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Let's Talk About Sex!
1.7k Plays14 days ago
Picking up on an ongoing conversation the previous FDS queens began - please revisit the classic recording, "We Like Big Dicks and We REFUSE to Lie" (May 5, 2021) - Patricia and Rose delve into the joys of sex and intimacy. They touch on the role of social media, the influence of porn, and the importance of sexual education in advocating for one's own pleasure.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet. I'm your host, Patricia. And I'm Rose. And I love being the meanest female-only podcast on the internet. Don't you, Patricia?
00:00:14
Speaker
i don't know if we are the meanest right now, but we were the original meanest. And today we are going to be a little quote-unquote
Is Acting in Self-Interest 'Mean'?
00:00:22
Speaker
mean. And by mean, I mean that we're going to act in our own self-interest. What?
00:00:30
Speaker
Oh my God. Outrageous.
00:00:36
Speaker
Yes. I mean, I love when you suggest this episode topic. I was like, yeah, I feel like this doesn't actually get discussed openly and honestly enough because we get so much flack when we come out. We get called every name in the book if we're actually just open about the things that we like sexually. And that includes what we prefer in our partners. I know that is outrageous, but it is the truth.
00:00:59
Speaker
It is the truth.
Media's Impact on Sexual Preferences
00:01:00
Speaker
And for some reason, like it can either be portrayed, like when I was rolling around with this episode idea, I was also thinking about, let's say the show Sex and the City, which definitely did talk about this kind of thing, but then it is portrayed as kind of sexually deviant.
00:01:17
Speaker
I don't know if you know this, but it's the famous trope that the show is written by gay men. Like it was how gay men would fantasize about being women. actually didn't fact check this, so don't come at me. But what I'm trying to say is that there is a world and there is a way to talk about sexual preferences and also it not being lewd.
00:01:40
Speaker
You know what I mean? It doesn't have to be like, I don't want to include Samantha, but you know, it doesn't have to be Samantha. It can also be to use sex in the city tropes. It can also be Charlotte.
00:01:52
Speaker
You don't have to be Samantha to talk about sexual preferences. It's okay. You can be a quote-unquote good woman and still prefer some things sexually.
00:02:03
Speaker
And the reason I'm saying this, it seems that, as you say, under patriarchy or like in our society, it's kind of socially valid, right?
00:02:15
Speaker
In the context of being a good woman and what that means, there's not really room to say that, like, I, for instance, me, Patricia, I don't like bald and balding men.
Personal Preferences vs. Societal Expectations
00:02:27
Speaker
It just turns me off. I'm not sorry. It is what it is. And, for instance, like, my best friend, who I will not dox, She doesn't mind bald or balding, but she has not a preference, but like a requisite for a six pack.
00:02:43
Speaker
That's her requisite. I don't require a six pack, but for each their own. You know, i like how you actually did a callback to Sex and the City. It is problematic, especially because it wasn't written by women for women. Right. But this framing of like you don't have to be a Samantha in order to be a healthy sexual woman.
00:03:01
Speaker
Honestly, i am more of a Charlotte. I'm somebody who was brought up very conservative, very repressed. Like I didn't know what my period was when I got it I had like no knowledge about my body.
00:03:15
Speaker
And thank God for the Internet when that came out, because that was where I really got a lot of my information from. a special shout out to Dan Savage, who was really kind of instrumental.
Sex Education Gaps
00:03:27
Speaker
At the time, he was a sex advice columnist for The Onion back when it was located in Madison, Wisconsin and printed out.
00:03:34
Speaker
actual newspapers. And that's where I found him. I found him in like a printed newspaper in Minnesota. And I was like, this guy's so honest. He's so open. Like he was not clinical, but he was straightforward without being crass.
00:03:46
Speaker
And that was a very help because I just like, I couldn't talk about it with my girlfriends. Like I would listen, you know, but again, coming from like rural America where there is no sex education and most people are quite conservative and religious, like none of us had the vocabulary to even talk about it. Right.
00:04:04
Speaker
So that was really when I first started to read Dan Savage was when I first started to get an inkling or of the language that could be used. And that was so helpful to me. Sex in the City then was the next big step. And I remember really relating to Charlotte's sort of reticence and, you know, her reserve. She wasn't that she wasn't a sexual person, but like, of course, a company of Samantha's, you know, everybody looks conservative by that standard.
00:04:28
Speaker
um She really was sort of a caricature of a gay man's sexually liberated woman, like his idea of one. Really, she just acted like a gay man, if you look at it from like a cultural kind of framework.
00:04:40
Speaker
But I was really much more like Charlotte. And so as I've gotten older, you know, I've really struggled. Remember how in one of our previous episodes I talked about how much I've had to really compel myself to use my voice to talk?
00:04:52
Speaker
Like, It's a real challenge for me to actually talk about some of these things because I was silent so much as a young person and really shamed when I had just very normal, regular, degular questions about things like biology in our bodies, you know?
00:05:09
Speaker
I'm really sorry. That's okay. I mean, i think I'm not alone. i think that's probably pretty common in a lot of the world, you know, i think it's getting better. Yeah, it probably is. Right. This makes me realize how privileged I am because I always felt like very straightforward about things. I never had shame around this stuff.
00:05:28
Speaker
From what I've seen, correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I've met, from what I've seen from my Judaism and my Jewish friends, like the body and sexuality is not treated as something shameful. Yeah, but also I grew up in a very secular Soviet family.
00:05:42
Speaker
So that's also... Okay. Like, I guess there are different Jewish people that i grew up in a... Very secular, very liberal house. Like I didn't talk about sex with my parents, but there was not shame around it, you know?
