Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Breaking the Cycle of Trauma: The Power of Forgiveness (feat. Dj @djinspiresall)
208 Plays1 year ago
In EPISODE 67 of The Therapy4Dads Podcast, DJ (@djinspiresall) shares his personal story of overcoming anger and facing his past traumas. He discusses his journey of moving to Florida and eventually returning to California to confront his past. DJ also shares his experience with numbing and how he learned to forgive in order to move forward. Later in the show, host, Travis, emphasizes the importance of ongoing self-reflection and personal growth for fathers. He encourages listeners to be curious about their own behavior and model healthy habits for their children. Tune in to hear DJ's story of resilience and how fathers can prioritize their mental health. Plus, find out where to find DJ for anyone seeking his services. Don't miss this inspiring and insightful episode of The Therapy4Dads Podcast.
DJ Johnson's life journey has been nothing short of tumultuous. Born to teenage parents, he had to navigate the challenges that came with it as he grew up. His father left his life early on, while his stepdad turned out to be abusive to him and his mother. DJ's experiences eventually led him into the foster care system when he was in fourth grade. DJ's story is a testament to the power of resilience and the human spirit's ability to overcome even the toughest challenges.
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CLICK HERE: BuyMeACoffee/Therapy4Dads
JOIN the MAILING LIST & GET INVOLVED!
Support and follow DJ:
IG: @djinspiresall
BOOK: The Sun Is Always Shining
Connect and Support Travis:
YouTube: Travis Goodman
Instagram: @Therapy4Dads
Check out the Website: Therapy4Dads.com
Recommended
Transcript
DJ's Trauma Background
00:00:00
Speaker
You can get a 10 on ACE. That's the highest possible score that you could get on ACE. I received that. I got a 10. I'm a 10. So when we talk about trauma, I'm trauma.
Podcast Introduction
00:00:11
Speaker
This is a Therapy for Dads podcast. I am your host. My name is Travis. I'm a therapist, a dad, a husband. Here at Therapy for Dads, we provide content around the integration of holistic mental health, well-researched, evidence-based education, and parenthood. Welcome.
00:00:30
Speaker
Welcome everybody to this week's episode of the Therapy for Dads podcast. I'm excited for this week's episode.
Importance of Discussing Trauma
00:00:39
Speaker
New friend that we recently met, DJ, he's gonna tell you a bit about himself, but I just wanted to welcome him and we're looking forward to just dialoguing around this important topic, especially as it pertains to men and boys, teen boys, adult, young adult men, even grown men, that this is such an important topic and I think one that isn't discussed enough
00:00:59
Speaker
Um, and one that is beginning to gain traction. Um, and I'm looking forward to do really talking with DJ about this. But before we go there, uh, how you doing this afternoon, DJ? Doing pretty good. Um, can't complain today is typically my off day. So it's filled with working out and doing other activities with the sun and stuff like that. And so, um, outside of that, I'm doing pretty good.
00:01:26
Speaker
So good to have you, man. I appreciate taking your time out of your data to share with us. So kind of give me a quick bio. Like who is DJ? Like what's
Challenging Upbringing
00:01:35
Speaker
he do?
00:01:35
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, DJ Johnson, I literally was just telling my wife the other day that I think I've lived multiple lives with all of the things that I've done and all the things that have happened to me in my life. You would think, whoa, this guy must have lived three times. But I was born to 16-year-old parents. And as you can imagine,
00:01:59
Speaker
all of the different circumstances that comes with being a teenage parent came to fruition when it came to my parents. My father walked out of my life. I don't know the full circumstance, but he wasn't in my life for a good portion of it. And then my mom
00:02:16
Speaker
ended up eventually marrying my stepdad, who was an abusive person to her and to us. Ultimately, there was a lot of traumas and different things that happened in our home. But I ultimately ended up going into the foster care system in about fourth grade. And so from fourth grade on, lived from in different homes. And gratefully, thankfully, it was in kinship care, which is, you know, with family, maybe not immediate, but with family members.
00:02:46
Speaker
So we initially stayed with my grandmother and then eventually an aunt and uncle on my biological dad's side. We didn't realize that initially, but we found that out after the fact.
00:02:58
Speaker
Um, and then I moved from there to another auntie and eventually ended up in California in my senior year of high school.
College and Self-Discovery
00:03:05
Speaker
And so there's a big story that went behind that, but ultimately I ended up graduated from high school, went to college and went into like sports, like sports was my thing. But I initially was at Cal State Fullerton.
00:03:19
Speaker
and was majoring in Kinesiology and Afro-Echnic Studies. And I was there for a semester living with an auntie at the time. And we had got into a disagreement and I was just so frustrated and mad and upset that I decided that I was gonna move all the way across the country to Florida.
00:03:38
Speaker
And so I moved to Florida. I was there with one of my best friends that I met my junior year of high school. And the reason why I'm sharing that part is because that's really where I was kind of forced to heal from my past. So when there's a pattern of my life of moving a lot and changing places and switching things up, right?
00:04:01
Speaker
And so when I moved from California to Florida, I finally, it finally, I came to the realization because as a former foster youth, as a parent or as a child whose parents essentially abandoned him, anytime there was difficult challenges or moments in my life, I blamed it on them.
00:04:21
Speaker
And rightfully so. My life in this way because my parents left me or my mom couldn't stay away from the drugs or whatever it was. I blamed other people for my issues that I was dealing with. And so when I went to Florida,
Confronting the Past
00:04:36
Speaker
it hit me that I was running from all of these issues and problems and I wasn't facing them. And there was nobody, my mom at that point, I don't even know if I had been in contact with her at that point for a year or so and I don't really, didn't at that point talk to my dad that often. And so I was just like, finally was really forced to sit with myself and find out like, okay, what are gonna be these next steps, DJ?
00:05:05
Speaker
are you going to do moving forward because this is not it. You're running into these issues. I had a situation in Florida that ultimately led to me going back to California. And that was really where I finally realized that, okay, DJ, all these traumatic things happen to you in your life, but what are you now going to do about your life at this point in time?
00:05:28
Speaker
Before we go there, because a lot, I mean, so much happened. 16-year-old parents, just like now you're with foster, but with family, grandparents, aunties.
