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A Sobering Tale: Rose's Journey to Sobriety
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In this episode, the Queens discuss how Rose's commitment to sobriety dovetailed with her discovery of FDS.
Correction: Rose is coming up on 3 YEARS of sobriety in March/April 2026
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Transcript
Introduction and February Intentions
00:00:00
Speaker
All right. Welcome to the female dating strategy, the meanest female only podcast on the internet. I'm your host, Patricia, joined by my lovely co host.
00:00:12
Speaker
Rose, here we are, Patricia. Happy February. Do you have any special plans for this February? My intention for this February is to breathe into my lungs.
00:00:23
Speaker
For real. yeah Right? Just keep keep pushing, right? Keep pushing that air in. Not pushing. the The opposite of pushing. Yeah, I haven't been breathing that well my whole life. So I'm practicing breathing.
00:00:36
Speaker
It's really awesome.
The Realization of Stress and Breathing
00:00:38
Speaker
For real though, but like how did you come to realize you hadn't been breathing very well? That's a very interesting statement. Well, my physiotherapist told me and also doctors told me, yoga teachers told me, and I also realized it on my own body, especially she when I'm stressed. ah Do you tend to be a nose breather or a mouth breather? Nose.
00:00:59
Speaker
knows No, because i was just reading it actually I was just reading about this because I finally got a CPAP machine this last year and i've been I've been working to adapt to it. i So far I can only handle about four hours per night before I end up tearing it off my face.
Journey to Sobriety
00:01:15
Speaker
but four hours is better than no hours. And so I was reading about how, you know, oftentimes it's for people who like have trouble and they only breathe through their mouth. Like it's just something when if you're a kid and you breathe through your mouth too much, like you actually don't have like the craniofacial development that you should to support like nasal breathing. And so that's oftentimes why people have such a hard time adapting to it because like literally their facial features didn't develop in such a way as to support proper nasal breathing, which is how we're actually supposed to be breathing for most of the time. But again, this is all just random stuff I discovered when I started to read up on the CPAP.
00:01:50
Speaker
I mean, yeah, it's a really interesting interesting subject. This kind of maybe like segues us to our to our episode today. The pattern that I have with breathing is that I don't breathe fully into my lungs. I just breathe. Sometimes I only breathe to the top part of it because I developed this pattern as kind of like a defense mechanism because I had um like not the best home environment growing up.
00:02:15
Speaker
So I guess I just taught myself how to not breathe. Yeah, like shallow breathing is what they usually call Yeah, like stressed, stressed, shallow breathing. Yeah, but it's a beautiful journey. that's interesting I find that especially interesting because i so i came from like a music background and that includes a lot of choral ah music and musical theater. And so breathing through the diaphragm or breathing with the diaphragm is like the number one thing they teach you.
00:02:42
Speaker
True. Singing. And so that was always something where like, if I wasn't paying attention, you know, I would just be doing shallow breathing. But then if I'd be like, If I do a deep sigh, I'd be like, oh, and that really, that hit deep, you know, but I didn't even realize that wasn't breathing deep until like I got the big sigh in. But in any case, it is interesting to see how we defend and like create mechanisms for self-protection. And actually this does segue nicely into what we're going to discuss today or what rather what Christian invited me to discuss, which is something I'm very happy to discuss.
History with Alcohol
00:03:15
Speaker
And this was something we had talked about in sort of our getting to know each other phase when we were figuring out, are we going to keep the podcast going?
00:03:22
Speaker
You know, what what what would our relationship look like as new co-hosts? And I was explaining to her, like, one of the reasons why I'm finally ready to get back into dating is because I'm finally, I'll be coming up on three months of sobriety from everything ah this March, April.
00:03:40
Speaker
And so, yeah um much oh my queen no, but it was like, it really was a very big deal. And if you don't mind, I'm happy to just get into it and we can have ah a general conversation. Does that sound like a good plan, Patricia?
00:03:53
Speaker
i love that. Yes. Okay, great. So, and not that I think this podcast needs to be about me, but I think the reason why Patricia encouraged me to share this story was because We both imagine there are a lot of women in the similar position where, you know, in the dating world, especially, it's so popular to say, hey why don't we grab a quick drink for like a first or second date? Like, let's meet up for a cocktail.
00:04:17
Speaker
Or you know you're going to meet up at a pub for yeah your your first snack or your first date. like The early dates especially, drinking tends to be evolved, which actually if you go back to our FDS handbook, that is something that they explicitly... That's like an explicit rule where they're like you need to keep your head about you. Do not be consuming alcohol, especially in these first dates. But that's something we can get back to later. In any case...
00:04:40
Speaker
When I was telling her like, yeah, I'm finally feeling like I'm ready to get back into dating. Like i'm goingnna I'm going to dip my toe into the world of dating apps. I'm going to be going to real life meetups here in the city just randomly to see, you know, who I can meet and and who I can involve myself with as far as like communities in my in my neighborhoods.
00:04:58
Speaker
And the reason I'm actually feeling up for dating now is because every time I dated before, i was dating from a real disadvantaged position because I was dating from a position of addiction.
00:05:12
Speaker
and Addiction has been sort of the name of the game for me since a very young age. I was the youngest of four children and I was invited to party with them starting when I was 14, 15.
00:05:25
Speaker
And that's when I started to drink. And when I say I would drink, it wasn't like, oh, I'm having a wine cooler or, you know, I'm having like one or two beers. We're talking like I was drinking vodka or rum or whiskey and drinking a lot of it. In fact, um one of the things that really struck me when I first started my path to sobriety was I heard somebody say about their drinking, they said,
00:05:52
Speaker
One drink was too many and a thousand was never enough. And that's how we get how alcohol hit me. It was like once I had one, there was never going to be an end until I was either passed out, blacked out, vomiting for the entire next day.
