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Ep 107: The Faculty
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The next installment in our Halloween Horrorfest, THE FACULTY is directed by one of Derrick's favorite directors, Robert Rodriguez, and stars a deep cast of future stars including Josh Hartnett, Clea DuVall, Jordanna Brewster, Jon Stewart, Famke Janssen, Elijah Wood and Usher (in his film debut) as well as old favorites like Selma Hayek, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Robert Patrick and Chris McDonald! Basically, this is The Invasion of the Breakfast Club Snatchers, with a high school being infiltrated by alien squids that bind with their hosts and alter their behavior. A ragtag team of kids, including the jock, the cheerleader, the nerd, the burnout and the new girl, are made to join forces to stop the invasion before it can spread outside of their little Ohio town. We revel in the 90s-ness of the soundtrack, the storytelling, the action and the fashion while finding ways to dismiss the sometimes god-awful CG.
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Transcript
Introduction and Film Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Halloween Horror Fest this week. Sniff it. Sniff the pen. OK, I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm in his bad movies. Where's people?
00:00:38
Speaker
So we did the faculty. We did do the faculty. I would have done most of this faculty. Fuck yeah, dude. Off the top of my head, dude, Famke Jensen and Bibi Neuert. Yes. And Salma Hayek. Oh fuck, Salma Hayek's out of this movie so fast I forgot how to do her. And Jon Stewart with a goatee.
00:00:55
Speaker
and In 1998, I would have done it right in his eye socket. I also would have done Patrick. Yeah, Robert robert Patrick. yeah I mean, I don't think I got a choice. I think he'd make me not like ah with his eyes. I saw him in that faculty. Rest room, restroom, teachers lounge, rest space room, teachers lounge, there you go. Faculty lounge. ah Yeah.
00:01:20
Speaker
You know, where the faculty goes to apparently drink whiskey and smoke cigarettes. There's a swim gym here also. There is a swim gym, man. I couldn't believe it. I was like, this, this is a swim gym. But yes, we are discussing the faculty from the Lord's year of 1998. So close in the Lord's year.
00:01:39
Speaker
104 minutes. Didn't feel like it. We had to pause it or I had to rewind it at one point because I missed the dummy. And there was only 20 minutes left. I mean, you could feel it in the movie, but I didn't feel like I'd been sitting for 84 minutes on now a breeze. yeah Fantastic. Breezy movie. Maybe it's because it's just fucking eye candy of 90s people. Maybe it's me. Maybe she's born with it. So this one, for all the people who want to watch before we talk about it,
00:02:03
Speaker
is available right now on Paramount Plus for free or, you know, if you subscribe for free or you can buy it. I think to be had it. Oh, maybe, maybe I wasn't writing down the free ones. Nobody wants to watch commercials. I know. But this might be nostalgic. Yeah. Having commercials during this. Yeah. But it'll be the same for commercials for some new wonder drug. It'd be fine for a second. and'll I get it. dude I get it. I'm not supposed to fucking sneeze blood and fart gum.
00:02:31
Speaker
oh That's way better than the side effects I was thinking of. So. How do we reverse that? Because most people sneeze blood when they have a bloody nose. So sneeze cum and fart blood. Either way, that is much worse. Seizing comes probably happened. Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
00:02:47
Speaker
you but But you can also rent or buy this on Apple or Amazon. Rent it for $4, buy it for $15. I got it on just a regular-ass Blu-ray. No fancy company to plug this week. Strange. um But i I don't remember how much I paid, but I want to say it wasn't more than like seven or eight bucks on Amazon. Are you sure it was Amazon and it wasn't one of those five for five bins? Did you drunken Walmart it up? No, it's that type of thing, but I haven't bought a disc from a store in so long.
00:03:15
Speaker
But there's zero special. No special features. And the movie starts itself. Yeah, shocking. The menu will loop like three times and the movie just starts. I had it muted and she's like, what are what show are you watching? I looked up. I was like, that's the movie. Oh, I need that for I like fucking drunkenly fall asleep to it. Yeah, I don't have to hear that menu over and over. It's like right back into the suite. Oh, maybe that's why because they're like people who like this are getting old. Yeah. Well, they're going to fall asleep watching
Cast and Soundtrack Discussion
00:03:39
Speaker
it. Yeah. We're going to help you out and your roommates.
00:03:42
Speaker
If you didn't have a crush on Josh Hartnett back then you will again. Yeah. I mean, I guess I would. I have more of a crush on him now that stupid hair is pissing me off. It's the freshly fucked hair. So almost two thousand's hair. Like it is just about two thousand. Yeah. It's got that fucking bedhead, but he's lazy. She's on top doing all the work. He just laying there taking it. He's too high. and I get on top. All right. He's letting the boobies hit his face. I'm not saying don't be on bottom. Just say don't be on bottom all the time.
00:04:13
Speaker
shit But also even when you're on top and her hand goes up in your hair like that and it just you got short hair and it just sticks up. Yeah. Look at that. No, that's nothing like his. Well, my hair's like a foot longer than his. Easily. At least. Easily. I'd say feats. And I often talk about them. This is directed by Robert Rodriguez. This is kind of his big like his studio picture because everything else he's done I mean, maybe Alita is considered a studio picture, but pretty much everything else is like yeah his stuff. He did do some really awful looking movie with Ben Affleck last year that was like a straight to Apple Plus or something. He showed me a good one with Ben Affleck. And I'll show you Good Will Hunting. Days of Confused. Mallrats. Oh, but that's I mean, that's barely with him. He was the bomb in Phantoms, yo. Bomb.
00:05:01
Speaker
I mean, those are movies that he's not on the cover for. Also, he is on the cover of Phantoms, but he's not the bottom of Phantoms. No, not Phantoms. That's just a joke from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I'm with you, Playboy. But yeah, Robert Rodriguez directed what's known as the Mexico trilogy. Most people have seen Desperado. That's the big one. El Mariachi, Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, which I still say to this day is a good movie, but I haven't seen it in 20 years. I hated it and I've never seen it again. Guess what? We're going to watch it. I just got it on 4K from Arrow Video. Of course you did. I'm not saying it's that. The whole box set. Oh. I mean, I'll watch El Mariachi. It's great. I'll watch Desperado all fucking day. So I'm going to hike in that one. Mickey Rourke with a little puppy. Yeah. That's funny. You're selling me on that? Yeah. Or you're just fucking affirming that I'm right. Yeah. He also directed Sin City, Planet Terror, the Machete movies, Alita Battle Angel. I just watched Dust Till Dawn. Dust Till Dawn.
00:05:58
Speaker
That has a little egg in this movie. It's got a couple eggs in this movie. Selma Hayek's got two of them. Yeah. And then there in the bathroom is the Tito and the tarantula, which is the band that plays. Which you were saying is a real band. It's a real band. I just found out. I just found this out after watching it last week. I just heard about a movie. video ourmates I I heard about a movie on another podcast and it was either with Nick Cage or John Travolta because it was the podcast called Travolta Cage. so You got a 50-50 choice here, pal. I can't remember what the movie was, but it stars Tito, I believe, of Tito and the Tarantulas. I have to find out what that was. I'm just guessing that that's a k Nick Cage movie. I think it was the John Travolta one. It doesn't matter because I don't remember what it was. so I doubt you that guy's got a large IMDB.
Screenwriting and Production Insights
00:06:46
Speaker
The the credited writers on here. So we have two people who accredited for story. I'm assuming they came up with the idea, wrote the first script. And then what happened was, oh, actually, I wrote it down. Look at that. You're so smart. What had happened was. So we have David Wechter and Bruce Kimmel in 1990. They wrote the first draft, first draft of the script and sent it out. But there was no buyers. And then Scream was a huge success in 96.
00:07:10
Speaker
So Miramax bought the script, rushed it into production, but they hired Kevin Williamson, who wrote Scream. I know what you did last summer. Oh, he's got a type. Well, he wrote Scream one, two and four. I still know what you did last summer. One, two and four. Yeah, three was awful.
00:07:26
Speaker
ah Remind me to just give me a fucking boy is the one with the her secret adopter her secret brother that her mom had Out of like three worlds. It's not Timothy Oliphant. Is it? No, it's somebody to miss two is Timothy Oliphant and Roseanne sister Yeah, and four is the one with her like little sister. Okay, so I might have only seen one and two, but I can't remember someone someone locked it out. It's someone I know, but I can't remember. because would take ah That's was scream. And but then scream six, they didn't call scream scream five. Okay, but then they decided to go ahead and go back to that weird.
00:08:01
Speaker
But yeah, so they ended up hiring that guy who also created Dawson's Creek and the vampire diaries. No. So that's a thing. I don't know what reaction you want from me. I dont know those are just things. I like the vampire. day Yeah, they hired him to make it more stuff, though. I do. Like, I'm not talking shit. I'm just saying like that sounds like it's up your alley. so Vampire diaries sounds less important to me than vampire diarrhea. Talk about shit and blood.
00:08:26
Speaker
ah What happens when a vampire gets diarrhea? Is there any stool in your blood? Yeah, I'd be nervous if there wasn't. Or blood in your stool. Is there any stool in your blood? Yeah, I said what I said, Doc. But yeah, they hired Kevin Williamson to make the script more, quote, hip. Uh-huh. Oh, it's hip. And he was going to direct this, too. But he was too busy directing Teaching Mrs. Tingle, which he also wrote. Go on? That's all I know. Oh. I don't remember the movie. I remember the movie. I really hope when you add something about Mrs. Tingle.
00:08:55
Speaker
No, i don't I don't know anything about that movie. I think I bought her sex toy. I might have one in a drawer. Wasn't like an erotic thriller. No, Mrs. Tingle is Mr. Clean's wife and she has sex lube.
00:09:08
Speaker
She's like, when we use Mr. Clean on my vagina at Tingles, they call me Mrs. Tingle. Mrs. Tingle, I'll make you tingle dangle, Mrs. Tingle. But so this movie is a success for the time. We're used to these inflated box office numbers these days. Like if a movie doesn't make $250 million, dollars it's trash. And if it does, it's still kind of bad, right?
00:09:29
Speaker
ah This would cost 15 million made 40.2. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, that's good and It's more than double. It's making money. Yeah, I mean this movie stars The 90s. Yes ah Both musically and actor I was gonna say let us talk about the music. This soundtrack is fuckable i love this i was i think it's gonna say this soundtrack is fire and i was ready to agree with you but yeah this soundtrack is fuckable a thousand percent um previous episode hackers yeah i liked how that that gave me that 90s vibe this gives me that 90s almost 2000s vibe i mean fuck dude we open up with uh offspring the kids aren't all right yeah like that's a fucking tone center this was high school for me we open up in my high school
00:10:12
Speaker
We do have one bad song on the soundtrack, and it's 18, previously sung by Alice Cooper, but this time sung by Creed. That, my friend, is a step down. And there's another ah Alice Cooper cover in this because there's schools out.
00:10:28
Speaker
Oh, I didn't even know that. Who's doing that one? Soul Asylum. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Well, you just said two 90s words. Creed and Soul Asylum. But the awesome song and ignore Creed. The awesome song was another brick in the wall part two, because that's the part that's the song ah done by class of 99. And I was like, I'm going to find their album.
00:10:47
Speaker
They have this song. This is the only song. Yeah, but who's in class of 99? So we got Lane Staley from Alice in Chains as the singer, of course. We got Tom Morello from Rage Against the Machine. And then you got a guy. I don't remember the names now. There was a guy from Porno for Pyros and Jane's Addiction. Yeah. Yep.
00:11:05
Speaker
The point of a pyro's guy was not Perry Farrell. No, it's just so we're clear. And then there's some garbage on here. The band like the band garbage and stabbing Westward. I think I think fucking Shirley Manson was in this movie. At least her outfits were. Yeah, there was so many girls in those little like what do we call those dresses?
00:11:23
Speaker
The baby doll dresses? Baby doll dresses in combat boots with a fucking choker. I was like, man, this is every girl had a crush on in high school. The really long skirts in combat boots? Oh, yeah. Like, if I want to go back and tell all these boys, like, run, you run from those girls. You do not flock towards them. No, you flock and you know that. If that crushed velvet baby doll dress is going to fuck you up one day. Yeah. And you're going to love every second of it. Yeah, I just don't like what comes after. You love the first half. You hate the second half.
00:11:47
Speaker
Yeah, the beginning and the middle parts are sweet. It's that ending that's real sticky. So is the beginning part. If you're doing it right. Sticky for different reasons. Well, we kick it off at football practice for, I forget, Huntington High. That sounds right. Hennington High. Huntington sounds right. Ohio. Hennessy. It had a ton in it. Huntington Hornets.
00:12:11
Speaker
Hunting hornets and they have stickers all over the school that say honk if you're hornet which made me laugh Yeah, no school is gonna let you do that now now ah fucking way yeah This takes place in Ohio, but it's filmed in Austin, Texas Because Robert Rodriguez made it and everything is made in Texas when Robert Rodriguez makes I mean this gives big Texas vibes It definitely does. I mean, talking about a football town yeah where this this high school has no money for anything except football. And that happens when you talk about it. Yeah. But you talked about it happening here in your high school. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they would defunded photography. They got rid of it because they were like, we can't afford it. But the same year, all the football, the football team got New Jersey's and new practice stuff and New Jersey's. I hate those.
00:12:58
Speaker
Yeah, fuck those guys. Did you get new jerseys when you were? Yeah, but we had a thing where we had to pay for them. Like they did this boosting fundraising thing and you had to give so much money or you couldn't keep your jersey at the end of the year. So I stole mine. I don't know if any of my high school football player people went on to play football. Yeah. But some people could have gone on to, I don't know, have careers in photography.
00:13:23
Speaker
Yeah, just saying. I mean, i know the ones that I went to high school with that went anywhere were were ah community colleges for the most part and Canadian or Australian football. Well, and you played football, so you know these people. I didn't. So I did not follow what they did after. Yeah. The one I do remember, the one football player I remember is the guy I used to buy drugs from. And in my 20s, not in school, not when I was in school, but it like after school. Yeah. He was the drug dealer. Well, yeah, dude.
00:13:51
Speaker
His fucking parents gave him gave him up to football and was like, just take care of yourself. Ended up making drugs in his basement. But so we we have football practice. Robert Patrick is the coach. Coach Joe Willis. And we'll just call him either coach or Robert Patrick. yeah I think is I think Coach Patrick sounds great. Patrick sounds fantastic. He is screaming at these boys. Yeah. And it's it's so Robert Patrick, for those who don't know, Terminator 2, he's peacemaker's dad. He replaced Mulder on the X-Files in the latter shittier years.
00:14:20
Speaker
He's one of the leads in Fire in the Sky. Oh, yeah. Just watched it's the only reason it's like fresh right there. And then DB Sweeney playing. Oh, he's a movie called The Last Gasp. Oh, yeah. Whitney watched it kind of. You say that so often about movies, dude. So that just. All right. Just let me paint a picture. Derek is sitting there with his TV whiskey and watching a movie and Whitney is sitting right next to him, probably playing fucking Kingdom Crush or whatever shit it is. I came to brush. It's the one where he got it like the soul of the Aztec warrior put into him and then he went and started murdering people You've heard it once you heard a thousand times. It's a I was gonna say it's a good movie You guys know what I'm about once again anyone is people ruin it for the white man, and it's Patrick in it Yeah, he was the one that was the murderer. Excuse me, Coach Patrick. Coach Patrick, sorry, sir. And we have Stan, who's played by a guy named Sean Hatosi. Oh, come on. Sean Hatosi. Hatosi. That's a fine hat I see. He is a ready. Sean Hatosi right there. I've got the crooked teeth to prove I'm Irish. I've learned I can't say ginger, so he's a ready.
