Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Ep 95: Man of the House (1995)
69 Plays4 months ago
Remember when we talked about Dutch last November? This is a lot like that but less funny and more racist because it stars Chevy Chase and Johnathan Taylor Thomas! JTT refuses to accept his mom's new boyfriend despite Chase's efforts to win his respect. So this little bastard forces him to join a Boy Scout-esque group with an offensive name in an effort to crush his spirit. Meanwhile, a disgruntled family member of a criminal that Chevy Chase put away as the District Attorney seeks revenge.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction of Hosts and Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
This is a product of the 90s. Please beware, we do not condone any of these slings. Hi, how are ya? We're continuing Shipbird Month, for some reason. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Jack. This is Bad Movies. Worst People.
00:00:44
Speaker
Hi, how are you?
Discussion of 'Man of the House'
00:00:45
Speaker
Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? I don't feel like I have to answer that. This is America. yeah
00:00:52
Speaker
Yes, we are talking this week about 1995's Man of the House, starring... Dave T. Chase. Chaverley? Chaverley. Chaverley Chase. I never knew Chaverley was Chaverley. Why not? Drove the Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry. But the Chevy was racist. And Jonathan Taylor Thomas. ah And kind of Farrah Fawcett. Yeah, and enough of her. Enough. Thank you. Although she's listed as like starring, but I think we see more Art LaFleur and George Wendt than we do Farrah Fawcett. Oh, yeah. Which is fine.
00:01:25
Speaker
I have to say when this came out what was ninety four, right? Ninety three. Ninety five. I just said it. See, I don't listen. All the girls were in love with JTT. Oh, yeah. and Yeah. I was reading a thing in the trivia about. So this movie was Chevy Chase's biggest movie of the 90s and it did OK. I remember watching it with my stepdad. He even credits that, too. He's like, it's not necessarily me. It's Jonathan Taylor Thomas. He was like the biggest thing at the time. He was on Home Improvement. Surprised he's humble enough to say that, though, instead of like, well, I did did a heavy lifting probably during press for this. Yeah. So he could still sound like, you know, he wants people to go see the movie. So he gets asked him about it now.
00:02:05
Speaker
But the trivia thing I was reading was like, yeah, it was this and this. Uh, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas was on home improvement and something of a sex symbol. And I'm like, dude, this guy is 14. Yeah. Yeah. I think we looked it up right here. 14. But I mean, you know, when he's not wrong, like it was all age appropriate. Yeah. It was age appropriate. Hung up on all people, all girls walls, not my walls, not yours. Who would you got on there? I had Luke Perry. Ooh, a much better choice, really. But not really age or not age appropriate. No, because this was about, so it was 95, so he would have been 41. But I mean, that's part of childhood, like especially guys had all kinds of older, well, not old, but like, you know, girls older than you on their walls. so Yeah. Oh, Eddie Crawford, Kathy Ireland, Dan McHugh.
00:02:49
Speaker
Oh, God. Amy Jo Johnson. Ryder Strong. is he Boy Meets World. No, no, he's a porn star. And Ride Her Strong? Oh, come on. Yeah. Go out with Rob Lowe. I did have a crush on Rob Lowe. So you just have like a name thing? I guess so. I really liked that ah Hugh Janis.
00:03:10
Speaker
Dennis Quaid? Yes. We all know I had a very inappropriate crush on Dennis Quaid. Yeah, well, I still do. Are you saying Dennis Quaid has a huge anus? Richard Gere did. Only after. Well, anyways, I digress.
Teen Crushes of the 90s
00:03:24
Speaker
You gotta train that Gere.
00:03:26
Speaker
This movie was directed by some guy named James Orr. He directed some other stuff, Mr. Destiny and Breaking All the Rules. The way that you're saying this means there's not much you're gonna say. No, Mr. Destiny and Breaking All the Rules. I don't know what those are. Mr. Destiny is the baseball movie with the... Oh fuck, who is it? The wrong Belushi.
00:03:47
Speaker
Oh, the wrong. Jim, I think so. ah Yeah, Jim, the wrong Baluchi done. But he also wrote this with a guy named Jim Cruickshank. It looks like he's not up to anything wrong. It looks like they were writing partners because they wrote three men and a baby. Still writing partners.
00:04:06
Speaker
writing r-i-d-i-n-g yep yeah well either way they wrote three men and a baby sister act two and this and mix some other stuff but those are the ones i recognize you name two i really really like i got asked today if we were gonna do like three men and a baby too because some girls from florence came down today i think somehow i said something about oh yeah my husband was editing for the podcast. I was talking to somebody else and they're like, podcast? And I was like, yes, I'm on a podcast. And I talked about it and I it a podcast i got us a couple ah listeners. Hey, ladies. as nice say Hey, ladies. Hey, ladies.
00:04:42
Speaker
By the way, we'll probably do
Dynamic Between JTT and Chevy Chase
00:04:44
Speaker
those movies. Mr. Destiny is with the wrong Belushi and Marco Kain. Marco Kain is an angel. You hear that? Marco Kain is an angel. it' Jim Belushi with Michael Kain. Jim Belushi has got Marco Kain. But this, like I remember watching this movie vaguely. I thought I did, but this I think is my fucking fierce first viewing, dude. I really do.
00:05:11
Speaker
I've definitely seen this a handful of times. I was a I was a home improvement watcher. Yeah, me too. So I think I just watched it because I was like, that's that kid from Home Improvement. You said ninety five. So yeah, I was kind of like just like I'm over this baby shit. I'm going to skateboard. Sorry. Rollerblade. This was trying to kiss girls. This was the Wednesday night family movie I had with my stepdad. What a movie to watch with your stepdad, too. And I mean that in a good way, not like I watch Basic Instinct with my stepdad. Oh, this is awkward. Me and my stepdad were watching Cruel Intentions the other day. It was shortly after they got married. They got married in 92. The reason I say that, though, is because this movie is all about trying to win over your little shitty stepson when he's being a fucking nerd. He is being a little prick. He is the definition of what this month is about. Yes. Well, it's also what's wrong with our fucking kids today.
00:06:01
Speaker
Okay, boomer. Now we're gonna sound like old people. I'll tell you what, back in my day. Well, I disciplined though, not to the extent that my husband wanted me to discipline her, but I disciplined her. She wouldn't lock her in a closet, I kept trying. You wanted the art le floor, take him behind the woodshed. it Sounds like someone needs a trip to the woodshed. What are you doing back there? Yeah, maybe not that. What are you doing? I would ground her for a day. And then after that, I'm like, OK, tomorrow you can have your things back. Just don't be a fucking shit. Just ground her for six or seven months. It'll teach her a That's what my parents did to me and look who I fucking turned out.
00:06:43
Speaker
ah What trimester is this? 270th. This isn't Seattle. You can't get away with it. This is Seattle. This movie it is. yeah That was my ah transition. Segway. I got you. But this was the first movie Chevy Chase did in the 90s to
Chevy Chase's Career Resurgence
00:07:00
Speaker
open at number one and his most successful movie of the 90s at $40 million. dollars oh which is okay for the 90s. I mean, movies are different back then. Yeah. The box office. It costs an awful lot for what we got, though. It was a $22 million movie. Huh? Yeah, they filmed in California. I think that first Deadpool movie was like $20 million. Where did you put this $22 million? Like, did Chevy Chase get a payday? Did JTT get a payday?
00:07:24
Speaker
Most of it went up Chevy Chase's nose. The rest of it went to Jonathan Taylor Thomas. You ever made a good penny on it? Did he ever get into trouble? JTT? Like actor? No. Actor-wise never got into drugs? No. That's a shame. I don't think so. He looks weird now though. He is no longer a heartthrob. No? I think he's cute. Please hold while I make fun of a person. Oh, man! What's he look like now? I want to take his fishing boat. Yeah.
00:07:52
Speaker
There we go. That's not him. He's Mr. Hipster. Look at him just crushing a tall can of Guinness in a fucking beanie. He is Portland. He is Portland. But this was the first movie Chevy Chase made that wasn't a flop since Christmas vacation. So that was six years before. cops and robert The Robberssons didn't do well? No. Scott Jack Palaiso. One of those bits of trivia I read said that ah combined Cops and Robbertsons, Nothing But Trouble and Invisible Man, Invisible Memoirs of an Invisible Man, which is John Carpenter, but it's awful, yeah ah made less than this movie. Well, you couldn't have Chevy Chase in that movie. What, the Invisible Man? Yeah. Because he likes to be seen? Well, that. And it's too much of it's going to be too comedic.
00:08:37
Speaker
It was supposed to be like, i don't I don't even know what it was supposed to be. We'll have supposed to be good. I've never seen it. We'll have to watch it.
Farrah Fawcett and James Orr's Relationship
00:08:42
Speaker
i my My stepdad loves chubby things. We'll see if there's an episode there. love I was going through and buying a bunch of John Carpenter movies like two years ago that I didn't have, like a handful of them. And I saw that one and I was like, I don't know. So I looked it up and watched it and I was like, no, I don't need to buy that. Oh, so you've seen it. Yeah, it's not good. okay It might be an episode.
00:09:01
Speaker
It's pretty bad, ah but it sounds right up our alley. But it's so it'll be the first carpenter movie we have on this. Is that true? It won't be the last. He made some bad ones. He's he's a great director for about 12 years, maybe 15 years, but he made some really bad. You know what I guiltily love? Vampires. Yes. With James fucking Woods. But it's really fun. Yeah. it's there there There it is, dude. It's so fun. Have you seen this? It's a team of vampire hunters. one of the I picture him in leather. Yeah. Yeah, one of the portly ah Baldwin's is shitting around that movie Daniel Daniel. I think it's Daniel. He like wants to be Alec, but he can't. Yeah. I don't have the voice. Sorry. I wish I did. But ah one of the stars of this I mentioned is Farrah Fawcett. Apparently she was in a relationship with the director, James Orr.
00:09:48
Speaker
ah And the side piece was the guy that flies the kite. maybe Yeah, she was dating the guy that flies the kite at the beginning, but also she was dating this guy. Maybe it was after. when In 1998, he was convicted of a mist of misdemeanor battery after attacking Farrah Fawcett for supposedly ah supposedly refusing his marriage proposal. Wow, that works.
00:10:09
Speaker
That's not how that works, dude. What about now? How about now? and Fucking tease. You're such a tease. What was all that relationship talk? But this movie was number one. It's opening weekend. Nice. So that's, I mean, it's a kids movie. Remember that. 1995. It was also a March. Man of the House. Oh, did we even say Man of the House, by the way? I think I did. Yeah, pretty sure I did. but I don't know. I don't listen to you. I know. Wait, wasn't it Man to Man?
00:10:36
Speaker
No, it was that was what it was going to be called. That's right. That's what Farrah Fawcett said she was working on, man. Yeah, but she's just all fucked up. Oh, the number two? Yeah. That's why I had Jack look up when Jungle of the Jungle came out, because I was like, maybe they changed it because of that. And that was very specifically has a two in it. Yeah. So even though it's the first one. Is she a prophet? Yeah.
JTT's Distrust of Chevy Chase
00:10:56
Speaker
Yeah. She did so many drugs, she could see the future. Rest in pictures, by the way. right Is she passed? I want to say she passed a few years ago to cancer.
00:11:05
Speaker
Oh, that is right. Rest in pictures, Farrah Fawcett. So the movie starts with this little kid playing Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a littler kid. Mm hmm. With his dad. this is hear me His dad is so fucking stupid. His dad's leaving him for his family with his secretary. And as they're driving away and Jonathan Taylor Thomas Jr. is standing on this corner. JTTJR? He's standing on this curb watching him drive away.
