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Overriding your Body's 'No' with your Mind's 'Yes'
851 Plays1 day ago
Ladies, never date a philosopher - unless you want a masterclass in whataboutism, sealioning, gas lighting, and debates about your needs and boundaries!
Want your dating lessons to be featured on the show? Submit your Roast-a-Scrote to: contact@thefemaledatingstrategy.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Special Guest Sophia
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet. I'm your host, Patricia, and today I'm joined by a very special guest. Sophia.
00:00:11
Speaker
if this Yes, Sophia is protected by her pseudonym, protected with anonymity, because today we are starting the barbecue season.
Sophia's Attraction to a Philosopher
00:00:23
Speaker
We are firing up those grills, and we're going to have our first roast of scrooge of the season.
00:00:28
Speaker
a long time tradition. And today we're roasting a philosopher. So right off the bat, ah never date a philosopher. that's That's one thing. Absolutely right.
00:00:39
Speaker
excuse Would you like to bring us into the horror story or to what happened to you?
00:00:46
Speaker
How do I summarize that? well You don't have to summarize, we have time. met a guy, right? We met at the at a burn decompression party. and um He was really impressive in the beginning. Like, like I was like very, very emotionally aware, like very talkative, like lots of long messages and expressing like, his intentions and intention intentionality in general is a good thing, right? So i was like, wow, this is really, this is really hot.
00:01:17
Speaker
um But eventually it just like took over. And like, if you have to read like books of messages every day, like five page essays on every single question that you ask and like,
00:01:28
Speaker
Yeah, having someone who just totally overrides your boundaries and you have to negotiate your boundaries um because everything needs to be negotiated with someone who's that intellectual and this much in his mind, um that became quite exhausting relatively to quickly.
00:01:44
Speaker
Yes. And we were just talking before the recording um that basically a value that a man is adding to your life is only subjective to you. Is your life better because of his presence in them or not?
00:01:58
Speaker
And it seems like with Jay, he was supposedly adding a lot of value, but in reality, he was taking a lot.
Internal Conflict and Boundaries
00:02:07
Speaker
Yeah, that's actually an interesting point because in the end, like I was also telling myself I should be wanting this, right? Because there was suddenly someone who admired me and did all the things for me and would like travel around the world for me and and propose all these plans and want to go on a, you know, go to all those burns together and like buy an RV and go on a road trip together and like posing all the things and like really leading this masculine kind of leading that you would think you would want, right? And all that. But eventually like, A, if it comes from the wrong person, it's not adding value. And also there is too much of a good thing, right? And if someone's just all over you, like constantly all over you and, or behind you like a dog, don't how you want to call it. It's just, ah even though on paper it is technically adding value, right? But like if it's A for the wrong person or if it's just too much,
00:03:04
Speaker
um then it also like it also drains. And I was just so, so drained in the end that I that i didn't recognize myself anymore. i was like I was so disconnected from myself and I couldn't even, like yeah, I was just <unk> really not, yeah, very disconnected.
00:03:21
Speaker
It sounds to me like he was trying to wear you down with rationality. Like you weren't really feeling it, but you were trying to make it work because it kept convincing you and you kept trying to be accommodating.
00:03:34
Speaker
Exactly. So, um, what- tell us a little bit about what happened. Because like he kind of bombed your own vacation in Thailand.
00:03:46
Speaker
yeah Take us there. Lead us through. Yeah, totally. I mean, he was like, really like like what you're saying, right? With the rationality. If I would voice the boundary and I would say like, this doesn't feel right for me, he would kind of like negotiate with me. And eventually I would be like, okay, like I don't need to have a five page or write a five page essay.
00:04:05
Speaker
for my no to be valid, like no is a full sentence, right? And I don't have to have all the explanations for it. um and And that's exactly that thing that with so much questioning and rationality, eventually I would question myself, like if what it was that I wanted and maybe he was right and maybe actually my boundary wasn't that that much of a
Emotional Toll and Prioritizing Well-being
00:04:25
Speaker
boundary, right? um I'm really sorry. That sounds bad.
00:04:30
Speaker
Yeah, it is. i mean, it's kind of funny also, if you're not that invested, but it was also really, really, really draining. um But you wanted me to walk you through the Thailand story, right? Well, we want to hear about how we got to Thailand. So you met this guy at a party night in the whole city. We met in Amsterdam and then he wanted to meet me there again. i didn't have time because I was going to Cyprus and to London, like first to Cyprus for fun and then to London for work. So I told him we can meet in London if you want, because I knew he he was going to be there.
00:05:00
Speaker
And then we had one date there in London in the evening. But I was already like, I i realized that like, we're like, this doesn't have like long-term potential for me, but we had a nice vibe and um whatever. So he texted me the next day that like, he had a really great time and he, um yeah, i really enjoyed my company. And he thinks that we have a lot of values in common and um yeah, something along those lines that he could like really imagine going further with me and like if like and that he would want to be very intentional about meeting me again. And if I think the same, how that meeting could look like.
00:05:46
Speaker
And I was kind of, even though i wasn't into him, I was kind of really floored by that. As I said, I was in the beginning, I really liked his intentionality because normally in our world, it's always like non-committal and like just go with the flow and to have someone who says like, Hey, i want to be really intentional about meeting you again.
00:06:03
Speaker
i was like, wow, this is like the hottest thing i have ever heard from a man potentially. um So even though I knew i wasn't like totally into him in terms of relationship, I told him that I was like, listen, I didn't feel that like romantic spark, but like, I do think we had a great time. And um yeah, maybe we can just like, you know, keep it playful. We both are winners.
00:06:27
Speaker
um And, you know, we can see where that leads. And he initially accepted that. And then he invited me over to ah to Miami two for Miami Art Week.