00:05:54
Speaker
It wasn't like a veiled thing that nobody ever talked about. When I had my first boyfriend and I would sleep over at their place, you know, that's what it was, you know? There was not much, much about it.
00:06:06
Speaker
Like if I'm using preservatives, think that's like the Russian word even. Yeah, that's great. And, you know, it wasn't that big of a deal.
00:06:17
Speaker
Yeah, that is wild to me. That would never be allowed. Like still not allowed in the area where I grow up for teenage girlfriends to stay with their boyfriends. That just wouldn't be allowed. And I think you would be seen as very, very liberal if you were like letting mixed sleepovers happen. I mean, you know, that's the thing is like in many parts of the world,
00:06:39
Speaker
it's still very regressive. It's still very conservative. And so that's another reason why I was happy to be on this podcast, because I think I'm quite representative of a very large part of of the population, especially when it comes to women, you know, and these sorts of like hyper conservative standards were held to. So talking about sex is still something I don't take
Changing Sexual Norms and Internet Influence
00:06:59
Speaker
for granted. It's still something that I really have to push myself out of my comfort zone to talk about it. But I think it's a healthy practice for me to do so.
00:07:07
Speaker
Like, One of my friends is dating. She's always been a very sexual woman. And again, not crass about it, but just like open about her needs. And she was talking about how she's for the first time ever dating like a gender nonconforming individual who is on hormonal treatment. And so she's like, you know, for the first time,
00:07:27
Speaker
Sex isn't only and always about penis and vagina. Like we do so many more things. And she's like, and I've never been more satisfied. And I never would have realized that this was something that was in me sexually if I hadn't dated somebody who like wasn't obsessed with always having their penis and everything.
00:07:46
Speaker
And I thought that was so fascinating because, again, this is a kind of conversation that we've literally never had before. This is a new era. And I think we're still kind of grappling with how do we talk about it? How much do we want to share? Of course, being on the Internet, a lot of people go to the Internet to, like, be anonymous and talk about things that they don't feel comfortable talking about face-to-face. And I think that's healthy, too, having that sort of distance so that you can sort of bare your heart. But when you brought up this episode, I was just like, wow, you know, when's the last time I've actually talked with my girlfriends about, like, What's making us happy? What's happening with our changing hormones? A lot of my friends are entering like perimenopause.
00:08:22
Speaker
Some have been on weight loss drugs, like rediscovering a different relationship with their body at this stage in life. And another one has become ethically non-monogamous. And now she has like a whole harem of lovers across the spectrum.
00:08:37
Speaker
I feel like a kid in a candy shop where i'm just like, wow, there's every flavor under the sun. I'm like, I didn't even know this existed. But it has led me to to consider like, what do I find
Judgment and Preferences in Women
00:08:47
Speaker
attractive? What am I looking for when it looks? Because of course, we all have friends and we all have people we love in many platonic ways. But being sexual with somebody is a very intimate and a very personal thing. And I think people feel judged a lot of times for what their preferences truly are, women especially.
00:09:03
Speaker
Exactly. Wow, that is such a significant exposition because, again, like I exist in in my privilege where my friends and I, for a very long time, like I'm feeling very liberated, talk about sex and whatever kind of detail is needed for me to express.
00:09:22
Speaker
Like it doesn't have to be crass, right? It's not lot like, oh, we did this and that. It's more ah about like, how you feel and what that means to you. And there is a lot of freedom to talk about that in my group of friends and in
Porn and Its Educational Impact
00:09:37
Speaker
my culture, I guess, in my chosen family or something.
00:09:41
Speaker
And it's very valuable to hear this from you because... The reality is people are horny and people are going to fuck or to explore sexuality together. And in the absence of adequate language or knowledge, there will be something else that will take over.
00:10:00
Speaker
So the saddest example of this and the most tragic is that when people don't understand sex in a healthy way, the vacuum will be filled by porn, which is a very...
00:10:12
Speaker
unrealistic and not healthy representation of a very like skewed sexuality between I'm talking about heterosexual porn, but I don't know about other types. But, you know, it's bad.
00:10:26
Speaker
it doesn't represent sexuality between two humans. It represents something completely different. And then if there is a vacuum of, let's say, sexual education or language even to speak about this, and people get their information and are exposed to sexuality through that,
00:10:44
Speaker
That is super bad. That is like super detrimental. And I wouldn't want that to happen to anybody. Wouldn't want for any young girl or boy or old girl or boy, like whatever, 20s, to learn about sex from porn. That would be like really, really sad.
00:10:59
Speaker
And unfortunately, that's what's happening today. So it is important to talk about things. Mm-hmm. I feel like that's what we're actually dealing with. like Everybody's like, what happened to dating? Why is dating so shitty?
00:11:10
Speaker
Well, because so many of these men in America, at least if we're talking about dating, they all were brought up with porn because there is no sex education. like There's barely biology about... like I think I was reading in some American textbooks, they actually take out the pages that show like the reproductive organs in women because it's considered pornographic.
00:11:33
Speaker
Like it's unbelievable. And it's still happening today, 2026. twenty twenty six Oh my God. That's exactly it. Like if you don't have actual descriptive information, people are horny.
00:11:49
Speaker
Physical fact law of reality. People are going to fuck. Like when I was 16, I had a boyfriend and I had sex with him. If a girl from a more religious or like restrictive kind of family...
00:12:04
Speaker
is Okay, 16 is a bit young, but 17, 18, 19 at some point, she will be so horny that she will fuck somebody. The only question is, under what terms and how much knowledge does she have?
00:12:17
Speaker
How much freedom does she have? How much discretion does she have? to ask for what she needs. And the more shame you have around this, it's just going to lead to like not using protection, right? Because you have shame around it.