00:11:34
Speaker
And they're just waving out the window, like, bye! Well, first it's the dad, and it's like, oh man, what a dick move, being the dad and waving it, like, not even looking back or anything, just like, simple wave pump. And then all of a sudden, this mistress, like, sorry for tearing apart your family. she gives away to No, you keep your fucking arms in there. Keep your head down. I didn't know why you're here. And I mean, this is comedy, but I don't think this scene being repeated throughout the movie with people leaving this child and waving are supposed to be. It's supposed to be funny. I think it's supposed to be heartbreaking. We are having a great time with it. It's very funny. well we But the laughs that we were giving. were The laughs that we're giving off are not the ones they intended. No, not at all. Well, somebody did. Somebody had a sick sense of humor. It's us. And then said, yeah, someone's like that. People are going to laugh at this. I get to see this kid fucking anytime a lady in the future, anytime a lady leaves his house and waves, he just fucking has that thousand yard stare and starts crying. The last one's the funniest one. Oh, the last one's the funniest.
00:12:38
Speaker
But ah yeah, so it's a montage of like people she's trying to date people whatever they're building a garbage display on their wall Okay, let's talk about it. You've got a piece they find treasures down by the bay Dude treasures is is it funny word for trash one man's rotting carcass is another man's treasure you flush it I flaunt it the fucking penguin going through the beach right now trying to find trash. no there's theirer on the micro i heard like They're driftwood and like little fucking discarded pieces of jewelry and shit and they go home and hang it on a wall. This net is disgusting. which
00:13:14
Speaker
It does. At first, you're like, that's really stupid. But then you see what Farrah Fawcett does for a hard quote living. Her. art Well, no, it's not her living. Her living is being ah a courtroom sketch artist. Yeah. Oh, that's why she's sketching. Got it. I didn't even catch that. I thought she was an artist for a living. I mean, she lived in San Francisco and then Seattle. So yeah, you can make a living. But these sculptures, hammers to a wheel, shovels. It was a murder sickle. like yeah if ah the right angle because it's shuffled if If the right wind hits this thing, dude, every bird is going to just get chopped with little bits. She was trying to do, ah you know, the twisters and how she does all that cool shit that looks cool. This didn't look cool. I went with the fucking mom from Beetlejuice and these sculptures came to life. It's a whole different movie. I'm just thinking about all the garbage art, hard quote art we have around Arizona or around Tucson at least on the medians and stuff. People are like, oh, I made this lizard out of.
00:14:18
Speaker
garbage that I found and welded together. The city will pay me $15 million for it. I made a stegosaurus out of a muffler. What about the ball of sticks, metal pipes down Houghton that like lights up? Yeah. There's just a big sphere of garbage. Because Tucson's trying to be more fucking artsy fartsy. We don't want to be just a small shitty town, but that's what we are. These are taxes for other things like fixing our goddamn roads, not paying $15 million.
00:14:43
Speaker
for some of them special shoes I need. Do you remember the game picnics? Like it was you shook up a a canister of sticks and you dumped it and then you had to like. This is stupid.
90s Nostalgia and Gaming Habits
00:14:54
Speaker
It's going to hurt. All right. So everyone put the sticks in the canister shake it and throw it out. And then you had to like pick up certain colors of stuff I don't know. But it just. Oh, it had like marbles on top and you had to hold. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you had like, it just looks like somebody shook up pipes and dumped it there and was like, so that Let's put the LEDs on there. 20 million, please. Thank you. LED d on there. I had a revelation the other day.
00:15:21
Speaker
You know like how 80s and neon is synonymous? Yes. and Dude, it's going to go down as the 2020s, micro dosing and fucking ah LEDs, like wireless light bulbs. I was thinking about it, the shit behind my TV, like I took a little mushrooms, I'm watching it, I'm like, man, everybody's doing this. like Everybody I know, you guys have some here, right? Yeah, we have ours. Zoe has like three in her room. Exactly, micro dosing and fucking Wi-Fi bulbs. Just like cocaine and neon.
00:15:49
Speaker
You're not wrong there. One of him the 20s were awesome. One of them will kill you faster. Yes, you're very right. But there's going to be like, you know, 30 years from now, i like, oh, yeah, my uncle used to have all these little weird Wi-Fi bulbs everywhere. Color change. And every time I walked in the room like purple, blue. Yeah. But it'll be like, can you believe he had to have his lights connected to his Wi-Fi and they didn't just turn it off on their own? They didn't just think about it. Stupid.
00:16:14
Speaker
yeah I can only imagine when when my kid has kids she's gonna be like oh my god the 20s were just insane like well there was it's good news and bad news the good news is that what's not gonna happen bad news is we'll all be dead and the earth is gonna rot away probably but she's like it started there was there was this like Killing spree, the virus, the COVID. There we go. What's the word I'm looking for? Pandemic? Pandemic. There was this killing spree. What's the word I'm looking for? Killing spree is the new way to refer to a pandemic. That bird flu was on a killing spree. It needs to be stopped. It is out of control. If the government shut everybody into their houses and shut everything down and was like, it's because of the killing spree, it makes a lot more sense. People might mask up if it was a killing spree virus. Pandemics aren't great. Killing sprees are worse. Yeah. Yeah. It really quantifies it. So then we meet Chevy Chase playing Jack. We're going to call him Chevy Chase, probably. Yeah, it'd be confusing otherwise. Were you getting confused? Did you think he was calling you confused? He's like, hey, Jack. And you're like, yes, it's kind of me. Got it. It was kind of weird when I when he's knocking on the bathroom door. Jack, you're going to be in there all day. I can flash back to my childhood. talking about shaking some pipes bringing it back so he's a like a snarky prosecuting attorney of some sort and he puts this mobster dude in prison for 50 years which is important yes because the movie needs conflict I do like the way this attorney right yeah something like that assistant district attorney maybe ADA yeah
00:17:52
Speaker
ah But yeah, I do like when the the guy he's sending away, he's like, I just want to say thanks for giving me a fair trial and I wish luck to all the future endeavors of the prosecuting attorney. Excuse me, your honor, I'd like to ask if that was supposed to be a threat. And then he's like, no, he's like, nah, I would never threaten anybody.
00:18:09
Speaker
I don't know why he sounds like Columbo. I kind of did. But yeah, then he he's like, well, good, because otherwise I was really, really scared. There's the snark. Yep. So, yeah, 50 years in prison, we see his apparently this mobster guy's son. Yeah. Which I didn't know 10 years younger than him, which I didn't know till the end. Yeah. Maybe they say we talk a little bit. Yeah, we did talk in the beginning. He did say.
00:18:32
Speaker
But he's played by Richard Portnow, who's been on the show before. Welcome back. His name is Portnow. The substitute three or four? Yeah, substitute three. The one that we did for Trick or Treat Williams last year. He's in some other stuff, but that's what I wrote down because that's what you remembered. I didn't recognize him at first. I mean, I know he's in Seinfeld. He sells wheelchairs and crutches and shit. and He's like in Seinfeld or like you know him from Seinfeld and he sells wheelchairs. Yes. separate
00:19:01
Speaker
Got this foot from him. So Chevy Chase is dating Farrah Fawcett, and they're getting ready to move in together. And of course, little JTT is looking like Courtney Cox got left in the microwave, too. Yeah. Well, what did we say? Florida, Florida, Courtney Cox. That's exactly what I was going to say. I got you. All right. that's That's what I'm here for, I think.
00:19:22
Speaker
I don't know what I'm here for. I do know. Yeah. Yeah, you do. I'm I'm me. You're the normal person. Oh, I'm not normal. We've already established. Well, you're more than us compared to these two idiots. So Jonathan Taylor Thomas doesn't want him to move in. And there's this whole thing of him talking to his mom. And he's he's spouting shitty hurt on TV throughout this whole movie. And he always has to quote where you're from. I wanted to get more. He says Donahue. And then later he says something else. And yeah, we do that Geraldo. and then America's Most Wanted. I wanted to go Sally Jessie Raphael. I wanted him to have, Oprah wouldn't be doing it yet. Well, but we have like- Morey. Morey. We have the comedy like Rule of Three's thing, but you don't put your first two in the first 10 minutes of the movie and then your last one in the last 10 minutes of the movie. But it's not, I barely call it the Rule of Three because yeah, it's a TV show with America's Most Wanted or Unsolved Mysteries, but
00:20:12
Speaker
Stick with the talk show. host yeah Yeah, there's a lot. And you could end the very end like drop. ah You know, here's what you do. You keep dropping all this little fucking pop psych. Where'd you learn that? Geraldo, where'd you learn that? And the very last one, you get something super sentimental and deep. No. Where'd you learn that? Jerry Springer. ah Throw him for a loop. Final thoughts, dude. Final thoughts. Springer was a thing in 95. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But he does. We do have a scene of a small child telling his mom that women meet their sexual peak in their 30s. 11 years old. Did you want to talk to your parents, especially your mom, about sex? No, not at all.
00:20:49
Speaker
I'm pretty sure my mom didn't have sex. This is where you're not normal, by the way, so just don't. I think I was hatched into church. yeah My mom and I were very open. like and i I had questions and she would answer. Okay, hold on, hatched in it, got it, never mind.
Humorous Family Anecdotes
00:21:01
Speaker
Super Mario Brothers. I was hatched in a church. It took me a minute. But also, I think it's different girl, girl, and guy, guy. like i I've talked to my dad more about it. I talked to his mom about sex. Even though I was six, but ah but like I don't want to talk to my mom about sex ever. Okay.
00:21:18
Speaker
Well, that's also your mom. I almost told a really embarrassing story, but I'm not. ah But the person that your mother is, I could see why. All right, here comes the story. okay I was like, is it the blowjob story? Yeah. So I had to pick up my mom one day when she was, ah she accidentally got intoxicated because she didn't know there was booze in her drink.
00:21:37
Speaker
So she says, what did she order? She says, I don't even know. She was out with a guy drinking and I pick her up and she's quiet, which is very unlike my mother. For people that don't know, my mom is is like just a devout Catholic, salt of the earth, great human being, nice as can be. She's going to make me cookies for my birthday. And out of nowhere, where she just quiet can be and goes, why are they called a blowjob? It's not like you blow on it.
00:22:04
Speaker
And pantomimes of flute. And that's the only talk we've ever had about sex.
00:22:12
Speaker
You just opened the door and pushed her out of the car. Oh, you know, I fucking just yanked that wheel to the left and turned into a goddamn bridge embankment. I could like literally what did you did she just laugh or did you what? It was silent as shit. I was just like, I don't want to know why you're thinking about a blowjob right now.
00:22:32
Speaker
Mom. Yeah, she probably blew him. Sorry. Oh, God. I wasn't going to say it. Yeah, you you didn't have to. We were all thinking it. Fucking lives in the back of my head some nights. This is why I'm so normal. I sleep so often. So yeah, Jonathan Taylor Thomas is trying to convince his mom that Chevy Chase may be a serial killer who will boil their heads in acid, which is pretty cool. Yeah. This kid's fucked up. Yeah, yes. the The scene later, he is dark. Yeah. He is morbid. they He moves in. He's bringing in his boxes. And there was a funny line. It's stupid funny. Like, it's one they intend to be funny, but it got a chuckle out of me. But it's a good Chevy Chase delivery. Yeah, because he's carrying in his box of shit. And JTT is like, don't put that over here. and Don't put it over there or whatever. And he's like, well, I don't need to unpack my stuff. I'll just hold on to it. It makes it more convenient if I need anything. And it's it's that classic Chevy Chase dryness that we we like. Yeah. but Because, I mean, he was already an asshole, because he's been an asshole. But I think it's before everybody knew he was an asshole. Oh, for sure. For sure. It's common knowledge now that he's a racist fucking old cunt.
