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S1 Ep. 27: Dear Ex-Husband. An end, but not the end.
48 Plays2 months ago
In this season-ending episode, I share an experience from a recent trip to Florida that had me reflecting on words left unsaid. While sitting on the coast, inspired by Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry," I', triggered into feeling the emotions of leaving my marriage and my journey of my next big project, "finding happiness and home". I get a little vulnerable and read a heartfelt poem I wrote on the coast, dedicated to my ex-husband, that tells the story of the loss, growth, and gratitude for all that's to come and all that once was.
As season one comes to a close, I reflect on the experiences and lessons learned along the way. I'm excited to unfold the next chapter and share new adventures with you in season two. Join me for an authentic, vulnerable conversation about navigating life's wild mess and finding strength in new beginnings. An end, but not the end.
Alexa play "Hell of a Man" by Ella Langley
Dear Ex-Husband, I am sorry.
Transcript
00:00:01
heatherdyann
Is it possible to fill everything and nothing at the very the same time? Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here.
00:00:21
heatherdyann
Liz girl has been on the go and it has been so great for me to really get to kind of go on some new adventures that have just fueled my soul in ways that I absolutely needed. And one of which was a recent trip to Florida where just sitting on the Florida coast I suddenly had a poor um a poem just pour out of me. I heard in the distance the song that I hadn't heard in years. Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie.
00:01:02
heatherdyann
And there's just these lines, the lines in this song talk about it's personal. Me, myself and I, I've got some straightening out to do. The path that I'm walking, I must go alone. Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay. That song, I remember when I first heard it really resonated with me because there were just so many lines about leaving and that's kind of always been something that's felt familiar to me like I just
00:01:40
heatherdyann
always connected with the feeling of running. So not great because then you got married. But um anyways, I heard that song as I'm on the Florida coastline and this poem just completely poured out of me. And that happens often because I absolutely love to write. But it's not one of those where I just it was very genuine and authentic in my feelings and emotions at that moment.
00:02:17
heatherdyann
And I have a couple of things up on my blog and I definitely need to add some more. So if you haven't been there yet, definitely check it out. I'm going to start adding some more since I've done so much writing recently. But I want to do something a little different as I'm a little bit getting in my feels. I'm leaving back to Utah this week and it feels very Every time I go back, I'm so excited because I want to see the mountains. I want to see my friends and family. um It's just it it gives me a level of peace, like nowhere else. But then I also just get anxious about knowing that I'm going to feel emotions that I just have to feel. And I don't know when and if those will ever, ever stop coming when I go back home.
00:03:11
heatherdyann
And so that's kind of like the delicate dance of can you feel something and nothing at the very same time. So as I prepare for my trip, I kind of also am looking to wrap up this season and start doing some new things. And so I thought, why not share a poem with y'all here and hopefully you can relate to feeling where when you are either way, ah ah either side, everyone's been through heartbreak and hurt at some point in their life, unfortunately for all of us, but there's always some good that can come from it.
00:03:59
heatherdyann
And oftentimes you don't get a good closure with someone. And I feel like there were was some words that I may have left unsaid in the heat of the emotion and me packing up and leaving across the country. And I want to share with you a poem. Here it goes.
00:04:31
heatherdyann
Dear ex-husband, I say a lot about leaving. You've probably heard it by now. Likely it's hurt you like the mistruths in our vows. Forever and always, I made a misstep. I ruined the picture you couldn't give up. You were my best friend, knew me like the back of your hand. It didn't always feel like sunshine. There was darkness and pretend. Started real young and hearts are hard to mend. Life came fast and lives came to an end.
00:05:12
heatherdyann
We moved through the sadness, smiled through the tears, laughed on the best nights, pushed down all the fears. No, it wasn't all your fault. There's lots of blame to place. It wouldn't change much now. I leave it be and give us grace. Pointing fingers doesn't take away pain. Can't blame, can't blame a single missed shot for the loss of the whole game. We did what we knew and we knew what we did. We weren't going to see forever. The light got too dim. It's hard to face truths that are easier to hide. I'm sorry I couldn't be fake for the rest of our lives. We deserve sunshine. We danced through lots of rain. Most people could have stayed. You knew your wife wasn't the same.
00:06:13
heatherdyann
You'd tell me I deserved better. I often felt for you that way. Life is an easy an easy road. The bridge was broken that day. In a world that is okay with me and wants me to hate you, because that's how it should be, I can't help but thank you for the new life you've given me. It's not easy or simple. I've learned that's really the case. But being loved by you taught me, we all love in different ways. No need to judge others for their mistakes. At the end of the day, our own demons to face.
00:06:57
heatherdyann
Growing from the hard times is the silver lining of this hurt. I only wish for you the best things, like any good man you deserve, the world. I may no longer be in it, but my hope is you find it with a new her. Dear ex-husband, I know it's not easy, but it's not the end of our world.
00:07:34
heatherdyann
And as I finish being very vulnerable in that, I feel like part of this podcast and I hope it's connected with people that have felt ways that they didn't know how to articulate and hearing someone else do so can provide that for them. but i I feel like it's a little wild for me to kind of reflect on my poetry, but um again, just getting in the fields with going back to Utah and figuring out all of the things that are going to happen in my life. There's just so many. The Florida trip for me right before Utah was
00:08:17
heatherdyann
a place where I could figure out where I'm going. And I think all of us in life have like these moments where we're like, I don't know what I'm doing. um I know where I should go and I know where I should be. But it would be easier to fall back into patterns that I've already had in my life that haven't served me. And I will tell you that that is the biggest sign that you are being tested if you really want to change or not. So if you do the things you've always been doing instead of the things that you know will probably better your life, your situation, your mindset, whatever,
00:09:06
heatherdyann
then you're you're not ready to grow. You're not ready to get to that next place. And I'll tell you, just like staying in something that isn't meant for you, it's just easier. It's just easier, but but it's easier because it's what you know. It's not easier because it's what you should have in your life.
