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How to Share Your Pronouns as an Ally (Without Making It Weird)
32 Plays1 month ago
How do you share your pronouns as an ally without making it awkward, political, or performative?
Many allies want to normalize sharing pronouns. But in real life, it can feel uncomfortable. You might worry about being judged. You might wonder if it is necessary. You might even be asking yourself, should I share my pronouns at work or in social settings?
In this episode, we explore how to share your pronouns as an ally in a way that feels natural, respectful, and grounded. We unpack the real questions behind pronouns at work, allyship, and whether sharing pronouns is required or optional.
We talk about:
• Why sharing pronouns can signal safety to trans and non-binary people
• Why pronouns should always be optional
• What makes sharing pronouns feel awkward and how to handle that discomfort
• How to introduce your pronouns in conversations without making it a big deal
• When sharing pronouns at work, in email signatures, social media, or staff directories makes sense
• How to respond if someone pushes back or calls it “woke”
• The difference between leading by example and pressuring others
If you have ever searched:
How should I share my pronouns?
Should I share my pronouns at work?
How do I share pronouns without making it weird?
Are pronouns mandatory?
This conversation offers practical guidance and a thoughtful approach to allyship.
Sharing pronouns is not about forcing a rule, but about understanding cultural signals, social safety, and how allies can reduce the burden on trans and non-binary people.
Find out more about us: transfocus.ca
Recommended
Transcript
Sharing Pronouns: Personal Experiences and Challenges
00:00:04
Speaker
It's not a secret that my pronouns are she, they, but at the same time, I don't openly share it all the time either. And it very much depends on if I can be bothered to talk about what what's they, them about, or like, you know, sometimes I just can't be bothered to have that conversation. And so I don't share my pronouns in those cases.
00:00:23
Speaker
a lot of trans and non-binary folks are scanning for safety. And these are the types of little clues that, among others, that they're pulling on to be like, okay, is this person safe? Is this organization safe? How much do they know? Do they understand?
00:00:42
Speaker
Introducing yourself by sharing your pronouns sounds like one of those things that should be really simple but can be surprisingly awkward in real life, especially if you're not used to doing it. We're talking about why it matters, what it signals to other people, especially trans and non-binary folks for whom hearing you share your pronouns can say a lot about how safe or welcome they might be in the space. We're also going to get into that very real fear of feeling silly or awkward or self-conscious.
Casual Conversations and New Practices
00:01:10
Speaker
I'm so glad to be joined by Kai as always. How are you doing? I'm doing fantastic. How about yourself?
00:01:17
Speaker
Yeah, I'm great, thank you. I'm so happy that it's warm outside. I know it's probably a bad thing because it's like global warming. It's supposed to be freezing right now, but it's only minus three, which feels basically tropical in Edmonton. Wow, so T-shirt weather. I know, basically is.
00:01:33
Speaker
but When I first started making a conscious effort to share my pronouns, Kai, I felt so awkward and just like my whole body would cringe when I would do it and I i would overthink it and I'd feel so uncomfortable and worry that I wasn't doing it right. um And so before I go into any other question, i feel like we should probably start with what is the right way to share your pronouns? How do we do that?
00:01:58
Speaker
Yes, that is the million dollar question of what is sharing pronouns? How do we do it What's it for? Like all of the million questions that come with a new practice. And there just want to state from the outset, anytime we introduce a new habit into the mix, no matter if it's sharing pronouns or any other thing, right? Any new thing.
00:02:22
Speaker
is difficult for the brain. Like, you know, we're built to do habits and things that are routine and established. And so it's okay to feel awkward and a little uncomfortable or just like, what am I doing this right? lot of self-doubt, you know? So yeah, for sure. Yeah.
00:02:42
Speaker
want to acknowledge that. ah And so what it what are we talking about for those who maybe are like, what do you mean sharing pronouns, right? So for many people, um you don't have to share pronouns, right? People see how you look on the outside and make the correct determin assumption that based on how you look, say somebody feminine looking that's a woman, um, it, and then somebody uses she, her pronouns for them. It happens in a split second. We do it so quickly. And for many, it's like, okay, we're on, onwards, right? It's not not a big thing.
