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Safety First! Non-Negotiables for Smart Dating
58 Plays7 months ago
The Queens discuss how you can keep yourself safe when dating. Safety first!
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Transcript
Introduction & Safe Dating Strategies
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:05
Speaker
I'm your host, Diana.
00:00:06
Speaker
And I'm Rose.
00:00:07
Speaker
And today we are discussing, per the request of our listeners, more strategies on dating, specifically the nitty gritties on how do we keep ourselves safe.
00:00:17
Speaker
So we want to go through some of the tips from the handbook and also just from our general lives, where we discuss all the different things you can do in the pre-vetting stage to make sure you're a safe,
00:00:28
Speaker
and as secure as possible.
00:00:30
Speaker
Yep, this is going to be your basic strategies as a safety check, because we think it's really important to not override your instincts and your gut feelings about situations.
00:00:40
Speaker
And I think a lot of women have been told that they're being paranoid when they just practice common sense when it comes to their safety.
00:00:48
Speaker
And we're here to reassure you that that is obviously
00:00:52
Speaker
You're not being crazy.
00:00:53
Speaker
Obviously, there's a valid reason.
00:00:55
Speaker
You're not crazy.
00:00:55
Speaker
You're not paranoid.
00:00:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:00:57
Speaker
These are your number one predator.
00:00:59
Speaker
And so many of these things that they rely on is you being too well-mannered and too conditioned to actually deny them.
Early Stage Caution: Home Visits & Trust
00:01:08
Speaker
And so these are some things where, like, for example, our first strategy, the number one rule, do not go to his home.
00:01:15
Speaker
And don't invite him to yours either.
00:01:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:01:18
Speaker
There should be no going of homes.
00:01:20
Speaker
You know, he's he does not have his apartment up on Architectural Digest.
00:01:24
Speaker
And even if he did, we can wait to see that.
00:01:26
Speaker
We can wait to see that.
00:01:27
Speaker
You know, that's more of a 10th day activity or whatever.
00:01:30
Speaker
He does not need to know where you live.
00:01:33
Speaker
And there's no reason for you to be where he lives.
00:01:36
Speaker
Not in the early stages.
00:01:38
Speaker
Absolutely not.
00:01:39
Speaker
Yep.
00:01:39
Speaker
Again, I think it's also a cheap thing that men do that they're like, oh, why don't you come over and I'll cook you a meal?
00:01:43
Speaker
Because they want to make it sound like it's romantic, but they're just being cheapskates.
00:01:48
Speaker
Lies.
00:01:49
Speaker
Don't believe it.
00:01:49
Speaker
These are all manipulative tactics.
00:01:52
Speaker
You have to understand that one of the reasons why it's female dating strategy is that you have to consider this like a battlefield because to them, they have their tactics down.
00:02:03
Speaker
And they constantly talk amongst themselves about the best ways to manipulate and to compel us and to sort of peer pressure us into situations that they know we don't want to be in, but that are to their advantage.
00:02:16
Speaker
So we have to be very tactical in return.
00:02:18
Speaker
And one of the most basic tactics you can use is not going to his home.
00:02:24
Speaker
Please don't sit here thinking like we're like the crazy old aunt who's paranoid, who just doesn't understand.
00:02:31
Speaker
what dating is like these days, please don't fall prey to that idea.
00:02:35
Speaker
Because honestly, this is the number one reason.
00:02:37
Speaker
And we're not victim blaming, but this is how women get raped right off the bat.
00:02:42
Speaker
And this is how women die.
00:02:43
Speaker
This is straight up how you get killed.
00:02:45
Speaker
Inviting a strange person to your house or you go into their house.
00:02:48
Speaker
Like you wouldn't even do that with a woman.
00:02:50
Speaker
I had this discussion with my friend today where we were like talking about someone we knew who
00:02:54
Speaker
has been inviting this guy into her house and she's like been dating him for like less than a month and already like they've slept together and he's cooking for her and she's like so happy about this and we're like red flag and the whole time and the whole time we were like well if you think about it we don't even let like women we just met that we've just become friends with come to our home before like a few months you know what I mean like even if I'm befriending someone like the first thing I do I don't just invite her to my house
00:03:19
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:03:20
Speaker
Like, especially if I met her one time, if it was the first time I'm meeting her, the first thing I'm doing is not being like, would you like to see my home?
00:03:25
Speaker
You know?
00:03:27
Speaker
It's so true though.
00:03:29
Speaker
It's usually something you'd reserve for someone you knew a little better.
00:03:31
Speaker
You know, that's like common sense is to not invite strangers into your intimate spaces.
Digital Precautions: Video Calls & Voice Notes
00:03:36
Speaker
At the very least, you should like your stuff.
00:03:38
Speaker
It just goes to show also like how turned around they have us when it comes to the dating field, because it's common sense in every other realm to be like, no, of course you don't just have somebody come to your house.
00:03:49
Speaker
But for the dating realm, we're like, oh, well, you know, there's no harm or like he got home super late from his work today.
00:03:56
Speaker
He wasn't expecting this call or this conference.
00:03:58
Speaker
And so he's just really tired and it would just be easier.
00:04:01
Speaker
It's like, why have the parameters shifted all of a sudden when it's coming to a man who wants to fuck you?
00:04:06
Speaker
Honestly, it should irritate you if a man uses it would be easy because that itself is letting you know what he's thinking about.
00:04:12
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:04:13
Speaker
It's easy to him.
00:04:15
Speaker
It's convenient for him.
00:04:16
Speaker
Anytime a man uses the word easy with you, run.
00:04:21
Speaker
Easy or easier.
00:04:24
Speaker
Whether it's about you or whether it's about the situation, if he uses the words easy, yeah, he's just thinking with his dick.
00:04:29
Speaker
He's like, it would be convenient to me and my dick if you showed up to my house.
00:04:34
Speaker
And I'll put some Velveeta mac and cheese and put up some popcorn.
00:04:40
Speaker
I love this idea of adding and my dick, especially in the early stages before you have a grasp of his character whatsoever.
00:04:47
Speaker
Like add and his dick to every time he has an I statement about what he would prefer in his life.
00:04:53
Speaker
Because it's me and my dick.
00:04:55
Speaker
Okay.
00:04:55
Speaker
We would like that.
00:04:57
Speaker
We would like that.
00:04:58
Speaker
And then think about whether you actually want to comply or not.
00:05:01
Speaker
Right.
00:05:01
Speaker
Most of the time you won't.
00:05:03
Speaker
But like the other thing that, you know, the handbook likes to talk about is the first vetting process of like the phone.
00:05:08
Speaker
It used to say Skype and FaceTime and, you know, RIP Skype.
00:05:12
Speaker
But now it's, you know, the phone call and FaceTime.
00:05:14
Speaker
And I honestly think FaceTime or like any kind of video chat is helpful.
00:05:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:18
Speaker
Because like, especially during COVID, I found that it was a way for me to gauge whether I was attracted to the guy or not.
00:05:24
Speaker
Like a lot of the times, especially, I mean, we don't really condone online dating.
00:05:28
Speaker
But back in the day, you know, years before I discovered FDS, I was on those stupid apps.
00:05:33
Speaker
And like, you had the option of recording.
00:05:37
Speaker
I mean, it was before the recording messages, but you had an option of calling them or like setting up, you know, a Skype date or something with them.
00:05:43
Speaker
And I remember I met this one guy.
00:05:45
Speaker
And for some reason, my internet was acting really funny that day.
00:05:48
Speaker
And so I was like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna check on my wifi or whatever.
00:05:51
Speaker
And then he vanished.
00:05:52
Speaker
He like completely ghosted me.
00:05:53
Speaker
Cause I don't know whether he got pissed off that I had internet trouble, but he was like, you know, totally not into it.
00:05:58
Speaker
And he was immediately like, yeah, no, not interested, hung up.
00:06:01
Speaker
So sometimes you attract like really weird people or maybe he was a catfish.
00:06:04
Speaker
I don't know.
00:06:04
Speaker
It was like a really short amount of time.
00:06:05
Speaker
It was the shortest date I've ever had in that it didn't even start.
00:06:09
Speaker
That's so random because like everybody knows wifi acts up from time to time.
00:06:12
Speaker
This is part of dealing with the regular of day to day living.
