Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Why Is Misgendering Such a Big Deal?
30 Plays22 days ago
Misgendering is often thought of as a simple mistake - a brief moment that can be corrected and moved past. But for many trans and non-binary people, misgendering can happen repeatedly in everyday interactions.
Over time, these moments can shape how safe it feels to speak up, participate, or navigate workplaces and social spaces.
In this episode, we explore what misgendering actually means, why it can feel like such a big deal even when it is unintentional, and how assumptions about gender identity and pronoun use are formed. We also look at why frequency matters, and what helps individuals and organizations build confidence in using more inclusive language.
If you have ever wondered why misgendering matters, felt unsure about getting pronouns right at work or in social situations, or wanted to better understand gender identity in practice, this conversation offers clear insight and practical ways forward.
Topics include: misgendering meaning, pronouns and pronoun mistakes, pronouns at work, gender assumptions, gender identity, trans and non-binary inclusion, inclusive language, allyship and inclusive workplaces.
Recommended
Transcript
Why Misgendering Matters
00:00:04
Speaker
Misgendering is a topic that a lot of people have heard of, but unless you've experienced it yourself, it can be quite hard to grasp how challenging it can be for trans people. On one side, you hear trans people talk about how exhausting and painful it is. And on the other, you might just feel a bit confused about what the big deal is, especially if it feels like it's just a mistake. So today we're looking at what misgendering actually is, why it is a big deal, whether it's a mistake or not, and why it's not something that only trans people experience either misgendering is less about using the wrong word and is more about the assumptions that are made about you and what that means for how you feel able to show up in the world and as always I'm super lucky to be joined by my colleague Kai how are you today i'm doing well how about yourself
00:00:53
Speaker
but Yeah, I'm great. Thank
Misgendering in Transfocus Work
00:00:54
Speaker
you. I'm i'm glad we're talking about misgendering because it does come up a lot, right, in the work that Transfocus does. Yeah, absolutely. It's, I would say, among probably the top three topics. Really? Yeah, it's a big deal in terms of like not only the experiencing side, but the thing that people ask about. They're like, what is this? It seems like a new word to them. And they're also like, i feel like this needs to be on my radar, but I don't know what to do about it. So even once they know, they're like, OK, but like, wow, like how? how yeah you know what So it's like, what to how? Quick.
00:01:29
Speaker
and That makes sense. So when we talk about misgendering, then what what is it that we're actually talking about? What counts as misgendering? So it's really good that we're we're unpacking this word because it's a very useful one for many different contexts. So obviously we're bringing it up in the context of trans and non-binary folks, which disproportionately experience misgendering.
Understanding Misgendering
00:01:53
Speaker
So basically it just means that we we use the incorrect term for somebody, whether it's a pronoun. So he, him, him, She, her, they, them, neo-pronouns, no pronouns, right? So just making a an incorrect assumption about what somebody's pronouns are. It could be gender-specific language too, right? Saying to a non-binary person, wife, instead of, you know, a spouse, things like that.
00:02:26
Speaker
And so there's many different ways that misgendering come up, but those are some of the the kind of prime examples of whether it's pronoun or a gender specific term that can be kind of misused or misapplied to somebody.
00:02:40
Speaker
And so obviously it very much depends on the individual, but... broadly speaking, how often does misgendering happen um to trans and non-binary people and and what are the effects of that? Because it can be quite serious for some and maybe less so for others. Right.
00:02:56
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. So we do have data on this, which is really important to have that insight because anecdotally we've known before collecting the data that this is a big deal and it happens often, frequently.
Misgendering Statistics
00:03:12
Speaker
So now we know from TransPulse Canada, and we'll provide a link to that report case you want to look a little closer. But essentially, you know, we have data from folks who are misgendered on a daily basis, and that is
00:03:29
Speaker
59% of non-binary folks, so a majority of them, and then about a quarter of trans men and women also get misgendered. So it is important to differentiate, you know, based across the gender spectrum, there is a ah difference. So non-binary folks experience far more misgendering.
00:03:47
Speaker
than trans men and women, but trans men and women still do experience it. And I really want to pause on the fact that this is daily. It's not just like once a while, you know, or, you know, once a month or once a year, you know, like somebody didn't look at you the right way or whatever. um Every single day.
