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Episode 10: Unlearning, letting go and overcoming (Part 2: Mini Book Club: Magnificent Sex)
44 Plays2 years ago
In the first part of the book Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz and her team identified from the participant interviews, 8 components of magnificent sex. I talked about these components in episode 9.
The 2nd part of the book details the contributing factors leading to the 8 components..which are a combination of individual and relational factors.
For today, I am going to focus on the contributing factors of unlearning, letting go, and overcoming.
Learn more about Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz work and group therapy approach for no desire/ low desire: https://www.optimalsexualexperiences.com/
Learn more about My Kind of Pleasure Community and sign up to get notified when doors open Friday, April 14th: https://polished-scene-963.myflodesk.com/
Learn more about me and connect! https://linktr.ee/lisette.ostrander
Photo Credit: Audra Miller https://millerstudios.net/
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Theme
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi friends, this is Lisette Ostrander and this is my kind of pleasure podcast where we will explore topics of sex, pleasure, desire, mindset, and emotions and use the information learned to live the life we want and have the sex we want.
00:00:17
Speaker
Welcome to episode 10.
Celebrating Episode Milestone and Production Challenges
00:00:19
Speaker
It's a big achievement for me that this is my 10th episode. I'm really excited to start taking more time to add some music, to do some edits. And also, I think I'm going to clean out my hallway closet so I could start recording from there. You'll definitely hear some background noise today. I'm in San Francisco, and it's hard to find a room where you don't hear the street noise.
00:00:46
Speaker
Just a heads up about that.
Discussion on 'Magnificent Sex' by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz
00:00:49
Speaker
Again, welcome to episode 10, and this is part two of my mini book club for the book, Magnificent Sex, Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Dr. Peggy Klimplatz. And this book is based on the findings of the largest in-depth interview study ever conducted with people who are having extraordinary sex. There were 75% participants, and they were individuals and couples.
00:01:17
Speaker
who they identified as straight and LGBTQIA+, those that identified as quote-unquote vanilla and kinky, monogamous and consensually non-monogamous, and also those who identified as healthy and chronically ill. In the first part of the book,
Factors Contributing to Extraordinary Sexual Experiences
00:01:38
Speaker
Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz and her team identified from the participant interviews eight components of magnificent sex.
00:01:46
Speaker
And I talk about these components in episode nine. And the second part of the book details the contributing factors leading to the eight components, which are a combination of individual and relational factors. So examples of these individual and relational factors include being comfortable in one's own body and mutual trust. Some other contributing elements occurred prior to sexual activities. For example, taking a shower or
00:02:17
Speaker
ensuring that any interpersonal conflict had been resolved, or other contributing factors occurred during sexual activities, such as self-awareness while connecting with the other. For today, I am going to focus on the contributing factors of unlearning, letting go, and overcoming.
Unlearning Negative Sexual Messages
00:02:40
Speaker
For many, the first steps along the path to optimal sexual experiences involved unlearning much of what they had previously thought they knew about sex and sexuality. So this unlearning is the undoing of what they had learned from bad relationships, sexual, emotional, or physical abuse, or negative messaging from families, culture, and the media about sex and sexuality.
00:03:10
Speaker
Participants also talked about letting go and overcoming negative messages and past experiences and present circumstances to create the conditions that allowed them to experience optimal and extraordinary sex. The importance of letting go and overcoming was especially true for those who experienced a change in life due to circumstances, due to illness or injury.
Role of Self-compassion in Overcoming Shame and Guilt
00:03:39
Speaker
What I appreciated about the findings was that letting go and overcoming wasn't a requirement to create the conditions for optimal and extraordinary sex. And for many though, letting go and overcoming didn't mean fully getting past what they had experienced or what they currently were experiencing in order to have extraordinary sex.
00:04:07
Speaker
Instead, letting go and overcoming was equated with having a newfound compassion for oneself. Shame and guilt are so sneaky, and they seem to take a hold of us even when we feel that we've gotten past it. And some participants identified that their struggles with shame and guilt were a lifelong process, yet
00:04:32
Speaker
They now were able to have compassion for themselves in these moments. And that was the letting go and overcoming part. Shame and the idea of being able to be with shame and have compassion for ourselves is something that we will for sure explore in future episodes.
00:04:52
Speaker
Another thing that I appreciated about this book and the research findings was that Dr. Kleinplatz emphasized that no matter what you believe about yourself or the feeling that you have about your body or self or experiences you had in the past that the one thing that they were clear on was that if someone had
00:05:17
Speaker
had the intention and willingness to explore the route of optimal and extraordinary sex, that it is possible for them and that no past experience defined the person.
Individual Journeys to Sexual Fulfillment
00:05:30
Speaker
In terms of letting go and overcoming, the study found that each person had their own journey and unique circumstance or crossroad that prompted them to begin the letting go and overcoming process.
00:05:45
Speaker
also known as finding more compassion for oneself. Each person's moment was personal, so there is no way to give a formulaic answer as to what helped them let go, but what they all had in common was self-reflection as being a key part of the process. The book identifies many different contributing factors to create conditions for optimal sex,
00:06:12
Speaker
And each of the extraordinary lovers interviewed had their own unique combination of contributing factors, which then led them to experiencing extraordinary sex. And Dr. Kleinplatz compares extraordinary sex to reaching the top of a mountain and says that there are many different routes and pathways to the top so that no one route is correct.
00:06:40
Speaker
And for some, the route may involve letting go of early messages and unlearning. For some, it may involve learning to focus and center and observe and get comfortable with oneself. For some, it could start with within a relationship or for some, it starts with a sexual encounter. There is no right way.
Future Topics and Research Insights
00:07:05
Speaker
What she does talk about is that what is required is the choice to proceed up the mountain and the willingness to take on the challenges that arise. There are so many more ideas to explore and this is just the beginning. In a few episodes, I will talk more about desire and specifically low desire or no desire or desire discrepancy between couples.
00:07:30
Speaker
and share with you Dr. Kleinplatz's findings and approach to addressing this, which involves unlearning how we think about low or no desire and how desire isn't an indication that something is wrong with the person. So more coming soon on that. In the meantime, check out Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz's website, Optimal Sexual Experiences, and I'll link that below.
00:07:59
Speaker
And you can learn more about her work and her group therapy approach with couples who experience low or no sexual desire or desire discrepancy. And the approaches that she uses are based on the findings of this book, Magnificent Sex. Thank you again for tuning in. And I look forward to the next episode.
Community Launch and Upcoming Events
00:08:21
Speaker
Please reach out if you have any questions, comments or ideas you want me to explore.
00:08:26
Speaker
I am also opening the doors to my kind of pleasure community starting this Friday, April 14th. And I will post a mini episode this Friday with details and also send out an email to those who have signed up on my wait list. And again, I'll put that link below so you can sign up. So you make sure to get my email. And I'm also changing my launch party date to April 28th. And if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, I'll be sharing details about that shortly.
00:08:56
Speaker
Thank you again and chat soon.