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Breaking News: Men Are The Ones Who Can't Handle Their Feelings
1.6k Plays15 days ago
Join us today as we embark on a journey to men's emotional regulation, or lack thereof.
Scrotes die mad but it's actually tragic
Join the conversation by commenting on Spotify
Also, apologies for missing a week. Life happens sometimes, but we are here and aim to keep the consistency ♡♡♡
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Transcript
Introduction and Apologies
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female only podcast on the Internet. I'm your host, Patricia. And I am Rose. And we are welcoming Patricia back from vacation. Patricia, did you enjoy your time?
00:00:15
Speaker
It's complicated. Okay. But you're back home safe and sound. Yes, I'm back home in Europe safe and sound. Grateful
Emotional Regulation in Men vs. Women
00:00:24
Speaker
for all I have and for the privilege of being safe. And also with that, we want to apologize to you, Queens, ah for basically missing a week. There were things that were out of our control and we could not make it until until right now. So we are sorry. It's not our intention. We acknowledge the delay.
00:00:46
Speaker
We wish to be more consistent with you, but sometimes life happens and we're sorry. Life happens sometimes. Yes, indeed. But onward and upward. So while I was traveling, i started thinking about, you know, how men, you know, how men yeah and do where they don't even try to control their feelings It shows differently. So basically what I want to say is, contrary to common belief and contrary to common stereotypes, actually men are really bad at emotional regulation.
00:01:28
Speaker
that That's something that they put on us, but in reality, it's the opposite. And i will explain. What I mean is that we women, like I will talk about myself and some friends that I know closely,
00:01:41
Speaker
We experience more emotions. Like, I think that I experience the world in a more emotional way and I express more emotions than like the average men, let's say.
00:01:53
Speaker
Of course, it also varies. But what I mean to say is that maybe due to our socialization and maybe because we're based queens, we learned, we women learned to implement emotional regulations. What does that mean? we That means that if we feel something, we can...
00:02:11
Speaker
pretty well separate our feelings from reality and then act accordingly. That doesn't mean that we will ignore our feelings, but it means that we can recognize that we are feeling something and recognize that our emotions are not reality.
00:02:27
Speaker
At the same time, men, due to their socialization and due to patriarchy in which like a man is the basic unit of society and like by virtue of him being a male, his action is more correct.
00:02:42
Speaker
They behave. like they want to. And if they feel like doing something, and if they feel something, they will be activated by their emotions in a way that we do not allow ourselves.
Testing Emotional Responses in Relationships
00:02:54
Speaker
But it shows differently.
00:02:57
Speaker
And the way that they behave when they're emotional, we don't call it emotional. I can say more things, but I would love to hear what you think. I've got lots of ideas. I am curious to know what precipitated this particular train of thought.
00:03:13
Speaker
Well, it was two things. one is that on the flight, the man next to me, I was sandwiched between two men and they both at some point, I noticed that they're like checking me out from the corner of their eyes and like, whatever, shook it off.
00:03:27
Speaker
And then the guy next to me, like made a whole charade to look at my boob. Mind you, I was fully clothed in winter clothing. Not that it mattered what I wore. And mind you, I have like a B cup or something.
00:03:41
Speaker
Like it's it's nothing that he hasn't seen before. Mind you, his wife was on the flight like two rows of ahead. I don't know why she was separated from him ah because he's an insufferable
Emotional Literacy and Societal Roles
00:03:53
Speaker
creep. But like, dude, I'm sitting next to you for like a five hour flight.
00:03:59
Speaker
Have you never seen a boob before? Do you really like did you really have to do this right now? And afterwards, he also like at first he felt bad. And then he started acting like nothing happened. I covered myself up with my jacket and then went for a long break. When I came back, I saw that his wife was like talking to him about me, like doing mime of like covering up with the jacket.
00:04:26
Speaker
I don't know. They made me so uncomfortable. And I was thinking like, oh what happened is that this guy had an urge. And he just couldn't resist the urge. And he doesn't feel in his socialization, in his role in society and in the, i don't know, expectations that are ah implemented on him, he didn't yeah feel strongly that he needed to do anything to resist that urge.
00:04:50
Speaker
So he just acted upon it. Whereas i always have things that I am thinking and feeling and I'm always like regulating that and managing it. And the other thing that I guess is more substantial is I was sharing on the part that I was dating somebody and like that dating experience was really challenging for me in terms of emotional regulation because it was very, he's very like, he's fine with talking very little and mostly like conversing when we meet.
00:05:21
Speaker
And he's, like I mentioned, he's fine with making plans for the day after. And that leaves me with a lot of uncertainty. It took me a long time. It took me a while to like,
00:05:32
Speaker
you know, like not be anxious about it or not get pissed off about it, but just tell him like, hey, I need you to make a plan with me earlier. But basically what I'm trying to say here is that when I broke off with him because I realized like I'm actually not happy, like this is I'm working so hard just to date him.
00:05:53
Speaker
And it's actually not that rewarding. But I'm doing all this work to emotionally regulate myself because the character of interaction that I have with him is so challenging for me and brings up a lot of like my, let's say, anxious side.
00:06:08
Speaker
i need to do all this work. And for what? He's not even that interesting. So then I broke it off with him. yeah And then I learned that what I found so attractive about him that I thought he's very stoic.
00:06:20
Speaker
I found his quiet nature so attractive because I thought he's like, he's so calm. No,
Challenges in Modern Dating Culture
00:06:27
Speaker
he's not calm. He's not stoic.
00:06:31
Speaker
He went ballistic. He has no emotional regulation. He was just not challenged. He didn't feel that much. He didn't need to emotionally regulate himself.
00:06:42
Speaker
When he needed to emotionally regulate himself, he didn't he couldn't even try. His ability to regulate his emotions is zero. He went off the handle. For somebody who says that he doesn't like to talk on WhatsApp, he sent me so much messages. um And I was like, oh my God, this person is not stoic.
00:07:05
Speaker
He was just not not emotionally challenged until right now. And when he is emotionally challenged, his regulation was like 0.0% of mine.
