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Episode 9: 8 components of magnificent sex ( mini-book club)
51 Plays2 years ago
In this episode, we will talk about what is extraordinary sex, and I will share with you the 8 components of extraordinary sex, based on the findings of Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz's study (from the book Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lover). I will end this episode by sharing some of my key takeaways and reflections on how we can start to be more intentional with creating conditions for extraordinary sex in our lives. In episode 10, I will continue with this theme of how to be more intentional with creating conditions for extraordinary sex and becoming an extraordinary lover and share Dr. Kleinplatz's findings for doing so.
Learn more about the 8 components & Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz's work:
Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz is the Director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences Research Team at the University of Ottawa. https://www.optimalsexualexperiences.com/
EP212 - Becoming an Extraordinary Lover with Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mtiy12JVHE
My Kind of Pleasure Community- soft launch April 14th- https://polished-scene-963.myflodesk.com/
Connect with me: https://linktr.ee/lisette.ostrander
Photo Credit: Audra Miller https://millerstudios.net/
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Transcript
Introduction to the Kind of Pleasure Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
Hi friends, this is Lisette Ostrander and this is my Kind of Pleasure podcast where we will explore topics of sex, pleasure, desire, mindset, and emotions and use the information learned to live the life we want and have the sex we want. My hope is that what you learn will expand and challenge the way that you think about sex, your body, desire, and aging so that you can bring more pleasure and aliveness into your life.
Introduction to 'Magnificent Sex' by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz
00:00:31
Speaker
For the next two episodes, it's a mini book club. I'm gonna share key takeaways from Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz's book, Magnificent Sex, Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. The findings in the book are based on the largest in-depth interview study ever conducted with people who are having extraordinary sex. And the people in the study,
00:00:59
Speaker
There are a range of individuals that identify as straight and LGBTQ plus individuals. And there's also individuals and couples. And then there's those who identify as quote unquote vanilla and others as kinky, monogamous and consensually non-monogamous. And also individuals who identify as healthy and chronically ill. So these next two episodes,
00:01:25
Speaker
will just scratch the surface of the content. And I will be sure to continue exploring the ideas and concepts from this book throughout this year in this podcast and in my kind of pleasure community, which I'm linking below if you want to learn more about.
Sex as Transformation and Personal Development
00:01:44
Speaker
I am especially interested in learning more about the idea of sex being transformative and a vehicle for personal development, which was one of the components of extraordinary sex identified in this book. So again, a reminder, I am on this journey with you and learning alongside you. In this episode, we're going to talk about what is extraordinary sex,
00:02:13
Speaker
And I will share with you the eight components of extraordinary sex based on the findings from Dr. Kleinplatz. And I will also, I will end this episode by sharing some of my key takeaways and reflections on how we can start to be more intentional with creating conditions for extraordinary sex in our lives. In episode 10, I will continue with this theme of how to be more intentional
00:02:40
Speaker
with creating conditions for extraordinary sex and becoming an extraordinary lover and share Dr. Kleinplatz's findings for doing so. So before diving in, I want to acknowledge that when we have a podcast or a post or article titled Magnificent Sex that identifies key components and it doesn't give a lot of context and information, it can be tricky.
00:03:08
Speaker
Talking about sex and offering insights to great sex can feel loaded and it's easy for something that is meant to be useful to inadvertently add to feelings of inadequacies and insecurities.
Encouragement to Engage with 'Magnificent Sex'
00:03:25
Speaker
It can create yet another opportunity for people to compare and see where they possibly fall short or
00:03:35
Speaker
or it may have people even wanna implement quick fixes and strategies. I encourage you all to get the book and read it in more detail and listen to other podcast episodes that feature Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz and I'll link some of those below. And also continue to stay tuned to this podcast throughout the year as we learn more and dive into the different ideas shared in this book.