00:06:09
Speaker
Wow. ah and Nothing would stop me. And, but then I got to college, that's when I was
Substance Abuse During PhD and Personal Struggles
00:06:15
Speaker
introduced to weed. Then weed became like bestie hand in hand with with alcohol. Of course, there were lots of drugs on campus. So basically, if you offered me anything, I would accept it. If it was ketamine, if it was, it was cocaine, if it was, you know, um,
00:06:33
Speaker
psilocybin mushrooms, I was always going to say yes. The one exception was that I would refuse to shoot anything up. i Needles were a step too far and I was just too scared about getting seriously addicted. So never got into like heroin or or meth or anything. Thank goodness. But honestly, i so i give thanks that I didn't get into those. But in many ways, you know, alcohol is like the silent killer. and As I left college and moved into ah my 20s and then I moved to South America because I just had to get away from my family of origin. And I knew if I stayed in this continent, it was never going to happen. I was just I was too unable to resist the toxic dysfunction and the dynamics. I was too entrained.
00:07:20
Speaker
So I literally made myself move to another continent to escape. I said it was because I wanted to go on a grand adventure, but it was the most miserable adventure ever because I was so lost and so lonely. And so of course, how do you make friends? You go out clubbing, you go out dancing,
00:07:37
Speaker
You go to the pre-parties and the after parties and there's always just so much alcohol. And especially in that time, it was super cheap. Like wine in Chile is like, you know, pennies to the dollar and it's good wine. Right.
00:07:51
Speaker
um And so i just continue through all of my 20s and 30s to just consume copious amounts of everything, but especially alcohol and weed.
00:08:02
Speaker
And none of this none of this stopped in the slightest, not even when I did like my research trips overseas for my PhD. There was never a time when I just stopped and was sober. So to me, that was that was just me like living a fun party girl lifestyle. right like That was me just being a good time. And of course, I was one of those people who was super fun when I was drunk or high. like I was always the center of the party and of attention and people wanted to hang out with me and people were always inviting me out. They were treating me. They'd take me out, right? They'd offer to have it be on them because I was just such a good time.
00:08:40
Speaker
But what I didn't understand really was sort of the long-term effects of what this was doing to me. And when I got a therapist in my 30s, when I was starting the PhD, I finally had access to really good quality mental health care.
00:08:56
Speaker
And I lucked out in that the first person I matched with was was the best person for me ever. And, you know, she would bring it up from time to time and, you know, ask about it. But that was sort of like the, that was the hard line where I was like, you know, my life is hard. I have so few pleasures. This is one of the few things that really just like lets me relax, like ah all of the addict's excuses. Right.
00:09:19
Speaker
And Paula knew, my therapist knew like there was just no there was just no getting around it at that point. So she wasn't going to push it. We went to, we pivoted to other things because there was plenty of stuff to look at.
Substance Use and Caring for Mother
00:09:30
Speaker
Now, all of this really came to a head when i went home for my mom's final year of life. She was dying from cancer. She was alone. And I was told by her brothers, like, your mom really needs some help. You should come home. So I did. And I was really glad I did. Like, I never regretted it for a moment. We had a really beautiful...
00:09:50
Speaker
almost sacred kind of last year together. was amazing conversations, just like there for one another. But oh my gosh, did my drinking ramp up and as did my consumption of weed. And then of course, cigarettes were also in the picture at this point because when you smoke weed, the smokers are out there and all of a sudden you're like, well, i'll try a cigarette. And then it just, you know, it's just like,
00:10:11
Speaker
It never gets better. That's what I noticed from like after I finally got sober. It was never going to get better. My habits were never going to improve. You know, at first I'd be like, I'll just drink on the weekends.
00:10:21
Speaker
And then it was like, well, Thursday's like the weekend eve. So I'll start on Thursdays. And then it was like, oh, but I'm going out to dinner with my friends on Wednesday. So when I go out to eat with my friends on like Monday or Tuesday, then I'll have a drink. But then it was like, well, I just had a really hard day. So it can't hurt. You know what i mean Like it only ever...
00:10:40
Speaker
devolves when you're in an addictive relationship with with substances. So by the time I had that last year with my mom, she passed. It was a really hard year in that like nobody in the family wanted anything to do with the process of caring for her or even just checking in on me. I didn't have a single phone call from any one of the three siblings that I then claimed. um Not once did they ever call me and just say, like, how are you? Can I sub for a weekend? Can I come in? Can i cook a meal? It was just like absolute radio silence.
00:11:10
Speaker
And that has a lot to do with like the toxic dysfunction that is that is my family, you know, but it was really hard at the time to just feel so alone um and to be grieving sort of in real time the loss of my beloved mother who was really my only family.
00:11:25
Speaker
So when she died, i came back, I moved back to my PhD program in the city here, and then COVID hit two months later. so I was already in a bad spot, then COVID hit.
00:11:37
Speaker
And i mean, when I tell you that I was ferociously grieving, it was it was really raw. It was very painful. um There were many, many nights or days where I would just, you know, sob for an hour here or there, just absolutely devastated.
00:11:54
Speaker
And ifs really hard it was so hard. And so the only things that gave me like surcease were either napping, which I did plenty of napping and sleeping um or alcohol and weed and cigarettes. And I just sat there and it was like, that's all I did for the next, I think, year and a half, almost two years.
00:12:14
Speaker
And then i had a birthday coming up. I was going to be turning 42. fortyt two And my girlfriends, who are all big partiers, who all like to do the same things, they were planning for my birthday weekend, a birthday getaway, and they bought all my favorite things. They bought shrooms. They brought like the finest of weed. They bought champagne magnums by the dozen because everybody knows I love champagne.
00:12:40
Speaker
And we get to our our getaway, our weekend for my birthday, and I end up being deathly sick, like couldn't get up from the couch, couldn't talk.