00:15:23
Speaker
Oh, you can see it. I'll give you permission for it. I'm going to fight you after. And Usher, who's playing Gabe, who's in the four scenes of this movie. Yeah, it was his movie debut. His debut. This one is his movie debut and it's Jordana Brewster's movie debut. Oh, for real? Yeah. And if you don't remember Jordana, she's a Fast and Furious sister. She's the one that's hooked up with. She's Fast and Furious girlfriend.
00:15:49
Speaker
Sister Mia. Well, that movie is all about Toretto. Those movies are all about fucking each other sisters. So that could be anybody. yeah fuck each says I thought you said family. Gotcha. Different. I mean, it really is. You can't have an outside person in that group because you never know what kind of shit you're going to get into. And I know that you need to ride or die, bitch. yeah You're going to date my fucking sister because she's right or die. You're probably going to die, but you might ride. Oh.
00:16:13
Speaker
Only one of them died, and that was for real. He didn't die in the movies. Yeah, dude. He just went off to live in fucking Venezuela or whatever. Why not write him off and just give him a fucking beautiful funeral scene? He'd be like, well, our friend... He sacrificed himself for the team. Yes, and you're gonna get real emotion out of all these people that have had no emotion in any of these fucking movies. And now all of a sudden they're crying because Paul Walker actually died. You just nailed it.
00:16:37
Speaker
Yeah. Vin Diesel was like, no emotion. Dub, you're not going to see me cry. Families don't have emotion. I hear a smoker.
00:16:46
Speaker
But yeah, Robert Patrick screaming at these dudes, he flips the fucking bench over and shit. I want to do that so bad. I just want to flip. Oh, I want to have a fucking coral with a water sprinkler. because He goes, I don't know what it is. he I think it's only because you said it while we were watching this movie is all about setup. Yeah, it sets up oh really well. It was awkward for him to be standing in front of the sprinklers later. Yeah. And we know now he hates sprinklers. Yeah, because he had to water his alien. Yeah. yeah Take your alien for a walk of water. it But so some sinister shadow approaches him. He's like who the fuck are you and we cut out? So yeah, and it's just it's setting up that there's gonna be someone you don't know. Yeah, it's definitely not the new girl. Oh no definitely not Dude I saw this movie once and literally all I remembered was I liked it and John Stewart and I was watching it and I was like Oh, no. Yeah. No, it's that girl. What about you? How many times have you watched this do you think? Oh Oh, seriously? Yeah. in In two years of high school, I probably watched this 15 times. Because this is a VHS or DVD home thing. Yeah, this was a DVD. thing I probably saw this a couple of times when I was younger, like when I was in high school. i like I was a junior in high school. You said 98? 98. So I was working at a movie theater. Well, no, I wasn't there in 98.
00:18:06
Speaker
But it was a cheap seat, so maybe it was there in 99. Because I have a memory of seeing this a couple times in theaters, like just kind of being too stoned to go home. So I'd say I've seen this movie maybe four times. That's part of the reason I saw Freddie versus Jason so many times. Yeah, you're like, well, it's on and I'm stoned as shit. I go home and I talk to my parents and ask why I look this way. I'm going to say, I don't know.
Character Introductions and Dynamics
00:18:28
Speaker
You know, it's weird. My parents asked me that a lot. And it was before I started. I don't know. Why do you why are you the way you are? Why are you so often? And then we cut to a teacher meeting in the faculty lounge. We have principal Valerie Drake, who's played by Bebe Newworth, who is the hottest
00:18:47
Speaker
Chick on Cheers. Yeah. What was it? Lilith? Lilith. Lilith. Oh, you mean Lilith from Wings? Wait, what? She was in like one or two episodes of Wings. Was she? As Lilith? Huh, Storn and Crane? Yeah, it's so it's all it's all one universe, man. Oh, damn. Like Harry was on Cheers also.
00:19:06
Speaker
Yeah, but adds a different character though, because I still maintain. He was also Harry. I know, but I maintain. I've, trust me, I've gone in circles on Reddit about this. I think that Harry the Hat faked his law degree and became Judge Harry for Night Court. Yeah. Yeah. That's not, I have so many people that fight me on this. But I think this was, that was them trying to make it one universe.
00:19:25
Speaker
So she's on Cheers, Frasier, and Wings as Lilith, Dr. Lilith Crane. Stern and Crane. She keeps that stern when she gets married. OK. I just wrote down Lilith. Yeah, you you can't. I did all of that. She's just fucking hot. Even in Jumanji when she plays their their aunt. Oh, yeah. She's in Jumanji. Isn't she also in Two and a Half Men? Isn't she John Cryer's ex-wife? She had Two and a Half Men in her.
00:19:47
Speaker
I don't. Yeah, I couldn't tell you. Oh, it's positive. I'm pretty sure John Cryer is on that show. But so there's also Mr. Tate, who's played by Daniel Von Bargen. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back. Because he was in The Postman. Oh, yeah. Super Troopers, RoboCop 3. Seinfeld plays Kruger. Yeah, I like that guy. Him and George's dad are going to wrestle on Festivus. We just automatically have.
00:20:09
Speaker
So this movie is about an alien invasion and like body snatcher shit. Yeah. So we automatically have Robert Patrick and Daniel Von Bargen, who are just terrifying. Terrifying. And Famke Jansen, who is also terrifying it in a different way. Fear boners. Fear boners all the way. Oh, God. Bonerifically terrifying. At one point, she grabs the back of Josh Hartnett's head and she's about to give him a predator kiss. Like we admire somebody's skull with their fucking fingers.
00:20:33
Speaker
fear boner. And then she threatens to put a foot up my butt so I can taste her toes. You can suck on my toes. She's a graduation. Wow. Famke Jansen is playing like a mousy teacher. Very docile. She's all that here. Yep. Yeah. She's got glasses and stuff. So there's no way she's hot. no These glasses are dope though. She's wearing like fucking flowers on her her cardigan sweater. She can't be hot. What is with these bangs though? She's not hot. it's Yeah, exactly. Also, she still had the bangs when she was hot. It's the 90s. But they pushed them to the side though. This is like this fucking tarantula fucking like an go anorexic tarantula creeping down your head. They were like little Lydia lydia bangs. Yeah, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Oh, okay. I was like, who the fuck is Lydia? I got you. Got it.
00:21:16
Speaker
And then we have Mrs. Olsen, who's played by Piper Laurie, who is in Carrie. She's on Beauty and the Beast. Oh, don't go too far. Who is she in Carrie? I don't know. I just wrote down she was in Carrie. Hot chick. Oh, the music teacher Olsen. And she was also in Twin Peaks, which is where I know her from. Of course. Makes sense. I mean, that's how it is with me and Seinfeld. It's like, oh, how do you know them? They had one line in episode four of season three. Well, she was like a character on Twin Peaks, but still.
00:21:45
Speaker
But so nobody on there is a main character except for the people. McLaughlin. Again, she's super mousy. Like she's got that like what a music teacher would look like. Sorry. No, your mother. Oh, sans your mother. But like the shots at fucking music, each bun up on top of her head. And it's like.
00:22:03
Speaker
Almost like the mom from, um, zippity-doo-dah, zippity-ay. Not the south, but, uh... Splash Mountain. Mary Poppins? Thank you. Oh, okay. But they're basically setting up all these teachers. First, they're setting up the school has no money, but that doesn't matter. They're setting up all these teachers. How can you say music teachers aren't sexy? You've seen Richard Dreyfuss in Mr. Holland's Opus. Go on.
00:22:25
Speaker
But all these, they're setting up the teacher's personalities. Daniel Von Bargen is a drunk, angry asshole. How did you not see it coming? He takes his coffee in a stein. And he basically only pours whiskey in it, I'm pretty sure. It's coffee now. He fills it with whiskey and splashes coffee on top. That's the creamer. It loads of coffee bean. A little accent there.
00:22:47
Speaker
Mrs. Olsen Piper Lori is like again mousy quiet like ah very rare and Miss Drake really wanted to do poison or the guys and dolls. Yeah, miss maybe we'd like to use last year's play Mrs. Drake is like the in charge one, but also like apologetic about stuff and Robert Patrick is a psychotic asshole Yeah, and all these things flip and that's kind of why we're setting it up right this movie sets up everything Yeah, he the script And I'm going to give Robert Rodriguez credit because I like him. Did a good job on so just like the setup and the payoff. It's all Chekhov's gun situation from the beginning to the end. Even like little details in the background, like the water jugs or like Jon Stewart in the principal's office, like just stab me in the eye with a pencil. Yeah, we say retire already. And somebody even says like, ah don't kill me about it. and It's like, well,
00:23:38
Speaker
Probably get killed later. Yeah. So all that's going on, they have their meeting. It's at night. The teachers leave. Principal goes back inside for some shit. Robert Robert Patrick got keys. OK, Robert Patrick comes in being aggressively sexual. It seems she's like, well, hey, there's a fine line or not so fine line between harassment. It's like, no, this is openly harassment. Yeah. You're being blocked like Louis C.K. He won't let you leave the room right now. I would not watch Robert Patrick stand up. I'd be too terrified to laugh.
00:24:06
Speaker
ah Knock, knock, I'm not answering. ah I'm not saying knock knock who's at the door. It's T2. I'm not saying who's there. Shut up. Pretend we're not home. Fucking Patrick knock on the door, man. like We don't want a part of that. I do. Knock, knock, come in. It's open. It's open so much.
00:24:26
Speaker
I'm just laying there. Coach Patrick! Hungry? I don't know. Have you seen him? I don't know if that's what he really looks like on Peacemaker, but he's not holding up, if that's what he really looks like. But yeah, the coach comes in, he's like, I need a pencil. She's like, go get your own fucking pencil. He don't need a fucking pencil. I need a fucking pencil. And she stabs her through the hand with a pencil. I always wanted to do that.
00:24:51
Speaker
I mean, I believe them. I mean, I've always I've heard I I did stab a kid in middle school with. I got stabbed with a pan. I still have a scar. We should ask. I should ask if you got a scar. So friends of this person. Yeah. After stabbing. Well, he was fucking with me like he was sitting behind me. So I just took my pencil and jabbed him in the leg with it and broke the lead. What?
00:25:12
Speaker
Don't say it so normally. I think it's not real lead. He'd be dead right or a superhero is carbon carbonite graphite graphite carbonite carbonites not real. I'm not a science whole different thing. I think it was I think I when I was I think in an adamantium pencil.
00:25:29
Speaker
Hey, know Adam and you couldn't erase that. um But, yeah, this there's a little cat and mouse in there. He's trying to chase her down. He's she's locked in the school. There's he's yeah put chains on all the doors. Oh, yeah. Well, maybe it's because he's working with other people. Not yet, though. Yes. Oh, yeah. Because Mrs. Olsen is at the door and she's like,
00:25:50
Speaker
I need to get my lesson plan. And she's like, let me the fuck out of here. I don't have my keys. And she gets her keys and gets out. I don't know why she's a Lucky Charms leprechaun, but he's not run the dialogue. Let me have my keys. They're always after me, student, tea my faculty keys. But as soon as Lilith gets outside,
00:26:10
Speaker
Mrs. Olsen stabs the fuck out of her with the scissors. I always want to. Man, what a bitch that you must be that everyone wants to stab you with different implements. I mean, you're the principal of a school that has essentially no money. So all the incoming money is going to nobody else's fucking thing. You got to do something. You need to put the pal and principal.
00:26:30
Speaker
Okay, it's up to you. I think you had the same principal. I never had a principal that put the pal in principal. I went to a fucking Catholic school. I think I was friends with them fucking nuns. I think I was friends with those goddamn penguins. All my principals are fucking assholes. It might have been because I was a piece of shit. I'm not going that far because I'm pretty sure they got some pull to big guy.
00:26:47
Speaker
Hey, guys, after this episode, I really kind of want to go out and get a beer. What are you thinking? I mean, OK, look, the thing is, I deal with beer so much in my life, I want something else. i'm I'm fine with beer, but I want like a stiff cocktail or a nice glass of whiskey. You know, the music box is just down the way and you can get an awesome cocktail or they even have like tombstone and other great beers on tap.
00:27:08
Speaker
The music box, where would I find that? Oh, you mean the music box at 6951 East 22nd Street in yeah Tucson, Arizona. Right down there at 22nd and Cove. Yeah, they've got a great selection of whiskey, gin, tequila, mezcal, other spirits. Ooh, sometimes they have like putting shots and jello shots. You're putting me on. And depending on the night of the week, we can get karaoke, live music. It's great. Ooh, unhappy hour. on Oh, it's Wednesday. It's unhappy hour. Yeah. I'm in. You guys are shelling me. Let's go to the music box lounge right now.
00:27:37
Speaker
well oh
00:27:40
Speaker
And then we meet all the the kids the next day. So we've got Delilah, who's played by a Jordana Brewster. Oh, and it does that fun little like freeze frame and then like savage writing. I love it. It's ah well, it's nice because it's a big cast. Yeah. Usually I would think it's stupid, but there are so many kids.
00:27:59
Speaker
But we're also in the late 90s. I mean, it is that kind of cool. It's almost like we were in a fucking moving comic book, you know, and I love this, especially when it's a team introducing part of a movie. Yeah. Johnny, he's on grenades. Laura, she's the driver. So you really loved that part of Transformers the last night where they did that with all the Transformers bad guys, Decepticons, and then they killed them off four minutes later. I liked that part until they killed them off four minutes later. Same. I mean I can I can love and hate something. It's how I date and then we have Stokely or Stokes played by Clea Duvall who in this movie crash on her when this came out So she in real life as a lesbian in this movie She's a straight girl pretending to be a lesbian to keep people away from her So she's a lesbian playing a straight kid playing a lesbian. Yeah The dude is playing the dude is playing the other dude. And Claire Duvall, she's in Handmaid's Tale. She was on Heroes. She's in The Grudge. She's in a movie Whitney made me watch called 10 Inch Hero. She's all that? Is she in She's All That? Yeah, she's the meme one that passes out to party all drunkenly. Oh, yeah. And Rachel Lee Cook puts like clown makeup on her.
00:29:09
Speaker
We have Zeke, who's played by Josh Hartnett. Let your wife get one out real quick. Oh, my God. With his little lip bites and like the intense I stare when he's just right there on you. All right. That's it. Keeping your pants down. He's a high schooler. He was like 24. I mean, even though you say he's a high schooler, let's take out the fact that the actor is mid 20s. He's repeating his senior year. So he is at the youngest 18.
00:29:34
Speaker
Yeah. More than likely. Nineteen. Old number. Fucking Famke Jensen. All right. So he's twenty nine when they're making this movie. It's fine. Oh, God. What a good looking twenty nine. You're born in. You know what? Go ahead, Whitney. Have a have a hit it because you're young for him. This is ninety eight. He's playing a high schooler. He was born in a year that had a seven in it before the last letter for that last number. I mean, 1978, 1970. Oh, no. So he was 19. I'm doing math already. Yeah, you are. Because 1970 B.
