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The Not-Dating Female Strategy
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Sometimes the best dating strategy is not dating at all. Here are 3 introspection questions you can ask yourself to figure out how that looks for you.
We loved getting all the episode ideas as well as co-hosting offers from you! It will take us a moment to get back to everyone
Let us know what you think via Spotify comments or email as at contact@thefemaledatingstrategy.com
Love you queens!
Scrotes die mad
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Transcript
Reunion with Savannah
00:00:00
Speaker
What's up, queens? Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet. I'm your host, Patricia. Patricia, I'm so glad to be back with you. It's me, Rose. That's so sweet.
00:00:14
Speaker
I don't like when much time goes by between our chats. I got to be honest. That's so sweet. Yeah, I miss you. I just like to hear your thoughts on things. Although I have to say, you know what? Having the reunion with Savannah was intensely rewarding. I'm glad i'm sorry you had to miss that.
00:00:30
Speaker
that That was such a nice one. I really enjoyed listening to that. Yeah, for me, it was prime. and Super good. Okay. Yeah. It was such an interesting conversation. And, you know, Savannah has such a way of presenting things like you know, from other people, it might sound like trite, like, yeah, we've heard this before, but she has a way of, she has an insight into things that is just very unique and helpful, I think.
00:00:57
Speaker
That's true. She's also very structured, which I like. Well, speaking of structure, we're talking about how to structure your dating
Taking Breaks from Dating
00:01:04
Speaker
and life today. And Patricia, I was kind of hoping you could give an overview of how how we want to approach this topic.
00:01:11
Speaker
Well, it's actually a bit the opposite. So even though we're the female dating strategy, today we're talking about not dating. so When to not date? When to know that you need to take a conscious break from dating?
00:01:30
Speaker
i don't know. I feel like... I don't think, i i don't know if I'm on a conscious break from dating or if it's just, I've been too busy being a girl boss. But lately I was just telling this to Patricia in the pre-show talk. I was like, I'm just feeling kind of flustered because I've just got so much going on and I've got like different professions that are sort of, um I'm juggling. And so it's like, I have a day job and then I have an extra day job and then I have my piano job and now I've been recruited to do a weekend job. And I'm just kind of like, you know, how much money do I want to earn versus how much time do I want to myself in my life? And,
00:02:07
Speaker
Part of that calculus is, you know, how much time do I have or do I want to have to dedicate to dating? Yeah, definitely. It's a time, it's an investment of your time. And moreover, it's an investment of your energy, right? Because we, I think we're basically responsible for setting the tone. Although on FDS, we try to say like, sit back and let him show who he is. Like, don't be overperforming as a date. Right.
00:02:32
Speaker
Yeah, indeed. It's more of, um I wouldn't say passive, but yeah, more like a passenger seat kind of experience. But still, it's an input of your energy. I would say it's like a surplus activity. It's not something that you do when you're very busy or contrary
Self-Care Focus
00:02:49
Speaker
to that. Yeah, like I mentioned in the update, I am now better, but basically I i broke my leg a year and a half ago and I said this on the pod and then I was kind of like back to life and walking and stuff.
00:03:02
Speaker
And I was in a lot of pain, but because i was in more pain before that seemed reasonable and it took me a very long time to kind of like pause everything and say, hey, this is not okay. I don't want to live like this.
00:03:15
Speaker
I don't want to be like looking at Google Maps, so how many minutes walking there is to get to a thing. and then if it's more than five, i will not go to the thing. Like, this is not a way to live life.
00:03:28
Speaker
So I'm kind of ah working full time my rehabilitation at the moment and I am progressing, which is nice. But also something that I've realized is that i Yeah, I'm not available to date.
00:03:44
Speaker
And it comes back to a very prominent and basic FDS principle, which is leveling up or like being the best version of yourself.
00:03:56
Speaker
like At the moment, I don't feel like I am the best version of myself. I feel like I need to... like I don't know, even when I was dating somebody, when we took a walk, i always asked them to walk slower. When we went to a party, i i was kind of like,
00:04:13
Speaker
The whole period was me pretending to be okay while I was not okay. ah But then when I'm dating, it feels like I'm hiding something and i don't want to be there. Like i I love myself. I appreciate myself and I want to come to this venture of meeting somebody else, bringing my best self and feeling that I'm bringing my best self.
00:04:35
Speaker
So this is why I'm not even open to meeting anybody at the moment. And i feel like that creates so much clarity. And like, it's very clean to know what's up with with yourself.
00:04:51
Speaker
I mean, and again, this is something that, thank you for sharing some of that. I mean, we don't have to include this. We can always cut this, but didn't you get hit by a car? No, babe. No, no, no. I, uh, what happened?
00:05:06
Speaker
Yeah, what happened is i ah um I live in Amsterdam and I was cycling and I crossed the tram rail in a flat angle and my bike tires got caught in the tram rail and basically my bicycle fell on my knee.
00:05:22
Speaker
And I broke it like to the max and then I had surgery and the first surgery didn't work so I had to get a second surgery. So I also spent a lot of time on crutches. And of course in Amsterdam, everything is like stairs and walking and biking. So as they say, right, it's not like you got a lot of elevators and like handicapped or, you know, differently abled accessible points. I mean, that's just, I can't imagine. Sometimes sometimes you do, but yeah, do you um it's okay. Sometimes I just go step step by step, like always using the the strong leg. But yeah, I mean, I, I, like I said, I strive to be completely healthy. I'm,
00:06:00
Speaker
working on being completely healthy, it's taking a lot more time than I thought. And it does bum me out, like to to the point of our conversation, it does bum me out that I can't even be available to date.
