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Holding Space on Transgender Day of Remembrance
25 Plays28 days ago
There’s no easy way to talk about Transgender Day of Remembrance. It’s a day that carries so much grief, and also a call to look closer at the systems that keep failing trans people around the world.
In this episode of Gender in Focus, Kai and El unpack the history and meaning of TDOR, explore why it’s not just a U.S. issue, and reveal the gaps in data that hide the true scale of violence against trans people in Canada and beyond. They also share ways allies can show up with commitment and purpose - not just on TDOR, but every day.
If you’ve ever wondered how to talk about Trans Day of Remembrance at work, school or in your community, or how to move beyond performative gestures to real allyship, this episode offers thoughtful guidance, grounded insight, and hope for change.
To read about those who have lost their lives this year please visit this website: https://tdor.translivesmatter.info/reports?view=map
Keywords: Trans Day of Remembrance, TDOR, trans inclusion, trans rights, nonbinary visibility, trans violence, LGBTQ+ allyship, inclusive workplaces, gender diversity, supporting trans people, how to be an ally on TDOR
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Transcript
Introduction and Purpose of Discussion
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to the Gender in Focus podcast. I'm Elle and each week I get to ask Kai Scott, the president of Transfocus Consulting, all the questions you have ever wanted to ask about trans and non-binary people in the workplace and in the wider world.
00:00:18
Speaker
I very much encourage people to go and look at the stories, to read them and to remember them for their lives, what they were doing, what they were motivating them, what, you know, had a spark in their eyes, right? These are really important things that we not turn away from the humanity behind the numbers.
Significance of Trans Day of Remembrance
00:00:39
Speaker
This is something that trans people carry all year round because this is happening all year round. It's not just happening on November 20th. And so it's it's quite a lot to handle for a lot of for a lot of trans people. It's very heavy. um and so And it's scary to to see those numbers.
00:00:59
Speaker
Each year on November 20th, Trans Day of Remembrance invites us to pause, to remember the trans and non-binary people we have lost this year due to violence, and to confront the realities behind those numbers.
00:01:13
Speaker
Today, we'll talk about the history of Trans Day of Remembrance, what happened this year, and how allies can show up, especially when the headlines are heavy. Because Trans Day of Remembrance isn't about performative empathy or one-day solidarity. It's about building the foundation of allyship, laying the bricks of listening, checking in, and taking the small, concrete actions trans people are asking for.
00:01:37
Speaker
The issues are big, but the asks are small. Start with your own actions. Acknowledge that this day can be hard. That's where real allyship begins. And even though it's quite heavy, i am really glad to be joined by my colleague, Elle.
00:01:55
Speaker
Hello. How's it going? Well, I mean, we are starting on a really important but also a difficult topic today with Trans Day of Remembrance. So I'm feeling a bit somber.
00:02:08
Speaker
Me too. This is always a really hard topic to to discuss. And i think I really want to be mindful.
Origins and Global Context of Trans Day of Remembrance
00:02:17
Speaker
One of the things I kind of want to start with is that it can often feel like these topics are just things to chat about. um But there are real people who are ah really having to face some really serious uh consequences of of kind of what we're seeing in the world so uh while we're going to be discussing it it's kind of important to remember that that this is like a real thing that's affecting real people yeah absolutely well put uh that we kind of center the humanity um and and the loss of this moment or moments right
00:02:49
Speaker
For sure. um To begin with then, maybe it might be good to have a just an overview of what Trans Day Remembrance actually is and how that began. I wonder if, I don't know if it's, is it well known outside of the sort of trans community? I don't think so. I think even that there is a day is sometimes surprising or people remember that there is a day, but maybe don't remember exactly when. And so it can kind of be surprised. Oh, right. It's the end of November. Right.