00:03:23
Speaker
In essence, we, uh, For those who don't need it, it can feel a bit like unnecessary to share one's
Integrating Pronouns into Everyday Interactions
00:03:32
Speaker
pronouns. And what I mean by sharing pronouns is whether that's part of an interaction where you're getting to know somebody for the first time, you can, as part of your introduction, say, for example, if I were to meet somebody for the first time, I'd say, my name is Kai Scott. I use he, him pronouns. I'm the president of Transfocus Consulting.
00:03:52
Speaker
boom, there's a bit of information about myself and then somebody else can respond in kind with the same information or different information. But essentially, that's I've shared it in that introduction.
00:04:04
Speaker
There's also options beyond interactions to provide it an email signature, people put on their resume, um there's staff directories where folks can provide, sometimes if the system is set up properly, ah provide pronouns. So there's all these little places, whether interaction or in systems, that people can share their pronouns.
00:04:27
Speaker
And the practice, like I said, because it is new for some folks, can feel a little bit awkward. um It doesn't have to be a big moment. I think sometimes think people think it's like this big to do. But actually, the more matter of fact, and kind of easygoing you are, the more it just feels kind of natural ah part of the interaction.
00:04:49
Speaker
So yeah. You don't have to spend a lot of time on it and explain yourself. And ah one thing I would clarify is I hear some cisgender people say, i identify as she, her, he, him, um you know, at like stating their pronouns. um the I would just offer a correction there. It's not, we don't identify with our pronouns. We identify with a gender, woman, man, non-binary, et cetera.
00:05:16
Speaker
But for pronouns, it's just I use um is proper or the best. It's simple. Or I ask people to use, things like that. So just a few things to consider when talking about or sharing pronouns in an interaction. When you said, I'm Kai Scott, I use he, him pronouns. When you say it like that, it's just, it's so simple. So why do so many people feel awkward about Right. Yeah. I mean, get right? Because we don't have social habit around that yet. Right. And so when you say it or when somebody who has not had to say it or think about this starts to say it, it's unfamiliar and hasn't like been developed neurologically, so to speak. I mean, think about myself in terms of like land acknowledgements.
Overcoming Awkwardness in Pronoun Sharing
00:06:10
Speaker
When I used to say those at first, I felt like this is 10, 15 or so years ago. I was so awkward and so awkward. I didn't want to do it because I kind of like,
00:06:21
Speaker
maybe I don't need to do it. like should ah But of course, I understood the importance and so dedicated the energy to practice to where now it's like not a thing. ah It just happens. Whatever comes ah kind of organically is how I want to do it that day. It changes. I try to, you know, have a bit of variety and make it specific and, know, all the tips that I've heard from indigenous folks. So, but it took practice and time for me to get that comfortable.
00:06:55
Speaker
Another thing I would add is that it's not just about our own personal practice. Maybe we're comfortable with it. It's fine. But then we're having to navigate the reactions of others. And that's where it gets a little more complex, where you don't know what you're going to encounter. Maybe you'll talk to, you're introducing yourself to a trans person, and they're like, cool, and they provide their pronoun, and it's seamless. Other times, it can be folks who push back.
00:07:22
Speaker
on and are like, oh, this is such a woke thing to do. Or why are you, you know, giving your pronouns? Of course, you're X, Y, and zd you know, like, they'll not be very kind about it, and make it a bigger moment than it needs to be. um Because you're not forcing the other person to do anything, but maybe they feel self conscious, or they're feel out of sorts, or, you Maybe it doesn't even have to be a big like um hostile moment. Maybe it's just like somebody fidgeting or like shifting their eye gaze and not knowing what to do, right? In response to what somebody has shared. So it's it's navigating other people's responses that can feel like a lot, especially if somebody already has so much on their plate, um maybe they'll decide to forgo it because of that reaction. That makes sense.