00:12:30
Speaker
Or then you develop like, or people develop like weird behaviors and hiding things. And it's just bad. Like why? Yeah. It's so bad. I really feel like there's a lot of perversion that we actually don't call out. I mean, if you look on Reddit, like these guys are always like, don't kink shame. And I'm like, no, FDS firmly believes in kink shaming because almost always it's... Yes, we do.
00:12:52
Speaker
Right? Firmly, always. That's never, we've never deviated from that. We don't believe in this line of defense. Don't kink shame. We don't accept this line of defense. If we find something shameful, for example, choking, we don't approve choking. If somebody chokes you,
00:13:09
Speaker
He's assaulting you. Like if somebody on the street or somebody on a date starts choking you, that's a assault. If somebody in bed starts choking you, it's still a assault. We don't approve that. And we don't accept the line of defense.
00:13:22
Speaker
No kink shaming. Yeah, because what if my kink is kink shaming? Okay, how about that? No, but for real, like, let's use, let's turn their logic against them. Also, I will make a point of fact to say on the record that I don't believe in choking as a term. The actual word is strangulation.
00:13:41
Speaker
They are strangling you, okay? Choking is when there's something internally embedded in the esophagus that doesn't allow you to inhale. Somebody putting their hands around your neck and squeezing it.
00:13:53
Speaker
is strangulation. Okay, so that's one thing that I think strangulation, yet, you know, when somebody's strangling you. Strangled, yeah. I think let's use words as they are meant to be and, like, let's use words by their definition, you know? And that's another way that, like, the sexual parameters get blurred by predators and people who take advantage because, you know,
00:14:14
Speaker
choking is sexy, but strangling, ah that's a felony, you know? So let's, let's use the words like that, but it's so true. So I think there's so many perversions happening because like, especially with liberal feminism and the whole like girl boss, like, you know, the slut walk and like all these things,
00:14:32
Speaker
We're still feeding into men's fantasies. It's not actually about what brings pleasure and satisfaction to our own bodies.
Critique of Liberal Feminism
00:14:41
Speaker
Even if we often think it is, a lot of that's due to, like again, propaganda. you know like Is it really getting you off to have somebody cutting off your air supply?
00:14:52
Speaker
Doubtful, right? But God knows that we've all been taught, like, whatever gets men's rocks off is like, that's hot, that's sexy. And I especially feel for these young girls coming up because the stats I'm hearing are absolutely terrifying. Let's also not forget that when you don't have proper language around...
00:15:09
Speaker
sexual relations, a lot of sexual coercion happens. I mean, one of the saddest things I see almost every day on Reddit is a story about somebody who's like, I wanted to lose my virginity or I wanted to have my first time with my boyfriend. And it turns out that they were assaulted. Like they were stealthed. They were strangled. They were slapped. All sorts of offenses were taken against them when they were looking for a mutually pleasurable, connecting, intimate experience. And instead,
00:15:38
Speaker
Perverted fantasies were enacted upon them. That's really awful. And it's exactly stems from the state of pornography. yeah Because of pornography. That's why i love having Gail Dines on, because Gail Dines really brings it home. Like...
00:15:53
Speaker
And of course, it's harmful to to the boys and the men as well, because this whole like male loneliness epidemic, which is also a total bullshit. But like if we want to point to it as like men are lonely, they're not lonely enough because what are they learning? All this shit from porn instead of listening to us telling them like we want this, like I want to hold your hand. I want to make out like I want to dry hump. like I love dry humping. I love what is it called? Fraudage.
00:16:17
Speaker
There's so many things that I love that are not necessarily the penis and vagina, which I also enjoy. But like so many men think that's all that sex is when to me, like i love a long, hot makeout session. Like I love somebody who knows how to like squeeze and rub and caress and not just like grab and pinch everything.
00:16:36
Speaker
and like roughly fondle. We all have these sorts of degrees of comfort within our bodies. But like for me, because I've had so much particular physical violence, abuse in my own family, like I need to feel treasured and cherished and like adored by a man. And so how he handles me with his hands is something that really, really makes a huge difference to like my comfort level and my satisfaction.
00:16:58
Speaker
you know what I'm saying? Like, but I don't hear these conversations among women because again, this has never been modeled for us before.
Homage to a Controversial Episode
00:17:04
Speaker
Wow. Thank you for saying that so truthfully. And that's exactly, exactly the thing.
00:17:10
Speaker
It's about what actually makes you feel good internally and nus not in a way of pleasing somebody else. Because this episode i idea was kind of like a homage to a very funny episode that the OGs made. it was like the ninth episode of the original podcast.
00:17:25
Speaker
And it was called, We Like Big Dicks and We Refuse to Lie About It. in which they read out a really controversial post on the Reddit that the one of the original like big contributors, let's say, to the sub, Jammies.
00:17:43
Speaker
OG Jammies! Yes! She's all over the one book as well. The OG Jammies, she was saying, yep I have dick preferences.
00:17:54
Speaker
When I'm dating somebody, the whole package of me deciding if I want to date them, and again, this is the core of FDS. We are vetting. We are choosing according to what suits us.
00:18:07
Speaker
Yes, it's a very powerful position. And let me tell you, sometimes men get really confused and upset when they realize that you're the one making the decisions.
00:18:18
Speaker
They get really upset about it, but there's nothing they can do because you have the... The power is you, your presence and your energy, and you're willing to talk to somebody, to date somebody, to be intimate with them. That is your power. And men get really upset when they realize that you know that you have that power. They get so sad.
00:18:45
Speaker
They don't want you to know it. They do not want you to know it. They don't understand how it can be that you're they're talking to a woman that makes the decisions. So yeah, anyways, part of what you are entitled to the size based on is like you just said, Rose. thus Do I like to kiss him?