00:07:18
Speaker
I'm not laughing. I'm laughing almost in horror because, you know, and this is something actually, um Patricia, this is something in the FDS handbook and the FDS ethos that we suggest early on in your dating relationship.
00:07:32
Speaker
that you say no. Now, not not just to say no for the sake of saying no. If there's something that you're not interested in or you just prefer like something else, practice saying no because oftentimes that's the first inkling you're gonna get of who he really is behind the facade of socialized persona, right? Because it's fine to be stoic when you're never challenged or you don't feel anything deeply about it something one way or the other.
00:08:02
Speaker
But when you get triggered, so to speak, if you get no or, you know, somebody has a different opinion, that's usually when people's true colors start to shine through. And that's what happened with this guy you were dating, huh?
00:08:14
Speaker
Yeah, I guess so. Like, i I think I did change plans on him, like, in other occasions when I needed to. okay But yeah, that wasn't like, that wasn't a negative experience for him. And I didn't intend it to be.
00:08:27
Speaker
Right, right. Exactly. I understand exactly what you mean. And I do remember that like to to impose a no just to see how like basically to check the values, to check the person's behavior.
00:08:40
Speaker
Yeah. I think, you know, especially in the beginning when everybody's wearing their rose-colored glasses and everybody's, what is what is it that Chris Rock says? You're meeting their representative. That is so true.
00:08:51
Speaker
Yeah, right? It's like you're
Learning from Relationships
00:08:53
Speaker
not really meeting who that person is at their core. You're meeting, you know, the person they're putting foot is forth as their best foot forward. um But it's also true for me. I was also putting like my, my ah you know, my A game because I i wanted to be As interested in me as possible.
00:09:12
Speaker
And then from the side, right? That's like the strategy. I mean, it's all of us, right? We all are trying to, that's part of what we is, right? It's like learning who we are at our best. But what FDS is also indicating is like, we also should we also need to make an effort to learn who people are at their worst. Like one thing I've always said is that I would never marry anybody before traveling to a lesser developed country for an extended period of time.
00:09:39
Speaker
o What is an extended period of time? um More, like two weeks or more. That is such a cool criteria. and Right? Yeah, because then you're actually tackled with, you know, things not being comfortable.
00:09:53
Speaker
Exactly. I think Americans, is but and the reason it can't be like two weeks is kind of the minimum or the maximum even for Americans because like it's good luck even getting two weeks to travel off. But I do think there's something about, you know, if you know you're going somewhere and you're going to be back in like five days, you can usually barrel through like lack of sleep or sleep. you know, maybe maybe you've got some sort of like flea infestation at the hotel, whatever can happen that can go wrong. If you're going to be back in a couple of days, you're usually able to be like, it's okay, I'll get through it. But if you've got 10, 15, 20 days, at a certain point, you know, your representative is going to have a breakdown and you're going to meet the real person. Let's say your bus is, you know, yeah your bus is broken down on the side of the road. This happened with me and my mom. The bus broke down. We had a bus break down on us twice.
00:10:41
Speaker
ah The first breakdown, we had another bus come pick us up, and then that bus broke down. so um That was in Chile. And um she and I, we just, we took out our cards, we had our books, we of course had our water and our snacks, because we are always prepared. But you know, it was also just like...
00:10:59
Speaker
we were comfortable with each other's company and also with just like the ambiguity of like, oh, we know things will get fixed, hopefully before dark, but like really it's it's out of our hands. We don't have cell phones at that era. We didn't have cell phones.
00:11:11
Speaker
um And like, I'm sure the guy who's the bus driver is like in touch with the company. Something will get figured out, right? There are so many Americans who could never handle that kind of level of ambiguity who might start, you know, harassing the bus driver, who might start, you know, an argument with your with your seatmate who's taking up too much of the, you know there's so many ways in which things can go wrong. And I think it's really important to see how do people handle themselves with discomfort, with ambiguity, with uncertainty. it's It tends to trigger a very primal part of people's core personality. And that I think is where you really start to see their metal or lack thereof.
00:11:52
Speaker
Precisely. Wait, what do you mean by metal? Metal refers to, uh, yeah, it's, it's actually spelled M E T T L E. It's like what you're made of. Like, are you made of, are you made of plastic? Are you made of steel? Are you made of adamantine? Are you made out gum? Like the, the real like foundational makeup of who you are. That's your metal. I love the vocabulary. And thank you. In the essence of things, that's exactly it. That's exactly it because those are the moments when you exactly don't rely on the representative, on the, let's say, superficial software that you can lean on when you're going on.
00:12:36
Speaker
I don't know, the few first dates or a few months, depends how intense it it is. And when something like that happens, when you're actually kind of like when you're holding a heavy weight and then you're actually using your, not your core even, but your skeletal structure. That's what it makes me think of, right? Because in moments like this, you need to rely on your, really your core values and who you are as a person.
00:13:02
Speaker
Yes. youre you know Sometimes you're like, you're thinking about something and you and you're upset about something and you're thinking about something that you want to say. And then you're like, wait, that's not who I am.
00:13:14
Speaker
That's not who I want to be in this world. This is not what I'm here to do. Yeah. And this is where your true self comes out. Well, and this is so also, you know, I've traveled with some friends ah to my favorite place in the world. What I call Nature's Cathedral is the Boundary Waters, which is on the border between Minnesota and Canada.
00:13:34
Speaker
Cool. And it is one of the coolest places. It's it's ah it's just basically wooded islands and waterways, electricity, no electricity. no reception.
00:13:45
Speaker
um You have to bring everything in that you need and you have to bring everything out. There's no like trap. Everything you bring in is what you're going to survive on. Okay. You're camping out. It is awesome. It is the coolest thing ever. And right now under the current regime, they're trying to open it up to mining to a Chilean mining company. And I'm really hoping that we can avoid that because it's one of the last pristine waters of the natural world. um But so i had taken various groups of friends there over the years, Often international friends, because they'd be like, I really want to do something that's so American that like even Americans don't do it, you know, and I was like, we're going to the boundary waters. And um like one time with this one group, it was raining the whole day that we set off. Rain, rain, rain.