Health Crisis and Turning Point
00:12:50
Speaker
It was bad. um But I wanted them to have a good time. So I just like was like, hey, just let me hang around you guys while I'm dead on the couch. And you guys just like celebrate my birthday for me.
00:13:00
Speaker
And then I went home and I kept waiting to get better and I didn't get better. And I kept waiting. And I'm somebody who has always possessed like rude, good health. I'm just like ridiculously hale and hearty, know, just Don't say that. Don't say it. My tears are burning. I just can't believe, especially as I've gotten older, you know, I've seen friends like with cancer or chronic conditions or they get migraines or they've got arthritis. And I'm like over here just twiddling my thumbs like happy as a horse, you know? And so when I, all this is to say when I didn't get, when I didn't get better,
00:13:37
Speaker
I really started to get scared. I was like, what if I've completely annihilated my immune system? What if I have, with my negligence and my neglect and my like active self-harm, what if I've actually ruined my health and now this is going to be the rest of my life?
00:13:53
Speaker
Oh no. How long we talking about? Like weeks? It was almost a month. It was almost a month. I've never been That's long time. It really was. Even a flu, like a bad flu is like three weeks with the aftermath.
00:14:06
Speaker
Yes, exactly. Later on, my therapist was like, I think you had one of those RSV infections. She's like, I had one too, and it took me almost like six weeks to get back to normal, which was what about what it was for me. Now, because I had such a terrible cough, I'd stopped smoking. Okay.
00:14:21
Speaker
But I still would have what I called a hot toddy, which was, you know, hot water, lemon, honey, and then a shit ton of like whiskey. So I was still drinking. you know It was delicious. It's like one my favorites in the wintertime. That's what I was drinking, like, you know, justifying like, oh I'm being sober, but this is just medicinal. Again, like when you're in active addiction, you always have a justification. You always have a rationale.
00:14:49
Speaker
Of course. And one of my nephews, who's really a beloved one of mine, he's probably the the family I'm still closest with. He's 20 years younger than I am. And he came to visit at the end of that March.
00:15:02
Speaker
And he had started his sober journey like a week or sorry, a year prior. He really struggled with addiction in his teens. We had a lot of challenges. um when he was growing up and addiction was one of them. Because again, it's a family thing. It's like it runs in the family. it's It's genetic and it's also you know environmental and all those things that come together where he also struggled. Well, he has started to get
Nephew's Encouragement and Sobriety Start
00:15:25
Speaker
sober. And when he came down, you know i was like, see, i'm look at how I'm not smoking. Look at how good I'm being. And he's like, I'm really happy to see that. But you know i really wish you'd I really wish you'd consider letting go of drinking.
00:15:37
Speaker
And, you know he was the first person to ever say that to me, actually. And the only person. Also, the wording there is beautiful. Because it's it's caring. It's a very well-defined request. Like, it's not whittle-waddling about it.
00:15:52
Speaker
But it's also not imposing, right? Yeah. I wish that you would consider. It was so mature. was like, holy shit, this kid who's 20 years younger than me is, like, already having conversations that I could never.
00:16:05
Speaker
and so... When he left, I was like, well, I guess, you know, I've already gone three weeks without, four weeks without weed. Like, but but let's just throw alcohol into that pot and let's try, you know, let's try doing it with without alcohol as well.
00:16:18
Speaker
And that was the start. That was the start of sobriety. And it wasn't that I was necessarily committed. It wasn't one like I was like swearing off it forever. you know, I always was like, I hope I can come back and like be the kind of person who can just like drink at weddings and, you know, have a celebratory cocktail at like a New Year's Eve party.
00:16:35
Speaker
But as I got further and further into sobriety and actually started to like actively research about it, learn about it, seek out, you know, some support groups. Like I tried Alcoholics Anonymous. It was so focused on God. i just couldn't get behind it. I tried a few other ones.
00:16:50
Speaker
And then I found a really awesome one in my
Support from Sober AF Group
00:16:52
Speaker
city. It's all virtual. It's called Sober AF. Yeah. I love that. I do too. i was like, what a great name. And it was started by, you know, ah a secular, a non-religious nurse.
00:17:04
Speaker
And it's people from all walks of life and all sorts of different stories. But I started to to join that and have been consistent with like attending that on a weekly basis. And I also looked up a lot of things on YouTube and like looked up articles. You know, I had never, there was actually one really good YouTube um show. It was, he's a Stanford writer.
00:17:24
Speaker
What's his name? Dan something. I want to say he had a really good he's a neuroscientist and he had a really good episode on what alcohol does to your body. And, do you know, Patricia, I never actually questioned i never questioned once what actually happened in the body when I took a drink.
00:17:42
Speaker
Have you ever looked into that, actually? no but I do know that alcohol is the only drug that damages all of the body systems. That's what I know. hmm. hu Yeah, that's a great start. That's great.
00:17:55
Speaker
um But i there is there was so much more to it that I had no idea. And i you know I'm somebody who prides myself on being really intellectual and but very academically inclined. And I was like, oh my God, this is how blind I was. This was how much addiction had just like shut down all of curiosity. I never once questioned what was happening in my brain and my body when I was ingesting It's essentially poison, you know?
00:18:19
Speaker
And what's funny is when I went to my therapist, I was like, guess what, Paula? I'm sober now. She was like, oh, have you begun your journey to sobriety? i was like, no, no, no, I'm sober now. So that's that. And she was like, no, that's that's the beginning of it. She's like, I wouldn't even call you sober yet. I would say that you are on your way to becoming sober, but there is much more to healing that addiction than just abstaining from the substance. She's so wise. She sounds really wise. you know like Every time I tell a story, you're like, isn't she amazing? Yeah, she really is. Because I was like, no, once you're not on the substance, she's like, no, now is when you begin to heal. This is and this is a whole different journey now.
