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What Is FDS: Rekindling The Communal Flame
536 Plays8 hours ago
Welcome back, queens! We are hyped and honored to kick-start the new era of FDS, and we hope to bring back the liveliness and zest of the OG days. We shall do our best
Buckle up for the first episode of the year. We are going to publish every other week and make sure we are consistent before getting back to weekly episodes, and ultimately open the subscriber-only content back up.
As we shared on Savanna's Swan Song (last pod), If you are still subscribed to the Patreon, we very much value your contribution that goes solely towards production and maintenance costs at the moment.
FOR YOUR REFLECTION:
pillars of FDS, or layers of the cake, or stories of the pyramid
- Leveling up - "who do I want to be?"
- Standards and boundaries
- Date with intention - continuous vetting that reflects (2)
SEND US YOUR
- Level-up stories
- Roast-a-scrote tales
- Advice (tough love)
- Guest suggestions
at: contact@femaledatingstrategy.com
We love you all and are super excited to restart the conversation and to keep the flame alive 👑
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
What's up, queens? Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet. I'm your host, Patricia. And I am Rose. And Patricia, I love the glee. I love the revelry in your voice when you're like, we are the meanest. Yes! It's one of those things where, like, you know, sometimes movement starts and they have a very intense criticism against them.
00:00:27
Speaker
And then they take that for their own. Like even impressionism, that was like kind of a swear word that was used against them in a first art gallery exhibition. And then they were like, yeah, we are Impressionists. Like, it felt unserious.
00:00:40
Speaker
If I'm not wrong, it was like a Vox article or something that called the subreddit, the FDS subreddit, like, really mean. And they were like, yeah, we are mean.
Embracing Assertiveness Over Niceness
00:00:50
Speaker
but but And? I was saying this to Patricia the pre-show. I was like, listen, I have really had to embrace. And this, I was so happy when I found FDS, partly because it was so mean, because as someone who comes from Minnesota, which if you're not from the United States, you don't know this, but we are known for being Minnesota nice. That's a whole thing. But it's really just like passive aggressive politeness, but it's still inbred in me, you know? And so what I've had to work on as I've
00:01:16
Speaker
and FDS has helped me immeasurably is I've really let go of this idea of having to be nice, especially as a woman. And I've held true to the ethos that I should be kind. I ought to be kind. And that's something I work on, but fuck niceness, man. Be as mean as you need to be because this world will take advantage.
00:01:34
Speaker
That's exactly it. And this exactly connects to what we want to discuss today, which is basically rekindling the communal fire, having everybody brought back together to the core FDS values, which are basically about being discerning and putting yourself first, not in a It is in a self-serving way, but you know what? We're just regaining the balance. It's not about being mean. It's about doing for yourself what everybody's doing for themselves, which is to take care of yourself and to mitigate your investment into things, specifically into dating, but it can also be other things based on what you're getting back. And this is something that we've kind of been socialized out of.
Societal Expectations and Female Dynamics
00:02:13
Speaker
100% and it's been to our detriment. I feel like if women were more selfish and self-serving and if women were meaner, we would not have nearly the mortality rates that we do, especially when it comes to because I feel like partly they've set up this artificial predator-prey dynamic. That's what patriarchy has done, right? It's set up men as the predators and women as the prey. and what has helped achieve that throughout these years of patriarchy has been this idea that women just need to be nice.
00:02:45
Speaker
We should be accommodating. We should be considered. It should be for the good of all. It should be for the communal benefits that we orient our lives and our efforts and all of our energies. But if only 50% of the population is oriented that way, what does that tell
Defining FDS Through Metaphors
00:03:00
Speaker
us? I mean, you know, kind of do the math right there.
00:03:03
Speaker
And not to, I totally agree with you. I do want to caveat that that is a powerful thing that we as women bring, but that needs to be mitigated just to protect ourselves. And indeed, with this really tragic example that you bring of femicide, it's not to blame the victims, but indeed the things that we allow in relationships as women are getting, like our being our boundaries are being pushed in rather than out.
00:03:30
Speaker
And this is what we're here to discuss. We're here to discuss what is FDS. What is FDS? Please tell me. Female dating strategy. What is it about?
00:03:41
Speaker
Well, female dating strategy. Well, some things that I often find helpful for myself when I'm trying to find a definition is i first go ah over what it is not.
00:03:52
Speaker
Okay. So for example, if you go to get, this is an unrelated example, but I think you'll see my point. If I go to a hairstylist and I want a haircut, but I don't know what haircut I want, I'm that's it The hairstylist doesn't know what to do. But if I tell my hairstylist, oh, I don't like layers. I don't like bangs. My hair is really fine. I have this colic here. All of this information about what I don't like and what I'm dealing with as far as my own struggles, they integrate that and it gives them the ideas for what might really work for me. That's how I've learned how to be like, oh, now I know I like a blunt cut or now I know I need to have a shorter haircut. i need to be like more of a bob person because that's just what's best for my hair. But that's been through trial and error. And a lot of the error has been just learning to be like, oh, this doesn't work. That doesn't work. What can we do without using these
Empowerment and Personal Growth Through FDS
00:04:40
Speaker
things in the repertoire?