00:30:04
Speaker
he's only four years younger than yeah 1978 my bad nine i'm thinking because yeah so what year is it now 2024 i still think the 90s were 10 years ago i know so he's 46 this movie is coming up on its 30th anniversary He did not age very well. He did not. Well, Josh Hartnett is gorgeous now. Is he? Yes. All right. You keep it in your pants now, Derek. God, I got to separate. okay The most recent thing you would have seen is the the the preview for Trump. All right. Look, I'm going to get you guys a role playing sex game where you're going to dress like young Josh Hartnett and you're going to dress like older Josh Hartnett and you guys are going to fucking have a Hartnett fight.
00:30:44
Speaker
I got a heart net on on the thinking about this. Honk if you're heart hit. He was an Oppenheimer most recently. He was in trap, of course, like I said, but none of us have seen that yet. Oh, that Black Mirror episode. He's in an episode of Black Mirror with... Jesse. 40 days a night.
00:31:00
Speaker
30 days a night. yeah Oh, I did 10 more. than That was like his last like thing before he disappeared for a while. and movie was Okay, so one day I came into work and I hit the Internet tab on the tablet. And what popped up was just because that's back when we had Pandora through that. And what popped up was what happened to Josh Hartnett. And I laughed. I was like, what the fuck are these other bartenders googling at night? And I now know it was Derek trying to figure out what's he up to right now. He was also he's a black hawk down. was I would still do it. He's still on my list. I love you. I saw a black hawk down. It's almost the same. thing Yeah. It's just about ah it's about a black guy with a D. Is that Owen Wilson? Is that wow. Black Hawk down.
00:31:43
Speaker
What's he in? I don't think he was in Black Hawk. I don't. Behind enemy. Oh, I was in my head. I was like, he's never been in Gene Hackman and him behind enemy me lines based on a true story. It's what George W. Bush tells. People happen to him. We also meet. We meet Casey getting his balls wrapped in a light of flagpole getting yeah like say into an Elijah Wood. He's not going to get Elijah Wood after this. He's getting his Elijah Elijah Wood taken out. But yes, it's Elijah Wood. You came to school with a boner. Basham boys. And I read I read.
00:32:13
Speaker
multiple bits of quote trivia and I'm gonna hard quote that yeah that's a hard quote ah that this is the movie like on this movie he found out about Lord of the Rings and so he was like I probably not gonna get it but he made his own he basically had a friend film him at home Who's the who's the one in love with the elf? Hugo Viggo Mortensen. That's Viggo. OK. Eric Warren, a.k.a. Strider, a.k.a. I'm not going to get in a lawyer. A.k.a. I've seen that dick and it waggles. Oh, that's right. He fights with that dick. Not like he's not stabbing people with it. I mean, he can stab me with it. The movie Eastern Promises, David Cronenberg movie, he plays like a Russian gangster and there's a there's a life fight in a like a Russian bath house. And he is nude.
00:32:59
Speaker
and proud. If you ever watch Lord of the Rings with me, it is going to be a fucking bore for you because I'm not going to shut up about all the behind the scenes stuff that I know. And I'm like, you know, that wasn't supposed to happen. You don't have it here. You don't do this. You see that box set? I know all that behind the scenes stuff.
00:33:15
Speaker
Did you know that when they threw the knife at Viggo Mortensen's face at the end of the last one, it wasn't supposed to go near him. It's supposed to hit the tree, but it's quick reflexes, knock the knife out of the air with his sword. They kept it in. Oh, but so Josh Hartnett pulls up. Oh, there's one more person we meet. Mary Beth Louise something. I wrote down Mary Beth, but she always says her full name when she. Oh, yeah. Yeah. From Atlanta. ah Yeah. And she's played by Laura Harris Harrington from Atlanta.
00:33:44
Speaker
ah She is played by Laura Harris. Her biggest thing besides maybe this was she was on Dead Like Me. Yeah, I don't know from anything but this, but she's a Canadian gal. Presumably, if she was on Dead Like Me. Do you want a decent Southern accent, I might say. I mean, you can tell it's fake, but yes, it's embellished heavily. It's better than Nick Cage's Southern accent and Conair. Put the pony back in the ball. She's not better than Nick Cage and Conair, but it's better than the accent. No.
00:34:08
Speaker
Josh Hartnett pulls up in his sweet ass GTO. Oh, it's a goat. Love that fuck. And he drives it like an asshole, but you have to. And he parks it. Well, you don't have to park it in two spots fucking sideways. You'd do it. I would block him in. You do if you're in high school. He's not going to want to fucking ruin that GTO for my shitbox I drove in high school. What'd you drive? 77 Ford pickup. I mean, I loved it. Don't get me wrong. But it was no fuck. I had a 77 pickup also. Nice. Mine was international. Ford Explorer.
00:34:36
Speaker
You were a football player that drove a pickup. Yeah, until I got my Camaro. When did you get your Camaro? My junior year. When did you graduate to nerd? I've never been a nerd. I had to hide that shit lovingly. But yeah, so Stokely is the bitchy goth. Jordana Brewster is like the peppy cheerleader, also bitchy. It's the 90s. I think all the girls have to be bitchy. I mean, it's the fucking breakfast club.
00:35:04
Speaker
Mary Beth has a secret and she's also Molly Ringwald. You know, that's fair. Stokely or Stokely Stokely Stokely is the what's her name? Oh, fuck I know exactly what it is. Yes. So Josh Hartnett makes a living as a second year senior. selling and Yeah, he's Judd Nelson for sure selling drugs fake IDs porno porno. Yeah, cherry flavor condoms. cherry ladoms Laxatives cherry laxatives Aspirin chocolate laxatives chocolate. la ah Presumably aspirating on energy drinks. I got a joke. Hush. Don't tell anybody. I got a case of joke. I don't say it that loud. Everyone's gonna want some. I've got Joke Cola in the back of my car, but you can't drink it right now because I drive like an asshole. Somebody cracks one open, just rubs it in their gums. That's pure Joke Cola. That's the good stuff, man. Give him the money. but So he sells some drugs to Danny Masterson and some other guy. Some other guy. Mitch from Days in Review. Mitchell. Mitchell.
00:36:07
Speaker
Mitchie Mitchie, we're gonna get you Is that the that's the main he's the brother he's kind of the star of the movie really or the the the Protagonist I just don't recognize you gotta join on these and confused ma super long hair and days and confused and he's always grabbing his fucking bridge of his nose When he's playing baseball or trying to folks because he was doing all the drugs out of the pen you got to join him No, he's playing his own dad back then No, man, he'd be a lot cooler if you did My Danny Masterson is hanging out in a bathroom doing drugs. This is what you expect from Danny Masterson. Yeah? Well, at least he's not raping anybody. Similar jokes. I went a little lighter than Whitney. It doesn't always happen. It doesn't always happen. And we go back to the teacher's lounge and we meet the rest of the teachers. We have Jon Stewart playing Professor Edward Furlong. Oh, I wonder if there's any connection between that and a guy the guy that played Terminator 2. A fucking course there is. According to the IMDB trivia, no one gives a fuck. It's not trivia. It's fucking somebody having a little laugh at you.
00:37:05
Speaker
Yeah. Also, if you watched this movie and then you had to read the IMDB trivia to make the connection, you didn't watch Terminator 2. So move on. Move on. yeah You get nothing. Good day, sir. John Stewart, of course, from Big Daddy.
00:37:21
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah they hiding him from Yeah, of course he wasn't on like a yeah a talk show of any no, he never was like America's best voice No, never aren't they doing that with him again now? They got rid of troll Trevor Wiley or no, what's that guy? know No, no, no, I never know ever Nolan Trevor Trevor Noah Trevor Noah We were right there. Yeah, we were we got it. no ah Trevor Noah Wylie. The guy from South Africa. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't watched it in years, but I saw an ad recently. Well, as you john said earlier, we just don't have TV anymore. Yeah, that's not I don't think it's on Paramount Plus now. I don't have that. I don't anymore either. Sounds like TV. Rosa Harper, who's the nurse, who's played by Selma Hayek. hi who
00:38:04
Speaker
Even if it's sick, she's hot. Who does nothing in this movie other than blow her nose and die? Yeah, dude, how much for that tissue? What are you doing with that? Just throwing it away? Even Jon Stewart, dude, like she is looking and sounding like death right now, spraying whatever you throw antiseptic shit, what there is, fucking chugging herbal teas, taking supplements, and just Jon Stewart's like, what are you doing? And I can relate to her because he's like, you should probably go home sick. She's like, no, I'm saving my sick days for when I don't feel like shit. and Him and the other teacher look at each other like, no, no, that's she's right. You're doing it wrong. I mean, it's a pre covid world, obviously. Yes. And you can tell because it's just public water fountains or bubblers, as they're called across the country. Thank you. No. Across the pond, you mean? Across the pond. No, they're called bubblers here. Are they? Yeah. Never heard that before in my life.
00:38:53
Speaker
Oh, dude, somebody listening that's not, like especially not from Arizona, please. these These are called bubblers. I hope the YouTube guy that commented about the the Friday the 13th stuff gives you a fucking thesis statement on bubblers. Please do. Email us at badminton.com. I called them water fountains or drinking fountains. Water fountains or drinking fountains is, yes. Because a bubbler is like a portable bong that you drink you smoke out of. oh you' shit You don't drink out of it. A portable water pipe.
00:39:19
Speaker
Yeah, well, you know, I'm not worried about it anymore. It's legal. It's fun. It fit in your hand. It was a little like bubbler. No, no, no. Bubbler is not a bong. A bubbler is a pipe with a water. Yeah, it's a pipe with water in it. Yeah. Yeah. But don't fondle it like that. I'm a fondler like this. It's like this. What bubblers did you guys have? Cheech and Chong.
00:39:39
Speaker
and We mentioned Pamkey Janssen. She's playing ah my wife. um And Pamkey Janssen's previously been on this show. So let's just mention that. She was on Deep Rising yeah last October. So one year ago. Oh, wow. For a Triggered 3 Williams. No. Yeah, you did. Let's do it.
00:39:56
Speaker
Run with it. Most recently, she was in Boy Kills World, which we all enjoyed. Yeah, but yours did not seem to, but we did. Oh, yeah. That doesn't seem like a movie that most people are going to get. Like, what do you mean? He's why is that guy speaking gibberish? Because he can't fucking read his lips. It's funny. It was hilarious. It was. Oh, you guys bought that like fucking right after we left the theater. yeah We left the theater. I pre-ordered the four K. I've got it up there. Yeah, I'd be down for a rewatch that just a non-episode. Same. could Put it on. I ain't got to work some tomorrow morning.
00:40:25
Speaker
But so we find out Stan is quitting football. He was the star quarterback. Jordan Brewster is like, well, I'm the head cheerleader. I only date the head quarterback or whatever. Have you ever seen a movie from the 80s or 90s? I'm going to date that star quarterback. Hey, Usher, take that dick out.
00:40:41
Speaker
She doesn't even like this guy. She's like, nope, Estee Lauder says 72 hours. Don't touch these lips. I'm not going to lie. I don't like much of this guy either. Also, she's leaving the lips, so she's not going to shower for three days. 72 minutes, I guess. Oh, yeah. 72 minutes.
Key Plot Developments and Creature Discovery
00:40:55
Speaker
All right. Either way, gross. 72 minutes. Still way too long, especially if you're going to make your lips look that good. I'm going to kiss them with consent.
00:41:04
Speaker
got really quiet after I said, like, well, you guys don't believe me that I only kiss consensually. I was trying to think of someone who would do it without consent, and I couldn't think of anyone right now. ah Me and Dan. There's a lot of them, but me. Oh, the producer of this movie, Harvey Weinstein. Yep. Because this is a Miramax picture.
00:41:21
Speaker
Uh, Mary Beth, who is the new girl in school. I think we didn't. I don't know if we mentioned, but she's the new girl. She's chatting up Stokes who has no interest. You mentioned it when you gave away the whole fucking plot, dude. Spoiler of the whole movie. I told you to watch the movie. I told you where you could watch it. Fair enough.
00:41:37
Speaker
She's chatting up Stokely. Jordana Brewster comes up to talk to them. Delilah, right? Yeah. Comes up to talk to them and fucking Stokely. I just loved it because she's like, get the fuck out of here. You've got her slut. Yeah. There's so many good insults in this movie. Oh, tit bags. You got weird dick. Weird dick. Like, does he have a weird dick or is he a weird dick? He's probably saying because he's a red. Uh-huh. So she's probably like, get your fucking dick away from me. Hold on. I kind of like to go back to Ginger if a red is what we're going to call the people of my... Hold on, did you see that next door, a red moved in? He's a fan of potatoes. He's a fan of potatoes. How's that? Stereotypical and correct. A non-consensual American.
00:42:24
Speaker
Look in the history if you don't get so many people. Not everybody can handle freckles on a penis. Would you look at this, honey? In the newspaper says he has a little red get a vote. As soon as the red moves into the neighborhood, the whole thing goes down. I said, let them get their own place like a little like a red Wall Street. You ever seen in the Hobbit? They can live in those little things. Hobbits don't go out during the day anyway. The Reds will be fine there. Let them frolic in the shine.
00:42:52
Speaker
So Elijah Wood is eating lunch. Speaking of fobbits. Exactly. Elijah Wood's eating lunch at the football field. It only matters because he finds this weird little thing that looks like a tentacle. I think he's having 11z's. It looks like a finger.
00:43:08
Speaker
Looks like hydrateed adult sick saying this it looks like the most used tampon yeahh hydrated he's like He takes it up he takes it to John Stewart and John Stewart's like that's a used tampon Yeah, why do you keep bringing me these every fucking Friday with you you bring me one of these? I keep finding them in the bathroom at the wind in the women's bathroom in the trash. It's the weirdest thing They're popping up everywhere in women's restrooms oh They have a lulch they have a little separate little trash can just for these it's their breeding ground I take one out for go in later. Well, it's like a tampon because when you put water on it, it swells up and it comes back to life. So he does that. It comes to life. He puts it in the fish tank. I didn't know how sick this connection was going to make me. And I regret making that joke. And now it's just like, unlike a tampon, when Jon Stewart fingers this thing, it splits into two. Yeah, I guess that could happen. I was going to say, have you ever tried? No, I have not. It's like he squeezed it because he's trying to pet it.
00:44:08
Speaker
Well, he wants to feel it because the surface text texture has changed. But it's such a fucking bad idea, dude, because, A, the surface texture changed on animal species that you've never known about. B, it came back to life with water. By the way, you found it. it's ah Clearly, they look at it under a microscope. It's an aquatic creature. And you found it in Ohio.
00:44:29
Speaker
And this isn't the sea. This is not next to Lake Erie. Yeah, but I see it spawned red tendrils. So I need to keep listing bad ideas. i He played a great science teacher. Science. You fucking do shit. yeah Science doesn't involve putting your hand in a fish tank. You just poke it. Science. Poke it. Science, bitch. Remember when um the tingler dosed himself with LSD? Okay, hold on. i' like Are we citing fucking Vincent Price yeah dosing himself with LSD? but science i For science, bitch. Okay, it's time to find out how much acid can I take. A one, a two, square, purple, blue. Oh, I got all the way to blue. no
00:45:14
Speaker
hello
00:45:17
Speaker
I don't remember who was telling me. Somebody the other day was talking about like, oh man, I love taking mushrooms. Like I can just fucking see colors. I'm like, wait, are you color blind until you take mushrooms? But they were trying to say like they see more vibrant, beautiful colors, but shoot all of a sudden I can see colors. ah You know, I can hear sound. Well, this person never understood why people complain about black and white movies. He's like, they're all, you guys don't like movies. Have you tried mushrooms? No, I didn't. It really changes Chaplin's performance.