00:14:27
Speaker
when we ended up getting to our at the campsite that we settled in, it was almost dark. We didn't have anything ready to go. Like we had to set up our tent in the rain, in the approaching dark, like, and we were missing some things. And buddy Mark would be like, Rose, what are we going to do? we don't have this belay cord. We don't have this other item. And I'd be like, hmm, let me just like go through, let me go through the materials that we've got. Let me see what we've got. We'll find a solution. And I kept finding solutions, right? Like, he's like, you're a true MacGyver. And, you know, like I thrive, I thrive in situations like that because I'm just like, let me be creative. Let me like, let me find solutions that it doesn't occur to others to find just because it's like, it's a game. It's a challenge. It makes me feel alive, you know? yeah but And creativity flourishes with restrictions. Yes.
00:15:13
Speaker
Yeah, but I've been around some guys who just like freak out and get really angry and get really sullen and like want to sulk. And, you know, they don't want to, they don't want to consult. They don't want it to be a team project. They want to be the hero, but they can't figure it out. And then they're mad about it. And I'm just like, this is not, this is not the way to live, man. Like, this is not, this is not what I'm about, you know? But again, it's in these situations that you really, the true test of someone comes through. And this is why I know like, I am somebody you want in case of a zombie apocalypse. Like if you're going to be in a plane crash in the Andes, you're going to want me with you. You know, it's ah not like I would relish this opportunity, but I will make the best of it, you know. so And there is something really, really valuable in having that kind of can-do spirit, especially when you're in a situation that just – it seems hopeless or you're just kind of at the end of your tether. You need somebody who's going to remain calm, who's going to help buoy spirits, who's going to find you know solutions and and possibilities. Because I don't know if you've been around those people who are just negative Nellies all the time, but it is it is so demoralizing. to be around those kinds of people or to live with them long-term. And that's why I can't be in those kinds relationships with people. And that's why I insist that whoever I end up dating, like we're going to go into boundary waters. We're probably going to travel to um the Amazon. you know We're probably going to go to like Patagonia at some point because these are places where
00:16:38
Speaker
It's you against nature. And I just, I love it so much. It's so, it's so fantastic. And of course these are, these places are like the wonders of, the natural marvels of the, of the world. Like who wouldn't want to go to these places? Like when people are like, we're going to go to it. Yeah. We're going to go to Patagonia.
00:16:56
Speaker
Buckle up. Buckle up, pack your pack. You know, because like, I just can't be with somebody who's like, let's go to let's go to an all inclusive resort in Mexico that has private beach for week. Like never. let's look let's thing Put me in a grave.
00:17:11
Speaker
Exactly. Right. So, and so I think that your point of being like, here I was on this plane ride where, you know, we're all relying on this social contract of like being on your best behavior. Don't be a creep. Right. Right? And this guy couldn't even that. Plus, he was sitting next to the window. The unwritten social contract says, if you're next to the window, the person in the middle gets the hand thingy.
00:17:34
Speaker
And he put his hand on the hand thingy. And he kept touching my elbow and touching my knee after he stared at my boob. like, dude, you're breaking not one, but two social contracts.
00:17:48
Speaker
Get your elbow off the hand thingy. You have to do so. Oh my gosh, Patricia, let's make it. ah This is a public service announcement. This is old school etiquette. And maybe people don't know this, but old school etiquette and social contract demands that whoever has the middle seat in the airplane gets both armrests because they have nowhere else to go. The one thing they get are the armrests on both sides because they are in between two unattractive old men. Give me something.
00:18:23
Speaker
Oh my gosh, Patricia, I'm so sorry. That sucks so bad. But so one thing I wanted to push back on, one thing I wanted to amend in your statement was, it's not that I think men feel less or feel differently. What I would argue is they are less literate in identifying what emotions feel. That too, that too.
00:18:47
Speaker
Mm hmm. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about this. So I think we, you know, the whole range of human emotions, we all experience that spectrum, but women have been sort of the off ramp for social stressors since time immemorial. I mean, back in the day, you know, they either sent men off to war or they made sure they had a wife because young men's emotions, they had their head to have an outlet for their emotions. So they'd either send them off to war or they'd get them married to a woman because they knew that the woman would be the emotional laborer on behalf of the man. That's depressing.
00:19:23
Speaker
It is depressing. And that's actually what we're seeing in the at least in the United States. And I would argue worldwide right now. Yeah. um the The rise of the manosphere and the right far right. The right to a wife has diminished and now their repression and aggression has risen.
00:19:40
Speaker
Exactly. And I think it's not for nothing that we're having like wars crop up now. Like, let's be real. This is this is something, this is an age old. In fact, in China, they call this the... um The bear branch.
00:19:54
Speaker
They refer to young men who are unmarried with no children and very few job prospects as a bear branch. Okay. And what do you do with a bear branch? It's not bearing anything. It's taking away resources from the rest of the healthy tree and trunk. You chop it off.
00:20:13
Speaker
And so what we doing great yeah right what we're dealing with right now is this epidemic of bare branches of young, aimless men who have no direction, who have very little hope, who have been sold copium, which is that women are the problem and the solution is every man should have his own.
00:20:32
Speaker
And it's leading to this breakdown in society and the social contracts because instead what what they're doing is the classic divide and conquer. The ruling class has amassed so much wealth. It's obvious that they need to be overturned. The French solution needs to be applied. I don't know how we can be in doubt about this. And they know it too. And that's why they are fomenting these The French solution you off with their heads? Correct.
00:20:57
Speaker
Interesting. Please continue. That what... Well, I mean, like a Trump or an Elon Musk or a Jeff Bezos or a Rupert Murdoch, like all the better to apply the French solution. I don't see them doing any good to humanity. All I see them doing is fomenting division and literal war.