00:04:42
Speaker
I like that. I like that example because a lot of the times we understand things through restrictions. Exactly. For what we take away. And this is something in that all of your lives. If there's something where an expert is saying, well, what do you want? What do you want?
00:04:56
Speaker
Give me your idea. What is your vision? And you don't know. Most likely what you do know is what you don't want. So just start from there. Yeah, it's a good way to plan it. You know, it's a starting point and it gives them useful information to take into the calculus. So with FDS, one of the ways I think about it is what it is not. It is not 4B.
00:05:17
Speaker
It is not a separatist movement. I'm just going to jump in and say that 4B is a social movement that says we don't want to date men at all. We don't want to have babies with men. We don't want to marry men. We won't date them.
00:05:29
Speaker
Mm hmm. I mean, to the extent that like if we could only ever deal with women in, you know, business relationships or in household issues like they're trying to basically completely separate themselves from the world of men, all more all the more power to them. Honestly, I feel like it's about time women have that ability to make that choice for themselves. But that's not what FDS is. Right.
00:05:50
Speaker
It is not separatism. Indeed. We're not separatism, right? we're not And also, we're not like, oh, you should only ever date women, like women loving women. That's a whole other movement, which also I actually really like. But again, like if you're a cis hetero woman, your interest is in dating cis hetero men. And that's actually just totally fine and normal. Yes. okay It's like the majority of the dating world, and yet we've been made to feel like it's somehow...
00:06:16
Speaker
erroneous or anti-nature to have these inclinations. And I think that's just ridiculous. Like there's a reason why the human race is still around and it's because of these cisgendered relationships typically. So what FDS is about is dating.
00:06:31
Speaker
We are here to explore the world of women dating men, what that means for us as a whole and individually, what does it mean on both the micro level and the macro. Micro like...
00:06:43
Speaker
How do you decide who you want your carpenter or your electrician to be? Macro is making sure you're supporting women's friendships and encouraging them to put themselves first always.
00:06:55
Speaker
That's, I think, a start of what FDS is. or What would you say, Patricia? I really love that overview. And I also want to touch upon something that you said, which is like what you feel when something is wrong.
00:07:06
Speaker
And then you're saying like to yourself, not this. This is an important feeling. It's part of being connected to your intuition and feeling what is wrong for you. And that's actually how I got to FDS.
00:07:17
Speaker
I'm going to tell the story shortly. i also want to hear about your story. So my origin story was that I was in a relationship for more than a year and a half. We were living together because I was like in my kind of early 30s and I was really intent on settling down, having children. And because I was not an FDSer yet, and also to my benefit, I will say I was like in a low point in my life generally.
00:07:44
Speaker
So I don't think my self-esteem is was where it usually is. Anyways, was in a relationship where I wasn't feeling loved. I wasn't feeling actually chosen or like, you know, in a directed way, like this person really is choosing to be with me fully.
00:08:01
Speaker
Some of the times he did, but some of the time he didn't. And I stayed there and I made excuses for him. And I tried to make it work when in actuality, I couldn't face reality, which is i need to let go of this person.
00:08:14
Speaker
Like I need to let go of my stress of having babies and to see that this person is not good for me. Until eventually push came to shove. He went away abroad after he like for a short trip, after he did something like I'll get into it maybe in a different episode, but yeah, he was not being okay. Let's say it like that. And I finally got brains. And you know what I did?
00:08:37
Speaker
i decided one-sidedly, this is over. No more conversations. No more trying to deal with things. No more communication. I just went around the house with big black plastic bags, emptied all of his stuff into the big plastic bags, put it all in our spare room, blocked him on every platform,
00:08:59
Speaker
Not before I informed him, we are done, come get your stuff. And then he shortened his trip, came back, but I wasn't there. I was at my friend's house the whole day and he was blocked on every platform. So he sent me an email.
00:09:13
Speaker
Amazing. Oh my gosh. Listeners, do you hear this? Do you hear the beauty of the simplicity of this? It's really painful and I never finished a relationship like that. It was really painful for me that i let myself, and this is the point, I let myself received this behavior.
00:09:33
Speaker
I was asking myself
Overcoming Self-Betrayal and Upholding Boundaries
00:09:34
Speaker
the question, and this is something that I see resonating a lot after people end relationships or relationships end for them, and they realize this was not good for a while, and they ask themselves the question, what in me allowed me to stay in this for so long?
00:09:50
Speaker
And this question really hurts. Because it's not about the trust in front of another person that may have broken your trust. It's your trust with yourself. That's really painful. And that's something that needs mending.
00:10:01
Speaker
This is when I realized not this. And I started looking for things. started looking for answers or new questions to ask. And that's how I found out yes.
00:10:12
Speaker
Damn, Patricia, that's so well said. I think that I know when I've had things end disastrously or even just allowed myself to be involved with people who were clearly awful people. Afterwards, what I really struggled with the most was the self-betrayal, was the shaken faith in my own judgment.