00:08:14
Speaker
You said something a second ago, and it's also reflected in something I see on social media quite a lot, which is that if I'm not trans, what's the point of me sharing my pronouns at all? And sort of in my mind, there are two aspects, the sort of structural and normalization, or redistribution of burden, things like that. And then There's also the like interpersonal and emotional impacts and um especially when it comes to creating safety for trans and non-binary people. So I was wondering if you could go into those aspects about why it's something that if you want to, it would be great to share your pronouns.
00:08:53
Speaker
Yeah, for like a small amount of effort, there are certain benefits to that in the sense that, you know, what you were mentioning, it's a way for for those who are trans and non-binary to understand that you know about pronouns, you know their importance. And you also know that people can't make assumptions based on how somebody looks, what their pronouns are. So in essence, you're kind of offloading that responsibility of figuring it out to the other person by not stating it.
00:09:26
Speaker
Even if in your mind it's obvious, right? Like how people would assume would be correct. um But it still puts that other person in like this position of having to, if they're wanting to be thoughtful, to figure it out versus you just stating it outright, mystery solved.
00:09:44
Speaker
And off you go, right? And it's not to say that you have to do it all in interactions. There could be more subtle or indirect ways like putting in the email signature and people check and then use it, right? So there are options available to folks, but depending on their where they want to go and what they want to do.
Creating Inclusive Spaces Through Pronoun Sharing
00:10:03
Speaker
The other thing is that um if you're if you're sharing that, it does signal a degree of safety ah for for trans and non-binary folks to be like, okay, this person likely understands and is able to take on actions to support trans and non-binary folks. And that actually makes a big deal because a lot of trans and non-binary folks are scanning for safety. And these are the types of little clues that, among others, that they're pulling on to be like, okay, is this person safe? Is this organization safe? um How much do they know? Do they understand? Do they appreciate um what kind of weight is involved in um pronouns and whatnot? So yeah,
00:10:54
Speaker
And it just normalizes it too. It's not really that big of a deal to exchange. And if there's kind of habits and patterns around it doesn't have to be everybody, but enough people, it really makes it easier for trans and non-binary folks to share their pronouns, right? They're not, especially if they use they, them pronouns, they're not hesitating because that can out them or it does out them to others. And so if there's other, even cisgender folks who are sharing pronouns, it's like, okay, there's a space here. i can walk into it.
00:11:27
Speaker
I can feel somewhat certain that people aren't going to lose their mind. you know, and off you go. So there's kind of a few different dimensions, like you said, that create that additional a safety for everybody involved.
00:11:42
Speaker
If you're watching the podcast rather than listening, and you may notice that the background is slightly different now for Kai, it's because ah he was sort of being blinded by the sun, as you might have noticed. So but we just had to take a pause to do a switch. um And now we're back to chatting about pronouns. Eberdynamic, flexible. This is what Transfocus is all about.
00:12:07
Speaker
can i um Can I be nosy for a second? Please do. I was wondering what it's like for you when you're in different
Pronoun Sharing in Varied Environments
00:12:18
Speaker
spaces. Maybe there's some spaces where you're the only one sharing your pronouns. And then there's other spaces where it's sort of much more commonplace and everybody's sharing their pronouns. And what that experience is like for you as a trans guy.
00:12:31
Speaker
Great question. Yeah, I would say that especially early days, um even before TransFocus, I started to introduce myself. I used to work in the mining industry and in meetings I would introduce myself with pronouns, which back, you know, 15 years ago, just like, right what's going on? That's so yeah that's pretty iconic.
00:12:57
Speaker
Instant entertainment ah for me. so Especially in the industry you're in as well. That's absolutely's wild. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure things are different now where it would there would more space and understanding about it. But back then it was just like kind of deer in headlights of like, whoa.
