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S1 Ep. 19.: Finding a new outlook on the other side of darkness
62 Plays4 months ago
In this episode, I explore some tough and vulnerable topics. Reflecting on my past, I realized that many of us hide our true feelings behind a smile.
I share my experience and feelings the first month in Nashville all alone. I talk about how it hit me how difficult and crazy leaving everything behind seemed. I'll touch on how I struggled with intrusive thoughts and self-doubt, questioning my decision to move, and how I was overwhelmed and felt a crushing weight of worry.
Gradually, having faith in something greater than myself helped me cope. In my darkest moments, my new outlook gave me the peace and strength to make it through. I hope to make us all feel alright with going through the lows, after riding some highs. I want to remind us all that the hard times won't stay forever and our perspective on life plays a critical part.
You don't always have to know why "you went the way you did," but trust it. You got this.
Alexa play "Outlook" by Morgan Wallen
Transcript
00:00:02
heatherdyann
There's so many crossroads you come to and can't put your finger on why you went the way you did. Funny all the things you realize when that 2020 hindsight vision opens up your eyes. Welcome to wandering the wild mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here.
00:00:31
heatherdyann
This episode, we're going to get into a little bit of the tough stuff. I want to be a little vulnerable with you because I'm realizing more than ever that so many of us are going through really hard things all the time, but many of us have just really been great or conditioned to be able to just smile through the difficult. And I 100% understand that whole perspective on just, you know, kind of sucking it up and putting on a happy face. And I definitely did that for a long time, not only in my life, in my marriage, in my career, all of the things. And there's some days that are just hard. And so it becomes even harder to kind of play that part of like, I'm good, when inside you don't feel that way.
00:01:31
heatherdyann
And I have came so far. um And I'm so happy to be in such a happy, light space, but I can still be taken back to hard thoughts. And, and, you know, I think we all just have to kind of pull ou ourselves out of those. And so I kind of want to tell the story of like, you know, and I mentioned this before, it wasn't rainbows and sunshine leaving my life behind in Utah to come to Nashville, Tennessee. And sometimes when I look back, I'm in awe of myself for even doing it. I don't even know how it happened. To be honest, like it kind of feels like here I am. Right. And I don't even know sometimes how I got here. But
00:02:25
heatherdyann
I want to kind of go back to that first month when I got to Nashville because I will say there have been some pretty, there's been some highs, like the highest of highs during this time and then some lowest of lows. so But if I look back at the whole last now almost two years since my separation at the end of this month, it'll be two years. I think that first month coming to Nashville was probably my lowest and
00:03:04
heatherdyann
I talked about this before I came out and I was doing the Airbnb thing for three months. And the first week I had from one of my girls back home drive out with me, she stayed for a week, we had a great time. And I remember that like at the end of her getting ready to go, we were just saying I just had this small one bedroom Airbnb. So it was a tight space for both of us. And it was like my first time like having a roommate again besides my husband. So I mean, I love her to death, but I was I was good for her to go. I was ready to start my new life in Nashville. And I don't even know I remember it. I don't even know what that meant. Because when I think about it, I didn't even have this like game plan of like,
00:03:48
heatherdyann
Okay, so I live here now like I need to find a house. I don't have any friends like I didn't really all I knew is I was looking for a house because I had a realtor, but I didn't really like know how I was gonna make any friends. And I don't even know if I like really put that much thought or energy like what's the strategy for me to make friends, because I was so busy with work. And then my spare time was like looking for a house and going to see houses. And then I was like maybe going to dinner and I'd like maybe meet people out. But it was I wasn't like just running into like random girls, really, I was like more, you know, and men coming up and like talking to you. So it was kind of like, I didn't really put much thought into how I guess I just kind of knew I would end up making friends weirdly.
00:04:39
heatherdyann
But it's weird because once I had made friends now, like I learned a lot of girls like use like apps like bumble like as a friend that and I was like, gosh, you have been out you have just it's just a totally different life from some girl that has had the same friends since like, you know, some from like, she's known her whole life since like elementary to others at least like high school college to like, age to like, people meeting, I never would even have thought about seeking out friends in those kinds of ways. So it was strange to me, but at this time, I still didn't have any friends.
