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S2 Ep. 3: Through the Mess to Find Yourself
43 Plays1 month ago
In this episode, I explore the question, "How do we find our way?" After my life changed, I wandered down many paths—some healthy, others not so much. I turned to distractions like wine and whiskey to numb the uncertainty of not knowing who I was anymore. Through this journey, I realized that being messy and lost was essential for understanding who I didn’t want to be and discovering who I wanted to become.
I also share the story of my first date post-divorce—a messy but pivotal moment in finding my way and recognizing how easily we can slip back into old habits and the comfort of just having someone there.
Embracing the messy path taught me that transformation requires stepping out of familiar routines and trying something new. Instead of dwelling on what might have been, I've learned to see everything as part of the journey toward becoming who we're meant to be.
Alexa Play "Put me in my place" by Muscadine Bloodline
Next in queue:
- "Can't turn you down" by Jon Pardi
- "Can't tell you no" by Muscadine Bloodline
- "How do I do this" by Kelsea Ballerini
Transcript
Finding One's Way - A Daily Struggle
00:00:01
heatherdyann
How do I find my way? A question I ask myself daily, and you probably have too. So how? But maybe it's not finding our way. Maybe the way is found when we find ourselves. But how do we do that?
Welcome to 'Wandering the Wild Mess'
00:00:24
heatherdyann
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here. Wow.
Struggles and Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
00:00:34
heatherdyann
Finding my way has been really everything that I've been going through the last few years. And there are so many ways I tried to find my path after my life changing.
00:00:50
heatherdyann
And if I'm honest, a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms were probably at the top of the list. Like I talked about wine and whiskey and just not really knowing what I'm doing.
00:01:05
heatherdyann
And I didn't know who I was anymore. So it just seemed easier to them. Right. And I think a lot of us can relate to that feeling of I just don't want to worry about this. So we're just going to like do whatever we want.
Embracing Messiness for Growth
00:01:22
heatherdyann
But what I found was I wasn't who I was and I had to become who I didn't know I had to become this messy person to realize who I don't want to be. And so let's get into this episode really about sometimes, is it really unnecessary to be messy sometimes? I think we have to because it becomes a lesson in learning who we want to become.
00:02:01
heatherdyann
and therefore we give ourselves grace. Life has phases where we're proud of our decisions and then we wish we could take others back. But what if the decisions that we sometimes wish we could take back are exactly what we needed to do to become the person who will make the right decisions when it really matters?
Living in the Present
00:02:26
heatherdyann
I know we all put so much energy often into what would have been, what could have been if this, if that, but I don't think we put enough into what if this is exactly where I'm supposed to to be. Don't worry about what you could have changed in the past. You could have done this differently. If you would have done this, if you would have said that, if you would have went here, all those things, you didn't.
00:02:53
heatherdyann
But what if you weren't supposed to? Because you wouldn't be right here right now in a position to make some of the best decisions in your life. I'd like you to just sit and think about that for just a moment. Because the exciting ah ah most exciting the excitingness i'm like ah ah toddler the most exciting thing about life really is just that we don't know what's next.
00:03:21
heatherdyann
And I talk about that a lot. And I think when we just kind of let go of the past, we make room for a better future. And I want to kind of go back into when I because as I continue to evolve, and I appreciate all of you on this journey with me, I hope you're taking some of this from you. And if you're in the middle of your mess right now in your life, or if you're just starting out like leaving a town leaving a relationship, leaving something, these can just be the moments that you understand that like,
Temptation of Unhealthy Coping
00:03:59
heatherdyann
When you're at your lowest, it is so easy to pick your vices or things that feel comfortable or things that help you cope. And some of those things and might not be your healthiest choices.
00:04:12
heatherdyann
I would say if I could go back to my newly separated self, I would have said, Heather, you need to just do some different things. I know I could have been much worse. So I'll i'll give myself grace there. But I also am like, no, maybe I had to go through those things the way that I did to have the view that I do today.
