and I was like, The lady that runs the building was down there.
00:06:08
Speaker
And I was like, look, you know, i don't like to complain, but this happened and this happened and it's kind of not fair. And she just did not give a fuck. She was just like, we're already scheduling now.
00:06:19
Speaker
And I was just like, I'm going to flip your desk over. That's great. You can reschedule me, but how about confront me first? How about like just send me a fucking letter as you do all the time about people who don't pay rent in my fucking building. So like you do that. So just fucking send me a letter saying we're doing this.
00:06:36
Speaker
Right. Also, the maintenance guy told me there's a confirmed case of bed bugs on my floor. So that's great. Wow. That's real bad. That's fucking great. You know, I'm not happy about that, but it's what it is.
00:06:49
Speaker
It is what it is. By the time... Actually, that's not true, but by the time you're hearing this, I will definitely in the act of moving out of my building because fuck this place. They suck.
00:07:02
Speaker
Anyways. um Well, do you know, here's hoping you don't get you don't get any
Rating and Critique of 'The Cat in the Hat'
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah, i hope so. I mean, no one's coming in my apartment besides the people who are, like, maintenance.
00:07:14
Speaker
Well, don't know. Do they, like, like crawl around? They latch on to, like, clothes and and luggage, I know, but I'm not... I don't know.
00:07:23
Speaker
Um... Cat in the Hat is a 2003 film directed by one Bo Welch, who I did watch the extra credits like you suggest, like the bonus features.
00:07:35
Speaker
It's a pretty normal looking dude. Yeah. You know, nothing crazy about it. I thought he'd be like a fucking whacked out character. I kind of pictured Weird Al Yankovic. I'll be honest. Like for someone direct this kind of movie.
00:07:46
Speaker
This movie is very. I don't want to say odd. It's odd. Yeah, it's odd for sure, but it it fits the... What's the word you use to describe this? It fits the vibe of the movie, I feel like.
00:08:01
Speaker
Like, you'd have to go all out for this kind of a movie, or else it wouldn't work. I can see why this probably flopped, though. Oh, can you? ah yeah Just because, like, you know, you're bringing your little kid to this movie, and you're like, what the fuck is this?
00:08:15
Speaker
That's fucking... what is Michael Myers is a furry. Yeah. ah He doesn't have... He's only been a director for one movie, and it's this movie, which is weird. um But he's been a production designer for some big movies.
00:08:30
Speaker
yeah Like big? yeah Yeah. You got Men in Black, several of those. The Lost Boys, Batman Returns, Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands, which we are doing for the podcast at some point. You'll hear that episode.
00:08:47
Speaker
ah Thor. Thor. i mean, there's a ton of movies here. He's a good. Ghost Clusters 2? and he He's a good production designer, and you can kind of see that come to fruition in this movie.
00:09:01
Speaker
um A lot of people will make the comparison to Wes Anderson. I'm saying Wes Anderson who? Okay, this man went all out on the production design of this movie.
00:09:13
Speaker
Back when we were a proper country, not everything was goddamn CGI. Like, yeah, there is CGI in this movie, but.
00:09:22
Speaker
Not to the extent of what we're doing today. Yeah. It's not great, but it's not horrible. You know? I think it's great. I don't know if there was.
00:09:33
Speaker
I think. that Yeah. I think the fish in particular, I was like shocked every time he was on screen. I was like, he looks so fucking good. Yeah. My boy fish. Here is your cast.
00:09:44
Speaker
ah Mike Myers plays the cat. I mean, Mike Myers is a legend. Right. I don't know who he is.
00:09:53
Speaker
He's fucking Shrek. Come on, people. Yeah, dude. ah So he obviously voiced Shrek. He has a credit for Inglourious Bastards. I don't know where he is in this movie.
00:10:05
Speaker
um Austin Powers. Yeah. I mean, i don't even know where to start with this guy. Everything. So I Married an Axe Murderer. Movie's not good.
00:10:16
Speaker
No. Unfortunately for him. But a lot of voice acting. Shrek's Yule Log? Is that Shrek's cock or his poop? It's probably poop, right?
00:10:27
Speaker
He's in Bohemian Rhapsody. Who is he?
00:10:32
Speaker
i think he might be the um the record manager that didn't want to give him the the deal at the beginning of the film. When I go to the... That makes sense. ah So, yeah, that's Mike Myers.
00:10:44
Speaker
Then you got some little actress named Dakota Fanning, you know, um who plays Sally Walden. ah She's been in. I mean, look at this fucking resume.
00:10:57
Speaker
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Coraline, Ocean's 8, several Twilight movies. ah Man on Fire, the Equalizer.
00:11:10
Speaker
Then you got Charlotte's Web. Like, come on, dude. Live action Charlotte's Web. Okay. Lilo and Stitch 2. Stitch has a glitch. Come on, guys. do you know about that movie? Do you think Stitch's glitch is gonorrhea?
00:11:22
Speaker
It might be, yeah. but will I don't know. I'm not saying she's fucking Stitch. I'm just saying he might have gonorrhea. Well, I hope she's not fucking Stitch. He ain't fucking it. Who's she? Is she Lilo in that? She is. Wow.
00:11:34
Speaker
She in Kim Possible?
00:11:38
Speaker
A sitch in time. She likes a lot of the itches, huh? Yeah. Big itch girl. You can be my itch girl.
00:11:48
Speaker
I don't think this is a question. She gets the button, right? Huh? Dakota Fanning? Like, her not her in this movie. No. No, absolutely not, but she's an adult.
00:11:59
Speaker
Oh, now, yeah. She's four years older than us. Yeah, she can get it now. Oh, I forgot we're doing it for the movie. yeah Yeah. Okay, not for the movie, but for... Who she is right now, today, in the year of our Lord, 2025. We
00:12:15
Speaker
but got Spencer Breslin, who plays Conrad Walden. I know him from the Santa Claus movie. Oh, is he a fucking... He's a fucking ah one of the elves. Is he really?
00:12:26
Speaker
Yeah, he's... What's his name? i he I think his name was also Conrad, I feel like.
00:12:32
Speaker
Curtis, not Conrad, Curtis. Curtis. Sup, Kurt? Sup, Kurt? How you doing, Kurt? Hit on with that Kurt Cobain. Bang! You know saying? That's all I know him from. Is the Santa Claus movies.
00:12:45
Speaker
And this movie. He's in a bunch of other things that I've never seen, unfortunately. ah You get Kelly Preston, who's Joan Walden. She is the mom.
00:12:55
Speaker
I think she can get the button. Yep. Yep.
00:13:01
Speaker
and she was in She's in some heaters. Dust Till Dawn, Christine. She's in Jack Frost? Yo, she's the mother in Jack Frost, dude. And not the horror one. The Michael Keaton one.
00:13:12
Speaker
The underrated Michael Keaton movie. We should do that for the pod for December. what Why does everybody hate that movie, too? Get the fuck out of here. ah Sorry. Cat. I don't know.
00:13:23
Speaker
I don't know why everybody hates that movie for her. She was in Sky High. It's good movie. It is a good movie, yeah. Um... Yeah, that's Kelly Preston. We have Amy Hill, who plays Mrs. Kwan.
00:13:40
Speaker
Was that the right sound, by the way? Yeah, was, yeah. Kelly Preston's dead. R.I.P. Damn. Oh, she died young. Yeah, she did. What'd she die from?
00:13:51
Speaker
From what? I don't know. It doesn't say on Letterboxd. Get her organs rearranged? That's rude. That is. R.I.P.? all right all right b right, so back to Mrs. Kwan.