00:21:13
Speaker
So, you know, at a certain point, it's like, why do we continue? Why is this person, why is this individual who is a parasite to society, who is a plague and a cancer? Why do they get to continue to rule over us?
00:21:26
Speaker
you know, instead of having a sal solution. And again, this is something that's been, this has been a known quantity in, since the ruling classes of China, of ancient China, you know what i mean? Like this is nothing new.
00:21:37
Speaker
um But I think since women have never had such relative freedom and, so many rights, they've never really had to grapple with the fact that like men have always been able to off source their emotional regulation onto the women in their lives, whether it's their mother, their sister, their cousin, their best friend, often their girlfriend and wife, even their daughters.
00:22:00
Speaker
I hear you. I hear you lot. I'm clear. And I think that like, I don't know if this is too broad of a statement and like influenced by what I see around me, but I would argue that even men who are married or in relationships, like women are less inclined to do this mental labor, free mental labor for them. And I also would like to say that I am a huge proponent of the male emotional illiteracy. I sometimes like jokingly call it like it's as if they're lactose intolerant.
00:22:32
Speaker
Like they're their ability to digest emotions and to take them apart is very, very limited. And it takes them a very long time. And I sometimes equate it water.
00:22:45
Speaker
Like they feel a lot of things. They are not sure what they're feeling. They just know that like they're soaking wet or the the room is full of water. You know, sometimes emotions are like water and we women are pretty adept at, I don't know, I feel like for me it's an... You've been trained.
00:23:05
Speaker
we have been trained. don't know if I've been trained, but I also feel like it's an innate ability for me. Like I feel things and then in order to cope, I'm like, okay, I feel this and also this and also this. And then sometimes i make a plan about how to solve one of the things and then, you know, that's compar compartmentalizing.
00:23:24
Speaker
And then I would talk to a friend about the other things or about everything. Like, you know, then if you recognize the different things that you're feeling and understand how they're related to things that you are going through, you can help yourself.
00:23:39
Speaker
I do. part part This could be, well, one thing I have heard is that there have been studies that show that um male babies are more sensitive and prone to crying than female babies.
00:23:55
Speaker
And this has actually been like empirical studies have been shown that they they don't have as robust response to stress as the female infant does have. um And so, you know, who knows what, where I don't know where where this is encoded from. I do feel like for women to have survived, again, having been historically part of the prey class And men having been part of the predator class, it wouldn't surprise me, Patricia, if this has literally been handed down through DNA as a matter of survival, right?
00:24:28
Speaker
Because I remember when I would go home, if my dad were home and he were in a mood, you know, i i could sense it. And I don't know how it is that I could sense it, but I could even from a very young age. And that meant that I knew that instead of going into the living room to like sit on the couch and relax, I should make myself scarce and go upstairs to my bedroom and be really quiet.
00:24:49
Speaker
Right. And that was to protect myself. And I think... Right. I think that's the case for many, many women is that in their households, they had to learn from a very young age how to placate, how to disappear, how to, how to cook something in particular. If you wanted something to happen that week, you know what i mean? Like learning how to ask favors when they're in the right mood at the right time. Like all of this is stuff that they never have to consider because they do not feel threatened by us. Right. Right.
00:25:18
Speaker
And I can imagine it must feel amazing to be in a relationship with somebody like that. Like, oh my God, somebody who actually catered to my emotional needs, who like is constantly aware and managing things so that life is easier for me and more pleasant. Like what life that must be.
00:25:37
Speaker
i would want that too. And you know what? I'd feel really mad if I've been promised that and it wasn't happening. ah So I think that's a lot of what we're dealing with. And if anything, I think, you know, part of this social contract breaking down is because men are so mad at us because we're for refusing. We're basically on strike for the first time in in historical consciousness. And they don't they have no idea what to make of it because they don't they're not literate. They're not able to identify what it is they're feeling. They just know it doesn't feel good.
00:26:10
Speaker
Yeah, that too. I would also like, you know, in my in my effort to make peace between the genders and and not perpetuate war at all costs, um yeah I will also say to their benefit that it may be unclear in some capacity. It may be unclear to them what we want.
00:26:30
Speaker
Although you and I understand that it's simple. Yeah. um There also might be a facet where men don't understand what to do.
00:26:42
Speaker
And also there are a lot of other issues with like ah lack of willing to to invest, lack of willing to see that the other person is a whole person just like you and you are not entitled to their mental labor. But then like how will they learn if we don't like make it scarce for them?
00:27:03
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Women have been communicating this. It's not like we haven't been saying this for decades. They don't want to hear it from us. Yeah, but also so they don't understand words. Men don't understand words. They understand they understand they understand each other perfectly well when men use words with other men.
00:27:23
Speaker
because they value what other men have to say. They're perfectly capable of understanding words and emotions, but is it worth it to them? When they get enraged at work, are they going to go shout and scream and grab their boss?
00:27:37
Speaker
Never. ah So they do have emotional regulation, but it's when is it advantageous for them to be regulated or when do they not value it enough? Like if they could just fly off in a rage and they know that she's never going to leave, then what's the point of of regulating yourself? or just give Or just give the bare minimum. just not yeah but I'm really, really trying to be devil's advocate here.
00:28:02
Speaker
Yeah, great. But I'm having a difficult time. Yeah, you're going to have a difficult time. Because it's about the incentives. We're all very simple creatures and it's all about incentives.
00:28:15
Speaker
And as long as what I want, even if I speak about myself, as long as what I want is fulfilling itself in reality, my need to change my behavior is zero.
00:28:29
Speaker
I only need to adjust my behavior if I'm not getting the reward that I want. And it's it's the same with every other person, whether it be male or female, the problem is that indeed there is some kind of like some kind of misconception that men just think that they're entitled to us being nice, kind, yeah caring to us to them. And they don't understand that that's actually effort that we are putting in.