Eight Components of Extraordinary Sex
00:04:04
Speaker
I also encourage you to be open and curious and take what fits and leave what doesn't. Dr. Kleinplatz also adds a disclaimer that these eight components are not set in stone and they should not be taken as law or the way that it is because it may look different for other people.
00:04:26
Speaker
I mentioned in the introduction that Dr. Kleinplatz found that extraordinary lovers identified sex as being transformative and a vehicle for personal development. Like personal development, extraordinary sex and sex that transforms you
00:04:47
Speaker
is a practice and one that is achieved through intentionality and doing the quote unquote work. So just as in personal development, it is a process and there are no quick fixes and you are never done learning.
00:05:04
Speaker
I think this idea that we're never done learning, there's no quick fixes could be disheartening for some, but I find this empowering and exciting that there's always more to learn and we can always grow. And as Dr. Peggy Klimplex says, great lovers are not born, they are made.
Growth, Intentionality, and Myths Debunked
00:05:27
Speaker
So for me, this idea of continual growth
00:05:31
Speaker
helps to challenge a lot of the limiting and negative myths that we have around extraordinary sex, that extraordinary sex is only for the young or also only for those in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. The idea of intentionality and growth in order to have extraordinary sex means that age, wisdom, and maturity are all assets when we think about having extraordinary sex.
00:05:59
Speaker
and becoming extraordinary lovers. Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz's research identified that the average age for individuals experiencing, for the first time experiencing, extraordinary sex was in their mid fifties. So of course this is the average. So that means that this happened for people for the first time when they were much older and
00:06:25
Speaker
Of course, that also means it happens for people who are much younger than mid 50s. Again, I find this very exciting and promising for people who feel they have yet to experience extraordinary sex. So last week I left you with the question, when was the last time you had extraordinary sex? And if you have a moment, you can pause this episode and
00:06:51
Speaker
and think about that and also think about why you called it or why you would identify it as extraordinary sex, what made it extraordinary. And now let's dive into the eight components of extraordinary sex that was found in the research. And I will again quickly summarize them, but I will link
00:07:15
Speaker
Other podcast episodes with Peggy Kleinplatz below so you can get more information about this and also check out the book.
Core Elements of Extraordinary Sex
00:07:22
Speaker
So the eight components. One was being completely present in the moment, embodied, focused, absorbed, and it's like being focused on all levels, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And what Peggy notes that is that this
00:07:42
Speaker
that this is much deeper than a mindful moment. It really comes from a lifelong practice. There's one person in the study said that you usually can't label extraordinary sex in the moment because like the act of labeling it would bring you out of the moment. Number two, connection, alignment, and being in sync. So the first component is about one's own state and the second is
00:08:08
Speaker
is self in relation to other, and that's the tricky part, being fully engaged and in sync with another, while also being fully present and embodied in the experience. The third one is deep sexual and erotic intimacy. And this is characterized by feelings of deep feelings of mutual respect and trust for their partners. So it's caring, valuing, and liking.
00:08:37
Speaker
Number four, extraordinary communication and deep empathy. Extraordinary lovers talked about the joys of verbal and nonverbal communication before, during, and after sex. Being able to share themselves completely with one another was a major part of what made sex extraordinary. They talked about extraordinary sex going beyond what we learn as good practice for communication, for relationship skills.
00:09:07
Speaker
They referenced, you know, these communication skills you might learn in couples counseling or therapy, like this idea of validating and I statements. They said that practices like that, of course, will bring you to having sex and good sex, but potentially, but, you know, the kind of communication, extraordinary communication goes well beyond this communication.