00:04:11
Speaker
i think for somebody who has not experienced misgendering, that might be hard to kind of um relate to that frequency and so i think that's really important to anchor in this is a data these this data that i just shared um are for a frequency of daily which is really really hard for folks of course there is a diversity of reactions some people they're neutral or numb to that reality um Others um kind of laugh it off. And then I would say the majority, and we know this from TransPulse Canada results, and are somewhat or very upset by that yeah experience. It's just, it's something i know people think, well, it's just a few handful of letters, like how big of a deal is this, right? But if you think about how
00:05:03
Speaker
In society, we kind of willy-nilly go around to strangers and ascribe things to them without getting to know
Perceptions and Mistreatment Risks
00:05:12
Speaker
them. it And the kind of gender gender expectations and... how we interact with one another, everything changes based on not just these words, but how we perceive people. yeah And that can be very harmful and in some cases dangerous, right? If people read folks in a particular way, um they could then mistreat them.
00:05:38
Speaker
And that also happens quite often for trans and non-binary folks. So it's not just about the words, it's also about everything else that accompanies those words as well.
00:05:50
Speaker
You've talked about how, especially for folks who don't experience misgendering, understanding why um this is such a big deal can be really hard to grasp. And it's not, for the most part, I would imagine it's not necessarily that they don't care. It's, I think a lot of people really care. And and a big feature of, um that comes up in our work at Trans Focus is that people really fear getting something wrong and hurting people. But at the same time, they might not really understand what makes this such a problem. And so where,
00:06:20
Speaker
Where does
Challenges for Atypical Presentations
00:06:21
Speaker
that confusion come from? Just see because you mentioned the way that we just go through the world sort of ascribing things to people, but for cis people, that's normal. So right it's usually accurate for a lot of people.
00:06:33
Speaker
Absolutely. That's true. Yeah. I'm just kind of break down how misgendering happens. because that might not be readily apparent for folks who have not experienced misgendering. There are cisgender folks who have experienced and they will likely be well or aware of this dynamic that I'm about to describe. And like you said, it's not coming from a malicious place. People are not intending to kind of go about and hurt people, right? um It's just that they may not be aware of what we do when we meet somebody new for the first time. This is primarily about people that we don't know.
00:07:10
Speaker
And that's where if it's a stranger or a new colleague or a new client, you know, we're ascribing a lot of things. um So what we meet when we meet somebody new, we look at their expression, but they're what kind of clothing they're wearing, their hairstyles. Is it like short or long? um hair, ah are they wearing a dress, are they wearing a tie you know These are all like subliminal things that we're seeing and real-time categorizing based on what we see. Also the shape of somebody's body as well, right? Sometimes if they have hips, curved chest, like there's all these things that we might not be aware that we're taking in and then going because of these things, ergo, this person is a man. And then there's a second step of, okay, then this person uses he him pronouns.
00:08:07
Speaker
We're doing that in a split second. It's so fast. And of course, like you said, for probably a good percentage of the people, the this determination or assumption is correct. And so that's why the practice has largely stayed intact for so long. Right.
00:08:25
Speaker
But you know trans and non-binary folks are ah more visible, more out, more living their lives as we we ought to, usually from the beginning. but And we don't always like map on to how society expects for our gender.
00:08:46
Speaker
Or people are non-binary and we don't have like this societal automatic method for properly identifying or using pronouns or specific language for non-binary
Gender Norms and Assumptions
00:09:00
Speaker
folks. So that's why the the disproportionate amount of misgendering of non-binary folks, because typically they're just ascribed, ah you know, um he, him or she, her pronouns automatically.
00:09:13
Speaker
And so those are some of the dynamics at play for people we don't know. It's automatic. We don't think to engage the other person or listen to the other person to better understand how they would like to be addressed. And so it's, it's a pretty ingrained process. Uh, one that, you know, is in a dynamic shift right now to figure out how to be more inclusive rather than jumping to conclusions.
00:09:41
Speaker
One thing that does get lost sometimes is that misgendering is not unique to trans people. Of course, trans people experience it at a greater amount than, than other people, but, um, it isn't just trans people. So how does that show up more broadly?
00:09:54
Speaker
Yeah. So there are cisgender folks who say, for example, a cisgender woman who looks more masculine or perhaps androgynous, right? And so has a different gender expression than we expect in our society for how women should ought to look. And I put heavy air quotes all over that, right? Like it shouldn't be that way in my opinion. Yeah. We should allow for a lot more diversity of expression, no matter one's gender identity, but we still expect a lot of times in certain circumstances, especially in more formal settings that but like almost gets...