00:23:31
Speaker
Yeah. Like when he was on community and there was a ah thing, I think it was season four, before they kicked him off, where Abed or Troy had a ah Twitter feed that they did that was called ah Old White Man Says. Yep. And it was just all these ridiculous things. And I have a feeling those are things that Chevy Chase was just saying on sale. Oh, I don't doubt that one bit. Write that one down. Did you hear that? Did you hear what he actually said? Write that down in that transcript. Wait, I'm old white man says I kind of hope that was real like that was a real Twitter thing they were doing I mean on that show he basically plays Chevy Chase. He's yeah an old racist asshole Yep, but he does he tries to do it like an endearing old man But in real life, I think he's just a scumbag. I get that feel
00:24:14
Speaker
Did you ever see the National Lampoon's movie? Vegas? Another exercise in futility or something like that? No. You've got to watch that. Joel McHale plays Chevy Chase. Oh, I did see that. It is insanely awesome. I have not seen this. Why haven't you not? Because there's a documentary that came out and then the docudrama kind of thing that they did. It's Will Forte, right? as like one of the big creators. Like the creator. Yeah, National Lampoon's got Doug Kenny. That sounds right. That sounds right, but it could be wrong. Either way, and I'm probably saying the name wrong, it's like it's another useless, another futile exercise. Another futile gesture? Yeah. Will Forte, the guy from Blind Fairy. Remember, because I didn't see the cover, I saw it, it was like a thumbnail. I was like, is that Will Forte? That'd be a different movie with Will Forte. Not bad. It would be like McGregor.
00:25:04
Speaker
MacGruber. I love MacGruber. That's a fucking a guilty pleasure for me. that was That's a funny one. But we have kind of a series of things. It's the it's your it's all the classic 90s like things that a kid would do to piss someone off. Like he's turning on the hot water when Chevy Chase is in the shower. ah He's making fun of him for having allergy medication. Apparently that makes him a wimp. What a wimp. What?
00:25:27
Speaker
ah There was a point when he kicks Chevy Chase out of the bathroom and he goes in and he's like wiping Condensation off the mirror and disgust. It's like how you're angry at like physics. Yeah, this is science kid You it's gross Chevy Chase drippings, but I do like he goes through the medicine cabinet and fought we see his brute and his speed stick speeds dick speeds dick speeds dick sports dick and Well, cause and he has this comment like, what is this guy trying to stop himself from rotting or whatever decomposing? And I'm sitting here thinking you lived in San Francisco and now Seattle. You smell that smell all the time. It's called patchouli. You are. You know what? Sorry, he's trying to.
00:26:07
Speaker
to have sex with your mom. He's trying to smell good to do so. All right. I can't find my toothpaste. He's like he's just being an asshole and bitching about everything. And all I could think was like, you have no right to complain here. You're the only one without a job. yeah You're not contributing to this. I know you're like 11, but you're not contributing to this situation. Shut the fuck up. Child labor laws are ruining this country.
00:26:31
Speaker
And he doesn't even let them sleep together because he tells his mom that the thought of them in bed together would cause psychological damage. Yep. We got that from Geraldo. And so he has this fold out bed and we have the scene from Dutch where the bed is collapsing. Not done nearly as well. No.
00:26:49
Speaker
Well Chevy Chase is no Ed O'Neill. No way. not Even though Chevy Chase is a much bigger star, Ed O'Neill's a better everything. Yeah. I mean, if Ed O'Neill was in Caddyshack, it wouldn't be as funny as Chevy Chase, but that's because that character is a total douchebag. Exactly. And Chevy Chase is good at being a douchebag. He's got practice. hu I would watch Ed O'Neill play Three Amigos, though. There's like a whole thing with them in the morning where he makes this big breakfast of one of Derek's least favorite scenes I found out today. Oh, yeah. I mean, the way he's doing it, he's making eggs, benedict, a lot of shirt, whatever his name is, sturges. Yeah. So eggs benedict with fucking caviar. You can keep that. I love eggs benedict, but you can keep that caviar. I don't know. I might give it a shot, though. I don't think I would like fish for breakfast. I don't think so either. But in in eggs, maybe. But eggs and an egg. Yeah, exception. But yeah, it always pisses me off when people are cooking in movies, especially in the 80s and 90s thing.
00:27:52
Speaker
It's like you cut to the kitchen and there's just like cracked eggshells on the counter with stuff dripping off. so Something's on fire. It's I'm like, it's not that hard to cook and not make a giant fucking mess. So there are certain things that you cook. Tell you what, turn that fucking heat down, because you know how hard it is to catch bacon on fire. Yeah. Also, let that sizzle low, baby. Also, like she said, put the fucking lid on the blender. He's surprised when he puts all this shit in the blender to make the hollandaise. It just blows up in his face. Putting it in a blender. Well, hold on, hold on, on that real quick. How do you know how to make this and not know a blender needs a top? And then also... Well, he has fancy rich guy blender. It's got an anti-gravity or something. I don't know. I don't know. Something about DA. I'm not a quantum physicist. I am not a an egg dish.
00:28:37
Speaker
And there's a whole bit with Jonathan Taylor Thomas complaining about recycling and all this stuff.
Cultural Insensitivity in 'Indian Guides'
00:28:42
Speaker
Oh, he's giving him heat right away. Well, I do trying to kill us with animal fat. Yeah, which I read in the trivia. He really was a vegetarian. And I'm like, this kid's like 14. Good for him. Too early to be a vegetarian. Good for you, pal. I hope you're. No, I think his family was actually.
00:28:57
Speaker
they play scientology I want to say his family were not him or not. You eat meat in this house. Well, I guarantee you, Tim Allen was sneaking every time that kid fell asleep on set, he was sneaking like a bam or bacon in his mouth. du He's like, you're not going to be vegetarian in this house. I found his granola. I'm putting crushed up bacon in it. Even my friends don't eat meat. are But I don't, I don't want to say his teeth today. Bacon. Go ahead.
00:29:22
Speaker
I don't want to say that they were hippies, but they were definitely like Earth loving. New age. Yeah. Maybe he gave him like a dog toothpaste. It tastes like bacon and beef and shit. Can I get that? Yes, it's a thing. We have some. It's Arm and Hammer. And Jack, you don't look too well, but eating a lot of toothpaste, man. Sorry. Just I guess just goes right through me. You know, I am in the mood for like a really juicy IPA and I don't see any in the fridge. Yeah, I think I'm all out, but I do know a place we can go get some more. Let's go to the Arizona Beer House. Arizona Beer House. They have 34 taps. There's like almost 800 cans and bottles that you can drink in-house or take to go. And it's conveniently located at Broadway and Cove, 150 South Cove in Tucson, Arizona. I'll tell you what, I'd tap that. Let's head down to Arizona Beer House right now. Let's go. I'll drive. First pint's on me, guys. All right.
00:30:16
Speaker
Sharks of the Corn? Virus Shark? Cocaine Shark? Shark-topus? Yeah. Those are all real movies. Join me, Steve Coates, as each week I take a comedic look at the bizarre world of Shark-sploitation cinema on Bucket of Chum, the Shark Movie Podcast.
00:30:38
Speaker
So he goes to school, we meet his friend Monroe, who's a black kid, which is important because he keeps mentioning it because it's 1995 and you gotta remind everybody, this kid's black. Look, Disney has a black friend. Disney. And then they find- He was the only one of color in the school.
00:30:57
Speaker
Before we get any further, I do want to say we know as human beings in this room that we the term Indian is an incorrect term for Native Americans. It hasn't been for decades. yeah i mean but We are going to say it because this movie centers around a group called the Indian Guides and nobody in this movie, except for one kid at one point who says something like, well, that's not what Native Americans would do. So like you you know the word should be that, but everyone's just saying full Indian. I don't even think it's that anymore. I think it's indigenous people. yeah Either way, it's either one is better because they're both true.
00:31:35
Speaker
I was here. You know what's not true? They're not from India ah or the West Indies. But so they find this kid, Norman, stuffed in his locker because it's the 90s and he's gets picked on every day because he wears his little vest from the YMCA Indian guides to school. ah And so everybody shoves him in the locker. And I'm like, you know, I was a Cub Scout boy scout. You know what I didn't wear to school? My boy scout uniform. For sure. But this is ah this is a lifestyle choice for this guy.
00:32:03
Speaker
Yeah. Like i mean he's putting his all into it. Yeah. Everybody else that's in the group wears their their their garb at the meetings only. And he's like fuck year round, baby. Yeah. You see this vest? It's actually a fucking rocking ass vest. It is. Even if you are a Native American or a biker.
00:32:19
Speaker
at the wedding at the end, he's he's dressed like that, too. Oh, yeah. Or hipster. But, yeah. So JTT hears about this. He's like, well, that sounds stupid and embarrassing. So I'm going to make Chevy Chase do it. That'll get him out of my life. It's kind of definitely won't bond us together by doing all these things. Yeah. It's kind of a stupid plan. Yeah. Well, you got to let you got to make this guy.
00:32:39
Speaker
Sure, I guess even at 11, I'm like, well, Dan, that's going to torture me, too. I got to find another way. Maybe I'll put. I think the beginning of it is, you know, yeah, Jonathan Taylor Thomas isn't having fun, but he's having fun watching Chevy Chase be uncomfortable. Super uncomfortable. I'm just saying for me as a little kid, I would not be wanting to do any part of this. I want to know why is Chevy Chase not sitting with his legs like crisscross applesauce? Yeah.
00:33:06
Speaker
Can he not bend that way? He's racist. He refuses because of the name of that at the time. Yeah. Can you sit this way? Nope. We want you to sit again. Not preferred nomenclature. We want you to sit Indian style because this is the Indian guide. Whatever. Yeah.
00:33:21
Speaker
But now he's right, though, and he can't bend. He's just like, or he's like, I'm not going to look like he's just trying to look as uncomfortable as possible on legs. I could crisscross applesauce right now. He's doing it. I watch. Never mind. I'm watching his legs. I'm watching you crisscross applesauce. You do it all the time. So they go they go to their first meeting and they have this stupid song that's like the pals forever. That's our slogan. That's our song. So I don't know. It's really dumb. It's really bad. And then George went starts the meeting with Hi, how are you? Which I'm not gonna say the way that they've said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just imagine any old movie with a Native American speaking to John Wayne. Imagine saying, hi, how are you in a chanting matter over and over and it's racist. Did you find, is it Menetaka? Menetaka. Menetaka. I thought they were talking about men talking. That's probably why. We're the men who talk, Treb. Yeah. Because I got some stupid names here.
00:34:17
Speaker
But two of the fathers in this group are exciting. And it's, of course, they're in this movie because they're like gruff type of dudes. And it's funny to see them do silly things. We have Art Leflore, who has been on the show. Welcome back. He was in First Kid. First Kid. Thank you. Yeah. I couldn't remember. Which I'll tell you right now, if this movie had some Sinbad, just a star. Instantly a star. Yeah, but it would be like what, Sinbad dating Farrah Fawcett? That's not going to fit in 1995. No, I want Sinbad to be the guy that doesn't speak, except, you know, speak. Like I said, I'm doing this little mime routine. He's like a stand up. He could just be shopping. Is this thing on? So white people will be like, I don't know if he did those jokes, but it's 95. He did. He did a lot of them. My wife's stuff. Pretty clean, pretty clean. That's not a dirty joke. It doesn't have to be.
00:35:10
Speaker
But I think he did a lot more of the when guys do it, they do it this way, when girls do it, they do it this way kind of thing. You know, like, yeah, God, standup comedy in the 90s was awful. Whoa. Saggot. Oh, Saggot was pretty bad. Like the big stuff like the because that's the stuff that was popular, like then women do and men do. Yeah, you know who wasn't as popular and it should have been was Mitch Fucking Hedberg. Yeah, exactly. I loved him. Well, it was the it was the underground. comedy I was speaking the devil and he walked in.
00:35:38
Speaker
ah I got to smoke fake weed with the real Peter Frampton for a movie. And then I smoked real weed with a fake Peter Frampton. That was way cooler. Because he was in a movie with Peter Frampton. Yeah. I wish he was in this movie. Yeah. Was he still alive at 95? Yeah. Yeah. He passed away in 2001. That sounds about right. It was during it was just after he was on that 70s show. Yeah. OK. Oh, yeah. He was the clerk at the little diner thing they hung out at, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. He was the only person they had play that part. Oh, really? They never had anybody else. Oh, nice. ah you How do you place that? Right. You know, we got Joe Rogan just farting around. And then he and Hyde had like the match. I think. Yeah, he and Hyde had the matching glasses. Color lenses.