00:03:20
Speaker
And it's trans day of remembrance. Right. And then perhaps have participated in other events in the past and and then go about it. But so it's always good to, to kind of have remembrance about the day of remembrance. Um, But yeah, it basically started just over 25 years ago, 1999. There were few concerned trans people who just saw a high rate of violence towards trans and non-binary folks. as well as murders of trans and non-binary folks because of who they are. in particular, there is one individual who um inspired those kind of grieving around Rita Hester, who was lost too soon, as with every trans and non-binary person that is killed. And so there was kind of a rallying of the community to try to um celebrate her life and also to you know kind of generally raise awareness of violence. and trans issue more generally, and particularly to motivate a change in society. So a better treatment of trans folks or, you know, specific needs of trans folks. And so this was, this is a day to establish that. So we can come together and and really grieve and acknowledge that this is happening and that something needs to be done about it.
Data Collection and Challenges
00:04:45
Speaker
Mm-hmm. It's a bit tempting sometimes to look at the violence that trans people face and think of it as a sort of primarily a US issue. Like that a lot of headlines, especially at the moment, a lot of headlines are coming out about, um,
00:05:04
Speaker
you know, trans issues and the way that the US government are treating trans people. And it's very easy for people outside of the US to be like, wow, isn't it terrible what's going on in the US right now for trans people? And it is, but it's really important to see this as sort of zoom out a bit and see this as a pattern. um And I was wondering if you could talk about that.
00:05:25
Speaker
then Yeah, that's such an important topic. Like you said, U.S., s given all the things that are happening, can there are big numbers. And so that can be understandably a focal point. It's like this the volume is just staggering and people reel from that as they should. However, then what's happening in Canada is either invisible or swept under the rug, proverbial rug, as this is not something here. Or we can contrast ourselves and be like, oh, that's so awful what's happening in the US. And we are nothing like that. And it's like, well, actually, we have our own things to wrestle with as well.
00:06:10
Speaker
um And sometimes it's not ah to the level of murder, perhaps, although some years it is. And it could be other things, though, that are at play that put um trans and non-binary people in a precarious position to where then they take their own life, right? And so that's where there's this balance between what gets attention. And unfortunately, what's happening in Canada doesn't get either as any attention or as much attention as it as it needs to.
00:06:45
Speaker
So we can deal with our own stuff. For sure. So Trans Day of Remembrance has been recognized for 25, is it 25 years? Is that right? Yeah, just above. Yeah.
00:06:58
Speaker
So for the last 25 years, it's been recognized. And so I guess I sort of wanted to... hone in on this year and what what do we know about the sort of um what's happened this year in 2025 and what trans people have faced and and you know what do we know about the lives that have been lost and in in 2025 and that's a really good note that you're making and how you're asking the question what we know right I'm sure we'll talk about that. So I'll just talk about the stats that have been collected. That of what we know is community collected data.
00:07:34
Speaker
So it's not officially collected in ways that we can report like, you know, Health Canada or whoever, right, is collecting these stats. This is community members who know of a trans and non-binary friend, loved one reporting to a website that is collecting these data.
00:07:52
Speaker
So of those that have been collected from the community, we understand that two deaths in Canada and then 51 in the United States, which is double that of last year.
00:08:05
Speaker
So things are escalating. And another really important thing to note is that this does disproportionately impact Trans women of color, particularly black trans women, are murdered or or killed in vastly just drastic numbers. So there is there's a ah racial aspect to this issue as well.
00:08:31
Speaker
um another key factor without going into all of the details uh just wanting to be cognizant of people who are listening or mindful of them but typically ah the murders are quite gruesome so there's like this added element to what happens to trans and non-binary folks so uh there's a lot there um I will also say i think it's important not just to look at the numbers, of the numbers are important, but also the stories behind the numbers. So we're in front of the numbers, I should say, because they're more important. So I think about Alice Carrier from Montreal, who we lost too soon.
00:09:20
Speaker
She uses she, her pronouns and just understanding what her life was like and what she enjoyed doing and unfortunately could not continue with us. Right. I think of Kira Salem uses they, them pronouns um and how we lost them too soon as well. Those are some examples in Canada. Obviously the ones that we know, they're large, they're likely more than we know. There are folks in the US as well.