00:19:05
Speaker
Do I want to take his shirt off when we're making out? These are important things that can be thrown to the side. If our first and foremost goal is to be with somebody and to be somebody's girlfriend, because then we can end up in a situation where we're dating somebody and they're really nice. Our friends like him. Our family is like him.
00:19:28
Speaker
We are not that attracted to him. Never happened to me per se, but did happen to like good friends of mine that after a long time that they've been with somebody like they're partnered.
00:19:40
Speaker
And I learned that they actually have a hard time kissing them. That is so sad. That is such a sad place to be in. Like, that's tragic, you know? You're basically doing something that you do not enjoy and it's very intimate.
00:19:54
Speaker
I would venture so far out to say that this is a form of self-harm. Like, it's really detrimental. Please don't do that to yourself. You can... And you should and we empower you to not be with somebody that you're not attracted to.
00:20:10
Speaker
This is kind of like trivial and groundbreaking at the same time. Because men, this is obvious. But for women, somehow we are socialized to value a lot of things. And indeed, there are a lot of things that a partner, like to use a very simple like allegory, like there are a lot of boxes that a partner should check.
00:20:33
Speaker
But there are a lot of facets to compatibility. It is not trivial. It is not simple and it's not always easy to find somebody that you are compatible with in many
Beyond Physical Attraction
00:20:44
Speaker
different things. Like you need to have life compatibility, right? With like the things that you want out of just like life.
00:20:51
Speaker
Do you both want to settle down? Do you both want to have a certain lifestyle or not? Have kids, not have kids, your relationship with money, your relationship with your family, how you...
00:21:02
Speaker
I don't know even your sleeping patterns. There's a lot that goes into this. Yes. And sometimes it's kind of like because we don't see a lot of media representations of this facet.
00:21:14
Speaker
And there's a reason for that. I'm going to put a pin on that. That we don't think that it's valuable or a good enough reason to not be with somebody if we're not really attracted to them.
00:21:28
Speaker
Can we just pause and think about this, that this is a reality in our society? It's like so sad. It's both so obvious, ah like so fundamental, because I feel like you're right.
00:21:39
Speaker
We don't even stop and say like, it does this person attract me? Does this man make me wet? Okay. Like, does the sight of his, the tendons in his arms and his forearms like turn me on? Whatever your thing is. You know you often are so divorced from your body because the head is like, do I like him? Do I want to be with him? Like, you know, he's got a good job. All of these things that kind of like, like you say, that the check boxes that you have to go through. But, you know, it's one thing to not like kissing.
00:22:08
Speaker
It's another thing entirely to dislike kissing your partner. Could you see the difference there, people? Like what Patricia I are talking about is... Ultimately, when you are with this person, is this somebody where, you know, sometimes you want to tear his shirt off and jump on his bones? Like that is part of what a romantic partnership is. Oftentimes, I would argue the glue that keeps romantic partnerships strong is how healthy and pleasurable your sexual life is together.
00:22:36
Speaker
That is also true. I don't think we give that enough emphasis to women. I think we're like, well, as long as he's not raping you on a nightly basis, like, you know, it's probably not that bad. Like, can I give an example of a girlfriend of mine?
00:22:50
Speaker
She is my oldest friend. We have been friends since kindergarten. She's really more my family than the family that is left to me. But she and all of her sisters married their high school sweethearts. That was like the big thing was they all married their high school sweethearts. None of them are divorced.
00:23:08
Speaker
They think that's a real victory. But my friend, for example, has been married to her now husband, I think, for 22 years. All of her sisters married their high school sweetheart, including her.
00:23:21
Speaker
Correct. All three of them. Not true. Yep. And now my friend has been with him for 22 years and they literally have not had sex in 17 years.
00:23:34
Speaker
Oh, no. And like they don't hold hands. They don't kiss. They don't hug. There is nothing. They may as well be business partners. He is miserable. He will never leave her.
00:23:45
Speaker
I've had this conversation with him multiple times. I've known him now for half of my life, too. Right. Right. And I love him and he has a beautiful heart, but he also struggles with his own demons. And I feel like this is a friend where at one point I was saying to her, you know, well, like, so you haven't s slept with him in however long? She's like, no, we hadn't slept together for years before that, but I wanted another kid.
00:24:06
Speaker
And so I slept with him and I got pregnant right away. And so that was that. And I was like, are you saying you've never? She's like, no. I was like, well, do you masturbate? She's like, no. And I'm just like, this woman is so closed off from her own body. I don't think she's asexual. She could be asexual.
00:24:23
Speaker
And that's a totally different story. But like her husband entered into this marriage with the hope and expectation that they would have a romantic sexual relationship for the rest of their lives. And she has unilaterally made the decision that, no, they're not going to. And so now they're like in this marriage that neither of them are happy, but they will never leave each other.
00:24:43
Speaker
And I'm just like, how can you be this young and so committed to misery? Like, how is this acceptable in any way to either of you? You know, but it just goes to show the power of culture and enculturation.
00:24:57
Speaker
I mean, they're comfortable, right? Exactly. They're very comfortable. you know, they're working towards like their first million as investors. Like, you know, they're committed to the project of their family.
00:25:09
Speaker
But I still think they should both want more for themselves. But they've both been beaten down by like society telling them like, you know, a happy home is one where both parents are there for their kids. And, you know, They've just swallowed hook, line and sinker, you know, these fantasies of like domestic
Cultural Norms in Relationships
00:25:27
Speaker
obligation. And whenever I go home and visit them, I'm so sad, to be honest, because I love them both so much. And I think they're both very decent people, very kind people. They're both so despondent. They're both kind of like just despairing, like, well, this is it, you know, till death do us part. And I just can't imagine. But I think, again, Patricia, I think this is a lot more common than we might realize.
