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S1 Ep. 21: When do we know what we're doing?
45 Plays3 months ago
In this episode, I reflect on my life two years after making the decision to leave my marriage. I reminisce about the challenges and the loneliness that can come with such a decision, likening it to hiking up a mountain alone. I emphasize the importance of stepping out of our comfort zones, embracing spontaneity, and finding joy in new experiences, like last-minute Zach Byran concerts in San Francisco. I encourage everyone to seek validation within themselves rather than relying on others to fill their cups, while also appreciating the beauty of having a partner along for the ride. I remind us that even when the path forward is uncertain, we must keep moving. It will all work out in the end, and although life can feel hard and heavy at times, it's not that serious. There's always time to "pick daisies."
Alexa, play "Good, I'll Do" by Zach Bryan.
Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
I had no idea what I was doing when I packed that bag and left the house that night, but I never went back. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here. I'm starting off just really reminiscing about what's coming up for me. I'm a big dates person and I know as much as I preach, everything always works out. And we just need to be positive and grateful. I oftentimes have challenges getting out of my own mind, which I'm sure many of us do.
00:00:46
Speaker
And with everything going on in my life right now, I have recently been reflecting so much on what's up and coming in the next week or few days is two years since I just left. And when I say left, meaning said, I want a divorce and then followed through with it. And I think a lot of people in relationships, whether you've been married or not, there's a moment where you kind of say something in the heat of the moment, but it's not really, you hadn't really thought it through and it's probably not exactly what you wanted, but you're just feeling some sort of way. I think sometimes our emotions get the best of all of us, right? But when I said that,
00:01:37
Speaker
I never thought pre, like I didn't pre meditate that moment. I just said it and I left. And I don't even know when I look back how I even had the courage to just roll with it. And I know that the biggest thing was having the support of my friends.
00:02:08
Speaker
because I don't think that I could have done all of that without support. And I think this is just a little, I'm gonna send this reminder out to people because I feel like, and especially men more than women even, but we all have these times and that, you know, when we need someone to talk to, we gotta reach out. We can't stay in our own heads because it doesn't get us to where we need to be. And it can take us down a pretty dark and scary path in our own minds that again, isn't even reality, but we just start tracking down that path. And if we don't.
00:02:49
Speaker
let someone help us by turning on the switch or lighting some a flame or, you know, bringing in a candle. And that's kind of what relationships and friendships do for us. Then we can be in a pretty dark spot. And so I think in this, where I'm going here is I've been thinking a lot about when am I going to have it all figured out? i I think that's just a point in time where we kind of all are searching for, like when is it all going to make sense? And I think sometimes when you're in a relationship, you're in this marriage with someone, whether you're enjoying all of it or not, I think you have to realize in any relationship, like it's never going to be perfect all the time.
00:03:38
Speaker
And it's always going to have its ups and and downs. But I think there's a calmness in that stability of having that constant person in your life. I think that's probably one of the best feelings as humans that we can have. is when we know that we have one person in our corner, that the whole idea of for better or for worse is going to be there for us.
00:04:13
Speaker
And we're not always going to be rainbows and sunshine. We're not always going to be our best selves. We're not always going to be happy because we're still humans with emotions, but we have this rock that's there through all of those things. So it's almost like hiking up the mountain with a partner, knowing that like, if I get winded for a minute, at least they'll help me like, Hey, I don't know if I can make it up. I'm getting tired. No, you got this. You can do it. We're almost there. This whole thing. And don't get me wrong. There's times it's like, let me hike this bottle meat in the middle. Like do your thing. I'll do mine. But knowing you just have that person is such honestly, probably such an underrated thing.
00:05:03
Speaker
I think we kind of, if you've had it, you may forget how wonderful it is and and not and think it's just, you know, probably don't appreciate it as much when we have those things. But when we don't anymore, I think when you reflect back, you realize what a blessing it was to have a partner that wanted to venture up the mountain with you. And I think that's why when people ask me, why I held on to so much guilt for leaving. I think that's why. Because I never wanted to leave him without a a partner to travel up the mountain with him.
00:05:49
Speaker
I didn't want to do that. And the more that I've soul searched and looked inward and trying to heal and work on some of the things that I know that I need to do better moving ahead. and I think about the line from the Zach Bryan song, which, you know, I'm always going to go to music and I have a story about one of his concerts. I need to share that. but There's a line that says, grab me by the hands just as calloused as I am. Say you're proud. I think the that line just says so much, because I think so many of us are aiming to be great and wonderful, but we never know if we're enough.