00:09:53
Speaker
Linda Moran, Onyx Cornish, Shaiperius Dupree. These are just some examples and I just want to name them. Of course, we can't name everyone because it would be a very long podcast. But just so that we have some sense and I very much encourage people to go and look at the stories, to read them and to remember them for their lives, what they were doing, what they were motivating them, what you know, had a spark in their eyes, right? These are really important things that we not turn away from the humanity behind the numbers.
00:10:29
Speaker
Mm-hmm. You touched on something just then about how we we don't necessarily know all of the numbers. We don't know all of the people that have been affected in this way. And ah I wanted to get you to go into that bit more. You talked about how this is community collected. So,
00:10:50
Speaker
we really are seeing a lack of data around um the violence against trans people. And then that translates to really not understanding the scale of what's facing the community. And so, yeah, I was wondering if you could go into that as well and and what that means, really.
00:11:09
Speaker
Yeah. So sadly, we, when I say we, it's Canada, US, whole number of countries don't collect murder rates or suicide rates in a way that we can disaggregate past the typical men women data set so it is collected by gender or sometimes is but then it's not collected but well non-binary folks are not included usually number one number two we're not able to disaggregate the men and women data to cis and trans so we don't actually know um you know trans women trans men
00:11:50
Speaker
And so we're kind of um left without much information besides what we collect as a community. Oftentimes reports, official reports by police, coroners, press, even family members can misgender or misidentify somebody who has passed. And so people presume that it's a cisgender person when it's actually a trans person. And it's just...
00:12:20
Speaker
because of the way that this person is described, usually based on anatomy, right? And so, yeah, that that complicates how the you know trans people become visible and how their deaths are known to us as the public.
00:12:38
Speaker
And that just makes it that much more challenging to know the scale of the problem, like you mentioned. But it also links then downstream to a lack of funding where we're we're not funneling the money into the areas of greatest need and unfortunately then not tackling the the pernicious problems that persist and will likely continue without, you know, somebody looking at them and addressing them. And so unfortunately, then that kind of has that negative feedback loop, the vicious cycle that keeps us in this in this position.
00:13:17
Speaker
I think that's quite important, especially just for me personally this year. You mentioned that there were two people whose lives so have been lost in in Canada, but um we personally know somebody who isn't included in that number. So my friend Hannah, who died in February, was a trans woman and she isn't included in those numbers. So We know that there are more than two. And if Hannah isn't noted, there is a good chance that Hannah isn't the only person who isn't noted. And so there's a real consequence to that in that we really don't, we just don't know what we're looking at. And then we can't know how to fix it if we don't know what we're looking at.
00:13:59
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And it does such a disservice to the people we've lost. like It's just it's like so senseless. And um and the fact that we haven't collected data allows people to continue to turn a blind eye or turn away from the issue, right? Rather than have a curiosity. And usually when we do start to collect stats, it's staggering yeah in a way that totally bowls over everyone is like oh i didn't realize it was this bad you know and so we we we owe it to the people we've lost we owe it to ourselves to know to take to look to face it like really look at it even if it's uncomfortable and and we'd rather it not be the case but it's an important first step for sure
00:14:52
Speaker
Now, this is quite a heavy topic. And I think it can often leave people who want to be supportive in a bit of a situation where it's like, oh, this is so big and so terrible.
Practical Advice for Allies
00:15:05
Speaker
And I have no idea what I can do to really do anything about this or to change anything. And so really, i i guess that's the next thing I wanted to ask, which is, How can allies show up, ah especially around Trans Day of Remembrance, but but also year round, that shows meaningful support to to the trans community?
00:15:26
Speaker
Yeah, I appreciate that feeling. And I also share it, right, where it feels so daunting, because it's so grim. And right how can you, especially as an individual, kind of anywhere near to addressing it, but I guess the ask isn't that people wholesale solve this problem, although I'm sure if we we all had some way of doing it. We would try. And i think it's not so much about with, with an like having to focus on solving this big, heavy thing. It's more about, um you know, what is tangible, what is possible at any given moment.