00:45:46
Speaker
ah would So the the creature, you talked about how it has like tentacles and tendrils and stuff coming out of it. They drop this thing in there. It looks like a really fucked up tadpole. Yeah, it does. But it's got it's these long red tendrils. And again, I'm like, don't. That's not a thing. Those are jellyfish tendrils. At best, it's going to sting you like a jellyfish. yeah yes At worst, it's going to infect you and turn you into a pod person. yeah And did you guys saw when Duval put her hand up there and then the tendrils like lined up with her hand? Yeah.
00:46:15
Speaker
That was cool. The special effects. A lot of most of the CG holds up pretty well. there's Yeah. Very few that are painful. And and there's also there is CG. It's 1998 and it's a 15 million dollar movie. But there's actual but there's real. though The queen is mostly real. Yeah. Yeah. When we get to the queen's real, dude.
00:46:34
Speaker
The monarchy is a myth. So Stan goes to take a shower at school, oh which, fuck, sorry. The fucking creature design is cool, but it's a dumb evolutionary design. It can't open its mouth and that show its teeth. I think unless it's like awesome. It's got these fingers that open the mouth. up No, the look is cool. The look is cool. And I like that. I'm i'm just looking at it from a practical point of view. I'm like, so if you have like a finger cramp, you just don't eat.
00:47:00
Speaker
Like you can't open your mouth without these tendrils that pull your lips back. Oh, did it open them? Yeah. i Think of Predator style mandibles, but they're on the top and the bottom and it opens up the mouth to expose those gnarly teeth. I was just thinking about like how it opens like slowly and unfolds kind of. And I was like, what's like a shark? or The great queen does it. The queen does it in the pool coming up later. Yeah. And it's just like it's it looks great. I'm just complaining from it. like It's not a very from a science ga point of view.
00:47:29
Speaker
But so Stan goes to take a shower at school, which is unacceptable. Also puts if you're going to if you have to do this, man, wear some fucking flip flops. Yeah, you don't don't say ever step on. Yes, at best. That's why you pee on it, right? Fucking SARS. Yeah, just to sterilize it. Yeah, just like George Costanza. They're all pipes. and' is so That's like the one episode of Seinfeld. I remember yeah ill go to the same place. They're all pipes. I think it's OK to pee in the showers. I'm not saying a public one. I'm just saying like your personal one speaking from where they're all pipes and all goes the same place. I think that's fine.
00:47:59
Speaker
right in and tell me I'm wrong. I'm not going to drink it. But while he's in there, people shower. While he's in there showering, one of these other teachers, Mrs. Bloom, the ugliest comes in, you will ever see. Yeah, she's got funny and gnarly feet. She's melting. I don't want to talk about her feet. She's like melting. She's got like sores on her face. She's like trying to push him out of the way to get under the water. And like but he grabs her by the head and she like hug of her fucking hair comes out. It's just her scalp.
00:48:25
Speaker
ah Yeah, I mean, a chunk of hair followed by skin, and it's just goo everywhere. It's disgusting. It's well done because, ew. And she's got her naked body pressed against his naked body. Which also, ew. When Elijah Wood came in, he said, get help, but at first, dererick get out. This is my poll, dude. Get out. You see this chick coming on to me? I didn't want anyone to know I was fucking Miss Bloom or whatever her name is. She's only 90. But don't tell anybody. Fucking the old librarians like a moped. It's fun to do a bunch of Ken's, your friends catch you riding it. After that happens, we do this is when we cut to the excelling porn out of the trunk. So they say it's not Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt. They're naked, right? But when he first says this and he hands them these VHS tapes, I was like, does he just bootleg and wild things? And then I was like, nope, that's Denise Richards. Never mind. Casey, Elijah Wood and Delilah are sneaking around the the faculty lounge because she's basically looking. go Yeah, she's looking for shit because she runs the newspaper. He's the photographer and she's trying to run like a ah tabloid. But she won't listen to her boyfriend, Stan, about what he his story is. She's like, I'm the news person. Do you think she would do you do think she would make it front page, though? Like, actually, actually, the Stan quit football besides the try to have a brain. Not that. She won't listen to how coach is fucking weird now. Like, he was super crazy. And he's like, there's something here, obviously something going on, man, point when he first started trying to tell
00:49:46
Speaker
because they tell they tell him about it and he doesn't believe. But either way, she's right. We're about to get there. But I just when he first started trying to tell her that he's quitting a team, she's like, I got to fucking get a scoop. And he's like, I could have a scoop for you. It's not that big of a deal. Quit thinking yourself that highly guy. OK, I see where you're coming from. While they're sneaking around, Mrs. Olsen and Coach Patrick, Coach T2000 come in.
00:50:07
Speaker
And so they hide in the closet and they're talking about they're just first of all, they're chugging water Which was what all these things all these infected people are doing in the background you see a guy with like three empty jugs on ah a Hand truck. Oh, yeah, he's got a hand truck full and this was like when the the water jugs you had were glass Oh, yeah, so I'm like by the way poor guy having a wheel in I mean he shows up with the truck and I'm like I'm pretty sure that a whole truck is for this school Yeah, everybody's sitting here at this table has been Pretty hungover before. And you just chug water, right? Yep. Are you going to fucking do it in a little paper cone? Nope. No, far give me a bigger receptacle. God, like if Robert likes John Stewart says something about Robert Patrick chugging water. And he's like, and he's like, just watching him makes me want to pee. And I'm like, well, it would have been funnier if he got down on the ground and was just opening the spigot and just pouring water into his mouth like Barney from The Simpsons. He is oddly standing there very calm, cool, collected and then
00:51:01
Speaker
Slowly filling the cup and then slowly. Yeah, in the cup and then slowly. I guess it is just more. It's just it's super eerie.
Alien Transformation and Parent Reactions
00:51:10
Speaker
Yeah. So I said of him. I'm just looking at tables. I'm looking at it from a stoned hungover point of view. I'm like, dude, there's not enough cones of water in this plane to help out what I got going right now.
00:51:22
Speaker
Selma Hayek comes in and they basically it looks like Robert Patrick's about to rape her. Oh, yeah This is also is just watching and getting off but he's and and he vomits an alien case. He's also getting off on it cuz he's sniffing joining oh hes sniffing ah jordana bruce i get yeah I'm sure she smells amazing don't because this is right after he she said some bitchy shit and he was like He started to say something and she's like, what's that? And he's like, I think you're a lovely person when you're not a world class bitch. And this is not one of those moments. You're being a bitch right now. Are you hitting on me? No. I mean, maybe is it is it working or is it if I'm hitting on? OK, are you offended? Because if you're offended, I'm joking. But if you're not offended like that, nobody cared back then. and It's like that Nelly song. I'm only kidding unless you're going to do it.
00:52:07
Speaker
Yeah. But when they I do like when he finds the flask and he's like, oh, what about this? And she's like, I wrote an expose about Mr. Tate's drinking last year. Last year's news. Where everyone knows he drinks. Obviously, you don't read my paper. True. He just takes pictures. Well, isn't he a freshman and she's a senior?
00:52:23
Speaker
Freshman, is he? I want to say he's the freshman. I just took it as he was a small, same grade. Because they all seem to know each other. You know what I mean? It's not like a new, oh, here's this stupid freshman trying to talk to me. It's it's it's almost, it's it's, you're familiar. You know, like I've been picking on you the last four fucking years, dude. I know you, Casey.
00:52:41
Speaker
But yeah, they vomit alien bugs into Selma Hayek's ear. Yeah. And the kids flip out. I wish it was reversed. The kids flip out. And when they're scrambling in the closet, which is always a bad idea, Mrs. Broome's dead body falls on them. Yeah. No, you got to keep your cool when aliens are sneezing larva into each other's ears. OK, keep your cool.
00:53:03
Speaker
I feel like I probably would. I'd probably just be frozen. Yeah, I think fear would take over. I would just grip whatever was next to me and just like, whether it's your leg or your hand or whatever is right next to me. The problem is I would see it and go, what the fuck? You know how they catch me? I'd be fucking power vaping just trying to deal with my trauma. Just like, well, it smells like skunk in here.
00:53:27
Speaker
They just open the door and it's me just hitting my vape. I don't give a fuck about your earworms, dude. I just want to go home and have pizza. Please. Do you want this? Now I really want pizza. Donuts. Donut pizza. Donut pizza. I want donuts. So they escape and then Casey brings back his dad, Frank, played by Christopher McConnel. Shoot him, McConnel.
00:53:50
Speaker
Oh, and his mom who's somebody nobody you know that he's got any cops. Chris O'Donnell's got to be Chris McDonald McDonald. Sorry, this so act is not a cardboard cut out of a person. This is Chris McDonald. He's got to be disappointed with the son Elijah Wood. He's got a class ring on from this school.
00:54:08
Speaker
So he's like an athlete because he's even like when the coach jokingly says like your son's real fast. You hear that? There's hope for you yet. You're fucking fast, son. He's got to be so mad that his son is a nerdy photographer. for Intellect. Yeah, what a fucking nerd. He's not going to live in the same town he grew up in and not be successful. How is he supposed to get a job at the sawmill if he doesn't play football now?
00:54:30
Speaker
Not to talk shit about sawmills, that's a movie trope. It is. If you were going to sawmill, good for you, man. It probably smells great in there. I would bring home sawdust in my pocket every day. Smells like whiskey and sweat. I mean, yeah, you would, because it's everywhere. It's in your hair. I'd leave it. I'd have a fucking sawdust covered floor in my house. You don't even smell the wood, though. You wouldn't even intentionally be doing it. So am I home? Whiskey, sweat, cigarettes. I'm in my dad's house.
00:54:54
Speaker
But Chris McDonald also has been on the show before. Yeah. In Dutch, Dutch and people might know him. People might know him from Happy Gilmore, Schooner McGavin. You might know him because he eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast. You eat shit for breakfast? I know.
Humorous Film Comparisons
00:55:10
Speaker
He's also in Quiz Show, which is a cool movie and he's in Requiem for a Dream. He's got to leave that one alone. He's the game show host. You got to leave that one alone. We've got a winner.
00:55:20
Speaker
We've got a winner. You're not going to sell us to on that. Not these guys. It's such when I saw it. The mom is freaking out and watching that and it's like becoming real. It's one of the most terrifying scenes of the entire. I saw it. And you know what I love about that movie? The fact that it actually shows what yeah it shows like it doesn't glamorize drugs by any means. No, this movie is not saying because like Trainspotting does its parts to not glamorize it. But some of it looks fun. This is what you get to hang out with Ewan McGregor and fucking Johnny lee miller Yeah, yeah, it's kind of fun. This is top to bottom terrible. Jared Leto and drugs and me, no. Thank you, no. Yeah, if you do heroin in the US, you get to hang out with Jared Leto and and Marlon Wayans. Keith David is in a terrifying role in that movie where I'm not happy about him. But I do also recommend watching that movie once.
00:56:08
Speaker
A year. If you ever think about doing meth or heroin, watch this movie. Don't listen to Derek and watch it once a year. That's something psychopaths with nerd-ass podcasts. When was the last time you actually watched it? Last year. Earlier this year when I got the 4K. God! Well, at one of our bars, one of the bartenders had it playing on the... Yeah, I was there. Your husband walked in. What were you guys watching on the other screen? Oh, no, I don't remember that. I don't remember what we were watching, but I do know for a fact. We walked in and Derek looked like two seconds, like, went for a dream.
00:56:38
Speaker
It shouldn't be that quick to recognize any movie that's not Star Wars. I just remember there was something silly playing on one screen and everybody at the bar was watching that and on the big projector was working for a dream. And my back is to everyone else. And I'm just like, well, you guys, it's that part. You guys, it's that part. Jack's like, shut the fuck up. It's the equivalent of us watching like an Ernest goes to fucking Auschwitz. I wasn't the builder lady.
00:57:04
Speaker
but Oh, no, I can't watch her. She makes me feel terrible in my life. She builds houses from scratch in the jungle by herself and I'm having my fourth gen trying to figure out how to stand up and go to the bathroom without pissing myself. But the his cop the cop comes in with the parents, looks around in the closet, they find a resuscitation Annie doll. they're like He's like, you called the police for a fucking doll. I got fucking innocent people to shoot motherfucker. You know, he practiced that line so many times. I'm sure he did. This is an actor that's been in a bunch of stuff. But like one episode? Or one line in a movie. Like he's he's trying and there's not just not anything there America loves. But yeah, so I think he just at home. Oh, you called 911. You called 911. You called 911 for a resuscitation. You called 911. That's it. That's the one. You called 911 for resuscitation.
00:57:53
Speaker
And that it's funny because it's not funny. It's stupid. I mean, it's funny until you realize that I read this in the IMDB trivia also, that when they're leaving, Robert Patrick looks at Chris McDonald and he goes, he does little shooter gun hands. And in the IMDB trivia, it's like he and and in this movie, Robert Patrick does finger guns to Chris McDonald and and he's known for Happy Gilmore. And I was like, I was alone doing research. And I'm just like, no.
00:58:22
Speaker
Somebody take this man's keyboard away.
00:58:26
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's not trivia. It's something else. It's words on the internet. I mean, this movie is riddled with references. So many eggs. and Well, even besides eggs, just open references to things that are happening. This movie exists in the universe. um Will Smith exist in their universe? Yeah, because they bring up men in black. independence and Independence Day. I'm shocked we didn't get a fresh Prince of Bel Air.
00:58:50
Speaker
shocked and they also talk about invasion of the body snatchers of course um that donald sudlin the 70s one is yeah oh is it earlier one i don't know there's a 50s one which is one of my favorite it's it's my favorite um science fiction movie i think we've talked about okay never seen that one that's my favorite science fiction movie of that era i had never seen this 1978 one until recently it just kind of But for whatever reason, I asked still prefer the fifties. Not once I watched that one. OK. Donald Sutherland, chef's kiss. i mean i'm um I'm glad that I'm on that boat. I'm like, but just ah that fifties one is my favorite of like the black and white, like early era science fiction. It came from space. And the invasion of the body spashers, smashers, snatchers might now be my favorite science fiction movie of the 70s if Alien didn't come out in 1979. It's real close. Got it in just in time, too. It's real close. It was supposed to be released in the 80s, and Ridley Scott was like, no, no, no. I need Derek's vote. I'm not 100% sure about which one's my favorite, though. OK. Depends on which one you just watched. Yeah. I get that. i'm like Pretty much. I'm like that with Back to the Futures, man.
00:59:56
Speaker
Elijah Wood and Chris McDonald go back to their humble abode and he's getting grounded. Where are the drugs? Yeah. They're looking for drugs. No phone, no Internet. And at first I thought he just unplugged it. And I'm like, this kid's just going to plug it back in. But then you see him pull the whole modem out, which is nice. em modem No more. a But my favorite thing is the mom. Like there's porno underneath the mattress. right now And he's like, no more flogging the bishop.
