Transcript
Speaker: Are we red eyes?
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Speaker: Welcome back listeners.
Speaker: After a short break of doing good movies that make us happy, we're back with some garbage.
Speaker: It's the Superhero Spectacular.
Speaker: I'm Derek Hasselhoff.
Speaker: I'm Contessa White Person.
Speaker: I'm Jack Fury.
Speaker: Let us rock.
Speaker: Let us roll.
Speaker: Let us roll.
Speaker: Dude, Jack Fury sounds like really gross.
Speaker: I caught him.
Speaker: He was in the middle of Jack Fury.
Speaker: Imagine in school, it's like Fury comma Jack.
Speaker: Just Fury Jack.
Speaker: Who's Fury Jack?
Speaker: No, they can't read.
Speaker: They're like, who's furry, Jack?
Speaker: I mean, I've done an angry masturbation before.
Speaker: So have I. Quite satisfying in the end.
Speaker: It's like hate fucking.
Speaker: Until you start bleeding.
Speaker: I don't have that problem.
Speaker: You've never done it with a sharp object?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: He takes a sex toy if you're horny enough.
Speaker: On that note, welcome back, everybody.
Speaker: As I said at the top, it's superhero spectacular.
Speaker: All month we'll be talking about superhero movies because it's the summer and that's what people do.
Speaker: It's what you used to do.
Speaker: This month, or this week, this week.
Speaker: This episode.
Speaker: This episode, we are discussing the 1998 made-for-TV film Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: What network did this drop on?
Speaker: Fox, I believe.
Speaker: Oh, it looks like a fox.
Speaker: Well, because I never saw it.
Speaker: And we discussed a little bit while watching it.
Speaker: I would have loved this.
Speaker: This was right at the time, like height of my comic book reading, comic book cartoon, watching all these adjacent things.
Speaker: But you were a sophomore, junior in high school when this came out.
Speaker: Yeah, but I was still nine years old mentally.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That hasn't changed.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'm not going to take heat from somebody that loves Power Rangers either.
Speaker: You're not wrong.
Speaker: I'm not giving you heat.
Speaker: I'm not going to take heat from somebody's wife who likes Power Rangers.
Speaker: He was giving you morphine times.
Speaker: Quit throwing that smoke over here.
Speaker: I need a morphine injection.
Speaker: You're going to want to change that phrasing.
Speaker: Anyway, this movie, as I said, well, movie, came out in 1998.
Speaker: We can call it that.
Speaker: I think so.
Speaker: It's rated TV 14.
Speaker: I don't think they were doing TV ratings yet.
Speaker: Were they?
Speaker: This might have been early.
Speaker: This might have been really early.
Speaker: I mean, that could be a retroactive thing that someone just added.
Speaker: No, I remember that shit when I was watching TV.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: And it's exactly 90 minutes long.
Speaker: I wonder why.
Speaker: Perfect.
Speaker: According to IMDb and other sources, it's two hours.
Speaker: But I was like, well, that's the runtime with commercials.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And you can see, I mean, they leave in the commercial break.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Fades.
Speaker: It's funny.
Speaker: I'm like, half hour commercials for an hour and a half movie, that's pretty solid.
Speaker: Uh-huh.
Speaker: Right now, if you get a made-for-TV movie, you watch it on streaming or something, and it's 54 minutes if you're lucky.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: More than half commercials.
Speaker: This was directed by a guy named Rob Hardy, who directed a shitload of TV and TV movies, like one episode of everything you've ever watched.
Speaker: The biggest thing, like the most episodes of anything he did was some neighbors, I think it was.
Speaker: It was like a soap opera kind of thing.
Speaker: Oh, you said Neighbors.
Speaker: Was there a movie called Neighbors?
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That's the one with Seth Rogen and Sexy Boy.
Speaker: The brother, Zac Efron.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: Sexy Boy.
Speaker: But he directed like 20 episodes of that, and I was like, oh, that's pretty solid.
Speaker: And then I looked at the show, and I was like, it has 9,000 episodes.
Speaker: You were there for a cup of coffee.
Speaker: But it was written by a recognizable name, written by David S. Goyer, who... What did he do?
Speaker: His name popped up for me because I just got done binging all season two of Foundation.
Speaker: And when I was watching that, I was like, Goyer, that's a really fucking familiar name.
Speaker: And then Derek filled me in with... So he created Foundation, so he's like the showrunner of that...
Speaker: But he wrote the entire Dark Knight trilogy, all three Blade movies.
Speaker: We won't hold that last one against him.
Speaker: Well, he directed that last one.
Speaker: We will hold that last one against him hard.
Speaker: He wrote it and everybody was like, we're not making this.
Speaker: He's like, I'll direct it.
Speaker: Is that the one with Ryan Reynolds?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: You betcha.
Speaker: I mean look it's got Parker Posey and I still don't like it that's how I know it's a bad movie is that the girl I love Parker Posey I was like who's the girl well Jessica Biel Jessica Biel is also in it and Natasha curly hair Beddingfield Orange is the New Black
Speaker: Oh, it's Natasha Lyonne.
Speaker: Lyonne.
Speaker: She's also in it as well as Patton Oswalt farts around that movie.
Speaker: I do dare say that it's eventually going to be a Don't Touch This Dial.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: But before we do that, Blade 2 is much funner and bad.
Speaker: Blade 2 is bad, but it's funner.
Speaker: Blade 1, on the other hand, is great.
Speaker: I showed that to the bleeps recently because they had never seen it, and they were bored.
Speaker: Well, they were wrong.
Speaker: I think you need to have that nostalgia because this whole time, as we were watching it together, and it's a tight little 90, I think.
Speaker: Like, you're in and out, and I was just loving everything.
Speaker: I look over, and they're like, yeah, I mean, you know, glad I watched it.
Speaker: I mean, roommate loves Blade.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That was her first introduction to Wesley Snipes.
Speaker: It's a lot of people's first introduction.
Speaker: Younger people.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Well, people younger than us.
Speaker: People that didn't watch White Man Can't Jump.
Speaker: Oh, she said she was very disappointed in that.
Speaker: He wiggles his butt like it's the wind.
Speaker: Like the wind, Whitney.
Speaker: Did she watch the reboot first?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So again, her introduction to Wesley Snipes was Blade.
Speaker: And then she sees this and she's like, why is he so skinny?
Speaker: Yeah, I told him to go watch Major League.
Speaker: He did rock up for Blade, though.
Speaker: Yeah, he did.
Speaker: Major League, he's like a 12-year-old.
Speaker: That's true.
Speaker: Willie Mays Haynes.
Speaker: And he was just coming out.
Speaker: That was his breakthrough movie.
Speaker: Yeah, that was his first somewhat major role.
Speaker: He wasn't lead.
Speaker: That was the last time he paid taxes, too.
Speaker: It might have been.
Speaker: Anyway, go on.
Speaker: That's why he did that skydiving movie.
Speaker: He was skydiving to the Cayman Islands to drop off his money.
Speaker: Terminal Velocity?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Drop Zone.
Speaker: No, Drop Zone.
Speaker: I say that every fucking time.
Speaker: We just watched Terminal Velocity.
Speaker: It's like it's Russell Crowe all over again.
Speaker: Terminal Velocity is Charlie Sheen.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: And it's a better movie.
Speaker: Yeah?
Speaker: There's not many times where I'm going to say a Charlie Sheen movie is a better movie than a Wesley Snipes.
Speaker: I almost said Blade.
Speaker: A Wesley Snipes movie.
Speaker: You could say Blade.
Speaker: We could just call him Blade, I think.
Speaker: With respect, we call him Blade.
Speaker: I call him Daddy.
Speaker: You can call him whatever you want.
Speaker: But let's not get too excited about David Esquire's good things like the Dark Knight trilogy, because he also wrote Ghost Rider, Vengeance, Wheel of Vengeance.
Speaker: Spirit of Vengeance.
Speaker: Is that the second one?
Speaker: The second one.
Speaker: Man of Steel.
Speaker: A better movie, by the way.
Speaker: Than this?
Speaker: Than the first one.
Speaker: Oh, okay.
Speaker: Is it?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I never saw the second one.
Speaker: It's not saying much.
Speaker: I'm not trying to defend number two.
Speaker: It's just that two is better than one.
Speaker: I mean, it depends on how you're feeling.
Speaker: I'm trying to watch every Nicolas Cage movie, so there's going to be some stinkers.
Speaker: I'm going to join you on that.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That's like, what, 150?
Speaker: Oh, no.
Speaker: More than that, right?
Speaker: Oh, like starring roles?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Probably around there.
Speaker: Who knows?
Speaker: I'm probably halfway done.
Speaker: But he also wrote Batman vs. Superman, Dawn of Justice, Martha.
Speaker: So he came up with that great name.
Speaker: Your mom is Martha too?
Speaker: That really good piece of... Martha?
Speaker: Martha?
Speaker: Oh, let's not fight anymore.
Speaker: Our moms have the same name.
Speaker: We have the same mom.
Speaker: And they're both dead.
Speaker: I'll never date a girl named Martha.
Speaker: I'm going to ruin that relationship.
Speaker: Martha.
Speaker: Terminator Dark Fate.
Speaker: Terminator Dark Fate.
Speaker: He wrote that.
Speaker: What number is that piece of... Five?
Speaker: It's the one where Arnold Schwarzenegger is like a curtain salesman.
Speaker: Shut...
Speaker: the fuck up he's an aged robot i don't know i i i don't know i don't remember i saw printers and copiers this one's out of toner but he'll like your tone he also helped develop the sandman just the facts bring it back up okay that was good that tv show yeah neil gaiman yeah
Speaker: And he also wrote Death Warrant starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Speaker: So let's bring it back now.
Speaker: Just watch that one.
Speaker: I love it.
Speaker: You can't blame the writing on that.
Speaker: There's some good lines in there.
Speaker: This movie had some good lines.
Speaker: This movie had someone like me just punching up the script, and I'm happy for it.
Speaker: So apparently he wrote this.
Speaker: People have been trying to make a Nick Fury movie since the 80s.
Speaker: Canon was supposed to do it at one point, which I would have loved to see that.
Speaker: It would have been something different.
Speaker: And I think everybody would have known what movie they were in.
Speaker: They had to have just not been able to afford it because they're like, we can't afford that many squibs.
Speaker: I mean, Canon invented squibs.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Yeah, there's lack of blood in this one.
Speaker: Well, TV.
Speaker: Oh, I guess.
Speaker: Fox acquired the rights to this in like 96, and David Goyer wrote the script, and then it was made in 98.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So he had nothing to do with it other than writing the script.
Speaker: And he did not want David Hasselhoff, who is the star of this movie, to be cast in this.
Speaker: He was like, that's terrible.
Speaker: You got anybody that he wanted?
Speaker: No, it just said that he was opposed.
Speaker: A lot of people were opposed to the casting, but Fox was like, no, we need star power.
Speaker: Remember, this is 1998.
Speaker: David Hasselhoff meant star power.
Speaker: I'm surprised they didn't do like a Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to be American.
Speaker: I am Nicholas Holt.
Speaker: Oh, wait, no, Holt.
Speaker: Nick Holt.
Speaker: Oh, no, that's Raymond Holt.
Speaker: Nicholas Holt is the actor from Cat the Great.
Speaker: He was in Renfield.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Anyway.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: He was Renfrew.
Speaker: I just love when they have Jean-Claude Van Damme do any sort of American.
Speaker: Like, he's Guile.
Speaker: I am from New Orleans.
Speaker: I am the American agent warrior named Guile.
Speaker: When they do the Cajun thing, at least they're like, well, he kind of explains.
Speaker: It's a different accent.
Speaker: He sounds foreign.
Speaker: That's close enough.
Speaker: I'm Creole?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But like, yeah, fucking Guile is like the all American.
Speaker: He's the Captain America that comes after he's from the dead center of the United States of America.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I remember before they found Chris Evans to do Captain America, the guy that was he was in everything at one point, but especially Aviator, the Avatar.
Speaker: Goddamn, I'm off today.
Speaker: Oh, the guy that couldn't walk until he was in the thing.
Speaker: What am I blanking on his name?
Speaker: What is his name?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: My phone is over there.
Speaker: But anyway, he's an Australian.
Speaker: And they were like, no, we cannot have an Australian dude playing Captain America.
Speaker: We have to have some sort of home field.
Speaker: So they brought in Russell Crowe.
Speaker: So they brought in Russell Crowe from Scotland.
Speaker: I just got off the set of Gladiator.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'm American.
Speaker: That's America's ass right there.
Speaker: I mean, he played the one we're referencing, Gerard Butler.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Gerard Butler has played an American in a lot of stuff, too.
Speaker: And it's also really funny because you're trying your hardest to hide your accent.
Speaker: All those fallen, Olympus is Fallen and shit like that.
Speaker: Yeah, he's the American.
Speaker: I'm Mike, the American.
Speaker: I'm definitely American.
Speaker: I learned how to speak from Jesse the Body Ventura.
Speaker: He taught me how to hide my accent.
Speaker: Do you like it?
Speaker: I'm actually from Ohio.
Speaker: So this movie was a pilot for a TV miniseries of Nick Fury movies.