00:10:37
Speaker
more, for some reason, you're like, okay, you should be wearing X. It's not just about the clothing. But in any case, so cisgender women who are more masculine, they can be often questioned about, you know,
00:10:53
Speaker
Are you a boy or a girl or a man or a woman, right? Like people get into wanting to figure it out. So that's a very common question, sadly. And of course, not just cisgender folks, but also trans folks get that question. Or a feminine looking um man can also be questioned in that way.
00:11:12
Speaker
ah It can go further and people be like, why are you this way? Why don't you just fit in? you know it can it can like It can get much further than just comments, stares, questions, things like that.
00:11:26
Speaker
And also, similar to trans people, they can be questioned in terms of their washroom use. right So it's like they get misgendered and then mistreated. and yeah And it seems to be even increasing as we start to have flashpoints. around gender um and even trans issues can kind of spill over into onto cisgender people who are not conforming to how society expects for their gender.
00:11:54
Speaker
And it's pretty grim. Yeah. And yeah, they are are caught in the mix as well. So people think, oh, it's just just trans people are impacted. No, it's it's also for for cisgender people as well.
00:12:07
Speaker
I mean, it should be enough that trans people are affected. But yes, the the issue is wider. And we have seen that, um especially in the last year. i think things have really, especially in the States, that things have really like heightened. And there have been multiple um news stories of cis people being misgendered and being kicked out of washrooms or being yelled at in washrooms, being... There was one story I read where so a cisgender man ran into the women's washrooms to tell a a woman off, a cis woman off for being in there, excusing her of being a man. And it's just like, the problem is men in the washrooms, you've just done that.
00:12:46
Speaker
It's like you've now created an issue. Actual men. Yeah. right So it's it's definitely starting
Impact Beyond Trans Community
00:12:55
Speaker
to increase. And I would imagine that the if as long as this continues, where people are being sort of over scrutinizing or judging or ascribing certain things to gender, that's only going to perpetuate and get worse for everybody, not just trans people. Yeah.
00:13:10
Speaker
You'll sometimes hear misgendering described in really strong terms, like harm or even that misgendering is violence. um what does that look like so why do you think people reach for that language and when is it accurate and maybe when is it not if that's not too inflammatory to ask I don't know exactly without discounting anybody's assessment of their own experience um in you know i I definitely give freedom for folks to to make that to self-determination I'm thinking more broadly that, you know, from an understanding perspective, typically in there is kind of, I mean, there's a kind of a spectrum of violence and emotional violence can be at play for folks. I mean, I don't think there's any physical violence involved, but I think just because something is not physically violent doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt in a very deep, profound way. And um I think sometimes people can kind of dismiss emotional violence against folks. um
00:14:17
Speaker
I think when it comes down to whether something is or is not, a lot of it comes to what somebody's intentions are. behind what words they use. And if somebody is intentionally misgendering somebody, so wanting to misgender with the intent to harm somebody, that can be really painful um and and like feel very risky because it's it's not just the words, it's like, what else is somebody willing to do to hurt somebody? involving their gender. And that can put people on high alert to see if other things could be at play and it could escalate to physical violence, right? It could start with this emotional harm.
00:15:04
Speaker
And then if there are no repercussions, which sometimes, or a lot of the times there aren't, And then people are like, oh, well, there's no, I can keep going, essentially. And so then it can translate to much worse.
Addressing Intentional Misgendering
00:15:18
Speaker
And so that's why i always encourage organizations to take this very seriously and intervene as early as possible so that it doesn't escalate to more and already enough. And certainly in case law that is substantiated that this is a big deal. yeah There have been handful of of of cases involving intentional misgendering or not using somebody's proper pronouns. um, and always in ruled in favor of the trans and non-binary folks, because just a basic decency to use somebody's proper pronouns or don't use them. Don't use any pronouns. Right. So there, there are options, but,
00:16:00
Speaker
And that's where i think it's really important to understand the weight of it, even if perhaps you may not have a personal understanding of that experience. There's ways to figure out, not figure out how to have that experience, but just kind of approximate it through some self-reflection.
00:16:17
Speaker
But there's, this still is a big deal. And so to to have people take it seriously, i think is really important and to listen to people and and what their response is. And ah recognize that it could be a range, but there may be some who are very upset. And it's just because maybe they've misgendered for the 20th time that day. It's like, we're talking about severe frequency here.