00:16:09
Speaker
um for particular um whatever is whoever's in front of you, right? Like that's, the whether you know somebody trans or not is likely you have somebody, right?
00:16:22
Speaker
And even showing strangers some kindness can go a long way as well. So I think I like to focus on the everyday because one, it's doable, you know? um And that's where those you know, actions can mean a lot and they do scaffold to something larger eventually, right?
00:16:43
Speaker
Because as we get more and more involved in creating active, actively involved in in creating a better world, there are going to be more and more opportunities revealed that you can then step into. um perhaps it's a a particular stream of your work that, you know, adds more, you know, trans aspects to it, or you at some point are involved in getting funding and then are able to add a trans piece to it, right? So it's just start with the everyday, but then also be open to adding things along the way that might be bigger. And and even like pointing things out, like, you know, we don't have all the data.
00:17:25
Speaker
You know, not just for trans and non-binary. There's plenty of other groups that are not counted in very important things. And simply asking the question, I don't think we have enough data and we need to go collect more is a really important thing to say, depending on where you find yourself.
00:17:44
Speaker
So there are big things that can be done, but I think the everyday provides some of that information. a muscle memory that can be built over time to then when the bigger opportunities show up it's kind of not as big of a thing as it doesn't make so much so much effort so yeah everyday things are really important you know if somebody shares they have they them pronouns and it's not familiar to you go and practice them don't just assume you'll get a data download and you know it'll be easy you
00:18:16
Speaker
A little bit effort, you know, is good. If somebody shares something about their own um experience, whether positive or negative, related to being trans and non-binary, just listening and, um you know, actually showing that you care about what they're going through. Doesn't mean that you have to understand everything, but just try to listen and be there. Yeah. Um, you know, if you see somebody that you didn't expect in the washroom, rather than asking questions or making a big scene of it, it's just being like, this person is in the right place.
00:18:56
Speaker
Um, if they're using the washroom for its intended purpose, right? So these are like small examples, but they actually make a big difference, um, for making things easier for folks, um, who are trans and non-binary.
00:19:08
Speaker
Mm-hmm. So at the beginning we talked about how it can be unintentionally I'm sure, but it can often be, or trans issues sort of more widely can come up like it's a sort of interesting topic or it's like just a thing to discuss and it's sort of maybe forgotten or taken for granted that these are real people with real lives and real hopes and dreams that have been taken from them. And can allies,
00:19:36
Speaker
how how can allies kind of focus on the importance of trans day of remembrance without like finding the balance, like it's important to recognize this day and what it means, but not turning it into a sort of hot topic rather than like showing genuine solidarity. And so, Yeah, I imagine that there are going to be conversations, you know, in certain workplaces or amongst friends or even between cisgender people and transgender people. Like, how can people bring this up without it just being like, hey, fun fact, it's Dino today. right do you know what I mean? Waltzing into this really difficult topic. Yeah.
00:20:17
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. or kind of adding it to a list of long things that, you know, it is just like, um, kind of another thing, uh, rather than really staying with the moment and absorbing it.
00:20:29
Speaker
Um, and I think it's all about how somebody brings it into the conversation, whether, you know, sharing in a post by it, you know, Slack to be like, Hey, FYI, uh, for folks who may not know, you know, today is, uh, or even leading up to Trans Day of Remembrance to give people a heads up, but just letting people know what this is about and how this impacts folks, right?
00:20:52
Speaker
Another thing too that um is often helpful is for people to realize sometimes within organizations, if they don't have a known trans or non-binary person, they can kind of presume it's like an outside of the organization thing and kind of interesting, but distant. And it's, um but that they may actually have folks who are personally impacted, even if they aren't themselves trans or non-binary. An example is a family member or a partner or, you know, a grandson, like just different ways of of connecting the, what is happening in the organization and who it impacts to the day itself.