Speaker: Flabbergasted to find this out.
Speaker: Five movies?
Speaker: There's supposed to be five more.
Speaker: Five more movies.
Speaker: So six total.
Speaker: There were zero more because the initial broadcast of this movie came in fourth in the Nielsen ratings, which doesn't sound bad.
Speaker: You know, you're a big four, right?
Speaker: What'd you lose to, though?
Speaker: Reruns on every other network.
Speaker: Oh, boy.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Fox at the time especially was generally going to be fourth.
Speaker: NBC just put on Seinfeld best of.
Speaker: Cheers.
Speaker: Friends.
Speaker: In 98?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But it's reruns.
Speaker: They were still doing new ones in 98.
Speaker: Yeah, but they still had- Summertime, maybe.
Speaker: Both of those shows were on syndication while they were also new.
Speaker: I guess I don't have the date of when this was released.
Speaker: I feel like it was a summertime.
Speaker: If it's reruns for something else, it's generally summertime or a holiday season.
Speaker: And this had summer feel, not Christmas feel.
Speaker: This had a summer feel?
Speaker: It did have a summer feel to me.
Speaker: Warm.
Speaker: Get out of my afternoon sun.
Speaker: Hot from the press here, the IMDb Press, May 26th of 1998.
Speaker: So right after the end of the season.
Speaker: The day after Star Wars came out in 77.
Speaker: Interesting.
Speaker: Interesting.
Speaker: So almost to the day, a year before episode one came out.
Speaker: Ooh.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, I heard you guys went to a movie.
Speaker: You guys had a bro date.
Speaker: Yeah, we did.
Speaker: What did you go see?
Speaker: I'm going to let you do it.
Speaker: Go ahead and talk about it.
Speaker: Phantom Menace.
Speaker: And we found the guy that found Jar Jar funny.
Speaker: The one guy.
Speaker: McSqueeze me.
Speaker: So, and I saw...
Speaker: I saw a thing on, I think it was on Threads or something, where someone was talking about they went and saw it, and there was a bunch of kids laughing at Jar Jar, and they're like, this is the point, guys.
Speaker: This is why you shouldn't have hated on it.
Speaker: And we had a kid in our theater who was also laughing at Jar Jar, and nobody ever questioned that, I don't think.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Kids are supposed to find Jar Jar funny.
Speaker: This dude who was our age or slightly older, sitting directly in front of us, could not get enough.
Speaker: Excuse me.
Speaker: I swear to God, he's nudging his kid like, get it?
Speaker: He's supposed to be, excuse me.
Speaker: How high do you think he was?
Speaker: Me?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Six fits who?
Speaker: The gentleman.
Speaker: Like, what drugs was he on?
Speaker: I don't know, but he wouldn't put his fucking phone down.
Speaker: He had his kid, yeah.
Speaker: He even had it in night mode, and it's like, I can still read what you're texting.
Speaker: Dude, and he had the, he has an iPhone and it had the flash.
Speaker: Oh yeah.
Speaker: So his text would go off and the flash.
Speaker: I'm like, bro.
Speaker: Our daughter has that.
Speaker: Silent also means visually silent.
Speaker: Like I know it's a movie we've all seen, but I'm here to see it again.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But it was fun to watch in theaters.
Speaker: Only thing I was disappointed in was by the time we got to the main thing I was there for, which is Jewel of Fates, lightsaber battle.
Speaker: I was having to start to have a little bit of trouble staying awake.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I've seen it too recently, I think was the problem.
Speaker: Was it warm?
Speaker: We should have showed up late.
Speaker: I mean, it was warm-ish, but I've seen it so recently twice for Han Took Shots First.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Han Took Shots First pod.com.
Speaker: Nice.
Speaker: I've seen it twice for that.
Speaker: So I think I was like too close.
Speaker: Too close.
Speaker: They also served a comically large bucket of popcorn.
Speaker: Oh, I mean, like I ordered the large expecting to take some home.
Speaker: I could have gotten in this thing and ridden down a river.
Speaker: Oh, is this the thing with the lid?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It was a barrel.
Speaker: I when I got it because I buy I bought a large to give the rest to my wife.
Speaker: See, that's my thing, except for I don't have a wife.
Speaker: It's for me when I wake up drunk.
Speaker: Same thing, though.
Speaker: I leave out little treats for them.
Speaker: I'll do that all the time.
Speaker: Shit, when I was going to the theater and doing the Oscar marathon, I'm there to watch three movies.
Speaker: I buy a large.
Speaker: By the time I'm leaving, I've got a half a bag of popcorn still to give her.
Speaker: I don't eat that much popcorn.
Speaker: I should have shared, because I noticed at one point all three of us do this, where you get your fill and you move the popcorn away, and then like 10 seconds later, you're just like, well, now it's a little bit too far away.
Speaker: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Speaker: Anyway, that has nothing to do with this movie because this movie didn't come out in theaters.
Speaker: No, it did not.
Speaker: It was released on DVD once.
Speaker: Candy's really excited.
Speaker: She was happy to find out it was on DVD.
Speaker: Yeah!
Speaker: 2008, it was released as a Best Buy exclusive on Standard Definition DVD.
Speaker: Is that when you got this?
Speaker: No, I got this from a questionable website.
Speaker: Allegedly.
Speaker: Well, this DVD fell off the back of a truck.
Speaker: I mean, OK, I heard I'm pretty sure this is a bootleg thing, but I did not know that when I purchased it.
Speaker: I found this website that had a lot of really hard to find movies that had maybe been on DVD once or whatever.
Speaker: And I was like, oh, these guys have them.
Speaker: And like I thought maybe it was like a really small budget, like boutique label kind of thing like I do, like I usually buy from.
Speaker: And they just picked up the shit no one wanted for scraps.
Speaker: So I ordered like 10 movies from them and I got them.
Speaker: Some Cynthia Rothrock stuff that was on disc, you know, so I was super excited.
Speaker: Popped the first one in.
Speaker: I was like, this is an MP4 downloaded off of some illegal site that has been burned to this disc and it looks like garbage.
Speaker: So this one, I told Jack, I was like, this might be the movie we're doing.
Speaker: I'm going to put it in first and make sure we can watch it.
Speaker: And I'm glad you did because if this would have been the plan and it just started as that absolute garbage like you're talking about, what did we see?
Speaker: Or someone with a video camera in a theater.
Speaker: What the fuck was Treat Williams?
Speaker: Oh, Night of the Sharks.
Speaker: Night of the Sharks, dude.
Speaker: That's one of the roughest ones we've had to watch, and it's not the roughest movie.
Speaker: It was just the roughest to physically watch.
Speaker: And what I would have done if this was that bad and I hadn't already checked it,
Speaker: as I would have done what I would have done for Night of the Sharks if we didn't already have a guest coming on, is I would have just been like, guess what, guys?
Speaker: Pivot.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: We're finding a different movie right now.
Speaker: Pivot!
Speaker: Pivot!
Speaker: Pivot!
Speaker: I got a shelf full of movies.
Speaker: There's a superhero movie up here we can watch.
Speaker: We need a spinny wheel.
Speaker: Just loaded up with garbage that I have on my shelf.
Speaker: We just make it a dry erase.
Speaker: I know, but I mean, like, the titles.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: I have a spinning wheel at work that I can bring, and we can actually do something like this.
Speaker: Spinning wheel with a dry erase board on it.
Speaker: Anyway, let's get to the tale of the tape.
Speaker: Runtime.
Speaker: Tight 90 minutes.
Speaker: Tight 90 minutes.
Speaker: Starts with a dead body in cryogenic freeze for some reason.
Speaker: Because.
Speaker: Let's store a dead body.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, we find out why.
Speaker: It's Baron Wolfgang von Strucker.
Speaker: Von Strucker.
Speaker: who is a traditional McFury bad guy.
Speaker: The head of Hydra.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Although in this, he's basically the Crypt Keeper.
Speaker: And he's never been that old in the comics, but you know, whatever.
Speaker: Also, his daughter's like 21.
Speaker: But I mean, Steve Martin was 80 years old when he got a lady pregnant.
Speaker: I mean, he doesn't have to be young.
Speaker: Well, Whitney did ask, how is that guy her daughter?
Speaker: And my simple answer was Nazi science.
Speaker: Nazi science.
Speaker: Or I have a child bride.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But she could get it.
Speaker: Oh, that girl was gorgeous.
Speaker: We'll get to her here shortly.
Speaker: Very shortly.
Speaker: So, yeah, there's some dude guarding the body.
Speaker: Turns out his name is Glenn.
Speaker: What the fuck was this guy's name?
Speaker: Clay.
Speaker: Clay.
Speaker: Clay?
Speaker: Clay.
Speaker: And he's good buddies with Nick Fury.
Speaker: And unfortunately for Hydra, they murder him.
Speaker: I thought it was the intro we did earlier.
Speaker: It's kind of great because he's got his back to a wall kind of thing.
Speaker: And he sees a bunch of Hydra agents come and he's like, let was it?
Speaker: Let us rock.
Speaker: Let us roll.
Speaker: And he just starts like, bah, bah, bah.
Speaker: But I did find it funny because we don't know what's going on when he's talking to her and he's like, Nick, take care of her.
Speaker: Why are you telling her, the girl that killed you, to give a message to Nick?
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: But then we find out very shortly.
Speaker: He's got camera in his eyeball.
Speaker: He's got camera eyes.
Speaker: So would that be Chekhov's eyeball?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's later in the movie.
Speaker: Yeah, Chekhov's eyeball's here.
Speaker: It's just not these ones.
Speaker: And the people infiltrating are Hydra, and it's led by Andrea von Strucker, who for most of the movie is referred to as Viper, who is a Hydra villain.
Speaker: She did not do her cardio.
Speaker: She is out of breath, delivering every scene.
Speaker: Or she's just super fucking turned on.
Speaker: She's super horned up.
Speaker: Oh my god, you're dying.
Speaker: You see that Hasselhoff chest hair?
Speaker: We don't really see much of the chest hair.
Speaker: I was a little disappointed.
Speaker: It's unbuttoned.
Speaker: You really got to look.
Speaker: He's got that neck high leather most removing.
Speaker: Dude, his LMG was hairless.
Speaker: His LMG?
Speaker: LMG.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: His light machine gun.
Speaker: It should be hairless.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: And today was like...
Speaker: I know you've told me what it is.
Speaker: LMD is a life model decoy.
Speaker: Boom.
Speaker: Got it.
Speaker: Bingo.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm so good.
Speaker: I always said LND.
Speaker: Life and death.
Speaker: I didn't always.
Speaker: I worked in hospital.
Speaker: LND.
Speaker: LND's calling LND.
Speaker: So LND just runs off my mouth a lot easier than MD.
Speaker: That's for a life nude decoy?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Little naked dum-dum.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: She is played by a woman named Sandra Hess, who would be most known by two-thirds of us sitting in this room as the Timu version of Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat Annihilation.
Speaker: Yeah, the follow-up.
Speaker: Not Veronica Vaughn, but the follow-up.
Speaker: Also, she is briefly an Encino man.
Speaker: Yes, she is one of the- She's Betty Nugs.
Speaker: She's the thought-out cave girl.
Speaker: Yeah, cave Nugs is how she was credited.
Speaker: Is it cave Nugs?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, beautiful.
Speaker: Betty Nugs.
Speaker: Betty Nugs.
Speaker: Love that movie.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: She's a storied actress.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: She's gorgeous.
Speaker: I don't know how she didn't get more work.
Speaker: She's not a great actress.
Speaker: TV's there.
Speaker: It's right there.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: She could have been on Melrose.
Speaker: I mean, she had, I didn't obviously write everything down, but I want to say she only had like 39, 40 roles.
Speaker: And we see it a little bit in this more so in Mortal Kombat Annihilation.
Speaker: She can fight just fine.
Speaker: I mean, it doesn't look bad.
Speaker: It doesn't look like if you taught me how to fight in one day, it's going to be noticeable.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: You know, like I can't spin kick and not fall down.
Speaker: She had those spin kicks.
Speaker: She was spinning kicking and then spinning kicking again.
Speaker: And scissor kicks.
Speaker: And scissor, too, scissor her timbers.
Speaker: She could scissor me any day.
Speaker: If you're listening, I'm available.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Sandra Hess, if you're listening to us, make fun of you.
Speaker: Yeah, if you are listening, just stop by sometime.
Speaker: We love you.
Speaker: You were good.
Speaker: You were good in this.
Speaker: You were bad, but you were good.
Speaker: I think for what we're watching, it was perfect.
Speaker: It wasn't good, but I felt like her and Hasselhoff, which I started saying earlier, Goyer was saying that he didn't want Hasselhoff, but Hasselhoff got it.
Speaker: I feel like she got it too.
Speaker: They're both being so over the top.
Speaker: That's what I was thinking.
Speaker: And that's what we were expecting.
Speaker: And at first, I disagreed with you.
Speaker: I was like, no, she's just not good.
Speaker: But as it went on and we got a lot more of her, it's like, no, she's being a crazy German Nazi villain.
Speaker: She's born in Switzerland.
Speaker: The actress.
Speaker: Is she?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So, I mean, I think this accent is her doing like an impersonation of her grandma or grandpa.