00:25:49
Speaker
Yeah, I think that is pretty common. It's also like a story that I hear a lot. I hear often here in the Netherlands of people that are, you know, it's also kind of like a more emotionally muted culture.
00:26:01
Speaker
I don't know your friend, but I would like to use this example to... ah further broach the subject because we're not only talking about a physical attraction that stems from are just features.
00:26:13
Speaker
And this is also a good moment for me to caveat something that I wanted to caveat in this episode. I'm not talking about, what we're talking about here is not like you are entitled to date the hottest guy, period, or something like that. It's your prerogative to date the most you know conventionally attractive person in the universe and anything under that would not do. Also, I don't think it's healthy or useful to convolute your self-worth with the attractiveness of your partner. And sometimes people do that. And that's not at all what we're talking about.
00:26:49
Speaker
This goes back to what you were talking about, like the way that the person touches you. It's an added factor to their physical features, right? Because somebody can be really beautiful, but they're porn sick and they don't know how to make out and their sexuality is all out of whack. We're going to talk about porn sick, lame dick and later in the episode and think we're also going to have gale dines again.
00:27:13
Speaker
But it's not about how hot a person is. It's also about how hot they make you feel. And not even hot, but like it's a matter of like sensuality, connection, like really a connection that is happening through the body.
00:27:27
Speaker
And there's a lot of oxytocin. That's oxytocin? Yeah, oxytocin. Yes, I got right. That flows through our veins. Like I'm going to speak about myself. I feel that as a woman, I have a higher level of oxytocin. And I'm also like when I'm making up with somebody, when I'm skin to skin, I feel that oxytocin high. I feel that rush.
00:27:48
Speaker
And that really makes me connect to the person. It's chemical and it's biological. Like we are wired to do this. So it's not only about like, I don't know, how their arms look in a tank top or whatever.
00:28:02
Speaker
It's something deeper. And that also, that is something that can be nurtured. And that's something that stays. ideally, if you grow old with somebody, even if you're 60, and don't can also be hot when you're 60, but let's say you age in a way that like your body is not as tight as it used to be and you're not as fit as you used to be and neither
The Biology of Attraction
00:28:27
Speaker
is your partner. And that's fine because it's not only about like physical attributes. It's also about how you make each other feel. And this is the important part. This is what you're entitled to.
00:28:37
Speaker
You are entitled to physical. Feel good. You are entitled to feel good, not only when you're presenting your partner to your family, but even when you're in your bed, in your house, alone with him, you are still entitled to feel good. And I would argue that is actually more important.
00:28:57
Speaker
Yeah, 100%. 100%. remember there was one guy I dated who like whenever we were out public, he was very affectionate. Like he'd always have his armor on me or he'd have his hand on my knee or, you know, like he would be sure to put me in places. And I really liked that. That really made me feel good. But you know what? When we were home, he would always sit at the end of the couch and it was like I wasn't even there. It was like I was a piece of furniture.
00:29:20
Speaker
oh I know. that sucks. Yeah, it did suck. Obviously, that didn't last very long. He was also somebody who thought giving head that cunnilingus was made him dirty and made him like, oh, no.
00:29:34
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. He had a lot of hang up. It feels like, you know, I'm debasing myself before you. And I was like, oh this is not going to last. No, we don't date that. That's like a prerequisite. Also, my bestie and I, look we like to say, like one time we were talking about a guy, i was like, oh yeah, he likes to give head, doesn't like to give head. And my friend said, like for her, it's a prerequisite.
00:29:54
Speaker
It's not like a consideration in dating somebody or not. It's a binary line. If he doesn't like eating pussy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and a snack in between...
00:30:09
Speaker
She will not date him. So this just stayed breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack in between. i love that I really do. Because honestly, that's often how most women get off. Like a lot of times it's very rare that like penis in the vagina is what creates the orgasm for the woman, you know, and there's actually a really good book. If this is something that you're kind of new to exploring and you're still kind of getting your head wrapped around some things. a very good book called she comes first discusses like all the benefits and like the healthiness that is nurtured between a heterosexual couple when he makes sure that she comes before he does basically it like it elevates the relationship by so much it's kind of if it doesn't happen that way it really kind of speaks to the probability that it's not going to be a successful relationship because he should care about your pleasure first and foremost I know when I'm with a man, I'm all about his pleasure. It gives me pleasure to pleasure him. And so one of my requirements is I need a man who has that mentality.
00:31:06
Speaker
Because if he's just going to be a taker, so many people are just takers, men especially. If he's not going to be a giver in a bed, I really don't know what's the point of having him around. Oh, of course. i mean, for me, that's a prerequisite.
00:31:18
Speaker
Like, even if it's um just a lover, Like that is what makes sexuality good is when there a common investment in each other's pleasure. And then it's always a flow. It's a really beautiful thing to witness and to be a part of because their pleasure is my pleasure. My pleasure is their pleasure. And it's just a mix and it's an art.
00:31:43
Speaker
And i think I had... some isolated experiences of indeed takers in my youth and did not like it. It made me feel really bad and i will never allow that into my life again, period.
00:32:01
Speaker
This is something you talked about. You were like, listen, this is a subjective feeling. It's a chemical response in your body and in your mind. And so I think this is a really radical act. You know, radical refers to like the root of something.
00:32:15
Speaker
And when you are rooted in your body, It will tell you if you're enjoying yourself, if it's pleasurable, if it's safe. It will tell you that even if not during, it will let you know afterwards if it was not.