Reflecting on Childhood Abuse
00:05:43
Speaker
Dad was a step dad was abusive mom you I mean fourth grade I mean so much I mean a little I'm thinking of a little DJ a little boy like 10 year old DJ just like you know just I can't even imagine just the Shifting you know and yeah
00:05:59
Speaker
uh moving so much um looking back what was that what was that like like what i'm just if you if you have touch with that self that part of yourself what was that like a 10 like you knowing you know leaving out with grandparents like was that difficult was that hard was that like i got this was it somewhere in between was it like what was that like i think
00:06:21
Speaker
You know, I think about that often. And for me, the only thing that I can say about it is that in the moment when I was going through the trauma, when I was going through all of those hard challenges, I believe that this is just what happens in our family. This is just what happens when you get in trouble. When I speak to students, I share a story about me getting in trouble on the last day of school.
00:06:50
Speaker
And it was over something really dumb. But the school ended up sending me home. And I went home and my stepdad was home. And whenever we got in trouble, we would get whooped with a belt. And so he would tell us to go upstairs and get ready. And what that meant was we had to take out every single article of clothing off and get ready for our spanking or whooping.
00:07:13
Speaker
And so this particular day I go up there, I hide his belt in hopes that he might not hit me or whatever it might be. And as he was searching for his belt, can find it and ultimately got an extension cord.
00:07:28
Speaker
And so when you have kind of traumatic events, situations happen so often in your childhood, I think you become numb to it. And so I remember when my mom initially came to me and was like, hey, you know, I can no longer take care of you in the way that I should and could. Let me get myself together. You guys are going to go live with your grandmother. And I just remember that conversation. And I remember myself just kind of being apathetic of like, OK,
00:07:55
Speaker
All right, here's another thing that we have to kind of process and go through, right? It wasn't anything that I was like, it didn't feel heavy in that moment. It didn't feel like, it just was like, hey, here's another, all right, this is just the way life goes. That's kind of how it was for me.
00:08:11
Speaker
When you hear that now, looking back, you hear your little 10-year-old self like, this is just life. This is just normal, I'm saying, quote, unquote normal. This is just what happens in our family. This is normal. But hearing that now, looking back, how does that sound? Does that sound?
00:08:29
Speaker
It sounds crazy.
Healing through Work
00:08:31
Speaker
Now it does. But I don't know if that's from a lens of the education that I've received and the information and the training that I received around trauma, around mental health and all those different aspects. And I'm able to now see it from a different perspective because of those things. But I think more than anything, the work that I get to do as students
00:08:55
Speaker
which really is another piece of the healing that I was able to do just because the more I met with them, the more I spoke with them, the more
00:09:04
Speaker
their stories resonated with my story. And so I seen so much of myself in these students that I was working with. And so I was like, okay, I need to heal first before I can be in a position to truly help these students heal. And one helped them realize like, although this feels normal, although this feels like something that just happens in our family, I wanna assure you that it's not.
00:09:31
Speaker
I wanna assure you that, you know, generational curses do exist and there's different things that are at play that maybe is keeping your family from keeping you safe or keeping your family from treating you in the way that you should be treated.
00:09:45
Speaker
It might be lack of information, whatever it might be. I do feel called to help students understand that about themselves and their situations because I didn't necessarily have anybody to help me in that time understand it in that way. Yeah, and I think, well, I think we missed it. Not to, I want to stay here, but you're training now. I don't think we talked about your training, what you do now for a living. We went right into the story, which dude, you just,
Educational and Professional Journey
00:10:09
Speaker
you jumped in, which is,
00:10:10
Speaker
Great. I mean, I know I could tell you've told the story before, but just real quick so people know like, okay, this is who I am, but here's my training now. Like what, you know, what is your training as an adult DJ now? Like what do you do?
00:10:25
Speaker
Yeah, so now I have two masters. My first masters was in coaching athletic administration. I thought I wanted to be in sports. That was my goal. That was where I wanted to be. And I was close. I had an internship at UCLA, which I thought would lead to opportunities to work in collegiate athletics, which is one of my first goals to ultimately be an athletic director. That was my thing.
00:10:49
Speaker
And then I just kind of never came to fruition in the way that I wanted it to and so I had to pray and I had to like fast and figure out what it is that God was kind of pushing me towards and It ended up being the work with students. So the job what after that fast it was 2014 I was literally due to get married with my wife in a couple of months and I was having this moment and
00:11:13
Speaker
And God was like, just open up your search. Just open it up. Don't just do sports. I know that's what you feel like you're trained in, but just open it up. And so I was like, OK. And then the first kind of job that reached out to me was a job for mentoring, fostering probation youth. And so I interviewed all over the phone and they were like, OK, we want to interview in person. I think it's I think it was between me and another person or something like that. And I literally interviewed the day before my wedding.
00:11:43
Speaker
And I ended up getting a job and started it when I got back from our honeymoon. And so in that job, I was doing this position and ended up the job when they posted it, they said it was full time. And so when I got it and they were talking to me about it, they were like, oh, it's only 30 hours. And I was like, oh, OK. I mean, that's cool, but I thought it would be 40. And so I think a month into it,
00:12:11
Speaker
It was a nonprofit, so they found a way to give me the extra 10 hours doing some other stuff, which opened me up to learn other aspects of what they were, the services that they provided. So not only did I learn or do my work with mentoring Foster and Probation U, but also I got to start doing work with parents. That was the first time I started working with parents.
00:12:33
Speaker
Then I started doing, I forget what the position, I think they call it intervention specialist. It was like a counselor. Cause we had a lot of people that were going to school to be credential school counselors that were in that position. And so that was the work that I got to do and started to love it. I got into that job and I was like, Oh, I love this work. Didn't necessarily love the nonprofit, but I love doing that work.
00:12:59
Speaker
And that really opened me up to what was possible and really where I was needed. Because what I've learned is there's not a lot of males in the counseling space, but more importantly, there's not a lot of black males in the counseling space. And so I realized that there was a huge need for
00:13:19
Speaker
My presence in these schools to really help all students but more specifically young boys And boys that usually are on campuses and they don't have people that look like them on their campus. So That's that's that's how I've navigated so I do that job. I ended up getting my second masters in school counseling So I'm a credential school counselor, but I don't like the way that at least in California how the counselors are utilized in the schools
00:13:49
Speaker
Yeah, I'm sure that could be a whole separate podcast episode on politics of that. But I mean, obviously, you put in a lot of work education wise, you know, two masters, that's not an easy feat. One masters is not an easy feat.