Speaker: Oh, there you go.
Speaker: You know, like just a caricature of them.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Because it is, it is.
Speaker: She's like, my grandpa was in the war.
Speaker: Don't ask what site.
Speaker: He died.
Speaker: Oh, I did Russian.
Speaker: He died in the war.
Speaker: He died in the war.
Speaker: Which side?
Speaker: I'm not telling.
Speaker: Oh, I know what side.
Speaker: Let's just say he fell off a wall.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: Guard duty.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: No, but that's why people like Switzerland has always just been like, nope, we're Switzerland.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: We're not.
Speaker: Sometimes you got to take a stand.
Speaker: I mean, I don't disagree with you.
Speaker: Sometimes you guys take a stand.
Speaker: I don't disagree with you.
Speaker: Sometimes.
Speaker: Sometimes.
Speaker: Sometimes.
Speaker: Sometimes there's a man.
Speaker: I'm not picking up what you're putting down.
Speaker: Now I'm just doing Big Lebowski.
Speaker: Yeah, I think that's what he was doing.
Speaker: Fuck it, dude.
Speaker: Let's go bowling.
Speaker: All right, fuck it.
Speaker: Peace out.
Speaker: Yeah, no.
Speaker: Hasselhoff especially gets this because there are a lot of cigar chomping one-liners and creative ways of not saying asshole.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Specifically back ends of people.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Not calling them an asshole.
Speaker: He did say one was shove it up your hoo-ha!
Speaker: There was a point where he said something about missiles going up their exhaust.
Speaker: You know, you can all shove it up your collective end zones.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: That's coming right up here.
Speaker: And that's one of my favorite ones.
Speaker: That might be my favorite.
Speaker: That set the tone right away where I had so much fun watching this.
Speaker: When I, I dude, what did I say when I got here?
Speaker: So giddy.
Speaker: Holy fuck.
Speaker: What did I say when I got here, though?
Speaker: We have to make cocktails.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Because too many times with these movies, we get halfway through, we're like, pause, like, dude, I need a fucking drink to stay awake.
Speaker: I was worried we were going Doctor Strange on this one.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Because TV pilot, you know.
Speaker: I thought Doctor Strange.
Speaker: You did make some delightful gin and sodas, babe.
Speaker: Oh, they're okay.
Speaker: It's actually this fucking hoppy refresher.
Speaker: It's delightful.
Speaker: It is delightful.
Speaker: I liked it.
Speaker: Thanks, partner.
Speaker: And what was this gin we're using?
Speaker: Roku?
Speaker: Roku.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It's Japanese for six, I believe.
Speaker: I don't care.
Speaker: Fucking love it.
Speaker: Or horn.
Speaker: It's Japanese for streaming television.
Speaker: Ooh.
Speaker: Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Speaker: But anyway, so Nick Fury is hiding in the Yukon because this whole thing's made in Canada, so why not have him be in Canada?
Speaker: It's made in Canada.
Speaker: There's a guy named Rob Canada.
Speaker: Is the 90s when we kind of moved to Canada?
Speaker: Well, the 90s, especially late 90s, a lot of TV.
Speaker: It was just cheaper.
Speaker: Mostly TV was Canada.
Speaker: Vancouver specifically.
Speaker: Because it looks more like.
Speaker: There's a lot of people waiting to work.
Speaker: And I think you have a lot of Americans who don't recognize that landscape nearly as much.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Where you're trying to be somewhere very, very different.
Speaker: Not that this movie's doing that, but sometimes it's like, oh, we're trying to do a different country.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And you don't look and go, no, that's Canada.
Speaker: Most of this movie is indoors, so it's sound stages, but the outdoor stuff is just like nondescript forest.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But they did set it right in the Yukon.
Speaker: What the fuck is he doing right here, by the way?
Speaker: When we see him.
Speaker: He's picking a stone wall.
Speaker: But like he's not even stone, it's concrete.
Speaker: And he's not trying to get anywhere.
Speaker: He's just literally bored and hitting a wall to pick.
Speaker: He's working out.
Speaker: My friend, you're going to get a cave-in working out.
Speaker: Go outside.
Speaker: So he's been hiding here.
Speaker: Find some random fucking rockets.
Speaker: Maybe he's Rambo-ing.
Speaker: He's trying to dig fucking tunnels.
Speaker: But there's a tunnel on the other side already.
Speaker: He's making a fucking third doorway.
Speaker: He's making more tunnels.
Speaker: He's bored.
Speaker: He's been hiding here since the Iron Curtain was sent to dry cleaning or something, I think is what he says later on.
Speaker: He's trying to do one of those house fix-em-up shows.
Speaker: It's demo day.
Speaker: I've been doing this wall for eight years.
Speaker: Oh, what does this sign say?
Speaker: Read this carefully.
Speaker: You better have a damn good reason for knocking on this door.
Speaker: Oh, I love it.
Speaker: We are putting that up on our door.
Speaker: And I want another sign pointing to it saying, read this.
Speaker: Just like he has.
Speaker: Need that.
Speaker: So it's Nick Fury played by, as we mentioned, David Hasselhoff, which I'm sure everybody is familiar with.
Speaker: Baywatch, Knight Rider, Internet videos where he's eating cheeseburgers on the floor.
Speaker: Guardians of the Galaxy 2.
Speaker: Yeah, Guardians of the Galaxy 2.
Speaker: He also did a song for an awesome short film called Kung Fury, which I would highly recommend everybody go to YouTube and watch.
Speaker: It's available.
Speaker: Just his song?
Speaker: Legally.
Speaker: No, no, no.
Speaker: The movie.
Speaker: Oh, okay.
Speaker: It's awesome.
Speaker: Anyway, it's fun.
Speaker: It's stupid.
Speaker: I like stupid.
Speaker: There's a guy who surfs back through time because of a hacker and then fights, Kung Fu fights Hitler, who is titled in the movie as Kung Fuhrer.
Speaker: Jesus Christ.
Speaker: Jesus Christ.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: There's layers.
Speaker: There's like a bean dip.
Speaker: So many layers to that.
Speaker: He also fights, I think, Odin on the back of a dinosaur.
Speaker: Anyway, Nick Fury is in this movie.
Speaker: Odin is on the back of a dinosaur?
Speaker: No, no, no.
Speaker: The guy's on the back of the dinosaur fighting Odin.
Speaker: So he's digging Rambo tunnels for some reason.
Speaker: Like you said, there's already tunnels here.
Speaker: It's an old mine is what it is.
Speaker: I think it's supposed to be one of these things of like, I don't know, dude, like Karate Kid 2, how he's chopping that same piece of wood, not getting anywhere.
Speaker: It's supposed to be that kind of thing.
Speaker: You think?
Speaker: Yeah, I'm just frustrated mindlessly working, but it's just so stupidly set up.
Speaker: Well, he's got nothing to do.
Speaker: He's living in a fucking abandoned mine in Canada.
Speaker: He's like, I can't get TV up here.
Speaker: Fucking start brewing or making liquor.
Speaker: He's got a hooch fucking factory in the back there.
Speaker: Then you're fine.
Speaker: Listen to some old records.
Speaker: They broke into here and found him because they were like, follow the smell of homemade gin.
Speaker: It's just grain liquor and pine tree fucking needles from nearby.
Speaker: It's not even gin.
Speaker: It's just that.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: Pine vodka And the guy who finds him is Alexander Pierce Who is a character we've seen in the MCU But not this version of him Yeah we saw Robert Redford sexy style Yes Robert Redford is playing him as a Senator or the head of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: I don't remember in Captain America Winter Soldier Maybe No because Nick Fury is still director
Speaker: So he's a senator that's helping S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: But he went on the lam.
Speaker: Didn't he?
Speaker: Winter Soldier is the one where they reveal that Hydra has always been part of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: But he was supposed to be dead.
Speaker: And that's where Nick Fury goes on the lam.
Speaker: Did Nick Fury get dead?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Coulson got dead in the first Avengers.
Speaker: Nick Fury was still around.
Speaker: I know, but didn't... He was asking the wrong person.
Speaker: He got shot by Winter Soldier and then they said that he died.
Speaker: Maybe.
Speaker: And they kept him dead.
Speaker: dead until the very end and then he kept opened his eye patch like i got my eye on you something like that no he's more in that movie but he might have been it doesn't matter he's played by robert redford there but here he's played by some british dude named neil roberts oh but he's a warlock yeah
Speaker: He is a warlock.
Speaker: He is a warlock in Charmed.
Speaker: Whitney immediately was like, I know this guy.
Speaker: And my first response was, you're going to know all these character actors.
Speaker: This is Canada.
Speaker: You watch a lot of WB slash CW.
Speaker: I do.
Speaker: Slash sci-fi.
Speaker: They're all from Canada.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: But this guy was featured in six episodes of Charmed.
Speaker: Where he was a warlock and it's in the first season of Charmed.
Speaker: Which Whitney just watched.
Speaker: It's like the first six episodes.
Speaker: It just made me laugh.
Speaker: Oh, I know him.
Speaker: He's a warlock.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That's when Jack said, what the fuck is my life?
Speaker: Because that's just a normal conversation.
Speaker: It was like no one questioned it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: You just said it so easily.
Speaker: He's a warlock.
Speaker: Oh, okay.
Speaker: Hey guys, after this episode, I really kind of want to go out and get a beer.
Speaker: What are you thinking?
Speaker: I mean, okay, look, the thing is, I deal with beer so much in my life.
Speaker: I want something else.
Speaker: I'm fine with beer, but I want like a stiff cocktail or a nice glass of whiskey.
Speaker: You know, the music box is just down the way and you can get an awesome cocktail or they even have like Tombstone and other great beers on tap.
Speaker: Music box?
Speaker: Where would I find that?
Speaker: Oh, you mean the music box at 69 51 East 22nd Street in Tucson, Arizona.
Speaker: Right down there at 22nd and Cole.
Speaker: Yeah, they've got a great selection of whiskey, gin, tequila, mezcal, other spirits.
Speaker: Ooh, sometimes they have like pudding shots and jello shots.
Speaker: You're putting me on.
Speaker: And depending on the night of the week, we can get karaoke, live music.
Speaker: It's great.
Speaker: Ooh, unhappy hour.
Speaker: Oh, it's Wednesday.
Speaker: It's unhappy hour.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'm in.
Speaker: You guys are selling me.
Speaker: Let's go to the Music Box Lounge right now.
Speaker: Let's go.
Speaker: Sharks of the Corn?
Speaker: Virus Shark?
Speaker: Cocaine Shark?
Speaker: Sharktopus?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Those are all real movies.
Speaker: Join me, Steve Coates, as each week I take a comedic look at the bizarre world of shark-sploitation cinema on Bucket of Chum, the shark movie podcast.
Speaker: Anyway, they're coming to take him away in a hover plane.
Speaker: This is when he says, because Alexander Pierce is like, hey, you have to come with us.
Speaker: You've been reactivated or whatever.
Speaker: And he says, tell S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: to shove it up their collective end zones.
Speaker: And now we know what we're in for.
Speaker: This is setting the pace.
Speaker: It's setting the tone.
Speaker: And the hover plane comes down.
Speaker: On the plane is Contessa.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: She's credited as Contessa Valentina de Allegra Fontaine.
Speaker: That's a lot.
Speaker: It bothers me as a comic book fan.
Speaker: It's a small thing.
Speaker: But the name makes no sense because it's Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine, which would be like Allegra of Fontaine, not of Allegra Fontaine.
Speaker: Anyway.
Speaker: It's annoying, but that's me.
Speaker: And she is played by Lisa Renner, who some people may know from her copious roles in Days of Our Lives.
Speaker: 600 plus episodes of that.
Speaker: Woo!
Speaker: Which is like, what, one season?
Speaker: So she was actually, no, it's two because it's 300.
Speaker: It's two seasons because 100 days a year, 100% of the year is what I meant to say.
Speaker: Jesus Christ, is it really?
Speaker: I don't think they, well, they don't do weekends.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, no.
Speaker: So five days a week, though?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Maybe three or four years.
Speaker: If you get on a soap, dude, you're good.
Speaker: So I didn't recognize her name by any means, but as soon as I saw her, I was like, oh, yeah, she's that trashy soap lady.
Speaker: Yeah, she's in Melrose Place for a bunch.
Speaker: She was like 18.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Speaking of her being a MILF, anybody who watched Community might recognize her because she is one episode of that show.
Speaker: But it's one of the most annoying episodes where all these high school kids are showing up to the college to check it out before they go, even though I don't think they do that with community colleges.
Speaker: I don't think so.
Speaker: And these little annoying high school kids keep calling our main characters Schmitty because they think it's funny and none of the adults get it.
Speaker: And that's the kind of the joke of the episode.
Speaker: And it's very annoying.
Speaker: But then Jeff, what the fuck's his name?
Speaker: Joel McHale.
Speaker: Joel McHale ends up fucking that kid's mom to get revenge.
Speaker: His mom is Lisa Rinna.
Speaker: I mean, ultimate revenge, dude.
Speaker: Fucked your mom.
Speaker: Yep, exactly.
Speaker: Annoying episode.
Speaker: I'll watch it every time.