00:10:29
Speaker
How did I get so far gone? And I just like you say, it's ah my faith in myself was shaken. And that is it. That's a terrible thing. But if you're dating then, that probably has happened to you more than once. And it's not to say that your faith or that your judgment is not sound. But I think you're right that the boundaries around our judgment have been hemmed in and pushed and pulled in so many directions to accommodate everybody but ourselves. Yeah.
00:10:56
Speaker
So learning how to hold those boundaries, learning how to increase them, put even more boundaries in place, put even more self-respect into place. That's where I think FDS really comes in clutch.
00:11:08
Speaker
I think the most important thing to understand about boundaries is that a boundary only exists if you uphold it. The meaning of a boundary is that beyond that point, you are not playing anymore. You're not in the game anymore.
00:11:21
Speaker
That's what a boundary means. Yeah, if it's only theoretical, it's not an actual boundary. Exactly. Sorry, not sorry. if it's in the du but If it's in the quantum realm, probably not applicable to your day-to-day. Hence, not applicable in general. So what we want is to have these boundaries be ironclad. Or if it takes a ding, how do we go about repairing it? How about how do we go about shoring it up again? And also just like consoling ourselves that it's okay to be human and it's okay to have these things tested to be tried. And we're not always going to come out
00:11:54
Speaker
on the winning end. But you've got to think about it like it's a battle versus the war. Ultimately, we want you to win the war of of love and life. And that means that sometimes there are battles and skirmishes that you might lose. But we build upon that wisdom. We grow it. We combine forces with our sisters and our fellow queens. And that's how I think we ultimately win the war. And again, this is where I think FDS has been extremely instrumental because it has gathered so much collective wisdom. I had never before seen... on the scale that I did when FDS came on Reddit, I had never seen so many women's voices.
00:12:28
Speaker
And I had never seen so many stories be the same. Because until that point, we'd never been able to crowdsource women across the globe. We really hadn't harnessed social media in that way. And I think that's what we're seeing now. And Patricia and I have talked about this. The feminist media landscape has changed so much in the last five years to the greater good. But back when FDS started on the subreddit, like in 2019, it was a completely different landscape. And I like to think that FDS has had something to do with like the ship coming aright as far as our goals and our objectives as as being women who want to be in loving, caring, mutually beneficial relationships. It's interesting to hear how I liked hearing about you.
00:13:10
Speaker
First of all, your story is amazing and it's like goals for life. OK, just grab a plastic bag, put all their shit in it and block them everywhere. Yes. I also found it very interesting that you said, you know, you went looking for answers and you went looking for questions that you hadn't thought to ask.
00:13:27
Speaker
Would you give me a little bit more insight into that? I think that's fascinating. Thanks. Very well said. I will. I would like to challenge you in a friendly way about the term war.
00:13:40
Speaker
Like, I don't feel like this is war that I want to wage in terms of finding my boundaries and negotiating them. Because I think if there is ah conflict or a vibe or of war vibe, that's when I step away. That's when I protect my peace.
00:13:56
Speaker
But indeed, I do agree with the larger point of These boundaries, like people today maybe sometimes use the word boundaries as kind of like a cure-all, psychologically-healthy, regulated magic buzzword.
00:14:09
Speaker
It's not what it is. Boundaries are indeed negotiated through time. Sometimes you think your boundary is there, but actually it's a bit closer, or a bit farther, and you negotiate them with yourself.
Voicing Values and Personal Empowerment
00:14:20
Speaker
And it's okay if your boundaries are negotiated over time. However, it is important that the boundary means... that you're walking away. a boundary means that you're disengaging.
00:14:32
Speaker
But we're going to talk about that a little bit later. What you asked me about what questions to ask, this is something I actually heard ah in a political podcast that, like by a political scholar, he said something really thought invoking that...
00:14:47
Speaker
The person who sets the tone in a political landscape is not the one that has the right answer for a question, but rather the one that poses the question that is asked. If you get to pose the question upon which people are arguing if it's yay or nay,
00:15:04
Speaker
You have set the tone. The person who asked the question, that's who set the tone. So I guess that's like a general thing to say. But specifically when I was going through my, let's say, transformation or trying to understand what I want to be, this is exactly what I was asking myself. I was asking myself, who do i want to be?
00:15:24
Speaker
And then the answer to that is the first pillar of FDS, the first pillar of fds which is leveling up Every journey, f every FDS journey starts exactly with this moment where a person understands between themselves that their values are not where they want them to be.
00:15:45
Speaker
Reality had played out with their behavior, with their values being enacted on reality. And they have seen that their values are not representing who they want to be. And so that first stage is leveling up.
00:15:57
Speaker
And that could be working on your finances. That can be mostly, I would say, working on your psychological health. But maybe, i don't know, maybe you're in debt or maybe you have serious life shit that you need to deal with. Like I was going through a very serious health problem in the last year. I'm kind of still in it.