00:32:28
Speaker
And that's something that is really powerful for us to listen to and for us to hearken. If we can actually hear what our body is telling us, that is a revolutionary act. Wow.
00:32:38
Speaker
I love that you said that. thank you And you know what the challenging part is there? It's accepting that message. Because i can imagine in that position, if that really unsettling kind of sad feeling comes afterwards, it can be challenging to actually accept it and say like, oh, I feel bad.
00:33:04
Speaker
That's not easy. It's not easy. No, especially if we're already invested in this person and in this relationship, you know, it's so easy to intellectualize things. And especially, you know, in the United States, especially we have a real divide between mind and body. Like we act like they're two separate things when it's actually just one in the same. But God forbid, you know right? And so oftentimes we prize the mind over the body.
00:33:28
Speaker
We think it's supreme somehow, like there's a hierarchy and our mind is above our body. No. And again, quick aside, you know, this was something that my therapist really had to work with me on when it came to my family, because whenever I come back from a like Christmas break or anything like that, I would be sick and I would be despondent for like the next two, three weeks, a
Trusting Instincts in Relationships
00:33:47
Speaker
month.
00:33:47
Speaker
She's like, this is your buddy. What is your body trying to tell you, Rose? Don't you think maybe there's something you should be listening to there? So it's not just in romantic relationships, but I think especially in romantic relationships, we're so quick to write ourselves off and think that we're somehow just being too judgmental or too picky. No, you can't be picky enough.
00:34:06
Speaker
And rationalize and hijack yourself out of your self-preservation instincts. Yeah, I was going to say the number one cause of like women's mortality is like the man in the home. Okay, they kill us all the time. And so like, not only are you not getting off, but like now you're getting off. Oh, shit. that's So bleak. But so for real, though, like it is that serious.
00:34:26
Speaker
It is that serious. That's how seriously you should be your pleasure. You are so right. And that is like indeed very bleak and also like very blunt. You're not getting off and you're even getting offed.
00:34:39
Speaker
But indeed, like I understand why you say that, because this is the I'm going to say bluntly, this is the price of not listening to ourselves. And one of the very, very strong pillars or merits of Avdias that really like opens so much for me is listening honoring, honoring what I'm feeling.
00:35:03
Speaker
Because we live in a society and in a reality and the disenfaction is also part of it that When we feel things, our first attempt is to try to rationalize ourselves out of it, is to tell ourselves that we are crazy, that we are experiencing so many emotions, that we don't know what we want. and We just want the guy, right? Like all we want, like I will say about myself, I don't want to say all we want is to be held, but I think that is true for human
00:35:35
Speaker
society, whether somebody asexual or whatever. But I will say about myself, what leads me is my desire to be cared for and to care for somebody else.
00:35:49
Speaker
That doesn't mean that I need to, like you say, settle, ignore my instincts and my body and just attach myself to somebody that's actually not good for me.
00:36:01
Speaker
If I would do that, I would be married and have three kids by now. But I don't think that's the right way. And a really, really, really important, valuable thing that is part of the FDS philosophy, but also just generally something that reality beckons us to do, is to honor our very, very powerful values.
00:36:25
Speaker
magnificent feminine instincts. They exist in us, but we live in a linear society that tries to slap it out of us. No, we have power. We have might. We as women have intuition.
00:36:40
Speaker
And our struggle in this life is to actually listen to it, to actually settle in it. Afterwards, you can also find a rational way to explain it to people.
00:36:52
Speaker
And let me tell you, you will be convincing. But if you start by trying to rationalize, you will not get anywhere. You need to actually listen to yourself. Actually, actually listen to yourself and honor your emotions.
00:37:07
Speaker
If you try to do this, dear listener, you will get very far. Life will revolutionize. In fact, this is something that scientists have been exploring. They are considering calling the stomach the second brain because there is so much information and knowledge stored in that area of the body. And that's often where women's intuition is located. You get a sick feeling in the gut.
00:37:31
Speaker
Something happens to you. You feel it in a particular place. Where is it? Probably in your belly. Right? Yes. That is the brain. And again, this is an evolutionary advantage that has been bred into us over thousands of years. It is what has kept us, the weaker sex, alive and thriving. Right?
00:37:51
Speaker
Because to under patriarchy, we are the prey. We are the prey class. And so there is a reason that prey develop heightened instincts and intuition. This is why, evolutionarily speaking, there is a reason why we have this knowledge and this wisdom and this intelligence. It's a form of bodily intelligence. Right. It's to protect and keep us safe.
00:38:14
Speaker
And not only to keep us safe, we also can provide value to the community we're in using this and tapping into this intuition. Yes. But again, patriarchy doesn't want us to know that we have that. you know, why are you so emotional? Women are hysterical. All of these things is it's it's a gaslighting effort to actually obscure how powerful that force is because they don't have it. But we do.
00:38:38
Speaker
And there's nothing being can to possess it. Right. Hundred percent. Right. Thank you So this is something that is, again, it's very radical to become rooted in your body, to become rooted in self-knowledge and the self-belief that like you do know what's best for yourself.
00:38:56
Speaker
You do know if this man is right for you or not. You do know want the second or third date or not. Right. Don't over-nationalize. Don't convince yourself. Don't persuade yourself something that is contrary to what you already feel and know to be true.
00:39:10
Speaker
And don't give up authority. to other parties, whether that be even us. We are not an authority. We are just beckoning you to tap into your own authority.
00:39:21
Speaker
But also, don't know, LipFem magazines, your mom, your culture, your friends from high school that all married their high school sweethearts and don't sleep with their husbands anymore for the last 17 years.