Connecting with Children and Trauma
00:14:05
Speaker
That takes time, dedication, and two masters.
00:14:07
Speaker
I really hear that, you know, athletics, clearly, I know we've talked offline, I know you still have a heart and passion for that, but there's something deeper inside of you that's like, you know what, there's something else inside and I really have a heart for youth, teens, parents that are struggling, and I use my story. And so I wanted to just plug that because I think it's important to know that
00:14:27
Speaker
while this is, yes, your personal story, you've also went and furthered education to then take the tools of like, yes, your story and the tools of therapy and psychology and counseling to say, okay, how do I then help the youth when I was a youth, when I was maybe that boy, that male, that teen in that school that was struggling because of traumas in the home. And so the full circle is that. And so going back to like looking now as young DJ,
00:14:54
Speaker
10-year-old DJ who was apathetic, who was numb, your lens now as a trained professional clinician, like what is that? What kind of response is that for those listening? Like what is that apathetic, numbing response? You know, I talk about this all the time because I really have a hard time with people calling me an expert. I've been deemed a youth teen expert, parents of teens expert. I was just like, yeah, slow your roll.
00:15:25
Speaker
And the reason why I really try to separate myself from that because I just I really
00:15:32
Speaker
want more importantly for parents to be able to get information from me without it feeling like they need this information from me. Like I want to like offer something up to them that's hopefully going to help them in their journey or it may not, but I at least want it to come from a space of like, I'm truly trying to help you. I'm not trying to act like I'm high and mighty and I know it all to give you that information. Not that there's people out there or anything, but I just really try to separate myself from that. And so the other part of it is.
00:16:02
Speaker
Even though I do have a second master's and I've gotten a lot of training and a lot of different things over the years, what's so funny is I've been working with youth since about 2009. In all these years of working with youth and finally pairing that with the education and the training that I've got, all it has done, at least for me, is validate what I've already known about the work that I've done with the students.
00:16:29
Speaker
I'm sure it's like I'm working with the students and I'm seeing stuff and then I'll read something about it. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, that makes complete sense. Yeah. It like connects the dots. You're like, I know this, but now it's like, Oh, that's why. Yeah, I see it now. Yeah. So for me, like it's why I don't, you know, mention that I have two masters or do anything like that. Just cause I'm like,
00:16:50
Speaker
You know, in Instagram, I always put the disclaimer out that look like this information that I'm sharing with you all are based off of conversations that I have with students and my observations of those conversations with students. I keep posting certain things because I keep hearing these things come up with my students.
00:17:10
Speaker
And so for me, like the work that I do, the posts that I post, it really all comes from this work with these students and just what I keep hearing. And for me to try to alleviate that. I mean, I'm sure you experience this like, I have parents mostly are like, hey, they get this kind of attitude of like, oh, fix my kid. Like there's something wrong with them. And I have conversations with these students and I'm like, actually, if there's anything wrong with anybody, it's you.
00:17:40
Speaker
And so it's like, you know, you're kind of fixing the kid just for them to go back to the thing that made them sick in the first place. And so for me, the more I can kind of alleviate that, the more I can kind of bridge the communication gaps that I see often between parents and their teens, that's what really drives me in this work.
00:18:00
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, and I hear that. I think it's... I think I'm similar in the sense that... Yeah, I have training, but I'm not the expert. I know I have knowledge now. And like you said, it's... I've always... I've worked with teens for a long time, and now all the training did was really just affirm and give me maybe some different language of understanding of, oh, I've known this, I've worked with this, I've seen this, I've experienced this personally and as a mentor, you know, with young teens.
00:18:30
Speaker
And now it's like, I could connect to the research of what this is really about, or why, or the generational trauma, or what is trauma. And with that lens I'm asking, looking back at 10 year old self who was numb, and I'm sure you've seen this in kids today, the numbed out teens, the thing, this is normal to the disconnecting.
00:18:55
Speaker
from your training language what what do we see that as like the numbing the disconnecting what is that what do we call that now i think in teens we i personally like to address it as something where
00:19:12
Speaker
there's a point in their lives where they were seeking connection from whoever it might be. Their parents teach whoever it is. And I think in those bits for connection that the parent missed, you finally get a child who's like, I just give up on trying to be or trying to connect or trying to seek this attention that I'm not getting back from my parents. And so parents, I think, get to a point where they're like,
00:19:43
Speaker
Well, I mean, I'm trying. They'll do one thing or two things and the child is like, yeah, but like, I got to see a continual change because
00:19:54
Speaker
these years of you doing the same thing the same way over and over again doesn't match up with these days or two days or two weeks that you decided to make a change based off of a reaction to how I'm now acting towards you. So for me,
00:20:13
Speaker
I really believe that the apathy and the things that we're seeing in our children is just a constant barrage of them feeling like, well, we don't matter in this adult world because you've got adults who are like, they're just kids. Why should you listen to their opinion? Why should you listen to why should they have a say in your home? Like all these different things that we hear from adults and children hear that. Teens hear that specifically in the moment that they start to get some sense of personal power back.
00:20:42
Speaker
they start to exercise it in ignoring and not wanting to create a relationship and doing all these different things.
00:20:51
Speaker
Yeah. And I think what I'm hearing in that is that learned behavior of, well, I've been trying to connect with you. Um, and obviously we're generalizing here with those kids that we're seeing that might be apathetic or disconnected. It's like I've been trying, trying, trying, but my bids weren't working. And so now I cope by numbing, not caring because to care, to reach out, to keep trying, tends to leave me feeling what in your experience, what do you see?
Teen Apathy and Parental Connection
00:21:19
Speaker
Empty. Yeah.
00:21:21
Speaker
I just feel like nobody cares. And I think adults will hear that, like, oh, they're just dramatic, and they're this. And it's like, you know, that could be true. Like, we know about teenage brain development that they can be dramatic in certain situations. But it's not necessarily because they themselves are dramatic. It's because they don't have that capacity in that moment to not be dramatic, per se. But it's just, if we don't validate them enough in whatever it is that they're going through or dealing with,
00:21:51
Speaker
then of course that thing is only going to amplify even more. If you feel like, well, I'm not going to validate this because why? And it's like, but yeah, how are we going to choose to validate this and not validate that? That doesn't make any sense.
