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Stop Saying "Preferred" Pronouns
29 Plays1 month ago
“Preferred pronouns” might sound polite - but that one little word can change everything.
In this episode of Gender in Focus, we unpack why saying “preferred pronouns” can unintentionally suggest that gender identity is a choice, and how dropping the word “preferred” makes your language more inclusive and respectful.
Kai and El break down what to say instead, how to use pronouns respectfully, and why small language shifts make a big difference for trans and non-binary inclusion. From workplace forms to everyday introductions, this episode explores how inclusive communication builds trust, belonging and genuine allyship.
Whether you’re learning about pronouns for the first time or refining your approach to inclusive language, you’ll leave with insights to help make respect a habit - not a hesitation.
Follow Gender in Focus for more grounded conversations on inclusive leadership, allyship, and language that drives lasting change.
Key themes: gender pronouns, inclusive language, trans and non-binary inclusion, LGBTQ+ allyship, respectful communication, belonging, and inclusive workplaces.
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Transcript
Introduction to Trans and Non-Binary Topics with Kai Scott
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to the Gender in Focus podcast. I'm El and each week I get to ask Kai Scott, the president of TransFocus Consulting, all the questions you have ever wanted to ask about trans and non-binary people in the workplace and in the wider world.
00:00:18
Speaker
Preferences we usually attribute to things like, do you like um chocolate ice cream or vanilla ice cream? You know? Right. Yes. Whatever the other choices are, you know, it just like ah that's a preference versus pronouns are actually really important.
00:00:35
Speaker
because most of the time people are saying it, they're well-meaning, like they are wanting to do it right. They're asking. It's very unlikely for somebody who doesn't care about pronouns and doesn't care about trans people to ask anybody about their preferred pronouns.
00:00:45
Speaker
So ah it's it's always, or the majority of the time, it's going to be people who really care and really want to get it right.
What Problems Arise from 'Preferred Pronouns'?
00:00:53
Speaker
Today we're talking about the phrase preferred pronouns.
00:00:57
Speaker
How often does it come up and why is it a problem? We'll unpack all of that. What is really behind something quite simple, but there's a lot there that we want to point to. We'll also look at how pronouns show up and who's asked and who isn't. And there's a lot of um complexity, surprising complexity with pronouns. And so we just want to take a quick closer look at that together and I'm going to be joined by my esteemed colleague El
00:01:26
Speaker
How are you doing? I'm doing well. How are you? Doing great. Yeah excited to unpack this. One of the more common questions that we get and people wanting to do the right thing and not quite sure how and preferred pronouns come up quite a bit.
00:01:42
Speaker
We actually did a social media post on this and it was probably one of our most popular um posts and it brought up a lot of questions and loads and loads of kind of different opinions. And it was really great, like engagement. it was really great to see people like, oh gosh, I use that word all the time. Or I use this phrase all the time or, um oh, I'd never really thought about that. or It was just, it was really great to see.
00:02:05
Speaker
um And so, it was interesting to see how many people had never realized that it even was a bit of an issue or could be a little bit tricky. So maybe we should start there with why or what is the issue around referring to pronouns as preferred
Why 'Preferred' Undermines Gender Identity
00:02:23
Speaker
pronouns?
00:02:23
Speaker
Yeah. That's such an important question. And like you said, most people don't even realize what's kind of baked into that statement. um When we put preferred in front of pronouns, it seems on the surface, like kind of benign, like, yeah, people prefer one thing to the next, right?
00:02:45
Speaker
But actually, if you take another look at it, um there's a lot more going on. In that, inadvertently, people are sending the signal or making the statement that some people, quote, choose their pronouns and that there are other ones that maybe um are, you know, there's distinction between what they prefer and what they don't rather than them just being and existing, right um which for everybody else is the case, right?
00:03:14
Speaker
We don't question their pronouns. We don't wonder about them. We just... state them, usually based on how somebody looks, which is an assumption, but that's another side matter. So everybody else just has pronouns. And then for trans and non-binary folks, there's a choice. And that speaks to something a little bit deeper that is a misconception about trans people, that they choose their gender is one common one, right?