00:36:22
Speaker
ok And the other one we see is George Wendt, famous for... Norm! And according to the trivia... Oh, this better be a fun fucking fact. George Wendt's son plays Norman, who could also be called Norm. And George Wendt himself is famous for playing Norm on Cheers. Suck an egg. Thank
Farrah Fawcett's Legacy
00:36:43
Speaker
you. Egg sucker. What? Ooh, this isn't their first movie together. George Wendt and Chevy Chase. No, it's not. They've done Fletch already. Yes, that's right, Fletch. I knew they'd been at something. So what was this tidbit of information that you were excited to tell us? Oh, that was the one earlier about the director beating up Farrah Fawcett. That's fantastic. That's always funny.
00:37:02
Speaker
I forgot it dude. I mean she was never for me. She was a heartthrob to some so to a lot I mean it's in 70s right Charlie's Angels. Yeah, it was late 70s. I don't know big a big boomer babe. Yeah Yeah, she had the big big blonde hair fucking tan. She was a poster on a wall She was a poster on a lot of walls not mine. She was in a lot of garages. Oh, yeah Not just we're not walls because married dads couldn't have that, but they can have it in their garage. No, they had it in the inside of their tool cabinet. Like when you lifted it up, there she was because the wife wasn't going to go in there, apparently. Yeah. Women don't use women. Don't use women. Be like, I don't know. We learned that Chevy Chase doesn't either. Chase doesn't know shit about tools.
00:37:46
Speaker
Um, so a course it's like just about being one that, you know, how Farrah Fawcett was like, whoa, I never found Bo Derek to be a 10. Oh, no, not at all. Even though she played Bo Derek is is ahead of my time. Even watching Tommy boy is like her. Yeah. And I'm like, why? You should really look into Bo Derek's film career, though. Was she a porn? No, but the I don't remember the guy's name, but her husband directed pretty much every movie she was in. Oh, yeah didn wasn't he like just a fucking super cuck? Yeah, total cuck. Like like he wanted to do these movies, basically like every movie is her. I want to fucking someone else. They're always making out. It's always heavy. I don't know if he's French. It's like he was trying to make her. They did like a Tarzan movie and yeah where she's like, you know, mostly swing into my wife. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Swing right into her. I want you to swing into my daddy. Wait, no, not that one. So when you started out, I thought you were doing like a Antonio Banderas as Puss in Boots. Oh, swing into my wife. Swing into my wife. He and Meg Ryan were married, right? Not Meg Ryan. um Melanie Griffith. See? Cherry 2000. Yep. Hey. Whitney's favorite movie. I mean i think I need to rewatch it. Anytime you want. All right. So anyway. Hear that, Wes? I'm going to try it again. We learned that Art LaFleur is like the stickler of the group. He's always interrupting. and Actually, actually, point of order. Point of order, which is not funny.
00:39:08
Speaker
No, a couple of a couple of moments. It's kind of funny, but I think we can all say we love Art LeFlore, right? Yes. I mean, he's just a fucking awesome little character actor. This is not doing it for me, no except for like you said, a couple. But yeah, kind of wasted because I got excited when like all the names on screen before you hit play were right there. And I was like, fucking George went like that was the one I was most excited about the hardest. And Art LeFlore's name came up. I was like, fuck, yes, it's going to be dope.
00:39:33
Speaker
Isn't George Wynton a movie where he plays Santa Claus? Probably. Another Cheers episode that he plays Santa Claus. I think there's a movie where he plays Santa Claus, but it's like it's like a romantic comedy and like his daughter is marrying some guy who's going to be the next in line for Santa Claus or something. oh I'll watch that. I remember seeing it. Well, I remember. It doesn't matter. I didn't look it up. I just remembered it at this moment. So ah George went as the leader of the group. And then there's this other guy, Lloyd, Silent Thunder. I didn't get the name. His the actor's name. But he's basically just doing like really over the top. Mr. Mr. Bean, Mr. Bean, for sure. Your your wife had said it. It's like, yep, that's because it it's a mime kind of thing. Yeah. But then he is making some noises like he'll do like the cough and the poo kind of thing. But
00:40:20
Speaker
When when he's doing the stupid dance and these dads are all laughing and I'm like, this is not all. Not all the baby will not have a chance. A baby. And I want to say that's Jenny MacArthur, Jenny McCarthy, Jenny McCarthy. Is that a Hallmark movie? Probably. It's a baby. Don't vaccinate my children tonight. Yep. It's a TV movie. And then he was also Santa on Elf, the musical.
00:40:44
Speaker
Oh, so they have to pick their ah their native names. I'm not going to say unless I have to. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Only in quotes. Yeah. Or talking about the group. So Chevy Chase name is Jonathan Taylor Thomas after a Jimi Hendrix song. little Little Wing and Jonathan Taylor Thomas is like a squatting dog. Dude, I like the line because he's like, we got to do something better. He's like, I had a dog with the awful case of the squirts, but he was my bestest pal. Don't you have any other pets? ah There was a squirrel. His name was numbnuts. I'll take that but over squatting dog, dude. Yeah. Do you want me? Do you want to remember me as the dog with the squirts or the fucking squirrel with the dumb testicles? I'll take the dumb testicles so for a thousand.
00:41:28
Speaker
So, yeah, there's a whole mime dance scene or Mr. Bean dance scene, whatever that's. I'll reenact it right now. They do. ah they It's just the meeting. They're introducing how stupid this whole thing is. It's worse than. coing And it's setting the character thing, like you said, with Art Lafleur. Like, actually, we did what they say they did. They already did moccasin switch or something like that. Scramble, scramble, scramble. But now it's time for potato bowling. Either potato bowling or something else. I would assert dominance and eat that potato raw. Your wife has seen it. I have seen it. It was potato bowling or the grapefruit race, which we end up seeing later in the movie. Fucking no thanks, dude. I'm so happy I don't have kids. None of this. Like, I was in Cub Scouts. This is so much dumber. But this is a YMCA small group. I mean, it's three families right now.
00:42:12
Speaker
because no one wants to join it because it's horrible. to the dogs the shit It was just a way to connect with your child because, you know, these are parents that their parents weren't there for them. Well, except for a Mr. Bean and his kid. Oh, they're in love with each other. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, yeah, but maybe they didn't get that way. I don't know. I don't know. poke It's stupid. Yeah. ah We see Jonathan Taylor Thomas playing Tekken.
00:42:38
Speaker
which looks the original tech and I like dude we played this what is this fucking poly poly more fucking shit like it's all I don't know and I'm confused I mean I'm looking for polygonal yeah polygonal polygonal yeah that sounds worse polyramorous Now there's not there's not more than one ram on that a whole bunch of ram at the same time yeah But like later on he's playing a game ah they would they show it he's flying a ship. It's a game called wing commander I'm sure you guys knew that yeah who didn't write with yeah Totally called it
00:43:13
Speaker
I don't know. I feel like kids in the 90s, like now you have an adult who's like, oh, Wing Commander, dope. Oh, the brand new, coolest looking game. Dope. Back then, a kid would be like, no, I'm not playing Wing Commander. I played Tekken. Tekken blew that shit out of the water. You see how really it looks? Absolutely. But he's also a gamer. Yeah. He's got the... What's that game pro? He's got a PC set up in his... Yeah, he's got the game gear. Game gear. Say a game gear, he takes camping like a fucking... Did you say game bro?
00:43:34
Speaker
game pro oh i thought you said if i took if if because i got a bunch of campers in my family if i would have taken my game boy camping it would have been left there or i would have like no no no we're out in nature put that down pick up a gun okay when i was allowed i was allowed to have the game gear with me but my parents didn't bring extra batteries so we got it for the three to four hours that those eight or twelve double a batteries lasted at that that's why they didn't bring ah backups to well exactly like you get it for that much time and it's done
00:44:06
Speaker
yeah there's another game he mentions at some point that i want to play called subhuman slaughter or sluugh subhumanoid slaughterhouse five thousand sluts as the two thousand babyshit Cause like you're popping dudes like zits and stuff. I'm like, I don't know what system you're playing on, but I'm, I want it in PC, right? Must be his PC, right? That's what he's playing on later. Yeah. I don't know. Sounds fun though. I have a go. but She must earn a lot of money because they're in Seattle.
00:44:33
Speaker
And they have this really nice loft above a post office. She sells a lot of fucking art. to You know who she sells it to though? It's Jigsaw. Oh, yeah. We always wondered how he had so much time to make all these traps. Farrah Fawcett's making them. It's just fucking Tobin Bell calling Farrah Fawcett. He's like, do you want to design a game? I would like to play more games. Do you want to build me a game? Would you like to build a snow game? It's almost going Beetlejuice. Come for your daughter, Chuck.
00:45:03
Speaker
It's been too long. I mean, it hasn't, but it's been a long time since I've seen a saw. Uh-huh. So I can't do the voice. I like how you changed it. Seen a saw. It's been too long. Well, I haven't seen in a while. Yeah. I seen a saw. I don't know how you're gonna do it. Would you like to play a game? That's close. Not bad. It's Beetlejuice. Yeah. It's fine.
00:45:19
Speaker
I mean, he kind of looks like be I was like Batman. Do you want to play a game? But there's this one is the point where we they're talking about going on a camping trip. It's JTT and his friend Monroe. And of course, this is one of those lines I was talking about because he's got to be like, man, I never understand why white people sleep outside on the ground. You never catch a brother doing that. I'm like you calm the fuck down little rich kid. Who's who's writing this? a white person Two white guys to I guys they're gonna name like crux sack or something and when it's crook shank couldn't be a more white slave-owning name right
00:45:54
Speaker
announcing Master Cruickshank. I don't trust him. I don't trust him at all. So they have this cookout at George Wen's house. And this is when we first finally, however long we are in the movie. Oh, and JTT, he's pulling the wool over his eyes. Like, everyone's going to dress in traditional Native American garb. And then so fucking Chevy Chase shows up in a head-to-toe just Halloween costume with the headdress and the leather wraps. Yeah.
00:46:19
Speaker
And yeah, he's like, oh, it's it's cute. We don't dress up except for like big celebrations, but that's that's cool looking. ah But this is when we finally learned that the the Scappellis the mafia guys are chasing or or pursuing Chevy Chase trying to kill him. Yeah. Oh, my God. This one part pissed Jack the fuck off.
00:46:38
Speaker
Cause they're arguing and he's like, I could just put a round in him from here. And he's like, with what? And he pulls it like, he's like my 38. And he's like, 38 won't even make it across the street. Now this 22 has the velocity to travel the street, go through his head and into the neighbor's yard. And he's like, no. No, it doesn't. no does not Even I know that. A 22 is known for not going through anything. it's That's why you let children shoot them. Yeah. twenty two is ah It's a great gun when you're when you need a small caliber, but it's a training gun.
00:47:04
Speaker
It's the gun you shoot someone at with close distance so that the bullet gets trapped inside and scrambles everything. Saturday Night Special. Yep. I learned that from you. Hifer. Jonathan Taylor Thomas paints Chevy Chase's face. They're doing war paint stuff. Oh, and he told him, he's like, I can't use all paints. I get an allergic reaction. He's like, I read the label for you. That's really considered of you. He read it. He did read it. He made sure it was when he did it. What if it killed him? You little fucking brat.
00:47:31
Speaker
But it doesn't because it just swells up in the spots where the the paint was. So he's got two stripes on both cheeks and two on his chin and then a happy face on his forehead. happy face He goes three on the chin. Either way. Yeah. No, I want to be a point of order. um act Point of order. It was three. um Actually, this is Man of the House and no one gives a shit point of order. Go fuck yourself. You got a point of order. 1995's Man of the House.
00:47:58
Speaker
Yeah, not the fucking Tommy Lee Jones vehicle. Yeah, there's a worse one with Tommy Lee Jones. You almost can't be worse because it has Tommy Lee Jones. That's what it is. That's what I'm questioning here. Is it? Have you seen it? I've seen it. I've seen it. And it's fun. It's been many moons, but I'm getting conflicting reports here, pal. What were we talking about? The cookout. The cookout. Oh, the makeup, because now we have a Native American actor in the movie. Yes. Yeah. And he's talking with the judge. Which makes all these jokes OK. Yeah. Yeah, right? It's perfect. No, it's not. Especially at the wedding.
