Transcript
Speaker: Hi friends, this is Lisette Ostrander and this is my kind of pleasure podcast where we will explore topics of sex, pleasure, desire, mindset, and emotions and use the information learned to live the life we want and have the sex we want.
Speaker: Thank you for joining me today. It's so great to have you here. This is episode 13. Today, I want to talk to you about sexual mindsets and two concepts that I've been exploring this week, sexual growth mindset and sexual destiny mindset.
Speaker: and how having these mindsets impact our sex life and our sexual satisfaction. I will also share with you a tool on how to be more intentional with your thoughts and beliefs so you can try to retrain your brain to have more empowering mindsets.
Speaker: First, I wanna start off with a message and a reminder we all need to hear since we live in a culture where messages of sex and sexuality are distorted and the messaging we receive leads to a lot of sexual dysfunction. So my message is great sex doesn't just happen, great sex grows. We all have the ability to be intentional and pursue truly great sex, deep and meaningful sex.
Speaker: There's no magic formula or set of quick tips, tricks, and positions to make that happen. We are all on a lifelong journey and the repertoire of what is possible regarding sex will continue to expand if we are intentional and choose to pursue it. And it's totally okay if we don't choose to pursue it.
Speaker: Sex is learned and a key part of learning is the unlearning of unconscious programming that we've picked up along the way and choosing to reprogram it. And finally, as Sherri Winston, author of Women's Anatomy of Arousal says, sex is a journey and practice makes progress.
Speaker: I think we all needed to hear this and we all need to hear this more often. Our beliefs and our mindset when it comes to sex is so key. And this is something that I've known, but it wasn't until prepping for this episode this week that I learned the term sexual growth mindset. And before I dive in, I want to give some background on growth mindset.
Speaker: The concept of growth mindset versus fixed mindset came out of the research by Carol Dweck out of Stanford University. And growth mindset is a way of viewing challenges and setbacks. So people who have a growth mindset believe that even when they struggle with certain things that their abilities aren't set in stone. They think that with work,
Speaker: an effort that their skills can improve over time, and people with the opposite belief, a fixed mindset, believe that their abilities won't change. So they think their skills won't improve no matter how hard they try.
Speaker: And someone with a fixed mindset, they avoid challenges, ignore feedback. They're threatened by other success. They desire to look smart. They can give up easily. And as I mentioned, they believe in these fixed abilities. So Carol Dweck found that promoting growth mindset in an educational environment increased student achievement.
Speaker: So as with everything, mindsets are not set in stone and people might have a growth mindset at a certain time or for certain areas of their life and then they might have a fixed mindset at other times or other areas of their life.
Speaker: So a lot of research has been inspired by the work of Carol Dweck and different researchers and psychologists have explored the role of mindset in other areas of life, such as health and fitness and passion at work and romantic relationships and sex. And this brings us to sexual growth mindset. Sexual growth mindset is the attitude that people can learn to be better lovers over time.
Speaker: Also, people with sexual growth mindsets believe that sexual satisfaction fluctuates, so it may start off really strong, or it might not start off really strong, but they also believe that sexual satisfaction can be maintained or improved with effort. And the other end of the spectrum is sexual destiny mindset.
Speaker: and sexual destiny mindset focuses on the belief that sexual compatibility is instant and it reflects the overall sustained suitability of their partner.
Speaker: The idea that the natural compatibility between sexual partners is the key factor that allows the couple to maintain sexual satisfaction. So that means when there are any struggles within a relationship, that can signal that the relationship is on its way to failing or destined to fail.
Speaker: And in my research, I came across this psychologist out of New Zealand, Jessica Maxwell, who conducted a study and designed a set of scales, so a set of questions that measured sexual destiny mindset and sexual growth mindset. So in the show notes below, I'm gonna put the different questions so you can take a look and start to reflect on your own mindset.
Speaker: And again remember mine sets are not set in stone there may be areas there may be things that you have. More of a growth mindset about and there may be other areas you have more of a sexual destiny mindset.
Speaker: So definitely check that out below. Just to give you a couple examples, someone with a sexual destiny mindset, so that's the more fixed mindset, they would agree with statements such as, if sexual partners are meant to be together, sex will be easy and comfortable.
Speaker: So someone with a sexual destiny mindset would agree with that. Another thing that they would agree with is it is clear right from the start how satisfying a couple's sex life will be over the course of their relationship. On the other hand, a sexual growth mindset, someone with that would agree with statements such as making compromises for a partner is part of a good sexual relationship.
Speaker: They would also agree with a satisfying sexual relationship is partly a matter of learning to resolve sexual differences with a partner. Definitely take a moment, pause, rewind, listen to those questions again and think about where do you fall on that? And again, check out the show notes below.
Speaker: I think our beliefs about sexuality become really important, especially during sexual challenges and life changes because it impacts how we respond to these difficulties and in turn our own sexual wellbeing. So for example, when couples face desire discrepancy, having different levels of desire, when someone
Speaker: is faced with a change in their own desire. They used to have more desire and now they don't have as much desire. Also, different life changes like transition to parenthood and illnesses.
Speaker: Our mindset, our sexual mindset really impacts how we respond to these difficulties and again, tune into our own sexual wellbeing. So it's not surprising that researchers found that people who have better sexual relationships and more sexual satisfaction, that they have a sexual growth mindset.