00:16:15
Speaker
But there was a moment where I needed to tell myself in a truthful way, I actually don't have space today right now. I'm actually focused on my health. And that's okay. It's okay to do that.
00:16:26
Speaker
But the organizing principle of leveling up or the strategy there is have a good baseline. You want to get to a place where you're happy, where you are saying goal.
00:16:38
Speaker
And this is super important because... The whole thing, i think the whole, the a very strong part of this philosophy is that we want to date men, but we don't want to sacrifice our good for the sake of being in a relationship with men, which is what socialization makes us do.
00:16:56
Speaker
We really value being in a relationship and then we give up on ourselves. And that's okay a little bit. Every relationship requires compromise. But if you do that a lot, you end up suffering or dead. Sorry, that's the reality. Like, shit is serious.
00:17:11
Speaker
So level up is the first thing. I talked a lot. What do you think about that? No, I love it. I mean, when you have something to say, i want you to embrace it wholeheartedly. I think women are so quick. We're so quick to cut ourselves off or to ask, like, is there something you want to respond with? Like, that's all legit. I do like the platonic method of like, I'm going to pose a question and I want to hear what you have to say. But really, Patricia, I do want to hear what you have to say. When you have thoughts in your heart and you can speak them, it is such a powerful force in this world.
00:17:42
Speaker
Look at that, guys. You hear that? I want you to know. I have the best co-host.
00:17:49
Speaker
Thank you. i mean, i was talking about this with Patricia as we're kind of getting to know each other a little better. And I was saying to her, you know, I'm somebody who actually really struggles to talk. And I know it would if people in my real life heard that, you know, most of them would laugh because I I've learned to become a sociable person because that's what society demands. It's what enables you to have an easier life, to get better jobs, to get better pay. So I've learned and practiced how to be a sociable person because it pays dividends.
00:18:20
Speaker
But growing up, I had a father who was extremely negative towards me talking whatsoever. He absolutely despised me having any opinion, me voicing any objection or argument to anything.
00:18:32
Speaker
It was shut down. It was shut down with force. And actually, let me just take it aside. I appreciate that you mentioned that about war. I'm using it in a purely like, not an illusion, but what's like a linguistic way? It's a metaphor, right? It's metaphorical, right? Obviously, we want it to be peace and love. So thank you for correcting that. I think that was a good pushback.
00:18:52
Speaker
But I grew up in a house that was a battlefield and women were always to be the losers, you know. And so when I finally got out into the world, I really had to push myself to speak. Like when I did my graduate program, it was agony to speak up in the seminars or at a colloquium. It was like my tongue was tied. My heart was breaking out into palpitations. It just felt like it was end of the world kind of thing. And I've just kept pushing through over the years. And actually, that was why when I applied to be an FDS host, that was a real breakthrough for me. My therapist was extremely pleased because i was working to enact my values into the real world.
00:19:30
Speaker
Right. wanted to become the person that I knew i could be and that I should be. It was like keep letting myself not talk because of how my father set the tone when I was a child. Then he's still winning years after he's gone. Right.
00:19:43
Speaker
Am I going to let him win for the rest of my life? Like, I want to win for me. Because I think what I have to say is of value. And I think it does matter to other women that they hear us speak.
00:19:54
Speaker
So I was really, really pleased when I ended up getting this gig because it was like, OK, I'm going to practice this now. I'm going to put it into I'm going to put it into practice that I'm going become who I've always known and I could be. And I think that is what FDS has meant to me all in all.
00:20:07
Speaker
There have been so many moments, just small moments, minor moments where i've paused and thought back to what they said about like leveling up, becoming the best version of yourself, treating yourself as a queen, viewing yourself as a queen. If I don't feel myself as a queen in my own life, whoever will?
00:20:24
Speaker
The queen never doubts herself when it's amongst her public. She can't in her private life. She's human too. But I think the way we carry ourselves in public does have a lot to do with how we are received and how we're treated in return.
Family Dynamics and Self-Worth
00:20:37
Speaker
I think FDS has been super instrumental in that regard for me, just like coming to own my majesty. Your majesty. i love that. And I also really loved you hearing you say to enact your vo enact your values in the real world.
00:20:52
Speaker
I think that's super impactful. That was also, in a way, one of the answers, one of the recurring answers that I got to the question, who do I want to be? It's a lot of bounds being a lot about being self-directed.
00:21:04
Speaker
Exactly like you said, like you birth within you a certain value an entity that you wish to become. And then you go forth in the world and you do it.
00:21:16
Speaker
Yes. I think that's where, especially in this like social media and online saturated world, it's really easy to see all these people with their podcasts or their Instagram feeds or, you know, TikTok. There's so many different ways in which people are out there talking and saying that they are these things.
00:21:36
Speaker
But you don't actually know if they're doing that in their real life. Like, it's really easy to talk. It's one of the words are cheap at the end of the day. What's extremely difficult is to translate words into action. I've been putting off and delaying getting this dissertation done for years at this point and finally connected with my advisor at the end of last year. And she was like, are we ready to finish this? Let's do it.