00:05:19
heatherdyann
And I wasn't like actively because i did I think I just felt like too overwhelmed between my full time job and looking for a house and being in the Airbnb that it just didn't seem like a priority. So which is fine, but I started really getting in my head. And I don't want to say by any means that living in an Airbnb in East Nashville is like being in jail or prison. I'm trying not to compare it, but I, what I will say is that leaving your hometown and everyone you've ever known to go somewhere else and not know any other person.
00:06:07
heatherdyann
and have all your friends back home. They're great, but they're like busy with their lives. They're not single women or single people that don't have children or husbands or careers that can just talk to you on the phone, like whenever you want it. Like there was oftentimes they're like super busy. So I was And I wasn't sharing, I wasn't reaching out like, Oh my gosh, I really need you. And then I know they all would have dropped anything for me if I would have, but I didn't want to appear like, Oh, I need, like, I need someone. I just didn't know how to get out of my own head. And I was so alone.
00:06:50
heatherdyann
And, you know, work would occupy me. And then I would, you know, maybe go look at the couple houses, maybe go have a couple drinks somewhere. And then I come back and I would just be like, what am I doing? Did I really just move to Tennessee and you don't know anyone and you don't even know what you're going to do. You don't even know where you're going to live. Like, what the hell are you doing, Heather? What?
00:07:24
heatherdyann
What are you doing? And I would lay there and like need. I was kind of beating myself up like. you're going to you're gonna I would go down those rabbit holes, which I hope that people don't do this, but I know too well now that we all do in some way or another, or the most of us do, where you're like, am I going to be alone forever? What if I don't find any friends? What if I know this? What if I don't? What if that was the wrong move? What if I should have stayed in Utah? What about everything?
00:07:59
heatherdyann
It would just it was so heavy that I feel like the worry of like, what are you doing was like crushing me, I would be like laying in bed and it was just this heavy weight on top of me. And I remember like a couple of times, like one time I was just so in my head. I had called my friend, Elaine, like the one that came out was there with me the first week and I was like, and she yeah coincidentally or not, whatever, she's a trauma therapist. Um, so it's not, so probably the right friend to have. And I'm just like,
00:08:44
heatherdyann
I'm spiraling, spiraling. And I've never done this. I don't, you know, ah losing my dad was probably like, the most that I've ever been in this like, super like, what am I doing? How is life like this way? But this was like different because it was kind of in my control. And I still chose to do it. And now here I am feeling absolutely
00:09:13
heatherdyann
unable to get out of my own head about everything that I've done. And I'm just like, I just don't even know. It was a complete and utter like, if I can still and this is what over a year ago, I can still like mentally feel how I felt. And it was awful. And I'm so good usually at being like snap them out of it, girl. It is just that's not my thoughts. But I was like,
00:09:53
heatherdyann
not able to. And during this whole separation, I listened to a ton of books and one that i I mean, obviously, the Four Agreements is such a great one um that I always go back to, but I was a lot listening to and um the power of now, which if you haven't listened or read it, it's just such a good book because as I've talked about in my podcast before, it's just like most of our worries comes from thinking about things we should have done in the past or worrying about the future that hasn't arrived and it's really good at just keeping you in the now and I was just not being able to pull myself into the moment. I was just spiraling spy. I don't know. It's so hard for me spiraling into this like Unbearable Sadness
00:10:51
heatherdyann
And it was just it just felt dark there. And I remember her just kind of telling me and I was just like, and the weird thing when I think back about it, like, I don't know when in my life that I just stopped being afraid of death. But I don't know if it's because I lost my dad, like I can't really pinpoint like the point in time. But I've not been one to be so afraid of death. So when I think about why I was so spiral, like being so up in my head, it's like, I mean, worst case scenario,
00:11:31
heatherdyann
would probably be you die and I guess I wasn't afraid of that. So I, I don't even know it was just so awful. It was just so much in my head. So anyway, she's trying to talk me off this ledge and not that I was at that extreme, but just that I couldn't stop thinking these like intrusive, crazy thoughts of like sadness. And I get off the phone with her, I get home and because I'm on Central Time now, I call my mom and I love my mom so much and she's such a kind human being, but her and I couldn't be more different.