00:06:37
Speaker
And I think that can start in childhood when you're younger, you're constantly looking for validation from your parents, your siblings, your friends, people around you. And then as you get older, it starts being um your colleagues and your career, your leaders, your partner, boyfriend, whomever, um whatever is in your industry, any kind of like, Oh, what I'm doing is enough. I think we're all just constantly looking for someone to validate that what we're doing is enough. And the hard part is I truly know, but it's easier. It's it's easy to know. It's sometimes hard to put into actual like executing that, but we have to validate ourselves.
00:07:29
Speaker
instead of just putting the burden on others. Because when we seek constant validation from external, then we're always going to be in that cycle of needing external validation from someone. And there's just some times that you're not going to get it. And that's going to dictate your happiness or your mood. And that's like not what we want. because it's out of our control. So when we learn to validate what we need within ourselves, then we have the control to kind of be steady with being proud of who we are.
00:08:09
Speaker
But I still think the beautiful idea of someone that grabs you by the hand just as calloused as I am and says you're proud is the beauty of a partnership with someone that truly loves you and means it.
00:08:35
Speaker
And that's where I'll enter. I don't know what I'm doing because I could paint that pretty picture, but I left because I needed something more. And I feel like to have changed my life so much, I realized lately that there feels this immense pressure for me to figure out What was the reward for leaving? Where are you going? How are you making yourself with such a much better life than you had?
00:09:16
Speaker
or Or why didn't you just stay? Because you didn't know what you were doing then, and you still don't. but So it's kind of like, do we ever, right? Do we ever know what we're doing? I don't think so. So enter San Francisco. So during this whole I don't know what I'm doing phase, I had been spending a lot of time in the office working because I didn't have this is prior to me um being or maybe I was back in the house. I don't know.
00:09:53
Speaker
It was the whole world when I don't even know and my emotions were similar to how they're feeling now lately. I've been in a different headspace. And I just was it was one of those where you just rash making a decision like, I'm going to go to San Francisco to see Zach Ryan. He's playing. So I'm going So, and it's literally like, I don't know, the week if before the concert, I end up finagling this whole trip. I'm just gonna solo go by myself. I hadn't been to San Francisco in years. And he's playing at the Warfield and I'm like, sure, downtown San Francisco, book the flight, do all the things, get to San Francisco. And I remember I'm buying my ticket, which was way too much. Resale, obviously like a week before the concert.
00:10:45
Speaker
And I there was like two seats on the end.
00:10:51
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, if I pick the end seat, then someone's going to have to pick the seat next to me and they're going to have to one ticket because the other people have already picked their seats, right? So if I pick the one on the end, they're going to have to, someone's going to have to sit next to me. So maybe I'll meet a friend because it'll have to be someone else going by themselves. And they obviously probably don't know those other people. So I buy my ticket. I have a couple drinks at the hotel bar before I go down. And then I'm like, I start to, I walk there because it's still light enough. And I mean, I got scolded that that wasn't my best idea, but my hotel was really close. So I walk there and I'm like, okay, I see all these people in line. Like it's crazy, this line outside the war field. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, like, wow.
00:11:46
Speaker
So I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to need a drink while I'm staying in this line. And so I go into some like little convenience store that has liquor and I buy like a couple of beers and a little couple of mini bottles of tequila. And so I, and then I make my way to find the end of this line and I can't find it. Like I don't know where it ends. I'm kind of asking people like, I don't even know. So finally I, I'm walking around and I get to the front of the war field and I'm like, is this like the, this is really in the line. And they're like, yeah. And I was like, look, I have some beers, some tequila. Like if you guys just let me come in the line with y'all, like here you go.
00:12:31
Speaker
perfect trade. They were like, of course, cause they're just me. So meet these friends in line. We're drinking the tequila. We get in all the things I'm buying. I'm buying merch, which I, I'm not, I've never even really been that girl that's buying merch, but I swear like suddenly what the one thing I knew after I got, it was getting divorced. I just wanted to buy merch. It was, I don't know. It was like oh a switch flipped. So I'm buying merch and I'm waiting and grabbing a drink. I get to my seat. And there's a guy there and look at that. So he's by himself at the concert. So we get to chatting like before the show starts. So I have this merge and I'm chatting and I'm just like, he's like, oh, you're here by yourself. And I'm like, yeah. And I was like, you? And he was like, yeah. And sure enough,
00:13:25
Speaker
He had been going through or a breakup, someone that he had been. He had been with her for a decent amount of time. um They weren't married, but they had been. I feel like it was like five or seven years. I'm trying to remember. It was like a good amount of time. And she decided she needed ah some space and, you know, they were not together at the moment. but he was kinda holding out some hope. And he as he's telling me these things, so now him and I are just new you know besties at this moment. so he And I am not talking really about my divorce at this time, but I just said I had to come to this, this album's been healing me. And so he's kinda telling me their whole thing and I'm just in my head going like, this woman is not gonna get back with this guy.