00:29:00
Speaker
And it costs us energy. All those neurons firing in our brain. We could have been using that to solve some math equation or something, you know? it six so I like that you describe it as energy because, you know, we we talk about energy resources, right? Like, oh, we should we should switch to solar because it's like an infinitely renewable energy source. It's not because you don't consider the materials that you need to make the device. But anyways, it just happens to be my field of research. Oh my God, that's amazing. But I mean, but this is my whole point. People think this because they're like, but it's sunny out. And I think it's a similar misconception that men have around women and are handling of...
00:29:41
Speaker
of their energy and their emotions. Like, yeah, we can do it, but there's a cost. Exactly. There's a cost. It needs to be worth it. Uh-huh. And like, also things start to deteriorate over time and there's maintenance upkeep. And then sometimes you have to like swap out one piece for a new piece because you keep through with a different kind of material that's more efficient. Like there are all these things, you know, that go into it.
00:30:04
Speaker
Right? And so maybe one of the things that we can contribute is like how we... frame women's resources as like ah another source of, um it's a finite renewable resource. It's a finite source of energy. And, you know, for the longest time, they've relied on that being infinite. And now what what women have woken up to is the fact that we don't have to be an infinite source.
00:30:30
Speaker
we We cannot be if we want to have a healthy planet and a healthy society. I mean, I think a lot of the breakdown of society has been because women can't keep bearing this weight and we won't.
00:30:41
Speaker
um And so societies are starting to really show that strain because we were sort of the garbage in, garbage out. portion of society.
00:30:52
Speaker
But, you know, being that we're finally revolting against being a subservient servant class or permanent underclass of servants to men, um there there are a lot of things that have to change. And I don't think we're having honest conversations about, you know, what can we do to improve life for everybody? Damn. I would like to answer with tying some things together.
00:31:17
Speaker
yeah Because a lot of the times when people speak about like historically, la la la, or like right now when you were describing how we used to be for time immemorial or like for the duration of history, ah subservient um class, we need to remember that the social structure that we are in is not that old.
00:31:44
Speaker
Okay. People keep using the fifties for some reason as like a reference point of history. It was, it was not even a hundred years ago. That is not history. It's just a point in time that was like relatively peaceful.
00:32:00
Speaker
And people like to think back as that as a reference point. It is not a reference point. And sometimes when I think about these things, about like how we were talking about, um you know, for instance, is our emotional literacy as women innate or socialized?
00:32:16
Speaker
And all are all the things that have to do with like intuitions and how good we are um naturally at understanding people's needs and emotions, including our own, our families and our friends. And then this is what we're discussing like,
00:32:31
Speaker
How much are we willing or how much do we need to utilize that? But the a ability is there. So what I want to say is that when I think about history or when I think about these like ah innate differences in the genders, I like to think in my mind to imagine that.
00:32:50
Speaker
Ancient societies were like, there were probably a lot of different kinds of societies. Like the research about hunter-gatherers pretty much doesn't know a lot because there was nothing written. So what we can assume is that everything existed, like every permutation.
00:33:09
Speaker
Some societies were patriarchal, some societies were matriarchal. Some societies ate meat, some didn't. Some were polyamorous, some were monogamous. That's how I like to think about it. Like if there were ah if there was a community that lived next to the sea, they probably ate seafood. And if there was a community that was like deep in the forest, they probably had mostly berries. or you know what I mean? Like every permutation existed.
00:33:34
Speaker
yeah And what I like to think about that is that, like, if I think of that as the substantial part of the development of my biology, then it is clear to me that my ability to understand the workings of human hearts, minds, to see looks between people and to understand the meaning,
00:33:58
Speaker
is not just a tool to serve somebody else. It is a very deep and strong power, power and strength that exists in me, in my flesh, in my biology as a woman.
00:34:14
Speaker
And now in the last permutation of society, i am living in a society that treats that as a secondary power. But I like to think that in ancient societies and in how we developed as humans, even though women were probably not the strongest, we were still strong and also we had an integral part in maintaining the society, in understanding things. in making peace, in being wise.
00:34:42
Speaker
And I like to think about that and not about the 50s. Thank you. That was so beautifully said, Patricia. i i think it's so funny when we talk about going back to the fifty s I'm like, first of all, the only reason the 50s were such a time of prosperity was because the world had just gone through two world wars. Exactly. There's a specific set of circumstances for this one decade to be so prosperous. Secondly, right?
00:35:06
Speaker
And also women have always worked. Why are you trying to act like women never worked before now? Like women have always labored. The only women who have never had jobs have been the elite of the elite, queens, princesses, duchesses. And even then they had their own tasks they had to complete, right? They they still had responsibilities they had to fulfill. But yeah there have always been washer women and nannies and women cooks and, and, and. Women have always been required for society to run. Please stop acting like this is some new societal evolution, okay? But
00:35:41
Speaker
but Do you mean like how when when you're tying the 50s to women working, do you mean that people are like nostalgic about the 50s because supposedly then you could exist on one income and the woman, quote unquote, did not work?
00:35:55
Speaker
Yeah, typically that's what the, that's, yes, that is what ah is usually used as an example for like why it was an ideal time in life. Like mothers could be home with their children and they didn't have to work or labor, even though of course they were doing everything under the sun to keep a household running is a lot of work.
00:36:11
Speaker
People pay me a lot of money to manage households. Let me just say that. I can earn very well if i when i if and when I choose to contract as a household manager. um But i just it's it's such blinkered perspectives. It's such cherry-picked data. And that's, I think, what always gets me. And that I always have such data and facts to come back with because I'm like, everything you're saying is impartial and inexact.
00:36:36
Speaker
and veiled and like, ah you're doing everything you can to twist knowledge to suit your own needs or, or objectives. But if you actually like a super small subset of reality and time and place and use it as a reference point, why?
00:36:54
Speaker
Yeah. Well, right. For for propaganda, for for misinformation and disinformation campaigns and and ideological, it's an ideological battle, right? And if you don't have any sort of historical perspective, you don't know that you're a pawn in the story, right? it's it's I just find it so fascinating. Like, if I could just have a quick aside, something that really surprised me when we had COVID happen,
00:37:18
Speaker
Anybody who has read extensively knows that there is a plague every 100 years or so, literally throughout history, especially like the French wrote a lot of novels about the plague that went down in in their neck of the woods. And like, I want to say. Well, maybe because they don't bathe. Just kidding.