Speaker: There's no comeback for that except for on hers.
Speaker: If you do it right.
Speaker: You got to come back for that because your mom does.
Speaker: I'm okay with that.
Speaker: Anyway, he mentions, he says something to Pierce about, oh yeah, Allegra, she's an old expert in the sexpionage game.
Speaker: Sexpionage.
Speaker: Nah, well, you know.
Speaker: I mean, she looks like she invented it.
Speaker: She does.
Speaker: She's a honeypot.
Speaker: She could be a James Bond villain.
Speaker: A thousand percent.
Speaker: Well, with her acting, probably Austin Powers.
Speaker: Her name wouldn't be clever.
Speaker: Like, what's your name?
Speaker: Vagina Lips.
Speaker: Vagina Lips.
Speaker: Well, I mean, to be fair, a lot of those James Bond names aren't there.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Vagina lips.
Speaker: She's Russian.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It's vagina lips with two Ps.
Speaker: Vagina bocas.
Speaker: Clitor.
Speaker: Clitoris.
Speaker: I do like, he says, I think Pierce is the one who says, it looks like Hydra's trying to send you a message.
Speaker: Or no, she says that because they're trying to recruit him and they're like, you have to come with us or we're going to kill you or whatever.
Speaker: Oh yeah.
Speaker: Clay's dead.
Speaker: Oh, that's right.
Speaker: It looks like Hydra is trying to send you a message.
Speaker: Did I say Hydra or did I say Shield?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: You said Hydra.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: We've drank during the movie.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: We did?
Speaker: Looks like Hydra is trying to send you a message.
Speaker: Looks like I got it.
Speaker: Now, when he says this, you have to imagine him staring just down the lens, the barrel of a lens.
Speaker: With one eye.
Speaker: With one eye and that cigar chomping.
Speaker: I mean, I said it while watching.
Speaker: He believes him.
Speaker: He does believe him.
Speaker: He thinks that he is this badass.
Speaker: He a thousand percent is Nick Fury.
Speaker: And it makes it better that he believes it.
Speaker: And I will say, and I love Sam Jackson, and I really am not one of those people who gives a shit about if somebody gets turned black or gay or whatever.
Speaker: No, if the card's right, it's right.
Speaker: Because I don't give a shit because it has nothing to do with the character.
Speaker: But this guy looks David Hasselhoff right now.
Speaker: And they did, I think they salt and peppered him up a little bit.
Speaker: But there's a little bit in there, and I don't think he was quite there yet.
Speaker: Well, if he was there, he's not letting it show on purpose.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I don't think so.
Speaker: I think they just didn't dye him up.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: Just let your salt and pepper show, dude.
Speaker: He's like, no, you're going to dye it and then put the gray in.
Speaker: I need you to put a box of gray dye in my trash can.
Speaker: I need this.
Speaker: If anybody sees these grays, I need to show them an empty box of gray dye.
Speaker: But he is a dead ringer for Nick Fury in the comic books.
Speaker: He really is.
Speaker: Up until a certain point.
Speaker: When Derek and I first started dating...
Speaker: We got an apartment.
Speaker: So like a year and a half after we started dating, we got an apartment together.
Speaker: And when he was away, I put up like his he's got these vinyl poster things.
Speaker: big six foot vinyl posters of comic books i was really hoping you were gonna say a fat head of the nick fury they're six by by two six foot by two foot big old banners david hasselhoff looks like the nick fury in each of those the other one he had was the spider verse hell yeah i will say well it was spider-man in the middle and then just his rogues gallery of villains for the other six feet
Speaker: Which, Spider-Man is my favorite comic book character, mostly because he has the best rogues gallery.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Amazing villains.
Speaker: Yeah, the funnest.
Speaker: Don't believe any of those Sony movies, no matter how much they could try to convince you, those are those villains.
Speaker: Don't judge the rhino on Paul Giamatti, man.
Speaker: The fucking rhino, man.
Speaker: The rhino's here!
Speaker: Damn it.
Speaker: But David Hasselhoff demanded to do the movie without the eyepatch.
Speaker: but right before maneuver right when they started shooting he got pink eye so guess what oh that's so awesome so later when he lifts it up and it's all grody that's just his eye oh my god nasty how does a 50 year old man get pink eye i'll tell you how somebody on set somebody on set that's a comic book fan was farting into kleenex and rubbing his eye with it when he slept
Speaker: I really fucking hope to.
Speaker: We're going to get this eye patch on you one way or another.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: No, it was just wiping his ass and just like, oh, boop, boop, boop.
Speaker: It was just David S. Goyer farting on his face while he was asleep.
Speaker: Call this the eye test.
Speaker: There is a little reference to Jack Kirby, which is appreciated because he never gets any recognition.
Speaker: Alexander Pierce mentions graduating top of his class from the Kirby Academy.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That makes up for all the money he lost out on.
Speaker: Yeah, for dying destitute because Stan Lee took all his money.
Speaker: But, you know, it's something.
Speaker: But Stan Lee was a producer on this, so... Well, Stan Lee is going to be credited as a producer on any Marvel thing because he's... That was probably an excellent deal.
Speaker: In his contract?
Speaker: Did you guys see a thing recently that... No.
Speaker: Marvel just signed a deal, I'm sure with his estate because his kids were trying to steal his money while he was old and dying, to include Stan Lee with cameos in future Marvel movies as an AI...
Speaker: Oh man.
Speaker: Of course his kid.
Speaker: I mean, I don't know how I feel about that.
Speaker: Like his kids are scummy.
Speaker: So I think they're doing it for the wrong reasons.
Speaker: Part of me would be like, well, I get to see my dad, you know, still acting and stuff like that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So I'm torn on it because I feel like he would, Stan Lee probably would like to have seen himself as that at some point.
Speaker: A lot of people hated his cameos.
Speaker: I usually found them endearing.
Speaker: My favorite one was Captain Marvel when he's reading the script for Mallrats on the bus.
Speaker: That's the second best one.
Speaker: What's your best?
Speaker: What's your favorite?
Speaker: Is this a Tony Stank?
Speaker: The Mallrats one is better.
Speaker: I just like when he says Tony Stank.
Speaker: i just that really got me because it's in the 90s and he's sitting on the bus reading his fucking mall rat script because in the 90s stanley would be sitting on the bus yeah because marvel was not doing well so it's funny that is funny just think when they sold to uh sony those characters well mostly spider-man they had an offer for all of them like all of marvel characters and somebody sony was like no we're not going to take thor he's boring captain america's boring iron man no we'll just take spider-man i hope
Speaker: he got fired well but at the time they were those those characters that were used for the early disney movies well actually they weren't even disney yet it was marvel marvel yeah separate thing they were not top tier characters not at all not even close i mean i found thor to be one of those boring characters ever i didn't read comics so yeah yeah at that point i mean in the 90s captain america became a werewolf for a while so you can see where they care how much they cared about that what
Speaker: So that's cool.
Speaker: So anyway, they get to the helicarrier.
Speaker: We didn't mention the CG for this helicarrier and the whatever ship they're using.
Speaker: I think it's supposed to be a Quinjet.
Speaker: I guess, yeah, it would be a Quinjet.
Speaker: It's not good.
Speaker: But it's also my favorite thing.
Speaker: I was watching it going, 1998 TV movie.
Speaker: If I tuned into this, I'd be like, holy shit, that's the helicarrier.
Speaker: That's what I'm saying.
Speaker: This is before any big comic book movie.
Speaker: X-Men are not there yet.
Speaker: We're a couple years out from X-Men.
Speaker: I think the first one was 99 or 2000.
Speaker: Have we done a Spider-Man yet?
Speaker: I don't think we had done a Spider-Man.
Speaker: So this would have been me like, oh man, look at that helicarrier.
Speaker: Oh, that Quinjet's all wrong, but it's still pretty cool to see.
Speaker: The biggest comic book hero movies at this time had been Batman and Batman Returns.
Speaker: Uh-huh.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: this same era i might have been a year or two earlier there's another movie i wanted to do in place of this but we put it on one day and it looked so bad it would make my eyes bleed i don't know if you remember jack it was generation x which was a another fox tv movie oh i do and i was like look i have this saved on my thing and we hit play and immediately turned it off uh-huh it was bad that's rough yeah so there wasn't much going on fox was just like we'll make a movie
Speaker: Basically.
Speaker: We need to put something on there.
Speaker: What was Baywatch on?
Speaker: What channel?
Speaker: I think it was Fox.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: That was a real network.
Speaker: Because Fox wasn't even around in the early 90s.
Speaker: Channel 11, yes it was.
Speaker: No, Fox didn't start until the mid 90s.
Speaker: What was Simpsons on then, son?
Speaker: It's always been on Fox.
Speaker: Was it?
Speaker: Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
Speaker: Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
Speaker: Dun-dun-dun-dun.
Speaker: No, no, no.
Speaker: Anyway.
Speaker: Anyway, I don't know.
Speaker: What do I know about TV?
Speaker: I'm a movie guy.
Speaker: I was a TV girl.
Speaker: Bad movies, not worse television.
Speaker: Although.
Speaker: So they're trying to get there on the helicarrier.
Speaker: They're trying to go up.
Speaker: There's a little funny thing where the elevator is like trying to scan everybody's eyes.
Speaker: And it's like, well, we I think this is Nicholas J. Fury, but I need to scan both eyes.
Speaker: Come on now.
Speaker: Doesn't this thing know I only have one fucking eye and he just basically shoots the panel to make it work like Star Wars?
Speaker: You're smok ing in the fucking elevator.
Speaker: Oh yeah, it detects a fire because he's smoking.
Speaker: Pierce is scrambling.
Speaker: He's a befuddled fucking British feller.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean, he's Giles from fucking Buffy or actually gets more.
Speaker: The other guy.
Speaker: Yeah, the other guy.
Speaker: Yeah, the other British guy.
Speaker: The one that's on Angel.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: It doesn't matter.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Wesley.
Speaker: Wesley, yes.
Speaker: Bumbling Britishman.
Speaker: It's a great late 90s thing in American television, right?
Speaker: Bumbling Britishman.
Speaker: Well, you also have Hugh Grant made a fucking pretty good career out of that in movies.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Notting Hill.
Speaker: I'm just so befriend and charming, isn't it?
Speaker: I'm just, I'm falling over my words, but I love you.
Speaker: He did have great eyes, though.
Speaker: $20 million.
Speaker: $20 million.
Speaker: But yeah, he shoots the panel and makes it work like Star Wars.
Speaker: Sometimes it works.
Speaker: It's like sometimes shooting the panel opens the doors.
Speaker: Sometimes it closes.
Speaker: Whatever you need.
Speaker: It's plot armor.
Speaker: It's whatever you need.
Speaker: It's plot electronics.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And they go up and they meet the deputy director, maybe.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: But it's this guy, Gary Clark, who is playing Timothy, apparently.
Speaker: Dumb, dumb, do.
Speaker: Gary.
Speaker: Not Gary Clark.
Speaker: Gary.
Speaker: Chalk.
Speaker: Gary.
Speaker: Chalk.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: He's playing Dum-Dum Dugan, who we also saw in the first Captain America movie.
Speaker: He's the ginger with the mustache and the bowler hat.
Speaker: He was a member of the Howling Commandos.
Speaker: In this, he's Gary Chalk.
Speaker: But they are not calling him Dum-Dum.
Speaker: Nope.
Speaker: Just him.
Speaker: Which I really wish they would have kept in Dum-Dum for not only comic book continuity, but also it just would have been a great back and forth.
Speaker: Later in this movie, when every other word Lisa Rinna says is Tim, she could have just been like, well, just tell me where the truck is, Dum-Dum.
Speaker: We're following him right now, Dum-Dum.
Speaker: Signal incoming, dum-dum.
Speaker: It would also help with her fucking frustration with him at this point.
Speaker: She's like, yes!
Speaker: What if he would have had a death scene?
Speaker: Don't you die on me, dum-dum.
Speaker: That would have been better.
Speaker: Stay with me, dum-dum.
Speaker: Oh, no, that's for the second movie.
Speaker: I can't feel my legs, dum-dum.
Speaker: But yeah, this guy, Gary Chalk, he's a character actor and voice actor.
Speaker: 441 credits.
Speaker: I looked to see what I would know him from and didn't have the time.
Speaker: I can throw in a couple because I scrolled through this guy's whole thing.
Speaker: And I mean, there's a lot I recognized like show wise.
Speaker: 400 plus to keep scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.
Speaker: And it's one of those things where I'm looking at shows going, that might be it too.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But he was recently in, well, recently for us in Godzilla 2014.
Speaker: He was Bryan Cranston's boss.
Speaker: At the nuclear power plant.
Speaker: So he's the one that's like, you know, don't go down there or whatever.
Speaker: I know my brain got stuck to Simpsons again when you said nuclear.
Speaker: Nuclear.
Speaker: It's nuclear.
Speaker: I cannot say that word.
Speaker: Well, Homer will correct you no matter what.
Speaker: Nuclear.
Speaker: Nuclear.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm an asshole.
Speaker: I'll correct you and make a family guy joke.
Speaker: It's nuclear, dummy.
Speaker: The S is silent.
Speaker: Oh, I know.