00:13:15
Speaker
um So yeah, when it's not well supported, the person who does it, myself included, just really stands out like a sore thumb. Like, what are you doing? What do you want about? Now there can be that layer of hostility of like, this is so woke. um But certainly back in the day, it was more of just like a mystery of like, what? ah You're talking a foreign language almost, right? Yeah.
00:13:43
Speaker
And it definitely does not feel very comfortable. at The sense of belonging just plummets because you stand out. um And for something so simple too, right? It's just like stating pronouns for clarity. i just feel like that's such a gift that we give to one another and and suddenly it's like misunderstood in such a big way.
00:14:07
Speaker
So yeah, it didn't feel really great. um i am someone who, because I've moved so much, I have felt like an outsider a lot of my life. So I, it doesn't really bother me as much as perhaps if I had always lived in one place. um And i I'm used to feeling like people are puzzled by what I do, you know, like in Germany, I would bring my, you know, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you know, to lunch. um And people were very baffled by the food that I was ingesting. So as a small example, anyways. So, yeah, it doesn't feel great. And for some people, if there's enough of that happening, it'll actually dissuade them from doing it at all.
00:14:51
Speaker
um And this is particularly difficult for trans and non-binary folks, especially if they use they, them or a neo pronoun or any other you know pronoun that we don't commonly hear.
00:15:06
Speaker
It just is a really difficult thing. Versus if others are doing it as well, it it's just um such a fresh breath of air. Number one, you don't feel like a total weirdo. You're you're you're with other people who are also doing it and it feels more comfortable and you know, not everybody has to do it um for that sense of belonging to increase, but a few um others, and we can figure out the timing of it too, right? Like there's probably a particular rhythm um of introductions or places where that is happening. And then you can join people in that. Or if it's like more something you do in email signature, it's like, okay, cool. Here's the the kind of
00:15:57
Speaker
normalized um ways of doing things in this organization. and I joined them and it's like, I always call it MBD, no big deal. Right.
00:16:08
Speaker
it's pretty easy. And it's like, you don't get stuck mentally. Right.
Confidence and Voluntary Pronoun Sharing
00:16:13
Speaker
So if I introduce myself and it goes weird, then maybe I'm replaying that tape, you know, an hour later, a day later,
00:16:22
Speaker
And like, should I have done it differently? You know you're like doing a lot of second guessing versus it's built into the culture and you do it and then it's over and you're, you're onto the next thing, right? It's just more seamless that way.
00:16:34
Speaker
With that kind of, you mentioned it before, and then obviously what you've just said leaks into that too. There is this fear of being judged and being made fun of. And just, I think a lot of people get in their head a bit about how you're going to be responded to. And so i was wondering kind of if you could go into that a little bit and how people can handle that and sort of stick to their values as opposed to their comfort zone sort of being okay, but also recognizing that that's a really hard thing to do. Yeah, absolutely. And i appreciate people want to live into their values and then kind of reality makes it a little more complicated. sweet But how people can handle that. So if somebody pushes back, you know, especially something as dismissive as, you know, this is woke or why are you doing this? It's ridiculous. It's not necessary.
00:17:26
Speaker
you know, a whole number of things. um And this can also be a dynamic when people provide space or ask somebody their pronouns, they can also respond in this way. um But for if you're doing your own pronouns, like, those are your pronouns. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you can own those, and you get to do whatever you want with them. um So I appreciate it's awkward, but you can have a sense of confidence. Like this is how you've decided to navigate them and you have your own reasons. Now I would look at who's across from me to see what degree of openness they have. Maybe they're puzzled and there's an opportunity to be like, hey, you know, these are the two, three reasons why I share, even though most people make a correct assumption about my pronouns. I want to make things easier for trans folks. I want this to be a part of our culture. I want to um not have people guess ah my pronouns. I want to help with direct information about what they are. you know So a whole list of things just kind of at the ready in case there's an opportunity to share with folks. Because that powerful ah cis to cis you know conversation around pronouns is actually a big deal. And sometimes can it influence folks to be like, oh, I'd never thought about it that way. i want to do that too. Right.