00:09:32
Speaker
It's communication that gives people the opportunity to reveal parts of themselves that they don't usually share. It's taking verbal risk with their partners. And it's a way that they kind of push back on their own limits and grow. Amazing communication was also identified. It included touch and touching with curiosity and extraordinary lovers like
00:09:57
Speaker
continued to, they said, quote, renew their knowledge of their partners via their bodies. So they touched as to really feel and allow themselves to be felt through their skin, quoted from the book. And the fifth one is being genuine, authentic and transparent, being uninhibited and not feeling self-conscious about sharing private desires, interests or fantasies. Um,
00:10:26
Speaker
For many people, the experience of magnificent sex represented an opportunity to develop, pursue, explore and expand their own capacities for authenticity and genuineness. And they talked about this idea of, and I've talked about this a lot in other episodes, getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, which is an important skill for developing the capacity for magnificent sex.
00:10:55
Speaker
Number six was being vulnerable and to surrender and they actually use the word choosing to be quote unquote emotionally naked. Number seven, the seventh component was exploration, interpersonal risk taking and fun and risk in the sense of play and pushing and expanding personal boundaries and going beyond yourself.
00:11:18
Speaker
They talked about magnificent lovers, they talked about sex as an opportunity to go exploring or adventuring and setting out on a journey with a trusted partner.
00:11:30
Speaker
It was a way to relax and experiment and not worrying about making mistakes. And again, this is so different from what we hear in mainstream media about trying to get it right or perfect and the best positions. And it would be really awesome if we really could talk and promote about magnificent sex, about having fun and making mistakes and being okay with them and recovering from them.
00:11:57
Speaker
You know, this idea again of sex being an avenue for personal development and interpersonal growth, right? That was definitely a key aspect of how extraordinary lovers identified magnificent sex. And yeah, they also said this idea of exploration and growth is what was a crucial aspect of what made the sex erotic.
00:12:24
Speaker
And the last component is transcendence and transformation. So, magnificent sex was described as a combination of heightened states, mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual. Some of the participants described it as blissful, peaceful, soulful, ecstatic, and worldly. And others described it as being transported.
00:12:47
Speaker
So in the research they found, and I have to look at how many people were interviewed. I believe it was like 7,000, but I will confirm that for next week. But what they did is they just asked people many different questions, similar questions, many different ways to just get the people's responses and then just really, they collected that and synthesized it and identified different categories.
00:13:15
Speaker
And what they found is all the participants of the study, they, in one way or another, identified these eight components, right? They may have described it differently, but they described these eight components as what they attributed to extraordinary sex.
00:13:31
Speaker
So each of the participants identified it, but the way that the path to getting to these eight components were all different. And we're going to explore more about that next week. So just some reflections as I wrap up this episode. Some things that stood out to me was the way that extraordinary lovers
00:13:51
Speaker
and she's the one that uses that word, extraordinary lovers, the way that they define, they have a much broader definition of sex and extraordinary sexual moments and sexual acts. So sometimes the moments and the sexual acts and extraordinary sex didn't even, what they described didn't even involve nakedness, penetration, and genitals. In some of their most erotic moments, none of that was involved.
00:14:21
Speaker
They did talk a lot about kissing and the importance of kissing in erotic and extraordinary sexual moments. Along these same lines, the physical aspects that we so focus on in media to achieve extraordinary sex
00:14:36
Speaker
such as what positions and having an orgasm and how hard is the person and having overwhelming spontaneous desire, which is that desire that you just have to have someone right away, which by the way, is probably one of the biggest myths that messes with people's heads about sex. Most sex isn't spontaneous, even the one that appears to be, but we can talk about that more another time.
00:15:02
Speaker
Again, in the media, all these things are what's kind of coveted, right? Everything I just said. And, you know, orgasms, getting hard, spontaneous desire, positions, either that wasn't present in some of the situations from the interviewees, or if it was present, it wasn't actually what helped define the act as extraordinary sex.
00:15:29
Speaker
the major components that were necessary to define it in their terms as extraordinary didn't include these physical aspects, but it was more about communication, connection, and being embodied.