00:14:22
Speaker
like she's like the thing he's telling me I'm like I don't even know why he's holding out hope but it's easier as an outsider to see that then when you're in it in your own heart of hearts you want to hold on to something and believe that it'll be different so no judgment there So we watched the like we the concert was like amazing and it's crazy because I'm sure he will Zach will never play in a venue like that like I saw him play in Knoxville and the huge one I you know that I talked about and now he's playing you know even bigger stadium so
00:15:02
Speaker
and arenas. So that was cool for me to be there. So I'm jamming out, um loving my life, like having the best time being the happiest type girl, like it was just such a fun concert. So we go to leave. And I have all this merge. And so this nice guy ends up like carrying my merge and we're like, I have to go to the restroom. He's carrying my stuff around, blah, blah, blah. He's like, you're going to walk back to your ah hotel from here. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, I don't really know if you should walk because he was from San Francisco and he was such a nice guy. Like he was a baseball coach and a teacher, uh, at a high school in San Francisco.
00:15:44
Speaker
And just like a super nice human. And I'm always I'm definitely a sucker for like nice, nice guys. And I just and I also just felt bad that that whole thing with that girl, it's like I just wanted to shake this man and be like, there are ah hundreds of women in this world and at this concert, like don't, don't, don't invest any more time in someone that doesn't want you. But anyways, we ended up having a great time. He walks me to, and he ends up walking me to my hotel, which was super nice. And, um you know,
00:16:26
Speaker
I learn even more all about him. And I think about that a lot. Well, not a lot, but it crosses my mind sometimes because
00:16:37
Speaker
he you know He got my number. like Obviously, he doesn't live here. He's talked about coming to Tennessee, but I remember that he had told me that like it didn't end up working out with her, but he really needed that night that that we spent together that i just was so fun and it was just such a ah great time. He remembers how like excited um I got when Oklahoma Smoke Show came on and that was my song and it was just like, just exactly like what he needed to see, like the happiness and all the things. And I guess that story kind of makes me happy because when even when we don't know what we're doing, we should just do stuff and then we find things that make us happy.
00:17:29
Speaker
Like I think sometimes when we get overthinking and stuck in our heads, it's easy to just not want to do anything, not want to adventure out, not want to take new chances, want to get stuck on the, why is it like this way? Why don't I know what I'm doing? Why is it so hard? Why do I feel this way? But if we just say, let me just go out and do stuff. then then you have the opportunity to either bring light to someone else's life or have light brought to yours. And don't get me wrong, I had the best time. I went to a concert solo, and left with the date, if you call it. I mean, we basically went to the concert together.
00:18:07
Speaker
And in my eyes, I'm sure he would, he would agree in the same. And it was just like, Hey, we're both like, we don't know what we're doing. We had been with these partners forever. And now we won't go to a concert alone. And we leave with someone that's like super fun and just like open to having like a really exciting time and carefree and moment. Like I loved it. And,
00:18:35
Speaker
I still don't know really why I was just actually y'all in this moment I'm like that's what I need. That's what I need. I need to just go somewhere new. and see where it takes me. Um, so if you're listening, that's, that's going to be my plan. I feel like that's when I think about what makes me happiness, happiest in life, besides like being in the water, being on a mountain, it's just being able to and meet people and just vibe with life. And I'm balancing so much right now, the difference between,
00:19:22
Speaker
Life's not that serious and Heather, you're an adult and you need to figure out your life. And the weird thing is, is that I came across something just recently that was talking about it and it was, and I don't know if this is really someone, but it was written like it was. um And she was an 85 year old and it was basically like she said, if I had to live my life over, And it's like, I'd like to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I ever had been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
00:20:15
Speaker
Basically she says she was really sensible the whole time in her life. She was always prepared, but she lived so many years ah ahead of each day and was always prepared with a raincoat and a parachute. But if she'd have it to do again, she'd travel lighter than she'd have. She would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I'd pick more daisies.