00:06:16
Speaker
Am I not right?
00:06:17
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:06:18
Speaker
But I mean, sometimes it just brings out really strange characters.
00:06:21
Speaker
And also, like, there's so many things that I've realized just from the pre-vetting FaceTime, like that would have resulted in me not going on a date with the person like I didn't like their voice.
00:06:30
Speaker
They didn't really look that good on video.
00:06:31
Speaker
Like they had like these pictures that were clearly from like years ago, or, you know, disguised cleverly, like, I mean, men use FaceTune too.
00:06:39
Speaker
It just like really obvious tells.
00:06:41
Speaker
And then, you know, the way they spoke their voice.
00:06:43
Speaker
I mean, now they give you the option on like these dating apps and what I've seen, like they allow you to put like a voice note or something in.
00:06:48
Speaker
And I'm always like, this never helps men.
00:06:50
Speaker
Unless you have a voice of an angel, this doesn't help you.
00:06:54
Speaker
I've never met a single man on any of those apps with the voice note thing where I'm like, he sounds good.
00:06:59
Speaker
They always sound super lame.
00:07:01
Speaker
So I mean, I don't think as you men are listening to this, but if you are, please don't use those voice notes thing.
00:07:04
Speaker
They do you no favors.
00:07:06
Speaker
And also think about your elocution and think about the way you speak.
00:07:09
Speaker
I feel like as a woman, I was trained so rigorously.
00:07:12
Speaker
My father was so strict about how I spoke, the grammar I used, the tone of voice, even just like the timbre of my voice.
00:07:21
Speaker
I mean, I was schooled.
00:07:22
Speaker
I was policed to within an inch of my life about my voice.
00:07:26
Speaker
And at the same time, now I'm like, well, great, because being a teacher, being an educator, now being a podcaster, you know, it's to my advantage that I have this sort of vocal training.
00:07:36
Speaker
But I think so many men are never, ever brought to account when it comes to like, how you speak is a huge part of how you are perceived by society.
00:07:44
Speaker
I guess they don't have to think about it because they already have the benefit of and my dick.
00:07:48
Speaker
But still, I think especially in the dating realm, like for me, there's nothing that turns me off quicker other than like being stinky than somebody than a man's voice, because so many of them, they sound whiny.
00:07:59
Speaker
They sound just like very nasally.
00:08:02
Speaker
They sound like, you know, they've never learned how to properly blow their nose.
00:08:05
Speaker
I don't know.
00:08:05
Speaker
They're just all these things that so quickly turn me off and nothing like a phone call lets me know how quickly I need to actually discard this person, which is a time saver, you know?
00:08:16
Speaker
And that's the other thing.
00:08:17
Speaker
I think a lot of them, they don't really think about how they'll come across as well, because you can catch them quite off guard with the video chat thing.
00:08:24
Speaker
I mean, I don't think every man is used to a woman insisting on like a phone call or video chat.
00:08:27
Speaker
I mean, we also recommend that you don't do extremely long phone calls, because then that's a way of building up really false intimacy or him love bombing you.
00:08:34
Speaker
Like, it's a good idea to keep it under 20 minutes.
00:08:37
Speaker
But if you're a person who struggles with boundaries, I'd advise like coming into the call with like a timeline and being like,
00:08:43
Speaker
hey, I'm super excited to meet you, but unfortunately I have to take my dog for a walk or whatever.
00:08:47
Speaker
Just make up an excuse that will require you to leave in 20 minutes so that you're not obliged to be on the phone
Transportation & Safety Measures
00:08:52
Speaker
any longer.
00:08:52
Speaker
It doesn't matter how scintillating the conversation is.
00:08:55
Speaker
Wait for the actual date.
00:08:56
Speaker
This is really just to vet and see whether he's just able to be a normal human for 20 minutes on a phone call.
00:09:01
Speaker
Because if he can't do that, then at least you're not wasting your time going on this date with him.
00:09:07
Speaker
Exactly.
00:09:08
Speaker
So pre-vetting is having a phone call or FaceTime.
00:09:11
Speaker
Other strategy, do not meet him at his house or at yours.
00:09:14
Speaker
Now, also part of that is make sure you drive yourself or find public transit or Lyft or Uber to and from any meeting point.
00:09:22
Speaker
So the idea of having him come pick you up for the date as like a romantic gesture, completely out the window.
00:09:29
Speaker
Do not engage.
00:09:31
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:31
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:32
Speaker
I mean, you should never know where you live to begin with.
00:09:34
Speaker
Like even with regular Ubers, I have put my address as something else because I've been kind of nervous with Uber drivers in general.
00:09:41
Speaker
So I never put like my actual home address.
00:09:43
Speaker
I'll put like a couple of blocks, like, you know, a couple of houses before my apartment so that if anybody is following me, they don't really know my exact address.
00:09:52
Speaker
I mean, I would just advise this in general, even if it's not a date, because I have been in situations where there have been cavities have been a little bit weird.
00:09:59
Speaker
And so I just never put my actual address on anything just because I'm like, they shouldn't really know the general area in which I live in.
00:10:06
Speaker
I mean, like they will, but like they shouldn't know the exact building.
00:10:08
Speaker
So this is a way to avoid doing that.
00:10:10
Speaker
And like, obviously, if you're just dating someone in the beginning, he should not know where you live at all.
00:10:15
Speaker
You know, he shouldn't be the one dropping you or picking you up or any of those things.
00:10:18
Speaker
Right.
00:10:19
Speaker
So this old book of, well, he has a car and this is a gentlemanly thing to do.
00:10:22
Speaker
And like it costs money to do an Uber or like to drive your car and park.
00:10:26
Speaker
I know this is all true, but like ultimately long term, this is your safety.
00:10:31
Speaker
This is your life.
00:10:32
Speaker
If you can't afford to pay to park downtown or wherever he's having you meet him, then meet somewhere where parking is free or where taking an Uber is not going to cost you or where literally a friend of yours can take you there themselves.
00:10:42
Speaker
But do not allow him to pick you up.
00:10:44
Speaker
And also in line with this, and this is something that a lot of younger folks don't understand why.
00:10:48
Speaker
But bring cash in case of emergency.
00:10:51
Speaker
So I always recommend, and I'm always telling my students, like, at least have $20 in cash.
00:10:56
Speaker
My preference is $50 or $100, just because you never know.
00:11:00
Speaker
And of course, I come from a situation where I used to do a lot of hitchhiking.
00:11:03
Speaker
And there were times where, you know, I had to bribe, like border guards and things like this.
00:11:08
Speaker
And so having $50 or $100 really
00:11:10
Speaker
saved me in those situations.
00:11:11
Speaker
But even in your regular day to day life, you just never know when this money might come in handy and might be the difference between somebody being willing to help you out or leaving you to the wolves.
00:11:21
Speaker
And so I think it's very savvy and it cannot be overstated enough how important it is just to have cash on hand just in case.
00:11:28
Speaker
The other thing is, you know, obviously that a friend or family know, like family member knows, I think people get really secretive and ashamed of their dating habits.
00:11:36
Speaker
Or, you know, I mean, sometimes I've had some, I mean, these are not my friends anymore, but I have been in situations where like a friend went on a date and didn't tell me that she was going out with a guy.
00:11:44
Speaker
And I was like, why didn't you tell me?
00:11:45
Speaker
That's kind of risky to like not tell anyone.
00:11:48
Speaker
And it turns out that like that had more to do with any kind of questioning I might have.
00:11:52
Speaker
And they were like, no, no, no.
00:11:53
Speaker
I just, I felt like it was safe.
00:11:55
Speaker
And then they would wind up in a really unsafe position.
00:11:57
Speaker
You should always feel safe to tell your friends.
00:11:59
Speaker
Like true friends are never going to judge you if you wind up in a shit position, because especially because women understand what the deal is and they know.
00:12:06
Speaker
that there's a possibility that some crazy shit can go down on a date.
00:12:09
Speaker
Like we've all been there.
00:12:10
Speaker
We know what men are for the most part.
00:12:12
Speaker
Most of us know who men are.
00:12:13
Speaker
So don't ever feel ashamed of telling your friends what you're doing, where you're going.
00:12:17
Speaker
Like, again, this is not one of those things that you should hide.