Introspection for Dating Readiness
00:06:15
Speaker
Like i can't even, i'm not even on the market, you know? i Like I'm completely, like the store is closed, just but completely closed. And you're closed for rehabilitation.
00:06:29
Speaker
Exactly. And it does bum me out. But I feel like, yeah, upon introspection, it's the right thing to do. And there were a few questions that I thought could be nice as introspection for our listeners to figure out, should you take a break?
00:06:47
Speaker
Okay, good, because I was actually just reviewing, like I was trying to listen to you, but then I was also looking over the questions you had written in one of our chats. And I think these are some points because ultimately, you know, again, what this, what we're bringing it back to is like, these are the, these are the undergirdings. This is like, that these are the pillars of FDS, which is ultimately like, are you taking care of yourself the best way possible? Because if not, everything else should be secondary.
00:07:14
Speaker
And it's not to say that like if you have a chronic health issue or you know you've you've suffered from an injury that you're rehabilitating, it's not to say that you shouldn't date. Of course.
00:07:25
Speaker
it's It's a choice. Right? It's asking yourself some of these questions that we're going to introduce now. So the first one you bring up, Patricia, is the following. Am I bringing my best self?
00:07:36
Speaker
And one thing you noted was that, I'm going to quote you here, you said, otherwise I might be feeling a bit low in my self-esteem, that might make me accept low effort behavior or feel like i can't fully be myself. And this is the point that I thought was really good. This could happen on a subtle or even unconscious level.
00:07:53
Speaker
That is so true. Would you elaborate on that for a bit, please? Yeah, that's exactly what I felt like I was um in in the last brief dating experience that I had when I was starting to feel a little better.
00:08:06
Speaker
um Because i don't know, i felt like I was pretending or um kind of performing as somebody else was not me because I didn't feel comfortable being fooling myself because I'm weird.
00:08:20
Speaker
I'm a weird person and I love it. But I was trying to be normal because I'm already like already the injury like adds a bit of abnormality. I don't know. and It's like I said in the beginning. It's um indeed like, are you feeling like you're coming in with like your full glamour?
00:08:41
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting because i started this I started a new job. So I'm like working two jobs during the day. one is remote and one's in person. And so that's how I'm able to juggle it.
00:08:52
Speaker
But the in-person one is interesting because I work with one man. i'm working as his PA and he sort of lives like a hermit. He's got a health condition I'm not going to disclose, but he's got a chronic health condition. It's a long-term deal that he's dealing with. And He spends most of his time alone.
00:09:12
Speaker
And what I've noticed is that like, I'm gradually letting my weirdness show through. Like, obviously I'm trying to keep it professional and this is not related to dating, but I think, I think it has parallels because it's like, you know, in the professional world, we all have to put on a bit of like a professional mask, a facade. There are certain etiquette that you follow. And I think we do that in dating as well. But like, like Patricia said, you know, i'm a weirdo. i am, I'm a fun weirdo, but like I've i've often had people, I've always had people or remark on my weirdness, you know, and my differentness. And it used to make me really self-conscious. And I, I thought I had to like, you know, conceal that part of myself when I was dating or when I was in the job market. But what I found is I've gotten older and a little more confident in myself is that
00:09:57
Speaker
I really only want to be around people and jobs that just let me be me. I mean, again, like I'm not out here swearing and like smoking in people's faces as I'm working, but like I've got a, I've got a quirky sense of humor. I have a, I have a fun way of talking and speaking and and explaining things. And I don't want to have to pretend like that's not who I am for the bulk of my waking hours. Yeah.
00:10:21
Speaker
And absolutely a lot of times women feel like that carries over into their dating life. And so now not only are you putting on this facade for work, eight, 10 hours a day, now you're doing it when you get home. So when do you actually get to be yourself? And I think that leads to like a low level of exhaustion that you might not even notice you've been dealing with because we're just so groomed to present and behave in certain ways. Yeah.
00:10:47
Speaker
Wow, yeah. Well said. It's actually really taxing to pretend to fit in all the time.
00:10:55
Speaker
It's preferable. At least friends that are as weird as you. is this ah we Celebrate your weirdness, you know? Exactly, yeah. Yeah. um And so when you think about being your best self, you know, i think...
00:11:09
Speaker
For many years when I was trying to date and be my quote unquote best self that the that the world told me I should present as, you know, I would always end, even if it was a good date, I'd always end up feeling kind of like a letdown. And now that I look back on it, I think it's because in many ways I was disappointed with myself because I couldn't, I felt I couldn't be myself.
00:11:33
Speaker
Ouch. Right? I think if our listeners look at their own lives, i don't think I'm alone in this. I think this is a lot more widespread and it's sort of like a quiet, it's sort of like a quiet tragedy that we kind of just skirt around.
Authenticity and Self-Confidence in Dating
00:11:46
Speaker
Yeah, it's a modern society tragedy, indeed. Uh-huh. Of like trying to live inside of the, I'm not going to say system. Yeah. Yeah, trying to live within construct of how we think we need to be to appease people.
00:12:03
Speaker
And then nobody wants to shine, nobody wants to stand out. And yeah, i that's not not my thing. Of course, sometimes, especially when a situation is new, job or dating, you are like, you're not exposing everything and that's healthy.