00:12:09
heatherdyann
And so although like me and my dad were best friends, and growing up my mom did so much for us and was the fun mom that buy the snacks have the friends over all the things we just never had like a super close relationship in the sense of like, a lot of deep dialogue and things like that, that I experienced with me and my, my father. But she's always been there for me, and you know, and she's always supported me and loved me and told me I could do anything. And so just been great. It just hasn't been that what people would think is like, Oh, your mom's your best friend, like we just didn't have that day. We don't have that dynamic, but we know we understand each other and we love each other for what we have.
00:12:52
heatherdyann
And I love you mom. We we can both admit it's just, it's just, you know, the relationship she has with my sister is completely different than ours. But that's another topic for another day. But the point is I call my mother and I'm like, I'm, I'm just trying to hang in. And she's, and that's very not normal for me to kind of show any sign of like sadness or weakness, especially not with people like my family. Um, I mean, really only my dad. I mean, I've, I'm, I'm usually just this really positive person. So she's like, are you doing okay now? And she, she says, well, I've been,
00:13:36
heatherdyann
ah you know reading the scriptures with, you know, she does some scripture study with someone because I looked up all the the churches around where you live in Nashville, have you been out to, you know, um one of the, you know, churches yet? And I was like, no. And she's like, well, no no pressure, but I can send you the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint app so you can download it. Again, growing up Mormon, family still Mormon, and or ah members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So, but I'm like,
00:14:17
heatherdyann
Okay, yeah, you know, we'll, you know, we'll see. So I get off the phone with her. And then I call my grandmother, which is my dad's mom, or sorry. Yeah, my dad's mom. So I talked to her for a little bit. And and she brings I you know I kind of just get give her a feel or two. And she's like, not, a you know, and the church doesn't really love divorce. And, ah you know, members obviously have different views. But she was kind of like, yeah, divorce isn't really that great. I mean, and and she's being supportive, but she's just telling me her true feelings. And I'm never going to discredit someone for that. And especially not her, she just turned 97. So happy birthday and shout out to her. But she is kind of telling me, you know, some things and I'm just
00:15:04
heatherdyann
So I, that night, and I'm not making this, I'll give this little disclaimer. Everyone make their own decisions about their faith and their beliefs and how they feel about life. But after that, I didn't know what to do. And I was like, I'm, I gotta pray.
00:15:29
heatherdyann
And I remember like getting down and I was just like, please get me out of my head and let me sleep and let me feel peace and let me just do the things I need to do to get through the day without this like mental exhaustion and feeling just like defeated.
00:16:02
heatherdyann
And I'm not going to say that it was like a whole new world the next day, but continually like having faith in something that will help you through a hard time is so, so powerful. And whether you want to believe that it's God or a source or the universe or just some other higher power, like I don't think that you you know have to always name it. umm I'm very open to everyone's way of perceiving life. But that shifted so much of my feelings.
00:16:54
heatherdyann
And how I started out you know at the time, and I always like kind of tie in music here, but Morgan Wallin's album came out, um the one with all the songs. And Outlook was one of the songs on it. And if you that song, oh, yeah, one thing at a time album. um But wait how many songs are there? I don't know if you haven't seen that clip with Caleb. It's freaking hilarious. Thirty six songs. So number thirty five is Outlook and it's such an amazing like it was on repeat for me because
00:17:38
heatherdyann
There's a line that says and and I started out the lyrics to this song, but there's a line that says, then you look up and here you are on the flip side of crazy. And it's something more than the stars. When you get to kiss your baby, I think that's the next line. And it's just kind of saying now my outlook on life is different than it used to be. And that really encompassed how I felt. I 100% always knew that my dad was looking out for me, but I just felt this calm sense of like, no matter what, I'm going to figure it out and it's going to work out. And if something I thought should work out doesn't work out, something better is on the way. And it was such a necessary low.