00:20:53
Speaker
And I'm, I'm giving us this, I'm wrapping this into what I'm saying, because I think there's always that challenge between I'm not doing enough. I don't know what I'm doing. And I have to validate whatever I'm doing with myself more than ever because I don't. I'm, I'm walking up this mountain alone right now and
00:21:28
Speaker
Whenever you're walking up the mountain alone, I think it's just, there's there's there's benefits because you get to choose the path yourself. It's you. You go where you want to go. But with a partner, someone kind of cheers you on as you try to navigate and you get to do the same for them.
00:21:54
Speaker
So it's like, which one do you want? Because they both come with worries and troubles. Both are going to have hard times and both are going to feel easier. I think when I look back to myself almost two years ago now saying those words that I can't believe so seriously came out of my mouth, I want a divorce.
00:22:21
Speaker
I didn't realize how much my entire being would change.
00:22:32
Speaker
And I don't know if and anything can really prepare you for that. I think there's a sense of failure that has to be learned to be let go of, that you have to just process and learn to let go. And I think it's just like grief and the same as if in the grief of my father, which Father's Day just passed. So that was a difficult day for me. And I keep it in my own head. I try not to bring others down with that, but it was definitely and on my mind.
00:23:05
Speaker
And you know there's days where I'm just grateful that I had my father and you know I talked to him in my own way and everything's fine. And then other days it just hits me like this stinks that I cannot just call him. And this is really hard. And if if he was here, it would be like this.
00:23:31
Speaker
But you know what I mean? some days it's hard and some days it's easy. And I think that's kind of life. I think that's kind of what when we're trying to figure it all out, it's like some days are going to be hard and some days are going to be easy. And we just have to kind of go with the ebb and flow of the reality that no matter what path we're on, It's not going to just be this straight shot to simple. It's not going to ever just be this place where everything just always falls into place. And even as a firm believer of everything works out as it should, even as someone that has smiled through some of her darkest days and seen it work out the way that it should, I have to be realistic in saying that it's still hard.
00:24:21
Speaker
sometimes to not know what you're doing. But I think what I'm coming to the conclusion now is that when you're trying to figure out what you should do, or when's the right time, just decide that all the spinning your wheels and thinking about it doesn't help or move us along any further.
00:24:47
Speaker
We're running on a treadmill hoping to get to, you know, some other destination. Well, it's not going to happen. We need to just make the decision and start going. And we don't really have to know what we're doing because the good news is, which I learned in this, that you can change your mind again at any time. You can make a decision today. and you could change it 10 years from now. And as I look at a lot of different paths I have in front of me right now and want to understand where to go, I think I just wanna choose what makes my heart feel happiest, what matters in the scheme of life. And I know I've talked about this before and i you're like, what is her infatuation with death? And it's not that, but I just think when you think about
00:25:46
Speaker
What would ah future me and not that I want to jump to the future, but if I'm laying there, what would I want me to have chose? I think happiness, adventure, love, laughter, those kinds of things are going to be always the things you're going to want more of when your time's over. You're going to wish you had more of those moments. You're going to wish you could have spent more time with people that cared about you deeply and less time about worrying about the ones that don't.
00:26:27
Speaker
More time thinking about how much you enjoyed your time in the mountains, on the water, taking a moment to just do nothing with someone you care about. over proving everyone that you're good enough for anything or feeling some kind of way about life and why all the things in your past that you're upset about even happened because they did and they're over.
00:27:12
Speaker
and you made choices and now here you are and you're presented with more choices and it's just going to continue to be an ongoing upward, make more choices. So yeah, I don't know what I'm doing still and it's been almost two years, but I do know more that it's just always going to be okay.
00:27:44
Speaker
no matter what.
00:28:02
Speaker
So I'll end this by saying that really and the message here is no matter what choices we make in life, we are not sure ever where they're going to lead us.
00:28:17
Speaker
But if we trust that it will all work out, I promise you it will. And if we just take a step back and go, what do I want to do? What makes me happy? And stop worrying about what if all of this could go wrong? What if everything goes right? Too many times we spend way too much energy worrying about all the things that could go wrong instead of just thinking, what if everything goes perfect? And i'm when I say perfect, I mean perfect in the way of, you know, absolutely wonderful, but still has its moments, right? And so it's okay to
00:29:04
Speaker
light yourself, choose what you want to do in that moment. And if it doesn't continue to be what you want, then change it. But you have to decide. Don't run on that treadmill, hoping to get somewhere that you're not already at. That's literally what overthinking about. Things are instead of just making decisions. Running on a treadmill, expecting to get somewhere.
00:29:39
Speaker
Thanks so much for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.