Transcript
heatherdyann: Nobody wins afraid of losing and the hard roads are the ones worth choosing. Welcome to wandering the wild mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here. Today I want to talk about something that's been weighing on my mind those first lines that I intro'd with were song lyrics to Chris Dapleton's Starting Over. And Starting Over has been something that I have been very much thinking about lately because I'm in a place where I realize more than ever I don't know what I'm doing. And I think
heatherdyann: It sounds wild to say it out loud as a grown woman that should, but it's been something that I've been thinking about. very often because I think I don't I feel like I'm a little bit duped and I don't know if I'm the only one I please say I'm not that there's like this thought that I had that there was just going to be and some point in time where I'd understand it all and would figure out and it would just come to me and I've said that before but it continues to weigh on my mind because
heatherdyann: I think about growing up and how we're all like these are the things and we're like waiting for everything to make sense and it kind of just doesn't but it's not negative and I never want to think of it that way but I was reflecting back into my marriage recently and I've held a lot of guilt for not being, I don't know, a better partner for some of the time. And I realized one of the reasons that I probably, well, there's probably many reasons, but one of the the reasons that I wasn't the partner I aspire inspire to be moving forward and is because
heatherdyann: I just took life so seriously and I think sometimes we get fixated on this image of having it all together and all these things that if anything disrupts that image or our expectations or the picture we're trying to paint and then it doesn't go as planned We have these like expectations and they're just really just so extreme that instead of just letting things roll off our shoulder and being like, okay, and like laughing with your partner like, well, I guess that's not how it was supposed to go. It's like, how could you ruin this idea that I had and I thought it was gonna go this way? And there's all this blame of like this other person was supposed to make everything
heatherdyann: perfectly and exactly how you thought it should be and make it easy all the time. And I 100 % agree that your partner should make life feel better, but they're never going to be able to be perfect. And they're never going to be able to read your mind and do exactly what you're thinking they should do without you telling them. And that's just never going to be something. and i think like growing up, I saw my parents in a very loving and caring relationship. But I think that if I could, I don't know, they were a whole different personality because I was gonna say I think if I could talk to my dad now, he'd be like, I just kind of
heatherdyann: my mom's great but he probably he was very patient and just kind of let her do her thing and let her you know get upset about things and just kind of let it be um but and she wasn't at all like me i mean she was rarely upset about things and they weren't the same kind of things that i allowed to creep in my marriage for me to get upset about but i'm just saying that uh I didn't really see a ton of conflict with them. So I think I anticipated the same. And although we didn't have like a lot of conflict, I think maybe not seeing conflict, I didn't really know how to communicate
heatherdyann: calmly how I felt about things that made me not feel good. And I think
heatherdyann: He probably, and I don't want to speak for him, but how it felt in the relationship was almost as if it was just easy for him to pretend that it was just going to be fine because I was really, I i could get a little upset in a moment and then I was like over it. So it was just easier to just not address and be like, she's going to get over it. And.
heatherdyann: We learn so much from how we see things in our childhood, which is crazy to me to think about now that I'm starting over because I didn't realize that so much until I continue to get older. And I just like would learn things about my ex and how his family was and how that impacted things that he would do. And I started to notice the same for me. But I think you're always trying to kind of like not be in those thoughts because they seem overwhelming to like think about why does this bother me? Why does this trigger me? Why is this something? And I wish I would have been more mindful of those things.
heatherdyann: But especially when you get with someone really young, I think you're growing up together and you just don't realize all of the things that need to happen or the ways you need to communicate. So like I thought of this analogy the other day And I hope it's helpful for anyone thinking about you know a future with someone or in one today or starting over like me. Really, it was like we were building this house, but we didn't know how to build one.
heatherdyann: So we were just like, we've kind of seen people do it. He's seen his parents, I've seen mine, seen, you know, some family members and other couples of our our friends of our parents, like we'll figure this out. And we're just picking up, you know, we're building this house. And we we eventually we get there, we're married, the house is built, here we are. And then as we're living in it,
heatherdyann: we're like, oh, dang it. You know, we probably should have done this. The foundation's not really that stable because we didn't know that we needed to do X, Y, and Z. So should we go back and fix that? And then we're just like, no, it'll be fine. No, it'll be fine. And so every time something that we built the foundation of when we'd had no idea what we're doing, is falling apart or kind of breaks or isn't working how it should. We're just like, eh, it'll be fine. The house is still standing.
heatherdyann: And then one person says, Hey, you know what? Maybe we should pick work on this, this weekend. It's probably a good idea. It looks like it's gonna fall over soon. And the other person's like, it's fine. It'll be fine.
heatherdyann: and until the whole house just starts to crumble. And there's just so much work that's been pushed aside that needs to be done in order for that house to even stay put. I mean, it's literally could crash down at any time. And I think that's what it feels like to be and build a marriage or relationship when you aren't willing to address that sometimes you build things the wrong way and you have to go back and fix them.
