00:00:00
00:00:01
S2 Ep. 5: Take Nothing Personally: The Guilt in Growth
28 Plays19 days ago
This episode of Wandering the Wild Mess dives into the complex emotions of guilt and growth when relationships come to an end. Whether you’re the one leaving or the one left behind, the weight of that decision impacts us deeply. I’ve been reflecting on this, trying to unravel the feelings of guilt, sadness, and even relief. Sometimes, we evolve in ways our partners can’t, and while it’s hard to let go, there’s strength in choosing your own path—even when it hurts.
I’ll share a story that might seem unusual, comparing relationships to running a pizza shop, but trust me, it makes sense. Sometimes, you outgrow the pizza and start craving something different, and that’s okay. Listen to hear how I’ve come to terms with this in my own life, and how you can too! I’m learning so much on my self-discovery journey don’t forget to visit my website www.wanderingthewildmess.com to find the inspiring books I’m reading and find my blog, where I will explore more topics like this one!
Alexa play "Sayin' What I'm Thinkin'' by Lainey Wilson
Check out the Apple Playlist "Wandering the Wild Mess' for every song mentioned in my podcast !!!
Transcript
00:00:00
heatherdyann
To tell the truth, I'm not sure what hurts worse. To be the one who hears or the one who says these words. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here.
00:00:21
heatherdyann
In this episode, I want to talk to you about the guilt from leaving or the pain of hearing goodbye. I feel like many of us have been on both sides of those that coin or at least on one or the other.
00:00:40
heatherdyann
And gosh, it has been weighing on me lately. And the more I interact with people, the more I understand just what a life struggle it can be, not just the change in our life, but just the feeling of guilt or the feeling on the other side of like confidence. Am I good enough? Why is this happening?
00:01:09
heatherdyann
And I realized a lot of the guilt that comes along sometimes with leaving someone is that you genuinely did care for them. And you didn't want to necessarily leave them, but you knew it just wasn't going to work. And so you had to make that choice for yourself and in ways for them.
00:01:36
heatherdyann
But you feel so guilty because you didn't want to do that, but you needed to do that. Because as humans, which I think sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life we forget, we're supposed to evolve. We're supposed to grow.
00:01:57
heatherdyann
And sometimes during that process of us evolving and growing and having other ideas and dreams and goals that, that evolved over time, it just no longer lines up with the person you're with just an unfortunate truth. And some people can grow together and evolve together. And some people unfortunately can't.
00:02:24
heatherdyann
I saw this quote that said, I adored him. So I left him alone. Let him go to do what he wanted and be who he wanted to be. I love that because that's kind of how it feels when you care so much, but you know that I just need you to be able to live your life and it's just not working with what I want. And that doesn't mean I don't care or don't adore or love you in whatever ways that I do, but it just can't be for me. And as I work, as I've been working through this guilt of me leaving, I've realized that a lot of this, everything we do in life,
00:03:15
heatherdyann
is really like a self-reflection of things about us. So I'm sure you may or may not have heard before, but when people are rude to you or they do things to you, it's always a projection of things that are going on within them and it's never about you. That's why and but like the big quote that ah you know fort one of the four agreements is not to take anything personally.
00:03:39
heatherdyann
And the reason for that is because nothing that anyone does to us has anything to do with us and everything to do with them. And I know people sometimes are like, no, I mean, it's because because we all want to internalize. They did that because I'm not good enough. She left me because I wasn't this. They hurt me because I deserved it.
00:04:01
heatherdyann
because I'm not lovable. We kind of make up these ideas and that unfortunately beat our own self down about why other people did things to us and we make it about us. When at the end of the day, it's never about us. It's always about them. So just like the quote hurt people hurt people, that's what they do. So I feel like I thought about that and it's like, why did I do that? Then I feel like I hurt, you know, my ex-husband by leaving.
00:04:42
heatherdyann
And it wasn't about him though. It wasn't that he didn't do this or he didn't do that. It was really more so. I got to a point in my life where I was evolving and I needed certain things to be different. And he wasn't wanting to get to that place with me.
00:05:05
heatherdyann
And I thought of this crazy example, so I'm hoping to take you all along with me whenever you're, because I know some of these things. I think they're so fascinating and interesting, but a lot of people are like, I never thought of it that way. But this is my little in the mirror talking to myself, trying to work through this guilt. I'm thinking of it this way.