00:12:19
Speaker
It shouldn't be like news to someone that you're going out with someone and then they find out after the fact that something happened to you.
00:12:25
Speaker
Like prevention is always better here.
00:12:27
Speaker
Like that's why we're looking at safety from what can you do before you even go on the date perspective.
00:12:31
Speaker
And honestly, if this is the kind of friend that you're too scared to tell of because you're like worried about them making fun of you or the set or the other, like yeet that friend.
00:12:39
Speaker
That's not a friend.
00:12:39
Speaker
That's a frenemy and you don't need them.
00:12:41
Speaker
The people in your life should be the ones you go to when you feel most scared, least secure, least reassured whether it's a good idea or not.
00:12:50
Speaker
These need to be your council members and you need to have absolute faith that they are there to love and protect you.
Alibis, Social Media Vetting & Background Checks
00:12:56
Speaker
I will say I have been on the other end of that though.
00:12:58
Speaker
And with the friend who was like hiding about it, it had more to do with the fact that she was going and meeting strange men and multiple men and she didn't want me to invite myself.
00:13:06
Speaker
So it was like a competition thing and a jealousy thing.
00:13:08
Speaker
She was like, I want to be the only woman with like a group of men.
00:13:10
Speaker
And I was like, this is dangerous.
00:13:12
Speaker
What?
00:13:12
Speaker
She's like, no, but one of these guys will be like, you know, and I was like, that's dangerous.
00:13:15
Speaker
Like, you know, have you heard of like meetup or like couch surfing or those kinds of like websites?
00:13:20
Speaker
Like she would meet up with men who are coming to her city and then like go out and hang out with them.
00:13:24
Speaker
But she wouldn't tell anyone she was doing that.
00:13:26
Speaker
And then I found out and I was like, why wouldn't you tell me?
00:13:28
Speaker
Like, that seems really unsafe.
00:13:29
Speaker
Like I could join you.
00:13:29
Speaker
And I realized that's why she didn't tell me.
00:13:31
Speaker
She didn't want me to join her.
00:13:32
Speaker
Wow.
00:13:33
Speaker
That's wild.
00:13:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:35
Speaker
So, I mean, it can be from a pick me place too.
00:13:37
Speaker
So ask yourself, are you being a little bit of a pick me right now?
00:13:40
Speaker
So you should definitely lean on the counsel of your friends, but you should also not be in competition with your friends.
00:13:45
Speaker
So, you know, dating is one of those things where it's like, you really need to be honest with people, especially the people who already know you, right?
00:13:52
Speaker
People should know where you are at the very least.
00:13:55
Speaker
Like this is again, common sense, you know?
00:13:57
Speaker
You shouldn't be going and meeting strangers without anybody knowing.
00:14:00
Speaker
I always have a nice sob story that I can use if I have to dip, if it's bad.
00:14:04
Speaker
Like I always have a friend who can like call me in the case of emergency and be like, oh, come quick.
00:14:08
Speaker
You know, my casserole is on fire.
00:14:10
Speaker
My house is on fire.
00:14:11
Speaker
My whole life is burning up, you know, something.
00:14:14
Speaker
Someone has to come with the energy.
00:14:16
Speaker
They have to call you and then you have like the code where you're either going to stay because things are going okay or you're going to take them up on you need to get the hell out of there.
00:14:24
Speaker
Yes, that is the kind of friend you need.
00:14:27
Speaker
The other thing that, you know, I don't know how it is these days.
00:14:30
Speaker
I'm always like, oh, it's an old lady.
00:14:32
Speaker
No, but like when I was a kid, you know, and social media had just started, like I would absolutely be a social media sleuth.
00:14:39
Speaker
And of course, they didn't have all of the different forms that then that they do have now.
00:14:43
Speaker
Like back then I could go on Facebook and I know that was the only place he was going to be on.
00:14:47
Speaker
And that's where everybody would post everything.
00:14:49
Speaker
So if there was anything to hide, you know, I'd be going through and clicking on who his friends were.
00:14:54
Speaker
If I was like, oh, she's been in too many of his pictures.
00:14:56
Speaker
Like, is that really a friend or is it a cousin or is it his girlfriend?
00:15:00
Speaker
Right.
00:15:00
Speaker
Like I would be absolutely obsessed with social media sleuthing.
00:15:03
Speaker
And I think that's something we kind of have to cast off the secondhand embarrassment we might feel because
00:15:08
Speaker
So many men will tell you who they are, but it's up to us to believe them.
00:15:12
Speaker
So I have a couple of Finstas for this reason.
00:15:14
Speaker
It's just a stock.
00:15:16
Speaker
So I will like add the general friends of that person and then add them so that they think that I'm someone they know from high school.
00:15:22
Speaker
I mean, this is in case their account is private.
00:15:24
Speaker
If they're most men don't have private accounts, like you can just follow them.
00:15:27
Speaker
And I usually use it to see who they're following more than you know, what they're posting, because a lot of men don't post their following list is what tells you a lot about them.
00:15:34
Speaker
Like if they're following a lot of like insta baddies, like half naked women immediately know, obviously, but I mean, sometimes, you know, they do post and it's like, they have an ex girlfriend or a wife or whatever.
00:15:44
Speaker
But if they have private account, which is usually not the case, like I haven't met too many men who have private accounts.
00:15:49
Speaker
Yeah, you can
00:15:50
Speaker
create like, I mean, I have one that's just for sleuthing, you know, and me and my friend, we co own it.
00:15:54
Speaker
So we use it from time to time.
00:15:56
Speaker
Again, find your most unhinged sleuth of a friend and unleash her on this man.
00:16:01
Speaker
Because sometimes my friend finds shit that I can't and I don't know how she can find bank records and health, like medical records.
00:16:06
Speaker
And I don't know how the hell she did it.
00:16:07
Speaker
But she did it.
00:16:08
Speaker
You know, she will go back and does work history from 15 years ago.
00:16:11
Speaker
And I'd be like, why?
00:16:12
Speaker
How did you find this?
00:16:12
Speaker
And we're like,
00:16:13
Speaker
Don't ask.
00:16:15
Speaker
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
00:16:17
Speaker
I'm like, you know what?
00:16:17
Speaker
I don't even need to pay the FBI.
00:16:19
Speaker
I have the FBI at home.
00:16:20
Speaker
Right.
00:16:21
Speaker
And these are friends who love being helpful.
00:16:23
Speaker
Like nothing brings them greater joy than being able to like come to you per your request with information that you didn't even know you needed.
00:16:30
Speaker
Like that's part of their personal pride.
00:16:31
Speaker
Let them feel pride in themselves.
00:16:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:34
Speaker
I love this idea of you sharing an account for sleuthing with a friend.
00:16:38
Speaker
Like, yeah, why don't you and your girlfriends, a couple of them all just like have this one shared account that you can all use to sleuth and spy.
00:16:44
Speaker
I think that's a brilliant idea, Diana.
00:16:45
Speaker
That's a strategy that's not in the guidebook that we might need to update.
00:16:49
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, if you want like a super pro tip, if he's like super into a hobby or something, like he's a big fan of football or like fishing or something like that, like you can pretend that the account is like a fishing account and post like different kinds of fish and like stuff from his local area.
00:17:04
Speaker
So he thinks it's like a local business that's trying to follow him or something like again, you know what I mean?
00:17:08
Speaker
Like he's not going to follow a random woman.
00:17:10
Speaker
I mean, he's not gonna let a random woman follow him if he's truly trying to hide something.
00:17:13
Speaker
But if it's something that's already in his interest, like, you know, he follows...
00:17:17
Speaker
the Eagles or something.
00:17:18
Speaker
You can like make a whole Eagles fan page or something and just follow him and he won't think anything of it.
00:17:22
Speaker
You know, you can theme it.
00:17:24
Speaker
You can theme it.
00:17:24
Speaker
You can be like, go Eagles or whatever.
00:17:26
Speaker
Fuck the other team.
00:17:28
Speaker
Whatever it is.
00:17:28
Speaker
Whatever it is that men do with sports, you know?
00:17:31
Speaker
But we've rebranded like that Finsta a lot of times because we've had to like rearrange it based on the person.
00:17:37
Speaker
So yeah, we definitely do that.
00:17:39
Speaker
We like find some pictures and upload them and be like, yay, I'm so into sports.