00:03:40
Speaker
And they kind of bake together a little bit and spill over into how we talk about trans and non-binary people's pronouns. Right. So I guess that wording in itself, it can sort of accidentally affect the way people think about gender identity and the way that we respect trans people. And so then with that, why do so many people, because most of the time people are saying it, they're well-meaning, like they are wanting to do it right. They're asking, it's very unlikely for somebody who doesn't care about pronouns it doesn't care about trans people to ask anybody about their preferred pronouns.
00:04:14
Speaker
So ah it's it's always or the majority of the time it's going to be people who really care and really want to get it right. So well where do people trip up with this or like why why are they saying it? Where does it go wrong?
00:04:26
Speaker
Right. Well, I think a lot of it is that perhaps they've read somewhere or kind of heard in the ether this phrase, and sometimes it pops up on forums. So it is kind of this ever-present phrase um that I think people just pick up along the way and are like, oh, that's how I'm supposed to talk about it. And so I'll just reproduce it ah rather than, you know, taking a second look at it and saying, yeah,
00:04:51
Speaker
you know, how how might somebody experience this type of question? And is there a distinction with how I ask other people, right? And why would there be a distinction if there is one, you know, so just a little bit more kind of um thinking, critical thinking skills about something. And I appreciate it. mean, not everything we're going to to be able to closely ah review like this. yeah But there is value in just taking another look rather than just automatically kind of taking something on and then doing it, right?
00:05:24
Speaker
that That there's some of intentionality or thought ah to adopting new approaches. My brain has gone in two directions now.
00:05:34
Speaker
When you said something, I've got like a branch going to the left and a branch going to the right.
Who Gets Asked About Pronouns?
00:05:39
Speaker
so And so I'm going to go to the left first and ask about ah something you just said about who gets asked this question and sort of what assumptions we're making about who needs to share pronouns in the first place and who doesn't. And so, yeah, can you can you go into that a little bit, the especially yeah around who actually gets asked that question?
00:06:01
Speaker
Yeah, this question can be on repeat ah to a certain subset of people who are trans and non-binary, not necessarily to everyone. um And it also goes to a subset of cisgender people.
00:06:16
Speaker
And what they share in common is that we're, quote, unsure. And i love it because this is such a loaded word. ah There's a lot going on in when we as a society think we're unsure, right?
00:06:31
Speaker
um Hopefully we're unsure every single new person we encounter because they haven't actually told us. But most people, when they say I'm unsure, it means that I'm unsure.
00:06:44
Speaker
They look in a way that I didn't expect, or they're perhaps androgynous, or there's a mixture of expressions going on, just something where it the the societal model that we have, we can't kind of superimpose on that person.
00:07:01
Speaker
and in a way that we typically make assumptions, right? So somebody looks feminine, everyone's like, ergo, woman, ergo, she, her pronouns, right?
00:07:13
Speaker
But that's always the case, um depending on how somebody looks. So ah that if I'm unsure, those those group of people, however people read them, then get this question kind of for some it feels like ad nauseum, right?
00:07:31
Speaker
And in a way that can also have its own alienating effect, even if not intended. um And this is popping up a little bit more as I start to, or that, you know, as we continue to listen to folks. And so that's a really important consideration is, you know, ideally we ask or leave space for people to share pronouns, irrespective of how they look, right?
00:07:58
Speaker
But I would say, unfortunately, people who have androgynous appearance or a mixture of gender expressions tend to get a lot of this question. And that includes cisgender people and trans and non-binary folks.
00:08:14
Speaker
I feel like that would surprise people that it also affects cisgender people. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know. I don't know if you can go into that a little bit more, but are you able to? Yeah.
00:08:24
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, of of course we don't have any stats, but, um, I wouldn't be able to say, you know, 15% of cisgender folks. Um, uh, I would say though, anecdotally, we do, um, hear stories over and over where say a masculine appearing woman or a feminine appearing man or somebody with a mixture of gender expressions, um,
00:08:47
Speaker
will, and who is cisgender, will, you know, get more questions. And it's because there's more understanding that, you know, there's, you can't presume somebody's pronoun. So that's ah it's a good thing in general, um but it's just how it's applied that can make things more or less difficult.
00:09:07
Speaker
um And certainly ah some, a smaller percentage of cisgender folks also um have people wondering And we'll sometimes not even ask the pronouns. They'll be like, are you a man or a woman, right? They'll be right more direct as inquisitive minds inquire.