00:48:28
Speaker
But he's talking to the judge saying something like, look at how the defendant is. This is a joke. Yeah, this is a joke. And I think I should fucking get a mistrial that cuts to Chevy Chase's face with the shitty war paint. The red rashes. And he even does say, he's like, well, at least the smiley face isn't a Native American symbol. And he's like, see?
00:48:48
Speaker
ah He's played by, by the way, he's he's playing Chief Leonard Red Crow. He's played by a guy named Chief Leonard George, who's done some other acting. okay He was the only one I recognize. Well, he's in one episode of Stargate SG-1 as surprise elder number one. I bet you they run across a tribe somewhere. yep But he was in ah Smoke Signals, which I know about because our roommate keeps trying to get us to do it as an episode. But I'm like, everything I'm reading says it's a good movie. And I feel like it's just going to be us trying not to make insensitive jokes. Amber should have been on this one. Oh, my gosh. This would have been probably like an hour and a half for her infuriated at white people. Rightfully so. Especially at the end. Yeah, it would just become a history podcast to be like, OK, see, so first in 1841.
00:49:34
Speaker
I would be all about that. Are you kidding me? ah There is some more stuff. Call it the Trail of Beers.
00:49:44
Speaker
Canceled. I hope that's OK. There is some other way to listen back to this episode now and see if it got cut or not. There is some other stuff at the party. I mean, it's basically just ah we find out George George went is the stepdad, not a dad. Yeah, and he's trying to connect with Chevy Chase, trying to help him because he's like, I can see that this kid hates you. Maybe I can give you some advice. <unk> Just got to stick with it, buddy. And they're doing that stupid grapefruit race. And it's funny because like it's they're holding a grapefruit under their chin. And I'm only mentioning it because Chevy Chase has a pretty big chin. He can hold that a little bit. too But George Wendt is just holding it in his flaps. ah And I'm like, there's no way he dropped that thing. No way. it is He's got two chins holding it in. He threw it down. I think Chevy actually like
00:50:27
Speaker
Dropped his by accident. Like he says it squished. Yeah, you can see it and they put the fully worked it open with that chin He's like, yeah, yeah George wondered it looks like a ah ah pearl nestled inside of an oyster. It looks like the man in the boat. All right. And it is funny because it cuts to the the courtroom scene with Chevy Chase saying the line can't get any worse than this yeah to tribal war paint in the courtroom.
00:50:51
Speaker
And it's a tough scene after because you got, ah welcome back to the show, Ron Canada, yeah playing. He's probably the actual DA, because this is probably his assistant DA. Yeah, from previous episode, Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. He's like the the the tribe, I think they mentioned what tribe it is, but they're suing us over, it's a land dispute.
00:51:12
Speaker
Yeah. yada yada It's like, yeah, it's not going to go well for him. No. We know how this plays out in 95. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, that's our land. Well, you see. oh Oil. Finders keepers, losers weepers. Oil. Resources. We need them. You got them.
00:51:30
Speaker
It's the Salish tribe. Okay. Which I hope is real. I hope I didn't just say something terrible. Yeah. That's what they say in the movie. So I want to mention it in case it's a real thing. I hope so. I did not look it up. I'm not a research. Probably should have. Look, I'm not a research guy. Salicious. Salacious. B. Crumb. B. Crumb. I think they are American and Canadian Pacific Northwest. Okay. Yeah.
00:51:53
Speaker
All right. All right. So someone did some research. Yeah. Probably just chief Leonard Crow showing up or Leonard George, the actor. He showed up and said that. He's like, it's this cellist tribe. Please take out your hakum tuum tribe or whatever you called it. They can't have a hakum tuum tribe. In this terrible, terrible script. Also, can I have my paycheck? Oh, and from Washington to Montana.
00:52:12
Speaker
and get on somebody. But basically Ron Canada tells him, we're going to have to transfer you because or no, you have we're taking you off the case, the Indian guides because or you we're taking off the case because it's taking up too much of your time and you're fucking shit up. Yeah. ah So he tells Farrah Fawcett. He has to quit. JTT pretends to be heard about it, but then immediately goes in his room and calls his friend and he's like talking real loud on this like an amateur. Yeah.
00:52:38
Speaker
like yo I fucking fooled this dude he's gonna quit and he's gonna leave and it's my plan is going just to plan i i knew i articulate he's got away with words as ja plan is planning planning
00:52:57
Speaker
I'll tell you what I would do if I was Chevy Chase, man. I'd start leaving Polaroids, me banging his mom all around this kid's house, just putting him in his... On his bed? No, no, no. You put him in his pocket to the clothes he's about to wear. Put him in his backpack. I'll put him in a math book. He looks in his lunchbox and he's like, why is there a Polaroid of a galaxy? That's my mom's asshole. Picture of a peach instead of a peach?
00:53:18
Speaker
Why is there going to be Chase eating that peach? How many hours did he do that? Why is it just looking at the seed? My mom said she doesn't like kielbasa. Oh. Oh. Who eats Vienna sausages and peaches together? Oh. 10 inches, like a baguette.
00:53:38
Speaker
But also during this scene, this is when she's telling Chevy Chase, maybe we took this too fast. Maybe we need to, like, you need to move out and whatever. Maybe it's Maybelline. But yeah, he overhears Jonathan Taylor Thomas bragging about it. And I thought he was going to start fucking with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That's what I wanted. If this was jungle to jungle, this was Tim Allen. That's what he'd start doing, fucking with the kid. Oh, yeah. I think Chevy Chase was trying to change his image, maybe.
00:54:01
Speaker
because he's nice in this. OK, he just gets nicer. Yeah, that's not Chevy Chase. you're You're saying like just as an actor, he's like, oh, look, I can do this role. So like, maybe give me some more work. I'm a nice yeah guy. Let me be in something that doesn't have ah Dan Aykroyd with a dick on his face. yang yang ya By the way, don't change the dial on nothing but trouble. I know everybody has done that movie who does bad movie podcasts, but I'm not excited. We got to. I know. we I know we have to. I'm not an excite, though. I bought it from Shout Factory just for this. Oh, that'll do it.
00:54:31
Speaker
That really fluffed my nother. You can watch it in high definition. Good. I get to see a dildo nose in high definition. Would you like to invite a friend? Will that make it better? Would you like to phone a friend? I gotta make a friend first. I don't think I'd go meet someone. I have to build a friend. I was like, what about one of the peoples that you've already collected? Yeah.
00:54:52
Speaker
No, um i anybody listening that wants to be a guest on that right in. Like in your place or just in your house? I'll teach you all I know about Mark Wahlberg impersonations. Well, we can give Jack a day off. No, I don't get days off. No, it's easy to do a Mark Wahlberg impersonation. It's not easy to say, though. You just have to imagine. And you talk like this, bro. Yeah, you imagine you're beating up a Vietnamese grocer. Yeah, bro. You punched a blind right out of him. Yeah.
00:55:19
Speaker
Uh, we could have somebody, like we could have bleep or Brandon or Vern back. Anybody that really wants to though. Cause I think this is a kind of coveted bad movie. I love them. You know, it's kind of up up there in the Mount Rush more of like, you gotta see it to believe it awful. Yeah. I never saw it until, um, my ex made me watch it. She's like, what do you mean? You've never seen that you love movies. This is a great movie. And we watched it and I was like, what in the actual fuck and John Candy drugs were these people doing? They are not desirable.
00:55:47
Speaker
um You get an awesome cameo. This is not double team. Double team has desirable drugs. Nothing but trouble does not. It's like it's like someone was like, well, we're running out of cocaine, but if we turn it into crack, we'll have way more. It's like if meth had a baby with Ritalin. Oh, God. That's incestual.
00:56:07
Speaker
ah There is a bit where Chevy Chase goes to see George Wendt. And I only want to mention it because of George Wendt's line about like, hey, man, we're all part of the same tribe. And he's like, yeah,
Stereotypes of 40+ Men
00:56:15
Speaker
the minute talk. He's like, nope, emotionally constipated men over 40 or whatever. Like, I've heard like you mean the boomer generation. Yeah, I have heard the term emotionally constipated before. What? No way. You've never heard that. came downy But no, this is it's a fun delivery
90s Nostalgia Scenes
00:56:30
Speaker
from George. Uh, we get the, uh, we, we know george we know that this movie is firmly planted in the nineties aside from the Geraldo and Donahue reference and the brute and the speed stick because Jonathan Taylor Thomas is rollerblading with his Walkman. Uh-huh. And that's it.
00:56:46
Speaker
Yes, that's how you know little fucking wieners got the brakes on his inlines Yeah, if you're gonna aggressive in line the pads are fine. You don't want to break a risk. He does I mean i won eighty I kept my knee pads because because I really fucked that shit up Yeah, but like if my parents weren't around I didn't have the elbow pads or the wrist I didn't I did the wrist because I've had some pretty nasty falls and Yeah. But that was an aggressive inliner. I ate extreme Doritos. It apparently sounded like Macho Man. Oh yeah. Snap it to him. I got you for five minutes. Bonesaws ready. come on Give me more. Give me more. That's just directly from Spider-Man. Mow. Mow. Mow. That's how we get back on track now. Leonard Red Crow shows up and Chevy Chase has him there. I guess this is Chevy Chase's way of kind of fucking with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. just He's like, we're taking this shit more seriously. It's not like doing pranks to a kid, which would be funny. He's like, I'm going to take his plan and do it to him now.
00:57:49
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going to make you hate it and I'm going to really, really love it. Yeah. So we get a montage of him being a little shipper, teaching them to dance, to do a rain dance to the song. Everybody dance now. By the way, the subtitles.
00:58:06
Speaker
The subtitles were putting the lyrics to this song up and I was like, what? Yeah, I've never heard the lyrics to those Jim Jab lyrics I've ever read. Well, do we got a fucking fat ass beat like that? You can skimp on the lyrics. Like, hey, no one is going to be listening to this. It's going to be a bunch of cocaine dancing. Just make it. Everyone dance now. Like ah Jonathan Davis's lyrics, like inga bu baka binga doo daka. Uh, made more sense than the lyrics in this song. That's a bold statement.
Creators and Parodies
00:58:37
Speaker
Also, leave there's these two guys, I'm sure there's a bunch of them, there's two guys I found recently on like Instagram and TikTok who do like songs of one band and this one guy, somebody had him do scat man and the style of corn. I saw that. I was like, that is so perfect. It's yeah funny.
00:58:55
Speaker
ah That guy I don't like as much because he thinks he's cool and talented. He's one with long hair and he looks like a rock star, but he's on Instagram. The other guy is just like some nerdy basement dweller dude who makes these bangin' ass songs. Blonde Kim with glasses? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just makes the craziest fucking songs. I think the first one I saw was him doing Every Morning but by Disturbed. Ooh. I think that was it. That's a good that's a good matchup.
00:59:23
Speaker
Anyway, this montage is them learning how to shoot arrows, throw Tomahawks, do a rain dance. I know all those Native American things. I did like when sarcasm, by the way, we say Chief Leonard. Yeah, Leonard Red Crow. OK, so when when Red Crow is showing JT the plants, it looks like he's showing him poison ivy. He's like getting his face like up in there and smelling it like it's like his lesson is now touch it. Now rub it on your face. You feel that? Do you feel how it burns? Yeah, it's poison ivy dip. Oak. That would have been oak.
00:59:52
Speaker
Oak. Yeah. But at the end, they do their rain dance. They're actually like, I guess, probably doing somewhat of a real kind of thing. It looks more traditional than what they start out doing, which is like yeah dancing. I have gone to some. um It looks like dances I've seen. i mean But the montage arizona is just fucking around. yeah I mean, what is this little thing that little Norman is doing?