Speaker: He was in Stargate SG-1 for a short run.
Speaker: That might be part of it, too.
Speaker: He played the sheriff in Freddy vs. Jason, which helps for me.
Speaker: So I really like the movie Stargate.
Speaker: I did not get on board with the series.
Speaker: Oh, you're not supposed to.
Speaker: They're terrible.
Speaker: Oh, SG-1 is awesomely bad.
Speaker: Atlantis is pretty awesomely bad, too.
Speaker: I never got that far.
Speaker: It's pretty awesome.
Speaker: He's got Richard Kind.
Speaker: Who's the one that has the future?
Speaker: I have Yabba!
Speaker: MacGyver?
Speaker: Who's the one with Jag?
Speaker: Oh, is it MacGyver?
Speaker: It's MacGyver.
Speaker: The guy from MacGyver is in SG-1.
Speaker: I swear to God, the guy from Jag isn't one of them.
Speaker: I'm sure he is.
Speaker: Canada, baby.
Speaker: So back to this real quick.
Speaker: Gary Chalk, I would be shocked if he's not an episode of Renegade.
Speaker: Probably.
Speaker: I didn't go detailed.
Speaker: No, no, no.
Speaker: I'm not saying you should.
Speaker: I'm just saying I will see him again when I'm rewatching Renegade.
Speaker: But he did some voices.
Speaker: He was he did a voice.
Speaker: He was the voice of Optimus Primal in the Beast Wars cartoon.
Speaker: Oh, the really, really bad CG Beast Wars cartoon.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: But I recognized him from a bunch of stuff.
Speaker: But as soon as I saw that he was in The Fly 2, which is the sequel to the Jeff Goldblum one, and it doesn't have Jeff Goldblum.
Speaker: It's got Eric Stoltz, right?
Speaker: I remembered him.
Speaker: I remembered, yes.
Speaker: It's got Eric Stoltz and Daphne Zuniga.
Speaker: I remembered him when I saw he was in that.
Speaker: I think his character's name is, and you're going to laugh, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.
Speaker: It's something like Grody.
Speaker: Brody?
Speaker: No, it's not Brody.
Speaker: It's something weird.
Speaker: So he's played Dumb Dumb.
Speaker: He's played Grody.
Speaker: It was something dumb, but he's like a head of security guy who gets his back broken by the fly and then gets thrown off of a second floor.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: I honestly you're gonna hate me I've only seen bits and pieces of the fly well don't worry I have a fly collection box set including the three from the 50s and 60s and the two from the 80s don't you worry because I actually have a fly collection I collect other kinds of flies mayflies horse flies fireflies butterflies bow flies that's about all the flies I know
Speaker: Furt flies, house flies, horse flies.
Speaker: Just go full Bubba.
Speaker: I know everything there is to know about flies.
Speaker: Boat flies, horse flies, mayflies, fireflies.
Speaker: I used to go fishing with mayflies.
Speaker: I think that's all of them.
Speaker: That's all of them.
Speaker: But yeah, I remembered him from that once I saw he was in it.
Speaker: I'm like, oh, he's the one who gets his back broken.
Speaker: That's fun.
Speaker: But anyway, he's a guy.
Speaker: You would know him.
Speaker: Trust me.
Speaker: You see him, you'll be like, I do know that guy.
Speaker: I think I'm going to have to look him up later when we're not recording.
Speaker: I just it was while the movie was going on.
Speaker: I was like, I don't have 400 plus scrolls in me right now.
Speaker: No, you don't.
Speaker: He was in the Double Dragon cartoon, I believe, playing multiple characters that have names that he should have been playing.
Speaker: But that's the 90s or 80s.
Speaker: And cartoons.
Speaker: And we also meet Kate, played by a lady named Tracy Waterhouse, not really from anything.
Speaker: I thought I recognized her and I don't.
Speaker: She looks like a sexy version of a female Jay Leno.
Speaker: It's like if Jay Leno had boobs and I wanted to have sex with him.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Dude, yeah.
Speaker: She did not have that fucking moon chin.
Speaker: She had a chin.
Speaker: I mean, she had quite a big chin.
Speaker: Well, no one has a Jay Leno chin other than the actual moon, but she's playing a mind reader.
Speaker: She's pretty.
Speaker: Yeah, she's good.
Speaker: We prefer ESPers.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: es peers like dude i know that maybe they're trying to say like peer like my my friends my peers and we all do esp together but that's not what we're hearing as an audience es peers that's what we're hearing and then the rest of the movie every time someone said esp we're like oh you're gonna esp on my face it was nice to meet you but i actually did my own mind reading i just esp'd myself i have to go
Speaker: When you get a hold of Viper at the end of the movie here, make sure to ESP on her.
Speaker: ESP your face.
Speaker: Be careful, though, because sometimes if you don't use protection, it's going to sting when you ESP.
Speaker: Well, if you start ESPing on too many things, you know who's going to show up.
Speaker: I hope we got a little ESP going on.
Speaker: ESP on the glass table?
Speaker: I'm not talking about ESPN.
Speaker: Wait, someone say ESP on a glass table?
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: How do you do just to golf?
Speaker: You just get your eyes real squinty.
Speaker: I'm into ESPing also.
Speaker: I don't know if I am into ESP, but I would like to keep you in my basement.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Yeah, you can only ESP on me in my basement.
Speaker: I'll ESP on you.
Speaker: You do have to squint your eyes, don't you?
Speaker: Yeah, you do.
Speaker: You can't.
Speaker: I really wish we had a video camera just of the faces we all make, but especially for that fucking impersonation.
Speaker: Like anytime I'm doing Andrew Dice Clay, I have to adjust a tie that's not there.
Speaker: I've seen that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I can just, you know.
Speaker: Because Andrew Dice Clay is kind of Rodney Dangerfield.
Speaker: Oh, hey.
Speaker: Tell me about it.
Speaker: Andrew Dice Clay is a trashier Rodney Dangerfield.
Speaker: How do you do that?
Speaker: Ask Andrew Dice Clay.
Speaker: How do you do that?
Speaker: We meet the new director of S.H.I.E.L.D., Pinsir.
Speaker: I didn't get the guy's name.
Speaker: It's Pinsir.
Speaker: And the last name is something like, it doesn't matter.
Speaker: It was funny.
Speaker: It made me laugh.
Speaker: I don't remember anymore.
Speaker: So it wasn't that funny.
Speaker: And he's talking to Fury about how, you know, he hates him and he wants to get him out of here and he can rest him and whatever.
Speaker: I'm furious.
Speaker: And he's like, you can't get rid of me.
Speaker: And he's like, guys like you tend to cling to the wall no matter how many times you flush.
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: Are you trying to say that he's a piece of shit that won't flush because he's stuck to a wall?
Speaker: Why are you still flushing if he's stuck to a wall?
Speaker: Well, the wall of the toilet.
Speaker: The wall of the toilet?
Speaker: No one's ever called it the wall.
Speaker: Well, what do you call it?
Speaker: A bowl.
Speaker: The bowl.
Speaker: That's where people go ESP.
Speaker: We meet Gabriel Jones.
Speaker: Sorry, I just need a shit myself.
Speaker: We meet Gabriel Jones, who's played by Ron Canada.
Speaker: Gabe Jones.
Speaker: And what did we call him?
Speaker: The Wish.com version of James Earl Jones.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And he's been in a bunch of shit, too.
Speaker: He is.
Speaker: I like this guy.
Speaker: I know why you thought that was funny.
Speaker: The guy's name is Tom McBeath.
Speaker: That's right.
Speaker: But it's not McBeth.
Speaker: It sounds like somebody's saying McBeth as a New Zealander.
Speaker: I want to watch that new McBeath play.
Speaker: It's McBeath.
Speaker: Is he a New Zealander?
Speaker: Oh, I guarantee you he's Canadian.
Speaker: It's Mick.
Speaker: Yeah, dude.
Speaker: No way.
Speaker: And his IMDb photo is like him as a Viking.
Speaker: Oh, he's in Stargate.
Speaker: Of course he is.
Speaker: Canada.
Speaker: Dude, I looked up.
Speaker: I clicked on a few of these people, and a lot of their top credits were Stargate SG-1.
Speaker: He's also in Time Cop.
Speaker: Don't touch that dial.
Speaker: We see the LMD.
Speaker: They're building an LMD, which is life model decoy of Nick Fury, shoving computer chips up its nose and stuff.
Speaker: It's a kind of fun scene of having this very gelatinous gel head that looks nothing like.
Speaker: Yeah, like the latex.
Speaker: They're trying to put the fucking face on.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: And then like he's saying with the chips.
Speaker: Trying to put his face on?
Speaker: Like in face on?
Speaker: You're going to take his face on?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: but they're shoving like chips in his ear and his nose it's a fun cool scene of something that looks nothing like david hasselhoff so basically we end up finding about what's going on here the hydra has the death's head virus which is the most dangerous virus that's ever been known by the way it was in von strucker's body he died from it that's the only reason it was on cryo
Speaker: Yes, okay.
Speaker: But does it make sense why you'd want to save that?
Speaker: Yeah, because S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: was like, we destroyed all of it, except for what's in his body.
Speaker: And that we're keeping safe.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Incinerate this shit.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Send it to the gods.
Speaker: Also, why are they keeping his body on ice?
Speaker: Just fucking burn him.
Speaker: Well, that's the question, though.
Speaker: Like, would having this...
Speaker: It means somebody in Hydra is in S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: Dun dun dun!
Speaker: Turns out they have been since like the 60s.
Speaker: I'm telling you.
Speaker: I read the comics.
Speaker: They've always been in there.
Speaker: Like we can use it as a word that can't come out of my mouth.
Speaker: McGuffin?
Speaker: Yes, thank you.
Speaker: I like McGuffin.
Speaker: McGuffin's better.
Speaker: But yeah.
Speaker: We meet the incest twins.
Speaker: Sorry, they're not twins, but.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: They could be twins.
Speaker: I think in the comics they were twins, if I remember right.
Speaker: But it doesn't matter.
Speaker: They're actually, that's the replacement for, in the Marvel universe, that's who Elizabeth Olsen and Aaron Taylor Johnson are playing.
Speaker: Quicksilver.
Speaker: Yeah, they're the kids of Von Strucker because they can't be mutants.
Speaker: But right.
Speaker: So like, yeah, we meet we kind of meet Werner Von Strucker, who is a fuck boy throughout this whole movie.
Speaker: We find out Manhattan is where they're targeting because, you know, what better get it?
Speaker: But what better way to get the attention of the American government than to kill eight million people?
Speaker: I like her villainous speech too.
Speaker: She's like, I'm just going to bomb a little island off of New York.
Speaker: What island is that?
Speaker: Manhattan.
Speaker: I was ordering a drink, sorry.
Speaker: Bring me a Manhattan and I'll tell you.
Speaker: She's German.
Speaker: It's Jägermeister.
Speaker: They're leaving the Manhattan area.
Speaker: Well, they're going to the edge of it to shoot missiles at it.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Oh, that makes sense.
Speaker: And then what does Dum Dum say?
Speaker: He's like, I'm from, I know that area very well.
Speaker: Not only does he know the area, Whitney, he knows the winds.
Speaker: He knows the winds.
Speaker: He's like, I know the area and I know the winds.
Speaker: Yeah, it'll get to New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.
Speaker: And 40 million people will die.
Speaker: I've lived in Arizona most of my life.
Speaker: And if you were like, oh, yeah, I was at Island Thornydale.
Speaker: I'd be like, oh, strong westerly winds over there.
Speaker: Actually, you know what?
Speaker: I do understand the winds of Arizona depending on the time of year.
Speaker: You're such a weirdo.
Speaker: I do not.
Speaker: I do.
Speaker: I am.
Speaker: Witch!
Speaker: Witch!
Speaker: Burn her!
Speaker: Burn her!
Speaker: Wait, wait.
Speaker: Burn her!
Speaker: Did you say van her?
Speaker: No, I said burn her.
Speaker: Oh, I thought you were calling me.
Speaker: Does she weigh more than a duck?
Speaker: Yes, I do weigh more than a duck.
Speaker: We have like an Interpol agent who's secretly been replaced by Viper, which takes us all of eight minutes to find out in this movie.
Speaker: And the best reveal is how she removes this mask.
Speaker: She sprays herself in the face with a mist.
Speaker: It's Aquanet.
Speaker: She's got a can of fucking Aquanet, dude.
Speaker: I thought she was going to fluff them bangs and give them some body.
Speaker: Nope.
Speaker: Mask comes off.
Speaker: I just love they get her.
Speaker: They bring her to the headquarters.
Speaker: She's like, there's moles in your organization and leaves.
Speaker: He goes to talk to her.
Speaker: She tries to fuck him.
Speaker: And then she's like, I'm the mole.
Speaker: Zap.
Speaker: That's how fast that happens.
Speaker: Plants a giant wet fucking kiss on his face.
Speaker: Oh yeah, he wrote that in.
Speaker: I bet he did.
Speaker: She has to straddle him.
Speaker: This part that says that she hits me with a syringe, I'm going to rewrite this.
Speaker: Where's my red pen?