00:17:44
Speaker
Most men are not investigating that much, so you don't have to worry about that.
00:17:47
Speaker
Yeah, because think about it.
00:17:48
Speaker
Men do not have to worry about their safety like we do.
00:17:51
Speaker
They just don't.
00:17:52
Speaker
It's the way it is.
00:17:53
Speaker
And so just like how we were talking about, many of them never have to stop and think about how they come off, like as far as their voice, right, and their presentation.
00:18:02
Speaker
Similarly, they don't have to worry about safety or like the crazy level of the potential person they're going to date, right?
00:18:07
Speaker
That's us.
00:18:08
Speaker
That's us who has to be careful like that.
00:18:10
Speaker
So never be too worried about like being too over the top because, again, it's your life on the line.
00:18:17
Speaker
And what does he have to worry about?
00:18:19
Speaker
He doesn't have to worry about his life or his safety.
00:18:21
Speaker
So we have to do extra measures.
00:18:23
Speaker
It's just simply part of the strategy when it comes to dating successfully and safely.
00:18:28
Speaker
And this is one thing Diane and I were talking about.
00:18:30
Speaker
There are public records that you can check.
00:18:32
Speaker
So for example, if he's on a sex offenders list or if he's gone to jail for XYZ, this is stuff that's all readily available on public records.
00:18:40
Speaker
So be sure to check public records.
00:18:42
Speaker
However, something else you can do is you can pay for a records check on him that will give you more information as far as like
00:18:50
Speaker
What's his credit score?
00:18:51
Speaker
Has he declared bankruptcy?
00:18:53
Speaker
Does he have like outstanding medical debt?
00:18:55
Speaker
Does he have a mortgage somewhere that's like in another state?
00:18:58
Speaker
And you're like, why is he on a mortgage in North Carolina?
00:19:01
Speaker
All of these are things that you're getting more information.
00:19:04
Speaker
And this is information that you need to know that most people are not going to be willing to be upfront about.
00:19:09
Speaker
And I get it.
00:19:10
Speaker
Like, actually, I have no problem sharing my credit score because it's well, not perfect.
00:19:13
Speaker
But like sometimes people have had some life experiences where, you know, that's really, they've taken a big hit and they're embarrassed about that.
00:19:19
Speaker
There's nothing wrong with that.
00:19:20
Speaker
But it's still, again, as women, like, I think this is important data for us to have.
00:19:24
Speaker
I think it's good information to know so that if you ask him about it and he lies...
00:19:29
Speaker
then you can make a decision from that.
00:19:30
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:19:31
Speaker
Like somebody who comes, coughs up to it and is like, okay, like this was my situation, but I'm working on fixing it or whatever.
00:19:36
Speaker
Like, I mean, to me, honestly, it depends.
00:19:39
Speaker
If you're like a much older guy, like if you're in your 30s or 40s, I expect you to be a little bit more responsible.
00:19:44
Speaker
Like for me, if I feel like there's a pattern of recklessness, I'm a little wary of dating the guy in general.
00:19:48
Speaker
But, you know, you don't have to pay on the first date to get like public records and stuff.
00:19:52
Speaker
But really, you should be trusting your instinct on this one.
00:19:54
Speaker
Because if by the third date or something, you're like, I want to check.
00:19:57
Speaker
It's always a good idea to check.
00:19:59
Speaker
Like my friend was dating a guy years ago and then she found out that he was on like a sex offenders list because he was like dating a minor or something like three or four years ago.
00:20:08
Speaker
And she had been going out with him about four or five months.
00:20:10
Speaker
So she didn't even think to check.
00:20:12
Speaker
But had she thought to check within the first few dates that they had, she wouldn't have probably dated him for four to five months.
00:20:18
Speaker
Well, and this is why I think we have a timeline to like, OK, maybe in the first three to five dates, you're looking for public records information, including sex offenders list.
00:20:27
Speaker
That's a huge one, right?
00:20:28
Speaker
Because they will be on it.
00:20:29
Speaker
But I think by the time you get to three or six months, if you're starting to think seriously about exclusivity, about being a boyfriend, girlfriend, that's where I think.
00:20:38
Speaker
And I know this, ladies, I know this might sound a little excessive, but again, I feel like we don't take our safety seriously enough.
00:20:44
Speaker
Three to six months in, I would consider paying for a private investigation.
00:20:48
Speaker
I mean, it's super normal.
00:20:50
Speaker
The crazy thing is, it's very normal in high net worth communities.
00:20:53
Speaker
Like whenever I've met someone who's like extremely, like in South Asia, we call them H&Is.
00:20:58
Speaker
But like if I meet someone who's in H&I, who's dating someone who's like upper middle class or middle class, they almost always, their family will almost always have a private investigator investigating that person because a lot of money is switching hands.
00:21:09
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:21:10
Speaker
And they want to make sure that the person who's marrying their child is not someone who's questionable.
00:21:15
Speaker
So yeah, like it's very, very normal.
00:21:17
Speaker
Like it's very easy to do that.
00:21:18
Speaker
I mean, of course, like, you know, I come from a situation where arranged marriages
Cultural Norms & Personal Vetting Responsibility
00:21:22
Speaker
are very normal.
00:21:22
Speaker
And so obviously, because if you're marrying a stranger, you feel even more licensed to do that because you're like, well, I don't know this person at all.
00:21:29
Speaker
So it's worth it to investigate.
00:21:31
Speaker
But I still think it's worth it to investigate, even if you're just dating someone casually and it's not like a South Asian situation.
00:21:37
Speaker
Like that's not why I'm suggesting it.
00:21:39
Speaker
I'm suggesting it just because I'm like, again, it's good to have the information up front to know if he's going to lie to you straight up.
00:21:44
Speaker
You know, we're not expecting a person who has zero flaws, but we're expecting someone who has a degree of responsibility where they're able to own up to their shit.
00:21:51
Speaker
Because if they have an accountability problem, that problem is going to be your problem very soon.
00:21:56
Speaker
And let's not forget, Diana, like historically in all cultures, there used to be the village and the village knew what was what about everybody.
00:22:05
Speaker
And if you were starting to court or be courted, that information would make its way to you via the gossip network.
00:22:11
Speaker
Like private investigation just used to be called another name.
00:22:14
Speaker
It used to be called the aunties.
00:22:16
Speaker
Or like, you know, the elder women who knew what was what like, and maybe it's just me, maybe I'm projecting here.
00:22:23
Speaker
But like, I feel like so many of us women have so many qualms about a private investigation when like in every other culture in every other dating scenario before now.
00:22:32
Speaker
And now it's even more dangerous than ever, because there are so many ways you can conceal yourself.
00:22:36
Speaker
But like,
00:22:37
Speaker
In the past, everybody considered it their business to make sure you were safe with whomever was coming to court you.
00:22:43
Speaker
That was just how things were done.
00:22:45
Speaker
And now that we're in an era where we don't have the social vetting of our peers, we don't have our village to let us know that his mother did this, his father did that, he's got a brother that happened this to... It's not necessarily reflecting on his own character, but it's information that's important to know.
00:23:01
Speaker
I mean, also, you know, sometimes you meet people through other friends.
00:23:04
Speaker
And like, let me just say people are very forgiving.
00:23:06
Speaker
And they love giving men the benefit of the doubt.
00:23:08
Speaker
They believe in men's kindness.
00:23:10
Speaker
They're like, everybody deserves second chances.
00:23:12
Speaker
And like, I don't want to bring it up because it seemed like you had a connection.
00:23:15
Speaker
And people are very like, well meaning, but sometimes they can fuck you over because they weren't forthright.
00:23:21
Speaker
Like you have to do your due diligence.
00:23:22
Speaker
You can't expect everyone else to be responsible for that.
00:23:26
Speaker
Because some people will not be honest with you because they want you two to date.
00:23:29
Speaker
The problem is I'm going to come out here and say, I have a huge problem with hopeless romantics.
00:23:33
Speaker
There's a reason they call them hopeless.
00:23:35
Speaker
Okay.
00:23:36
Speaker
Let's just start out with that.
00:23:38
Speaker
Right.
00:23:38
Speaker
I have a huge problem with people like that because they're like, well, I knew this amazingly huge red flag, but I felt like if I told you, then it would like, you know, shut down the connection I was seeing between the two of you.