01:00:13
Speaker
Can you please explain that? She said a little more missing. I was like, who the fuck is the little Mormon? Oh, he's like more than it's soaked dancing. But if it's a little Norman, it's not a trick question. There's no dancing and womanism. But he was like jackhammering his cross dancing. He's ah Steve Buscemi from Airheads, dude.
01:00:32
Speaker
Why are you thrusting at the convicts?
Unexpected Bonding Moments
01:00:35
Speaker
Yeah, the quiet one, his son is tearing it up. He's doing some actual break dancing. Yeah, this kid does like backflips and like breakdancing maneuvers and shit. Obviously, they hired a kid who could dance. The other kid's not that bad either. The other nameless kid, I think it's already the floor's kid. adults, because now we get to probably the toughest, most prolonged scene that they had to film in the movie was getting three white dudes and their kids to dance and sing. Four white dudes. Oh, four white dudes and their kids. I forgot about Chevy. No, no. Point of order. There was four kids.
01:01:09
Speaker
ah act There's one more thing, but they do the dance and it actually starts raining and then you can see Leonard Red Crow like oh shit motherfucker that work Guys have got it because when they're talking about they're like, oh they're gonna teach us he's gonna teach us how to rain dance He's like we live in Washington. Oh, this is where he says that I knew there was a point where he says he's like This is Seattle what you yeah need to rain dance for and who do you think responsible? Yep shit So, yeah, it all ends and like they're connecting and it's sweet and saccharin Chevy Chase. tucking I got a cavity. Yeah, I had to go get a insulin shot. I threw up. You did. I heard it.
01:01:48
Speaker
but um um So then there's another little sweet scene. They invite Norman to sleep over with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. He's against it at first. You know, he's like, well, that's going to hurt my rep. and Exactly. he's He's Jonathan Taylor Thomas. He's the cool kid. And, you know, chev he's kind of playing ah Zachary Tybrian's character. OK. Um, improvement here. He's like, no, I'm the cool teenager. yeah Yeah. Right. There's no such thing. No. And you got a stupid haircut. That was the best. I know. I know it was. But as somebody with poofy hair, I could never have it so much. Fuck you.
01:02:20
Speaker
Poofy. I had a similar haircut. Mine flapped out. I had a similar haircut, but it wasn't as cool-looking. Called products. Yeah, I didn't know about products. Cool and hard quotes. I had the same haircut. It just didn't flow the right way. Yeah, because you didn't have product. We didn't know about product. You had that hair when you got back from being on the road. I had that hair a lot. If I just forget to cut my hair for a year, which I do often. Dude, please grow that out. Please.
01:02:45
Speaker
His hats won't fit. It gets grown out. Buy a new hat. But then the summer happens. He already has the largest. He can't get any bigger. That's can't get any bigger. Oh, come on.
Listener Engagement
01:02:55
Speaker
Well, actually, is there a picture of Andre the Giant, a hat? Because if he could get one, you can get one. Not a baseball hat. He could afford a specially made one. He probably had a cowboy hat, huh? He probably had like a fedora. Yeah, they took three cowboy hats, cut them up, taped them back together. My first person to send me a picture of Andre the Giant, a cowboy hat, gets to be our guest on Nothing But Trouble. And it's a free copy of Deadly Run on DVD. Would you quit chumming the waters of that? It's not sweetening any pots. Salt, not sugar. Sorry, wife was saying the email address there.
01:03:25
Speaker
Bad Movies Wears People at gmail dot.com. Don't forget the dot com people. Well, if you. Yeah. How else do you write an email? oh i I have ah have a a person at work that doesn't. But so, yeah, they're having the sleepover. They have it like a sweet moment. Norman gives him a little ah vest that he made by hand. Kind of shocked he was psyched about it i because like he's been this kind of like I don't want to hang out with a little nerd kid. Yeah. He still is not liking the guides. I think he's doing it, but.
01:03:55
Speaker
Well I guess he is liking it. This is the part that he's he's really getting into. I thought it was gonna be like this, oh thanks, a vest, but it just turns right around. He's like, fuck yeah, dude. Well I think it's because he's like, the kid's like, I made it by hand, I did all the beads, I did all this stuff. and He's like, it's a trauma dump, but he doesn't. Because he's like, I don't have a lot of, oh this beadwork must take on you forever. I don't have a lot of other things to do with my time.
01:04:15
Speaker
Yeah, but I think you try maating Jonathan Taylor Thomas is like, wow, nobody's ever actually put effort into anything for me except my mom. So are they supposed to be the same age, but they wanted in somebody smaller than JTT? That sounds about right. They just grabbed a younger kid, an actual 11 year old. Maybe they're grade different, but yeah.
01:04:35
Speaker
This is what 11-year-olds actually look like. Not a 14-year-old does. This is 11-year-olds playing a 9-year-old. This is 14-year-olds playing an 11-year-old. Chevy Chase is playing an 18-year-old. And one of the Power Rangers is 106.
01:04:48
Speaker
He was only 26. God, dude's a hard 26, man. You know, 90s. I got nothing. Chevy Chase was way older than 26. What did I just know? We're talking about the Mighty Mushroom Poncho Rangers. I was making jokes about all them playing the wrong age, so I said Chevy Chase is supposed to be 18. Yeah. It's a bad joke. No, it was me half listening. I'm getting better. Again? I'm getting better. Wait, she's listening half the time now. This is improvement. That's 52% more than before.
01:05:17
Speaker
She was negative? but So he wears the vest to school.
01:05:25
Speaker
He wears the vest at school, the bullies are picking on little Norman, and he goes and sticks up for him. Of course, his friend is like, fuck that. You guys were both like, good friend. I'm sitting here going, yeah, no, you walk away from those bullies. No, you fuck that, dude. No, you get in their face. Look, bulk and skull over there are about to throw this kid through a window. Do you know what stops a bully from bullying you? Punching them in the nose. Murder kicks to the nuts. Nah. You guys never watched a Back to the Future movie? You do anything to the bully, it gets worse. No.
01:05:53
Speaker
Look, you fill his car with shit, he gets more angry and tries to rape your mom that you're trying to sleep with. But also, counterpoint. view ah point of order Point of order. Point of order. When George McFly finally punches him, what happens in that timeline? He becomes his little bitch. Yeah, but what happens in number two? He steals a book. And then owns the world. Yeah. He becomes Donald Trump. He has like a tower and everything. But without that magical book, he'd still be a little bitch.
01:06:19
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, now let's watch those. I love them right now. I love those. I do, too. So of my favorite movies. I think I said that at least for the first. You know, it's one of my favorite one is to whichever one I just watched. Oh, OK. Quite literally. I think one's my favorite. It's hard not to be right. I love them all. Yeah. I saw three in theaters in Iowa. Three is the is not is definitely not the best of the three. But it's the least regarded. But it's got a time travel train like the top. It's got a time travel train. It's important. It's very important. So anyway, that happens. They both get shoved in the lockers. They're bonding just like him and Chevy Chase. Look, Jonathan Taylor Thomas is becoming less of a shitbird and just a shit growth. Yeah. He's growing as a character into a full size turn. He's going from shitbird turn.
01:07:04
Speaker
So the the scapellis like so there's a thing where they're supposed to go on ah a canoe ride or something Yeah, oh we we didn't say that when they were staking out that the having a 38 22 conversation Papa the Sun scapelli You said it has to be a son son Kelly. He has to be has to be an accident. Yeah, we'll make it like an accident. Nope. Now we're just hunting. They abandon. That's later. Oh, sorry. But no, this one, they're still trying. This is. Yeah, this is because the kids are all supposed to go on a canoeing trip. Chevy Chase is on his way. They ram him in a truck. The Scapellas do. And he finds out his brakes are out. And I mean, it's a pretty good.
01:07:45
Speaker
scene stunt wise driving through this traffic. I mean, obviously it's all set up, but like him weaving through this traffic, whipping around that corner when Sandra Bullock comes through with that bus because she can't slow down either. They were guys. It was just Chevy. You caught him over. It was just Chevy Chase.
01:08:01
Speaker
You have an impact when it slowed us down and then we would have gone boom boom. Quick, hide all the minorities. Chevy Chase is coming. Look, Dennis Hopper would have given us a break if we hit Chevy Chase. He probably would. Yeah, he would. You know, that guy directed five movies. Two of them were awesome. And then he had like one bad one and then was just like relegated to nothingness. Talk about the guy that did Speed? Yeah.
Director Yann de Bont's Career
01:08:25
Speaker
Yann de Bont. He's a cinematographer and he's done a bunch of stuff, but he directed. What's the other good one?
01:08:29
Speaker
He directed Speed, he directed Twister. Oh, fuck yeah. And then he did Speed 2. Fuck no. And then he did two more garbage movies. I can't remember now what they were. I couldn't even get through Speed 2 the last time I tried to watch it. I had a customer come in and ask me, okay, we were talking about movies and he's like, have you seen Twisters yet? And I was like, not the new one. um And he's like, but yeah, they filmed near where I live. And I was like, that's awesome. Glenn Powell took a shit in the top of my toilet and left. Fuck, yeah. And then ah one of the regular. tots Yeah, like the upper decker. Yeah, upper decker. Oh, one of the regulars was like, yeah, we had two tornadoes this summer. And I was like, um, actually, my husband's point of order. My husband said that ah that was just the Twister's movies getting um advertisement for promotions for Twister's. they were real Somebody got a camera. You can't buy promotion like this.
01:09:20
Speaker
I was like, I'm just kidding. He's not that crazy of a person. Yes, people. It's not that crazy. But so they tried to kill him in this car accident. He drives off the pier into the bay. And I was like, well, Chevy Chase is dead. You don't drive a car into the water and live. Now, he knows how to break the window at that chin. That's fair. He just wiggles his chin on the glass. Oh, no, it's the 90s. He had a club in his car. He opened the door before it hit the water. Now you got to break that window. That's a play. But yeah, he's always Scappelli's are right there on the fucking scene. too Yeah, they are like elbowing people out of the way. You're making an entrance to your own. You're on this dock with a bunch of dudes wearing hard hats dressed like people who work for a living. And you all come up.
01:10:01
Speaker
in your expensive suits, elbowing everybody out of the way. Look, these fucking union guys know. Yeah. Like, uh-oh. Exactly. Important suits. They might run us. And then they're like, let's get
Chevy Chase's Narrow Escape
01:10:12
Speaker
out of here before anybody sees us. I'm like, they all saw you. Everybody saw you. In the van that was actually doing the ramming. How did they keep up? I don't know. Because that was like a moving truck. It's a moving van. Like, I might be able to keep up in Steve. The meanwhile the Indian guys leave Jonathan Taylor Thomas behind because well Chevy Chase isn't there they do offer to bring him but he's like nah I don't want to go and as they're driving away they wave at him out the window and that's the one that just had me rolling. Oh my god and just to make it better it flashes to all of them.
01:10:44
Speaker
Yeah, it cuts through all of it. We get a wave montage of everybody except the mistress. I think it was just to show that Jonathan Taylor Thomas could make himself cry. He's like, look, I'm crying at a movie. I mean, he's acting. He's doing work here. I have to tell you, the whole time I was just kept waiting for him to break out in song. Has he read the magazine yet? Yeah, this was during the montage. Oh, yeah. He's got the magazine with the Lion King on the back of it. Yeah.
01:11:10
Speaker
Because, you know, synergy, dude. Yeah, Disney. Vertical integration. It came out at 95, didn't it? 94, 3. Oh, 92, because I was in fifth grade. Maybe it was advertising a video, like a Lion King video game or Lion King on fucking VHS. I think it was a play, maybe. Well, that wasn't because that was like the animated pictures. I think it was just it was Disney just being like, hey, guess what else we made? Lion King. You recognize this kid's voice from something? This voice from my video? Not the singing. That's definitely not him.
01:11:38
Speaker
Singing is a young black child who got no credit and probably barely got paid. We're going to an elephant graveyard people. Mufasa. But Chevy Chase, you he's disappointed. Jonathan Taylor Thomas is disappointed in Chevy Chase. He doesn't want to tell them about the ah attempted murder. He doesn't want to worry them.