00:18:59
Speaker
And actually, but also I do want to jump in and say that ah you're saying how these resources helped you, the support group and those YouTube videos, but it only helped you because you were, you got the answer because you were, you had a question.
00:19:19
Speaker
You what I mean? um so You could have been exposed to that information in a different setting and it would just like pass by or even worse, like I smoked all my life, like very, very rarely, only when I drink, but i I don't have a drinking problem. I struggle with other things that I may share later. But what I'm trying to say is that in i had a short period where I smoked a lot more and I had like a problematic period.
00:19:46
Speaker
And in that time, if people would talk to me or if there would be like a conversation being struck about how damaging cigarettes are, I would listen, contribute, and then immediately, you want to guess? You want to smoke.
00:20:01
Speaker
Go and have a cigarette, yeah. Because it creates tension and you want to alleviate tension. So you drinking in what you got from these resources is not because you were exposed to the resources. it' because you you already had the determination and the and the wish to change something.
00:20:20
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. i had I had to be ready to make the change for it to happen, right? Which is why if you're somebody who's codependent on somebody who's, you know, abusing substances, like there's no point. It's absolutely, there's nothing you can ever do to change an addict's mind. There's no rationale. There's no logic. There's no reason.
00:20:40
Speaker
There's no argument that will ever change an addict's mind. It has to come from within. Exactly. And that's a very hard truth for people, you know, and actually that, so that was one of the final conversations when my therapist and I were coming to the end of our relationship, our professional one.
00:20:54
Speaker
um We were kind of doing a retrospective of, of the work we had done over the years and like, you know, congratulating ourselves and looking at where we could still grow and, what she said to me, she was like, you know, Rose, you already had accomplished so much healing and work on your own. I was already so proud of you, but I just wasn't sure if you'd ever be able to make the hurdle with your addictions. I really just genuinely didn't know if that was going to be in the cards for you. And I had to accept that you had already done so much work that that was already notable and an accomplishment in and of itself.
00:21:32
Speaker
And there was nothing further I could do to have you confront that relationship. She's like, I think this is the biggest success for you yet. The fact that you've finally approached your addictive behavior and decided to do something about it. She's like, it's the biggest thing yet.
00:21:51
Speaker
It felt really good, right? Because like we have done some serious work, but but i was... But that's exactly it, isn't it? Like maybe I'm jumping the gun a little bit, but it's... I mean, addiction is always, there's a strong force from within that is driving the addiction. And it's like, I don't know, a vast pit of darkness or something. And if you are alleviating that, if you are like subsiding that driving force, then you are able, more able to deal with the addiction.
00:22:24
Speaker
Otherwise you can never, right? Exactly.
Reflection on 27 Years of Addiction
00:22:27
Speaker
Yeah. I think the work we had done in the previous, you know, seven, eight, nine years had been the scaffolding that I needed to finally and the foundation where I could, where I could address the addiction.
00:22:39
Speaker
don't think it could have happened in any other way, especially because, you know, by the time I decided to get sober, we're talking 27 years of use. use um And sometimes it's hard for me not to look back and be like, what would my life be like? you know, but I can't look back. I can only look forward.
00:22:58
Speaker
I still had an amazing 20s and 30s. Like I still did amazing things. And I'm glad I wasn't just sitting at home, like hitting the bottle. But of course it affected my growth and development. How could it not? that It's like a crippled part of me.
00:23:13
Speaker
held me back through all those decades. And so once I finally was like, okay, I'm sober now, I'm going to really commit to this, I'm going to see what I can do. I was extremely elated to learn that I didn't miss it in the slightest.
00:23:27
Speaker
mic Now, this is not always the case. In fact, it's often not. A lot of stories I hear in addiction recovery is about how much people struggle, how desperate they are to pour themselves a glass or just light up a bowl. or you know like they just It's a daily, constant struggle of temptation for them, and I have such empathy for them. I can't imagine.
00:23:50
Speaker
Because what's made sobriety so achievable for me has been the fact that i actually don't miss any of it. I can't believe it. My whole life was like, the whole reason for existing was to give myself these rewards and to have like, you know, these indulgences, these vices. They're what really gave me pleasure. They were like my escape from the the cruel world. And then I stopped ingesting them and I'm like, wait,
00:24:17
Speaker
It's just crickets. Like i'm top my I'm totally fine without any of it, which is really so mind blowing to me. Like, how did i how was I so invested for 27 years in something, which once I gave it up, I didn't miss it for a moment.
00:24:31
Speaker
It's a real mind. That really is amazing. It is. So like in that sense, I really think sobriety has been a gift to me because, I just hadn't realized how how much I actually like my life as it is.
Surprise at Joy in Sober Life
00:24:45
Speaker
but yeah i really loved your wording when you were saying this. You were very extremely elated. i It's elating me to hear that. That's so, so cool.
00:24:59
Speaker
I just, you know, i can't, I still can't get over it. And so anytime people are like, well, are you sure? Like I went to, I went to France the other year and my friends like, you're really not going to have any champagne while you're in France. I'm like, you guys, I have swum in oceans of champagne.
00:25:13
Speaker
and i have, for that terrible movie, I've like had enough champagne to fill the Nile, you know, like I don't need any more champagne for the rest of my life. And my trip to to France was fantastic. And And I was like, I'm too, life is too good right now for me to chance it on something that I know only ever brought me down before. like Why would I even take that risk?
00:25:40
Speaker
And it's exactly feel like you said at the, though I guess more in the beginning, it's about a relationship that you have with a substance. Because it's basically a breakup.
00:25:51
Speaker
Like it's a breakup from, it's a cut off from a toxic relationship. that's oh That's a really good way of putting it. Yes. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. and yeah Generally, I think it's a... I should look up who who coined this framework, but it's like... think it's a very um helpful framework to look at our relationship with substances.