00:22:05
Speaker
Yeah, and I've heard that said before too, you know, I'm not going to validate that, like why would I do that? And then they just push their teen farther away. And you're right, it's often the multifaceted, the brain development, maybe the teen is just, you know, exerting will, but there's always more to the story than just the teen is, you know, difficult or a problem. There's always more. And what I think, and when you think back to you,
00:22:28
Speaker
And as I was hearing your story, you know, 10 year old self, like this was normal. And in your case, you had very explicit trauma, you know, it wasn't kind of the, I'm sure there was implied too, but I'm hearing very explicit capital T, you know, trauma that you experience with abuse happening in the home to being ripped out of the home. Even if it was better, that's still a traumatic experience, grief and loss. And at least my experience as a trauma informed therapist is that when I hear that a little 10 year old, it's like, oh, that's,
00:22:58
Speaker
That's a little 10 year old boy just trying to navigate pain and trauma. And so numbing is a defense mechanism to being constantly overwhelmed. And so numbing is a way, the brain embodies way of survival. If I numb out and don't feel, I can survive this rather than experience the weight of all of what I've been experiencing. Yeah.
00:23:21
Speaker
Does that fit? Does that sound? Yeah. You know, as you were talking, the thing that we don't talk often enough about numbing, and this is such a good topic to stay on just because, you know, as a male, as dads, this is a space that a lot of us dive into the numbness, the, I could, I could do this. I got to tough this out. I got to stop being a little punk kind of ideology.
00:23:45
Speaker
But we don't talk enough about the side effects of numbing, which is like our inability to feel.
Impact of Trauma on Adult Life
00:23:54
Speaker
But the most important side effect is that it doesn't go away.
00:24:02
Speaker
and it manifests itself in some form or fashion in the future in situations or whatever it might be. And so all that numbing that I did over the years, this is how I came to my healing journey, it finally manifested itself in these relationships that I couldn't establish with either family or beyond. I got to a point where I had better relationships with complete strangers, at least at one point they were strangers to me, than I did with my family.
00:24:32
Speaker
Because I was so angry and frustrated with certain family members. Because once I became old enough and a teenager to be aware and understand like, whoa, y'all let that stuff happen to me, family members actually knew what was going on. And nobody decided to come. And I think often about after that situation where I got whooped with an extension cord. And as you can imagine, there were marks and different welts left on my back. And so I remember it was either the next day or the day after.
00:25:01
Speaker
I'm playing at, I think, a little center or home somewhere. We were playing and my mom was there, Auntie was there, everybody was there. And so I'm playing and somehow, some way, my shirt came up and you can hear people go like, they gasped.
00:25:16
Speaker
What happened? And I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, what do you think happening? I live with this crazy standard. But in that moment, in my mind now, I'm thinking that thought. But in the moment, I'm like, well, I got in trouble.
00:25:34
Speaker
What happened? Yeah, this is what happens. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so I remember in the conversation, my auntie was like, oh my gosh, like, you know, kind of not shaming my mom, but just kind of letting her know, like, like, this is kind of, you know, crazy. Like, you know, you can get in trouble for this. And I remember my mom saying something like she essentially got mad at me for not telling her as if she didn't know that she was made to a crazy man.
00:25:57
Speaker
And so, like, all these different situations come up, and you sit with that, and you numb it. And so as I got older, and I was living with my auntie, and I ended up moving to Florida, the situation was, it wasn't even a big situation. Her daughter was living with us at the time, and I would take her kids to school because she would ask. And at that time, I was working part-time. I was going to school, driving from Long Beach to Fullerton.
00:26:27
Speaker
It was about a 20, 30 minute drive. And so I was paying for my own gas and everything like that. And so, you know, I was getting tired and frustrated by taking her kids to school. And so one day I got upset and was just like, you know, I said something mean to her.
00:26:45
Speaker
And I ended up going to school that day. And that's when my auntie had called me. And my flight, fright, or freeze was activated in that conversation because she said, if you can't be a team player, then maybe you should leave. And I didn't hear the team player part. I just heard maybe you should leave because that's what I'm used to. I'm used to leaving when things get hard. I'm used to leaving and run away when challenges arise. And so I was like, OK, I'm going to run. I'm going to go. And then I ended up going to Florida.
00:27:15
Speaker
It was in that moment that I realized all this stuff that I had been stuffing, this anger, this frustration, this animosity towards family, all of it was just sitting there and I never addressed it and it would always come out in anger, it would always come out in frustration.
00:27:30
Speaker
You know, the moment that culminated in me really coming to the realization of healing and saying, okay, DJ, something has to change, was actually me in a rare bit of, I don't even know, grace, I guess you could call it. It came in a moment where I actually contained my anger.
00:27:47
Speaker
It was a situation where I was living in Florida. I was living with my friend and his cousin. We had a three-bedroom townhouse living a life. I was actually working two jobs at the time. I was getting ready to go to college there. I was setting myself up to try to get my life together. And so as I was doing that, my best friend's dad was an alcoholic. One thing I didn't mention, my stepdad was an alcoholic. That's a big trigger for me even to this day.
00:28:14
Speaker
And so his dad would come and get on our nerves and then he would leave typically. And so one day he comes over and his son is actually at work. So he's not even there. So just me and the cousin. So he comes over and he's drunk as all get out. And I just remember just asking him, like, could you please leave? Like, we don't want you here. Like, I don't know why you keep bothering us. We pay our own rent. Like, just stop. Like, we're grown. Like, leave us alone. And he got so mad at me and he threw a steel chair at me.
00:28:43
Speaker
Hit me in my head. And I just remember those cartoons or movies where they have the angel on one side and the devil on the other side. I just remember having a moment like that where the angel was like, DJ, I need you to think about this. And the devil's like, no, kick his butt right now. Explicit language, of course. But the angel, at least that voice in my head was like, DJ, I want you to think about this.
00:29:12
Speaker
You moved all the way to Florida with no family members. There's nobody here that can get you out of jail if it comes to that point. Nobody's here for you because you ran. You ran from your issues. You ran from your problems. And now you got to face this situation head on. And so in the moment where I was probably the most mad I would ever been in that moment in my life, I was able to kind of take a moment to listen to the angel and say, you know what?
00:29:41
Speaker
Because he was so drunk, I could have hurt him. That's how mad I was upset. I could have seriously hurt him. And so I ended up just walking out. I called my grandma, my great grandma back in California. She was very upset when I moved to Florida. So she always made me call her every other day or so to check in. And so I called her and just let her know what happened. And I just remember her saying, why do you keep running, baby? Why do you keep running from your issues? Why do you keep running from your problems?