00:14:02
Speaker
No, we missed we missed Alec Baldwin. I know. Why don't hit the button, though? That's fair. Oh, she was married to John Travolta as well.
00:14:15
Speaker
Oh, damn. Okay. How did Kelly Preston pass away? Breast cancer at 57. Aw, damn. RIP. Hey, we're recording this in Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
00:14:27
Speaker
You were a mommy. Hats off to you. I don't know Mrs. Kwan from Jack Shit. She's in 50 First Dates. What movie is this? I can't see. lee She's in the original Lilo and Stitch. They're just picking the Lilo and Stitch cast over here. yeah She's in Spider-Man Homecoming.
00:14:43
Speaker
and She's in Scrooge? She's in a Herbie Fully Loaded. Big Fat Liar? Shout out Big Fat Liar. movie's good. Never seen it. She's in the Lilo and Stitch remake that's coming out.
00:14:54
Speaker
Interesting. And what is this? She's in Let's Go to Prison. Okay. okay Interesting. and legalwa
00:15:05
Speaker
What the fuck is this movie, Let's Go to Prison? Is that fucking... It's Bob Odenkirk. It's probably good.
00:15:15
Speaker
Welcome to the slammer. ah Got to get your fucking ass slammed if you drop the soap. Will Arnett, Dave Cockner, Michael Shannon. It's probably decent.
00:15:29
Speaker
And it's directed by Bob Odenkirk.
00:15:33
Speaker
all right. ah Alec Baldwin, who is Larry Quinn, a.k.a. the the guy trying to rinse out their mom, a.k.a. the guy who shot a guy. Do we? Yeah.
00:15:45
Speaker
i mean, shout out to you. he canceled? I think he is canceled. Yeah. His brother's not, but he is. He's been in, I mean, so many films. It's even worth reading all these movies out. I mean, if you don't know who Alec Baldwin is, right? Yeah.
00:15:59
Speaker
I mean. Fuck. Fuck. We got Sean Hayes, who plays Mr. Humberflube. And he voices the fish.
00:16:10
Speaker
um This is Mr. Humberflube. I am shocked at how little I know from him. Because I have Monsters Inc. University, Cat in the Hat, and The Bucket List.
00:16:25
Speaker
And he's in the Emoji Movie, which who fucking cares.
00:16:30
Speaker
And a lot of nothing, respectfully. whole lot of nothing, yeah. Was he in TV, maybe?
00:16:38
Speaker
Oh, yep. He is widely known for his role on Will and Grace. There you go. There you go. um Daniel C. Ryan plays Thing 1.
00:16:51
Speaker
And then there's also a Taylor Rice that also plays Thing 1. Then you got a Brittany Oaks who plays Thing 2. Italia Lynn Prairie who plays Thing 2 as well. Oh, for for Amy Hill, Mrs. Kwan.
00:17:09
Speaker
There you go. He ain't fucking it. Oh, no. He ain't fucking it.
00:17:15
Speaker
There's a lot of characters, a lot of cast dedicated to Thing 1 and Thing 2, which is interesting. Then they have Dan Castellaneda. Sorry, butchered that. He also plays, he voices Thing 1 and Thing 2.
00:17:28
Speaker
Then you get Victor Brant, who is the narrator. ah You have Frank Welker, who voices Nevins. Shout out Nevins.
00:17:40
Speaker
I think we' have hit this button out of respect. He ain't fucking it. We don't fuck animals in this podcast. He ain't fucking it. Also, why why does the dog have a voice actor?
00:17:51
Speaker
Probably just like their woo like that. Wouldn't they just have a dog bark?
00:17:57
Speaker
Yeah, there's some wines and stuff probably they probably had a guy do. Also, I don't know if we didn't know this, right? It's fucking Frank Welker, okay? Yeah.
00:18:08
Speaker
He's fucking Scooby-Doo.
00:18:12
Speaker
Literally the button. but well Literally. That's Frank Welker, guys. he's ah He's in a lot of shit. Toy Story, Lion King, Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark movies.
00:18:27
Speaker
Fucking... I gave a three and a half. It's a lie.
00:18:32
Speaker
he's in the He's in the Jim Carrey Grinch. I mean, he's in he's in Gremlins. he He is literally the voice of Scooby and Fred. He has been the voice of Fred since the 1969 series.
00:18:44
Speaker
He's in Tarzan. Yeah, mean, don't have that button today. Sorry.
00:18:51
Speaker
ah Who else we got? i mean, really, the only other one that needs a shout out, I feel, is Clint Howard.
00:19:00
Speaker
The ice cream man himself. Who plays Kate the caterer. He's in Terrifier 3? Yeah, dude. He gets shot. He's the one ah in the ah and the bar.
00:19:11
Speaker
Hey. Ooh. Speaking of that. Getting shot at bars. Shout out to Plexiglas Burris. Hey, who? ah Dude, did you know that Paris Hilton's in this fucking movie? Where is Paris Hilton in this movie?
00:19:24
Speaker
So Paris Hilton, when they're in the club, like at the rave. Found me at the club. Sorry. Yeah. Shout out 50 Cent. Uh.
00:19:34
Speaker
When they're in the club, he's like that that blonde. Oh, she's just a hot chick that's dancing? Yeah. Yeah. So in the deleted scenes, there was like an extended cut where she's like actually like kind of like full on dancing with the cat.
00:19:48
Speaker
And then she's like, hey, what are you doing? But they cut it. I do remember because he was trying to get handsy with her. He was, yeah. that There's a lot of scenes that they cut from this movie that should have kept it in.
00:20:00
Speaker
like We can go with it at the end, the the deleted scenes, because watched those as well. I told you to cause they were funny.
00:20:08
Speaker
Okay. That's it for the cast. We'll go into the scene by scene. It's nice to get back into a scene by scene. We're coming off of three straight...
00:20:20
Speaker
open discussion episodes so it's nice to get back you know as far as you guys know we're not but this is we're concerned this is gonna be wild you ready for this i'm ready what is that your piss bottle what is that like dehydrated piss
00:20:39
Speaker
what do you got dude it's a two liter of ginger ale oh man are you little sick No, my tummy's been a little agitated the past couple days, so I've been just literally sipping on a two liter of seagrams over here. We're off that seagrams.
00:20:58
Speaker
um I was going to say something. Oh, my stomach's been a little off too, but it's probably because I ate three hot dogs yesterday. That'll do it. That'll fucking do it. I ate so much ah like unhealthy shit last night.
00:21:12
Speaker
That's also probably why it's extra irritated. Coming off the the Super Bowl last night when we're recording this. Coming off that disaster. Did not watch it. how butt What was the final score of that game?
00:21:23
Speaker
but for the time, it was 40-0. Oh, Wow. about blowout. Yeah. forty to nothing oh wow wow but talk about a blowout yeah
00:21:36
Speaker
ah We should give this movie its props for the animated opening of the DreamWorks ah logo. Hey, it's not DreamWorks. It's Universal, but good try, buddy. No, it says DreamWorks.
00:21:46
Speaker
Does it? I thought it's Universal when the when a cat when the thing comes across. There's a DreamWorks, too. oh shadow there is there There is a Universal. Shout out DreamWorks.
00:21:57
Speaker
I'm wrong. Um...
00:22:01
Speaker
Thanks for crushing my momentum. Fuck. ah Yeah, it looks great. It's cat in a hat. It's like Dr. Seuss themed, which looks awesome. um We start to hear a narration, which I did not write down any of it, ah but it does take place.