00:21:59
Speaker
And I'm like, you know what? Yes, this is my this is one of my 2026 goals. I'm going to finish the dissertation and defend it and officially get my Ph.D. Am I going to do anything? No, yeah. No, I don't want to. i don't want to go into academia at this point, but I want the Ph.D. for me.
00:22:15
Speaker
Hell yeah. I think it's satisfying or something. And it's also really easy. On the other hand, it's really easy to put something off when you don't have somebody, you know, blowing down your neck and you don't have to do it. It's for you.
00:22:27
Speaker
Exactly. Exactly. And that's something where, you know, for the longest time, i think the other the facet of that is i was so mired in self-doubt.
00:22:38
Speaker
I would rather have failed without trying than have tried and failed. But at this point, I've had such growth that I realize i can bet on myself. I can count on myself. If I fail, I'll find a way.
00:22:51
Speaker
If I fail, I'll find a way to turn the failure into a success. What I have what i have now is a level of self-trust that I didn't even a few years ago. That's super cool.
00:23:02
Speaker
That is how we we're meant to grow. We're meant to change. We're meant to evolve in this world. And if you feel like you're stuck, like we have all been there and I'm sure we'll be there again. It's just human nature. It's just life in a nutshell. But I think having faith that in yourself, you is the most powerful tool you can ever have. And I think especially when it comes to dating, having that faith in yourself is instrumental.
00:23:25
Speaker
It is very instrumental. It is very important as a base because indeed when we start dating somebody, when we'll, you know what, I'm going to leave that because I want to talk about basically three pillars of FDS or maybe, i don't know if it's pillars because they stand, it's kind of a layered cake. Yeah.
00:23:43
Speaker
Where the first soe level of the cake is the leveling up, like creating a very stable base for yourself. And of course, as you said, we are an evolving entity. We are always changing. We are always finding ways to improve ourselves and and what you would sorry and ways in which we can make ourselves more accurate and more in tune with how we want to be in the world.
00:24:04
Speaker
And it's also okay that we fail sometimes or that we have weekdays or flop days. That's all fine. It's part of the journey. But then the second part is indeed the standards and the boundaries.
00:24:16
Speaker
And that stems, it's kind of like leveling up is just to you with yourself. And then standards and boundaries is the reflection of that or the outpour of that into the world around you.
00:24:27
Speaker
Like you said, the queen can still be a queen in her private chambers, but then she holds audience, right? Right. The public, the societal. Right. This is where we're talking about the macro, right? In your own world, it's one thing.
00:24:41
Speaker
Then you move on to the world outside your front door. That's the public, the social. if You know, maybe it's a pyramid in that case, Patricia. Like the solid foundation, the the core of it all, the base of the mighty pyramid is leveling up self-trust, self-judgment, self-faith.
00:24:59
Speaker
Self-regulation, I would add. Oh, that's a big one. That is a huge one, actually. oof It is. Yeah. ah that's I'm still working on that myself. Me too, me too. Right? it's a long it's it on It's a lifelong process. But after that, we move up the pyramid.
00:25:15
Speaker
It narrows a little bit in that sense in that it's like you in a one-on-one situation or even in a work situation or even in the grocery store or driving in your car. That's exactly it, because bullshit at work, bullshit from your family, which is to call it bullshit is a bit minimizing it.
00:25:30
Speaker
But that's a big motive for you. I think for you, Rose, lot of your FDS journey has impacted the way that you relate or actually don't relate to your family and the freedom you give yourself to do that.
00:25:43
Speaker
That's so true. How did you have I made that clear? I'm glad he's like, i' like this you say that all the time. Maybe not at these specific chords, but that's the message that you can convey.
00:25:54
Speaker
Good. Okay, good. Because I think so often of I have some friends who have healthy families, but they're few and far between. You know, who have healthy, supportive, loving, caring families like I wish that were the norm. But sadly, I don't. That's not how I've had it in my life, nor in the lives of my acquaintances and friends. You know, growing up, I was taught like everything we say in this house stays in this house. Right. The abuser's edict. No, don't let anybody know what happens in this house.
00:26:21
Speaker
um This is our own private business. Right. And again, part of my like breaking those chains and pushing out on those boundaries was like, no, I'm going to talk about this. i'm going to talk about this publicly. Like this was a bad thing. This was abusive. This was not right. I was mistreated.
00:26:36
Speaker
And I think other women need to hear this. I think it's extremely hard for us to acknowledge how painful it might have been for so many of us in our homes because it's supposed to be the one safe place in the world. Right. It's supposed to be your haven. And until I bought my own place in 2024 and moved into my own home, I never realized how unsafe and unmoored I felt. I didn't even know until I actually moved into a place that I owned, where I was like, I am queen of this castle.
00:27:04
Speaker
Nobody can ever kick me out. Nobody is ever permitted in here unless by my leave. And something happened, like something unlocked in my chest, and And i would never have known if I hadn't finally committed to myself and my life and bought myself a home.
