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S1 Ep. 22: Embracing Vulnerability
42 Plays3 months ago
In this episode, I dive deep into the challenges of embracing vulnerability and the difficulty of asking for help. Reflecting on my journey, I share my lifelong struggle with feeling like a burden when asking for help despite knowing the importance of community support. I explore the societal and personal barriers that make it hard to be vulnerable and recount a heartfelt story during our mediation process, highlighting the emotional complexities of seeking support from friends and not receiving what I hoped.
I emphasize the importance of finding safe spaces and supportive people who can handle vulnerability, while acknowledging that only some have the capacity to provide the needed support. I encourage you to foster genuine connections, allowing yourself and others to express and navigate emotions freely. Ultimately, I advocate for the strength found in community and the significance of supporting one another through life's challenges.
Throughout this episode, I hope to be "a little explosion of hope", inspiring you to embrace vulnerability and seek the support you deserve.
Alexa Play "She Burns" by Foy Vance
Transcript
00:00:02
heatherdyann
I've never been good at asking for help. Solving problems on my own has always seemed like the way to go, but at what cost? Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here. In this episode, I want to talk about being vulnerable, something that I'm truly not all around great at. When I think back, as long as I can remember, I have tried to figure it out on my own, not without questions, but in general, I wanted to figure it out myself, not necessarily always because I had to, but more so because I thought that was a string.
00:00:58
heatherdyann
If I didn't have to bother others and I could figure it out on my own and by myself, I think I thought I won. And to be honest, I haven't unpacked all the reasons I believed that yet, or I believed it, but I do know it to be true for me. And as much as I only seem to know how to be this way, I'm trying my hardest in this new self discovery and journey that I'm on to be more vulnerable, to be in a place where I allow myself to ask for help or even more so being accepting of help.
00:01:48
heatherdyann
I think as soon as someone says, do you want me to help you with that? My immediate response is, oh my God, that I'm a burden to that person. And I know a lot of times if you've been in therapy or you've talked to people that are reading books and learning, they go, what in your childhood made you feel like that? And maybe there's something there, but at the highest surface level, not digging so deep, I didn't grow up feeling like my parents just said, figure it out yourself. I feel like if I would have asked them for help, they would have because I remember countless times of needing my parents to do things for me. And they showed up every time.
00:02:38
heatherdyann
So I'm not really sure if that's just the oldest child or where that really stem through ah stemmed from, where I just don't know why asking for help just seemed like a weakness for me.
00:02:59
heatherdyann
and And I know that like feeling like it's a burden to need something from someone has probably likely slowed down my progress in life. I think being open and being accepting of help only gets you closer to where you need to be. it's It's really a team, right? And I'm not saying no one's ever helped me. I'm just saying I don't think I'm great at reaching out for help. And it's really hard to admit.
00:03:31
heatherdyann
that not only can I not be vulnerable enough to say, Hey, can you help me with this? But also that it's probably held me back. And, and so it's a disadvantage to my own self by being the stubborn.
00:03:50
heatherdyann
And I've thought a lot about what's the worst that can happen. And I'm, I'm saying all of this because I'm hoping that I'm not the only one here that just finds it so challenging to be vulnerable in a space where you need help. And it doesn't mean like, it doesn't have to be like a big help. It could literally be like, I don't know, like example, When I moved to my house in Tennessee, living here alone, I
00:04:28
heatherdyann
didn't have any furniture, I had to pretty much build everything that I purchased. And for me to like just randomly ask people that I knew which were not many to like, come help me build something just seemed like, why would you why would you ask someone to go out of their way to come do that for you? And it's crazy to me because I have now met so many more people in my life and I do know people that were asking for help is just a matter of the way they were. And I think about it even with my ex-husband, how much easier it was for him to ask help for help in things like that, like, Hey, we're putting this together. Can you help?
00:05:19
heatherdyann
And I don't know why that's kind of been a blocker for me. I really have not been able to understand it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately as I've been working to grow and understand where I'm at and where I'm going. And realizing that especially being here alone and building friendships with people, I genuinely have to to build a connection. I think you have to be more vulnerable about what you need from people. And you have to allow yourself to hear no from people that you're hoping to hear yes from. Like if they can't help you like literally what's the worst that can happen? They say no. They don't follow through with helping me. Well, what like
00:06:11
heatherdyann
That's it. Like, I didn't even have the help before. So if they don't help me, I don't know if it's the fear of disappointment. It's the fear of them not showing up.