00:16:45
Speaker
So just, yeah yeah, just to really take that um to heart. Yeah. I think that's something that's often missed too. I see this on social media sometimes when i'm I'm doing social media for Trans Focus is that even that statistic of people getting misgendering every day, people sometimes think of that as like, oh, they get misgendered once that day. And it's like even once is bad. But actually, if you're somebody who's getting misgendered frequently or every day, it's probably not just the one time. It's probably...
00:17:15
Speaker
almost every interaction you have with someone and that is so heavy to carry and very distressing for a lot of people Absolutely. To the point where we haven't talked about it yet, but social exclusion or social isolation is a huge consequence. i At some point, some people are are not wanting to manage that level of frequency or that that amount of misgendering. And so like i won't bother to to leave my room.
00:17:44
Speaker
and so And as soon as somebody disconnects, that you know sets them up for all kinds of mental health consequences. like We're social creatures. So that's something that's, um you know, if if we become aware of, it's it's helpful if people, you know, change their patterns around this to help people so they don't go to those more dire, understandable, but very dire coping mechanisms for this type of experience.
00:18:11
Speaker
so Yeah. Is it okay with you if I ask you about those coping mechanisms and what that looks like for folks who experience misgendering? Yeah. Obviously you've just mentioned one, but there's a lot of hoops that people jump through to keep themselves safe. Yeah.
00:18:27
Speaker
ah Yeah. I mean, there, there are many, and there's a lot of good research on this as well. And we just know that, you know, leading to depression, anxiety, anxiety, The social isolation, which we talked about. And in some instances, i wouldn't say it's only misgendering, but there are it can lead to despair as well. It would be probably a like a many factors at play in terms of negative experiences. not just misgendering for that to be the case. But certainly misgendering is not helping, you know, in the mix. And so um those are very much at play. um It can also impact productivity at work, right? People are distracted by, okay, when's the next incoming misgendering? How am I going to handle it? Am I going to say something? Am I going to let it slide? Is it my boss? You know, it's just like, it's just so much um energy to navigate and figure out what to do. And then you have to think about, you know, am I older or younger? How can I kind of respond? Or who can I talk to, to try to try to address this? Can I go to human resources? Will they understand?
00:19:43
Speaker
Is my manager up to speed? You know, so it's just like so much. And some people, it's too much. And some people, they'll just only work with queer organizations because that's where they know they'll get that respect that they so direly need.
00:20:00
Speaker
And so people can find all kinds of very creative ways to make sure that they're going to be okay, but not everybody has those that that ability to find a safe place. And so sometimes they have to resort to you know more difficult coping mechanisms right to handle that. Mm-hmm.
00:20:23
Speaker
If someone listening wanted to take one new way of thinking about misgendering away from this episode, what would you hope that is?
Using Inclusive Pronouns
00:20:32
Speaker
Yeah, the biggest one. And it seems so simple. And sometimes people almost overlook it because it feels so simple.
00:20:39
Speaker
is when you're meeting somebody new not to ah immediately ascribe. Like you might do it in your head. That's okay. Like sometimes I still do that, right? Like it's okay if it happens in your head, fine, but you don't need to like say it, you know? And and that's not to say that it might not be the correct one, right?
00:21:00
Speaker
Chances are good that it it is. But in the case of the person who say has they, them pronouns and you wanted to say he, him, you've like paused that one out of 20 instances that it's going to happen. And that actually is a big deal. People notice when something is not said or there's space provided for them to share if they so choose.
00:21:24
Speaker
And that can make a big deal for them, whether they're an employee or a client to trust people, in this organization or at least this one person, right? And hopefully more that you're just not so much on the defensive and, or concerned or worried and being like, oh, okay, there's more space here. And what i recommend if you, of course, we shortcut to pronouns so quickly and so automatically, if you do need one and it's hard to not do pronouns,
00:21:59
Speaker
they, them as a placeholder, right? Until you get more information. And I would do that for everybody, not just people you're unsure of. And then maybe they'll share pronouns down the road, or maybe you see in the email signature, or, you know, you hear somebody who knows them well talking about them and get the proper pronoun. So it does require a little bit more attentiveness and paying attention.
00:22:24
Speaker
But I think that is a really powerful thing beyond gender because we then are taking in information that's already being provided, um you know, about where they're from or you know, like so many things that we ask about that we could actually just listen for and get and if we were paying attention. So I think this kind of broad, there's a broader benefit to this approach. um of maybe like pausing and listening and taking in information.
00:22:56
Speaker
Amazing. Well, thank you so much, Kai. You're welcome. I'm glad we were able to talk this through. Thanks for the questions. Goodbye. Bye.