01:00:20
Speaker
but Also, he looked at like it's pretty good One of them was just called boob. I'm gonna borrow this one called boob. Yeah, not boobs Yeah, you i think it's just called boob. I bet you boobs already existed And they're like well, we can't fucking get sued by a porn company. Well, why didn't oh, no, it's a different movie I was like, why didn't Chris McDonald just call Adam Saylor and ask for those prop ones, but that was oh Yeah. That's Billy Madison, Billy Madison, not happy Gilmore. So yeah drunk chicks. What is it? Women over 90 or 90 showing those gross, nasty bunion feet with parts of their scalps missing. ah
01:00:59
Speaker
So, Elijah Wood tries to sneak out. He's like, I'm never going back to that school, which is what I had literally just got done saying to you guys. Yeah. Oh, I agreed too. I was like, well, i' um i'm going to a I'm checking myself into a mental situation. Well, even not even that. like The next day, they're like, go to school. You're like, okay, bye. I'm leaving for school. And then you just go anywhere that's not school. You run to Texas. Because he knows something's up. He's the only one at this point that knows something's up. Here's what you fucking do. You run to New Mexico or Arizona or any other state with a meth problem.
01:01:26
Speaker
because these things get fucking dried out by what was it? Diaphane, di diuretics. So caffeine if caffeine fucking dries them up, what the hell do you think meth is going to do? Try and take over some tweaker's body. at al Grant now we're not. Josh Hartnett is making his little fake drug scat scat. Skippy back with ah with no does. And the one girl says they're caffeine pills. I'm like, well, isn't no does like over the counter meth?
01:01:53
Speaker
Yeah, it was caffeine, though. Used to have other stuff besides caffeine. Oh, OK. Like, not maybe not amphetamines, but a derivative of. But either way, he's basically making caffeine meth. Yeah. Yeah. And it's all laboratory. It's easier to snort that way. He's making focaine. Oh, yeah. Well, he's got the pills, but he's also got a whole science lab. So and he's doing some shit from school. Yeah, I prefer to think of it as stealing. I love that. Anyway, it's a good reversal because, yeah, well, you're borrowing. I prefer to think of it as stealing. It normally would be the way around. Yeah, I like that. detail He's like, I'm not a hero. I'm going to make drugs, dude. I sell porn with Neve Campbell, who's ever done porn. He just put like a a fucking South Park type of face over. Yeah, he's very early deep fakes, like when people were trying to find pictures of Jillian Anderson's boobs on the Internet.
01:02:43
Speaker
I got a picture of Judge Judy that'll blow your mind. Does it? It'll also blow my sack. It looks really not real because it's basically the Photoshop is good, but it's still Judge Judy's face on like a 30 year old body. It's like, you know what she looks like under those robes. Those wrinkles just blend so well. Yeah, a the
90s Trends and Family Dynamics
01:03:03
Speaker
robes keep everything like moisturized, like the sweat doesn't escape. So the wrinkles are on the face, but underneath, she looks like she's 40 years younger. Keeps a toit. Who was the redheaded one on? Jillian Anderson. Oh, yeah. Oh, she had the greatest fakes. They were all over because the early Internet. You said Jillian Anderson. I thought of X-Files.
01:03:22
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I thought that's what you're talking about. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm talking about the right from fucking people's court. Oh, I don't know. The Hispanic? No, redhead, mag ah redhead Mexican. A redheaded white girl. Someone listening is screaming. Judge, Judge Lane, something Lane. Judge Reinhold. Judge Reinhold. Nude to Judge Reinhold. Find him, send him.
01:03:43
Speaker
Judge Gary Busey. Oh God. hey just Want to take a look at my penis? It's like a worm. You said you you lot your wife killed your worm. Look at this one. and But so Elijah will sneak out of the house. The teachers are waiting outside, which is just terrifying. Not if they're infected by aliens, but if I looked out my window, fighting I look out my window, the the the music teacher, like the what what history teacher and the I guess the principal or the coach are all just standing outside the house. like yeah The principal is still dead at this point.
01:04:12
Speaker
Yeah, we haven't seen her yet. Yeah, because I mean, we um as an audience. Oh, no, we did because they when they ran out of the. Oh, that's right. Faculty office. It was before that because she was missing for a bit. Yeah, you're right. And then she's like, oh, now she's got the glow up because everybody gets possessed, gets a glow up. And she's like, oh, now we can get to the pretty bottom of this. I'd like to get the bottom of her. That is something they say.
01:04:34
Speaker
like you look very pretty. Yeah. Well, even even Mrs. Olsen, Piper Lori, who's much older at this point, she comes in with a glow up to us. Everyone's drinking water. Lots and lots of water. They're very hydrated. Nineteen nineties. We barely learn about hydration. Now everyone in the twenty twenty fours has got water bottles, jugs, hydroflats. We know. I mean, that's also because here's recording has one enhanced. Well, we also live in Tucson and it's It's nine o'clock, and it's 104. No, i don I don't know what what temperature it is now, but it was 109 earlier. I mean, the nights are actually pretty nice now but because we are in- It was still hot. I opened the door to let candy out before we started recording. It was like gust of warm air. Oh, come on. It's 8.42, and it's 93 out.
01:05:17
Speaker
in the whole end of September. Point not proven. Fall is coming indeed. Fall is here. Winter is not coming. That's the two Arizona slogan. Unless you're in Flagstaff. So then we have Delilah and Stokes are both like, well, Delilah saw the crazy shit happen. Yeah. But now Stokes knows something is up, too, because she's watching everybody. She's just watching people and she's like, everybody's being fucking weird. Yeah. Now the teachers are doing shit like ah Uh, Daniel von Bergen is telling all the kids in class like, oh, today for history class, we're writing a family tree of your immediate family. Like, who do we need to affect? Uh-huh. Or how many? I'm not going to bother infecting Whitney if you have two people living in your house and everybody else in your family is dead. Or I'm going to infect Derek because you live with five people. And you got that backwards. And you have 30 cousins that come over all the fucking time. Yeah.
01:06:12
Speaker
I mean, it's kind of a weird thing. And it's Ohio, so you're banging those cousins. You don't need that. So you're easily going to infect them all. Is there a shortage of worms? Can't you just infect everybody as long as you're drinking water? By the way, guys, I'm allowed to talk shit about Ohio, because my family's from there. Oh, I am too, because I'm not from there.
01:06:29
Speaker
So they break in her, Mary Beth and Zeke break into the storage room. That's where he's borrowing slash stealing things. And then he gives her the worst kiss. it is But this this lead up to it where he's just like, if somebody comes in, just grab out and make out with me. So. And then his. Pretend we were making out. Pretend we were making out. And he was like, OK, OK, yeah OK. So it's a bad kiss.
01:06:49
Speaker
I got a movie reason for it. I got a movie reason that proves yours wrong. She doesn't want to do a real kiss at this point because she's not trying to infect him yet because there's people all around, uninfected people. So he goes in to kiss her and she kind of pulls back. So it's only a half kiss. I don't think she knows what kissing is as an alien. Yeah. She's like, why is he putting his mouth towards mine? I'm from the south. Usually it's some fucking mouth to butt. I don't know what she did. He's trying to say hello like my dad. He says hello to me.
01:07:18
Speaker
That's true. My daddy says hello mouth to mouth. She is from Georgia. That is not a high school thing. Atlanta. Which is in Georgia. My God. You don't even know where I'm from. Shit, I'm gonna affect you. I'm gonna affect you and make you read a fucking geography map. I failed geography.
01:07:34
Speaker
yeah But she's telling him, like, oh, I couldn't do your crazy fake drug that you make in your basement. I'm allergic to aspirin. Yeah, exactly. Both of you are doing it so well. I'm allergic to aspirin. Way better. ah This is where we find out even the students are getting infected, because Danny Masterson and the guy from Dazed and Confused are asking for more drugs.
01:07:55
Speaker
There's some heavy shit going down, I can't cope. ah What do you have on you? Cool, do you have any more at your house, in your trunk, anywhere, anywhere? And so even if he doesn't know they're infected, which he doesn't yet, when you're a drug dealer and someone who buys drugs from you, who just bought drugs from you this morning and is now buying more drugs from you. What are you, fuck a fucking rat? It goes, do you have more on you? Do you have more in your car? You're like, oh, this motherfucker's going to rob me. Maybe you don't have what I need and you're connect. Can you introduce me to connect so I can buy from them?
01:08:23
Speaker
I need more weight. You get fucking fed behind you, don't you? You got a wire on you, bitch. I need i need to sure and need at least two pounds to make it federal. yeah I don't know how much do you have on you. One point eight. I'm going to need two pounds. Well, yeah, so c specific numbers. We're starting to see now like all the students are infected because they're he's walking through and everybody's just staring at him weird. It happens again later. too They tempted the whole the whole fucking school was getting an exam from Selma Hayek. So they lined up in droves.
01:08:52
Speaker
Yeah. You all have to get a physical. Oh man. From the nurse. Okay. Oh, oh, wait, like a full physical. like Are we turning and coughing or strange things are happening? Oh yeah. Like what? Yeah. Everyone's like acting weird. That is weird. Well, what's happening? Some heist giving him an exams. Oh, uh, where's the line for that?
01:09:10
Speaker
You did like a number, a lottery. Do I have to pay them?
01:09:17
Speaker
The sign up sheet. This is when Pamkey Janssen shows up and now she's hot. Oh, hard quotes. Now she's hot. Now she's hot. Took off the glasses and fucking smoke show. ah and She's wearing the dress from Deep Rising. Oh my God. Yeah. The Jessica Rabbit fucking Deep Rising. I think she brought it with her.
01:09:36
Speaker
Probably. What year was that one? Same year, I believe, 98, 97 maybe. You Deep Rising asked her to wear it. Deep Rising was like, did you have a you have you've a smoking hot dress? We don't have a bit of a budget. They had a $50 million dollars budget. We have a shoes... A budget of that's like $1.5 million. Right. It's ah it's a BYOD, bring your own dress. Deep Rising was the same year. Yeah. So she wore it offset. She left set. Deep rising cost three times as much to make as this okay so she left she racing forty rising with 45 million dollars fuck yeah I know you told me that we fucking did the episode But holy shit movie made five million dollars less than that movie cost this movie looks so much better than deep rising I'll tell you what the treat Williams. I don't know where I'm putting in this movie
01:10:22
Speaker
Can't be the coach. He's too lovable. He's not big John Stewart. He could be John Stewart John Stewart's like the he's a science teacher that everybody loves there But I don't want to take away John Stewart someone I like make up a role You know what I mean? He was in home ec. He could be Chris McDonald. um Oh, yeah i Yeah. Oh, yeah. i mean I guess. Well, no, I have seen him be an asshole, dad. It was in a movie I watched in research for Trick or Treat Williams. That was like a shot on DV fucking TV movie that way you kind of watched it. No, she wasn't there. I watched it by myself.
01:10:55
Speaker
better if i if my way is better. But this is when she. So she had earlier talked to Josh Hartnett and he was like, she's trying to tell him, like, don't do your business here. And he's like, listen, bitch, I do what I want. Fuck you. And like drives off and she's real quiet and mousy. Here she comes up to him and she's like, fuck you, eat my asshole kind of shit. Yeah, this is where we get Jack's fucking.
01:11:15
Speaker
grab the skull and like, she literally shall eat me. I'm like, okay, where's that sign up sheet? Are you using the same sign up sheets for the Selma hike? Your exam? Like if you just have the same piece of paper, I wrote my name down again. This school has way too hot of teachers. Yeah. She says, eat me you asshole. And I was like, she said, eat my asshole. Yeah. Either way, either way you're going to eat you, eat you out. Well, I'm mean to you.
01:11:36
Speaker
and she she calls him she gives him shit for his mom because he mentions his parents are always gone she gives him shit that his mom is always out of town and she's like and he's like doing the bring it on thing cause she's like she's like where's your mom now and he's like oh yeah I've heard it
Alien Confrontations and Strategies
01:11:50
Speaker
all come on bitch let's do this why do you think I sell drugs out of my trunk and but she's told calls him like a Sick, drug induced excuse for a human being. Which is a nice thing for a teacher to say. If you haven't had somebody call you that, you ain't living. And then he kind of starts getting a little hurt right here. Yeah, because she's your makes mirror your your mistake or something like that. Like something triggered him big. Yeah. Yeah.
01:12:13
Speaker
Yeah, she calls them like a drug addled mistake or something like that. Like, yeah, that doesn't trigger him, though. Yeah, I think it's his motor running. So now we've got like a Scooby gang going. We've got Delilah. Delilah. She can't find her glasses. Delilah Stokely Casey and they bring in Sam and they tell him what's going on. And he's like, no, that's not real until they get attacked by Jon Stewart. And he's like, Jon Stewart's violent. Holy shit. This is real. He must be infected. It is. This is still.
01:12:42
Speaker
it's okay, but some of it looks bad. Like whent when he gets his fingers lopped off and they're squirming away. Yeah. That's very 98 CG. Yeah. But this is, this is really cool. Other than that, because this, like Zeke and Mary Beth come in, they're making fun of it at first. Jon Stewart comes in.
01:12:58
Speaker
And they're like, this guy thinks you're an alien. And he's like, oh, really? Closes the blinds. Nothing good happens after that. That's not good. Nope. But fucking ah Josh Hartnett just standing on the paper cutter, like putting his foot on there and pulling off the blade. Slow mo. I don't know if I've seen this. Give me your pants, Whitney. I don't know if I've seen this in another movie or if I remember it from this movie, but it's something that I've seen in my mom. I feel like this did it first. We have to have seen somebody else do this, right? Yeah, I know I've seen this happen, but i he pulled that thing off. Who did it in something?
01:13:27
Speaker
And I was just like, I mean, and later another cool move when, uh, uh, Oh, Stan, Stan throws it to him. It's, it's an unnecessarily bad-ass move. And I know it's very necessary and I love it. and he catches in mida It's like, Ooh. Oh. And it's funny because like, I guess I probably hadn't seen this movie when I was, by the time I was in high school, because I started high school in 2000, but like,
01:13:51
Speaker
I always thought when we had the paper cutters and I was doing stuff, I was like, you could pull that thing off and chop someone. Make a great song. I wish my teachers were aliens. I'm trying to shit out of them. I never wanted to kill my teachers. Just legal, legal production blanket. This is a comedy podcast.
01:14:08
Speaker
satire parody. Um, but yeah, so basically there's a Scooby gang. Is that like Katy Perry's sister? Yeah. She came in like a paper cutter. No, that's a different, that's not Katy Perry. Whatever. It's one of those singers. She's got the, she's got the thighs of a liger.
01:14:26
Speaker
What's the what's the Katy Perry song that's in the interview? Oh, Firework. That's the one I was thinking. Oh, yeah. Oh, do you know what? I'm going to just say it now. That's a banger track that gets you going. If you can't get hyped up for that. Well, like the interview is not a very good movie, but the fact that they use that scene, that song in the scene where first they use it in the scene where James Franco and Kim Jong Un are driving a tank and having fun.
01:14:51
Speaker
and then they use it when Kim Jong Un's face gets melted in an exploding helicopter. Yeah. That makes the movie. Like I saw those scenes and I was like, I love this movie. There is a 90 thousand percent chance I listen to that song on the way home.