00:05:26
heatherdyann
So we have this pizza shop, right? You have this pizza shop, you and your partner and you're like, we're selling a slang and pizzas and we're doing good and it's working, but there gets to a point, you know, where you're like, I feel like I want to do something outside of just pizzas. Like we're having pizza all the time. Maybe it's not the healthiest option. Like I want to pivot into like maybe selling and rice bowls.
00:05:51
heatherdyann
And so you don't just come in and sell the rice bowls, you know, there's going to be like a transition. So you bring it up to your partner. What if we started doing rice balls every Friday? What if we only did pizza this day? that and And they may or may not be on board at the beginning thinking, yeah, OK, OK. But then over time, it's like, no, they just are comfortable slinging pizzas. They have no interest in the rice bowl space, getting into healthier options in that way. They don't want to do that.
00:06:21
heatherdyann
So at the end of the day, if your, your dream is to have rice bowls every day, sell rice bowls, the healthier option for the people. It's what you enjoy now. You kind of outgrew the pizza. You're good. If that partner is just still with the pizzas, you have a choice.
00:06:44
heatherdyann
You can either settle and slang pizzas for the rest of your life, knowing that maybe there's a possibility one day they'll say, you know what? Rice bowls was a good idea. Let's do it. But knowing the probabilities of that is pretty low. Or you could say, you know what? I don't really want to do pizzas anymore. So I might have to end this partnership so I can go sell rice bowls.
00:07:16
heatherdyann
And whatever you choose, you're making a choice. And it's not about them. It's not about them. You picked that partner to sell pizzas with, and that's what you intended to do. But in no, no, let's see, no calculated manner did you know that within 10 years you would be done with pizza and be ready to focus on rice bowls more. You didn't know.
00:07:45
heatherdyann
And it's not their fault they still wanna sell pizza. You're not mad. You just don't wanna do that anymore. And so you choose, compromise what you want for them or they compromise what they want for you because you both don't want rice bowls.
00:08:07
heatherdyann
And I know this sounds like now that I'm saying it, you guys are probably like, this is like the weird, but think about that. So me leaving was never, Oh, you're just a horrible business partner and everything about you is off and whatever. It's like, we're just not aiming for the same goals anymore. Every time a pizza gets slanged, I'm just like, I don't really, it's not exciting me. I don't, this is not the life I want anymore. And,
00:08:38
heatherdyann
Here we are. Oh, of course. um Sorry. My lovely pup is deciding to dig into his bed right now. So that's a good sound. But yeah, so sidetracked. But here we are. So that's what I would say is that I made that decision about me and my change and my growth. And it was not about them.
00:09:07
heatherdyann
And I think when we can see that when something with someone doesn't work out, it's not about you.
00:09:20
heatherdyann
If someone leaves you, it's about what they need. It's just not aligning. It's not because you're not good enough. It's just you need to find someone that wants to sell pizzas with you.
00:09:34
heatherdyann
Literally, I mean, I'm trying trying to put this as simplistic as possible. But these are the kind of thoughts that I'm going through right now in this whole I need to let go of the guilt of feeling like I let someone down. But then I also want people when I'm talking to people and they're telling me that they're not feeling like they're getting chosen when someone leaves them. And this could sometimes be people that they're like, go on three dates with and then someone will be like, I don't know, no one ever chooses me. But it's like,
00:10:15
heatherdyann
I don't know. It's not about choosing you specifically. It's more like, do we both want to sell pizzas? Do we both want it? Like there's a lot of things that go into it that are less about you as a person being attractive, kind, good, whatever. And more like, do we just align on the things that make sense for the life that we want to have?
00:10:44
heatherdyann
And so I would kind of challenge you if you're in one of those places where you're either like me and you're feeling guilty because you feel like you should have just chosen that person instead of yourself. At the end of the day, I think you just kind of always have to choose yourself. And I've talked about that a lot, even if it hurts someone else. And I, again, I totally believe in marriages that can last a long time. My grandparents celebrated their 48th year anniversary on the day my grandmother passed away. She held out until their 48th year anniversary, which was absolutely beautiful. And it gives me hope that the second time around can be just as beautiful and lengthy.
00:11:43
heatherdyann
But I think you come in knowing what you need to kind of know to make it work with someone. I think so many times we just kind of don't really think about the things that will make us happy in life. And we get so in a rush to just feel picked to feel the void and I don't know. I think at the end of the day, if you're just back in the cycle again, where you're feeling, trying to fill a void, trying to understand why you weren't picked, like if you continue in that cycle, it's never going to feel good.