00:26:15
Speaker
Like, I have some stuff substances that i use, and I have a healthy relationship with them. Like, for instance, I just drank half a beer, and... That's not a problem for me However, i did have a period in my life where I was, ah had a really bad relationship with weed.
00:26:35
Speaker
Like it was detrimental to my mental health, like actually really detrimental, like hurting, like damaging my life. And I couldn't stop. And I was doing the same thing that you described before, this kind of like, Okay, I see that when I smoke weed in like social settings are people that I'm not very like very familiar with or comfortable with and I get paranoid. So I'm only going to smoke with good friends. And then I go to a birthday party of my best friend, but there are people there that I don't know and the pat they pass around a blunt and i just cannot resist. So I make an excuse, right? i'm saying like I'm saying to myself, well, most of the people here I know very well. And, you know, the new people are like good friends. And then I smoke and then I get paranoid and et cetera, et cetera. And at some point it just got really bad. And i was my boyfriend at the time already told me, like, in a very caring way, like, I think you should consider quitting because he witnessed firsthand, like how it is when I'm paranoid.
00:27:39
Speaker
And then I remember the day. It was like January 12th, 2021. And that was the day that I decided to quit to quit. And indeed, there were like some things that I did.
00:27:53
Speaker
i was um i will I will share this because I think it's a
00:28:01
Speaker
a cool thing that i got acquainted with that I wrote a letter to myself that I told myself, what am I going to gain from not smoking weed anymore in present tense?
00:28:14
Speaker
So it was like, I'm so happy that weed is not a part of my life anymore. Now I have so much space in my head to think about other things that are interesting, except for when are they going to pass the blunt? When are they going to pass the blunt? I have so much more free time. i have so much more energy. I have respect for myself because I was able to do the thing that I needed to do for myself.
00:28:39
Speaker
I have my mental health back. And then because I was so afraid that I'm going to be in that situation where the blunt was passed and I'm just going to forget about everything. i also did like now, like lately I learned that what I was doing is mental rehearsing.
00:28:56
Speaker
i was mentally rehearsing. i was imagining like I'm sitting somewhere, somebody passes me the blunt and I say, no, thank you. or I pass it on. And in that moment, instead of thinking of what I'm giving up, like the nice taste, the nice smell, the fuzz in my brain, I'm thinking about all the things that I'm gaining, which I wrote in the letter, which is like much much more substantial, right? Respect for yourself, mental health, so much more substantial than a little fuzz in your head.
00:29:25
Speaker
And to this day, i mean, most people like already know that I don't smoke and they don't pass it to me. But whenever somebody passes me a blunt and I pass it on, I swear i have a dopamine rush because it makes me feel so good to not smoke and I don't miss it at all. I'm really happy.
00:29:43
Speaker
And I support like whoever has good relationship with weed. I didn't. And it makes me feel elated that I don't miss it. And that's the thing, you know, like, I feel like you said, you said, I have all the respect for people who can have healthy relationships with substances. It just was never going to be me, you know, and that was a really hard truth to to wrap my head around. Like, why couldn't it be me? Why couldn't I be someone who just had half a beer?
00:30:10
Speaker
And that was enough. ah But sometimes there are questions you can't answer. You just have to accept the facts as they lay. And the other thing, you know, the other thing that really made an impact with this sobriety move was
Clarified Views on Family Relationships
00:30:27
Speaker
it gave me the clarity to accept that the relatives that I had left in my immediate family, the brother, the two brothers and the one sister, they were never going I had to accept that they were never going to be the family to me that I wanted them to be.
00:30:43
Speaker
And this was a huge thing because one of the ways in which we would hang out, one of the only things that we would ever do if we were together, we would always smoke and drink together. That was our activity as brothers and sisters. Oh, wow.
00:30:57
Speaker
Uh-huh. And... When I was able to abstain, it's it's like a lot of scales fell from my eyes and I really kind of saw myself, you know, i saw myself in a different light and I also saw our relationship and our and the limitations they had.
00:31:14
Speaker
And that was really important for me because i was only ever going to keep self-harming if I kept them in my life. Because the terms of our relationship were only ever about addiction and dysfunction.
00:31:31
Speaker
and I mean, all these with all these substances, they are numbing, right? They are diffusing or um kind of like gauzing. i don't know if I can use that as a verb, but like... yeah they're They're numbing us, right? They're making reality. They're taking the edge off. Like there's there's a reason for that saying.
00:31:52
Speaker
And even before you said that, you realized that, like that's a very hard thing to realize that your siblings cannot be the family that you want them to be.
00:32:04
Speaker
ah Like that is a very sobering realization. You know what I mean? Because it's very like, it's very sober in the sense like it's very, it's bleak in a way. It's just what it is.
00:32:15
Speaker
and I can totally understand that, you know, we use substances sometimes sometimes in a way that is unhealthy to escape from something. there There is a reason for it.
00:32:26
Speaker
yeah It doesn't come from, it doesn't come from thin air. It comes from somewhere, from the dark abyss. It is a dark effect. It really is. It's a black hole is what I would call it.
00:32:39
Speaker
um Because, you know, no light escapes, right? And that's that's what it feels like. And so... yeah I like that you said sobering. It was a very sobering realization. It's still sobering to this day. It's still painful. It's still very bleak to me because I'm somebody who is very family oriented. have a lot of love to give. But when my mom died, that was really, that was the end of that family, you know? And so with giving up addictions and substances,
00:33:05
Speaker
I finally had the clarity of mind to see what it actually was, what what the relationship actually was. And it was never going to be anything that served me. It was only ever going to be something that harmed me. And I hate that that's the way it is, but it is. That's that's what it is. It sounds so really painful, Rose. That sounds like a really, really painful thing to realize and just a situation to be in.