00:39:34
Speaker
Or your guy friends. I'm not saying don't listen to anybody. You can listen to everybody. And you should. I think being graceful is just such a great way to live life.
00:39:45
Speaker
I think it's always a good idea to be graceful. You always get more flies with honey. But that being said, the first and foremost authority is you. It's you.
00:39:57
Speaker
It must be you. It must be no other than you, yourself and you. This is something I want to point out as well, Patricia. You had written in your email about this episode idea and I want us to pivot to this right now.
00:40:09
Speaker
Another very important truth, other than owning your own authority, is that men who want to sleep with us should put forth effort into being sexually attractive to us.
Expectations on Male Attractiveness
00:40:23
Speaker
Amen. Amen, sister. Okay. These men need to bathe themselves. They need to floss and brush their teeth. Like, think about all that you do every day with your hygiene and your grooming.
00:40:35
Speaker
Okay. Why do we expect anything less From men, we accept that if we want to be attractive to men that we have to do X, Y, Z. For example, I no longer shave, but I'm also not somebody who's particularly hairy. So that's like not as big of a deal for me as it might be for somebody who has a lot of hair. Right. But that was one thing where just like I think in the last decade I was like, you know what? No, I don't want to shave.
00:40:58
Speaker
And it has not affected my sex life in the slightest, you know, because again, like that helps me self-select amongst men who have realistic standards of beauty for women, right? Like, I just don't think I should have to be plucked clean like a chicken every time I leave my front door. But I have amazing skincare. I exercise. I get my sleep. I drink enough water. Like I do all these things because I want to be healthy and because I want to be sexually attractive.
00:41:23
Speaker
So why is it that I am totally fine signing up for this quarantine? quite extensive and expensive regimen. And yet I'm supposed to be grateful if like he brushes his teeth once a day.
00:41:34
Speaker
What the fuck is that? Absolute. So this is something that she had said. Just let themselves select out of the gene pool. If they're making zero efforts to be attractive to us, then we're not attracted to them. The end.
00:41:46
Speaker
may you perish yes absolutely again it's not only a physical thing although yes i also like really watch like it's kind of like a predetermined truth that i always want to be sexually attractive like that's just how i am programmed as a woman so then if i gain a bit of weight i'm like oh i should like watch the chocolates you know, or I should go to the gym more often.
00:42:14
Speaker
This is kind of like a predetermined fact that I always need to look nice when I leave the house. But it's also a choice of mine. Like I make this choice. I choose to want to be sexually attractive. Also, can people can choose otherwise, I guess.
00:42:30
Speaker
But what I'm trying to say is that it's not only about a i don't know, trimming the pubes or whatever. i know that some women, that's important to them. It's not only about making sure that, I don't know, if you have a beard, that your beard looks nice and it looks kept and like your shirt doesn't have stains on it and you smell nice and you took a shower and stuff like that, which is also important and should be a prerequisite.
00:42:54
Speaker
But it's also about behavior, right? Like Do you treat me kindly? Do you text me in a timely manner? Do you make dinner for me? Do you accommodate my requests?
00:43:05
Speaker
These are all things that lead to sexual attraction. You want to feel pampered even before you start making out, right? That sets the scene. That's also really important. And that's part of being sexually attractive as a mate.
00:43:19
Speaker
ol You know what? You mentioned something in your email. You were saying there was an amazing convo that happened between your mom and your brother. Oh, it's so funny. It's so funny. i really want to do this one. He thinks he's a nine, huh? Out of 10, he's a minor. Okay, okay. So it goes like this. It goes like this. Let me set the scene. My brother is a pretty old bachelor.
00:43:40
Speaker
He's 43. And he, let's say he didn't have a lot of relationships. As for his own reasons, we're not going to dive into that. And my mom is a very, very blunt person, as you'll see. But she doesn't mean... it She's just like... She's Soviet. So it's just the way they be. So they were like out on a trip or something. And my brother was sharing that there was like some kind of social fact ah faction that the girls were like...
Humor and Gender Self-Perception
00:44:06
Speaker
You know, my mom was asking like, oh, were there single girls? Did you meet anybody? And was like, yeah, well, none of the girls were like above seven. And she was like, I'm not familiar with this way of grading people by a number, which is already so fucking great. I hate what men do this.
00:44:24
Speaker
Me too. And then she was like, well, what do you think you are? Yeah. And he's like, I'm nine. I'm a nine. Let me tell you, my brother is not a nine.
00:44:36
Speaker
And my mom is like, you're not a nine.
00:44:43
Speaker
You're a bit short. That already, like, dog's one pulling off. You're a a bit closed off. You're... You're seven on a good day.
00:44:53
Speaker
My mom said this to her son.
00:44:58
Speaker
Seven on a good What a woman. You're seven on a good day by your mom. This is pretty bad.
00:45:09
Speaker
Okay. This story was so delightful for me. But this is amazing. but like Men really live in alternate universes. There's like a dove ah research, like a poll that I heard the statistics of. I'm not going to say the numbers, but basically very few women think that they're pretty.
00:45:28
Speaker
And a lot of men think that they're handsome. Like... Tens of percents for men and single digits percents for women. And we all know that, like, generally speaking, women are more beautiful than men.
00:45:41
Speaker
But our perception is that we always need to do better. There's somebody that's more attractive than us. There are a lot of really beautiful women around and we are not as attractive as them.
00:45:51
Speaker
Or we have a few extra kilos or pounds or la-la-la-la-la-la-la. But for men, they look in the mirror, they see a huge belly, a balding head, and they think I am God's gift to women.
00:46:08
Speaker
That's how they think.