Navigating Conversations and Allyship
00:21:34
Speaker
So even allowing like an an anonymous survey where people can share And then posting that, as long as you've explained that's what you're doing. Like deep and personal stories to be. But if you explain what this is for, you know, and and allowing kind of, you know, a reading of names along with here, person people who are personally affected by this. um even if maybe they weren't like a family member of somebody who is deceased. But just to say, when this day comes up, this is how I'm impacted. I worry about my child. I worry about my partner. um You know, so this does impact like a broader group of people or like a network. um
00:22:18
Speaker
So I think, and then those things do show up in the workplace, whether people realize or not. And so allowing that impact to, to be visible is, or at least an opportunity for that if somebody wants to share, can be really powerful for people to kind of connect the dots a little bit more rather than it being a distant somewhere out there problem.
00:22:39
Speaker
Right. Recognizing that this is a really difficult day in general, and it weighs especially heavily on trans and non-binary people. And so if you do have a trans and non-binary person in your life, there is a sort of maybe two things that can happen more often than not, which will either be, this is awkward and uncomfortable, so I'm not going to mention it. yeah And or ah let me talk about it nonstop with you and commiserate with you and go really heavy all in with it. And so I imagine that there are some allies who are like, kind of don't want to ignore it, but I don't want to get too much either. So how come how can people, or how can allies especially show up for the trans people in their lives around Trans Day of Remembrance specifically without
00:23:31
Speaker
doing either of those things, finding the balance. Going to either extreme of like it's not happening, like la la la, la yeah or like that's all we're talking about, right, for the whole day, 100%. Yeah, yeah, it's important to kind of recognize the the parameters of what we're talking about and then where can we land, you know, in the middle somewhere, where for me when i'm checking in with community members on that day i asked the question you know i i recognize this trans day of remembrance so one you you've established yourself as somebody knowing what's happening right because like i said most people don't know what's happening so you're already a step ahead by acknowledging that it happened and i wanna i'm here for you in whatever way that looks like um
00:24:22
Speaker
And if you don't want to talk about it, I'm good. If you do want to talk about it, I'm here. um If you just want to get ice cream, you know, like, just paint a picture of like so many different ways of of doing
Personal Rituals and Continuous Support
00:24:35
Speaker
that.
00:24:35
Speaker
And then, you know, just follow that person's lead, right? If they don't raise it a lot, then just let it be and then just presence and alone is very powerful um and of course you don't have to hang out the whole day you know what i mean like just what it is right for me i I struggle to go to community events but I still want to commemorate it somehow so you know my friends who are trans know that about me and so we do our own little ceremony on the beach right And that's really beautiful. we each get to say something and then, you know, we light something in it and it kind of goes off into the sky and it's very beautiful. And it's exactly the kind of acknowledgement because if in a bigger setting, it's it's a lot to kind of absorb. And so just understanding who you're reaching out to and where their typical style is for things if you know it and if not then you can offer different options and then respecting whatever their response is and you know sometimes adapting if something shifts and suddenly they initially said they didn't want to talk about it but they're talking about it you can follow with them right for sure i don't know ah do you have any other ideas that was some of what i was thinking about but yeah no i don't know i think
00:25:59
Speaker
Checking in is really important, but I think you, well, I agree with what you said following the lead, just like not taking it personally. If somebody doesn't want to about it somebody does want to talk about it, it's actually nothing to do with you at all, whatever someone's response is. It's um super heavy for a lot of people. and It's also like recognizing that it's heavy all the time and it's culminating on one day. But this is something that trans people carry all year round because this is happening all year round. It's not just happening on November 20th. And so it's it's quite a lot to handle for a lot of for a lot of trans people. It's very heavy. um And so, and it's scary to to see those numbers and to see what's going on, whether it's sort of, um
00:26:44
Speaker
I don't know, nationwide or provincially or even just within your own community. It's really frightening to see the numbers and people affected. There isn't a trans person, I would imagine, that isn't even slightly affected by this, whether it's somebody within their friendship group or somebody in their community that knows somebody who's been affected by this directly. And so,
00:27:06
Speaker
um it's a heavy thing to carry. It's heavy to carry that knowledge. Also, it's heavy to just face misgendering and disrespect all year round, which a lot of people do.