00:06:25
heatherdyann
It's been a lot for me to unpack lately, but I know that someone's inability to help me is not necessarily the end of the world. It's kind of goes back to what I try to remind myself all of the time as I'm venturing through thoughts of like all of the things that come along with entrepreneurship and building anything is if you never ask, the answer is always no.
00:06:56
heatherdyann
if you never The answer is always no. And that seems like such a clear truth, but such a hard thing to just do.
00:07:11
heatherdyann
and very wild that I somehow have convinced myself after all these years that asking or needing from others is inconveniencing people. And I think as a society lately, i I saw this come about. A couple of my friends shared this and I was reading the thread and it's not just me. I'm realizing this is a broader thing with people's inability to ask for help and I envy those people that are willing to just ask someone to help them with something they're good at. instead of going out and paying someone that they've never met to do something, like we've lost the whole idea of just like general favors, like your neighbor needs a lot like a lemon. And instead of walking to your house and asking you, they decide to drive to the grocery store, or get it door dashed, because we don't
00:08:04
heatherdyann
want to just have that connection with someone and say, Hey, can I get this from you? Like worst case scenario, you come over, I don't have a lemon. I promise you if I have a lemon, I'm saying yes. So yeah, we're all just in the society of like, well, I don't want to burden them. They're probably busy. Like busy what? Like we all have lives, but helping out fellow humans doesn't seem that inconvenient.
00:08:32
heatherdyann
It, when I say it, it absolutely seems like the one thing that we're here on this earth to do is to help fellow humans. Yet for some reason, we'd rather just pay a stranger than potentially inconvenience someone that could essentially just be needing someone to knock at their door and look at ah another human. We're all silently going through so much. I think so much of human connection is lost because we've we've shunned away from talking to people about our needs.
00:09:18
heatherdyann
So I kind of want to share a story um along this line and this is maybe part of why it's hard for me to be vulnerable. I feel like maybe this can resonate with people. But as we're all here just wandering in this life together and trying to support each other, I think we just need to realize that anyone in your life that can't show up to do that. I mean, they may not just be meant for you in that current place in time. Maybe later, maybe not. Who really knows? But I'm recalling this story from
00:10:04
heatherdyann
during my separation. And I bring this back because and I talk about this and even if you haven't been divorced or been through, I mean, most people have been through a probably a heartbreaking breakup. But it's just such a transformative time in our lives, where there's just so many new emotions, oftentimes, and especially like for me, and this is my first divorce, the person I'd been with for so long, I was just going through all of these emotions that I had never experienced before. And I didn't know how to navigate that.
00:10:38
heatherdyann
And I remember that me and my ex had done mediation. So we didn't really go through the courts. We did like a mediation thing. And we had a couple of sessions. And on the second session, because I'll have to save a story for the first, but on the second session, It was, I mean, both of them are absolutely, I remember our mediators saying like, look, you should probably take the day off work. Like it's very draining. It's a very long process. Like it's just, it ends up becoming a law. And I'm thinking, okay, now I'm the one that's doing this. I'll be fine. No, it won't be that hard for me. Boy.
00:11:25
heatherdyann
talk about being wrong, because it was both times in tears, can't breathe, have to pause and mute the zoom, like not a thing. Not something I was prepared to handle either time. So we'll talk the story on the second time. And, you know, how me nation like just planning calendars and whatever with my ex, like it just happened to fall on the night that I had this concert planned with a few of my, my, my friends from back home that when I was still living in Utah at the time.