00:06:41
Speaker
So was like, cool. I've actually, I've never been to the US. Like I've only ever been on stopovers. um But the US never really sparked my interest so much. So I always used to travel to more exotic places. So it's like, sure, why not? Let's go to Miami Art Week.
Struggles and Emotional Stress
00:06:57
Speaker
So we met there and we spent a week there. And that was...
00:07:02
Speaker
I already had some moments where I was like, okay, I like need to like go for around for myself now and breathe because like it was all a bit like too much. um But that was like still okay, let's say. And then while we were there, we talked about, or I told him that I was going to go to Thailand over Christmas and New Year's.
00:07:23
Speaker
and um And he said something along the lines, oh, he has like some business to do in Vietnam and India, so he could maybe stop by. um And I was didn't really think about it that much. But like when I left Miami, and I hadn't even left, I was still at the airport in Miami, not even like at the gate. He was already like, hey, can we start planning planning Thailand? I was like, can you please let me breathe for two days before we start. like I'm still in Miami. Can we breathe for a little bit before plan Thailand?
00:07:56
Speaker
He was definitely coming on strong. Yeah, absolutely. and so yeah well Eventually, i mean I had my travel plans to Thailand anyway. So for me, there was not much to plan, to be honest. um and then he As i said, he had like he pretended that he had business to do in in India and Vietnam, which later turned out that that wasn't actually the case. It was just a like we didn't say We didn't say that... What does he do for a living, Sophia?
00:08:25
Speaker
Ah, yeah, that's um that's like that's a good... That's an important side note. So he does have like... a few businesses, like but more like passive income. So he doesn't really actively work maybe an hour two a day, but most of the time not. So what he does for a living is mostly going to Burns and going snowboarding all over the world and chasing snow. Brunswick festivals. But what does he do? He's a philosophy professor.
00:08:54
Speaker
Exactly. And he is a philosophy pro professor. not Not a professor. He studied um philosophy at Stanford and he taught it at Harvard, but not as a professor.
00:09:04
Speaker
um But that gives a little bit background of like, A, someone with a lot of money and time at his hands. And also someone who just like intellectualizes absolutely everything and questions everything and like thinks, I mean, someone with a very smart mind on the on the positive side, right? But also someone who is very much in his head on the negative side. And um yeah, the story goes on.
00:09:33
Speaker
to the fact that he then said, okay, let's like meet in Thailand for a couple of days before I go to like whatever business I have to do over there. Whatever business I made up that I have in the continent.
00:09:44
Speaker
And I said in the beginning, it was like, sure, we can meet, but I think it would be better if we had two separate places because I already knew I wasn't going to, like, he's not the love of my life and that he can be a bit intense. And yeah, I just like told him, like, I just like to have my own space and I'll also be working and obviously you
Emotional Manipulation and Guilt
00:10:03
Speaker
won't. So maybe it will be good to have our own space. um And he kind of negotiated me out of that with the fact that like someone like him, first of all, he's a native speaker, I'm not. And then he has all these flowery words for his things and always great arguments, right? Like all his arguments are valid, but that doesn't necessarily mean that therefore I have to feel that exact same way, right? So take us in, how did you got how did you get negotiated out of your boundary of let's have separate spaces to getting a space? Like basically he bombed your accommodation eventually.
00:10:38
Speaker
Yeah, honestly, I can't remember how exactly that went, but I think in the end it was like, oh, it's just going to be a few days, whatever. Like it's going to be fine, right? um So in the end, we ended up in Kupangan.
00:10:54
Speaker
And turns out he just never left. So it was supposed to be a few days because he had business to do afterwards, but it turns out he actually didn't have any business to do and he just like- What?
00:11:07
Speaker
Shocking, can't believe it. As an excuse to come over basically. um And then after a week, I i felt like I just like felt so so overwhelmed with someone who just Yeah, it would just like really wouldn't leave me alone for a second, right? Because I was working also. And then like every very not working second, he was around and would, even if he, even if I would go to ecstatic dance and he couldn't even dance because he had a broken leg and and he would still go there just to hang out. And I was just like, can I just have like a moment for myself? Like, and I told him that also, right? It's not that I wasn't transparent about it. I told him after three or four days,
00:11:50
Speaker
I told him, like, I feel I'm suffocating. um Wow. And if somebody tells you that in your face, like, normally you would think you would, like, first of all, maybe be offended in a way or, like, take it to heart or, like, question why.
00:12:05
Speaker
um But interestingly, like, whenever I said those things, like, he was never... like He never took it personally, he never was offended by it, but he always kept negotiating it.
00:12:16
Speaker
it was like It was like a ah relationship for him, like regardless of this love relationship or friends with benefits or whatever. is is like It's like a business project. Yeah, you don't get personally offended. You just like negotiate the best outcome for yourself in a way.
00:12:33
Speaker
I would argue something a little bit different goes back to that episode of it's actually men who can't regulate their emotions that he wanted to spend time with you and then he found ways through his cerebral fun function yeah to get what he wanted. yeah the The thing that he wanted was emotional. like Or I guess primal, like he wants you, he wants your company, he wants to have sex with you, he wants to spend time with you.
00:13:04
Speaker
He's in love with you, sorry to say that. But the way that he's going to get it is through using words. It doesn't mean that he's not motivated by his emotions.
00:13:16
Speaker
He just expresses it in in a bit more ah sophisticated way. That's my theory, at least. yeah that's true. I mean, that's, he's definitely using what he can do best. Right. And that's like using his mind and like using, using his words because that's where he's best at. And he also knows that. um But what I'm just so surprised about, and I don't really have an answer to that, how somebody, and I mean, this,
00:13:39
Speaker
Like when I said I felt suffocated, that was only the first of many, many very direct things that I said to him, right? um And and he just like he just always stayed like the most calm. I don't know. like it's It's unbelievable how somebody can be so unaffected by someone that, like if if somebody that you like right or that you're romantically interested in like tells you those things and you're just like,
00:14:07
Speaker
whatever. i like It's in literally treating a relationship like ah like a business project or, yeah. so many We here at FDS believe that men, sorry for cutting you off, but we here at FDS believe that men don't understand words. They understand actions. And while you're talking to him, your face is looking at his face and your mouth is moving.