00:18:50
Speaker
And they don't have to, if they don't want to, there's no pressure. Always want to underscore for anyone pronouns, providing pronouns is completely voluntary. I don't want to get a situation where cis people are putting pressure on cis people um because that can be a dynamic um to say you have to provide it because you're in a privileged position. And so there's a bit of a guilt trip that can come. But i'm I'm talking more of a like this is me owning what I am doing. with my pronouns and inspiring folks in case they hadn't thought of all these different aspects. um And then from their own free will um to do it themselves. And that's the dynamic that can be really empowering and kind of permeate throughout a workplace culture. So I would just invite folks to be willing to feel these, um just this level of discomfort. And it's actually not as much as one maybe pre pre plays in one's mind. They're very quick moments. And oftentimes, they're kind of come and go and
00:19:58
Speaker
The more you do it, the more the easier it is to do it, number one, and or to respond to folks, um especially if you have those reasons clarified in your own mind. And, you know, be ready. There'll be people who have their reactions and puzzled or pushing back, but they don't get to tell you what to do, right? You get to decide that.
00:20:24
Speaker
You mentioned a bit earlier as well about other ways of sharing pronouns, not necessarily verbally, but email signatures, social media, directories, places like that. and And how does that experience differ, not necessarily in just pushback, but just more generally, what's the importance
Digital Spaces and Pronoun Visibility
00:20:42
Speaker
of that? Or is there an importance in that?
00:20:44
Speaker
Yeah. As I said, there's like these are all the different options available to folks and everyone will figure out their level of like where they want to place. And this is includes trans and non-binary folks too, right? Some people are comfortable doing interactions. Others want to just indirectly place it elsewhere digitally and have people pick up on it. They don't want to have a big scene or a big moment, even though it's not a big moment. But, you know, still enough times that you have to do that strung together. It's exhausting. So I get it.
00:21:21
Speaker
Similarly, um cisgender folks who are providing their pronouns can decide one or more options. And the digital is more subtle. Not everyone is kind of in the habit of checking places before meeting somebody for the first time or as a refresh to meeting somebody that they haven't seen in a while.
00:21:42
Speaker
to go to these places, to check them. So it's still good to offer them ah as a way to start to develop that. And certainly in our training, we are asking people to be a little bit more conscious that people likely have or could have provided their pronouns and to be looking out for them. And that's where email signature and staff directories, if it's a part of that system, um and also on social media can be a really just, um you know, practical thing, but also a visual thing, right? Because of how it's displayed. um
00:22:19
Speaker
Usually, you know, it's the name and then either in brackets or below, you have the pronouns. And that just makes it not such a big deal again, because it's just there. And it's not as jarring to see it now. I think most people almost gla gloss over it. I mean, they may pay attention for a second be like, okay, he, him, cool, and then carry on, but it doesn't stand out because it's a little bit more widespread.
00:22:48
Speaker
oh the The last question I have for you is one that you did just mention as well, which is um that piece about pronouns not being forced, so that they should always be optional. So I was wondering if we could close by going into that and that yeah reiterating that this is totally optional.
00:23:06
Speaker
So important. i it's You can't say it enough, really, because i because it's a new thing. people and wanting people People definitely coming from a good place of wanting to make sure this gets established. whether they're cis or trans. And so there can be a bit more fervor around it, you know, like sometimes a little bit bordering on insistence. um And that can come in two ways. So one, it's cisgender people kind of putting pressure on other cisgender people to be like, let's go, let's do this, right? That's what I already described. But there can also be cisgender people putting pressure on trans people to provide their pronouns.