00:12:08
heatherdyann
And I remember that, you know, I thought, OK, well, this was the second one. The first one was awful. But now I kind of know where I'm getting into. So it can't possibly be ah as emotionally and draining as the first. So I'll be fine to go to the concert after and it will probably be great. Just a nice, OK, good. Everything's great. Well, obviously it was much more difficult than I anticipated, just like the first time. And even though I'd already had a first rodeo in this whole mediation discussion, it didn't actually feel any easier than the first time. And I remember after I was like, I'm, I'm going to the concert. Like I already, you know, we've planned this for months, whatever. And it really,
00:13:02
heatherdyann
getting there by myself and meeting them. They're already there at the concert. They have like a picnic laid it out. It's a really cute little spot where we were at um at Redview Garden in Salt Lake. And I was just ready for a good time. And I, I will tell you, If you know me, I always try to come into any situation with the highest spirits, positive vibes. I'm not that poor me, what was me, girl, I never have been. I'm always coming with the best intentions and the happiest vibes.
00:13:40
heatherdyann
So I get there and I'm trying to put on the facade and I am just really happy. I'm grateful to be there. I'm grateful for the weather and my friends and it's a beautiful venue and I love music. So everything, here I am. But as the night proceeds and a couple glasses of wine in, I am just needing to like unpack a little of the roughness that was my day. And there's like a it it literally cause it's like one of the hardest days of my life. I don't even know what I'm doing. All of these girls know my ex-husband. Uh, two of the three of them have known me for years and years and years. And I'm, I'm needing to be vulnerable. And I look back on it now going, I've learned so much that
00:14:41
heatherdyann
Unfortunately, there's not always life just comes at you and you don't get to plan when your emotions hit when you're going through really hard things. So this was a dreadful experience. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I could have canceled the concert and just not went, but I was trying to keep it moving, keep it positive. Life goes on. And I didn't want to let my friends down. I've already made out the obligations, right? And
00:15:22
heatherdyann
After a couple glasses in, I kind of break down a little at the show, not like out of control breakdown, but I just, I, I just decide to go for what I was feeling. And I'm just like, I look at them and I'm like, today was hard.
00:15:42
heatherdyann
And, you know, my ex was being this way and it was just so difficult. And you've got to think through this whole process, the amount of guilt I had for leaving this man that's telling me that I'm pretty much ruining his life is so overbearing for me. I i literally feel like such a a bad human being.
00:16:11
heatherdyann
And I probably just needed someone to tell me, like, I don't know what I needed.
00:16:22
heatherdyann
But what I was met with by one of my three friends was that, Hey, ah you know what? I have had a rough week too, and I need a fun night. So I don't really have the capacity for this.
00:16:45
heatherdyann
And when I tell you that my heart stopped, it did because I was being vulnerable.
00:17:12
heatherdyann
And I guess there is a place in time for that, but I was learning through this process that unfortunately, sometimes there's not a rule around it. Sometimes life just overwhelms you in a moment that's inconvenient for other people.
00:17:44
heatherdyann
And as much as that woman had every right to not have the capacity to deal with the hard things or listen to the hard things that were going on in my life, I realized that that couldn't be the right friendship for me at that time.
00:18:10
heatherdyann
So it was such an awakening that sometimes when you're vulnerable with the challenges that you go through in life, not everyone has the capacity to show up for you the way that you need them to.
00:18:31
heatherdyann
And that is a very hard thing when you're going through transformation because you're already losing in my head, I'm losing, you know, my best friend, the person that's been next by my side for so long. And I'm trying to lean on these other people that have also known me for so long, but they don't have the capacity to manage this conversation with me.
00:19:02
heatherdyann
And of course I'm never going to force that on anyone. So I just closed up like a ah turtle in a shell.
00:19:12
heatherdyann
And I thought for a brief moment, I'm like, um I'm kind of alone in this.
00:19:22
heatherdyann
Because as much as I have all these loving, caring people around me, now i'm even I finally express something and someone says I don't have the capacity for it. my My whole mind just goes to who has the capacity to deal with my genuine emotions. like No one wants that burden, Heather.
00:19:49
heatherdyann
But what I'm learning through this to give you hope. If you're feeling in a similar way is that the right people will, the right people will, and not everyone can. And I'm not blaming that friend for her inability to be what I needed because it's not her responsibility to be what I needed. We're just different friends.
00:20:22
heatherdyann
I want to be the friend that can give you that capacity. But not everyone wants to show up in the same way as we show up. And that has been my biggest challenge in life is that I've learned that as much as you can do things and be certain ways for people and you would do this and you'd bend backwards and you'd listen and you'd be there, that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else is going to show up for you in that same way.