00:14:29
Speaker
So it doesn't really matter if you're saying that you're sick of him because you're still speaking with him. Yeah, that's... that I actually took that advice very much to heart because you told me that before. And I thought about that when I like tried also later on, on WhatsApp to like,
00:14:46
Speaker
make him understand that I don't want this amount of contact and this amount of communication of like texting for hours every day because I literally just don't have space for this in my life.
00:14:57
Speaker
and for some and Exactly. I thought about your words where you said, well, as long as you still answer him, that's not going to land. Like I just have to fucking cut him off. And I'm not a person to cut people off, right? I didn't even... cut my asshole X off.
00:15:12
Speaker
like I didn't even block it. I cut him off, but I didn't block him, right? Because I know he would respect that boundary. But Jay really doesn't like respect those boundaries. like He would just negotiate them until I forget what my boundaries were in the first place.
00:15:28
Speaker
Yeah. And the story continues um a little bit to a very intense crescendo, a very tragic and um Kind of an experience that shed light on everything for you, right? A physical experience.
00:15:44
Speaker
Yeah, indeed.
Reflection on Self-Disconnection
00:15:45
Speaker
So after a couple of days, I told him, right, like I do feel suffocated. I need some space for myself. Then after a week, i I told him that I want him to move out and even like to get his own place because I mean, it's not like he doesn't have the money to get his own place.
00:16:02
Speaker
um And then he also like kind of negotiated that backwards. He was like, oh, but we're going to go to this play party in two days. So let's talk after that. And then after that, it was like, oh, but let's talk like I'm going to leave in a few days anyways. And then I was like, of course. You leave a lot. Sure. i was like, you're already done. day I don't care if it's one more day. Right. But like eventually this one more day added up to like another week or eight or nine days.
00:16:30
Speaker
Oh my God. and then And then ah he ended up like getting a place for one night for himself. yeah and And the thing was like, because I was working European hours in in Thailand, I was working till midnight or something. Right. So I was working till midnight and then literally like directly falling asleep and then waking up at like, i don't know, six or seven, I think six,
00:16:53
Speaker
6.30 or whatever. And 20 minutes later, he's in front of my door again. And then he pretends, yeah, but I gave you space. And I'm like, you literally gave me 20 minutes. Because other than that, I was working or sleeping. So he opened your door without you even texting him or without talking or anything? I had this like jungle cabana with a glass front. So I obviously saw him standing in front of the door, right? Oh my God. Yeah.
00:17:18
Speaker
It was like he and he would literally pretend like, oh, but I gave you space tonight. And I'm like, you literally gave me 20 minutes, the 20 minutes I had from waking up until you stood in front of my door again. And and I was like still in bed, literally.
00:17:34
Speaker
Oh my God. That's oppressive. That's a lot. I mean, it would be really nice if somebody that you want to spend time with. Exactly. That's the problem, That's the problem, right? And you also ask, like I even ask myself, like, am I being avoidant? Am I just like, because there is finally someone who does all those things that we technically want from men, like maybe it's just me, but then I think that was also you who said, no, you just don't like him. Like, it's a fact. I said that multiple times.
00:18:09
Speaker
Yeah. So the story goes on. And it's okay. It's okay to not like somebody, yeah even if he's really into you and he has money and he's willing to invest in you in many facets. It's okay to still not want him.
00:18:22
Speaker
Exactly. You can't reason yourself out of what you are feeling. the tra I really tried to override my body no with a mind yes, because I was like, he's all the things that my ex wasn't like, he's leading. He's like really in his like masculine and like and and providing and all those things, right? And like open to all the things that I wanted with my ex.
00:18:44
Speaker
and and And so I was like, I've been, like, I've literally asked been asking the universe for this. So why do I not want it now, right? But if it comes from the wrong person, it's still the wrong thing, right?
00:18:56
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. But so the story continues. Eventually after like 16 days in total, he left. and then and For our dear listeners, this was Sophia's holiday.
00:19:11
Speaker
yeah She took her like precious holidays for that vacation in Thailand. Yeah, I mean, I was working also from there, right? um that's that That is also part. But um but I mean, indeed, it is like still my time that I have, like that I wanted to have there to relax and not to have a a huge ah drama in my in my head and in my apartment also.
00:19:35
Speaker
Anyways, so he left and I still had one more week in Kupangan. And I was like, okay, finally, I can do whatever I want to do. And I went to an ecstatic dance and there I only realized I literally like it was such an emotional release that I had there. I was shaking and screaming and shouting and like shaking all this tension off my body. And only there I realized how disconnected I was from myself for those last two weeks. And that's also why I had these troubles of like understanding my own boundaries because I was like so disconnected.
00:20:09
Speaker
that I couldn't tell anymore what I wanted. right And that's why it was easy to negotiate me into or out of things. It sounds like a very confusing headspace to be in, especially if you don't have like chunks of time on your own. Yeah, exactly. Because you don't have the time to like really reflect and ask yourself, and like like feel into what it is that you want because you're constantly just surrounded by that person.
00:20:33
Speaker
um So that was that experience at at the Ecstatic Dance, which was already quite an eye opener of like, wow, this is like how I betrayed myself in the last two weeks um by not listening to my body.
00:20:47
Speaker
um And then the other thing was that even though I still had a week, I was so depleted and so drained that I i i couldn't do anything. I was just like literally just existing and working and and that was about it.