00:22:16
Speaker
This story in the town of Anvil. And you get the credits. And we are put in the real estate office of one Hank Humberflume.
00:22:29
Speaker
Hold on. this The shot? Like, this but this movie's fucking shot good. I don't know. i don't yeah Yeah. but yeah shot It looked like it was fucking like a drone in 2003. it goes over a hill into like the town.
00:22:41
Speaker
Yeah, it was fucking cool. It was fucking cool. And in the the set design, as we mentioned, like the Humber Flume office is all like neon green. Yeah, it's kind of ugly, but it looks it it suits it.
00:22:53
Speaker
But it's vibey, you know what mean? Yeah, it is a vibe. This whole movie is a fucking vibe, dude. A fucking vibe. And we meet Joan Walden, who is a secretary at, or she's a real estate director.
00:23:04
Speaker
Lady. Sorry. That's what they're called. Real estate ladies. Yep, exactly. As far as I'm concerned. ah And her babysitter is leaving.
00:23:16
Speaker
And that's where she makes the the babysitter joke that I already kind of forgot. Babysitters don't sit. They not leave. Baby leavers leave. Right. Right.
00:23:29
Speaker
right ah Then we get a call for a staff meeting at 902 by one Hank Humberflume himself. um And we should mention that the they all had to go wash their hands.
00:23:44
Speaker
ah And the sign says wash your hands all the time. Your hands would get so like cracked and shit.
00:23:54
Speaker
oh my Oh my God. That's the new button that when I have to censor shit. That's good. I know that fucking beep is like really abrasive. So I would wait to review this to have that sound for when we say wild shit.
00:24:11
Speaker
That's great. Humber flume introduces a new ah member of the staff, Jim Mcfinigan, who goes to shake his hand. And they do make hand to hand contact.
00:24:22
Speaker
Uh, and Humber flume is not for it.
00:24:31
Speaker
Yeah, he's not okay. but He fires, ah one Jim Mcfinigan. Um, And he has hand sanitizer at the hip at the ready. like in like a like a Glock holster. Like it's in a hole. He's ready to go.
00:24:49
Speaker
um We then find out that there's an employee meet and greet hosted by Joan at her house. And she's like, dude, I got to go because my babysitter is being a baby lever.
00:25:02
Speaker
And Humber Flume definitely has a disdain for her kids already and warns her that the house needs to be clean or she's also going to be.
00:25:14
Speaker
de The duh is so great. are ah Shout out to Sean Hayes. We're then narrated and taken to Lip Lapper Lane. We see the neighborhood ah where Joan and her her family lives.
00:25:30
Speaker
This is the most Wes Anderson before Wes Anderson. It's not even before Wes Anderson, honestly, but Wes Anderson vibe, you know, neighborhood I've ever seen. um We're inside their house and we see feet that look like a cat.
00:25:45
Speaker
Shout out Quentin Tarantino. Um... But this is where we meet Conrad. It's just like part of a costume that he's wearing. They're like slippers. Yeah. Who wears slippers?
00:25:57
Speaker
If anybody wears slippers in 2025, can you let us know? ooh You know, my mom probably still wears slippers. Yeah. If you're under the age of like 40.
00:26:10
Speaker
Right. I would say under the age of 50. 50? Yeah. Cut it out. All right. I would say people have like the the indoor slippers, like just to wear in the house when their feet get cold.
00:26:20
Speaker
Because my feet are cold all the time, but I don't wear slippers because I'm like, yay. Or socks. Or socks. Oh, then you got like those Ugg slippers that everybody wears out in public, you know? Those look kind of cool.
00:26:31
Speaker
I kind of want to put my feet in those. I kind of want them, but they're kind of expensive for fucking slippers. That's 100% true. ah Yeah, write in. Let us know. Or call the all call in. You know, I haven't checked. Let's see if we have any voicemails because I have not looked.
00:26:46
Speaker
I'm a fucking failure. I didn't even plug the voicemail. You didn't? God damn. We have none. Send us a voicemail. 508-8-Fist-Dust. 508-8-Dip-Tip.
00:26:59
Speaker
I'm leaving that in the way it is. It's fine. um Well, we did get this track. We got a new subscriber on the YouTube. I already forgot your name. very sorry. um I know last name was Lido, though.
00:27:11
Speaker
Was Jeremy or Jacob? Something like that, right? I don't think so. But, hey, we like you anyway. It was Lido, though. Last name was Lido or Leto. Zachary. not Not Jared.
00:27:24
Speaker
No. Zachary Lido. Never forget. Um... So we're in the house and Conrad is telling Nevins, the dog, to shut the fuck up because he's barking.
00:27:34
Speaker
And then we meet Sally, who is his sister, and she's checking off her to-do list, which is just like a to-do list for her entire life. It's like graduate graduate graduate school, amend my will, things like that. She's like yeah way smarter than she needs to be.
00:27:51
Speaker
Yeah, it's like on like a like a Blackberry almost. I going to ask you what the fuck this thing is. Cause I do not know. I'm not familiar. have no idea. When this movie came out, we were like five.
00:28:02
Speaker
Uh, Conrad starts making a mess of the kitchen. Literally just dumping shit on the floor, pulling drawers out of their holsters. Like, like what? Yeah. Who does this?
00:28:14
Speaker
little, he's a menace. He's a fucking menace. I get it. But what do you gain? Nothing. Um, And he pulls like all sorts of like food products out to make a costume.
00:28:27
Speaker
And the funniest part is when he's at the top of the stairs and he sticks that loaf of bread down his pants. Yeah, that's fucking to guard his willy. It's kind of gross. I mean, it's still in the, pool I'd still eat that bread.
00:28:38
Speaker
Well, Quinn does eat the bread. No, I'm saying like after he goes down the indoor stair luge, I'd pull that, that bag of bread out of of his pants, open the plastic and take a slice out and make myself a PB and J.
00:28:52
Speaker
yeah with Which, by the way, you what I've been getting into recently? which i and This is not like mind-breaking, but like it was never my thing. I've been eating cold-cut sandwiches at home now. Okay. I was always a PB&J guy. I've been doing turkey, ham, and cheese.
00:29:06
Speaker
little bit mayo. You getting sliced? um but I'm buying it already sliced, yeah. Shout out Market Basket. There you go. Or as I say it here, Market Basket. Fucking idiots. Pronounce your R's, damn it.
00:29:20
Speaker
Come on. Not like Michael Daughtery. What's his name? It's Michael. I said that right, didn't I? Michael Daughty. What did I say? Daughtery? Daughtery. Like Daughtry?
00:29:31
Speaker
Like Daughtry. Chris Daughtry. Yo, Daughtry's got blackout sleeves. Bro, the tour went disturbed, and I'm not going to be able to see it because it's the second half of the tour. Also, who the fuck wants to see Daughtry?
00:29:42
Speaker
I mean, I kind of want to see it. They have that one song, right? I saw them back in the day. um we I'm going home. Right. They have that one. That's 100%. That was great, dude.
00:29:54
Speaker
yeah Back in the day, we were at we were at the Toys R Us in ah Times Square, my family and I, and he walked through and they had security, and I remember him walking by My dad and I, my dad was like, what's up?
00:30:09
Speaker
He was like, hey, how you doing, man? And he walked by. I swear to God. That's pretty cool. Chris fucking Daughtry. Not Michael Daughtry. Daughtry. Daughtry.