Learning from the Past
00:04:37
heatherdyann
And I'll tell you a little messy story that I haven't mentioned yet, weirdly. And I'm realizing the more I've evolved to, and I don't know if anyone can relate to this, that the more you can evolve, the more you're all right with kind of like letting the past go. And so sometimes I feel like in these podcast episodes, I'm bringing up a lot of my past, but I really want to use it as like a learning for other people or just sharing my experiences.
00:05:04
heatherdyann
because I think sometimes we can kind of go, Oh, yeah, I never thought about that. And believe me, I overthink enough for most of my friends. So they're like, Oh, I love that perspective. Never saw it that way. Of course, because I looked at it probably from every angle. But I'm really getting to a point where I'm like wanting to move a lot of this behind me, but I want to use it as a tool for other these others to like see that just we're kind of going through similar things in life and it's okay to not get it at the beginning but learn from it. So that's why I'm kind of rehashing a little bit of my past but also just because I never would have even known this would be my story.
Dating After Divorce
00:05:46
heatherdyann
So while trying to find my way
00:05:52
heatherdyann
Heather in Utah goes on her first date after being divorced and then done I figured this would because I look back on this not often but will get into it. But this person has recently resurfaced. So I like hear a lot of like women say like, they always come back. And I never really like knew what that meant. Because again, I was married, and I didn't really have any single friends in Utah. So like, now I'm getting a like, you know, if you're like dating someone for a minute, then they like come back into your life later, like, Oh, youre you still around? You want me still, I guess or something. And And I mean, I'm sure it goes both ways. Men and women do this, I guess. But this person has recently resurfaced and it's just a whole different view and in speaking with them now. And so it kind of reminded me. But this is the wild story of what am I thinking my first date in Utah since being separated. So let's get into it.
00:07:04
heatherdyann
So how we even get to meeting this man, I told you that I'm not like a big like an apps girl or doing that and it's just not for me. So I and of course I'm not doing it in Utah like we have already discussed like I can't be on there. But this guy and I might have I didn't really tell his full story. Maybe I mentioned him this guy. It was me and my friends back in Utah. Love them all have ah ah what's called Bunko.
00:07:33
heatherdyann
And like ah ah girls get together. There's 12 of us. And it's like a dice game. So it's kind of like a poker game for girls. But it's not really like gambling. And you go to different people's houses every month and get prizes. I mean, if you're from Utah, you've probably heard of it. I don't know i don't know anyone that plays it out here in Tennessee. But I'm sure there's people.
00:07:54
heatherdyann
Anyways, it's a women's dice game and we drink. Growing up my mom was in one but it was Mormon like a Mormon group. I thought it was a Mormon game but I think it's not but they didn't drink obviously. So we created a drinking one And the night of Bunko during my separation, I needed these girls' nights so bad. So I was pretty excited. But the the second time that we were going through or what one of the times that we had our mediation, me and my ex-husband, the Bunko night landed on that night. And that mediation was so mentally exhausting and draining.
Emotional Toll of Mediation
00:08:36
heatherdyann
that I was just like, I should probably not even drink after this because I'm going to be a wreck because it was just took so much out of me to even do that process. And so I remember showing up to, and this is like a September in Utah, like fall weather. And I show up after just like a heart wrenching day to Bunko in some leggings and a sweatshirt and some Nikes, like not dressed to go out afterwards. Cause often we would go out after, and just, you know, have a girl's night. Cause we were already at someone's house drinking. So we'd all Uber together and go somewhere.
00:09:13
heatherdyann
I was I told one of my girls back home like I'm not going out tonight. I know it's not going to be a vibe for me. I'm too mentally exhausted tip from today. She's like, Yeah, it's fine. Well, tequila had other plans. Of course. And so we're drinking tequila. And the next thing you know, everyone's like, let's go out.
00:09:31
heatherdyann
So, and I'm just, I mean, it it was such an emotional, I mean, I probably cried at the Bongo, like it was just whatever, but we did, I'm like, fine when in Rome. And this is what I'm talking about. Finding our way is and making messes and making poor decisions sometimes. And that was part of my journey if I'm honest and real with myself. So I'm like, okay, let's go. We get to this bar.
00:09:57
heatherdyann
that night.