00:12:30
heatherdyann
One thing that I would say while I'm on this little, I don't know, tangent of ah rice bowls and pizza is that but something that has kind of helped me a lot is the art of detachment. And I'm sharing this because I don't know if a lot of you have thought about this. but It makes life so much easier when you're just not attached to any outcome. You're all right with whatever happens regardless because it's all an external stuff. And of course, nobody wants to be left. Nobody wants to be hurt. Nobody wants things to happen in their life that are out of their control, but it just does. And when we realize that it's
00:13:21
heatherdyann
a out of our control and be just is what it is. It's just such a simpler place to be. And that's really what I'm trying to promote. I guess right now when you're wandering that mess, because I feel like even when you're hiking up the mountain,
00:13:44
heatherdyann
and it starts to rain and it's muddy and you're slipping. It's like, you didn't plan for that. You don't want that, but here we are. And you're just still going to do what you said you were going to do, regardless of your external circumstances. You're not going to stop and say, nevermind and turn back around just because something unexpected happened.
00:14:10
heatherdyann
Just like life, you can't predict the weather. You can't predict things that happen in your day to day. And that's the key piece. I feel like needs to be understood to feel more freed. It's for you to just understand. And I will tie it into a little bit of my mess that I realized that that's why after my divorce,
00:14:40
heatherdyann
You've heard the stories. I was a bit all over the place with just having a really great time and meeting a lot of people. And I think the best part of all those interactions and meeting all the people is because I had zero expectations of them, of where it was going, of what it should be. I wasn't getting attached to any kind of outcome. I was just truly enjoying every experience and what it gave me. I have gotten to do so many amazing things that I never would have if I tried to make things bigger or more relevant than they needed to be. I think when you just can be fun and just go with the flow,
00:15:36
heatherdyann
life just falls into place much easier. And we get sometimes so wrapped up in the external accolades of what we need to do and be and how we need to appear that sometimes it kind of like muddies that water for us. And it's hard to think clearly.
00:15:58
heatherdyann
And you kind of feel like maybe I'm doing this wrong. But what I realized in this journey is I feel like that's the time in my life I was doing it most right. But it's so hard not to let outside noise change your perception. So one thing I'll notice is that now being in this single world,
00:16:25
heatherdyann
if you were to spend some time with someone, I realized that people would ask like, what is it? Like they want to label things before you do, or what have they done for you? Like asking a lot of questions as if to inquire if you're in a good situation. And this could be all well to do, or it could be subconsciously um coming across wrong. But a lot of people,
00:16:56
heatherdyann
want to interfere with what you're doing instead of allowing you to just enjoy the moment.
00:17:11
heatherdyann
And I think that's probably even true with a many things. I mean, I remember once I got married, it's like, when are you going to have kids? It's like getting married wasn't enough. Now, when are you going to have kids? When are you going to buy a bigger house? When are you going to, you know, all the things like you felt like, or your next house, you felt like there was like this checklist. Like, okay, you can have a starter home. Then you need this home. Then you need kids. Then you need, you know, all of these things. And,
00:17:38
heatherdyann
I think people ask partially for conversation, but partially because that's the expectation, especially in Utah. And I realized, I realized then that like I needed to just quiet it, it didn't matter. But even more so now I've had to just realize that other people's
00:18:04
heatherdyann
Again, it's back to projecting. When people are often coming to at you with certain questions or agendas, it's really not about you. They're not trying to make you feel bad or you do that, or maybe they are, but if they are, it's because they feel bad. Again, no one that's happy is doing that.
00:18:29
heatherdyann
So you just kind of have to give them grace and just be confident enough in your own answer and your own self to just be like, all right, well, I'm going to be good answering this either way. And regardless of their interaction, I'm not going to internalize any of it because it's not about me.
00:18:49
heatherdyann
That's been an ongoing challenge for me and probably one of the biggest lessons I've learned in just meeting new people and having a whole new life in a whole new place with a ton of different personalities that I never knew before.
00:19:11
heatherdyann
And I know everyone, not everyone has that, like some people have their constant friends, but I think the other thing about that, and I'm just so very blessed with literally the absolute best friends ever back home, and I will be going to see them soon again, and I cannot wait, is, but I had, I had weeded out a number of friends prior to who I have left now.