00:27:21
Speaker
That's amazing. Thank you. It really is amazing. I'm really happy for you and I'm really proud of you. Not that I can be proud of you, but thank you. um It's beautiful that you were able to purchase a house for yourself. I think that's super cool. And I also think it's super, very impactful way to regain power to, yes, talk about what happened.
00:27:42
Speaker
Because when we lock it inside shame and we keep it for ourselves, we remain victims. And that's kind of us saying what happened was not okay, but it's kind of okay.
00:27:52
Speaker
And when you start talking about it, that's a way of you to say, this is not okay and it's not my fault. That's right. And you give other people permission To do the same. I was so ashamed for so long about how I was mistreated. I just thought I was treated the way I was because I was wrong somehow.
00:28:10
Speaker
Something within me, something about me was not right. that Why else would somebody treat me like that? My own parent, right? Well, of course, therapy helped shift those parameters of my vision. And also just seeing families who were really loving and caring. I was like, oh, oh well, that's what it's supposed to be like. um Maybe something is right, you know, but I think time also gives you that perspective if you're paying attention. And so what I found as I've become more comfortable, even now it's, I don't like talking about it because it it doesn't define me. Like I define myself, but it is an important part of my journey.
00:28:46
Speaker
And I still share it so that people who might still feel ashamed, people who still feel might compelled to silence themselves, can start to unlock those inner chambers themselves and free themselves. Because that's what we all deserve. We all deserve to be free from that abuse and that shame.
00:29:00
Speaker
And I think that's a huge part when it comes to dating, because for so long, when I look back on my dating history, it's like, oh, my God, it was just a series of catastrophes. And like I said, that had catastrophes and chaos. It just reaffirmed my whole mistaken belief. What is something's wrong with me? Well, it wasn't something was wrong with me. was I had wrong ideas. That was what had to change. That's what had to shift. Therapy was my first step in that journey. FDS was the next step.
00:29:26
Speaker
And I think FDS was what really brought around. i feel bad for my therapist. She worked with me for so long and so assiduously. She was a praise. God bless her. Gal, the goddesses, bless her. She's amazing. But like, i remember this last, I met up with her for coffee in October.
00:29:43
Speaker
Quick aside, if you, if I can beg your leave, I had met up with her just to check in We're still friends. Like nobody's my bigger cheerleader, especially now that my mom has passed. And, And we were talking and I told her like, hey, I'd gone to visit this one brother who I still try with from time to time because i otherwise I have no family left. Right. He's the best of the worst. Right.
00:30:04
Speaker
it That's what I call the best of the worst. Yes, exactly. Right. And I was like, so I'd gone to visit him. but I really wanted to see his kids. I wanted to be the auntie and like do what I could to still have a brother. And the trip went so poorly. And it wasn't due to any depth of effort on my part. Like I flew across the ocean. i came bearing thousands of gifts, like thousands of dollars of gifts. You know, like I was the easiest guest. like I was washing every dish. Right. And at the end, when I got home, I was like, wow, I feel so bad. I feel so unappreciated and unloved after I did this effort. And i was like, so therapist, I think I'm ready to to withdraw my efforts. You know, I've been working with him for a long time and trying and trying. But I think at this point, I think he just merely tolerates me. I don't think he actually likes me. And she's like, I've been trying to get you to see this for 10 years. Yeah.
00:30:59
Speaker
And I was like, I know, I'm sorry. It took me forever. But I really think FDS was what really kind of because FDS would say, hey, it's not just your boyfriends and your husbands. It's your fathers. It's your brothers. It's your uncles. It's your sons.
00:31:12
Speaker
And that was what I really, i think somehow I had separated in my mind, like romantic male interests were in a different category. And so like they could treat me in certain ways, but it's all's fair in love and war. I still had that mentality back then, but your brother and your father, they're like Sankroset.
00:31:31
Speaker
They're sacrosanct. They're supposed to be the holy of holies. They're supposed to be the ones who love you beyond recall, without judgment, without borders. And I really started to look. And after like I said, after that last trip, I was like, oh, I really, you know what? FDS would tell me, don't bother.
00:31:49
Speaker
and I'm not saying I'm not going to be a sister. I'm not saying i'm going to drop out of being an auntie or like I'm never going to talk to him again. But I finally wrapped my head around the fact that I have to protect myself. I have to withdraw my energies and my efforts. I'm open to his overtures, but I will no longer be extending myself in any way.
00:32:10
Speaker
That was a beautiful story. Thanks, Patricia. I feel like you still wanted to say one more thing or... well No, just that's what FDS, that's applying the practice. That's exactly it.
00:32:22
Speaker
It really conveys this notion of when you are with yourself at a place that is healthy, with time, your standards and boundaries are just going to fall into place and it's going to be easy.
00:32:34
Speaker
You don't need to work hard hard to set boundaries and tell texts to people, this is crossing a boundary for me. It's ridiculous. You just know where your energy is not met and you take a step back because you protect your energy, your resources, your heart because you value yourself. And it happens so easily. It happens spontaneously.