Speaker: Research also found that people's perception of their partner's mindset also played a role in their own sexual satisfaction. So when they believed that their partner had a fixed mindset, a sexual destiny mindset that sexual abilities are fixed and can't change, this tended to result in a higher
Speaker: insecurity or higher, they actually talk about higher sensitivity to sexual rejection, which totally makes sense. You know, believing that your partner has the belief that, you know, your sex life is set in stone and can't change can make
Speaker: someone feel unable to explore new activities in bed. They also might be less likely to bring up concerns or requests to try something different. What was also really interesting in the research, they talked about, you know, this impact of your perception of your partner's mindset, but they also found that a lot of people's perception of their partner's sexual mindset was incorrect.
Speaker: Again, also mindset also influence how people cope with low sexual desire and again, the communication between partners and their needs. There was a study published out of the Journal of Sex Research that found that women who had low desire and adopted a sexual growth mindset, that they tended to report better outcomes, more sexual satisfaction a year later.
Speaker: All of this research brought up a couple of things for me that I wanted to share. I think important takeaways. First, I think as we all know, in every area of our life, communication is so key and it's especially key to having a fulfilling sex life. I also think it brings up this idea of how important it is for us to communicate less rigid mindsets when it comes to sex.
Speaker: and send that signal to your partner so that they know you're a safe person to explore new activities with, to bring questions and concerns to you.
Speaker: And third, again, everything comes to mindset, right? It's so important that we are intentional with uncovering and exploring our own beliefs and mindsets and start this process of unlearning the unconscious programming that we have received over our lives.
Speaker: You know, our mindset work is at the heart of everything. And I know communication is key, but if we have a mindset that is based on limiting beliefs that we're not even aware of, limiting a negative and distorted beliefs that we're not even aware of, then communication can become distorted. You know, we might perceive a comment our partner says as being critical or an action our partner takes
Speaker: we might perceive it then as rejection instead of as an opportunity for sexual growth and expansion. And this is why it's so important that we start with ourselves and take time to uncover these beliefs and understand where we fall and what our sexual mindset is.
Speaker: I want to end this episode with sharing a tool that we can use to start exploring our mindset and also start creating some more positive mindsets in our life and also when it comes to sex and sexuality. So the tool is simple and it is asking empowering questions.
Speaker: I love some brain science, and I won't get into that today, but to keep things really simple, our brains are powerful problem -solving machines, and also our brains are designed to prove ourselves and our beliefs true.
Speaker: So if we believe something, our brains will find the evidence to make it true. Again, an awesome conversation to have for another day, but I'm going to leave you with that idea. So every day we ask ourselves questions and our brain goes to work searching for the answers to what we are presenting.
Speaker: but most of us are asking ourselves negative and disempowering questions. So for example, why can't I lose weight? Why isn't he calling? Why doesn't my child listen to me? Why is my boss acting this way? Why am I not having sex? Why don't I have desire for sex? If you ask yourself a negative question,
Speaker: Your brain is so powerful, you will get a slew of negative and defeating answers. And the reason is, the question when you frame it in the negative, why can't I lose weight? Why don't I have desire? The question incorporates a negative belief, and your brain will be sent to prove the negative belief correct. Again, your brain is a powerful tool. So what's the solution?
Speaker: asking empowering questions. So what does this look like? I'm going to take an example from the work of Dr. Peggy Klimplatz, who I, the author of Magnificent Sex, and I talk about her in episodes 8, 9, and 10, if you want to check that out.
Speaker: And Dr. Kleinplatz talks about if you're feeling low desire or no desire, instead of asking, what is wrong with me? Or why don't I have desire? Ask an empowering question such as, what is the kind of sex that is worth wanting? Also, Esther Perel, who I love, she also talks frequently about asking the question, what turns me on?
Speaker: So instead of saying, why don't I have this desire? Why don't I want to have sex? Reframe it, make it an empowering question. What turns me on? I'm also going to add to that, asking yourself, what brings me energy? What makes me feel alive? And you definitely will find that a lot of your answers might not even be directly connected to sex, but
Speaker: with everything in life, it does connect back to sex. So what brings you energy? What brings you alive? Another example, using something outside of sex, a disempowering question we might ask is, why does keeping my weight down have to be such a struggle for the rest of my life? And to change that to an empowering question, how can I end the struggle permanently and live without deprivation and pain?
Speaker: Asking that question, giving yourself time and space. You might not know the answer right away, but keep asking questions like that and your brain will find the answer and in a more empowering answer. So I recommend you do a couple of things. First, take a moment and identify the questions you ask yourself on a regular basis. I think things outside of sex and things when it comes to sex. Look at the show notes.
Speaker: Below, again, you can look at those statements about the sexual growth mindset. Start thinking, what are the questions that you ask yourself on a regular basis? Take all these questions, write them down, then decide if they are empowering, and if they aren't, change them immediately. Write down all your empowering questions about life and sex.
Speaker: And I really encourage you to find creative ways to look at these questions daily. So one way to do this is put the questions all in post -it notes and put it around your house so that you're passing by them every day. Or if you're not feeling comfortable doing that, writing them down in your agenda, putting reminders in your phone each day with a different question.
Speaker: just finding some creative way that you will come across these questions daily. And really, so you're going to see them, your brain's going to look at them, you might consciously or unconsciously start thinking of empowering answers, but then be intentional and pick a question every day to ask yourself.
Speaker: This is one tool out of an assortment of tools that you have in your toolbox. And it's something that I think we all need to start being really intentional and to live a life full of aliveness and pleasure and to strengthen our sexual growth mindset.
Speaker: I would love to hear some of the empowering questions that you come up with. Send me a direct message. Would love to hear creative ways that you can come across these questions daily. And I will soon share my empowering questions so that you can borrow if you need some inspiration. Thank you for joining me and I'll see you next week.