00:09:25
Speaker
no yeah It's interesting that in in the way that we like perceive gender by how people look in just my own experience that um I'm non-binary, but I've never in my life been asked what my pronouns are because I look a certain way ah that people expect from a woman. So it's a default she, her, and that's okay with me in terms of like my pronouns are both she and they, so she is fine.
00:09:52
Speaker
But it's interesting to me that um outside of, I should say, outside of ah queer spaces or outside of LGBTQ spaces, I've never once been asked my pronouns or never once had my gender questioned. If I'm in, for example, let's say I'm in a women's washroom, that's never happened to me.
00:10:12
Speaker
But there are plenty of cisgender women that I know that have experienced this in washrooms, especially it comes up a lot in washrooms if they don't. So yeah, if they don't look the way that you expect. So it's really interesting how um sort of, ah what do I mean, like ingrained it is in noticing how we look.
00:10:34
Speaker
Absolutely. So deeply ingrained that you have some folks who are over visible hyper visible. And then we have others who are under or invisible, like to to the general population. Yeah.
00:10:49
Speaker
And so it it creates kind of this twofold problem ah where, ah you know, some people are overtaxed with a particular question. And especially if it's with preferred, it just kind of adds another layer of heaviness, right?
00:11:05
Speaker
yeah It's like signaling this is something that, you know, I mean, first, it's not implied, usually, that, hey, here's something you've made up, and what is it? And so I can carry on.
00:11:17
Speaker
oh it sort of feels like you're being humored. Like, ah okay, you tell me what your preferred one is, I'll go with that. Yeah. like Yeah. like more of a task than it is of like um a wanting of somebody to feel welcome and belong and, and there, there's a space provided, but not imposed on somebody.
00:11:37
Speaker
So at their own time and place and space can provide more information if they choose to. And yeah, And then the the invisibility thing I think is also pernicious because we're we're looking for feminine, and masculine looking people and and then just automatically mapping.
00:11:57
Speaker
And right and then you know then there's no space or there's less space or it's more difficult for people to override that social um kind of plastering of pronouns onto people.
00:12:13
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. um So that was the one, my brain went in one direction and then my brain went in a totally other opposite direction unrelated to that. And I don't know how to make a gentle segue to this.
00:12:26
Speaker
So I'm just going to ask you a random question.
Pronouns in Corporate Systems
00:12:29
Speaker
Sure. Yeah, yeah. None needed. So I wanted to ask you something that you referred to was about how this shows up. For example, I think you mentioned, I can't remember, but I think you mentioned forms. And so I wanted to kind of go into that because it the word preferred pronouns shows up differently. Sometimes it's something you're asked sort of literally verbally, but other times it shows differently.
00:12:52
Speaker
in systems and on forms and things like that. And so I wondered if you could go into that and what you've seen just like in Chance Focus's work as well. Yeah, that's such an important aspect, the kind of cultural piece of how we interact with one another and making space or inquiring about pronouns um from each other.
00:13:13
Speaker
ah But then there's also what shows up in the structure and the systems and um how that is treated. And that's a new kind of pattern emerging in many corporate settings or in know organizational settings where they understand the importance of pronouns and are now wanting to offer space for that transfer of information.
00:13:35
Speaker
And a lot of, I would say a lot of trans and non-binary folks do prefer this more kind of passive way of sharing pronouns. Of course, I don't have any stats, but just over time and time again, we hear, you know, I do really like to provide it. And then I don't have to like make a big statement and there's a spotlight and people, you know, big eyes, whatever those kind of yeah social interaction moments that can be difficult, especially if on repeat.
00:14:03
Speaker
And so providing in a system is a great way to offer that exchange without it having to be a big cultural thing. And um so though, because it's provided in systems, now there's a whole range of different ways that that that is approached.
00:14:22
Speaker
We're not quite landed in a consistent manner. And so we do see time to time again, preferred pronoun. and then fill in the blank or check all that apply or single select, um, a, a set of responses, um, that are then fed into email signatures or wherever else, uh, business cards, um, name shields on offices, you know, uh, name tags, all kinds of places that can be, um, made more visible, uh,
00:14:52
Speaker
So I think it's really important how we collect information and just using pronouns or what are your pronouns. Dropping the preferred is a really important way to signal that you understand it's important.