Night Out and New Connections
00:09:58
heatherdyann
I'm just feeling it like I'm dancing. I'm tequila drunk and and just trying to be in this whole headspace I meet so many random men at this bar, like probably because I'm just happy. And so my friends are all playing like good cop, bad cop, like I've never been the single friend and, you know, all of them are married. So they're just kind of like watching over me as I'm just dancing and, you know, um know, um at this bar and having men, I'm having men buy me drinks and them drinks. And I don't even mean to be this girl. I'm not having them. I guess they're just doing it. I never have.
00:10:36
heatherdyann
but So it's just a crazy night. Well, at the end of the night, there's one guy and he comes up to me and we start talking. And I really don't. I i remember asking him because he's brought it up again. I was like, well, what's your name? And he tells me and we'll call him.
00:10:53
heatherdyann
Asphalt.
00:10:58
heatherdyann
I don't know what to call them asphalt it is. So asphalt like what do you like what we're just talking and then I say can you build something?
00:11:10
heatherdyann
And he was like, can I build stuff? Like what? That's like a random. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, yeah, I can build things. Like I like concrete. Like I can build things. Maybe we'll call them concrete instead. And he I was like, okay, well, that's good. That's all we need. Literally. So this is me. So I ended up like giving him my number. And I think I text something like, I'm glad you can build things. Like this is the mindset that I'm in at this time.
Texting 'Concrete' and Anxiety
00:11:39
heatherdyann
you know, he's probably like great. So we go home, we have a night. I mean, I feel like it was just a mess of a time, but I give myself grace and I hear from him like the next day and I'm like, Oh my gosh, concrete. Like I don't even really remember talking to him that well, whatever. But I had s slept on my friends at my friend's house that night. So in the morning I had gotten like several texts and I remember I was like,
00:12:04
heatherdyann
Oh, do you guys remember this guy that, you know, whatever. And they're like, Oh yeah, we liked concrete the best. That that's the one you should talk to. And I was like, Oh, well, he can build things. Which I don't even know why I'm talking to them. Because at this point, like I know this, I don't even know again, looking back, I don't know what I was doing. I literally think like, did I have a game plan? The game plan was no, no game plan.
00:12:35
heatherdyann
So I, but I don't, I don't think I write concrete back immediately. I just am like, man, whatever. Like I'm not really interested in anything. So I would just leave it be. Well, then like, I think a few more days goes by, go by. And he texts again and say, says something that I actually thought was pretty charming, which I don't really know what charming is anymore. But I, I thought it was, it was like, all right, when can I, when can I get you or when can I pick you up or no?
00:13:04
heatherdyann
It was something like, when can I take you to get food and feed you? I don't know something, but it was, I guess I don't remember it. So maybe it was cuter in my head originally. Well, I was like, all right, that seems like a little direct. You know what you want. Okay, whatever. So we kind of go back and forth and I'm like, I can't do, I can't go on a date. And I'm talking to my girl and I'm like,
00:13:29
heatherdyann
I can't go on a date. like We're going to go on a date. like I can't. like What if I end up seeing my ex? Do I want to go on a date? I don't even know how to go on a date. like What do you do? but we you know and she was She was my one divorced friend, so she's kind of given me. like She dated for a minute between her partners. so She kind of had some tips, but I was like, I don't know if I want to do a date.
00:13:52
heatherdyann
So she's like, well, you're going to have to have one eventually. So why not do one while you're still in Utah and just give it a whirl. Like you're gonna have to rip the band aid off basically.
00:14:03
heatherdyann
And I was like, okay. So I, I tell him, yes. And I, he asked where we should go. And I'm trying to think of like somewhere far from where I normally am so that we wouldn't run into anybody that I know. So it's kind of more on the other side of the Valley.
00:14:25
heatherdyann
And so we decide on this place that I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to run into too many people, if anyone I know, because even at this time, like I'm not really being open about, you know, it's not like common knowledge that we're getting divorced. We're separated, but it's been a few months, June, July, August, September. This is like end of September. So it's been like four months and we go to this place, sit down and I'm like, but before we get there, sorry,
00:14:55
heatherdyann
Let me just tell you, I am like, what am I doing? I had these like whole like moments of I can't go on a date. I don't even know what that is anymore. It was so overwhelming for me to even think about the idea of it.