00:23:50
Speaker
because they maybe are unsure or they really want to know and they're like, without knowing how am I supposed to interact with you, right? And I mean, I think what they're trying to do is avoid mistakes, which is a good intention, but there's very complex decision making around sharing pronouns because of some of the difficulties that I mentioned. And so for trans and non-binary folks, this can put them in a precarious position. So this kind of insistence on pronouns puts them in a really tough spot. Like they want to respond, but they also don't know if it's safe. And so it's really important to not insist. People, no matter their gender, their history, they get to decide whether or not to share and to respect that decision too. Yeah.
00:24:39
Speaker
You may know somebody as trans or non-binary, others don't. And, um you know, they may be very careful with that information, whether pronouns or sharing gender identity. So definitely not putting pressure on them because we've heard many instances where people are are put in harm's way and not through any ill intention on the person who shared, but just they weren't ready and that went sideways. And so it's just being careful.
00:25:08
Speaker
And um if we put pressure, if cisgender people put pressure on other cisgender people to provide it, it can actually create a backlash that is not experienced by the cis person, but by the trans people that could be in the mix,
Respecting Individual Choices in Pronoun Sharing
00:25:24
Speaker
right? Be like, you're the ones who are causing this. You're the one who insists that, you know, so it's not they don't kind of, um yeah, that that backlash was born by trans and non-binary folks. Because in cisgender people, some cisgender people's minds, this is the the real reason for why pronouns have risen in consciousness. And they're not excited about it. And they're going to, make sure trans people know about that. And that's a really bad place to be. So it's not what inclusive cis folks are after, but these are some of the downstream effects of that insistence between cis people. So just being really careful on that front and inspiring, all good, but insisting is not a good scene, especially for trans folks.
00:26:15
Speaker
Yeah definitely a case of like leading by example rather than forcing people to do something and just from my own experience with this I appreciate that I talk about this on a podcast so it's not a secret that my pronouns are she they but at the same time I don't openly share it all the time either and it very much depends on if I can be bothered to talk about what what's they them about or like you know sometimes I just can't be bothered to have that conversation and so I don't share my pronouns in those cases and I would really prefer not to have somebody try and get it out of me, you know, if I'm deliberately not like it's intentional. So yeah, it can be quite exhausting.
00:26:56
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. And that's such a good point about people don't realize that it's not just the sharing of the pronouns, ah but the education that often accompanies sharing of pronouns. particularly multiple pronouns, people are like, what are you talking about? and so you're then often, i can imagine, forced into the situation of having to educate folks or then saying, I'm not going to educate you and people having reactions to that, right? So it's just like, We've seen this in the research too, like, you know, good 30% of trans and non-binary folks when they share their pronouns are educating.
00:27:36
Speaker
And if you think about every single interaction, like that's just unmanageable amount of time to just have one's pronouns used. And so like you, not everybody is up for that amount of energy expenditure. yeah.
Encouraging Universal Pronoun Engagement
00:27:51
Speaker
Totally get it I think we've covered a lot of really important ground in terms of encouraging folks to share their pronouns if that's you know suitable or appropriate to understand what types of you know values or reasons they're there doing that, um why they're doing that.
00:28:10
Speaker
And I just think very much encourage folks to to give it a try. I think there's something to be said about kind of piloting, if that makes sense, you know. Yeah.
00:28:21
Speaker
Try out the different versions, see the reaction you have within yourself and other people, um you know, try different ways of explaining it, you know, just kind of have an experience with it. And then you'll be able to make decisions that are right for you at the end of the day. And that there's a lot more flexibility than perhaps is talked about in the media or on social media. Like, I think it's, there's a lot of misinformation about pronouns. um One other thing I'll add is that everyone has pronouns. I should have started with that, but.
00:28:56
Speaker
Sometimes people think, oh, only trans people have pronouns. It's like, no, no, no. Everyone has pronouns. It's, you know, how we talk about one another in the third person using she, he, they, and others.
00:29:10
Speaker
And yeah, it's it's okay that we try something new to figure it out how we're going to be together with that type of information. Cool. Thank you so much, Kai.
00:29:22
Speaker
Thank you. See you next week. Bye.