00:30:11
Speaker
you're gonna have to face them. And it was that moment where I really had to take control of my life in the real way. I'm wearing a shirt, change your narrative. It was that moment that I had to change my story because my story before was like, woe is me, my dad left me, my mom left me. You know, now I'm picking up the pieces from that. And now it's like, yeah, those things happen to me, but they're not gonna define me anymore.
00:30:36
Speaker
So that's how all of those things that I was stuffing, that I was keeping to myself, the side effect of that is that it doesn't go away and it manifests itself unless you ultimately deal with it. And now for a short break.
00:30:51
Speaker
So if you're looking for ways to support the show and my YouTube channel, head on over to buy me a copy.com forward slash therapy for dads. There you can make a one time donation or join the monthly subscription service to support all that I'm doing at the intersection of fatherhood and mental health.
00:31:08
Speaker
and all the proceeds go right back into all the work that I'm doing into production and to continue to grow the show to bring on new guests. So again, head on over to buy me a coffee.com forward slash therapy for dads. Thanks. And let's get back to the show.
00:31:23
Speaker
And the model, though, you had was not to face your stuff, really. I mean, your model was to run, to leave you. I mean, that's your mom's model. And not to, I mean, I guarantee your mom had her own stuff. She went through clearly. So we could have empathy for her. And okay, I can see why mom did this. It could still be painful and hurtful. And I could have empathy. It's that like full circle. If I could see why people do things and still say no, like both could be true.
00:31:49
Speaker
But part of what you did is you coped, you survived with what you knew. Run and numb. And you get to a point, though, where that wasn't really working anymore. And as an adult, it's like, hey, this running and numbing is not really... At 10, it helps me, you know, 12, probably a bunch of times it helped you get through it just to live. But now you had this moment where you could have unleashed all that pain and you didn't. You contained yourself for whatever reason, you know, listened to the angel that time and called your grandma and your grandma spoke some truth and said, hey,
00:32:18
Speaker
And for whatever reason it sunk in. And that seed probably has been planted numerous times and it sounds like you had some people in your life that were really planting that part. Throughout moments and having that maybe good model. But you just did what you do to survive. And that's that kind of survival mechanism that you see now teens go through now.
00:32:39
Speaker
They're just trying to survive.
Survival Mechanisms
00:32:41
Speaker
And they're doing what they know how, what works for them, even if it's long-term, maybe not the best or healthiest thing. In the moment, if you're in survival, it's just what works? How do I cope? How do I just get through this moment? How do I get through the day? And that could look like so many different things.
00:32:57
Speaker
and that numbness is a big one, especially for men. We see a lot of that in boys, numbness, apathetic, not caring, pushing away. But if you look at why they do that, it's like, oh, they're trying to cope with something or some things over here that unable to or don't have the skills to or can't because there's still maybe, like you said, is they go back to that home every day and the home is the problem, like explicitly the problem. And so they kind of have to still keep that defense up because when they go home, it's there's the hurt, there's the trauma, there's the pain,
00:33:27
Speaker
Yeah. Every day, and at school maybe with you, it's like, oh, I could maybe drop my guard a bit, be safe with DJ, talk to DJ, because, you know, DJ is different, right? And I'm here, I'm listened to here. I'm, you know, I'm what I say matters. And so I can sort of drop my guard. So, you know, all these things is like, we do what we got to do to survive. And we got to remind ourselves of that. And it's not necessarily bad.
00:33:51
Speaker
It might lead to maybe more suffering, depending on what we do. But if you think about it from the perspective of a trauma, like coping with trauma and trauma responses, like it makes sense. You're like, well, no wonder why. No wonder why. No wonder why you run. I mean, what you heard was I'm left again, so I'm leaving. So the lens was, well, I didn't hear this part, whether you did or didn't or got tuned out. It's like, well, I heard what I needed to hear because that wasn't safe anymore. So I'm now leaving and going to what I need to do to survive again.
00:34:20
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And now you're a mat, you know. And how old were you in the early 20s? Yeah, I was... I think I was 19. Okay, okay. 19. And then something clicked, and then is that when you... And that was the aha, big epiphany moment of, you know, I gotta change my narrative, I love the shirt. Yeah. And that I gotta stop blaming others while it's still... Obviously, there was a lot that you had zero control over that they actually were to blame 100%. Yeah.
00:34:49
Speaker
And what I'm hearing you say is me staying just blaming them, though, doesn't actually help me heal. I have to actually change what am I doing about it now. And I think that's where we forget that that's still true. Stepdad was still this way. Mom still made this. There were still things that they're 100% responsible for. But me stuck in the blame game, though, keeps me stuck because then I don't have to look at what I'm doing. That's perpetuating my own suffering and pain. And so you decided something different.
00:35:18
Speaker
Yeah, when I came back, I got into the poetry scene. And so I would write poems. I wrote poems like in high school, but like kind of would do it, you know, throughout after college and kind of got really heavy back into it when I came back to California. And
00:35:38
Speaker
I was at Cal State Fullerton before I left. I ended up going back to Long Beach City College and running track there. So I was able to get back into a stable base. So I would do the open mics, and that would be another form of healing of me sharing my story and getting my story out there and doing it in a poetic way. But the thing that really fast-tracked me back
00:36:03
Speaker
to the healing that I see today is the forgiveness. Because I always held on to not forgiving either my mom or my stepdad or even my dad. It was like the three, those are the main three in my lives that I felt like I needed to have some reprieve from. And I heard my pastor years ago tell me, or just explain forgiveness in a sense of like,
00:36:32
Speaker
you not forgiving is like, you basically are doing more harm to yourself than you are feeling like you are like, if I forgive them, I'm letting them off the hook. It's like, no, no, no, you're not necessarily letting them off the hook. You don't forget anything where you forgive so you can let yourself off the hook. And when I came to that realization, it hit me because I was like, you know, you're right. Like, I've been on the hook.
00:37:00
Speaker
I don't remember the last time I had a real conversation with my stepdad. It must have been sixth grade. It had to have been outside of some recent social media interactions.