00:15:18
heatherdyann
I know Kelsey Ballerini had it that song and I felt that to the core because getting ready, I was like, what am I doing?
00:15:28
heatherdyann
And I feel like that's like another level in the whole grief process where you're like, wow, I'm going out on a date with another man.
00:15:42
heatherdyann
Like, it feels wrong. It doesn't feel like what I'm supposed to be doing.
00:15:48
heatherdyann
But I knew it was over and she was right about the Band-Aid. And I thought, if not him, someone else, so I might as well. So we go, we meet, it does actually end up feeling very natural. And after a a lot of conversation and me being very like, I'm always a curious mind, I learned that I'm very different in that way, because I was never dating people forever.
00:16:18
heatherdyann
And so now I'm like, I'm not interrogating you because I am trying to like find this certain man. It's more like I'm just like a curious person. If this was like someone else that I wasn't on a date with, I'd probably ask the same types of questions. But we're talking in the next thing you know he's like I want to go dancing with you let's go dancing and I'm like okay so we end up going to like the only country bar in
00:16:50
heatherdyann
Texas or Texas in Salt Lake and we go dancing and it's just we're just hitting it off. Everything's like vibing. We're literally feeling like the best like we've already known each other. It's really weird. I'm kind of freaked out by it to be honest because I am like, is it supposed to feel this easy? Is it supposed to be like this?
00:17:14
heatherdyann
Well, fast forward a little bit. I learned that like during this day and now I'm like taking this in as someone that is doing this and been there that like he was still living with his ex girlfriend at the time. She was like getting an apartment and moving out, but they were still living together. And I kind of thought that was weird, but I'm like, I'm still technically married. So I guess it's fair.
Connecting Through Music
00:17:46
heatherdyann
And at the time, it's not like I'm marrying this guy, so I don't i don't care. But then I realized that like in retrospect, probably a man that still had a woman living in his house He hadn't not been like a partner that long. And so maybe you just naturally, two people that have just been in long-term relationships as of recently, it's easy just to connect with someone and just play that part again. These are all things I had no idea in this moment, but I'm thinking about that.
00:18:24
heatherdyann
And so him and I end up continuing to spend time together. And I remember that one thing that really got me probably more involved than I would have been is that he would send, I'm like a big diehard music lover and he loved music too and country music. And so he would send me songs.
00:18:50
heatherdyann
throughout the day. And they would just be like very like the lyrics were just amazing, like stuff that I would just want to hear. Or, you know, the one song that I think of he sent me put me in my place by Mascadine Bloodline. And there's like a line that says, okay, let me the line says I was selfish unprepared. I can't blame you if you're scared. But believe me, you're the girl that I've been needing.
00:19:20
heatherdyann
It's kind of like in the whole song. I mean, it's just so there was a lot of that. And then Can't Turn You Down by John Partey. You're a don't touch red button. I want to push a bad for me that feels so good, like just so many things. So and this vulnerable mind state I'm in.
00:19:41
heatherdyann
and these lyrics, everything's just like bringing me in. But I knew I was moving, that I wasn't gonna stay in Utah. And like, I didn't necessarily like want to be this man's girlfriend or anything. So I don't really know what I was doing. You know?
00:19:59
heatherdyann
So, but he was just all about it. And I remember one night after we had left the bar, we were sitting there listening to music in his truck for like a good amount of time. And he was like, out of the blue, he was like, do you think you could fall in love with me? And I was like,
00:20:20
heatherdyann
I didn't even know what to say. I'm blank and then, well, I don't really know you that well yet, maybe, but like it's a little soon for that. Like I got like really kind of weird and I think that was like probably, you know, but when I think back on it, I remember another time that the girlfriend was moving out and he's like, and then you can move right in.
00:20:49
heatherdyann
or not move in, sorry, then you could be over all the time. And I was like, well, don't you want your own space for a minute? Because she just barely moved out.
00:21:00
heatherdyann
You know, and in the moment, these are all things that I'm like, I realize it's weird. But yet here you are. And here I still am. Like here you are saying them and here I still am.