Speaker: She straddles me and thrusts her lips upon open mouth, open mouth, thrusts her open mouth lips upon my open mouth.
Speaker: Then she gives me a blowjob.
Speaker: Nope, too far?
Speaker: Okay, I knew it when I said it.
Speaker: exactly you know he was wanting that it's the kiss of death it's some poison from some columbian tree frog okay quick rewrite it gets into my blood faster if she gives me a rusty trombone jerking really gets the blood flowing and the mouth to anus is how it gets in the bloodstream nope too much i thought so yeah this is not a skinamax this is a fox
Speaker: A fucks?
Speaker: Well, so I bend her over.
Speaker: She has a cat of nine whip.
Speaker: It was funny because I love that.
Speaker: At first, Whitney was like, she has the same hands and ring as the Hydra lady.
Speaker: And I was like, it's a different actress, though.
Speaker: And then she does the Aquanet spray to her face.
Speaker: And it's like secret.
Speaker: I'm really her.
Speaker: I mean, dude, it's the most fucking gaudy ring ever.
Speaker: It's a ring that says I'm a bad guy.
Speaker: Well, yeah, and then she has all black nails except for that one pinky red nail.
Speaker: That's her cocaine nail.
Speaker: This is like a ruby that's the size of her entire finger.
Speaker: I'm expecting this to have a scorpion inside and be on somebody's belt buckle in Texas.
Speaker: Or Arizona.
Speaker: Or Arizona.
Speaker: But yeah, after it's revealed that she's secretly whatever and he gets the poison, it's he has the great line.
Speaker: Hydra's been jerking our chain six ways from Sunday.
Speaker: Dude, they've got him in this fucking, I don't know.
Speaker: It's supposed to be a CAT scan type machine.
Speaker: Back to tank.
Speaker: Back to tank.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: He's on his back to and he's just dropping one liner zingers like that one.
Speaker: And then the next one is, I feel like a damn bratwurst.
Speaker: Get me out of here and get me some mustard.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: And it turns out he's dying from the poison.
Speaker: But since it was a kiss, it's slowly taking effect.
Speaker: And the only way it can be cured is if they get her blood to make a virus.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: An antivirus.
Speaker: Sorry.
Speaker: They're not getting her blood to make a virus.
Speaker: Yeah, antiserum is what they say, which I'm like, no, the serum is supposed to be an antivirus.
Speaker: Such stupid wording.
Speaker: And I'll get that vampire's blood if I have to suck it from her neck.
Speaker: This guy's just dropping zingers.
Speaker: So then we have a scene where the director, Pinser, is coming back.
Speaker: He comes out of the elevator first.
Speaker: And in the back of the elevator, it's Pinser again.
Speaker: Pinser twice, dude.
Speaker: Pinser with a bowler hat.
Speaker: Pinser.
Speaker: I hardly knew her.
Speaker: Yeah, there's two of them.
Speaker: And it turns out he's an LMD who has a projector in his mouth.
Speaker: This confuses me because at the end of the movie, spoiler alert, Nick Fury has an LMD and Viper acts really surprised.
Speaker: But Hydra clearly has LMD technology.
Speaker: Yeah, but it's because he was dying and he was sick.
Speaker: And why would an LMD show all of those emotions?
Speaker: Yeah, I guess.
Speaker: But are dying and sick emotions?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: I mean, I guess if hungry and horny are, then they definitely are.
Speaker: Sometimes I even feel sober.
Speaker: That's an emotion.
Speaker: A whole range of emotions.
Speaker: That's definitely... Sober is an emotion.
Speaker: It's akin to depression.
Speaker: How do you feel today, Derek?
Speaker: Sober?
Speaker: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Speaker: Anything I can do to cheer you up?
Speaker: Bring me some whiskey?
Speaker: Gin and soda?
Speaker: Gin and soda.
Speaker: But yeah, he shoots... The guy does the projector and melts.
Speaker: It should have blown up bigger.
Speaker: You got an LMD into S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: in the middle of the Harry Carrier.
Speaker: Hi, everybody.
Speaker: Harry Carrier here.
Speaker: Jump on my head.
Speaker: I'll take you to the moon.
Speaker: If you were a bratwurst, would you?
Speaker: Hey, if you were a helicarrier, would you blow yourself up?
Speaker: I know I would.
Speaker: But no, like you got on the helicarrier.
Speaker: Fucking blow it up a bit.
Speaker: This thing just fizzles out like a shitty bottle rocket.
Speaker: Yeah, nuke it.
Speaker: I was expecting a bomb.
Speaker: You give me one of those little snake fireworks.
Speaker: Move it along.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But it's funny because Nick Fury did shoot the LMD and Pinser's like, how'd you know which one to shoot?
Speaker: And of course, we all knew right away.
Speaker: I didn't.
Speaker: There's a couple of things you could have said.
Speaker: I shot the one that looked like he had a set of nuts.
Speaker: I shot the one that was not being an asshole.
Speaker: I shot the one that looked like I didn't fuck his wife.
Speaker: that's right I fucked your wife it's not as good as fucking your mom it's up there and they're basically telling him like you can't lead well Pinser's telling him you can't lead this mission because you're too sick and he says who else would lead this mission the LMD I wonder if that'll come back I already told you guys it would we're the stupidest audience in the world you think so
Speaker: And I do like when he's leaving, Pinsir yells at him and calls him a comic book coward.
Speaker: Uh-huh.
Speaker: I'm like, well, first of all, he's not being a coward.
Speaker: He's being the opposite.
Speaker: Yeah, he's kind of being a little bit of a rogue.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So shut up.
Speaker: Pinsir's an asshole.
Speaker: Yeah, he is.
Speaker: And they got a good actor to maybe not like him because I don't like him.
Speaker: I don't know what I know this actor from, by the way.
Speaker: McBeef?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Talking about old McBeefy?
Speaker: I looked him up.
Speaker: It's a lot of those.
Speaker: You probably know him from something.
Speaker: probably in charge.
Speaker: I'm going to tell you this.
Speaker: On his IMDB, his little blurb says, his five seconds of fame is probably Stargate SG-1.
Speaker: That's the blurb you wrote.
Speaker: Again, Canada.
Speaker: All those people were in SG-1.
Speaker: These are all Canadians, except the Hoth.
Speaker: They were also probably in X-Files.
Speaker: What about Ron Canada?
Speaker: I wonder where he's from.
Speaker: Hey, speaking of X-Files, we get to see our next character actor, Roger Cross, who is the black gentleman.
Speaker: Yeah, he's the shield agent number one.
Speaker: We immediately recognized him from Continuum.
Speaker: Dark Matter.
Speaker: X-Files.
Speaker: He was in a bunch of episodes of X-Files as different characters every time.
Speaker: He was in The Strain, which I'm probably the only one who watched it.
Speaker: No, I watched it with you.
Speaker: There was another one.
Speaker: He's been in so many things.
Speaker: That had the Stragoria or whatever it was.
Speaker: Yeah, with the vampires.
Speaker: Oh, that had Dude from Hot Fuzz, by the by.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: And it's a Guillermo del Toro book it's based on.
Speaker: I never finished the series, but I watched.
Speaker: The series wasn't very good.
Speaker: Yeah, I watched almost all of it.
Speaker: I was reading the book.
Speaker: I was reading the first book.
Speaker: I never finished it because it's a time, well, much like today, where when I'm reading a book, a lot of it's happening on the toilet.
Speaker: And I was on the road traveling for an old job, and I got up from the toilet, and my book fell in, and I was like, never reading that again.
Speaker: That book's dead to me.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: That book went in the garbage.
Speaker: Dude, I went to a venue recently and I had a cocktail in my hand and I had to go pee.
Speaker: So I put it on the back of the toilet tank.
Speaker: I thought, I'm not going to risk it.
Speaker: So I put my foot on the toilet seat lid and lifted it up and it hit the cocktail.
Speaker: And I just threw that thing away.
Speaker: That was a full ass cocktail.
Speaker: I was all, nope.
Speaker: I wouldn't even risk it at my house.
Speaker: I'm like, this is the fucking Rialto.
Speaker: yeah i am throwing this away this is a music venue in downtown tucson i'm not drinking anything when i have to go pee there i'm like they've got places to set your beer i'm just gonna finish it yeah yeah i just gotten a beverage and i was like oh i gotta pee really bad you just go to the guy at the merch booth you're like can you hold this i'd rather you roofie me than get that urine on it at least you could handle the roofie i could recover
Speaker: He's a S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: agent that's traveling around New York with Lisa Rinna trying to find the bomb because they know there's a bomb there that has the virus.
Speaker: Because bleep bloop, they've got scanners that know that this has to be cold.
Speaker: Yeah, it's in a refrigerated truck.
Speaker: Negative five and 15 degrees Celsius.
Speaker: Celsius, that is a huge fucking gap.
Speaker: We need a button we can push that's just to ask Steve.
Speaker: Just calls him.
Speaker: Hey, five degrees Celsius is what here for us?
Speaker: Thanks.
Speaker: And the problem is he'd be like, I don't know Fahrenheit.
Speaker: That shit doesn't make any sense.
Speaker: He did actually.
Speaker: I already got him a tagline, dude.
Speaker: It's Canada.
Speaker: And he hangs up on us.
Speaker: He's just there to answer questions about Canada and Canadian actors.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Because we talked about it.
Speaker: I was like, how cold is it right there?
Speaker: And he's like, oh, it's like 27 degrees Celsius.
Speaker: And I was like, oh, it's like 87 here.
Speaker: He's like I don't know what that means but it sounds awful Sounds like the surface of the sun It's Kelvin But yeah he's on it They're looking for the truck they find some decoys And what not at the same time Fury Pierce and the ESP Are trying to Fly to the secret base
Speaker: and they get shot down by missiles that go right up their exhaust you're dead i wanted some like i don't know shield toys like fucking send out the countermeasures nope boom bam you're done we're on the beach this is when we get the line where she's asking him why he left shield and he's like i didn't leave i was asked to leave uh because when the iron curtain was sent to the cleaners i was suddenly out of style
Speaker: Dude, zinging and zinging.
Speaker: Right by another one, because she's like, why?
Speaker: Because they changed the rules?
Speaker: For me, there were no rules.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: He was on it.
Speaker: But yeah, the plane is hit with missiles.
Speaker: Mishels?
Speaker: Mishels.
Speaker: They're made by Michelin.
Speaker: They're rubber.
Speaker: Missiles.
Speaker: And we cut to commercial break.
Speaker: That's what they call if you don't connect.
Speaker: Oh, I shot him with a missile.
Speaker: This was the big commercial break I noticed.
Speaker: I'm sure there were others.
Speaker: There's a couple.
Speaker: A lot of them were covered up better by like, oh, we're fading to another scene.
Speaker: This one was like missile hit fade to black.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like this is a commercial.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: This was a hard, a hard commercial break.
Speaker: So they arrive at the base because they're not dead.
Speaker: Surprise.
Speaker: Nick Fury didn't die halfway through the movie.
Speaker: Huh?
Speaker: Oh, but Dum Dum and James Earl Jones are like, are you going to tell Rena that or Val Contessa?
Speaker: that you know fury's dead no i'm not gonna tell her she's gotta have her head on her shoulders exactly i think we probably missed it but he's talking to the president talking about the president just the way he speaks and he's like did you tell the president that the virus is gonna go off at this time he's like no i'm not gonna give him that much to chew on
Speaker: It's this just gruff, like making fun of action movie, like Charles Bronson almost.
Speaker: We could have gotten a Bill Clinton-esque president.
Speaker: It's 1998.
Speaker: Right after or right during.
Speaker: There's a second term, but like they went with a Bush senior.
Speaker: Hey, Barb, there's this one-eyed fella talking to me on the screen here.
Speaker: Tell me I got too much to chew.
Speaker: Reagan told me about this one, Barr.
Speaker: He's back, and I don't like him.
Speaker: He doesn't like the rules.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Worked for Reagan.
Speaker: He'll work for me.
Speaker: He's a bit of a maverick, kind of a Lone Ranger.
Speaker: I just hope he doesn't do any of that Contra stuff, Bar.
Speaker: Him and all his Lone Rangers.
Speaker: Hey, speaking of Contra, good game.
Speaker: I'm going to play it.
Speaker: Bar, pick it up.
Speaker: Pick up your sticks.
Speaker: I want to play Contra.
Speaker: But they're not dead.
Speaker: The New York agents do find the truck.
Speaker: It's a garbage truck that has these albino dudes who work for Hydra hanging off the back.
Speaker: They're mannequins that somebody brought to life.
Speaker: Oh, my goodness, yes.
Speaker: And that's the best makeup in the movie.
Speaker: Like the Hydra agents throughout this are just wearing like black with like a pantyhose over their head.
Speaker: Yeah, it's a thick pantyhose.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: More loose stitch.
Speaker: A boatline fishnet.
Speaker: It's kind of like a wool sock put over their face.
Speaker: They're just like, what do you have on your foot there?
Speaker: I'm wearing wool socks today.
Speaker: Put it on your head.
Speaker: Put it on your head.
Speaker: Everybody, take your socks off.
Speaker: Put them on your head.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: That's what it looks like.