00:27:20
Speaker
And then to also acknowledge the amount of violence that the trans community face. It's it's a lot. And so if people do want to talk about it or don't want to talk about it with you on November 20th. It's not personal. It's just a combination of a lot of things ending on Monday.
00:27:38
Speaker
Yeah. That's what I would say. That's so important. Like wait the paint, the picture that you just painted, because there's a lot going on in the background and, You know, sometimes people are able to or want to talk about it and express. And other times you just want to kind of make it through, you know, so. um And you're right, it isn't just one day. This is like, every day, pretty grim.
00:28:08
Speaker
Something that I do is our on November 1st, I write all of their names down, like individually on little bits of paper. And then on the 20th, I'll like think about them. And then I'll usually like burn that like list that I've got, like as a kind of release thing. um And I do it by myself. It's not something that I want to do by with other people generally.
00:28:28
Speaker
But um it's been very heavy to notice the difference this year, like the numbers. And so it's super solemn. Like it's not, it's not, yeah, it's not just one day. And so that's the only thing really that I just care about a lot.
00:28:45
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stopping the tide, know, the rising tide of of violence. Yeah. Yeah. And what a beautiful ceremony too. I think ceremony is so important in these types of heavier realities, right? um And that kind of to to carry them with us.
00:29:08
Speaker
um And, you know, I know they are no longer physically with us, but they're also still with us energetically.
Community Engagement and Conclusion
00:29:17
Speaker
And so um to to kind of, you know,
00:29:21
Speaker
have that pause, I think is super important. So thank you for sharing that, like how you acknowledge them. And you too. I like the idea of doing that on the beach. That sounds really lovely. Yeah.
00:29:35
Speaker
Is there anything else you want to say before we go on this? Yeah, I would like to encourage, i know we talked about small, everyday And they're not even that small, but the everyday actions are really important. I would say, especially for this day, i think sometimes allies can be a bit unsure of whether to show up at a community event.
00:29:59
Speaker
And there are, especially in bigger ski cities, often Trans Day of Remembrance events. So in person where people gather and you know usually read off lists,
00:30:12
Speaker
you know, say some words, maybe there's some sharing if people want to, you know, express what's weighing on them and and what, you know, how they're absorbing this information.
00:30:24
Speaker
And oftentimes, of course, it depends on the description. So I would very carefully read each one of the descriptions. I don't want to say blanketly, but generally um the public is invited and welcomed into these spaces, unless it expressly says, you know, community only event, right? Of course, we want to respect that. But generally, I would say they are.
00:30:45
Speaker
There's also virtual ones as well. So I encourage you to look the listing of your city to see if there's anything happening coming up on November 20th that you can be a part of. Because oftentimes that can make a lot of what's probably in many cisgender minds is pretty theoretical or like maybe a bit fuzzy and can, when you hear stories, make it very tangible, very real. And also to lend your support and and show that you're there to to make things different um and better and that can mean a lot so yeah i I very much encourage participation if it's if it's okay and by the event organizers so that's another way to show up in a tangible way and and bring other people along too i mean i appreciate you know um maybe want to get out yourself first or whatnot but you know I think
00:31:41
Speaker
as many people as possible. I know that if people see allies show up, and there is a sense of relief because sometimes can feel like trans people, trans and non-binary folks are on their own to to sort things out. But if people show up, then, you know, it makes it that much easier.
00:32:04
Speaker
For sure. Thank you so much, Kai. Thank you for um yeah unpacking this heavier topic. An important one to look at directly and very much thankful for folks who have listened to this as well. And yeah, one step at a time and to to undo, ah or not undo, but move past this darker period here.
00:32:31
Speaker
For sure. Goodbye for now. See you. Bye.