00:33:28
Speaker
Thank you. i appreciate the empathy. I do. I mean, I've cried a lot. i have I still cry over it. You know, it's not like I will grieve the loss of my, of the, who I thought were my brothers and my sister for the rest of my life. It's never going to be something I get over.
00:33:42
Speaker
But it's something I have to move beyond. Right. And being sober has given me, it's taught me the skills and the tools I need to to create a life that is meaningful and beautiful and joyful for
Life Improvements Post-Sobriety
00:33:57
Speaker
myself. And that's what I have now, you know, and that was the thing with.
00:34:02
Speaker
With breaking up with substances and accepting my family for what we are that's when everything in my life changed for the better. I mean, quintupled my salary earnings. I bought myself a house.
00:34:17
Speaker
I now drive, and I know this is super superficial, but when I was a kid, I dreamed about this. I now drive a Mercedes Benz. I am living the life I used have as a kid. I'm buying myself a grand piano later this year for Christmas. Like, yes, will live on like a baller, you know, and it's so amazing. Like every day when I get into bed, I'm like, just so happy. I'm like, Oh, I'm so my wonderful bed like, I just, I giggle sometimes when I get into bed, because it's so comfortable. And I'm so happy.
00:34:45
Speaker
Like, that's amazing. Amazing, you know, and I don't think I could have gotten here without these steps that I had to take, you know, and so all of this story is to tell you, It's why I wasn't able to date for a very long time. I did date a lot in my 30s, but I was dating from a place of of sadness and and and scarcity and just like desperation. Those are all horror show stories. Like I'll share some down the road, but like just trust and believe that those were the worst of the worst. Those were the scrotes, you know, that I was dating.
00:35:17
Speaker
And then when I got to take care of my mom, I was like, I just don't have time right now. I'm not in the space. And then I had that sort of like dark period following her death where it was just like full on addiction. I'm not dating anybody.
00:35:29
Speaker
But now that I'm almost three years into sobriety, I've never been healthier. I've never been more balanced and like rooted in healthiness, I guess. Just like ah Like healthy adult behavior.
00:35:46
Speaker
I'm now embodying
New Meaning and Stability
00:35:47
Speaker
a healthy adult. And for the longest time, I never worried about becoming an adult because I figured i would either kill myself or OD before I made it to like 50.
00:35:56
Speaker
That was my plan. I was like, I'm not going to kill myself while my mom is alive. But after that, all bets are off. So I never mind for like a retirement. I never had any like hopes or dreams for my life because I just was trying to stay alive until my mom died. And then I was like, then anything can happen. I don't care. Damn.
00:36:15
Speaker
Well, that's a 180 from where I'm at now. Now I really care. Now I'm like building up my Roth IRA. I've got my investment portfolio. Like I'm doing all the things that you're supposed to do for when you want to care for yourself, you know?
00:36:27
Speaker
And that's why I feel like now I'm ready to date because I am in such a completely different headspace. I mean, i could never have imagined I'd be so healthy and so whole.
00:36:39
Speaker
as I am now. it it feels miraculous, you know? and And this story might sound sad or it might sound you know like, oh man, what ah what a loser. Like I'm sure you can feel all sorts of feelings when you hear my story, but the reason I'm sharing it is because I think a lot of people actually mike might hear their own journey in this story. A lot of people silently struggle with addictions.
00:37:00
Speaker
A lot of people struggle with self-abuse. A lot of people come from families that are extremely harmful. um And these are stories that aren't fun to share. And often it's very easy to feel ashamed um because you look around and you see people who come from healthy families or they've got like a loving husband and you're like, wow, that could, I'm just too, much i that could never be me.
00:37:23
Speaker
You know, I'm just too broken. And that is how I felt for many, many decades. And it's only been now in my 40s that with the work I did with my therapist in my 30s and self-study and things like that as well,
00:37:37
Speaker
Um, and now with sobriety, it's like I needed all of these ingredients to come into play for me to really become like the human being that I was always meant to be, but had just lost along the way, you know? Yeah, I know what you mean.
00:37:52
Speaker
And I think this is the, first of all, it's a very beautiful story. And I don't hear any loser-ness here. I do. It resonated with me that you said it feels miraculous for you.
00:38:07
Speaker
And, yeah you know, going from how much of an addiction problem you had to how actually sober you are now. That's fucking amazing.
00:38:18
Speaker
And that's substantial. Substantial. It's a real, it's something I can point to that's a real, that's a real tangible victory for me, you know? Absolutely. And,
00:38:29
Speaker
Now my life is people like, well what do you, because for example, I don't have a TV. Although I lie, I bought a Roku at Christmas because my friends all give me their apps to watch, but I still don't watch anything. The point is until this Roku, as of December, I never owned a TV in my life. And people were like, what do you even do with your life? I'm like, I have a computer. Like I watch DVDs. I have a DVD collection. I practice piano. I'm calling my friends. I'm cooking. i'm taking bath. You can do lot of things without watching content.
00:38:59
Speaker
It's like have so much life. you mean? Exactly. i i mean, I've created a life for myself, a rich and rewarding life with many hobbies and and wonderful people who I consider, you know, my my chosen family.
00:39:12
Speaker
Um, and this is why I think dating is now going to be like a bonus, which is really what it should be. I really think we, we've been brought up to have dating be our primary objective so that we can make a man the center of our universe, right? Like that's patriarchy's ideology in a nutshell.
00:39:30
Speaker
But now I'm like, well, no, I would love to have a boyfriend or a significant other who like wants to go to the opera with me or wants to go, you know, camping up in the upper peninsula
Dating as Addition to Fulfilled Life
00:39:40
Speaker
of Michigan. And maybe we go out, you know, like these are things I love to do. And I would love to do them with, you know, with a maid of my heart. But he will be an addition. He will be like like Cher said, let men be the dessert of your life.