00:37:11
Speaker
You know, in that time, I had not talked to him since I was in the sixth grade. So the grads that I was holding against him, he has gone on and had more kids and established more families. And so like he's living his life while I'm over here frustrated and angry at him and sort of somewhat, you know, impacting my life in a way. And then my mom, you know, same thing with her, same thing with my dad. I'm the oldest of both my mom and dad's
Forgiveness and Healing
00:37:38
Speaker
kids. My dad went on to have about
00:37:41
Speaker
I feel bad because I don't know the full number, but I think it's 15 or 16 kids total. And so like all these three people have lived their lives and I'm still kind of here, you know, dealing with the repercussions of it, but it's ultimately my life. And so once he kind of said that, I was like, you're right, like I got to forgive so I can move on so I can move forward so I can release myself from this, whatever's been bogging me down.
00:38:06
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's the key. What you said is that forgiveness is not forgetting. It's not about pretending. It's about allowing yourself to heal and letting go of the anger, the resentment, the hurt so you can no longer be on the hook for what they did. But I could live freely versus being stuck because they're living their life and I'm still stuck hurting over what happened. And while it's painful and tragic, me not letting go is what I'm hearing you say is,
00:38:31
Speaker
Me not forgiving essentially is me not letting go of that and I'm keeping myself in this pain and not able to actually allow the healing so I can live free from that trauma, from that abandonment, from all the stuff that I experienced. And that cloud was a big click. Okay, so that really fast-tracked it for you. It's like, okay, forgiveness is really about letting go. It's really about...
00:38:55
Speaker
giving myself off the hook, not being stuck in this narrative anymore about what was me. But yeah, this happened and here's what I'm doing to heal about so I can live my life.
00:39:04
Speaker
Yeah. And then after the forgiveness conversation. And it was a thing where, you know, there's so many different ways that you can forgive. I think I did it initially through prayer. I think you can write a letter that you have no intention of sending. There's one way you can forgive. Like, I know people feel like, well, I don't ever want to talk to them again. I don't think you have to to forgive because it's ultimately for you. So.
00:39:26
Speaker
after the forgiveness that really released me from this stronghold that I had on my story because I always would never share even with best friends. They'd find out that I was in foster care and I'm like, what? I'm like, yeah, it's no big deal. I wouldn't talk about it. And so once I was able to forgive even my story,
00:39:49
Speaker
was able to be released and shared in a way that it now is a powerful story that's helping so many youth, so many people out in the world. And so forgiveness really changed my life. I say that all the time. Yeah. When I think that's such a big topic, I think of misunderstanding and there's different lenses you could look at forgiveness. You know, a classic one is it means to forget or to approve, right? Well, if you forgive them, you're approving or
00:40:13
Speaker
you're okay with what they did, or you have to be friends with the person, you have to, you know, no, it doesn't, right? You said something's forgiveness, it doesn't even need to include the other person. It could be just for you. That's definitely a practical stuff I've done with people is the letter of them, it's like releasing that energy, like, okay, I'm letting this go. And it's more than a one-time event.
00:40:35
Speaker
It's like grief in a way. It's like grief is rarely a one-time moment of like feeling it, but it's like a, it comes and goes and you have to, it's like this choice of navigating maybe forgiveness or walking forgiveness. Like you're walking in grief, walking in that. And so that you changed and then you began your healing journey at, you know, 19 or so, and then now working with youth.
00:40:56
Speaker
and seeing the importance of the impact it can have and healing from various traumas, various hurts, pains. What are you seeing now that connects to your story of working, especially as if we focus on boys and men, because you said the numbness piece and things. What are we seeing that are some of the difficulties that you're still facing with boys and men as you work with them in this space of healing from trauma?
00:41:20
Speaker
They're just looking for acceptance. I know it was something that I was longing for throughout my childhood. I remember vividly a situation right before we went into foster care. I was having dinner with my family. It was my family and my mom. And I just literally randomly just bust out crying.
00:41:43
Speaker
And my mom was like, what is wrong? What's going on? And I was like, I want my dad. And I honestly felt like I just met him. I just met, because for a while, I thought my stepdad was my real dad. And so one day, my dad had came up to me and introduced himself. And so I had just met him. But I remember crying for him in that moment. And I remember even reconnecting with my dad as an adult.
00:42:13
Speaker
you know, him saying he loves me and he's proud of me still rings, right? It still reverberates deep into myself. Like I'm cracking up just thinking about it. So it's like, this is a man who has not been in my life for a good portion of
Boys' Need for Acceptance
00:42:29
Speaker
it. I would say 90 to 95% of my life, my dad was not there. And for those small, intricate moments that I've even had with him, those have been impactful.
00:42:38
Speaker
And so for those males who are hearing or dads who are listening to this, I cannot stress enough. I got to tell you the story that there was a student that I was working with and I initially started working with him in a group setting. I can't remember exactly what he did initially to be in the group, but we went through the group and that was that.
00:42:56
Speaker
I remember seeing him after the group was over, maybe the next year. And I saw him in a discipline office and I was like, yo, what you doing? Like this student, although he made, you know, not great decisions, but he wasn't what I would deem a troublemaking student. And so.
00:43:15
Speaker
I just knew something was up. And so I asked the discipline principal, I said, hey, can I just take him to my office real quick and talk to him? And they were like, yeah, for sure. So I take him to my office, and he's kind of stubborn and not wanting to talk at first. And I'm like, yo, what is going on? You don't need to be in a discipline office. I hear you explain why he was in there, and it was just a misunderstanding. You're just wrong crowd, wrong place, wrong time situation.
00:43:44
Speaker
And I'm like, yo, like, it just, you know, I just kept like prop probing and I kept asking him like, what's going on? And then finally he got emotional and he was like, um, he basically was like, I just want to connect with my dad more. Like I don't, my dad is there, but he's not there. Um, and I just want to, you know, be connected with them more. And so, um, that story I tell all the times, it was just like, we look at our kids behaviors as something that
00:44:13
Speaker
is offensive, that is something that, you know, is like, we should shun or frown upon. And I've alone challenged parents to look at their kids behavior as curiosity, as a way of wondering, like, okay, what's really going on here? Like, I got to figure out, get to the bottom of this behavior, because I feel like if I peel back those layers, there's going to be something truly there that I can really work with. And if there's dads out there who are
00:44:41
Speaker
wondering what their importance is to their families. Like I cannot tell you enough how many interactions I've had with young boys who really just want acceptance and they really want it from their dads. So that's what I see for sure.