00:37:38
Speaker
Well, apparently that's still a thing. People still aren't bathing. But no, I mean, you know, especially whenever you get a sort of concentration of human populace in one area, you know, you deal with contagions. That's just part of human existence on a planet, you know. And so when everybody was so shocked, like, oh, my God, COVID, a pandemic. I'm like, yeah, they used to call this the plague and it would happen like ah the Spanish flu happened approximately. Yeah, exactly.
00:38:03
Speaker
Right. A hundred years ago. a fortune or something a Right. Yeah. and And like 19, right before World War One, there had also been a huge plague that had killed ah an enormous amount of global population. And so I feel like when people are surprised, it's just like, I'm surprised that you're surprised. Because if you read anything about history, you know, this, this is cyclical. It happens every 100 years or so But again, humans tend to have a very short view of things. And I understand like when we're laboring under the yoke of capitalism or feudalism or whatever, you know, iteration of the ruling classes in this present day and age, it is so hard to keep your head up and to have the energy to look at things um from ah from a broader lens or to try and go research and read up on books on things, you know, and and get yourself educated because it behooves the ruling class to keep us
00:38:55
Speaker
ill-educated. I mean, that's what we're dealing with in in the United States right now, especially. It's just like the lack of education. Yeah, absolutely. education I fact-checked myself. I was just a hundred years off. It's 1918, right? 1917, 1914, around there, right? Yeah. About, yeah. hundred years before COVID.
00:39:14
Speaker
And yeah, I hear you a loud and clear. And i would argue that actually this is ah the biggest problem we have today is that we are living in really unhealthy information environments.
00:39:29
Speaker
And the value of truth is long gone. And yeah, I have arguments about with my mom when she says like, she she tells me something and I'm like, Where did you hear that? Who said that? Did you check it? And then she gets a full lecture about how, just what I said, we live in a world where we're in an information environment that is very unsafe. And she needs to be very careful about where she gets information.
00:39:57
Speaker
but yeah, I mean, what you said is so true because it's so...
00:40:04
Speaker
It's very convenient when people are dumb. In my country of origin, a very troubled place called Israel, people are led to believe that democracy just means that you elected somebody.
00:40:16
Speaker
And they are just dumbed down to forget that... Democracy means that you have a few institutions and they have checks and balances. Like there's propaganda to make them forget it. And everybody's too busy. surviv I'm going to stop here because I get very emotional, but basically, um,
00:40:38
Speaker
Information is very important and if we try to tie it back to dating and to the genders, I for one and I think my dear host as well, we do not promote gender wars.
00:40:54
Speaker
We do not promote... hatred against men or putting all men in one category and saying that they're all this way or that way. But there are some issues, let's say it like that. And what we're discussing today about like emotional regulation or lack thereof is important. And if I try to tie it back to a strategy, the first thing I would like our ladies to understand is that You are not responsible for somebody else's emotions.
00:41:26
Speaker
Even if, and especially if, it is a man that you are dating. If he is going off the handle or if you did the say no thing to see how he reacts and he reacts badly, that is not your problem.
00:41:42
Speaker
It is a person that is separate from you, therefore they have free will, you have free will. You cannot influence their behavior. And more importantly, it is not your job to take responsibility for somebody else's emotions and behavior and responses.
00:41:59
Speaker
It is not our responsibility. And let me tell you, living like that, taking responsibility for everything that's happening around you is very, very exhausting. You will not live a healthy life if that's how you live life.
00:42:12
Speaker
It will make you ill. I mean, there's a reason why women have the highest rate of autoimmune diseases, okay? That's not unrelated. um And, you know... I agree with you. Like we, if anybody who loves men more than us, we actually advocate for dating them. We actually advocate for healthy romantic relationships.
00:42:32
Speaker
do you know what i'm saying? Like who hates men more than the manosphere? They absolutely hate themselves and they hate each other. And that gets turned out and projected onto us. You know, it's a classic, like, psychological trap that they're falling into. don't know. I don't visit the manosphere, but I think they're probably sad and frustrated. But I did listen to, I'm not going to mention the name, but I did listen to a let's say, feminist podcast oh last week. for i took one for the team.
00:43:00
Speaker
I did it for us. and i was And I was listening and i'm I got so angry. I got so pissed off. I'm like, they're sitting there talking about how nobody cares about pim's men's problems. We don't care about the male loneliness epidemic because they don't care about women. And I'm like, who is this for?
00:43:22
Speaker
Who is this helping? Everybody's just frustrated. Like, obviously, men and women, if they're heterosexual, they want to they want to form meaningful relationships. And we are now in an era that we are tragically unable to form connections.
00:43:38
Speaker
And if we do, they're fleeting because we have the illusion or the reality of plentifulness. But I don't understand why propagate hate against the whole gender and say that they...
00:43:51
Speaker
don't care. I do, I can say in a more caveated way, in a more nuanced way, that I found that men do take um women's emotional labor for granted.
00:44:05
Speaker
But maybe I would also take something for granted if it is always given to me. And maybe the solution is to I liked how you say ah how you said about yourself to make myself scarce. I know that the context was negative, like sad, but if we make it a bit scarce, you know what I mean? Like if we're not always kind, if sometimes we had enough and yeah we're just retreating, that's okay.
00:44:30
Speaker
That's fine. It doesn't mean that you're a bitch. It means that you're taking space for yourself. It means that you're protecting your peace. And you know what? When you'll come back to talking to him, he'll appreciate you more. We should not be afraid to be a little bitchy.
00:44:42
Speaker
And I think for that, it's important exactly this this philosophy of not seeing men as all bad or all good. We're all humans. We're all selfish beings.
00:44:54
Speaker
And it's okay to see that. Like it's okay to date somebody, I think it's okay to date someone, even if he's not perfect all the time, and then give him negative repercussions.