01:11:55
Speaker
so he just like, oh, I had car trouble, whatever, JTT's mad at him. He's like, I give you my word, nothing will interfere with our July 4th trip. Did you not learn anything from a few scenes ago? Cut to Ron Canada just ruins everything. Well, did you not learn anything from a few scenes ago when you said, this can't get any worse, and then cut to the fucking courtroom with Chief Leonard? Yep. Come on. Because now you've got Ron Canada's like, we're shipping you to Portland, dude. Nope.
01:12:21
Speaker
We have to put you in witness protection kind of. It'll be wrapped up by the end of July. Look, we're getting you five hours away. There's no way they'll find you. I'm really glad that these the ah Indian guides didn't have some sort of Thanksgiving celebration because it'd be really awkward. Also, this movie is taking place in July. Uh huh. Why the fuck are these kids in school? No, yeah it's not July yet. They're talking about you're going to. That's awful. They're talking about going to a camping trip in July. So he's probably out of school by now. They don't start until after Labor Day. We start in August. They don't start till the end of well they don't want those kids wearing white. I never understood that. When can you wear white again, then? I don't know.
01:13:03
Speaker
I'm not a boomer. Before Labor Day. Yeah. I don't know. The next year. What the hell was that all about? Like, Labor Day's over so it's time to toughen up, take off your white linens and put on your fucking khakis. Yeah, because fall is now here and now you wear darker colors. I don't. Got it. Look, Labor Day has passed. We no longer care about the laborers. Put back on your work, fucking jumper, and get out there. Maybe.
01:13:23
Speaker
but start huckin' rocks or whatever you do for a job. Dude, who's paying you to hug rocks? Ivan Ooz? Oh, he's not paying, man. He pays those parents on the stuff. He calls it Ivan's Ooz, but... They call it slave labor. Yeehaw! Yeah, but he's like, so what's what's more important to you, Chevy Chase, than staying alive? A camping trip with Ben. Oh, heartwarming.
01:13:50
Speaker
Or you just go to Farrah Fawcett and Jonathan Taylor Thomas and say, the mafia wants to murder me, so we're taking a trip. Yeah, I thought it was going to be that JTT hears like, oh, the mafia tried to kill you. I still don't fucking care. Yeah, you're still a dick. But he's like, when he does find out later, he's like, whoa, dude, why didn't you tell me? Yeah, I was. It was 100 percent for me. One of those things where he's going to be like, my brakes went out and I crashed into the bay and Jonathan Taylor Thomas was going to be like, I don't care. You ruined our plans. But it wasn't.
01:14:17
Speaker
I wanted to go white water wafting. They did good thing there, though, by making his you know character development growth be actual goodness. like He's still a serial killer at the end of this. Oh, definitely. Still boiling heads in acid, dude. um Or the other thing he describes that we'll get to, which is I was like, wow, that's brutal. Yeah. but ah They go on their camping trip They're all hiking through the woods and then the camera pans over about eight and a half feet And there's the scapellas right behind them with fucking hunting rifles like suits by the way like we We're not in any sort of Fatigue's leisure outfit like we are in fucking well, this is the old Mafia. They always wore suits This isn't like the Sopranos Mafia where they always wear fucking ah track Track suits, you know, like yeah they they wear comfortable suits they wear leisure suits
01:15:09
Speaker
but yeah they're following them ah there's a whole thing about setting up the campite and jtt is still mad at chevy chase so he's like you cannna help me set up the tent or what he's like no i can't my back sore i just had flashbacks to having a teenager who wants to complain about back pain and i'm like bro you your back might hurt i'm not saying it doesn't You don't know. Yeah, it's guess what? It gets worse. You think your back hurts. and I've told her that you think your back hurts now. Just wait 20 years. It can't get any worse. Oh, no. ah Chevy Chase and Silent Bob. Silent Thunder. That's why I said Silent Bob. Do a little a little shtick here.
01:15:49
Speaker
Oh, this is a total ah curly and mow situation. We're not going to describe it too like too too much, because it's all pantomiming. But these just guys are dead. Yeah. They're smacking each other with these wooden poles. Yeah, he starts off by saying, he's like, let's make him laugh, and then smacks the dude in the back of the head with a solid wooden ah pole. And then much later, hits him in the head with a metal sledgehammer. And then hits himself in the head.
01:16:11
Speaker
If they're like pantomiming it and not really hitting each other, that's one thing. But the Foley artists decided they are really hitting each other. Yeah. Because you hear like cracks and bangs and thunks. Somebody released a YouTube video of Home Alone with blood added. I only want that here. I just like have a doctor watch it and like, well, he'd be smashed right there. That would be out of his head. That would be there.
01:16:32
Speaker
So they're having this like campfire and Chevy Chase is like, I'm going to tell you this, you know, ancient Native American tale. And then he proceeds to spill trauma dump all of JTT stuff onto this group and everybody. And by the way, he's doing the voice of like the I won't do the the affection, the how they used to talk in John Wayne movies. Yeah, it's that like me, me Chevy Chase have problem with Little Sun. Yeah, and this is that part where the one kid is like, actually, that's not how Native Americans spoke, and he's like, doing it for comedic effect. I know, it's funnier this way. Shut up, kid. Look, it's funnier when it's racist. I don't care. I don't care about your stupid little fucking politically correct feelings, your little snowflake. But it's like, it's supposed to be this funny story, but it's just like, this kid's dad left him, waved at him and everything. It was great. And then I moved in. Now, anytime someone waves at him, he cries. He can't even go to the ocean.
01:17:30
Speaker
Tides coming in. You want to go surfing? like go Don't worry. Why am I just picturing Adam Sandler on a boat crying? That's a good image. Don't worry, kid. The salt water will wash away your tears and you won't even notice. The ocean is made from little boys crying because their fathers left them. At least over in Ireland. What do you think you got over here? Don't have a dot. Was that Gorgo? Gorgo, yeah. Can I speak to your dad? Don't have a dot. What? We definitely landed in Ireland. Back when orphans were just like kids who wandered the streets. Yeah? Yeah, they they think they still are in Ireland.
01:18:12
Speaker
Well I don't have a dad, I don't have a mom. Well who do you live with? Myself. I live outside. I live with me dog. I live right above a pub. Makes it easier to get home when I'm drinking. Aren't you six? Seven and a half. Look I live with me dog in case I get hungry.
01:18:30
Speaker
He's dog turds. I thought about like, that's what went through my head is he's eating dog shit. You can't take a dog. I just choked on air. I choked on laughter. This is going to be trouble. You know, you need that shit. I've forgotten how to read. I've forgotten how to read. Breathe. Speak. It's good that we don't have a podcast.
01:18:55
Speaker
That's actually my mantra before we start recording. I breathe, read, speak. So in the morning Jonathan Taylor Thomas is sent to go fill the canteens. He spots the scapellas. One of them's in the water catching fish with his bare hands. Did he do it? What's that called? Like noodling? Yeah. we Well, that's how you get catfish.
01:19:12
Speaker
Yeah, but he's everybody he's doing. He's just bare handing it. yeah He's bare fishing. I've never been fishing, boss. I like this. I love there's yelling exposition. They're like, after we're done killing that guy, we should come back and keep fishing. Did you hear me, boss? We've got to kill that guy. No, he says Sturgis. Yeah, he says his name. I know, but he's like he's yelling it to make sure the JTT
Characters' Escape Plan
01:19:33
Speaker
can hear. Yeah. Even later, his he says like when when Jonathan Taylor Thomas runs back, tells Chevy Chase about the men in suits fishing. There's three men in suits fishing over there.
01:19:42
Speaker
They go back killing you. Yeah. They go back to the water and the guy's like, well, if you were better at faking car accidents, then we wouldn't be in this. Like, it's like, what are you doing? Quit yelling all your crimes. Do you remember when you swore revenge to your father?
01:19:58
Speaker
Why didn't you tell me you went to Cox and why don't you tell me that the cuts are break lines? Because you would have overreacted you little bitch. Yeah. Kind of like you are now. You wouldn't have believed me. Listen to you. You won't shut up. And honestly, he can't probably wouldn't have because it would have been such an asinine story. Yeah. Like outlandish. Somebody cut your brakes. Yeah. Sure they did. Shut up.
01:20:17
Speaker
You were at the strip club. I see glitter in your car. Look, you're a defense attorney. No one's mad at you, or a not a defense attorney, a prosecuting attorney. There's no way a criminal could possibly be mad at you. But he ends up being the defendant in the Native American Land case. So, I mean, I guess he's just, he's ADA. Yeah, he's, well, he's, yeah, he's defending for the United States. Yeah. But yeah, so he sends everybody away. He's like, get the fuck out of here so you don't die. I'm going to distract these guys, I guess, as his plan. Okay. Yeah. Everybody, all,
01:20:44
Speaker
what, three of the parents and then four of the kids, all seven of you go to the ranger station, I'm going to lead them further up or down the mountain. He says up, but they're going down. He definitely fucking slips and goes halfway down this mountain. Well, I think he was going, he was intending to go up the mountain. Yeah. But no, that's not the move though. The move is you all fucking leave. Yeah. You all leave together. You go find a fucking cop and you go say, hey, this kid heard them. There's three men in suits fishing and they all have hunting rifles.
01:21:12
Speaker
Well, that's illegal. You can't fish with a rifle. this you It shouldn't be illegal. We found something else. We find something else. out That's illegal. Point of order. why order I had actually known the point of order. I knew this. I know. I was just saying. The world knows now. The world knows. everybody every The whole world that watched this movie knows yeah you can't have a firearm in a state park. Yeah, all 40 million people. Movie tickets were a dollar, right? About that. It was the 90s, a wild time. I remember you could go to a movies with 20 bucks and get like soda on a popcorn also. Chevy Chase falls down a mountain. The second time your wife sounded like a boomer. Gets pinned by a log and who shows up but Jonathan Taylor Thomas to rescue him?
01:21:52
Speaker
We got to stick together. Don't worry. I'm a little kid. I'll save you. I can pick up this log that you could no one. You know what? You couldn't lift the log because he was pushing down on it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I thought it was just the power of love. It turns out lift involves going up. ah You know what else could have worked? Lift away versus rotation, motherfucker. It's not that hard. Away would have also worked. Slide your leg. I mean, we pointed out it's a dead fucking tree log. We've all been up to the mountains. We've all had these. It's not that heavy. Come on. I was like 11 years old and built a bridge across a little river up and on the mountain with my friend. We were moving logs 10 times bigger than this because they're dead, they're empty, they're hollow. Like the bugs have eaten all the shit. That's really dangerous, by the way, trying to cross the river on dead log. Yeah, it's fine. Did you fall in? But did you die? We didn't die. yeah Did you fall in? Probably not. I don't remember.
01:22:43
Speaker
I don't know, I'm a little concussed. I don't remember my childhood. So I remember making the bridge and then I remember being 10. I remember building the bridge because we left it there and we're like, we're going to check and see if it's still there when we get back. And I don't think we ever did. It wasn't. I think that was the last time I was on that mountain until I was on mushrooms in my teens. Ooh. That's another story. Sounds great. Sounds like a lovely little time. Made it halfway up the mountain, mushroom started kicking in, stopped. Yeah.
01:23:11
Speaker
I like this spot a lot. I'm feeling really good about this spot out of one of those side road pullouts for the next six hours. Hopefully nobody comes and talks to me. um So they decide they need to stop the Scappellis and they come up with this asinine idea. I'm glad you use that word because I was just in my head like fucking asinine to cut down a tree branch that has a beehive on it and use it as a trap. You're you're dead, by the way. You're getting my girl. Yeah.
01:23:41
Speaker
He needs his glasses. Can't see without his glasses. He needs his rollerblades. He can't see without his rollerblades. He needs his Walkman. That makes sense. I can't hear without my glasses on. He can't listen him without his Walkman. Yeah, dude, you got the JTT is just right up on this beehive, cutting it down and then walking with it.