00:30:20
Speaker
All iterations last week. Michael blow the doors off my butthole. what What? That was crazy. all right. um Anyways.
00:30:30
Speaker
We're not even five minutes into this movie. This is... Pronounce your R's, Boston, please. It's not with that one word. You know what i mean? Boston Market. but Boston Market Basket.
00:30:43
Speaker
Okay. um So he performs the Indoor Stair Luge, which is like using your – he used something as a sled to go down the stairs, to surf the stairs. Yeah, like a serving tray.
00:30:57
Speaker
Sure, and he goes flying out the front door because as he's coming down the stairs, Joan arrives home and opens the door. And he goes face first into a into the car.
00:31:08
Speaker
Hey, Mom, what's up? Nevins runs off, and Conrad tries to make it all Sally's fault, but he doesn't have any kind of like story that's going make sense and get him out of being in trouble.
00:31:23
Speaker
She's how's this Sally's fault? I don't know. Give me a minute. I'm working on it. ah We cut. No cut. Larry Quinn walks in the door, who is Joan's boyfriend, and he has Nevins.
00:31:39
Speaker
he Conrad calls him Larry, and he asks he calls Lawrence. This happens a couple times in the film. And he tells him to go clean the kitchen. And Joan's like, yeah, listen to what he says.
00:31:51
Speaker
um And then so Conrad goes off and Larry asked Joan if she's given any thought into the Colonel Wilhelm Academy for Troubled Youth for Conrad, which is a military school.
00:32:02
Speaker
Yeah. How would you feel if your parents ever thought about sending you to military school? I thought they fucking were, dude. Really? Nah, my mom probably thought about it my my dad was not for it.
00:32:13
Speaker
Yeah, but you weren't a bad kid. They sent me to, ah I think they didn't because they sent me to Catholic school with nuns when I was a kid. Oh, really? Shout out St. Aloysius. ah Fuck you. i don't think I knew that.
00:32:27
Speaker
They smacked me with rulers. Oh, yeah. you know if i If I didn't finish my juice box, they made me fucking finish it, and I didn't like it. What the fuck? My mom would pack me apple juice, and I hated apple juice, and I wouldn't drink it and they'd force me to drink it.
00:32:41
Speaker
they And the only other memory I have of them, because was, this is like before, like, this is pre-kindergarten. prerekindergarten It's not even pre-K. It's before that.
00:32:52
Speaker
So you're like three, four? yeah only The only memory I have is we were we ate lunch, and i didn't eat I didn't drink the juice box. I threw it out because I didn't want to. I fucking hate apple juice. I still do.
00:33:03
Speaker
Apple cider, shout out to it. Apple juice, fuck you. ah Bro, it's a hot take. We're out in the woods? How is that hot? Apple cider so good. No, apple cider is good, but not apple juice.
00:33:15
Speaker
Yeah, apple just is gross. Nah, put some ah and fireball and some apple juice. Put some fireball and some apple cider. I bet you it's better. I mean, it is better. hot cider, dude? Come on. ah oh Anyways, we're out in the woods. Why are we in the woods? We're not even four.
00:33:29
Speaker
Like, why are we in the woods? You're bringing me to the priests. Yeah. um ah ah um And they, it was like after lunch and they brought the juice box that I didn't finish out into the woods. Like we were out there and do another nun comes out with the apple juice box.
00:33:49
Speaker
And was like, you didn't finish the fish. I'm out in woods. Fucking they're forced me to drink the apple juice. Oh my God. Um, it was torturous and I didn't make, this is real. My, my mom actually just found, I told you off pod that she's cleaned the attic out. She just found like a yearbook from that school.
00:34:04
Speaker
God, maybe this is why you don't like religion. I mean, it's part of it, but also God's not real. So what are we doing? It's true. And my sister went to Holy Trinity. So that's why military school was never really an option for us.
00:34:19
Speaker
They went the religion route. Yeah. Yeah. And my parents decided they didn't like our priest anymore. And we just stopped going all together, but but which I was, which I was a little boy. So what was going on?
00:34:30
Speaker
Yeah. What do you not remember? Right. Well, where? Yes. Are you a little loose back there? I wish I was. get shit bit easier. That's true. just fucking constipated all the time.
00:34:44
Speaker
um Joan, however, has not decided on sending Conrad to military school. um And we then find out the school is eight hours away. She's like, no.
00:34:56
Speaker
The phone starts ringing. His phone rings for a minute. yeah film me like there's A lot happens while his phone's ringing. um Don't hit him on the phone. That's you don't want to disturb.
00:35:07
Speaker
ah Conrad walks in and says he's not going to military school. And it's just him and Larry at this point because the mom walks off to not answer the phone, i guess. ah and And Larry's like, listen, I don't like you, Conrad, but I'm going to marry your mom. I'm going to rinse her the fuck out.
00:35:23
Speaker
OK. Yeah. And I am going to send you to to military school. And again, he's like, call me Lawrence. I'm going to use your mom's squirt as lube. All right. I'm going to drink it. I'm going to bottle it.
00:35:34
Speaker
bottle it Yeah, it's gross. And then he's like, he like grabs him and calls my little snot nose kid. And as Joan enters, he's like, oh, I just love this kid so much. he goes, I got to leave for an important conference in town.
00:35:48
Speaker
And you watch him walk out like doing like a military march and salute. ah So he leaves and Conrad tells Joan that Larry's a phony and she can't marry him. And the doorbell rings and And she still has not answered the phone.
00:36:02
Speaker
And it's Kate from Kate's Catering. Shout Kate. Shout out Kate. And Kate is a balding man ah who does catering.
00:36:12
Speaker
It's like, oh, where's Kate? I'm Kate. I'm Kate. Yeah. What's it to you? Yeah. but be Maybe I'm trans. That's an ugly trans person.
00:36:23
Speaker
That's 100% true. they Didn't do it right. Um... The next thing we see is Nevins eating the catering food off the table. The fuck, Nevins? And she finally answers the phone, and it's Mr. Humberflube who needs her to come back to the office, or else she's...
00:36:47
Speaker
So she calls Mrs. Kwan to come and babysit, and they're pissed about that, ah Conrad and Sally. Kwan? And she's an old, lethargic fat lady.
00:37:00
Speaker
i like I like when she opens the door. She's like, hi, Mrs. Kwan. She's like, hi. i
00:37:09
Speaker
Hi. She tells, Joan tells Mrs. Kwan that Conrad's grounded and she lays out the rules. um And there's really no rules that pertain to Sally because Sally's like a well-behaved angel. It is like how she's portrayed.
00:37:23
Speaker
And she wanted rules. She's like, give me some rules, mom. And she's like, you know what? No chewing tobacco, which is all right. um But the big rule, the big, big rule, you can't break. No going in the living room.
00:37:36
Speaker
Living room is off limits. No one sets foot in the living room or else. Uh, comrade, he's like, what's going to happen if I go in the living room? Are you gonna send me to military school? She's like, maybe I will.
00:37:48
Speaker
And he's like, well, I wish I had a different mom. So, like you know what? Sometimes I wish that too. And she leaves. Uh, and she's oh fuck, probably shouldn't have said that. And then she looks at her watch and she's like, you know what? I'm running late. I got to go. Yeah, fuck it. don't care.