heatherdyann: or otherwise you're just going to have a whole bunch of leaky faucets and ah I don't know anything about building houses but you know things broken in the foundation that you are going to have to fix or it's like at this point like Should we just, should I just get a new house? Like let someone else, I mean, I think it's a wash at this point and and that's kind of what it felt like. And I feel bad even saying it because I know so many people are great at putting so much work into their marriage and and they have the time and love and desire to fix up that pretty much condemned home.
heatherdyann: But I think other people just go, I don't know if I could put in another few years trying to fix this falling apart house with this person that now I've built up so much resentment because they didn't want to help me fix it for so long. And now it's falling apart. And it's not all their fault. And it's not all mine. I mean, we both built the house together. We both chose not to fix it together. And then when it's it's that much falling apart and someone raises their hand and says, okay, fine, I'm ready to fix it after the other person wants to move out. It's kind of like,
heatherdyann: Once you made that decision to let the house go, you're not going to make the decision very likely to come back in and start fixing it.
heatherdyann: But I get it. You might now be ready to just buy another house right after that. You're like, oh, that was a lot of work. I just got a rent for a minute and figure out my life before I find another house to build with someone, if that's even a thought at the moment. And I think anything in life, when you start building it and you don't really know what you're doing, always have to fix things along the way. And I think about that even in business, like working for the large corporations that I had, so many processes, if they just would have, we implement, right? We don't know what we don't know, but then you just got to go back in and fix them once you find the mistake or otherwise it just becomes ginormous. And then like a much bigger and harder and more difficult project.
heatherdyann: And so many times it just seems like putting the bandaid on is the right way to do it. And be like, ah, it'll be fine. But it, it's never, it's, it's, you gotta, you gotta stop and do the work when the work needs to be done. And so I'm working so hard on that and understanding that that's how it needs to be. and reflecting back on knowing that I just didn't know what I didn't know. But just like anything else that breaks, I mean, you can walk away and you can get a new one. You can try to fix it. Like you have so many options and you just have to choose the right thing for you.
heatherdyann: I would be someone that would have said before I was divorced that you should try to work it out through whatever. But now I have completely understand as I wander through this wild mess that some things are just not meant for us. And that and knowing that and trusting that what's not meant for us will leave us and what's meant for us will stay. makes life not that serious. Cause it's like, all right, something's better is on the way. And so every time I would beat myself up over not trying harder or doing more, or I would get upset in my relationship about some, you know, him not meeting certain expectations, like that anger didn't change a thing.
heatherdyann: that didn't anger doesn't change anyone's behavior and it sure doesn't make a situation any better. Literally all it does is tells you that you need to create a boundary. So if you just keep getting angry without creating a boundary, then it's always just going to be a thing. You're always going to be mad because you're not even the whomever you're mad at doesn't even know why. I don't know why I was insane for so long to not realize that. Like it's kind of crazy to even think about. And I'm definitely not blaming me. I think I'm just blaming, I don't think I'm blaming anyone. I think that's just life. And we're all, like I said, like wandering this wild mess and we're like trying our best. And it doesn't even matter. We we get older and wiser, but we don't get perfect.
heatherdyann: We still have things that we're not going to know and we're not going to have faced yet and it's going to be new and we're going to have to learn. But if we choose to just pick anger and resentment and all these things, instead of just like life happens. And I'm not saying anger can't be valid and a feeling and emotion like people can still hurt you, but just think it doesn't really change.
heatherdyann: where you're going. I want to tell you how much I'm so trusting in everything always working out. Because I hope that as you wander this wild mess, you realize that it's just not that serious and we're going to make it up the mountain. How far or how high up the mountain we get depends on how many years we have left in this life, but we're going to make it up as long as we keep going. The only way that we don't is if we stop.
heatherdyann: And we don't know what's in store. I'm trying to really right now in this piece where I'm starting over, I've been doing so much soul searching to just try to understand what is supposed to happen now.
heatherdyann: I think it was so necessary for me to have this moment in time to kind of reflect back because I think and I'm no judgment that I knew um other people that just jumped into relationship and relationship um and going from a marriage to another relationship. And I don't think that I, I think if I did that, I wouldn't have had this like awakening that I had. to really understand that I have to absolutely love my life and myself. We all do. we're That is the key I've learned to the happiest life possible. It's for you to really feel like you are the love of your life.
heatherdyann: And you don't have to be the only love of your life, but you have got to at least be one of them.
heatherdyann: If you love who you are, what you're doing, what life brings you, who you choose to spend your time with, theyll the times that you order yourself a coffee in the morning, your favorite one, just because you love yourself. I'm treating myself. Those moments where you take time to do something that you enjoy and you just love doing things for yourself.
heatherdyann: I think a lot of people get worried like, oh, people are going to be alone. They don't know how to like be in relationships anymore. it's
heatherdyann: I mean, I guess that's not some people. I don't know. I read way too many comments because I'm very interested in human. what What random strangers that I don't even know are just deciding to comment, I guess. And I feel like there's like this weird like either people are like, oh, love is dead. This, you know, that doesn't exist anymore. But I don't really think that that's true. I think what's really been the challenge is that people have, and maybe not everyone, but the focus needs to be on just truly loving yourself.
heatherdyann: And then realizing that love is the most beautiful and powerful thing in this whole world. And so loving another human is just an extension of the the amazing feeling it is to love yourself.