00:39:59
Speaker
Don't have them be the main course. Your life is the main course. And a man can just be a delicious dessert. And I think we all learn from Cher when it comes to attitudes towards men.
00:40:13
Speaker
Yeah, she has a very queen energy about it. Exactly. And it's not like she wasn't abused and exploited and doesn't, you know, didn't come from very similar troubled backgrounds, but she was just like, she believed in herself and she believed in her musical ability. And, and she created a fucking dynasty from that. We don't all have to be share, but I think the mentality, like your life is its own legacy. the The life you create and the person that you build and you become, that is, that is a notable legacy. I mean, we live in dark times, humanity,
00:40:45
Speaker
You know, it can be really, really grim sometimes. And it's really, really easy to become disheartened.
Addictive Behaviors in Relationships
00:40:52
Speaker
I'm somebody who's so sensitive, you know, i'm like such ah a musician and an artist and hearing about things can really just crush my spirit if I'm not careful.
00:41:02
Speaker
But Rose, I am going to stop you here because I wanted to take the zoom out to a different direction. And I think you'll like it. in um Is that OK? Absolutely.
00:41:14
Speaker
Absolutely. So it's not only a beautiful story, but also as a zoom out. So I think a lot of people have, yes, addiction problems, but also a larger scale, lot of people, a lot of women deal with things that make them engage with romantic relationships in a way that is unhealthy.
00:41:39
Speaker
for a big chunk of their lives. And i can also say about myself that it took me a long time to come to a place where I can see that I'm engaging in romantic relationships in a way that is healthy.
00:41:54
Speaker
Took me a long, long fucking time. I look back at like things that I... Things that I did in the past, like boyfriends that loved me that I dumped because i couldn't be loved.
00:42:07
Speaker
People that were really not good for me that I really tried to date or pursue. Like, just, I wouldn't say a shit show, but pretty like your run-of-the-mill pick-me anxious attachment behavior. And it took me like...
00:42:22
Speaker
I wouldn't say a lifetime, but a third of a lifetime to figure this stuff out. And i think in this context, it is very relatable, even for people who didn't go through an addiction issue that sometimes It takes you a while to indeed become the person that you were meant to be and to approach dating in a way that is healthy and in a way that is balanced and to come to it from the place that you want to, which is to relate to the other gender from a place of care, happiness, joy, right? Not out I'm leaning on you.
00:43:03
Speaker
to supply meaning for my existence, which is what happens when we're not, when we're deeply unbalanced. And I think from that standpoint, it's very relatable. also have a friend who battled with a a really serious eating disorder, which also has like similar...
00:43:21
Speaker
similar aspects in the way that it takes a hold of a hold of the spirit. And she had this eating disorder for 20 years and now she's recovered for the last ah year and a half. And it's amazing to hear her talk about it, but it indeed like,
00:43:39
Speaker
She never approached dating from a place of strength. She always felt like she's damaged goods because she's hiding something. She's always coming in hiding something.
00:43:50
Speaker
So this is just one example, but I think um a lot of people can relate with that. with Sometimes it takes you time honestly... honestly Get rid of all of the sorry shit that life put on you and really unhealthy patterns in which we exist in order to survive.
00:44:13
Speaker
Because sometimes childhoods are not pleasant, not safe, and we don't always have the support that we need. And then we develop all kinds of like really, really unhealthy patterns.
00:44:25
Speaker
Like I taught myself how not to breathe. And now learning to breathe and it feels great. But sometimes it takes a while. i In fact, I like that you pointed out sort of the broader strokes of this because I actually consider how women are brought up under patriarchy.
00:44:40
Speaker
The way we're brought up to think about romantic relationships and men is its own kind of addictive behavior. Yeah. um that's 100% like this drug of choice is love and we will make any sacrifice, we will ride or die. Like just think about all the language that that comes around being like somebody's, you know, soulmate. It always involves self-abnegation and martyrdom and, you know, abandonment of the self.
00:45:08
Speaker
Anything that's truly healthy is the opposite. You should be more rooted in the self than ever. But the way that they've set it up for us women is so that we sacrifice and so that we become sort of consumed by the relationship and and the labor involved.
Societal Expectations and Independence
00:45:23
Speaker
And so I think when you talk about addiction, you might hear some some parallels. And it's 100% because this is what we've been brought up to think is actual love under patriarchy. Oh, I hear you. And also, that really strikes a chord with me.
00:45:38
Speaker
Because indeed, um there is a certain druggy vibe to it when you're dating, when you're involved with somebody that doesn't make you feel good.
00:45:51
Speaker
Ultimately, if you if you have if you have your smarts about you and you're balanced emotionally, you can say that that person doesn't make you feel good. But if you're not, you become addicted, right? If they give you little bits of attention, if they give you some affection, but not enough, you go crazy instead of like recognizing hey, this person doesn't make me feel very good.
00:46:19
Speaker
But that's not trivial. And i I do resonate with what you said about like the... kind of like inception of romantic love as the ultimate goal.
00:46:32
Speaker
But I think there's like a deeper level there that it's in a way hijacks something that is deep rooted and natural and beautiful, which is our desire to love and care and to be loved and to be cared for.
00:46:49
Speaker
However, i think maybe if our society was structured in a way that is more natural, we could get that need met by ourselves. not only one romantic partner and you and I and other people who cultivate friendships and a community are indeed able to get that need met, not only through a romantic partner, but it's also something about how our society is set up in a way that is very individualistic, that like basically your only community is your romantic partner for a lot of people. And that's like really weird in and of itself.
00:47:21
Speaker
It's so anti-nature. It's so anti-social, which is the opposite of like human nature, which is how you can tell it's an artificial construct, right? Like community and sharing has always been like the bedrock of success across any species.