00:15:05
Speaker
Everyone has pronouns. ah And here's a one optional way of of sharing that. And so we don't kind of trip people up where they're faced yet again with this kind of subtle messaging that could come with how we
How to Ask for Pronouns Respectfully
00:15:20
Speaker
talk about things. so
00:15:23
Speaker
You did just say it, but I really want you to so say it again to just, um I don't know, hammer it home, I guess. But like, what should people be doing then? Because if it's not preferred pronouns, what is it? And what should we be seeing saying? What should we be doing? What should we be saying?
00:15:37
Speaker
What's the alternative? How do we rectify this this situation? And um yeah, the important thing is there's many different ways of obtaining pronouns.
00:15:48
Speaker
So we're not suggesting that this is the only way, but if you're going to verbally ask for it, ah good way of saying it is, what are your pronouns? I usually like to even do a little lead-in sentence.
00:16:01
Speaker
to signal what I'm doing and to say that I'm doing it with everyone. So I don't want to assume, you know, so, and it also helps folks too, who may not know, you know, some people, it's still new for them to hear this question, if especially if they're cisgender. And so that might just like be a little kind of explaining to to say, I don't want to assume.
00:16:24
Speaker
And then, you know, what are your pronouns? And so you just drop the word preferred altogether. um Makes it a shorter sentence. So there's even speech efficiency. and And you're not sending this subtle message that, you know, pronouns are choice and kind of gives a bit of a sense of it's optional kind of if I think about it.
00:16:46
Speaker
um Even if that's not the intention, um that's the kind of vibe that um that is felt about that kind of thing. And can also be a little bit subliminal too for people receiving this, be like, oh, so-and-so's pronoun preferred pronouns are this.
00:17:04
Speaker
And then it kind of order ranks it a little bit lower in terms of effort needed to, rather than this is a really important piece of information and we're going to make sure we get it right.
00:17:16
Speaker
Right. And you wouldn't extend that. Like it's not L isn't my preferred name. It is actually just my name. And so, yeah, you my ah preferred pronouns aren't really a thing. They're just my pronouns.
The Importance of Pronouns for Everyone
00:17:26
Speaker
Well, preferences we usually attribute to things like, do you like um chocolate ice cream or vanilla ice cream? You know? Right.
00:17:34
Speaker
Whatever the other choices are, you know, which is like, um that's a preference versus pronouns are actually really important. And, you know, you can test that a bit if you haven't ever been misgendered by pronouns.
00:17:49
Speaker
Having people use, would like, say, a ah a friend or something, don't have to do large scale, but just test it by getting a wrong pronoun said to you for one day only. And you can quickly see just how important they are to everyone, and trans and non-binary folks included.
00:18:07
Speaker
It does sort of feel a little bit like to me, I always think of it as a bit of an, o like someone's ah overthinking, like they're trying to be so respectful that they overthink it a bit and add preferred. Like, I just want to make sure that everyone's comfortable, but it just feels like yeah a bit of a, yeah, I'm overthinking the inclusion a bit.
00:18:25
Speaker
Yeah. ah Yeah. There's like, um, um, ah Almost like, um you know, just kind of copying and pasting what is heard and like, oh, I think this is the right thing to do. And so i want to like show you that I i understand and I'm making the effort. Right.
00:18:42
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's all cool. Well, I think this is like pretty quick episode unless you've got anything that I've missed that you want me to mention.
00:18:53
Speaker
No, I think the only thing I'll add is um preferred if it's like in been repeated a few times might be sticky in the brain. And so you might catch yourself saying it, ah which case, you know, don't beat yourself up about it either, right? I mean, if we're we're trying to kind of redirect away from that.
00:19:15
Speaker
um But it may come up again. And I don't think, you know, trans people are like, um WTF yeah whenever somebody says that. like i don't want to kind of over ah emphasize this either.
00:19:27
Speaker
um But it is a ah moment of like, oh, you could either correct yourself and be like, you know what are your preferred pronouns? I mean, just what are your pronouns? And as a way to you know, for that might be a really interesting moment for folks to realize and then be like, oh, why why did you drop preferred if that person doesn't know about this, which case it's a small teachable moment um and you carry it to someone else. Or if it's a trans or non-binary person, they'll know why you dropped it and will actually appreciate that distinction, right?
00:20:01
Speaker
Sure. Great. Cool. Well, thank you so much, Kai. Yeah. um Excellent. good to to work through. And yeah, thank you much. See you next week.