00:12:22
Speaker
There's a fine balance, you know, it's like you they don't need to know. And again, being yourself doesn't mean you're you're being like honest and telling all of your tragedies up front. I mean, we call that, you know, oversharing. Or trauma bonding. Yeah. Right, trauma bonding, all that sort of stuff applies. And we don't want that to be applying um to our lives. there's But I mean, there's a certain level of discretion in deciding like how and when do you reveal certain parts of yourself.
00:12:47
Speaker
But I think i think partly... but People are feeling so dissatisfied and so disconnected because especially with this, the rise of social media, there's so much that it's like all of these visual signifiers looking a certain way, dressing a certain way. This has always been part of society, but now it's sort of, you know, to the nth degree because it's just like this constant panopticon, right? Like we're constantly...
00:13:10
Speaker
being looked at or feel that we are, especially if we're posting regularly. Everything is constantly being pegged apart on a visual level. And how are supposed to be your full self if you feel like, you know, maybe part of your soul is a little grim or dark or twisted, and yet that doesn't agree with what you look like. And so all of a sudden you're you're becoming estranged from your own self. um Yeah. And we can't imagine what what is more tragic than that.
00:13:39
Speaker
Yeah, well said. i think it comes down to, like you said, ah going on a date and not having a good time. Like you're not you're not actually there. So how can you have a good time? How can you enjoy yourself?
00:13:50
Speaker
Or how can you know that this person and you mesh if you're presenting some somebody else? And that, of course, is, I guess, a general phenomenon, as we touched on. ah But also when there's something in the background that you're not totally happy about, um or don't know, maybe you're super busy, or maybe I can only talk about my own instance where like there is something happening in the background that you don't want to say how grave it is.
00:14:20
Speaker
So you're like pretending that it's less of a big deal than it is. um So yeah, it's it's kind of weird. For me, this is all like, a if I'm talking about like, what principle of FDS does this reflect? So the first, of course, is the leveling up.
00:14:38
Speaker
And a second very important one is dating with intention or like strategically dating. knowing what you want and zeroing in on it.
00:14:49
Speaker
Because if you're not doing that great at the moment, it's okay. But then like, Are you actually available? Are you actually looking for somebody?
00:14:59
Speaker
Or what kind of connections can you actually build? This is actually the the second kind of introspective question. um Am I actually available? So i if not, I might engage with men that don't meet my standards because I don't actually want to be involved right now.
00:15:20
Speaker
is the whole know thyself and I mean there's a reason why this you know that own self be true and know thyself is like you know one of the first edicts of like stoicism we act like it's so easy it's not because the self is fluid the self is malleable you know and from one day to the next I remember and actually I really appreciate you Patricia pointing out how like sometimes when there are things that are happening in your life that are actually pretty grave you It feels too vulnerable have to share that. And you don't have to, but that's definitely something that can, that will impact consciously or unconsciously all these interactions you have with people, let alone in a dating realm. Like I remember after my mom died, i was absolutely desolate. You know, just like, je suis désolé, just absolutely like in a dark world.
00:16:08
Speaker
black hole. But I tried to date because like, I hated being home alone with myself, feeling all of those feelings. And when I tell you that some of these, these were some of the worst dates I ever went on because I was not in a place.
00:16:23
Speaker
to be my best self. I wasn't actually available. I was grieving, you know, and I'm not saying that you can't be grieving and find the love of your life. I'm just saying, as it applies to my particular situation, there was no there there. I was, I was just a black hole of grief and whoever you were meeting was my representative and wasn't who I truly was at all because, oh my gosh, it felt way too hard to actually even, you know, say my mom is dead.
00:16:50
Speaker
I couldn't even say that like six years ago when she first died. now it's a very different situation. And in fact, I found it's, if anything, it's made me a lot more empathetic and a lot more tender towards humans because there's so much that we go through in life. Um, and some people have never had tragedy. And so when it hits, they're just absolutely bewildered. They're like, what life can be this shitty? Who knew? It's like, well, most of the rest of the world, dude, but we all have our learning curve and our learning trajectories with, um,
00:17:20
Speaker
with grief and tragedy, you know, but if you live long enough, if you're if you're lucky enough to live long enough, sooner or later, something's going to hit you, you know? And so when you talk about like, am I actually
Intentions and Expectations in Dating
00:17:32
Speaker
available? This is a question that I didn't think to ask for a very long time. And I think that's why my dating life was so uneven because in many ways I actually wasn't available, but I didn't want to admit that to myself.
00:17:46
Speaker
Yeah, I hear you. That's really sad. I'm really sorry. It is. i mean, but again, Patricia, this is life. Like this, this is the reality of life. You have a bad accident and a surgery gets botched.
00:17:59
Speaker
This happens every day, right? Every day people are losing their mothers or their children or their best friends. Like this is just how life works. And, and I think that's why if you want to date, it's best that,
00:18:13
Speaker
you have that intention. And it I don't mean the intention of like, I want to find the love of my life. I mean the intention of like, I want to find this ah ah partner who is supportive on the days I come home from work and my boss has but been a total asshole. Or I want a partner who knows to put on my favorite movie and like make me a delicious meal when I'm feeling down because um my parents are divorced and Christmas planning is just a total nightmare.
00:18:40
Speaker
Do you see how specific I'm being here with these examples? Yeah. I think that's because that's the sort of level of of granular detail that that FDS...
00:18:51
Speaker
queens really have to start visualizing because if you can visualize it, you can find it. But if it's just this very general catch all, you know, my soulmate, the love of my life, what what does that even actually mean? it's It's so pat as to be meaningless. And so I think what are the things when you look at what you want from a person in your life,
00:19:13
Speaker
You know, are you somebody who has chronic arthritis? So you want somebody who wants to like cuddle with you, but very gently. These are things that I want you to start visualizing for yourself, because I think that's what like will call to like in that regard. At least that's been my experience.