00:47:37
Speaker
And we're the only ones where it's like, oh, no, it's just one man and one woman in their own house alone. And that's supposed to be like, what? Are you kidding me? It's so anti-natural. Yeah. And it's so it's so disadvantageous to the woman and it's so advantageous to the man. And so we really think about these dynamics and and sort of the history of how these structures were were put into place, because you're basically looking at a master slave dynamic. And that's why oftentimes it doesn't feel good, but it does feel it feels necessary because.
00:48:10
Speaker
We are forced into positions where if we want to have stability or financial security, we have to rely on somebody external to us. But that's when relationships are most dangerous because you're coming from a position of vulnerability. And that's where abusers thrive, right?
00:48:25
Speaker
In any case, that's probably good for another
Role of Female Dating Strategy Community
00:48:28
Speaker
conversation. But this is this is a little bit of my life story. Patricia, I thank you for for wanting me to share it. It does mean a lot to be invited to do it. So because i I just don't talk about it very much. I just try to live it, you know, but it is nice to reflect on it. Thank much for sharing I think that's such an important story. And I really appreciate you coming forth so openly.
00:48:48
Speaker
And it really does relate. Intimately to the journey of leveling up just to put like a nice buzzword on it. But that's what it is. But like in a super deep way. Yeah. And FDS again was part, it was a huge part of that journey, right? Like,
00:49:06
Speaker
It was at that time that I discovered FDS was after I got back from my mom's death and moved back to the city. And then COVID happened. And I was so alone that I discovered Reddit because I'd never read Reddit before.
00:49:19
Speaker
And then that's how I discovered FDS. And it was like the the pieces just kept coming. like It was like the puzzle pieces started to come together with FDS. Yeah. The groundwork had been laid with therapy and with my own work over the years, but like it all really coalesced around FDS. And it's why I'm such ardent advocate for the handbook and for this community, because I think it can be this for so many more women. We just need one another. That's what we need more than ever. We need one another right now to be building together a better world and we can do it and we must do it.
00:49:50
Speaker
Hell yes. Right? Hear, hear. Yeah. Here, here. Here, here. Jolly good. But I think that's it for today, Patricia. I think that's all I got.
Patricia's Relationship Decision
00:50:00
Speaker
Nice. I just wanted to share with the listeners that I broke it off with the guy that I was seeing because I didn't feel...
00:50:08
Speaker
loved with him. I didn't feel... it didn't make me feel good. it's It was exactly this... It didn't do it on purpose, but it was exactly recreating this kind of anxious, ambivalent, that's me, and him. ah He's not avoided. I think, like, he's secure, but the way that he's... He's just very... He just gave me very little, and it took me stop...
00:50:33
Speaker
um stop stop using it as an opportunity to work on my anxious ambivalent patterns, which I did and I actually learned a lot. So that's nice. ah But yeah, i wanted to share that. I feel... i feel...
00:50:50
Speaker
like settled. i feel good about being true to myself and telling myself, i want to feel good and I don't want apologize for it.
00:51:02
Speaker
so yeah well Yes. Oh, my gosh. I think it's really interesting you point out like he he wasn't doing. And I she just watched a YouTube video the other day. It was like breaking up with the good enough man, breaking up with a good man.
00:51:14
Speaker
It was like, oh all these women who are like, I don't know. like He doesn't beat me. you know, she he shows up when he says he's going to show up. Like, can I really break up with him when he's done nothing wrong?
00:51:26
Speaker
Yeah, you can. Break up with anybody any damn time you please for any reason that you please for no reason. it also brings you like a detailed list of little things that were like not good enough, but it's not about that.
00:51:38
Speaker
It's not about that. It's it's an overall feeling. And it was... A realization that he doesn't make me happy and it's no one's fault. But it's also not your responsibility to stick around. No, and it's not my responsibility to keep performing the mental labor of adjusting my expectations and managing my emotions. It's not what I came to this world to do.
00:51:59
Speaker
yes That's so satisfying to hear you say it and to see that you've done it. You said it and you've done it. I think these are the two these are the two interlocking things that really have to meet for you to see differences in your life. It's one thing to say it, but it's another entirely to actually take the steps to do it. I salute you.
00:52:18
Speaker
Yeah. And after you do the thing that you believe in, you strengthen your ability to be there for yourself for the next time. You become more calm. You become closer to the person that you want to be each time you do that.
00:52:30
Speaker
Which is on ultimately it's honoring yourself.
00:52:35
Speaker
Feels good. That's what want all of you queens. We want you to honor yourselves and leave behind those scrotes who can't honor you need to be out. But that's the thing. It's not always a scrote, you know? it's also goes back to what I was saying in the last episode. Sometimes, like, we don't live in a world where, I don't know, you can imagine, like, a Sims world where you meet a man or, like, every person walks around with a little, like, um...
00:53:00
Speaker
blinking sign over their head saying low value, high value, negative value. It doesn't work like that. People's value is, first of all, relative to you, ah dependent on the time in life.
00:53:12
Speaker
And also importantly, shows up over time. And you got to be settled and connected. You're connected enough to yourself to realize what value a person brings to your life.
00:53:28
Speaker
That's really where it's all about. That's what it's all about. Thank you for reminding us, Patricia, and phrase rephrasing it so beautifully. With that, I'm going to sign off. I'm going to thank you for another fantastic conversation. Thank you. And I want to thank our queens for sticking with us.
00:53:45
Speaker
but I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Yay. And with that, we sign off. Do we say scrotes? I feel like we can leave them aside for now. I don't know. I don't feel like it's it. And Queens, we honor you. We salute you. And we'll see you next week. Yes.
00:53:59
Speaker
See you next week. Bye-bye.