00:38:02
Speaker
Uh, we cut inside where, uh, the kids and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. They're watching taiwanese parliament and they're fighting i don't know what if this is supposed to like be something funny for 2003 it is funny just because it's random but i don't know if there's like actual any like social commentary on this they're beat each other up and mrs quad's like yeah you tell him wait john no big government it's just random as fuck um she falls asleep and it starts to rain uh
00:38:37
Speaker
Which the narrator is saying, and it started to rain, is something I hear in my head whenever it's raining. Really? I swear, like, all the time I hear that fucking sound. That's awesome.
00:38:47
Speaker
It's kind of random, isn't it? Rent free my head. um And they hear a bump, which it sounds like it came from the closet. um So Conrad opens the door slowly, and he gets sucked in.
00:39:00
Speaker
Conrad's getting sucked. um And Ty's like, hey, you fucking around there? Get out there. ah And she throws he throws a big stuffed animal at her like a jump scare.
00:39:13
Speaker
And Comrade jokes that she was so scared. Oh, and she's like, I thought you saw a monster in there. And they turn around and there is the cat. All in his glory.
00:39:25
Speaker
And they run. Why? Okay. Why does the cat in the hat have like a New York accent? I don't know. Well, because it's funny.
00:39:36
Speaker
What would you prefer?
00:39:39
Speaker
Not German. well if That would be good. You know, if he was like, send the kids to their rooms. That would be that'll be awesome. That would be a big rut row. If he was Iraqi, right, would it be pussy in a headpiece?
00:39:57
Speaker
Pussy in a turban? Yeah. ah Pussy in a balaclava? Yeah. ah ah That is funny.
00:40:09
Speaker
So they run and they hide in this closet, which is under the staircase. Shout out Harry Potter. now um ah We hope you guys have been enjoying those episodes because they're out at this point. ah We're coming off the tales of order of the Phoenix, which is a wild fucking episode.
00:40:23
Speaker
So they hide the closet and they, and I think Sally says it looks like a humongous cat and the cat turns the light on and he says, I prefer big boned, which is hilarious.
00:40:35
Speaker
And they run and they hide under Sally's bed and he's already there. um Like they look like some kind of monster.
00:40:45
Speaker
Uh, Sally asked where he came from and he's like, when a mommy cat and a daddy cat, I just like, no, no, no. Like, where'd you come from? He's like, I fucking drove here. Yeah.
00:40:57
Speaker
Um, and he surfs down the stairs with ease. Um, and he sees a picture of their mom and he has the hots for her and you hear that boy, a young sound, uh, which is hilarious. And his hat extends like a fucking hard cock.
00:41:13
Speaker
It's great. He's like humming a humming a humming a humming a, um, and he sits on the babysitter, um, which is like a play on words.
00:41:24
Speaker
Who is this incredibly uncomfortable woman? Um, And they he hangs her up in the closet. Literally just grabs a fucking coat hanger. And it makes a joke. that He's like.
00:41:39
Speaker
i All right. he's like He's like, they pay her to sit on babies? I'll do that for free. Yeah. um The cat pulls out the fun-o-meter, which measures how fun you are.
00:41:53
Speaker
And Sally initially lands on serial arsonist, which hilarious. Because can definitely see that. ah And he taps on the glass a little bit and it lands on control freak.
00:42:04
Speaker
um Conrad gets rule breaker slash bed wetter, which is fucking hilarious. a Conrad's like, tap it. The cat's like, listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer.
00:42:16
Speaker
It ain't changing. Ain't going to change. ah has he has two solutions for this. ah One is a series of painful shots to the abdomen and the kneecap or a musical number.
00:42:29
Speaker
And Sally asked how many shots, which was funny as fuck in the moment. I laughed ass off. And he's like, how many shots? Aren't you precious? Then he like tail whips her.
00:42:41
Speaker
They get help a lot in this movie. They do. He turns on some John in his hat that starts like making. He has like a CD player in his hat. Right.
00:42:53
Speaker
And he does a musical number and then has a hairball. um The family fish then comes all to life. And he's like, we got to stop all this.
00:43:06
Speaker
And he freaks out there's a cat in their house. um And they the cat's like, don't listen to him. He drinks where he pees. Which is valid. That is pretty valid, dude. um And there's a whole musical number ah about fun, fine fun, fun, fun.
00:43:22
Speaker
And he's like... He's dressed up as a belly dancer, bro. Yeah, he's got like a straight belly dancer. Coconut bra, and he's like shaking his tits. it's He's got a pineapple on his head, but he's a swinger. It's like out of control.
00:43:35
Speaker
He's then dressed as a bullfighter for part of it. ah When the musical number ended, ah the cats are... The cats. The kids are very impressed. I forgot what he says, but he calls the fish Shamu, which really got me. Yeah. um Also, he like...
00:43:53
Speaker
Every time he, like, talks to Conrad, he, like, says some different name for him. I have them written down, like, convex. yeah Yeah, it's hilarious. Concrete, yeah. um He's like, I better be going now. And they beg him to stay. he goes, all right.
00:44:07
Speaker
And he pulls out a contract, which is, like, hilariously big. And his lawyers show up. And they're like, who who are those guys? Like, they're my lawyers. um Magical time-traveling elves.
00:44:21
Speaker
Okay, they're my lawyers. um and they can have all the fun they want if they sign the contract without anything bad happening um and he has him initial a initial bunch of times and then as he's scrolling through the contract his new certificate shows up out of nowhere i never noticed that as a kid but when i saw that i thought it died it's such a great watch as an adult because like is it gonna hold up i had no idea what to expect for this movie yeah um The cat goes into the living room and Conrad says they can't be in there because their mom does not want them jumping on the couch.
00:44:55
Speaker
This is where we get the bit where he dressed up as a mechanic and he works on the couch like it's a car. um and It's like fake skin, ash cheeks stick out.
00:45:08
Speaker
And he pulls out from underneath the couch or like in the couch, an oversized tennis racket yeah and a ah like ah like a car jack. And he's working on the the couch when Simba, not Simba, autocorrected.
00:45:24
Speaker
I think it's Simba, right? yeah Simba the elephant lives in this lives in this couch. His trunk pops up. And he has to like fight to like put this elephant back in the couch. beating the fuck of his elephant trunk.
00:45:39
Speaker
ah Then he works on the couch like it's a car. um And then he starts jumping on the couch. And it's like weird jumping. like It's like... No gravity jumping almost.
00:45:50
Speaker
Yeah, it's like extra bouncy. um Conrad joins in jumping.
00:45:59
Speaker
And they're like begging ah Sally to join in. And the fish shows flashbacks of like the mom being like no jumping on the couch. um And then the cat just throws the fish in the toilet bowl, which fucking funny as shit.
00:46:12
Speaker
This is where they buried my brother.
00:46:16
Speaker
Sally joins in and right as she joins in, Larry walks in the house and the cat is gone. And Sally tells Larry that she was telling Conrad to get up the couch. And Larry's like, nobody likes a suck up.
00:46:31
Speaker
um We then see the cat on the ceiling who's scratching his ass and all the hair starts falling and it floats around Larry who's allergic to cats um and he starts sneezing and he leaves.
00:46:45
Speaker
I'm not going to lie. There's some pretty pretty convincing sneezing by one Alec Baldwin.
00:46:53
Speaker
He's a good sneezer. But he's like do it he's not like achoo. It's like uff. Uff. It's like cumming. Right. Um, so he leaves and then Sally ah tells the cat that she wants to make cupcakes.
00:47:08
Speaker
And this is honestly, I think my favorite part of the movie. This is great. This is fucking hilarious. Um, and it, we cut and it's likely to see like a Martha Stewart TV show. Yeah. Like and the the cat is dressed up like Martha Stewart.