00:19:28
Speaker
I don't know about you, Patricia. I love that you said that. That's ah very well worded. and I do agree that. are You're so complimentary to me, Patricia. Thank you. Likewise. um Yeah, I think it's very important to be specific and to be minded of what it is that is actually important to Because otherwise, we're just chasing feelings and feelings can also be constructed in our minds and not necessarily based on a person, based on our patterns or...
00:19:58
Speaker
Feelings can also be great, but yeah, it's not a not a great way to lead. i also was in a relationship like that that I got into um after I just got on out of depression and like my self-esteem was pretty low.
00:20:11
Speaker
And the ending of that relationship is what got me to FDS, so yay, but it was not a good one. Yeah, because I wasn't... yeah yeah because i wasn't Yeah, my my values were not aligned with my soul or something. yeah and it takes a long while to really figure out. um Okay, so a friend of mine says something that I think is cool.
00:20:37
Speaker
We always get what we want. There's never a space between what we want and what we get. There can only be a space between what we say we want or what we think we want and what we get.
00:20:50
Speaker
But in reality, the what we actually want is what we have. yeah and That is so profound. Who's this friend? We should have her on the episode. She's wise. She's wise.
00:21:00
Speaker
That's some real wisdom right there, man. And from like a young person too, you know, like it's so true. Actually, when I look back, I've told people this too. When I look back on my life, I've gotten everything I ever wanted. And it's amazing because I wanted really outrageous things and they all happened.
00:21:15
Speaker
Yeah. Like you have to see why my therapist used to say, you have to see it to believe it when describing, she called it the manna falling from heaven. It's heard in my life. It's like, what that happened? then And by the end, she's like, I'm not even surprised anymore. I'm like, I know. I mean, I'm still grateful that it keeps happening, but like, I've seen it happen enough now that I know it's, it's a real thing, at least in my life.
FDS and Dating Dynamics
00:21:35
Speaker
And so I extrapolate, I imagine it's the case for all of us, you know, but.
00:21:41
Speaker
I think it's so interesting that you came to FDS like off of the heels of a bad relationship because honestly, you trigger you saying that reminded me, it triggered a memory of like the reason I found FDS was because after my mom died and I started to date again, it went so spectacularly poorly that I actually did a Google search like, why is this happening to me? FDS. FDS on Reddit what pulled up.
00:22:06
Speaker
Yes. That's how I came to play. It was like, how did I end up here? And how do I not end up here again? Exactly. I was like, i need I need data. And that's how I was introduced to Reddit because I didn't realize there was this whole like crowdsourcing website that, I mean, I've never been like a chronically online person. I'm like Gen X, millennial borders. So, You know, like I don't really watch TV. I just, I'm very low, low fi.
00:22:32
Speaker
um But I was like, you know what? I'm going to use this newfangled thing called the internet and see if it can answer my questions. And it did. ah Here we Thank you, FDS. Oh my God. What a wonderful revelation that was. Like I became a true convert right away because I just started reading and it was like, oh my God, this is systemic. i already was well acquainted with feminism. I mean, it's been part of my PhD studies, you know,
00:22:57
Speaker
intersectionality and all that, but, but nothing has ever touched on the realities of dating and being a woman like FDS, at least not at that time.
00:23:08
Speaker
I think we've come a long way since this those six, seven years, but I still think FDS is at the vanguard because a lot of what I see from people saying, it's either like, don't date at all. Like I'm married and happily married, but don't date because men are the worst, which I don't know how that helps anybody. Yeah.
00:23:25
Speaker
Agreed. Or it helps the very select few. um Or I hear a lot of like, you know, we're just asking for too much and we just need to be like more supportive and like more flexible with our demands of people. And I'm like, no, that's also unrealistic because this is how women get killed and assaulted. You know, like we can't just be like, oh, well,
00:23:45
Speaker
So he's got some DV, some domestic violence cases against him. Like, I'm sure there's an explanation. i mean, i think women are wising up, but... um in the In the world that we have, I think there are plenty of decent men. I do so i still think that. And this is something Patricia and I have talked about.
00:24:02
Speaker
If anything, we are the ones who are most supportive of men. It's not the manosphere. And it's not patriarchy. I would argue it's radical feminism. I don't know if we're the most, but we definitely don't hate them all, of course. We're trying to find somebody to date.
00:24:19
Speaker
Like we presume that there are at least a few that are good good ones or can be good if you don't take your foot off their neck.
00:24:31
Speaker
but
00:24:34
Speaker
To quote Roe, the M.R. song. Oh my God, that's so great. I love a Roe quote. Oh, she was so, I've loved listening to Roe. You're absolutely, I think that, and then again, I think that circles back to what we're talking about, Patricia, with like being so granular and intentional. Like he has to meet this rubric of standards or he simply doesn't exist in your world.
00:24:54
Speaker
And again, this fits a lot. I've been hearing more and more about the burned haystack method where it's like you just go through all the... I don't want you have to to through all these men. I want you to like not have any of those men even exist unless they get to a certain vibrational plane.
Strategic Dating Approaches
00:25:09
Speaker
Okay. And then you pick can pick and choose.
00:25:11
Speaker
That's exactly it. Because that's what is so, um, well, not to, not to sound like I'm an acolyte or something, but I think that's what is really cool about this approach or philosophy.