Speaker: But these guys are creepy looking, right?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: They don't look like humans.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: No, these guys are very Nazi science.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: yeah nazi science these guys are nazi science dude um i kept thinking it was going to be a clone thing yeah or a clones for like somehow struck that's for a later movie rock people i don't know um but when they're sneaking in it's great because they have another spray can to help them because the lasers dude yeah fury and his team are going through a tunnel there's lasers they have a hairspray can that breaks up the lasers that can't be good for the environment no way no
Speaker: This is like that hairspray from the 80s.
Speaker: That's all it is.
Speaker: There's nothing else.
Speaker: Once they spray it in the laser, it'll block it.
Speaker: Don't worry about it.
Speaker: Don't worry.
Speaker: I have Aquanet.
Speaker: It'll lock anything in place.
Speaker: I don't think it's going to work on lasers.
Speaker: Told ya.
Speaker: Told ya.
Speaker: And they end up getting caught in the tunnels and taken to Viper, who is wearing full-on dominatrix gear at this point.
Speaker: Yes, she is.
Speaker: Oh, she is.
Speaker: It's wearing her nicely.
Speaker: A leather bodysuit with this red cape that has this huge fucking, this huge collar on it.
Speaker: It was working for me.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: It was working for her.
Speaker: Yes, it was.
Speaker: That's why she's so out of breath.
Speaker: She got a glimpse of herself in the mirror.
Speaker: Oh, fuck.
Speaker: Damn, I'm over there just getting it.
Speaker: And he tells her, he says, I danced on your father's grave and I'll dance on yours too, sweetheart.
Speaker: You ever dance with a dum-dum in the pale moonlight?
Speaker: Just something I like to say before I fuck someone.
Speaker: I'd watch this sex tape.
Speaker: David Hasselhoff is huge on this set.
Speaker: He's a big guy, right?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like 6'3", 6'4".
Speaker: Yeah, he's a tall dude for sure.
Speaker: Everybody else is really short then because he just looks enormous.
Speaker: Yeah, he does.
Speaker: Either that or he's really short.
Speaker: They just had him in lifts.
Speaker: Could be.
Speaker: Could be.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I think he's a tall dude.
Speaker: I think he is too.
Speaker: He is like 6'3", I thought.
Speaker: I thought it was like 6'2", 6'3".
Speaker: Continue.
Speaker: We'll get to this.
Speaker: Yeah, the internet will tell us.
Speaker: But they have these missiles that they're using to deliver the virus to New York.
Speaker: And concurrently, after they got caught, Fury and his folks are thrown in a meat locker with the other pigs.
Speaker: Because there's just frozen pigs hanging in there.
Speaker: Although this door is not holding in refrigeration.
Speaker: This is a rickety wooden door.
Speaker: No, it's a steel door.
Speaker: Is it?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, he's 6'4", by the way.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: This Hydra guy has pieces of wood sticking out of his back once he gets blown away.
Speaker: There is wood to this door.
Speaker: There is wood, but it's still on the inside.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: But he pulls out his eyeball...
Speaker: which behind his eyepatch, obviously, which they did search earlier and found an electric lock.
Speaker: They had a metal detector all over.
Speaker: So there's a whole bunch of things that should have been detected by this.
Speaker: Maybe it's just a thing.
Speaker: It's like it's a weapon finder.
Speaker: It specifically finds weapons, not robotics, not electric lock picks, guns and weapons.
Speaker: But he pulls out his eyeball and it's a directional charge that he uses to blow a hole in this thing after they've been in there for a while freezing.
Speaker: Yeah, he's walking out of the room like, God, we got to get out of here.
Speaker: How are we going to get out of here?
Speaker: What, you never played Got Your Eye before?
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: He's like, this is a last, what is it?
Speaker: Last ditch effort or something.
Speaker: But he could have just done it right away.
Speaker: You only get one use out of it.
Speaker: Yeah, do it right away.
Speaker: Now you got two people over here that are getting ready to start fucking for warmth.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's what he's waiting on.
Speaker: Yeah, he wanted to watch.
Speaker: He's like, let's see here.
Speaker: I feel like they're about to get naked.
Speaker: Because he mentions that he's good now because, and of course.
Speaker: He's like, I feel good.
Speaker: It is his LMD, but he says, I have a fever of 103 and this cold.
Speaker: I have a fever of 103.
Speaker: And this cold is making me normal now.
Speaker: And I'm like, well,
Speaker: That is the lyric to that song, isn't it?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I love that song.
Speaker: See what you made me do?
Speaker: I'm going to get all Michael McDonald.
Speaker: I know that's not who does that.
Speaker: Steve Perry, but still.
Speaker: Steve Perry.
Speaker: I told you, no more fucking journey jokes.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: There we go.
Speaker: While they're breaking out and fighting their way through Hydra agents, the
Speaker: Other S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: agents led by Lisa Renna and a guy from Dark Matter are basically, they're like, fuck it, we're out of time.
Speaker: So they're doing an insertion into German dudes.
Speaker: She's inserting into these blonde albino German dudes.
Speaker: Gotcha, gotcha.
Speaker: And I love it because Werner.
Speaker: The albino's playing that baseball.
Speaker: It's so weird to watch an emotionless thing play catch with itself.
Speaker: Yeah, he's playing wall ball by himself, and when the ball comes back, it's a grenade kind of.
Speaker: Kind of.
Speaker: It's a firework that shoots in one direction.
Speaker: It just like flames up.
Speaker: It's just like a smoke bomb is what it is.
Speaker: But it should have been a bomb, a grenade, a frag, a stun, a cryo.
Speaker: They already look like fucking mannequins.
Speaker: You know the perfect solution for this?
Speaker: You have them catch it and go, what is this?
Speaker: And then we cut away to... Mannequins.
Speaker: Dummy.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: Holding grenades.
Speaker: Derek wants him dummies, man.
Speaker: I want to see a dummy get blown up with a grenade in this movie.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: In every movie.
Speaker: In most movies.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Especially a mannequin.
Speaker: Finding Nemo could have used a dummy with a grenade.
Speaker: I definitely had a dummy.
Speaker: Oh, she's not dumb.
Speaker: She's just special.
Speaker: She's a dummy.
Speaker: Don't talk about Dory like that.
Speaker: No, I'm talking about voice actress Ellen.
Speaker: Oh, I was talking about Dory.
Speaker: I was, so you guys got offended and I tried to swing it the other way real quick.
Speaker: Now Ellen's a dummy, too.
Speaker: All that Ellen talk.
Speaker: Well, Ellen got Portia.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Now she also got canceled.
Speaker: I don't even know how that happened.
Speaker: Not this conversation.
Speaker: Oh, I know how.
Speaker: She wasn't funny.
Speaker: But she's holding the gun to Werner, who's hiding behind the bomb.
Speaker: And he's like, you do not want to shoot me.
Speaker: You'll put the whole city in danger.
Speaker: And she's like, only if I miss.
Speaker: Blammo.
Speaker: And then the line should be, I never miss.
Speaker: But we don't get that.
Speaker: No, we do not.
Speaker: Because she is not the Hoth.
Speaker: That was in the script, and Hoffa's like, take it out.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: No, those are my lines.
Speaker: Does she have a cigar?
Speaker: I didn't fucking think so.
Speaker: Can't say quippy lines out of fucking unlit cigar.
Speaker: Bitch.
Speaker: So Fury's circling the drain.
Speaker: He's furious.
Speaker: He's about to die.
Speaker: The bombs or the missiles are armed, and they're about to be launched.
Speaker: Isn't the Viper like...
Speaker: haha you're dying now blah blah blah and then yeah he shoots him yeah because he attacks he attacks her and arnim zola who we didn't mention because he kind of doesn't count yeah he's like he's the grandpa from texas chainsaw massacre in this movie he's barely alive and sitting in a wheelchair
Speaker: They've got these computers with these big robot computer machines with screens on top where she was talking to people earlier.
Speaker: Just put Artem Zola on one of those.
Speaker: I was even at this point, because he's about to get, I think he's about to be out of this movie.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Nicholas Cage.
Speaker: Whoa.
Speaker: Whoa.
Speaker: Nick Fury.
Speaker: I want to see Nicholas Cage be Nick Fury now.
Speaker: Dude, that's a whole other movie.
Speaker: You can shove it up your collective end zones.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's exactly what I was about to do, too.
Speaker: We hang out too much.
Speaker: But no, he's got this gun that was given to him by Mr. Canada himself.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Q-Nanida.
Speaker: That if it's not his biometrics, it'll shoot you in the neck with like this electricity.
Speaker: So this happens to Zola and he goes flying.
Speaker: I'm like, oh my God, they're going to have him like flying to the machines.
Speaker: That's what I do.
Speaker: I thought.
Speaker: And like, here's your moment.
Speaker: Here's your moment.
Speaker: Just a pool of water with computers in it.
Speaker: If I know anything about comics, he's about to become computer man.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: That's how you get to be in the internet.
Speaker: This is it.
Speaker: That's how the internet works.
Speaker: He's the next lawnmower man.
Speaker: But no, he's just dead.
Speaker: I mean, maybe that happened.
Speaker: We just never saw the movies.
Speaker: I think they'll bring him.
Speaker: In another universe, there is a successful six of these movies.
Speaker: Yeah, it was on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: But he gets.
Speaker: Oh, she does shoot him, by the way, with the same gun that Checky Cario uses in Bad Boys.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: The little four barrel, four barrel, four barrel Derringer.
Speaker: I like it right before she shoots him.
Speaker: The computer is like 10 minutes until the bomb goes off or whatever.
Speaker: Out of time.
Speaker: No, he has 10 minutes.
Speaker: I don't think I'm out of time yet.
Speaker: 10 minutes for a Nick Fury is a lifetime.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, it's going to be the last second, but he's got 10 minutes.
Speaker: I mean, we are talking about comically the second hand on this clock being right there.
Speaker: He has 600 seconds to solve this problem.
Speaker: We put it like that.
Speaker: It sounds like a lot less, right?
Speaker: Got a lot of seconds.
Speaker: But yeah, so he dies, we think, and she's over his body like, do you have anything to say?
Speaker: And then from behind her, he has some quip.
Speaker: I don't remember.
Speaker: It's very John Wayne.
Speaker: It is very John Wayne.
Speaker: Well, pilgrim.
Speaker: Yeah, it's basically that.
Speaker: The wind doesn't blow this way, pilgrim.
Speaker: Yeah, that's what it was.
Speaker: And she's like, but you are dead.
Speaker: How are you alive?
Speaker: And I'm like, you have LMTs.
Speaker: Remember that technology used on us, Pilgrim?
Speaker: I used it right back on you.
Speaker: I'm Genghis Khan.
Speaker: And Pierce and Kate get into the room and the door won't close, so he Star Wars-es that door closed also.
Speaker: This time it closes instead of opens.
Speaker: We're good.
Speaker: We're good.
Speaker: It doesn't make the elevator work.
Speaker: It makes the door stop working.
Speaker: It's whatever you need it for And I do like He's got her He's got her handcuffed And they're walking by Von Strucker's body And it's the worst one liner in the movie Because it's two lines This is where you went too far And only here Because he's like oh look it's your frozen popsicle Get it popsicle He says that that's not me If he just would have stopped at popsicle
Speaker: Sickle, bad enough on its own, leave it be.
Speaker: I think he wrote it in.
Speaker: But then he's like, ha, ha, get it, Pilgrim?
Speaker: Popsicle.
Speaker: Now I just want to see fucking John Wayne as Mr. Freeze.
Speaker: All right, everybody, chill.
Speaker: No, but see, he would have to show emotion about a dead woman.
Speaker: And I don't think John Wayne could do that.
Speaker: You know what killed the dinosaurs?
Speaker: Me.
Speaker: Me.
Speaker: So the ESP-er steals the codes out of Viper's brain.
Speaker: It's really hard for some reason.
Speaker: Apparently numbers are upside down.
Speaker: Do me a favor and ESP on her for me.
Speaker: I'd like to watch you.
Speaker: Yeah, ESP on each other.
Speaker: Save a little ESP for me.
Speaker: You can do it.
Speaker: ESP on each other, Pilgrim.
Speaker: Pilgrim, use your ESP-ness.
Speaker: Oh, damn.
Speaker: So there's lots of heavy breathing during this scene while she's trying to just remove it.
Speaker: It's really weird.
Speaker: She's like trying to pull the code out and you're seeing all these violent images because it's what she's seeing in her head.
Speaker: But you can just hear Viper like.
Speaker: Over the whole thing, I'm like, do you need to calm down?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: No, she's turned on.
Speaker: You know what?
Speaker: I go the other way.
Speaker: Let her finish.
Speaker: Just kidding.
Speaker: Women don't have orgasms.
Speaker: That's a lie.
Speaker: It's in the Bible, Pilgrim.
Speaker: Thou shalt not enjoy fucking me.
Speaker: Shoot, shoot.
Speaker: So she gets the code.
Speaker: It's like 37906.
Speaker: And then all of a sudden, right before they enter it, she's like, no, wait.
Speaker: The six is a nine.
Speaker: Are you sure?
Speaker: It's got to be six and nine, doesn't it?
Speaker: I guess those are the ones that look.