00:45:04
Speaker
Like as soon as something doesn't, you don't like something, give him another negative repercussion and see how he reacts. You know, it doesn't mean you need to burn him at the stake. It doesn't mean that you need to subjugate yourself to like improper behavior.
00:45:18
Speaker
Or am I making sense here? You're absolutely making sense. I mean, there have to be consequences to bad behavior. That's, that is how humans are trainable. And I know that sounds sort of simplistic, but at its core, we are all human animals. You know what I mean? Like we have to learn from the good and the bad. Like I actually just had a piano recital for my students the other week and some of them just didn't.
00:45:43
Speaker
It was so, thank you. It was really, really delightful. Everybody just had such a great time, except for the students who had a really hard time. Some of them made some really, you know, they had really bad mistakes. They couldn't get it together. i felt for them, it's hard. It's can be very hard to perform front of They couldn't in zone.
00:46:00
Speaker
but Yeah. And also piano is just a very difficult instrument. Let's be real. um But what I loved was this is a student who in particular that I've really had to cajole over the years. And here she came into our lesson yesterday and she's like, I really want to learn some more classical pieces. I want to do harder pieces. And it was like, oh, this is because you had such a failure. You really felt that acutely. And now it has shifted your perspective on on your own participation in this project. That's so interesting. how How did her failing motivate her to learn ah more difficult pieces, in your opinion?
00:46:33
Speaker
I think because she i think she felt like she had failed herself. She had let herself down. yeah and the pain of that was such that she was like, I know I can do better. i have to do better. and I know if I tell my teacher I want to, she will help me do it.
00:46:49
Speaker
And that's exactly right. That's exactly right. I can only do as much as you want to do yourself. I can't, I can't take you away. I was so proud of her. I'm like, oh my gosh, she's growing up, you know?
00:47:00
Speaker
um i was just so proud of her. And I think that's, that's every human across the board, man, woman, child, it's all of us, you know? And we're, we're often so scared of failures. We're so scared of making mistakes. And one of the things in the lead up to the recital I was going through with students, I'm like, you're probably going to make a mistake.
00:47:16
Speaker
We all do. Whenever we play in public, we tend to get nervous. Our hands shake. We start out too fast. Then we can't make it through this difficult passage. The point is, no matter how you start,
00:47:28
Speaker
Start as you need to go on, get through to the end. If you make a mistake, you have to keep going. You can't start over and go back to the beginning. You have to find a way to keep going. So practice making mistakes this week and practice how you keep playing on even after you make that mistake, right? Prepare yourself. I like that. I like that a lot.
00:47:48
Speaker
Practice making mistakes. Practice making mistakes. I think this is something that we've really neglected to understand in the modern era. Like one of the stats that really impressed me was I was a huge fan of Michael Jordan and the Bulls, the Chicago Bulls back when I was a kid.
00:48:04
Speaker
And I read everything I could on of Michael Jordan. And I think I read somewhere, and this is just a paraphrasing because these aren't the exact numbers, but he actually was having an interview and somebody asked him, how many shots have you made in your lifetime? And he's like, what you should be asking me is how many shots I've missed. Because he ended he went on to say, I've made something like 30,000 shots and I've missed 80,000, but I still kept shooting.
00:48:31
Speaker
And I thought that was like, wow, he's he's he's missed more more than double what he's made, but he's still the highest scorer because he still kept trying. He still kept shooting his shot. And I think we forget, like, if you make a mistake once or twice, that's okay, keep going. that is That's not a sign for you to stop and never try again.
00:48:49
Speaker
and it's the same with human relationships. Like, you're probably going to make way more mistakes than you ever get it right. But isn't it worth it to keep trying? Yeah, it's so worth it. It's so worth it.
00:49:01
Speaker
I was just thinking back yesterday or something about a relationship that I that I had two years ago ago or something like that, that it wasn't right. We weren't compatible, but it was really worth it like because it was love.
00:49:15
Speaker
And, yeah you know, life is fleeting. I, yeah, I'm going to get soppy right now. Please. Sappy? Sappy? Sappy. No, it's okay. I think I made my point. But anyways, like, yeah, i think love is worth it. Love is worth it. it's daring Caring is worth it. And there was something else that you said that I connected to. Making mistakes or trying again or not just trying and stopping when it doesn't go your way from the start.
00:49:45
Speaker
um I just think we have to give ourselves a little more grace and we have to give one another a little more grace. And remember, it behooves the ruling class for us to be at each other's throats instead of united. Okay.
00:49:59
Speaker
That's ultimately where I always come back to. I'm like, they want us fighting one another instead of truly fighting the powers that be. Yeah. It's very, very true. And it's very very sad.
00:50:10
Speaker
We could be, we could all be doing so well. We've never lived in a time of war. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remembered. And this is a very dating related because what you said about like, if you make a mistake, you want to drop the whole thing.
00:50:23
Speaker
Um, there's a phenomenon that I want to like, um, illustrate here that that is also related to emotional regulation that is um very very commonly especially in like um kind of like dating app culture but also in like fast dating culture when we start dating somebody and like we quote unquote get the ick or something doesn't feel right or whatever we immediately give up or like, ah, this, yeah. And I want to encourage us to not do that.
00:50:59
Speaker
And even if something is like bit challenging, I'm not talking about like people who are acting disrespectfully and like crossing lines. Not that. But if there's something that's like a bit, I think it's worth it to, I'm just going to say like it is. I think it is worth it to try a bit more with like to keep yourself in there and not to give up.
00:51:22
Speaker
just for the sake of, quote unquote, protecting your mental health. Because, of course, it it's so what I'm saying is kind of like nuanced, right? I'm not saying, yeah, keep suffering. Suffering is good for you. That's not what I mean. I mean that sometimes if you're a little bit challenged, it's not a bad thing.
00:51:41
Speaker
And even if this person is that you're dating that is challenging you a little bit is not really the person for you and you're not a good match and you're not going to continue on dating for the long term, I think, and this is the important part, part that going through a bit of challenges and developing these relationship skills is important yeah in and of itself.