00:21:01
heatherdyann
And I think that's just a hard truth as we're navigating life and we're wandering this mess of a time is that we cannot expect people to think, feel, and do as we do. We have to understand and give grace to the truth of the matter that everyone is managing their own emotions and life and thoughts and expectations differently.
00:21:35
heatherdyann
But if someone is not making you feel better, then it's probably a place where you just have to separate in that.
00:21:50
heatherdyann
It's probably just not going to be the right fit for you and that other human at that moment. And that's like a hard truth because you're like, how so something hard happens and now you can't be there for me. And there's this abandonment thought like, wait all this time and now you're just abandoning and you're abandoning me when I'm at my lowest. When I'm hurt and I'm down and i my whole life's turning upside down, you don't have the capacity for me.
00:22:26
heatherdyann
And that feels very personal and it feels very hard to understand. But at the end of the day, it's it's not really your problem, it's their truth.
00:22:43
heatherdyann
And you can't change their truth.
00:22:49
heatherdyann
So you have to just allow yourself to separate from that person or that situation and just find and surround yourself with the things and the people that make you feel seen and heard and understand and that have the capacity to support you.
00:23:14
heatherdyann
I still am working at that. I have, I'm so very grateful for the amazing people I have in my life and it doesn't go unnoticed, but I know that I could show up better sometimes too. So when someone isn't completely showing up the way I need it, my first thought is, okay Heather, but like, is there times you haven't showed up the way that you should have? And for the most part, the answer is yes. So then I have to understand, okay, so unless I communicate what I need in that relationship, that friendship, whatever it is, then I can't really expect anyone to read my mind.
00:24:05
heatherdyann
I can't expect them to help me if I don't ask them for help. I can't expect them to come over and build something with me if they don't know I need anything built, right? If those are the people that are meant to be in your life, you will feel safe enough to ask them for help.
00:24:36
heatherdyann
you will feel safe enough to to be vulnerable with what you're feeling and what you need and all of the things. And this doesn't mean like inundate someone with just every hard thing that's ever happened in your life and just like trauma dump on someone because they're open to hearing it. Like I think we all need to just be like, it is emotionally exhausting to take on someone's load. And that's what therapists are for. Shout out to them. But I also think sometimes just in a normal safe space is just having someone that's like, today was really hard. Can I just tell you this really hard thing? And I'll move past it.
00:25:21
heatherdyann
Can I just tell you this thing that I'm worried about that happened today? So you can help me work through it and let it not be a worry because worrying's not going to change a thing. Finding people that can listen to you then, that can help you talk through solutions, that can say it's okay that you feel vulnerable.
00:25:49
heatherdyann
Here's where we're going. Here's what I think. That is so amazing.
00:26:02
heatherdyann
And not everyone has the capacity to do that. And that's what I had to learn. And I think sometimes in learning, you know, again, it kind of takes you back a few steps because now my fear to being vulnerable to people was increased. I feel like I had this yeah literally no, no joke through my separation and divorce. I had. three people that were my safe space and one other that is worth a story that I didn't really know. And they were three of the four. So the one that will be a story was divorced and they ah had been divorced. And the other was just, ah she's just a saint. Don't even know any other way to put it. And
00:26:58
heatherdyann
not everyone's that and I can't I was never angry at the friends that couldn't show up the way I needed them to. And I would never I would never wish the situation that I faced upon any of them. But I know that I will be fully prepared to be there for them if they ever have a similar situation that they're going through. Because
00:27:26
heatherdyann
the loneliness that you feel when people don't get it and they don't want to allow you to feel that it's hard because really your friends and the people that know you best and if you know, and your family, like those are the only people, like I kind of bring that to work. I can't bring that to strangers at the grocery store. Like I'm not taking out my life on, you know, And so when you lose, like when you're not strong in that support system, it's super hard to be vulnerable when you feel like you're not allowed because, and for me, I think one of my biggest challenges as I try to wrap this up into how do I start being vulnerable is that I am a hype girl, a happy girl, positive vibes kind of person.