00:44:56
Speaker
Yeah, no, I think that absolutely agree with that, and I see that too, that at the end, whether your dad is, like you said, your dad was in the picture. But there is still this like intrinsic longing to be accepted and known by him. So even his words, even though 95% of the time it wasn't there, that rings true because it's like there's this connection that we have to our biological mothers and fathers. Not that our step-parents and
00:45:18
Speaker
Foster parents can't be amazing and kind of fill that, but there's still this connection to the biological component that tends to come out often with kids of like, I just want to know, I want to meet them. There's this curiosity. And I think you're right, approaching our teens with curiosity of just like, what's really going on for them? Like, what's behind this behavior?
00:45:40
Speaker
And I know for some of the teens you work with is that, you know, in the home they're in, the hurt is coming from dad and mom or both or one. And so they're going to have this longing and it's like, how do I survive this? How do I get through this? And how do I get through high school, you know, and knowing that the home is not really going to change much because maybe mom and dad have been their stuff and they haven't dealt with their trauma, their hurt, their pain. And so they're kind of, you know, the generational trauma, like you said, is being passed down from generation to generation is not being addressed.
00:46:09
Speaker
But you're seeing this deep longing to be seen, to be known, to be heard by their parent. That's kind of in all of us, you know, and we got to start there. I love that. Seen, heard, validated, all those things leads to connection. You know, people
00:46:26
Speaker
You know, I talk often about connection before correction. And a lot of times it's easier for us to see that. And, you know, toddlers, younger kids is able to kind of do that. It's easier, at least how it's expressed is easier for the younger kiddos. And people are always wondering what that looks like.
00:46:46
Speaker
for teenagers, and the reality is, are you safe for them in terms of them being able to have conversations with you? Can they make mistakes without you making a big deal about it? Do y'all make genuine bids for connection outside of just forcing them to do things that you want to do? These are the ways that I feel helps us be able to connect with teenagers better.
00:47:14
Speaker
Hmm. And with that, with that connection, connected with teens better, you know, what is your challenge to dads and fathers out there that have a teen or is trying to keep, you know, struggling with that or, or maybe they're dealing with their own kind of stuff from the past. Like maybe they're still numbing as a, as a dad and they're still not addressing, like what, what is your, what would you encourage them or how are you working with them now in that space? For dads, I, I just challenged them to, to really,
00:47:43
Speaker
get outside of the idea that they're just providers. A good friend of mine, Carlos, he said, I'm a provider, but I provide financially, spiritually, mentally, physically, and whatever that might mean. And it's all encompassing. I call it the triple threat. It's being the best version of yourself, being the best dad you could be, and being the best spouse and if you gather that you can be.
00:48:08
Speaker
I think we come from a generation of dads who are good at one thing, right? Essentially, right? They might have been good at providing, they might have been good at fixing cars, whatever it might be, right? And I just challenge myself to be good at as many things as I possibly can, especially when it comes to my family.
00:48:25
Speaker
So let's kind of revamp this idea of what it even means to be a dad. And more importantly, don't even go off of what I'm trying to tell you what it means to be a dad. Like genuinely peel back the layers of society and the expectations that have been put on you and really truly dig deep into what it is that your heart is telling you that this is the type of dad that I want to be.
00:48:46
Speaker
And if you can't find anything there, listen to your child. Ask them genuinely. I always say go to a neutral space outside of the home because typically you're always yelling at your kid at home. And so go to like Starbucks or take them to go grab a bite to eat or to the park or something where it's a neutral space. He said, hey, you know what? I'm really trying to turn over a new leaf with us. What is it that I could do better as your dad?
00:49:08
Speaker
right? And start there and figure out ways that y'all can work together to make that work. So for me, it's revamping this idea of what it even means to be a dad and really making it fit to what your family needs from you. And then really finding ways to connect and what that means for your child for you to connect with them.
00:49:29
Speaker
And I love that just starting. I love the very practical neutral ground. If you go somewhere else, be curious. Connect. What are they really needing? That might take more than one conversation. It might take multiple. That might take changing, especially if you're used to not having that conversation. And what about the dads who maybe
00:49:47
Speaker
have unresolved trauma or pain that I'm sure you've worked with that you could tell from your own personal experience plus profession of like, oh, there's something here that I know he's still going through that's still in the room. Like, how do you encourage those dads who might have some unresolved stuff that might be keeping them stuck from actually taking that stuff?
00:50:03
Speaker
Yeah, so what's crazy is all the trauma that I experienced in my life. And when I say trauma, like I went through trauma, like there's a thing called ACE, Averse Childhood Experience. Yeah, ACEs, ACEs score. Yeah, ACEs. Yeah, you can get a 10 on ACE. That's the highest possible score that you could get on ACE. I received that. I got a 10.
00:50:25
Speaker
So when we talk about trauma, trauma, that's me, that's my life, that's my childhood. Yeah, you understand, and this is capital T trauma, this is like explicit, implicit, this is, I'll leave a link in the description of this episode, if you don't know what that is, everybody, ACEs is a well-researched, you know, adverse childhood experiences that go about understanding trauma better, that it's these multi-things, and a 10 out of 10 is, yeah, that's a lot, DJ. That's a lot, not many people overcome
00:50:52
Speaker
No, they don't. No, a lot of them don't. Most of them that do are into other ways of trying to survive in coping, often drugs, alcohol, prison. I mean, a whole bunch of things because to get that and to be where you are today is not the common denominator. My hope is that one day it will be. Obviously, people like yourself that are really trying to help that is like, hey, what we need is these are hurting people that need help.
00:51:16
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So for me, going throughout that trauma, I didn't even go through therapy or counseling until my after my son was born. So I got to a place of healing where ultimately led to me being married. And then when my son was born in 2017, I think he was born.
00:51:36
Speaker
it opened up some other stuff in me that I realized, oh, I need to, I need, there's another level of healing. So when you said it's a continual thing, like it absolutely is. So I got, I think I got in therapy, you know, after he was born for the first time I had an initial therapist and now I'm on my second therapist. And so we, you know, we're working through some stuff in that moment, but even now, like I think we meet every year so often.