Sex and Personal Development Intersection
00:15:43
Speaker
So I found this research to be very empowering, but I can see how these eight components can be extremely intimidating and perhaps terrifying for some people. This idea of letting go and being vulnerable and emotionally naked is not something we're encouraged in our society. And it goes against so much of what we've been taught, especially if we've experienced trauma or have had negative experiences in the past, but even without
00:16:13
Speaker
experiencing like that capital T trauma. I think for many of us, revealing ourselves in this way feels unsettling and not natural. And this is where I see the overlaps of sex and personal development and how it is an intentional practice to learn how to feel safe and have trust with ourselves and to allow ourselves to be open and feel safe during sex and also
00:16:43
Speaker
how the participants describe that through the act of letting oneself go and the sexual experience, that they were able to then develop more safety and trust within themselves and that carried over into their lives. So again, I could just, it really makes sense, this idea, this connection of sex and personal development for me.
00:17:08
Speaker
When I hear about these eight components, I think about the mindset coaching work that I'm currently exploring. And these ideas of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is super central to that. It's also the idea of encouraging mistakes.
Mindset and Boundary Setting
00:17:26
Speaker
And also, most recently, in my coaching work, I've been
00:17:31
Speaker
doing a lot of work around learning about unconditional love for myself and others and also setting boundaries and allowing others to be upset or disappointed and and undoing my people pleaser tendencies so all of these things that i'm learning and exploring through this coaching mindset work
00:17:51
Speaker
All of these ways of being are important to life, but also when you look at it, it's really important in achieving the eight components of extraordinary sex. So like when we think of like hot sex tips, when you see in Cosmo and Vogue, you know, it would be interesting instead of people putting out magazines like, hey, check out these positions. Wouldn't it be cool if we heard more people talk about setting boundaries?
00:18:19
Speaker
and teaching people how to set boundaries from a place of love and not out of frustration or resentment. And one idea I'm going to leave you with, because I'm realizing this definitely, I have a lot to say about this topic, but one idea I want to leave you with is I've been doing a lot of work with Alison Armstrong, who's this author of the Queen's Code and this
00:18:48
Speaker
researcher of men and women and relationships. She's really amazing. I highly recommend checking her out. She talks a lot about feminine and masculine and that lives within all of us. And usually how the masculine and people who tend to lead with the masculine that their instinct is to conceal and protect. So, you know, asking a lot of questions to get some, to know someone or revealing
00:19:15
Speaker
or for them to reveal what is so intimate and vulnerable isn't instinctual. And she also talks about those who lead more in their feminine, that their tendency more is to connect and to love asking questions and reveal.
Discussion on Instincts and Intimacy
00:19:35
Speaker
And when I think about this, I can see people hearing the eight components above. And if for those people that tend to be more in their feminine,
00:19:45
Speaker
that in order to achieve those eight components above to have extraordinary sex, they may want to dive in with their partner and ask a lot of questions so that they can develop this connection and communication that we're talking about for extraordinary sex. But I just think about that as the quick fixes I mentioned earlier. And asking these questions and getting people to reveal is not the answer. And again, I just want to remind you
00:20:14
Speaker
that this is a process and this takes time. And for us to start thinking about what can we start doing to make ourselves feel safe and to make other people feel safe. I'm gonna leave you right there because I actually realized I can keep talking. And this is the longest episode that I've ever done.
Future Content and Pleasure Community Launch
00:20:37
Speaker
So next week, we're gonna get into part two
00:20:44
Speaker
and talk about how we can start to bring more extraordinary sex into our lives. And I just wanna thank you so much. If you've listened to the end, I'm like, thank you. And I'm still planning to launch My Pleasure Community on April 14th. I'm gonna do it as a soft launch now and do a full launch on May 1st, May 1st. So click the link below and I will send you an email shortly.
00:21:13
Speaker
And I'm also still thinking about having my, you know, maybe a soft launch party on April 14th and then a formal launch party after that. But in my next episode, which will come out in a couple of days, I will give you more details about that. Thank you and have a great week and weekend.