00:21:02
Speaker
and and
Challenges in Setting Boundaries
00:21:04
Speaker
It ended up with me, like on the way back, I went to to Bangkok um and I just like ended up having, I mean, I was also on my period and like just drained in general, but I also got these rashes all over my body, like really intense, hurting rashes from the mental stress that I had. Because that, like for me, it always shows in my skin, first of all, if I have if I'm stressed, like with outbreaks and stuff, but I've never had anything like that. um and That's pretty insane. I mean, obviously I don't have a proof, right? But i can't I don't have another explanation other than that it came from this mental stress that I had. Surely.
00:21:45
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I think so 100%. The body and mind are really connected. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, and then I tried to cut him off. He also had your your favorite pair of heels, importantly, holding them ransom from Miami. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's another story.
00:22:04
Speaker
and We can come to that later maybe. um But yeah, I tried to cut him off and and his reaction to that was also like from a from a mind perspective, quite smart of him, like from his perspective, obviously not from how you should be doing things. He told me that um Basically me me trying to cut him off now is me behaving the same way or is me abandoning him in the same way that my ex abandoned me.
00:22:35
Speaker
And that obviously hit very hard because yeah i mean, like just the breakup story with my ex was like super, super painful. And And I'm like, I don't want to be associated with being that way. Right? Like i'm I'm not that kind of person.
00:22:50
Speaker
And obviously that hits very hard and it hit exactly at this at this soft spot where he wanted to hit. So then I was like, oh, I don't want to be that person. Right? So I ended up not cutting him off and I was like, okay, like let's maybe we can just be friends, whatever.
00:23:07
Speaker
That is so sly and so low. Yeah. And I also noticed that yeah sometimes when men don't have an argument, they would just try to make you feel bad, try to make you feel like a bad person.
00:23:20
Speaker
And that's that's hard. And then you get on the back foot trying to like show that you're not. Yeah. Yeah, I also said, like of course, like if you break up with someone, regardless if that's a friendship or whatever it is, right like it it will always hurt someone, right? But like there is there is no good way in breaking up with someone. there is no But at the same time, I just like need to like protect myself and my mental health because obviously this is very much affecting me. like I'm drained, I have rashes all over my body, and I'm like totally exhausted after six weeks in paradise where I thought I would return home.
00:23:56
Speaker
rejuvenated and not exhausted, right? Yeah. And you were drained. Yeah. um so all so all signs were telling you no. you could You got to a point where you could not rationalize yourself out of it.
00:24:11
Speaker
Exactly. Because you had such intense physical proof. Exactly. That's what the body does, right? Like if you're not listening, it's going to fucking show you. It's so good at making you listen. Yeah, it is.
00:24:24
Speaker
It is. But yeah, the good girl, the endless good girl in me um and the fucking people pleaser in me just couldn't like get over like cutting him off completely or blocking him.
00:24:38
Speaker
um And of course, they were also like, it wasn't all bad, right? There were also nice moments that we shared. um And of course, I also saw all this value that he was trying to add where I was like, I mean, I could technically have value from it.
00:24:52
Speaker
um So I was like, okay, maybe we can be friends. And I also, on top of that, he still had a lot of things from me um that I left with him in Miami that he took back to LA.
00:25:04
Speaker
um And I'm very emotionally attached to my clothes and my shoes. So I thought to myself in my mind, I have to like play safe at least until I have my things back because if- He's holding the ransom.
00:25:20
Speaker
If I really cut him off now, i'm I'm running the risk of not getting my things back. So I was like, okay, I'm going to play it safe until until I have that.
00:25:31
Speaker
um So yeah, he got me my stuff and we met in in Austria. We really met all over the world. It's kind of funny. um oh met's in us You met again? Yeah, we met didn't stand to yourself, but you met him? Yeah, I met him. How was that?
00:25:47
Speaker
um That was actually quite interesting. So we met in Austria to go skiing. I was close by anyways, and he was going to go there because he's always skiing everywhere. So it was like, okay, if we go skiing for a weekend, like I'm not going to be talking to him all day because we're obviously skiing. So it's not going to be like this whole... I'm shocked that you spent time with him after all of that. All over me.
00:26:10
Speaker
Well, on top of that, I must also say, lived in my place in Copenhagen for 16 days. And I was like, I think for that, you can also ah sponsor a weekend skiing. That was this a lot of... Starting to sound better. that was that was That was a bit of a strategy behind that.
00:26:30
Speaker
i was such If I've already endured all this suffering, i can also get a little bit out of it. um So I was like, okay, sure. If you sponsor a weekend skiing and I'm close by anyways, um I can do that.
00:26:46
Speaker
And yeah, we did that. And because exactly because we didn't like, we were not all over each other the whole day because we were skiing. um it was actually quite pleasant.
00:26:58
Speaker
um And on top of that, I was going to London for work afterwards and he has family in London. So he wanted to come with me. And I also told him there before already, I said, listen, I don't think that's a great idea because I'm going to be working all day. Like I'm at a conference, I'm super busy. And after work, I just want to have my peace and have my own space.
00:27:22
Speaker
um And yeah, and like not not be bothered basically. um But of course, because he never does, he didn't listen to that and he came to London regardless. And then i there I just completely lost it, honestly.
00:27:38
Speaker
Oh, yeah. How did you lose it? What did you do? I mean, i it's is not in a nice way, right? I just became really... i tend to always be a very nice and polite person.
00:27:50
Speaker
um But I just couldn't be nice anymore. And i he would just be all all over me like... Can I make you a chai? Can I make you breakfast? Can I do this? Can I move my plants with my friends so I can see you? And I just told him, just stop being such a fucking people pleaser. Just do your own thing and leave me alone. And then if we have time, we can hang out. If not, that's also fine.
00:28:14
Speaker
but um i think that's very kind, actually. Because left a little opening for maybe hanging out. That's like extremely kind. Yeah. But he also like brought me a lot of gifts.
00:28:28
Speaker
And I would just like like, even that annoyed me because I'm like, I never asked you for that stuff. And now you expect a reaction from me or what?