01:15:05
Speaker
But, yeah, so they they end up so Josh Hartnett stabs John Stewart in the eye with the cocaine with the yeah the fake. Did we mention that that the scat is sold in fake ballpoint pens? Oh, yeah, he's got pens. Well, no, but they're and there the guts are. And that was one of those things. So I again, I didn't remember everything from this movie. And when we first are introduced to Josh Hartnett, he's getting in his trunk, he's grabbing his backpack is up and stuff. He takes out like 14 ballpoint pens and throws them in his pocket. And I was like, well, he's awfully prepared. ah Was he that guy in class? Everybody's like, I forgot. My pen. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. who be You get a pen. You get a pen. It's 10 bucks a pen, people. Why is everybody spending so much money on pens? but Everyone's really alert in class. and I'd be lying if ah and because of this movie, if I said I didn't store cocaine and in this in this vessel at one point. It just seemed cool.
01:15:54
Speaker
Did it work? Oh, it worked. Fuck. Yeah. That is so much cocaine. Make sure you don't get one of those ballpoint pen caps that has a hole in it. Yeah. Yeah. and Don't don't do what these guys are doing and snort the entire pen. Oh, God. I can't wait to get there.
01:16:09
Speaker
I have this packet of 25 big pens. Why? You'll see. You'll see. I need I need a big pen every 25 minutes. It's weird. I don't know. I spend fucking $30,000 a year on big pens. But so basically, Jon Stewart, like Odies, they find out it's a diuretic, but he's seizureing and foams coming out of his eye and all this shit. Yeah.
01:16:30
Speaker
They go back to real quick. Good effects. Yeah. Even the even the pen and the eye. was Yeah. i would yeah yeah i The ah prosthetic on his face. Yeah. Everything here that's that's the practical parts are good. Yeah. The CG is good, too. Sorry. Most of the CG is pretty good for 1998. Yeah. For the budget. It's not a complaining, but it wasn't just the just the fingers crawling when they chop off when Josh Hartnett chops off his fingers. And there's one other moment.
01:16:57
Speaker
Yeah, coming up later, I can't remember what it is, but it's two moments that are really kind of ick and the rest are, hey, that's 98 and it looks good. But here's the thing. I'm not mad at watching it. In 1998, no one cared. It looked fine. Uh huh. But how often in this podcast, especially do we complain about early CG? Yeah. And how it's like, man, that would look so much better practical. A lot of the shit they're doing could not have looked practical. Famkey Janssen's head. That's the other one. Yeah. Yeah, that's rough.
01:17:23
Speaker
We saw John Carpenter do it 25 years or well, I guess it was 17 years earlier. Like, just do it again. Yeah, but. You've already doing, you're already doing the CG. Yeah. What else can we do? CG. Yeah. Uh, but so they go back to Josh Hartnett's drug lab and sorry, which basement for some reason, he has it in like a shack outside. Oh, but like like a garage, but like why his parents don't live there. Just have it in the house. Number one, dude, you don't put a meth lab in your house. You put a meth lab next or under or on top of your house. oh You put it under your house. That's how you lose your house.
01:17:56
Speaker
work fine gold. See, I i so i ah vaguely, i i I could have made this up, but I remember his mom, like his mom was actually really sick and that's why he was never in the house. Oh, you made that up because it's not in this movie. Well, now no what about a TBS? We added some time for commercial stuff. we We talked about before TBS will do that. There's shows like I remember this part or I don't remember this part but he does tell Mary Beth who says her parents are dead He's like so are mine. Well, they're both their hearts are beating but for all ah intents and purposes They're dead. So yeah, and his mom's inside and in fucking an iron lung. Okay in a coma. I love the bonanza or Whatever it was. He talks about in the bus. I can't think Brandon Brandon cuz I always that's how I call our friend Brandon Brandon
01:18:44
Speaker
Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. That's happens when you find a stranger in the Alps. But so he infects he infects his pet rat, who I'm assuming is there to test drugs on. has what yeah Dude, you know what? He's got the rat in the lab. What else? He's like, look, is this a good match? He gives something to the rat. The rat bounces around the cage. He's like, perfect. I'm going to put myself in this rat's point of view. Or was it a mouse or a rat?
01:19:07
Speaker
It's like elaborate. This is sur mouthuse the mouse. It's white. Anyway, I'm going to put myself in this person's place. If you're going to test it on me, I'd rather be this drugs than spraying like hairspray in my eyes. Yeah. So I mean, at least I'm getting, you know what? They're all about to do drugs. They look like they're having a great time. Yeah.
01:19:23
Speaker
Yeah, I kinda wanted some scat, guys. There's another reason this movie couldn't be made now, besides the fact that there's a gun in the school later. Yeah. They're just showing kids doing drugs and they're like, this saved their lives. You know what else I missed? This is this is one of the last movies that you'll see this in, High School Kids Smoking. Yep. Oh yeah. It's kind of just obliterated by the mid-thousands, right? The mid-twenties? Yeah.
01:19:44
Speaker
I mean, if you watch a movie nowadays, they might be bad maybe vaping like a fucking loser. I mean, we got Josh Hardin that dude smoking any time you fucking poser. We got him just fucking ripping darts playing football with a cigarette in his mouth. Yeah. Who's you think he is? The kicker from the replacements? Yep. And why are we? But but this is where they find out the drugs are diuretic or he tells them the drugs diuretic. The mouse is infected.
01:20:08
Speaker
He kills it by breaking his sad little mouse neck. And then he like pours the he pours water on the or he pours drugs on the the goopy thing he takes out of the larva. Yeah, because it's a clear version of the worm we've seen the weird penis and it shrivels up. So he's like, this is bad for them, by the way, which we had to learn by the doing it with on the mouse. We didn't learn it from stabbing Jon Stewart in the eye and watching him phone to death proof. Any proof of concept? Yeah, you have to you have test and test.
01:20:36
Speaker
But I do sexy glasses. We definitely didn't talk about that. Josh Hartnett has been Zeke has been intelligent this entire movie. Oh, yeah. Proving he didn't need to repeat his high school and even fucking Famicac Jensen says that he's doing it because it's a market. Yeah. And, you know, he's got it. But.
01:20:54
Speaker
Every class he's in, he's very intelligent. And then now we really know it because he puts glasses on. Yeah, exactly. Finally, he puts glasses on to look into a microscope because I guess it makes it easier. It doesn't just it was kind of jarring to see in his glasses. It's been smart. This whole movie also looks like he took these glasses from his grandma. I loved them. They look like cat eye glasses. They are not framed for his face. I liked him. You can like him, but you're liking what's under him and ignoring the glasses. The glasses aren't adding to it. No, they added to it. There are so many other things that would make him look good. Dude, if he put on the fucking Wild Thing glasses from Major League, smoke show, instant boner. Yeah, but I guess maybe not in the late 90s. Heart net! You make my heart sing! You make amphetamines groovy!
01:21:50
Speaker
I was gonna say, Hartnite, you make my pussy wet. wow Well, I don't have that, so I can't sing about that. You make her pussy wet. I've never been a wop. What ass pussy? Not Italian. Not without papers. Which is what that stands for in the Italian one. Oh, is it? that was like I've never fucking knew the etymology of that. Without papers. Wow. yeah We really are terrible. ah as ah As like a country? No, as humans. Because it's not exclusive to America. We just do it better. We're better at being pieces of shit. Everything's bigger in America. Yep.
01:22:25
Speaker
ah But this is where they come up with the concept like if you kill the Queen you'll kill the aliens because Stokely reads sci-fi She was reading reading Robert Heinlein earlier and they're like so if we kill it where everybody else died And she's like no they'll go back to normal You know that you know that for sure, though. No, it's a hypothesis. That's what happens in ah the erratically. She does actually say theoretically, which is great. Well, because Delilah was like, because she says some shit and Delilah is like, well, theoretically. And then she says that and she's like, but that's theoretical looks at her. And we don't know that this point Delilah is infected. y'all Yes, Delilah. They have to do this. I have to but where it's a reference.
01:23:02
Speaker
Oh, it's from a radio show in Tucson. I just know the plain white T song. Hey there, Delilah. what's it I know Delilah, the name from that bitch that cut Samson's hair and took away his power. The Bible, Samson Delilah. I didn't read the Bible. You're so lucky. I was not in a Catholic school. You're so lucky. I didn't read the Bible. I had an old man read it to me every week.
01:23:28
Speaker
Although I expect... I just wish he would go in order. He just jumped around and didn't made the story didn't make any sense. I do think that people should read the Bible, especially if you're into fiction. It's a really great story. They got this guy that heals himself. Takes three days to heal himself, but he always comes back. I like the original, but the sequel was just boring. Oh, yeah. Passion of the Christ, Passionr.
01:23:52
Speaker
That's happening, right? They're doing passion with the Christ too. Jesus me. So they have to do the scene from the thing with the blood test, except for instead of heating up a piece of wire and stabbing it into a sample of everybody's blood, everybody's going to snort apparently an entire pen full of fake drugs. So that was the thing that I was saying watching it. They handed it to Elijah Wood and he just like, oh, dude, no, no, no, don't do the whole pen. Jesus Christ, that was enough for all of us. Oh, man, you're gonna be so fucked. He's so fucked, guys. I just took a bump and he just took a pin. And Elijah Wood is so fucking funny in this scene, just giggling while all this serious shit's going on. And then and then what stand does it? Yeah, because they're showing like a really serious dramatic scene happening with like I think it was I think it's when Josh Hartnett pulled the gun on him and he's still all.
01:24:41
Speaker
Well, I think it's when Josh Hartnett is talking to Delilah and Sophie, or Delilah and Mary Beth, trying to get them to do it. And he's just sitting there back there giggling. And he's like, it's a showdown? Showdown. Doing his best, Steve Zahn. This one night, we stayed up all night doing meth out of a fucking fake pen. And I went.
01:25:01
Speaker
I said showdown. But I love when Zeke gives it to to Elijah Wood here at the beginning. And he's like, you first. He's like, why me? And he's like, it's your birthright. Yeah. It's your birth. I don't fucking argue. shut It means doesn't matter. You can't argue. Shut up and take these drugs. But we do find out birthright. It's Mary Beth and Delilah. And he's like, look, both of you do it at the same time. So Mary Beth definitely does the entire pen.
01:25:24
Speaker
Uh-huh. Well, you see it. Yeah. She tips her head back and it's empty. It's all gone. And then Delilah does it, and she's freaking out, and she turns her face, and it's crawling with shit, but I'm like... And then she's like, what's happening to me? But I was thinking, I'm like, well, everybody else has done a full pen of this drug with this point. Are they looking at her going, you're an alien? Are they looking at her going, is she an alien? Or how high am I? I'm seeing worms on her face. I'm seeing worms on your face. You know what? I think Josh Hartnett is the deciding factor. Yeah. Because he's done this drug.
01:25:52
Speaker
Oh, yeah, dude, he has zero reaction to this. No, he even says I don't get high on my own supply. But he had to try to make sure it worked. No, that's what the mouth is for. That means he can't get high on his own supply. I've been getting high on my own supply for so long. I have a tolerance to my own supply. It's funny, though, because when he's talking to them trying to be serious, he does start breaking down, though. He gets high because he's like, he's like, no, no, we have to do this and none of that. He's being real serious. Then he's just like. Which is perfect because, yeah, you have a tolerance, but you're still fucked up. Yeah.
01:26:22
Speaker
It happens. But Delilah, they try to shoot her. She gets out. She jumps into a student driver car. It looks like Daniel von Bergen is driving Virgin, whatever it is. It looks like he's driving. Even though I've seen this movie when it first pulled up, I'm like, did they order pizza? Yeah, I don't get what's happening. Well, it's got the little thing on top. It looks like a pizza delivery. Also, we've talked about pizza before. I'm hungry. I'm very hungry. It's time for pizza. It's because of pizza. I thought really hard and it didn't happen. I was thinking wings. Pizza wings. Oh, man. Wings pizza?
01:26:51
Speaker
Oh my God, it's Wednesday, isn't it? Wing sized pizza or pizza sized? No, like you get a pizza, you shred up the wings with the sauce and everything, put it on the pizza. I'm out because someone's going to put ranch on it. No, no, no. The sauce can also be wing sauce. I'm in. So pizza crust, wing sauce, cheese, chicken meat. Cyber ranch for you guys to dip it into. Got it. Yep.
01:27:11
Speaker
Well, now we need wings. Wrap it up. Oh, and I guess to balance it out, because you need multiple toppings, you chop up carrots real small and sprinkle it on them. That's like, that's your green peppers for this pizza. Yeah. A little fucking celery. I'm down. Shame the celery. All right, so when we go over here, are we going to ask them if they can make us a wings pizza? Yeah. OK. I'll get them all really high first.
01:27:31
Speaker
But hey, i before I ask this question, take this pen. So they go there's a football game going on at the school. It's a big deal. It's the only team that can beat them or something. Only team in the county that can even stand up to them. So it's a hometown rivalry. And these these guys are ASU colors.
01:27:46
Speaker
Yeah. And so, I mean, you have ASU is these I think one of the oldest college rivalries is is wild because it's not one of the oldest states. And we didn't mention because speaking of the rivalry and whatnot, I just want to say it because it's it's what showed I talked about how the the personalities of the teachers change. And we didn't talk about when Stan quits and he tells Robert Patrick. Oh, yeah. Oh, just comment. Well, you got you got to do what you got to do, man.
01:28:12
Speaker
my top quarterback, my number one player. He's quitting the day before we face our biggest rival. But hey, obviously you're having some kind of awakening. No big deal, man. You're very clearly going through this. It'd be very unhuman of me to not, or was he says to stand against the human condition. And at the end he's like, what kind of a human being would that make? yeah And you're Putting on pretty thick there fucking coach come on CP But so this is when we get the the fucking another brick-on-the-wall cover which I mean as a Pink Floyd fan Nothing's gonna stand up to the original, but this song is good. pretty You know Wayne Staley doesn't sound like he should I think this is probably pretty close to his death I died about good four years after this movie came out. Oh, so it was in the 2000 2002. Okay. Yeah, he died no, too.
01:28:55
Speaker
But like it doesn't it's it doesn't have that full Allison chains. Like what's the one with the jar of flies? But you never know what you're going to get from someone like that in the studio. Yeah. update With day to day. But also, I mean, but it's funny because I was like, oh, guys, it's like a little super group. And Jack immediately was like, Tamarillo. You could hear it, dude, that wall watching a while while I was all over the fucking thing. But so the footballs games go footballs games, the footballs games is going to ball game is happening and they're tackling these boys and they're putting fucking worms in their ears. and Yeah. And and and then they are clothesline them. they Yeah. Yeah. They're just like fucking brutal. 15 yards worm in the opposing quarterback's ear. Personal foul. Another 15 yards for clothes lining. Vince McMahon just said that's not allowed. I really hate to do this, but we did not talk about in the very, very, very, very beginning. What you got.
01:29:49
Speaker
Patrick running down the hallway blowing a whistle Oh doing his fucking t2000 Okay, the t2000 with a whistle is terrified When he's chasing Lilith, yeah he yeahs running in the room and and the whistles just in his mouth as all running at i know he's blowing his own rape whistle i'm coming to get you here comes like that's what it's felt like a rape whistle is supposed to deter not announce jesus i but i just Don't apologize for that because that was and I even said it I was like I didn't like i'm I'm not scared of a lot of things and especially him all of a sudden I'm like, man, this is really uncomfortable he like as running at camera voting icon hang on Again a full-on t2000 run with a whistle like tiny gym swords all sudden there's more thought It's like that meme that I've seen going around that's like what if frogs ran instead of hopping and you just saw a frog running at you to you here pop pop pop pop pop Cool second fear unlocked today
01:30:49
Speaker
I just imagine their legs just being like windmables. But so during the game... One more step towards Frogg's playing soccer, which is gonna be called Frogger. Frogger. Frogger, that's a whole different thing. Frogger. Oh, okay. That's also a different thing. Frogger, barely knew her. Frogger brings out. Same joke, different thing. Yeah.