00:47:21
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Uh, and it's like they're on, it's like, um, QV said they're unveiling a new, like, they're trying to sell them the new product, which is the Cupcakeinator.
00:47:32
Speaker
The Cupcakeinator. Can we just be honest? He's talking in the Shrek voice here. Yeah, he is. The voice is completely Shrek. um And they go, the what?
00:47:44
Speaker
The Cupcakeinator. They do that a couple times. And then he's like, I'll kill you and make it look like it was accident. Because they just keep saying the what? Yeah. um And this Cupcakeinator makes cupcakes out of anything.
00:47:56
Speaker
anything. ah And he puts in eggs, hot dogs, and a fire extinguisher. And then the deleted scenes is like, more eggs for some reason. it's like
00:48:11
Speaker
ah um And then he puts the whole like device in the oven. And he's like, we're just minutes away from cupcakes and the Martha Stewart cat. There's two cats at this point.
00:48:23
Speaker
Yeah. One's like a British, like, One's doing this Shrek voice and one is doing um like a Martha Stewart impression. And she's like, that's impossible. And he's like, you're not wrong.
00:48:36
Speaker
You're also stupid. And you're ugly, just like your mom. It's fucking crazy.
00:48:42
Speaker
And then the Martha Stewart cat is like, did you just call my mom stupid? And he's like, I will end you with a butcher knife. And he cuts off his own tail. um And Sally's like, cat, your tail What about it?
00:48:58
Speaker
He picks it up and seizes it in half, which is where you get my a sound that's stuck, has lived in my mind rent-free since I ever watched this movie. Oh, me too. He's like, oh!
00:49:10
Speaker
we can say fuck the podcast. We've said worse. um The next scene is him jokingly might sue, which is funny. um And
00:49:22
Speaker
Conrad's worried about the oven. And he calls him Conrack or Condor. He's like Conrack Condor. um and the oven explodes with purple goo everywhere.
00:49:35
Speaker
is its look It's like, you know, if Grimace came, you know? That's actually accurate. Yeah. um Sally tells the cat to clean up the mess and he uses the mom, Joan's dress, which we didn't mention Joan's dress the beginning them at the film, but this dress she's planning on wearing for the meet and greet.
00:49:53
Speaker
So it's like a very important dress. No, stop The cat starts using the the the dress. um And he makes this joke. I don't know if i get it still. He said it was ruined when she bought it. Does that mean she got plowed out in it? Yeah.
00:50:06
Speaker
I don't think so. I think it was just ugly from the beginning. Okay. Cat then pushing this big red crate where we meet Thing 1 and Thing 2. This was really funny.
00:50:17
Speaker
um Thing 2...
00:50:20
Speaker
He's like, Thing 2 just because he's 2 does not mean he's inferior. Inferior, sorry. um And you can call him Thing A, Thing King, Super King, Chocolate Thunder, or Ben.
00:50:36
Speaker
um And then he says that Thing 1 says that Thing 1 is Thing 1 for a reason, and some people just get used to it. That shit is so funny. You never realize that. Just because thing too doesn't mean I'm inferior. As kid, you're going to have no idea what they're joking about.
00:50:52
Speaker
it's actually it's I feel like it's so smart. um The crate starts to swell and we start hearing voices. Um, and Conrad goes to open the crate and cat and the cat's like convex.
00:51:05
Speaker
You don't want to do that. Um, and this is the trans dimensional trans portalator, ah which is a doorway that leads into his world. Uh, and then Conrad pult points out that it has a made in the Philippines sticker, which is just so fucking funny.
00:51:21
Speaker
Yeah. Made in the Philippines. Um, Uh, and he says that he has one rule, which is to not open the crate. ah He locks up this cool looking crab. It's like a little, yeah Yeah, that's what it is. It's a fucking crab.
00:51:33
Speaker
Exactly. Comes to life and then it goes like. Right. Yeah. They get rid of the stains. Uh, and Ma and the, cause they asked the things to do it.
00:51:44
Speaker
Uh, they get rid of the stains in Jones dress, but the stains moved to the couch. Then they moved to the curtains. Then they on the walls from the window to the walls. Yeah.
00:51:55
Speaker
And then they're essentially thing one and thing two are just like destroying this house. And Sally and Conrad try to catch the things with nets. um Conrad then picks the crab lock and the crab then latches onto Nevins.
00:52:12
Speaker
ah And the cat is talking to ah mrs Kwan. And that was also, we didn't say the Quan button was Gerald's call. a Good pull. Yeah, you're welcome.
00:52:23
Speaker
The cat sees that the crate is open and he asked Conrad, but he calls him Klondike. Hey, Klondike. What happened to the crate? ah And they find out here that ah the things only do the opposite.
00:52:38
Speaker
So you to tell them the opposite. Also, there was ah there was a really... I think they should have kept it in. There wass a deleted scene, like when he's sitting with Mrs. Kwan here. And he's like... He's just talking to her. He looks at her. He's like, you know, one time I got my thing stuck in a door.
00:52:52
Speaker
i know. I wrote that down. It's so funny. It's so funny. They should have kept that in. So they throw Nevins out the window... And he's like, don't try to catch him or something.
00:53:03
Speaker
But he gets yeeted out the window. ah And I forgot what the context of the dialogue is, but the cat calls Conrad a Kojak. <unk>t There's another one for you?
00:53:16
Speaker
um He points out that the the crate is ah leaking goo, and the party starts in four hours. um And now they're like, what do we do? Because we have the cat, but also Nevins is gone, and we have to lock this crate.
00:53:31
Speaker
So Conrad wants to go find Nevins, and Sally wants to call Mom. And the cat has like a keyboard, and it's like the dun-dun. Dun.
00:53:41
Speaker
She was funny. He's like, we can commit murder. dun, dun. I'm just joking. He's like, we should probably go get the dog. um And they decide they need something heavy to put on top of the crate to weigh it down it doesn't open any further. And they use Mrs. Kwan.
00:54:02
Speaker
um We cut to Larry, who's in his apartment, and he lets go of his corset, which reveals his big fat gut. And he also has t fake teeth.
00:54:13
Speaker
And he sits down to watch some TV, and these guys come in and watch him. I don't know. i have no idea. Might as well be. Because she's like moaning. She's like, uh? That would be crazy they were showing porn in a kid's movie.
00:54:26
Speaker
don't think so, but... um But his TV gets repoed. and like he's fucking pissed i mean this guy's so poor he gets his t i mean yeah like if you but if you get a tv from like a rena center you know okay that's getting repoed um and he sees nevin's running on the street and he calls joan little fucking rat tells her that the kids have lost nevin's again and he tries her again with the military school but she ain't hearing it right now fucking working um We cut to the kids with with the cat and they find Nevins in the yeah neighbor's yard with the neighbor's dog who's named Frank.
00:55:05
Speaker
Shout out Frank. um And they sneak around it's like and it's like the dum-dum-dum-dum. um And it's being played on the cat's whisker, which is kind of funny. um And the cat's like, I'll go Nevins. I can hop the fence. And he goes to run and jump over the fence and he's unable to get over.
00:55:25
Speaker
And the kids help push him over. um And he stands up with a hoe. And he's like, okay, Nevins, time to die. He's like, Voldemort?
00:55:35
Speaker
Yeah. And Nevins runs off and they're pissed. And Conrad's like, you lost Nevins, cat. And the kids run off chasing Nevins.