Insights on Personal Growth and Intuition
00:28:37
Speaker
um Yeah, so it was overall, I was definitely not in my prime there.
00:28:43
Speaker
But um yeah, i just like I just lost it there and I just told him afterwards, like he said, I can't, like I don't want any of this anymore. um so yeah, that's where we're at now. Finally, okay, that took a little bit of time. That took a little bit of time.
00:29:02
Speaker
And then you stopped responding? um I did not stop responding, of course.
00:29:09
Speaker
I told him, i asked him like to leave me alone for 30 days that I just can't breathe for a little bit because I just been like too overwhelmed and too overstimulated. um And of course, he also didn't respect that. He respected it for a couple of days and um then came with because he came with his loopholes that he had um to for reasons why he wouldn't respect my boundaries, of course.
00:29:34
Speaker
And yeah, so that's ah that's like still going back and forth and because unfortunately, we also spending time in the same camp or same village at Africa Burn where we're going in next month.
00:29:49
Speaker
So I will have to see him eventually anyways. And it's not like it's not that I don't want to see him at all. It's not like i totally want him out of my life. I just want him at a in a managed way, right? I don't want to be texting for five hours a day. i don't want to yeah I don't want to owe him something for all his favors.
00:30:11
Speaker
um I just want him in my life as like a an acquaintance, right? And I also told him that I don't have the capacity, nor do I have the desire for such a close friendship as you want it.
00:30:23
Speaker
um And if you want ah like a normal friendship, if you can accept that, if like a friendship where we, okay, if you're in Amsterdam, we go for dinner. And if we're at a burn, we burn friends.
00:30:34
Speaker
if If you can accept that kind of friendship, that's what I can imagine. Anything above that, like it it's too much for me. and just I just can't deal with this amount of um attention from someone that is not, yeah, just not my vibe, right?
00:30:51
Speaker
like let me Let me ask you an instigating question. Do you think that is an option? Do you think that is a ah realistic thing that can happen? um He never really answered that specifically because he always came with his plans of like what he can imagine, of course.
00:31:13
Speaker
And he basically, what he wants is like, he's trying to understand why I don't want that and to basically find a solution for how he can improve my desire to want that.
00:31:26
Speaker
um or like I find it like a I'm kind of sorry, this is going to be a little bit judgment judgmental, but I'm a little bit surprised on the negative side that you don't it don't seem to get it, Sofia. The whole thing about him is that he doesn't respect your boundaries and that he always is trying to get a little bit more of you, a lot more than you are willing to give. Yeah.
00:31:57
Speaker
And I cannot see a situation where you're at the same festival and he's not going to try to spend time with you. I think it's incredibly way too kind of you to to tell him that you can have a dinner while while you're like he's in your city or vice versa.
00:32:15
Speaker
like it's It's so, so kind of you. yeah I mean, it is a way how I could imagine it, right? And in the end, I can't ban him from the festival, right? That's that's that's not an option. and Oh, of course not. But you can did you know that you can ignore him?
00:32:29
Speaker
Did you know? Yeah, i I do. I do know that. I do know that. I also told him, like, I don't like to not for him to not have any expectation of any time spent together there. Like, I don't want to owe him my presence or my time, just because like, he obviously did a favor again, he got us into the camp, like me and my friend that we that we're joining. So but i I told him like, I don't, I'm not owing you anything in return for that. Like,
00:32:57
Speaker
I could have also found my own camps. Like I was perfectly capable of doing that. And that doesn't mean that hence we are going to spend time together. Yeah, and just him being able to help you is already making him feel better.
00:33:15
Speaker
He got his reward. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. That's the thing. Like he derives his self-worth simply from like being needed by others. And I asked him many, many times and he actually never gave me an answer.
00:33:27
Speaker
Who are you when you're not being useful or when you're not needed by someone else? Because that's the only way how he kind of like negotiates himself into people's like, yeah, into people's lives or circles by just like adding value and providing and helping and doing everything for people, which sounds like a great, great trait on the on the surface, right? But it's always transactional. Yeah, exactly. If it's transactional or if it's just like,
00:33:56
Speaker
Yeah, if it's if it if if you derive your whole self-worth by being needed, then that's definitely an issue. And he doesn't see that. He doesn't see that himself. I would like to say that the only issue here is that you're not that into him.
00:34:12
Speaker
Because that's that's how I see it like in a very simplistic way. Because a man trying to be useful is very natural. And there's nothing wrong with that.
00:34:22
Speaker
Of course, if somebody builds this whole self-worth around it, it's a bit problematic. yeah and I think my first boyfriend was like that. like He was a really, really, really good person. And that was in a way like a bit of a weakness in a way.
00:34:35
Speaker
yeah However, it only becomes a problem if you don't actually desire the person.
00:34:44
Speaker
That's true. But I think even if I desire the person, it would still become too much at some point because he's like totally abandoning his all his needs, right? Like when we were in London and then he proposed to like move the the meetings with his friends that he had set up so that we could spend time. And I was like, I already told you it's too much. I don't want to spend more time with you, Jesus Christ. Like do with your friends what you want. Like you I need you in order for there to be desire, we need to be two separate people, right? And not merge into one.
00:35:17
Speaker
and like theoretically Theoretically speaking, like this this dynamic that is existing between you guys, that he's very much into you and you're like very not into him or not very into him, it it creates like an obsession from his side.
00:35:33
Speaker
And it never gets... fed. yeah okay He never gets like a moment of feeling wanted. So he's always hungry. Okay, I have i have one very spicy um a very spicy ah story here for you.
00:35:48
Speaker
And that's actually very interesting. And it also fucked a bit with my mind, to be honest, because I was like, what the hell happened there? But I do think I have an explanation. And the story was this, when we were in Austria,
00:36:02
Speaker
we had like He had this one moment where he kind of like where he where he switched from this, i don't know if you know like the the wheel of consent, right? Where you have giving and receiving and you have taking and allowing on the opposite ends.