00:25:22
Speaker
What I like about FDS is that it indeed gives you an approach that is strategic, meaning what? You don't just look at people and see who looks pretty or attractive to you and then you go on a date and see if it's nice vibe.
00:25:40
Speaker
And if he calls you, you can go out with him again. Like, no, because we need to wise up and we understand We wake up to the world around us and we understand that that's not how things work.
00:25:54
Speaker
And to act like that is to be naive and to follow everything that we saw as children. Like, I know that I grew up on American media, like shows, movies and stuff like that, that portray a version of reality that is not real.
00:26:08
Speaker
And if we try to chase that, we will not end up in good spaces or good places. And so... all of this also leads me to sometimes not dating is the best strategy for you in your dating journey because actually if your wits are not are not about you and you're not in a very like centered place and it's like you said it's it's uh it's a frequency it's a frequency that needs to match and it's something that you feel you need to be
00:26:40
Speaker
uh connected with yourself when you're dating to listen to your own cues to listen to your own intuitions and yeah sometimes if you're not in a bad place and you just want a little bit of attention i mean there's nothing wrong with that but it's probably not going to give you very good results yeah you might get a lot of attention but it might not be good attention you know what i'm saying yeah exactly and this is actually this is your third point and i think This is really important because, well, let me read it off. I'm quoting Patricia to Patricia.
00:27:11
Speaker
What are my motivations? What is my drive right now? Because, If you're only looking for validation or male attention, you could be wasting your time. And it might it might not even fill that need.
00:27:22
Speaker
um And it is fine to date just for fun attention, but you have to be honest with yourself. She goes on to say, if you proclaim to seek a meaningful relationship but aren't fully there at the moment, you could end up doing things that seemingly contradict your intentions. And again, it's like this idea of an intentionality. I think...
00:27:40
Speaker
Has your life also followed this pattern, Patricia, where like when you have a crystal clear intention, it materializes? Hell yeah. And when myself, like in periods of time where like my self-esteem was like on point, I was like everything like in in myself was aligned. Boom.
00:27:59
Speaker
I just fell in love like with with a great person. Because it's, yeah, it's just something that hits you sometimes. um But you can't really control it. And it's indeed about a very internal um kind of vibe or state that you're in.
00:28:16
Speaker
I think I just, when I think about the different times I've dated and the different like approaches I had, the best times were always when i was just very clear on what I wanted for myself and what I was looking for. And I wasn't going to brook anything unrelated to it. You know, I mean, there, there's so many people who will waste your time. This isn't just in the dating world, right? It's also in the world at large.
00:28:41
Speaker
But if I'm thinking about dating, you know, that that to me is a very scary space. I mean, coming from such an abusive household and a very negative father figure, um just being around men can be very traumatizing for me. You know I really have to be very careful and very, very gentle with myself when it comes to the situations I put myself in with men.
00:29:03
Speaker
And so when I think about dating, you know, I've never been somebody who... I've just never been a casual kind of person. i am a deadly serious kind of person. Now, if you met me face to face, you would think I'm the most jovial, fun loving, you know, good time girl. And in many ways I am, but that's only a ah part of the whole at At my heart, I'm a very serious and somber person. Like, I take the world seriously. i take this life very seriously because I'm so happy to be here. Like, I'm so glad I get to be alive, you know?
00:29:38
Speaker
My life is precious to me. um And it took me a really long time to get there and to, like, stop pretending to myself that I wasn't. that I was a casual person. It took me a very long time for me to acknowledge like, no, I'm somebody who is actually quite straight laced and conventional in what I'm looking for, for myself.
00:29:59
Speaker
You know, I'm looking for monogamy. I'm looking for love and adoration. I'm looking for respect and tenderness. um And when I started to become very clear with myself, that's when I would discover partners who were aligned with
Aligning with True Self and Values
00:30:14
Speaker
that.
00:30:14
Speaker
Yeah, because it's something that you cannot fake. Like, I think when I started my FDS journey, I would like i would say the things and I would try to follow like the rules that were suggested, but I wasn't really embodying it yet. It took me a long, long time to actually like for the penny to drop.
00:30:36
Speaker
And it's when it's clear, it's clear. It's a practice also. It's something that you practice like every time, like we spoke about it in the past, every time that you hold your ground, every time that somebody like um crosses a boundary for you and you cancel the date or you tell them like,
00:30:55
Speaker
no, I can't meet today, it's too late. And you see that the response positive. Like you see that people want to accommodate your needs, people respect your boundaries, then you get stronger. And then the next time you do it, it becomes easier.
00:31:12
Speaker
think the practice is really where it's at. Because Like you say, it's one thing, and again, as somebody who's always been very like intellectual or or scholarly, academic minded, I've always understood things very readily. The conceptualization of things has never been a problem for me.
00:31:29
Speaker
The praxis of them, where I really kind of where the rubber hits the road, that's where I usually am a little delayed, if not really delayed. Like it takes me, again, i don't know if it's my upbringing or or what have you, but it's funny to me how quickly i can pick up on a concept and And then how slowly i am to actually be able to implement it in my real life. Maybe it is because you're sensitive. Because the world is very weird.
00:31:55
Speaker
Like even dating somebody is very weird. Like you take somebody that you barely know and you develop an intimacy with them, even if it's not sexual at first.
00:32:06
Speaker
But you share a space and a time and the kind of activities that you would only share with somebody that you know for a long time. But that's how you do it because you're kind of like jumping in to see how the water feels. That's weird.