00:55:46
Speaker
And you get one of the most infamous, famous jokes in the in the movie. Dirty hoe. I'm sorry, baby. I love you. fucking I quote that so much. Dirty ho. For no reason.
00:56:02
Speaker
um They follow Nevins into another yard. and this is Denise's yard. She used to be one of Sally's friends. And she's having a birthday party.
00:56:13
Speaker
And Sally was not invited. maybe because you're a fucking psychopath. You control freak.
00:56:22
Speaker
And the kids in the birthday party inside get let out outside and they have to hide. And the cat hides as a pinata while Sally and Conrad are hiding in the bushes. um And they all take turns beating the shit out of the cat. um And this one, it's like all girls and there's like one like special needs dude.
00:56:41
Speaker
Yeah. Who whacks the shit out of him in the nards. And he finally lets out a stream. And all the like, why is this pinata streaming? And he does like this weird cut where he's like, in like a bonnet, and he's like, oh, right.
00:56:57
Speaker
He's like, now it's easy, easy like Sunday morning. forgot about that. yeah um Conrad throws some candy out from the actual pinata, and they escape, and the cat wants to fucking nail this kid with the baseball bat, and Nevins, they're like, no, don't do that.
00:57:17
Speaker
um Nevins has ran off this point. ah Joan, we cut to Joan who calls the house and Mrs. Kwan answers the phone.
00:57:28
Speaker
ah And Thing 1 and Thing 2 are dressed up as the kids. And she's like, oh, everything's great. And they hang up.
00:57:38
Speaker
And Thing 1 and Thing 2 puppeteer ah Mrs. Kwan back over the crate. um We cut back to the kids and and ah the cat And the cat's like, we're on a search and destroy mission.
00:57:53
Speaker
And Conrad's like, rescue. It's rescue. when not killing the dog. um And they see Larry pick up Nevins. um And he drives off.
00:58:06
Speaker
And they have to they have to get back before Larry gets back, I think is the goal. Right. um Can we please get done, Don? Can we please get done, Don?
00:58:19
Speaker
Um, and the cat's like, let's take my car, which looks like a Hummer, but it's a car. It's a weird looking car. And it's acronym is slow.
00:58:30
Speaker
I didn't write down what s slow stood for. It's very long, but he's like, it's better than the last one we had, which was shit. Um, the acronym was shit. Um, we cut and see Nevin's peon Larry's taco.
00:58:47
Speaker
Oh, he whizzed on my taco.
00:58:54
Speaker
The kids and the cat are in pursuit and the cat runs a red light and the fish suggests that this someone else should drive. ah This is where he calls Conrad a concrete.
00:59:06
Speaker
And he's like, yeah, concrete can drive. ah And then Sally wants drive. So there's two wheels and then the cat also gets a wheel. So there's not three of them are all steering a wheel to this car.
00:59:18
Speaker
Um, Conrad asked about the brakes. It was kind of corny a little bit. Uh, and the cat pulls the brakes out of the car. it Like, yeah, I think you got a problem with your brakes.
00:59:30
Speaker
Uh, and they pull onto a one way street where you're about to hit a truck. And, ah the cat points out that the license plate is from Rhode Island. He's like, you never see that. yeah So funny. Hey, look, a Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.
00:59:46
Speaker
And they swerve and crash, but they see Larry going into Joan's office with Nevins. um And the cat has three plans of what they should do.
00:59:57
Speaker
The first plan is they should clean up the house perfectly. And for some reason, my my keyboard autocorrected to black. I don't know why.
01:00:10
Speaker
ah Plan B is cut your losses and ditch the kids. And plan C is trick mom's boyfriend and get the dog. And like what we should obviously do C. Cut your losses and ditch the kids.
01:00:25
Speaker
Um... So the cat dresses up as a hippie and asks Larry to sign his petition to save the Zomzuru. Zomzuru. It's like a weird looking... you know. It's like a dragon.
01:00:39
Speaker
And he asks Larry to sign with a large oversized pen that you have to use with two hands. It's so fucking stupid. And he's like, can you please hold my dog? And he's like, uh, actually...
01:00:52
Speaker
I don't like the word dog. All right. I prefer canine American. That's just so funny. That's so funny. starts singing. He's like, how much is that canine American in the window? um But Larry does end up handing him the dog and the cat just runs off with the dog and leaves him there with the pen and the the petition.
01:01:17
Speaker
And they go into a club, which is like in a, what is this? Yeah, you know where like a John where they like advertise things? It's like a killer with advertisements, but there's a door. It's like a secret rave.
01:01:34
Speaker
And this is where we see ah Paris Hilton, who's a hot blonde, and the cat loses his hat. And for some reason, they're all wearing the same kind of hat. What a coincidence.
01:01:47
Speaker
Oh, I farted. Um...
01:01:51
Speaker
Larry goes to tell Joan what's going on and then runs after the kids. Uh, and they see him slide down this pole into this rave. Hey, don't, um, they go to hide from the cat from the cat.
01:02:06
Speaker
They go to hide from Larry and the cat realizes he has the wrong hat on. Um, um, And they're like, what do we do And Conrad asks the things not to help them.
01:02:18
Speaker
So the car pulls up. That's smart. And they are hijack Larry's car. ah We come back to the house and the crate is ever expanding all over this house. There's fucking goo everywhere.
01:02:31
Speaker
fucking come. We come back to the kids who are driving and they ask they had to beat they had to beat Joan and Larry back to the house and they ask them not to slow down ah Joan and Larry and and they pull over, so the things pull over Larry and Joan.
01:02:53
Speaker
And this is the scene that I text you about that I was losing my shit at this. You get the... It's just so funny. I was saying that all day after watched that scene.
01:03:05
Speaker
ah hot my just so funny i was saying that all day after the after i watched that scene They're all hot mama. Mecca, you're a hot mama.
01:03:18
Speaker
Um, so they're stuck there cause they're getting pulled over. And when she hands him the registration, he just eats the registration. sho it is balance And then the other one's like, try to like give him the Heimlich maneuver or something. yeah e He brutality. So funny.
01:03:35
Speaker
police brutality
01:03:39
Speaker
so funny um
01:03:44
Speaker
And the kids pass by and I wrote Conrad, but it's Larry who pursues on a cop on one on the cop bike. And they meet at the front door and they're like, we can't go inside, we can't go inside. and they go inside and the the house is completely clean.
01:04:03
Speaker
where This is where the cat reveals himself to Larry and he's like, hey, and Larry starts sneezing and he falls because the it's like a facade. It's a wallpaper of the house and he falls through his clean house into a fucking off a cliff into some purple goo. It's like it. Oh, you know, it's like the abyss, the abyss.
01:04:26
Speaker
ah We see Mrs. Kwan pass by on a log flume. But she is the log and they decide they're going to ride, ride Mrs. Kwan pause. Yo.
01:04:39
Speaker
um And they asked the cat where the crate is, but he don't know because he got the wrong hat on. So he's just an average six foot cat. That's valid. I see that a lot.
01:04:51
Speaker
They go by the bathroom, which is just a toilet that's like on fire. He's like, I suggest you hold it.
01:04:57
Speaker
ah Conrad's really enjoying this log flume ride, and it like pauses for the cat to plug Universal Studios. He's like, this is just like an amusement park. He's like, you mean at Universal Studios?
01:05:09
Speaker
And he has like a flyer. yeah He's like, ka-ching. Um, this is where they, we cut back to Joan who still pulled over and, uh, thing one is giving thing to the Heimlich and he's like, police brutality.