00:36:16
Speaker
and and yeah Can you give an example maybe? of like Yeah, so if if I basically, like in in a sexual context, if I'm like, or what he's constantly doing is he's constantly giving, right? He's overgiving.
00:36:30
Speaker
um And somebody who like has a more taking energy it just like takes whatever they want, right? which Which sounds like we have a bit of a prejudice um to this in in our world, but it's not there is also an innocence to it, right? that It can also be sexy if there is consent, right?
00:36:49
Speaker
Yeah, of course. And that's why it's like it's it's a framework to to think about consent. in Like the first example that you gave somebody that's giving, it would be, can I caress you? Can I give you a hug? Can I touch your hair?
00:37:02
Speaker
And in the second example that you gave somebody that's taken, it would be like, I'm telling you, touch my hair, stroke my arm. That would be me taking. But it's not taking good or bad. It's just like I want to give you a massage, right? Because I enjoy, like, I'm not doing, i'm not giving you the massage for your enjoyment. I'm giving you the massage for my enjoyment, for my enjoyment of me touching your body.
00:37:26
Speaker
Like that cannot yeah be taken, right? Like I'm doing something for my enjoyment. And ideally, of course, it should also be good, like be enjoyable for you with consent. yeah But like, it is the main objective is like, I'm doing something for my enjoyment and not just to please you. And that is like the issue that I had with him, i think is that he's like this over giving people pleaser.
00:37:48
Speaker
that just repulsed me, right? And now comes this spicy story um that completely changed everything when we were there in Austria. We had one or two nights where he, for some reason, something in his mind switched and he got into this like dominant taking energy or like not not taking initially, but like in this really dominant um vibe.
00:38:12
Speaker
And from that second, like something in me switched like literally 180 degrees from like being constantly on a bit of distance to like totally melting into him and like totally feeling like ah safe and relaxed. Also like my body before I was always constantly on alert a little bit because I always thought I have to defend my boundaries every second.
00:38:36
Speaker
So I was constantly like, yeah, just not relaxing. Right. And then that really switched completely. And we had this super intense dynamic that was very mind blowing for both of us.
00:38:49
Speaker
And we thought in that moment that maybe we like we had found a way for us to connect that could work for both of us. Yet the problem was then ah coetss afterwards, because he has this like because he so desperately wanted to replicate that again, he became dominant in a way of people-pleasing, you know? Like, not dominant out of his own... and That's so interesting. Like, it wasn't authentic and anymore. It was coming from the outside, not from the inside. It wasn't authentic. It was like,
00:39:23
Speaker
It wasn't okay that this is me and this is what I'm taking, but it was really, yeah like I'm doing this so I can please you into wanting me, right?
Empowerment and Self-Worth Realization
00:39:34
Speaker
and that Yeah, yeah. to I noticed that you like this, so let me do this. Exactly. Exactly. It's not because I want this. I noticed that you like this and that's why I'm doing it.
00:39:44
Speaker
So the moment like this energy switched again, i just like, I couldn't get into this anymore. And yeah. Yeah, and the more like obviously you tried, it just it just got worse. and They try really hard to be dominant. And it's almost like I even said it to him. It's like you're almost being submissive while being like trying to be dominant, right? Because it's like, it's not, you're just doing it to please me.
00:40:10
Speaker
And in the in the beginning, that one moment, and it was an authentic moment where we really connected on an authentic level and where bodies connected and there was no mind games, right? There was no negotiation and all that Hmm.
00:40:24
Speaker
and yeah and then And then it just became people pleasing again, just with a different like with a different mask in the end. So interesting. Yeah. so Because that's why I think going back to what you said before, that there was never attraction, that there was never reciprocation, um which is true to most most part, but um not fully, right? Because we had those moments. Yeah, and imagine you also had some good times in between. And I know that you had interesting conversations and mind-provoking conversations. But ultimately, like in your in your stomach, in your guts, you weren't into him.
00:41:02
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. I had those moments. And we also had such a moment in Thailand, actually, at a play party once, where like his dominant side came out. And it was authentic.
00:41:13
Speaker
um But these were very rare moments and the rest of the time I was kind of like trying to, yeah, override my body note with the mind, yes, which then really backfired when I realized like how disconnected I was from myself and like also like what this really did with my mind and my body to like not listen to myself.
00:41:34
Speaker
Yeah. Can you tell me more about that? Like, um I don't know if you can put words into your internal experience and how that felt for you to have like your instinct and then maybe confusing thoughts or. Yeah, well, I think I i i touched on that before already. It was exactly like the thoughts were.
00:41:53
Speaker
I should be wanting this because that's what I had asked the universe for, right? Like exactly the opposite of of my ex um and and all those things that he was open to, to try with me and and without me having to even mention it, like he would just lead the way.
00:42:13
Speaker
um But the problem is just if it's the wrong person, that that doesn't help, right? And that's what what that's why I was trying to give it more chances and to like, yeah, let's see again, maybe like maybe we can find a way.
00:42:26
Speaker
Because I do see like the value of being with someone who cares that much, right? And who cares so much about who puts your like, who makes your orgasm his number one priority in his life. Like who doesn't want that?
00:42:40
Speaker
um And follows around the world to see you and invites you to fancy places. Exactly. So it like it on on paper, it looks like I should be wanting that. And that's why, that's why I kept trying. And, and that's why my body eventually showed me in a different way with all like with being completely exhausted and with those rashes that's,
00:43:02
Speaker
I've been trying to override it one too many times. Yeah, I hear you. That sounds like a very unpleasant thing to feel. like i think that when you said that you felt that you betrayed yourself when you went to dance after Jay left, think that's something that a lot a lot of us, a lot of FDSers can understand.