00:21:14
heatherdyann
And I'm saying all this to say like, eventually this fizzled my life. I was going to Tennessee. I went in December of 2022 and it was just kind of not, it was just fizzling out. i Like he knew, I mean, I remember him saying like, well, what about me going to Tennessee? And me being like,
00:21:37
heatherdyann
No, it kind of just fizzled out like that. But the interesting part was
00:21:47
heatherdyann
I realize that when we're trying to find ourselves sometimes or find our way, instead of finding ourselves, we look to find our way in other people. So we could just pick back up where we were before instead of reinventing or finding who we are. We're searching for those things through someone else.
Seeking Identity Post-Breakup
00:22:18
heatherdyann
Because when you leave what you've always known, you lose this identity. And especially when it's like divorce or a breakup, like now you're no longer a partner, a wife, a husband, whatever. And so to be back in a partnership, you can just go back into that comfortability of what you've always known. And you feel like you've kind of found yourself again, because that's who you've been.
00:22:48
heatherdyann
But that's not necessarily a way to kind of self-reflect and think of why this happened, I guess. Because any relate like there are people, I'm sure, that relationships end and you're just a great person and they're a great person and they just doesn't work out. But I would like to argue that it's more the latter where Both people have a lot of things that they could go back into that relationship and say, I could have been better here. I could have done this differently. I could have reacted differently. And it's not to say, well, what if I would have done that? We could have stayed together. What if I would have been that? Well, you can't do that because you didn't do that. But what you can reflect on is moving forward, I'm going to do this differently.
00:23:44
heatherdyann
But if you don't give yourself that break, you're unwilling to kind of step back and say, how do I need to? How do I find me again? Because we all know we lose ourself a little in relationships. And finding who you are again will help you find the right partner for you later.
00:24:14
heatherdyann
When you're ready, if you're ever ready, you're probably never ready. We're probably never ready, but we can be more ready than others. And I don't personally think you're ready when you're still getting tequila drunk and barely remembering more than to ask, do you build something? Can you build things to a guy at the bar?
00:24:41
heatherdyann
That's probably not, that's probably not the shining moment for you or for anyone to kind of find their person. And so I would like to kind of throw it out there if you're thinking about finding your way. Is that Allow yourself some grace to be a little messy, but there kind becomes a point in time where you have to say, is this really serving what I want for myself and my life?
00:25:19
heatherdyann
Or do I want to take the time to kind of look within and find myself so that I can find my way? Because if you don't know who you really are, how do you know where to go next?
Becoming Who You Want to Be
00:25:34
heatherdyann
How do you know what decisions to make? You have to know and go, okay, this is who I want to be.
00:25:40
heatherdyann
This is the person that I want to be. Write a list, all the things. What is this person like? What does this person do? What does this person act like? When does this person wake up? What does this person eat? How often does this person drink? All of those things. And then when you think about that person, the actions that that person takes are what you have to do to become them.
00:26:09
heatherdyann
But if we're so okay with just staying the person we've always been, then our way is going to be the way that it's always been. How we find our way is staying the same and probably finding someone to just feel the void and something to numb the pain of not knowing.
00:26:37
heatherdyann
And I think some people will always stay in that place.
00:26:43
heatherdyann
Some people will always just look for the next thing to fill the void instead of feeling the void within themselves.
00:26:51
heatherdyann
And I can't blame anyone because I get it. It's hard to self reflect and be like, it's me. Hi, I'm the problem. It's me or my actions are the problem or these patterns. I get it. When you have to take a good hard look in the mirror and be like, what am I doing?
00:27:13
heatherdyann
It's a lot. And even as I tell these stories to y'all, I think like what a messy AF. And I'm not even giving you all the details, but I just know that I had to go through these things to be like, I'm not that girl. I'm not going to end up with a man as kind as he was to me. He was a sweetheart and I know he means the best. And when I talked to him again recently, which is crazy because, you know, he of course quickly got a girlfriend after I moved and moved in with her. And of course he did. I'm asking these like, I already would have known.