00:32:20
Speaker
It is. It's unnatural. It's not natural. is it It is weird. It all weird. It's how we do it. It is. It is how we do it. And this is and in many ways, you know, I've had to learn like, what's interesting is that what seemed like my strengths can actually be my weaknesses. And I'm sure this is nothing new to, to those wiser than i but you know, one of the things about me is if you meet me in real life, I'm extremely personable and amiable. Like people want to be my friend everywhere I go. And i I love that for them. And I'm grateful that they're so um warm to me.
00:33:00
Speaker
But what it does is it gives the mis... kind of It gives us this like misperception that I'm actually being open with you. When it's just it's just a skill I have at being likable.
00:33:14
Speaker
But it doesn't mean i like you. And so people... sometimes get overly familiar with me because I make them feel so good. you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely.
00:33:27
Speaker
Yeah. So because I'm so friendly and warm and amiable, like people are just like, they're like a parched flower, just soaking up, you know, the sunshine and the rain that I'm bringing to them. They're like, oh my God, like I just bring so much life to them. I bring them to life.
00:33:41
Speaker
And then it's it's disproportionate to what I've actually shared about myself or who i who I am. I've made them feel such a certain way that it creates a sort of lopsided intimacy. And that's something that I'm still working on.
00:33:56
Speaker
Does it also happen to you in dating? It 100% happens to me in dating. That's why i'm bringing it up. It's not just the day-to-day life. It's when I come to dating, like these men are just like, like ah either they're not interested or they've think they think they're in love with me after like the first date.
00:34:12
Speaker
you Because I've just made them feel so good. um and I get it because this world is really hard and it's really weird and dating is ah atrocious a lot of times and people are often very awkward and like cold and unsure of themselves. And so it's very hard to put yourself out there. So when you do, and you meet up with somebody like me, who is just warm and welcoming and loving, you know, you're like, oh my God, I finally met the perfect person. It's not necessarily that. It's just like, I made you feel comfortable and at ease with being yourself. And that's, that can be very addicting.
00:34:47
Speaker
You know, good. Yeah, you're also very supportive person. I think naturally you're kind of a cheerleader. I am. Empathy is a pretty scarce commodity in our world. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's like I'm sort of like a rare jewel, you know, people are like, oh my God, you're so precious. i need you in my life. I'm like, I get it. But like, you don't actually know who I am and you've mistaken my friendliness for for open openness.
00:35:11
Speaker
um And so what I need from dating is like a man who doesn't misread my support and presence as um a love match.
00:35:26
Speaker
I need him to understand it as this is my sort of emotional temperament. This is sort of my, you know, personality. And now let's, let's go from here, but let's not. You can meet somebody that's, that is like mirrors you that is similar to in the way that he's very supportive and positive.
00:35:47
Speaker
exactly but I think for men, I think a lot of men, it's hard for them to, I can't imagine it's hard enough for me to be the cheerleader type. I've got a lot of shit in my lifetime over that, but I've come to accept it and embrace it because that's just who I am. You know, I want the, I want us all to win. What's so wrong with that world?
00:36:02
Speaker
I can't imagine what would like to be a man and to have that kind of temperament, you know? Yeah, i mean, this generally choosing to be positive is a brave choice that may seem like andure ignorance or or naivety.
00:36:18
Speaker
Yeah. It is actually a brave choice. Thank you, Patricia. It really is a brave choice. I mean, if people actually knew what I knew about the world, they would understand how brave and how courageous I am to actually be as positive as I am.
Positivity and Courage
00:36:32
Speaker
Yeah, it's not like you've never... like some Some people assume that if somebody is very positive and cheerful, it's because they've never experienced anything wrong in their life. But a lot of the times, it's exactly the opposite.
00:36:44
Speaker
Because going back to what you said before, like shit is real. like there are ah There is a lot of shit in life that we are... Just every day that we are protected from the actual shit of life is a day to be thankful. Like every day that I'm healthy, everybody that ah that I care about is healthy.
00:37:03
Speaker
Like I'm living in a safe place. There are so many things to be thankful for. and it's sometimes people that don't experience a lot ah lot of hardship in life that their perspective is kind of skewed.
00:37:16
Speaker
that's I couldn't have said it better, Patricia. That's exactly it. Like they think I'm, they think there's some kind of like, almost like I'm simple, like I'm a simple minded person and yeah like, actually, no, I'm brilliant, but I'm in here blowing, tooting my brilliant horn. You know, I just want to come in like as a warm, positive person. Cause that's who I am.
00:37:35
Speaker
And I refuse to allow the world to take that from me. In fact, I had to really fight for it. much more. It has so much more. Sorry for cutting off, but like I'm passionate about it because it has so much more positive impact to be, to choose to be cheerful, to look at the positive, to look at the incremental improvements. It has, it's such an impactful way to do good in the world.
00:37:59
Speaker
Like that is such a huge choice. And it's a choice. It's a day-to-day choice. I really appreciate hearing that. I really do. And you know, i mean, obviously who did I learn this from? i learned it from someone, my mother, you know, the sweetest, most loving, most generous person I ever met. I'm so grateful I got to be her daughter because I got to see how a lot of people reacted to her. Like, if you think I'm warm and friendly and a cheerleader, I had, I have nothing on that woman. She was saint. Yeah.
00:38:29
Speaker
a saint And I'm so glad I got to see it up close and personal because she really kind of had the personality where you couldn't help but think like she has to be faking it. Nobody can do this all the time.