00:43:25
Speaker
can acknowledge and can resonate with because I think that's the most painful part of being at the end tale of a bad experience with a man.
00:43:36
Speaker
It's not that he let you down, it's that you let yourself down. Exactly. I let myself down and it really felt like betrayal. and that was Maybe let yourself down is like, it's a bit too judgmental. It's not that you didn't do anything wrong.
00:43:50
Speaker
You just did something that Yeah, the thing is, i'm heard you I am definitely working on my boundaries, right? And I did definitely do the right things. It's not that I didn't speak up, right? And I also didn't do anything wrong by giving it a chance, right? To be like, okay, like after Miami, I was like, sure, it's maybe maybe not the love of my life, but like, i i see there is potential for us to like, maybe grow together and maybe explore it together. So I think it's it's it's definitely um it's definitely the right thing to give it a try.
00:44:26
Speaker
but the problem that I had was in that moment where I would speak my boundaries, which is already hard for me, right? It's something that I'm still learning. And then I'm still growing in. And then if somebody just doesn't accept them and just it negotiates you out of them until you don't know any anymore what your boundaries were, but that is where I betrayed myself. Because I should have just stand firmer to like be like, no, this is like, I don't need to.
00:44:53
Speaker
give you all the explanations of why, all the whys and hows. It's enough to be a no. And I don't have to even know myself why i am a no. It's just how I feel. And regardless of all the great arguments that you have that are all valid, that doesn't change how I'm feeling about this, right?
00:45:10
Speaker
um Exactly. and this This is, I think, the most important thing. And this is what we talk about every time on the pod, that we as women have instincts. yeah And patriarchy is set up in a way that we are led to believe that somehow these instincts are not real or childish or irrational.
00:45:34
Speaker
And that's all wrong. We have instincts and that's what makes us powerful and magical. And men sometimes want to steal that. And sometimes they would argue and use like their cerebral fo faction.
00:45:49
Speaker
And a lot of the times in times like these, i cut the argument. I say like, I know that you're trying to philosophize about this, but actually it doesn't change the reality.
00:46:00
Speaker
Yeah. And some things you feel in your bones and this I feel in my bones. But indeed, that sounds like such a big challenge, especially for somebody who is learning what their boundaries are and how to set them to have somebody that always tries to do pick into them and try to like find the fallacies in them. Yeah, yeah.
00:46:21
Speaker
Exactly. Because like speaking my boundaries was not the issue. I definitely felt them. And i also, like, I definitely also communicated them. um But I just probably didn't expect someone who just like, wouldn't accept them at all.
00:46:35
Speaker
ah My therapist told me a few years ago, she asked me actually, what makes a boundary? a Would you like to answer? Would you like to venture a guess?
00:46:45
Speaker
What makes a boundary? um Well, I mean, no is a boundary, right? Or if I say I would like to have my own space, that's a boundary and that's not that's not to be negotiated.
00:47:00
Speaker
yeah I'm curious about about what you said. Well, what makes a boundary is that you cannot cross it.
00:47:10
Speaker
That's what makes a boundary. At the time, I was supposed to travel to meet somebody that I met at a festival. and he sometimes like He was, let's say, a slow texter, but actually he was a bit of an asshole. um and Then like at some point,
00:47:28
Speaker
He made me more and more uncomfortable with this like lack of communication. hey And then I was at my therapist's office talking about it. And she was like, okay, you made it clear to him that this is important for you. You were vulnerable. You talked to him about it, about how like continuous communication is really important for you to feel safe.
00:47:49
Speaker
And he didn't uphold it. And I told her, but what what am I going to do? Like, I already bought a ticket to see him. Like, I'm going to go, coincidentally, to Germany, to your homeland. I'm going to go in a week to meet him.
00:48:03
Speaker
And she was like, did you know that the fact that you have the tickets doesn't mean that you have to go? And my mind... was blown, shattered across the wall around me. And I canceled everything and I didn't go. And it was one of the most like forming moments in terms of like my relationship with men and setting boundaries.
00:48:26
Speaker
Because it was a moment where I was choosing myself. Yeah. Very good one. And you also remind me of something that my um coach or therapist said to me.
00:48:36
Speaker
um and that was also like around boundaries. It is only like what we often do is like we set a boundary and then we expect the other person to to respect it, right?
00:48:50
Speaker
However, it only becomes valid if we are actually able to walk away if they don't respect it, right? Exactly. If we keep repeating ourselves, then like they they don't even take a seat. Then it's not a boundary. It's not a boundary. It's just a conversation.
00:49:06
Speaker
Exactly. But in that in that case, I wasn't even able to walk away because I was in my Yeah, he was the one who had to walk away um in Thailand. You tried to walk away and he appeared at your doorstep at 7am, if I understand correctly. 6.30, 6.20. I woke up was there um That is, But yeah, it's hard to walk away when you can't walk away from your own place.
00:49:35
Speaker
Well, another important thing to say is that if you, basically, if you present a boundary and are met with negotiation on the boundary, that in itself, this pattern of behavior is already a red flag. Yeah. Because that shows that the person doesn't respect and see you as a full human.
00:49:52
Speaker
That's true. However, in his mind, he did see that different as in he was just trying, like he was just asking all those questions to try to understand me.
00:50:03
Speaker
And I, as weird as it sounds, I even believe that that's true, but it doesn't like the the intention doesn't matter here because that's how it came across and how it came across is you're negotiating my boundaries and you're not respecting my boundaries. That's how it came across. Right. So in the end, what the intention was on his side, it doesn't really matter so much, but it it was indeed not the way that he was just like, oh, I don't give a shit. It was more like, oh, I just want to understand better so I can, you know, fix it because that's what he's doing all the time, fixing things. um Or you have to know, find a solution.
00:50:37
Speaker
um But sometimes you also just, you don't want a solution. You just want the fact to be accepted, right? You don't want someone to like find a solution for it. Exactly. So I'm going to say two things. One is the one is the more important thing.