00:27:57
heatherdyann
Because, you know, he and I even straight up asked him because at this point, I don't care. I mean, he called me out of the blue. I had just decided to answer because I literally was like, what is this man going to say? And I mean, he wants to come visit me, of course, because his girlfriend and him broke up. But but he I literally said, well, do you think that you were just trying to like cope with, you know, you don't want to deal with the reality, you just want to fill that void. And he kind of stops and listens for a minute and he's like, yeah, probably.
00:28:37
heatherdyann
At least he's honest. And I think sometimes we like the idea of evolving and growing and getting better. But at the end of the day, we're like,
00:28:49
heatherdyann
yeah We're just going to stay right here where we know what it's like. And that's kind of a human way. So again, I can't blame, but think about that the next time you're making decisions in your life. Cause I often have to stop myself and think like that. It's almost as simple as like just the, the memory of your subconscious mind of the things you always do. And if you normally go to the same restaurant for lunch every day,
00:29:19
heatherdyann
Which, yes. And you're like, I might try that new place tomorrow. But then tomorrow comes and you're like, no, I'm just going to stick with what I know because you just don't want to see. I mean, the Italian place could be your new favorite spot. It could be way better. It could be the most amazing thing. It could be whatever. But you're like, no, I know what I'm going to get here. So it feels safer. I just I'm going to stick to what I know.
00:29:49
heatherdyann
I feel like there's two types of people in life. There's the people that do that and are seemingly could feel happy with that. And then there's the people that realized that doing the same thing every day that doesn't really give them happiness. It just gives them the comfort of knowing what to expect isn't ever going to be a life they want to
00:30:17
heatherdyann
write home about, I guess, be proud of, have anyone, you know, it's just not the life path they want to take. So when you think about finding your way, think about the decisions you make every single day, because those are which direction you go.
Choosing Comfort vs. Growth
00:30:40
heatherdyann
Are you going to take a new path and try something new?
00:30:46
heatherdyann
branch out, allow yourself to sit in the discomfort of being alone or not having some backup plan to something or not having that drink when that's what you feel like in the moment or are you gonna just lack any kind of discipline and yourself and just say, eh, you only live once I'm going to do the same thing over and over. I don't think either is wrong. It's not my place to judge that. But I realized the more that I look at the life that I want to have, I see more value in sitting in the discomfort and being a little more disciplined with myself now.
00:31:33
heatherdyann
than I do in just leaning into the comfort of everything that I've always known. Cause I don't, and in the other regard, like I don't want to be someone's, someone's, well, I need someone so, and you're there.
00:31:53
heatherdyann
I want someone to feel complete in themselves and maybe like this bonus addition to their already fulfilling life. And so if I want that from somebody, I have to be that because somebody like that isn't going to pick somebody like me if I'm not doing those same things.
00:32:20
heatherdyann
If I'm just going through the motions of life and doing the bare minimum and I have no discipline and I'm just, then that person's not going to see me in the way that it just will look different. And there's a lot of realizations there. A lot of reflections back on things that I realized that I'm so glad
00:32:45
heatherdyann
didn't work out or worked out the way they did so that I could be in a better position. So what I will say as when you're trying to find your way, allow the lessons to tell you where you want to go. If what you take from something is just that onto the next, then you're probably the kind that just wants to sit in the same patterns.
00:33:13
heatherdyann
But if you're really willing to sit in the discomfort and go, what did I learn from this and what actions can I change?
00:33:21
heatherdyann
Then I feel like your way will be harder because you have to figure it out along the way, but you'll have more insight. So it'll all work out like it always does.
Self-Reflection Resources and Farewell
00:33:35
heatherdyann
I'm going to link some books, by the way, to my website, wanderingthewildmess.com, because I've been overly reading lately, like I think I mentioned before. So I would love if you're in this headspace of like maybe wanting to get a little self-reflection, wanting to think about yourself. I get it. It's hard. Sometimes I, I'm going to be real with y'all. Sometimes I want a drink just thinking about it.
00:34:03
heatherdyann
Because it is so hard to look at yourself and go, what do I need to fix, change, improve, whatever. But if you want to, I'm going to make it available so that you all can see where my mind's going with all of these things and hopefully will help you in any way it can.
00:34:27
heatherdyann
So I'll end this by saying how I always do. Thank you so much for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.