01:24:00
Speaker
but it's It's what? Like a foot away from him? Yeah. These bees are fucking pissed. Oh, this talking about the scene. I know where the budget went. Oh, the GB's CG Tomahawk. And there's another thing that's like a GB thing. Oh, the arrows.
01:24:15
Speaker
There is a couple of. Yeah, when it's following the arrow Robin Hood style. Yeah, that's a probably pretty expensive shot for this. Yeah. So that's when they explain the one guy to the. Oh, yeah. Is that CG? I thought that was just. No, it's just like film trickery. It's like they had them in there, filmed it, pulling it out. That's what I thought it was. Reverse just doing reverse because there's no way your suit folds into the way of these arrows that are coming at him, because when those arrows went in, his suit went like like flipped outward toward them.
01:24:45
Speaker
Good sound effect. Yeah. But so they have a be try to be tried. Be tried. Be hive trap that they've set for these guys. ah They're OB b jtt is making them run from his or they're going toward him because he's got his bow and arrow and they're like, we're not afraid of you, you little shit or something like that.
01:25:03
Speaker
And then Chevy Chase Tomahawks' beehive down onto these dudes. Right on the Scappelli. And then the next shot, they've just got some welts. They're not dead. I mean, how did you stop this attack? Because what happens is the Scappelli, the elder, we'll call him, I don't know, Boss Scappelli, he's now got a gun on both of these guys.
01:25:25
Speaker
So how does it go from that to how did you stop these bees? They ran away. um The movie hit 97 minutes and they were like, guys, that's it. because The budget ran, the bee budget ran out because they had already found the dynamite and the mine.
01:25:41
Speaker
Yeah, I go to seal them up in this mine that Rambo was hanging out and now we're gonna get to JTT being an absolute oh monster I do love this Chevy Chase says you it's kind of boring you could throw us off some jaggy old seal them up in the mine with dynamite seen it once you've seen a thousand times But yeah Jonathan Taylor Thomas is is ah you could wrap us in wet rawhide. So when it dries out, it'll mash us like a tube of toothpaste and our guts will come out of either end. A point of order before that, he says, because he could drill a hole in the back of our heads with an electric power tool to make it look like an industrial accident. Like, dude, raw. And then the rawhide thing, even the fucking, uh, the Scappelli's like, good God. Your son is demented. Well, they're like, if he was going to live past this, I would recommend you seek some kind of psychiatric help. I think we're doing you a favor by putting him down. Surprisingly, not a therapist joke, because it's a 90s movie. Anytime therapy came up, it was like, poof.
01:26:37
Speaker
They actually didn't get like any lawyer jokes either. No, like yeah kind of expected some of that and No, we kind of do at the end. You call me the bad guy. You're the lawyer. What do you mean? That's all you make aren't you some hotshot lawyer? Yeah, that's that's kind of but I wanted like scumbag lawyer just and Well, because he's ADA, he's not- The difference between a lawyer and a snake is the tie. Some rotten Dangerfield version of that. The other parents and the kids all show up to save these guys. They reveal themselves one at a time. They're all pointing bows and arrows at them and whatnot. And my bow and my axe.
01:27:17
Speaker
And you have my bow, and my bow, and my bow. yeah Anybody got anything but a bow? Okay, so we have bows. Yes. Did anybody bring anything besides a bow? George Wendt comes out. You've got my hi high cholesterol.
01:27:34
Speaker
Oh, man, you know George Rhett was putting a little whiskey in that coffee. Oh, yeah yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Especially in the middle of the night when they're in the campfire and he's drinking his coffee cup. I'm like, uh-huh. That's what you're doing. Coffee. His son's going to grow up and try coffee. Like, that doesn't smell anything like dad's coffee. And it's hot? Huh.
01:27:50
Speaker
I thought coffee was, coffee was supposed to have what he called rocks in it. I always, my dad always drink iced coffee. That's weird. But they stopped the Scappellis. Art Lafleur, after pointing out you can't have a gun, takes the gun and carries them out at gunpoint, basically. ah But I guess you got to do something, right? Yeah. he As soon as he finds that ranger station. Yeah.
01:28:12
Speaker
He'll turn it in, he'll get arrested for having a gun. He'll collect a reward on himself. And Chevy Chase has a line. Those are the weirdest bunch of guys I've ever met. I kind of like them. Yeah. I was like, hey, he met my friends. But who was normal? Not us. Normal's boring. Norman was normal.
01:28:30
Speaker
No, he wasn't, but his name was Norman. It's kind of normal. Nermal? It's kind of Nermal. It's not. Nermal was Garfield's- What's wrong with your mouth today? The girl that was in love with Garfield. No, Nermal's a boy. No, Nermal's a little cute one, right? Yeah. Nermal's a boy. Nermal was a girl. Nermal's the little one that's like obsessed not in love with him. Nermal was a girl because we even had a girl cat named Nermal because of it.
01:28:52
Speaker
just because you named your girl Kat Nirmal. Nirmal was a girl. Anyway, you know what no one cares about? Garbled. Oh, in general. You ate lasagna earlier. you're I love lasagna. but i And I hate Mondays. You hate Mondays. Actually, I love Mondays. That's my first day off. Kind of weird being a bartender. It's like, what's wrong with Mondays?
01:29:12
Speaker
It's your Friday. But even when Bill Murray was playing him, I couldn't be bothered to care. That's fine. Now it's Chris Pratt. Chris Pratt voices everything. Pratt's in everything. So now we're at the end of the movie and it's a wedding scene. And the cake. Oh, wait. No, it's not the wedding scene. Sorry. I fast forward it too fast. He's like he's he's like they're walking away. He's like, so is it OK if I marry your mom? And he's like, well, I have a couple of questions. Oh yeah, they're in the house putting beach trash art up. Yeah, they have another little happy scene. And he's like, look what you did. You made a circle. Mom, look what he did. I love how it's like they act like it's an accident. I'm like, he took the curved stick and put it against the other two curved sticks. Where there was a missing spot for a curved stick. She's like, huh. That's actually how he got with Farrah Fawcett. It's complete. She had an open spot for a curved stick, so. Plugging gaps.
01:30:02
Speaker
But yeah, so then we go to the wedding scene. The wedding cake has two little red Native American. like And I'm not saying that as a racist thing. These are Native American cake toppers. Think of the mascot for the used to be Cleveland Indians. Yeah. It's that same red face caricature that's not a good logo.
01:30:20
Speaker
and like the cakes, you're not, neither of you are Native American. That's a good sense. Yeah, but they're now the Indian tribe. Well, Chief Red Crow is at the wedding, so it's okay. If you want to do this, if you want to do this, you get the cake toppers that look like you and put the Native American headdress on it.
01:30:37
Speaker
Yeah, if anything these aren't even cake toppers. These are large children's toys Like these are gonna crush the top tier of these are bobbleheads. They got the Cleveland Indians game. Yeah hack this they look free And then according to the subtitles Indian song sir. Oh my god, and it's Enya
01:30:55
Speaker
Which I never even thought about. Is that what that was? But I think that's what they're doing, right? Yeah. I never even thought about it. No, are they a native? No, they're not. But I think they have a native person singing that chant because it doesn't sound like the chick. Return to Vanessa. I just know I remember that song. I mean, obviously, everybody remembers that song. But I haven't ingrained in me from late night, ah fall waking up to infomercials infomercial, like best of albums. Yeah.
01:31:21
Speaker
yeah wow Exactly. And then it goes, it just transfers into, there are certain songs, there are certain songs and I can't think of what on top of my head right now, but where I'll hear like a part of the song. And then my head goes to the next song that was in the commercial. I would do anything for love. I won't do that.
01:31:41
Speaker
They have the wedding. Everybody's happy. ah Jonathan Taylor Thomas is like, I wish I could tell you we lived happily ever after, but we don't know yet. And I'm like, dude this kid's killing these parents. We set up a sequel and hear a murderer. There was supposed to be a sequel. It never happened. Thank God. OK, it's called The Man Under the House. It just it gets you it puts the lotion on the skirt. The house that Ben built. It puts the lotion on the skin or gets the tomahawk again.
01:32:12
Speaker
Stakes. Are we talking stakes? Yeah. a lot topbox I'm not lotioning ever. I don't. I hate that shit. All right. That's the end of that movie. So we'll go around for recommendations, wife. I mean, I watched it as kid and I loved it then, but it's there's i've it was the 90s, man. And I know that's not an excuse. So I really don't think this should be seen. Yeah, I don't recommend it. I mean, unless you want to fucking just see the terribleness of what they like what the culture wasn't considered funny. Yeah. I mean, it's it's just it's not there. I know we didn't drink during it, but I think I would have been bored as shit drinking during this. Yeah.
01:32:50
Speaker
We laughed at inappropriate times. Yeah, we were laughing at the stuff that that we weren't supposed to laugh at. Sure. Well, yeah, to me, it's a big stinker. Yeah. No, I'm going to say no. Also, um I mean, it's not as bad as it could have been. Like they're saying Indian guides and they're doing all this stuff. But like there's not other than Chevy Chase's story. There's not a lot of like Native American jokes. It could have been worse. It could have been worse. So there's that there's that. Could have had Rob Schneider. I'll give it.
01:33:17
Speaker
um Rob Schneider is a Native American. I will give it one thing. It felt quick enough. Yeah. I didn't find it dragging too much. so It was only 97 minutes. The 90s was known for having 90 minutes. Yeah, for sure.
01:33:34
Speaker
So that's why they keep getting longer every, every decade. We have to add 10 years to every movie or 10 minutes, 10 years on some of them. I remember when movies used to only be 90 minutes. But yeah, no, don't watch this movie. We did. So you didn't have to.
01:33:52
Speaker
So next week, we continue Shipbird Month with Cloak and Dagger starring Henry Thomas of E
Upcoming Podcast Episodes
01:33:59
Speaker
.T. fame. Yes. And Dabney Coleman playing his imaginary friend. Love me some Dabney Coleman. No, not Dabney Coleman. I said Dabney. I will be doing Dabs for Dabney. Ooh, Dabs for Dabney.
01:34:15
Speaker
it's it's ah It's an 80s movie, so maybe it'll be worse than this. Who knows? are we having whatever we What are we doing for the Patreon? Well, on Patreon, which you can get at patreon dot.com slash worst people for only $3 a month, this month's episode ties to that episode because it also stars Henry Thomas, and it's E.T. the Extra Terrestrial by the incomparable Steven Spielberg. Ooh, he can't be comped. He can't.
01:34:39
Speaker
And from this little-known actress, I don't know if anybody knows who she is. She was in, like, Firestarter. Uh-huh. Her name is, like, Drew... Scarymore. Drew... The star of Scream. Yeah, Like I said, the star. The girl on the cover of Scream. She's the face on the back.
01:35:02
Speaker
That's the episode for this month. Um, on hot trick shots. First, we also have episodes one and two and episodes three and four of, ah, general Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi coming out. And, uh, those are pretty funny. I just got done editing one of them. So I can tell you that. I was like, man, I hope so. record is The other one. So who knows? Maybe it's trash.
01:35:23
Speaker
Yeah, it could be trash. We'll make sure it's not. but we have Thank you, Vasion, for our opening and closing music. Go give them some money or see them in a concert or something. Follow them on Vasion on Instagram. Dude, go down to the moon, down on 4th Ave, sometime around, I don't know, one. And just be like, yo, Patch, here's 20 bucks. Throw it at him and run away. Run away! And just be like, bad movies, worse people. Chuck it and run. That's us, too.
01:35:53
Speaker
If you're throwing money around. But that'll be it for this week. I've been Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Lord Crookshank. Good night and tomahawk yourself, bitch.
01:36:33
Speaker
Tonight, wait, y'all's dead. Man, I'm inside of a man. Smells like sports dick in here. You never thought about that with your name, did you? We'll call it sports dick. Whoa, what? Nobody likes the smell of a natural sweat. Smell like sports dick.
01:36:55
Speaker
I feel like art with floors dick. Oh, God.