00:19:38
heatherdyann
And I mean weed them out, not meaning that they were bad people, but again, they were on board with the pizzas of the world and I was ready for the rice bowls. So we were just not meshing anymore. And what I'll tell you that not just in relationships, but within friendships,
00:19:58
heatherdyann
Sometimes we stay in those for a really long time, even though we don't want to sell pizza anymore because it's just what we've always done. But as we want to evolve and grow, our friendships have to too, or we're not going to be able to get there.
00:20:20
heatherdyann
That in life, I think people don't give enough credit to realize that although it's great to have the same friends for a long time, and I have, there's only going to be so many of them that will grow and evolve at the same level as you. And there will be others that never will. And so you don't have to lose their friendship, but sometimes it's just a distancing thing.
00:20:46
heatherdyann
And I don't know how I'm a grown freaking woman and I'm still just realizing all these things. And maybe it's because my life just completely took um a whole like turn and I didn't even know that I would have to think about all these things again. But I still just am like,
00:21:10
heatherdyann
It's almost like am I learning like two plus two again? Like did I ever learn this? Did I forget it? Or did I just not focus on it because I was an autopilot doing my life for so long. So I'm sharing all of this with you because I don't know if these are things you think about. But what I'm trying to really get across in my biggest message is that nothing is wrong with you.
00:21:40
heatherdyann
You are great just the way you are. But of course we all have room for improvement, but you should improve for yourself. Not because someone left you, not because society's telling you to. It's because you want to. And if you don't want to, you don't have to. There's going to be somebody that will want what you're offering.
00:22:10
heatherdyann
somebody. We all have this great purpose here. And I think some of us just shift in different directions. It's kind of like we're all going to get up the mountain, but everyone's going to do it differently. And that's okay. All right, I started the song this episode, by the way, with the whole Laney Wilson song, say what I'm thinking. And I just kind of want to And that it was, I was going back to that song and I remember where I was when I first heard it. And I was driving and I was like, it was like I knew I needed to say what I was thinking.
00:22:57
heatherdyann
And I've not never been like that great at it. Like, I'm wonderful just speaking to people. I'm very curious about people's lives, and so forth. But I'm not really great at saying what I'm thinking if I feel like it might hurt someone's feelings. Because I i don't want to do that.
00:23:22
heatherdyann
But I realized sometimes honesty does hurt people's feelings if they don't realize that it's just about me. And I'm saying this is how I felt and not about them being wrong, just they perceived it differently. And so when I knew I needed to say what I was thinking to my ex-husband, the first time I really knew was when I heard that song.
00:23:52
heatherdyann
And it says, even I can't believe I'm saying what I'm thinking. And it's as if I saw the moment and when I would do it, not really clearly, but I knew. And I think in life, we often get those little moments that kind of tell us like shifted this way, go that way with the signs. And I talk about that a lot. And I think I mentioned about being home and hearing this song and knowing it's where I'm meant to be. So I would challenge you while you're wandering the mess. And I know it some for some people, this is like woo woo stuff. But look for signs.
00:24:34
heatherdyann
that you're where you're supposed to be, that about what you're supposed to do. I swear there is not been a time that I've asked for a sign and I haven't found it. So if you're confused, you're trying to find your next steps in life. You're wandering up the hill and you're like, my map is gone. I have no clue which way to go. Ask for a sign. Be specific. What do you want to see?
00:25:00
heatherdyann
or just say, give me a sign that this is what I need to do, that this is where I should go, that I'm going to be all right. I promise, whatever you believe in, I'm not here to push any agenda, but whatever you believe in, ask for a sign and you'll get it. Say what you're thinking, what you need, and it will come.
00:25:31
heatherdyann
All right, I've been enough woo woo enough. I know I've had some big promises and I, I'm still keeping them all under wraps. So more to come there. I put the books on there. I'm going to have some other things on my website. Again, wandering the wild mess.com.
00:25:51
heatherdyann
I really am so appreciative for each and every one of you to be here. I feel like lately I've been such a hype girl. I promise to get more in my vulnerability and feels I have so much more to share. I'm just in this really high vibrating this like I want you to know you're important. And every time I think about I'm not sure who's stumbling upon this podcast and to hear it. I'm just hoping it makes you feel Like you can get through another day and I hope like you're not at a low point where can I get through another day? But I think we all have those moments. So if you have that moment, save this one, come back to it. I know you love hearing stories about pizza and rice bowls that come out of the blue, but really thank you so much for being here. Thank you.
00:26:47
heatherdyann
This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.