01:05:23
Speaker
That shit got me so good. Um, we cut back and, uh, the cat has a picture and it's saying, I survived the Kwan and his eyes are closed and he's mad about that. Oh, can we do it again? My eyes were closed.
01:05:39
Speaker
So they find the crate, which has like a vortex coming out of it, and they try to shut the crate. um And Sally gets sucked into this vortex, and Conrad has to let go of Sally to close the crate and lock it with the ah crab jaw that was on Nevins.
01:05:58
Speaker
um And they're able to do that. And Sally falls to the ground. The house reverts back to its regular self and then completely collapses like from the inside out. yeah um And we see Larry get shot out of a pipe in the back of the house covered in purple goo.
01:06:15
Speaker
um Sticky. Conrad and Sally are pissed that the house is a wreck. And they ask cat like, oh, the cat's like, what are you going to do?
01:06:27
Speaker
And he offers him to play tennis and tennis balls come out of his hat. ah And fuck this one of my favorite yeah like he's like, oh, love that new ball smell.
01:06:41
Speaker
And they're like, wait, so your hat is still magic? um And the cat admits that he had the whole day planned. His hat was magic. um But cutting off his tail was not planned.
01:06:53
Speaker
um And they're pissed. So they tell him get out. And they say he doesn't know when enough is enough. ah So the cat leaves and Conrad and Sally both are like, I'll take the blame.
01:07:08
Speaker
um But it is equal. It's both their faults. ah The door opens and they're expecting it be their mom. But it's the cat on a machine jawn, which is called the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractor Majigger, a.k.a.
01:07:23
Speaker
dirt.
01:07:26
Speaker
um The cat then references... ah The contract, Section 8, Article 93, subparagraph 834 that says Conrad, a.k.a. Concrete, opens the crate.
01:07:40
Speaker
The contract is null and void because he we all knew Conrad wasn't going to fucking listen. Exactly. um He then says the Contract then says, however, if they learn from their mistakes, the contract is renewed.
01:07:55
Speaker
i just don't get what Sally's mistake is. Because she follows the rules. Like, is the whole thing, like, let loose? Yeah. Then she eventually becomes a rule breaker.
01:08:09
Speaker
They clean the house with this dirt machine. um And they check the funimeter again. And it's just right. Um, and he tells Conrad to lay off the sauce, uh, or the so the, the, and, uh, what's her name to lay off the cigars, which was in the deleted scene. So it makes sense. You watch the deleted scenes, right? But lay off the cigars. It really makes sense.
01:08:31
Speaker
Uh, they thank him and he says, add you. And, uh, as Joan walks in the front door, the cat goes out the back door. Um, and Larry walks in covered in goo and tells her, her children are demonic.
01:08:44
Speaker
Um, But the mom believes Conrad. So basically he gets dumped because he looks like a fucking psychopath. He's covered in goose saying there's a ginormous cat and our children are demons.
01:08:56
Speaker
And he sneezes. It's like purple snot in his hands. It's disgusting. Gross, but very good practical effects. Yeah. Uh, we cut to the, the party that night going very well.
01:09:10
Speaker
Um, and you can make cupcakes at anything. Duh. Um, And she asked what they did today, and then they cut to them just jumping on the couch. And that is the end of the movie.
01:09:24
Speaker
That is Cat in the Hat. There are a couple more ah outtakes we can go over because they're funny. Sure. Um, the cigar one I already referenced, got my things caught in the door. It's fucking hilarious.
01:09:38
Speaker
Uh, there's, there's a scene where they're sitting outside when, they're watching Larry pick up Nevins and you see the cat like go down to lick his like cock.
01:09:49
Speaker
Yeah. And he come back. gu He's like, I do that because I can. ah That's so funny. ah is i mean, they should have left that in. um And then the last one, instead of the cop thing, like for them pulling over Joan, they have like a a set of like pills that they put in a martini shaker and that causes like whatever. Like there's one like for a flood.
01:10:15
Speaker
Yeah. But one of the pills was called explosive diarrhea. Just like give them explosive diarrhea and not be able to leave. I mean, I'm um um happy they didn't go the flood route. I was kind of... No, I like the... Like I said, this is fucking...
01:10:28
Speaker
make a decker li This shit cracks me up. You're a hot mama. You're a hot mama. Suck your titties. Um, and then I did watch the, how they did the cat and the ears and the hat and the tail were all remote control.
01:10:47
Speaker
Kind of cool. That's sick. Pretty sick. Um, do you want to give your rating or I'll give my rating? Uh,
01:10:58
Speaker
I'll give mine first. Hey, yo, Criterion sale just went live. Ruh-roh. Yeah. you get Salo. um Hey, yo.
01:11:09
Speaker
Sorry. sorry ah So I gave this movie. Do it. Don't be a coward. Bump it up. I gave it four and a half.
01:11:20
Speaker
I went full five. Full five? Don't be a coward. Give it five stars. this movie This movie makes jokes. that You can give them four. It's fine. ah This movie makes jokes in 2003 that are still funny in 2005. And if you can do that,
01:11:35
Speaker
It's timeless. It's a W. It's what it is. It's a timeless movie. I was watching movie cracking up. I mean, I was just dying watching this movie. And we've always said on this podcast, and I kind of realized this the first one we've done.
01:11:47
Speaker
Comedies are hard to do scene-by-scenes of because they don't do it justice. And this is technically like the first comedy we've done. Yeah. So do yourself favor. ah Watch it. If you haven't seen it.
01:11:58
Speaker
The average lady on average. Start over. The average rating on Letterboxd is 2.6. That's fucking wrong. Okay? And if you look at it, there's like, it's all over the place.
01:12:11
Speaker
Oh, yeah. It's all over. Shout to the 34K that rated it five star. That's the correct answer. And if you guys, ah as of February 10th, this is streaming on Netflix.
01:12:24
Speaker
Did you watch on Netflix? watched the disc? I watched the disc. Because I bought that cat in the hat like FYE days, and it's just been on my shelf. So I like, let me watch this. Yeah. It is also funny. I like this movie so much that I was sitting on my couch afterwards, like pulling the sounds for the soundboard, and it started again, and I watched like about half of it over again because it's just so funny.
01:12:46
Speaker
It's like it's criminally underrated. The set design. all the one, all the one liners are just so funny. And it's hot. Like I said, it's hard to give it justice doing a scene by scene.
01:12:57
Speaker
Um, but for some reason you haven't seen this movie or you haven't seen it since you were a kid, give it another shot. Yeah. There's like memes of like this being like a five star movie, but it's actually that good.
01:13:10
Speaker
It's great. I, I think it's aged very well. I was scared to rewatch it, but it's funny. Um, Yeah, I think that'll do it for
Closing and Next Week's Teaser
01:13:23
Speaker
Cat in the Hat. We'll do a...
01:13:25
Speaker
love So, follow us on Instagram, 2Guys1ScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to 2Guys1ScreenPod at gmail.com.
01:13:37
Speaker
Follow us on TikTok for the clips. Follow us on YouTube for the clips. Follow us on Letterboxd. And if you're feeling so inclined, send us a voicemail to 5088-FISTUS.
01:13:47
Speaker
a fita 5088-DIP-TIP. And all that will be linked in the description. Tip, tip. That was an Ugly God song.
01:13:59
Speaker
Pip, pip, cheerio. Typically, I'd plug the fuck out of Harry Potter, but it's up and live at this point. We out here. um We'll see you guys next week.
01:14:10
Speaker
Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.