00:32:55
Speaker
And that's what my therapist was just like, oh, hallelujah, at last. And you like the coin finally dropped. And I was like, yeah. And now I just feel in many ways I feel much lighter about it because there was a heaviness from still trying and from directing from misdirecting energy in that
Future Plans for the Podcast
00:33:10
Speaker
quarter. And again, i think one of the reasons why I was able to finally afford my house create a career and a life for myself that gave myself the financial security, the stability was because I had finally withdrawn my efforts from family quarters. I had finally said, you know what, this isn't getting me anything other than misery and heartbreak. And especially coming from ah a culture where like family is venerated, nothing is more important that family is basically a cult.
00:33:37
Speaker
was how I was brought up. Yeah, I'm sure it was not easy for you to do that. It's not easy. It's painful. It's very painful. It is. And it's lonely and it's all these other things. And I think, again, this was a micro example of what it's like in the dating world. You know, it can be painful. It can be lonely.
00:33:53
Speaker
And when those moments happen, withdraw and regain your strength and renew your own belief in yourself. This was something I had mentioned at Savannah's Swanson. was like, listen, guys, I'm getting ready to date again.
00:34:06
Speaker
And this was huge because, again, i feel like it's the last couple of years where I'm like, OK, I've cared for myself. I've nurtured myself. I've gained a greater clarity in myself and my value. And so now I can go out into the world of dating because I'm not going to take personally whatever these men dish out. Because it doesn't have anything to do with me, really.
00:34:27
Speaker
Unless they choose me. Unless they choose to cherish me. I think when you were mentioning Patricia, you were like, sometimes he treated me how I needed to be treated. Other times, it wasn't good.
00:34:37
Speaker
And I think what you were looking for is like, we're looking to be cherished. Because if I love you... Nobody cherishes you more than I do. Nobody adores and honors you more than I will. And that's what I'm looking for in return. I don't need all the men in the world to treat me like that. I just need one man. And again, FTS is about finding that one relationship, that one man where you are being fulfilled in all the ways that you need to be fulfilled.
00:35:04
Speaker
Exactly. And continuously vetting if that still holds but holds water. But indeed, exactly like you say, you know what? I will think about it as a pyramid. No conspiracies allowed in this phase. Just kidding.
00:35:15
Speaker
But if we indeed think about this as a pyramid, it's indeed the first very good base is you Then your relationship, which is the leveling up, sorry. Then the second area of the pyramid, which is narrow because it's built on your own relationship with yourself, is your standards and boundaries, which is how you react with the world.
00:35:34
Speaker
And then on top of that, You can put the dating aspect, when you date with intention, when you continuously vet in a way that reflects your standards and boundaries, when you have that very good base in yourself and then you are not fazed by people mistreating you because you would never make, like, of course you can be attuned, you should be attuned to how things make you feel.
00:35:59
Speaker
But that doesn't mean that that it reflects on your self-worth. And that's basically what we're going to discuss here in the next EON foreseeable future. Because we're really, really enthusiastic about gearing up, about making really good content for everybody to gather around for people to light the flames inside of them in the way that we had.
00:36:22
Speaker
We just want to pass this on and help as many people as possible and hold this intention together. we also feel, both of us, that it's also how I felt when I found FDS. We're not saying anything that's kind of like novel in a way.
00:36:36
Speaker
We're just resonating truths that already exist in each and every one of us that maybe resonate a wise word that an older woman told you. These are nuggets of truth and wisdom, I hope, that reflect the good basis that exists in each and every one of us, but maybe is swings this way or that way because we're subjected to so many different inputs.
00:37:00
Speaker
And like some people are saying, oh ah don't date anybody that takes you out on a walk or a coffee date. Or if he doesn't respond in this and this time, then don't date him at all.
00:37:11
Speaker
Or if he doesn't pay for everything that I don't know, like all kinds of things that I think are too intense and too extreme and putting the focus on the external things and not on how things feel or in the values or in the essence.
00:37:24
Speaker
And on the other side, you also have I guess it falls more on the right-wing type of advice, but you also have, i guess, mainstream or conservative advice tells you like, oh, you know, you got to understand the man and blah, blah, blah.
00:37:38
Speaker
And that's also kind of true, but there's like a really nice balance that I think is somewhat missing, less missing now today. I feel like there's kind more kind of talk that I can resonate with, but we would like to bring our special flavor of feminism and female benefits to everybody, gather around, have some fun, roast some scrotes.
00:38:01
Speaker
Oh, good pivot right there. 100%. I love this. We're rekindling the communal flame. Like this is for all of us, queens. This is meant to be shared and shared freely and to bring warmth and to bring life to your lives. This idea of getting back to our basics, I think it's such a good, that's just how I'm thinking about it. Like FDS, that was all I needed. And then now I've learned that there are other feminist takes and I like listening to them too. But I always come back to FDS because it's just so good.
00:38:30
Speaker
There's nothing that hasn't been thoroughly vetted by like thousands of women at this point. Nothing is getting in that's reactionary or extreme. It's all just like common sense that isn't so common in in the real world. So Roast is Screw It, we want to bring that back. We also want to bring back, was it Queen? What was it?