00:23:48
Speaker
And I didn't want to stand in the way of love.
00:23:49
Speaker
And it's like, no, bitch, stand in the way of love.
00:23:51
Speaker
Stand, please do.
00:23:53
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:23:53
Speaker
Because it's like,
00:23:54
Speaker
Because you could have prevented months of pain.
00:23:57
Speaker
But because they buy into this, like, you need to have someone who's a hardcore bitch who's going to come up to you and be like, you know what, you should know this about him.
00:24:04
Speaker
And the thing is, we can't always trust that people will come and do that.
00:24:06
Speaker
So we have to do it.
00:24:08
Speaker
Right?
00:24:08
Speaker
I can't always expect someone else to be responsible for my own well-being.
00:24:11
Speaker
Like, yes, some people will come and tell me something that he's doing is super egregious.
00:24:14
Speaker
But again, what if I met this guy through a work connection or something?
00:24:17
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:24:18
Speaker
Like, there's so many ways you can meet this person where you don't have enough people in common.
00:24:21
Speaker
I personally prefer having a few people in common with a guy, but it's not always in my control.
00:24:25
Speaker
So, you know, if it is in my control, of course I'll ask.
00:24:27
Speaker
But I also take it with a grain of salt because I know a lot of people are not as ruthless as I am, you know?
00:24:32
Speaker
And a lot of people don't want to stand in the way of true love
00:24:35
Speaker
I mean, yeah, he has a wife and a family aside, but it just seemed like what you had was so special.
00:24:39
Speaker
So you know what I mean?
00:24:40
Speaker
Like, I don't trust other people's judgments of the situation because some people are deluded and weird and stupid.
00:24:46
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:24:47
Speaker
This reminds me of that tweet where a woman goes, I don't trust all women.
00:24:50
Speaker
Some of y'all bitches be very dumb.
00:24:52
Speaker
Yep.
00:24:54
Speaker
I think it was something like, I don't support all women.
00:24:55
Speaker
Some of you bitches are dumb.
00:24:57
Speaker
Honestly, I'm with that woman, you know, kudos to her.
00:25:02
Speaker
I'm with her.
00:25:02
Speaker
Yes, kudos to her.
00:25:04
Speaker
Some of y'all are very stupid.
00:25:05
Speaker
It's just like, it's so true, you know, not in an insulting way, but just like, you know, not everybody has had the time or the experience to sort of hone their instincts in a way that we here at FDS have been fortunate to do and to share this sort of, you know, this is common sense.
00:25:20
Speaker
stuff that you're often not going to hear from your girl's circle because, you know, we've all been brought up by neoliberal feminists, believe all men, like not all men.
00:25:30
Speaker
Have you just communicated?
00:25:32
Speaker
I mean, they will have you cut your own throat in defense of some man you don't even know because you should be giving him the benefit of the doubt because not all men.
00:25:41
Speaker
Anytime you are reliant on other people for information you should be gathering yourself, you are going to sell yourself short and bring a world of pain into your life.
00:25:50
Speaker
So don't automatically assume that everybody has the same intentions that you do.
00:25:55
Speaker
People can still be your friends and want the best for you, but sometimes their idea of what's the best for you is very different from your idea of what's best for you.
00:26:02
Speaker
I like to know upfront whether the person I'm going out with is financially irresponsible, whether they have like history of sexual diseases, for example.
00:26:09
Speaker
Like this is the other thing I wanted to bring up.
00:26:11
Speaker
Also go to the, are we dating the same guy groups on Facebook?
00:26:15
Speaker
Okay, because if that guy has been passing around chlamydia to everybody in your city, you will find out.
00:26:21
Speaker
If that guy has 16 different girlfriends and a wife and children, you will find out.
00:26:28
Speaker
Right.
00:26:29
Speaker
You know, I felt really bad for some of the groups being shut down because of the pick me's who were in that group who were telling the men that women were talking about them in the group.
00:26:36
Speaker
And then the men would come to Meta and then ask them to shut it down.
00:26:39
Speaker
And Meta was doing that because Meta, you know,
00:26:41
Speaker
is run by scrotes.
00:26:42
Speaker
I mean, some of the groups are still there, but they have to be a little bit careful about it.
00:26:45
Speaker
But again, if you run that guy's name in your city and he pops up, you should pay attention to that.
00:26:50
Speaker
A red flag, delete.
00:26:52
Speaker
Exactly.
00:26:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:53
Speaker
Don't even entertain it.
00:26:54
Speaker
Don't entertain it.
00:26:55
Speaker
If he's in there, he's in there for a very bad reason.
00:26:58
Speaker
There is a thing of like, believe women, of course, but at the same time, when you're asking for help, don't assume that every single person wants to help you or that every single person wants the same outcome for you.
00:27:08
Speaker
Like I've been in situations where I've dated men and like after I broke up with him, they're like, well, I never really liked him because, you know, he did this really weird thing.
00:27:14
Speaker
And I was like, why the fuck wouldn't you tell me?
00:27:16
Speaker
He's like, well, I didn't want to interrupt your relationship and I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't think you'd believe me.
00:27:20
Speaker
And I'm like, no, had you told me that, I would have probably broken up with him sooner.
00:27:23
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:27:24
Speaker
Had I known that, had I had that information, I would have probably done more with it.
00:27:28
Speaker
But again, I don't blame them because I understand that, again, women don't believe other women as well.
00:27:33
Speaker
Women don't trust other women too.
00:27:35
Speaker
So they might've thought I would have overreacted because they've dealt with other women who've overreacted.
00:27:38
Speaker
But at the same time, it's, you know, the position I come from is I'd risk losing my friendship with people if it meant that I came clean about something.
00:27:46
Speaker
If telling the truth is going to get me fired as a friend, then that's okay.
00:27:50
Speaker
It's just uncanny to me, like how quickly we are to discard our women friends for some perceived infraction and how much we are willing to give the benefit of the doubt to these perfect strangers as long as they're men.
00:28:02
Speaker
I mean, this is part of that like double bind that we're often in.
00:28:04
Speaker
And I hear you because there have been some friendships where it's like, you know, I've seen, I've observed some things about their boyfriend or husband.
00:28:11
Speaker
It's like, when do I bring it up?
00:28:12
Speaker
Do I bring it up?
00:28:13
Speaker
But like you, Diana, you know, I'd rather have my conscious be clean.
00:28:17
Speaker
and know that I did my due diligence as her friend in bringing up my observations.
00:28:22
Speaker
And she can do with that what she wills.
00:28:24
Speaker
But like, I'm not going to be the friend who's like, oh, yeah, I always noticed he was like, you know, he was always a little too interested in your daughter when she was in her swimsuit in the pool.
00:28:32
Speaker
But I just didn't want to say anything like, no, I will always be the friend that is saying something.
00:28:37
Speaker
But many women have been trained the opposite, you know.
00:28:40
Speaker
So again, this is part of Diana's like, we're not naysaying.
00:28:43
Speaker
your friends, but understand that, you know, them having the same values as you do, or them having the same like, D education when it comes to believing all men is they're at very different places in their lives.
00:28:54
Speaker
So be very cautious with this.
00:28:57
Speaker
I mean, I definitely have some ruthless friends who can see through shit.
00:29:00
Speaker
And like, if I feel like I'm getting a little blind, they're the first people I turn to.
00:29:03
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, assess, roast, because I expect them to be super critical.
00:29:07
Speaker
And they're usually right on the money.
00:29:08
Speaker
And usually, if they have nothing to say, that means I did a great job.
00:29:12
Speaker
And this guy is actually wonderful, because they have nothing.
00:29:14
Speaker
And they usually always have something.
00:29:16
Speaker
So there are friends like that.
00:29:18
Speaker
But I also don't assume like when you're in a relationship with someone, it's just you and them.
00:29:21
Speaker
Nobody really knows what's going on inside.
00:29:24
Speaker
You know, they just know what's going on from the outside.
00:29:25
Speaker
And if you've been single for a really long time, people are like, oh my God, Disney princess, and she has met her Prince Charming, and I just don't want to interrupt
Red Flags in Conversations & Boundaries
00:29:32
Speaker
that.
00:29:32
Speaker
And so they will also wave away the red flags.
00:29:35
Speaker
And so you have to do the diligence for yourself.