00:38:41
Speaker
She was. In fact, she had a huge fan club at the oncology ward where she was treated because she was just so nice even while dying of cancer, which is not a pleasant way to go.
00:38:54
Speaker
And people were just like, she had cancer. Nobody even knew when she died that she had died from cancer. They're like, what happened? I'm like, she had cancer. They're like, since when? I'm like, for the last five years.
00:39:05
Speaker
Oh my God. Was still as sweet and happy and and as even tempered as ever. And i got to see the impact it would have on people at the grocery store, at the post office, in her immediate circle.
00:39:18
Speaker
you know, when when she walked into the room and started to interact with people, I cannot tell you how their whole physical form altered. Like their head came up, their shoulders went down, their forehead relaxed, their voice softened, their face warmed. Like all of these physical changes happened just because she was kind to them and treated them with dignity. And that was the most powerful lesson I could have ever had.
00:39:47
Speaker
from another human being. And so what I am the way I am, yes, it's because I was brought up this way. It was modeled for me, but it's also me honoring her because she did not have an easy life. I mean, she married my father for God's sake, you know, had to deal with this man for like 30 years and God bless her.
00:40:03
Speaker
Um, cause I would have murdered him. And so i really am impressed that she was able to be who she was in the face of such overwhelming negativity and abuse.
00:40:14
Speaker
And I think um women have a unique, we all have this ability, but I've often seen it most in women where, you know, some of the sweetest people are the ones who've been through the shittiest roads, you know?
00:40:28
Speaker
And there's a strength of character there. And so I'm not going to change who I am because people think it's me being simple or naive or ignorant. That's that's not on me. That's a reflection of them and their life choices.
00:40:39
Speaker
But it really matters to me that I love people and I refuse to allow that love to be something hidden or shameful. Okay. I love you guys. And if I meet you in person, i'm going to love you even more, but i I just feel like humans have so much more potential. If we nurture that part of ourselves, as opposed to like this negative nitpick, it's so easy to be cynical. It's easy.
00:41:04
Speaker
It's easy to be sarcastic. You know, it's not that I can't be these things. i I choose not to be, and I will always choose not to be because the world doesn't need more of that shit. Yeah. i'm Sorry, I just went on our phone and rant. Sorry about that.
00:41:19
Speaker
so Sometimes those people go on rants or little um speeches. Little diatribes. That's cool. Pardon? Little diatribes. i and new vocabulary. Is that a fun word that we are learning today? Diatribe.
00:41:35
Speaker
ah It's like a rant, but it's more, it's often more like something you feel passionate about and you just like can't help yourself. Like you have to, you're not necessarily ranting in a negative way, but you're like speaking your mind forcefully and pointedly. That's sort of what a diatribe is.
00:41:53
Speaker
That's cool. You teach me new vocabulary. Yeah. I do love to, I love words. But so, yeah, I think, you know, so when I look to dating and I look to being around men, you know, I had to
Understanding Dating Dynamics with FDS
00:42:03
Speaker
be really strategic. And that's again why I think FDS was so powerful for me because it finally gave words. It named things that I knew in my heart of hearts, but couldn't name for myself.
00:42:16
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It kind of, um,
00:42:21
Speaker
connects the dots that before that there were just dots and that it seems transparent. Yeah, yeah. Oh, like that so much. Before there were just dots.
00:42:32
Speaker
Yeah, that's exactly how I felt when I discovered FBS. And like you say, it's an ongoing practice. It's not like I read it and finally I connect all the dots and okay, now I'm this different person. No, now I can put into practice what I've what i've learned.
00:42:44
Speaker
Yeah, it takes a long time. It also reflects a truth that exists in us. Like it's not something that is foreign. It and reinforces truths that are that already exist in us.
00:42:56
Speaker
Because basically, what is it saying? Like, if you feel something, Honor it. Like if somebody is annoying you or makes you feel unhappy, unloved, if you're not sure they're interested, that's not good.
00:43:08
Speaker
ah but Don't talk to all your friends and ask them, why does he seem uninterested? He makes you feel like he's not interested. That is the reality. Like, it's very simple. It's very simple things.
00:43:20
Speaker
I think we complicate things as humans. that We live to complicate things when ultimately many of them are just really simple, you know? Yeah, but it's also the society that we live in and like the tropes that we um that we kind of like um are submerged in from an early age.
00:43:37
Speaker
Like, true it took me... All of my life, I think only like this year, I've come to a point where if somebody is in uninterested in me, my response is naturally disinterest.
00:43:54
Speaker
Because before that, if somebody was uninterested in me, it created this whole thing in my mind of like how he's so special and I really need to have him. And it's all very sick.
00:44:08
Speaker
It's like sick stuff. But we live in a world that kind of makes it seem romantic or cool. It's not. It's not romantic or cool.
00:44:19
Speaker
is such a good example holy shit yeah before I used to crush all the time all I had were crushes and it was with therapy and and then ah therapy plus FDS that really helped me see like oh this is part of my like you know, detachment and the fact that like, I can only feel safe when um I'm feeling rejected and all these different, all these fucked up things that were part of a psyche that was right. That was twisted from, from childhood. And I don't blame myself for, for thinking that way, but what I do, what I do do is hold myself accountable to healing those wounds so that like you say, it just becomes automatic. He's not interested. I'm not interested.
00:45:02
Speaker
the end. Next. Thank you. Next. Yeah, definitely. And it so it takes a while. It really is a rewiring. Like my story of why I used to um reply to uninterests or respond to uninterests with more interest is a bit of a different narrative. Like the story is a bit different.