00:18:39
heatherdyann
to allow me to even be in the mindset that I am today. I feel so grateful for the the trust and faith and positiveness that I have. And I'm not saying like toxic positivity where like, oh, everything's just going to be perfect. But in trusting that, like, if you mean well, do well, good intentions, I do really believe It'll come out all right. And your perspective is such a big, huge piece on how the world and how your life shapes out. How you see the world is how you live your life.
00:19:26
heatherdyann
And I know that sometimes it's out of a little bit out of our control because that moment like I was trying so hard to get out of that funk. So I'm telling you if you're in one of those, where you're like, gosh, like, Keep knowing and trusting that you'll get out of it. Just give it some time because sometimes, you know, I get it in a funk and it's an hour and I'm out. And, and it hasn't been thankfully for a while that it's been days, but that first month when I moved here and had no one, no one to talk to, no one to be there, no one to,
00:20:09
heatherdyann
understand exactly how I felt. It was so hard.
00:20:20
heatherdyann
And so sometimes I think we feel a little bit like failures or like we're doing life wrong when things get hard, or we can't get o ourselves out of a hole for a while. But I would almost say It's not. We all get there. No one's failing for that. And no one's ever been the best, the most successful, never messed up, never had a hard time, never cried, never fell, like none of that.
00:20:52
heatherdyann
I don't think there's like, if I'm thinking back, you know, and I don't have kids, but I'm, I should Google this, but I'm pretty sure that there's very unlikely that a baby learning to walk has just never fallen. And there's like some creepy, like world record of like Jamison the third was the first baby that never fell after he walked the first time. Like, no. We all just don't know what we're doing, but we get up and we try to walk and we're probably going to fall a few times while we're learning. And once we learn, guess what? We're probably still going to end up falling because we can't anticipate every you know bump in the road or sidewalk that's off or you know whatever, puddle in the road, patch of ice. All these things are thrown at us. We know how to walk.
00:21:51
heatherdyann
But we're still going to trip. Then we're just going to get up. We're not going to sit down and be like, that's it. I'm done walking. I fell. And that's kind of how life is.
00:22:05
heatherdyann
Sometimes we might sit on the ground a little longer because like it hurts, but we're going to get back up.
00:22:12
heatherdyann
It's not going to be the end of our time on this earth walking around. Like, but it feels like it for a minute sometimes. And if I wouldn't have just reached out and tried to just get a new perspective, I think that's sometimes important for us. Like when we're in those funks, like what can I do differently? I've been doing the same things and I'm here. So for me, it was like, all right, I'm calling my mom. And I'm going to kind of hint to her that I'm not in the headspace that I normally am. And we're going to see where this goes.
00:22:54
heatherdyann
And I, it's not being beside me that it's men's mental health month. And I would love to kind of use another episode to talk about that because it's something that I'm super passionate about. But when I kind of hear myself, like, I know it's different for women in the sense that it's more okay for us to have emotions. And when I say it's more okay, it's not that it's more okay. I guess it's society accepts that it's more acceptable for us to have emotions.
00:23:28
heatherdyann
Not that that's obviously not right because we're all humans, but I realize even me in that moment, like I can only imagine if I put myself in a male's perspective because even me as a woman just felt. It was a little hard for me to show that vulnerability to my mom and to my grandma. Because I'd always just seem so put together. And I never been someone to just fall apart and be a wreck. And even when my dad died, I remember writing his obituary and I probably, you know, I was being strong for my mom and my sister.
00:24:19
heatherdyann
And like, maybe that's like the oldest daughter, like maybe that's, you know, whatever it is. But like, even that little taste of understanding of like, I just have to seem put together when I'm not as lonely as can be.