heatherdyann: Isn't that kind of wild to think about? Like, love is just a really scary emotion, though. And I think that and I saw this the other day, I shouldn't steal it. And yes, it was a tick tock, but it was so um so true. Like, she was just saying, like, what, you know, I met someone I really like him, but like, what if it doesn't work out? And it's like, What if it doesn't, but what if it does? And we all know that, but like, if it doesn't, something's better. And I realized that about everything in life. Every opportunity or everything has always worked out as it should, even when I didn't realize at the time why, even when in the moment it was devastating.
heatherdyann: It still ended up working out.
heatherdyann: I have a story that I feel like I should share. And I'll keep it as high level as possible because you're still here listening at this point in the the podcast. But in my marriage, there was something that I so badly wanted.
heatherdyann: And it became something that I don't even know if I wanted it or I wanted the picture of it to be. And it was something that got taken away from me a couple of times. And I didn't really understand. And I remember so many tears and emotions just overwhelming me all the time. I remember everywhere I was when any of this information was just coming to me. I remember everything so vividly and when I think back.
heatherdyann: And this came this happened like throughout the marriage. And so when I think about just such ah an overwhelmingly emotional roller coaster of things going on that really no one knew about and really no one was to blame -ish
heatherdyann: I just realized how much I so badly wanted those things in that moment. And now fast forward realizing that everything would be so different if I had them. And I'm not sure that's what I should have had.
heatherdyann: And I'm completely and utterly okay with that now. My heart is at peace. I think my mind just gets overwhelmed thinking about what could have been. And secondly, more so just, you know, the, the pain and the disappointment that we go through in life sometimes.
heatherdyann: But it worked out.
heatherdyann: It worked out. And I know now more than ever, and at that time, you know, it's so hard to see it that way when you're in it. But if you start realizing that that's always the case, you can still feel discouraged or sad or upset in those moments, but trusting that
heatherdyann: It's going to work out how it's supposed to. You don't have to know how, but it will.
heatherdyann: And that just takes so much weight off. I'm not saying like hard things happen, I get it. And you're like, that doesn't even make any sense. But I've never been more sure in my life that the right things at the right time happen for the right reasons. But we just have to trust. And believe me, I was not someone that came into this life being like, yeah, I just trust. I mean, I grew up,
heatherdyann: Mormon and I remember you know going to church every Sunday with my family and there's all this talk about the Holy Ghost and I remember um they would talk about having a testimony and I'm probably like Literally like I was that kid. I'm probably like 12 at the time. And I remember like asking my dad. So dad, like everyone at church has a testimony. When am I getting one of those?
heatherdyann: And he's like, you'll get one when, you know, when the time's right, you'll know. And I remember just I kept waiting and I kept asking questions like, you know, like, wait, so this guy was in the woods and he found these golden plates. And, you know, and so I'd out in the in the teacher would be, oh, my gosh, I get this girl out of here. um And I'm a very logical child and nothing really made sense. the way that I was expected to. And I remember talking about my family to my family about this, like even my grandfather. I remember before he passed away and he was very strong in his belief of the church. And I said, well, grandpa, what if you find out tomorrow that the church isn't even true and you did all these things and you did what they said? And he said, well, even if I find out that the church isn't true,
heatherdyann: I would still feel like this is the right way to live. So I'd be okay with it.
heatherdyann: and i I think I didn't realize then, I mean, I knew his faith was so strong and I think I was probably 16 at the time and just envious of someone being so sure of something that that's the way they wanted to live. Maybe not envious at 16 per se, but the more I thought about it as I got older. And now when I think back, it's like faith and trust that it all works out is is kind of where it's at. I think that's just where you find your happiest place in your peace because you bring more love into the world because you trust that it's okay and you let go of more anger.
heatherdyann: and you make decisions knowing that it'll work out as it should. ah You don't try to force things in your life because you trust what's meant for you will stay. It's just such a different and much more peaceful place to be. So as I wrap up this episode, I just want to say that starting over, has been one of the scariest things I've ever done. And it continues to be scary. But I know that I'm exactly where I need to be. So if you're worried that you don't know where you're at or where you should be, or you're not you know meeting these crazy expectations you put on yourself or your partner's not meeting those expectations, take a step back.
heatherdyann: No one gives you a playbook how life's supposed to go or act in every situation. It's not that serious. It's just not that serious. So I'll end by saying, I couldn't be happier to start all over, but I'm scared as can be.
heatherdyann: to do things differently than I've ever done. But if you're not You're not growing if you're not afraid. I feel that. If it's just like you're in, you're in autopilot, like when you're driving an autopilot, like you're not fearing anything. Like it's not until something comes in your view that you're not expecting that you're even thinking, right? You're just doing, but when you're actively doing things that scare you,
heatherdyann: That's when you're growing. You're like, I don't even know what I'm doing, but look at all I've learned. And and that's just an exciting place to be. So i'm I challenge you to change your perspective anytime you're faced with, how do I even start over here, but I know I want to, and go, I don't need to know how, I just need to do. I just need to do.
heatherdyann: So thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.