00:45:24
Speaker
But once once you see it and then you figure it out and then a few more years pass and then you make the same mistake a few more times, then b you can start like not doing it. And it feels really fucking nice.
00:45:41
Speaker
I like how you make it clear, like, this is going to take years. This is not something that, like, oh, I've aced the test. Now I'm never going to face this again. Like, now I've got it down. No, that's not human nature. i think if anything, FDS really preaches, like, give yourself the time to to make the mistakes that we're going to make.
00:46:04
Speaker
to not blame yourself or beat yourself up for it, but just to dust yourself off and and try try again next time. And next time it'll be a little better. And the time after that, it'll be a little better. As long as you keep as long as you keep reorienting yourself,
00:46:19
Speaker
to these strategies. i don't I don't see how you can go wrong, honestly. Yeah, and it's not it's not a bad thing. You know, it's it's it's just life. You didn't kill anybody. You didn't, I don't know, break your leg.
00:46:31
Speaker
You just had an experience that wasn't aligned with your soul values. And you probably ended up getting little hurt or maybe upset.
Balancing Success and Dating Desires
00:46:41
Speaker
it's It's okay.
00:46:42
Speaker
And also sometimes, even if you do make this like gradual improvement, some people, really invoke that initial um unhealthy pattern. And that's, that also takes a little while to recognize.
00:46:57
Speaker
finding this such a good conversation. You're actually making me feel, for a little while I was feeling a little guilty. I was like, I i wanted to be JD more this year. And that was something I had like, I had like made a Year's resolution that I was going to, but you know what? Like right now I'm just so busy being successful.
00:47:16
Speaker
Busy being a boss. girls I'm way too busy winning at life. Yeah.
00:47:25
Speaker
And it's really fun. know what I mean? Like, it's not like I'm like over here, like exhausted. Like I'm renovating my house. I bought myself a Steinway grade piano. Like life has never been better. And so, you know, if if ah the man who is right for me at this point in my life, if he gets dropped into my life, life maybe I'll let him take me on some dates. We'll see But yeah, I think I just have to honor the fact that like right now I'm really invested in my own investments. And by that, I mean money. I'm really invested in money right now. And it's giving me a feeling of safety in a world that feels very unsure sometimes.
00:48:02
Speaker
And that's okay. That's just where I'm at. The rumor it that this is the time to amass wealth because later we won't have access to money anyways. So you're doing good. Thank you. Thank you. That's exactly why I'm doing it. I'm like, I'm seeing this writing on the wall. So let's let's let's stack these bills.
00:48:17
Speaker
In any case, Patricia... I guess... we were i guess ah Wait, I wanted to say... I wanted to respond to what you said because yeah it sounds like it's ah it exists on a spectrum, right? Sometimes we do have the intention of dating, but...
00:48:32
Speaker
it's not really happening or sometimes sometimes actually we like i had it in the past that i'm very keen on dating i am like actively dating but nothing is happening and that's maybe even worse and also i was thinking like uh beforehand that maybe another scenario um that matches the description of like uh the idea of this episode is Like maybe all of your friends are dating or in relationships and it kind of makes kind of mix some kind of like social pressure on you, the hypothetical listener, to date because like everybody's coupled up but maybe you don't actually want to.
00:49:12
Speaker
I guess that's another example of when you shouldn't date because you don't want to. And that's yeah like the most valid reason. Yeah, it's the most valid of them all. Yeah.
00:49:24
Speaker
honor that please please please honor that absolutely patricia i feel like we more or less something wanted to say about this topic unless i'm mistaken and if i think we're good then i want to talk about how you had requested that some listeners that listeners write into us and and update you on what we have received oh yeah Do you want to update me or should I update you would you? Well, I think let's update each other because i I had opened up the emails before we started this episode and I'd just given it a quick cursory glance.
00:49:57
Speaker
um But it looks like we already have some responses and some people either interested in coming on the episode and doing a podcast with us as a guest. Yeah, so we already had a few ah people suggesting themselves as hosts after your invitation with Savannah.
00:50:12
Speaker
And also after my ah check in update, the last very short episode, some people suggested some topics. So we're we kind of like skimmed a few of the emails. We haven't read them all thoroughly. And we will we will respond to you.
00:50:28
Speaker
And we will go over all of them. But it will take a moment. Yes, this was just to say, we hear you. We're very glad to hear from you. I mean, honestly, I was really excited when I opened up the emails. i was like, oh, look at this, fun. Instead of all of these like bots who are trying to offer their services as editor and producers, it's like, oh, these are actual people, yay. so thank you very much for your interest. Thank you for taking the time to write us.
Listener Engagement and Future Plans
00:50:51
Speaker
You'll be hearing from us. If you wrote to us, we'll get back to you. It might just not be in like the next 24 hours. So if you could give us a little grace, ah we would really appreciate that.
00:50:59
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And I ah also wanted to add that i am feeling better and I am very much looking forward to start dating again and ah stay tuned.
00:51:12
Speaker
Hopefully in a month or so, maybe a month or two, i will let you guys know what my plan is. i have I have some schemes. I'm excited. This is exciting. This is good news. This is fun. Okay, Patricia, i will enjoy that conversation with you if and when the time comes. But for now, I'm so glad we connected. Thank you for taking the time. I'm glad you're feeling up for these kind of conversations and we'll talk to you soon.
00:51:36
Speaker
Yeah, take care, Queen. See you next time. Take care. We'll talk to you later. Bye for now.