00:24:39
heatherdyann
So I guess I'll kind of try to be more positive. I'm just the good news y'all is that I kind of whipped myself out of it. And by the time I was out of that Airbnb, I was in a much better headspace. But I actually need to tell you this last little strange meeting because of that. Because I think in the last episode, I talked about how you always find people you need to find. so
00:25:10
heatherdyann
So this was kind of, this was the like the last Airbnb. I'm trying to pull myself out of this funk and it's like my last week in the Airbnb. So I'm better, but I'm still lonely, don't have friends, just not in a great head space. But I'm sitting outside, there's a port on my Airbnb and me and the dog are sitting outside and it was like a house and they had made it like ah two Airbnbs on each side. And there was someone on the other side, but I didn't like run into her anything because they were like facing the opposite ways. And it was like a house. Well, she had.
00:25:50
heatherdyann
I think she I don't know if she drove by or what what or she saw me out. And she kind of stops. And I'm sitting on the front porch and her and I start talking. And she's originally from Boston. And she's working for Amazon. So she's in town. ah So she was just been kind of like, she could work virtually. So she's been kind of doing Airbnb things and going to different places. And her and I just start talking and we're hitting it off. We ended up talking for like 45 minutes. And I don't know if both of us, cause she was kind of doing the Airbnb thing. We were both just like, we don't have any friends. We're going to kind of lonely. So it was nice to just talk to someone outside of work.
00:26:33
heatherdyann
And so we ended up talking for a minute and I was like, Hey, like, I think I was like, Hey, have you been to like a lot of restaurants out here? And she's like a few, because she had had some coworkers, you know, that she could go out with whenever ah while I was were like, I was working ra remote. So she was like, Yeah, I went to this couple of spots, but I really want to try this one. And I'm like, Oh, and she's like, we should go this week before you leave or whatever. And I was like, Okay, so we plan her and I plan to go to dinner. We meet up. I remember she kind of, we were kind of dressing country because we were like both noon at Nashville. Like we were like, do we dress like country all the time? And like, just thinking back, like, duh, no, but like, and whatever. So it was so funny. So we ended up going to dinner.
00:27:18
heatherdyann
And it's ah like this really the cute spot and we just start talking about all these things and it was so good for me because not only did was she like amazing and just such a smart woman and just such like she had such an interesting life story and she's telling me about her college days and like some different guys she had met over the years and like her sister was getting married and all these things. But and like her parents like their divorce and her mom kind of flourished and you know, just so many stories and I didn't have and at this point, I hadn't really told her a ton about like my situation. um But I just was able to kind of like turn on the person that I am when I'm not just sitting at home alone.
00:28:07
heatherdyann
And I think that's why sometimes it's it's so great to re-energize at home and be alone for a while, but it's so important for us to like connect with humans, because we bring out a side of us that sometimes lays dormant when we don't have any other human to like interact and share it with. So again, that whole thing, I was like, who sent me that neighbor? One of the odds that my Airbnb neighbor would come and talk to me for 45 minutes and then end up wanting to go to dinner and her and I had a great time and quietly fast forward to, she literally texts me just ah because we kept in contact, but not like a ton. She's been in town like one other time, but she just texts me like a month ago and was like, Hey, I actually moved to Nashville. Let's get together. So like, I'm going to get to see her again.
00:29:04
heatherdyann
I'm so excited. But like, how does that even happen? How? I don't know. Like you get presented what you need always. And so those little things just only reiterated to me that if you just like let it go and let it be and trust, good things work out. So I will end this trekking through the darkness in East Tennessee, changing my outlook episode on this, another young Pueblo because I, he's amazing. It says, it was not time that healed you. It was your courage to feel everything you used to run from being with yourself and meeting your tensions is hard.
00:30:02
heatherdyann
But it is the only way to release what has been bottled up inside of you. Your pain was simply asking for your attention.
00:30:15
heatherdyann
Sometimes we have to sit in our pain. to heal from it. We have to sit in the grief, the loss, the sadness for enough to feel it and let it be released. And that feels really hard, but you can only come out the other side with um like all of that tension released and know and a brighter outlook if you do it.
00:30:51
heatherdyann
So I challenge you to to sit in some pain if if you know it's something that you need to face ah and and trust enough that once you do and you sit in it for long enough and hopefully just a brief enough time, it will leave you and you'll come out with a whole new outlook and a much brighter feeling inside.
00:31:20
heatherdyann
This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.