00:52:04
Speaker
And sometimes people like my dear family member, As soon as something doesn't like strike him the right way for one tiny second, he's out. And as a result, he's not very young and never had a proper relationship. And as a result, he doesn't have relationship skills. And I know that that's a very extreme example, but even if we take it donnna um down a notch yeah and like...
00:52:31
Speaker
If we're not dating people because... I mean, I'm also not dating people almost at all because i have very high standards. But I will give people a chance a little bit in like, you know, a very reserved manner. But I will try things out because I think it is good to like...
00:52:48
Speaker
Kind of like keep he yourself in the game, but that's... I don't mean to say keep yourself in the game. I mean like keep some of yourself adaptable to dealing with human relationship challenges. Yes. Just a little bit. i tap just What I hear you saying is what I always tell my students. You have to practice. There's a it's a practical application of things. If you let that muscle of like compromise and learning how to let some things run off your back, like, you know, again, we're not talking about abuse, but we're all human. We can all get snappy at times. We get hangry.
00:53:22
Speaker
You know, we all have hormonal fluctuations. Men as well as women have hormonal fluctuations. And like we're not always at our best. Right. But that doesn't mean you just write off the person wholesale at the first sign of difficulty, at the first sign of friction, practicing how to get through those signs of friction and practicing how to you know deal with people when you're not at your best and they're not at their best. These are the eventually the skills that laid up the foundation for a truly healthy relationship down the road. But you know but don't start it like Nero and think you're going to become this perfect relationship person if you've never ever practiced being in a relationship with anybody. Like, that's not how it happens for anything, any with any degree of success. Like, whether it's piano, whether it's cooking, whether it's relationships, all of these require practice as an ongoing practice.
00:54:07
Speaker
Very true. And also, when you, like, I can say from my last d dating experience that as everybody knows, because I shared so much about it on the pod, like, it was... Honestly, nothing to write home about. But still, I learned something. I learned something about human relationships.
00:54:23
Speaker
I had a very good experience of how men will take my emotional labor for granted if I don't make it scarce. So I learned something. Well done, Patricia.
00:54:36
Speaker
and i think Thanks. And I think for me, the most important part is like what I'm learning is to put less stock into it. Like really with time. i think since I started my FDS journey, if there is some like common feature, common thread with my dating journey or like my self-esteem journey or my how I pose myself in front of men.
00:55:00
Speaker
It's every time i have these like learning ah times, what I learn is to put less stock into it. Less stock into it.
00:55:11
Speaker
Invest less. Put less energy, less effort. Give the person less credit. Not in a bad way. It's just like let let him prove himself.
00:55:23
Speaker
Or like, take it slow, even slower, even slower, even slower. That's what I'm learning all the time. Yeah, often like, you know, when we're really hungry, we want to cook things fast because we want to eat fast.
00:55:36
Speaker
We end up burning things. Often the best way for right for the best foods to come out with the with the seasoning just right, et cetera, et cetera, you have to you have to simmer on low for quite a while to get there. And I think i think there's a lesson all in that. you know Yeah, that is true. However, like for me personally, I don't know if anybody else relates with that, but that's just my personality structure.
00:55:59
Speaker
I've always been very sensitive, very emotional. Like I had my first crush when I was in the third grade and I was, or or second, I was deeply in love with this boy for three years.
00:56:18
Speaker
This was like my onset. And since then, i think I've diminished it a little. But my, I don't know, my strength and also like my tragedy in life is that I have a very big heart.
00:56:36
Speaker
And sometimes I, like with the years, I'm learning to to open it slower and slower and slower. And still I'm learning that I still fall in love too fast.
00:56:50
Speaker
Still, even though I've told i've taken it down yeah yeah thousand steps. I feel that in my bones, Patricia. i really, i feel so seen in this moment. I'm the same. And you know what? I wouldn't change myself. I think the world needs more people like us. And part of our journey is learning how to love ourselves more than we love others. And so this is just an ongoing journey love that we're on all together. And I think that's a beautiful thing.
00:57:17
Speaker
it makes me happy. Yeah, it's exactly that. It's not about like, i don't know, dimming my heart. It's about just like respecting myself and and seeing other persons as humans and not as like my savior or like my yeah everything.
00:57:33
Speaker
because things take time and also it's just way too much pressure to put on any other human being who could possibly sustain it especially someone who isn't as emotionally literate as we are right like get yeah give them the space to develop you know the constitution to be able to bear our love it's a lot and especially if you come from an unhealthy background like it can feel very unsettling it can feel very off-putting and I think it it does everybody good for us to take our time.
00:58:03
Speaker
um But again, don't give up hope and don't give up on the human race because ultimately we make each other better. I really do believe that. Yeah, absolutely. And I think now it's like, first of all, I don't notice that I do it. I only notice after I've done it.
00:58:20
Speaker
And now what I'm trying to say, it's not that I like, I don't know. I don't feel like I became cold. feel like exactly like you said, I really like that, that I've deepened my love to myself.
00:58:31
Speaker
Not that I've diminished my love for others. And well done, Patricia. Like that's, I'm on the same journey. I think... I don't think we could say it any better than that. And I love that this was our conversation today because I think I've been seeing more and more pop up about like emotional regulation or emotional dysregulation. And I think this could be like, this could be a huge evolutionary turn for us as a human race. Like, can we start to get a handle on our emotions? This could really mean the difference between like flourishing in the future or otherwise. And I'm here for it and i am a part of it and I'm actively doing what I can to be ah a positive contributor to it.
00:59:07
Speaker
I love that. i love that. Thank you. oh my gosh. Are we, we're already at an hour. I think we got to wrap this bad boy up, Patricia. Yeah. We're going to wrap it up. um Thank you so much ah for tuning in.
00:59:20
Speaker
Thank you for being part of the conversation. Again, we're sorry for missing a week, Queens. we're We'll be back with you shortly. And for all you scrubs out there, regularly regularly regulate like yourself. yourself.
00:59:34
Speaker
Boom. See you next week, queens.