00:09:37
heatherdyann
And I think when we let go of like, well, this is exactly what I thought it should be and it's not. So I'm mad about it. And I'm just going to keep doing everything else the same because this worked. It, it never has to always be the same. I mean, you know, like when you were like a kid and you like wanted to, well, I don't know how many people were like this, but I feel like I'm not the only one. There's so many shared experiences, but you're like, I want to rearrange my room.
00:10:07
heatherdyann
There's a need sometimes for change. It kind of just makes you feel and think differently when you just shake things up. I think that's what a lot of people love so much about travel. It just takes you out of your normalcy and puts you where you can be, you know, fun and just release all of the things that you are and be whoever you want to be. And nobody even knows you. You're on like some random Island or you're, you know, speaking of that, I'm going to my first island in Ohio coming up soon. So I didn't even know Ohio had an island. So these are the things, you know, this Utah girl comes out, you know, the middle of the country and now she's like, what's happening? And if I didn't, I wouldn't even know, I would still be living my life without even knowing Ohio had an island because this is just what I was doing, the same old thing. And I feel like opening yourself up to experiences and feelings is just so good. I know I needed to get that poem that I shared with you all out of me. And I don't know that if it would have came out if I wasn't sitting on a Florida coastline when Big Girls Don't Cry came on.
00:11:22
heatherdyann
And I know that sounds silly, but I feel like sometimes you have to be in places that allow for things that are meant to be in your life to happen. And so as I embark on this new season of my life and wrapping up this season one of me, just I don't get me wrong. I have a number of messy stories still waiting for you. But I also feel like this first season was really a therapeutic one for me to discuss my whole up and leaving Utah, coming to Tennessee, experiencing all these things. And now I'm here and now I have this now I'm. I've set the foundation. But that doesn't mean I can't switch it around.
00:12:14
heatherdyann
season two will be where do we go from here in my life and for this journey and I would love each of you to come with me because I have no doubt that this moving ahead it will not just be me and my lovely stories all alone I will bring other people into this little world wild mass that were all wandering to kind of discuss how they're navigating the things that came up in their life.
00:12:46
heatherdyann
Because as I've said before, the more people that I have met and the more I've just been out in the world, the more I see that everyone obviously has a story. And when we can find pieces of someone else's story that kind of ah show us like, oh, hey, me too. There's just such a powerful connection or impact and like for us to know we're not alone in situations. I kid you not, it's so good to have people that you can say, oh, wow, they felt like that too. It's just such a great feeling. So I want to read, because you know, I'm a big young Pueblo, I want to read this to kind of end where I went with my poem.
00:13:38
heatherdyann
Because I think this sums it up well when we're whenever we have something in our life that is kind of taken from us sooner than we thought it would be. And I put a note in this and I found it today and that's why I want to share it. Because I wrote underneath this, I said how he must felt must have felt. And it just goes to show me how much I still very much consider and feel what my ex-husband must feel.
00:14:20
heatherdyann
And I honestly, i don't I feel a little alone in that. I haven't met many women that have told me that they're still that worried about how their ex feels. If anything, they're usually angry or could care less or already moved on. And in serious relationships are married to someone else. So I don't have a ton of insight on this, but I and maybe that's why maybe because I'm not in that place and I'm no one is significant in my life that I don't have that, but
00:14:58
heatherdyann
I'm still there where I'm thinking about this. So it says, I thought we would have more time. The end was not just unwanted. It was completely unexpected. When trouble arose, I hope things would quickly return to normal. I was not ready to have a new chapter forced upon me and to be handed such a heavy feeling of loss. I must learn to tend to my heart in new ways because you are no longer there to help me hold it. All I have in front of me is the great task of creating a new idea of happiness and home.
00:15:51
heatherdyann
it's It's really embodies the truth of what it feels like to have to start over when you never knew something would end. and And like I said, underneath, I wrote how I must felt, must have felt. But if I'm speaking to anyone who has felt this way, it is a great task of creating a new idea of happiness in home.
00:16:23
heatherdyann
But it is a blank slate to go after life the way you want to do it. To be the person you want to be, to be the partner that you want to be, to make things happen. I literally wake up every day with gratitude, even though I know that there's a lot of things that I don't have figured out. I start my day by listing everything I'm grateful for. I think the task of starting over and finding what happiness in home feels like is an exciting task. I have no idea what's in store and that literally makes me smile.
00:17:20
heatherdyann
What is the line? The world is my oyster. I mean, if you think about it like that, it feels a lot better. So I'll end this by saying, I know that not everything that we feel in life seems
00:17:46
heatherdyann
lovely as we feel it, but feeling it and moving through it is the best way to go. And even if you no longer care the way you once did, you can still care a little.
00:18:12
heatherdyann
I'll end it by an LL Langley lyric because I'm, I'm always her biggest fan. And this song isn't new, but her album's amazing if you haven't listened. And there's a line that says, Am I just a runner looking for another? And then I threw in Dirk Spently with a lot of leave and left to do. I don't know what my next adventure will hold. Still, every day is a new adventure, but I am so excited for it. And I hope y'all are too. So season one will be coming to an end and I can't wait to be back with a whole new season.
00:19:00
heatherdyann
Thank you so much for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.