00:29:37
Speaker
Like you have to be diligent in scanning and vetting men.
00:29:40
Speaker
That will always be a responsibility.
00:29:42
Speaker
I hate to say it, but nobody is going to come save you from your own situations.
00:29:47
Speaker
You're going to have to look out for yourself on this front.
00:29:49
Speaker
Now, another way we're going to talk about sort of the conversational level, another way you can vet things.
00:29:55
Speaker
We have various red flags that we want you to take note of.
00:29:58
Speaker
So let's start listing those off, Diana.
00:30:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:01
Speaker
Just to give some context, this is in the pre-chat when you're doing like the FaceTime and stuff with them.
00:30:05
Speaker
And in the first dates as well.
00:30:06
Speaker
Yeah, it's in the pre-chat and it's in the first dates.
00:30:09
Speaker
So for example, is he answering every question with a question?
00:30:12
Speaker
If he can't answer basic questions about his family...
00:30:15
Speaker
He's cagey about where he works.
00:30:18
Speaker
You know, some men like, you know, they want to use their real names.
00:30:21
Speaker
Like you'll figure that out.
00:30:22
Speaker
Because you know, if you ask him where he lives and stuff, he's kind of cagey about it.
00:30:26
Speaker
What he does is cagey about it.
00:30:27
Speaker
You know, he doesn't want you to come by because also sometimes I will say that if you've been dating guy for a while, he doesn't want you to come over.
00:30:33
Speaker
Yeah, there's a reason for that.
00:30:35
Speaker
It's true.
00:30:36
Speaker
Usually a wife.
00:30:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:38
Speaker
And kids.
00:30:39
Speaker
It's true.
00:30:40
Speaker
So like, there's a fine line between, you know, is he actually showing interest in you by asking you questions?
00:30:45
Speaker
That's one thing.
00:30:47
Speaker
But if every time you're asking him a question, he's countering you with the question, there's something he's concealing there.
00:30:52
Speaker
And it's not worth it to pursue.
00:30:54
Speaker
Yeah, we're not talking about you ask him a question, he answers, and then he offers a thoughtful question back.
00:30:58
Speaker
We're talking about like, he's acting like a politician.
00:31:01
Speaker
You know, you're like, oh, well, what do you feel about, you know, who did you vote for?
00:31:06
Speaker
And he's like, well, let's define vote.
00:31:09
Speaker
And, you know, the Constitution states, like the second he does that shit, the politician shit, you know, immediately.
00:31:14
Speaker
I mean, also, you know, who he voted for.
00:31:15
Speaker
It's a really simple question.
00:31:20
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:31:20
Speaker
Especially a lot of conservative men know now that women are not that keen to date them.
00:31:24
Speaker
So they're going to lie about that.
00:31:25
Speaker
I mean, we've done another podcast about sussing.
00:31:28
Speaker
whether men are secret conservatives.
00:31:30
Speaker
I can't remember which one it was called, but we did go over this once before.
00:31:33
Speaker
So definitely, you know, if he's answering like a politician, just be careful.
00:31:38
Speaker
The second thing is if he attempts to neg or tease you.
00:31:41
Speaker
I have a brief anecdote here.
00:31:42
Speaker
I was in a situation recently where a guy asked me out and I was with my friend.
00:31:46
Speaker
And it was like my last couple of days visiting her.
00:31:50
Speaker
And he was like, oh, no, let me take you out tomorrow.
00:31:52
Speaker
And I already had plans with her, so I was never going to cancel them anyway.
00:31:55
Speaker
And then she was like, well, you know what?
00:31:56
Speaker
I'll let her cancel plans on me
00:31:58
Speaker
if you come up with something great.
00:31:59
Speaker
And she suggested this really amazing dining place that I wanted to go to.
00:32:03
Speaker
And he was like, No, I mean, that's kind of I don't want to do like it's kind of basic.
00:32:07
Speaker
And she was like, Well, it's about what she wants.
00:32:09
Speaker
Not about what you want.
00:32:10
Speaker
The funny thing is, I realized at one point when we were talking, he started to nag me about my nose.
00:32:16
Speaker
And this is not an insecurity I have, by the way.
00:32:19
Speaker
It was the blood in the water test where I was like, I always do this with men where I fake an insecurity that I don't have.
00:32:23
Speaker
And I'm like, I'm really insecure about my nose.
00:32:24
Speaker
And he started making fun of my nose.
00:32:27
Speaker
And, you know, really weird thing for like a white man to be making fun of an ethnic woman's nose.
00:32:32
Speaker
Let's just start with that.
00:32:34
Speaker
And I remember my friend was like, I wanted to punch him when he did that.
00:32:36
Speaker
And I was like, you know what, that really amused me because what it told me was he had already assessed that I was way out of his league.
00:32:41
Speaker
And the only way that he could get me was by negging me, you know.
00:32:45
Speaker
So understand when somebody negs you, they already are telling you where they see you, which is above them.
00:32:49
Speaker
Because the only reason somebody would try to pull you down is because you're standing above them.
00:32:54
Speaker
So keep your crown high, queen.
00:32:55
Speaker
He's already told you where you are, where you're worth and what you're worth.
00:32:58
Speaker
And you're above him.
00:32:59
Speaker
So you don't have to, you know, engage with him at all.
00:33:02
Speaker
But it was really funny when like, you know, when she pointed out what the standard should be for her to, you know, be okay with me canceling our last few days together.
00:33:10
Speaker
He was like, not only am I not going to meet that, I'm going to shit on it in front of your friend and make it seem like it's basic because I don't have the money to do it.
00:33:16
Speaker
And I'm also going to turn and insult your friend and then like try to get her to accept it.
00:33:20
Speaker
He was like,
00:33:21
Speaker
I don't know what kind of date he was trying to get me on.
00:33:22
Speaker
He's like, Oh, we should go out somewhere.
00:33:23
Speaker
And I was like, No, because first of all, he struck me as a very insecure person.
00:33:28
Speaker
And he was like, clearly not over his ex or anything.
00:33:30
Speaker
But like, I was like, immediately, like, if the only way you can try to get me is by trying to humble me.
00:33:36
Speaker
And by shitting on my friend in front of me, you're already the stupidest man I've met today.
00:33:40
Speaker
Like already so dumb.
00:33:44
Speaker
So dumb.
00:33:45
Speaker
This whole idea of like, we should go out somewhere.
00:33:47
Speaker
Like, excuse me, are we in middle school?
00:33:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:50
Speaker
Even a vague notion of what you'd like to do, where you'd like to take me, like the event you'd like to plan, then it's not real.
00:33:58
Speaker
Also, I've already told you my time is limited.
00:34:00
Speaker
You know, the audacity of being like, well, anywhere, anytime.
00:34:04
Speaker
No, I'm not going to sit around and waste my last few days on you if you don't have an actual plan, you know.
00:34:09
Speaker
But like the fact that he immediately resorted to like negging me and teasing and it wasn't even like, you know, like a flirty sort of way.
00:34:14
Speaker
It was like a very weird attempt at trying to pull me down.
00:34:18
Speaker
And I just found it really funny.
00:34:19
Speaker
My friend was pissed, though.
00:34:20
Speaker
But I just found it really amusing because I was like, OK, he's assessed that I'm out of his league, so I don't even have to deal with him.
00:34:25
Speaker
You know, the trash will take itself out.
00:34:27
Speaker
But again, attempting to neg you is a big sign.
00:34:29
Speaker
Why don't you be bowing out quietly, sir?
00:34:31
Speaker
Just bow out.
00:34:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:32
Speaker
With some grace and dignity.
00:34:34
Speaker
Also, I have a great and adorable nose.
00:34:36
Speaker
So I did that intentionally.
00:34:38
Speaker
I set up like a thing for him to use, waiting to see if he would use it.
00:34:41
Speaker
And he did.
00:34:43
Speaker
And I told him that pretty early on, because I don't know at what point he was talking about, like something he was insecure about.
00:34:47
Speaker
And I was like, oh, I can understand insecurities.
00:34:49
Speaker
Like I can be insecure about my nose sometimes.
00:34:51
Speaker
And right after that, within our conversation, a couple hours later, he was like,
00:34:54
Speaker
making fun of my nose.