00:38:47
Speaker
Oh, let's think of something that we like. I think it's level up stories. Your level up stories. That's it. Send in your level up stories to contact at thefemaledatingstrategy.com.
00:38:59
Speaker
Send in to the same email, your roastest groat. Also, we like this idea of having people write in, like if you want to write in for advice, what used to be called an agony aunt column, like Dear Abby or...
00:39:14
Speaker
ah like Yeah, I love an advice column. And so if this is something that you're interested in, you know, send us an in email with your scenario or what your take is on something. And let's start to have more engagement with our listeners, because I think there's so much wisdom to continue to accrue from our collective. Like, let's make that happen, queens.
00:39:36
Speaker
Yes, I love that. And also, if there are guests that you want us to have, also please let us know. Yes. Oh, my gosh. That's actually good. al mean, there are some people we have to follow up with because we had some guests who we had to put off. Actually, everybody got crazy last summer and we were canceling and some of our guests were canceling and it was like, we're going to get back to you. Well, I guess it's time to get back to you. So we got some work on our own. That's a great idea.
00:39:58
Speaker
Yeah, right. I also wouldn't mind having Amber Akila again. I got a friend crush on her after she was on the podcast and I started listening to hers. Oh my gosh, her animal biology is just if it's so refreshing. No, Amber Akila is somebody else.
00:40:12
Speaker
Oh wait, Amber Akila is the Hong Kong Australian DJ? China, yes. Australian Chinese DJ artist. She's really cool. She brings like really dip deep philosophy, but in a very light way.
00:40:26
Speaker
And she's also super self-aware about the language and that she uses and her her concepts. I love her. She's so cool. Okay, I like this idea. I know we've got to bring Gail Dines back. Like Gail Dines is the perennial.
00:40:38
Speaker
She's subscribed, right? She's subscribed as a guest. So these are some just some of our ideas that Patricia and I have been you know discussing when we're looking ahead to 2026 and beyond. I feel like there's never going to be end to this conversation and I bless that.
00:40:54
Speaker
And also, this is an important note that somebody asked what's going to be our recording schedule. So we would like to share with you all that it is our plan to publish biweekly because we are now just starting up.
00:41:09
Speaker
We know that there's going to be technical challenges or scheduling challenges, and we really, really want to be consistent. So we want to set it in stone that we are publishing bi-weekly.
00:41:22
Speaker
And hopefully that's going to be established like by the end of the winter and we can gear up. But it's more important for us to be consistent because also there's been a lot of inconsistency in the last year due to many, many reasons.
00:41:35
Speaker
And that's not how we want to be. We want to be here with you with a constant heartbeat. So we're going to start once in two weeks. Yep. Once every other week.
00:41:46
Speaker
Yep. Yep. That's okay. So everything else, Patricia said, everything she said is still correct. We do want to become more consistent. We want to be reliable. We want to be there for you. But again, we're working out some kinks that, you know, have needed to be worked out for quite some time now. So we're having to reset from the beginning, let's say, because we want to make sure this is something that's, that goes on for many years to come beyond our own 10 years as well. Although long may we reign. Yeah.
00:42:12
Speaker
But yes, we're going to come out every other week for the first couple of winter months, January, February, March. Around April, we'll see if we can bump it up to once weekly. But we'll always be updating you and letting you know what goes on from here, here on forward.
00:42:27
Speaker
Yeah, because I know how it feels to be a listener and then to expect your favorite podcast to come out and then it doesn't and you're just left wondering. So we don't want you to feel that. Exactly. and somebody i think somebody else had asked, like, is the FDS forum still live? We don't run that. I don't think, Patricia, do we?
00:42:43
Speaker
At least if we do, I don't know. Well, I guess that goes, I can add that to our admin to-do list. but We'll let you know what we figure out. Right now, whatever the status is is of it, it's inconclusive. We just haven't, we haven't been brought up to date on that. We'll see what we can find out. We haven't touched it yet. No.
00:43:00
Speaker
We haven't touched it. Exactly right. So right now our focus is on the main podcast episodes coming out every other week and being reliably there for you. Again, we really want to hear more from you. i was really at some point, Patricia actually showed me some numbers. I actually hadn't been paying any attention to the analytics.
00:43:18
Speaker
And we had so many more listeners than I anticipated, like 10 times numbers that I had like estimated in my idea, which once again, just goes to show, see how I was underestimating how valuable what I have to say is, even in this realm. Maybe it's a couple thousand, maybe. I thought maybe a couple hundred. I wasn't sure. It doesn't matter because the message is what matters. But Patricia told me the analytics and the numbers and I was like, oh my God, like, holy moly. I had no clue. This is so cool.
00:43:45
Speaker
Let's make the FDS Queens stronger than ever in 2026. Yes. So with that, we will see you in two weeks. Yep. Take care, queens.
00:43:55
Speaker
We'll see you soon. And for all the squirrels listening, welcome to the conversation. And die mad. Die mad! See you in two weeks.