01:31:08
Speaker
I use that too often. So the Scooby gang is in like the gymnasium. Excuse me. It's a breakfast club. And the principal's in there and they think she's the queen. Yeah. Right. So they're trying to get her to do drugs and she's like, I'm not. Oh, is Jordana trash the fucking drugs when she left, like destroyed the entire supply? Yeah. So they have the the pens that he had left and then he has like a little hopper with a few a little bit more in it. if It's a fancy coffee grinder from the 1800s. But it just puts the a right amount in a pen. Yeah. Yeah. They attacked the principal and she won't do the drugs. So is it goth girl who just shoots this bitch in the. phone No, Josh Hartnett is Hartnett. It's it's goth girl that shoots fucking Jordana. it's Yeah. so Because she's like, everyone's like, I don't know. She's still kind of hot. And she's like, fuck this i'll fucking shooter. Yeah.
01:31:58
Speaker
But shoot her right in the fucking head and they're like, oh, it's Elijah Wood. It's like, I think we made a mistake because she's blood coming out. She's just bleeding out. dude And then she gets up and Mary Beth, not suspiciously at all, dumps the entire container, the entire hopper of fake drugs right into her face. I mean, so I'm trying to think back to the first time I watched it. I think it was a decent hide. I really, yeah I guess it's not bad. I really didn't remember. She looks panicked.
01:32:23
Speaker
She doesn't look like she's wasting it. Like, obviously we know, but it looks from the first viewing. I feel like it's just like, I want to make sure you're fucking dead shakes. I didn't remember her being like the well, I mean, she's the queen. I didn't remember that watching this time. I again, I remembered I liked it and I remember. Oh, OK. So why did you spoil it? I also watch a lot of fucking movies. So you're you knew that she was a fucking infected. Yeah, I could tell pretty early on. Yeah. OK. Yeah.
01:32:51
Speaker
Huh. Just her whole thing. I assume everybody from the South's infected with something. but it Spoken like somebody from Ohio. Hey, I'm from Arizona. My family is from Ohio. Same thing. I need you to write down their lineage, where they move. Are there any lesbians in there? I doubt it. Actually, I am 30% lesbian on mom's side, so.
01:33:13
Speaker
Just the way that she asked, because it's very early on, Jordana's like, oh, this lesbian. And she's like, no, she's not a lesbian. She's from Scotland. The way that she responded made it sound like- No, she's from Lesbonon. She didn't know that lesbian was a sexual preference. Correct. I'm an alien. Lesbian just sounds like some state. But so they have two doses of drugs left.
01:33:38
Speaker
Two pens, which looks a whole lot like more than two doses, but I'm just going to go with it. Elijah Wood said two doses. It's like it really works really well if you take the whole fucking pen, man. And now Stan and Stokely kiss because he's going to go out to check out the football game. Want to lose her nerve. This is a kiss. This lesbian actress pretending to be a straight actress, pretending to be a lesbian actress.
01:34:02
Speaker
Kiss is better than Josh fucking Hartnett and Canadian pretend to be. Josh was probably already with somebody, and that's why he had to do the little maybe. Maybe Derek's point is right. That is this actor, the character is like, well, I don't I can't kiss. I could be that. It could be like Josh Hartnett. I don't have like his whole before this. These two people, this is early for him. This is early for her. So maybe they're not great. Yeah. But these two people here, their crooked teeth are going to match up and lock and they're going to be stuck together. Mouth to mouth.
01:34:31
Speaker
like in the sweetest thing where his first dick gets stuck in her throat. Whoa. Yeah, I don't know what your wife's talking about. And I mean, is that with Cameron Diaz? Yeah. What's the Christian Applegate? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I don't know. yeah It came up on trivia. the The movie trivia we do. Otherwise, I would not know what you're referencing. Yeah. Oh, but so he goes out. He's like, I'm going to go check out the football team, see if they're infected. It's raining outside as he gets out there.
01:34:57
Speaker
They're just standing in a flying V. You don't need to get close to this football team to realize it. They're standing in a perfect flying V like the Mighty Ducks, first of all. And they're watering themselves. Yeah, they're just soaking in the rain. They all have tendrils coming out of their heads. I understand the tendrils are thin. No, just the coach is having the tendrils come out. No, no, you can see them coming out of the helmets. Yeah, they're coming out. You don't have to get Canadian when you say coach.
01:35:19
Speaker
You can see that. Oh, fuck. Yeah. You coach was all about that water coach. Only the coach had tendrils. A little buzzed. It's fine. It's just great to hear that come out. But yeah, you don't need to get close just by why are they standing out in that water? High school kids don't water themselves often. Oh, we didn't mention earlier house plans. Another jump back to the beginning ah when they're in the office after the cops come when they when ah Casey or it's after the shower thing.
01:35:47
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Casey and Stan are in the office and they're the teachers are talking to him who are all infected. And he's Casey being he has the camera and he's watching out the window and you just see Robert Patrick standing in the middle of the football field. He felt not just standing, but like intimidating like agent from the matrix stand and he found the point where the most sprinklers are going to hit him at once. Yeah. Like just taking it. And he's going about to take a picture. And it's because it's Miss Olson, the Twin Peaks, who's like infected. Hey, are you fucking listening to me? Yep. Gotcha. Quit looking at my friend over there, this beautiful short, short. He looks so pretty. So Stan comes back to the school, everybody else is inside, and he's like, God, let me in. Coach Patrick is chasing me. He's the queen. He's the queen. He got it. And they're like, how about you do drugs first so he can let you in? I lost it. He was too fast. Yeah, I lost it. Robert Patrick had a drag name if you terminate her.
01:36:41
Speaker
But yeah, anyway, I lost it. I lost it. So they slide him the last one under the door. He's like, OK. And he puts let me do it inside, though. Yeah. but No. But then he's like he puts it up to his nose and then just dumps it out and like cackles like a villain. and He's like, but Stokely, I love you. I am going to give this actor a good note because he he's looking down like he's going to do it. And he raises up like a Stephen King, like looking over like under just under your You're thinking of Jack Nicholson specifically. Yeah, the show but it's all, it's it's the Shannon, but yeah, just in general, he does that look through the brows, Jack does it best. That's for sure. But yeah, it's a good look, like yeah changing of the face kind of look. We talked about that in Acolyte, actors being able to change their face and really convey something. Or what else did we just watch where somebody did that? They like looked down and looked up. I don't remember. Yeah, it's very familiar to what you're saying, though. There's something we just watched where it was like they. switch Oh, it was Donnie Darko. Oh, Donnie Darko is put on a fucking school. Yeah. A young Jake Gyllenhaal. And I criticized that movie before I rewatched it. So I'll eat crow on that. Phenomenal movie. Yeah, he's put on a clinic of how to look kind of that young like, what are we doing here into? I'm going to stab this mirror. It's very good. Yeah.
01:37:57
Speaker
I love it. Why do you wear that stupid rabbit suit? Why do you wear that stupid man suit? Fucking mic drop. But so he takes it, dumps out the last one and they're like, well, fuck. And Josh Hartnett remembers, I might still have some in my car. would They asked you earlier if you had any more. They also drove the car to the school. You're not in the trunk. They're not. They're on the floor right there.
01:38:18
Speaker
Anyway next to a pack of camels, but you wouldn't get this crazy bus scene if they didn't do this true So him and Casey go out and they're sneaking out under the buses and Casey is like wait Do we need two of us to get to your car? He's like nope one of us is a fucking decoy and it's basically one of them decoy the other one has the keys to my car that I drive, and it's mine. That are in my hands. Look at the jingle jingle. It's a 1970 GTO, so I don't have a button. So you better start running. I got to go unlock that car. But we did set up that Elijah Wood is fast. He goes out, distracts the football team. He gets away from them. But he gets into one of the buses. Guess who's in this bus? Delilah gets on this bus. Look at all the people going by. I'm like, no, duck down. Duck, stay. Hi.
01:38:59
Speaker
Tuck and roll, bitch. Hold still. Quit looking outside. I think they could smell him. You think so? I don't know. You think underwater creatures can have a good sense of smell? Because she went in there. Well, I guess they are like, it's a queen hive thing. So I guess they're all connected because she's the one who found him. And then the football team came and surrounded the bus. OK. It is very hive mind. It is very hive mind. But yeah, Delilah's trying to convince him to like join there, come to the dark side, good, good, all that. Ooh.
01:39:27
Speaker
One of these football players straight up headbutts through the back window of this bus. Yeah, he does. And Elijah just ups through the chute on the top. We don't know about concussion protocols yet. And I'm just going to say like, I do. I do enjoy this movie, obviously. Yeah. But Elijah Wood opening that roof escape hatch and getting out, not happening. Five foot. Five foot, Elijah. Yeah, he's he's five foot tall. Maybe he's five foot wood. And this thing is tall enough that the seven foot kids can get on the bus. No, they still have to sludge. Yeah, sludge sludge. Yes, but he's not. I've been on many a school bus and I thought many a time I'm six foot two. I would have to actually like pull myself jump and pull myself up. He's on top of this bus and he has to move because they're going to stack up like fuck. I almost said nerve tremors. They're going to stop like a tremors fucking shriekers shriekers shriekers.
01:40:17
Speaker
They did look like nerds, though, so you're fine. I mean, they're nerds. They're nerds, they're cute little butts. You know who else is a nerd? Elijah Wood. He's a cute little butt. And he was running away from all these football players. My first thought was, man, Elijah Wood ain't getting away. And then I was like, oh, nope. They set it up earlier. And that's when I was telling you guys. And they're in cleats. Yeah. Cleats and pads. Yeah, but he trips and slides all the time. Just in a swim gym? No, when they were running out of the faculty office earlier, Delilah turned the corner and took off. Delilah, no way! And he just fucking... You pick yourself up. He tried to pull a Tom Cruise in Risky Business, but he fell. Just tick the zone record. That's where the record scratches. No, even Stan, when he's like, you know how we know he's really infected? He's got his jersey and his fucking pads on again. Yeah. Yeah, because Stan has somewhere in between these last 30 seconds put on all of his football equipment. Sure, they had it ready for him.
01:41:11
Speaker
Zeke gets to the GTO. Famke Janssen's there. He gets in to try to get away. He's like, I got something for you. Jumps in and tries to start it. This bitch just dives through the window. Much like a player. Just no helmet. Yeah.
01:41:26
Speaker
ah ah We saw this move earlier from some and he's driving around with her legs kicking out the window. It's kind of funny. He's fumbling to get his seatbelt on. First he's trying to get the drugs like, ah, I can't get that. So yeah, now we got the seatbelt. Yeah. And he puts the seatbelt on and crashes into one of these buses and there's a huge explosion. This is where we had to rewind it because Derek was typing and he missed the dummy launch.
01:41:49
Speaker
Yeah, when they hit this thing, because he gets a seatbelt on at the last second, a famke dummy goes flying out of the front of this thing on fire, on fire and bouncing. Well, she did play the dark Phoenix. She just played Jean Grey. I don't know if they ever did in the full dark Phoenix. Yeah, they did in the third one. yeah and i Yeah, I did see the third one. She goes full Phoenix, man. Yeah, she does. So, you know, she was practicing bouncing off the bus in the background. Yeah, you see what he was doing. He was on the run wide, honestly, for this group. But also, my thought was this is a 1970 GTO. He put a seatbelt on good for him. He hits that thing. He's also dead. Yeah. car You know what cars didn't have in 1970? Safety features. Yeah, anything, anything. I mean, yeah because that your body is going into the seat. Right. Well, no, it's not going to do it. It's not. It's just that you're going to get all of that fucking. What is that kinetic energy? Because the reason the reason cars crumple so much now is they make them to crumple so that they absorb.
01:42:44
Speaker
the impact. This thing is solid steel. I was in a car accident earlier this year. And I'll tell you what, back in my day, cars didn't crumble. They stood the test of time and you just had them bruises on you. You just had to make sure you had your will written every time you got in your car so you can be passed on to your kids.
Final Battle and Aftermath
01:43:01
Speaker
That's why I don't buy a Saturn. I buy a fucking old Ford and a wheel.
01:43:07
Speaker
and a helmet and a helmet. Well, I don't wear it, but I have it. I have it on. I just don't have the strap. does It's right next to me. I like to ride the carpool lane. I got a resuscitation. I hold it over my shoulder a lot like Angelina Jolie and then their hackers movies. I put a resuscitation dummy in the passenger seat and I put a helmet on it. but No one questions.
01:43:27
Speaker
But this is when we get the other not great CG moment of Fampi Janssen's head crawling around yeah like ah that ginger dude from The Thing. Yeah. Except for his was way creepier because it's like upside down head and the legs come out and it's crawling and his mouth hanging open. Yeah, this is just her head kind of thing, which we're going to see later after everything gets solved. John Stewart with an eye patch and like a ah hand all bandaged up. Yeah. Did we see that? Yeah, you walked away. Oh, in the credits, sorry. as it's As it's going through, it's it's showing us credits for like everyone that's been in the movie, scenes from the movie, but then Jon Stewart gets there, and it's him healing up.
01:44:06
Speaker
Yeah, he's got an eye patch and like his four cut off fingers have like wrap a wrap around. Do they have memory? Do you know? They don't say because it's there's music playing. okay And I'm really guessing not. We'll get to the end of this movie in a second. But I just wonder because we saw that is fucking Famke Jensen just going to have like a ah oh bandage around her. Well, they feel really fast because at the very beginning, Robert Patrick's face gets scratched by the principal yeah and the next day it's almost here. So so she's she's fine.
01:44:35
Speaker
But just the rest of her life be alive, by the way, she does have a scarf tied around her. No, he shouldn't. He should do or should be alive if we go by movie science. But for the he got her head reattached. Yeah, he did. But for the for the rest of the movie, for the rest of her life, though, Pamkey Janssen's like, my neck always hurt my back like my pussy and my crack. Not to you, to Pamkey Janssen. You don't lick my crack, please. It's fun.
01:45:01
Speaker
ah So back in the back in the gym, we have Stokely and Marybeth. And this is when Marybeth is like, man, you know, maybe the aliens have it right. Like, we could all just be part of a thing. Like, I know you like being the outsider and stuff, but like, wouldn't it be nice to just be accepted and be a part of a thing? And Stokely's like, I don't think so. She's like, oh, really, bitch? Wham! With tentacle fucking armed to the back of this lady's head. So this is the only time I think that the queen is not taking anybody over she's masquerading as this girl yeah yeah because now she becomes this huge fucking worm creature and goes like kind of just and it goes back into it like goes back into the girl form later but everybody else is taking over i just realized what this looks like what's it look like uh
01:45:46
Speaker
Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The thing that they fight at the beginning. It looks exactly. Well, that looks exactly like this. The antilocum baccam runs. Exactly. The batteries. What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what I was like with E.L.O. The antilocum baccam moments. Why are you leaking with your left eye? Everybody can see that. You saw that? It just dawned on me. I was like, this creature looks exactly like something I've seen. You are fucking not wrong. With much better CG. Yeah. Oh, and a better soundtrack.