00:34:55
Speaker
And I was like, mm-hmm.
00:34:56
Speaker
Set that up very nicely for him.
00:34:58
Speaker
And this is why we love the blood in the water test here at FDS because it never fails.
00:35:02
Speaker
It never fails.
00:35:04
Speaker
If he's the type of person who's going to do that, like let him out himself sooner rather than later.
00:35:08
Speaker
Just a little caveat.
00:35:09
Speaker
It's really important that the insecurity that you set up for him is something that you're not actually insecure about because again, real insecurities can hurt you.
00:35:18
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:35:19
Speaker
Again, safety first, right?
00:35:20
Speaker
Don't actually give him something to use that will affect you.
00:35:23
Speaker
emotionally, even if you know that you set it up sometimes, you know, also men are really class A manipulators.
00:35:28
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:35:29
Speaker
Like you give them something to use, they will use it.
00:35:30
Speaker
If you give it about something like, you know, that you don't personally give a shit about, it's not going to sting that much.
00:35:34
Speaker
It's not going to sting at all, you know?
00:35:36
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:35:37
Speaker
You know, you're faking them out with this blood in the water test.
00:35:39
Speaker
Like mine would be like, oh, I don't know about this haircut.
00:35:42
Speaker
No, I've never had a better haircut in my life.
00:35:44
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:35:45
Speaker
The next one that we want you to keep a clear eye for is, does he steer conversation to overtly sexual topics anytime, but especially early on?
00:35:54
Speaker
Like there is no need to be bringing up anything to do with sex before you've even mocked or in your first couple.
00:36:00
Speaker
That should be like a very easy block and delete.
00:36:02
Speaker
But if you're on that date,
00:36:04
Speaker
you know, just leave.
00:36:05
Speaker
Exactly.
00:36:06
Speaker
It's done.
00:36:06
Speaker
There's no point.
00:36:07
Speaker
It's done.
00:36:08
Speaker
Also, I think a lot of people think they're like, well, what can what if I train him and coax him and say, you know what, it makes me not feel like a person if you tell you know, you tell me that you like my tits and whatever.
00:36:16
Speaker
And it's like, you know, I don't really feel like a person and like, you know,
00:36:19
Speaker
Can you be a good little boy and like treat me really well?
00:36:22
Speaker
And thank you, boy.
00:36:23
Speaker
And like, good boy.
00:36:23
Speaker
I'm not, you know, you can't do that shit because they don't care.
00:36:26
Speaker
They don't care.
00:36:27
Speaker
Like he already lacks respect for you.
00:36:29
Speaker
You're not going to teach him to respect you.
00:36:30
Speaker
He is not a dog.
00:36:32
Speaker
Okay.
00:36:32
Speaker
Period.
00:36:33
Speaker
He's not going to love you like that.
00:36:35
Speaker
Exactly.
00:36:36
Speaker
If he's bringing it up to you, he already views you as like, you know, an OnlyFans or a prostitute light.
00:36:41
Speaker
Like you're not going to change his entire worldview of women by asking him to politely not sexualize you that way.
00:36:47
Speaker
Like it's done.
00:36:48
Speaker
It's game over.
00:36:49
Speaker
Another thing that we want you to keep an eye out for is just like the blood in the water test.
00:36:54
Speaker
Here is another test where you, Diana talks about this, like where you make him miserable once a month at random, which I also agree with.
00:37:00
Speaker
But when you first start dating somebody, try just saying no randomly to something like he wants to go to this restaurant or he wants this outing or this activity.
00:37:09
Speaker
Just say like, no, you're not feeling it to see, does he become pushy or aggressive when you set a boundary?
00:37:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:14
Speaker
I don't know if I saw it in the handbook, but one of the things that I remember doing early on, it was quite by accident.
00:37:20
Speaker
And then I found out later on that some people actually use it as a tactic was that, you know, the first day that you arrange with him that you cancel it and rearrange that.
00:37:28
Speaker
I don't know if it was in the handbook, but I've definitely done that more by accident just because every single time I scheduled the first date with someone, something would come up the day before, the night before or whatever.
00:37:37
Speaker
I mean, I never did it on the day of or anything.
00:37:39
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:37:39
Speaker
I'm still courteous, but like I did cancel dates like on the first date before.
00:37:43
Speaker
And I was like, oh, can you reschedule?
00:37:44
Speaker
And again, a guy who's like looking for easy access to sex is going to get really pissed off that you do that because he's just like, I want to get this over with.
00:37:50
Speaker
Like I was expecting to hook up at Friday at 8 p.m.
00:37:54
Speaker
And now I'm going to have to wait another week.
00:37:56
Speaker
And so I'm just going to schedule someone else.
00:37:57
Speaker
You know, some of them get really irritated when things don't go to plan.
00:38:01
Speaker
So definitely saying no, even from a dating perspective and seeing how accommodating he is, how willing he is to move and work with your schedule is really important to establish early.
00:38:07
Speaker
Like you really need to make sure he's on your time in the beginning.
00:38:11
Speaker
He should be trying to make it easier for you, not the other way around.
00:38:14
Speaker
Exactly.
00:38:15
Speaker
And also just like, think about life in general.
00:38:17
Speaker
You know, life happens.
00:38:19
Speaker
Like your dog gets sick.
00:38:20
Speaker
Your mom needs you to take her to a hospital visit that wasn't planned the week before.
00:38:25
Speaker
You're having issues with
00:38:27
Speaker
her son who's acting, you know, out of pocket and she needs extra help and extra hands on deck.
00:38:32
Speaker
Like this is part of life when you have a family and you have people you love in your life.
00:38:37
Speaker
Like sometimes you get called to do things that you really can't predict.
00:38:40
Speaker
And like, if he's going to be a guy who gets annoyed every time somebody else needs you or things come up where you have to alter plans, like better to learn that up front.
00:38:49
Speaker
Exactly.
00:38:49
Speaker
And I mean, again, if he starts getting pushy and aggressive about it, then you automatically know that this guy is going to throw a temper tantrum and he's not worth
Interests, Gaming & Balanced Life Priorities
00:38:56
Speaker
going out with.
00:38:56
Speaker
Ladies, protect yourself.
00:38:58
Speaker
Understand your cases matters more than any other person's.
00:39:02
Speaker
And sometimes, sometimes this kind of guy is going to go into the direction of like, oh, all you women are like that, you know, or just generally bring his like negative scrotery to the table and be like, oh, women are like this.
00:39:14
Speaker
And the women want like six, six, six.
00:39:16
Speaker
They just want a six inch dick with like a six figure salary and a six foot tall guy.
00:39:21
Speaker
And it's like, OK, clearly this guy is chronically online and he doesn't have a hobby.
00:39:26
Speaker
I could have been vetted if you just asked him, what are your hobbies?
00:39:31
Speaker
Another vetting strategy.
00:39:33
Speaker
Does he have hobbies?
00:39:33
Speaker
Does he have hobbies?
00:39:34
Speaker
No, it's true.
00:39:35
Speaker
If he doesn't have hobbies, you know what his default is going to be?
00:39:37
Speaker
Porn and the internet.
00:39:39
Speaker
I will say I am a little bit wary of guys who game as well.
00:39:43
Speaker
You know, speaking as someone who enjoys gaming, like it's definitely not something that takes up my entire life.
00:39:48
Speaker
I don't really have any of the systems.
00:39:50
Speaker
I'm like a PC person.
00:39:52
Speaker
And I mean, I go through periods where I'm like on holiday and I'm like, okay, I'll play some video games.
00:39:56
Speaker
But I don't know if I qualify under the rule book of gamers.
00:39:59
Speaker
I don't know.
00:40:00
Speaker
I don't know what it is.
00:40:01
Speaker
I don't know.
00:40:01
Speaker
I don't know if you need to be certified, but I'm definitely not certified, you know?
00:40:05
Speaker
A special chair, a special gaming chair, then you're definitely not.
00:40:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:09
Speaker
But like the men who are on like Discord and like Reddit and they got their little headsets and they're playing games and stuff.
00:40:15
Speaker
Like it's just, there's something about that energy of being indoors.
00:40:19
Speaker
Like I believe that
00:40:20
Speaker
The indoors are something that women should be enjoying.
00:40:23
Speaker
We should be enjoying our beautiful spaces and men should be outside building us the beautiful spaces for us to enjoy inside and outside.