00:28:20
heatherdyann
And I show up with a smile and the happiest look on my face and I truly am grateful, blessed, happy. I'm not complaining about my life at all. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. Would I change things? Absolutely. Would I change my life? No, because I know whatever path I'm on, it's only going to get better and I'm going to find all of the things that make my soul on fire and make me happy. But
00:28:50
heatherdyann
like any other human on this planet, we all struggle. And so as I'm wandering this wild mess trying to figure it out, I think the that biggest thing and where I'm kind of going with this is just that finding the space to be vulnerable when people expect you to show up as your happy, chipper, outgoing self all the time. So you're on.
00:29:25
heatherdyann
And you're happy in that. So I think for some people, when you're that outwardly, outgoing, happy, like, you know, ready to roll person, and you have a hard thing happen in your life. It's like, I can burden this with these, to these people, because they only know me as, Oh my gosh, she's so happy. She's so positive all of the time. So who is this girl now? Like this is not our friend. This is not who we, this is not who we invited to the concert. We invited like fun, happy meeting new people X like happy Heather. We didn't invite like bringing your baggage to the concert, Heather.
00:30:15
heatherdyann
And so sometimes I think when they say, and this is not like at all any kind of, but when they say like, check on your happy friends, this is what they're talking about. Because if you're pegged the happy friend, then likely the happy friend isn't sharing the hard times because they've probably been told by someone that expected them to be happy all the time in their circle. Oh no, I don't have the capacity for that. Just play your role as the happy friend.
00:30:52
heatherdyann
I don't mean that bitter. I really am saying with a smile on my face, but I'm trying to just be open with everyone outwardly happy or not has challenges and we all ebb and flow in life and go through really hard things. Give your happy friends grace to have hard times too. Let the men in your life that you just expect to be rock solid and just figure it all out, let them have a space where they can be vulnerable that they don't have it figured out. Let
00:31:34
heatherdyann
women that just want to have it all together. Like we're all humans in this. There's, I really don't even need to genderize it. I don't even know if that's a word, genderize. But what I'm saying here is that the human connection of allowing people to feel their feelings,
00:31:53
heatherdyann
That's special. And I'm not saying stay in the dumps. Like I'm never going to be that person that's going to be like, yeah, let them pour me, pour me. No, at some point take accountability and make actions and change it. But you have to feel it for a minute. So to have that safe space with people in your life that allow you to just feel the hard times, That is the really the key to being able to release it. You can work through that alone, but there is nothing more powerful than a community of people in your corner. And when I say community, it could be as small as three or four, but you just need to know that if you have if you can show up for people, I don't think there's anything better in this life than being the reason that someone got through something.
00:32:51
heatherdyann
got better on the other side because you were there. Because you gave them the support they needed to get to where they needed to be and they got through it. It's literally like going through the trenches. like you're you know You're gliding through and then now you're in this dark, deep mud and you're like, when am I getting out of this? And it's the friends that are there and the people in your life that help you pull you out of those trenches and then you're back to the land and you're like oh and they're like oh yeah that's you you're back you know the mud's falling off dry enough all the things you're the whole new person the people that pulled you out of the mud that were there when you couldn't barely swim when everything was heavy
00:33:39
heatherdyann
I think those are the MVPs of life. But being able to ask those people to help you is still hard.
00:33:55
heatherdyann
So just know being vulnerable isn't easy. Finding the people that will pull you out of the trenches is a blessing. and you hold on to those people with all you can. But then we also can give grace to the people that just, they don't have the strength in them to pull you up or they don't have the desire and that's okay. Not everyone's going to show up the way that we think they should. We just need to move on and lean into the people that showed up the way that we needed them.
00:34:37
heatherdyann
I'll end this with a lyric because, you know, that's how I roll. Today it hit me. She is a little explosion of hope. The song she burns.
00:34:53
heatherdyann
Amazing. What is it bite? Uh, for events. so in love with that song. I think that is my new motto. I hope to be the explosion of hope for you or forever needs it because that's probably the most beautiful lyric I've heard in a minute. And I've heard that song a million times, but today it hit me.
00:35:23
heatherdyann
Thank you so much for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.