00:52:02
Speaker
every two weeks or three weeks or whatever it is. But I just remember having a conversation just with her now about like the forgiveness piece of like, I feel like I've forgiven my mom, but there's some other layers and some other pieces that I still need to forgive. So for dads out there, I want you to understand that therapy is not like not
Therapy for Fathers
00:52:21
Speaker
for us. It's not not for us. It is for dads. It is because I became a dad, which I felt like I needed to because I just couldn't afford to allow my stuff
00:52:31
Speaker
and the things that I haven't dealt with to hinder me from being a dad that I need to be for my son. I just couldn't. Like, I just cannot. And so for even dads who are just hesitant and don't even want to go that level, I challenge you to see other dads out there who can not serve as your therapist per se, but at least are on the path of healing, on the path of trying to parent in a conscious, gentle way, whatever you want to call it. Or at least just trying to make that sincere connection with their kids that
00:52:59
Speaker
So many of us, I feel like, have not, we're able to get from our parents, so. Hmm, jeez. I mean, yeah, I think it's so needed for men and dads to hear that, that it is, therapy's not for dads, but it is. And if that's where you are, if not, there's other ways. Other ways to get, like, in your journey, that was a piece, right? It's part of your story, that you did other ways of healing. Therapy is another means, right? It's another layer. And you started doing that after your son, and I'm sure that was even a whole other conversation of even going, seeking out therapy, right? That's another layer.
00:53:28
Speaker
You know men seeing a therapist and and what does that even mean? And and oh my second therapist and which is totally normal by the way to go through one or two to find the right fit I think some men don't know that's like no, sometimes just not a fit. That's that's actually told you. Okay, you know, you gotta find like you shop for shoes
00:53:45
Speaker
Yeah, exactly, you know, because it's an investment, right? You know, it's shopliking. But being conscious at the time, you know, DJ, I thank you so much for sharing. I know there's so much more I would love to talk to you about, but just being aware of it coming on the hour mark, you know, just to leave the dads right now, like any final closing words for the dads that you want to say or, you know, or the boys listen to this that like, Hey, this is, this is what I,
00:54:15
Speaker
one I'll leave you with.
00:54:17
Speaker
Yeah, I went into my parenting journey as a dad who just wanted to be present. I literally was just having this conversation with a group of friends of mine. We're doing a Bible plan right now. And they talked about old wounds. And the old wound that I unearthed, what tends to happen when you have old wounds is you start to make vows based off of those wounds. And so the inner vow that I made was that I'm going to be present. I'm going to be in my son's life. That was it.
00:54:47
Speaker
And so when I initially became a dad, I was present. I was in my son's life, but I had to go beyond that. And to a point where my wife was like, yeah. Because although I was present, I was also providing. And so I was working a lot. I was doing all these different things. And so my wife came up to me one day and was like, if this is how this is going to continue to go, I'm pretty much a single parent already.
00:55:09
Speaker
I can just continue to be that without us being attached or whatever this is. It was really hard to hear that and accept that, but I had to at least understand where she was coming from and see how I can change and do things differently. I realized that I had this inner vow of just being present when I really just needed to be who my family needed me to be. I just want anybody out there who a dad is like,
00:55:34
Speaker
I just want to be present, or I just want to do this. You want to do something maybe that you didn't get from your childhood, and I just challenge you to really assess your family, assess your children, ask questions, and just see what is it that they truly need from you, and be that the best you can.
00:55:49
Speaker
Gosh, so well said. In fact, I just had an interview just before you with a mom therapist named Kate. And she talked, the thing we talked about was being a unit and a team and how that's, in a way, we need to constantly regroup or huddle up again of consistently, not just one time, but hey, maybe you are providing and it's good. I was doing this, however common that I needed to grow beyond just that. Yes.
00:56:15
Speaker
you know, niched thing and be challenged and kind of expand that because my team is needing something more and still needing that, but also me to evolve a bit. And obviously from you too, is that, you know, recapping is that you've gone through, gosh, 10 out of 10 aces, that's, you've come through a lot and you've had a long journey. Your own healing, you had some people in your life that loved you, really cared for you, like an auntie and grandma, then,
00:56:43
Speaker
My mentor, I didn't even mention in this whole podcast. Your mentor, shout out to your mentor. And I mean, you had all these people that were, and it wasn't just a, hey, I went to therapy one time and I'm all good. You know, it sounds like you're still unpacking and challenging yourself, saying, what's really there for me? And it's a journey. It's not just a one-time event. And I think I would encourage dads too often. It's a journey. It's ups and downs.
00:57:08
Speaker
you've come away and then you take a break and sometimes life changes and you're challenged again. Like, is this stuff coming from my past? Is this something that I need to heal from that I, something I haven't forgiven someone for that I'm holding on to some resentment or bitterness that's a fact that's like a poison in my life that I might need to work through or.
00:57:24
Speaker
something else that I haven't thought about because maybe I'm numbing still to this day because that's what I know to do when it's hard. You know? How am I? Am I numbing? Am I binge watching shows? Am I drinking? Am I doing something to deal? And so what I'm hearing DJ say is challenging. Say, be aware of what's really going on for you. Like, what's this coming from? And be curious, not only with your teen, but with yourself.
00:57:45
Speaker
You know, what? Be curious with yourself. Like what's going on for me? Why I'm doing this? Because my team is numbing. Why am I numbing? You know, like, okay, I'm doing something here too. Where's this coming from for me? So then as I grow and heal, I get to give that to my son, to my daughter, to my kids and to kind of heal that, that, that wound. So my kids get something much better and much more healed. So where can we find you? Uh, you know, where are you at? Like, I know what you're doing. Like, do you know how, if people want services from you, like where, where's DJ at?
00:58:15
Speaker
You can start with DJInspires.com. There's a lot of information on there that you could connect with me, hear my story. There's a copy of my book that shares some of the stories that I share with you today. The sun is always shining. It's on there and available on Amazon.
00:58:33
Speaker
DJ Inspires all on Instagram as well as DJ Inspires Parenting on Instagram. And if you're a dad who heard this and it resonated with you, I challenge you to DM me and hit me up and let me know that. And we can talk and we can maybe find some resources or anything that might help you in your parenting journey for sure.
00:58:52
Speaker
Well, thank you, DJ. And everyone, I'm going to have his links in the show notes as well. That'll be clickable to take you to all those places. That way it's just easier for you to find him. I thank you so much for your time today, DJ. And do take care of yourself. Have a good rest of your day. Thanks for joining and listening today. Please leave a comment and review the show. Dads are tough, but not tough enough to do this fatherhood thing alone.