Speaker: You can't flip any other.
Speaker: Is it eight or is it eight?
Speaker: I think it's an eight.
Speaker: I think it's a one or it's a one.
Speaker: It's a five or a two.
Speaker: I guess that's kind of.
Speaker: Five or two works.
Speaker: If it's in digital, numbery.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Yeah, all right.
Speaker: But I think the only reason they have this stupid part is because if she just says the code outright, she wins.
Speaker: The ESP-er is the one that saves the day.
Speaker: But she's like, no, I think it's actually a nine.
Speaker: So then we got Hasselhoff.
Speaker: He's like, I got to make this choice.
Speaker: It's up to you.
Speaker: And he's like, nine.
Speaker: Last second.
Speaker: Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker: Six.
Speaker: And that's the right one.
Speaker: Because we have to have him save the day.
Speaker: And it's not...
Speaker: It seems like it's just like him being like, no, wait, I'm just going to try the other one.
Speaker: But he says nine, and I think they kind of show a smirk on Viper's face.
Speaker: They do.
Speaker: Yeah, because I was writing down what was going on, and I kind of looked up and saw it at the last second.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But again, that's just showing like, oh, he caught the look.
Speaker: Otherwise, he'd all be dead.
Speaker: He caught the look.
Speaker: He caught the look.
Speaker: One of the world to make a one-eyed girl go blue.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: And yeah, but he enters it, or Lisa Rinna enters it, because he tells her.
Speaker: They enter each other.
Speaker: It's a six or a nine.
Speaker: It's a six and a nine at that point.
Speaker: I just love it because they ask him, is it six or nine?
Speaker: And he goes with nine, and I'm like, so he likes being on the bottom?
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Well, he's a big fella.
Speaker: He could crush her.
Speaker: But he likes being on the top because he can crush her and because she can't breathe for other reasons.
Speaker: That's what I always felt the nine was the topper.
Speaker: The six was on the bottom and the nine was on top.
Speaker: I prefer to do my 69s on our side and just breathe heavy.
Speaker: Let's call it 99.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: 66.
Speaker: How about 68 and I owe you?
Speaker: It's a 96.
Speaker: We just go back to back and fart each other's heads.
Speaker: That's how you get pink eye.
Speaker: So see, so once you get married, it's just a 96 because that's how you sleep.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: Turn that way.
Speaker: Don't snore on me.
Speaker: That's her, by the way, saying that to me.
Speaker: I'm like, quit breathing on me.
Speaker: Don't cuddle me.
Speaker: It's warm in here.
Speaker: It's 62 degrees.
Speaker: Shut up.
Speaker: Yeah, no, you only cuddle.
Speaker: You have like three months out of the year to cuddle in this town.
Speaker: This is how we cuddle.
Speaker: I put my hand on his hip.
Speaker: And when she dips, I dip.
Speaker: We dip.
Speaker: I need a card, like a business card of me pretending to go in for a hug and just give that to people.
Speaker: Like, wag my finger.
Speaker: I'm not hugging you, but there's a picture of me hugging you.
Speaker: You can hold this picture up to your chest.
Speaker: You can have this.
Speaker: You can hug this picture, but not me.
Speaker: So they save it.
Speaker: Like I was going to say, they enter the code and the timer keeps going.
Speaker: It has to stop at one, even though they entered the code at like 15 seconds.
Speaker: You've seen Galaxy Quest.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: At the very end.
Speaker: He's like, why did it stop at two or one?
Speaker: It's like, because it always stopped at one in the show.
Speaker: Same fucking mechanism.
Speaker: That's an awesome movie.
Speaker: That's a fantastic fucking movie.
Speaker: Oh, when are we going to do that?
Speaker: For fun.
Speaker: Can we do it on Patreon?
Speaker: I'll watch it for fun.
Speaker: Yeah, I'll just watch it.
Speaker: We might be able to do it on Patreon.
Speaker: I mean, there's a lot to make fun of.
Speaker: Tim Allen.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: We can just talk about cocaine for an hour and a half.
Speaker: We might need to get some cocaine.
Speaker: The dad from Veronica Myers is the one that talks like this.
Speaker: And a young Rainn Wilson.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Is it?
Speaker: Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it?
Speaker: Oh, and that chick that looks weird.
Speaker: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: She's in Dodgeball.
Speaker: She is in Dodgeball.
Speaker: She's also from... Josie and the Pussycats.
Speaker: Is she a bad guy in that?
Speaker: Maybe.
Speaker: I think she's a Stepford wife.
Speaker: Anyway, we are getting off.
Speaker: We are getting off.
Speaker: In a 69.
Speaker: ESP'd myself.
Speaker: Last minute save, the missiles go back into their sheath.
Speaker: But Hydra is still cutting through the door.
Speaker: And Viper is laughing and she's like, soon there will be 100 Hydra agents and you will never be able to stop them.
Speaker: And in comes the helicarrier full of shield agents.
Speaker: But then there's another countdown.
Speaker: Another countdown.
Speaker: Boop, boop, boop, boop.
Speaker: Where is it coming from?
Speaker: Val, Val, why can't you hear me?
Speaker: She's trying to call her.
Speaker: She can't hear him.
Speaker: And they're like, oh, no, a bomb's going to go off.
Speaker: It's not a bomb.
Speaker: And then Viper picks out of her handcuffs.
Speaker: I think she's just skinny and just went right out.
Speaker: And jumps into this icicle thing.
Speaker: The glass tube that Von Strucker is in.
Speaker: Von Strucker Vader.
Speaker: I immediately was like, oh, shit, they're going to wonk Vader.
Speaker: I did, too.
Speaker: The smoke is coming out.
Speaker: I thought that shit was going to launch into the air.
Speaker: I was so excited.
Speaker: And I was very disappointed when it turned out to be a very slow moving elevator.
Speaker: Well, they're halfway to China by now.
Speaker: This thing is going like a quarter of an inch per minute.
Speaker: It's going slower than an elevator in a building.
Speaker: You could jump on this thing and be OK.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And they're trying to break through and they can't even though it's glass.
Speaker: But he shoots it.
Speaker: And he shoots it and gets in.
Speaker: But it's right after they go underground.
Speaker: And that's when he says they're halfway to China.
Speaker: I'm like, well, it's because once it gets underground, it just shoots right through.
Speaker: No, it's a vacuum.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: Vacuum tube.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: It's a little tube thing.
Speaker: You know, when you're putting it in, it's just going however fast you're going.
Speaker: But once it hits the edge of that tube, gone.
Speaker: What is that fucking tube?
Speaker: Pneumatic.
Speaker: Pneumatic.
Speaker: I knew you knew it.
Speaker: Speaking of pneumatic.
Speaker: Oh, right when she gets in, she says, I'll see you in hell.
Speaker: And he's like, we'll do lunch.
Speaker: That was a good one.
Speaker: I loved it.
Speaker: So she escapes with his body.
Speaker: They're going to have a tribunal or Pinsir is going to have a tribunal for Nick Fury because he did something wrong.
Speaker: He didn't obey the rules.
Speaker: You did this.
Speaker: You did this.
Speaker: You forgot one thing.
Speaker: Attempted grievous bodily harm.
Speaker: Whammo.
Speaker: Punches this dude in the face.
Speaker: Fuck yeah, he does.
Speaker: I mean, this dude's got such a punchable face, though.
Speaker: He really does.
Speaker: I mean, it's basically over.
Speaker: There's a long conclusion scene, but it's basically setting up.
Speaker: Basically, the gist of the ending is there are more adventures to come.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And then we fade out, and it faded back in, and I was like, what are you doing?
Speaker: But then I saw Green Light, and I was like, ah, Stinger.
Speaker: Oh, Stinger.
Speaker: Got it.
Speaker: And it has the most incestual, like it's Baron Von Strucker and his daughter Venom, and she is just stroking daddy's face.
Speaker: Sorry, Viper.
Speaker: Venom is a Star Wars, or Spider-Man villain.
Speaker: We got to go, guys.
Speaker: Yeah, and the way that she's touching him is like, you can't say daddy and do that.
Speaker: You need to pick a lane.
Speaker: Oh, and he's doing the same thing that Werner was doing earlier and like stroking her arm.
Speaker: I'm like, stop.
Speaker: Stop with the incest.
Speaker: I think we know why she left Hollywood.
Speaker: This isn't Game of Thrones.
Speaker: They thought they were the Lannisters.
Speaker: Von Stadokos always pays their debts.
Speaker: Yeah, so he's back, and that'll be in the second movie.
Speaker: That'll definitely be coming out soon.
Speaker: We're going to have to figure out how to cross timelines like Fringe.
Speaker: Oh, that's another thing that news is in.
Speaker: The black dude is in Fringe as well.
Speaker: Yes, he was.
Speaker: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Cross?
Speaker: Yeah, Roger Cross.
Speaker: Roger Cross.
Speaker: Yeah, he's in Fringe.
Speaker: Roger Cross, he's in there because he's one of the time travel bad guys.
Speaker: He's usually a bad guy.
Speaker: That's why I was surprised to see him as a shield agent.
Speaker: I like him as a good guy.
Speaker: He's a lovable guy.
Speaker: But that's the end of that movie.
Speaker: If anybody is interested in watching this movie, good luck.
Speaker: It's not streaming anywhere.
Speaker: This will be our obscure one for the month.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But let's go around and say recommend if it wasn't for being a bootleg.
Speaker: Wife?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: No for me.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: It was fine.
Speaker: I just, I got really tired in part of it.
Speaker: Like, I loved the quips, but I was just bored through most of it.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I mean, I've seen, I've, I was, I watched Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: And that was, the first season was more entertaining.
Speaker: You need to stop!
Speaker: The first season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: I thought she was yelling for vaping.
Speaker: was more entertaining than this for me.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Sorry.
Speaker: Jack?
Speaker: I am going to recommend this.
Speaker: This is a fucking hoot.
Speaker: This was a blast.
Speaker: I'm going, I cannot believe that Whitney is saying these things that are coming out of her mouth right now.
Speaker: I mean, it is just, it's, he is pissing me off.
Speaker: It's okay.
Speaker: I loved it, man.
Speaker: I mean, it's Hasselhoff at what I think is his best.
Speaker: He did great.
Speaker: Where I can make fun of you.
Speaker: That's it.
Speaker: So I do get why you thought it was boring.
Speaker: I just, I think this is going to be on a rotation of me and Derek watching it if he'll have me.
Speaker: Yeah, it's going to be a recommend for me.
Speaker: It's like a medium chub recommend, but it's still a recommend because I do enjoy the quips.
Speaker: But there was a point where this 90-minute movie did feel, I was like, get to the end.
Speaker: There was a point where it dragged.
Speaker: It's when he's not jawing.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, can I call it a cocaine chub for me?
Speaker: Like, it got me on parts of it, but then I just couldn't get it up.
Speaker: You want to be hard, but you just can't.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I like that.
Speaker: I mean, I don't like when it happens.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But yeah, I mean, I enjoyed the hell out of it, especially the first half.
Speaker: And I really wish they would have made more.
Speaker: But yeah, that's another world.
Speaker: This is my second favorite David Hasselhoff performance behind Floor Cheeseburger.
Speaker: Yeah, that's the documentary.
Speaker: And if you don't know what that's about, Google that or YouTube it.
Speaker: It's out there.
Speaker: YouTube it.
Speaker: But that's it for... I'll Google your YouTube.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's it for Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Speaker: Don't forget to check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash worstpeople.
Speaker: That's where you can get more from us.
Speaker: So far, you have access to a handful of episodes because every episode we do is on there.
Speaker: You're not paying $3 a month to get this month's episode.
Speaker: You're getting the entire everything we've put up.
Speaker: So by this point, we have what?
Speaker: The Quick and the Dead, Princess Bride, Godzilla 2014, and Hot Fuzz.
Speaker: Hot Fuzz, yeah.
Speaker: And then this month, we'll be doing Batman Returns.
Speaker: Whew.
Speaker: For our mental health movie, because what says mental health more than Danny DeVito drooling bile as a little creepy penguin?
Speaker: I'm going to play this scene like a fucking harp.
Speaker: You can also get access to Han Took Shots first.
Speaker: Han Took Shots first.
Speaker: You get early access to that.
Speaker: You can find it everywhere.
Speaker: Han Took Shots first.
Speaker: Look for it on Spotify and whatnot.
Speaker: But you can get early access there and you get full episodes because sometimes we go too long.
Speaker: So I'm giving you a halfie.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: In the public sense.
Speaker: Only in public you get a halfie, but in private you get the full chub.
Speaker: You get the full nine.
Speaker: You also get a newsletter, you get our archive, and there will be more to come.
Speaker: So check that out for $3 a month, patreon.com slash worstpeople.
Speaker: You can find more of us at badmoviesworstpeople.com.
Speaker: You can send us an email at badmoviesworstpeople at gmail.com.
Speaker: Thank you to Evasion for our opening and closing music.
Speaker: I have been Derek Hasselhoff.
Speaker: I'm still Contessa Wife Person.
Speaker: I'm ES Peter pants.
Speaker: Take your blow dryer and get out of my afternoon, son.
Speaker: I want to lick you.
Speaker: But you want to lick me first.