01:46:15
Speaker
Well, yeah, I'll be honest. This is a decent 90s soundtrack soundtrack. That's a way better soundtrack. That soundtrack is banging. One and two are great. The third the third is a good movie. The soundtrack doesn't hit as much. You know why? Because they're trying to do a 90s and it doesn't work as well. Because now you you. Dude, the first and the second one were limited to fucking mixtapes. Yeah. At a certain time, at a certain technology. From his mother. Now you have things you could put whatever you want on there. Well, the second one, he has the thing, doesn't he? Yeah, it's from his mother. No, second one is mixed tape. Mixed tape, volume two. Because he gets it at the end of the first one. Yep. No, the end of the first one is when he gets the iPod or the Zune. No, that's the second one.
01:46:55
Speaker
Is it? Yeah, baby. OK, when does when does a yondu die? First one, second, one second one. OK, then it is. I just I've seen them both too many times to know. I just I first date was the first one. Well, yeah, but mine, I've seen the second one almost as many times as I've seen the first with myself.
01:47:12
Speaker
Oh, that was literally our first date. Our first date was Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1, and it was definitely my first time who was seeing it that week. It was his fifth time seeing it. Dude, I saw that movie so many times in theaters. I don't blame you, dude. But yeah, so the queen gets revealed. Stokely runs into like the gym, the swim gym. Yeah. And this thing jumps in the pool. Swim into a swim gym. Like, wouldn't chlorine dry her up?
01:47:41
Speaker
I would think so. I mean, maybe, but also like it's still mostly water. But also that question earlier i was like, yeah, I think it would. I think it I mean, it's a little bit weird because my first thought was, well, yes, it's not going to be the same as real water, but it'll be still she's swimming across it. She can swim faster than she can run.
01:47:58
Speaker
well also But she also gets bigger in the pool, so the water is helping. She does say on her home planet that the world was covered in oceans. Beautiful oceans. We don't know what their oceans were. Ours are salt water. Theirs could be chlorine water. This could be helping her. I mean, they are drinking water straight from the tap and being fine, and that means that they can handle chlorine. Yeah, and fluoride and fluoride and I don't know. Iron, rust,
01:48:25
Speaker
ah half digested medication from elderly people, fecal matter. ah But so, yeah, it gets bigger. She pulls Stokely into the pool and she fucking rocks her face on the ground. Oh, yeah. Good, good blood mouth. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like Casey gets her out in time and they get away and then she turns back into Mary Beth. Butt naked. Nice butt naked. Well, before we see the boobs, just nice butt.
01:48:54
Speaker
Super nice butt. Oh yeah. They did keep that shadow on her butt crack for a long time though. I was like, is she got a Merkin on? She has tentacles. What's going on this black spot right here? that That's her true form.
01:49:08
Speaker
They go into the locker room. Zeke shows up and he's about to. They're doing this whole like, it's not me, it's her. I'm the real clone. Whatever. Why are you going to do some drugs? Why are you naked? Yeah. Why? Why? Why aren't I naked? This is when she has the the kind of faces on. I write remember. i And this this I'm assuming this is a Blu-ray thing because you can see. So she's standing there with her boobs out and stuff. There's no nipple, which is just weird anyway. Like it's it's creepy looking.
01:49:37
Speaker
And at first, when she's in the shadows, you can see there's no nipple and it's doesn't you can't see it. But once they show her step out, you can see the line of the things she's wearing on like a lot of her boobs. So I remember the taste bandages. yeah No, I remember these. These were adhesive bras so you could wear like strapless dresses. My mom got me these. You like put it on your nipple and like paste it up. It's less fancy. This is brown duct tape. You get like this hairdrop look. Don't put duct tape on your nipples.
01:50:03
Speaker
Ooh, why not? Because I mean, hurt unless it appears. Well, if that's what you're into. I was explaining my fetishes to you. I'm not i just saying if it's what you're going to go for is unlocked recently. So did Josh Hardin with a fucking paper slicer. That's not recent. She had that the whole time. I did. But he's about to stab Mary Beth with the pen. Yeah, because he got four of them from the car. He's about to stab her with all of them and Stokely stops him and he's like,
01:50:32
Speaker
Not you too. Not like this. And so there's a whole scramble. but And it comes back, Casey. Dude, at one point, Casey is hiding. Well, first, Josh Hartnett makes him do drugs yeah to prove that he's real. So now he's high again. Great. Now I'm useless in the fight because I'm fucking high. But when in Casey is hiding, there's this point where Josh Hartnett just gets hucked over all the lockers. yeah And I was just like, whoo, that sucks. Yeah, he has rocks, dude. It's a fun stunt, man. So there are our last two human beings presumably in this city.
01:51:07
Speaker
Uh huh. Or town town. um I mean, maybe there's some. Yeah. Depends how many. Because the whole town was at the football game. Yeah. And they were infecting everybody from the other. town Yep. Mm hmm. But. And then they were infecting everybody. And then they were. Infected two people. And then they infected 15 people. There's a really cool thing here. Like it doesn't look the greatest because 1998 and whatnot. Sure. First, like Casey's sneaking around and you see tentacle shadows everywhere because she's in the form of the queen.
01:51:37
Speaker
But then they cut to Mary Beth. She's walking through the locker room naked, telling this like utopia story. But the shadows are still there. The shadows coming out from all directions, by the way. I don't mind how it looks. Are there tentacles? No, it doesn't look the greatest, but it's a really cool idea. It's because you can see what she really is. Yeah. But it's weird because like they're going in all directions, but I think it's just I don't know if it's for our benefit or if it's dramatic effect, but it just it looks fucking cool. I think you just answered it. It looks cool.
01:52:05
Speaker
Yeah, there's no right. There's no it fucking cryptozoology reason for it to. Well, and it looks I'm going to just remind everybody Robert Rodriguez have directed this logic is not his primary concern. Looking fucking cool is mostly what he's known. now You're talking to a Star Wars fan. ah Science be fucking damn the force, force.
01:52:28
Speaker
She turns back into the queen and the first shot is a CG thing, but the rest of this is a puppet. Well, not I guess not crawling through the bleachers. Yeah, CG. But so he goes through these bleachers and this is exactly how high school bleachers work, at least in my school. You have like a button that gets pushed, although you needed a key for it, and it makes them fold in or out. So he goes underneath him, pushes the button and he's running and the thing's following him. So it gets crushed in the bleachers at the last second. yeah But as soon as it gets crushed, he's basically got like he's almost about to be like, gotcha, bitch.
01:52:58
Speaker
And it's a little hot. Well, he does stab it in the eye and say ah guaranteed to jack you up, stabs this thing in the eye with all three of hands. And yeah, it hawks fucking bug goop all over his face. By the way, like for guaranteed to jack you up. Call back.
01:53:15
Speaker
yeah they set it up with josh hart ah oh that's right he so said danny masterson and ah mitch mitty but the the creature the queen dies the bug together cg thing that i was like because they make it white and like Decomposed. Yeah, it shrivels up. It doesn't look great. worse It doesn't look the worst. It's not the worst. Reference um that movie with The Rock and the White Gorilla. Oh, Rampage. Rampage. It's been a rock and a white place? I was like, what movie are you? to Oh, Gorilla. Gotcha. Well, hold on. It could have been fucking Pain and Gain. Remember that movie with The Rock rock and the White thing? Supremacist. Cocaine? i was I was thinking of Mark Wahlberg. Oh, but so, yeah, the bugs shrivel up and fall out of his face before they can infect him. He goes and finds Stokely. The bugs bugs are shriveling up on the ground. I kept waiting for that last like he's not dead comes back. They kind of give it to you, but psych.
01:54:15
Speaker
Because fucking Casey wakes up Stokely and it's like, everything's over. Are you back to normal? Yeah, I think so. And then Josh Hartnett out of nowhere gives that big loud like. Yeah, he's up on the gate like I can't think of the actor's name, but a monkey data in Independence Day. Oh, wait. Independence Day. Yeah. So the actor that plays data on Star Trek. No, it's data. Yeah. But the actor is Brent Reiner. Sure. He gets his face. I'm getting it mixed up because there's Brett Ratner, who's the really terrible human being that's also a director of X-Men movies. And then there's I'm going to look it up because I have a quick just a quick anecdote. But when he slams up against that that cage that he's in with the alien and he's doing the talking, it looks like that. It's like with the Brent Spiner, Brent Spiner. Thank you. And by the way, Brent Spiner on Cheers.
01:55:07
Speaker
And then later on an episode of Frasier where he's sitting next to Lilith, Bibi Neuwirth, who's in this movie, and they have a good joke about who's who's more pale. It's pretty fun. ah Spoiler alert, it's Brent Spiner. Different characters, by the way. yeah definitely I don't know, man. Back then, it might have been her. You ever seen them next to each other? but We have our our wrap-up. Two sons of Tatooine.
01:55:30
Speaker
We have our wrap up scene that we don't need, but it's the 90s, so we do. One month later. One month later, Zeke is playing football. He's on the football team now. But he's smoking cigarettes while he does it. And it's just like... Sam Key is, I fucking him from the stand. Oh, God, yeah. Dude, he is fucking a teacher. And since it's 1998, that's okay, because he's a boy and she's a girl. And he's of age. Hey, we had a student shoot a teacher earlier. It's okay, it's 98.
01:55:51
Speaker
Yeah. He's of age. He's 19 years old. That's fair. He is 19. So the football thing. Is there just a better way to show I belong or I want to belong? That's that's the thing. This ending is 100 percent breakfast club, like you said earlier, because now Stokely isn't goth anymore. She's wearing a pink shirt.
01:56:09
Speaker
purple floral pretty outfit with a cardigan. She's not she's not black on black. she's got She's got like a cardigan and like fucking ah what when the high water. Oh, is she wearing a skirt? I thought she's wearing pants still. No, it was a knee length skirt. OK, yes. And she's kissing Stan there together now. ah Delilah and Casey are together now because he's famous. Yeah, because she had a change of heart. No, no, she's still the same fucking person.
01:56:36
Speaker
because he's on the cover of like people and time and all this stuff. And the news is coming to talk to him. And that's the end of the movie. ah Everybody lives happily ever after except for the people who were murdered. The news. Well, we lost the principal and the old ass lady.
01:56:50
Speaker
Well, they say the newscast that's going over this says this town is getting back to normal after disappearance of a large number of their faculty. But but like but who who but look we could say Femke Jensen died. and we don't three don't We don't see Mrs. Olsen. So maybe she died. That's four.
01:57:07
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, there's apparently eight teachers in this school, so that's 50%. All right, fair enough. Yeah, but even though the news, like because fucking Jordana comes and slaps down a bunch of the magazines, and one of them says like, hero or hoax.
01:57:22
Speaker
Dude, there's alien fucking little fetus everywhere. Grab one
Film Reflection and Podcast Closing
01:57:26
Speaker
of them. Well, they shriveled up and like turned to dust. Hey, grab one of them and show them that dust. You're going to show it's extraterrestrial dust. Just grab another one, throw it in the tank, but make sure there's a top on it. Hey, Fred Ward was right. They came from outer space, y'all. Yeah, they did. Agreed. But that's the end of this movie, so we'll do recommendations, of course, Whitney. Full recommend, and I don't need caveats. Dude, I will three thumbs up this bitch all day long.
01:57:50
Speaker
I think she does need caveats, a way to clean up after Josh Hartnett. No, i I fucking love this movie. It holds up. It's fantastic. Yeah. ah Usually when I say you don't need to ask me, it's because I hated it. ah You don't need to ask me. This is awesome.
01:58:06
Speaker
it's it's it's It was yeah awesome to see how much it held up since we watched it in 98 and probably 2000, probably 2004. I probably haven't seen it since like 2006. I probably watched this 10 years ago. Okay. I've seen it four or five times and I love it and it held up really well, surprisingly.
01:58:24
Speaker
And the one time I remember watching it and I'm like I said, I'm sure I watched it when I was younger, but it was probably about 18 years ago. I was probably like 20 years old. Yeah. But yeah, I like it. I love it. I recommend it. I think it holds up. I think it's part of that. Do you want some more of it?
01:58:39
Speaker
I do for the faculty to faculty. I don't want that faculty here. No, I'm like, dude, they could have easily had just let faculty to Elijah still have a worm in him. Been like, oh, he was. No, no, no. You need some fucking buddy. Maybe Elijah would. You need someone to grab a sample. And like Derek said, like, well, I know it's dead. Let me just pop it in some water. I'll put a little. I'll keep it safe. And then somebody's little sister comes over. He's like, what's that? Infected town. is Exactly. Yeah.
01:59:09
Speaker
I like the faculty. Would have been a terrible movie, but oh, yeah, I like the title. Good title. But yeah, I recommend it. I think it's awesome. It's part of that wave of late 90s post scream teenage sexy teenage horror movies. It's got the same cover.
01:59:25
Speaker
I said this earlier, I used to confuse this with disturbing behavior, which also still holds up. Which also has that same cover. This was that era of like you have the cover with everybody on it and they're like in a shape. And usually you have the person who's the actual villain in like some prominent position and you're like, but you don't know. And I'm like, well, I do. I saw the cover. It's trying to show the high school kids can make a difference. Yeah. Kid power, dude. Kid power. Well, almost. yes You have the dual power.
01:59:53
Speaker
Second year senior power. I can legally buy cigarettes power. But yeah, it's a lot of fun. Some of the CG doesn't hold up, but hey, whatever. yeah I'm also a fan of Robert Rodriguez, so... I have a question for you. Mostly I am. How does somebody become a Patreon? You don't. That's a website. You can become a patron. How do you become a patron? First rule of Patreon is you can't talk about it. I don't know how people make money.
02:00:17
Speaker
But I'm about to. You can check out our Patreon if you want more of our content at patreon dot.com slash worst people three dollars a month. You get a bonus episode every month. You get some other shit. We have more stuff in the works. We've been discussing some stuff we want to add even today. Yep. Like right before we watch this movie. So join that and help support us. And thank you to everybody who has done it. Yeah. Thank you to the people that do it.
02:00:40
Speaker
And next week's episode will continue our Halloween horror fest. I'm just intrigued because everybody's listening. I have no idea. and Things will keep being spoopy. We're going to be doing our DERKA classic movies for the month. Oh no. I'm less excited. it's I was about to say the wrong movie because we had a change of schedule due to streaming issues. Next week's episode will be 1977's Empire of the Ants. And it's still our DERKA classic movie.
02:01:09
Speaker
I'm going to prophesize I'll be drinking. Probably. I might fall asleep. But that will be next week's movie. We're all going to enjoy it together or not. We will be together. I want to yeah i want to personally thank Evasion for giving us our opening and closing music. Oh, and I didn't mention the Patreon episode for this month is going to be the fly from 1986 fly me to the moon. Well, with Jeff Goldblum, someone's going to have another accent to do.
02:01:39
Speaker
um I mean, it's it' it's not that hard. You just have to you just have to you just have to yeah so think about everything you're saying while you're saying it. It's like almost like in an American Hugh Grant. You you step up your own words and you say them they're delightful. Except for I have I have better teeth. Oh, much better. teeth But yes, thank you to Evasion for providing our opening and closing music. Please stay tuned for the rest of Halloween Horror Fest. I have been Derek. I am still his wife. I'm Jack. Good night and go do drugs. Yeah. Prove you're a human.
02:02:35
Speaker
Anyway, let's start the episode. I'm Jack. Wait, are you? You should have said you're Whitney. You're so fucking stupid. I am stupid. Whitney! God.