00:50:52
Speaker
The motivation doesn't matter. The reasons for somebody behavior for somebody's behavior is maybe 10% of the story. The 90% of the story is but the effect that it has on you. yeah You are not responsible for other people's behavior. You are not responsible for other people's reality.
00:51:09
Speaker
You're only responsible for your own. And this ties into the so whole value thing. Even if somebody is um rich and cool and he goes to the same festivals as you and he knows all the nice hotels and blah, blah, blah.
00:51:25
Speaker
If it doesn't make you feel good, he's not adding value. The only thing that matters is your experience. And here in FDS, we're huge proponents of honoring your feelings, honoring your instincts, because you're a powerful lady.
00:51:43
Speaker
And the second thing I wanted to say is... Yeah, definitely. And the second thing is ah I guess more philosophical, but also kind of practical. I think a lot of the times i think a lot of the times when people say,
00:51:59
Speaker
i just want to understand is a way to like create a mind bypass to something that maybe is inconvenient for you to hear or inconvenient for you to
Wrap-up and Reflections on Empowerment
00:52:13
Speaker
accept.
00:52:13
Speaker
Sometimes you even hear people do that in like um in like kind of a trolling political or something. They say, like oh, but I'm just going asking questions. I just want to understand. Sometimes it's like, I just want to understand is I'm just not accepting what you're saying.
00:52:31
Speaker
It's not accepting what you're saying and it's using a mind aperture with like a seemingly naive ah motivation. But actually the effect that it has on you in the moment, which is it's annoying and you don't want to have to explain yourself.
00:52:45
Speaker
That's what it is. It's just under the guise of something that's innocent. I just want to understand. Sometimes it's not your responsibility to explain to somebody else what's happening.
00:52:56
Speaker
Exactly. And it also has the effect, like in the end, it made me feel guilty, like as if I did something wrong because I'm like, I'm turning down these favors or I'm not explaining myself to someone who's just wants to understand me. Like in the end, I'm being there left feeling guilty for, don't know, right. Something. But that's exactly why that, like,
00:53:21
Speaker
He's a smart person. He's doing all of these things in a way that manipulates you into being present with him, talking to him, explaining yourself to him. It's all under the guise of whatever. Like his ah creating value for you and like helping you and doing favors for you and doing things for you.
00:53:41
Speaker
He knows that he's doing it with the purpose of creating that value. Like this is not the same scale. um Like when the guy that I was dating when I broke up with him, do you know what he tried to make me feel bad about?
00:53:56
Speaker
that I didn't want to meet him the next day. After he was in India for two and a half weeks, barely talking to me, he tried to make a plan with me for the day after, for the day after to have dinner with me.
00:54:10
Speaker
And I told him, no, I can't, I don't have time, but let's meet at the end of the weekend. And like the conversation got worse and worse. And then we ended up breaking up on the phone. And since he didn't have anything to make me feel bad about, this is what he chose to make me feel to try to make me feel bad about. That I didn't make the time to meet him the next day.
00:54:31
Speaker
And you know what I told him? You don't have priority of my time. Why would I cancel my massage therapy and why would I not go to my yoga? you don't have priority of my time. You don't get to decide what is the good time for me to break up with you. like he was That's the only thing that he can make a moral judgment of because I i was trying to be so so kind and not tell him that he's distant and not satisfying me emotionally or sexually.
00:54:59
Speaker
but But I made it like an effort to tell him that we're just not a good match. So he had nothing to make me feel bad with except for the timing. But he was, this is like a thing. they They are trying to make themselves feel good. We all are.
00:55:13
Speaker
But it is only our job to protect ourselves, not them. Yeah, I agree. Nothing to add. Did you get your heels back? I did get my heels back in Austria.
00:55:25
Speaker
I've been wearing them every day since. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Very nice. So so lucky end of the story in an in an unfortunate story overall.
00:55:37
Speaker
Well, what did you learn? Well, I learned that um like setting a boundary is not the same as as keeping it, right? Like um that's exactly what you just say, right? It's not like boundary.
00:55:50
Speaker
What makes a boundary is that you can't cross it and just because I'm voicing a boundary doesn't necessarily mean it is it is being respected. And of course, I learned once again to trust my intuition, which I had in the beginning. And yes i I don't believe it was wrong to still try it, right? And to still give it a try because there's also curiosity and there's also like just things that can develop apart from that. So so it wasn't wrong to give it a try, but it was like wrong to not, you know, like stand firm in my boundary where, when it was needed. Yeah, I hear you. Well, it also sounds tiring to have to defend your boundary all the time. It is a very fucking tiring. I can tell you that.
00:56:31
Speaker
I literally felt like I just wasted the whole month of this year. was the first month, January. was like, why did I waste, like, just felt like a wasted four weeks.
00:56:43
Speaker
um Because obviously like we had those like, two and a half weeks there. And then I was a week, another week drained. And then afterwards, I needed a week to recover when I came back to Amsterdam. So I was literally four weeks lost for nothing whatsoever. But um oh well, such is life. Ladies, learn your lesson. If you invest in a man that's not worth it, and then if you invest in something that you're not interested in, you're putting more than the time that you put it in it.
00:57:13
Speaker
You also have the recovery time after that, the time that your heart is closed, that you don't want to date to anybody because you're traumatized. Sometimes it's better to walk away, but it's also sometimes better to dive in and see what you find and then learn something.
00:57:26
Speaker
Yeah, let's learn. Very nice. So thank you so much, Sofia, for sharing your your story about Jay the philosopher. His real name is saved in the system.
00:57:38
Speaker
Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. We enjoyed having you on the show. Thanks. Very welcome. I hope our ladies found this interesting and useful. And we will see you in two weeks. If we have any squirrels listening, bring value, actual value. Make us feel good or we just don't need you. Thanks. Bye.