00:40:30
Speaker
I don't trust it because to me, it's a stunted development.
00:40:33
Speaker
It's a boy who never grew into becoming a man.
00:40:36
Speaker
And obviously like men, but too many, too many, because like, do they ever read a book?
00:40:41
Speaker
Do they ever like, you know, listen to lectures on philosophy or the history of music?
00:40:45
Speaker
Like literally, what do they know about this world other than gaming?
00:40:48
Speaker
What are their interests?
00:40:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:50
Speaker
And also, I feel like with some of them, it can be a bit addictive.
00:40:54
Speaker
Not a bit, but like they can straight up be addicted to it.
00:40:56
Speaker
You know, I know a lot of men who've had like video game addictions and they're not that far away from pornography because if you notice a lot of video games, they can be incredibly misogynistic.
00:41:06
Speaker
So, you know, if he's watching games where like women are treated poorly, that is going to affect his ability to be social and
00:41:14
Speaker
Also, if like his preference in general, if like, also you need to know your own temperament, right?
00:41:17
Speaker
If your person likes to go out and socialize and you're dating a guy who's spending all of his time in front of a monitor, that's not a fit, you know?
00:41:23
Speaker
Because anytime you want to go and do anything, like also they're severely under socialized.
00:41:28
Speaker
They just don't know how to be in public.
00:41:29
Speaker
I don't know how that's a turn on to anyone.
00:41:31
Speaker
You've got this big, beautiful blue world out there.
00:41:35
Speaker
And all you want to do is sit and stare at a screen.
00:41:37
Speaker
Like, to me, that's a level of underdevelopment that there's nothing I can ever do with that.
00:41:42
Speaker
Never.
00:41:42
Speaker
And I'm a homebody.
00:41:43
Speaker
It's not that I'm saying you should, you know, you should be out and about all days, all times for hours on end.
00:41:49
Speaker
No, but like, if the whole entire world is out there and you have no interest in it, and all you care about is a video game, like, dude, what a sad life.
00:41:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:59
Speaker
I mean, I do think that a lot of people are probably going to be like, oh my God, but not the gamers.
00:42:03
Speaker
I love my gamer voice.
00:42:04
Speaker
But I will say I'm like this about any man who's totally online in general.
00:42:09
Speaker
Like if all of his hobbies are like on the internet, yeah, I'm a little bit concerned about his health, his mental health and who he is as a person.
00:42:17
Speaker
Because it's really easy for him to fall into that radicalization pipeline.
00:42:21
Speaker
You know, it's kind of important for men to be out there socializing with other men in the wild, like, you know, the gym or
00:42:26
Speaker
I don't know, Equinox or whatever, like it's really important for them to be out there with other human beings and socialize because men, if they don't socialize, are dependent on you to do the socializing for them.
00:42:36
Speaker
And also it's like with age, right?
00:42:37
Speaker
Like I feel very differently about teenage boys liking video games over a 30 something year old man with a full time job being like, this is how I spend the majority of my time.
00:42:46
Speaker
Yeah, this is my one sole hobby.
00:42:49
Speaker
Yeah, this is my one sole hobby.
00:42:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:52
Speaker
This is our list for today.
00:42:53
Speaker
Again, and a lot of this list is for like the early stages of dating.
00:42:57
Speaker
And I think, you know, these basics might sound too basic to you, but I cannot tell you how often I'm still reading on Reddit and elsewhere, Diana, like women going to the house, women having him pick her up.
00:43:09
Speaker
And now he's stalking her at her home address.
00:43:11
Speaker
Like,
00:43:12
Speaker
he called out where she works, the address, and now he's like driving by every day.
00:43:16
Speaker
I mean, this happens all the time.
00:43:18
Speaker
And it sounds like we almost like because it's too simple and it's too basic.
00:43:22
Speaker
We're like, it can't be true.
00:43:24
Speaker
No, these are rules for a reason.
00:43:26
Speaker
These are in the handbook because this is collective wisdom that's been gathered.
00:43:30
Speaker
Please, when it comes to your early stages of vetting, please, please, please try to follow these steps.
00:43:35
Speaker
You will not regret it.
00:43:37
Speaker
Yep.
00:43:38
Speaker
And I think it goes back to like the just say no thing.
00:43:41
Speaker
I think a lot of people have really have a hard time saying no.
00:43:44
Speaker
I know it's very Reagan, but just say no.
Reinforcing Boundaries & Safe Dating Practices
00:43:47
Speaker
Just say no, not to drugs.
00:43:50
Speaker
Or to drugs, you know.
00:43:54
Speaker
However you roll, however you roll, say no to poor dating habits.
00:43:58
Speaker
Like the thing is, if you have a hard time having boundaries and saying no to men in general, you really need to evaluate whether you're ready to go and date.
00:44:05
Speaker
You know, I mean, I like I hate to say because people like, well, I deserve to find love.
00:44:08
Speaker
And like, so what if I don't have any boundaries, and I'm a bit of a doormat?
00:44:11
Speaker
And it's like, well, we're trying to help you avoid bad situations.
00:44:15
Speaker
Now, if that's a goal of yours, then you should pay heed.
00:44:18
Speaker
But if your job is to if you want to go through life with your blindfolds on and be like, I'm just going to bounce around and see what happens, you're going to learn the same message that we're saying on this podcast right now, it's just going to be a lot more painful, and possibly potentially very dangerous.
00:44:32
Speaker
So, you know, I think it's really important to, first of all, have a low stakes way of practicing being able to say no to people and holding boundaries.
00:44:38
Speaker
And this is really hard for a lot of people.
00:44:40
Speaker
I mean, even for me, it took me like years to be able to say no to people because I don't like disappointing people.
00:44:45
Speaker
It comes down to that.
00:44:45
Speaker
Like most women are raised to be hardcore people pleasers.
00:44:48
Speaker
If it's hard for you to say no in general, like I'm trying to think of an active scenario where like a man would ask you something where you would feel impolite to like reject him.
00:44:56
Speaker
For example, if he wanted to like send you a gift to your house or to your work, you know?
00:45:00
Speaker
I think the best thing is if you already sense that it's too early in your relationship to be doing any of that, you just say that.
00:45:07
Speaker
That's what you say.
00:45:08
Speaker
As much as I appreciate the thought and thank you so much for thinking of me, I don't think we're there yet.
00:45:13
Speaker
And that should be enough.
00:45:14
Speaker
Again, if he pushes back against your boundaries, that is the biggest red flag, right?
00:45:18
Speaker
So if you don't feel ready to receive gifts or whatever at your home or your workspace, and you're like, I don't think we've been dating long enough for that.
00:45:25
Speaker
That's what you should be doing.
00:45:26
Speaker
You should be telling him that.
00:45:27
Speaker
Yep.
00:45:28
Speaker
Practice saying what you actually think and feel.
00:45:30
Speaker
Again, too basic, but like think about in your actual life, how often you actually feel at liberty to just say what you think or feel.
00:45:37
Speaker
And I think you'll be dismayed to see how often we've been trained to always ignore or to downplay or deflect when it comes to our own comfort and our own safety.
00:45:47
Speaker
And obviously don't go into the position of like negotiating your standards with people either.
00:45:52
Speaker
Like if you say no and they push back, again, this is the reason we say block and delete.
00:45:55
Speaker
Right.
00:45:56
Speaker
Block and delete should follow all of this, because again, if you're getting a lot of pushback on saying no, don't bother rationalizing with men.
00:46:03
Speaker
Just block and delete them.
00:46:05
Speaker
Diana, this was our first foray into getting back into the strategies that so many of our listeners have requested we really get into as far as like, how do we date?
00:46:13
Speaker
What do we do?
00:46:14
Speaker
So this is part we're going to continue going back to the handbook.
00:46:17
Speaker
We're going to continue bringing up these stories and these strategies, because if we're going to find love, we need to do it in a way that's healthy and safe.
00:46:25
Speaker
and one that's going to protect your well-being at all costs.
00:46:28
Speaker
That's where we're at, ladies.
00:46:29
Speaker
And to all the scrubs who would deny us this attempt at dating healthfully and safely, die mad.
00:46:35
Speaker
Die mad.
00:46:37
Speaker
And we'll see you next week.