00:46:11
Speaker
ah Can I just give a special shout out to Patricia's mom? Like, we need more boy moms like that. That is what boy moms are missing. Amazing. Yeah, for real. For real. And what's interesting is like the two brothers I have are very traditionally handsome.
00:46:28
Speaker
One looks like a Calvin Klein model and he's 6'7". The other, like the meaning of tall, dark and handsome, he's six four But when you look at the difference in like the relationships they've had with women, it is night and day because one has always, because he's always been a bit of a peacock, the tall, dark and handsome one. And he just had women like throwing themselves at him wherever he went.
00:46:50
Speaker
The one who looks like a Calvin Klein model is actually like an international doctor. And so he was always in like the backwoods of countries where, you know, the cultural divides were too wide for him to be dating local women.
00:47:03
Speaker
And he doesn't think he's attractive in the slightest. Like, he still thinks about himself like he's like this gangly, awkward young boy, you know, in the shadow of his older, good-looking brother. And it's just so interesting to see, like, how that shaped their relationships with themselves and with the women in their lives.
Character Over Physical Attractiveness
00:47:20
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:20
Speaker
So I always find it interesting to hear stories. But like what I do notice is that my mom really never gassed up either of those brothers. My mom was not a boy mom. She was just a mom, you know, and her interests were like, are you polite? Are you kind? Are you generous? Those were her concerns. Like the boys all washed the kitchen floor and did the dishes and could do their own laundry, you know, and which actually the women that they ended up marrying are always just like, I couldn't imagine being with anybody other than your brother because.
00:47:50
Speaker
He's cleaner around the house than I am. And I'm like, wow, that I hear that's not so common, you know, but it's very interesting to hear like your mom speaking straight facts and my mom just being like, you know, looks were never a consideration for her. It was always about your character.
00:48:06
Speaker
That's so good. Right. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. She was so wise. And that's why I feel I've really benefited from, you know, coming into my own as an adult and also having FDS enter the scene. It really kind of gave me that edge of like, I have developed myself into who I think is an admirable human being.
00:48:27
Speaker
I'm proud of who I have become. Why would I waste this on any Tom, Dick or Harry? Why would I just allow any old man to come into my house and sleep in my bed? I wouldn't. It's detrimental for you to do that. Yes, it's dangerous.
00:48:41
Speaker
It's dangerous. And it's like, exactly like you said, the first cause of women's death is the man that they live with. It is really, really fucking important. And like a life or death matter for us to value ourselves.
00:48:55
Speaker
And it doesn't matter if you don't think that you're a nine. It doesn't matter if you think that you don't have to be the most attractive person in the world and you don't have to be the most attractive. I don't know, accomplished person. and It doesn't matter.
00:49:06
Speaker
You should value yourself. That is your prerogative. And that is even your obligation. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. And if the person in front of you can see that and reflect that and honor that, good. If not, thank you next.
00:49:23
Speaker
You know, it's not a personal thing. It's both not a personal thing and it's the most intensely personal thing. It's such a fun paradoxical conversation that we're having. And something I want to point out, if I can...
00:49:34
Speaker
cite your email one last time. This is what Patricia wrote as the overlaying principle is this. All of this stems from a basic truth. Sex and sexuality is not something that's done to us or for us.
00:49:51
Speaker
It is a beautiful creative act that is done together and enjoyed together. And that's the only way to do it, ladies. If you can't do it that way, don't do it at all.
00:50:02
Speaker
Absolutely. That's what it's all about because it it shouldn't be for somebody else or at your expense. And I find it really sad that people drift apart so early in their relationships.
00:50:14
Speaker
I feel like I was kind of on the verge of maybe diving into that with the last person I was seeing because it was comfortable enough and like okay enough for me to stay there.
00:50:25
Speaker
But at some point I just realized that If I do keep going, like I can marry this person and indeed without fail, within three to five years, we will never have sex again.
00:50:37
Speaker
Never. Well, we're just going to live like that. And I think a lot of people live like that. And it's not only about physical features. It's about something deeper. I think it's about like living in your truth and being with somebody that allows you to be your authentic self. I think that's basically what it's about.
00:50:54
Speaker
It's not basic. It's not basic at all. It's very deep. What's the point of being alive if we're not like living to the fullest, you know? yeah I totally agree with you. it's I'll tell you what the point is. Sometimes this pool of, like I said, like I want to settle
Balancing Rational and Instinctual Understanding
00:51:10
Speaker
down, right? Like people who are listening to this podcast are, they do want to settle down or they do want to find somebody that they like enough to spend a long time with.
00:51:19
Speaker
And sometimes that drive is so powerful that it makes us kind of omit out of the equation this very substantial thing.
00:51:31
Speaker
And I would also like to add before that when you were talking about being based in our bodies, I really love that you're saying that. And i would also want to add that we don't know that much.
00:51:43
Speaker
If we just use our brain, our cerebral brain, It's very limited. There is much more than wicked can that we can access if we also let our bodies lead the way. And in a way, saying this, like let our bodies lead the way, it's kind of another way of saying releasing some of the control of our minds or releasing some of the illusion that we know that this box that we hold at the top of our bodies No.
00:52:13
Speaker
here Yeah. Well said. Very well said. I cannot think of anything else I feel that I need to contribute to this conversation other than the last sentence that you wrote in this amazing
Final Thoughts on Standards and Effort
00:52:24
Speaker
email. When this popped into my email inbox, Patricia, I was like, what?
00:52:28
Speaker
Yes. What a great idea that I quickly went and read your awesome email. At the bottom, she says, for all you scrotes listening, groom yourselves, get us flowers, die mad.
00:52:40
Speaker
Yep. And that's all I have to say about that. See you next time. See you next time. Thanks, Patricia. Love you all. Bye bye. Take care.